Tips - Part 3

All Hands On Deck :: Tuesday Tip

April 22, 2014 By: babyproofedparents3 Comments

Safety Czar in Action

Shhh… don’t tell him I said this, but in many ways, my husband is a better parent than me. (Did I really just admit that? Oh, yes I did.) When it comes to consistency and common sense, Todd is unflappable. In our home, we not-so-affectionately refer to him as “The Safety Czar” for his uncanny ability to detect all hazardous activities (indoor frisbee and stair sledding, to name a few) and sternly put a halt to them. When the man says, ‘NO’, he means it. And whenever we need to make a big transition involving the kids, such as switching bedrooms or sleep training, Todd is sent in to present a strong, unwavering front.

In spite of these parenting strengths, I discovered soon after the birth of our first child that there is one task my husband is NOT good at: coping with interrupted sleep. The times he took the night shift with our fussy, gassy infant were the times he woke up grumpy as a toddler on a long road trip. I quickly figured out that if I stayed up and soothed our little baby, my hubby would greet me with a smile, a good mood and a fresh pot of coffee in the morning… and my whole day would go a heck of a lot better.

Kinder, gentler parent.

While we’re on the subject of my parenting strengths (Ahem), I will argue that I’m a kinder, gentler kind of parent. I get down on my kids’ level and try to figure out the interesting logic working itself out in their little brains. I have a checklist, calendar, and figurative social-media feed running in my head at all times. And I somehow have the magic ability to predict the future because I always know how many changes of clothes and snacks to throw in the diaper bag, and how many meltdowns to prepare for. (I know many of you have this magic ability as well.)

You would think that with all of these opposing strengths, my husband and I would make a dynamite parenting team. But there have been MANY times in our marriage and our parenting journey that we have found ourselves at odds with each other. While one of us is focused on safety or doing things correctly, the other is focused on having a good time or being sweet. At times, we have accused each other of not pulling enough weight. I’ll be honest; these differing perspectives have made for some big ol’ disagreements.

Cheryl to the rescue. She calmly helped me put our parenting woes into perspective one day. “Kirsten,” she said, “You’re kind of like a Cruise Director. You’re focused on everyone having a good time and being well-fed and well-rested. Todd’s the Captain of the Ship. He is more interested in keeping everyone afloat and getting them to the port safely. Both of you want the cruise to be successful, but you are just focused on different aspects of the journey.”

By golly, she was right. Cheryl has said a lot of wise things, but this particular analogy won the “ah-ha moment” prize.

Working in Unison: Cruise Director and Captain

Working in Unison Aboard the Love Boat

When Todd and I began to see ourselves as being assigned to different roles on the same boat, it helped us to divvy up tasks accordingly and resent each other less.

Yes, it is crucial for you and your parenting partner to back each other up, to parent in a consistent manner, and to both chip in with child-rearing and household duties. But it is also OK and beneficial for each of you to utilize your individual strengths and balance each other out. Your kids don’t need you to be clones of each other – they can learn from your varied approaches and benefit from your unique styles. Maybe you feel most comfortable as the ship chef, the entertainment director or the housekeeping expert. Figure out what you and your partner do best and then give each other room to be the finest parents you can be. Smoother sailing and calm childhood seas will be the end result. And you might just deliver your kids to the port of adulthood in one, well-rounded piece.

BPP Sanity Savers:

Keep in mind that you and your parenting partner are working toward the same end goal of raising healthy, happy kids. Identify what each of you do best, split up jobs accordingly and be open to feedback or concerns when your partner wants to re-evaluate how things are being handled.
Regularly praise your partner for their strengths (especially if they are different from yours), learn from what they do well and present a united front to your kids.
If you are a single parent, introduce other trusted adults into your family that have unique strengths and perspectives that your kids can benefit from.

Here’s to strength, sanity and smooth sailing,

Kirsten

The real captain, cruise director and 1st mate.

The real cruise director, captain and 1st mate.

Why Can’t I Get Just One Kiss? :: Tuesday Tip

April 7, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

After the transformative experience of adding a new life to your family, it’s fascinating how comfortable you can become with this little being attached to you, at all times. Many parents feel weird the first time they leave home without their baby – it’s as if they’re walking around missing an appendage. During the first week of her life, there was a moment when I realized I’d been holding, breast feeding or lying next to our daughter for 12 solid hours. I walked onto our back porch to get a breather, and our cat made a dash for me, meowing for attention. I snuggled with her, but realized the LAST thing I wanted was to touch or be touched by another living creature. I thrive on affection, so feeling saturated to that level was monumental for me. It hadn’t occurred to me until then how good a break could feel, to just be alone in my own skin.

