conflict | baby proofed parents

8 Things to Say to Your Partner That Will Make You a Happier Couple

August 23, 2017 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

We say a massive amount of words every day – on average 15,000. Many of those words are the same ones we said the day before, and the day before that. When you’re co-parenting, your communication with your partner becomes even more repetitive and business-like. Why? Because you are running a baby-raising, household-managing, food-serving business together.

Who’s handling bath tonight?

Please turn on the baby monitor when you go upstairs.

I forgot to grab bananas at the store. Do you mind picking some up?

OMG, <insert child’s name> was fussy today.

What should we have for dinner tonight?

In the midst of all of this business-like chatter, the small niceties are known to get lost. New parents are often exhausted and grumpy, so the words are more likely to be testy or blaming. Let me tell you, my husband and I have had many a day when our words were more negative than positive.

In my work with couples, and in my own marriage, I’ve found that making a concerted effort to add in positive words and phrases can make a gigantic difference in the tone and feel you are setting in your home. In fact, research by John Gottman indicates that solid, happy couples counterbalance every 1 negative interaction with 5 positive interactions. The point? You are going to be grumpy or curt at times. Just make sure that you are overpowering the negative with positive.

Here are seven phrases that I encourage couples to integrate into their daily vocabulary whenever possible:

1. Thank you

Of course you say Thank You, but do you say it enough? I encourage couples to show gratitude for all the little things, all the time.

Thank you for emptying the dishwasher.

Thank you for grabbing my favorite cheese at the store the other day.

Thank for getting up during the night with baby. That extra bit of sleep saved me.

The number one objection I hear to this phrase is: “I shouldn’t have to thank my partner for the little things that he/she should be helping me with.” I hear you on that. However, when your partner feels appreciated, and not taken for granted, they are more likely to want to do more for you. That sounds good, right?

2. I screwed up

So many couples walk around with their figurative fists up, ready to brawl. They feel so defensive and guarded that they are slow to acknowledge mistakes or take responsibility for their oversights. Here’s my advice: Own your stuff. Admit when you messed up.

I screwed up, honey. I forgot to pick up milk at the grocery store.

I totally messed up; I drove too close to the garage door and put a little scratch on the car.

I blew it. I was grumpy and rude this morning and I know I was being an ass. I’m so sorry.

This is a great habit to model for your kids and has a humanizing effect on the whole family. We all make mistakes. When we take responsibility for them and don’t cover them up with excuses or defensive words, we present a more vulnerable and non-defensive front.

3. You look gorgeous/hot/handsome/amazing…

You and your partner are way beyond the honeymoon stage. The days of staring into each other’s eyes longingly are long gone. I don’t care. Take the time to tell your mate when their hair is looking cute or you really like their outfit. You might feel like your partner already knows that you find them attractive. They don’t. Make sure you tell them and you will be helping to keep the romance alive.

4. You’re really good at…

Neither of you have a manager or a boss at home. You don’t get positive feedback on a regular basis for the activities you do outside of the office. If anything, you and your partner probably give each other constructive (or non-constructive) criticism on everything from how to cut the crusts off the sandwiches to how to put the laundry in the hamper (and not on the floor). This can leave a void of reinforcement and encouragement. Sometimes it feels like we are doing everything wrong. I recommend that you regularly comment on your partner’s strengths and let them know when they are winning at parenting and human-ing. (I know that isn’t a word, but I’m making it one.)

You’re really good at getting our baby to sleep. What is your trick?

You make the most incredible dinners. It is so nice to end my day with yummy food to look forward to.

I love the way that you redirect our (insane) toddler when he is tired and crabby. You really have a knack for this parenting thing!

I’m in awe of your ability to always keep clean pairs of socks and underwear in my dresser. You are the Laundry Monarch – I am not worthy.

5. I hear you.

It is well known that most of us humans are not the greatest listeners. We’re often quick to give solutions or rebuttals. Or we’re too distracted by our iPhone or our kids to really tune in and hear our partner. If you take a deep breath, really listen and say I hear you, you partner’s shoulders will relax and they will feel like you are on their team and you really understand them.

6. You’re right.

Have I mentioned the defensive tone that I often see permeating couples communication? Many men and woman feel continually scrutinized or criticized, so they are slow to admit when their partner is right. But let’s think about this. You chose this person to be your partner in child rearing. Knowing that you always practice excellent judgment (wink, wink), this partner of yours probably has a good point every once in awhile. You can say this is different ways:

Good point.

You’re correct.

That’s fair.

You were right.

Very true.

Yup, you make a great point there.

If you give your mate credit when they’re on the right track, the combative tone will immediately be defused, and she or he will be more likely to say, “You’re right!” to you later on.

7. Hey, I need…

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Our partners aren’t mind readers. SO… if you need something, speak up and ask for it. Let me give you some examples:

Hey hon, I could use extra help in the kitchen this week. The baby is teething and I’m about to lose it.

I need you to run by the grocery store tonight please. We’re out of milk and coffee, and I will keel over in the morning if I don’t have my caffeine.

Darling, I need to you to hug me when you get home at the end of the day and spend a few minutes talking to me before we dive into dinner and bedtime.

Which leads me to my final suggestion…

8. How was your day?

This is an obvious one. You probably feel like you say this one in your sleep.

Here’s my question: When you say it, do you stop what you are doing, look directly at your partner’s face, and actually listen to their answer? If not, I recommend you try that, and then ask follow-up questions. Debriefing and processing your day with your partner is a great way to unwind, let go of any stressors and launch into a meaningful evening with your family. It feels amazing to know that you have a teammate waiting at home who is actually interested in what you did for the last 9 hours!

