wisdom | baby proofed parents

How To Be A Happier Parent :: Wednesday Wisdom

July 22, 2018 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet KJ Dell’Antonia. She is a regular contributor to The New York Times, where she covers the personal and policy aspects of parenthood. She wrote and edited the NYT Motherlode blog from 2011 until 2016 and was a contributing editor to the Well Family section from 2016-2017. She is the co-author of Reading with Babies, Toddlers and Twos and the co-host of the #AmWriting podcast.

KJ has an exciting, new book coming out in August 2018: How to Be a Happier Parent: Raising a Family, Having a Life, and Loving (Almost) Every Minute. I have to admit that I pre-ordered her book several months ago because I cannot wait to get my hands on it. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a perinatal mental health and relationship specialist, not a parenting expert. So, like many of you, I can use ALL of the parenting wisdom and insight I can gather. It takes a village, right? KJ explains that her new book is not a parenting memoir. Instead, it is filled with research, interviews and investigation, all geared toward figuring out how to make the task of parenting more enjoyable.

I was thrilled to chat with KJ about her forthcoming book because 1) I have followed her parenting-related writing for many years in The New York Times and 2) I am a gigantic fan of the #AmWriting podcast. (If you do any sort of writing, I definitely encourage you to check it out.) OK, let’s get to our interview!

KB: Let’s start at the beginning. How did you decide to write this book?

KJD: I wrote the book I wanted to read. I’d been writing about parenting for nearly a decade, and editing other people’s work as well. I’d written—and read—so much about why parents answer survey questions and say we’d rather do laundry than hang out with our kids, about why we find parenting difficult to the point where we’re really not finding much joy in it at all, on a day-to-day level—and I wanted to talk about what we could do to make that better.

KB: So many authors write parenting handbooks based on their personal experiences or opinions. The thing that really stands out to me about your book is that you conducted actual scientific research to find out what REALLY makes parents happier. Can you share a little bit about how you did your research and if the results were what you expected?

KJD: I worked with a professor from Fordham University, Matthew Weinshenker, and a research assistant, Dawn Reiss. We came up with a series of questions that used established measures of parental happiness to get an idea of where respondents (about 1000, and as close as we could get to a demographic reflection of the U.S.) stood, and then we asked them questions about what else they were doing—how did they make decisions about things like vacations, and meals? How involved were they in homework? How often did they feel like they were enforcing the rules? And then we drew some conclusions about what choices were associated with greater happiness.

I think the biggest surprise in the results was how consistently people responded to an open-ended question about what they liked least about being a parent. There was a big cluster—about a third of respondents—around discipline, establishing rules, getting kids to behave. I don’t think our parents worried so much about that.

KB: According to the research you conducted, you discovered that happier parents tend to do four things, is that correct?

KJD: Yes. This is actually from the introduction to the book: “Happier parents in general do four things well. They shift from heavier involvement to fostering independence as their children become more capable. They don’t put their children’s everyday needs above their own. They look for the good in day to day experiences, and they know what’s really important and what’s just noise and fury.”

KB: Oh gosh, those are all good reminders for me. Has writing this book changed how you parent your four children?

KJD: I really am happier. I let a lot more go, I recognize that they’re their own people, with their own lives. They need guidance and support, and I love being there for them, but I don’t have to take their every experience or disappointment and make it my own. That’s not good for any of us.

KB: I know that your book really applies to parenting kids between the ages of 4 and 16. For my readers who are expectant or new-ish parents, do you have any suggestions on what they can start doing now in order to be happier later?

KJD: Don’t give up on your pre-parent life. That first six months to a year is tough. Really tough. For everyone. You won’t get enough sleep. Ever, and it’s important to recognize that that changes everything—and unfortunately there’s not much to do but your best there. Support your partner if you’ve got one. Trade off. At least give yourself a shot at getting the sleep you need by putting yourself to bed instead of staying up trying to get things done. (One good thing about babies—you can totally watch Game of Thrones while they’re awake, you don’t have to wait until they go to sleep.)

