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Make it Clear – 3 Reasons Why Moms Won’t Tell You What They Need :: Tuesday Tip

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Have you ever whisper-screamed?  If you’re thinking hard, you probably haven’t.  Operating definition – the sound resulting from two opposing forces:  the need to scream combined with the need to stifle.  You are freaking out, but don’t want your neighbors to think you’re being murdered, don’t want to wake the baby, or know deep down that the situation doesn’t really warrant a full-blown scream.

I personally discovered this skill years ago, when a huge tree roach flew into my apartment.  If you haven’t seen a tree roach, have a look at this sucker and prepare for about a week of nightmares:

roach

I’m generally not afraid of bugs or spiders, but roaches are the sentient, evil exception.   It was running in confused circles at warp speed on the floor.  I froze.  There were no options.  I couldn’t use my normal bug tactic, holding it loosely in a tissue and gently setting it outside, because if I got too close, it would run up my body, into my gaping, horrified mouth and down my throat.  And I couldn’t step on it, because it had a completely formed skeleton, organs and intestines, and would make my living room look like a crime scene.  So, I did the only thing I could.  I slowly backed away and whisper-screamed, “loud”, three times.

I busted the whisper-scream again when my daughter was a few weeks old.  Breastfeeding was a difficult process for me.  Once I got into a good position, I had a habit of clenching myself, remaining as still as possible to avoid jinxing the flow.  A few minutes into this particular late night session, I realized I’d forgotten two essential things:  a big glass of water and my book.  Her dad, J, was asleep in the next room.  I tried to reason with myself.  Surely I could get through the next 30-45 minutes without these small comforts…but my need for them only intensified.  I spotted the baby monitor and decided it was worth waking him.

I started by softly calling his name.  No response.  I leaned as far as I could toward the monitor.  “J!”  Nothing.  As slowly and carefully as possible, I lifted the nursing pillow and my baby girl, intently keeping both in locked position, and inched toward the monitor until my face was pressed against it.  Full on whisper-scream: “JAAAYYYYYY!!!”  Silence.  I shambled into our bedroom, mid-air breastfeeding on the way.  I woke him up, indignant, and we argued about how it was possible for him to sleep through all of that whisper-screaming??

I was being ludicrous.  Why didn’t I just stop feeding her for one minute, be okay with the risk of her crying in protest, wake him up gently and in person, and ask him to help me?  Or, just take care of myself?

Why not cut the whisper and just scream?  Or better yet, calmly and clearly ask for what you need?

Here are three reasons blocking many of us from making our needs and wants crystal clear, often resulting in our partners feeling set up to fail:

  1. We don’t know what our needs are.  During the first few months of a baby’s life, sleep is erratic, if happening at all (did you know that sleep deprivation/interruption is a torture tactic used by terrorists?), and there’s a constant focus on keeping up with this sweet, helpless being’s needs.  This is often at the detriment of our ability to tune inward and assess what would feel good or helpful.  By the time one round of breastfeeding, diaper changing, playing and napping has completed, it’s time to start the whole process over again.  Ask an exhausted new mom in the throws, “Hey, what can I get you?  A snack?  Lip balm?” and you might be met with a blank stare, and this answer: “Hmmmm.  A lobotomy?”
  2. We want you to read our minds.  The femininity training many of us receive ingrains our preoccupation with the big picture, which is dominated by other people’s needs:  who’s hungry, sad, bored, needs a drink refill, and how can we personally assist?  When we have babies, this big picture skill intensifies to a sometimes scary degree.  We long for our partners to have this skill too.  We want you to walk into our shared space, survey the scene and intuit our needs, which to us, are obvious.  See the dishes and laundry and spit up and hear the baby and the toddler crying and look at us and know that we need a hug, need you to scoop the kids up and away from us, put that load into the dryer, and make us an Old Fashioned.  If you don’t ask, “How can I help?”  we feel invisible.  Even though that feeling is not your fault, nor is it based in any sort of rational logic, it’s there, deep down, and it’s terrible.
  3. We’re afraid the answer will be “no,” or worse, no response.  What if we identify our needs, clearly communicate them, and our partners can’t or won’t respond?  What then?  Maybe it means having to take a deeper look at the relationship, and either coming to terms with our partner’s limitations, or not coming to terms and pushing for change.  Acknowledging and communicating your needs clearly means you have to be ready to face your partner’s answer, which can be a scary prospect.

couplesleep

The not easy or fun but incredibly empowering solution?  Start by internally identifying what you need and want, without trying to justify or talk yourself out of it.  Then, using effective communication, spell it out to your partner, and ask him or her to respond in a specific, behaviorally quantifiable way.  Say it, email it, text it, or haiku it.  Wait for a response, and no matter what you hear (even if it’s silence), know that you did everything you could by communicating clearly.  Don’t be a whisper-screamer.  And comfort yourself in the knowledge that you are bigger than the tree roach.  At least by a little.

Here’s To Sanity and Clarity,

Cheryl

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Capturing Birth, Infancy and Beyond on Film :: Wednesday Wisdom

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Photo by Deborah Lykins Photography Austin Texas

Deborah Lykins

Meet Deborah Lykins.  She is a professional photographer who specializes in documenting the joys of pregnancy, childbirth, infancy and parenting.  She currently works out of her boutique photography studio, Deborah Lykins Photography & Design in Austin, Texas.

Deborah received her masters degree in photojournalism and has worked with a number of publications including The Austin American Statesman and The New York Times. Her maternity portraits have been featured in Pregnancy Magazine and on KEYE news.

After experiencing the joys of having children, Deborah decided to combine her experience and skill in crafting compelling visual stories with her love of photographing the little people in her life.  She now partners with families to document and capture the emotions and beauty of welcoming these new lives and loves.  We were thrilled to have Deborah share her thoughts on photographing these special moments and on making the most of photography in our own lives.

BPP: How did you become interested in photography and the field of photojournalism?

DL: I’ve always loved to read and tell stories, and always thought I’d be a writer when I was younger. As I grew, I veered from literal storytelling to visual storytelling and got my Bachelors in Fine Arts.  I managed a photo lab – back before digital cameras – and a perk of the job was free film processing and printing.  I really grew and refined my photography skills.  Meanwhile, I was in charge of creating and running a digital lab for the shop, and spent many hours in Photoshop 5 doing digital retouching, restoration and training others on digital processing.

When we moved to Austin, I began working at a graphic design company.  One day, I saw a brochure for a visiting lecture series at UT.  All the speakers were photojournalists, and I felt something click in me. Photojournalism seemed to combine my love of stories and my passion for visual art. I wanted to tell stories about people with my photography. So I gathered up my portfolio, applied and was accepted into the photojournalism graduate program.

BPP: You have worked with publications such as the Austin American Statesman and the NY times. What caused you to switch gears and start focusing your photography on maternity, birth and beyond?

DL: I loved photographing news. I got to meet so many interesting people, and had access to places and things I would not normally get access to: like the floor of the Texas Senate and the field of a UT football game. Once, I flew in a B-25 bomber shooting pictures through a large, open door in the side of the plane. I covered some serious stories, such as military trials at Ft. Hood and missing kids in Laredo, Texas.  I also did light-hearted assignments, like the Wiener Dog races in Buda, Texas.  It was an amazing experience.

However, after having my first son, the uncertain schedule of a freelance photojournalist became difficult and stressful for me. Don’t get me wrong, I know a number of women with families who balance freelancing and parenting, but I also surprised myself by wanting to stay home for a while and focus on being a mom. I decided to take a time out and explore my options. During this new career and personal life shift, I found I could never put my camera away for long.  I realized I still wanted to document and share this new (to me) world I was seeing and experiencing. So, I began documenting families and telling the creation stories of new families.

BPP:  You often use your camera to document the beautiful scene of a mother’s labor and the birth of their child. What is it like to be an outside observer, looking through the lens of your camera, during this momentous occasion for families?

DL: It’s one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had… every time.

The whole process constantly awes me, the strength of the women in labor and the people who support them, the intensity of the emotions, and ultimately the miracle of the birth. Those first moments of a newborn’s life are indescribable. My heart stops and I get choked up, every time.