____________________________

So… I’m going to end with a caveat: If you are one of those folks who apologizes for everything, even when it isn’t your fault, you might want to skip some of the above suggestions (specifically #2 and #5). OR, if you feel like you say many of the above phrases, but your partner doesn’t, you might want to skip back to #6 and ask them to incorporate more of these into your daily dialogue. Blame it on me, the Baby Proofed Parents lady. Tell them it’s the shrink’s orders!

Here’s to Sanity & Saying It,

Kirsten

Ending the Division of Labor Wars

February 12, 2016 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Everyone does it. No couple is immune. Some call it tit for tat. Others call it keeping points. It’s that thing you do when you turn to your partner and say, “Why do I always end up doing the dishes? It seems like you never help out in the kitchen.”

Then your partner defensively replies, “I just did the dishes yesterday. You never notice when I help. And besides, when is the last time you helped with the yard work?”

And it goes from there.

The arguments can be about household chores, financial contributions, parenting tasks or even initiating sex.

These arguments feel like a volleyball game in which each person is volleying complaints back and forth over the net. It can become quite competitive. Who is doing the most around the house? Who is doing the most for the family? Who is doing the most for each other?

What couples tend to forget is that they are actually on the same team. If you ask two parents what their goals are for the family, they will almost always say the same things: Health, happiness, and a well cared for home.

I have good news for you! There are ways to minimize these division of labor battles that will in turn, make you feel closer than ever to your partner.

1. Ask yourself if you are tired or grumpy. If you answer yes, consider saving your feedback for a moment when you are rested and fed. You’ll be able to approach the subject in a less confrontational manner when you are feeling calm and can “soft start” the conversation.

2. Consider whether this task is crucial to the family and the relationship OR whether it is a personal preference for you. If it is simply a personal preference, explore the idea that you might have to take on the bulk of the job yourself. Or hire someone to help you! (Example: I like a clean, uncluttered house. Am I great at keeping it this way? Not really. My husband isn’t either but honestly, clutter doesn’t bother him. I’ve learned that lecturing him about clearing clutter is useless and only gets both of us frustrated. Instead, I try to budget time to do my own clutter cleaning and every once in awhile I have a cleaning service come in to do the deeper cleaning.)

3. Propose making a schedule or an “adult chore chart.” Most us tend to assume that our partner will handle household chores exactly the way we do. But this is a false assumption. We all come from different families and backgrounds. Just because you empty the dishwasher as soon as it has finished its cycle, doesn’t mean that your partner even notices that the dishes are done. Work together to make an agreement on what tasks need to be done when, and who is going to do them. And remember that each of your “chore lists” might not look identical. One of you might hate mopping and the other one might dislike cooking. Try to create lists that play into both of you strengths and preferences.

1. Before getting defensive, ask yourself if your partner has a valid complaint. Is it true that they have been doing most of the chores around the house? Perhaps your partner has been handling the majority of parenting tasks? Resist the urge to start tallying points and firing complaints back at them. If you can, remain calm and ask your partner how you can make things feel more equitable. You might be surprised at the answer.

2. Consider your partner’s love language. If they feel most loved when you perform “acts of service”, then chipping in with chores and yard work is going to be important in your relationship. If their love language is “physical touch”, then making it a priority to initiate cuddling or sex will be essential. When you hear your partner’s complaint, try to see how it fits into their love language. Then, try to be ahead of the game by anticipating the things that make them feel loved and initiating before being asked.

3. If you don’t want to help out more with what your partner is complaining about (or you simply can’t, due to time constraints or another issue) begin gentle negotiations. I’ll give another personal example: I used to love working in the yard. These days, I simply don’t have time or energy for it. Occasionally, my husband points out that I do not set foot outside on yard workdays. He has a point. When these conversations come up, I initially agree with him. Then I try to 1) suggest small ways that I can help (like doing a little weeding), 2) gently remind him of all of the household tasks I am handling (like laundry and housecleaning) and 3) offer to help find money in our budget to pay a yard service. Since my husband actually enjoys doing yard work, he always declines this offer, and we go about our merry way.

I said it before and I’ll say it again: you are both on the same team. It is not a competition and things will never be completely even. One partner (and this might switch back and forth) will always bring in more income. One partner will always do a little more around the house. One partner might initiate sex more frequently. Accept that you are not clones of each other and then try to boost each other up instead of tearing each other down. You will feel closer and more supported as a result!

Here’s to Sanity and Chore Charts,

Kirsten

How to Validate Your Partner Like a Parking Ticket – 3 Tips for Great Listening

September 16, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Doesn’t it feel good when you walk up to the restaurant counter with a $10 parking garage slip and the hostess stamps her little stamp on it, magically making the cost of parking go down to $0?

It feels really good.

That’s exactly how it feels to be truly validated by your partner. To have your partner put down their phone, look into your eyes and listen to you with all of their senses. Your emotional load is immediately lightened and you feel empowered to move forward.

I’ll give you an example from my own relationship that happened a few weeks ago. My husband came home from work feeling frustrated. Actually, more than frustrated. Pissed off. He shared that he received some feedback from a supervisor. He felt like there was a misunderstanding. He said he was blindsided by the criticisms and felt like he was being undervalued.

Being a counselor, you would think that I would instantly jump into active listening mode. But even we counselors can skip the validating and speed ahead to problem solving and criticism. My first impulse was to say things like: Well, haven’t I given you that feedback before? OR Maybe your boss has a point. OR Omigosh, we need you to keep your job dude. Get it together!

Fortunately, my brain got it together that evening. I paused, took a breath and switched into validation mode. “I’m sorry that you had a crappy day. That completely sucks. Can I give you a hug?”

