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The Good & The Bad of Opposites Attracting :: Tuesday Tip

May 19, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Ever wonder how you can be drawn so strongly to a person at the beginning of a relationship and then feel perpetually annoyed with them later on? It has to do with that age-old relationship paradigm: Opposites attract. This cliché happens to hold a lot of truth. Just like magnets, humans are pulled to each other by opposing poles or traits. Later in the partnership, it’s as though those same magnets are flipped on their ends and suddenly repelling away from each other. We’ll give you some tips on dealing with those inevitable challenges, but first, let’s discuss:

The 4 Reasons Why Opposites Attract

1. We tend to be attracted to individuals who have strengths or traits that we don’t have. Yes, you probably share common values, interests and tastes with the person you are drawn to. But when it comes to personality characteristics, you will often be on the opposite side of the spectrum from your mate.

2. It is the unconscious mind’s way of filling in personal gaps and deficits. For instance, if you tend to be more shy and introverted, you might be attracted to someone who is gregarious and outgoing. If you consider yourself to be a neat freak, don’t be surprised if you are drawn to someone who loves clutter. If we look at it in survival of the fittest terms, a couple who has strengths in all areas will do better in the long run than a couple who’s strengths are unilateral.

3. In terms of sexual chemistry and attraction, we are more triggered by someone who challenges us and brings out suppressed personality traits that we don’t possess. If you matched up with someone who was exactly like you, there wouldn’t be any zing or fire in your relationship. True story. The differences in a relationship create tension, and tension creates excitement.

4. At the risk of sounding too Freudian, we tend to be attracted to people who remind us of the good and bad of our parents or other close family members. It might be nature’s way of giving us another chance to work through our childhood conflicts and struggles. Not very nice of nature, eh? But a great opportunity for growth.

So what happens after the honeymoon period is over and the “being on your best behavior” phase is long gone? Many couples find themselves feeling continually irked with each other. I often hear in my counseling practice, “Why can’t my husband make decisions the way I do?” or “Why in the world does my girlfriend approach things that way?” or “Why does everything have to be a struggle?”

We hear your pain. Here are:

4 Tips for Rediscovering The Magnetism In Your Relationship

1. Remember why you were attracted to your partner in the first place. Consider making a list of the things you were drawn to in your mate. Example: My husband has a garage full of sports equipment, wood working tools and other remnants of hobbies and collections. All of these items and activities require money and time. When I begin to feel annoyed with the clutter or the financial costs, I have to remind myself of what attracted me to my husband in the first place: he was adventurous, interested in many things, curious and knowledgeable about a lot of subjects. When I remind myself of these traits, I feel more tolerant of the clutter and admiring of his continued passion for life.

2. Appreciate the strengths your partner has that you don’t have. Example: One of my clients, we’ll call her Sue, hates how her husband takes the kids on all-day adventures and brings them home past their bedtime, covered in dirt and bug bites. When she pauses, she remembers that she fell in love with her husband’s adventurous spirit and carefree attitude. Sue notices that her kids are smiling and that they are probably benefiting from her husband’s different parenting style.

3. Ask yourself if you have something to learn or gain from your partner’s opposing traits. Example: Another client of mine, we’ll call him Alan, get’s extremely frustrated with his wife’s insistence on keeping their house immaculately clean. He said that he feels like he is living in a hotel — it doesn’t feel like a home to him. When he explores his feelings more, he acknowledges that he has a history of being a slob and that his wife’s cleanliness has helped him to be more neat and organized in his own life.

4. Make small requests of each other when you feel like you are on opposing teams. Just because you appreciate your partners differing strengths doesn’t mean that you can’t communicate your unmet needs or concerns. When the timing is right, use the soft start approach, and give your partner gentle requests. These requests just might help your mate to inch a little bit out of their comfort zone and experience personal grow as a result. Here are some examples based on the scenarios above:

Kirsten (to husband): I love how you are interested in SO many things. Would you like me to buy some storage bins so we can organize the garage this weekend and you can have easier access to all of your crap? (Oops! That was a little passive aggressive. Let’s try again.) Easier access to all of your gear?