I am so lucky that couples invite me in, trusting me with these intensely private moments.  I have three young children, and there is a point during every birth I document when I have a visceral reaction. I think, “Oh yeah, I remember feeling that.”  I believe that recollection helps me capture the emotions of the day. I can anticipate and look for the small but fleeting moments of expression, like when foreheads touch, or a hand brushes a brow, or a small kiss lands on the shoulder. Some people think birth photography is about the crowning shot, but it’s really about the emotion of the day and recording those quiet little moments that can get lost in the intensity and excitement of everything else. Most everything in my memory from the births of my three children is a blur.  So many wonderful memories would have been lost if I did not have them documented.

Birth Photography by Deborah Lykins Photography in Austin Texas

BPP: When you have been asked to document a birth, how do you know when to arrive at the birth location? Do you stay during the entire labor and delivery?

DL: I am on call for the few weeks before and after the due date.  I tell Moms to call me when they think labor has started.  That way, I can square away my schedule, childcare and be ready to go. If they are having the baby at home, they usually call again when the midwife is coming, or when they are headed to the hospital or birth center. I stay through the labor, delivery, and the first couple of hours after birth so I can capture all the important moments: the cord cutting, the weighing, the first bath, the foot prints, and of course all the parent-baby nuzzling. I do make sure to give the new family space. I try to find the balance between capturing all the important moments and giving the families time to savor each other.

BPP: Is there anything that has surprised you or inspired you when capturing a birth on film?

DL: Everything. No really, I know it sounds silly but everything about birth photography surprises me and inspires me, at every birth.

BPP: You also do family photo-shoots, with newborn babies and with older children. Any suggestions on how a family can prepare for and get the most value out of a photo session?

newborn_and_mother_portrait_deborah_lykins_austin

DL: Each type of session is different and I have different suggestions for preparing for each type of shoot.  Generally, I do a pre-session questionnaire and consultation to help nail down things like the must have shots, the location and the clothing choices. I also help with styling the clothes, and have been known to go to a client’s house to look at clothes when asked. Sometimes people text me photos of potential outfits while they are shopping and I’ll send them my thoughts. I know some of these decisions can get overwhelming and stressful, so I try to make it as easy as I can.

I think aiming to have everyone well rested and fed is very helpful, l and I try to bring snacks with me to shoots. I also tell parents not worry too much about their kids’ behavior at the session.  Our goal is to have fun and be silly – for an hour or so normal behavior rules don’t apply. It’s also important that the parents are relaxed and having fun, because kids pick up on moods and will react to them.

BPP: We live in an age of cell-phone and digital photography. Any pointers for parents who are wanting to capture themselves and their newborn on film? Do you recommend purchasing a high-quality camera with a good lens?

DL: This is a question I get asked a lot, and a couple years ago I wrote a full-length article about it. Basically, it says to:

  1. Try to find a unique viewpoint
  2. Don’t use the built-in flash (if you can avoid it)
  3. Don’t make kids pose for photos all the time
  4. Use the rule of thirds (see more in my article)
  5. Take lots of pictures and have fun!

One thing I would like to add to that list: Watch for emotions like laughter and even crying. Emotions tell stories and the photos that capture them are the ones you’ll want to revisit.

Regarding cameras: DSLRs are fun and if you take the time to learn to use one, you will likely capture better images than with anything else.  The cameras on iphones and other point and shoots are pretty amazing now, so if you aren’t tech-y or don’t want to spend a lot of time learning, a DSLR is not a necessity.  I probably use my iPhone for casual photos of my family more than any other camera I own.

BPP: Do you enjoy capturing your own family on film? Do they shy away from the camera or embrace your art?

DL: My two older kids love having their pictures taken.  My youngest one is going through a phase where he turns his back on me whenever the camera is out. Children of photographers probably have the most well documented lives of all people, and mine are no exception. I love having all these memories that I can revisit but I also make a point to leave my camera in the bag. That way I can be with my family and experience life with them rather than documenting it.

Maternity and family portrait by Deborah Lykins Photography Austin, Texas

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to expecting or new parents, what would it be? (this can be photography related, or just sanity-related)

DL: I recently had someone say to me when I was feeling overwhelmed, “Let go. Everything is perfect and it is the way it needs to be.”  It really resonated with me. The reminder that even when things feel too intense, as they often do when you are a parent, everything is perfect.  Even while we are flawed, we are as we need to be.

Thank you so much Deborah for sharing your sweet words, your photo-wizardry wisdom and your gorgeous portraits with us!

C & K ♥

Anger Is A Gift :: Monday Musing

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Are you mad?

My beautiful friend, Jean, is an incredibly grounded acupuncturist.  She believes that most women are not given a template for dealing with anger, if they’re able to consciously acknowledge they’re experiencing it in the first place.  Our training, at times by our parents, and constantly by society is to be nurturing and supportive, avoiding the “b word” label at all costs.  There’s no room in that scenario for being pissed off.  I believe men are subject to this emotional sanction in a slightly different way.  They’re not allowed to show weakness, which means there’s no space to cry or say, “I have no clue.”  All of that hidden powerlessness has to manifest somehow, and can start an internal storm of anger so intense it becomes easier to numb out or disengage than to deal with it.  I took in Jean’s words and asked her, “How do you process your own anger?”  With a wry smile she replied, “Me?  Ohhh, I don’t get angry!”

Vertical_tantrum

Kids are supposed to be out of control sometimes.  Even when they master language and can have high-level conversations with you, it takes many until their 20’s to fully grasp how to moderate their emotions. (I’m still working on it at almost 40.)  If you feel out of control and don’t know how to deal with it, and you’re in the presence of a child who is out of control (or is just being a kid), it can feel irresistible to come down way too hard on them, trying to control them instead of yourself.  Have you ever seen an adult schooling a child in a public place, looking like a complete a-hole while the child just looks very small?  This happens all the time, even to conscious, well-meaning parents.

The only person in my family of origin allowed to express intense feelings was my dad.  The feeling he expressed most often was anger.  He would repress for a while, and then blow a gasket about something trivial my siblings and I did or didn’t do, often when we least expected it.   My therapist described this as “venting through your children.”  She explained that my dad, like many adults, had a hard time understanding or dealing with his feelings, and things got built up inside.  Eventually, a volcano erupted.

As a child, it never occurred to me to feel much of anything, let alone express it, because I was too busy avoiding wrath by being a perfect little girl and hiding.  Eventually, the whole “not having feelings” thing stopped working, and I had to start coping with the build-up I’d spent my life running from.  When I had babies, a whole new level of this work began.

When my daughter was two and my son was a few months old, they used to have what I referred to as “crying competitions.”  It felt like they were trying to outdo each other.  One would start to calm down a little, and the other would let out another wail, and then the first would start all over again – neither would let the other have the last word.  I am laughing as I write this, but at the time, I was in hell.  I would put one on each hip, and bounce through the house singing to them, trying to make them laugh, and finally, exhausted, I’d just sit on the floor and hold them while waiting it out.  After a few rounds, I started noticing anger, very hot, rising up in me.

How soothing, right?  Mom is holding us, but her jaw is clenched, her arms stiff.  I knew they were just being normal, crying babies, but no amount of rational thinking could compete with the anger that was coming from my perceived inability to control the situation.  I felt myself wanting to scream at them, but something made me put them down, my son in his bouncy seat, my daughter next to him on the rug.  I walked out into the garage and shut the door behind me.  I could still hear them crying, but I sensed they’d be safe for a few minutes.  My eyes fell on the pile of stuff we were donating to charity.  I don’t remember which toy I picked up, but I know it was pink, and when I threw it as hard as possible onto the garage floor, it shattered in the most satisfying way imaginable.  Just to ensure its total destruction, I picked it up and threw it down again.  Hard.  Then, I took a deep breath, exhaled, and walked back into the house.  I felt like a different person.  Calm.  I soothed them and got through the rest of day.

That wasn’t perfect, by any means.  Before I walked out, I didn’t reassure them that I’d be back, and it wasn’t their fault.  They probably heard the scary crashes.  Breaking toys in my garage made me feel like a psychopath. Plus, what about the poor kid who would now be deprived of the joy of playing with whatever that pink thing was?  Wasteful.  But, I’d rather them feel a little scared or uncertain, hear a noise, and then have me come inside and soothe them from an authentically calm place.  I’d rather explain that I was angry, and needed a moment alone to deal with it.  I don’t want to scream at them, or hit them, or handle them roughly, or shame them.  I really, really don’t want to vent out my emotional crap through my kids.

