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Why Am I Crying? :: Monday Musing

October 28, 2014 By: babyproofedparents6 Comments

Woman crying

A few days ago, I opened up one of those “iPhone auto-correct text mishaps” posts on the Internet, and within seconds, I was laughing so hard, I had tears running down my face.  Real, wet-my-cheeks tears.  This sensation of crying – without understanding what the heck I was crying about – immediately brought me back to my days of pregnancy and new motherhood.  Looking back, I probably could have filled a salt-water aquarium with all of the prenatal and postpartum tears I shed.

Prior to having pregnancy hormones coursing through my body, I rarely cried in front of others.  I actually took pride in the fact that I maintained a rather poker-faced exterior.  My husband affectionately nicknamed me the Ice Princess (this was pre-Elsa, mind you) because the saddest, most sentimental movie couldn’t get me to tear up.  The Notebook had nothing on me.  I maintained this silly determination to stay dry-eyed.

All bets were off after I became pregnant.  You only had to give me a sappy American Idol episode, a baby food commercial, or a mention of pregnancy from a passing stranger and I was immediately boo-hooing.  When my baby arrived, the crying increased.  I experienced tears of astonishment and joy as I stared at the amazing little creature in my arms.  Tears over how damn hard a natural thing like breastfeeding seemed to be.  Tears because I was sleep-deprived and, let’s face it, a little delirious.  Happy and sad and exhausted tears.  Not to mention the tears frequently coming from my newborn’s little eyes.  We went from a quiet, stoic house to a home of sniffles and Kleenex.

So what was all this crying about?  It turns out that the extremely small, almond-sized hypothalamus, which is at the core of our reptilian brain, can’t really tell the difference between being happy, sad, overwhelmed or stressed.  It just knows when it is getting a strong, emotional signal and in turn, triggers our parasympathetic system, which then triggers our tear ducts.  If you think about the times when you are crying, it is usually when you are having an overwhelmingly strong emotion.  The tears almost act as an overflow valve, releasing some of your emotional tension and allowing your body to rest and reset.  Add hormones and sleep-deprivation to already intense emotions, and the flood gates are open for business.

From a psychological and social perspective, the researcher, Dr. Oren Hasson argues that the act of crying demonstrates vulnerability.  It helps people to trust and feel sympathy for you.  Crying also communicates that you crave attachment.  Hmmm…. I think he just perfectly described the needs of new parents and babies, don’t you?

For me, becoming a parent kicked my parasympathetic system into high gear… and it never turned off.  Despite my pregnancy hormones being long gone and my kids growing older, I am still easily brought to tears, and I don’t try to hide them now.  Vulnerability is currently my middle name.  Our children get to cry openly and loudly.  We should allow ourselves to let it go as well, whether we are laughing hysterically, feeling deeply touched or just plain sad.  Crying is innately human and nothing to be ashamed of.  When you are an expectant or new parent you might find yourself doing a lot of it.  Just think of it as a pressure valve that is allowing you to release some steam and heaviness, calm your body and then move forward.

If you’re looking for a release right now, check out that humor post I was talking about, 35 of the Most Concerning Auto-Correct Fails of All Time.  Be Warned: May contain 7th-grade-boy-level laughs, profanity, and just possibly, a few tears.

Here’s to Sanity and Kleenex,

Kirsten

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Comments

  1. Skye says

    October 28, 2014 at 4:17 pm

    This was absolutely fascinating, because I totally remember all that crying during that phase of my life.

    Reply
    • babyproofedparents says

      October 28, 2014 at 5:48 pm

      Yup, I think crying is just part of the parenting package! Thanks for your comment, Skye. : )

      Reply
  2. Kristin Shaw says

    October 28, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    OMG, the crying. I am definitely still hit by the crying jags on a regular basis. 🙂

    Reply
    • babyproofedparents says

      October 28, 2014 at 6:43 pm

      Hey Kristin – Great having your presence on the BPP site! Yes, I am officially a Crier and proud of it. 🙂 – Kirsten

      Reply
  3. Christinawhite says

    October 31, 2014 at 7:33 pm

    Totally well put! I do have a question though… my son (34 months) actually looses it with fear and starts crying if he sees me crying… it gives me an idea that he is a sensitive soul, but at the same time I don’t want to raise him thinking emotions are bad and should be hidden. Do you have any suggestions or resources that I should read? I have been sucking it up or crying privately to prevent upsetting him… but have already taught him several emotion words and have been trying to teach him to recognize the facial expressions, signs, etc…. but Im open to suggestions

    Reply
    • babyproofedparents says

      November 1, 2014 at 8:10 am

      Wow, great question. It does sound like your little guy is a sensitive little one – just like my boys! I think it is normal for young children to feel concerned when they see their parents express emotion. It can make them feel vulnerable because they are used to their mom and dad being the comforters and appearing strong and firm. That being said, it is a great opportunity to model emotional wellness and authenticity. If they see you crying, you can explain that parents get sad and angry as well, and that it is OK and normal. You can tell them that they don’t need to worry about you and that crying is a natural thing for everyone, not just kids. If appropriate, you can share what caused you to cry and why the incident made you sad (or happy!). And you can share with them what you are going to do to take care of yourself (I’m going to call a friend or go for a walk or just sit here for a little while or write about my feelings or ask someone for a hug or…fill in the blank…) You can reassure them that you will be OK and that you know how to take care of yourself when you are sad.
      Of course, if you find yourself crying more and more frequently in front of your kids, that might be a sign that it is time to call in the troops and reach out for more assistance. It could be counseling or it could be asking for more help from friends and family. Frequent crying is definitely an indicator that we are struggling.
      Children’s books are a great way to introduce the concepts of healthy and normal emotions. Here are a few recommendations:

      Why Do You Cry?: Not a Sob Story – By Kate Klise
      The Pigeon Has Feelings Too! – By Mo Willems
      Today I Feel Silly: And Other Moods That Make My Day – By Jamie Lee Curtis

      Here’s to healthy crying! Keep the questions coming! – Kirsten : )

      Reply

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