Parenting - Part 4

Not Quite Right :: Mother’s Day Moment

May 11, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

We’ve all seen those kids – their hair looks like it was accidentally dipped into a paper shredder and you just know that they found the craft scissors and decided to give themselves a trim. That was my sister and me growing up. Our hair was as uneven and tragic as Billy Idol’s shag in the early-80’s. Minus the coolness factor.

Only thing is, my sister and I hadn’t touched the scissors. My mother was the one who did the hair cutting in our home, and try as she might, our hair always looked like it was trimmed by Edward Scissorhands on crack. There were plenty of things she did beautifully. She sewed us handmade clothes. Took us on adventures of all kinds. She was creative, vibrant and… slightly odd. Cutting bangs was just one of the things she sort of missed the mark on.

My mom grew up in a house with a thatched straw roof in the African nation of Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe). She went to bed at night watching critters crawl around her ceiling and woke up to screaming monkeys outside her windows. After moving to the States, she made a whole-hearted attempt to morph into an American housewife. But honestly… she never really got the hang of it.

When the neighbors were making spaghetti and meatballs, my mom cooked up liver and onions or yellow curry. She left our house doors wide-open and unlocked at all times. We had soles as tough as rawhide due to running around without shoes and our untethered dogs roamed our suburban neighborhood. We lived a rather bohemian life in our rather vanilla community, and my sister and I silently lamented that our family wasn’t quite like the ones surrounding us.

When I became pregnant and entered motherhood myself, I began to play the Not Quite Right game with myself. I scolded myself for eating too much Taco Bell and not enough fish oil during pregnancy. I felt guilty for not giving my new baby just the right amount of tummy time or veggies in his rice cereal. Oops! I hadn’t exposed him to ANY classical music. And sleep training… I was running far too late to correctly embark on that adventure.

Ugh, I guiltily thought, I’m not doing things quite right.

It was one afternoon, when my sister and I were sorting through our childhood memories over an inspiration-inducing glass of red wine, that I had one of those ah-ha moments (insert clouds parting and angels singing). The normal or appropriate activities that occurred in my childhood were not really the stand outs; they didn’t shape the person I am today. It was actually the not quite right events that fueled my values and made me snort with laughter whenever I remembered them.

As my sis and I chatted, I remembered the swinging-from-the-ceiling neighborhood parties and impromptu parades my mom used to throw together effortlessly. For one of those parades, I remembered her using tin-foil wrapped boxes to transform me into the Tin Man from Wizard of Oz, and me subsequently being dragged to the ground by Toto (aka our little, scruffy dog, Flea Flea).

And I remembered our old, creepy, white Ford van that whistled as it rattled down the freeway, hence earning it the nickname, Whistling Wilbur. My mom would step on Wilbur’s gas pedal with all of her weight when we approached a particularly high hill near our house. We kids would all pretend to push the struggling van with our little hands, giving it that extra bit of gusto. And when Wilbur crested the top of the hill at full speed, and our little bodies flew up and hit the ceiling, we would let out a whooping cheer. Wheeeeeee!

Did I mention that car seats hadn’t been invented yet?

I don’t remember the vitamins, books, or matching cotton pajamas that colored our everyday existence. Instead, I remember the adventures and craziness that surrounded our lives. And for this, I feel immense gratitude toward my mom.

As I move forward with my two boys, I’m trying to be less concerned with getting things just right and more concerned with giving them memories and cool experiences that will last a lifetime. I find myself singing the anthem that my mom used to belt out to us:

We’re off to see the Wild West show,
The elephants and the kangaroos,
Never mind the weather,
As long as we’re together,
We’re off to see the Wild West show.

As long as we’re together, I remind myself, it really is ok if I don’t always get things quite right. In fact, maybe our lives are just right… just the way they are.

Here’s to Sanity and Imperfection,

Kirsten

Parenting as an Adoptive, Single Dad :: Wednesday Wisdom

April 16, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Kyler & Terry

Meet Terry Cox… amazing dad to one of the coolest kids we know. We’re excited to feature Terry because he brings two perspectives to our Wisdom table: that of an adoptive parent and a single dad. Terry describes himself as a South Austinite, trying to stay young in mind and body. Terry worked as a licensed counselor for several years before transitioning into a business development role that he has grown into for the last 10+ years. His hobbies include cycling, surfing, and staying active enough to eat Mexican food whenever he wants. His top priorities in life are his faith, his son, his health, and his close friends and family. Terry and, his son, Kyler, just radiate joy when they’re together – and it’s infectious.

