WELLNESS

Where to go in Central Texas to find the most pediatric specialists and specialty programs

June 30, 2018 By: babyproofedparentscomment

This is the second post in a two-part series created in partnership with Dell Children’s Medical Center & Ascension.

Any parent who has navigated a medical emergency with a young child can tell you that their brain alternates between being in a fog and being laser-focused. That was certainly the case for me when my 10-day-old newborn had to be hospitalized for high fever and lethargy. As I wrote in an earlier post, I was instructed by our pediatrician to take my son to Dell Children’s Medical Center when he was just a few days old. I was also fighting the flu at the time so my brain was especially foggy. And yet, I found myself on a single-minded mission to advocate for my child and seek out the best professional opinions and interventions I could find.

Thank goodness we ended up at Dell Children’s. Despite the hazy state of my postpartum, flu-ridden brain, I immediately sensed that we had placed ourselves in the best possible care available.

One of the reasons I knew we were in the right spot is because Dell Children’s has an enormous number of pediatric specialists and specialty programs – the most in Central Texas to be exact. The hospital is staffed with doctors and experts who can be called on at a moment’s notice. Instead of being sent from facility to facility, or office to office, the doctors all came to our private hospital room. And they kept coming until my son’s condition was diagnosed and treated.

It took a few days for that diagnosis to happen. The reason for my son’s deteriorating health was an absolute mystery when we first arrived at Dell Children’s. The emergency room staff needed to rule out meningitis so he received a spinal tap. (As you can imagine, the spinal tap was really scary, but I put my faith in the staff to handle my son with the utmost care. And they did.) The doctors did blood work, they checked his urine and they eventually took us in a wheelchair to a separate department for an abdominal ultrasound.

I can still remember sitting in that ultrasound room, next to the kind technician. I can remember the look of concern in her eyes as she studied my son’s kidneys, ureters and bladder. Something was terribly wrong, and she knew that my son needed immediate treatment.

Dr. Cortez’s white board illustration.

The next thing I knew, a top pediatric urologist, Dr. Jose Cortez, Urology Section Chief at Dell Children’s, was standing in our hospital room. Remember, my brain was pretty foggy through all of this, and yet Dr. Cortez’s face and words are etched forever in my memory. His voice was calm and his demeanor was compassionate. He drew a picture on the white board in our room explaining that our son, Elliott, had a condition called Posterior Urethral Valve (PUV). There was a blockage in his urethra that was causing all of his urine to back up into his kidneys. His ureters, which should have looked like strands of spaghetti, looked like folded up sausage. His kidneys, which should have look like jellybeans, resembled bloated, distended potatoes.

Dr. Cortez calmly explained to us what the plan would be: Elliott would receive a catheter to relieve some pressure that evening and he would go in for surgery the next morning. He also explained that Elliott would fully recover.

There is nothing sweeter than hearing those words from an experienced, top-notch specialist. Your child will recover. It’s going to be OK. And it was.

Dr. Cortez is not the only specialist that we saw at Dell Children’s. Before we left the hospital that first time, Elliott was checked out by a pediatric cardiologist and a certified lactation consultant.

Aidan after his surgery for an infected lymph gland.

When our older son, Aidan, had a MRSA staph infection in his lymph gland several months later, we saw an infectious disease expert and a top pediatric ENT who performed surgery on Aidan’s neck.

Each time our kids have had a medical emergency (and we’ve had our share), we’ve headed straight to Dell Children’s. We know that they will be met by a dedicated multidisciplinary team of pediatric specialists and nurses who all have the same mission: helping our kids to feel better. Our boys, who are 11 and 14 now, are in great health, thanks to the expert care and treatment of the doctors and staff they have seen along the way.

When any of my counseling clients share with me that one of their kids have experienced a medical or physical trauma, I immediately direct them to Dell Children’s. The medical center is the only Pediatric Level I Trauma Center in Central Texas. They provide the highest level of care to children who have been victims of trauma – the kind of care that is crucial for the full physical and emotional recovery of a child.

Eleven years after my son’s first hospitalization, Dr. Cortez is still his urologist. His office is located across the street from Dell Children’s, within walking distance from the hospital. We visit Dr. Cortez every few years for a follow-up ultrasound and check up. We usually make it a family outing. We laugh with Dr. Cortez, we stop by and say ‘hi’ to our favorite ball machine in the Dell Children’s lobby and we go out to lunch as a family. We celebrate our son’s good health and the expert care he received when he was only a few days old.

When my son had a check up with Dr. Cortez six months ago, we nervously asked him if he was going to retire anytime soon. “No way,” he reassured us. “I have kids in college, no retirement for me yet!”

Thank goodness! We felt immediately relieved. Knowing that your child has a top notch medical expert in their corner makes all the difference, and that’s why we will choose Dell Children’s every time. ♥️

Hey there birth partner, I see you – 3 Tips for Navigating the Postpartum Period

April 26, 2018 By: babyproofedparentscomment

My husband had surgery a few months ago. It was a semi-serious surgery that kept him in the hospital one night and then he was released to my care. Keep in mind that I am no nurse. In fact, blood and bodily fluids tend to make me a little squeamish. However, the doctor assured me that his aftercare would be easy peasy. My husband would only need plenty of rest and hydration.

In preparation, I scheduled a few days off of work and began listing all of the things I could catch up on. Sorting through old paperwork, filing insurance claims for my counseling practice, cleaning out my closet – because OMG, it needs a good clean out. By the time they took him back to the OR for his procedure, I had a page-long list of To-Do’s ready for doing. I was kind of looking forward to having a few free days at home while he recovered.

Um… whatever.

After I brought my hubby/patient home from the hospital, I didn’t stop moving. He needed his meds. Then he needed a drink of water. How about a smoothie now? He was cold – could he have a blanket? Oh, the kids are home from school now. Homework and dinner and bedtime. But no bed time for me because my surgery patient needed bathing. And his pain was truly intolerable. And… there were plenty of body fluids. Eeeek! Up and down we went all night.

Needless to say, I didn’t get anything done on my To-Do list. In fact, as the week progressed, I became more exhausted as my husband became more rested.

It gave me flash backs to when we came home from the hospital with our second newborn. I had just given birth. I needed to focus on recovering and breastfeeding, right? So, I fully expected my husband to be my right-hand man.

He really delivered.

He brought food and water and reassurance whenever I needed it. He handled our preschooler like a champ and ran to the grocery store for all of our worldly needs. He never stopped moving while I did a lot of sitting.

I guess I always assumed that he had the super easy job as birth partner. I never stopped to think that his role in supporting and caring for me might have been just as exhausting as my recovery from the birth.

My little stint as nurse and caretaker made this very clear for me. It also helped me to identify some tips that might help set the birth partner up for success during the postpartum period.

1) Get things ready ahead of time: The last month or two of the pregnancy, begin preparing things to make the caretaker’s job easier. Set up some comfy areas in your home that will work well for breastfeeding and resting. You’ll want a good chair, a little side table to keep magazines and books, the remote control, something to play music on, a small light and an ottoman to kick up your feet on. Stock the fridge and pantry with your favorite foods and snacks that can be easily prepared. Stock plenty of healthy beverages and fun cups/straws to drink them out of. Ask your midwife or doctor for a list of comfort items (heating pads, breastfeeding-friendly pain meds, hemorrhoid pads) and show your partner where they are stored. Last but not least, think about investing in a good old-fashioned bell. Yelling and texting work fine, but the little ding of a bell might work better.