Translate this to my relationship with her father, J. Affection was huge for us, and if we were in arm’s reach of each other, we were usually connected physically, even if it was just sitting close enough for our legs to touch. During those early weeks with our daughter, it was as if we just forgot. One of us was constantly attending to her, and touching each other only occurred by accident when passing her back and forth. One afternoon while she slept, we sat down on the couch to catch up, and I scooted close to him for a hug. Woah! We simultaneously realized how much time had passed since we’d last intentionally touched each other, and how much we’d missed it.

It’s normal to feel the need for space. You are experiencing constant skin-on-skin contact with a baby who needs you to survive. To keep balance, you need moments of separation and autonomy, but remember that another part of your balance is a healthy relationship with your partner. Make an effort to touch each other as often as you can, even if it’s just a quick hug or shoulder rub. (An aside, to those couples for whom eye contact equals kissing equals sex, and sometimes the kissing part gets skipped, those early weeks are a different challenge since most medical professionals sanction sex for new moms until 6 weeks after giving birth. Perhaps this could be a fun exercise in restraint? Or for those of you who really don’t dig affection, substitute what does feel good and connecting, like words of affirmation or quality time.) Physical contact, even if slight, can help you feel closer through those insane early weeks, giving you both more peace of mind, which will benefit your baby immensely.

BPP Sanity Savers:

As a parent, it’s normal to feel moments of, “Get off me! Everyone! Just get off me!!!” Allow yourself guilt-free alone time to recharge.
Remember that your relationship with your partner will also thrive with constant maintenance. Go out of your way to give physical affection to each other.
Make time for openness with your partner about what feels good physically and how you’d like to be touched. Having a baby impacts hormones, sleep and emotions, which can cause your needs and preferences to dramatically flux. Frequent communication can help you keep up with each other and stay connected.

Here’s To Sanity and Hugs,

Cheryl

Pimp My Self-Care :: Tuesday Tip

March 24, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

As both an expectant and new parent, you get a LOT of advice. Some of it you solicit, and some of it you really, really don’t. The advice that helped me stomach all the advice? “Try to take each suggestion as the person’s attempt at a gift; it won’t always fit or be the right color, but the intention behind it is usually kindness.”

That perspective worked well for me 95% of the time, but it definitely did NOT work for this jewel: “Sleep while your baby is sleeping.” When my baby girl slept soundlessly all day every day, deciding that night time was the right time for partying, crying, eating, and everything that involved being wide awake, I got this advice on repeat. I know it was well-intentioned. I looked like a haggard zombie. Plus, as someone who approaches life with both myself and my clients holistically, I get that if something is off physically, it’s impossible to fully function mentally, emotionally or spiritually. That said, this became my internal response when yet another well-meaning person suggested rest: “(in Samuel L Jackson’s “Pulp Fiction” voice) Tell me to SLEEP, mother-f’er! Tell me to SLEEP ONE MORE mother-f’in time!!”

When I tried to sleep while she was sleeping, I was stiff and motionless on the bed, eyes wide open, riddled with anxiety, feeling completely alienated from life outside our little house. Sunlight flooded the room, and me, with desperation to connect to my former self. I turned to Dr. Marc Weissbluth’s book, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child to try and get a grip on our situation, and was floored when I came across this quote: “When the baby is asleep, get some sleep yourself, unless you are doing something for your own peace of mind.” Okay. The sleep book tells me it’s okay to do something besides sleep if it makes me happy. Or at least this is how my exhausted brain chose to interpret it.

I stopped wrestling myself. I decided that for me, being sleepy, but otherwise grounded, was better for all of us. While she snoozed, I took long, hot baths. I vented to friends, combing them for advice on how to fix our issues. I got out of the house alone, wandered through Target and resisted the impulse to violently embrace complete strangers, yelling, “Hiiii! Isn’t it sooo great to be alive together, looking at these pretty things together, breathing in this air together?!” I made curry. The curry part, especially, wouldn’t be a universally validated self-care suggestion, but it grounded me, and it tasted damn good. For those first few months, I was very tired, but very alive, and able to more fully enjoy my sweet, party-lovin’ girl.

Accept parenting and self-care advice. It’s based on a rich history of parents and professionals who have walked through the fire, and you need it. Hear me when I say that putting yourself in physical peril is not okay. Milan Kundera said it well: “When we ignore the body, we are more easily victimized by it.” But don’t forget that inside you, there’s this gorgeous, strong brain that gives you so much imperative information. Listen to it, responding to and incorporating what you hear. Your sanity is one of the greatest gifts you can give your family, even if your personal path to it isn’t fully backed by conventional wisdom.

