postpartum | baby proofed parents

4 Ways to Keep the Love Alive :: Tuesday Tip

June 17, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Last November, English researchers published a study arguing that child-less couples are happier in their relationships than couples with kids. Within hours of the press release, the researchers’ claims were splashed around the Internet and a healthy, heated debate ensued. People argued that the research was flawed, that children brought immeasurable happiness and that the long-term benefits of being a parent outweighed the short-term strains on an intimate relationship.

Many of us parents (who were at home changing diapers and wiping snotty noses) did not participate in the debate. Instead we rolled our eyes and said, “Well… duh… we could have told you that!” It’s a widely known fact that having children takes a toll on a relationship: You can’t go on dates at the drop of a hat. You and your partner get less one-on-one time together. And if the two of you do sneak in some alone time, you’re often too tired to do anything other than watch a movie and doze off on the couch.

That being said, I’m going to argue that parents can prove the research wrong. As a counselor, I have observed many couples grow closer than ever after adding littles to their tribe. Watching your partner bring a child into the world and then morph into a mother or father can be a very sweet and endearing process. My advice is to capitalize on this new-found appreciation of each other, and then make a very deliberate and conscious effort to keep the spark alive. It can be done, I promise! Here are four suggestions for feeling closer than ever to your mate:

Share Your Gratitude: Get in the habit of thanking each other for the smallest things. Thank you for emptying the dishwasher. Thanks for giving me a breather and taking over with our colicky baby last night when I was about to lose it. I really appreciate how you didn’t dump your shoes in the middle of the floor when you came home yesterday. Thank you for picking up my favorite dark chocolate at the grocery store. Thank your partner, and then thank them again. The attitude of gratitude in your relationship will feed positivity and help you to appreciate your partner rather than resent them.

Re-Romanticizing Exercise: After a couple has been together for several years, they typically grow out of the habit of doing sweet things for each other. The reasoning: You’ve secured your partner. No need to charm or court them anymore, right? Wrong. In his book, Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix gives his readers this assignment: Make a list of ten small gestures that make you feel special and loved. Ask your partner to do the same, and then exchange the lists. Need some inspiration for your list? Think back to when you and your spouse were dating. Some examples might be:

Come home with flowers for no reason.
Rub my shoulders for ten minutes.
Bring me a cup of coffee in bed. (Better yet, with whipped cream and a dash of cinnamon on top!)
Leave a sweet note on the fridge.
Light a fragrant candle before I get home.
Whip together my favorite dinner.
Put fresh linens on the bed and then turn down the sheet.
E-mail me a short poem.

You get the picture. After you’ve exchanged lists, commit to doing two things for your partner every week, unannounced, no strings attached. These random acts of kindness will help to naturally manifest an atmosphere of support and love.

Make Time for Couple Time: OK, we know that new parents do not have the time or energy to get out very often, if at all. But there are work-arounds to this dilemma. Set aside time for “home-dates”. Some examples: Cuddling on the couch while you watch your favorite TV show. Sharing a cup of coffee or a glass of vino on the back patio. Perusing the IKEA or West Elm catalog together for that rug you really need. When your babies are old enough to be left alone, book a babysitter at least once a month and get out on a date. You need to make time for each other. And that is an order!

Bedtime Compliments: I’m not referring to complimenting your partner for their bedroom skills, although that can’t hurt! Instead I encourage you get in the habit of sharing one thing that you love about each other before you go to bed each night. I love the sound of your voice on the phone. I really like how organized you are. I love that you are able to find the humor in the ridiculousness of being covered in spit up. You are so sexy when you dance around the kitchen in your pajamas. No matter how tired you are, it is nice to fall asleep knowing that you are appreciated in a very specific way.

OK, so I know what you are thinking: Do we really have to force these things in our relationship? Shouldn’t this stuff happen organically and spontaneously? Sure, that would be ideal. But when you are sleep-deprived and surrounded by diapers, dishes and dirty laundry, it is crucial to put aside time to connect with and appreciate your partner, or else the relationship can easily slip through the cracks.

According to the same research study mentioned earlier, it is the simple expressions of gratitude and appreciation that play a big role in fulfilling marriages. So be deliberate and conscious about making these gestures part of your relationship. And then give yourself and your partner time. As the years fly by, and your kids get older, you will find more and more time to connect, and the spark that you kept alive can be fanned into a full-fledged flame. Let’s make a collective effort to prove the researchers wrong and find romance in our relationships amidst the diapers, burp cloths and butt paste.

Here’s to sanity and sparks,

Kirsten

The Hardest Job :: Monday Musing

June 9, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Parenting is the hardest job you’ll EVER have. I repeatedly heard folks say this before I had my first child but I had no earthly idea what they meant. “I think I’ll take up scrap booking while I’m home with baby… you know, something to fill up my time,” I casually mentioned to one of my co-workers toward the end of my first pregnancy. She chuckled, slowly swiveling her chair back toward her computer monitor, unable to dignify my statement with a response.

Later, I discovered that I would have NO time for scrap booking and that parenting truly IS the hardest job. It’s also the most rewarding and the most courageous job. But let’s just be honest, it is DAMN hard. And to illustrate this point, I’d love you to participate in a visualization with me. I would ask you to close your eyes… but then you couldn’t read… so just work with me for a few minutes.

Imagine THIS:

You and your spouse/partner get the news that each of you just landed your dream job. Better yet, both of you will get to work for the same company, in the same office, on the same start date. How fun is that? The only catch is that you don’t report to work for nine months. And during those nine months, you will have very limited and sporadic job training. Just a few hours here and there, in which someone will share with you what your job might be like, but they really can’t tell you for sure.

Your excitement and anticipation grow as the months tick by, but while you wait, you are plagued by some (or all) of the following: excessive weight gain, heartburn, constipation, insomnia and occasional nausea. What a splendid way to start my job, you groan, while hanging out in your new favorite spot, the restroom.

As the nine-month mark approaches, it’s go-time. You get the news that it’s time for you and your partner to report to work. How cool! But WAIT. Before doing so, you will need to go through the most physically and psychologically exhausting ordeal that you have ever experienced. The same goes for your partner, who will emotionally and vicariously stand by your side through this process. Your excitement is through the roof any way, because hey, you’re starting your dream job, right?

You are officially in your new position now and you are overjoyed. For the first couple days, a few sweet, well-meaning individuals pop into your cubicle from time to time, and give gentle suggestions. But for the most part, you and your partner have to figure out the new protocols and procedures on your own. You quickly realize that you will not get to leave your workplace to rest at night. Even coffee and lunch breaks are obsolete. Every time you do get some sleep, you will randomly be jolted awake. In the meantime, your body is still recovering from everything it went through a few days ago, and your hormones are raging. Add this to the sleep deprivation, and you alternate between beaming with pleasure and sobbing uncontrollably. You begin to wonder if you’re developing multiple personalities. You’re trying to figure out if your partner is an angel sent from heaven or a demon trying to confuse and frustrate you further.

For the first few days, the new system you are working on is fairly quiet and peaceful, but after a week or so, it suddenly wakes up and there is no rhyme or reason to how it is functioning. You reach out to others, who have worked with this “hardware” before, and they give you vague pointers, but it seems like your system is different from everyone else’s. Not to mention, noisy! Never fear though – as the weeks stream by, you and your partner begin to figure out your job duties. You even give each other fist bumps for rocking your new positions. And yet, every time you say, “We got this thing!” – everything changes – and you have to figure out the new protocols all over again.