Another big rupture happened shortly after J and I went through our divorce.  Turns out grief manifests in me as it does in many men: anger, anger, anger.  I could feel a wave of it coming up, and was desperate to get my kids settled in front of the TV in our upstairs loft so I could take a break.  They could feel the tension emanating from me, and reacted by whining and protesting.  Shocking.  Finally, I lost it and yelled, “Please just watch your show!!”  Of course, that soothed them right away, and then, I held that powerful, “I’m an adult in complete control” stance as I lost my footing and slid down our wooden staircase on my ass.  My finest parenting moment to date.

I wish I was telling you all of this while sitting under a tree in a lotus posture, totally zen, referring to these past, totally resolved issues.  Nope.  I still struggle with moderating my emotions.  The good news is that I’ve learned a few ways to deal, minimizing the risk of negative impact on people around me.  One is intense music.  Most people feel anger reducing when listening to calm, soothing music, but sometimes the opposite is true for me.  I make sure the kids are settled, pop in ear buds and turn it a little too loud.  The sounds are slightly angrier than I feel. They envelope and hold me.  A go-to track is “Burning Inside” by Ministry, in which a sound the domestic goddess in me has decided is a vacuum cleaner melts into insanely fast drumming and impending doom guitar.  If I’m especially keyed up, I actually run the vacuum while listening.  This serves to further calm me, and assuage some of the inherent guilt that accompanies anger, because hey, look at those floors!  Planting my face into a pillow and screaming at the top of my lungs is amazing, and  often makes me laugh at the melodrama of it.  And of course, I know the donation pile is right there in the garage if I need it.

Brilliant psychotherapist Irvin Yalom writes about a female client who came to a session very distraught.  She tearfully explained that the night before, she had gotten drunk, had a huge fight with her husband, and ended up throwing a lemon pie against the wall.  The visual:  lemon custard oozing down the wall, broken pie plate and crust all over the floor.  Yalom said his instinct was to try and alleviate what he perceived was her guilt, reassuring her that it probably wasn’t so bad, to not be hard on herself, etc.  Turns out, he had read her wrong.  Her tears were grief over lost time.  For the first time, she had finally expressed her true feelings, in an impossible to take back way.  I repeat this story over and over, because it captures the essence of our right to messy emotions dead on.

One of my clients made my year when she emailed me this photo, and gave me permission to share.  The title:  “Look What I Did!”

angry_pie

Shaving cream pies.  Brilliant, cathartic and safe, because you won’t be tempted to lick lemon off your fence, eliminating splinter risk.

These little people look to you for containment, and you recognize that at times you can’t contain yourself.  And you step into another room, and throw a pie.  Then you come back to them, and you continue trying.  You own your humanity with them, and you are humble about your limitations. You soothe, repair, and clean the wall.  You try hard to stop whatever cycles could continue through you and into them.  And, perhaps most importantly, you show them how adults forgive themselves.

Disclaimer: I am in no way advocating senseless harm to innocent lemon pies, especially if they are gluten-free and topped with meringue.  Limits, people.

Here’s To Sanity and Yalom,

Cheryl

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Paleo Chocolate Chip Banana Bread :: Friday Foodie

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bananabread

This decadent, healthy bread hails from George Bryant, dynamic author of the website, Civilized Caveman Cooking.  Even if you’re not into eating a paleo diet, you’ve got to check out his site, where you’ll enjoy gorgeous photos and delicious, easy to execute recipes.  Plus, “Civilized Caveman.”  I need a minute.  Okaaaayyyy on with the recipe.  I’ve barely modified it by adding zucchini and chocolate chips, for the extra nutrients and yumminess.  Another delightful version omits the chocolate chips and adds chopped pecans, chopped pineapple and toasted coconut.  I love that a thick slice of this bread not only tastes amazing, but has everything you need for a complete meal:  veggie-based carbs, fat and protein.  It also freezes well, should you ever find yourself in an alternative universe with leftovers.

Ingredients:

  • 4 very ripe bananas, mashed
  • 1/2 cup finely grated zucchini
  • 1/2 cup almond butter
  • 4 tablespoons coconut oil, melted
  • 4 eggs
  • 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
  • 1/2 cup coconut flour
  • 1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
  • 1 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/2 cup Goodlife chocolate chunks or mini-chips (heavenly chocolate, without a bunch of crappy things you can’t pronounce)
  • Butter for greasing your loaf pan and spreading on the warm bread… mmmmm

 

Technique:

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.  Using about 2 teaspoons of unsalted butter, grease a glass loaf pan (yes, glass, because metal pans get a little extra hot, making the crust too dark and the middle too doughy) very, very well, otherwise the bread will stick like glue, and you don’t want to miss a single bite.  (Mandy and her girls refer to pan stickage as “shrapnel.”  See my tips below to avoid this terribly unfortunate loss.)

In a medium bowl, use a hand mixer to blend the bananas, zucchini, almond butter, coconut oil, eggs and vanilla until smooth and creamy.  Add all of the remaining ingredients and mix until smooth and creamy again.  You needn’t worry about mixing speed or time once the batter is blended, as this is one of those rare baking adventures that doesn’t require precision; the bread won’t collapse on you or wind up full of holes. Scrape the batter into your loaf pan, and bake for 50 minutes.

Place a strip of foil loosely over the top of the loaf to avoid excessive browning, and bake 10-15 minutes more, until the bread looks evenly browned and doesn’t quiver when you tap the pan.  Allow it to cool in the pan on a rack for about 45 minutes before serving with more butter.  Dang!

Cheryl’s Tips:

I’ve tried a version with not-so-ripe bananas, which according to George makes little difference.  Perhaps I have a high-maintenance pallet, but it didn’t taste as sweet as the version with super ripe.  I’ve started buying way more bananas than we need, and when we get to the final four, tossing them in the fridge, where they’ll last at least a week.  They turn very brown, but when you peel them, they’re perfect and have a higher sugar content. (Preview:  start saving cut up extra-ripe bananas in your freezer for smoothies, a recipe that will blow your baby-lovin’ mind is coming soon.)

I am easily pleased by the obscure.  Examples:  the first squeeze (from the very middle) of a new tube of toothpaste, perfectly peeling a label off a new purchase without the tiniest spec of sticky left behind, and dislodging a loaf of bread leaving a crumb-free pan.  Somehow, these minor victories slightly balance chaos.  After the bread cools, run a knife carefully around the edges of the loaf several times.  Invert the pan onto a bread board and tap the bottom, allowing the loaf to slowly and elegantly fall out.  Enjoy this moment of perfection.

Here’s To Sanity and Cavemen,

Cheryl

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All Hands On Deck :: Tuesday Tip

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Safety Czar in Action

Safety Czar in Action

Shhh… don’t tell him I said this, but in many ways, my husband is a better parent than me. (Did I really just admit that? Oh, yes I did.) When it comes to consistency and common sense, Todd is unflappable. In our home, we not-so-affectionately refer to him as “The Safety Czar” for his uncanny ability to detect all hazardous activities (indoor frisbee and stair sledding, to name a few) and sternly put a halt to them. When the man says, ‘NO’, he means it. And whenever we need to make a big transition involving the kids, such as switching bedrooms or sleep training, Todd is sent in to present a strong, unwavering front.

In spite of these parenting strengths, I discovered soon after the birth of our first child that there is one task my husband is NOT good at: coping with interrupted sleep. The times he took the night shift with our fussy, gassy infant were the times he woke up grumpy as a toddler on a long road trip. I quickly figured out that if I stayed up and soothed our little baby, my hubby would greet me with a smile, a good mood and a fresh pot of coffee in the morning… and my whole day would go a heck of a lot better.

Kinder, gentler parent.

Kinder, gentler parent.

While we’re on the subject of my parenting strengths (Ahem), I will argue that I’m a kinder, gentler kind of parent.  I get down on my kids’ level and try to figure out the interesting logic working itself out in their little brains. I have a checklist, calendar, and figurative social-media feed running in my head at all times.  And I somehow have the magic ability to predict the future because I always know how many changes of clothes and snacks to throw in the diaper bag, and how many meltdowns to prepare for. (I know many of you have this magic ability as well.)

