love | baby proofed parents

Speak My Language :: Tuesday Tip

August 12, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

“I feel taken for granted, unappreciated.”

“I don’t feel close to my partner any more.”

“It seems like we’re bickering roommates… there’s no affection.”

These are some of the more common complaints that I hear from couples during their first counseling session. They’re not feeling the love and they’re looking for tools to bridge the gap. My usual response? “You guys are normal. Staying close and lovey-dovey as a couple is challenging, especially after introducing kids into the picture. Let’s dive in and talk about ideas for reconnecting.”

Invariably, our discussion leads us to the classic relationship guide, The Five Love Languages. As Dr. Gary Chapman explains in his decades-old book, most individuals have specific preferences when it comes to expressing and receiving love and affection. These preferences fall into five separate categories:

Words of Affirmation – Examples: Compliments, praise, acknowledgement, sweet messages written in a card or on a sticky note, nomination for “Parent of the Year” Award.

Acts of Service – Examples: Chores, home repairs, errands, shaving the hair on your partner’s back, anything on the To-Do List.

Receiving Gifts – Examples: As simple as a flower handpicked from the garden or as luxurious as a new BMW sitting in the driveway. (The latter being a tad over the top, but hey, it doesn’t hurt to plant a seed!)

Quality Time – Examples: Watching a favorite TV show together, chatting over coffee, going out on a date, talking on the phone, spending the day together running errands or wandering aimlessly at IKEA.

Physical Touch – Examples: Hugs & kisses, back rubs, casual touches, cuddling, gettin’ busy.

If you know your preferred love languages and those of your partner, you can request and express affection and appreciation in a way that feels like a fit. The tricky thing? Often the way that your partner prefers to show love is not necessarily what makes you feel warm and fuzzy, and vice versa. At times, couples feel like they need a translator to understand each other’s behavior.

Mind if I give you some examples from my own relationship? (I apologize in advance for any TMI.) My husband grew up in a home with two working parents and a much older brother. He remembers feeling lonely and bored as a young child. As an adult, he feels the most loved and connected when he gets Quality Time or Physical Touch. If he wants to express affection, he will offer a hug, suggest we head to the bedroom or ask me to watch a movie with him on the couch.

I, on the other hand, grew up as an over-achieving first-born in a crowded, chaotic house. I have two little boys hanging all over me on most days. Instead of Quality Time or Touch, I yearn for Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. Tell me that I am a good mom or paint that bedroom wall I’ve been whining about and I am putty in your hands.

Here’s the rub: If I only make pots of coffee for my husband and never initiate a kiss or a date night, I’m not operating with his lingo. If he only squeezes my butt, but neglects to give me verbal or written compliments, he is not communicating in my dialect. The trick to truly connecting with our partner is offering them affection and appreciation in a way that feels the most impactful to them. All five of the love languages feel loving, but tuning in to each other’s preferences will help you to feel more connected than ever.

If you haven’t already, I encourage you to take The Love Language Quiz with your partner and discuss the results. (Select the PDF version if you are short for time.) If you want more on the subject, pick up the book – it’s a great read for couples who want to strengthen their relationship. And then make an effort to speak your partner’s language on a regular basis. Life will feel more loving when you are both on the same page.

Here’s to sanity and butt squeezes,

Kirsten

On New Parents & Sex – Dr. Pat Love :: Wednesday Wisdom

June 25, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet Dr. Pat Love. It’s impossible to encapsulate Pat in a few sentences, or to fully showcase her expertise in one blog post, so we’ve chosen to glean her knowledge on transitioning your sexual relationship through the addition of a new baby to your family. You’ve likely seen Pat on TV and run across her articles in popular magazines, but she’s also a distinguished professor, licensed marriage and family therapist and long-standing clinical member/approved supervisor for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists. Pat has authored/co-authored numerous articles and six books, including Hot Monogamy and How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. She’s a popular national and international presenter, trainer and relationship consultant, but most of all, after 30 years she simply enjoys being a helper. I first heard Pat being interviewed on a radio talk show, and mid-way realized I was shouting out loud, “Yes!!! Me toooo!” When I’m yelling at a tiny clock radio in an empty bathroom, I’m pretty sure I’m in the presence of wisdom.

BPP: What drew you to specializing in relationships and intimacy issues?

PL: I am a life-long learner, and the drive to learn led me to research and study relationships. I had a lot to learn personally about love, intimacy, sexuality and parenting, and the more I learned along the way, the more I was able to pass this knowledge on to my clients as well as others in the helping professions. Because relationships are more difficult in the 21st century, the challenge of helping families and couples keeps me energized and excited. I am very grateful for meaningful work and the practical knowledge I’ve been able to pass on to others. It’s an exciting time to be a relationship consultant!

