crying | baby proofed parents

Kicking Parenting Shame to the Curb :: Monday Musing

March 9, 2015 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

My eyes tend to wander when I’m in the grocery store check-out line. Typically, I’m scanning the magazines and tabloids, catching up on two minutes of trashy news while I wait. The other day, something else caught my attention. I noticed a couple in the check out line next to me, waiting for their groceries to be bagged and loaded up. They had a double stroller with them, the kind that fits two infant car seats.

One infant was nestled all snug in her car seat. The other infant, let’s call him Twin #2, was strapped to mom in a baby carrier. Twin #2, who looked to be about two-months-old, was clearly done with shopping. He was screaming as loudly as his little two-month-old lungs could manage. My eyes drifted to the parents. Their faces revealed a combination of emotions: embarrassment, stress, exhaustion and frustration. I could almost read their thoughts. Ugh, why did we think this was a good idea to bring both babies to the store? It’s just a matter of time before Twin #1 starts crying. And we’re stuck at the grocery store with no place to nurse. What were we thinking?

I wanted to leap across the check-out lane and give them a high-five. “Hey! You braved the wilderness with your infant twins and took them on an outing together. Good for you. Sure, your baby is crying, but none of us mind. You can’t stay cooped up in the house all of the time waiting for the day that they don’t cry any more. Come and hang out in the grocery store any time with those sweeties… it’s baby happy hour in here.”

Instead, I stayed quiet. I was quite sure that the mom and dad, with their furrowed brows, were not in the mood for my cheerleading that morning.

The incident triggered several memories for me, memories of parenting tension and shame.

I remembered feeling tense when my husband and I decided to take our newborn out on a dinner date with us. I couldn’t relax because I was eying the infant carrier the entire time, waiting for our little guy to wake up screaming. I recalled feeling pressure when my milk wouldn’t let down for my hungry 5-month-old baby and I had a whole dinner party waiting on me. I also remembered feeling shame when I was juggling both a tantruming toddler and a crying infant in the cereal aisle at the grocery store. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

Here’s what I’ve learned since then: Babies cry. Toddlers have fits. Parents are imperfect. When we recognize and accept these universal truths, it makes parenting a whole lot easier.

My advice to the parents of those twins? Get out and about and ditch the embarrassment. Allow your babies to be babies, and allow yourself to be human. The rest of us are busy reading about the Kardashian’s in the express lane and not bothered at all by your baby’s crying. Or we’re dealing with our own fussy little one, completely preoccupied. Parenting is all about trial and plenty of error. The trick is to give ourselves and our babies loads of grace as we work through the trials and embrace the errors.

Here’s to Sanity and Tabloids,

Kirsten

Why Am I Crying? :: Monday Musing

October 28, 2014 By: babyproofedparents6 Comments

A few days ago, I opened up one of those “iPhone auto-correct text mishaps” posts on the Internet, and within seconds, I was laughing so hard, I had tears running down my face. Real, wet-my-cheeks tears. This sensation of crying – without understanding what the heck I was crying about – immediately brought me back to my days of pregnancy and new motherhood. Looking back, I probably could have filled a salt-water aquarium with all of the prenatal and postpartum tears I shed.

Prior to having pregnancy hormones coursing through my body, I rarely cried in front of others. I actually took pride in the fact that I maintained a rather poker-faced exterior. My husband affectionately nicknamed me the Ice Princess (this was pre-Elsa, mind you) because the saddest, most sentimental movie couldn’t get me to tear up. The Notebook had nothing on me. I maintained this silly determination to stay dry-eyed.

All bets were off after I became pregnant. You only had to give me a sappy American Idol episode, a baby food commercial, or a mention of pregnancy from a passing stranger and I was immediately boo-hooing. When my baby arrived, the crying increased. I experienced tears of astonishment and joy as I stared at the amazing little creature in my arms. Tears over how damn hard a natural thing like breastfeeding seemed to be. Tears because I was sleep-deprived and, let’s face it, a little delirious. Happy and sad and exhausted tears. Not to mention the tears frequently coming from my newborn’s little eyes. We went from a quiet, stoic house to a home of sniffles and Kleenex.

So what was all this crying about? It turns out that the extremely small, almond-sized hypothalamus, which is at the core of our reptilian brain, can’t really tell the difference between being happy, sad, overwhelmed or stressed. It just knows when it is getting a strong, emotional signal and in turn, triggers our parasympathetic system, which then triggers our tear ducts. If you think about the times when you are crying, it is usually when you are having an overwhelmingly strong emotion. The tears almost act as an overflow valve, releasing some of your emotional tension and allowing your body to rest and reset. Add hormones and sleep-deprivation to already intense emotions, and the flood gates are open for business.

