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I’d Die For Them – A Modern Family’s Tale :: Monday Musing

June 23, 2014 By: babyproofedparents3 Comments

Occasionally at BPP we make things personal.  Our hope is that revealing some of our own struggles and triumphs will resonate with and inspire you.  Cheryl submitted this essay to the Gay Dad Project, an online resource for families in which one parent has come out as LGBTQ.  The Gay Dad Project provides a safe space for families to tell their stories, connect and raise awareness.  We decided her essay was worth sharing with you too.

I’d Die For Them – A Modern Family’s Tale

It’s easy to say you’d die for your kids.  It seems standard to parenting – this unflinching belief that you’d throw yourself between them and the train or the rabid dog, drape your body over them as the tornado touches down, over the grenade as it detonates.  We visualize these scenes and marvel at our selfless love.  I’d reflexively sacrifice my life for them.

What I marvel at now?  How much harder it is to sacrifice my ego.  Even for one day.  If I died, I wouldn’t have to witness the aftermath.  Living, I have to watch the steady impact of how ill-prepared I feel for navigating the four of us through this alternative universe of modern family-ism.

Before J and I married, we had a secret exchange.  Facing each other on his twin bed, I learned about his bisexuality, and he learned about my painfully colorful past. We offered each other absolution and acceptance.  I fell in love with his jawline and his way of sitting quietly next to me whenever I cried or screamed.  We plowed ahead for 13 sweet years, helping each other heal and deprogram the shame we’d been fed a steady diet of since birth. We started to outgrow the construct of our marriage when we had our daughter, and when we had our son two years later, we combusted. I never recovered my desire to be intimate with him after my first pregnancy.  I blamed hormones, stress, my history of detaching emotionally, anything I could find to avoid seeing what was slowly changing right in front of me.  His lifelong fight to live comfortably in our hetero world and inflate the slight side of himself that was attracted to women was diminishing.

j&cAt bedtime, we tell our children, “We love you no matter what.”  He sat in duplicity night after night – saying it to our daughter and son, but incapable of saying it to himself.  While he silently swallowed back his knowing and his fear, I started having feelings for another man, rendering my explanations for my lack of libido moot. Then there was the night.  I walked into the house, took his hand, led him away from the roasted chicken sitting on the table and into our bedroom.  I spilled my guts.  48 hours of crying and talking and yelling and silence later, he came out.

I can’t begin to fathom J’s pain, and it’s not mine to share.  My grief was rage.  My tears were sweat.  Buckets of it, spilled on weights at the gym, on the streets of our neighborhood as I ran in the dark watching the houses wake up, on one tiny square of kitchen floor tile as I danced late at night like a rave maniac raising blisters on the soles of my feet.  Music blared into my ears, as loud as I could get it.  I exponentially worsened the hearing damage inflicted in college when Gibby Haynes came onstage firing blanks from a shotgun.  I was trying to move my body away from this new reality and drown out the sound of breaking.

Regarding perspectives, I’m Team Frankl: they’re chosen, and I prefer mine fresh.  My ego begged me to make J’s sexuality personal.  “See?  You knew this risk all along.  You signed up to get duped.  You’re not woman enough to sustain him.”  But it’s not about me.  It’s not about him.  It’s about freedom.  The freedom to choose: live a facade, or acknowledge that something big grew from within us and had to break our construct into a million pieces if any of us were to evolve.  How strong is the father of my children?  He’s more masculine than many straight men I know, because he had the balls to reveal his true identity to himself, his religion, his family, and in what now feels like a gift, to me.  And I got to receive the gift first.

It’s fitting.  Our friendship became lust at Six Flags Over Texas.  Our split went down roller-coaster style, as we held hands and eye contact, and stepped out over the abyss.  We’re slowly guiding two gorgeous little people through what it’s like to live with parents who sometimes have no clue who we are.  We narrate as we go, answering their 3 and 5-year-old questions with the constant underscore, “Your parents respect and love each other, and give each other freedom.”  We’re fearfully and proudly living as a modern family:  divorced part-time housemates/besties/co-parents rotating through the home where our kids live full time and an apartment where we individually live part-time.  You’d just have to see it to understand it, but it’s beautiful and it works.  We surround ourselves with people who support us.  And love those who don’t, but politely remind them where our door is located should they need it.

