Blog - Part 11

Take A Breather :: Tuesday Tip

May 20, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

Cheryl and I perfected the art of “leaning in” long before Sheryl Sanberg coined the phrase. With newborns on our laps, we would lean in real close and pick the brain of any experienced parent we could find, in order to get pointers and advice on how to raise these crying little creatures. Our friend, Mandy, was, and continues to be, a favorite lean-to source for parenting tips and wisdom. (Yes, the same Mandy behind our yummy meatball recipe and the same Mandy whom we will probably refer to 100 times over in this blog.) She was the first in our group of friends to have a baby. But more importantly, she is from Oklahoma… and people from Oklahoma just seem to radiate this rock solid, old-soul kind of vibe. It’s like they have compost running through their veins and wide-open plains occupying their uncluttered minds.

An Oklahoman mom with compost in her veins.

One afternoon while I was soaking up some of Mandy’s earthy wisdom, she began telling me stories about her Grandma Pat who raised five boys and one girl in a small Oklahoma town. “I was visiting with Grandma Pat one day,” Mandy shared, “And I said to her, ‘Grandma… you had six babies by the age of 30. I only have one and my head is spinning! How in the world did you manage?!’”

At this point in the conversation, I leaned in so far, I almost fell over into Mandy’s lap. I just knew that I was about to be on the receiving end of some amazing Oklahoma-bred parenting wisdom. If there had been a legal pad in my diaper bag, I probably would have whipped it out and started jotting down notes. But instead I just leaned forward and listened intently.

Mandy continued with her story, “My grandma replied, ‘Mandy…all these years folks have given me a hard time about my smoking…but I can tell you this…people sometimes lose it with their kids…but I never harmed a one of them.’”

Oh…

Grandma Pat smoked.

Mandy went on to explain that books were also a great escape for her grandma, and that she could still picture her sitting at the kitchen bar, sipping iced tea, absorbed in a great novel. But at this point in the conversation, I was stuck on the cigarette thing. And for the next five minutes, I strongly considered taking up smoking.

After coming to my senses, I realized that it wasn’t the cigarettes that saved Mandy’s grandma from parenting overload. (In fact, Mandy explained to me that smoking seriously harmed her grandma’s health in the end.) It was Grandma Pat’s ability to take breaks and breathers that helped her to raise those six kids. And she encouraged Mandy to do the same.

Breathers are essential for new and experienced parents alike. Grandma Pat got that one right. Regardless of how much you adore your little one, and regardless of how old that little one is, you will find the need for sanity breaks. These breathers look different for every one. One of my friends said that she would grab a magazine, announce that she needed to use the restroom, and maybe take a little more time than needed. Another friend would uncharacteristically volunteer to fill the car up with gas or walk the dog, anything to get out for a few minutes. When my own kids were ready to run errands with dad, my favorite breather involved sending my family out for a short adventure. I was left with a quiet house in which I could wash dishes and clear clutter in complete peace. Ahhh… heaven.

As your kids migrate through the toddler, preschooler and elementary stages, you will find that the need for breathers does not go away. And at times, you may find that it is impossible to get away. Here are some ideas for finding peace in those crazy-making moments:

5-5-5 Breathing: Inhale for five seconds, hold in your breath for five seconds, and then exhale for five seconds. Do this five times in a row. This exercise naturally slows your breathing, quiets your mind and calms the natural fight-or-flight reflex that accompanies stress. And you can do this anywhere, any time.
Trip to Tahiti: A holistic pharmacist that we know, Beth Shirley (or The Best Shirley, as we affectionately call her) taught us this trick. Lay on your back with your calves up on the couch for 15 minutes. Listen to relaxing music or just breathe. Inverting your body and letting the blood rush to your head will have a relaxing effect and give you a boost to continue your day.
Recorded Relaxation: Download a free 10 min guided relaxation or a brief yoga class. Even if you can’t sneak away to the gym or yoga studio, you can bring the mellowing benefits into your home, often for a very low price.

Find a breather that works for you, and don’t feel guilty about it. My friends and I are known to treat ourselves to a glass (or two) of wine and a long gab session. Other times we may briefly lose ourselves in a book and a cup of coffee. Whether you have six kids like Grandma Pat or one six-week-old baby, it is important to give yourself these tiny mental retreats. You can mark that down as Oklahoma parenting wisdom at its finest.

Here’s to sanity and compost,

Kirsten

Climbing Out Of The Darkness :: Wednesday Wisdom

May 14, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet A’Driane Nieves. She is a Postpartum Depression and Anxiety survivor who writes about navigating the nuances of motherhood and Bipolar Disorder Type 2. A’Driane is also a USAF disabled veteran, writer and artist best known for her love of Prince (He re-tweeted her once!), and her hot pink streaked afro. You can read her mind at her blog Butterfly-Confessions.com, and read her random thoughts on Twitter (@addyeB). She was most recently named one of BlogHer’s Voices of the Year for 2014. She lives in Austin, Texas with her futurist husband and three boys.

BPP: You have written extensively and beautifully about your battle with post-partum depression. Can you briefly share what living with PPD was like for you?

AD: For me, living with PPD was like living in a dark room that you’re constantly stumbling around in, trying to find a light switch. At the same time, I felt like I was sitting atop a speeding train and had no idea where I was headed. It was a very unsettling and dark period in my life. It was like someone came in and robbed me of myself, of my being, and left nothing but this shell of a person. I felt lost. Very, very lost.

BPP: How did you recognize that your symptoms were more than the average “baby blues”?

AD: I knew something was wrong when my son (now four years old) was around three months old. He had moderate reflux during those early months and constantly wanted to be held. His crying was very triggering for me. He would cry and I would immediately break out into a sweat. My thoughts would become scattered, my heart would race, my body would tense up and I’d think about running away. On top of anxiety, I also experienced rage and deep wells of depression once the rage would dissipate. The rage was scary – it was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. It would come on unexpectedly, usually triggered by something as minor as my older son spilling something. It was so intense, I’d be shaking. I did a lot of screaming, which I still carry a lot of shame about. I spent a lot of time hiding in the bathroom, crying, consumed with guilt and wondering why I couldn’t enjoy my children. When I was at my worst, I felt completely overwhelmed and incapable of being a “good” mother. I had intrusive thoughts – scary thoughts would flash through my mind while I was driving, cooking or bathing my kids. I dreaded each day, having to talk to people and even having to hold my son. There were days I was so “touched out”, holding him or having my oldest give me a hug would make my skin crawl. It was awful. Truly awful. It was hell. I felt so lost. Had no idea what was happening to me.

BPP: What helped you to finally “climb out of the darkness” and overcome your PPD?