BPP: Please tell us briefly about what led you to decide to adopt, and how you chose the agency?

TC: My now ex-wife and I both shared a desire to adopt a child even prior to our marriage. She has a bi-racial daughter who played into our decision to have a “multi-color” non-traditional family. We looked at both adoption and fostering, and it really became a no-brainer for us to go the foster to adoption route. There is a huge need in our community in the foster system, plus it didn’t make sense monetarily, logistically, or for other reason for us to go the international adoption route. We chose a foster agency that provided information and training, and off we were.

BPP: As a father to be – how did you emotionally/mentally prepare for your son’s arrival? What if any of those preparations felt unique to his being adopted?

TC: Things happened very fast for us. Just a month after completing foster training, we got a call about Kyler (my son). The agency gave us specifics about him and his biological parents, and told us we had 48 hours to make a decision (he was about to be discharged from the hospital at 4 weeks old). After much discussion with each other and family, and prayer, we decided that he was our boy. It’s a pretty surreal experience. One day you are on a business trip, the next day there is a knock on your door from two women holding your new baby. It’s like the stork showed up. From a preparation standpoint, we had nothing set up, not even a nursery. Just open arms and hearts to welcome this amazing little baby. In our experience, it seemed all the prep work that people feel they need is sometimes manufactured and causes more stress than good.

Emotionally, we just began the process right there, raising our son. This was a wild ride, but I dove in head first and loved watching my son begin to bond with us. Unique to adoption, for me, is this overwhelming feeling that I chose this specific boy. There was a need, and we filled the void, and in turn he filled us. It’s a great emotional experience. It has strengthened my faith in many ways.

BPP: How did you feel and respond (both positive/difficult aspects) as you watched your new baby form the huge bond with his mom?

TC: I loved watching him bond with his mom, his sister and his extended family. As parents, we developed the safe and secure world that our son would thrive in. One thing I’m proud of is that even though our marriage didn’t last, we created a very nurturing and thriving environment for Kyler that continues today.

BPP: How did you and your baby’s mom try to support each other through the transition of adoption, and then welcoming a new baby?

TC: We were a team for the most part. We shared night and day duties and were both active in all aspects of raising our baby. With that said, things got stressful with new routines, habits, etc. Looking back, I realize how we just took things as they came and adjusted to the moment. Our extended family was very supportive as well.

BPP: What advice can you give new moms on how to best include and support their partners during this insane new parent transition?

TC: Make your partners a part of the process. I’m sure that looks different for each person, but communicate and encourage your partner to participate in all aspects. I think men can be passive and on the sideline, and my in opinion, nothing good comes from that approach. Be active and engaged. Moms… push your partners to engage.

BPP: When you went through your divorce, what steps did you take to keep yourself sane and strong as a parent?

TC: Family, family, family. My sister lives nearby and provided much emotional and logistical support. I also re-invested in key friendships and in activities that re-fueled me like exercise. After our divorce, my son was a little over a year old and was with me 50% of the time. I was still very active in raising him, and had to learn to co-parent with my ex. Some may think that raising a son caused more stress for me through the divorce, but playing the role of father is what kept me sane. I realized that being a dad was the biggest return for me. It kept me focused.

BPP: What are some of the biggest challenges you’ve faced in co-parenting with your ex? How have you tried to address the challenges?

I think the biggest challenge is watching your tongue and not lashing out at your ex, even if it feels warranted. A challenge for our situation is remaining calm with each other when one of us is stressed or irritable. Another challenge is having to navigate logistics with holidays, work requirements, birthdays, etc. The better two people can extend grace to each other and recognize that they are really on the same team, the better things can go. Patience and taking a one-down approach, even when it’s not easy, always pays off in the end.

BPP: What advice would you offer new parents who end up divorcing while their children are young?

TC: Swallow your pride and remember, you have a child together, and your number one priority is to raise him or her to be healthy. If your feelings get hurt, get over it…it’s never as big a deal as it seems. If you’re angry, pause, and then pause again. Never talk about a heated topic like visitation or money when you’re angry. As much as you can, learn to celebrate key things for your child (birthdays, sporting events, church, milestones, etc.) together. Don’t put your child in the middle of having to plan two things to placate his feuding parents.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?