Despite the hardships and bewilderment, you and your partner are still in an odd state of satisfaction, so you stay with the company for 18 years, knowing that every few months, your job requirements will completely change, with no additional training, and you will be challenged in ways you never knew. But you know that it will all pay off in the end – and you experience daily (or weekly) glimpses of the purest pleasure you’ve ever known.

THAT is why parenting is the hardest job. There’s no training, there’s no user manual, there’s no report card or annual review to let you know you are doing OK. There are physical and emotional strains on both you and your partner. And your child and parenting situation are uniquely challenging and amazing all at once. But if you ask any parent if they would take on this job again, their answer is always YES. In fact, quite frequently, one to two years after accepting the first job, parents sign up to do it all over again. Wha???

Cheryl and I have both reported to the workplace of babyhood, and we know it can be a doozy. Try to think of Baby Proofed Parents as that nosy, but super sweet & helpful co-worker who wants to give you tons of advice (and a touch of juicy gossip) while you’re adjusting to your new position. We may not provide on-the-job training, but we definitely offer on-the-job encouragement and a much-needed fist bump here and there. You will ROCK the job of parenthood, we just know that you will.

Here’s to sanity and cubicles,

Kirsten

Climbing Out Of The Darkness :: Wednesday Wisdom

May 14, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet A’Driane Nieves. She is a Postpartum Depression and Anxiety survivor who writes about navigating the nuances of motherhood and Bipolar Disorder Type 2. A’Driane is also a USAF disabled veteran, writer and artist best known for her love of Prince (He re-tweeted her once!), and her hot pink streaked afro. You can read her mind at her blog Butterfly-Confessions.com, and read her random thoughts on Twitter (@addyeB). She was most recently named one of BlogHer’s Voices of the Year for 2014. She lives in Austin, Texas with her futurist husband and three boys.

BPP: You have written extensively and beautifully about your battle with post-partum depression. Can you briefly share what living with PPD was like for you?

AD: For me, living with PPD was like living in a dark room that you’re constantly stumbling around in, trying to find a light switch. At the same time, I felt like I was sitting atop a speeding train and had no idea where I was headed. It was a very unsettling and dark period in my life. It was like someone came in and robbed me of myself, of my being, and left nothing but this shell of a person. I felt lost. Very, very lost.

BPP: How did you recognize that your symptoms were more than the average “baby blues”?

AD: I knew something was wrong when my son (now four years old) was around three months old. He had moderate reflux during those early months and constantly wanted to be held. His crying was very triggering for me. He would cry and I would immediately break out into a sweat. My thoughts would become scattered, my heart would race, my body would tense up and I’d think about running away. On top of anxiety, I also experienced rage and deep wells of depression once the rage would dissipate. The rage was scary – it was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. It would come on unexpectedly, usually triggered by something as minor as my older son spilling something. It was so intense, I’d be shaking. I did a lot of screaming, which I still carry a lot of shame about. I spent a lot of time hiding in the bathroom, crying, consumed with guilt and wondering why I couldn’t enjoy my children. When I was at my worst, I felt completely overwhelmed and incapable of being a “good” mother. I had intrusive thoughts – scary thoughts would flash through my mind while I was driving, cooking or bathing my kids. I dreaded each day, having to talk to people and even having to hold my son. There were days I was so “touched out”, holding him or having my oldest give me a hug would make my skin crawl. It was awful. Truly awful. It was hell. I felt so lost. Had no idea what was happening to me.

BPP: What helped you to finally “climb out of the darkness” and overcome your PPD?

AD: When my son was ten months old, I remember being so consumed with sadness for two weeks that I was suicidal. It was January 2011. I remember sitting down in my closet one night after my kids had finally gone to bed, closing the door and I just lost it right there, not understanding what was wrong with me, and wanting relief from it. I had heard of Postpartum Depression but I didn’t really know much about it – I knew of no other women in my life who had it, and my OB didn’t discuss it with me. When I had mentioned at my six week visit I felt “off” he said it was normal, just hormones, and wrote me a prescription for an anti-depressant (if I felt I needed to use it). That was it. So I Googled some of my symptoms and the first site that came up in the search results was Postpartum Progress. I read the “Plain Mama English” guides on what PPD and other postpartum-related mental illnesses were and finally felt like I had an idea as to what I had been experiencing. I emailed Katherine Stone (the founder) and the next day, she responded, reassuring me that I would be OK, I wasn’t a bad mother and that what I had was treatable – I just needed to seek help. She directed me to the Postpartum Stress Center in Rosemont, PA, and that’s where I began treatment. Saved my life. What also helped during my recovery was finding #PPDChat on Twitter, run by Lauren Hale of My Postpartum Voice. It’s a weekly chat on Twitter that offers peer support from other women who are still struggling and those who are survivors.

BPP: Can you share more about Post-Partum Progress and it’s mission?

AD: Postpartum Progress is a nonprofit laser focused on improving maternal mental health by increasing awareness of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders like PPD and giving mothers tools that connect them to the help they need. Postpartum Progress is all about ensuring mothers know the facts on perinatal mental illness, encouraging them to seek treatment as soon as possible, and eliminating the stigma surrounding these illnesses that keep so many women silent and untreated every year. They empower moms to care for their mental health, which in turn helps their families have the strongest start possible. It is now known that 1 in 7 mothers experiences a perinatal mental illness like PPD – it is the most common complication of childbirth, impacting over 1 million women every year in just the US alone. Yet only 15% of those impacted receive adequate treatment, so that means more than half a million women are going untreated every year. Research shows that untreated depression in mothers has a long-term impact on their children’s development, which really makes this not just a women’s health issue but a children’s health issue as well. The good news is that perinatal mental illnesses are treatable! Postpartum Progress works hard to create outreach and support programs that help mothers as they work toward recovery. The community Katherine has built over the last 10 years through Postpartum Progress is just amazing – I’ve never met a braver or more authentic community of women. So supportive and committed to changing the conversation about mental health and effecting change. Katherine calls women who suffer from perinatal mental illnesses Warrior Moms, and the Warrior Mom Army is FIERCE.

BPP: How are you currently advocating for PPD awareness and outreach?

AD: Right now most of my advocacy revolves around helping Postpartum Progress in any way I can. I’m on the editorial team for the blog. I participated in this year’s Mother’s Day Rally for Moms, an annual event Postpartum Progress holds on the blog every year to encourage pregnant and new moms who are suffering and working their way to recovery. I’m heavily involved with fundraising for Postpartum Progress through its annual fundraising & awareness event called Climb Out of the Darkness. On June 21st, the longest day of the year, Warrior Moms all over the world will be climbing, walking, and hiking to represent our rising out of the darkness of PPD and related illness and into the light and hope of recovery. It is the world’s largest event raising awareness of postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety and OCD, postpartum PTSD, postpartum psychosis, postpartum bipolar disorder and depression and anxiety during pregnancy. I’m also co-chairing the upcoming Warrior Mom Conference which is taking place next summer in Boston. We’ll be getting together with moms from all over the country to celebrate recovery and get skills training on how to better advocate for maternal mental health in our own communities. On a smaller scale, I do what I can to help destigmatize ALL mental illness by sharing from my personal experience on my blog and other social media.

BPP: Can you share some common misconceptions about PPD?