You would think that with all of these opposing strengths, my husband and I would make a dynamite parenting team. But there have been MANY times in our marriage and our parenting journey that we have found ourselves at odds with each other. While one of us is focused on safety or doing things correctly, the other is focused on having a good time or being sweet. At times, we have accused each other of not pulling enough weight. I’ll be honest; these differing perspectives have made for some big ol’ disagreements.

Cheryl to the rescue. She calmly helped me put our parenting woes into perspective one day. “Kirsten,” she said, “You’re kind of like a Cruise Director. You’re focused on everyone having a good time and being well-fed and well-rested. Todd’s the Captain of the Ship. He is more interested in keeping everyone afloat and getting them to the port safely. Both of you want the cruise to be successful, but you are just focused on different aspects of the journey.”

By golly, she was right. Cheryl has said a lot of wise things, but this particular analogy won the “ah-ha moment” prize.

Working in Unison: Cruise Director and Captain

Working in Unison Aboard the Love Boat

When Todd and I began to see ourselves as being assigned to different roles on the same boat, it helped us to divvy up tasks accordingly and resent each other less.

Yes, it is crucial for you and your parenting partner to back each other up, to parent in a consistent manner, and to both chip in with child-rearing and household duties. But it is also OK and beneficial for each of you to utilize your individual strengths and balance each other out. Your kids don’t need you to be clones of each other – they can learn from your varied approaches and benefit from your unique styles. Maybe you feel most comfortable as the ship chef, the entertainment director or the housekeeping expert. Figure out what you and your partner do best and then give each other room to be the finest parents you can be. Smoother sailing and calm childhood seas will be the end result. And you might just deliver your kids to the port of adulthood in one, well-rounded piece.

BPP Sanity Savers:

  1. Keep in mind that you and your parenting partner are working toward the same end goal of raising healthy, happy kids. Identify what each of you do best, split up jobs accordingly and be open to feedback or concerns when your partner wants to re-evaluate how things are being handled.
  2. Regularly praise your partner for their strengths (especially if they are different from yours), learn from what they do well and present a united front to your kids.
  3. If you are a single parent, introduce other trusted adults into your family that have unique strengths and perspectives that your kids can benefit from.

Here’s to strength, sanity and smooth sailing,

Kirsten

The real captain, cruise director and 1st mate.

The real cruise director, captain and 1st mate.

Parenting as an Adoptive, Single Dad :: Wednesday Wisdom

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Kyler & Terry

Kyler & Terry

Meet Terry Cox… amazing dad to one of the coolest kids we know.  We’re excited to feature Terry because he brings two perspectives to our Wisdom table: that of an adoptive parent and a single dad.  Terry describes himself as a South Austinite, trying to stay young in mind and body. Terry worked as a licensed counselor for several years before transitioning into a business development role that he has grown into for the last 10+ years.  His hobbies include cycling, surfing, and staying active enough to eat Mexican food whenever he wants.  His top priorities in life are his faith, his son, his health, and his close friends and family.  Terry and, his son, Kyler, just radiate joy when they’re together – and it’s infectious.

BPP: Please tell us briefly about what led you to decide to adopt, and how you chose the agency?

TC: My now ex-wife and I both shared a desire to adopt a child even prior to our marriage.  She has a bi-racial daughter who played into our decision to have a “multi-color” non-traditional family.  We looked at both adoption and fostering, and it really became a no-brainer for us to go the foster to adoption route.  There is a huge need in our community in the foster system, plus it didn’t make sense monetarily, logistically, or for other reason for us to go the international adoption route.  We chose a foster agency that provided information and training, and off we were.

BPP:  As a father to be – how did you emotionally/mentally prepare for your son’s arrival?  What if any of those preparations felt unique to his being adopted?

TC: Things happened very fast for us.  Just a month after completing foster training, we got a call about Kyler (my son).  The agency gave us specifics about him and his biological parents, and told us we had 48 hours to make a decision (he was about to be discharged from the hospital at 4 weeks old). After much discussion with each other and family, and prayer, we decided that he was our boy.  It’s a pretty surreal experience.  One day you are on a business trip, the next day there is a knock on your door from two women holding your new baby.  It’s like the stork showed up.  From a preparation standpoint, we had nothing set up, not even a nursery.  Just open arms and hearts to welcome this amazing little baby.  In our experience, it seemed all the prep work that people feel they need is sometimes manufactured and causes more stress than good.

Emotionally, we just began the process right there, raising our son.  This was a wild ride, but I dove in head first and loved watching my son begin to bond with us.  Unique to adoption, for me, is this overwhelming feeling that I chose this specific boy.  There was a need, and we filled the void, and in turn he filled us.  It’s a great emotional experience.  It has strengthened my faith in many ways.

BPP: How did you feel and respond (both positive/difficult aspects) as you watched your new baby form the huge bond with his mom?

TC: I loved watching him bond with his mom, his sister and his extended family.  As parents, we developed the safe and secure world that our son would thrive in.  One thing I’m proud of is that even though our marriage didn’t last, we created a very nurturing and thriving environment for Kyler that continues today.

BPP: How did you and your baby’s mom try to support each other through the transition of adoption, and then welcoming a new baby?

TC: We were a team for the most part.  We shared night and day duties and were both active in all aspects of raising our baby.  With that said, things got stressful with new routines, habits, etc.  Looking back, I realize how we just took things as they came and adjusted to the moment.  Our extended family was very supportive as well.

BPP: What advice can you give new moms on how to best include and support their partners during this insane new parent transition?

TC: Make your partners a part of the process.  I’m sure that looks different for each person, but communicate and encourage your partner to participate in all aspects.  I think men can be passive and on the sideline, and my in opinion, nothing good comes from that approach.  Be active and engaged.  Moms… push your partners to engage.

BPP: When you went through your divorce, what steps did you take to keep yourself sane and strong as a parent?

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TC: Family, family, family.  My sister lives nearby and provided much emotional and logistical support.  I also re-invested in key friendships and in activities that re-fueled me like exercise.  After our divorce, my son was a little over a year old and was with me 50% of the time.  I was still very active in raising him, and had to learn to co-parent with my ex.  Some may think that raising a son caused more stress for me through the divorce, but playing the role of father is what kept me sane.  I realized that being a dad was the biggest return for me.  It kept me focused.

BPP: What are some of the biggest challenges you’ve faced in co-parenting with your ex?  How have you tried to address the challenges?

I think the biggest challenge is watching your tongue and not lashing out at your ex, even if it feels warranted.  A challenge for our situation is remaining calm with each other when one of us is stressed or irritable.  Another challenge is having to navigate logistics with holidays, work requirements, birthdays, etc.  The better two people can extend grace to each other and recognize that they are really on the same team, the better things can go.  Patience and taking a one-down approach, even when it’s not easy, always pays off in the end.

BPP: What advice would you offer new parents who end up divorcing while their children are young?

TC: Swallow your pride and remember, you have a child together, and your number one priority is to raise him or her to be healthy.  If your feelings get hurt, get over it…it’s never as big a deal as it seems.  If you’re angry, pause, and then pause again.  Never talk about a heated topic like visitation or money when you’re angry.  As much as you can, learn to celebrate key things for your child (birthdays, sporting events, church, milestones, etc.) together.  Don’t put your child in the middle of having to plan two things to placate his feuding parents.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?

TC: Don’t compare yourself to others…everyone is different…be genuine and real.  Whoops, that may be more than one.

Thank you Terry, for sharing your story with us.  We are grateful for awesome dads like you. – C & K ♥

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Spill It :: Monday Musing

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chubbylegs

When my daughter’s sleep disturbances first began, I didn’t realize she was in the early stages of colic, which has nothing to do with hunger.  Like many parents, I found a way to blame myself, wrongly believing that I was not producing enough milk, hence, wrongly believing she was slowly starving.  The nights of her crying non-stop were getting raw.  I felt so much pressure from within and out to feed her breast milk exclusively, and had wedged myself into a corner.  I stopped talking about it, because I was ashamed of the total lack of love I felt for breastfeeding.  I’d believed it would be a blissful and bonding experience for us, like it is for most moms and babies. I didn’t know this had nothing to do with milk.  I was losing my grip.

Enter my sister-in-law, Traci.  She’s on the bad-ass list, and I was beyond ready for her visit.  I’d planned to have everything sorted out by then, so she could just bond with her new niece, and we could sip decaf while wearing cute velour sweat pants and talking about how awesome it is to be a mom.  The version of me she actually encountered?  A total mess.  I melted into her hug, and she said, “Sissie, talk to me.”