TC: Don’t compare yourself to others…everyone is different…be genuine and real. Whoops, that may be more than one.

Thank you Terry, for sharing your story with us. We are grateful for awesome dads like you. – C & K ♥

Spill It :: Monday Musing

April 13, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

When my daughter’s sleep disturbances first began, I didn’t realize she was in the early stages of colic, which has nothing to do with hunger. Like many parents, I found a way to blame myself, wrongly believing that I was not producing enough milk, hence, wrongly believing she was slowly starving. The nights of her crying non-stop were getting raw. I felt so much pressure from within and out to feed her breast milk exclusively, and had wedged myself into a corner. I stopped talking about it, because I was ashamed of the total lack of love I felt for breastfeeding. I’d believed it would be a blissful and bonding experience for us, like it is for most moms and babies. I didn’t know this had nothing to do with milk. I was losing my grip.

Enter my sister-in-law, Traci. She’s on the bad-ass list, and I was beyond ready for her visit. I’d planned to have everything sorted out by then, so she could just bond with her new niece, and we could sip decaf while wearing cute velour sweat pants and talking about how awesome it is to be a mom. The version of me she actually encountered? A total mess. I melted into her hug, and she said, “Sissie, talk to me.”

Loaded pause.

The reasons people struggle with vulnerability are endless. I’ll share my personal top three.

“I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.” As a therapist, I am very adept at identifying what my clients are feeling, but my internal gauge is flawed. My family of origin had some great attributes, but one of our challenges was emotional repression. Feelings were not discussed or reflected. As an adult I have to work hard to identify what I’m feeling, let alone deal with it or describe it to others.
“I don’t want to burden anyone.” Part of repression comes from an irrational fear that the messiness of your feelings could actually harm someone (from negatively impacting their mood, to the extreme of actually physically injuring them). Not to mention the risk of judgement, my most feared version being that people will think I want pity. In her book, Daring Greatly, Brené Brown writes, “We can’t let ourselves be seen if we’re terrified by what people might think. Often, ‘not being good at vulnerability’ means that we’re damn good at shame.”
“Other people have it way worse.” This is true. When I listen to my clients and friends, I marvel at what they’ve had to overcome just to function, let alone open themselves to trusting me or anyone else. Rising to a global view, things can look horrific. My hypocrisy enters here, because I never comparatively quantify others’ feelings. I reserve all the judgement for myself.

I pushed through it all with Traci, because I felt I had no choice. Disclaimer: I might have dreamed this exchange, because I was sleep deprived. But, I like this version, so it will go down in the annals (Freud made me use that word) as truth. “I’m not okay I’m freaking out she won’t stop crying all night and I think it’s because I’m not producing enough milk and she’s starving and people keep saying I’ll feel it when my milk ‘lets down’ but I don’t feel shit and when I squeeze my boob nothing comes out should I show you? no? what if she starves?” I caught my breath, and Traci, in her beautiful, strong voice said, “Hey. Rita. It’s going to be okay.”

Why’d she call me Rita? That’s her pet name for when I get worked into a mash-up of excitement, anxiety and neurotic hyper-focus. She once accompanied me on a mission to buy a used silver Honda Accord. I tracked one down, and was told on the phone to meet with a salesperson named Rita. In this case, Excitement = a silver Accord…wheee! Anxiety = the last silver Accord on the planet will be sold out from under me. Neurotic Hyper-Focus = I must find Rita, immediately, and at all costs. When we entered the dealership, I walked, fast, up to the first four salespeople I encountered, one of whom was a man, thrusting my hand forward in a firm, “I’m no sucka” shake, exclaiming, “Hiiii, Rita! Are you Rita???” while Traci stood slightly behind me, shrugging her shoulders apologetically at each non-Rita, silently mouthing, “Meth.”

I cried out my fears, and she just sat with me. Then she picked up my daughter and said, “Look at her.” I did. I saw a round, vibrant face. Little rolls of fat on her legs. Sustained. Traci said, “Forest for the trees. She’s okay, and she’s going to be okay. We will figure this out, but she’s not starving. You are doing an amazing job.” Fear drained out of me, replaced by clear vision.

