stress mgt | baby proofed parents

Laugh and Laugh Often :: Tuesday Tip

April 28, 2015 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

When my newborn son and I were still figuring out breastfeeding, I realized that I was going to be spending a lot of time awake… in the middle of the night… by myself… in the dark. At first, I tried to fight through my sleepiness while I made sure that my new baby’s latch was correct and he was continuing to feed. But later, I found myself creeping downstairs and quietly flipping on the TV. Why not be entertained while I nursed? I reasoned.

It was during this time that I discovered the power of laughter. Yes, I was sleep deprived. Yes, I felt very anxious about whether my newborn baby was gaining weight. But I quickly found that if I pre-recorded a movie or TV show to watch, and made it a comedy or perhaps a romantic flick with some humor, I woke up feeling lighter and more positive the next day. If Jimmy Fallon had been at the helm of the Tonight Show in 2005, he would have been on my DVR every night.

Most of us are aware that prolonged stress has a direct impact on our health and emotional well-being. There is now considerable research that suggests that laughter lowers Cortisol levels and stimulates the immune system, off-setting the negative effects of stress. (Patty Wooton, Humour: An Antidote for Stress) In fact, Norman Cousins is famous for the “laughter-therapy” he used to cure himself of a debilitating disease in the late 1970’s. By prescribing himself a regimen of Marx Brother’s movies and Candid Camera episodes, he was able to eliminate all symptoms of his condition. That’s powerful stuff!

Research or no research, I can personally vouch for laughter being a great thing when you have a newborn, toddler, or kiddo of any age. It is very easy to take life very seriously when you are figuring out how to be a parent. Sometimes we have to step back and laugh at the stream of pee that just landed in our face or the projectile spit-up that just adorned our clean sweater. Sometimes we just have to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all, and know these messy, crazy-making moments are fleeting.

Laugh with your partner. Laugh with your friends. Laugh with your kids. Or laugh by yourself in the middle of the night. You’ll be glad that you did, I promise.

Tips For Sanity:

Laughter really can be the best medicine.
Find what makes YOU laugh, no matter how insane.
Find humor in the chaos… whenever you can. Spit up all over your face? Bahahaha!

“The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.” – E. E. Cummings

Here’s to Sanity & Jimmy Fallon,

Kirsten

Cuz That’s the Way I Like It – Saying ‘Yes’ to Your Own Holiday Traditions :: Monday Musing

December 8, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Kirsten’s recent tip on “just saying no” to holiday stress raised this question for me: why is it so hard to say no, especially to extended family, especially around the holidays? When J and I first married, we had to figure out how to share holidays with two families (we had it easy – some people are pulled between more than four due to divorce, remarriage and grandparents), who lived in different parts of the country with their own unique customs. With the approval of both sides, we agreed to alternate years, Thanksgiving with one family, Christmas with the other. Both sides were very gracious about this, but I always sensed their sadness/disappointment whenever it wasn’t “their” holiday with us. This intensified when we had kids, because of the renewed magic babies bring to holiday traditions.

The Stress. Many people will say that traveling with babies shouldn’t be a “big deal” – but the car seats, gear, snacks, diapers, holiday traffic and melt-downs can make even a short trip feel like an eternity. Then, add all the overeating, gifts, expectations, family dynamics and lack of sleep. Even when things went amazingly well, we always felt exhausted, needing a few days to get back on track physically and emotionally. One year after a particularly difficult holiday, J sat me down and made a request. “Can we please do our own thing next year? Start our own traditions with our own kids in our own home?” I remember my immediate, visceral response. “There’s no way. We would hurt too many peoples’ feelings.”

When J and I divorced, it was just before Thanksgiving. That first year, we tried to keep up the traditions, visiting both sides of the family, who were also struggling with grief over the loss of our marriage. It was very painful for all of us, and wound up causing more damage than healing or comfort to everyone involved. The experience spurred long talks about the “holiday future” we want for our kids – one that does NOT include them feeling pulled between multiple homes, stuffed with rich foods, timelines and the expectations of others.

We especially don’t want them to be concerned with being “FAIR”. Oh, how I hate that word. What does it even mean? In the end, it’s not about fair. No amount of fairness or compromise will please everyone, because everyone brings so many complicated hopes and expectations to the holidays, usually based on crap that was missing for them when they were kids. If your goal is to make a bunch of people happy, you are setting yourself up to fail. Often at the expense of your own sanity (and the sanity of your kids).