2) Accept help: This is a big one for both Mom and birth partner. When my husband was preparing to go into surgery, all of our friends and family were asking how they could help. More specifically, they were offering to provide food or watch our boys. “No, thanks,” I told most of them. “We’ll be fine. I have food in the fridge and the boys can entertain themselves.” Well, several days later, I was kicking myself. It would have been reeeeealy nice to have meals delivered to our doorstep or to have my boys carpooled around for the week. Fortunately, there were several sweet people who wouldn’t take no for an answer and brought food and help any way. Lesson learned: Accept the help of others. You can always decline later on, but sending out an SOS is trickier.

3) Care for the caretaker: The caretaker is going to be on their feet a lot. They probably won’t be getting much more sleep than mom. For this reason, I encourage birth partners to clear any big commitments off of their calendar so that they can reserve their energy for care-taking and resting. Birth partners should stock up on their own favorite snacks, drinks, movies and books. When mom and baby are resting, the caretaker should also rest and relax. Don’t worry about keeping the house immaculate or staying on top of everything. You guys will have plenty of time to catch up. In the meantime, focus on loving on this new little baby and taking care of both of you.

Here’s to Strength & Birth Partners,

Kirsten

No Performance Review for the New Parent

January 31, 2017 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Before I had my first baby, I had a corporate job, complete with cubicles, bureaucracy and a never-ending supply of donuts and half-finished cakes calling to me from the break room.

I didn’t grieve any of that when I left my job to go on maternity leave. Not the stray, half-eaten sweets that always seemed to find their way to my stomach. Not the cloud of policies and procedures that metaphorically hovered over my cubicle.

There was one thing that I did miss – and it surprised the heck out of me. During those early days with my baby, I found myself longing for performance evaluations and reviews.

You’re probably thinking I’m crazy right about now. Who in their right mind would miss a performance review? Who would want to be evaluated by their boss?

Let me explain.

I cherished staying home with my newborn baby. But I also found it to be rather isolating and overwhelming. The moment my little boy emerged, I felt pressured to speed-learn ALL of these new skills: how to breastfeed, how to soothe a colicky baby, how to treat a diaper rash and how to keep a household running, all in the same day.

While I was putting myself through a Baby 101 crash course, there was no one to say, “Hey, you are doing a great job!” or “You got a 8.5 out of 10 on that nipple latch. I’m giving you a bonus this month.” I went from having my every move monitored in an office setting to getting very little feedback on the job I was doing at home. That was tough.

My husband would occasionally tell me he thought I was doing great, but not nearly enough. To give the guy credit, he was figuring out all of these new jobs as well, so he was just as clueless as me.

It wasn’t just the evaluations that I missed. I also found myself yearning for the daily interaction with co-workers that provided me with a steady diet of validation and feedback. “I love that outfit on you. Where did you get it?” or “I overheard you talking to that client. Great job!” It was me and a non-verbal newborn most of the day, and the walls around me stayed pretty silent.

If you think about it, we get regularly reviewed and evaluated from the time we are a baby: Our parents coo at us and tell us we are wonderful and doing a great job. Our teachers and professors give us assignments and grades, assuring us we are on the right track. Our supervisors and bosses take over with job descriptions, trainings and scheduled feedback.

And then suddenly we become parents, and we find ourselves thinking, Um, what the hell am I doing? Am I doing it right? Am I doing anything right?

Whether you are staying home for a three-month maternity/paternity leave, or you’ve made the decision to transition to stay-at-home-parent, I have a few tips to help you feel validated and supported a long the way, in spite of not having a boss around to tell you that you’re doing great.

Join a new parent support group. Your most valuable source of support and encouragement is going to be from other new parents. They are in the trenches with you and understand that you have a lot on your plate. Join a group on social media, or better yet, seek out a neighborhood play group or a Meetup group for new parents. Create your own “board meetings” with likeable people and friends who are doing the same job that you are. (Notice I said likeable people. Spending time with negative or catty individuals will not be helpful under these circumstances.)

2. Ask your partner to give you regular feedback and reassurance. It’s ok to let your husband or wife know that you might need more praise than usual. Especially if one of your love languages is words of affirmation (like me!) I crave feedback and validation, and I ask my husband regularly for it. When you are a new parent you often feel exhausted and full of self-doubt. Ask your partner to give you kudos when appropriate: a sweet note, a little card, a verbal compliment. A little bit of positive feedback will go a long way.

3. Look for non-verbal feedback from your little ones. Around 2 months old, your little one will start to smile and interact with you a bit. This is like pure gold for a new parent. There is nothing on earth like receiving your first non-gas-induced smile. Soak up the giggles, look into your little one’s eyes, and recognize that they think you are doing a great job. Of course, there will be days when they cry for hours on end or they throw a tantrum fit for a king. Remember that these are not signs that you are doing a bad job – kids will be kids after all.

Don’t do Devil Wears Prada with yourself. Be kind!

4. Be easy on yourself. It’s true – we are all our own worst critics. With this in mind, give yourself a lot of grace. You are learning. You are growing. Things will get easier… and then hard again… and then – well, you get the picture. This will be an ongoing journey until your children fly the coop. Until then, pat yourself on the back for doing the best job you can. And as always, reach out to a counselor or a trusted individual if your self-doubt is getting the best of you. We’re here for you – there’s no need to figure all of this out on your own.

Here’s to Sanity and Being Your Own Boss,

Kirsten

5 Tips for Parenting through the Storm

November 15, 2016 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Updated February 2017: Since the new year is turning out to be just as intense as 2016, I updated this article and added one extra tip.

OK, 2016 is proving itself to be a pretty intense year… and it isn’t even over yet. News from around the world has been bleak. With multiple mass shootings and other incidents of violence around the country, the headlines in the States haven’t been much better. Regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum, the 2016 presidential campaigns and election were downright traumatic.

As a result, I’ve observed a wide range of emotions in my counseling clients over the last few weeks: frustration, grief, anxiety and rage, to name a few. Many of my clients have entered my office in tears. A few have asked me, How in the world do you parent your two young boys through some of these days?

My answer? Parenting is actually a source of solace and sanity for me. It is one constant in my life that I can always count on. It can still be challenging at times, considering the current state of affairs. But I’ve figure out some ways to manage the hardest moments. Here are my tips for weathering the storm as a parent, when you are feeling completely overwhelmed by the news of the day:

1. Don’t Shelter From All

From a very, very young age our kids are picking up on our emotions. They see us when we are sad or angry. They watch how we work through our feelings and reactions. They observe how we soothe ourselves, how we turn to others, how we talk to our partners and how we make plans for moving forward. Our kids learn about disappointment and loss, that life doesn’t always goes as expected. But they also learn about emotional intelligence, resilience and hope. In many cases, they see us fighting and advocating for what we believe is right. My advice? Don’t feel like you have to keep your eyes dry or your TV turned off whenever your kids are in the room. It is beneficial for them to see you being human and see your response to what’s happening in the world.

That being said….

2. Find a Balance in Exposure

Yes, our kids benefit from being exposed to current events and our emotional response. But there is also a fine line between teaching and traumatizing. Remember that very young children have a hard time differentiating between imagined or exaggerated threats and real threats. If they hear enraged and inflammatory language, if they view violent images on the TV, if they see us crying non-stop, they can begin to feel like the world is going to cease to exist. It can feel quite traumatic for them — they can feel unsafe.

The same goes for us.

If we expose ourselves to too much hate-filled talk, conflict and violence, we can also spiral into depression and despondency. My advice? Limit your exposure to the news and angry rhetoric. Shut off social media when you need to. And monitor how much you are processing the news around your kids. Take breaks when needed and go back to the daily activities that bring you solace… which takes me to my next point.