My friend Dennis is surviving cancer, and intimate with death. I take what he says seriously. His theory on pain and joy is that everyone gets numbered slices of each. The slices are utterly disproportionate across people and from my limited view, there’s no explanation. Certainly no justification. I only know that I feel the warmest and most purposeful when people share their pain and joy with me, I see myself in it, and I grow from the reflection. And when I share my pain and joy with them, and they are released to see and share their own more freely. The opposite of this warmth is alienation. I won’t dilute this: alienation kills.

Think you’re protecting yourself by hiding your real? You’re not. You’re likely too close to your situation to see clearly, your face pressed against a Seurat. Opening yourself to others’ light allows you out of the patterns trapping you in your corner. Think you’re protecting others? You’re not. You’re alienating them, depriving them of potential growth as they see themselves in you, feel closer to you, and naturally share their own real. If you have someone you already trust, lean into them. Take them to your crazy town, and air out your fears. If you feel you don’t have anyone, try building trust with a therapist. If you try and the therapist sucks or just isn’t the right fit, try someone else (I went to several before I found my Elaine). Just spill it. We need each other. It’s how we’re wired.

Here’s To Sanity and Rita,

Cheryl

I Can’t Put Them In A Bubble? :: Monday Musing

March 30, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

My first baby caught his first cold at the age of ten months. I was devastated. I assumed that the breast-feeding, pureed veggies and good sleep would make my little one immune to all illness. I was wrong. When I schlepped my congested patient into our pediatrician’s office, she calmly explained that my son had to build up his immune system somehow, and that his inability to blow his nose would make the cold last longer. She was right. No matter how much I tried to siphon out the mass quantities of snot with the little-blue-bulb-sucker-thing (and no matter how many times he swatted the snot-sucker out of my hand) I could not speed that cold out of his system. It simply had to run its course.

Thus began a virtual marathon of viruses, bugs and infections. By the time Aidan was four years old, he had produced enough snot to fill a swimming pool. “I’ve just accepted that this is the way it’s going to be,” Cheryl often said in reference to her own children’s sniffles. I too worked on acceptance, worked on believing that illness is actually the most direct path to health.

Aidan did not limit his resilience building to the common cold. By the time he entered kindergarten, he had wedged a black bean up his nose, almost bitten right through his tongue, swallowed (and passed) a red plastic cherry from the Hi Ho Cherry-O board game, and somehow contracted a MRSA staph infection in his lymph gland (resulting in neck surgery and a scar that I’m pretty sure a future girlfriend will one day find manly). Our little guy was not only strengthening his immune system, he was testing out his infrastructure, and simultaneously testing his parents’ ability to roll with the punches.

None of these bumps and bruises prepared my husband and me for the health struggles that our second baby would encounter. Two weeks after Elliott was born, he was hospitalized and diagnosed with Posterior Urethral Valve, a congenital condition that affects the kidneys and bladder. Multiple hospitalizations and surgeries followed for our sweet little newborn and Aidan’s snottiness and stomach bugs suddenly paled in comparison. My ER doctor friend, Janna, reassured me that Elliott’s body had plenty of time to adapt and remodel. And she was right. Elliott’s body not only remodeled, it thrived. He developed into a healthy Christopher Robin-esque creature who currently towers over the other kindergartners in his classroom.

Despite my kids’ ability to divide and conquer their own health issues, I still find myself chasing them around with a metaphorical bubble wand. It is now the emotional pain that brings out my mama bear tendencies. The nurturing caretaker in me wants to protect my boys from all disappointment and hurt feelings. But the therapist in me knows that they have to experience some pain in order to develop the grit they’ll require later in life. So, I urge myself to sit back and let the squabbles, the bad school days and the crocodile tears work themselves out. In order to build up our kid’s strength, we have to allow them to suffer a little. I’m not sure if this suffering is worse for the kids or the parents. But I do know that if I gently support my kids as they work through their sniffles and scuffles, we will all come out a little healthier and a little tougher in the end.

Here’s to Strength, Sanity and Scars!

Kirsten

Who Am I To Judge? :: Sunday Sanity

March 15, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Confession time. Back in my pre-baby years, I was known to cringe and walk the other way when I heard a fussy baby in the grocery store. Why would anyone try to shop with a screaming child in tow? I silently questioned. Three years later, I knew the answer. I was now the parent who was anxiously rushing up and down the grocery aisles with my loudly protesting infant because we truly could not go another day without toilet paper. Or toothpaste. Or coffee.