AD: When my son was ten months old, I remember being so consumed with sadness for two weeks that I was suicidal. It was January 2011. I remember sitting down in my closet one night after my kids had finally gone to bed, closing the door and I just lost it right there, not understanding what was wrong with me, and wanting relief from it. I had heard of Postpartum Depression but I didn’t really know much about it – I knew of no other women in my life who had it, and my OB didn’t discuss it with me. When I had mentioned at my six week visit I felt “off” he said it was normal, just hormones, and wrote me a prescription for an anti-depressant (if I felt I needed to use it). That was it. So I Googled some of my symptoms and the first site that came up in the search results was Postpartum Progress. I read the “Plain Mama English” guides on what PPD and other postpartum-related mental illnesses were and finally felt like I had an idea as to what I had been experiencing. I emailed Katherine Stone (the founder) and the next day, she responded, reassuring me that I would be OK, I wasn’t a bad mother and that what I had was treatable – I just needed to seek help. She directed me to the Postpartum Stress Center in Rosemont, PA, and that’s where I began treatment. Saved my life. What also helped during my recovery was finding #PPDChat on Twitter, run by Lauren Hale of My Postpartum Voice. It’s a weekly chat on Twitter that offers peer support from other women who are still struggling and those who are survivors.

BPP: Can you share more about Post-Partum Progress and it’s mission?

AD: Postpartum Progress is a nonprofit laser focused on improving maternal mental health by increasing awareness of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders like PPD and giving mothers tools that connect them to the help they need. Postpartum Progress is all about ensuring mothers know the facts on perinatal mental illness, encouraging them to seek treatment as soon as possible, and eliminating the stigma surrounding these illnesses that keep so many women silent and untreated every year. They empower moms to care for their mental health, which in turn helps their families have the strongest start possible. It is now known that 1 in 7 mothers experiences a perinatal mental illness like PPD – it is the most common complication of childbirth, impacting over 1 million women every year in just the US alone. Yet only 15% of those impacted receive adequate treatment, so that means more than half a million women are going untreated every year. Research shows that untreated depression in mothers has a long-term impact on their children’s development, which really makes this not just a women’s health issue but a children’s health issue as well. The good news is that perinatal mental illnesses are treatable! Postpartum Progress works hard to create outreach and support programs that help mothers as they work toward recovery. The community Katherine has built over the last 10 years through Postpartum Progress is just amazing – I’ve never met a braver or more authentic community of women. So supportive and committed to changing the conversation about mental health and effecting change. Katherine calls women who suffer from perinatal mental illnesses Warrior Moms, and the Warrior Mom Army is FIERCE.

BPP: How are you currently advocating for PPD awareness and outreach?

AD: Right now most of my advocacy revolves around helping Postpartum Progress in any way I can. I’m on the editorial team for the blog. I participated in this year’s Mother’s Day Rally for Moms, an annual event Postpartum Progress holds on the blog every year to encourage pregnant and new moms who are suffering and working their way to recovery. I’m heavily involved with fundraising for Postpartum Progress through its annual fundraising & awareness event called Climb Out of the Darkness. On June 21st, the longest day of the year, Warrior Moms all over the world will be climbing, walking, and hiking to represent our rising out of the darkness of PPD and related illness and into the light and hope of recovery. It is the world’s largest event raising awareness of postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety and OCD, postpartum PTSD, postpartum psychosis, postpartum bipolar disorder and depression and anxiety during pregnancy. I’m also co-chairing the upcoming Warrior Mom Conference which is taking place next summer in Boston. We’ll be getting together with moms from all over the country to celebrate recovery and get skills training on how to better advocate for maternal mental health in our own communities. On a smaller scale, I do what I can to help destigmatize ALL mental illness by sharing from my personal experience on my blog and other social media.

BPP: Can you share some common misconceptions about PPD?

AD: I think one of the biggest misconceptions about PPD is that if you have it, you’re just sad all the time, which isn’t the case for so many women I know. There’s a wide range of symptoms that women can experience based on what type of illness they are suffering from that are very rarely discussed. I mentioned rage eariler – no one ever told me that rage was a symptom of depression, or that noises like an infant crying could trigger an anxiety or panic attack. The other big misconception is that if you just do all the “right” things – eat right, exercise, adopt a certain parenting lifestyle, etc., you will avoid developing PPD, and that it’s something you can just get rid of on your own. PPD and related illnesses don’t discriminate. In fact, most women have their first depressive episode in the first year postpartum. And PPD doesn’t just go away when it’s left untreated. As I mentioned before it can have a long-term impact on the health of mothers and their babies if never treated properly.

BPP: What is your life like now as a mother?

AD: Life as a mother now is…chaotic but manageable! I have three boys now – a 7, 4, and 6 mo and life is super busy. There are hard days and moments where I’m overwhelmed but I’m grateful to have a treatment plan that works for me, and a solid support system that includes fellow Warrior Moms. (They seriously are the freaking best.) My bond with all three of my children (even the one I had PPD with) is rock solid. My postpartum experience with my 6mo has been the complete opposite of what I experienced 4 years ago. Having support, and being aware really does make all the difference. I love being a mom now. I don’t dread it like I did during those dark days.

BPP: You are a seasoned and well-known blogger. Can you talk about how writing has helped you in your battle with a mood-disorder?

AD: I’ve always been a writer but I started my blog as a way to help me just brain dump all that I had going on four years ago. Writing has always helped me process what I’m wrestling my way through, and my blog has definitely helped me navigate the ups and downs of motherhood and mental illness. It’s given me a safe place to go to, you know? It’s the one place I know I can go and just be completely vulnerable, sharing whatever it is that comes out when I start typing on the keyboard. It gives me insight into myself, and helps me articulate something that I might be having a hard time explaining out loud to someone like my husband or psychiatrist. I t also helps me feel less alone. People will read and comment, and say, “Hey, me too,” and that helps me keep fighting on the hard days. Even when no one reads and there aren’t any comments, just having that space to say what I need to is crucial. My hope is that by being completely honest and vulnerable there, I can leave an archive that my boys can read when they’re older. They might want to understand who I was as a person living with mental illness, a woman and their mother.

BPP: What advice would you give to any new mother (or father) who feels like they are sinking emotionally after bringing a baby into their life?

AD: You are not alone. You are not “crazy”. You are not a bad parent for feeling the way you do, and it’s not your fault you feel this way. You are loved and worthy and the very best parent for your child. Be honest with yourself about what you’re experiencing. Seek professional help. Be your own advocate-fight for yourself like you would for your child or even for yourself if you had a physical illness like cancer. Find support groups both online and off. Let others help you. It gets better. It really does. It did for me.

