DEPRESSION

No Performance Review for the New Parent

January 31, 2017 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Before I had my first baby, I had a corporate job, complete with cubicles, bureaucracy and a never-ending supply of donuts and half-finished cakes calling to me from the break room.

I didn’t grieve any of that when I left my job to go on maternity leave. Not the stray, half-eaten sweets that always seemed to find their way to my stomach. Not the cloud of policies and procedures that metaphorically hovered over my cubicle.

There was one thing that I did miss – and it surprised the heck out of me. During those early days with my baby, I found myself longing for performance evaluations and reviews.

You’re probably thinking I’m crazy right about now. Who in their right mind would miss a performance review? Who would want to be evaluated by their boss?

Let me explain.

I cherished staying home with my newborn baby. But I also found it to be rather isolating and overwhelming. The moment my little boy emerged, I felt pressured to speed-learn ALL of these new skills: how to breastfeed, how to soothe a colicky baby, how to treat a diaper rash and how to keep a household running, all in the same day.

While I was putting myself through a Baby 101 crash course, there was no one to say, “Hey, you are doing a great job!” or “You got a 8.5 out of 10 on that nipple latch. I’m giving you a bonus this month.” I went from having my every move monitored in an office setting to getting very little feedback on the job I was doing at home. That was tough.

My husband would occasionally tell me he thought I was doing great, but not nearly enough. To give the guy credit, he was figuring out all of these new jobs as well, so he was just as clueless as me.

It wasn’t just the evaluations that I missed. I also found myself yearning for the daily interaction with co-workers that provided me with a steady diet of validation and feedback. “I love that outfit on you. Where did you get it?” or “I overheard you talking to that client. Great job!” It was me and a non-verbal newborn most of the day, and the walls around me stayed pretty silent.

If you think about it, we get regularly reviewed and evaluated from the time we are a baby: Our parents coo at us and tell us we are wonderful and doing a great job. Our teachers and professors give us assignments and grades, assuring us we are on the right track. Our supervisors and bosses take over with job descriptions, trainings and scheduled feedback.

And then suddenly we become parents, and we find ourselves thinking, Um, what the hell am I doing? Am I doing it right? Am I doing anything right?

Whether you are staying home for a three-month maternity/paternity leave, or you’ve made the decision to transition to stay-at-home-parent, I have a few tips to help you feel validated and supported a long the way, in spite of not having a boss around to tell you that you’re doing great.

Join a new parent support group. Your most valuable source of support and encouragement is going to be from other new parents. They are in the trenches with you and understand that you have a lot on your plate. Join a group on social media, or better yet, seek out a neighborhood play group or a Meetup group for new parents. Create your own “board meetings” with likeable people and friends who are doing the same job that you are. (Notice I said likeable people. Spending time with negative or catty individuals will not be helpful under these circumstances.)

2. Ask your partner to give you regular feedback and reassurance. It’s ok to let your husband or wife know that you might need more praise than usual. Especially if one of your love languages is words of affirmation (like me!) I crave feedback and validation, and I ask my husband regularly for it. When you are a new parent you often feel exhausted and full of self-doubt. Ask your partner to give you kudos when appropriate: a sweet note, a little card, a verbal compliment. A little bit of positive feedback will go a long way.

3. Look for non-verbal feedback from your little ones. Around 2 months old, your little one will start to smile and interact with you a bit. This is like pure gold for a new parent. There is nothing on earth like receiving your first non-gas-induced smile. Soak up the giggles, look into your little one’s eyes, and recognize that they think you are doing a great job. Of course, there will be days when they cry for hours on end or they throw a tantrum fit for a king. Remember that these are not signs that you are doing a bad job – kids will be kids after all.

Don’t do Devil Wears Prada with yourself. Be kind!

4. Be easy on yourself. It’s true – we are all our own worst critics. With this in mind, give yourself a lot of grace. You are learning. You are growing. Things will get easier… and then hard again… and then – well, you get the picture. This will be an ongoing journey until your children fly the coop. Until then, pat yourself on the back for doing the best job you can. And as always, reach out to a counselor or a trusted individual if your self-doubt is getting the best of you. We’re here for you – there’s no need to figure all of this out on your own.

Here’s to Sanity and Being Your Own Boss,

Kirsten

5 Tips for Parenting through the Storm

November 15, 2016 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Updated February 2017: Since the new year is turning out to be just as intense as 2016, I updated this article and added one extra tip.

OK, 2016 is proving itself to be a pretty intense year… and it isn’t even over yet. News from around the world has been bleak. With multiple mass shootings and other incidents of violence around the country, the headlines in the States haven’t been much better. Regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum, the 2016 presidential campaigns and election were downright traumatic.

As a result, I’ve observed a wide range of emotions in my counseling clients over the last few weeks: frustration, grief, anxiety and rage, to name a few. Many of my clients have entered my office in tears. A few have asked me, How in the world do you parent your two young boys through some of these days?