Loaded pause.

The reasons people struggle with vulnerability are endless.  I’ll share my personal top three.

  1. “I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.”  As a therapist, I am very adept at identifying what my clients are feeling, but my internal gauge is flawed.  My family of origin had some great attributes, but one of our challenges was emotional repression.  Feelings were not discussed or reflected.  As an adult I have to work hard to identify what I’m feeling, let alone deal with it or describe it to others.
  2. “I don’t want to burden anyone.”  Part of repression comes from an irrational fear that the messiness of your feelings could actually harm someone (from negatively impacting their mood, to the extreme of actually physically injuring them).  Not to mention the risk of judgement, my most feared version being that people will think I want pity.  In her book, Daring Greatly, Brené Brown writes, “We can’t let ourselves be seen if we’re terrified by what people might think.  Often, ‘not being good at vulnerability’ means that we’re damn good at shame.”
  3.  “Other people have it way worse.”  This is true.  When I listen to my clients and friends, I marvel at what they’ve had to overcome just to function, let alone open themselves to trusting me or anyone else.  Rising to a global view, things can look horrific.  My hypocrisy enters here, because I never comparatively quantify others’ feelings.  I reserve all the judgement for myself.

I pushed through it all with Traci, because I felt I had no choice.  Disclaimer:  I might have dreamed this exchange, because I was sleep deprived.  But, I like this version, so it will go down in the annals (Freud made me use that word) as truth.  “I’m not okay I’m freaking out she won’t stop crying all night and I think it’s because I’m not producing enough milk and she’s starving and people keep saying I’ll feel it when my milk ‘lets down’ but I don’t feel shit and when I squeeze my boob nothing comes out should I show you?  no?  what if she starves?”  I caught my breath, and Traci, in her beautiful, strong voice said, “Hey.  Rita.  It’s going to be okay.”

Why’d she call me Rita?  That’s her pet name for when I get worked into a mash-up of excitement, anxiety and neurotic hyper-focus.  She once accompanied me on a mission to buy a used silver Honda Accord.  I tracked one down, and was told on the phone to meet with a salesperson named Rita.  In this case, Excitement = a silver Accord…wheee!  Anxiety = the last silver Accord on the planet will be sold out from under me.  Neurotic Hyper-Focus = I must find Rita, immediately, and at all costs.  When we entered the dealership, I walked, fast, up to the first four salespeople I encountered, one of whom was a man, thrusting my hand forward in a firm, “I’m no sucka” shake, exclaiming, “Hiiii, Rita!  Are you Rita???” while Traci stood slightly behind me, shrugging her shoulders apologetically at each non-Rita, silently mouthing, “Meth.”

I cried out my fears, and she just sat with me.  Then she picked up my daughter and said, “Look at her.”  I did.  I saw a round, vibrant face.  Little rolls of fat on her legs.  Sustained.  Traci said, “Forest for the trees.  She’s okay, and she’s going to be okay.  We will figure this out, but she’s not starving.  You are doing an amazing job.”  Fear drained out of me, replaced by clear vision.

My friend Dennis is surviving cancer, and intimate with death.  I take what he says seriously.  His theory on pain and joy is that everyone gets numbered slices of each.  The slices are utterly disproportionate across people and from my limited view, there’s no explanation.  Certainly no justification. I only know that I feel the warmest and most purposeful when people share their pain and joy with me, I see myself in it, and I grow from the reflection.  And when I share my pain and joy with them, and they are released to see and share their own more freely.  The opposite of this warmth is alienation.  I won’t dilute this:  alienation kills.

Think you’re protecting yourself by hiding your real?  You’re not.  You’re likely too close to your situation to see clearly, your face pressed against a Seurat.  Opening yourself to others’ light allows you out of the patterns trapping you in your corner.  Think you’re protecting others?  You’re not.  You’re alienating them, depriving them of potential growth as they see themselves in you, feel closer to you, and naturally share their own real.  If you have someone you already trust, lean into them.  Take them to your crazy town, and air out your fears.  If you feel you don’t have anyone, try building trust with a therapist.  If you try and the therapist sucks or just isn’t the right fit, try someone else (I went to several before I found my Elaine).   Just spill it.  We need each other.  It’s how we’re wired.

Here’s To Sanity and Rita,

Cheryl

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Gluten-Free Lemon Pancakes w/ Honey Butter :: Friday Foodie

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Show me a therapist with a happy, idyllic childhood, and I’ll show you a unicorn.  Growing up had some pretty rough spots for me, but a bright one was the annual Kiwanis Pancake Supper (isn’t the word “supper” awesome?).  All you could eat stacks of round perfection, with slabs of fried ham on the side.  Balanced nutrition, and a big room full of, at least momentarily, jolly people. So it is with fondness that I present the first of many pancake recipes to come.  Now that I think about it… my 40th birthday is approaching. There will be many, many events commemorating this milestone, and you are witness to the birth of my first solid plan:  Cheryl’s 40th Birthday Pancake Supper.  It is ON.  Okay I’m back.  These light, fluffy, lemony pancakes will delight you.  Go get some lemons and make them right now.

Ingredients

For the Honey Butter:

  • 2 tablespoons softened sweet cream butter
  • 1/4 cup honey

For the Pancakes:

  • 2 cups Pamela’s Baking & Pancake Mix
  • 4 tablespoons coconut oil, melted (more for cooking the pancakes)
  • 2 eggs
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
  • 1/2 cup kefir or plain yogurt
  • 1 1/2 cups milk or milk alternative (my favorite is almond milk)
  • zest and juice of two lemons

Technique

For the Honey Butter:
Using a fork or small whisk, mix the honey and butter together until you reach a thick, spreadable consistency.  It will be lumpy at first, but keep working with it until the butter melts into the honey evenly.  If needed, pop the mixture into the fridge for a few minutes to thicken it further before serving it on the pancakes.

For the Pancakes:
Whisk all ingredients together (quickly after putting them in your mixing bowl, as the coconut oil can solidify and make the batter lumpy).  Heat a griddle or skillet over medium heat.  Add a tablespoon of coconut oil, and when it melts and is shimmering, dispense about 1/4 cup of batter per pancake (less for small kid-sized pancakes).  Allow the first side to cook until there are bubbles coming up in the center of the pancakes, and it’s easy to slide a spatula under them without a bunch of batter running off the middle (about 2 minutes).  Flip the pancakes, and allow the second side to cook for about 2 minutes.  When both sides are golden, serve them up with fresh berries and a dollop of honey butter.  This recipe feeds two adults (4 pancakes each) and 2 kids (6 silver dollar sized pancakes each).

Cheryl’s Tips

If you’ve made the Lemon Ginger Scones, I hope you treated yourself to a citrus zester.  Pull that bad boy out for these pancakes.
I also love my batter dispenser.  It makes perfectly round pancakes, and really cuts down on mess.  We eat pancakes at least once a week, so this seemingly frivolous tool has been very useful.  If you don’t use all the batter, you can cover the dispenser with foil, and use it again in the next few days.  Just add a splash of milk, whisk the batter a little and throw down another batch.
Pamela’s Baking & Pancake Mix is a staple in my pantry.  It’s expensive, but if you if eat gluten-free, it’s worth it.  This magical product keeps our table stocked with waffles, endless varieties of muffins, pizza, biscuits and cinnamon rolls, all without the bloat and constipation.  Now that’s yummy.

Here’s To Sanity and Supper,

Cheryl

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Why Can’t I Get Just One Kiss? :: Tuesday Tip

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Fizgig

After the transformative experience of adding a new life to your family, it’s fascinating how comfortable you can become with this little being attached to you, at all times.  Many parents feel weird the first time they leave home without their baby – it’s as if they’re walking around missing an appendage.  During the first week of her life, there was a moment when I realized I’d been holding, breast feeding or lying next to our daughter for 12 solid hours.  I walked onto our back porch to get a breather, and our cat made a dash for me, meowing for attention.  I snuggled with her, but realized the LAST thing I wanted was to touch or be touched by another living creature.  I thrive on affection, so feeling saturated to that level was monumental for me.  It hadn’t occurred to me until then how good a break could feel, to just be alone in my own skin.

