communication | baby proofed parents

8 Things to Say to Your Partner That Will Make You a Happier Couple

August 23, 2017 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

We say a massive amount of words every day – on average 15,000. Many of those words are the same ones we said the day before, and the day before that. When you’re co-parenting, your communication with your partner becomes even more repetitive and business-like. Why? Because you are running a baby-raising, household-managing, food-serving business together.

Who’s handling bath tonight?

Please turn on the baby monitor when you go upstairs.

I forgot to grab bananas at the store. Do you mind picking some up?

OMG, <insert child’s name> was fussy today.

What should we have for dinner tonight?

In the midst of all of this business-like chatter, the small niceties are known to get lost. New parents are often exhausted and grumpy, so the words are more likely to be testy or blaming. Let me tell you, my husband and I have had many a day when our words were more negative than positive.

In my work with couples, and in my own marriage, I’ve found that making a concerted effort to add in positive words and phrases can make a gigantic difference in the tone and feel you are setting in your home. In fact, research by John Gottman indicates that solid, happy couples counterbalance every 1 negative interaction with 5 positive interactions. The point? You are going to be grumpy or curt at times. Just make sure that you are overpowering the negative with positive.

Here are seven phrases that I encourage couples to integrate into their daily vocabulary whenever possible:

1. Thank you

Of course you say Thank You, but do you say it enough? I encourage couples to show gratitude for all the little things, all the time.

Thank you for emptying the dishwasher.

Thank you for grabbing my favorite cheese at the store the other day.

Thank for getting up during the night with baby. That extra bit of sleep saved me.

The number one objection I hear to this phrase is: “I shouldn’t have to thank my partner for the little things that he/she should be helping me with.” I hear you on that. However, when your partner feels appreciated, and not taken for granted, they are more likely to want to do more for you. That sounds good, right?

2. I screwed up

So many couples walk around with their figurative fists up, ready to brawl. They feel so defensive and guarded that they are slow to acknowledge mistakes or take responsibility for their oversights. Here’s my advice: Own your stuff. Admit when you messed up.

I screwed up, honey. I forgot to pick up milk at the grocery store.

I totally messed up; I drove too close to the garage door and put a little scratch on the car.

I blew it. I was grumpy and rude this morning and I know I was being an ass. I’m so sorry.

This is a great habit to model for your kids and has a humanizing effect on the whole family. We all make mistakes. When we take responsibility for them and don’t cover them up with excuses or defensive words, we present a more vulnerable and non-defensive front.

3. You look gorgeous/hot/handsome/amazing…

You and your partner are way beyond the honeymoon stage. The days of staring into each other’s eyes longingly are long gone. I don’t care. Take the time to tell your mate when their hair is looking cute or you really like their outfit. You might feel like your partner already knows that you find them attractive. They don’t. Make sure you tell them and you will be helping to keep the romance alive.

4. You’re really good at…

Neither of you have a manager or a boss at home. You don’t get positive feedback on a regular basis for the activities you do outside of the office. If anything, you and your partner probably give each other constructive (or non-constructive) criticism on everything from how to cut the crusts off the sandwiches to how to put the laundry in the hamper (and not on the floor). This can leave a void of reinforcement and encouragement. Sometimes it feels like we are doing everything wrong. I recommend that you regularly comment on your partner’s strengths and let them know when they are winning at parenting and human-ing. (I know that isn’t a word, but I’m making it one.)

You’re really good at getting our baby to sleep. What is your trick?

You make the most incredible dinners. It is so nice to end my day with yummy food to look forward to.

I love the way that you redirect our (insane) toddler when he is tired and crabby. You really have a knack for this parenting thing!

I’m in awe of your ability to always keep clean pairs of socks and underwear in my dresser. You are the Laundry Monarch – I am not worthy.

5. I hear you.

It is well known that most of us humans are not the greatest listeners. We’re often quick to give solutions or rebuttals. Or we’re too distracted by our iPhone or our kids to really tune in and hear our partner. If you take a deep breath, really listen and say I hear you, you partner’s shoulders will relax and they will feel like you are on their team and you really understand them.

6. You’re right.

Have I mentioned the defensive tone that I often see permeating couples communication? Many men and woman feel continually scrutinized or criticized, so they are slow to admit when their partner is right. But let’s think about this. You chose this person to be your partner in child rearing. Knowing that you always practice excellent judgment (wink, wink), this partner of yours probably has a good point every once in awhile. You can say this is different ways:

Good point.

You’re correct.

That’s fair.

You were right.

Very true.

Yup, you make a great point there.

If you give your mate credit when they’re on the right track, the combative tone will immediately be defused, and she or he will be more likely to say, “You’re right!” to you later on.

7. Hey, I need…

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Our partners aren’t mind readers. SO… if you need something, speak up and ask for it. Let me give you some examples:

Hey hon, I could use extra help in the kitchen this week. The baby is teething and I’m about to lose it.

I need you to run by the grocery store tonight please. We’re out of milk and coffee, and I will keel over in the morning if I don’t have my caffeine.

Darling, I need to you to hug me when you get home at the end of the day and spend a few minutes talking to me before we dive into dinner and bedtime.

Which leads me to my final suggestion…

8. How was your day?

This is an obvious one. You probably feel like you say this one in your sleep.

Here’s my question: When you say it, do you stop what you are doing, look directly at your partner’s face, and actually listen to their answer? If not, I recommend you try that, and then ask follow-up questions. Debriefing and processing your day with your partner is a great way to unwind, let go of any stressors and launch into a meaningful evening with your family. It feels amazing to know that you have a teammate waiting at home who is actually interested in what you did for the last 9 hours!

____________________________

So… I’m going to end with a caveat: If you are one of those folks who apologizes for everything, even when it isn’t your fault, you might want to skip some of the above suggestions (specifically #2 and #5). OR, if you feel like you say many of the above phrases, but your partner doesn’t, you might want to skip back to #6 and ask them to incorporate more of these into your daily dialogue. Blame it on me, the Baby Proofed Parents lady. Tell them it’s the shrink’s orders!

Here’s to Sanity & Saying It,

Kirsten

No Performance Review for the New Parent

January 31, 2017 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Before I had my first baby, I had a corporate job, complete with cubicles, bureaucracy and a never-ending supply of donuts and half-finished cakes calling to me from the break room.

I didn’t grieve any of that when I left my job to go on maternity leave. Not the stray, half-eaten sweets that always seemed to find their way to my stomach. Not the cloud of policies and procedures that metaphorically hovered over my cubicle.

There was one thing that I did miss – and it surprised the heck out of me. During those early days with my baby, I found myself longing for performance evaluations and reviews.

You’re probably thinking I’m crazy right about now. Who in their right mind would miss a performance review? Who would want to be evaluated by their boss?

Let me explain.

I cherished staying home with my newborn baby. But I also found it to be rather isolating and overwhelming. The moment my little boy emerged, I felt pressured to speed-learn ALL of these new skills: how to breastfeed, how to soothe a colicky baby, how to treat a diaper rash and how to keep a household running, all in the same day.

While I was putting myself through a Baby 101 crash course, there was no one to say, “Hey, you are doing a great job!” or “You got a 8.5 out of 10 on that nipple latch. I’m giving you a bonus this month.” I went from having my every move monitored in an office setting to getting very little feedback on the job I was doing at home. That was tough.

My husband would occasionally tell me he thought I was doing great, but not nearly enough. To give the guy credit, he was figuring out all of these new jobs as well, so he was just as clueless as me.

It wasn’t just the evaluations that I missed. I also found myself yearning for the daily interaction with co-workers that provided me with a steady diet of validation and feedback. “I love that outfit on you. Where did you get it?” or “I overheard you talking to that client. Great job!” It was me and a non-verbal newborn most of the day, and the walls around me stayed pretty silent.