3. Find Peace in Your Routines and Rituals

The great thing about having kids, whether they are a newborn or a teenager, is that they keep you busy. Regardless of how discouraged or irate you are feeling, you still have to breastfeed, do laundry, read books at bedtime and tuck little ones in. Even when the political rhetoric reaches an all time low, you still have to drive the carpool, show up for work and wash the dishes.

Kids also bring you back to soothing rituals. Yesterday I was in my favorite grocery store, Central Market, when I spotted a big display of $2.49 chocolate Advent calendars. They had the same colorful Santa-themed prints on them that they have had for the last five years. My face lit up. We still have a few weeks before the start of December, but I bounced over to the display and bought five. Two for my boys, and three for anyone else I can bestow them on. Yes, the chocolates are tiny and crappy, but my kids really, really look forward to opening a chocolate surprise for 24 mornings in December. It is these small traditions, these tiny pleasures that keep us going when we feel defeated. Seek out your family rituals and routines. Find peace in the sameness of your days and years.

4. Choose A Few Actions or Causes to Focus Your Energy On

You are a busy parent, and you don’t have a lot of free time. But you want to feel like you are doing something, like you are contributing. My suggestion is to choose one or two causes to devote your energy to so that you don’t get overwhelmed. And then do small (or big) actions whenever you can squeeze them in. Make a call to a senator, write a letter to a public official, show up to a rally or write a check to an organization that you support. Don’t beat yourself up or overextend yourself if you have limited time and energy. Involve your kids if appropriate – they will remember the actions that you take when fighting for something you believe in for the rest of their lives.

5. Make Self-Care a Priority, More Than Ever

I touched on this during my first point, but I’ll say it again: our kids are watching how we sooth and take care of ourselves when we are upset. They learn SO much about self-care and boundaries from their parents.

Knowing this, please take care of yourself.

Go to bed early, get together with friends, go to a place of worship, schedule a massage or do whatever feels comforting to you. This will allow you to stay fully present with your children. It will also allow you to march on with whatever campaign you have aligned yourself with and to participate in your relationships and your job. If you feel like you are fighting depression or extreme anxiety, don’t hesitate to reach out to a counselor. Reach out to me! I will tell you what I tell all of my clients: You are not alone. You are definitely not alone…

Here’s to Sanity and Sameness,

Kirsten

An Army of Moms & The Hashtag #meditateonthis

January 30, 2016 By: babyproofedparentscomment

This week an influential health panel, the US Preventive Services Task Force, issued new recommendations regarding maternal mental health, stating that all women should be screened for depression during pregnancy and after childbirth.

Mothers and mental health care providers everywhere rejoiced. Being a mom and a therapist myself, I was doubly overjoyed. Ten years ago, I was a new parent who was shocked at how little questioning and support I received regarding my postpartum mental health from both my obstetrician and pediatrician. They gladly gave me info on my healing episiotomy and my clumsy breastfeeding technique, but they seemed to quickly change the subject when I brought up the anxiety or postpartum distress I was experiencing.

Things have improved in the last ten years. More and more new mothers with perinatal mood disorders are referred to me for professional counseling via their doctor or their insurance provider. More childbirth educators and birth professionals are coaching their clients on how to care for their emotional and relationship health prior to bringing a baby into the world. Thanks to organizations like Postpartum Progress and Postpartum Support International, awareness is building and PPD is losing its stigma and gaining support.

But we still have a long way to go. Studies suggest that one in seven, and possibly as many as one in five women develop symptoms of depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, psychosis or a mixture of all four during pregnancy or after childbirth. Many mothers, as many as 70%, are left undiagnosed and untreated. Some women lose their life as a result.

Knowing these facts, it makes sense that an army of indignant parents responded to Marianne Williamson, a New York Times bestselling spiritual author and speaker, when she tweeted the following earlier this week:

U.S. Preventive Services Task Force says pregnant women should be “screened for depression.” How many on Task Force on big pharma payroll??

And then, in later comments, followed up with this:

Hormonally created, normal mood swings during and after pregnancy are not a disease. Meditation helps. Prayer helps. Love helps.

You might wonder why a few tweets from Williamson caught so much attention. The truth is that her comments are representative of a more widely-held opinion that postpartum mood disorders are simply a normal part of parenthood. Many believe that long-lasting depression or anxiety is only experienced by mothers who are not taking care of themselves or are weak.

The backlash was immediate and fierce. “Warrior moms” lead by the passionate Postpartum Progress founder, Katherine Stone, filled the Twitter-sphere with hundreds of comments accompanied by the hashtag #meditateonthis. Their statements argued that postpartum depression is an extremely serious, sometimes fatal condition that frequently calls for more than meditation, prayer and love.

Aarti Sequeira ‏(@aartipaarti): Wow @marwilliamson. Have you suffered from PPD? It is so much more than a “rough day”.

Alena (@Alena29): The bonus benefit to screenings is educating doctors and breaking down doors to get information in more hands. #meditateonthis

TiffanyDolci (@TiffanyDolci): @marwilliamson #meditateonthis I would not be here today to fight the #stigma you’re creating without my #medication #ppd

Amanda Magee (@AmandaMagee): If you hurt, there’s pain If you ache, there are wounds Need help? You deserve help You aren’t broken, you are fixable. #meditateonthis

Katherine Stone (‏@postpartumprog): Every #PPD mom doesn’t need medication. But she does need to be recognized. And helped. #meditateonthis

These women (and a few men) brilliantly and fiercely argued that PPD is about more than feeling a little sad. While “baby blues” are a common hormonal adjustment that typically last no more than two weeks, perinatal mental illness is vastly more critical and can have devastating consequences if left untreated.

I can vouch for this. I’ve worked with hundreds of women who have sat in tears in my office discussing the emotional difficulties they are experiencing during a pregnancy or following the birth of a child. Yes, meditation and mindfulness can help. Yes, prayer, yoga and of course, love can ease someone down the path to recovery. But there are times when a more serious intervention is called for. Cognitive-behavioral therapy, medication and sometimes hospitalization might be necessary and even life saving.

If I could chat with Williamson, I would share the story of a mother in my community who suffered from postpartum psychosis. Her house was full of loving family members who were offering her support and prayer. Tragically, this women’s obsessive thoughts and delusional thinking led her to hang herself in her bathroom, whilst her family was in the living room, giving her a breather from caring for her newborn. It’s impossible to ask “what if?” questions after a shattering loss such as this, but the ultimate hope is that more screening of women will lead to more immediate treatment and less pain and heartache for families every where.

Postpartum depression and other perinatal mood disorders are serious business. We CANNOT afford to go backward in our efforts to destigmatize this condition, raise awareness and make diagnosis and treatment more available to women every where. As Avital N. Nathman from The Mama Festo tweeted:

A call for more screening DOES NOT = more meds. It means more providers being trained properly to look for #PPD & help #meditateonthis

Who can possibly argue against that?

You Are Entering The Baby Time Zone

January 26, 2016 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Ever notice how young children measure time with holidays and seasons? Ask a child about the calendar and they’ll tell you the special occasion they’re looking forward to next and what kind of fun and sweets will accompany it. They determine seasons by what is thrown on them as they walk out the door — a coat and knitted hat or sunscreen and bug spray. For little ones, summer is sort of that magical combination of both season and holiday — a long expanse of nothingness, filled with weekly swimming excursions and occasional periods of blessed boredom.

Then you become an adult and time conveniently organizes itself into neat and tidy rows on the wall calendar. Boredom is replaced with ‘To Do’ lists and stress. Your life morphs into five-day stretches, cushioned by weekends on either side, serving as much needed restorative bookends. A day timer or calendar app becomes your compass. Life feels scheduled, predictable and somewhat controllable.