But beyond that, keep the things you do for fun. Take the baby or toddler (seriously, they can’t tell the difference between Disney and the Met, if you like to look at art, go look at art). Get a sitter, trade with a friend, let them watch some TV while you watch a crafting video or go surfing. You won’t be able to do as much, but you can still be you, and later, you’ll be glad—because nothing prevents over-parenting like feeling like you want your own time to do your own thing.

KB: For five years, you were the managing editor of The New York Times Motherlode parenting blog. What was it like to be at the helm of the most read, and the most coveted, parenting blog in the country… or maybe even the world?

KJD: Awesome, frankly. Completely validating. I can’t lie, I loved it. It was also a ton of work. I did everything, from editing to writing to illustrating to moderating almost all of the comments. I had great editors, too, but most of them had a whole lot going on besides Motherlode, which gave me a lot of freedom within the expectations at the Times. It could also be difficult, for two reasons. First, whenever there was a major news event involving children or families, I had to step up and respond. I’m all out of things to say about schools and gun violence, other than, please, stop. Sometimes it’s nice not to have to form a coherent thought around big issues—although I also miss the opportunity to be a part of that conversation. Second, there was a lot of power involved. There were a lot of people hoping I would publish their words, or write about their book, or even their product, and obviously that meant I said no a lot. As Betsy Lerner said in The Forest for the Trees, I want to save everyone, but there’s not room in the damn boat.

KB: I love how the subtitle of your book is “Raising a family, having a life and loving (almost) every minute”. I think the word ‘almost’ is probably validating to a lot of my readers. Can you talk about how you chose that subtitle?

KJD: I love it too! The book title changed a bunch of times (it was “This Should Be Fun,” and “This Could Be Fun,” and I forget what else) but the subtitle never did. As for the almost—it’s partly in fun (who even wants to try to love every minute) and partly serious. Bad things happen, they really do. Sometimes happy isn’t even on our radar. But a lot of the time, we’re just living our lovely modern lives here, and everything is ordinary, and that’s pretty good for most Western families.

KB: In the book, you expertly address all of the key parenting concerns or topics: discipline, chores, sports, homework, etc. Which topic do parents ask you about the most frequently?

KJD: People really want to talk about chores—they kind of want to defend why they’re not managing to get their kids to do them! Which is good, because it’s one of my favorite topics, and it’s actually the simplest. If your kids aren’t doing their chores, it’s because you as parents aren’t consistently expecting them to do them, and following through. There’s nothing more to it than that. (Which isn’t to say that isn’t really hard, or that we succeed at our house—we don’t, although it’s getting better.)

Some parents think other things are more important (homework, sports). I don’t happen to agree, but if that’s the thing at your house, better to give up on the chores and just embrace that than to say “you need to do this every day” and then never really ask kids to do it.

KB: If people sign up for your newsletter, (which I have already done!) they will get access to your Ten Mantras for happier parents, right? How did you come up with the mantras, and which one is your favorite?

KJD: It changes every day. Today I like “People, even children—especially children—change, if you let them.” We all know not to label kids the smart one, or the sporty one, or whatever, but it’s so easy to lock them into other identities, even something dumb, like not liking peanut butter. The more often you say “she doesn’t like peanut butter” the less likely she is to ever try it. I hated peanut butter as a kid, or thought I did. And I love it now. That’s a mild example, but replace peanut butter with exercise, or school, and you’ll see what I mean.

KB: Lastly, can you share where people can find you and all of your wisdom? And how they can get their hands on this amazing book?

KJD: Sure! Here is EVERYTHING:

More about the Book and how to order it (and get some fabulous pre-order bonuses): How to Be a Happier Parent: Raising a Family, Having a Life and Loving (Almost) Every Minute

Website: kjdellantonia.com

Twitter: @KJDellAntonia

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kjdellantonia

Instagram: @kjda

KJ’s tinyletter: http://tinyurl.com/followkj (Definitely sign up for KJ’s newsletter if you are interested in receiving regular bit of parenting wisdom and humor.)