Sue (to husband): I know that you and the kids will have an amazing time on the greenbelt today. Do you mind getting them home before bedtime tonight so we can be fresh for the soccer game tomorrow?

Alan (to wife): Wow, the house looks great. How about if we take the day off from cleaning today and just relax with the dishes and laundry? I’ll help you catch up tomorrow.

Here’s the kicker. Don’t be surprised if one or more of your kids also has opposing traits to you. That child might challenge you just as much as your partner, but if you use the suggestions above, both you and your little one will flourish.

Here’s to Sanity & Magnets,

Kirsten

Playing With Fire – Relationship Damage Control :: Monday Musing

May 26, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

My ex-husband J and I are both therapists. We used to joke that we met in group therapy, because we were both taking a graduate class on the subject when we started dating. When people hear this, they often laugh nervously and ask, “So… do you two sit around and analyze each other?” Naturally. While being married to another therapist had its intense moments, one benefit was finally figuring out what was happening to us during conflict, and learning from our destructive patterns. We had the same fight, on repeat, with slight detail fluctuations. The root of it was our difficulty trusting that we were completely emotionally safe with each other.

J and I both had our share of crappy relationships. We entered our marriage with some baggage, which got triggered almost every time we fought. When we had intense conflict, my irrational fear was, “He doesn’t really care about my feelings, and is on his way out.” His was, “She doesn’t respect me, and she is purposefully trying to hurt me.” When you make these kinds of assumptions emotionally, your thoughts and reactions (body language, words and tone of voice) follow, and the storm swells. Forget about what started the argument. Whose turn it was to diaper the baby, do the dishes, or make the grocery run no longer matters. You are on the defense and incapable of rational thought, and whatever root fuels your arguments will be driving.

Before I proceed, can we agree on something? Aside from keeping them alive, the best gift you can give your children is your personal sanity, and if you have a partner, an example of a mutually respectful, loving relationship. Here are some thoughts on how to do that.

Work on Fire Prevention. Psychotherapist Kelly McDaniel says that in healthy relationships, partners recognize that their union is, in part, for the purpose of healing. This is beautiful. It involves understanding how your past experiences and pain influence your expectations and behavior in your current relationships. Safe, healthy relationships give you the space to air out the baggage, and support each other in moving on, so you can fully enjoy the goodness right in front of you. I like the assumption that your junk from the past will come up, but with mutual love and support, you can help each other evolve.

Practicing kindness toward each other is a great way to convey love and prevent intense conflict. Here are two takes on kindness that stick with and recenter me:

Carl Sagan described a way to categorize all of our choices, actions and reactions – they can either further compassion, or further aggression. That’s pretty clear.
In his book The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman encourages couples to treat each other with the same kindness and respect they would an honored guest in their home. In this scenario, little room remains for bitter sarcasm, snapping or cheap shots.

Create a Fire Escape. So, that’s all lovely. But the truth is, we’re human, and in certain circumstances (such as those brought on by the sweet chaos of a new baby) we possess the emotional intelligence of, I don’t know, squirrels? They’re nuts. Sometimes I have an old man sense of humor. Couples find themselves at a fever pitch in fights, and after receiving and inflicting pretty serious verbal wounds, drag themselves into my office. I’ve been there too. If your house is on fire, you don’t stand in the heat and smoke and try to resolve “issues.” You just get the hell out. Later, when it’s safe, you can go back in and figure out how to repair. Here’s where the need for a Fire Escape comes in: in an intense fight, recognize it’s time to take a cool down, and give each other physical/emotional space until you’re ready to rationally resolve the issue.