Translate this to my relationship with her father, J.  Affection was huge for us, and if we were in arm’s reach of each other, we were usually connected physically, even if it was just sitting close enough for our legs to touch. During those early weeks with our daughter, it was as if we just forgot.  One of us was constantly attending to her, and touching each other only occurred by accident when passing her back and forth.  One afternoon while she slept, we sat down on the couch to catch up, and I scooted close to him for a hug.  Woah!  We simultaneously realized how much time had passed since we’d last intentionally touched each other, and how much we’d missed it.

It’s normal to feel the need for space.  You are experiencing constant skin-on-skin contact with a baby who needs you to survive.  To keep balance, you need moments of separation and autonomy, but remember that another part of your balance is a healthy relationship with your partner.  Make an effort to touch each other as often as you can, even if it’s just a quick hug or shoulder rub.  (An aside, to those couples for whom eye contact equals kissing equals sex, and sometimes the kissing part gets skipped, those early weeks are a different challenge since most medical professionals sanction sex for new moms until 6 weeks after giving birth. Perhaps this could be a fun exercise in restraint?  Or for those of you who really don’t dig affection, substitute what does feel good and connecting, like words of affirmation or quality time.)  Physical contact, even if slight, can help you feel closer through those insane early weeks, giving you both more peace of mind, which will benefit your baby immensely.

BPP Sanity Savers:

  1. As a parent, it’s normal to feel moments of, “Get off me!  Everyone!  Just get off me!!!”  Allow yourself guilt-free alone time to recharge.
  2. Remember that your relationship with your partner will also thrive with constant maintenance.  Go out of your way to give physical affection to each other.
  3. Make time for openness with your partner about what feels good physically and how you’d like to be touched.  Having a baby impacts hormones, sleep and emotions, which can cause your needs and preferences to dramatically flux.  Frequent communication can help you keep up with each other and stay connected.

Here’s To Sanity and Hugs,

Cheryl

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On Postpartum Depression and Anxiety :: Wednesday Wisdom

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Dr. Boyd photo

Postpartum depression and anxiety are issues that affect many women, and yet our society does not discuss or address these topics nearly enough. That is why we are featuring the expertise of Dr. Kelly Boyd for this week’s Wednesday Wisdom. Dr. Boyd is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Round Rock, Texas, specializing in reproductive related issues including endometriosis, fertility/assisted reproduction, high-risk pregnancy, pregnancy and postpartum anxiety/depression, NICU issues, medical termination, and perinatal grief and loss.  She is on the advisory board of the Pregnancy and Postpartum Health Alliance of Texas, the Association of Reproductive Health Professionals and is an active member of Postpartum Support International.

Dr. Boyd facilitates a free weekly postpartum support group at Any Baby Can, and also does a bi-monthly pregnancy and infant loss group at St. David’s Hospital.  She’s the mother of two teens and is very active within the parenting support community.  We are so honored to feature her experience and insight on postpartum issues, which impact so many parents, yet are surrounded by much unnecessary stigma, rendering them difficult to openly discuss.  And they need to be openly discussed.

BPP:  How do you define “Reproductive Psychology”, and what drew you to focusing your practice on these issues?

DKB: Reproductive psychology is defined as the practice of emotional support and counseling given to individuals, families and groups dealing with various types of reproductive issues that don’t go as planned in any part of the reproductive process.

Many people assume the reproductive process will just happen, but often it does not, and we are faced with statements and experiences that can result in feeling “it wasn’t supposed to be like this”.  Often these struggles can be traumatic and can affect a person/relationship physically, emotionally, relationally, financially and spiritually. Supportive reproductive counseling can help the person become more aware, gain insight and feel less alone in a process that often feels scary or out of control.

I became interested in reproductive psychology after personally experiencing many of these issues myself.  I also began to notice something unique about the assessment and treatment of reproductive related depression, anxiety and grief.  While there was tremendous medical care for families, little was being done to emotionally support families through reproductive challenges.  So, I became passionate about serving and educating the community and health professionals about the psychology of the reproductive process.

BPP: What are a few major differences between postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety?

DKB: One of my passions is educating about postpartum mood and anxiety disorders.  People often only refer to “postpartum depression”, but it’s often not only depressive symptoms.  Many women experience both depression and anxiety, and sometimes more of one than the other.  Postpartum panic, postpartum OCD and postpartum PTSD also fall under the umbrella of postpartum anxiety disorders. Here are some of the main differences:

Postpartum Depression includes:

  • Sadness, irritability, excessive guilt, changes in eating and sleeping, difficulty concentrating, hopelessness, decreased interest in self, baby or things that were once enjoyable.

Postpartum Anxiety includes:

  • Excessive worry or fear about the baby, health issues, fear that something terrible may happen, panic attacks, difficulty breathing, fear of losing control. Postpartum OCD (a sub-symptom of anxiety) often includes repetitive, obsessive scary thoughts about harm to the self, baby or family. Postpartum PTSD often happens with a traumatic birth experience and can include many of the above symptoms with the inclusion of nightmares, flashbacks and a re-experiencing of the trauma.

BPP: We imagine that when you meet new clients with postpartum issues, you sometimes wish they’d contacted you sooner.  What are some early signs that a woman should reach out for help?

DKB: Often women don’t reach out for help because they are not sure what’s happening, or because of shame and guilt about how they are feeling at a time our society often says is the happiest time in a woman’s life.

Warning signs indicating a need for help:

  1. Increased isolation and loneliness
  2. Prior mental health history in self or family that has worsened during pregnancy or postpartum
  3. Lack of support or relationships with the baby, partners and friends are becoming affected
  4. Sleep deprivation, hormonal shifts, difficulty with breast feeding may also cause changes in mood that may signal the need for help.
  5. Fear of losing control and a sense of being overwhelmed by everything

BPP: When you meet a woman struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety, what resources do you try to mobilize for her?

DKB: Individual and couples counseling, postpartum support groups, online support and blogs, increased social support systems, additional support for increasing sleep, nutritional needs, breaks for self care, exercise, massage, acupuncture, meditation/yoga, supplements and/or medication assessment.

BPP: What advice do you have for parenting partners, friends and family members of women struggling with these issues?

  1. Be supportive and listen to her fears, feelings and concerns. Validate that most of this is a time limited hormonal and life style adjustment that will improve.
  2. Remind them that they are not alone. This is not forever and not a reflection of the type of parent they are. It is time limited, and with help, increased support and awareness about postpartum issues, they will get well.
  3. Educate everyone about what postpartum IS, and what it is NOT. There are many myths. Get the facts.  Great resources for families are Postpartum Support International and Postpartum Progress.
  4. Hire and/or give additional help with household chores, night time baby wakings, sleep and self care time.

BPP: Why do you think postpartum issues are so difficult for women to talk about?

DKB: Because of the shame and stigma of maternal emotions being anything other than joyous.  There are so many motherhood myths and pressures on new parents, and often we are taught to not talk about difficult or painful emotions regarding our children or adjustment to our new role.  Many women also fear that they will be judged as not being a “good mom” if they express how they truly feel at times.  Additionally, many express a fear of being viewed as weak or a failure if they don’t get it “just right”.  Lastly, our media has mainly profiled extreme cases of postpartum psychosis, and many women fear they will become like that, or associated with the idea that they may harm themselves or their children if they talk about postpartum issues.  This is simply not true.  Postpartum psychosis is rare.  Postpartum anxiety and depression are very common, treatable and are nothing to be ashamed about.

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BPP: What would you say to a woman who feels intense shame about her postpartum issues?

DKB: What’s most important is that women realize this is a treatable, time limited experience.  With help, increased education, awareness and support, they will get well.  It’s not a reflection of them or their parenting.  It’s something we get through and are often better for it after we heal and get the well deserved support.

BPP: What are things expectant parents can do before baby’s arrival to prepare for the possibility of postpartum issues?

DKB: Women and families should consider getting support and educated in their pregnancy. Identify potential risk factors, and develop a postpartum intervention/prevention plan. Assess needs for all family members and get resources lined up before the baby arrives. A good prevention plan, open discussion about feelings, fears, expectations regarding sleep, feedings, household chores and transitions often significantly decreases postpartum distress for everyone.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?

DKB: “Please place your own oxygen mask on, before assisting others.”
Many new parents are forgetting how important it is to care for self because they solely focus on the baby or others, often resulting in depletion and exhaustion. Take time for self, which in turn will be a benefit for everyone!