My answer? Parenting is actually a source of solace and sanity for me. It is one constant in my life that I can always count on. It can still be challenging at times, considering the current state of affairs. But I’ve figure out some ways to manage the hardest moments. Here are my tips for weathering the storm as a parent, when you are feeling completely overwhelmed by the news of the day:

1. Don’t Shelter From All

From a very, very young age our kids are picking up on our emotions. They see us when we are sad or angry. They watch how we work through our feelings and reactions. They observe how we soothe ourselves, how we turn to others, how we talk to our partners and how we make plans for moving forward. Our kids learn about disappointment and loss, that life doesn’t always goes as expected. But they also learn about emotional intelligence, resilience and hope. In many cases, they see us fighting and advocating for what we believe is right. My advice? Don’t feel like you have to keep your eyes dry or your TV turned off whenever your kids are in the room. It is beneficial for them to see you being human and see your response to what’s happening in the world.

That being said….

2. Find a Balance in Exposure

Yes, our kids benefit from being exposed to current events and our emotional response. But there is also a fine line between teaching and traumatizing. Remember that very young children have a hard time differentiating between imagined or exaggerated threats and real threats. If they hear enraged and inflammatory language, if they view violent images on the TV, if they see us crying non-stop, they can begin to feel like the world is going to cease to exist. It can feel quite traumatic for them — they can feel unsafe.

The same goes for us.

If we expose ourselves to too much hate-filled talk, conflict and violence, we can also spiral into depression and despondency. My advice? Limit your exposure to the news and angry rhetoric. Shut off social media when you need to. And monitor how much you are processing the news around your kids. Take breaks when needed and go back to the daily activities that bring you solace… which takes me to my next point.

3. Find Peace in Your Routines and Rituals

The great thing about having kids, whether they are a newborn or a teenager, is that they keep you busy. Regardless of how discouraged or irate you are feeling, you still have to breastfeed, do laundry, read books at bedtime and tuck little ones in. Even when the political rhetoric reaches an all time low, you still have to drive the carpool, show up for work and wash the dishes.

Kids also bring you back to soothing rituals. Yesterday I was in my favorite grocery store, Central Market, when I spotted a big display of $2.49 chocolate Advent calendars. They had the same colorful Santa-themed prints on them that they have had for the last five years. My face lit up. We still have a few weeks before the start of December, but I bounced over to the display and bought five. Two for my boys, and three for anyone else I can bestow them on. Yes, the chocolates are tiny and crappy, but my kids really, really look forward to opening a chocolate surprise for 24 mornings in December. It is these small traditions, these tiny pleasures that keep us going when we feel defeated. Seek out your family rituals and routines. Find peace in the sameness of your days and years.

4. Choose A Few Actions or Causes to Focus Your Energy On

You are a busy parent, and you don’t have a lot of free time. But you want to feel like you are doing something, like you are contributing. My suggestion is to choose one or two causes to devote your energy to so that you don’t get overwhelmed. And then do small (or big) actions whenever you can squeeze them in. Make a call to a senator, write a letter to a public official, show up to a rally or write a check to an organization that you support. Don’t beat yourself up or overextend yourself if you have limited time and energy. Involve your kids if appropriate – they will remember the actions that you take when fighting for something you believe in for the rest of their lives.

5. Make Self-Care a Priority, More Than Ever

I touched on this during my first point, but I’ll say it again: our kids are watching how we sooth and take care of ourselves when we are upset. They learn SO much about self-care and boundaries from their parents.

Knowing this, please take care of yourself.

Go to bed early, get together with friends, go to a place of worship, schedule a massage or do whatever feels comforting to you. This will allow you to stay fully present with your children. It will also allow you to march on with whatever campaign you have aligned yourself with and to participate in your relationships and your job. If you feel like you are fighting depression or extreme anxiety, don’t hesitate to reach out to a counselor. Reach out to me! I will tell you what I tell all of my clients: You are not alone. You are definitely not alone…

Here’s to Sanity and Sameness,

Kirsten

An Army of Moms & The Hashtag #meditateonthis

January 30, 2016 By: babyproofedparentscomment

This week an influential health panel, the US Preventive Services Task Force, issued new recommendations regarding maternal mental health, stating that all women should be screened for depression during pregnancy and after childbirth.

Mothers and mental health care providers everywhere rejoiced. Being a mom and a therapist myself, I was doubly overjoyed. Ten years ago, I was a new parent who was shocked at how little questioning and support I received regarding my postpartum mental health from both my obstetrician and pediatrician. They gladly gave me info on my healing episiotomy and my clumsy breastfeeding technique, but they seemed to quickly change the subject when I brought up the anxiety or postpartum distress I was experiencing.