If we’d give up our lives for our kids, can we give up our egos and our grand plans and our “situations”?  Because what are those things anyway?  Especially when they’re situated comparatively next to evolution, freedom and love?  Give me huge servings of the latter.

Anger Is A Gift :: Monday Musing

April 28, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

Are you mad?

My beautiful friend, Jean, is an incredibly grounded acupuncturist.  She believes that most women are not given a template for dealing with anger, if they’re able to consciously acknowledge they’re experiencing it in the first place.  Our training, at times by our parents, and constantly by society is to be nurturing and supportive, avoiding the “b word” label at all costs.  There’s no room in that scenario for being pissed off.  I believe men are subject to this emotional sanction in a slightly different way.  They’re not allowed to show weakness, which means there’s no space to cry or say, “I have no clue.”  All of that hidden powerlessness has to manifest somehow, and can start an internal storm of anger so intense it becomes easier to numb out or disengage than to deal with it.  I took in Jean’s words and asked her, “How do you process your own anger?”  With a wry smile she replied, “Me?  Ohhh, I don’t get angry!”

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Kids are supposed to be out of control sometimes.  Even when they master language and can have high-level conversations with you, it takes many until their 20’s to fully grasp how to moderate their emotions. (I’m still working on it at almost 40.)  If you feel out of control and don’t know how to deal with it, and you’re in the presence of a child who is out of control (or is just being a kid), it can feel irresistible to come down way too hard on them, trying to control them instead of yourself.  Have you ever seen an adult schooling a child in a public place, looking like a complete a-hole while the child just looks very small?  This happens all the time, even to conscious, well-meaning parents.

The only person in my family of origin allowed to express intense feelings was my dad.  The feeling he expressed most often was anger.  He would repress for a while, and then blow a gasket about something trivial my siblings and I did or didn’t do, often when we least expected it.   My therapist described this as “venting through your children.”  She explained that my dad, like many adults, had a hard time understanding or dealing with his feelings, and things got built up inside.  Eventually, a volcano erupted.

As a child, it never occurred to me to feel much of anything, let alone express it, because I was too busy avoiding wrath by being a perfect little girl and hiding.  Eventually, the whole “not having feelings” thing stopped working, and I had to start coping with the build-up I’d spent my life running from.  When I had babies, a whole new level of this work began.

When my daughter was two and my son was a few months old, they used to have what I referred to as “crying competitions.”  It felt like they were trying to outdo each other.  One would start to calm down a little, and the other would let out another wail, and then the first would start all over again – neither would let the other have the last word.  I am laughing as I write this, but at the time, I was in hell.  I would put one on each hip, and bounce through the house singing to them, trying to make them laugh, and finally, exhausted, I’d just sit on the floor and hold them while waiting it out.  After a few rounds, I started noticing anger, very hot, rising up in me.

How soothing, right?  Mom is holding us, but her jaw is clenched, her arms stiff.  I knew they were just being normal, crying babies, but no amount of rational thinking could compete with the anger that was coming from my perceived inability to control the situation.  I felt myself wanting to scream at them, but something made me put them down, my son in his bouncy seat, my daughter next to him on the rug.  I walked out into the garage and shut the door behind me.  I could still hear them crying, but I sensed they’d be safe for a few minutes.  My eyes fell on the pile of stuff we were donating to charity.  I don’t remember which toy I picked up, but I know it was pink, and when I threw it as hard as possible onto the garage floor, it shattered in the most satisfying way imaginable.  Just to ensure its total destruction, I picked it up and threw it down again.  Hard.  Then, I took a deep breath, exhaled, and walked back into the house.  I felt like a different person.  Calm.  I soothed them and got through the rest of day.

That wasn’t perfect, by any means.  Before I walked out, I didn’t reassure them that I’d be back, and it wasn’t their fault.  They probably heard the scary crashes.  Breaking toys in my garage made me feel like a psychopath. Plus, what about the poor kid who would now be deprived of the joy of playing with whatever that pink thing was?  Wasteful.  But, I’d rather them feel a little scared or uncertain, hear a noise, and then have me come inside and soothe them from an authentically calm place.  I’d rather explain that I was angry, and needed a moment alone to deal with it.  I don’t want to scream at them, or hit them, or handle them roughly, or shame them.  I really, really don’t want to vent out my emotional crap through my kids.