Until you have a baby.

Bring a baby into the world, and you enter an entirely different time zone. The calendar and all it represents cease to have meaning.

You get a preview of this new time zone when you go into labor and every minute counts. Minutes between contractions. Minutes of pain. Minutes of pushing and pushing and pushing. The exact minute that your baby exits your womb, whether through C-section or through your cervix, is recorded in ink on paper.

Never has a moment in time meant so much. It marks the beginning of a new life for both you and your baby.

For the first few weeks with your newborn, standard time goes out the window. Days and nights are flipped. Hours fly by as you gaze at your little miracle. Minutes of sleep are welcome and crying spells seem to last for ages.

And then slowly, you and your little person settle down into 45 or 90 minute increments of nursing, sleeping and playing. Despite these repetitive activities, your schedule remains unpredictable and irregular. There are days when time creeps by, and you wonder how you can already be on your third meal by 10am. Many mothers find themselves staring at the clock, counting the minutes until their husband gets home from the office. After working in a bustling career, a day with an infant can feel never ending.

Don’t get too comfy. There will also be days when the hours stream by and you barely make it to the bathroom. When your partner walks in the door, you greet them in unchanged pajamas with a grimace that says, “Don’t even ask…” The dishes are unwashed. Dinner is definitely not made. Brownie points if you’ve brushed your hair or fed yourself. These days of nothing accomplished can feel overwhelming for women who took pride in being especially productive and efficient before becoming a mother. If you can remind yourself that ALL new parents have days like this, that you have the rest of your life to wash dishes, you’ll be a lot better off.

Here’s the deal: When we fly to another continent, we prepare ourselves for the jet lag. We give ourselves time to adjust to the new time zone and often add in hours for extra sleep. I always encourage expectant parents to consider making the same mental preparations before they have a baby. You are not only entering a new time zone, you are entering a new way of being. Be patient with yourself and the clock. If you can find a way to enjoy the zany time warp, do it. Howl at the moon since you are the only one up at 3am. Binge watch Netflix at 10 am, because you can.

Slowly, gradually your days will be more predictable. It will become easier to block out time for self-care and socializing. The calendar will take on a new relevance and you can resume tracking events on your day timer. In the meantime, enjoy this schedule-free time. Before you know it, your life outside of home will be jam-packed full again.

Here’s to Sanity and Day Timers,

Kirsten

Photo Credit: massonforstock / 123RF Stock Photo

How Do You Fret? The 8 Types of New Parent Worries :: Monday Musing

August 31, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Anxiety is a completely normal part of being a new parent. In fact, the worrying often begins before your child ever enters this world. During my first pregnancy, I remember being in a constant state of wonder. Wondering if my baby was healthy. Wondering if I would carry him full-term. Wondering if the birth would go as planned with no complications. So many things to wonder and fret about. It is enough to make the most Zen person in the world feel a little nutty.

After the baby arrives, many parents find themselves feeling anxious about a whole new class of concerns. I like to categorize these fears into 8 categories. I’ve listed the worries below with tips for combatting them (and experts to turn to when you need more help):

1. Control: Before we become parents, most of us feel an illusion of control. You control when you eat, when you sleep and how you take care of yourselves. When you conceive a child, you might suddenly feel like you are driving blind. You can’t see what is going on in your belly and you are expected to trust – that everything is OK. When the baby enters the world, no matter how much you want breastfeeding, sleeping and pooping to go exactly as planned, it often doesn’t. For anyone who considers themself to be a “control freak” (ahem… ME), life with a newborn can feel like unpredictable mayhem.

Suggestion: This is a great opportunity to surrender some of the control you have always grasped onto. Children force us to let go, follow our instincts and trust that we are going to figure things out as we go along. Things might not always go as planned, but they almost always turn out to be just fine. Reach out for help and guidance when needed. You don’t have to run this show completely on your own.

2. Safety: I visited a friend this summer who had a sweet, nine month old baby. She showed me this amazing mesh mattress in the baby’s crib that is supposed to reduce the risk of SIDS and suffocation. Listening to her talk about crib safety, I was reminded of my own safety-related fears. Fears of electrocution, strangulation, suffocation and on and on. If you read the multiple pages of warnings on all of your baby products, it makes you want to enclose your baby in a protective bubble.

Suggestion: Remind yourself that decades of statistics and research have gone into the development of most baby products. And if they prove to not be completely safe, they are quickly recalled. Read the guidelines, baby proof your home and then remind yourself that you kiddo is actually pretty sturdy. Staring at the baby monitor non-stop will often create more anxiety, so give your eyes and mind a rest when needed.

3. Germs & Illness: Most of us new parents get a big scare about germs immediately after our baby is born. We are cautioned to not let our little infant be held by anyone who is sick. We are also cautioned to not take them out and about until they are completely sturdy and immunized. Although this is wise advice, it is enough to make most moms want to hide in a cave with their infant and drench any visitors in hand sanitizer.

Suggestions: Follow your health care provider’s guidelines. But when you are given the go ahead to get out and about, do so! The fresh air and companionship will be good for both you and baby. Plus, many healthcare experts agree that exposing your older baby to germs and even illness is exactly what helps them to build a strong immune system.

4. Schedules: I made the mistake of reading The Baby Whisperer Book before the birth of my 2^nd baby. After studying the prescribed sleep plan, I was determined to get my new baby on a very structured sleeping schedule from a very young age. Ummm, no. The more I tried to force my little guy on some sort of schedule, the more he fought it and the more anxious both of us became. That wasn’t the only schedule I felt anxious about; I was also closely watching the clock when it came to feeding and pooping.

Suggestions: Some babies fall very easily into a predictable structured schedule. Some babies, whether it be due to illness, colic, or temperament, will be all over the place at first. Don’t stress out too much about keeping things precisely on time. Most babies will eventually ease themselves into a somewhat steady schedule. Until then, go with the flow and reach out for help if you are feeling like you or your baby aren’t getting enough sleep or nourishment. (Reach out to our favorite sleep consultant, Lori at Strong Little Sleepers if needed.)

5. Comparisons: New parents are notorious for playing the comparison game. We watch when our friends’ babies roll over, sit up and walk. And then we compare them to our own babies. Both of my boys were late when it came to crawling and walking. But you know what? Now I can’t hold them back from running all over the neighborhood.

Suggestion: Resist the urge to compare. Just don’t. Babies all evolve and develop at their own pace. Remind yourself that everything and everyone tends to even out in the end. If you have concerns about your child’s development, express them to your pediatrician.

6. The “Right Way”: With my first baby in particular, I really wanted to do things the right way. Don’t ask me what that meant. I guess I wanted to follow some sort of best practices. The problem is that no one can agree on what those best practices are. Each baby book is slightly different. Each baby, home and set of circumstances is very different.

Suggestions: Find books, educators and providers that feel like a fit for you. Follow their suggestions, but remember that you will have to adjust as you go. No one will know your baby better than you do. Ultimately, you will become the expert on what is the right thing for your little one.

7. “Good Baby”: I hear new parents say this all the time: “She/he is a really good baby.” I cringe a little when I hear this because I wonder what it means to have a baby that is not good or a baby that is bad. Parents who have babies with colic or reflux may feel like they have failed in producing an easy infant. But that doesn’t mean that their baby is bad or a failure.

Suggestions: Babies are born with little individual temperaments. They also encounter challenges such as food intolerances and growth spurts. Resist the urge to slap any kind of label on your little one. Some of the most challenging newborns turn out to be the most angelic toddlers.