A’Driane, thank you, thank you for sharing your story with us and for advocating so passionately for other parents who struggle with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. Your dedication and transparency are true gifts to other new mothers and fathers. – C & K ♥

Want to contribute to Team Austin’s Climb Out of the Darkness Fundraiser? https://www.crowdrise.com/addyeB-COTD2014/fundraiser/addyeB

Want to read more about A’Driane? Check out her blog: http://butterfly-confessions.com/

Want to learn more about Postpartum Progress? http://www.postpartumprogress.com/about

Read Katherine Stone’s Call to Action on National Healthy Babies Healthy Mother’s Coalition’s site for their “May Campaign” initiative during Maternal Mental Health Week (this week!): http://www.hmhb.org/2014/05/maternal-mental-health-call-to-action/

How Infertility Prepared Me for Parenthood :: Monday Musing

May 12, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

It took me a long time to get pregnant. Approximately four years, from the time I first thought, Hmmm. I might be ready for a baby, to the morning I saw those two pink lines miraculously show up on the pregnancy test.

It was a journey that began gradually and naively for my husband and me; I simply tossed the rectangular box of tiny white pills in the trash one day and confidently waited for my body to do its thing. As the months and years passed, and no pregnancy appeared, my yearning grew stronger. I consulted with acupuncturists, fertility specialists and the most vociferous expert of all, The Internet. In the end, I can’t really tell you the exact combination of diet changes and fertility magic that caused us to conceive a child. What I can say is that those four years of infertility prepared me for the Adventure of Parenthood in six very specific ways:

1. The best laid plans…
When my husband and I first gave ourselves the green light to get pregnant it was because the “timing was right”. We lived in a great neighborhood, we were established in our careers and we had individually attended enough Margarita Parties to satisfy a lifetime quota of tequila. My hubby was quite a bit older than me, and we were both ready to settle down and do the family thing. We had no idea that this “thing” would take four years and that it didn’t matter how “ready” we were. Our bodies would cooperate in their own time.

Parenting App: How many times do parents plan out the perfect day, only to be foiled by a runny nose, sore throat or volcanic tantrum? When you’re a parent, it is wise to mark the calendar, make the plans, but be prepared to break them and go with the flow at a moment’s notice.

2. You’re surrounded.
Have you ever purchased a new car and suddenly you start noticing the same make and model everywhere you go? That is what it is like when you are trying to get pregnant. There are friggin’ babies everywhere. Women pregnant with babies. Men holding babies. Parents loving on their babies (with little angels and birdies surrounding them). It feels like the entire universe is sticking out its tongue and taunting, “Nah, nah, nah, nah… you aren’t pregnant.” Even your co-worker’s cousin’s wife is expecting… and you aren’t. I gradually learned to tune out the baby-white-noise, and reassure myself that it would happen in its own time. After all, I reminded myself, I am defined by much more than my desire to conceive.

Parenting App: After you have a little one, you will continue to find yourself surrounded by other parents and their cherubic babes. Resist the urge to make comparisons (i.e. whether your baby is snoozing, walking or talking at the same rate as the others). Every child’s journey is unique and the comparisons are fruitless. They all tend to catch up to each other in the end.

3. Everyone is an expert.
Most of the people who knew I was trying to get pregnant had well-intentioned words of wisdom to share. They had heard of a specialist who could help. They knew something I should cut out from my diet. They had struggled with infertility themselves and they just felt sure it was going to happen for me. I regretted telling so many people that we were trying. Can’t we just go back to discussing my awesome new wedges or the great movie we saw last weekend? I had to learn to take their advice gracefully and then remind myself that my body is unique and I know it better than anyone else.

Parenting App: If you think everyone has opinions about fertility, just wait until you have a baby. Have child in arms, and everyone loves to give their child-rearing advice. As Cheryl advises in Pimp My Self Care, absorb the pointers that feel like a fit and then custom design your own parenting protocols.

4. It’s never going to happen.
During the four years that my husband and I were trying, I swear that I funded an entire pregnancy test industry. I bought them in bulk and I grew to despise them. Peeing on a stick was unpleasant enough, but seeing that I was not pregnant, yet again, was devastating. I felt all hope and belief that I was going to be a mother slipping away. Looking back, I now recognize that the creeping pessimism was unfounded. There was so much more that my husband and I could have done to have a child: fertility treatments, surrogacy, adoption. Yes, I would have grieved if I couldn’t conceive naturally, but the options were endless if I truly wanted to be a parent.

Parenting App: When you are raising babies, the word “never” will sneak in frequently: I’ll never get a full night’s sleep again. He’ll never go a day without an accident. We’ll never get through a week without vomit or snot or pee. Those ‘nevers’ can feel daunting. I promise you that the nevers transition into sometimes and then into always. Keep your eye on the prize – it’s right around the corner.

5. Chill out.
OK, I have to skip back to #3 on this one. One of the most popular bits of advice I received when I was trying to conceive was, “Just relax. You’ll get pregnant when you aren’t worrying about it.” I hate to admit it (and I HATED this advice) but they were right. When I began enjoying my life again… dancing, frolicking, partying like it’s 1999, it happened. I saw those two lines on that little test and could hardly believe my eyes. Yes, I had taken other measures: cut out sugar and dairy, started natural progesterone cream, endured a diagnostic procedure that painfully blasted blue ink through my fallopian tubes. But I feel sure that chilling out a little and tuning into other segments of my life helped my body to ease into motherhood.

Parenting App: It is natural to feel uptight and want to do everything just right when you are a parent. When you loosen your grip and recognize that your children benefit from variety and imperfections, both you and your kids will enjoy life a little more.

6. Love, love, love…
I’m channeling the Beatles here. But I couldn’t have said it any better myself. At the end of any infertility journey is a leap from a high-dive platform into pure, unadulterated love. I have friends who have had unexpected pregnancies, friends who have undergone extensive fertility treatments, and friends who have ultimately adopted. And when we gather together with our kids, there is no sliver of a difference in the love that each of us feel for our children.

Worth the four year wait.

If your desire to become a parent is strong enough, you will find a way to make it happen. And when you do, you will feel the most unrelinquishing love (and sometimes unrelinquishing fatigue and frustration) that you have ever experienced in your life. Everyone’s path to parenthood is unique but in the end, you get to hold a beautiful child, and the journey that brought you to that place will make the most perfect sense.

Here’s to Margarita Parties and Love,

Kirsten

Not Quite Right :: Mother’s Day Moment

May 11, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

We’ve all seen those kids – their hair looks like it was accidentally dipped into a paper shredder and you just know that they found the craft scissors and decided to give themselves a trim. That was my sister and me growing up. Our hair was as uneven and tragic as Billy Idol’s shag in the early-80’s. Minus the coolness factor.