If you think about it, we get regularly reviewed and evaluated from the time we are a baby: Our parents coo at us and tell us we are wonderful and doing a great job. Our teachers and professors give us assignments and grades, assuring us we are on the right track. Our supervisors and bosses take over with job descriptions, trainings and scheduled feedback.

And then suddenly we become parents, and we find ourselves thinking, Um, what the hell am I doing? Am I doing it right? Am I doing anything right?

Whether you are staying home for a three-month maternity/paternity leave, or you’ve made the decision to transition to stay-at-home-parent, I have a few tips to help you feel validated and supported a long the way, in spite of not having a boss around to tell you that you’re doing great.

Join a new parent support group. Your most valuable source of support and encouragement is going to be from other new parents. They are in the trenches with you and understand that you have a lot on your plate. Join a group on social media, or better yet, seek out a neighborhood play group or a Meetup group for new parents. Create your own “board meetings” with likeable people and friends who are doing the same job that you are. (Notice I said likeable people. Spending time with negative or catty individuals will not be helpful under these circumstances.)

2. Ask your partner to give you regular feedback and reassurance. It’s ok to let your husband or wife know that you might need more praise than usual. Especially if one of your love languages is words of affirmation (like me!) I crave feedback and validation, and I ask my husband regularly for it. When you are a new parent you often feel exhausted and full of self-doubt. Ask your partner to give you kudos when appropriate: a sweet note, a little card, a verbal compliment. A little bit of positive feedback will go a long way.

3. Look for non-verbal feedback from your little ones. Around 2 months old, your little one will start to smile and interact with you a bit. This is like pure gold for a new parent. There is nothing on earth like receiving your first non-gas-induced smile. Soak up the giggles, look into your little one’s eyes, and recognize that they think you are doing a great job. Of course, there will be days when they cry for hours on end or they throw a tantrum fit for a king. Remember that these are not signs that you are doing a bad job – kids will be kids after all.

Don’t do Devil Wears Prada with yourself. Be kind!

4. Be easy on yourself. It’s true – we are all our own worst critics. With this in mind, give yourself a lot of grace. You are learning. You are growing. Things will get easier… and then hard again… and then – well, you get the picture. This will be an ongoing journey until your children fly the coop. Until then, pat yourself on the back for doing the best job you can. And as always, reach out to a counselor or a trusted individual if your self-doubt is getting the best of you. We’re here for you – there’s no need to figure all of this out on your own.

Here’s to Sanity and Being Your Own Boss,

Kirsten

Ending the Division of Labor Wars

February 12, 2016 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Everyone does it. No couple is immune. Some call it tit for tat. Others call it keeping points. It’s that thing you do when you turn to your partner and say, “Why do I always end up doing the dishes? It seems like you never help out in the kitchen.”

Then your partner defensively replies, “I just did the dishes yesterday. You never notice when I help. And besides, when is the last time you helped with the yard work?”

And it goes from there.

The arguments can be about household chores, financial contributions, parenting tasks or even initiating sex.

These arguments feel like a volleyball game in which each person is volleying complaints back and forth over the net. It can become quite competitive. Who is doing the most around the house? Who is doing the most for the family? Who is doing the most for each other?

What couples tend to forget is that they are actually on the same team. If you ask two parents what their goals are for the family, they will almost always say the same things: Health, happiness, and a well cared for home.

I have good news for you! There are ways to minimize these division of labor battles that will in turn, make you feel closer than ever to your partner.

1. Ask yourself if you are tired or grumpy. If you answer yes, consider saving your feedback for a moment when you are rested and fed. You’ll be able to approach the subject in a less confrontational manner when you are feeling calm and can “soft start” the conversation.

2. Consider whether this task is crucial to the family and the relationship OR whether it is a personal preference for you. If it is simply a personal preference, explore the idea that you might have to take on the bulk of the job yourself. Or hire someone to help you! (Example: I like a clean, uncluttered house. Am I great at keeping it this way? Not really. My husband isn’t either but honestly, clutter doesn’t bother him. I’ve learned that lecturing him about clearing clutter is useless and only gets both of us frustrated. Instead, I try to budget time to do my own clutter cleaning and every once in awhile I have a cleaning service come in to do the deeper cleaning.)

3. Propose making a schedule or an “adult chore chart.” Most us tend to assume that our partner will handle household chores exactly the way we do. But this is a false assumption. We all come from different families and backgrounds. Just because you empty the dishwasher as soon as it has finished its cycle, doesn’t mean that your partner even notices that the dishes are done. Work together to make an agreement on what tasks need to be done when, and who is going to do them. And remember that each of your “chore lists” might not look identical. One of you might hate mopping and the other one might dislike cooking. Try to create lists that play into both of you strengths and preferences.

1. Before getting defensive, ask yourself if your partner has a valid complaint. Is it true that they have been doing most of the chores around the house? Perhaps your partner has been handling the majority of parenting tasks? Resist the urge to start tallying points and firing complaints back at them. If you can, remain calm and ask your partner how you can make things feel more equitable. You might be surprised at the answer.

2. Consider your partner’s love language. If they feel most loved when you perform “acts of service”, then chipping in with chores and yard work is going to be important in your relationship. If their love language is “physical touch”, then making it a priority to initiate cuddling or sex will be essential. When you hear your partner’s complaint, try to see how it fits into their love language. Then, try to be ahead of the game by anticipating the things that make them feel loved and initiating before being asked.

3. If you don’t want to help out more with what your partner is complaining about (or you simply can’t, due to time constraints or another issue) begin gentle negotiations. I’ll give another personal example: I used to love working in the yard. These days, I simply don’t have time or energy for it. Occasionally, my husband points out that I do not set foot outside on yard workdays. He has a point. When these conversations come up, I initially agree with him. Then I try to 1) suggest small ways that I can help (like doing a little weeding), 2) gently remind him of all of the household tasks I am handling (like laundry and housecleaning) and 3) offer to help find money in our budget to pay a yard service. Since my husband actually enjoys doing yard work, he always declines this offer, and we go about our merry way.

I said it before and I’ll say it again: you are both on the same team. It is not a competition and things will never be completely even. One partner (and this might switch back and forth) will always bring in more income. One partner will always do a little more around the house. One partner might initiate sex more frequently. Accept that you are not clones of each other and then try to boost each other up instead of tearing each other down. You will feel closer and more supported as a result!

Here’s to Sanity and Chore Charts,

Kirsten

How to Validate Your Partner Like a Parking Ticket – 3 Tips for Great Listening

September 16, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Doesn’t it feel good when you walk up to the restaurant counter with a $10 parking garage slip and the hostess stamps her little stamp on it, magically making the cost of parking go down to $0?

It feels really good.

That’s exactly how it feels to be truly validated by your partner. To have your partner put down their phone, look into your eyes and listen to you with all of their senses. Your emotional load is immediately lightened and you feel empowered to move forward.

I’ll give you an example from my own relationship that happened a few weeks ago. My husband came home from work feeling frustrated. Actually, more than frustrated. Pissed off. He shared that he received some feedback from a supervisor. He felt like there was a misunderstanding. He said he was blindsided by the criticisms and felt like he was being undervalued.

Being a counselor, you would think that I would instantly jump into active listening mode. But even we counselors can skip the validating and speed ahead to problem solving and criticism. My first impulse was to say things like: Well, haven’t I given you that feedback before? OR Maybe your boss has a point. OR Omigosh, we need you to keep your job dude. Get it together!

Fortunately, my brain got it together that evening. I paused, took a breath and switched into validation mode. “I’m sorry that you had a crappy day. That completely sucks. Can I give you a hug?”

I let my husband vent and process until he had purged his frustrations, and then we gently moved into “what next?” mode: “What can you do to prevent this next time? How do you want to confront your supervisor about how this was handled?”