Podcast: #AmWriting with Jess & KJ https://itun.es/i67F2zJ or http://amwritingwithjessandkj.com (As I already said, gigantic fan of the podcast.)

And if you just want to order the book, go here:

https://tinyurl.com/HappierParentBookAmazon

Or here:

https://www.indiebound.org/book/9780735210479

Enormous thanks to KJ for sharing a preview of her book with Baby Proofed Parents. I can’t wait to receive my copy in the mail and begin learning how to be happier! – KB ♥

Capturing Birth, Infancy and Beyond on Film :: Wednesday Wisdom

April 30, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Deborah Lykins

Meet Deborah Lykins. She is a professional photographer who specializes in documenting the joys of pregnancy, childbirth, infancy and parenting. She currently works out of her boutique photography studio, Deborah Lykins Photography & Design in Austin, Texas.

Deborah received her masters degree in photojournalism and has worked with a number of publications including The Austin American Statesman and The New York Times. Her maternity portraits have been featured in Pregnancy Magazine and on KEYE news.

After experiencing the joys of having children, Deborah decided to combine her experience and skill in crafting compelling visual stories with her love of photographing the little people in her life. She now partners with families to document and capture the emotions and beauty of welcoming these new lives and loves. We were thrilled to have Deborah share her thoughts on photographing these special moments and on making the most of photography in our own lives.

BPP: How did you become interested in photography and the field of photojournalism?

DL: I’ve always loved to read and tell stories, and always thought I’d be a writer when I was younger. As I grew, I veered from literal storytelling to visual storytelling and got my Bachelors in Fine Arts. I managed a photo lab – back before digital cameras – and a perk of the job was free film processing and printing. I really grew and refined my photography skills. Meanwhile, I was in charge of creating and running a digital lab for the shop, and spent many hours in Photoshop 5 doing digital retouching, restoration and training others on digital processing.

When we moved to Austin, I began working at a graphic design company. One day, I saw a brochure for a visiting lecture series at UT. All the speakers were photojournalists, and I felt something click in me. Photojournalism seemed to combine my love of stories and my passion for visual art. I wanted to tell stories about people with my photography. So I gathered up my portfolio, applied and was accepted into the photojournalism graduate program.

BPP: You have worked with publications such as the Austin American Statesman and the NY times. What caused you to switch gears and start focusing your photography on maternity, birth and beyond?

DL: I loved photographing news. I got to meet so many interesting people, and had access to places and things I would not normally get access to: like the floor of the Texas Senate and the field of a UT football game. Once, I flew in a B-25 bomber shooting pictures through a large, open door in the side of the plane. I covered some serious stories, such as military trials at Ft. Hood and missing kids in Laredo, Texas. I also did light-hearted assignments, like the Wiener Dog races in Buda, Texas. It was an amazing experience.

However, after having my first son, the uncertain schedule of a freelance photojournalist became difficult and stressful for me. Don’t get me wrong, I know a number of women with families who balance freelancing and parenting, but I also surprised myself by wanting to stay home for a while and focus on being a mom. I decided to take a time out and explore my options. During this new career and personal life shift, I found I could never put my camera away for long. I realized I still wanted to document and share this new (to me) world I was seeing and experiencing. So, I began documenting families and telling the creation stories of new families.

BPP: You often use your camera to document the beautiful scene of a mother’s labor and the birth of their child. What is it like to be an outside observer, looking through the lens of your camera, during this momentous occasion for families?

DL: It’s one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had… every time.

The whole process constantly awes me, the strength of the women in labor and the people who support them, the intensity of the emotions, and ultimately the miracle of the birth. Those first moments of a newborn’s life are indescribable. My heart stops and I get choked up, every time.