Here’s another confession: I once scolded the “big kids” on the playscape when they were being WAY too loud and WAY too rough around my 18-month-old toddler. “Would you lower your screams to a dull roar, and chill out a little, please?” I protectively demanded, and then turned to glare at their parents who were consumed in cheerful chatter. Five years later, I was the mom who turned my “big boys” loose on the playscape, trusting that they would make “good” choices while I enjoyed a little quality time with my latté and iPhone.

When it comes to parenting, judgment can be a knee-jerk reaction. It’s easy to say, my pregnancy or delivery would never go that way. I would never parent like that. My child would never act that way. And when things go awry (which they tend to do) it is easy to redirect that shame and judgment toward ourselves. I am the only parent who is struggling with this. My child is behaving worse than everyone else’s. All of the other parents have their act together.

Here’s what I now believe: The majority of us parents are doing our absolute best. And in spite of these stellar efforts, we all screw up regularly and struggle with very similar challenges. As parents, we have more in common than not.

Some of the most loving, reassuring words a friend can say in response to my parenting woes are, “Oh, girlfriend, I have struggled with that same situation!” Relief and gratitude wash over me when I feel that instead of judgment, I am receiving understanding and empathy.

In light of this awareness, that we do oh-so-much better when we lift each other up, Cheryl and I have designated the BPP website to be a judgment-free zone. Why? Because between the two of us, we have survived a hell of a lot of parenting challenges. We can truly say, “We’ve been there and we’ve done that.” And if we haven’t, we know a close friend who has. Our births have gone exactly as planned and they have gone completely off-course. Our children have been as sweet as angels and…well…complete a-holes. For every parenting paradigm we’ve latched on to, we’ve hit an obstacle that’s turned our beliefs upside down. We are not in a place to judge, because we don’t want to be judged ourselves.

So, here is your pep talk in the locker room of parenthood: You are not alone on this journey. Regardless of your experiences with fertility, pregnancy or parenting, we are all on the same team. In fact, we’re stronger together than we are apart. When it comes to the act of child rearing, there is no shame in trying your best, floundering and regularly reaching out for help.

Now, when I encounter a screaming baby in the cereal aisle, or see kids playing a little too exhuberantly on the playground, I don’t immediately walk the other way with a look of dismay on my face. Instead, I smile knowingly, and go back to parenting my own kids in my whole-hearted, yet frequently imperfect way.

BPP Sanity Savers:

Identify areas in your own parenting that bring up feelings of guilt, fear or incompetence. Don’t be afraid to discuss them with other trusted, supportive parents.
As you move through your day, observing other parenting styles, see how the positive belief that “we’re on the same team” impacts your view.
Judgment is human and natural, but blocks our ability to have true compassion. Try to notice and soften your judgments of yourself and other parents.

Here’s to compassion and sanity,

Kirsten

Desperately Seeking… Human Connection :: Tuesday Tip

March 10, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

I can mingle and party with the best of them, but when it comes to recharging my batteries, I’m a classic introvert. Give me a quiet house, a cup of tea, and a good book – I’m as happy as a toddler in a Tupperware drawer. For this reason, I figured that quitting my office job and staying home with my newborn baby was going to be pure nirvana, right?

Ummm… partially right. While there were certainly heavenly slices, there were also incredibly lonely moments, and I noticed a new wave of extroversion taking over my personality.

After a few weeks at home with baby, I yearned for new-parent pals who could answer my infant-care questions and empathize with my parenting struggles. I found myself scanning the playground or bookstore for other new moms and babies, ready to pounce with an invitation for friendship. Gone were the days of scoping out the scene for hot guys – instead I spent my time sizing up other parents, trying to determine if they would be compatible with my little family of three. My standard pick-up line: “Oh, your little one is so cute. How old? Well, he/she seems to get along really well with my little guy.” (Translation: Can we exchange numbers and hang out again? Please? Please?)

Most new parents experience what I call the Baby Paradox: Yes, you are in the constant company of a precious and fascinating little human. But it is also common and normal to struggle with feelings of extreme loneliness and mind-numbing boredom. The cure for this post-baby isolation? Reach out and connect as much as you can.