Things have improved in the last ten years. More and more new mothers with perinatal mood disorders are referred to me for professional counseling via their doctor or their insurance provider. More childbirth educators and birth professionals are coaching their clients on how to care for their emotional and relationship health prior to bringing a baby into the world. Thanks to organizations like Postpartum Progress and Postpartum Support International, awareness is building and PPD is losing its stigma and gaining support.

But we still have a long way to go. Studies suggest that one in seven, and possibly as many as one in five women develop symptoms of depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, psychosis or a mixture of all four during pregnancy or after childbirth. Many mothers, as many as 70%, are left undiagnosed and untreated. Some women lose their life as a result.

Knowing these facts, it makes sense that an army of indignant parents responded to Marianne Williamson, a New York Times bestselling spiritual author and speaker, when she tweeted the following earlier this week:

U.S. Preventive Services Task Force says pregnant women should be “screened for depression.” How many on Task Force on big pharma payroll??

And then, in later comments, followed up with this:

Hormonally created, normal mood swings during and after pregnancy are not a disease. Meditation helps. Prayer helps. Love helps.

You might wonder why a few tweets from Williamson caught so much attention. The truth is that her comments are representative of a more widely-held opinion that postpartum mood disorders are simply a normal part of parenthood. Many believe that long-lasting depression or anxiety is only experienced by mothers who are not taking care of themselves or are weak.

The backlash was immediate and fierce. “Warrior moms” lead by the passionate Postpartum Progress founder, Katherine Stone, filled the Twitter-sphere with hundreds of comments accompanied by the hashtag #meditateonthis. Their statements argued that postpartum depression is an extremely serious, sometimes fatal condition that frequently calls for more than meditation, prayer and love.

Aarti Sequeira ‏(@aartipaarti): Wow @marwilliamson. Have you suffered from PPD? It is so much more than a “rough day”.

Alena (@Alena29): The bonus benefit to screenings is educating doctors and breaking down doors to get information in more hands. #meditateonthis

TiffanyDolci (@TiffanyDolci): @marwilliamson #meditateonthis I would not be here today to fight the #stigma you’re creating without my #medication #ppd

Amanda Magee (@AmandaMagee): If you hurt, there’s pain If you ache, there are wounds Need help? You deserve help You aren’t broken, you are fixable. #meditateonthis

Katherine Stone (‏@postpartumprog): Every #PPD mom doesn’t need medication. But she does need to be recognized. And helped. #meditateonthis

These women (and a few men) brilliantly and fiercely argued that PPD is about more than feeling a little sad. While “baby blues” are a common hormonal adjustment that typically last no more than two weeks, perinatal mental illness is vastly more critical and can have devastating consequences if left untreated.

I can vouch for this. I’ve worked with hundreds of women who have sat in tears in my office discussing the emotional difficulties they are experiencing during a pregnancy or following the birth of a child. Yes, meditation and mindfulness can help. Yes, prayer, yoga and of course, love can ease someone down the path to recovery. But there are times when a more serious intervention is called for. Cognitive-behavioral therapy, medication and sometimes hospitalization might be necessary and even life saving.

If I could chat with Williamson, I would share the story of a mother in my community who suffered from postpartum psychosis. Her house was full of loving family members who were offering her support and prayer. Tragically, this women’s obsessive thoughts and delusional thinking led her to hang herself in her bathroom, whilst her family was in the living room, giving her a breather from caring for her newborn. It’s impossible to ask “what if?” questions after a shattering loss such as this, but the ultimate hope is that more screening of women will lead to more immediate treatment and less pain and heartache for families every where.

Postpartum depression and other perinatal mood disorders are serious business. We CANNOT afford to go backward in our efforts to destigmatize this condition, raise awareness and make diagnosis and treatment more available to women every where. As Avital N. Nathman from The Mama Festo tweeted:

A call for more screening DOES NOT = more meds. It means more providers being trained properly to look for #PPD & help #meditateonthis

Who can possibly argue against that?

Why Am I Crying? :: Monday Musing

October 28, 2014 By: babyproofedparents6 Comments

A few days ago, I opened up one of those “iPhone auto-correct text mishaps” posts on the Internet, and within seconds, I was laughing so hard, I had tears running down my face. Real, wet-my-cheeks tears. This sensation of crying – without understanding what the heck I was crying about – immediately brought me back to my days of pregnancy and new motherhood. Looking back, I probably could have filled a salt-water aquarium with all of the prenatal and postpartum tears I shed.

Prior to having pregnancy hormones coursing through my body, I rarely cried in front of others. I actually took pride in the fact that I maintained a rather poker-faced exterior. My husband affectionately nicknamed me the Ice Princess (this was pre-Elsa, mind you) because the saddest, most sentimental movie couldn’t get me to tear up. The Notebook had nothing on me. I maintained this silly determination to stay dry-eyed.