Only thing is, my sister and I hadn’t touched the scissors. My mother was the one who did the hair cutting in our home, and try as she might, our hair always looked like it was trimmed by Edward Scissorhands on crack. There were plenty of things she did beautifully. She sewed us handmade clothes. Took us on adventures of all kinds. She was creative, vibrant and… slightly odd. Cutting bangs was just one of the things she sort of missed the mark on.

My mom grew up in a house with a thatched straw roof in the African nation of Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe). She went to bed at night watching critters crawl around her ceiling and woke up to screaming monkeys outside her windows. After moving to the States, she made a whole-hearted attempt to morph into an American housewife. But honestly… she never really got the hang of it.

When the neighbors were making spaghetti and meatballs, my mom cooked up liver and onions or yellow curry. She left our house doors wide-open and unlocked at all times. We had soles as tough as rawhide due to running around without shoes and our untethered dogs roamed our suburban neighborhood. We lived a rather bohemian life in our rather vanilla community, and my sister and I silently lamented that our family wasn’t quite like the ones surrounding us.

When I became pregnant and entered motherhood myself, I began to play the Not Quite Right game with myself. I scolded myself for eating too much Taco Bell and not enough fish oil during pregnancy. I felt guilty for not giving my new baby just the right amount of tummy time or veggies in his rice cereal. Oops! I hadn’t exposed him to ANY classical music. And sleep training… I was running far too late to correctly embark on that adventure.

Ugh, I guiltily thought, I’m not doing things quite right.

It was one afternoon, when my sister and I were sorting through our childhood memories over an inspiration-inducing glass of red wine, that I had one of those ah-ha moments (insert clouds parting and angels singing). The normal or appropriate activities that occurred in my childhood were not really the stand outs; they didn’t shape the person I am today. It was actually the not quite right events that fueled my values and made me snort with laughter whenever I remembered them.

As my sis and I chatted, I remembered the swinging-from-the-ceiling neighborhood parties and impromptu parades my mom used to throw together effortlessly. For one of those parades, I remembered her using tin-foil wrapped boxes to transform me into the Tin Man from Wizard of Oz, and me subsequently being dragged to the ground by Toto (aka our little, scruffy dog, Flea Flea).

And I remembered our old, creepy, white Ford van that whistled as it rattled down the freeway, hence earning it the nickname, Whistling Wilbur. My mom would step on Wilbur’s gas pedal with all of her weight when we approached a particularly high hill near our house. We kids would all pretend to push the struggling van with our little hands, giving it that extra bit of gusto. And when Wilbur crested the top of the hill at full speed, and our little bodies flew up and hit the ceiling, we would let out a whooping cheer. Wheeeeeee!

Did I mention that car seats hadn’t been invented yet?

I don’t remember the vitamins, books, or matching cotton pajamas that colored our everyday existence. Instead, I remember the adventures and craziness that surrounded our lives. And for this, I feel immense gratitude toward my mom.

As I move forward with my two boys, I’m trying to be less concerned with getting things just right and more concerned with giving them memories and cool experiences that will last a lifetime. I find myself singing the anthem that my mom used to belt out to us:

We’re off to see the Wild West show,
The elephants and the kangaroos,
Never mind the weather,
As long as we’re together,
We’re off to see the Wild West show.

As long as we’re together, I remind myself, it really is ok if I don’t always get things quite right. In fact, maybe our lives are just right… just the way they are.

Here’s to Sanity and Imperfection,

Kirsten

Blistered Shishito Peppers with Garlic Aioli :: Friday Foodie

May 9, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Before we begin, try saying their perfect name out loud: shi-SHEE-toes. Isn’t that lovely? A farmer at my favorite market recommended these perfect peppers, and I’ve been hooked ever since. I’ve noticed several posh restaurants have added shishitos to their appetizer menus with a steep price tag. Preparing them yourself is cheaper and way impressive as an appetizer or a side veggie (divide the aioli into tiny dipping bowls and serve a few peppers on each plate). Risk Disclaimer: most shishitos are mild with a tiny hint of sweet, but occasionally you’ll come across one that packs a little heat. If your child is sensitive to spicy foods, sample each pepper before serving it to them, unless they’re like my pepper-belly son. Given food with heat, he’ll accusatorially say, “Mom! Spicy!” while continuing to shovel in huge mouthfuls. We have to monitor our margarita intake at Mexican restaurants so we can keep a close eye on him; once he slipped a drinking straw into the salsa bowl and guzzled it. I think it’s genetic, as I am spicy food girl and have blown out my taste buds’ heat detection abilities. If the menu has a million asterisks denoting the spiciness of a dish, “Warning! You probably shouldn’t order this!” then that’s what I’ll be having. But don’t fear the shishito, and get ready to fall in love with the aioli.

Ingredients:

For the Aioli:

1/2 cup mayonnaise
1 clove garlic, finely minced
1/2 teaspoon fresh lemon juice
1/4 teaspoon Spike seasoning (optional, but delicious flavor without a bunch of gunk you can’t pronounce)
(If you don’t use Spike, add 1/8 teaspoon each of kosher salt and cayenne pepper)
1/2 teaspoon Dijon mustard

For the Peppers:

4 cups shishito peppers, washed with stems left on
2 tablespoons macadamia nut, peanut or grape seed oil
1 teaspoon coarse kosher salt

Technique:

For the Aioli:
Combine all the ingredients with a small whisk, and place in a small bowl for dipping. I love it when things are this easy.

For the Peppers:
Heat a large skillet over medium-high, then add the oil. When it’s shimmering, carefully add the shishitos, which will go crazy at first, making the hot oil pop. Once they calm down, begin to stir-fry them with a wooden spoon, until you can see the skin start to whiten and then lightly brown in spots, about 7-10 minutes. Add a tablespoon of water and turn the heat down to medium (this will steam and soften them to the perfect texture). Continue stir-frying until the water completely evaporates, and the shishitos are slightly more pliable (about 3-5 minutes more). Add the salt, stir a few more times to coat the peppers, then serve them on a platter next to your cute little bowl of aioli. Allow to cool for a few minutes and then dive in, dipping each pepper and challenging yourself to eat them all the way to the stem in one perfect bite.

Cheryl’s Tips:

I recommend using a garlic press. They’re quick, easy to clean, and make the flavor of the garlic even more potent. When you’re using raw garlic in a dip or salsa, cut the cloves in half lengh-wise, and check for any little green shoots in the center (which can make your dishes taste bitter) before chopping or putting them through your press. Use a small knife to dig out the shoots and compost them, or plant them to grow more! I always use fresh garlic instead of the pre-minced jarred kind – I can’t imagine mass-producers carefully removing little green shoots.