BPP: What are common sexual intimacy issues you see in couples who have added a new baby to the family?

PL: Pure exhaustion has to be the number one issue. The 24/7 responsibility cannot be explained to anyone who has not experienced it. Sleep deprivation, worry, time pressure and caregiver-overwhelm—all create a form of stress unlike any other. Oddly, this type of strain makes half the population want sex more and the other half of the population want sex less (Uh, what would be below wanting it less? Unconscionable? Out of the realm of possibility? Infuriating? Seriously?). A typical couple has one person from each category so you do the math. Desire discrepancy is the norm in most couples, but it becomes exacerbated during the first couple of parenthood years. This “I’m Hot and You’re Not Syndrome” can cause stress and compassion fatigue in couples.

Another fact not given enough attention is that new moms don’t get their normal libido back for at least a year after the baby’s birth, and even longer with breast feeding. This is Nature’s way of getting you to focus on this baby instead of making another one. Women may need to be more proactive when it comes to creating sexual desire, possibly a new experience not required before.

Another issue: the role of providing post-partum help and assistance to the mom. It is imperative for the partner to understand that help and support is directly tied to the mother’s sex drive. A partner who does not help is providing a strong sexual disincentive to the mother! Whatever is more powerful than a “turnoff” —use that word here to describe how it feels to be expected to be sexual when your partner is not helping or sensitive to the need for help.

One more thought: a new baby changes the family constellation and the roles the partners personify. When it’s just the two of you, all your discretionary time can be lavished on one another. Plus, the expectations are unified around the role of partner, best friend, confidant, sexual partner. When baby arrives, all of the sudden you are Mom and Dad, not just lovers and spouses. Whole new ball game. You are now sharing your time, energy and attention with another person who is by nature very demanding and determined to be the priority.

If the new baby isn’t your first, the issues mentioned above are still relevant because two, or three or four children take more time than one.

BPP: What is the average time frame in which a new mom could expect to feel her libido return to normal, and what are the factors that reduce a woman’s sex-drive after giving birth?

PL: This depends upon how long you’ve been in the relationship; how much personal knowledge you have about your own arousal/desire style; and your desire level prior to the pregnancy. For most women, the libido fully returns in about a year or after breast feeding has ceased. Medications and hormones can obviously change this. Women with a naturally high libido can see a return sooner.

BPP: What advice would you offer a new mom who is physically able to resume her sexual relationship, but can’t seem to get into the mood?

PL: First and foremost, honor yourself for sharing this normal experience with millions of women around the world! Second, let your imagination run wild and fantasize about what would excite you (not just sexually, but what would excite you period!). If your answer is something like, “A month of restful sleep,” then so be it. Negotiate from this point.

Post-partum turn-ons are likely very different than before. Be brave in voicing your needs and desires. If you need some of the pampering the baby is getting, then put it in positive, measureable and specific (you can remember the acronym PMS) terms for your partner to lavish on you. Examples: “For the next full week, let me sleep through the night while you get up with the baby.” “Take care of dinner through the end of this month.” “Ask your mom to bring dinner over once a week.” “Take care of the baby for one hour in the evening while I have some time to myself.”

BPP: What advice/perspective would you offer fathers/parenting partners who are feeling frustrated with the lack of post-baby physical intimacy?

First, do everything in your power to lower your partner’s stress; this is post-partum foreplay! Second, be as patient as possible in the first three months. Third, be clear about your sexual needs; make sure you are voicing your desire in a kind, clear manner. Lavish each other with S.O.S., skin-on-skin contact. It’s not just the baby who needs affection and caregiving! Don’t hesitate to seek guidance from good books, sites and support.

BPP: What are ways expectant couples can prepare proactively mentally/emotionally for the possible changes in their post-baby sexual relationship?

PL: Read, learn, talk to others who have done it successfully. Make sure your communication skills are exceptional; couples who can stay connected through this time are the happiest. Prioritize tasks and make sure your relationship is on the list. Some things you can let go for years (a neat garage or the perfect yard); others have to be made vital.

BPP: What do you find yourself saying over and over to new moms about their sexual relationships? New dads/parenting partners?

PL: Partnering is the primary part of parenting!

BPP: What are ways new parents can remain close intimately during the first 6 weeks after giving birth, when sex is off limits, and both parents are exhausted?

PL: Holding each other while you hold the baby. Lots of S.O.S. (skin-on-skin) with one another. Sleeping and napping together. Keeping chores to a minimum. Let others help. Ask for help so you can enjoy each other as well as the baby. Buy sleep, rest and fun via hiring out to get chores done. When others offer help, let them do the jobs that will enable you two to spend time together and with the baby.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?