I let my husband vent and process until he had purged his frustrations, and then we gently moved into “what next?” mode: “What can you do to prevent this next time? How do you want to confront your supervisor about how this was handled?”

The tables are frequently turned. Sometimes my husband comes home in the evening and I’m up to my armpits in parenting frustration and exhaustion. When he says things like, “I’m sorry it was a rough day. I have those too. I know you are doing your best” he wins the husband-of–the-year award.

In those moments, I’m not looking for problem solving or constructive feedback. I’m looking for someone to really hear me, which leads me to the 3 Steps to Validating Your Partner:

Step 1 – Turn Off Your Engines and Tune In: The greatest threats to good listening these days are distractions. They surround us, always humming in the background – smart phones, Pandora, TV, radio, screaming kids, chores, iPads and video games. When your mate has something that she or he needs to talk about, press the pause button on everything, sit down and make eye contact. Simple as it sounds, it is often challenging to do in our over-stimulating world.

Step 2 – Listen and Reflect: Hear the words that your partner is saying. Resist the urge to start forming a response or solution. Just listen. Ask questions to gather more info: How did he respond when you said that? What did you say after that? Ugh, how did that make you feel? And then what happened? Reflect back what you are hearing. And listen some more.

Step 3 – Validate and Empathize: This is where you jump in with the warm fuzzy stuff that makes all of us feel better. That sounds hard. That really stinks. I would have felt the same way. I can imagine that was tough for you. That’s kinda effed up!! You get the picture. You’re letting your partner know that you are on their team and have their back.

Repeat 1-3 as long as you need to. Usually you will find the conversation naturally winding down and switching gears into problem solving. But don’t rush to that space. If you take your time, you’ll notice the energy in the room starting to calm and a strengthened connection between you and your partner.

As always, there’s a caveat. If you find that your significant other greets you with a load of complaints and frustrations on a daily or hourly basis, you might begin to feel like a dumping ground. Don’t hesitate to speak up if the communication tables are unbalanced and you’re always on the receiving end. This might be an opportunity to encourage your mate to connect with a counselor or even another trusted friend or family member who can share the role of sounding board.

Last note – these listening skills will also come in handy with your kids. Listen in and listen well. You’ll find your young ones opening up and talking to you more.

Want more instruction on empathy? It’s a tricky skill to figure out and Brené Brown does an incredible job of spelling it out in this animated video. Watch, learn and enjoy:

Here’s to Sanity and Parking Garages,

Kirsten

The Good & The Bad of Opposites Attracting :: Tuesday Tip

May 19, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Ever wonder how you can be drawn so strongly to a person at the beginning of a relationship and then feel perpetually annoyed with them later on? It has to do with that age-old relationship paradigm: Opposites attract. This cliché happens to hold a lot of truth. Just like magnets, humans are pulled to each other by opposing poles or traits. Later in the partnership, it’s as though those same magnets are flipped on their ends and suddenly repelling away from each other. We’ll give you some tips on dealing with those inevitable challenges, but first, let’s discuss:

The 4 Reasons Why Opposites Attract

1. We tend to be attracted to individuals who have strengths or traits that we don’t have. Yes, you probably share common values, interests and tastes with the person you are drawn to. But when it comes to personality characteristics, you will often be on the opposite side of the spectrum from your mate.

2. It is the unconscious mind’s way of filling in personal gaps and deficits. For instance, if you tend to be more shy and introverted, you might be attracted to someone who is gregarious and outgoing. If you consider yourself to be a neat freak, don’t be surprised if you are drawn to someone who loves clutter. If we look at it in survival of the fittest terms, a couple who has strengths in all areas will do better in the long run than a couple who’s strengths are unilateral.

3. In terms of sexual chemistry and attraction, we are more triggered by someone who challenges us and brings out suppressed personality traits that we don’t possess. If you matched up with someone who was exactly like you, there wouldn’t be any zing or fire in your relationship. True story. The differences in a relationship create tension, and tension creates excitement.

4. At the risk of sounding too Freudian, we tend to be attracted to people who remind us of the good and bad of our parents or other close family members. It might be nature’s way of giving us another chance to work through our childhood conflicts and struggles. Not very nice of nature, eh? But a great opportunity for growth.

So what happens after the honeymoon period is over and the “being on your best behavior” phase is long gone? Many couples find themselves feeling continually irked with each other. I often hear in my counseling practice, “Why can’t my husband make decisions the way I do?” or “Why in the world does my girlfriend approach things that way?” or “Why does everything have to be a struggle?”

We hear your pain. Here are:

4 Tips for Rediscovering The Magnetism In Your Relationship

1. Remember why you were attracted to your partner in the first place. Consider making a list of the things you were drawn to in your mate. Example: My husband has a garage full of sports equipment, wood working tools and other remnants of hobbies and collections. All of these items and activities require money and time. When I begin to feel annoyed with the clutter or the financial costs, I have to remind myself of what attracted me to my husband in the first place: he was adventurous, interested in many things, curious and knowledgeable about a lot of subjects. When I remind myself of these traits, I feel more tolerant of the clutter and admiring of his continued passion for life.

2. Appreciate the strengths your partner has that you don’t have. Example: One of my clients, we’ll call her Sue, hates how her husband takes the kids on all-day adventures and brings them home past their bedtime, covered in dirt and bug bites. When she pauses, she remembers that she fell in love with her husband’s adventurous spirit and carefree attitude. Sue notices that her kids are smiling and that they are probably benefiting from her husband’s different parenting style.