8. Feeding: This is a very common source of anxiety for new parents. When you start out with breastfeeding, it is tricky to know if your little one is getting enough nourishment. A lot of trust and practice is involved. Later when your baby starts solids, you might find yourself asking the same questions again: Is my little one getting enough food? Is she/he growing and thriving? How much is the right amount?

Suggestions: If you’re taking your little one to regular wellness checks, your doctor will be able to tell you if your baby is where they need to be. Usually they are. But if feeding is a constant source of anxiety for you, do not hesitate to reach out for more assistance or just plain reassurance. Brian the Birth Guy is one of our favorite lactation consultants. And Cheryl from Taste & See Healthy Baby Food is an excellent resource when is comes to solids.

Although some anxiety is a normal part of new parenthood, and will typically decrease with time, there are a small portion of new parents who find their worries growing until they are feel out of control. If your anxiety is interfering with your sleep or daily functioning, don’t feel like you have to cope on your own. Reach out for help and get the support you need. Both you and your baby will benefit.

Here’s to Sanity and Reaching Out,

Kirsten

7 Universal Truths of Parenting a Newborn :: Monday Musing

July 6, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

When you have a new baby, you realize a few things: Every birth story is unique. Every newborn has his/her own little personality and individual needs. Each couple goes about the task of parenting in their own customized way. In spite of all of these differences, there are seven truths that almost all new parents will encounter. We list them out here and give you suggestions for dealing with them:

1. You’ll be sleep-deprived for a period of time. Newborns have to eat throughout the night. Sleep patterns don’t get established for several months. Your normal sleep patterns will be disturbed. Suggestions: Take naps and sleep when you can. Take turns getting up with the baby. Remind yourself that things will improve.

2. You will have to work as a team more than ever. A new baby is a two-person job. While one person changes a diaper, the other one can make coffee. While one rests, the other can hold the newborn. Suggestions: View your new infant as a team project. You two can take on this challenge together and you will be stronger as a couple as a result. If you are a single parent, surround yourself with supportive helpers who can give you breaks when needed.

3. There will be a learning curve. Both you and your baby have to figure out how things are going to work. Things won’t go perfectly at first… and every time you get something sorted out, everything will change. Suggestions: Be patient with yourself, your partner and your baby. Don’t expect things to run completely smoothly right off the bat.

4. You and your partner will feel closer than ever at times and more distant than ever at times. Seeing your partner care for an infant is a beautiful thing, and you might find yourself feeling more attracted than ever. On the other hand, a newborn requires a lot of attention, which takes time away from connecting with each other. Suggestions: Connect with each other when you can. A hug. A cuddle on the couch. Remind yourself and your partner that this is all temporary!

5. There will be emotional ups and downs. Hormones, sleep-deprivation, frustration and anxiety can make both parents (but especially mom) feel emotional. This is normal and will get better with time. Suggestions: Let the feelings flow and offer each other comfort and understanding. If feelings of depression or anxiety seem insurmountable, talk to your doctor or a counselor.

6. Your parenting will be influenced by the parenting you received. Your parents were your first role model. Sometimes this creates anxiety if your childhood was less than perfect or if your relationship is strained with your parents. Other times, you might feel confidence and optimism – perhaps you have super fond memories of your childhood. Know that your feelings about parenting, negative or positive, were influenced by your childhood, but that you can mold yourself into the parent you want to be. Suggestions: Decide how you want to do things differently and how you want to do things exactly the same.

7. Things will get easier. They will. As the months and years pass by, you will have more time to yourself and more time with each other. And you will appreciate it more than ever. You will also feel more confident as a parent. Give yourself a high five for becoming a parent! You can do this.

Here’s to Sanity and The Universe,

Kirsten

Postpartum Survival Guide :: Wednesday Wisdom

May 27, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

This invaluable list of suggestions for new parents was originally posted on the Austin Born Blog. We loved it so much, we asked if we could share it with our followers. The list was compiled by a group of new mothers who were attending The Circle, a postpartum group offered for when motherhood is not Pinterest perfect.

This new motherhood gig can be tough — we believe that support from our peers is an important part of working through the struggles and ultimately finding joy. At the last Circle meetup, we talked about how a mother is born every time that a first baby is born. In spite of this truth, becoming a mother is not always something that happens simply and effortlessly. In fact, we are finding that giving birth to this new aspect of our identities is a lot more challenging than we thought it would be, back in our pre-baby days. We all spent a lot of time preparing for the birth of our babies–we took classes, hired doulas, read books, bought stuff–but so little time and energy preparing our selves to become mothers. We wanted to offer some advice to our friends who haven’t had their babies yet, so they could be a bit more prepared than we were. Here is our collective wisdom, from some new mamas to soon-to-be mamas:

Plan.

Don’t wait to figure it out on the fly. Don’t obsess about the birth to the exclusion of what comes after. The birth is one day (maybe two), but your baby will be yours for the rest of your life.

Start now reflecting on your needs and planning ahead for the weeks and months after baby. Think, “Who am I? What things do I need to have space and time to do to feel like myself?” This could be anything from time to read the New York Times on Sunday morning to a chance to go to Target by yourself to whatever floats your boat. What do you need to feel like you? Communicate this to your partner and make it a priority after baby.

Find help and outsource what you can before baby arrives.

Find a new mom group and a lactation consultant before you desperately need them and are too tired and frazzled to search.

Instead of a lot of cute onesies, register for things like a prepared meal service, diaper service, cleaning service, postpartum doula care, and new mom group fees (such as an AustinMama Pass or Partners in Parenting). This kind of stuff is going to help you a lot more than 20 receiving blankets.

Slow down.

You are not going to bounce back to your old life anytime soon after giving birth. You will have more on your plate than you can imagine right now, and the demands of your baby will at times seem overwhelming. Do not expect to do everything or even most things you used to do.

Celebrate the small achievements.

Driving alone with baby for the first time. Waking up before your baby does without panicking that she/he has stopped breathing. Brushing your teeth and taking a shower before noon. Right now you can’t imagine how enormous these accomplishments will seem to you, but when they come, celebrate them. Tell yourself what an amazing job you are doing, and be proud.

Tell your friends to keep calling you.

Sometimes a big gulf can open up between friends-who-are-now-moms and friends-who-are-child-free. This doesn’t have to be so, and no one really wants it to happen. So tell your friends to keep inviting you to things, but to not take it personally or give up asking if you decline the invitation 9 times out of 10. It is nice to know that people still want you around.

You can’t win.

No matter what choice you make, there will be guilt and blame. If you choose to stay home with your child and not return to paid work right away, you will miss being with people and feeling the sense of accomplishment you used to feel at your job well done. If you choose to return to your outside job, you will feel guilty about leaving your child with others and even about enjoying your time away. This is just one hot-button example, but there are a million parenting decisions to make about feeding/sleeping/diapering/training/clothing/whatever your child, and there will always be a voice in your head and several voices around you telling you that you have chosen wrongly. You have to decide what is right for you, and tell everyone (including your own inner guilt-voice) to shut up.

Every baby is different, and everyone has their own story.

No one has all the answers, because your relationship with your baby is unique. Reading too many baby-care books and mommy blogs can make you crazy. Be kind to yourself. Also be kind to other moms, because you have no idea what they are dealing with. And if you end up caring for your newborn in a way you did not envision yourself doing it, don’t feel guilty. Cut yourself a break, and remember that you are doing the best you can with what you’ve got.

It does get better.

Every new mom struggles with something — don’t believe that anyone’s social media account tells the whole story. What we all put on Facebook is the highlight reel of our lives. It is not reality.