The aioli. Yum. If you haven’t already eaten the leftovers with a spoon, it will keep refrigerated for up to two weeks. It’s divine on sandwiches, eggs, roasted chicken, as a dip for raw veggies, or my favorite use: atop pan-seared salmon. I often double the recipe, keeping it on hand as a condiment.

Shishito it up, ya’ll.

Here’s to Sanity and Pepper-Bellies,

Cheryl

Make it Clear – 3 Reasons Why Moms Won’t Tell You What They Need :: Tuesday Tip

May 6, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Have you ever whisper-screamed? If you’re thinking hard, you probably haven’t. Operating definition – the sound resulting from two opposing forces: the need to scream combined with the need to stifle. You are freaking out, but don’t want your neighbors to think you’re being murdered, don’t want to wake the baby, or know deep down that the situation doesn’t really warrant a full-blown scream.

I personally discovered this skill years ago, when a huge tree roach flew into my apartment. If you haven’t seen a tree roach, have a look at this sucker and prepare for about a week of nightmares:

I’m generally not afraid of bugs or spiders, but roaches are the sentient, evil exception. It was running in confused circles at warp speed on the floor. I froze. There were no options. I couldn’t use my normal bug tactic, holding it loosely in a tissue and gently setting it outside, because if I got too close, it would run up my body, into my gaping, horrified mouth and down my throat. And I couldn’t step on it, because it had a completely formed skeleton, organs and intestines, and would make my living room look like a crime scene. So, I did the only thing I could. I slowly backed away and whisper-screamed, “loud”, three times.

I busted the whisper-scream again when my daughter was a few weeks old. Breastfeeding was a difficult process for me. Once I got into a good position, I had a habit of clenching myself, remaining as still as possible to avoid jinxing the flow. A few minutes into this particular late night session, I realized I’d forgotten two essential things: a big glass of water and my book. Her dad, J, was asleep in the next room. I tried to reason with myself. Surely I could get through the next 30-45 minutes without these small comforts…but my need for them only intensified. I spotted the baby monitor and decided it was worth waking him.

I started by softly calling his name. No response. I leaned as far as I could toward the monitor. “J!” Nothing. As slowly and carefully as possible, I lifted the nursing pillow and my baby girl, intently keeping both in locked position, and inched toward the monitor until my face was pressed against it. Full on whisper-scream: “JAAAYYYYYY!!!” Silence. I shambled into our bedroom, mid-air breastfeeding on the way. I woke him up, indignant, and we argued about how it was possible for him to sleep through all of that whisper-screaming??

I was being ludicrous. Why didn’t I just stop feeding her for one minute, be okay with the risk of her crying in protest, wake him up gently and in person, and ask him to help me? Or, just take care of myself?

Why not cut the whisper and just scream? Or better yet, calmly and clearly ask for what you need?

Here are three reasons blocking many of us from making our needs and wants crystal clear, often resulting in our partners feeling set up to fail:

We don’t know what our needs are. During the first few months of a baby’s life, sleep is erratic, if happening at all (did you know that sleep deprivation/interruption is a torture tactic used by terrorists?), and there’s a constant focus on keeping up with this sweet, helpless being’s needs. This is often at the detriment of our ability to tune inward and assess what would feel good or helpful. By the time one round of breastfeeding, diaper changing, playing and napping has completed, it’s time to start the whole process over again. Ask an exhausted new mom in the throws, “Hey, what can I get you? A snack? Lip balm?” and you might be met with a blank stare, and this answer: “Hmmmm. A lobotomy?”
We want you to read our minds. The femininity training many of us receive ingrains our preoccupation with the big picture, which is dominated by other people’s needs: who’s hungry, sad, bored, needs a drink refill, and how can we personally assist? When we have babies, this big picture skill intensifies to a sometimes scary degree. We long for our partners to have this skill too. We want you to walk into our shared space, survey the scene and intuit our needs, which to us, are obvious. See the dishes and laundry and spit up and hear the baby and the toddler crying and look at us and know that we need a hug, need you to scoop the kids up and away from us, put that load into the dryer, and make us an Old Fashioned. If you don’t ask, “How can I help?” we feel invisible. Even though that feeling is not your fault, nor is it based in any sort of rational logic, it’s there, deep down, and it’s terrible.
We’re afraid the answer will be “no,” or worse, no response. What if we identify our needs, clearly communicate them, and our partners can’t or won’t respond? What then? Maybe it means having to take a deeper look at the relationship, and either coming to terms with our partner’s limitations, or not coming to terms and pushing for change. Acknowledging and communicating your needs clearly means you have to be ready to face your partner’s answer, which can be a scary prospect.

The not easy or fun but incredibly empowering solution? Start by internally identifying what you need and want, without trying to justify or talk yourself out of it. Then, using effective communication, spell it out to your partner, and ask him or her to respond in a specific, behaviorally quantifiable way. Say it, email it, text it, or haiku it. Wait for a response, and no matter what you hear (even if it’s silence), know that you did everything you could by communicating clearly. Don’t be a whisper-screamer. And comfort yourself in the knowledge that you are bigger than the tree roach. At least by a little.

Here’s To Sanity and Clarity,

Cheryl

Capturing Birth, Infancy and Beyond on Film :: Wednesday Wisdom

April 30, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Deborah Lykins

Meet Deborah Lykins. She is a professional photographer who specializes in documenting the joys of pregnancy, childbirth, infancy and parenting. She currently works out of her boutique photography studio, Deborah Lykins Photography & Design in Austin, Texas.

Deborah received her masters degree in photojournalism and has worked with a number of publications including The Austin American Statesman and The New York Times. Her maternity portraits have been featured in Pregnancy Magazine and on KEYE news.

After experiencing the joys of having children, Deborah decided to combine her experience and skill in crafting compelling visual stories with her love of photographing the little people in her life. She now partners with families to document and capture the emotions and beauty of welcoming these new lives and loves. We were thrilled to have Deborah share her thoughts on photographing these special moments and on making the most of photography in our own lives.

BPP: How did you become interested in photography and the field of photojournalism?

DL: I’ve always loved to read and tell stories, and always thought I’d be a writer when I was younger. As I grew, I veered from literal storytelling to visual storytelling and got my Bachelors in Fine Arts. I managed a photo lab – back before digital cameras – and a perk of the job was free film processing and printing. I really grew and refined my photography skills. Meanwhile, I was in charge of creating and running a digital lab for the shop, and spent many hours in Photoshop 5 doing digital retouching, restoration and training others on digital processing.