What would happen if you focused instead on pleasing yourself, and your little nuclear family? I have floated this idea to a few couples in my therapy practice, and they usually exchange a stunned look, which when silent-movie-dubbed says, “Could we actually DO that???” The Sipkowski Formula (loosely based on the best traditions of friends we’ve watched who know how to enjoy life): we declared a stay-at-home, move slowly policy. We have an open invitation to extended family, but the 4 of us stay in town and keep it simple. Our tree and decorations go up a little at a time. Christmas dinner is relaxed and decadent, served on Christmas Eve. Christmas morning is coffee, a big brunch, music and opening gifts at a relaxed pace. Christmas night is my favorite part. Friends, neighbors and “orphans” come over for tacos, margaritas, and to vent about the crazy holiday they’ve just experienced, while we squeezed limes in anticipation of their
arrival. I highly, highly recommend this plan.

When you go through a major change, good or bad, every shred of available strength becomes necessary. Anything elective that drains your reserves is forced into inspection. This is possibly never more true than when you add a new life to your family. The holidays are an excellent time to practice weighing the immediate pain/anxiety of saying “no” to someone you care about against the long term relief that could come with a positive change, and the reclamation of your own time and resources. If you find yourself pulled in a million directions during the holidays, consider letting this be the first year you stop that (since you’re the only one who can).

Here’s To Sanity and Fresh Limes,

Cheryl

Just Say No to Holiday Stress :: Tuesday Tip

December 2, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

I frequently get asked if my counseling practice slows down during the holidays. The answer is No. The holiday season is notorious for being a stressful time and my clients can attest to that. Expectations are sky-high, schedules are jam-packed and family members get testy as a result of all the togetherness. Even I can feel bogged down by my mile-long To-Do list that does anything but put me in the holiday spirit.

When my husband and I started a family, I assumed that my babies were going to hand me a one-way ticket to holiday bliss. I couldn’t wait to introduce them to all of the little traditions that I remembered from childhood. My littles clearly did not feel the urgency that I did. In spite of the calendar indicating that it was a very special day, our boys still required naps, still got the sniffles, still had nuclear meltdowns and still got into squabbles. I quickly realized that I needed to simplify the holidays more than ever in order to maximize enjoyment and minimize stress.

When you are a new parent, here are some things you might want to Just Say NO To:

Traveling back and forth between separate family events on the same day.
Lugging the whole family to faraway destinations to celebrate with distant relatives.
Feeling like you have to keep up with everybody’s extravagant gift giving. (Consider asking friends and family to set a price limit, do a gift exchange or skip gifts for adults all together.)
Hosting the whole clan at your house (including your single neighbor and your Great Aunt Marge) on the big day.
Wanting your home to look like it popped out of a Better Homes & Gardens magazine.
Cooking the turkey, dressing and pies all by yourself for your holiday meal. (Consider catering or potluck.)
Sending out perfectly designed holiday cards with matching address labels.
Feeling like you have to shower your young children (who aren’t even quite sure what is going on) with loads of presents.
Thinking that everyone’s holiday is merrier than yours. (Cuz it isn’t.)
Having breakable ornaments or decorations anywhere within reach of your toddler, because they WILL be shattered.
Participating in any activity or event that you don’t find completely delicious.

I’m going to insert a big UNLESS here. Say ‘no’ to all of the above UNLESS one or more of the activities bring you joy. I’ll give you an example: Cheryl is a superb cook (as you can probably tell from the Foodie section on our blog) and truly enjoys preparing a feast. I, on the other hand, am no Julia Child and would much rather kick my feet up on the sofa with some spiked eggnog and A Christmas Story playing in the background. While Cheryl might say ‘yes’ to hosting a big holiday meal and might even do most of the cooking herself (and might create a spread worthy of the royal family), I am more likely to head to my parents’ house or ask everyone to contribute a dish. Say ‘yes’ to what makes you happy and ‘no’ to anything that sounds draining. You have our permission.

Other things to consider Just Saying YES To:

Structuring your schedule around your baby’s sleeping and eating routines so you don’t have a grumpy child the rest of the holiday.
Staying home if you want to. (Being a new parent is a great excuse. Use it!)
Starting small family traditions that will stick in your children’s head more than any gift will. (Examples: We fix a big Christmas brunch and stay in our pajamas most of the day. We love looking at neighborhood lights in a convertible mustang with hot cocoa. I awkwardly play holiday music on the piano while my kids throw out exaggerated groans. Some of our friends set up a puzzle on a card table or go see a movie.)
Pushing the commercialism aside and reminding yourself and your kids about why the holiday was created in the first place.
Maintaining realistic expectations of the day. Your little ones don’t have a built-in calendar app in their head. Expect them to still act like kids.