The tables are frequently turned. Sometimes my husband comes home in the evening and I’m up to my armpits in parenting frustration and exhaustion. When he says things like, “I’m sorry it was a rough day. I have those too. I know you are doing your best” he wins the husband-of–the-year award.

In those moments, I’m not looking for problem solving or constructive feedback. I’m looking for someone to really hear me, which leads me to the 3 Steps to Validating Your Partner:

Step 1 – Turn Off Your Engines and Tune In: The greatest threats to good listening these days are distractions. They surround us, always humming in the background – smart phones, Pandora, TV, radio, screaming kids, chores, iPads and video games. When your mate has something that she or he needs to talk about, press the pause button on everything, sit down and make eye contact. Simple as it sounds, it is often challenging to do in our over-stimulating world.

Step 2 – Listen and Reflect: Hear the words that your partner is saying. Resist the urge to start forming a response or solution. Just listen. Ask questions to gather more info: How did he respond when you said that? What did you say after that? Ugh, how did that make you feel? And then what happened? Reflect back what you are hearing. And listen some more.

Step 3 – Validate and Empathize: This is where you jump in with the warm fuzzy stuff that makes all of us feel better. That sounds hard. That really stinks. I would have felt the same way. I can imagine that was tough for you. That’s kinda effed up!! You get the picture. You’re letting your partner know that you are on their team and have their back.

Repeat 1-3 as long as you need to. Usually you will find the conversation naturally winding down and switching gears into problem solving. But don’t rush to that space. If you take your time, you’ll notice the energy in the room starting to calm and a strengthened connection between you and your partner.

As always, there’s a caveat. If you find that your significant other greets you with a load of complaints and frustrations on a daily or hourly basis, you might begin to feel like a dumping ground. Don’t hesitate to speak up if the communication tables are unbalanced and you’re always on the receiving end. This might be an opportunity to encourage your mate to connect with a counselor or even another trusted friend or family member who can share the role of sounding board.

Last note – these listening skills will also come in handy with your kids. Listen in and listen well. You’ll find your young ones opening up and talking to you more.

Want more instruction on empathy? It’s a tricky skill to figure out and Brené Brown does an incredible job of spelling it out in this animated video. Watch, learn and enjoy:

Here’s to Sanity and Parking Garages,

Kirsten

Learning Sign Language with Signing Time :: Wednesday Wisdom

September 1, 2015 By: babyproofedparents3 Comments

Meet Rachel Coleman. She is the mother of two exceptional children. Leah (18) is deaf, and Lucy (15) has cerebral palsy and spina bifida. Rachel’s desire to create a world where children can communicate regardless of their abilities (or disabilities) led her to co-create and host the DVD, public television, and Netflix series “Signing Time!” for which she received an Emmy nomination in 2008. Rachel also co-created and hosts Baby Signing Time, and Rachel & The TreeSchoolers. Rachel is a mentor and source of inspiration for countless families around the world who have children with disabilities. We are thrilled to feature her on the BPP site because our children grew up watching her teach sign-language on PBS. She is a celebrity to our children and an inspiration to us grown-ups!

BPP: On your website, you tell the story about how the “Signing Time!” television series was born. Can you share a little bit with our readers about your amazing family and how you ended up becoming America’s most beloved sign-language teacher?

RC: My daughter Leah was one-year-old when we realized she was deaf. Since she was only one, we thought it would be best to communicate using American Sign Language. Even if she could hear, we reasoned, she wouldn’t be speaking at such a young age. Turns out it was the smartest choice we made. It seemed obvious to us; she can’t hear, she can see, she has great fine motor skills. It would have felt crazy to me to start trying to teach her English, since she couldn’t hear me at all.

Her cousin, Alex Brown was born shortly after we found out Leah was deaf, so my sister began signing with Alex on day one.

Over the next three years, Leah’s language skills and ability to communicate were nothing short of astounding. At age two, she knew the alphabet in order (in ASL). She was reading written words, because some every day objects don’t have a sign, so you fingerspell them. She initiated amazing conversations about the world around her and her perspective about the world! This ability to communicate, without tantrums, tears, or upset, fostered a real respect between our child and us.

Alex and Leah

When Leah was age four, I could see that socially she was becoming more isolated. It doesn’t matter to your playmates if you are deaf at age one, two or three. Around age four they start to notice. It was at this time that I began to start thinking about a way to alleviate the fear, nervousness and worry that others had when they realized she couldn’t hear them. I started with an ASL Story Time at a local co-op preschool. These students interacted with Leah in the community. They were the kids she saw at the park. They played on her soccer team. The results surprised me. With just a few signs, the other children were no longer afraid. They were empowered and courageous!

BPP: Early on, you realized that sign language could be beneficial to all families with young children, not just your own young family of four. Can you share how parents can use signs to communicate more effectively with their young babies and toddlers?

RC: I see signing as an essential parenting tool, but only if you are interested in fewer tantrums, early and independent potty training, and having a consistent and silent behavior management tool. Are you interested in your youngster learning all of their preschool skills before they can even talk? Early literacy and learning a second language all have benefits and I built that into “Signing Time!” Are you sold yet?

Many moms already feel overwhelmed with their circumstances, living situation, finances, and especially if your child has any special needs. It really can seem like signing is a “luxury” that can only be learned by moms who have plenty of time.

I’ve heard that excuse and others, over and over again, because my child is deaf. “I would love to learn to sign, but I just don’t have the time!” That is also at the heart of “Signing Time!” I don’t waste time. Why? Because I am a busy mom too! I quickly and effectively teach you 18-25 signs in a 30-minute episode. I teach you in a way that will help you to actually remember the signs, without studying, without the additional time away from your family driving to and from a class. Your children will begin to initiate this learning experience, because it’s something you get to do together. They want to spend time with you. Signing forces you to put down your phone, turn away from the screen and look into your child’s eyes as they look into yours. Signing with your children fosters real communication in a day and age when that seems to be disappearing.

BPP: You have a background as a lead singer in a folk rock band. What was it like to transition from stage musician to TV and instructional video host?

RC: I promise, I had no idea that this was what I was going to do “when I grew up.” I quit doing music shortly after Leah was diagnosed as profoundly deaf. I just didn’t have the heart to spend time pursuing something that might be lost on her.

When my sister, Emilie Brown and I created “Signing Time!” we really thought 4-year-old, Leah and 3-year-old, Alex, would host it. That’s how we shot it. In the edit bay we realized they were terrible at modeling the signs! No one would learn anything from them. Emilie looked at me and said, “It’s you. You are the one.”

I resisted that. For years I resisted. Every time we filmed a new episode I declared, “Well, that’s it! Who could possibly want more than 3 episodes of Signing Time!” The next time around, “Well that is it! Who could possibly want more than 6 episodes of Signing Time!” We’ve been creating “Signing Time!” for 15 years now. Leah is 18 and I just took her to Rochester, New York and helped her set up her college dorm room. Alex is 17 and a senior in high school. They are still best cousins and best friends.

Alex and Leah, all grown up.

I am now completely settled with the fact that I grew up to be “Rachel Coleman, from Signing Time.” I am “Leah’s Mom.” I am also “The Signing Lady.” Some kids keep it simple and call me “Signing Time” when they see me. Just last week my niece, Mercy, said to her mom, my sister Sarah, in a hushed voice, “Mom, that’s Rachel and the TreeSchoolers!”

BPP: Signing Time has been featured for many years on PBS and Nick Jr.. What is it like to be a celebrity in the world of children’s programming? Do people recognize you when you are out and about?

RC: I am always shocked that people recognize me. I don’t go around in life expecting people to know who I am. I’m not an A-list, or B-list or even M-list celebrity.