All bets were off after I became pregnant. You only had to give me a sappy American Idol episode, a baby food commercial, or a mention of pregnancy from a passing stranger and I was immediately boo-hooing. When my baby arrived, the crying increased. I experienced tears of astonishment and joy as I stared at the amazing little creature in my arms. Tears over how damn hard a natural thing like breastfeeding seemed to be. Tears because I was sleep-deprived and, let’s face it, a little delirious. Happy and sad and exhausted tears. Not to mention the tears frequently coming from my newborn’s little eyes. We went from a quiet, stoic house to a home of sniffles and Kleenex.

So what was all this crying about? It turns out that the extremely small, almond-sized hypothalamus, which is at the core of our reptilian brain, can’t really tell the difference between being happy, sad, overwhelmed or stressed. It just knows when it is getting a strong, emotional signal and in turn, triggers our parasympathetic system, which then triggers our tear ducts. If you think about the times when you are crying, it is usually when you are having an overwhelmingly strong emotion. The tears almost act as an overflow valve, releasing some of your emotional tension and allowing your body to rest and reset. Add hormones and sleep-deprivation to already intense emotions, and the flood gates are open for business.

From a psychological and social perspective, the researcher, Dr. Oren Hasson argues that the act of crying demonstrates vulnerability. It helps people to trust and feel sympathy for you. Crying also communicates that you crave attachment. Hmmm…. I think he just perfectly described the needs of new parents and babies, don’t you?

For me, becoming a parent kicked my parasympathetic system into high gear… and it never turned off. Despite my pregnancy hormones being long gone and my kids growing older, I am still easily brought to tears, and I don’t try to hide them now. Vulnerability is currently my middle name. Our children get to cry openly and loudly. We should allow ourselves to let it go as well, whether we are laughing hysterically, feeling deeply touched or just plain sad. Crying is innately human and nothing to be ashamed of. When you are an expectant or new parent you might find yourself doing a lot of it. Just think of it as a pressure valve that is allowing you to release some steam and heaviness, calm your body and then move forward.

If you’re looking for a release right now, check out that humor post I was talking about, 35 of the Most Concerning Auto-Correct Fails of All Time. Be Warned: May contain 7th-grade-boy-level laughs, profanity, and just possibly, a few tears.

Here’s to Sanity and Kleenex,

Kirsten

A Crack In My Armor :: Monday Musing

September 29, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

You’re a real trooper.

I love receiving that compliment and I’m known to frequently dole it out myself.

Other versions of it go something like this: You’re a hoss. You’re super tough. You roll with the punches and keep on rolling.

When I hear these affirmations, I envision a thick-skinned warrior woman, covered in armor. No obstacle can get in her way. She is invincible.

My first pregnancy set me up to achieve full “trooper” status. Aside from experiencing some morning sickness and heartburn, the nine months flew by without incident and ended in a birth that went miraculously as planned. Morphing into a new mom wasn’t quite as seamless, but after I figured out breastfeeding and sleeping, I shifted things into cruise control and focused on falling in love with my new little guy. And fall in love I did.

I’ve got this pregnancy and motherhood thing down, I thought. I’m a real trooper.

When I became pregnant with Baby #2, small cracks began appearing in my armor. This time the path to parenthood wasn’t so smooth. The pregnancy was stressful – a diagnosis of placenta previa, three deaths in our extended family and a little toddler with sensory issues who wanted to prove that the Two’s really are Terrible. When the due date came and went – and then went a little further – our doctor made the decision to induce. My water was broken, the pitocin was pumped into me and that sweet little baby practically rocketed out of my body. I was left feeling drained and wary, unsure if I was ready to care for two babies under the same roof.

As I’ve written before, our challenges did not end there. Our two-week-old baby boy was diagnosed with a medical condition that sent us back to the hospital for observation and surgery. Ten days later, my little newborn and I received the great news that we could return home. But honestly, there was a part of me that didn’t want to leave the hospital, a part that was scared to manage my sickly newborn and testy toddler on my own.

I wanted to be a trooper. I wanted to roll with the punches and keep on smiling. Looking back, I was terribly depressed and not coping very well. I cried a lot during the first few months of being a mother of two. When my husband would come home after a 12-hour work shift, he often found me standing in the driveway, shoulders slumped, desperate for relief. Occasionally, while sitting on a girlfriend’s couch or hovering on a phone call, I would let my guard down and let the tears flow. Most of the time, I tucked my emotions in close and put on an act that I had everything under control. Put on an act that I wasn’t struggling with postpartum depression.

If I could hop in a time machine and go back to that year, I would sit myself down and have a stern talk. “Listen here girlfriend, you don’t have to be so strong. And you definitely don’t have to do this all on your own. Now is not the time to be a trooper and to maintain an illusion of perfection. Now is the time to reach out for help and say, THIS IS HARD, damn it.”