AD: I think one of the biggest misconceptions about PPD is that if you have it, you’re just sad all the time, which isn’t the case for so many women I know. There’s a wide range of symptoms that women can experience based on what type of illness they are suffering from that are very rarely discussed. I mentioned rage eariler – no one ever told me that rage was a symptom of depression, or that noises like an infant crying could trigger an anxiety or panic attack. The other big misconception is that if you just do all the “right” things – eat right, exercise, adopt a certain parenting lifestyle, etc., you will avoid developing PPD, and that it’s something you can just get rid of on your own. PPD and related illnesses don’t discriminate. In fact, most women have their first depressive episode in the first year postpartum. And PPD doesn’t just go away when it’s left untreated. As I mentioned before it can have a long-term impact on the health of mothers and their babies if never treated properly.

BPP: What is your life like now as a mother?

AD: Life as a mother now is…chaotic but manageable! I have three boys now – a 7, 4, and 6 mo and life is super busy. There are hard days and moments where I’m overwhelmed but I’m grateful to have a treatment plan that works for me, and a solid support system that includes fellow Warrior Moms. (They seriously are the freaking best.) My bond with all three of my children (even the one I had PPD with) is rock solid. My postpartum experience with my 6mo has been the complete opposite of what I experienced 4 years ago. Having support, and being aware really does make all the difference. I love being a mom now. I don’t dread it like I did during those dark days.

BPP: You are a seasoned and well-known blogger. Can you talk about how writing has helped you in your battle with a mood-disorder?

AD: I’ve always been a writer but I started my blog as a way to help me just brain dump all that I had going on four years ago. Writing has always helped me process what I’m wrestling my way through, and my blog has definitely helped me navigate the ups and downs of motherhood and mental illness. It’s given me a safe place to go to, you know? It’s the one place I know I can go and just be completely vulnerable, sharing whatever it is that comes out when I start typing on the keyboard. It gives me insight into myself, and helps me articulate something that I might be having a hard time explaining out loud to someone like my husband or psychiatrist. I t also helps me feel less alone. People will read and comment, and say, “Hey, me too,” and that helps me keep fighting on the hard days. Even when no one reads and there aren’t any comments, just having that space to say what I need to is crucial. My hope is that by being completely honest and vulnerable there, I can leave an archive that my boys can read when they’re older. They might want to understand who I was as a person living with mental illness, a woman and their mother.

BPP: What advice would you give to any new mother (or father) who feels like they are sinking emotionally after bringing a baby into their life?

AD: You are not alone. You are not “crazy”. You are not a bad parent for feeling the way you do, and it’s not your fault you feel this way. You are loved and worthy and the very best parent for your child. Be honest with yourself about what you’re experiencing. Seek professional help. Be your own advocate-fight for yourself like you would for your child or even for yourself if you had a physical illness like cancer. Find support groups both online and off. Let others help you. It gets better. It really does. It did for me.

A’Driane, thank you, thank you for sharing your story with us and for advocating so passionately for other parents who struggle with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. Your dedication and transparency are true gifts to other new mothers and fathers. – C & K ♥

Want to contribute to Team Austin’s Climb Out of the Darkness Fundraiser? https://www.crowdrise.com/addyeB-COTD2014/fundraiser/addyeB

Want to read more about A’Driane? Check out her blog: http://butterfly-confessions.com/

Want to learn more about Postpartum Progress? http://www.postpartumprogress.com/about

Read Katherine Stone’s Call to Action on National Healthy Babies Healthy Mother’s Coalition’s site for their “May Campaign” initiative during Maternal Mental Health Week (this week!): http://www.hmhb.org/2014/05/maternal-mental-health-call-to-action/

Make it Clear – 3 Reasons Why Moms Won’t Tell You What They Need :: Tuesday Tip

May 6, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Have you ever whisper-screamed? If you’re thinking hard, you probably haven’t. Operating definition – the sound resulting from two opposing forces: the need to scream combined with the need to stifle. You are freaking out, but don’t want your neighbors to think you’re being murdered, don’t want to wake the baby, or know deep down that the situation doesn’t really warrant a full-blown scream.

I personally discovered this skill years ago, when a huge tree roach flew into my apartment. If you haven’t seen a tree roach, have a look at this sucker and prepare for about a week of nightmares:

I’m generally not afraid of bugs or spiders, but roaches are the sentient, evil exception. It was running in confused circles at warp speed on the floor. I froze. There were no options. I couldn’t use my normal bug tactic, holding it loosely in a tissue and gently setting it outside, because if I got too close, it would run up my body, into my gaping, horrified mouth and down my throat. And I couldn’t step on it, because it had a completely formed skeleton, organs and intestines, and would make my living room look like a crime scene. So, I did the only thing I could. I slowly backed away and whisper-screamed, “loud”, three times.

I busted the whisper-scream again when my daughter was a few weeks old. Breastfeeding was a difficult process for me. Once I got into a good position, I had a habit of clenching myself, remaining as still as possible to avoid jinxing the flow. A few minutes into this particular late night session, I realized I’d forgotten two essential things: a big glass of water and my book. Her dad, J, was asleep in the next room. I tried to reason with myself. Surely I could get through the next 30-45 minutes without these small comforts…but my need for them only intensified. I spotted the baby monitor and decided it was worth waking him.

I started by softly calling his name. No response. I leaned as far as I could toward the monitor. “J!” Nothing. As slowly and carefully as possible, I lifted the nursing pillow and my baby girl, intently keeping both in locked position, and inched toward the monitor until my face was pressed against it. Full on whisper-scream: “JAAAYYYYYY!!!” Silence. I shambled into our bedroom, mid-air breastfeeding on the way. I woke him up, indignant, and we argued about how it was possible for him to sleep through all of that whisper-screaming??

I was being ludicrous. Why didn’t I just stop feeding her for one minute, be okay with the risk of her crying in protest, wake him up gently and in person, and ask him to help me? Or, just take care of myself?

Why not cut the whisper and just scream? Or better yet, calmly and clearly ask for what you need?

Here are three reasons blocking many of us from making our needs and wants crystal clear, often resulting in our partners feeling set up to fail:

We don’t know what our needs are. During the first few months of a baby’s life, sleep is erratic, if happening at all (did you know that sleep deprivation/interruption is a torture tactic used by terrorists?), and there’s a constant focus on keeping up with this sweet, helpless being’s needs. This is often at the detriment of our ability to tune inward and assess what would feel good or helpful. By the time one round of breastfeeding, diaper changing, playing and napping has completed, it’s time to start the whole process over again. Ask an exhausted new mom in the throws, “Hey, what can I get you? A snack? Lip balm?” and you might be met with a blank stare, and this answer: “Hmmmm. A lobotomy?”
We want you to read our minds. The femininity training many of us receive ingrains our preoccupation with the big picture, which is dominated by other people’s needs: who’s hungry, sad, bored, needs a drink refill, and how can we personally assist? When we have babies, this big picture skill intensifies to a sometimes scary degree. We long for our partners to have this skill too. We want you to walk into our shared space, survey the scene and intuit our needs, which to us, are obvious. See the dishes and laundry and spit up and hear the baby and the toddler crying and look at us and know that we need a hug, need you to scoop the kids up and away from us, put that load into the dryer, and make us an Old Fashioned. If you don’t ask, “How can I help?” we feel invisible. Even though that feeling is not your fault, nor is it based in any sort of rational logic, it’s there, deep down, and it’s terrible.
We’re afraid the answer will be “no,” or worse, no response. What if we identify our needs, clearly communicate them, and our partners can’t or won’t respond? What then? Maybe it means having to take a deeper look at the relationship, and either coming to terms with our partner’s limitations, or not coming to terms and pushing for change. Acknowledging and communicating your needs clearly means you have to be ready to face your partner’s answer, which can be a scary prospect.