I am a mom. I am a wife. I am a sister. I am a daughter. I am a business owner. I am a creator. I am always creating, brainstorming, fundraising, crowd-funding, tweeting, posting, sharing, fine-tuning, marketing, writing songs and writing scripts.

Sometimes it’s like drinking out of a fire hose. I used to complain about being so busy, and say things like “I wish things would finally calm down.” I realized that just isn’t true. I love traveling, performing, and writing songs. I love the families I get to meet when I am doing concerts. I schedule 2-3 hours to meet everyone after each show, and I’ve done over 200 live concerts.

If all I get is this one life, I am happy with how I’m living it. I give children a “voice.” We give families peace. Some of my Signing Time fans may never be able to say the words, “I love you!” or “thank you” with their voices. I teach them to say that, and so much more with their hands.

BPP: The creation and production of Signing Time is truly a family affair – your husband, sister, brother and father are all involved. Your daughter and nephew were major players in the early videos. Did your kids enjoy being part of the productions? Did they ever lose interest or tell you they didn’t want to be involved any more?

RC: Just last year we released Signing Time Christmas. This year we will be releasing Signing Time Sentences. These shows star Alex and Leah, as the Signing Time Series always has. Alex and Leah have always been willing to perform for Signing Time, they often make surprise appearances on stage at live Signing Time Concerts and they stay after for the meet and greet. They say, “We are the perfect amount of famous! We get to have fun and kids love us, and we still live normal lives!”

BPP: At times, your shows have been turned down by big studios for being “too educational for television.” What are your thoughts on this criticism? Your fan base seems to disagree.

RC: At first I saw that as criticism, but if you actually watch many children’s television programs, you’ll likely agree. We pack each moment with multiple concepts delivered through multiple senses. Since we don’t have the massive financial overhead that the studios have, we are able to create our shows without the concern of selling backpacks, food packaging with our characters on it, toys, bedding and the many ancillary items that help fund the huge cost of most children’s television shows. Our shows are created at a fraction of the cost and we are free to deliver plenty of content because we answer to our Signing Time Families, not to a board or to shareholders.

BPP: What are the first five signs that a parent should learn? Is there a video or episode that you recommend to a 1st time parent who has no experience with sign language?

RC: I actually created a product line called “Baby Signing Time!” to answer the needs of 1^st time parents with an interest in signing, but are coming to it with no experience. Baby Signing Time teaches you your 100 first signs and concepts in American Sign Language and in English. We cover all of that in just four episodes. That is where you start.

“Signing Time!” is really a preschool skills curriculum. You learn American Sign Language and English for over 1000 words. Each word appears multiple times on the screen, so it’s an early reader, sight word system as well. Signing Time is 26 episodes, 30-minutes each.

We cover colors, counting, alphabet, animals, family members, zoo animals, farm animals, toys, transportation, weather, days of the week, months of the year, sports, signs you need in a school day, signs you need in the morning, afternoon and evening.

I even teach your children how to correctly set the table, and to ask to be excused from the table. We teach manners, hygiene, items of clothing, cleaning up your belongings, helping out around the house, the rooms in your home and the items in those rooms.

Like I said, I’m a busy mom. I write all of the songs to encourage positive behaviors and the songs reinforce your children being kind to others and being responsible for their bodies, their rooms and their belongings.

“Signing Time!”, “Baby Singing Time!” and Rachel & The TreeSchoolers really were created by two very busy moms who are out to make things easier for other busy moms. Here are the links:

www.babysigningtime.com 4 Episodes 100 ASL Signs

www.signingtime.com 26 Episodes 1000 ASL Signs

www.treeschoolers.com 8 Episodes 20-60 signs per episode.

BPP: Along with the award winning sign-language products you mention above, you offer the Signing Time Potty Training system. How can sign language be helpful when a child is transitioning out of diapers?

RC: Your child can understand and communicate the following concepts through sign language, “potty”, “wet”, “dry”, “diaper”, and “clean”, long before they have the ability to say the actual words. A child who can recognize and label what is happening with their body can also communicate those things to you, the caregiver, before it actually happens! Communication is the bridge. Since they cannot yet speak words, the signs help have all of the pieces in place and go beyond words. We have a free app on iTunes “Potty Time” and it is very effective at encouraging, and then reinforcing potty training in a positive way.

BPP: You offer an instruction training and certification program for individuals who want to offer sign language courses in their own communities. What has the response been to this program and how can parents find an instructor in their area?

RC: Visit www.signingtime.com/academy to become a Signing Time Academy Instructor, or to find an Instructor and find classes near you. Many of our Signing Time families find themselves telling everyone around them about Signing Time. We offer a way for you to share Signing Time with your community by teaching Signing Time Classes and selling Signing Time Products. It’s an amazing group of people who really care about supporting each other and making a difference in their communities.

BPP: Your daughters (all three of them!) have grown up to be beautiful, independent, intelligent young women. Do you have any words of wisdom or advice for parents who are raising children born with a disability? Or any advice for new parents in general?

RC: It’s going to be okay. Really! Breathe, play, relax, and enjoy your children. It’s going to be okay.

Rachel Coleman is TRULY a busy lady. We are so appreciative that she took the time to connect with us on the blog and share just a bit of her ample wisdom and positive energy. Thank you Rachel! We look forward to seeing you singing, signing and teaching ASL for many years to come. – Kirsten ♥

Follow Rachel on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/signingtimerachel

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And be sure to check out all of Rachel’s amazing shows, programs and products at: http://www.signingtime.com/

The Good & The Bad of Opposites Attracting :: Tuesday Tip

May 19, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Ever wonder how you can be drawn so strongly to a person at the beginning of a relationship and then feel perpetually annoyed with them later on? It has to do with that age-old relationship paradigm: Opposites attract. This cliché happens to hold a lot of truth. Just like magnets, humans are pulled to each other by opposing poles or traits. Later in the partnership, it’s as though those same magnets are flipped on their ends and suddenly repelling away from each other. We’ll give you some tips on dealing with those inevitable challenges, but first, let’s discuss:

The 4 Reasons Why Opposites Attract

1. We tend to be attracted to individuals who have strengths or traits that we don’t have. Yes, you probably share common values, interests and tastes with the person you are drawn to. But when it comes to personality characteristics, you will often be on the opposite side of the spectrum from your mate.

2. It is the unconscious mind’s way of filling in personal gaps and deficits. For instance, if you tend to be more shy and introverted, you might be attracted to someone who is gregarious and outgoing. If you consider yourself to be a neat freak, don’t be surprised if you are drawn to someone who loves clutter. If we look at it in survival of the fittest terms, a couple who has strengths in all areas will do better in the long run than a couple who’s strengths are unilateral.

3. In terms of sexual chemistry and attraction, we are more triggered by someone who challenges us and brings out suppressed personality traits that we don’t possess. If you matched up with someone who was exactly like you, there wouldn’t be any zing or fire in your relationship. True story. The differences in a relationship create tension, and tension creates excitement.

4. At the risk of sounding too Freudian, we tend to be attracted to people who remind us of the good and bad of our parents or other close family members. It might be nature’s way of giving us another chance to work through our childhood conflicts and struggles. Not very nice of nature, eh? But a great opportunity for growth.

So what happens after the honeymoon period is over and the “being on your best behavior” phase is long gone? Many couples find themselves feeling continually irked with each other. I often hear in my counseling practice, “Why can’t my husband make decisions the way I do?” or “Why in the world does my girlfriend approach things that way?” or “Why does everything have to be a struggle?”

We hear your pain. Here are:

4 Tips for Rediscovering The Magnetism In Your Relationship

1. Remember why you were attracted to your partner in the first place. Consider making a list of the things you were drawn to in your mate. Example: My husband has a garage full of sports equipment, wood working tools and other remnants of hobbies and collections. All of these items and activities require money and time. When I begin to feel annoyed with the clutter or the financial costs, I have to remind myself of what attracted me to my husband in the first place: he was adventurous, interested in many things, curious and knowledgeable about a lot of subjects. When I remind myself of these traits, I feel more tolerant of the clutter and admiring of his continued passion for life.