When we moved to Austin, I began working at a graphic design company. One day, I saw a brochure for a visiting lecture series at UT. All the speakers were photojournalists, and I felt something click in me. Photojournalism seemed to combine my love of stories and my passion for visual art. I wanted to tell stories about people with my photography. So I gathered up my portfolio, applied and was accepted into the photojournalism graduate program.

BPP: You have worked with publications such as the Austin American Statesman and the NY times. What caused you to switch gears and start focusing your photography on maternity, birth and beyond?

DL: I loved photographing news. I got to meet so many interesting people, and had access to places and things I would not normally get access to: like the floor of the Texas Senate and the field of a UT football game. Once, I flew in a B-25 bomber shooting pictures through a large, open door in the side of the plane. I covered some serious stories, such as military trials at Ft. Hood and missing kids in Laredo, Texas. I also did light-hearted assignments, like the Wiener Dog races in Buda, Texas. It was an amazing experience.

However, after having my first son, the uncertain schedule of a freelance photojournalist became difficult and stressful for me. Don’t get me wrong, I know a number of women with families who balance freelancing and parenting, but I also surprised myself by wanting to stay home for a while and focus on being a mom. I decided to take a time out and explore my options. During this new career and personal life shift, I found I could never put my camera away for long. I realized I still wanted to document and share this new (to me) world I was seeing and experiencing. So, I began documenting families and telling the creation stories of new families.

BPP: You often use your camera to document the beautiful scene of a mother’s labor and the birth of their child. What is it like to be an outside observer, looking through the lens of your camera, during this momentous occasion for families?

DL: It’s one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had… every time.

The whole process constantly awes me, the strength of the women in labor and the people who support them, the intensity of the emotions, and ultimately the miracle of the birth. Those first moments of a newborn’s life are indescribable. My heart stops and I get choked up, every time.

I am so lucky that couples invite me in, trusting me with these intensely private moments. I have three young children, and there is a point during every birth I document when I have a visceral reaction. I think, “Oh yeah, I remember feeling that.” I believe that recollection helps me capture the emotions of the day. I can anticipate and look for the small but fleeting moments of expression, like when foreheads touch, or a hand brushes a brow, or a small kiss lands on the shoulder. Some people think birth photography is about the crowning shot, but it’s really about the emotion of the day and recording those quiet little moments that can get lost in the intensity and excitement of everything else. Most everything in my memory from the births of my three children is a blur. So many wonderful memories would have been lost if I did not have them documented.

BPP: When you have been asked to document a birth, how do you know when to arrive at the birth location? Do you stay during the entire labor and delivery?

DL: I am on call for the few weeks before and after the due date. I tell Moms to call me when they think labor has started. That way, I can square away my schedule, childcare and be ready to go. If they are having the baby at home, they usually call again when the midwife is coming, or when they are headed to the hospital or birth center. I stay through the labor, delivery, and the first couple of hours after birth so I can capture all the important moments: the cord cutting, the weighing, the first bath, the foot prints, and of course all the parent-baby nuzzling. I do make sure to give the new family space. I try to find the balance between capturing all the important moments and giving the families time to savor each other.

BPP: Is there anything that has surprised you or inspired you when capturing a birth on film?

DL: Everything. No really, I know it sounds silly but everything about birth photography surprises me and inspires me, at every birth.

BPP: You also do family photo-shoots, with newborn babies and with older children. Any suggestions on how a family can prepare for and get the most value out of a photo session?

DL: Each type of session is different and I have different suggestions for preparing for each type of shoot. Generally, I do a pre-session questionnaire and consultation to help nail down things like the must have shots, the location and the clothing choices. I also help with styling the clothes, and have been known to go to a client’s house to look at clothes when asked. Sometimes people text me photos of potential outfits while they are shopping and I’ll send them my thoughts. I know some of these decisions can get overwhelming and stressful, so I try to make it as easy as I can.

I think aiming to have everyone well rested and fed is very helpful, l and I try to bring snacks with me to shoots. I also tell parents not worry too much about their kids’ behavior at the session. Our goal is to have fun and be silly – for an hour or so normal behavior rules don’t apply. It’s also important that the parents are relaxed and having fun, because kids pick up on moods and will react to them.

BPP: We live in an age of cell-phone and digital photography. Any pointers for parents who are wanting to capture themselves and their newborn on film? Do you recommend purchasing a high-quality camera with a good lens?

DL: This is a question I get asked a lot, and a couple years ago I wrote a full-length article about it. Basically, it says to:

Try to find a unique viewpoint
Don’t use the built-in flash (if you can avoid it)
Don’t make kids pose for photos all the time
Use the rule of thirds (see more in my article)
Take lots of pictures and have fun!

One thing I would like to add to that list: Watch for emotions like laughter and even crying. Emotions tell stories and the photos that capture them are the ones you’ll want to revisit.

Regarding cameras: DSLRs are fun and if you take the time to learn to use one, you will likely capture better images than with anything else. The cameras on iphones and other point and shoots are pretty amazing now, so if you aren’t tech-y or don’t want to spend a lot of time learning, a DSLR is not a necessity. I probably use my iPhone for casual photos of my family more than any other camera I own.

BPP: Do you enjoy capturing your own family on film? Do they shy away from the camera or embrace your art?

DL: My two older kids love having their pictures taken. My youngest one is going through a phase where he turns his back on me whenever the camera is out. Children of photographers probably have the most well documented lives of all people, and mine are no exception. I love having all these memories that I can revisit but I also make a point to leave my camera in the bag. That way I can be with my family and experience life with them rather than documenting it.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to expecting or new parents, what would it be? (this can be photography related, or just sanity-related)

DL: I recently had someone say to me when I was feeling overwhelmed, “Let go. Everything is perfect and it is the way it needs to be.” It really resonated with me. The reminder that even when things feel too intense, as they often do when you are a parent, everything is perfect. Even while we are flawed, we are as we need to be.

Thank you so much Deborah for sharing your sweet words, your photo-wizardry wisdom and your gorgeous portraits with us!

C & K ♥

Anger Is A Gift :: Monday Musing

April 28, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

Are you mad?

My beautiful friend, Jean, is an incredibly grounded acupuncturist. She believes that most women are not given a template for dealing with anger, if they’re able to consciously acknowledge they’re experiencing it in the first place. Our training, at times by our parents, and constantly by society is to be nurturing and supportive, avoiding the “b word” label at all costs. There’s no room in that scenario for being pissed off. I believe men are subject to this emotional sanction in a slightly different way. They’re not allowed to show weakness, which means there’s no space to cry or say, “I have no clue.” All of that hidden powerlessness has to manifest somehow, and can start an internal storm of anger so intense it becomes easier to numb out or disengage than to deal with it. I took in Jean’s words and asked her, “How do you process your own anger?” With a wry smile she replied, “Me? Ohhh, I don’t get angry!”