3. Ask yourself if you have something to learn or gain from your partner’s opposing traits. Example: Another client of mine, we’ll call him Alan, get’s extremely frustrated with his wife’s insistence on keeping their house immaculately clean. He said that he feels like he is living in a hotel — it doesn’t feel like a home to him. When he explores his feelings more, he acknowledges that he has a history of being a slob and that his wife’s cleanliness has helped him to be more neat and organized in his own life.

4. Make small requests of each other when you feel like you are on opposing teams. Just because you appreciate your partners differing strengths doesn’t mean that you can’t communicate your unmet needs or concerns. When the timing is right, use the soft start approach, and give your partner gentle requests. These requests just might help your mate to inch a little bit out of their comfort zone and experience personal grow as a result. Here are some examples based on the scenarios above:

Kirsten (to husband): I love how you are interested in SO many things. Would you like me to buy some storage bins so we can organize the garage this weekend and you can have easier access to all of your crap? (Oops! That was a little passive aggressive. Let’s try again.) Easier access to all of your gear?

Sue (to husband): I know that you and the kids will have an amazing time on the greenbelt today. Do you mind getting them home before bedtime tonight so we can be fresh for the soccer game tomorrow?

Alan (to wife): Wow, the house looks great. How about if we take the day off from cleaning today and just relax with the dishes and laundry? I’ll help you catch up tomorrow.

Here’s the kicker. Don’t be surprised if one or more of your kids also has opposing traits to you. That child might challenge you just as much as your partner, but if you use the suggestions above, both you and your little one will flourish.

Here’s to Sanity & Magnets,

Kirsten

Keeping Your Relationship Hydrated :: Tuesday Tip

April 7, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

In my many years of counseling, I have never encountered a “perfect” couple. All relationships have their challenges and rough spots – mine is no exception! I’ve learned along the way that the trick to long-term relationship success is not to be perfect or conflict-free. The trick is to maintain a strong supportive foundation so that you and your partner can weather the rocky periods.

When a couple walks into my office, and I can tell they are getting on each others’ last nerve, I talk to them about Rain Water Collection. (I know, strange. But hang with me for a sec.) If you know anyone who lives off of rain water – which is getting more common in this eco-friendly 21st century – you’ll know that they love a heavy spring shower or a gigantic thunderstorm. Their water tanks get filled to the max and they can breathe a big sigh of relief, knowing that they will have plenty of water to last them through the dry summer months. A relationship is similar. Just like tiny raindrops, there are small things you can do every day to fill up the reserves. The more drops or positive things you pour into the relationship, the more cushion you have for the dry spells. The result is a strong foundation of trust, love and patience.

What happens when the heat is on and you and your partner exchange harsh words or do something hurtful to each other? A tiny bit of your reserves evaporate. Just as little positive things fill up your love tank, tiny negative things can drain it. If your relationship experiences enough negativity, or goes through a major trauma such as an affair or a bout with addiction, you might find your relationship completely dehydrated and in a full fledged drought that feels hard to come back from.

How do you rebuild the trust and patience when you are running on empty? You return to the little things… little gestures, little favors, little compliments. These actions are contagious and the more that you make an effort to hydrate your relationship, the more your partner will feel appreciated and follow suit. Bit by bit, you will refill the tank and find yourself enjoying that loving feeling again.

The truth is, you WILL have fights with your partner, you WILL get annoyed with them at times, and one or both of you WILL let each other down. But if you go into those challenges with a full reservoir versus a depleted tank, you will have an easier time rebounding and navigating through the obstacles.

Parenthood can both enhance a relationship AND put an enormous strain on it. When I meet with expectant parents, I encourage them to spend the nine months before baby filling up their virtual rain tank. Give your partner compliments, surprise them with a card or a gift, be affectionate and speak to each other with kindness and patience so that you have a full reservoir when you are facing the sleepless nights and gassy infant ahead. Whether you are expecting a baby, raising a baby or well beyond babies, keeping your relationship hydrated and your water barrels full will help you to manage whatever challenges come your way.

Here’s to Strength and Thunderstorms,

Kirsten

Tone it Down – How to Speak Softer and Get Heard :: Tuesday Tip

March 3, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Your baby is fussy, house a wreck, and you’re sitting there, stewing in anger and frustration. By the time your partner walks through the front door, your emotions have reached a fever pitch, and before you know it, word vomit is everywhere. “What were you doing today?! Didn’t you get my TEXTS and voiceMAILS?!” She looks at you, stunned, and either word vomits back, or shuts down completely. Both of you feel terrible. It’s the same with kids. Trying to get them to make different choices by yelling at them never works. They reflexively clam up, retreat, lie or yell back. We never quite grow out of those responses to being “in trouble.”

In his stellar, research-based book The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman identifies several unhealthy communication habits that destroy relationships. This one? “The Harsh Start-Up.” Kirsten’s 5 suggestions on what to give your partner when you’re feeling annoyed made me think hard about this specific communication error, which can shut a conversation down before it even starts. So how do you avoid a harsh start-up when you’re really upset?

Purge it. Find ways to let out some of the intense feelings before you try to talk to your partner about your needs, through things like journaling, a spurt of vigorous exercise, or screaming into your pillow. When you’re feeling flooded emotionally, it’s often impossible to identify what would help you feel better or communicate respectfully.
Process it. Talking to another parent or trusted friend outside of your intimate relationship can help you sort through the emotions, discern what might be your own issues to work on, and what you should bring to the table with your partner.
Present it. Try keeping your voice calm. Avoid criticism, blaming and lecturing. Explain how you feel, and ask for what you need in a measurable way. “I felt overwhelmed today, and when you didn’t respond to my messages, I also felt alone. Will you please check your phone at lunchtime, and respond with a short text, letting me know you heard me?” Anger is normal, healthy, and often justifiable, but if you want positive, lasting change, delivery is critical.