2. Appreciate the strengths your partner has that you don’t have. Example: One of my clients, we’ll call her Sue, hates how her husband takes the kids on all-day adventures and brings them home past their bedtime, covered in dirt and bug bites. When she pauses, she remembers that she fell in love with her husband’s adventurous spirit and carefree attitude. Sue notices that her kids are smiling and that they are probably benefiting from her husband’s different parenting style.

3. Ask yourself if you have something to learn or gain from your partner’s opposing traits. Example: Another client of mine, we’ll call him Alan, get’s extremely frustrated with his wife’s insistence on keeping their house immaculately clean. He said that he feels like he is living in a hotel — it doesn’t feel like a home to him. When he explores his feelings more, he acknowledges that he has a history of being a slob and that his wife’s cleanliness has helped him to be more neat and organized in his own life.

4. Make small requests of each other when you feel like you are on opposing teams. Just because you appreciate your partners differing strengths doesn’t mean that you can’t communicate your unmet needs or concerns. When the timing is right, use the soft start approach, and give your partner gentle requests. These requests just might help your mate to inch a little bit out of their comfort zone and experience personal grow as a result. Here are some examples based on the scenarios above:

Kirsten (to husband): I love how you are interested in SO many things. Would you like me to buy some storage bins so we can organize the garage this weekend and you can have easier access to all of your crap? (Oops! That was a little passive aggressive. Let’s try again.) Easier access to all of your gear?

Sue (to husband): I know that you and the kids will have an amazing time on the greenbelt today. Do you mind getting them home before bedtime tonight so we can be fresh for the soccer game tomorrow?

Alan (to wife): Wow, the house looks great. How about if we take the day off from cleaning today and just relax with the dishes and laundry? I’ll help you catch up tomorrow.

Here’s the kicker. Don’t be surprised if one or more of your kids also has opposing traits to you. That child might challenge you just as much as your partner, but if you use the suggestions above, both you and your little one will flourish.

Here’s to Sanity & Magnets,

Kirsten

Tone it Down – How to Speak Softer and Get Heard :: Tuesday Tip

March 3, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Your baby is fussy, house a wreck, and you’re sitting there, stewing in anger and frustration. By the time your partner walks through the front door, your emotions have reached a fever pitch, and before you know it, word vomit is everywhere. “What were you doing today?! Didn’t you get my TEXTS and voiceMAILS?!” She looks at you, stunned, and either word vomits back, or shuts down completely. Both of you feel terrible. It’s the same with kids. Trying to get them to make different choices by yelling at them never works. They reflexively clam up, retreat, lie or yell back. We never quite grow out of those responses to being “in trouble.”

In his stellar, research-based book The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman identifies several unhealthy communication habits that destroy relationships. This one? “The Harsh Start-Up.” Kirsten’s 5 suggestions on what to give your partner when you’re feeling annoyed made me think hard about this specific communication error, which can shut a conversation down before it even starts. So how do you avoid a harsh start-up when you’re really upset?

Purge it. Find ways to let out some of the intense feelings before you try to talk to your partner about your needs, through things like journaling, a spurt of vigorous exercise, or screaming into your pillow. When you’re feeling flooded emotionally, it’s often impossible to identify what would help you feel better or communicate respectfully.
Process it. Talking to another parent or trusted friend outside of your intimate relationship can help you sort through the emotions, discern what might be your own issues to work on, and what you should bring to the table with your partner.
Present it. Try keeping your voice calm. Avoid criticism, blaming and lecturing. Explain how you feel, and ask for what you need in a measurable way. “I felt overwhelmed today, and when you didn’t respond to my messages, I also felt alone. Will you please check your phone at lunchtime, and respond with a short text, letting me know you heard me?” Anger is normal, healthy, and often justifiable, but if you want positive, lasting change, delivery is critical.

Here’s to Sanity and Being Heard,

Cheryl

5 Things for New Moms to Give Their Partners :: Tuesday Tip

February 10, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Note from the author: These tips are not just applicable to husbands and wives, they are relevant to any parenting partnership!

Many of my new mom counseling clients tell me that they feel like they’ve developed multiple personalities after giving birth. A few weeks into their parenting adventure, they eagerly wait by the door for their husbands to come home from work. And when he finally gets there, they feel completely annoyed — and eagerly wait for him to leave again.

I understand what they’re talking about. I experienced my own mixed feelings regarding my hubby when I became a new mother. There were moments when I felt like I couldn’t have found a sweeter, more intuitive man to co-parent my children with. “I won the parenting jackpot,” I told my friends, “He is so sweet to our baby and does SO much to help me.” Other times I felt like my man was put on this Earth, and specifically in my life, to aggravate me and let me down. He didn’t know what I needed, he didn’t know the right things to say, he just didn’t…

Before reaching the point of wanting to kick your husband out, here are 5 things to try giving him:

Give him the scoop: Fill your husband in on what you are experiencing as a new mother. Your hormones are all over the place. You don’t know what a full-night’s sleep is any more. Your body just went through a gigantic ordeal and your life has changed dramatically. If you worked prior to having a baby, you are now adjusting to being home alone all day with a little crying creature who doesn’t speak the same language as you. This is a huge adjustment and your husband will be better able to support you if he knows what an enormous transition your body and mind are going through. Keep him informed so he understands that this isn’t a walk in the park for you and that you need as much help as possible.

Give him patience: Remember that you are not the only one trying to figure out how to do this parenting thing. Your husband is also new to the role of Dad, and he might need time to learn how to best support you and baby. If he spends a lot of time on the road or at the office, he may need occasional tutorials or updates on how to bounce baby when he’s fussy, or how to feed baby solids without them being spit up all over the floor. Be easy on your man – the two of you will figure out your new jobs together, in time.

Give him a piece of your mind: OK, listen to me closely here. This may seem like common sense, but it actually isn’t for most of us. Your husband cannot read your mind. He doesn’t know that you wanted him to pick up dinner from the Thai restaurant on the corner because you’ve been pacing the kitchen all afternoon with a fussy baby. He doesn’t realize that you haven’t had a shower in three days and that the grease in your hair is not part of a new slicked-back hair style you are going for. He might not understand that you have reached your last straw and that you are seriously about to lose it. As we always tell our young kids, use your words and tell your husband what you need and want. Sometimes it might be as simple as saying, “I need you to give me a big hug and tell me everything is going to be OK.” Or it might be as big as stating, “I am really struggling today and about to lose it. I need you to step in with the baby and give me a Target break so I can blow off some steam in the pretty pillow and vase aisle.”

Give him your time: One of the things that suffers the most when you have a new baby in the house is time together as a couple. With this lack of couple time, intimacy and lovey-dovey feelings can take a dive. When you can, and IF you can, make time for little dates with each other. It might look like sitting on the couch with a dark beer (to increase your breast milk of course!) and watching the latest Netflix download. Or… if you can snag a babysitter, get OUT of the house with your partner, even if it is for an hour or two. Connecting with each other as a couple, and not as two parents passing each other in the middle of the night, can bring you closer together and reignite that spark that you felt pre-baby.

Give him hell: IF you are giving your husband all of these things and he still isn’t stepping up to the plate, share your feelings of frustration with him. Use classic “I statements” to get your point across. “I feel like I am doing everything by myself around here and getting no support.” “I wait eagerly for you to come home and then I feel like you aren’t tuning in to the baby and me.” “I am really struggling. I could use more help.” You get the picture – you can be assertive and direct and still keep your cool. Then go back to #3 and be specific about your needs and wants.