The days of new parenthood are loooooooooong, but with time you will find your way out of the haze and feel more and more like yourself again. Finding community and reminding yourself that you are not alone in this helps tremendously. At least it has for us!

If you live in Austin and would like to get more of this ongoing support and wisdom, consider putting an AustinMama Pass from Austin Born on your registry. Try all the groups, and find the one that meets your needs. Thanks again to the new mamas and doulas at Austin Born for sharing their wisdom and support! – C & K ♥

Laugh and Laugh Often :: Tuesday Tip

April 28, 2015 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

When my newborn son and I were still figuring out breastfeeding, I realized that I was going to be spending a lot of time awake… in the middle of the night… by myself… in the dark. At first, I tried to fight through my sleepiness while I made sure that my new baby’s latch was correct and he was continuing to feed. But later, I found myself creeping downstairs and quietly flipping on the TV. Why not be entertained while I nursed? I reasoned.

It was during this time that I discovered the power of laughter. Yes, I was sleep deprived. Yes, I felt very anxious about whether my newborn baby was gaining weight. But I quickly found that if I pre-recorded a movie or TV show to watch, and made it a comedy or perhaps a romantic flick with some humor, I woke up feeling lighter and more positive the next day. If Jimmy Fallon had been at the helm of the Tonight Show in 2005, he would have been on my DVR every night.

Most of us are aware that prolonged stress has a direct impact on our health and emotional well-being. There is now considerable research that suggests that laughter lowers Cortisol levels and stimulates the immune system, off-setting the negative effects of stress. (Patty Wooton, Humour: An Antidote for Stress) In fact, Norman Cousins is famous for the “laughter-therapy” he used to cure himself of a debilitating disease in the late 1970’s. By prescribing himself a regimen of Marx Brother’s movies and Candid Camera episodes, he was able to eliminate all symptoms of his condition. That’s powerful stuff!

Research or no research, I can personally vouch for laughter being a great thing when you have a newborn, toddler, or kiddo of any age. It is very easy to take life very seriously when you are figuring out how to be a parent. Sometimes we have to step back and laugh at the stream of pee that just landed in our face or the projectile spit-up that just adorned our clean sweater. Sometimes we just have to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all, and know these messy, crazy-making moments are fleeting.

Laugh with your partner. Laugh with your friends. Laugh with your kids. Or laugh by yourself in the middle of the night. You’ll be glad that you did, I promise.

Tips For Sanity:

Laughter really can be the best medicine.
Find what makes YOU laugh, no matter how insane.
Find humor in the chaos… whenever you can. Spit up all over your face? Bahahaha!

“The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.” – E. E. Cummings

Here’s to Sanity & Jimmy Fallon,

Kirsten

A Workout for Busy Moms :: Wednesday Wisdom

April 1, 2015 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

Meet Allison Lambert. She is an ACE certified personal trainer, former psychology teacher and college athlete. Her desire to help women get healthy lead her to create The Fit Tutor, an online fitness service for women. Some personal trainers wear camo pants, yell a lot, or show off their six-packs to motivate their clients. Not Allison. She believes in eating chocolate, buying lots of shoes, and encouraging clients by walking along side of them on their fitness journey. She uses her knowledge and enthusiasm to help women feel confident and overcome any fear of working out. We were so interested to chat with Allison because her inexpensive, at-home fitness programs are perfect for the busy mom who wants to start making self-care more of a priority. Getting to the gym can be challenging when you have a young child – Allison brings the gym to you.

BPP: Your website provides a really unique service: affordable online fitness regimens coupled with personal training. How did you decide to launch The Fit Tutor? What was your inspiration?

AL: My passion is to help women be strong, confident, and healthy. My heart breaks every time I see someone start and stop an exercise regime because it was too hard or time consuming. I see this a lot with popular exercise videos or even pins on Pinterest. I talk with women all the time who want to lose weight and get stronger, but they feel like they don’t have time, don’t know what to do, or can’t afford a trainer.

My desire is to make healthy living attainable so women can look and feel their best! The Fit Tutor provides good, safe instruction, and the ability to workout when it fits in your schedule.

BPP: What are the advantages to signing up with the Fit Tutor vs. signing up with a bootcamp, local personal trainer or a gym?

AL: I personally disliked paying for a gym membership only to have to go through the hassle of getting there on a busy day and then waiting for equipment. I actually just quit my gym this year, and have been working out way more consistently at home. The Fit Tutor helps minimize excuses to skip a workout. (See her article “15 Reason to Work Out at Home”)

As a personal trainer, I think there’s nothing better than working one-on-one with someone. In reality, that’s just not doable for everyone. With The Fit Tutor you get demonstrations, modifications, and workouts designed by a trainer that are really effective! And you definitely don’t have to pay the price of a trainer. We also offer nutrition coaching, accountability, and your own personal cheering section, too.

Boot camps are awesome and fun, but they can be hard to stick with. They start and stop, so every few months you have to find that self-control, determination and a large amount of money upfront to decide to keep going. You usually don’t get the individualized instruction you need for a safe and effective workout, either. With The Fit Tutor, you still get community, effective workouts, and accountability, but it’s easier on your bank account and better for the longevity of your workout regime.

BPP: I’m sure that a lot of people are curious about how The Fit Tutor provides personal training services online. How do you stay connected to your clients?

AL: This is by far my favorite part of running The Fit Tutor. I reach out to all members by email when they sign up, and I continue our contact based on the client’s needs and wants via email or other social media. Some people prefer to be left alone, but most want more contact for encouragement, accountability, questions or nutrition coaching. My favorite is our Facebook accountability group. It’s a fun group of women of all levels and walks of life who encourage and check in with each other!

BPP: What are the hesitations or concerns that you hear most frequently from potential clients about signing up for an exercise program? How do you answer these concerns?

AL: Most people I talk with are concerned about failure – whether it’s not having enough time, not being able to do something, or doing but not succeeding. We offer workouts in as little as four minutes, so I encourage people that they DO have the time. I’ve worked with personal training clients in every condition, and I’ve tried to make the beginner exercises doable for people who have never worked, just had a baby, or might be arthritic, obese, etc..

My programs are effective, and doing them combined with our nutrition coaching, I think it would be hard to fail. They might not lose weight as fast as they’d like to, but I’m committed to helping each woman succeed.

You being healthy and energetic is such a gift to your family. It’s worth pushing through whatever fears you have to make this a priority.

BPP: Are your workouts appropriate for someone who has never exercised before? If so, how do you introduce them to exercise?

AL: Yes! I’ve designed each video to be helpful for someone who has never done strength training before. Each video shows an example along with demonstration, so there’s no question on how to perform each exercise. The best way to start for someone new to exercising is our Beginner Get Fit program. It starts you off slow and has a good combination of learning new exercises plus repeating others so you can see your progress.

BPP: What kind of equipment do your clients need to do the workouts in their own home?

AL: All you need is the Internet and a pair of dumbbells. A yoga mat is helpful, but not necessary. Every exercise is performed with either body weight or dumbbells.

Strength training is one of the most effective and efficient ways to lose weight, so our workouts focus on strength training (without getting bulky) and at-home cardio routines to help shed fat.

BPP: Many of your members are mothers. Can your workouts be done with babies or older children in the home? Do you incorporate stress-reducing exercises/suggestions (because you know we mothers can benefit!)

AL: Yes! Many moms have said they do workouts during nap time, or out in the yard during playtime, or even with their kids crawling all over them. I’ve sent moms workouts they can do using their kids as the weight, and have received awesome videos of kids doing exercises right alongside the parents. Teaching children that exercise and health matter is so important, and it’s healthy for them to see Mom making her health a priority. Strength training is a great stress reducer, and we also have yoga cool-downs to help for those who are extra stressed.