Here’s to Sanity and Being Heard,

Cheryl

5 Things for New Moms to Give Their Partners :: Tuesday Tip

February 10, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Note from the author: These tips are not just applicable to husbands and wives, they are relevant to any parenting partnership!

Many of my new mom counseling clients tell me that they feel like they’ve developed multiple personalities after giving birth. A few weeks into their parenting adventure, they eagerly wait by the door for their husbands to come home from work. And when he finally gets there, they feel completely annoyed — and eagerly wait for him to leave again.

I understand what they’re talking about. I experienced my own mixed feelings regarding my hubby when I became a new mother. There were moments when I felt like I couldn’t have found a sweeter, more intuitive man to co-parent my children with. “I won the parenting jackpot,” I told my friends, “He is so sweet to our baby and does SO much to help me.” Other times I felt like my man was put on this Earth, and specifically in my life, to aggravate me and let me down. He didn’t know what I needed, he didn’t know the right things to say, he just didn’t…

Before reaching the point of wanting to kick your husband out, here are 5 things to try giving him:

Give him the scoop: Fill your husband in on what you are experiencing as a new mother. Your hormones are all over the place. You don’t know what a full-night’s sleep is any more. Your body just went through a gigantic ordeal and your life has changed dramatically. If you worked prior to having a baby, you are now adjusting to being home alone all day with a little crying creature who doesn’t speak the same language as you. This is a huge adjustment and your husband will be better able to support you if he knows what an enormous transition your body and mind are going through. Keep him informed so he understands that this isn’t a walk in the park for you and that you need as much help as possible.

Give him patience: Remember that you are not the only one trying to figure out how to do this parenting thing. Your husband is also new to the role of Dad, and he might need time to learn how to best support you and baby. If he spends a lot of time on the road or at the office, he may need occasional tutorials or updates on how to bounce baby when he’s fussy, or how to feed baby solids without them being spit up all over the floor. Be easy on your man – the two of you will figure out your new jobs together, in time.

Give him a piece of your mind: OK, listen to me closely here. This may seem like common sense, but it actually isn’t for most of us. Your husband cannot read your mind. He doesn’t know that you wanted him to pick up dinner from the Thai restaurant on the corner because you’ve been pacing the kitchen all afternoon with a fussy baby. He doesn’t realize that you haven’t had a shower in three days and that the grease in your hair is not part of a new slicked-back hair style you are going for. He might not understand that you have reached your last straw and that you are seriously about to lose it. As we always tell our young kids, use your words and tell your husband what you need and want. Sometimes it might be as simple as saying, “I need you to give me a big hug and tell me everything is going to be OK.” Or it might be as big as stating, “I am really struggling today and about to lose it. I need you to step in with the baby and give me a Target break so I can blow off some steam in the pretty pillow and vase aisle.”

Give him your time: One of the things that suffers the most when you have a new baby in the house is time together as a couple. With this lack of couple time, intimacy and lovey-dovey feelings can take a dive. When you can, and IF you can, make time for little dates with each other. It might look like sitting on the couch with a dark beer (to increase your breast milk of course!) and watching the latest Netflix download. Or… if you can snag a babysitter, get OUT of the house with your partner, even if it is for an hour or two. Connecting with each other as a couple, and not as two parents passing each other in the middle of the night, can bring you closer together and reignite that spark that you felt pre-baby.

Give him hell: IF you are giving your husband all of these things and he still isn’t stepping up to the plate, share your feelings of frustration with him. Use classic “I statements” to get your point across. “I feel like I am doing everything by myself around here and getting no support.” “I wait eagerly for you to come home and then I feel like you aren’t tuning in to the baby and me.” “I am really struggling. I could use more help.” You get the picture – you can be assertive and direct and still keep your cool. Then go back to #3 and be specific about your needs and wants.

You may be reading this and thinking, None of this describes my husband. He is the best co-parent in the world! If that is the case, great! But if you are feeling the annoyances that many new mothers experience, refrain from beating yourself up and give these suggestions a try. You might find yourself falling in love all over again with that man whom you call your husband.

Here’s to Sanity and Netflix,

Kirsten

3 Ways to Get Calm and Fight Fair :: Tuesday Tip

November 18, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Fiery conflict with your partner can easily reduce you to your worst self. This makes no sense and complete sense. You love this person, so why do you hate/fear/distrust them sometimes? Because you love this person. You’ve likely risked everything, and they’ve seen you naked, in every sense of the word. If you’re expecting, the risks can feel exponentially more intense. You are at your most vulnerable, and unfortunately at times, at your most savagely self-protective. This is the best time to use your fire escape plan, creating physical distance between you and your partner, so you both can calm down and hopefully reengage from a rational place to resolve your issues.

But once you have the space, how exactly do you calm down? Here are three ways to get your perspective back in a hurry:

1. Create a list of at least three memories about your partner that make you feel safe and connected. It’s best to do this when you’re NOT in conflict, so you can pull it up mentally during rocky moments. Maybe it was a special date, or the way she was there for you when things were rough at work, or the way he locked eyes with you during your first ultrasound. Update and add new positive moments to your list as they occur.

2. Separate the past from the present. Is something about this fight familiar? Did the issue remind you of a past relationship in which you were hurt, or something from your childhood? Maybe you felt your partner was ignoring your needs, and it reminded you of feeling neglected when you were little. Pull back to the present, and consider the possibility that your partner was NOT ignoring you, but was distracted and flooded with his own defensiveness and emotions. Avoid holding your partner accountable for things she hasn’t actually done.