I have to admit that our holidays have become more and more enjoyable as my boys have gotten older. They anticipate the holidays with excitement, they look forward to our silly little traditions and they keep their hands off the delicate tree ornaments. (Yes, this can be a reality for you too.) But they still end up in occasional fist fights or start the “I’m booooored” chant in the afternoon. When you have kids, your holidays might look like any other day with a handful of sparkly extras. Enjoy the sparkle and try to roll with the rest.

Here’s to Sanity and The Christmas Story,

Kirsten

The Hardest Job :: Monday Musing

June 9, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Parenting is the hardest job you’ll EVER have. I repeatedly heard folks say this before I had my first child but I had no earthly idea what they meant. “I think I’ll take up scrap booking while I’m home with baby… you know, something to fill up my time,” I casually mentioned to one of my co-workers toward the end of my first pregnancy. She chuckled, slowly swiveling her chair back toward her computer monitor, unable to dignify my statement with a response.

Later, I discovered that I would have NO time for scrap booking and that parenting truly IS the hardest job. It’s also the most rewarding and the most courageous job. But let’s just be honest, it is DAMN hard. And to illustrate this point, I’d love you to participate in a visualization with me. I would ask you to close your eyes… but then you couldn’t read… so just work with me for a few minutes.

Imagine THIS:

You and your spouse/partner get the news that each of you just landed your dream job. Better yet, both of you will get to work for the same company, in the same office, on the same start date. How fun is that? The only catch is that you don’t report to work for nine months. And during those nine months, you will have very limited and sporadic job training. Just a few hours here and there, in which someone will share with you what your job might be like, but they really can’t tell you for sure.

Your excitement and anticipation grow as the months tick by, but while you wait, you are plagued by some (or all) of the following: excessive weight gain, heartburn, constipation, insomnia and occasional nausea. What a splendid way to start my job, you groan, while hanging out in your new favorite spot, the restroom.

As the nine-month mark approaches, it’s go-time. You get the news that it’s time for you and your partner to report to work. How cool! But WAIT. Before doing so, you will need to go through the most physically and psychologically exhausting ordeal that you have ever experienced. The same goes for your partner, who will emotionally and vicariously stand by your side through this process. Your excitement is through the roof any way, because hey, you’re starting your dream job, right?

You are officially in your new position now and you are overjoyed. For the first couple days, a few sweet, well-meaning individuals pop into your cubicle from time to time, and give gentle suggestions. But for the most part, you and your partner have to figure out the new protocols and procedures on your own. You quickly realize that you will not get to leave your workplace to rest at night. Even coffee and lunch breaks are obsolete. Every time you do get some sleep, you will randomly be jolted awake. In the meantime, your body is still recovering from everything it went through a few days ago, and your hormones are raging. Add this to the sleep deprivation, and you alternate between beaming with pleasure and sobbing uncontrollably. You begin to wonder if you’re developing multiple personalities. You’re trying to figure out if your partner is an angel sent from heaven or a demon trying to confuse and frustrate you further.

For the first few days, the new system you are working on is fairly quiet and peaceful, but after a week or so, it suddenly wakes up and there is no rhyme or reason to how it is functioning. You reach out to others, who have worked with this “hardware” before, and they give you vague pointers, but it seems like your system is different from everyone else’s. Not to mention, noisy! Never fear though – as the weeks stream by, you and your partner begin to figure out your job duties. You even give each other fist bumps for rocking your new positions. And yet, every time you say, “We got this thing!” – everything changes – and you have to figure out the new protocols all over again.

Despite the hardships and bewilderment, you and your partner are still in an odd state of satisfaction, so you stay with the company for 18 years, knowing that every few months, your job requirements will completely change, with no additional training, and you will be challenged in ways you never knew. But you know that it will all pay off in the end – and you experience daily (or weekly) glimpses of the purest pleasure you’ve ever known.

THAT is why parenting is the hardest job. There’s no training, there’s no user manual, there’s no report card or annual review to let you know you are doing OK. There are physical and emotional strains on both you and your partner. And your child and parenting situation are uniquely challenging and amazing all at once. But if you ask any parent if they would take on this job again, their answer is always YES. In fact, quite frequently, one to two years after accepting the first job, parents sign up to do it all over again. Wha???

Cheryl and I have both reported to the workplace of babyhood, and we know it can be a doozy. Try to think of Baby Proofed Parents as that nosy, but super sweet & helpful co-worker who wants to give you tons of advice (and a touch of juicy gossip) while you’re adjusting to your new position. We may not provide on-the-job training, but we definitely offer on-the-job encouragement and a much-needed fist bump here and there. You will ROCK the job of parenthood, we just know that you will.

Here’s to sanity and cubicles,

Kirsten