“And let me tell you something else,” I would add before jumping back in the time machine with a flourish. “It won’t always be this hard. Bit by bit, it will get easier and you’ll get your snap back. You’ll go back to work. You’ll go out on the town. You’ll even co-create a super cool blog (wink, wink). But right now, it is hard. So let’s take off the Wonder Woman costume and call in the troops. That’s an order!”

And back to the future, I would zoom.

The saying goes that “the shoemaker’s son has no shoes.” Well in my case, the counselor didn’t get counseling. If I had to do it again, I would pile on the help and support so high, I would be drowning in it.

Being a trooper is an admirable thing, but being a new parent who acknowledges when she or he is struggling and seeks help is even more admirable. When you have a new baby, there is no better time to give your armor, your shields and your weapons a rest and call in reinforcement. Let others hold down the fort and sometimes hold the baby. Let others prepare the meals and maybe wash the dishes. Let others care for you so that you can care for your kids. I definitely wish I had.

Here’s to Sanity and Time Machines,

Kirsten

Unmet Expectations – 3 Ways to Cope with Parenting Disappointments :: Tuesday Tip

August 26, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

A lot of moms and partners experience some sort of let down during pregnancy, birth and the first few months with their newborns. Maybe you hoped to have a girl, and felt a twinge when you got the ultrasound results. Maybe breastfeeding was insanely difficult, and you had to switch to formula sooner than you’d planned. Maybe you went in ready for a vaginal delivery, and ended up having a c-section. Maybe you thought your newborn would be a sleeping angel, but he turned out to be a very active night owl. Even the most flexible people have at least a vague idea of how they’d like things to go, and when those hopes and expectations aren’t met, it’s very normal to feel at least a little sad and/or angry. Although we’re usually pretty good at normalizing other people’s struggles, many of us experience guilt when it’s our turn to face our own version of disappointment.

Disappointment, when it’s left bottled up, can make you more susceptible to depression and/or anxiety, so it’s very important to acknowledge it. A common reframe we use in Therapy World is this: “What would you say to a friend who was experiencing the same thing?” Almost always, the answer is some version of this: “I’d tell them I’m sorry it happened that way. I’d hug them and tell them it’s okay to be sad.” I never hear, “What’s wrong with you? Get a grip! What do you have to be upset about?” It feels terrible to even write words like that – I can’t imagine saying them to someone. Yet, somehow, it’s very easy to say to myself when I’m going through difficult emotions.

Here are some strategies for airing out the inevitable changes in your best laid plans, for any stage of parenting:

Prepare as much as you can mentally for the reality that not everything will go according to plan. Try to “hold on loosely” to your visions of pregnancy, birth and the postpartum months.
Let it flow. If you notice anger or sadness welling up over unmet expectations, allow yourself a good cry, an intense journal entry, or a venting session with a trusted friend or therapist.
Once you’ve allowed yourself to feel your feelings, use gentle methods to redirect yourself and assimilate the change. Instead of saying, “Snap out of it!”, try reflecting on something positive. My midwife used to remind me that “chaos creates new flow,” and I still grab for that phrase when I’m going through a change in plans.

Here’s To Sanity and Flow,

Cheryl

Climbing Out Of The Darkness :: Wednesday Wisdom

May 14, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet A’Driane Nieves. She is a Postpartum Depression and Anxiety survivor who writes about navigating the nuances of motherhood and Bipolar Disorder Type 2. A’Driane is also a USAF disabled veteran, writer and artist best known for her love of Prince (He re-tweeted her once!), and her hot pink streaked afro. You can read her mind at her blog Butterfly-Confessions.com, and read her random thoughts on Twitter (@addyeB). She was most recently named one of BlogHer’s Voices of the Year for 2014. She lives in Austin, Texas with her futurist husband and three boys.

BPP: You have written extensively and beautifully about your battle with post-partum depression. Can you briefly share what living with PPD was like for you?

AD: For me, living with PPD was like living in a dark room that you’re constantly stumbling around in, trying to find a light switch. At the same time, I felt like I was sitting atop a speeding train and had no idea where I was headed. It was a very unsettling and dark period in my life. It was like someone came in and robbed me of myself, of my being, and left nothing but this shell of a person. I felt lost. Very, very lost.

BPP: How did you recognize that your symptoms were more than the average “baby blues”?

AD: I knew something was wrong when my son (now four years old) was around three months old. He had moderate reflux during those early months and constantly wanted to be held. His crying was very triggering for me. He would cry and I would immediately break out into a sweat. My thoughts would become scattered, my heart would race, my body would tense up and I’d think about running away. On top of anxiety, I also experienced rage and deep wells of depression once the rage would dissipate. The rage was scary – it was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. It would come on unexpectedly, usually triggered by something as minor as my older son spilling something. It was so intense, I’d be shaking. I did a lot of screaming, which I still carry a lot of shame about. I spent a lot of time hiding in the bathroom, crying, consumed with guilt and wondering why I couldn’t enjoy my children. When I was at my worst, I felt completely overwhelmed and incapable of being a “good” mother. I had intrusive thoughts – scary thoughts would flash through my mind while I was driving, cooking or bathing my kids. I dreaded each day, having to talk to people and even having to hold my son. There were days I was so “touched out”, holding him or having my oldest give me a hug would make my skin crawl. It was awful. Truly awful. It was hell. I felt so lost. Had no idea what was happening to me.