3. Remind yourself of your own strength and resourcefulness. Doing so can keep you grounded during conflict, instead of being completely swept away by emotion and incapable of logical discussion (to solve anything, you have to have both feelings and practicality in tact). It helps to have a mental image or memory that encapsulates your strength. My go-to strength memory is the birth of my second child. I knew mentally and physically what to expect, and felt present from the first contraction to the final push. When I feel scared or out of control, I pull that memory up and think, “I did that, so I can do this.”

My favorite Ben Harper lyric: “When you have everything, you have everything to lose.” Worth a fiery fight sometimes, and worth the necessary work to convey passion and respect.

Here’s to Sanity and Savagery,

Cheryl

Speak My Language :: Tuesday Tip

August 12, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

“I feel taken for granted, unappreciated.”

“I don’t feel close to my partner any more.”

“It seems like we’re bickering roommates… there’s no affection.”

These are some of the more common complaints that I hear from couples during their first counseling session. They’re not feeling the love and they’re looking for tools to bridge the gap. My usual response? “You guys are normal. Staying close and lovey-dovey as a couple is challenging, especially after introducing kids into the picture. Let’s dive in and talk about ideas for reconnecting.”

Invariably, our discussion leads us to the classic relationship guide, The Five Love Languages. As Dr. Gary Chapman explains in his decades-old book, most individuals have specific preferences when it comes to expressing and receiving love and affection. These preferences fall into five separate categories:

Words of Affirmation – Examples: Compliments, praise, acknowledgement, sweet messages written in a card or on a sticky note, nomination for “Parent of the Year” Award.

Acts of Service – Examples: Chores, home repairs, errands, shaving the hair on your partner’s back, anything on the To-Do List.

Receiving Gifts – Examples: As simple as a flower handpicked from the garden or as luxurious as a new BMW sitting in the driveway. (The latter being a tad over the top, but hey, it doesn’t hurt to plant a seed!)

Quality Time – Examples: Watching a favorite TV show together, chatting over coffee, going out on a date, talking on the phone, spending the day together running errands or wandering aimlessly at IKEA.

Physical Touch – Examples: Hugs & kisses, back rubs, casual touches, cuddling, gettin’ busy.

If you know your preferred love languages and those of your partner, you can request and express affection and appreciation in a way that feels like a fit. The tricky thing? Often the way that your partner prefers to show love is not necessarily what makes you feel warm and fuzzy, and vice versa. At times, couples feel like they need a translator to understand each other’s behavior.

Mind if I give you some examples from my own relationship? (I apologize in advance for any TMI.) My husband grew up in a home with two working parents and a much older brother. He remembers feeling lonely and bored as a young child. As an adult, he feels the most loved and connected when he gets Quality Time or Physical Touch. If he wants to express affection, he will offer a hug, suggest we head to the bedroom or ask me to watch a movie with him on the couch.

I, on the other hand, grew up as an over-achieving first-born in a crowded, chaotic house. I have two little boys hanging all over me on most days. Instead of Quality Time or Touch, I yearn for Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. Tell me that I am a good mom or paint that bedroom wall I’ve been whining about and I am putty in your hands.

Here’s the rub: If I only make pots of coffee for my husband and never initiate a kiss or a date night, I’m not operating with his lingo. If he only squeezes my butt, but neglects to give me verbal or written compliments, he is not communicating in my dialect. The trick to truly connecting with our partner is offering them affection and appreciation in a way that feels the most impactful to them. All five of the love languages feel loving, but tuning in to each other’s preferences will help you to feel more connected than ever.

If you haven’t already, I encourage you to take The Love Language Quiz with your partner and discuss the results. (Select the PDF version if you are short for time.) If you want more on the subject, pick up the book – it’s a great read for couples who want to strengthen their relationship. And then make an effort to speak your partner’s language on a regular basis. Life will feel more loving when you are both on the same page.

Here’s to sanity and butt squeezes,

Kirsten

Cut The Crap – Purging 3 Ineffective Communication Strategies :: Tuesday Tip

June 3, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Our brains can feel quite cluttered. Purging the things that are no longer useful opens space for new ideas, approaches and behaviors. Consider healthy eating plans. Many of them start by omitting things like sugar, processed foods and caffeine (which makes me so, so sad). After detoxing, you start to feel better, have more energy, and can build by adding more greens, lean protein and whole foods.

The same principle works in relationships. I’ve worked with a lot of clients on breaking old patterns and being more intentional when dating. When I ask, “What qualities are you looking for?” many people draw a complete blank. So, I redirect with, “What do you want to avoid?” This primes the pump. “No commitment issues. No drug use. No habit of softly whistling show tunes while I’m talking to him.” (That last one was personal.) Sometimes getting to what we do want requires strong clarity about what we don’t want, and moving it out of our way.

Therapists are always preaching about improving communication with our partners. We all want to be more in sync, but managing conflict and getting our meaning across can feel impossible, especially amidst the added craziness of raising kids. Before tackling the arts of “I” Statements and Active Listening, open up some space by purging these three communication habits.

1. Transactional Statements. Instead of asking for what you want with clear language, transactional statements or questions are attempts to Jedi your partner into doing your bidding. You throw out a complaint or vague query, then wait for him to connect the dots, intuit your want and leap into action. This habit stems from self-esteem issues. Deep down, we question our right to even have preferences and needs, let alone express them. This drives our use of elaborate, sneaky ways for getting our needs met, which usually backfire.

Instead of this: “It’s soooo hot in here. Aren’t you hot?!”
Try this: “I’m burning up, and have my hands full with the baby. Will you please lower the temperature?”