BPP: Does the Fit Tutor have tailored work-outs for expectant moms? How about couples?

AL: Expecting moms can usually do all of the beginner exercises, with the exception of core work. For now, I’m working one-on-one (via email) with expecting moms, putting together a few workouts and videos to help them with what they can and cannot do. I have a section for pregnancy workouts by trimester in the making, and I’m so excited to have this section finished!

Although there’s nothing specific to couples, every workout can be done with a friend. I love getting messages from members who say they did a Fit Tutor workout with their husband or boyfriend.

BPP: You have some really interesting nutrition, food and wellness-related articles on your blog. Are these topics that you incorporate into your personal training?

AL: Yes, because I believe the best results come from both nutrition and exercise. I currently offer nutrition coaching based on small, healthy changes that add up over the long run. I think that’s important for parents especially, because totally overhauling your diet can be overwhelming. I also believe it’s important to have a healthy body image and a healthy relationship with food, and I help clients deal with these issues as they arise.

BPP: Does the Fit Tutor have programs tailored for weight loss? Do they get advice from a dietician?

AL: We have several Get Fit Programs, with more in the making. Our current Get Fit Programs are 8 weeks long and are designed to gain strength and jump start your weight loss. These programs, coupled with the nutrition coaching, can be powerful in achieving your goals! The Fit Tutor focuses on making fitness and healthy eating a lifestyle, so we incorporate different types of workouts for any schedule, as well as accountability for those who need that type of help.

As of next month, I will be a certified nutrition coach and will start incorporating meal plans for an extra charge, but the nutrition coaching is included in the membership price.

BPP: If you have to give one piece of sanity-saving advice to a new mom, what would it be?

AL: I tell moms all the time to not stress about getting their bodies back. I believe your body is already incredible because it grew and birthed a human! I help moms focus on doing what they can with eating healthy and exercising during this crazy adjustment time in their lives. In time you can and will look great again, but making that a focus or setting unrealistic expectations can only cause more stress and negative emotions. Do what you can and breathe a sigh of relief.

Thank you Allison for sharing about your unique and accessible fitness service. One of the goals of this blog is to connect our readers and subscribers with resources that will make life easier, healthier and happier. You are definitely one of those amazing resources. – C&K ♥

Check out Allison’s info packed blog at: http://thefittutor.com/blog/

Learn more about her online fitness services and free trial: http://thefittutor.com/

Follow her on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/fittutor

Kicking Parenting Shame to the Curb :: Monday Musing

March 9, 2015 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

My eyes tend to wander when I’m in the grocery store check-out line. Typically, I’m scanning the magazines and tabloids, catching up on two minutes of trashy news while I wait. The other day, something else caught my attention. I noticed a couple in the check out line next to me, waiting for their groceries to be bagged and loaded up. They had a double stroller with them, the kind that fits two infant car seats.

One infant was nestled all snug in her car seat. The other infant, let’s call him Twin #2, was strapped to mom in a baby carrier. Twin #2, who looked to be about two-months-old, was clearly done with shopping. He was screaming as loudly as his little two-month-old lungs could manage. My eyes drifted to the parents. Their faces revealed a combination of emotions: embarrassment, stress, exhaustion and frustration. I could almost read their thoughts. Ugh, why did we think this was a good idea to bring both babies to the store? It’s just a matter of time before Twin #1 starts crying. And we’re stuck at the grocery store with no place to nurse. What were we thinking?

I wanted to leap across the check-out lane and give them a high-five. “Hey! You braved the wilderness with your infant twins and took them on an outing together. Good for you. Sure, your baby is crying, but none of us mind. You can’t stay cooped up in the house all of the time waiting for the day that they don’t cry any more. Come and hang out in the grocery store any time with those sweeties… it’s baby happy hour in here.”

Instead, I stayed quiet. I was quite sure that the mom and dad, with their furrowed brows, were not in the mood for my cheerleading that morning.

The incident triggered several memories for me, memories of parenting tension and shame.

I remembered feeling tense when my husband and I decided to take our newborn out on a dinner date with us. I couldn’t relax because I was eying the infant carrier the entire time, waiting for our little guy to wake up screaming. I recalled feeling pressure when my milk wouldn’t let down for my hungry 5-month-old baby and I had a whole dinner party waiting on me. I also remembered feeling shame when I was juggling both a tantruming toddler and a crying infant in the cereal aisle at the grocery store. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

Here’s what I’ve learned since then: Babies cry. Toddlers have fits. Parents are imperfect. When we recognize and accept these universal truths, it makes parenting a whole lot easier.

My advice to the parents of those twins? Get out and about and ditch the embarrassment. Allow your babies to be babies, and allow yourself to be human. The rest of us are busy reading about the Kardashian’s in the express lane and not bothered at all by your baby’s crying. Or we’re dealing with our own fussy little one, completely preoccupied. Parenting is all about trial and plenty of error. The trick is to give ourselves and our babies loads of grace as we work through the trials and embrace the errors.

Here’s to Sanity and Tabloids,

Kirsten

Mommy Posture and Other Signs of Martyrdom :: Monday Musing

February 2, 2015 By: babyproofedparents5 Comments

“Did you know that bass means butt, Mom?” (insert Beavis-and-Butthead-style snickers)

And that is how the latest “out of the mouths of babes” conversation began with my 6-year-old son a few weeks ago.

He was referring to Meghan Trainor’s song, “All About That Bass”, the women’s empowerment anthem that is currently playing every hour, on the hour, on Top 40 radio.

I took a deep breath and explained to my son that, “No. Bass does not mean butt. The singer is trying to say that a woman with curves is just as beautiful as any other lady. She’s arguing that heavier women have a certain ‘boom, boom, boom’, just like a bass speaker in a stereo, that makes them special. They don’t have to try hard to be super skinny like the edited images we see on TV or in magazines.”

I went on to add, “Some people might say that your mom doesn’t have a lot ‘bass’ because I’m not very curvy.”

And here’s where the conversation took an unexpected turn.

“Ummm… Yes, you DO have curves, Mom.” And he proceeded to stand up, noticeably slump his shoulders and demonstrate a posture that looks similar to this:

Oh, snap.

He’s right. I do have curves, in my slumped shoulders and my thrusting hips. My “mommy posture” is as curvy as it comes. I laughed at his comment, but I also let out a big sigh.

It was in that moment that I realized two things:

#1: My kids are watching me. It may seem like they are fully consumed with the Girl Scout cookies they are munching on or the latest addictive game on their iPad. But out of the corners of their eyes, they are observing me. They are paying close attention to how I carry myself and how I care for myself.

#2: I’m not caring for myself as well as I could. My hands show the signs of too much dish washing and not enough moisturizing. The deepening lines on my forehead give proof of the continual frowning and grimacing going on in my house. I spend my days talking to clients and other moms about the importance of self-care and yet it’s clear that I could be doing a better job of taking care of myself.

As parents, we regularly teeter on the edge of martyrdom. We have to make sacrifices in order to care for our kids – it’s part of the unwritten contract that we willingly sign when we bring a baby into this world. We give up sleep, we give up spontaneity, we give up our weekends and our nice furniture. But as Cheryl so powerfully wrote in “My Children Come First”, we shouldn’t give up caring for ourselves. As important as it is to be available to our children and tuned in to their needs, it is also important to model healthy habits and emotional wellness.