The not easy or fun but incredibly empowering solution? Start by internally identifying what you need and want, without trying to justify or talk yourself out of it. Then, using effective communication, spell it out to your partner, and ask him or her to respond in a specific, behaviorally quantifiable way. Say it, email it, text it, or haiku it. Wait for a response, and no matter what you hear (even if it’s silence), know that you did everything you could by communicating clearly. Don’t be a whisper-screamer. And comfort yourself in the knowledge that you are bigger than the tree roach. At least by a little.

Here’s To Sanity and Clarity,

Cheryl

Spill It :: Monday Musing

April 13, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

When my daughter’s sleep disturbances first began, I didn’t realize she was in the early stages of colic, which has nothing to do with hunger. Like many parents, I found a way to blame myself, wrongly believing that I was not producing enough milk, hence, wrongly believing she was slowly starving. The nights of her crying non-stop were getting raw. I felt so much pressure from within and out to feed her breast milk exclusively, and had wedged myself into a corner. I stopped talking about it, because I was ashamed of the total lack of love I felt for breastfeeding. I’d believed it would be a blissful and bonding experience for us, like it is for most moms and babies. I didn’t know this had nothing to do with milk. I was losing my grip.

Enter my sister-in-law, Traci. She’s on the bad-ass list, and I was beyond ready for her visit. I’d planned to have everything sorted out by then, so she could just bond with her new niece, and we could sip decaf while wearing cute velour sweat pants and talking about how awesome it is to be a mom. The version of me she actually encountered? A total mess. I melted into her hug, and she said, “Sissie, talk to me.”

Loaded pause.

The reasons people struggle with vulnerability are endless. I’ll share my personal top three.

“I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.” As a therapist, I am very adept at identifying what my clients are feeling, but my internal gauge is flawed. My family of origin had some great attributes, but one of our challenges was emotional repression. Feelings were not discussed or reflected. As an adult I have to work hard to identify what I’m feeling, let alone deal with it or describe it to others.
“I don’t want to burden anyone.” Part of repression comes from an irrational fear that the messiness of your feelings could actually harm someone (from negatively impacting their mood, to the extreme of actually physically injuring them). Not to mention the risk of judgement, my most feared version being that people will think I want pity. In her book, Daring Greatly, Brené Brown writes, “We can’t let ourselves be seen if we’re terrified by what people might think. Often, ‘not being good at vulnerability’ means that we’re damn good at shame.”
“Other people have it way worse.” This is true. When I listen to my clients and friends, I marvel at what they’ve had to overcome just to function, let alone open themselves to trusting me or anyone else. Rising to a global view, things can look horrific. My hypocrisy enters here, because I never comparatively quantify others’ feelings. I reserve all the judgement for myself.

I pushed through it all with Traci, because I felt I had no choice. Disclaimer: I might have dreamed this exchange, because I was sleep deprived. But, I like this version, so it will go down in the annals (Freud made me use that word) as truth. “I’m not okay I’m freaking out she won’t stop crying all night and I think it’s because I’m not producing enough milk and she’s starving and people keep saying I’ll feel it when my milk ‘lets down’ but I don’t feel shit and when I squeeze my boob nothing comes out should I show you? no? what if she starves?” I caught my breath, and Traci, in her beautiful, strong voice said, “Hey. Rita. It’s going to be okay.”

Why’d she call me Rita? That’s her pet name for when I get worked into a mash-up of excitement, anxiety and neurotic hyper-focus. She once accompanied me on a mission to buy a used silver Honda Accord. I tracked one down, and was told on the phone to meet with a salesperson named Rita. In this case, Excitement = a silver Accord…wheee! Anxiety = the last silver Accord on the planet will be sold out from under me. Neurotic Hyper-Focus = I must find Rita, immediately, and at all costs. When we entered the dealership, I walked, fast, up to the first four salespeople I encountered, one of whom was a man, thrusting my hand forward in a firm, “I’m no sucka” shake, exclaiming, “Hiiii, Rita! Are you Rita???” while Traci stood slightly behind me, shrugging her shoulders apologetically at each non-Rita, silently mouthing, “Meth.”

I cried out my fears, and she just sat with me. Then she picked up my daughter and said, “Look at her.” I did. I saw a round, vibrant face. Little rolls of fat on her legs. Sustained. Traci said, “Forest for the trees. She’s okay, and she’s going to be okay. We will figure this out, but she’s not starving. You are doing an amazing job.” Fear drained out of me, replaced by clear vision.

My friend Dennis is surviving cancer, and intimate with death. I take what he says seriously. His theory on pain and joy is that everyone gets numbered slices of each. The slices are utterly disproportionate across people and from my limited view, there’s no explanation. Certainly no justification. I only know that I feel the warmest and most purposeful when people share their pain and joy with me, I see myself in it, and I grow from the reflection. And when I share my pain and joy with them, and they are released to see and share their own more freely. The opposite of this warmth is alienation. I won’t dilute this: alienation kills.

Think you’re protecting yourself by hiding your real? You’re not. You’re likely too close to your situation to see clearly, your face pressed against a Seurat. Opening yourself to others’ light allows you out of the patterns trapping you in your corner. Think you’re protecting others? You’re not. You’re alienating them, depriving them of potential growth as they see themselves in you, feel closer to you, and naturally share their own real. If you have someone you already trust, lean into them. Take them to your crazy town, and air out your fears. If you feel you don’t have anyone, try building trust with a therapist. If you try and the therapist sucks or just isn’t the right fit, try someone else (I went to several before I found my Elaine). Just spill it. We need each other. It’s how we’re wired.

Here’s To Sanity and Rita,

Cheryl

Why Can’t I Get Just One Kiss? :: Tuesday Tip

April 7, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

After the transformative experience of adding a new life to your family, it’s fascinating how comfortable you can become with this little being attached to you, at all times. Many parents feel weird the first time they leave home without their baby – it’s as if they’re walking around missing an appendage. During the first week of her life, there was a moment when I realized I’d been holding, breast feeding or lying next to our daughter for 12 solid hours. I walked onto our back porch to get a breather, and our cat made a dash for me, meowing for attention. I snuggled with her, but realized the LAST thing I wanted was to touch or be touched by another living creature. I thrive on affection, so feeling saturated to that level was monumental for me. It hadn’t occurred to me until then how good a break could feel, to just be alone in my own skin.

Translate this to my relationship with her father, J. Affection was huge for us, and if we were in arm’s reach of each other, we were usually connected physically, even if it was just sitting close enough for our legs to touch. During those early weeks with our daughter, it was as if we just forgot. One of us was constantly attending to her, and touching each other only occurred by accident when passing her back and forth. One afternoon while she slept, we sat down on the couch to catch up, and I scooted close to him for a hug. Woah! We simultaneously realized how much time had passed since we’d last intentionally touched each other, and how much we’d missed it.