2. Globalizing. Any negative feedback you give your partner starting with “you always,” or “you never,” is destined to bounce off a wall of defensiveness and come back to smack you in the face. Making generalizations about another person is a terrible motivator for change. This habit stems from high stress levels, which can distort your perception of the frequency/lack of the behavior. Globalizing causes her to feel invalidated, vilified and guarded.

Instead of this: “You never appreciate what I do for you. You always focus on what I’ve done wrong.”
Try this: “When you forget to say ‘thank you,’ I feel unappreciated. I love it when you compliment and tell me you value what I do.”

3. Baby Talk. Using goo-goo/gah-gah or feigned foreign accents is another strategy for fishing to get your needs met while keeping your true desires covert. Because, if you’re denied, hey, it wasn’t really you who asked anyway, it was that faux-British, adult-sized infant. No harm no foul! This habit stems from a fear of rejection, and is most commonly used when initiating sex, which can feel like one of the riskiest wants to communicate.

Instead of this: “Will you pwease wub my backy-back?”
Try this: “I want you to administer your technique. Right. Now.” That’s more of a command. But maybe that’s just fine.
Try this again: “Will you please give me one of your amazing back rubs?”

Do these tips seem impossible to implement? Are you and your partner caught in a Transactionally Globalized Baby-Talking Labyrinth from which you can see no escape? This could mean there’s some deeper emotional work to do. Reach out for help if you need to – the payoff for stronger, clearer communication is so worth it.

Here’s to Sanity and Brits,

Cheryl

Playing With Fire – Relationship Damage Control :: Monday Musing

May 26, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

My ex-husband J and I are both therapists. We used to joke that we met in group therapy, because we were both taking a graduate class on the subject when we started dating. When people hear this, they often laugh nervously and ask, “So… do you two sit around and analyze each other?” Naturally. While being married to another therapist had its intense moments, one benefit was finally figuring out what was happening to us during conflict, and learning from our destructive patterns. We had the same fight, on repeat, with slight detail fluctuations. The root of it was our difficulty trusting that we were completely emotionally safe with each other.

J and I both had our share of crappy relationships. We entered our marriage with some baggage, which got triggered almost every time we fought. When we had intense conflict, my irrational fear was, “He doesn’t really care about my feelings, and is on his way out.” His was, “She doesn’t respect me, and she is purposefully trying to hurt me.” When you make these kinds of assumptions emotionally, your thoughts and reactions (body language, words and tone of voice) follow, and the storm swells. Forget about what started the argument. Whose turn it was to diaper the baby, do the dishes, or make the grocery run no longer matters. You are on the defense and incapable of rational thought, and whatever root fuels your arguments will be driving.

Before I proceed, can we agree on something? Aside from keeping them alive, the best gift you can give your children is your personal sanity, and if you have a partner, an example of a mutually respectful, loving relationship. Here are some thoughts on how to do that.

Work on Fire Prevention. Psychotherapist Kelly McDaniel says that in healthy relationships, partners recognize that their union is, in part, for the purpose of healing. This is beautiful. It involves understanding how your past experiences and pain influence your expectations and behavior in your current relationships. Safe, healthy relationships give you the space to air out the baggage, and support each other in moving on, so you can fully enjoy the goodness right in front of you. I like the assumption that your junk from the past will come up, but with mutual love and support, you can help each other evolve.

Practicing kindness toward each other is a great way to convey love and prevent intense conflict. Here are two takes on kindness that stick with and recenter me:

Carl Sagan described a way to categorize all of our choices, actions and reactions – they can either further compassion, or further aggression. That’s pretty clear.
In his book The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman encourages couples to treat each other with the same kindness and respect they would an honored guest in their home. In this scenario, little room remains for bitter sarcasm, snapping or cheap shots.

Create a Fire Escape. So, that’s all lovely. But the truth is, we’re human, and in certain circumstances (such as those brought on by the sweet chaos of a new baby) we possess the emotional intelligence of, I don’t know, squirrels? They’re nuts. Sometimes I have an old man sense of humor. Couples find themselves at a fever pitch in fights, and after receiving and inflicting pretty serious verbal wounds, drag themselves into my office. I’ve been there too. If your house is on fire, you don’t stand in the heat and smoke and try to resolve “issues.” You just get the hell out. Later, when it’s safe, you can go back in and figure out how to repair. Here’s where the need for a Fire Escape comes in: in an intense fight, recognize it’s time to take a cool down, and give each other physical/emotional space until you’re ready to rationally resolve the issue.

Plan the terms of your fire escape when you’re calm, not during an argument. It can take many different forms. Sometimes simply going into separate rooms and focusing on slowing down your breathing for a few minutes is all it takes. For J and I, when either of us sensed we were losing our grip, we’d call a time out. He would go outside, and I would stay inside, giving him space to cool off, reminding myself that we’d eventually work it out. This time apart can be excruciating, but it’s better than saying things you can’t take back. Remember that you both want resolution and to feel close again, but you need a moment to cool down if that’s to happen without damage. If you take a breather and still don’t feel ready to reconnect, like Kirsten says, it’s okay to go to bed angry and try again after some sleep.

Even if the dynamic in your relationship changes through separation or divorce, it’s never too late to improve your communication and esteem for each other (more advice on this from an awesome single dad we know, Terry Cox.) J is still one of my best friends, even though we went through a painful split. We work hard to put our egos aside and show respect for each other, giving our kids a healthy, loving friendship between their parents. We’re not perfect and get it very wrong sometimes, but conflict recovery is easier when we remind ourselves that we’re in good, safe hands with each other. I hope you have that peace of mind in your relationships, because you deserve it. Anyone who would tell you otherwise can eff off.