Another big rupture happened shortly after J and I went through our divorce.  Turns out grief manifests in me as it does in many men: anger, anger, anger.  I could feel a wave of it coming up, and was desperate to get my kids settled in front of the TV in our upstairs loft so I could take a break.  They could feel the tension emanating from me, and reacted by whining and protesting.  Shocking.  Finally, I lost it and yelled, “Please just watch your show!!”  Of course, that soothed them right away, and then, I held that powerful, “I’m an adult in complete control” stance as I lost my footing and slid down our wooden staircase on my ass.  My finest parenting moment to date.

I wish I was telling you all of this while sitting under a tree in a lotus posture, totally zen, referring to these past, totally resolved issues.  Nope.  I still struggle with moderating my emotions.  The good news is that I’ve learned a few ways to deal, minimizing the risk of negative impact on people around me.  One is intense music.  Most people feel anger reducing when listening to calm, soothing music, but sometimes the opposite is true for me.  I make sure the kids are settled, pop in ear buds and turn it a little too loud.  The sounds are slightly angrier than I feel. They envelope and hold me.  A go-to track is “Burning Inside” by Ministry, in which a sound the domestic goddess in me has decided is a vacuum cleaner melts into insanely fast drumming and impending doom guitar.  If I’m especially keyed up, I actually run the vacuum while listening.  This serves to further calm me, and assuage some of the inherent guilt that accompanies anger, because hey, look at those floors!  Planting my face into a pillow and screaming at the top of my lungs is amazing, and  often makes me laugh at the melodrama of it.  And of course, I know the donation pile is right there in the garage if I need it.

Brilliant psychotherapist Irvin Yalom writes about a female client who came to a session very distraught.  She tearfully explained that the night before, she had gotten drunk, had a huge fight with her husband, and ended up throwing a lemon pie against the wall.  The visual:  lemon custard oozing down the wall, broken pie plate and crust all over the floor.  Yalom said his instinct was to try and alleviate what he perceived was her guilt, reassuring her that it probably wasn’t so bad, to not be hard on herself, etc.  Turns out, he had read her wrong.  Her tears were grief over lost time.  For the first time, she had finally expressed her true feelings, in an impossible to take back way.  I repeat this story over and over, because it captures the essence of our right to messy emotions dead on.

One of my clients made my year when she emailed me this photo, and gave me permission to share.  The title:  “Look What I Did!”

angry_pie

Shaving cream pies.  Brilliant, cathartic and safe, because you won’t be tempted to lick lemon off your fence, eliminating splinter risk.

These little people look to you for containment, and you recognize that at times you can’t contain yourself.  And you step into another room, and throw a pie.  Then you come back to them, and you continue trying.  You own your humanity with them, and you are humble about your limitations. You soothe, repair, and clean the wall.  You try hard to stop whatever cycles could continue through you and into them.  And, perhaps most importantly, you show them how adults forgive themselves.

Disclaimer: I am in no way advocating senseless harm to innocent lemon pies, especially if they are gluten-free and topped with meringue.  Limits, people.

Here’s To Sanity and Yalom,

Cheryl

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Parenting as an Adoptive, Single Dad :: Wednesday Wisdom

April 16, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Kyler & Terry

Kyler & Terry

Meet Terry Cox… amazing dad to one of the coolest kids we know.  We’re excited to feature Terry because he brings two perspectives to our Wisdom table: that of an adoptive parent and a single dad.  Terry describes himself as a South Austinite, trying to stay young in mind and body. Terry worked as a licensed counselor for several years before transitioning into a business development role that he has grown into for the last 10+ years.  His hobbies include cycling, surfing, and staying active enough to eat Mexican food whenever he wants.  His top priorities in life are his faith, his son, his health, and his close friends and family.  Terry and, his son, Kyler, just radiate joy when they’re together – and it’s infectious.

BPP: Please tell us briefly about what led you to decide to adopt, and how you chose the agency?