From a psychological and social perspective, the researcher, Dr. Oren Hasson argues that the act of crying demonstrates vulnerability. It helps people to trust and feel sympathy for you. Crying also communicates that you crave attachment. Hmmm…. I think he just perfectly described the needs of new parents and babies, don’t you?

For me, becoming a parent kicked my parasympathetic system into high gear… and it never turned off. Despite my pregnancy hormones being long gone and my kids growing older, I am still easily brought to tears, and I don’t try to hide them now. Vulnerability is currently my middle name. Our children get to cry openly and loudly. We should allow ourselves to let it go as well, whether we are laughing hysterically, feeling deeply touched or just plain sad. Crying is innately human and nothing to be ashamed of. When you are an expectant or new parent you might find yourself doing a lot of it. Just think of it as a pressure valve that is allowing you to release some steam and heaviness, calm your body and then move forward.

If you’re looking for a release right now, check out that humor post I was talking about, 35 of the Most Concerning Auto-Correct Fails of All Time. Be Warned: May contain 7th-grade-boy-level laughs, profanity, and just possibly, a few tears.

Here’s to Sanity and Kleenex,

Kirsten

The Best and Worst Ways To Support Parents of Screamers :: Tuesday Tip

October 21, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

We all mean well. Parents in the Wild (aka Target) tune into each other, and can keenly sense distress. The desire to help each other out is natural and good, but sometimes our ways of going about it miss the mark. Here are three ways I often received “support” that felt anything but supportive:

“Enjoy this; it will pass before you know it,” (usually accompanied by a longing expression). I knew these parents were wise, and the advice was actually good. But at the time, the psychotic impulse I resisted was planting my hysterical baby right in their hands, screaming, “Here! Take her!” and then running the hell away. Seeing the forest for the trees is a very important skill for a new parent, but suggesting he or she do so in the midst of a melt-down is poorly timed.
“She’s probably hungry.” Rage. Rage. Condescending imagined response, “OMG! I totally forgot to FEED my baby! Thank you for reminding me! I’ll get on that right away!” Again, just a suggestion from an innocent bystander, but for many moms, feeding their babies feels like all they ever, ever do, and if breastfeeding is a struggle and/or milk-production is low, it can really sting to hear that someone thinks their child is hungry. Or, maybe they had the tiniest window in which to run an errand, and they pushed it a little too far because it felt so amazing to be out of the house, and they already feel like guilty crap about it without the extra feedback.
Anything, ever said to a parent while pretending to use the “baby’s voice.” Picture a mom standing in a check out line, holding a screaming infant. Person Behind Mom, “speaking” for the baby, “Mama, I’m tired! Take me home, Mama! Mama, try to enjoy me now because soon I’ll be 18 and wrecking your car! Mama, I’m hunnngggrryyyy!” Perhaps this is intended to add a bit of cheer to the situation, but it often comes through as passive aggressive, and makes moms want to scream, “This is my baby! Not your puppet, Scary Ventriloquist Mystery Shopper!”

You can safely assume that most parents are doing everything they possibly can to keep their babies happy while simultaneously managing the rest of their lives. Why not help in an Advice/Analysis/Assessment-Free way? Here are three ways to offer impactful support:

Tangible. If you notice a parent is in the weeds, and you can see small, specific, non-intrusive ways to lighten their load, offer them up. “Your hands are full. Can I help you by putting your groceries on the counter?” Even if they refuse, most parents appreciate the gesture.
Encouraging. Sometimes offering up a positive statement about how hard the parent is working to manage everything can mean the world, “Parents like you inspire me – thank you for holding it together and hang in there!” Or, “You know how all of these people are staring at you with disdain because your child’s screams are hurting their ears? Screw em’!!!”
Respectful. Sometimes parents are just barely hanging on, and are in a zone. They just want to complete their errand and get themselves and their little screamers out the door. Times like this, no feedback, positive or negative feels helpful. Take moments like this as opportunities to silently affirm. You can send out a positive vibe, or if you’re a praying person, offer one up, while giving her physical space.

Good intentions are powerfully kind, and when they translate to meaningful, receivable support, they can also be powerfully impactful.

Here’s to Sanity and Ventriloquism,

Cheryl