Here are some ideas for staying connected and making new friendships in the midst of baby-land:

Utilize Social Media: Although some of us are bit burned out, social media can be an amazing resource when you’re home with a new little one. Consider starting a Facebook group for expecting and new parents in your community, and then advertise it in the neighborhood newsletter or bulletin board. Scan MeetUp.com for New Parent Meet and Greets (if you can’t find one, consider creating your own).

Seek Out Existing Groups: Many cities, community centers and churches offer support and educational groups for expecting and new parents. Do an Internet search to see what’s available in your area. A great option, available in Austin and other metropolitan areas, is Bump Club and Beyond, an über-cool networking and informational group for expecting and new parents. Another Austin option for post-baby connection is the wonderful support group, Mothers Unfolding.

Give Family and Friends the Green Light: Your loved ones might be trying to give you and your new little one space, thinking that you need time to rest and bond. Let them know that you are very open to visits – give them the best times and set up regular dates.

Make Out-Of-The-Nest Time for Both Parents: When baby is old enough to take a bottle or survive a couple hours without mom, make plans with a friend and get OUT (yes, out of the house, into the fresh air, into the world). Dads and parenting partners can also struggle with symptoms of social-withdrawal, so encourage your partner to take some time on the weekend to connect with pals. And whenever you can, load up the Ergo, Baby Bjorn or Moby and get the whole family out on an adventure, even if it only lasts an hour.

Three years after becoming a mom, I was taking my second baby for a walk when a woman came flying out of her house in sweat pants, a t-shirt and noticeably un-washed hair. “Hi!! Hi!” she exclaimed, “Is that a baby in your stroller? I have a newborn in the house. Do you live in the neighborhood? Hi…”

I just nodded knowingly and handed her my phone number. “Let’s hang out soon!” I said as I walked away, happy that I could offer another new mom a brief escape from the sometimes lonely land of newborns.

BPP Sanity Savers:

While you are pregnant, begin researching new-parent social groups and play groups in your community that might be a resource for you later.
Let family and friends know that you will love their visits and support after baby has arrived. Give them a schedule of ideal times once you have become accustomed to your little one’s ebb and flow.
Make sure that both you and your partner get time to fly the coop. As soon as you can, go on small adventures as a family. The fresh air and human connection will do you good!

Here’s to strength and sanity,

Kirsten

Three Times A Dad :: Wednesday Wisdom

February 25, 2014 By: babyproofedparents4 Comments

The Lee Family

Meet Lloyd Lee. Lloyd is an awesome dad with a unique perspective – he has coached his wife, Chelese, through three different births in two different settings. And they have three sweet daughters to show for it. When not spending time at home with “the girls”, this native Texan is working hard at his green construction & solar business, Native, or enjoying BBQ and quality craft-beers at his family-owned micro-brewery, Smoke’n Hops.

BPP: As we can see in your photo, you are surrounded by lovely ladies. Be honest – what’s it like to be the only male in a family of five?

LL: I’ve learned that although many people make emotionally-based decisions which they later rationalize with logic, the women in my life are content with just the first part of this decision making process. Besides this, there is a great deal more glitter, random singing, dressing up, and hugging than the primarily male household in which I grew up.

BPP: Your wife, Chelese, gave birth to your first little girl over seven years ago. Can you remember what that moment was like?

LL: Definitely. It was a mixture of pride in Chelese, astonishment that her body could do what I was witnessing, relief that the baby was healthy, and an immediate sense of heightened responsibility.

BPP: You have had the unique experience of coaching Chelese through two hospital births and one midwife-assisted birth in a birthing center. Can you share with us the key differences that you noticed between the two settings?

LL: The hospital births felt like a well-rehearsed process. Not so much for us, but for the numerous staff members who had been through this countless times. They knew and followed the process and if things weren’t going accordingly, changes were made to bring it back within bounds. The birthing center was a completely different experience. They approach each birth as a unique experience and allow the mother and baby to dictate the rules vs. having preconceived notions of what it should be like. This fundamental difference empowers the mother to focus on the job at hand and not worry about missing a deadline for progress, which will result in intervention.

BPP: Since you are now a childbirth veteran, any suggestions for dads or birth partners on how to support the woman who is laboring and delivering?