BPP Sanity Savers:

Try to remain graciously open to well-intended advice from others, including those who aren’t parents (they are often more grounded in life beyond the baby bubble). Caring for your physical needs is the pre-requisite for all other needs, and get help addressing any barriers to these needs…
…but, don’t forget to also listen to yourself, trusting your ability to discern the path to your emotional, mental and spiritual well-being. Factor your voice in.
It’s very possible to be fried to the point of an inability to hear your own voice or know WHAT you want or need. If you find yourself there, it’s time to get support. Call a trusted friend and/or a good therapist, be truthful about how overwhelmed you feel, and ask for help.

Here’s to Sanity and Curry,

Cheryl

Desperately Seeking… Human Connection :: Tuesday Tip

March 10, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

I can mingle and party with the best of them, but when it comes to recharging my batteries, I’m a classic introvert. Give me a quiet house, a cup of tea, and a good book – I’m as happy as a toddler in a Tupperware drawer. For this reason, I figured that quitting my office job and staying home with my newborn baby was going to be pure nirvana, right?

Ummm… partially right. While there were certainly heavenly slices, there were also incredibly lonely moments, and I noticed a new wave of extroversion taking over my personality.

After a few weeks at home with baby, I yearned for new-parent pals who could answer my infant-care questions and empathize with my parenting struggles. I found myself scanning the playground or bookstore for other new moms and babies, ready to pounce with an invitation for friendship. Gone were the days of scoping out the scene for hot guys – instead I spent my time sizing up other parents, trying to determine if they would be compatible with my little family of three. My standard pick-up line: “Oh, your little one is so cute. How old? Well, he/she seems to get along really well with my little guy.” (Translation: Can we exchange numbers and hang out again? Please? Please?)

Most new parents experience what I call the Baby Paradox: Yes, you are in the constant company of a precious and fascinating little human. But it is also common and normal to struggle with feelings of extreme loneliness and mind-numbing boredom. The cure for this post-baby isolation? Reach out and connect as much as you can.

Here are some ideas for staying connected and making new friendships in the midst of baby-land:

Utilize Social Media: Although some of us are bit burned out, social media can be an amazing resource when you’re home with a new little one. Consider starting a Facebook group for expecting and new parents in your community, and then advertise it in the neighborhood newsletter or bulletin board. Scan MeetUp.com for New Parent Meet and Greets (if you can’t find one, consider creating your own).

Seek Out Existing Groups: Many cities, community centers and churches offer support and educational groups for expecting and new parents. Do an Internet search to see what’s available in your area. A great option, available in Austin and other metropolitan areas, is Bump Club and Beyond, an über-cool networking and informational group for expecting and new parents. Another Austin option for post-baby connection is the wonderful support group, Mothers Unfolding.

Give Family and Friends the Green Light: Your loved ones might be trying to give you and your new little one space, thinking that you need time to rest and bond. Let them know that you are very open to visits – give them the best times and set up regular dates.

Make Out-Of-The-Nest Time for Both Parents: When baby is old enough to take a bottle or survive a couple hours without mom, make plans with a friend and get OUT (yes, out of the house, into the fresh air, into the world). Dads and parenting partners can also struggle with symptoms of social-withdrawal, so encourage your partner to take some time on the weekend to connect with pals. And whenever you can, load up the Ergo, Baby Bjorn or Moby and get the whole family out on an adventure, even if it only lasts an hour.

Three years after becoming a mom, I was taking my second baby for a walk when a woman came flying out of her house in sweat pants, a t-shirt and noticeably un-washed hair. “Hi!! Hi!” she exclaimed, “Is that a baby in your stroller? I have a newborn in the house. Do you live in the neighborhood? Hi…”

I just nodded knowingly and handed her my phone number. “Let’s hang out soon!” I said as I walked away, happy that I could offer another new mom a brief escape from the sometimes lonely land of newborns.

BPP Sanity Savers:

While you are pregnant, begin researching new-parent social groups and play groups in your community that might be a resource for you later.
Let family and friends know that you will love their visits and support after baby has arrived. Give them a schedule of ideal times once you have become accustomed to your little one’s ebb and flow.
Make sure that both you and your partner get time to fly the coop. As soon as you can, go on small adventures as a family. The fresh air and human connection will do you good!

Here’s to strength and sanity,

Kirsten

Feed Your Baby, Feed Your Senses :: Tuesday Tip

February 17, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

This story might be familiar to some of you, and a cautionary tale to others. My daughter had colic. For several weeks, between the hours of 4 pm and 1 am, she was either crying uncontrollably, breast feeding, or stunned into brief silence by the sound of the vacuum cleaner (we had super clean floors during this time).