Thank you, Dr. Boyd, for your insight into these incredibly important issues, that we hope will be talked about more and more openly.

Here’s To More Sanity and Less Shame,

C & K ♥

I Can’t Put Them In A Bubble? :: Monday Musing

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My first baby caught his first cold at the age of ten months. I was devastated. I assumed that the breast-feeding, pureed veggies and good sleep would make my little one immune to all illness. I was wrong. When I schlepped my congested patient into our pediatrician’s office, she calmly explained that my son had to build up his immune system somehow, and that his inability to blow his nose would make the cold last longer. She was right. No matter how much I tried to siphon out the mass quantities of snot with the little-blue-bulb-sucker-thing (and no matter how many times he swatted the snot-sucker out of my hand) I could not speed that cold out of his system. It simply had to run its course.

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Thus began a virtual marathon of viruses, bugs and infections. By the time Aidan was four years old, he had produced enough snot to fill a swimming pool. “I’ve just accepted that this is the way it’s going to be,” Cheryl often said in reference to her own children’s sniffles. I too worked on acceptance, worked on believing that illness is actually the most direct path to health.

Aidan did not limit his resilience building to the common cold. By the time he entered kindergarten, he had wedged a black bean up his nose, almost bitten right through his tongue, swallowed (and passed) a red plastic cherry from the Hi Ho Cherry-O board game, and somehow contracted a MRSA staph infection in his lymph gland (resulting in neck surgery and a scar that I’m pretty sure a future girlfriend will one day find manly). Our little guy was not only strengthening his immune system, he was testing out his infrastructure, and simultaneously testing his parents’ ability to roll with the punches.

None of these bumps and bruises prepared my husband and me for the health struggles that our second baby would encounter. Two weeks after Elliott was born, he was hospitalized and diagnosed with Posterior Urethral Valve, a congenital condition that affects the kidneys and bladder. Multiple hospitalizations and surgeries followed for our sweet little newborn and Aidan’s snottiness and stomach bugs suddenly paled in comparison.  My ER doctor friend, Janna, reassured me that Elliott’s body had plenty of time to adapt and remodel. And she was right. Elliott’s body not only remodeled, it thrived. He developed into a healthy Christopher Robin-esque creature who currently towers over the other kindergartners in his classroom.

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Despite my kids’ ability to divide and conquer their own health issues, I still find myself chasing them around with a metaphorical bubble wand. It is now the emotional pain that brings out my mama bear tendencies. The nurturing caretaker in me wants to protect my boys from all disappointment and hurt feelings. But the therapist in me knows that they have to experience some pain in order to develop the grit they’ll require later in life. So, I urge myself to sit back and let the squabbles, the bad school days and the crocodile tears work themselves out. In order to build up our kid’s strength, we have to allow them to suffer a little. I’m not sure if this suffering is worse for the kids or the parents. But I do know that if I gently support my kids as they work through their sniffles and scuffles, we will all come out a little healthier and a little tougher in the end.

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Here’s to Strength, Sanity and Scars!

Kirsten

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Gluten-Free Parsley-Garlic Chicken :: Friday Foodie

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This is a gluten-free version of a classic recipe Jacques Pépin prepared on one of his PBS shows.  Jacques is awesome.  My favorite series is “Cooking With Claudine” (his daughter); for the food, but even more for their fascinating relationship dynamic, which includes Claudine’s habit of snapping at Jacques each time he gently suggests she alter her cooking technique.  I LOVE being a therapist.  This dish is easy to prepare, has very few ingredients, and is a great kid alternative to chicken nuggets – I’ve served it to a few picky eaters who inhaled it despite the green.

Ingredients:

  • 4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
  • 1/2 cup brown rice flour
  • 1/2 cup loosely packed Italian parsley leaves
  • 2 cloves fresh garlic
  • 1 teaspoon kosher salt
  • 2 tablespoons grape seed oil
  • 1 tablespoon unsalted butter, cut into small pieces

Technique:

Cut the chicken into 1 by 1 inch pieces (for extra info on preparing boneless breasts, see my tips below).  Place the chicken in a Ziplock bag with the brown rice flour, seal and shake (the bag, and your body too if you’re into it) until all the pieces are coated.  Chop and chop and chop the garlic and the parsley, mixing them together on the same cutting board, scooping them into a pile with your knife and then chopping them again until you get this consistency:

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You can see it’s not as finely chopped as pesto, but there aren’t big chunks either.  Heat the grape seed oil in a large skillet over medium-high until it’s shimmering, then carefully place the chicken pieces in a single layer (you might have to do this step in two batches, placing the first cooked batch on a plate while the second is browning). Let the chicken cook until it’s lightly browned on the first side, and you can see that some white is creeping up over the pink edges (about 2-3 minutes).  Flip the pieces with tongs and brown the other side, about 2-3 minutes more.  If you did batches, add the plated chicken back to the skillet, and then add your beautiful parsley-garlic choppy-chop.  Using a wooden spoon, stir-fry the chicken until it’s coated with the parsley and garlic, and you can smell the garlic releasing that yummy smell (usually about 2-3 minutes – keep an eye on the garlic and try to keep it from browning).  Add the butter pieces and the salt, and continue stirring until the butter has melted over the chicken, and the whole pan looks like sizzling, golden decadence (about 1-2 minutes).  Dish it up and dig in!

Cheryl’s Tips:

Boneless, skinless chicken comes in many sizes.  I try to buy organic when I can, which usually means a smaller breast.  If you’re using the bigger size, you’ll notice one end is much thicker than the other.  A trick: place the breast in a sealed Ziplock bag and use the smooth side of a meat tenderizer mallet to pound it out until the breast is at a uniform thickness, which will make it easier to cut into consistently sized pieces, or, if you want to keep the breast whole, it will cook evenly and to perfection. How efficient to simultaneously prep food and process anger?  I didn’t have a mallet for many years, simply washing and using the flat side of a hammer.  MacGruber.

I gave measurements for 2 adult and 2-3 kid-sized portions. The one downside to this dish: the left-overs are lackluster, so prepare just enough to feed your family for one meal.

Here’s to Sanity, Jacques and MacGruber,

Cheryl

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Pimp My Self-Care :: Tuesday Tip

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As both an expectant and new parent, you get a LOT of advice.  Some of it you solicit, and some of it you really, really don’t.  The advice that helped me stomach all the advice?  “Try to take each suggestion as the person’s attempt at a gift; it won’t always fit or be the right color, but the intention behind it is usually kindness.”

That perspective worked well for me 95% of the time, but it definitely did NOT work for this jewel:  “Sleep while your baby is sleeping.”  When my baby girl slept soundlessly all day every day, deciding that night time was the right time for partying, crying, eating, and everything that involved being wide awake, I got this advice on repeat.  I know it was well-intentioned.  I looked like a haggard zombie.  Plus, as someone who approaches life with both myself and my clients holistically, I get that if something is off physically, it’s impossible to fully function mentally, emotionally or spiritually.  That said, this became my internal response when yet another well-meaning person suggested rest:  “(in Samuel L Jackson’s “Pulp Fiction” voice) Tell me to SLEEP, mother-f’er!  Tell me to SLEEP ONE MORE mother-f’in time!!”

When I tried to sleep while she was sleeping, I was stiff and motionless on the bed, eyes wide open, riddled with anxiety, feeling completely alienated from life outside our little house.  Sunlight flooded the room, and me, with desperation to connect to my former self.  I turned to Dr. Marc Weissbluth’s book, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child to try and get a grip on our situation, and was floored when I came across this quote:  “When the baby is asleep, get some sleep yourself, unless you are doing something for your own peace of mind.”  Okay.  The sleep book tells me it’s okay to do something besides sleep if it makes me happy.  Or at least this is how my exhausted brain chose to interpret it.

I stopped wrestling myself.  I decided that for me, being sleepy, but otherwise grounded, was better for all of us.  While she snoozed, I took long, hot baths.  I vented to friends, combing them for advice on how to fix our issues.  I got out of the house alone, wandered through Target and resisted the impulse to violently embrace complete strangers, yelling, “Hiiii!  Isn’t it sooo great to be alive together, looking at these pretty things together, breathing in this air together?!”  I made curry.  The curry part, especially, wouldn’t be a universally validated self-care suggestion, but it grounded me, and it tasted damn good.  For those first few months, I was very tired, but very alive, and able to more fully enjoy my sweet, party-lovin’ girl.