It’s normal to feel the need for space. You are experiencing constant skin-on-skin contact with a baby who needs you to survive. To keep balance, you need moments of separation and autonomy, but remember that another part of your balance is a healthy relationship with your partner. Make an effort to touch each other as often as you can, even if it’s just a quick hug or shoulder rub. (An aside, to those couples for whom eye contact equals kissing equals sex, and sometimes the kissing part gets skipped, those early weeks are a different challenge since most medical professionals sanction sex for new moms until 6 weeks after giving birth. Perhaps this could be a fun exercise in restraint? Or for those of you who really don’t dig affection, substitute what does feel good and connecting, like words of affirmation or quality time.) Physical contact, even if slight, can help you feel closer through those insane early weeks, giving you both more peace of mind, which will benefit your baby immensely.

BPP Sanity Savers:

As a parent, it’s normal to feel moments of, “Get off me! Everyone! Just get off me!!!” Allow yourself guilt-free alone time to recharge.
Remember that your relationship with your partner will also thrive with constant maintenance. Go out of your way to give physical affection to each other.
Make time for openness with your partner about what feels good physically and how you’d like to be touched. Having a baby impacts hormones, sleep and emotions, which can cause your needs and preferences to dramatically flux. Frequent communication can help you keep up with each other and stay connected.

Here’s To Sanity and Hugs,

Cheryl

On Postpartum Depression and Anxiety :: Wednesday Wisdom

April 1, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Postpartum depression and anxiety are issues that affect many women, and yet our society does not discuss or address these topics nearly enough. That is why we are featuring the expertise of Dr. Kelly Boyd for this week’s Wednesday Wisdom. Dr. Boyd is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Round Rock, Texas, specializing in reproductive related issues including endometriosis, fertility/assisted reproduction, high-risk pregnancy, pregnancy and postpartum anxiety/depression, NICU issues, medical termination, and perinatal grief and loss. She is on the advisory board of the Pregnancy and Postpartum Health Alliance of Texas, the Association of Reproductive Health Professionals and is an active member of Postpartum Support International.

Dr. Boyd facilitates a free weekly postpartum support group at Any Baby Can, and also does a bi-monthly pregnancy and infant loss group at St. David’s Hospital. She’s the mother of two teens and is very active within the parenting support community. We are so honored to feature her experience and insight on postpartum issues, which impact so many parents, yet are surrounded by much unnecessary stigma, rendering them difficult to openly discuss. And they need to be openly discussed.

BPP: How do you define “Reproductive Psychology”, and what drew you to focusing your practice on these issues?

DKB: Reproductive psychology is defined as the practice of emotional support and counseling given to individuals, families and groups dealing with various types of reproductive issues that don’t go as planned in any part of the reproductive process.

Many people assume the reproductive process will just happen, but often it does not, and we are faced with statements and experiences that can result in feeling “it wasn’t supposed to be like this”. Often these struggles can be traumatic and can affect a person/relationship physically, emotionally, relationally, financially and spiritually. Supportive reproductive counseling can help the person become more aware, gain insight and feel less alone in a process that often feels scary or out of control.

I became interested in reproductive psychology after personally experiencing many of these issues myself. I also began to notice something unique about the assessment and treatment of reproductive related depression, anxiety and grief. While there was tremendous medical care for families, little was being done to emotionally support families through reproductive challenges. So, I became passionate about serving and educating the community and health professionals about the psychology of the reproductive process.

BPP: What are a few major differences between postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety?

DKB: One of my passions is educating about postpartum mood and anxiety disorders. People often only refer to “postpartum depression”, but it’s often not only depressive symptoms. Many women experience both depression and anxiety, and sometimes more of one than the other. Postpartum panic, postpartum OCD and postpartum PTSD also fall under the umbrella of postpartum anxiety disorders. Here are some of the main differences:

Postpartum Depression includes:

Sadness, irritability, excessive guilt, changes in eating and sleeping, difficulty concentrating, hopelessness, decreased interest in self, baby or things that were once enjoyable.

Postpartum Anxiety includes:

Excessive worry or fear about the baby, health issues, fear that something terrible may happen, panic attacks, difficulty breathing, fear of losing control. Postpartum OCD (a sub-symptom of anxiety) often includes repetitive, obsessive scary thoughts about harm to the self, baby or family. Postpartum PTSD often happens with a traumatic birth experience and can include many of the above symptoms with the inclusion of nightmares, flashbacks and a re-experiencing of the trauma.

BPP: We imagine that when you meet new clients with postpartum issues, you sometimes wish they’d contacted you sooner. What are some early signs that a woman should reach out for help?

DKB: Often women don’t reach out for help because they are not sure what’s happening, or because of shame and guilt about how they are feeling at a time our society often says is the happiest time in a woman’s life.

Warning signs indicating a need for help:

Increased isolation and loneliness
Prior mental health history in self or family that has worsened during pregnancy or postpartum
Lack of support or relationships with the baby, partners and friends are becoming affected
Sleep deprivation, hormonal shifts, difficulty with breast feeding may also cause changes in mood that may signal the need for help.
Fear of losing control and a sense of being overwhelmed by everything

BPP: When you meet a woman struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety, what resources do you try to mobilize for her?

DKB: Individual and couples counseling, postpartum support groups, online support and blogs, increased social support systems, additional support for increasing sleep, nutritional needs, breaks for self care, exercise, massage, acupuncture, meditation/yoga, supplements and/or medication assessment.

BPP: What advice do you have for parenting partners, friends and family members of women struggling with these issues?

Be supportive and listen to her fears, feelings and concerns. Validate that most of this is a time limited hormonal and life style adjustment that will improve.
Remind them that they are not alone. This is not forever and not a reflection of the type of parent they are. It is time limited, and with help, increased support and awareness about postpartum issues, they will get well.
Educate everyone about what postpartum IS, and what it is NOT. There are many myths. Get the facts. Great resources for families are Postpartum Support International and Postpartum Progress.
Hire and/or give additional help with household chores, night time baby wakings, sleep and self care time.

BPP: Why do you think postpartum issues are so difficult for women to talk about?

DKB: Because of the shame and stigma of maternal emotions being anything other than joyous. There are so many motherhood myths and pressures on new parents, and often we are taught to not talk about difficult or painful emotions regarding our children or adjustment to our new role. Many women also fear that they will be judged as not being a “good mom” if they express how they truly feel at times. Additionally, many express a fear of being viewed as weak or a failure if they don’t get it “just right”. Lastly, our media has mainly profiled extreme cases of postpartum psychosis, and many women fear they will become like that, or associated with the idea that they may harm themselves or their children if they talk about postpartum issues. This is simply not true. Postpartum psychosis is rare. Postpartum anxiety and depression are very common, treatable and are nothing to be ashamed about.

BPP: What would you say to a woman who feels intense shame about her postpartum issues?

DKB: What’s most important is that women realize this is a treatable, time limited experience. With help, increased education, awareness and support, they will get well. It’s not a reflection of them or their parenting. It’s something we get through and are often better for it after we heal and get the well deserved support.

BPP: What are things expectant parents can do before baby’s arrival to prepare for the possibility of postpartum issues?

DKB: Women and families should consider getting support and educated in their pregnancy. Identify potential risk factors, and develop a postpartum intervention/prevention plan. Assess needs for all family members and get resources lined up before the baby arrives. A good prevention plan, open discussion about feelings, fears, expectations regarding sleep, feedings, household chores and transitions often significantly decreases postpartum distress for everyone.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?