One evening, J (my kids’ awesome dad) and I were invited to a happy hour. We decided he should go, as I tended to have an easier time soothing her as the parent with the milk supply, and she would definitely not have been a “happy” addition to the hour if we tried to take her along. When he walked back into the house, he smelled like outside and red wine. I stood close to him and inhaled deeply several times in a row, like an addict huffing paint fumes from a paper sack. I was floored at how amazing a scent other than our sweet baby girl, breast milk and spit-up could be.

When you are in the throws of life with a new baby, you are hyper-focused on making them comfortable: warm, fed, held, diapered, bathed, etc…and this is good and instinctual. The only draw back is how easily you can forget to do many of these things for yourself. Feeding your own needs gives you the endurance to feed your baby’s needs. This goes for partners too – we are in this together, and we all need sweet soothing to keep our sanity in tact. Doing something nurturing for each of your five senses, every day, is a great way to keep yourself fueled.

Here are some of my favorite examples:

Smell: Stock up on some of your favorite scented candles. Take a few seconds to light one in whatever room you’re spending the most time in. The smell of a few drops of essential lavender oil on a pillow near where you breastfeed can help relax you.

Touch: Treat yourself to some new lounge pants and super soft t-shirts. You’ll spend a ton of time at home in the first few months, so having cute, comfortable clothes you feel good in can help cheer you up. Hot baths soothe your body and your spirit. Back rubs and hugs for and from your partner feel great and help you stay close and connected.

Sight: Surround yourself with photos of friends, family and artwork that either makes you feel calm or cracks you up. No Edvard Munch in the nursery, okay? If you can change the scenery when you breastfeed, try different spots in the house, or near a window where you can see outside.

Hearing: Music. Take the extra five seconds to turn it on. Whatever helps you transcend, feel happy, upbeat, relaxed… identify the feeling you crave and choose the music to best elicit it. And don’t pressure yourself to play kid-friendly music only – chances are good your baby will love hearing whatever you listened to while he or she rocked out in your belly.

Taste: Make sure to eat and drink. It is so easy to forget this when you’re trying to keep up with the voracious appetite of a newborn. Go with suggestions from your OB or midwife on what’s best if you’re breast-feeding, find some things you love and savor them every day. I used to say “good morning” out loud and smile at my cup of decaf before taking the first sip. It was that delicious.

BPP Sanity Savers:

Taking care of yourself is imperative to the endurance needed for caring for a newborn.
Think about what your senses love the most, and stock up on supplies for feeding them in advance. Attend to all 5, every day.
Talk with your partner in advance about ways you can help each other nurture yourselves – you both need and deserve TLC!

Here’s to strength and sanity,

Cheryl

Go to Bed Angry… Once in Awhile :: Tuesday Tip

February 3, 2014 By: babyproofedparents4 Comments

Most of us have heard the old adage: Never go to bed angry. In other words, you should always kiss and make up with your partner before your head hits the pillow.

Unfortunately, this is not always realistic for most of us living, breathing humans.

There is another piece of advice that goes something like this: Never initiate an argument or try to work through a disagreement when you are exhausted, hungry, sick, or really grumpy. Chances are that the argument will not get resolved and that it might even get ugly.

When you are pregnant, or a new parent, there will be times you are feeling wiped out, edgy, hormonal, ravenous, or all of those at once. This also applies to men – dads can feel equally tired and drained. Give yourself a quick body check when you and your partner embark on a touchy subject. If your stomach is grumbling or your shoulders are drooping, ask your partner to table the conversation until you can get something to eat or a good night’s sleep.

And then, make sure you agree on a time to pick up where you left off, when you’re both in a better place:

I really want to resolve this with you. Would you mind if we revisited this subject after breakfast tomorrow? I’m beat and I can tell that I might be prone to biting your head off at this moment. Literally, I might bite your head off…

Chances are that the conversation will take on a whole new shade when you are feeling rested and whole.

Self-care. You are going to be hearing a lot about that in this blog. It is the key to staying sane and strong as a parent and a partner.

BPP Sanity Savers

Scan your body before embarking on a touchy subject with your partner. If exhausted, sick or testy, request a time out and pick up the topic later.
Put aside a few minutes every day to check in with each other. Choose a time when you are most likely to be rested and fed.
Encourage your partner and yourself to take time for self-care (examples: an extra hour of sleep, a hot bath or a 30-minute trip to Target while baby and partner stay home.) Your communication and relationship will benefit!

Here’s to strength and sanity –

Kirsten