BPP: What helped you to finally “climb out of the darkness” and overcome your PPD?

AD: When my son was ten months old, I remember being so consumed with sadness for two weeks that I was suicidal. It was January 2011. I remember sitting down in my closet one night after my kids had finally gone to bed, closing the door and I just lost it right there, not understanding what was wrong with me, and wanting relief from it. I had heard of Postpartum Depression but I didn’t really know much about it – I knew of no other women in my life who had it, and my OB didn’t discuss it with me. When I had mentioned at my six week visit I felt “off” he said it was normal, just hormones, and wrote me a prescription for an anti-depressant (if I felt I needed to use it). That was it. So I Googled some of my symptoms and the first site that came up in the search results was Postpartum Progress. I read the “Plain Mama English” guides on what PPD and other postpartum-related mental illnesses were and finally felt like I had an idea as to what I had been experiencing. I emailed Katherine Stone (the founder) and the next day, she responded, reassuring me that I would be OK, I wasn’t a bad mother and that what I had was treatable – I just needed to seek help. She directed me to the Postpartum Stress Center in Rosemont, PA, and that’s where I began treatment. Saved my life. What also helped during my recovery was finding #PPDChat on Twitter, run by Lauren Hale of My Postpartum Voice. It’s a weekly chat on Twitter that offers peer support from other women who are still struggling and those who are survivors.

BPP: Can you share more about Post-Partum Progress and it’s mission?

AD: Postpartum Progress is a nonprofit laser focused on improving maternal mental health by increasing awareness of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders like PPD and giving mothers tools that connect them to the help they need. Postpartum Progress is all about ensuring mothers know the facts on perinatal mental illness, encouraging them to seek treatment as soon as possible, and eliminating the stigma surrounding these illnesses that keep so many women silent and untreated every year. They empower moms to care for their mental health, which in turn helps their families have the strongest start possible. It is now known that 1 in 7 mothers experiences a perinatal mental illness like PPD – it is the most common complication of childbirth, impacting over 1 million women every year in just the US alone. Yet only 15% of those impacted receive adequate treatment, so that means more than half a million women are going untreated every year. Research shows that untreated depression in mothers has a long-term impact on their children’s development, which really makes this not just a women’s health issue but a children’s health issue as well. The good news is that perinatal mental illnesses are treatable! Postpartum Progress works hard to create outreach and support programs that help mothers as they work toward recovery. The community Katherine has built over the last 10 years through Postpartum Progress is just amazing – I’ve never met a braver or more authentic community of women. So supportive and committed to changing the conversation about mental health and effecting change. Katherine calls women who suffer from perinatal mental illnesses Warrior Moms, and the Warrior Mom Army is FIERCE.

BPP: How are you currently advocating for PPD awareness and outreach?

AD: Right now most of my advocacy revolves around helping Postpartum Progress in any way I can. I’m on the editorial team for the blog. I participated in this year’s Mother’s Day Rally for Moms, an annual event Postpartum Progress holds on the blog every year to encourage pregnant and new moms who are suffering and working their way to recovery. I’m heavily involved with fundraising for Postpartum Progress through its annual fundraising & awareness event called Climb Out of the Darkness. On June 21st, the longest day of the year, Warrior Moms all over the world will be climbing, walking, and hiking to represent our rising out of the darkness of PPD and related illness and into the light and hope of recovery. It is the world’s largest event raising awareness of postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety and OCD, postpartum PTSD, postpartum psychosis, postpartum bipolar disorder and depression and anxiety during pregnancy. I’m also co-chairing the upcoming Warrior Mom Conference which is taking place next summer in Boston. We’ll be getting together with moms from all over the country to celebrate recovery and get skills training on how to better advocate for maternal mental health in our own communities. On a smaller scale, I do what I can to help destigmatize ALL mental illness by sharing from my personal experience on my blog and other social media.

BPP: Can you share some common misconceptions about PPD?

AD: I think one of the biggest misconceptions about PPD is that if you have it, you’re just sad all the time, which isn’t the case for so many women I know. There’s a wide range of symptoms that women can experience based on what type of illness they are suffering from that are very rarely discussed. I mentioned rage eariler – no one ever told me that rage was a symptom of depression, or that noises like an infant crying could trigger an anxiety or panic attack. The other big misconception is that if you just do all the “right” things – eat right, exercise, adopt a certain parenting lifestyle, etc., you will avoid developing PPD, and that it’s something you can just get rid of on your own. PPD and related illnesses don’t discriminate. In fact, most women have their first depressive episode in the first year postpartum. And PPD doesn’t just go away when it’s left untreated. As I mentioned before it can have a long-term impact on the health of mothers and their babies if never treated properly.

