holidays | baby proofed parents

Kirsten’s recent tip on “just saying no” to holiday stress raised this question for me: why is it so hard to say no, especially to extended family, especially around the holidays? When J and I first married, we had to figure out how to share holidays with two families (we had it easy – some people are pulled between more than four due to divorce, remarriage and grandparents), who lived in different parts of the country with their own unique customs. With the approval of both sides, we agreed to alternate years, Thanksgiving with one family, Christmas with the other. Both sides were very gracious about this, but I always sensed their sadness/disappointment whenever it wasn’t “their” holiday with us. This intensified when we had kids, because of the renewed magic babies bring to holiday traditions.

The Stress. Many people will say that traveling with babies shouldn’t be a “big deal” – but the car seats, gear, snacks, diapers, holiday traffic and melt-downs can make even a short trip feel like an eternity. Then, add all the overeating, gifts, expectations, family dynamics and lack of sleep. Even when things went amazingly well, we always felt exhausted, needing a few days to get back on track physically and emotionally. One year after a particularly difficult holiday, J sat me down and made a request. “Can we please do our own thing next year? Start our own traditions with our own kids in our own home?” I remember my immediate, visceral response. “There’s no way. We would hurt too many peoples’ feelings.”

When J and I divorced, it was just before Thanksgiving. That first year, we tried to keep up the traditions, visiting both sides of the family, who were also struggling with grief over the loss of our marriage. It was very painful for all of us, and wound up causing more damage than healing or comfort to everyone involved. The experience spurred long talks about the “holiday future” we want for our kids – one that does NOT include them feeling pulled between multiple homes, stuffed with rich foods, timelines and the expectations of others.

We especially don’t want them to be concerned with being “FAIR”. Oh, how I hate that word. What does it even mean? In the end, it’s not about fair. No amount of fairness or compromise will please everyone, because everyone brings so many complicated hopes and expectations to the holidays, usually based on crap that was missing for them when they were kids. If your goal is to make a bunch of people happy, you are setting yourself up to fail. Often at the expense of your own sanity (and the sanity of your kids).

What would happen if you focused instead on pleasing yourself, and your little nuclear family? I have floated this idea to a few couples in my therapy practice, and they usually exchange a stunned look, which when silent-movie-dubbed says, “Could we actually DO that???” The Sipkowski Formula (loosely based on the best traditions of friends we’ve watched who know how to enjoy life): we declared a stay-at-home, move slowly policy. We have an open invitation to extended family, but the 4 of us stay in town and keep it simple. Our tree and decorations go up a little at a time. Christmas dinner is relaxed and decadent, served on Christmas Eve. Christmas morning is coffee, a big brunch, music and opening gifts at a relaxed pace. Christmas night is my favorite part. Friends, neighbors and “orphans” come over for tacos, margaritas, and to vent about the crazy holiday they’ve just experienced, while we squeezed limes in anticipation of their
arrival. I highly, highly recommend this plan.

When you go through a major change, good or bad, every shred of available strength becomes necessary. Anything elective that drains your reserves is forced into inspection. This is possibly never more true than when you add a new life to your family. The holidays are an excellent time to practice weighing the immediate pain/anxiety of saying “no” to someone you care about against the long term relief that could come with a positive change, and the reclamation of your own time and resources. If you find yourself pulled in a million directions during the holidays, consider letting this be the first year you stop that (since you’re the only one who can).

Here’s To Sanity and Fresh Limes,

Cheryl

I frequently get asked if my counseling practice slows down during the holidays. The answer is No. The holiday season is notorious for being a stressful time and my clients can attest to that. Expectations are sky-high, schedules are jam-packed and family members get testy as a result of all the togetherness. Even I can feel bogged down by my mile-long To-Do list that does anything but put me in the holiday spirit.

When my husband and I started a family, I assumed that my babies were going to hand me a one-way ticket to holiday bliss. I couldn’t wait to introduce them to all of the little traditions that I remembered from childhood. My littles clearly did not feel the urgency that I did. In spite of the calendar indicating that it was a very special day, our boys still required naps, still got the sniffles, still had nuclear meltdowns and still got into squabbles. I quickly realized that I needed to simplify the holidays more than ever in order to maximize enjoyment and minimize stress.

When you are a new parent, here are some things you might want to Just Say NO To:

Traveling back and forth between separate family events on the same day.
Lugging the whole family to faraway destinations to celebrate with distant relatives.
Feeling like you have to keep up with everybody’s extravagant gift giving. (Consider asking friends and family to set a price limit, do a gift exchange or skip gifts for adults all together.)
Hosting the whole clan at your house (including your single neighbor and your Great Aunt Marge) on the big day.
Wanting your home to look like it popped out of a Better Homes & Gardens magazine.
Cooking the turkey, dressing and pies all by yourself for your holiday meal. (Consider catering or potluck.)
Sending out perfectly designed holiday cards with matching address labels.
Feeling like you have to shower your young children (who aren’t even quite sure what is going on) with loads of presents.
Thinking that everyone’s holiday is merrier than yours. (Cuz it isn’t.)
Having breakable ornaments or decorations anywhere within reach of your toddler, because they WILL be shattered.
Participating in any activity or event that you don’t find completely delicious.

I’m going to insert a big UNLESS here. Say ‘no’ to all of the above UNLESS one or more of the activities bring you joy. I’ll give you an example: Cheryl is a superb cook (as you can probably tell from the Foodie section on our blog) and truly enjoys preparing a feast. I, on the other hand, am no Julia Child and would much rather kick my feet up on the sofa with some spiked eggnog and A Christmas Story playing in the background. While Cheryl might say ‘yes’ to hosting a big holiday meal and might even do most of the cooking herself (and might create a spread worthy of the royal family), I am more likely to head to my parents’ house or ask everyone to contribute a dish. Say ‘yes’ to what makes you happy and ‘no’ to anything that sounds draining. You have our permission.

Other things to consider Just Saying YES To:

Structuring your schedule around your baby’s sleeping and eating routines so you don’t have a grumpy child the rest of the holiday.
Staying home if you want to. (Being a new parent is a great excuse. Use it!)
Starting small family traditions that will stick in your children’s head more than any gift will. (Examples: We fix a big Christmas brunch and stay in our pajamas most of the day. We love looking at neighborhood lights in a convertible mustang with hot cocoa. I awkwardly play holiday music on the piano while my kids throw out exaggerated groans. Some of our friends set up a puzzle on a card table or go see a movie.)
Pushing the commercialism aside and reminding yourself and your kids about why the holiday was created in the first place.
Maintaining realistic expectations of the day. Your little ones don’t have a built-in calendar app in their head. Expect them to still act like kids.

I have to admit that our holidays have become more and more enjoyable as my boys have gotten older. They anticipate the holidays with excitement, they look forward to our silly little traditions and they keep their hands off the delicate tree ornaments. (Yes, this can be a reality for you too.) But they still end up in occasional fist fights or start the “I’m booooored” chant in the afternoon. When you have kids, your holidays might look like any other day with a handful of sparkly extras. Enjoy the sparkle and try to roll with the rest.

Here’s to Sanity and The Christmas Story,

Kirsten