I am so lucky that couples invite me in, trusting me with these intensely private moments. I have three young children, and there is a point during every birth I document when I have a visceral reaction. I think, “Oh yeah, I remember feeling that.” I believe that recollection helps me capture the emotions of the day. I can anticipate and look for the small but fleeting moments of expression, like when foreheads touch, or a hand brushes a brow, or a small kiss lands on the shoulder. Some people think birth photography is about the crowning shot, but it’s really about the emotion of the day and recording those quiet little moments that can get lost in the intensity and excitement of everything else. Most everything in my memory from the births of my three children is a blur. So many wonderful memories would have been lost if I did not have them documented.

BPP: When you have been asked to document a birth, how do you know when to arrive at the birth location? Do you stay during the entire labor and delivery?

DL: I am on call for the few weeks before and after the due date. I tell Moms to call me when they think labor has started. That way, I can square away my schedule, childcare and be ready to go. If they are having the baby at home, they usually call again when the midwife is coming, or when they are headed to the hospital or birth center. I stay through the labor, delivery, and the first couple of hours after birth so I can capture all the important moments: the cord cutting, the weighing, the first bath, the foot prints, and of course all the parent-baby nuzzling. I do make sure to give the new family space. I try to find the balance between capturing all the important moments and giving the families time to savor each other.

BPP: Is there anything that has surprised you or inspired you when capturing a birth on film?

DL: Everything. No really, I know it sounds silly but everything about birth photography surprises me and inspires me, at every birth.

BPP: You also do family photo-shoots, with newborn babies and with older children. Any suggestions on how a family can prepare for and get the most value out of a photo session?

DL: Each type of session is different and I have different suggestions for preparing for each type of shoot. Generally, I do a pre-session questionnaire and consultation to help nail down things like the must have shots, the location and the clothing choices. I also help with styling the clothes, and have been known to go to a client’s house to look at clothes when asked. Sometimes people text me photos of potential outfits while they are shopping and I’ll send them my thoughts. I know some of these decisions can get overwhelming and stressful, so I try to make it as easy as I can.

I think aiming to have everyone well rested and fed is very helpful, l and I try to bring snacks with me to shoots. I also tell parents not worry too much about their kids’ behavior at the session. Our goal is to have fun and be silly – for an hour or so normal behavior rules don’t apply. It’s also important that the parents are relaxed and having fun, because kids pick up on moods and will react to them.

BPP: We live in an age of cell-phone and digital photography. Any pointers for parents who are wanting to capture themselves and their newborn on film? Do you recommend purchasing a high-quality camera with a good lens?

DL: This is a question I get asked a lot, and a couple years ago I wrote a full-length article about it. Basically, it says to:

Try to find a unique viewpoint
Don’t use the built-in flash (if you can avoid it)
Don’t make kids pose for photos all the time
Use the rule of thirds (see more in my article)
Take lots of pictures and have fun!

One thing I would like to add to that list: Watch for emotions like laughter and even crying. Emotions tell stories and the photos that capture them are the ones you’ll want to revisit.

Regarding cameras: DSLRs are fun and if you take the time to learn to use one, you will likely capture better images than with anything else. The cameras on iphones and other point and shoots are pretty amazing now, so if you aren’t tech-y or don’t want to spend a lot of time learning, a DSLR is not a necessity. I probably use my iPhone for casual photos of my family more than any other camera I own.

BPP: Do you enjoy capturing your own family on film? Do they shy away from the camera or embrace your art?

DL: My two older kids love having their pictures taken. My youngest one is going through a phase where he turns his back on me whenever the camera is out. Children of photographers probably have the most well documented lives of all people, and mine are no exception. I love having all these memories that I can revisit but I also make a point to leave my camera in the bag. That way I can be with my family and experience life with them rather than documenting it.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to expecting or new parents, what would it be? (this can be photography related, or just sanity-related)

DL: I recently had someone say to me when I was feeling overwhelmed, “Let go. Everything is perfect and it is the way it needs to be.” It really resonated with me. The reminder that even when things feel too intense, as they often do when you are a parent, everything is perfect. Even while we are flawed, we are as we need to be.

Thank you so much Deborah for sharing your sweet words, your photo-wizardry wisdom and your gorgeous portraits with us!

C & K ♥