PL: Buy more underwear—you won’t have to worry about doing laundry for yourself that way.

Thank you Pat, for your accessible suggestions and guardianship of couples! We value your work and are grateful for your contribution to our BPP volume of wisdom. And, we can’t resist this opportunity to note the sheer perfection of your last name.

C & K ♥

I’d Die For Them – A Modern Family’s Tale :: Monday Musing

June 23, 2014 By: babyproofedparents3 Comments

Occasionally at BPP we make things personal. Our hope is that revealing some of our own struggles and triumphs will resonate with and inspire you. Cheryl submitted this essay to the Gay Dad Project, an online resource for families in which one parent has come out as LGBTQ. The Gay Dad Project provides a safe space for families to tell their stories, connect and raise awareness. We decided her essay was worth sharing with you too.

I’d Die For Them – A Modern Family’s Tale

It’s easy to say you’d die for your kids. It seems standard to parenting – this unflinching belief that you’d throw yourself between them and the train or the rabid dog, drape your body over them as the tornado touches down, over the grenade as it detonates. We visualize these scenes and marvel at our selfless love. I’d reflexively sacrifice my life for them.

What I marvel at now? How much harder it is to sacrifice my ego. Even for one day. If I died, I wouldn’t have to witness the aftermath. Living, I have to watch the steady impact of how ill-prepared I feel for navigating the four of us through this alternative universe of modern family-ism.

Before J and I married, we had a secret exchange. Facing each other on his twin bed, I learned about his bisexuality, and he learned about my painfully colorful past. We offered each other absolution and acceptance. I fell in love with his jawline and his way of sitting quietly next to me whenever I cried or screamed. We plowed ahead for 13 sweet years, helping each other heal and deprogram the shame we’d been fed a steady diet of since birth. We started to outgrow the construct of our marriage when we had our daughter, and when we had our son two years later, we combusted. I never recovered my desire to be intimate with him after my first pregnancy. I blamed hormones, stress, my history of detaching emotionally, anything I could find to avoid seeing what was slowly changing right in front of me. His lifelong fight to live comfortably in our hetero world and inflate the slight side of himself that was attracted to women was diminishing.

At bedtime, we tell our children, “We love you no matter what.” He sat in duplicity night after night – saying it to our daughter and son, but incapable of saying it to himself. While he silently swallowed back his knowing and his fear, I started having feelings for another man, rendering my explanations for my lack of libido moot. Then there was the night. I walked into the house, took his hand, led him away from the roasted chicken sitting on the table and into our bedroom. I spilled my guts. 48 hours of crying and talking and yelling and silence later, he came out.

I can’t begin to fathom J’s pain, and it’s not mine to share. My grief was rage. My tears were sweat. Buckets of it, spilled on weights at the gym, on the streets of our neighborhood as I ran in the dark watching the houses wake up, on one tiny square of kitchen floor tile as I danced late at night like a rave maniac raising blisters on the soles of my feet. Music blared into my ears, as loud as I could get it. I exponentially worsened the hearing damage inflicted in college when Gibby Haynes came onstage firing blanks from a shotgun. I was trying to move my body away from this new reality and drown out the sound of breaking.

Regarding perspectives, I’m Team Frankl: they’re chosen, and I prefer mine fresh. My ego begged me to make J’s sexuality personal. “See? You knew this risk all along. You signed up to get duped. You’re not woman enough to sustain him.” But it’s not about me. It’s not about him. It’s about freedom. The freedom to choose: live a facade, or acknowledge that something big grew from within us and had to break our construct into a million pieces if any of us were to evolve. How strong is the father of my children? He’s more masculine than many straight men I know, because he had the balls to reveal his true identity to himself, his religion, his family, and in what now feels like a gift, to me. And I got to receive the gift first.

It’s fitting. Our friendship became lust at Six Flags Over Texas. Our split went down roller-coaster style, as we held hands and eye contact, and stepped out over the abyss. We’re slowly guiding two gorgeous little people through what it’s like to live with parents who sometimes have no clue who we are. We narrate as we go, answering their 3 and 5-year-old questions with the constant underscore, “Your parents respect and love each other, and give each other freedom.” We’re fearfully and proudly living as a modern family: divorced part-time housemates/besties/co-parents rotating through the home where our kids live full time and an apartment where we individually live part-time. You’d just have to see it to understand it, but it’s beautiful and it works. We surround ourselves with people who support us. And love those who don’t, but politely remind them where our door is located should they need it.

If we’d give up our lives for our kids, can we give up our egos and our grand plans and our “situations”? Because what are those things anyway? Especially when they’re situated comparatively next to evolution, freedom and love? Give me huge servings of the latter.