Plan the terms of your fire escape when you’re calm, not during an argument. It can take many different forms. Sometimes simply going into separate rooms and focusing on slowing down your breathing for a few minutes is all it takes. For J and I, when either of us sensed we were losing our grip, we’d call a time out. He would go outside, and I would stay inside, giving him space to cool off, reminding myself that we’d eventually work it out. This time apart can be excruciating, but it’s better than saying things you can’t take back. Remember that you both want resolution and to feel close again, but you need a moment to cool down if that’s to happen without damage. If you take a breather and still don’t feel ready to reconnect, like Kirsten says, it’s okay to go to bed angry and try again after some sleep.

Even if the dynamic in your relationship changes through separation or divorce, it’s never too late to improve your communication and esteem for each other (more advice on this from an awesome single dad we know, Terry Cox.) J is still one of my best friends, even though we went through a painful split. We work hard to put our egos aside and show respect for each other, giving our kids a healthy, loving friendship between their parents. We’re not perfect and get it very wrong sometimes, but conflict recovery is easier when we remind ourselves that we’re in good, safe hands with each other. I hope you have that peace of mind in your relationships, because you deserve it. Anyone who would tell you otherwise can eff off.

Here’s to Sanity and Squirrels,

Cheryl

Anger Is A Gift :: Monday Musing

April 28, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

Are you mad?

My beautiful friend, Jean, is an incredibly grounded acupuncturist. She believes that most women are not given a template for dealing with anger, if they’re able to consciously acknowledge they’re experiencing it in the first place. Our training, at times by our parents, and constantly by society is to be nurturing and supportive, avoiding the “b word” label at all costs. There’s no room in that scenario for being pissed off. I believe men are subject to this emotional sanction in a slightly different way. They’re not allowed to show weakness, which means there’s no space to cry or say, “I have no clue.” All of that hidden powerlessness has to manifest somehow, and can start an internal storm of anger so intense it becomes easier to numb out or disengage than to deal with it. I took in Jean’s words and asked her, “How do you process your own anger?” With a wry smile she replied, “Me? Ohhh, I don’t get angry!”

Kids are supposed to be out of control sometimes. Even when they master language and can have high-level conversations with you, it takes many until their 20’s to fully grasp how to moderate their emotions. (I’m still working on it at almost 40.) If you feel out of control and don’t know how to deal with it, and you’re in the presence of a child who is out of control (or is just being a kid), it can feel irresistible to come down way too hard on them, trying to control them instead of yourself. Have you ever seen an adult schooling a child in a public place, looking like a complete a-hole while the child just looks very small? This happens all the time, even to conscious, well-meaning parents.

The only person in my family of origin allowed to express intense feelings was my dad. The feeling he expressed most often was anger. He would repress for a while, and then blow a gasket about something trivial my siblings and I did or didn’t do, often when we least expected it. My therapist described this as “venting through your children.” She explained that my dad, like many adults, had a hard time understanding or dealing with his feelings, and things got built up inside. Eventually, a volcano erupted.

As a child, it never occurred to me to feel much of anything, let alone express it, because I was too busy avoiding wrath by being a perfect little girl and hiding. Eventually, the whole “not having feelings” thing stopped working, and I had to start coping with the build-up I’d spent my life running from. When I had babies, a whole new level of this work began.

When my daughter was two and my son was a few months old, they used to have what I referred to as “crying competitions.” It felt like they were trying to outdo each other. One would start to calm down a little, and the other would let out another wail, and then the first would start all over again – neither would let the other have the last word. I am laughing as I write this, but at the time, I was in hell. I would put one on each hip, and bounce through the house singing to them, trying to make them laugh, and finally, exhausted, I’d just sit on the floor and hold them while waiting it out. After a few rounds, I started noticing anger, very hot, rising up in me.

How soothing, right? Mom is holding us, but her jaw is clenched, her arms stiff. I knew they were just being normal, crying babies, but no amount of rational thinking could compete with the anger that was coming from my perceived inability to control the situation. I felt myself wanting to scream at them, but something made me put them down, my son in his bouncy seat, my daughter next to him on the rug. I walked out into the garage and shut the door behind me. I could still hear them crying, but I sensed they’d be safe for a few minutes. My eyes fell on the pile of stuff we were donating to charity. I don’t remember which toy I picked up, but I know it was pink, and when I threw it as hard as possible onto the garage floor, it shattered in the most satisfying way imaginable. Just to ensure its total destruction, I picked it up and threw it down again. Hard. Then, I took a deep breath, exhaled, and walked back into the house. I felt like a different person. Calm. I soothed them and got through the rest of day.