DKB: “Please place your own oxygen mask on, before assisting others.”
Many new parents are forgetting how important it is to care for self because they solely focus on the baby or others, often resulting in depletion and exhaustion. Take time for self, which in turn will be a benefit for everyone!

Thank you, Dr. Boyd, for your insight into these incredibly important issues, that we hope will be talked about more and more openly.

Here’s To More Sanity and Less Shame,

C & K ♥

Pimp My Self-Care :: Tuesday Tip

March 24, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

As both an expectant and new parent, you get a LOT of advice. Some of it you solicit, and some of it you really, really don’t. The advice that helped me stomach all the advice? “Try to take each suggestion as the person’s attempt at a gift; it won’t always fit or be the right color, but the intention behind it is usually kindness.”

That perspective worked well for me 95% of the time, but it definitely did NOT work for this jewel: “Sleep while your baby is sleeping.” When my baby girl slept soundlessly all day every day, deciding that night time was the right time for partying, crying, eating, and everything that involved being wide awake, I got this advice on repeat. I know it was well-intentioned. I looked like a haggard zombie. Plus, as someone who approaches life with both myself and my clients holistically, I get that if something is off physically, it’s impossible to fully function mentally, emotionally or spiritually. That said, this became my internal response when yet another well-meaning person suggested rest: “(in Samuel L Jackson’s “Pulp Fiction” voice) Tell me to SLEEP, mother-f’er! Tell me to SLEEP ONE MORE mother-f’in time!!”

When I tried to sleep while she was sleeping, I was stiff and motionless on the bed, eyes wide open, riddled with anxiety, feeling completely alienated from life outside our little house. Sunlight flooded the room, and me, with desperation to connect to my former self. I turned to Dr. Marc Weissbluth’s book, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child to try and get a grip on our situation, and was floored when I came across this quote: “When the baby is asleep, get some sleep yourself, unless you are doing something for your own peace of mind.” Okay. The sleep book tells me it’s okay to do something besides sleep if it makes me happy. Or at least this is how my exhausted brain chose to interpret it.

I stopped wrestling myself. I decided that for me, being sleepy, but otherwise grounded, was better for all of us. While she snoozed, I took long, hot baths. I vented to friends, combing them for advice on how to fix our issues. I got out of the house alone, wandered through Target and resisted the impulse to violently embrace complete strangers, yelling, “Hiiii! Isn’t it sooo great to be alive together, looking at these pretty things together, breathing in this air together?!” I made curry. The curry part, especially, wouldn’t be a universally validated self-care suggestion, but it grounded me, and it tasted damn good. For those first few months, I was very tired, but very alive, and able to more fully enjoy my sweet, party-lovin’ girl.

Accept parenting and self-care advice. It’s based on a rich history of parents and professionals who have walked through the fire, and you need it. Hear me when I say that putting yourself in physical peril is not okay. Milan Kundera said it well: “When we ignore the body, we are more easily victimized by it.” But don’t forget that inside you, there’s this gorgeous, strong brain that gives you so much imperative information. Listen to it, responding to and incorporating what you hear. Your sanity is one of the greatest gifts you can give your family, even if your personal path to it isn’t fully backed by conventional wisdom.

BPP Sanity Savers:

Try to remain graciously open to well-intended advice from others, including those who aren’t parents (they are often more grounded in life beyond the baby bubble). Caring for your physical needs is the pre-requisite for all other needs, and get help addressing any barriers to these needs…
…but, don’t forget to also listen to yourself, trusting your ability to discern the path to your emotional, mental and spiritual well-being. Factor your voice in.
It’s very possible to be fried to the point of an inability to hear your own voice or know WHAT you want or need. If you find yourself there, it’s time to get support. Call a trusted friend and/or a good therapist, be truthful about how overwhelmed you feel, and ask for help.

Here’s to Sanity and Curry,

Cheryl

Desperately Seeking… Human Connection :: Tuesday Tip

March 10, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

I can mingle and party with the best of them, but when it comes to recharging my batteries, I’m a classic introvert. Give me a quiet house, a cup of tea, and a good book – I’m as happy as a toddler in a Tupperware drawer. For this reason, I figured that quitting my office job and staying home with my newborn baby was going to be pure nirvana, right?

Ummm… partially right. While there were certainly heavenly slices, there were also incredibly lonely moments, and I noticed a new wave of extroversion taking over my personality.

After a few weeks at home with baby, I yearned for new-parent pals who could answer my infant-care questions and empathize with my parenting struggles. I found myself scanning the playground or bookstore for other new moms and babies, ready to pounce with an invitation for friendship. Gone were the days of scoping out the scene for hot guys – instead I spent my time sizing up other parents, trying to determine if they would be compatible with my little family of three. My standard pick-up line: “Oh, your little one is so cute. How old? Well, he/she seems to get along really well with my little guy.” (Translation: Can we exchange numbers and hang out again? Please? Please?)

Most new parents experience what I call the Baby Paradox: Yes, you are in the constant company of a precious and fascinating little human. But it is also common and normal to struggle with feelings of extreme loneliness and mind-numbing boredom. The cure for this post-baby isolation? Reach out and connect as much as you can.

Here are some ideas for staying connected and making new friendships in the midst of baby-land:

Utilize Social Media: Although some of us are bit burned out, social media can be an amazing resource when you’re home with a new little one. Consider starting a Facebook group for expecting and new parents in your community, and then advertise it in the neighborhood newsletter or bulletin board. Scan MeetUp.com for New Parent Meet and Greets (if you can’t find one, consider creating your own).

Seek Out Existing Groups: Many cities, community centers and churches offer support and educational groups for expecting and new parents. Do an Internet search to see what’s available in your area. A great option, available in Austin and other metropolitan areas, is Bump Club and Beyond, an über-cool networking and informational group for expecting and new parents. Another Austin option for post-baby connection is the wonderful support group, Mothers Unfolding.

Give Family and Friends the Green Light: Your loved ones might be trying to give you and your new little one space, thinking that you need time to rest and bond. Let them know that you are very open to visits – give them the best times and set up regular dates.

Make Out-Of-The-Nest Time for Both Parents: When baby is old enough to take a bottle or survive a couple hours without mom, make plans with a friend and get OUT (yes, out of the house, into the fresh air, into the world). Dads and parenting partners can also struggle with symptoms of social-withdrawal, so encourage your partner to take some time on the weekend to connect with pals. And whenever you can, load up the Ergo, Baby Bjorn or Moby and get the whole family out on an adventure, even if it only lasts an hour.

Three years after becoming a mom, I was taking my second baby for a walk when a woman came flying out of her house in sweat pants, a t-shirt and noticeably un-washed hair. “Hi!! Hi!” she exclaimed, “Is that a baby in your stroller? I have a newborn in the house. Do you live in the neighborhood? Hi…”

I just nodded knowingly and handed her my phone number. “Let’s hang out soon!” I said as I walked away, happy that I could offer another new mom a brief escape from the sometimes lonely land of newborns.

BPP Sanity Savers:

While you are pregnant, begin researching new-parent social groups and play groups in your community that might be a resource for you later.
Let family and friends know that you will love their visits and support after baby has arrived. Give them a schedule of ideal times once you have become accustomed to your little one’s ebb and flow.
Make sure that both you and your partner get time to fly the coop. As soon as you can, go on small adventures as a family. The fresh air and human connection will do you good!