LL: Know your partner and how they want to be supported. Support comes in lots of forms and not everyone responds to it the same way. My wife appreciated verbal support, physical contact, and reminders of how the birth was progressing. Try to stick to the birth plan and act as the liaison between the mother and hospital staff. Without this, the mother may make decisions to expedite delivery that may leave her feeling defeated later.

BPP: Without getting too graphic, can you share what it is like to be at the other end of the labor and delivery experience? Oh, what the heck, you can get graphic if you would like.

LL: Pretty amazing. I never fully appreciated why it’s referred to as labor until witnessing it myself. The “miracle” of childbirth does not involve pixie dust or magic. It’s laden with blood, sweat, and tears. Nothing reminds you that we are another animal roaming this planet like the instant that your baby’s head pops out.

BPP: Any suggestions on how birth partners can communicate with the nurse, doctors, doulas and/or midwives?

LL: I would just recommend communicating desires related to how you’d like the birth to go. It doesn’t guarantee it will go as planned, but having a plan helps all parties understand expectations.

BPP: After each baby was born, how did you support Chelese as she recovered from the delivery?

LL: The biggest area of support is to let the mother sleep. Laboring and giving birth are exhausting and having a new baby that relies on its mother for food makes for limited sleep. Also, it sometimes takes the baby a little while to get the hang of breastfeeding. Being supportive through this process is important because it can be stressful for the mother.

BPP: What was it like for you the first few days and weeks after bringing your new babies home?

LL: It’s amazing how quickly you forget the size of a newborn. I spend the first few days marveling at the tiny-ness of the new addition to the family.

BPP: : If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to expecting or new parents, what would it be?

LL: It’s cliche that kids change your lives, which is absolutely true, but I think it’s important to not let your kids change how you live. We try to do most of the same things we used to do before kids, with them in tow. Kids are resilient and keeping them isolated to the house doesn’t help them or the new parents.

Lloyd’s Sanity Savers:

When acting as a birth partner, know your partner’s wishes and the birth plan before heading into the delivery room. You will be functioning as a support person, advocate and liaison for the woman that is giving birth. That’s a big job to take on!
After baby is born, mom will continue to need emotional support and time to rest while she recovers from the delivery and adjusts to breast-feeding.
Witnessing the birth of a child is amazing and inspiring – savor the experience and don’t let the adventure stop there. Your children will benefit if you continue to live your life to the fullest, with them along for the ride.

Thanks for sharing the often untold story of what it is like on other side of the delivery experience, Lloyd. We appreciate your insights and perspective! – C & K ♥

Feed Your Baby, Feed Your Senses :: Tuesday Tip

February 17, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

This story might be familiar to some of you, and a cautionary tale to others. My daughter had colic. For several weeks, between the hours of 4 pm and 1 am, she was either crying uncontrollably, breast feeding, or stunned into brief silence by the sound of the vacuum cleaner (we had super clean floors during this time).

One evening, J (my kids’ awesome dad) and I were invited to a happy hour. We decided he should go, as I tended to have an easier time soothing her as the parent with the milk supply, and she would definitely not have been a “happy” addition to the hour if we tried to take her along. When he walked back into the house, he smelled like outside and red wine. I stood close to him and inhaled deeply several times in a row, like an addict huffing paint fumes from a paper sack. I was floored at how amazing a scent other than our sweet baby girl, breast milk and spit-up could be.

When you are in the throws of life with a new baby, you are hyper-focused on making them comfortable: warm, fed, held, diapered, bathed, etc…and this is good and instinctual. The only draw back is how easily you can forget to do many of these things for yourself. Feeding your own needs gives you the endurance to feed your baby’s needs. This goes for partners too – we are in this together, and we all need sweet soothing to keep our sanity in tact. Doing something nurturing for each of your five senses, every day, is a great way to keep yourself fueled.

Here are some of my favorite examples:

Smell: Stock up on some of your favorite scented candles. Take a few seconds to light one in whatever room you’re spending the most time in. The smell of a few drops of essential lavender oil on a pillow near where you breastfeed can help relax you.

Touch: Treat yourself to some new lounge pants and super soft t-shirts. You’ll spend a ton of time at home in the first few months, so having cute, comfortable clothes you feel good in can help cheer you up. Hot baths soothe your body and your spirit. Back rubs and hugs for and from your partner feel great and help you stay close and connected.