TC: My now ex-wife and I both shared a desire to adopt a child even prior to our marriage.  She has a bi-racial daughter who played into our decision to have a “multi-color” non-traditional family.  We looked at both adoption and fostering, and it really became a no-brainer for us to go the foster to adoption route.  There is a huge need in our community in the foster system, plus it didn’t make sense monetarily, logistically, or for other reason for us to go the international adoption route.  We chose a foster agency that provided information and training, and off we were.

BPP:  As a father to be – how did you emotionally/mentally prepare for your son’s arrival?  What if any of those preparations felt unique to his being adopted?

TC: Things happened very fast for us.  Just a month after completing foster training, we got a call about Kyler (my son).  The agency gave us specifics about him and his biological parents, and told us we had 48 hours to make a decision (he was about to be discharged from the hospital at 4 weeks old). After much discussion with each other and family, and prayer, we decided that he was our boy.  It’s a pretty surreal experience.  One day you are on a business trip, the next day there is a knock on your door from two women holding your new baby.  It’s like the stork showed up.  From a preparation standpoint, we had nothing set up, not even a nursery.  Just open arms and hearts to welcome this amazing little baby.  In our experience, it seemed all the prep work that people feel they need is sometimes manufactured and causes more stress than good.

Emotionally, we just began the process right there, raising our son.  This was a wild ride, but I dove in head first and loved watching my son begin to bond with us.  Unique to adoption, for me, is this overwhelming feeling that I chose this specific boy.  There was a need, and we filled the void, and in turn he filled us.  It’s a great emotional experience.  It has strengthened my faith in many ways.

BPP: How did you feel and respond (both positive/difficult aspects) as you watched your new baby form the huge bond with his mom?

TC: I loved watching him bond with his mom, his sister and his extended family.  As parents, we developed the safe and secure world that our son would thrive in.  One thing I’m proud of is that even though our marriage didn’t last, we created a very nurturing and thriving environment for Kyler that continues today.

BPP: How did you and your baby’s mom try to support each other through the transition of adoption, and then welcoming a new baby?

TC: We were a team for the most part.  We shared night and day duties and were both active in all aspects of raising our baby.  With that said, things got stressful with new routines, habits, etc.  Looking back, I realize how we just took things as they came and adjusted to the moment.  Our extended family was very supportive as well.

BPP: What advice can you give new moms on how to best include and support their partners during this insane new parent transition?

TC: Make your partners a part of the process.  I’m sure that looks different for each person, but communicate and encourage your partner to participate in all aspects.  I think men can be passive and on the sideline, and my in opinion, nothing good comes from that approach.  Be active and engaged.  Moms… push your partners to engage.

BPP: When you went through your divorce, what steps did you take to keep yourself sane and strong as a parent?

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TC: Family, family, family.  My sister lives nearby and provided much emotional and logistical support.  I also re-invested in key friendships and in activities that re-fueled me like exercise.  After our divorce, my son was a little over a year old and was with me 50% of the time.  I was still very active in raising him, and had to learn to co-parent with my ex.  Some may think that raising a son caused more stress for me through the divorce, but playing the role of father is what kept me sane.  I realized that being a dad was the biggest return for me.  It kept me focused.

BPP: What are some of the biggest challenges you’ve faced in co-parenting with your ex?  How have you tried to address the challenges?

I think the biggest challenge is watching your tongue and not lashing out at your ex, even if it feels warranted.  A challenge for our situation is remaining calm with each other when one of us is stressed or irritable.  Another challenge is having to navigate logistics with holidays, work requirements, birthdays, etc.  The better two people can extend grace to each other and recognize that they are really on the same team, the better things can go.  Patience and taking a one-down approach, even when it’s not easy, always pays off in the end.

BPP: What advice would you offer new parents who end up divorcing while their children are young?

TC: Swallow your pride and remember, you have a child together, and your number one priority is to raise him or her to be healthy.  If your feelings get hurt, get over it…it’s never as big a deal as it seems.  If you’re angry, pause, and then pause again.  Never talk about a heated topic like visitation or money when you’re angry.  As much as you can, learn to celebrate key things for your child (birthdays, sporting events, church, milestones, etc.) together.  Don’t put your child in the middle of having to plan two things to placate his feuding parents.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?

TC: Don’t compare yourself to others…everyone is different…be genuine and real.  Whoops, that may be more than one.

Thank you Terry, for sharing your story with us.  We are grateful for awesome dads like you. – C & K ♥

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