Here’s to strength and sanity,

Kirsten

Feed Your Baby, Feed Your Senses :: Tuesday Tip

February 17, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

This story might be familiar to some of you, and a cautionary tale to others. My daughter had colic. For several weeks, between the hours of 4 pm and 1 am, she was either crying uncontrollably, breast feeding, or stunned into brief silence by the sound of the vacuum cleaner (we had super clean floors during this time).

One evening, J (my kids’ awesome dad) and I were invited to a happy hour. We decided he should go, as I tended to have an easier time soothing her as the parent with the milk supply, and she would definitely not have been a “happy” addition to the hour if we tried to take her along. When he walked back into the house, he smelled like outside and red wine. I stood close to him and inhaled deeply several times in a row, like an addict huffing paint fumes from a paper sack. I was floored at how amazing a scent other than our sweet baby girl, breast milk and spit-up could be.

When you are in the throws of life with a new baby, you are hyper-focused on making them comfortable: warm, fed, held, diapered, bathed, etc…and this is good and instinctual. The only draw back is how easily you can forget to do many of these things for yourself. Feeding your own needs gives you the endurance to feed your baby’s needs. This goes for partners too – we are in this together, and we all need sweet soothing to keep our sanity in tact. Doing something nurturing for each of your five senses, every day, is a great way to keep yourself fueled.

Here are some of my favorite examples:

Smell: Stock up on some of your favorite scented candles. Take a few seconds to light one in whatever room you’re spending the most time in. The smell of a few drops of essential lavender oil on a pillow near where you breastfeed can help relax you.

Touch: Treat yourself to some new lounge pants and super soft t-shirts. You’ll spend a ton of time at home in the first few months, so having cute, comfortable clothes you feel good in can help cheer you up. Hot baths soothe your body and your spirit. Back rubs and hugs for and from your partner feel great and help you stay close and connected.

Sight: Surround yourself with photos of friends, family and artwork that either makes you feel calm or cracks you up. No Edvard Munch in the nursery, okay? If you can change the scenery when you breastfeed, try different spots in the house, or near a window where you can see outside.

Hearing: Music. Take the extra five seconds to turn it on. Whatever helps you transcend, feel happy, upbeat, relaxed… identify the feeling you crave and choose the music to best elicit it. And don’t pressure yourself to play kid-friendly music only – chances are good your baby will love hearing whatever you listened to while he or she rocked out in your belly.

Taste: Make sure to eat and drink. It is so easy to forget this when you’re trying to keep up with the voracious appetite of a newborn. Go with suggestions from your OB or midwife on what’s best if you’re breast-feeding, find some things you love and savor them every day. I used to say “good morning” out loud and smile at my cup of decaf before taking the first sip. It was that delicious.

BPP Sanity Savers:

Taking care of yourself is imperative to the endurance needed for caring for a newborn.
Think about what your senses love the most, and stock up on supplies for feeding them in advance. Attend to all 5, every day.
Talk with your partner in advance about ways you can help each other nurture yourselves – you both need and deserve TLC!

Here’s to strength and sanity,

Cheryl

Labor & Delivery Nurse :: Wednesday Wisdom

February 11, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

Emmy, her fiancé, Ross, and Charlotte.

One of the goals of this blog is to share the experiences and wisdom of the amazing peeps who help deliver babies into the world. We will be featuring interviews with midwives, ObGyn’s, and doulas, presenting a wide range of opinions and perspectives. For this Wednesday’s Wisdom, we are talking with Labor and Delivery Nurse, Emmy Voosen, RN. Emmy graduated from UT Austin’s nursing school in 2011. She has worked as an L&D nurse for the last two years and genuinely adores her job. Emmy says that, “Bringing new life into the world is overwhelmingly rewarding and exciting!”

BPP: Emmy, you seem to have chosen the right career path – it is evident how much you love what you do. How did you decide to become a labor and delivery nurse?
EV: It was very easy, actually. My mother was a labor and delivery nurse and I can remember thinking, ‘Man, coolest job ever!’ as a child. I followed my childhood dream, and there isn’t a doubt in my mind that this is where I am supposed to be.

BPP: Approximately how many births have you assisted with?
EV: Oh, goodness. Too many to count!

BPP: What has surprised you the most about being an L&D nurse?
EV: The stress level. Although deliveries usually bring smiles and happy times, some nights are so busy (darn those full moons!) that there is little to no time to use the restroom, drink water, or even sit down during the 12 hour shift. It is a good thing I love what I do!

BPP: Any suggestions on how parents-to-be can prepare for labor, delivery and/or postpartum recovery?
EV: Attend prenatal classes. In my experience, mothers and fathers who do so are less anxious and have a better idea of what to expect. Look around your area! Here in New Braunfels at Christus Santa Rosa Hospital, multiple classes are offered—including breastfeeding, childbirth preparation, big brother/big sister, and how to take care of mom/baby once you’re home. There are tons of resources out there to help expectant and new moms and their families.

BPP: In your opinion, advantages and disadvantages of having a hospital birth?
EV: After seeing some of the things that can go wrong during childbirth, I could not, in good conscience, recommend that anyone give birth outside of a hospital (just my opinion). Although hospitals can feel sterile and cold, there is a comfort in knowing that you are surrounded by professionals equipped to handle emergencies for mother and baby, and that you are close to an OR if a cesarean section becomes necessary. Some of the benefits of delivering at home or in a birthing center, not within a hospital, would be the comfort and familiarity of the environment and freedom to move and change positions without being on continuous fetal monitoring. However, it all comes down to making informed decisions and personal preferences.

BPP: Do you have a favorite birth story?
EV: Being my cousin’s nurse for the birth of her first daughter (she has 3 boys!) will always have a special place in my heart. It was an honor to be her nurse and witness another miracle of life.

BPP: How can birth partners be helpful to the woman who is delivering?
EV: Take prenatal classes together. Discuss the mother’s plan and wishes for labor so the partner is on the same page and knows how to support her best. Simply be present (examples: hold her hand, rub her back.) Every woman is different, but having a partner there to listen to your needs/requests/complaints and provide unconditional support is extremely helpful during the challenging, yet rewarding, process of labor and delivery.

BPP: How do you interact with doulas and midwives who are in the delivery room with the expecting parents?
EV: We work as a team. It is their job as well as mine to advocate for the patient. We collaborate to provide the best care for the expectant mother and her family.

BPP: You have not become a parent yet. Has being an L&D nurse impacted your views and plans for starting a family?
EV: Definitely! Being an L&D nurse has really opened my eyes. I have seen the love and joy that is brought on with the birth of a new baby, but I have also encountered just how much work this new bundle of joy can be. Having a baby is life changing and I have come to realize that there will be a time for me, but just not right now. ; )

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?
EV: This is more for mothers-to-be, but I would recommend becoming educated on the process, while keeping an open mind when it comes to your labor and childbirth experience. Often times, people have rigid and specific birth plans. This can lead to more anxiety and, occasionally, feelings of failure if things don’t go exactly as planned. Also, use the nurses, ask questions, and let us know how we can make you most comfortable during the labor process. We are there to support you during this exciting, yet nerve-racking experience!

Emmy’s Sanity Savers:

Take prenatal classes with your birth partner so that you both feel informed and prepared for childbirth and postpartum recovery. (We personally recommend a baby proofed parents workshop. Just sayin’.)
Keep an open mind about the labor and delivery process. Be informed, think positively and then go with the flow.
Communicate openly and freely with your nurse (or midwife or doula). If they’re anything like Emmy, they feel honored to be part of your birth experience and they want to support you in any way they can!