You may be reading this and thinking, None of this describes my husband. He is the best co-parent in the world! If that is the case, great! But if you are feeling the annoyances that many new mothers experience, refrain from beating yourself up and give these suggestions a try. You might find yourself falling in love all over again with that man whom you call your husband.

Here’s to Sanity and Netflix,

Kirsten

How Couples Counseling Can Strengthen Your Relationship

December 4, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

One of our beliefs at Baby Proofed Parents is that a strong relationship makes a strong parent. We encourage couples to take an inventory of their partnership when expecting a child, and identify any communication difficulties or sources of conflict that could use some attention. If they have concerns, we urge them to seek out counseling because bringing a baby into the world tends to amplify marital issues rather than quell them.

That is when we hear the excuses: It costs too much. It won’t help. It takes too much time. It will be too hard.

Our friend and colleague, Louis Laves-Webb, LCSW, LPC put together a super informative graphic that dispels the common myths about couples counseling. If you have major concerns about your relationship, pre- or post-baby, this chart explains all of the ways that therapy might benefit you and your partnership:

Thanks for sharing this with us Louis! Feel free to connect with Louis or our professional counseling services if you have questions or want to move forward with scheduling couples therapy. ♥

3 Ways to Get Calm and Fight Fair :: Tuesday Tip

November 18, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Fiery conflict with your partner can easily reduce you to your worst self. This makes no sense and complete sense. You love this person, so why do you hate/fear/distrust them sometimes? Because you love this person. You’ve likely risked everything, and they’ve seen you naked, in every sense of the word. If you’re expecting, the risks can feel exponentially more intense. You are at your most vulnerable, and unfortunately at times, at your most savagely self-protective. This is the best time to use your fire escape plan, creating physical distance between you and your partner, so you both can calm down and hopefully reengage from a rational place to resolve your issues.

But once you have the space, how exactly do you calm down? Here are three ways to get your perspective back in a hurry:

1. Create a list of at least three memories about your partner that make you feel safe and connected. It’s best to do this when you’re NOT in conflict, so you can pull it up mentally during rocky moments. Maybe it was a special date, or the way she was there for you when things were rough at work, or the way he locked eyes with you during your first ultrasound. Update and add new positive moments to your list as they occur.

2. Separate the past from the present. Is something about this fight familiar? Did the issue remind you of a past relationship in which you were hurt, or something from your childhood? Maybe you felt your partner was ignoring your needs, and it reminded you of feeling neglected when you were little. Pull back to the present, and consider the possibility that your partner was NOT ignoring you, but was distracted and flooded with his own defensiveness and emotions. Avoid holding your partner accountable for things she hasn’t actually done.

3. Remind yourself of your own strength and resourcefulness. Doing so can keep you grounded during conflict, instead of being completely swept away by emotion and incapable of logical discussion (to solve anything, you have to have both feelings and practicality in tact). It helps to have a mental image or memory that encapsulates your strength. My go-to strength memory is the birth of my second child. I knew mentally and physically what to expect, and felt present from the first contraction to the final push. When I feel scared or out of control, I pull that memory up and think, “I did that, so I can do this.”

My favorite Ben Harper lyric: “When you have everything, you have everything to lose.” Worth a fiery fight sometimes, and worth the necessary work to convey passion and respect.

Here’s to Sanity and Savagery,

Cheryl

Speak My Language :: Tuesday Tip

August 12, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

“I feel taken for granted, unappreciated.”

“I don’t feel close to my partner any more.”

“It seems like we’re bickering roommates… there’s no affection.”

These are some of the more common complaints that I hear from couples during their first counseling session. They’re not feeling the love and they’re looking for tools to bridge the gap. My usual response? “You guys are normal. Staying close and lovey-dovey as a couple is challenging, especially after introducing kids into the picture. Let’s dive in and talk about ideas for reconnecting.”

Invariably, our discussion leads us to the classic relationship guide, The Five Love Languages. As Dr. Gary Chapman explains in his decades-old book, most individuals have specific preferences when it comes to expressing and receiving love and affection. These preferences fall into five separate categories:

Words of Affirmation – Examples: Compliments, praise, acknowledgement, sweet messages written in a card or on a sticky note, nomination for “Parent of the Year” Award.

Acts of Service – Examples: Chores, home repairs, errands, shaving the hair on your partner’s back, anything on the To-Do List.

Receiving Gifts – Examples: As simple as a flower handpicked from the garden or as luxurious as a new BMW sitting in the driveway. (The latter being a tad over the top, but hey, it doesn’t hurt to plant a seed!)

Quality Time – Examples: Watching a favorite TV show together, chatting over coffee, going out on a date, talking on the phone, spending the day together running errands or wandering aimlessly at IKEA.

Physical Touch – Examples: Hugs & kisses, back rubs, casual touches, cuddling, gettin’ busy.

If you know your preferred love languages and those of your partner, you can request and express affection and appreciation in a way that feels like a fit. The tricky thing? Often the way that your partner prefers to show love is not necessarily what makes you feel warm and fuzzy, and vice versa. At times, couples feel like they need a translator to understand each other’s behavior.

Mind if I give you some examples from my own relationship? (I apologize in advance for any TMI.) My husband grew up in a home with two working parents and a much older brother. He remembers feeling lonely and bored as a young child. As an adult, he feels the most loved and connected when he gets Quality Time or Physical Touch. If he wants to express affection, he will offer a hug, suggest we head to the bedroom or ask me to watch a movie with him on the couch.

I, on the other hand, grew up as an over-achieving first-born in a crowded, chaotic house. I have two little boys hanging all over me on most days. Instead of Quality Time or Touch, I yearn for Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. Tell me that I am a good mom or paint that bedroom wall I’ve been whining about and I am putty in your hands.

Here’s the rub: If I only make pots of coffee for my husband and never initiate a kiss or a date night, I’m not operating with his lingo. If he only squeezes my butt, but neglects to give me verbal or written compliments, he is not communicating in my dialect. The trick to truly connecting with our partner is offering them affection and appreciation in a way that feels the most impactful to them. All five of the love languages feel loving, but tuning in to each other’s preferences will help you to feel more connected than ever.

If you haven’t already, I encourage you to take The Love Language Quiz with your partner and discuss the results. (Select the PDF version if you are short for time.) If you want more on the subject, pick up the book – it’s a great read for couples who want to strengthen their relationship. And then make an effort to speak your partner’s language on a regular basis. Life will feel more loving when you are both on the same page.

Here’s to sanity and butt squeezes,

Kirsten

Cut The Crap – Purging 3 Ineffective Communication Strategies :: Tuesday Tip

June 3, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Our brains can feel quite cluttered. Purging the things that are no longer useful opens space for new ideas, approaches and behaviors. Consider healthy eating plans. Many of them start by omitting things like sugar, processed foods and caffeine (which makes me so, so sad). After detoxing, you start to feel better, have more energy, and can build by adding more greens, lean protein and whole foods.

The same principle works in relationships. I’ve worked with a lot of clients on breaking old patterns and being more intentional when dating. When I ask, “What qualities are you looking for?” many people draw a complete blank. So, I redirect with, “What do you want to avoid?” This primes the pump. “No commitment issues. No drug use. No habit of softly whistling show tunes while I’m talking to him.” (That last one was personal.) Sometimes getting to what we do want requires strong clarity about what we don’t want, and moving it out of our way.

Therapists are always preaching about improving communication with our partners. We all want to be more in sync, but managing conflict and getting our meaning across can feel impossible, especially amidst the added craziness of raising kids. Before tackling the arts of “I” Statements and Active Listening, open up some space by purging these three communication habits.