BPP: What is your life like now as a mother?

AD: Life as a mother now is…chaotic but manageable! I have three boys now – a 7, 4, and 6 mo and life is super busy. There are hard days and moments where I’m overwhelmed but I’m grateful to have a treatment plan that works for me, and a solid support system that includes fellow Warrior Moms. (They seriously are the freaking best.) My bond with all three of my children (even the one I had PPD with) is rock solid. My postpartum experience with my 6mo has been the complete opposite of what I experienced 4 years ago. Having support, and being aware really does make all the difference. I love being a mom now. I don’t dread it like I did during those dark days.

BPP: You are a seasoned and well-known blogger. Can you talk about how writing has helped you in your battle with a mood-disorder?

AD: I’ve always been a writer but I started my blog as a way to help me just brain dump all that I had going on four years ago. Writing has always helped me process what I’m wrestling my way through, and my blog has definitely helped me navigate the ups and downs of motherhood and mental illness. It’s given me a safe place to go to, you know? It’s the one place I know I can go and just be completely vulnerable, sharing whatever it is that comes out when I start typing on the keyboard. It gives me insight into myself, and helps me articulate something that I might be having a hard time explaining out loud to someone like my husband or psychiatrist. I t also helps me feel less alone. People will read and comment, and say, “Hey, me too,” and that helps me keep fighting on the hard days. Even when no one reads and there aren’t any comments, just having that space to say what I need to is crucial. My hope is that by being completely honest and vulnerable there, I can leave an archive that my boys can read when they’re older. They might want to understand who I was as a person living with mental illness, a woman and their mother.

BPP: What advice would you give to any new mother (or father) who feels like they are sinking emotionally after bringing a baby into their life?

AD: You are not alone. You are not “crazy”. You are not a bad parent for feeling the way you do, and it’s not your fault you feel this way. You are loved and worthy and the very best parent for your child. Be honest with yourself about what you’re experiencing. Seek professional help. Be your own advocate-fight for yourself like you would for your child or even for yourself if you had a physical illness like cancer. Find support groups both online and off. Let others help you. It gets better. It really does. It did for me.

A’Driane, thank you, thank you for sharing your story with us and for advocating so passionately for other parents who struggle with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. Your dedication and transparency are true gifts to other new mothers and fathers. – C & K ♥

Want to contribute to Team Austin’s Climb Out of the Darkness Fundraiser? https://www.crowdrise.com/addyeB-COTD2014/fundraiser/addyeB

Want to read more about A’Driane? Check out her blog: http://butterfly-confessions.com/

Want to learn more about Postpartum Progress? http://www.postpartumprogress.com/about

Read Katherine Stone’s Call to Action on National Healthy Babies Healthy Mother’s Coalition’s site for their “May Campaign” initiative during Maternal Mental Health Week (this week!): http://www.hmhb.org/2014/05/maternal-mental-health-call-to-action/

On Postpartum Depression and Anxiety :: Wednesday Wisdom

April 1, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Postpartum depression and anxiety are issues that affect many women, and yet our society does not discuss or address these topics nearly enough. That is why we are featuring the expertise of Dr. Kelly Boyd for this week’s Wednesday Wisdom. Dr. Boyd is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Round Rock, Texas, specializing in reproductive related issues including endometriosis, fertility/assisted reproduction, high-risk pregnancy, pregnancy and postpartum anxiety/depression, NICU issues, medical termination, and perinatal grief and loss. She is on the advisory board of the Pregnancy and Postpartum Health Alliance of Texas, the Association of Reproductive Health Professionals and is an active member of Postpartum Support International.

Dr. Boyd facilitates a free weekly postpartum support group at Any Baby Can, and also does a bi-monthly pregnancy and infant loss group at St. David’s Hospital. She’s the mother of two teens and is very active within the parenting support community. We are so honored to feature her experience and insight on postpartum issues, which impact so many parents, yet are surrounded by much unnecessary stigma, rendering them difficult to openly discuss. And they need to be openly discussed.

BPP: How do you define “Reproductive Psychology”, and what drew you to focusing your practice on these issues?

DKB: Reproductive psychology is defined as the practice of emotional support and counseling given to individuals, families and groups dealing with various types of reproductive issues that don’t go as planned in any part of the reproductive process.

Many people assume the reproductive process will just happen, but often it does not, and we are faced with statements and experiences that can result in feeling “it wasn’t supposed to be like this”. Often these struggles can be traumatic and can affect a person/relationship physically, emotionally, relationally, financially and spiritually. Supportive reproductive counseling can help the person become more aware, gain insight and feel less alone in a process that often feels scary or out of control.