Thanks Emmy – great pointers for any expecting couple, whether they are planning a hospital or home birth! – C & K ♥

Pre & Postnatal Yoga Guru :: Wednesday Wisdom

January 28, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

For our inaugural Wednesday Wisdom, we had the pleasure of interviewing Hannah Williams. Hannah describes herself as a “Yoga teachin’, Guitar Slingin’ Mamasita of two very sparkly little girls.” She has a passion for creating space, community (and a good workout!) to mamas in their baby-making years. She has been a student of yoga for twenty years and a teacher for seven with a specialty in pre and postnatal yoga. Being a musician as well, Hannah is known for her musical playlists and an occasional serenade on guitar during savasana. She has also trained with Birthing From Within and loves to support mothers unconditionally no matter what their birthing or mothering preferences are and encourages the love and non-judgment for all mamas out there!

Short on time? Skip to the Three Sanity Savers.

BPP: When and how did you become a yoga instructor?
HW: In 2005 after I moved to Austin, my practice became a lot more regular than it had been in the past. I fell in love with some amazing teachers and went religiously to their classes. This is awful, but one day the yoga studio got broken into and my teacher’s purse was stolen. That moment was so upsetting. I remember just standing there shocked and said in tears “How could anyone do that to people that devote their lives to making the lives of others better?” That’s when it hit me. I wanted to dive into my yoga studies and devote MY life to uplifting and empowering others. I got in that moment how special that was.

BPP: Has yoga impacted your own life as a parent?
HW: We all have our crazy days…..But I have much fewer of them because of my yoga practice! I think the biggest thing has been self care, whatever that means for you. Journal writing can be as powerful and impactful as meditation for me. But these days since having my second child, I focus on gratitude whenever I possibly can, when I roll out of bed, brush my teeth, whenever! I also get into my yoga room and do some kind of practice. Even if it’s five minutes. Five minutes of meditation and intention setting completely shifts the course of my day for the better. Most importantly practicing Ahimsa (loving kindness towards myself and all beings.) When my five year old is having a meltdown I can pull out all my hair and join her or I can give her love and compassion. The latter always wins.

BPP: What are the benefits of yoga for expecting or new parents?
HW: The practice of being present. When we meditate or follow our breath in a yoga class we are training our brains to become still. We are absorbed in the moment and filling it with awareness and intention. Releasing expectation is also HUGE. We put so much pressure on ourselves and our partners and it can cause a great deal of inner turmoil and conflict. We can have more positive outcomes when we focus on what’s working instead and on what we appreciate in ourselves and others. And of course yoga helps to relieve all those aches and pains we get during pregnancy and postpartum! While pregnant, it’s so important to stay strong as well as open up space in our bodies by stretching and lubrication our joints. Our center of gravity completely shifts, and that causes a lot of strain and pain in our back and pelvis. We can make it a whole lot more comfortable with yoga poses and body awareness. After the baby comes, we spend so much time sitting and nursing or feeding that our our shoulders roll forward and need to be opened as well as our quads and hip flexors. It also comes back to self care. We’ve got to fill our cup or we have nothing to give. The community building and connecting with other expecting or new parents is also something that’s really special. It’s one of my favorite things about teaching. I love watching those friendships build.

BPP: Favorite pose for an expecting mom?
HW: Wow, there are so many I love. But I think if I had to pick just one favorite it would have to be Viparita Karani (legs up the wall.) I call it “The Mother of all prenatal poses.” You elevate your hips on a bolster or folded blankets so that there is still proper blood flow to your heart and it feels so amazing. It releases the anti-stress hormone, serotonin so it’s very helpful in reducing anxiety and helping you sleep better which is oh-so-common during pregnancy. It is also great for relieving low back and hip pain, varicose and spider veins, edema (swelling of the feet and ankles), hemorrhoids, really, you name it and this pose is a cure all! Of course there are always exceptions and contraindications though like high blood pressure, so it’s important to chat with your care provider and teacher before practicing this at home.

BPP: Do you encourage new parents to bring their infants to yoga class?
HW: Absolutely. As long as it’s a postnatal class. Usually when they’re really little we can’t break away from them and so it’s better to bring them! We also do baby yoga, we sing songs to them with movement, we practice poses with them and expose them to yoga! We get to nurse them or feed them, change them, whatever they need and we’re still absorbing YOGA and connecting with other new Moms and babies.

BPP: Would you recommend prenatal yoga to a mom who has never practiced yoga before?
HW: Yes. Many Moms start out with prenatal yoga. Most classes, unless specified are geared towards all levels. Beginners are a huge majority in prenatal yoga. I feel like I offer more modifications to advanced students! Although by the third trimester even the most advanced students are slowing way down!

BPP: Have you ever been brought to tears by a yoga student or class?
HW: Oh yes, many times. Once when a mom was sharing about her worries of how her older child would feel when the baby is born. She started crying and the next thing you knew there weren’t many dry eyes. I think we could all relate or imagine what that must feel like. And there has been loss. That’s always really hard. I had the most amazing student several years ago who shared the loss of her baby a year prior and was there every week in her second pregnancy with so much love and attention to her every move, every breath. She was the strongest most beautiful woman. I told her that one day after class and then cried my eyes out as soon as she walked away. I wasn’t as good at holding back the tears when I was pregnant with my students.

BPP: You’re also a musician. How has music played a role in your yoga practice and your life as a parent?
HW: Yes! I love to talk about the link between yoga and music. Music has played a role in my practice by my carefully thought out playlists, as well as songs I’ll sometimes sing in savasana that are appropriate to the theme or time in life. But it’s yoga that has impacted my music even more. I am such a better musician, artist and performer since diving into yoga in teacher training. I have an entire workshop dedicated to that! (Yoga for Musicians) And back to why I became a teacher in the first place, it’s the same with music. Most of my songs have a positive message or a silver lining. My intention is to inspire, uplift and empower people through music and yoga. At home music is on a lot of the time. We have many dance parties (in the womb and out!) And my five year old has been singing since she could talk basically. She actually kicked me off stage at my own show and made up a beautiful song on the spot. She did it again when we were recording my record and we put it on the album and she tore the house down at my record release show! My littlest is obsessed with the guitar. Every time I play she crawls over, eyes and mouth open wide and starts strumming. My husband is also a guitar player and singer who’s playing all the time and we have a music studio that they love to hang out in. I’ve been finally getting back to writing a lot since having my second kiddo and I play and sing every day. It’s just a part of life at home! The most rewarding thing has been to hear my daughter sing my songs. Especially the really positive ones. That’s what it’s all about!

BPP: Final question – If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?
HW: Do something nice for yourself every day, no matter what it is, just take care of yourself. Love your partner, appreciate all they do and be grateful as much as you can for all the wonderful things in your life. Try to keep positivity the running theme in your life and listen to inspirational books on tape or documentaries while you do your regular household duties throughout the day. Laugh a lot and have date nights! Oh wait, you said one tip! Here it is. Be grateful and positive and everything else will fall into place!

Hannah’s Sanity Savers:

With or without experience, pregnant and new moms can benefit from yoga.
Yoga helps parents to slow down, breathe and be present in the midst of the chaos.
Putting aside time every day for self-care and gratitude (even if it is only for a few minutes) will help you to remain more positive and be a more happy, stable parent.