Sight: Surround yourself with photos of friends, family and artwork that either makes you feel calm or cracks you up. No Edvard Munch in the nursery, okay? If you can change the scenery when you breastfeed, try different spots in the house, or near a window where you can see outside.

Hearing: Music. Take the extra five seconds to turn it on. Whatever helps you transcend, feel happy, upbeat, relaxed… identify the feeling you crave and choose the music to best elicit it. And don’t pressure yourself to play kid-friendly music only – chances are good your baby will love hearing whatever you listened to while he or she rocked out in your belly.

Taste: Make sure to eat and drink. It is so easy to forget this when you’re trying to keep up with the voracious appetite of a newborn. Go with suggestions from your OB or midwife on what’s best if you’re breast-feeding, find some things you love and savor them every day. I used to say “good morning” out loud and smile at my cup of decaf before taking the first sip. It was that delicious.

BPP Sanity Savers:

Taking care of yourself is imperative to the endurance needed for caring for a newborn.
Think about what your senses love the most, and stock up on supplies for feeding them in advance. Attend to all 5, every day.
Talk with your partner in advance about ways you can help each other nurture yourselves – you both need and deserve TLC!

Here’s to strength and sanity,

Cheryl

Letting Go :: Sunday Sanity

February 15, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

When I became pregnant with my first child, I had no clue that I was embarking on the most intense period of personal development I have ever experienced. Forget those self-help books I had filled my shelves with. My new baby became my guru, counselor and coach all wrapped up in one dimpled package.

Perhaps I should have guessed that major growth was coming my way when my acupuncturist shared some advice on giving birth. She explained that most women reach a point in their labor when they feel like they might just die if they have to endure any more pain. This is an important part of the labor, she reasoned, because a part of you IS dying. You are essentially being reborn as a mother, a parent. The mind-numbing pain serves as a signal to surrender completely to the labor, to let go of control and to give in to the natural process of life. My acupuncturist urged me to practice surrendering as I awaited the big day.

Gulp… How did she know that control was an issue for me? That I grew up in a chaotic, single-parent home, and that I learned to cope with the chaos by attempting to manipulate my environment, my appearance, my everything? “Surrender – Let Go,” became my silent mantra for the remainder of my pregnancy.

Predictably, my new theme song slipped my mind as I worked my way through the labor. But the significance of the event did not escape me; the natural birth of my son was an incredibly transformative experience. And afterward, I thought, Whew – hard part over!

Heh-heh. Little did I know that Aidan’s birth was only the beginning of my own “rebirth,” and that my new baby boy would unwittingly encourage me to give up control in the weeks and months to come.

It began two weeks after his arrival. Aidan wasn’t gaining weight, despite my zealous attempts to breast-feed him. Consequently, I had to swallow my pride… and seek some help. When he was four weeks old and developed baby acne, cradle cap and a splotchy rash, I confronted my own appearance-related insecurities. And when he was two and I had to lug him, bawling and flailing, out of the library when he wasn’t quite ready to leave, I let go of other people’s perceptions and judgments.

I let go of being on time, having stain-free clothing, getting a full night’s sleep, knowing all the answers…

I let go.

I realized that I was also surrendering and quietly letting down my walls. I surrendered to the jubilant hugs, slobbery kisses and uninhibited cuddling that only a little one can bestow. Surrendered to the most pure, unadulterated and unwavering love I have ever given or received in my life.

Naturally, this is an ongoing journey for me. I still battle with various control issues. I have two boys now, and catch myself pacing the house tense-shouldered, miffed that I am not in complete control of my hand-print covered, laundry-filled home. The tension usually signals me to breathe and start up my old chant, “Surrender – Let Go.” My sons seem determined to teach me this important life lesson, even if they have to spill 200 cups of sticky juice to get the message through. Stubborn like their mama, they’re going to break me of my control habit, regardless of what it takes!

BPP Sanity Savers

Your process of surrender can begin before your baby arrives. Have a plan and be prepared for your birth, but hold on as loosely as you can.
Identify the areas of your life in which you have a tightly-gripped, non-negotiable need for control. Try to think of small ways to relax in these areas, even if just in your mind.
Remember that the beautiful insanity of a new baby is short (even though difficult chapters can seem to take an eternity). Try to embrace the lack of control as much as you can.

Here’s to strength and sanity,

Kirsten