I became interested in reproductive psychology after personally experiencing many of these issues myself. I also began to notice something unique about the assessment and treatment of reproductive related depression, anxiety and grief. While there was tremendous medical care for families, little was being done to emotionally support families through reproductive challenges. So, I became passionate about serving and educating the community and health professionals about the psychology of the reproductive process.

BPP: What are a few major differences between postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety?

DKB: One of my passions is educating about postpartum mood and anxiety disorders. People often only refer to “postpartum depression”, but it’s often not only depressive symptoms. Many women experience both depression and anxiety, and sometimes more of one than the other. Postpartum panic, postpartum OCD and postpartum PTSD also fall under the umbrella of postpartum anxiety disorders. Here are some of the main differences:

Postpartum Depression includes:

Sadness, irritability, excessive guilt, changes in eating and sleeping, difficulty concentrating, hopelessness, decreased interest in self, baby or things that were once enjoyable.

Postpartum Anxiety includes:

Excessive worry or fear about the baby, health issues, fear that something terrible may happen, panic attacks, difficulty breathing, fear of losing control. Postpartum OCD (a sub-symptom of anxiety) often includes repetitive, obsessive scary thoughts about harm to the self, baby or family. Postpartum PTSD often happens with a traumatic birth experience and can include many of the above symptoms with the inclusion of nightmares, flashbacks and a re-experiencing of the trauma.

BPP: We imagine that when you meet new clients with postpartum issues, you sometimes wish they’d contacted you sooner. What are some early signs that a woman should reach out for help?

DKB: Often women don’t reach out for help because they are not sure what’s happening, or because of shame and guilt about how they are feeling at a time our society often says is the happiest time in a woman’s life.

Warning signs indicating a need for help:

Increased isolation and loneliness
Prior mental health history in self or family that has worsened during pregnancy or postpartum
Lack of support or relationships with the baby, partners and friends are becoming affected
Sleep deprivation, hormonal shifts, difficulty with breast feeding may also cause changes in mood that may signal the need for help.
Fear of losing control and a sense of being overwhelmed by everything

BPP: When you meet a woman struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety, what resources do you try to mobilize for her?

DKB: Individual and couples counseling, postpartum support groups, online support and blogs, increased social support systems, additional support for increasing sleep, nutritional needs, breaks for self care, exercise, massage, acupuncture, meditation/yoga, supplements and/or medication assessment.

BPP: What advice do you have for parenting partners, friends and family members of women struggling with these issues?

Be supportive and listen to her fears, feelings and concerns. Validate that most of this is a time limited hormonal and life style adjustment that will improve.
Remind them that they are not alone. This is not forever and not a reflection of the type of parent they are. It is time limited, and with help, increased support and awareness about postpartum issues, they will get well.
Educate everyone about what postpartum IS, and what it is NOT. There are many myths. Get the facts. Great resources for families are Postpartum Support International and Postpartum Progress.
Hire and/or give additional help with household chores, night time baby wakings, sleep and self care time.

BPP: Why do you think postpartum issues are so difficult for women to talk about?

DKB: Because of the shame and stigma of maternal emotions being anything other than joyous. There are so many motherhood myths and pressures on new parents, and often we are taught to not talk about difficult or painful emotions regarding our children or adjustment to our new role. Many women also fear that they will be judged as not being a “good mom” if they express how they truly feel at times. Additionally, many express a fear of being viewed as weak or a failure if they don’t get it “just right”. Lastly, our media has mainly profiled extreme cases of postpartum psychosis, and many women fear they will become like that, or associated with the idea that they may harm themselves or their children if they talk about postpartum issues. This is simply not true. Postpartum psychosis is rare. Postpartum anxiety and depression are very common, treatable and are nothing to be ashamed about.

BPP: What would you say to a woman who feels intense shame about her postpartum issues?

DKB: What’s most important is that women realize this is a treatable, time limited experience. With help, increased education, awareness and support, they will get well. It’s not a reflection of them or their parenting. It’s something we get through and are often better for it after we heal and get the well deserved support.

BPP: What are things expectant parents can do before baby’s arrival to prepare for the possibility of postpartum issues?

DKB: Women and families should consider getting support and educated in their pregnancy. Identify potential risk factors, and develop a postpartum intervention/prevention plan. Assess needs for all family members and get resources lined up before the baby arrives. A good prevention plan, open discussion about feelings, fears, expectations regarding sleep, feedings, household chores and transitions often significantly decreases postpartum distress for everyone.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?

DKB: “Please place your own oxygen mask on, before assisting others.”
Many new parents are forgetting how important it is to care for self because they solely focus on the baby or others, often resulting in depletion and exhaustion. Take time for self, which in turn will be a benefit for everyone!

Thank you, Dr. Boyd, for your insight into these incredibly important issues, that we hope will be talked about more and more openly.

Here’s To More Sanity and Less Shame,

C & K ♥