Here’s to Sanity and Squirrels,

Cheryl

All Hands On Deck :: Tuesday Tip

April 22, 2014 By: babyproofedparents3 Comments

Safety Czar in Action

Shhh… don’t tell him I said this, but in many ways, my husband is a better parent than me. (Did I really just admit that? Oh, yes I did.) When it comes to consistency and common sense, Todd is unflappable. In our home, we not-so-affectionately refer to him as “The Safety Czar” for his uncanny ability to detect all hazardous activities (indoor frisbee and stair sledding, to name a few) and sternly put a halt to them. When the man says, ‘NO’, he means it. And whenever we need to make a big transition involving the kids, such as switching bedrooms or sleep training, Todd is sent in to present a strong, unwavering front.

In spite of these parenting strengths, I discovered soon after the birth of our first child that there is one task my husband is NOT good at: coping with interrupted sleep. The times he took the night shift with our fussy, gassy infant were the times he woke up grumpy as a toddler on a long road trip. I quickly figured out that if I stayed up and soothed our little baby, my hubby would greet me with a smile, a good mood and a fresh pot of coffee in the morning… and my whole day would go a heck of a lot better.

Kinder, gentler parent.

While we’re on the subject of my parenting strengths (Ahem), I will argue that I’m a kinder, gentler kind of parent. I get down on my kids’ level and try to figure out the interesting logic working itself out in their little brains. I have a checklist, calendar, and figurative social-media feed running in my head at all times. And I somehow have the magic ability to predict the future because I always know how many changes of clothes and snacks to throw in the diaper bag, and how many meltdowns to prepare for. (I know many of you have this magic ability as well.)

You would think that with all of these opposing strengths, my husband and I would make a dynamite parenting team. But there have been MANY times in our marriage and our parenting journey that we have found ourselves at odds with each other. While one of us is focused on safety or doing things correctly, the other is focused on having a good time or being sweet. At times, we have accused each other of not pulling enough weight. I’ll be honest; these differing perspectives have made for some big ol’ disagreements.

Cheryl to the rescue. She calmly helped me put our parenting woes into perspective one day. “Kirsten,” she said, “You’re kind of like a Cruise Director. You’re focused on everyone having a good time and being well-fed and well-rested. Todd’s the Captain of the Ship. He is more interested in keeping everyone afloat and getting them to the port safely. Both of you want the cruise to be successful, but you are just focused on different aspects of the journey.”

By golly, she was right. Cheryl has said a lot of wise things, but this particular analogy won the “ah-ha moment” prize.

Working in Unison: Cruise Director and Captain

Working in Unison Aboard the Love Boat

When Todd and I began to see ourselves as being assigned to different roles on the same boat, it helped us to divvy up tasks accordingly and resent each other less.

Yes, it is crucial for you and your parenting partner to back each other up, to parent in a consistent manner, and to both chip in with child-rearing and household duties. But it is also OK and beneficial for each of you to utilize your individual strengths and balance each other out. Your kids don’t need you to be clones of each other – they can learn from your varied approaches and benefit from your unique styles. Maybe you feel most comfortable as the ship chef, the entertainment director or the housekeeping expert. Figure out what you and your partner do best and then give each other room to be the finest parents you can be. Smoother sailing and calm childhood seas will be the end result. And you might just deliver your kids to the port of adulthood in one, well-rounded piece.

BPP Sanity Savers:

Keep in mind that you and your parenting partner are working toward the same end goal of raising healthy, happy kids. Identify what each of you do best, split up jobs accordingly and be open to feedback or concerns when your partner wants to re-evaluate how things are being handled.
Regularly praise your partner for their strengths (especially if they are different from yours), learn from what they do well and present a united front to your kids.
If you are a single parent, introduce other trusted adults into your family that have unique strengths and perspectives that your kids can benefit from.

Here’s to strength, sanity and smooth sailing,

Kirsten

The real captain, cruise director and 1st mate.

The real cruise director, captain and 1st mate.

Go to Bed Angry… Once in Awhile :: Tuesday Tip

February 3, 2014 By: babyproofedparents4 Comments

Most of us have heard the old adage: Never go to bed angry. In other words, you should always kiss and make up with your partner before your head hits the pillow.

Unfortunately, this is not always realistic for most of us living, breathing humans.

There is another piece of advice that goes something like this: Never initiate an argument or try to work through a disagreement when you are exhausted, hungry, sick, or really grumpy. Chances are that the argument will not get resolved and that it might even get ugly.

When you are pregnant, or a new parent, there will be times you are feeling wiped out, edgy, hormonal, ravenous, or all of those at once. This also applies to men – dads can feel equally tired and drained. Give yourself a quick body check when you and your partner embark on a touchy subject. If your stomach is grumbling or your shoulders are drooping, ask your partner to table the conversation until you can get something to eat or a good night’s sleep.

And then, make sure you agree on a time to pick up where you left off, when you’re both in a better place:

I really want to resolve this with you. Would you mind if we revisited this subject after breakfast tomorrow? I’m beat and I can tell that I might be prone to biting your head off at this moment. Literally, I might bite your head off…

Chances are that the conversation will take on a whole new shade when you are feeling rested and whole.

Self-care. You are going to be hearing a lot about that in this blog. It is the key to staying sane and strong as a parent and a partner.

BPP Sanity Savers

Scan your body before embarking on a touchy subject with your partner. If exhausted, sick or testy, request a time out and pick up the topic later.
Put aside a few minutes every day to check in with each other. Choose a time when you are most likely to be rested and fed.
Encourage your partner and yourself to take time for self-care (examples: an extra hour of sleep, a hot bath or a 30-minute trip to Target while baby and partner stay home.) Your communication and relationship will benefit!

Here’s to strength and sanity –

Kirsten