That wasn’t perfect, by any means. Before I walked out, I didn’t reassure them that I’d be back, and it wasn’t their fault. They probably heard the scary crashes. Breaking toys in my garage made me feel like a psychopath. Plus, what about the poor kid who would now be deprived of the joy of playing with whatever that pink thing was? Wasteful. But, I’d rather them feel a little scared or uncertain, hear a noise, and then have me come inside and soothe them from an authentically calm place. I’d rather explain that I was angry, and needed a moment alone to deal with it. I don’t want to scream at them, or hit them, or handle them roughly, or shame them. I really, really don’t want to vent out my emotional crap through my kids.

Another big rupture happened shortly after J and I went through our divorce. Turns out grief manifests in me as it does in many men: anger, anger, anger. I could feel a wave of it coming up, and was desperate to get my kids settled in front of the TV in our upstairs loft so I could take a break. They could feel the tension emanating from me, and reacted by whining and protesting. Shocking. Finally, I lost it and yelled, “Please just watch your show!!” Of course, that soothed them right away, and then, I held that powerful, “I’m an adult in complete control” stance as I lost my footing and slid down our wooden staircase on my ass. My finest parenting moment to date.

I wish I was telling you all of this while sitting under a tree in a lotus posture, totally zen, referring to these past, totally resolved issues. Nope. I still struggle with moderating my emotions. The good news is that I’ve learned a few ways to deal, minimizing the risk of negative impact on people around me. One is intense music. Most people feel anger reducing when listening to calm, soothing music, but sometimes the opposite is true for me. I make sure the kids are settled, pop in ear buds and turn it a little too loud. The sounds are slightly angrier than I feel. They envelope and hold me. A go-to track is “Burning Inside” by Ministry, in which a sound the domestic goddess in me has decided is a vacuum cleaner melts into insanely fast drumming and impending doom guitar. If I’m especially keyed up, I actually run the vacuum while listening. This serves to further calm me, and assuage some of the inherent guilt that accompanies anger, because hey, look at those floors! Planting my face into a pillow and screaming at the top of my lungs is amazing, and often makes me laugh at the melodrama of it. And of course, I know the donation pile is right there in the garage if I need it.

Brilliant psychotherapist Irvin Yalom writes about a female client who came to a session very distraught. She tearfully explained that the night before, she had gotten drunk, had a huge fight with her husband, and ended up throwing a lemon pie against the wall. The visual: lemon custard oozing down the wall, broken pie plate and crust all over the floor. Yalom said his instinct was to try and alleviate what he perceived was her guilt, reassuring her that it probably wasn’t so bad, to not be hard on herself, etc. Turns out, he had read her wrong. Her tears were grief over lost time. For the first time, she had finally expressed her true feelings, in an impossible to take back way. I repeat this story over and over, because it captures the essence of our right to messy emotions dead on.

One of my clients made my year when she emailed me this photo, and gave me permission to share. The title: “Look What I Did!”

Shaving cream pies. Brilliant, cathartic and safe, because you won’t be tempted to lick lemon off your fence, eliminating splinter risk.

These little people look to you for containment, and you recognize that at times you can’t contain yourself. And you step into another room, and throw a pie. Then you come back to them, and you continue trying. You own your humanity with them, and you are humble about your limitations. You soothe, repair, and clean the wall. You try hard to stop whatever cycles could continue through you and into them. And, perhaps most importantly, you show them how adults forgive themselves.

Disclaimer: I am in no way advocating senseless harm to innocent lemon pies, especially if they are gluten-free and topped with meringue. Limits, people.

Here’s To Sanity and Yalom,

Cheryl