1. Transactional Statements. Instead of asking for what you want with clear language, transactional statements or questions are attempts to Jedi your partner into doing your bidding. You throw out a complaint or vague query, then wait for him to connect the dots, intuit your want and leap into action. This habit stems from self-esteem issues. Deep down, we question our right to even have preferences and needs, let alone express them. This drives our use of elaborate, sneaky ways for getting our needs met, which usually backfire.

Instead of this: “It’s soooo hot in here. Aren’t you hot?!”
Try this: “I’m burning up, and have my hands full with the baby. Will you please lower the temperature?”

2. Globalizing. Any negative feedback you give your partner starting with “you always,” or “you never,” is destined to bounce off a wall of defensiveness and come back to smack you in the face. Making generalizations about another person is a terrible motivator for change. This habit stems from high stress levels, which can distort your perception of the frequency/lack of the behavior. Globalizing causes her to feel invalidated, vilified and guarded.

Instead of this: “You never appreciate what I do for you. You always focus on what I’ve done wrong.”
Try this: “When you forget to say ‘thank you,’ I feel unappreciated. I love it when you compliment and tell me you value what I do.”

3. Baby Talk. Using goo-goo/gah-gah or feigned foreign accents is another strategy for fishing to get your needs met while keeping your true desires covert. Because, if you’re denied, hey, it wasn’t really you who asked anyway, it was that faux-British, adult-sized infant. No harm no foul! This habit stems from a fear of rejection, and is most commonly used when initiating sex, which can feel like one of the riskiest wants to communicate.

Instead of this: “Will you pwease wub my backy-back?”
Try this: “I want you to administer your technique. Right. Now.” That’s more of a command. But maybe that’s just fine.
Try this again: “Will you please give me one of your amazing back rubs?”

Do these tips seem impossible to implement? Are you and your partner caught in a Transactionally Globalized Baby-Talking Labyrinth from which you can see no escape? This could mean there’s some deeper emotional work to do. Reach out for help if you need to – the payoff for stronger, clearer communication is so worth it.

Here’s to Sanity and Brits,

Cheryl

Make it Clear – 3 Reasons Why Moms Won’t Tell You What They Need :: Tuesday Tip

May 6, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Have you ever whisper-screamed? If you’re thinking hard, you probably haven’t. Operating definition – the sound resulting from two opposing forces: the need to scream combined with the need to stifle. You are freaking out, but don’t want your neighbors to think you’re being murdered, don’t want to wake the baby, or know deep down that the situation doesn’t really warrant a full-blown scream.

I personally discovered this skill years ago, when a huge tree roach flew into my apartment. If you haven’t seen a tree roach, have a look at this sucker and prepare for about a week of nightmares:

I’m generally not afraid of bugs or spiders, but roaches are the sentient, evil exception. It was running in confused circles at warp speed on the floor. I froze. There were no options. I couldn’t use my normal bug tactic, holding it loosely in a tissue and gently setting it outside, because if I got too close, it would run up my body, into my gaping, horrified mouth and down my throat. And I couldn’t step on it, because it had a completely formed skeleton, organs and intestines, and would make my living room look like a crime scene. So, I did the only thing I could. I slowly backed away and whisper-screamed, “loud”, three times.

I busted the whisper-scream again when my daughter was a few weeks old. Breastfeeding was a difficult process for me. Once I got into a good position, I had a habit of clenching myself, remaining as still as possible to avoid jinxing the flow. A few minutes into this particular late night session, I realized I’d forgotten two essential things: a big glass of water and my book. Her dad, J, was asleep in the next room. I tried to reason with myself. Surely I could get through the next 30-45 minutes without these small comforts…but my need for them only intensified. I spotted the baby monitor and decided it was worth waking him.

I started by softly calling his name. No response. I leaned as far as I could toward the monitor. “J!” Nothing. As slowly and carefully as possible, I lifted the nursing pillow and my baby girl, intently keeping both in locked position, and inched toward the monitor until my face was pressed against it. Full on whisper-scream: “JAAAYYYYYY!!!” Silence. I shambled into our bedroom, mid-air breastfeeding on the way. I woke him up, indignant, and we argued about how it was possible for him to sleep through all of that whisper-screaming??

I was being ludicrous. Why didn’t I just stop feeding her for one minute, be okay with the risk of her crying in protest, wake him up gently and in person, and ask him to help me? Or, just take care of myself?

Why not cut the whisper and just scream? Or better yet, calmly and clearly ask for what you need?

Here are three reasons blocking many of us from making our needs and wants crystal clear, often resulting in our partners feeling set up to fail:

We don’t know what our needs are. During the first few months of a baby’s life, sleep is erratic, if happening at all (did you know that sleep deprivation/interruption is a torture tactic used by terrorists?), and there’s a constant focus on keeping up with this sweet, helpless being’s needs. This is often at the detriment of our ability to tune inward and assess what would feel good or helpful. By the time one round of breastfeeding, diaper changing, playing and napping has completed, it’s time to start the whole process over again. Ask an exhausted new mom in the throws, “Hey, what can I get you? A snack? Lip balm?” and you might be met with a blank stare, and this answer: “Hmmmm. A lobotomy?”
We want you to read our minds. The femininity training many of us receive ingrains our preoccupation with the big picture, which is dominated by other people’s needs: who’s hungry, sad, bored, needs a drink refill, and how can we personally assist? When we have babies, this big picture skill intensifies to a sometimes scary degree. We long for our partners to have this skill too. We want you to walk into our shared space, survey the scene and intuit our needs, which to us, are obvious. See the dishes and laundry and spit up and hear the baby and the toddler crying and look at us and know that we need a hug, need you to scoop the kids up and away from us, put that load into the dryer, and make us an Old Fashioned. If you don’t ask, “How can I help?” we feel invisible. Even though that feeling is not your fault, nor is it based in any sort of rational logic, it’s there, deep down, and it’s terrible.
We’re afraid the answer will be “no,” or worse, no response. What if we identify our needs, clearly communicate them, and our partners can’t or won’t respond? What then? Maybe it means having to take a deeper look at the relationship, and either coming to terms with our partner’s limitations, or not coming to terms and pushing for change. Acknowledging and communicating your needs clearly means you have to be ready to face your partner’s answer, which can be a scary prospect.

The not easy or fun but incredibly empowering solution? Start by internally identifying what you need and want, without trying to justify or talk yourself out of it. Then, using effective communication, spell it out to your partner, and ask him or her to respond in a specific, behaviorally quantifiable way. Say it, email it, text it, or haiku it. Wait for a response, and no matter what you hear (even if it’s silence), know that you did everything you could by communicating clearly. Don’t be a whisper-screamer. And comfort yourself in the knowledge that you are bigger than the tree roach. At least by a little.

Here’s To Sanity and Clarity,

Cheryl

All Hands On Deck :: Tuesday Tip

April 22, 2014 By: babyproofedparents3 Comments

Safety Czar in Action

Shhh… don’t tell him I said this, but in many ways, my husband is a better parent than me. (Did I really just admit that? Oh, yes I did.) When it comes to consistency and common sense, Todd is unflappable. In our home, we not-so-affectionately refer to him as “The Safety Czar” for his uncanny ability to detect all hazardous activities (indoor frisbee and stair sledding, to name a few) and sternly put a halt to them. When the man says, ‘NO’, he means it. And whenever we need to make a big transition involving the kids, such as switching bedrooms or sleep training, Todd is sent in to present a strong, unwavering front.

In spite of these parenting strengths, I discovered soon after the birth of our first child that there is one task my husband is NOT good at: coping with interrupted sleep. The times he took the night shift with our fussy, gassy infant were the times he woke up grumpy as a toddler on a long road trip. I quickly figured out that if I stayed up and soothed our little baby, my hubby would greet me with a smile, a good mood and a fresh pot of coffee in the morning… and my whole day would go a heck of a lot better.

Kinder, gentler parent.