So… now that my 6-year-old has unwittingly become my latest Life Coach, I’m making a commitment to do three things:

1. Straighten up my attitude: I know for a fact that my posture reflects how I am feeling, and on too many days, I feel like this:

But the truth is, I rock as a parent. And so do you. Instead of walking around feeling (and looking) like I am carrying the entire world on my shoulders, I am committed to holding my head up high and reminding myself that I got this thing! Here’s the attitude I want to meet each day with:

Hiya! Whatcha got for me day? Cuz I’m gonna tear you up!

2) Straighten up my schedule, and block off time for self-care. As a parent, it is so easy to let the errands, chores and children take precedence over carving out time for yourself. When I was a new mom, I would occasionally ask my husband for some extra time to take a bath in peace, go to a yoga class, or meet up with a girlfriend. Self-care needed to be squeezed in where I could fit it. Now that my kids are in school, I have more leeway. Taking out time to go to the gym each day or use that unused massage gift-certificate should be a no brainer. In order to care for my kids, I have to take care of myself. A permanent spot on my daily schedule should be devoted to that.

3) Straighten up my posture: To be fair, my posture has never been great. Years of holding babies and worries have only made it worse. I’m committed to working on it now. And I’m going to start with these exercises from the amazing Allison Lambert. Stay tuned for a future Wednesday Wisdom featuring her and her empowering at-home work-outs:

My challenge to myself, and all of you, is to make self-care a priority this year. It might look like giving yourself thirty minutes each day to dive into a great novel. Or sixty minutes to go take a Mommy and Me yoga class. Regardless of how you care for yourself, you will be making yourself a priority, and that is an important thing for your kids to see. Of course, there will be those days when your shoulders are slumped from exhaustion and you can’t wait to crawl into bed. But the other days of the week, you can focus on holding your head up high and walking around like this:

I want my kids to know I got this thing.

I’ll let you know if my 6-year-old, aka Coach Elliott, gives me his stamp of posture approval.

Here’s to Strength and Boxing Gloves,

Kirsten

Alone with Baby – 3 Ways to Reduce Flying Solo Fear :: Tuesday Tip

January 27, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

My friend Val said the weirdest thing to my colicky infant daughter: “Sweet baby… I’m not afraid of you!” Once I was sure I’d heard her correctly, I realized that I was, in fact, afraid of my child. Not in a “Rosemary’s Baby” sort of way. I was afraid of my perceived lack of ability to adequately care for her. Her crying jags were starting around 2 am and lasting for a couple of hours, and the fall of night signaled another confrontation with my novice mommy status and cluelessness about how to soothe her. It was getting close to the end of visiting family, scheduled friend drop-bys, and J’s time off from his night shift. My anxiety about my first night alone with her was intensifying. We all got through it, but in retrospect, it didn’t have to be as grueling on me emotionally. Here’s what I would do differently:

1. I wouldn’t be a hero. You don’t have to do this on your own to prove your parenting ability to anyone. Delay being alone with your new baby as long as possible, and minimize how often you’re alone during the first 4 months. Other cultures have entire tribes sharing the parenting responsibility, but somewhere we got the idea that doing it alone is necessary. So much learning is taking place, and the curve is very steep. Even if everything is going well and your baby has very few adjustment issues, the weight of this new responsibility is intense. Just having someone in the house (your partner, a friend or family member, a night nanny), even if you don’t wind up needing any tangible help from them, can keep you calm and grounded.

2. I would talk through my fears with someone I trust, fast. Things rattling around in your head have a tendency to get bigger when they’re not shared. I didn’t realize how much fear I was sitting in until Val’s comment alerted me to it, which got the ball rolling. I acknowledged what was going on for me emotionally, opened up about it, and ultimately got the extra support I needed.

3. I would tell guilt to go to hell. I experienced so much pointless self-doubt and incrimination. I was convinced my daughter’s distress was my fault: not enough milk, not enough nurturing, and on really wacky nights, some sort of karmic backlash. Crap! All of it! She had colic! During the first few months, I recommend daily giving yourself a pass. Do everything you can to keep your baby and yourself safe and healthy, get help when you need it, and consider letting the rest go.

Here’s To Sanity and Tribes,

Cheryl

Cuz That’s the Way I Like It – Saying ‘Yes’ to Your Own Holiday Traditions :: Monday Musing

December 8, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Kirsten’s recent tip on “just saying no” to holiday stress raised this question for me: why is it so hard to say no, especially to extended family, especially around the holidays? When J and I first married, we had to figure out how to share holidays with two families (we had it easy – some people are pulled between more than four due to divorce, remarriage and grandparents), who lived in different parts of the country with their own unique customs. With the approval of both sides, we agreed to alternate years, Thanksgiving with one family, Christmas with the other. Both sides were very gracious about this, but I always sensed their sadness/disappointment whenever it wasn’t “their” holiday with us. This intensified when we had kids, because of the renewed magic babies bring to holiday traditions.

The Stress. Many people will say that traveling with babies shouldn’t be a “big deal” – but the car seats, gear, snacks, diapers, holiday traffic and melt-downs can make even a short trip feel like an eternity. Then, add all the overeating, gifts, expectations, family dynamics and lack of sleep. Even when things went amazingly well, we always felt exhausted, needing a few days to get back on track physically and emotionally. One year after a particularly difficult holiday, J sat me down and made a request. “Can we please do our own thing next year? Start our own traditions with our own kids in our own home?” I remember my immediate, visceral response. “There’s no way. We would hurt too many peoples’ feelings.”

When J and I divorced, it was just before Thanksgiving. That first year, we tried to keep up the traditions, visiting both sides of the family, who were also struggling with grief over the loss of our marriage. It was very painful for all of us, and wound up causing more damage than healing or comfort to everyone involved. The experience spurred long talks about the “holiday future” we want for our kids – one that does NOT include them feeling pulled between multiple homes, stuffed with rich foods, timelines and the expectations of others.

We especially don’t want them to be concerned with being “FAIR”. Oh, how I hate that word. What does it even mean? In the end, it’s not about fair. No amount of fairness or compromise will please everyone, because everyone brings so many complicated hopes and expectations to the holidays, usually based on crap that was missing for them when they were kids. If your goal is to make a bunch of people happy, you are setting yourself up to fail. Often at the expense of your own sanity (and the sanity of your kids).

What would happen if you focused instead on pleasing yourself, and your little nuclear family? I have floated this idea to a few couples in my therapy practice, and they usually exchange a stunned look, which when silent-movie-dubbed says, “Could we actually DO that???” The Sipkowski Formula (loosely based on the best traditions of friends we’ve watched who know how to enjoy life): we declared a stay-at-home, move slowly policy. We have an open invitation to extended family, but the 4 of us stay in town and keep it simple. Our tree and decorations go up a little at a time. Christmas dinner is relaxed and decadent, served on Christmas Eve. Christmas morning is coffee, a big brunch, music and opening gifts at a relaxed pace. Christmas night is my favorite part. Friends, neighbors and “orphans” come over for tacos, margaritas, and to vent about the crazy holiday they’ve just experienced, while we squeezed limes in anticipation of their
arrival. I highly, highly recommend this plan.

When you go through a major change, good or bad, every shred of available strength becomes necessary. Anything elective that drains your reserves is forced into inspection. This is possibly never more true than when you add a new life to your family. The holidays are an excellent time to practice weighing the immediate pain/anxiety of saying “no” to someone you care about against the long term relief that could come with a positive change, and the reclamation of your own time and resources. If you find yourself pulled in a million directions during the holidays, consider letting this be the first year you stop that (since you’re the only one who can).

Here’s To Sanity and Fresh Limes,

Cheryl