Kids are supposed to be out of control sometimes. Even when they master language and can have high-level conversations with you, it takes many until their 20’s to fully grasp how to moderate their emotions. (I’m still working on it at almost 40.) If you feel out of control and don’t know how to deal with it, and you’re in the presence of a child who is out of control (or is just being a kid), it can feel irresistible to come down way too hard on them, trying to control them instead of yourself. Have you ever seen an adult schooling a child in a public place, looking like a complete a-hole while the child just looks very small? This happens all the time, even to conscious, well-meaning parents.

The only person in my family of origin allowed to express intense feelings was my dad. The feeling he expressed most often was anger. He would repress for a while, and then blow a gasket about something trivial my siblings and I did or didn’t do, often when we least expected it. My therapist described this as “venting through your children.” She explained that my dad, like many adults, had a hard time understanding or dealing with his feelings, and things got built up inside. Eventually, a volcano erupted.

As a child, it never occurred to me to feel much of anything, let alone express it, because I was too busy avoiding wrath by being a perfect little girl and hiding. Eventually, the whole “not having feelings” thing stopped working, and I had to start coping with the build-up I’d spent my life running from. When I had babies, a whole new level of this work began.

When my daughter was two and my son was a few months old, they used to have what I referred to as “crying competitions.” It felt like they were trying to outdo each other. One would start to calm down a little, and the other would let out another wail, and then the first would start all over again – neither would let the other have the last word. I am laughing as I write this, but at the time, I was in hell. I would put one on each hip, and bounce through the house singing to them, trying to make them laugh, and finally, exhausted, I’d just sit on the floor and hold them while waiting it out. After a few rounds, I started noticing anger, very hot, rising up in me.

How soothing, right? Mom is holding us, but her jaw is clenched, her arms stiff. I knew they were just being normal, crying babies, but no amount of rational thinking could compete with the anger that was coming from my perceived inability to control the situation. I felt myself wanting to scream at them, but something made me put them down, my son in his bouncy seat, my daughter next to him on the rug. I walked out into the garage and shut the door behind me. I could still hear them crying, but I sensed they’d be safe for a few minutes. My eyes fell on the pile of stuff we were donating to charity. I don’t remember which toy I picked up, but I know it was pink, and when I threw it as hard as possible onto the garage floor, it shattered in the most satisfying way imaginable. Just to ensure its total destruction, I picked it up and threw it down again. Hard. Then, I took a deep breath, exhaled, and walked back into the house. I felt like a different person. Calm. I soothed them and got through the rest of day.

That wasn’t perfect, by any means. Before I walked out, I didn’t reassure them that I’d be back, and it wasn’t their fault. They probably heard the scary crashes. Breaking toys in my garage made me feel like a psychopath. Plus, what about the poor kid who would now be deprived of the joy of playing with whatever that pink thing was? Wasteful. But, I’d rather them feel a little scared or uncertain, hear a noise, and then have me come inside and soothe them from an authentically calm place. I’d rather explain that I was angry, and needed a moment alone to deal with it. I don’t want to scream at them, or hit them, or handle them roughly, or shame them. I really, really don’t want to vent out my emotional crap through my kids.

Another big rupture happened shortly after J and I went through our divorce. Turns out grief manifests in me as it does in many men: anger, anger, anger. I could feel a wave of it coming up, and was desperate to get my kids settled in front of the TV in our upstairs loft so I could take a break. They could feel the tension emanating from me, and reacted by whining and protesting. Shocking. Finally, I lost it and yelled, “Please just watch your show!!” Of course, that soothed them right away, and then, I held that powerful, “I’m an adult in complete control” stance as I lost my footing and slid down our wooden staircase on my ass. My finest parenting moment to date.

I wish I was telling you all of this while sitting under a tree in a lotus posture, totally zen, referring to these past, totally resolved issues. Nope. I still struggle with moderating my emotions. The good news is that I’ve learned a few ways to deal, minimizing the risk of negative impact on people around me. One is intense music. Most people feel anger reducing when listening to calm, soothing music, but sometimes the opposite is true for me. I make sure the kids are settled, pop in ear buds and turn it a little too loud. The sounds are slightly angrier than I feel. They envelope and hold me. A go-to track is “Burning Inside” by Ministry, in which a sound the domestic goddess in me has decided is a vacuum cleaner melts into insanely fast drumming and impending doom guitar. If I’m especially keyed up, I actually run the vacuum while listening. This serves to further calm me, and assuage some of the inherent guilt that accompanies anger, because hey, look at those floors! Planting my face into a pillow and screaming at the top of my lungs is amazing, and often makes me laugh at the melodrama of it. And of course, I know the donation pile is right there in the garage if I need it.

Brilliant psychotherapist Irvin Yalom writes about a female client who came to a session very distraught. She tearfully explained that the night before, she had gotten drunk, had a huge fight with her husband, and ended up throwing a lemon pie against the wall. The visual: lemon custard oozing down the wall, broken pie plate and crust all over the floor. Yalom said his instinct was to try and alleviate what he perceived was her guilt, reassuring her that it probably wasn’t so bad, to not be hard on herself, etc. Turns out, he had read her wrong. Her tears were grief over lost time. For the first time, she had finally expressed her true feelings, in an impossible to take back way. I repeat this story over and over, because it captures the essence of our right to messy emotions dead on.

One of my clients made my year when she emailed me this photo, and gave me permission to share. The title: “Look What I Did!”

Shaving cream pies. Brilliant, cathartic and safe, because you won’t be tempted to lick lemon off your fence, eliminating splinter risk.

These little people look to you for containment, and you recognize that at times you can’t contain yourself. And you step into another room, and throw a pie. Then you come back to them, and you continue trying. You own your humanity with them, and you are humble about your limitations. You soothe, repair, and clean the wall. You try hard to stop whatever cycles could continue through you and into them. And, perhaps most importantly, you show them how adults forgive themselves.

Disclaimer: I am in no way advocating senseless harm to innocent lemon pies, especially if they are gluten-free and topped with meringue. Limits, people.

Here’s To Sanity and Yalom,

Cheryl

Paleo Chocolate Chip Banana Bread :: Friday Foodie

April 25, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

This decadent, healthy bread hails from George Bryant, dynamic author of the website, Civilized Caveman Cooking. Even if you’re not into eating a paleo diet, you’ve got to check out his site, where you’ll enjoy gorgeous photos and delicious, easy to execute recipes. Plus, “Civilized Caveman.” I need a minute. Okaaaayyyy on with the recipe. I’ve barely modified it by adding zucchini and chocolate chips, for the extra nutrients and yumminess. Another delightful version omits the chocolate chips and adds chopped pecans, chopped pineapple and toasted coconut. I love that a thick slice of this bread not only tastes amazing, but has everything you need for a complete meal: veggie-based carbs, fat and protein. It also freezes well, should you ever find yourself in an alternative universe with leftovers.