While we’re on the subject of my parenting strengths (Ahem), I will argue that I’m a kinder, gentler kind of parent. I get down on my kids’ level and try to figure out the interesting logic working itself out in their little brains. I have a checklist, calendar, and figurative social-media feed running in my head at all times. And I somehow have the magic ability to predict the future because I always know how many changes of clothes and snacks to throw in the diaper bag, and how many meltdowns to prepare for. (I know many of you have this magic ability as well.)

You would think that with all of these opposing strengths, my husband and I would make a dynamite parenting team. But there have been MANY times in our marriage and our parenting journey that we have found ourselves at odds with each other. While one of us is focused on safety or doing things correctly, the other is focused on having a good time or being sweet. At times, we have accused each other of not pulling enough weight. I’ll be honest; these differing perspectives have made for some big ol’ disagreements.

Cheryl to the rescue. She calmly helped me put our parenting woes into perspective one day. “Kirsten,” she said, “You’re kind of like a Cruise Director. You’re focused on everyone having a good time and being well-fed and well-rested. Todd’s the Captain of the Ship. He is more interested in keeping everyone afloat and getting them to the port safely. Both of you want the cruise to be successful, but you are just focused on different aspects of the journey.”

By golly, she was right. Cheryl has said a lot of wise things, but this particular analogy won the “ah-ha moment” prize.

Working in Unison: Cruise Director and Captain

Working in Unison Aboard the Love Boat

When Todd and I began to see ourselves as being assigned to different roles on the same boat, it helped us to divvy up tasks accordingly and resent each other less.

Yes, it is crucial for you and your parenting partner to back each other up, to parent in a consistent manner, and to both chip in with child-rearing and household duties. But it is also OK and beneficial for each of you to utilize your individual strengths and balance each other out. Your kids don’t need you to be clones of each other – they can learn from your varied approaches and benefit from your unique styles. Maybe you feel most comfortable as the ship chef, the entertainment director or the housekeeping expert. Figure out what you and your partner do best and then give each other room to be the finest parents you can be. Smoother sailing and calm childhood seas will be the end result. And you might just deliver your kids to the port of adulthood in one, well-rounded piece.

BPP Sanity Savers:

Keep in mind that you and your parenting partner are working toward the same end goal of raising healthy, happy kids. Identify what each of you do best, split up jobs accordingly and be open to feedback or concerns when your partner wants to re-evaluate how things are being handled.
Regularly praise your partner for their strengths (especially if they are different from yours), learn from what they do well and present a united front to your kids.
If you are a single parent, introduce other trusted adults into your family that have unique strengths and perspectives that your kids can benefit from.

Here’s to strength, sanity and smooth sailing,

Kirsten

The real captain, cruise director and 1st mate.

The real cruise director, captain and 1st mate.

Parenting as an Adoptive, Single Dad :: Wednesday Wisdom

April 16, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Kyler & Terry

Meet Terry Cox… amazing dad to one of the coolest kids we know. We’re excited to feature Terry because he brings two perspectives to our Wisdom table: that of an adoptive parent and a single dad. Terry describes himself as a South Austinite, trying to stay young in mind and body. Terry worked as a licensed counselor for several years before transitioning into a business development role that he has grown into for the last 10+ years. His hobbies include cycling, surfing, and staying active enough to eat Mexican food whenever he wants. His top priorities in life are his faith, his son, his health, and his close friends and family. Terry and, his son, Kyler, just radiate joy when they’re together – and it’s infectious.

BPP: Please tell us briefly about what led you to decide to adopt, and how you chose the agency?

TC: My now ex-wife and I both shared a desire to adopt a child even prior to our marriage. She has a bi-racial daughter who played into our decision to have a “multi-color” non-traditional family. We looked at both adoption and fostering, and it really became a no-brainer for us to go the foster to adoption route. There is a huge need in our community in the foster system, plus it didn’t make sense monetarily, logistically, or for other reason for us to go the international adoption route. We chose a foster agency that provided information and training, and off we were.

BPP: As a father to be – how did you emotionally/mentally prepare for your son’s arrival? What if any of those preparations felt unique to his being adopted?

TC: Things happened very fast for us. Just a month after completing foster training, we got a call about Kyler (my son). The agency gave us specifics about him and his biological parents, and told us we had 48 hours to make a decision (he was about to be discharged from the hospital at 4 weeks old). After much discussion with each other and family, and prayer, we decided that he was our boy. It’s a pretty surreal experience. One day you are on a business trip, the next day there is a knock on your door from two women holding your new baby. It’s like the stork showed up. From a preparation standpoint, we had nothing set up, not even a nursery. Just open arms and hearts to welcome this amazing little baby. In our experience, it seemed all the prep work that people feel they need is sometimes manufactured and causes more stress than good.

Emotionally, we just began the process right there, raising our son. This was a wild ride, but I dove in head first and loved watching my son begin to bond with us. Unique to adoption, for me, is this overwhelming feeling that I chose this specific boy. There was a need, and we filled the void, and in turn he filled us. It’s a great emotional experience. It has strengthened my faith in many ways.

BPP: How did you feel and respond (both positive/difficult aspects) as you watched your new baby form the huge bond with his mom?

TC: I loved watching him bond with his mom, his sister and his extended family. As parents, we developed the safe and secure world that our son would thrive in. One thing I’m proud of is that even though our marriage didn’t last, we created a very nurturing and thriving environment for Kyler that continues today.

BPP: How did you and your baby’s mom try to support each other through the transition of adoption, and then welcoming a new baby?

TC: We were a team for the most part. We shared night and day duties and were both active in all aspects of raising our baby. With that said, things got stressful with new routines, habits, etc. Looking back, I realize how we just took things as they came and adjusted to the moment. Our extended family was very supportive as well.

BPP: What advice can you give new moms on how to best include and support their partners during this insane new parent transition?

TC: Make your partners a part of the process. I’m sure that looks different for each person, but communicate and encourage your partner to participate in all aspects. I think men can be passive and on the sideline, and my in opinion, nothing good comes from that approach. Be active and engaged. Moms… push your partners to engage.

BPP: When you went through your divorce, what steps did you take to keep yourself sane and strong as a parent?

TC: Family, family, family. My sister lives nearby and provided much emotional and logistical support. I also re-invested in key friendships and in activities that re-fueled me like exercise. After our divorce, my son was a little over a year old and was with me 50% of the time. I was still very active in raising him, and had to learn to co-parent with my ex. Some may think that raising a son caused more stress for me through the divorce, but playing the role of father is what kept me sane. I realized that being a dad was the biggest return for me. It kept me focused.

BPP: What are some of the biggest challenges you’ve faced in co-parenting with your ex? How have you tried to address the challenges?

I think the biggest challenge is watching your tongue and not lashing out at your ex, even if it feels warranted. A challenge for our situation is remaining calm with each other when one of us is stressed or irritable. Another challenge is having to navigate logistics with holidays, work requirements, birthdays, etc. The better two people can extend grace to each other and recognize that they are really on the same team, the better things can go. Patience and taking a one-down approach, even when it’s not easy, always pays off in the end.

BPP: What advice would you offer new parents who end up divorcing while their children are young?

TC: Swallow your pride and remember, you have a child together, and your number one priority is to raise him or her to be healthy. If your feelings get hurt, get over it…it’s never as big a deal as it seems. If you’re angry, pause, and then pause again. Never talk about a heated topic like visitation or money when you’re angry. As much as you can, learn to celebrate key things for your child (birthdays, sporting events, church, milestones, etc.) together. Don’t put your child in the middle of having to plan two things to placate his feuding parents.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?

TC: Don’t compare yourself to others…everyone is different…be genuine and real. Whoops, that may be more than one.

Thank you Terry, for sharing your story with us. We are grateful for awesome dads like you. – C & K ♥