Ingredients:

4 very ripe bananas, mashed
1/2 cup finely grated zucchini
1/2 cup almond butter
4 tablespoons coconut oil, melted
4 eggs
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1/2 cup coconut flour
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 cup Goodlife chocolate chunks or mini-chips (heavenly chocolate, without a bunch of crappy things you can’t pronounce)
Butter for greasing your loaf pan and spreading on the warm bread… mmmmm

Technique:

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Using about 2 teaspoons of unsalted butter, grease a glass loaf pan (yes, glass, because metal pans get a little extra hot, making the crust too dark and the middle too doughy) very, very well, otherwise the bread will stick like glue, and you don’t want to miss a single bite. (Mandy and her girls refer to pan stickage as “shrapnel.” See my tips below to avoid this terribly unfortunate loss.)

In a medium bowl, use a hand mixer to blend the bananas, zucchini, almond butter, coconut oil, eggs and vanilla until smooth and creamy. Add all of the remaining ingredients and mix until smooth and creamy again. You needn’t worry about mixing speed or time once the batter is blended, as this is one of those rare baking adventures that doesn’t require precision; the bread won’t collapse on you or wind up full of holes. Scrape the batter into your loaf pan, and bake for 50 minutes.

Place a strip of foil loosely over the top of the loaf to avoid excessive browning, and bake 10-15 minutes more, until the bread looks evenly browned and doesn’t quiver when you tap the pan. Allow it to cool in the pan on a rack for about 45 minutes before serving with more butter. Dang!

Cheryl’s Tips:

I’ve tried a version with not-so-ripe bananas, which according to George makes little difference. Perhaps I have a high-maintenance pallet, but it didn’t taste as sweet as the version with super ripe. I’ve started buying way more bananas than we need, and when we get to the final four, tossing them in the fridge, where they’ll last at least a week. They turn very brown, but when you peel them, they’re perfect and have a higher sugar content. (Preview: start saving cut up extra-ripe bananas in your freezer for smoothies, a recipe that will blow your baby-lovin’ mind is coming soon.)

I am easily pleased by the obscure. Examples: the first squeeze (from the very middle) of a new tube of toothpaste, perfectly peeling a label off a new purchase without the tiniest spec of sticky left behind, and dislodging a loaf of bread leaving a crumb-free pan. Somehow, these minor victories slightly balance chaos. After the bread cools, run a knife carefully around the edges of the loaf several times. Invert the pan onto a bread board and tap the bottom, allowing the loaf to slowly and elegantly fall out. Enjoy this moment of perfection.

Here’s To Sanity and Cavemen,

Cheryl

All Hands On Deck :: Tuesday Tip

April 22, 2014 By: babyproofedparents3 Comments

Safety Czar in Action

Shhh… don’t tell him I said this, but in many ways, my husband is a better parent than me. (Did I really just admit that? Oh, yes I did.) When it comes to consistency and common sense, Todd is unflappable. In our home, we not-so-affectionately refer to him as “The Safety Czar” for his uncanny ability to detect all hazardous activities (indoor frisbee and stair sledding, to name a few) and sternly put a halt to them. When the man says, ‘NO’, he means it. And whenever we need to make a big transition involving the kids, such as switching bedrooms or sleep training, Todd is sent in to present a strong, unwavering front.

In spite of these parenting strengths, I discovered soon after the birth of our first child that there is one task my husband is NOT good at: coping with interrupted sleep. The times he took the night shift with our fussy, gassy infant were the times he woke up grumpy as a toddler on a long road trip. I quickly figured out that if I stayed up and soothed our little baby, my hubby would greet me with a smile, a good mood and a fresh pot of coffee in the morning… and my whole day would go a heck of a lot better.

Kinder, gentler parent.

While we’re on the subject of my parenting strengths (Ahem), I will argue that I’m a kinder, gentler kind of parent. I get down on my kids’ level and try to figure out the interesting logic working itself out in their little brains. I have a checklist, calendar, and figurative social-media feed running in my head at all times. And I somehow have the magic ability to predict the future because I always know how many changes of clothes and snacks to throw in the diaper bag, and how many meltdowns to prepare for. (I know many of you have this magic ability as well.)

You would think that with all of these opposing strengths, my husband and I would make a dynamite parenting team. But there have been MANY times in our marriage and our parenting journey that we have found ourselves at odds with each other. While one of us is focused on safety or doing things correctly, the other is focused on having a good time or being sweet. At times, we have accused each other of not pulling enough weight. I’ll be honest; these differing perspectives have made for some big ol’ disagreements.

Cheryl to the rescue. She calmly helped me put our parenting woes into perspective one day. “Kirsten,” she said, “You’re kind of like a Cruise Director. You’re focused on everyone having a good time and being well-fed and well-rested. Todd’s the Captain of the Ship. He is more interested in keeping everyone afloat and getting them to the port safely. Both of you want the cruise to be successful, but you are just focused on different aspects of the journey.”

By golly, she was right. Cheryl has said a lot of wise things, but this particular analogy won the “ah-ha moment” prize.

Working in Unison: Cruise Director and Captain

Working in Unison Aboard the Love Boat

When Todd and I began to see ourselves as being assigned to different roles on the same boat, it helped us to divvy up tasks accordingly and resent each other less.

Yes, it is crucial for you and your parenting partner to back each other up, to parent in a consistent manner, and to both chip in with child-rearing and household duties. But it is also OK and beneficial for each of you to utilize your individual strengths and balance each other out. Your kids don’t need you to be clones of each other – they can learn from your varied approaches and benefit from your unique styles. Maybe you feel most comfortable as the ship chef, the entertainment director or the housekeeping expert. Figure out what you and your partner do best and then give each other room to be the finest parents you can be. Smoother sailing and calm childhood seas will be the end result. And you might just deliver your kids to the port of adulthood in one, well-rounded piece.

BPP Sanity Savers:

Keep in mind that you and your parenting partner are working toward the same end goal of raising healthy, happy kids. Identify what each of you do best, split up jobs accordingly and be open to feedback or concerns when your partner wants to re-evaluate how things are being handled.
Regularly praise your partner for their strengths (especially if they are different from yours), learn from what they do well and present a united front to your kids.
If you are a single parent, introduce other trusted adults into your family that have unique strengths and perspectives that your kids can benefit from.

Here’s to strength, sanity and smooth sailing,

Kirsten

The real captain, cruise director and 1st mate.

The real cruise director, captain and 1st mate.