Accept parenting and self-care advice.  It’s based on a rich history of parents and professionals who have walked through the fire, and you need it.  Hear me when I say that putting yourself in physical peril is not okay. Milan Kundera said it well: “When we ignore the body, we are more easily victimized by it.”  But don’t forget that inside you, there’s this gorgeous, strong brain that gives you so much imperative information.  Listen to it, responding to and incorporating what you hear.  Your sanity is one of the greatest gifts you can give your family, even if your personal path to it isn’t fully backed by conventional wisdom.

BPP Sanity Savers:

  1. Try to remain graciously open to well-intended advice from others, including those who aren’t parents (they are often more grounded in life beyond the baby bubble).  Caring for your physical needs is the pre-requisite for all other needs, and get help addressing any barriers to these needs…
  2. …but, don’t forget to also listen to yourself, trusting your ability to discern the path to your emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.  Factor your voice in.
  3. It’s very possible to be fried to the point of an inability to hear your own voice or know WHAT you want or need.  If you find yourself there, it’s time to get support.  Call a trusted friend and/or a good therapist, be truthful about how overwhelmed you feel, and ask for help.

Here’s to Sanity and Curry,

Cheryl

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Strengthening Relationships with Harville Hendrix :: Saturday Share

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Have you ever wondered what exactly creates chemistry between two people? Or why the characteristics that drew you to a particular person might be the very same traits that drive you crazy later? Perhaps you’ve pondered why being in a relationship can feel like a whole heck of a lot of work at times.

Yes? Well, you might want to check out the book, Getting the Love You Want by Dr. Harville Hendrix. We’re featuring Dr. Hendrix as today’s Saturday Share because strengthening relationships is a BPP focus, and Mr. Hendrix eats, sleeps and breathes relationships.

Getting the Love You Want has been around since the 1980’s and continues to hang out on the best sellers list because it is just that good. It is the classic that keeps on giving. After going through a divorce himself, Dr. Hendrix set out to discover just what brings couples together and then what tears them apart. In the process, he created Imago theory, a road map to understanding why we choose the partners we do, why we tend to repeat patterns in relationships, and why we inevitably encounter conflict. The cool thing about the book? Hendrix devotes the entire second half to suggestions and exercises designed to help couples work through their struggles and create a stronger bond.

Dr. Harville Hendrix

Dr. Harville Hendrix

If you are an expectant or current parent (which most of our blog followers are), you will find Giving the Love that Heals to be equally informative and helpful. In this parenting guide, Dr. Hendrix and his current wife, Dr. Helen Hunt, explain that parents often feel the most challenged by their children at the developmental stages in which they did not get their own needs met growing up. They argue that a parent’s own wounds and deficits will be healed when they are consciously and mindfully parenting their own children during those challenging times.
Some of the topics explored in Giving the Love that Heals are:

  • Maximizer and Minimizer Parents – the defensive styles that internally shape what we say and how we interact with our children
  • A Parenting Process – A system that helps to end the “cycle of wounding” – the handing-down of wounding we received as children – as we raise our own children
  • Safety, Support and Structure – how to give children what they really need from us
  • Modeling Adulthood – using our healed sense of self as a model for our children

Both of these books are great reads for couples and parents at any stage. And if you don’t have a spare second to pick up a book (which is the case for the majority of new parents!) check out Harville Hendrix’s website for helpful tips and exercises.

Here’s to strength, sanity and really good books!

♥ – C & K

On Homebirth and Midwifery :: Wednesday Wisdom

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LaurieMeet Laurie Fremgen, Certified Professional Midwife (CPM).  Laurie has been providing midwifery services in the Austin and surrounding area since 1996.  She’s passionate about home birth, parents and babies, and we are excited to bring her perspective to Baby Proofed Parents, where we want to create a safe environment in which all viewpoints about birth and parenting can be openly discussed.  I am proud to introduce Laurie for many reasons – the biggest being that she attended the births of both my children.  Her strong, soulful, capable presence helped make both of their births the most powerfully alive moments of my life to date.  Check out her beautiful website, HoneyDue Homebirth, for more information on her services and information on midwifery/homebirth. ♥ – Cheryl

BPP: What drew you to become a midwife?
LF: I think it was in my blood from a very young age. I used to pretend play when I was very little that my barbies would be pregnant and give birth. When I was a preteen, my Dad was in the hospital a lot and I had a cousin who work in Labor and Delivery. When I entered college, I was a pre-med student hoping to focus on either pediatrics or obstetrics. I very quickly realized I didn’t like the competitive nature.  Just a few short years later, I became pregnant. This was before the days of the internet and I really wanted to have a homebirth, but had absolutely no idea how to go about it. I ended up with a very traditional hospital birth – induction, epidural, episiotomy – even though I had expressed my desire for a natural birth to my doctor, and I was not happy.  Thus began my serious quest to discover a different way to have a baby.

BPP: If you could correct one common misperception about midwifery, what would it be?
LF: Midwives are highly skilled and highly educated people. We work very hard to become midwives and we work very hard in our job. I think many people in the medical profession don’t believe there is standardized training for midwives. Having a CPM certification – Certified Professional Midwife – is the equivalent to an advanced degree like a masters or a PhD.

Laurie and her sons.

Laurie and her sons.

BPP: Since there are many, would you correct another misperception?
LF: I also don’t think people realize that being a midwife is a specific lifestyle. We are on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If we want to take a vacation, it requires planning a year in advance. This is a life of service and devotion. We get up at all hours of the night, in any weather, no matter how we feel to attend our clients. We miss birthdays, anniversaries, concerts, plays, games, recitals and quiet time with our families. We live with our phones, we are always accessible – we live and breathe midwifery. When a woman is a midwife, her entire family participates. We don’t complain because we all feel called to this profession.

BPP: In your opinion, what are a few top advantages to having a home birth instead of a hospital birth?
LF: I think the biggest advantage is that the woman gets to experience birth in the way Nature or God intended. Labor begins spontaneously, travels the course that is best for both mom and baby, and both are given the space to greet each other in a quiet, loving way. This sounds simple, but it is profoundly huge.  If a woman is willing to face her fear, willing to face the pain, willing to face the uncertainty, she will be greatly and richly rewarded.

BPP: There seems to be a big divide between proponents of hospital births and home births.  What do you believe could help close that gap?
LF: I believe that it is very important to respect each other’s approach. I always learn when I am in the
hospital – I learn from the nurses and the doctors. But the nurses and the doctors could learn so much from us too.  Midwives are experts in birth.  Nurses and doctors know managed birth, but many of them have never sat with a woman through the whole process, letting labor unfold without ANY intervention – from beginning to end.

BPP: How can parenting partners best support moms during the birth process?
LF: One of the most important things a partner can do is to tune into the needs of the laboring mom. The mom will intuitively know the position to be in, how to breathe and what she needs to do to get the baby out. If the partner can help her to tune into that intuition, that is the best support she can have.  Supporting the mom isn’t about breathing techniques or positions of labor – although knowledge of those things can be helpful.  Giving birth and supporting the mom is about being with the process and letting the process unfold.

BPP: What part of witnessing the birth process moves you every time?
LF: There is always a palpable moment of surrender where the woman goes from some degree of resisting the force of labor to just acceptance. It is profoundly moving to witness this.

BPP: What are the best resources (videos, books, etc) that expectant parents could reference for education on having a home birth?
LF: One of my favorite videos is called Birth Day. It is a short video of a midwife in Mexico giving birth to her third baby.  You can see that she is working hard and she is so real about it. She noticed that when she was moving towards her husband during a contraction she felt less pain, but when she was moving away from him during a contraction she felt more pain. The labor process is an oxytocin experience. Oxytocin is the hormone of love and bonding, so this video clearly shows how important love is during a birth.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?
LF: A baby is going to cry. If you are at the end of your rope, give the baby to your partner – trust that your partner can totally take of it – and go for a walk around the block. You will feel like a new person, ready to face the crying baby.  The other thing I think is so important is sleeping with the baby. You can nurse and sleep at the same time.

BPP: Of all the births you’ve attended, which mom was the most amazing? (don’t answer that) :+)
LF: It is hard to say which ones are the most amazing. Each woman’s journey is so different, even though the framework of giving birth is the same. A woman who comes out the other end, seeing herself a little more deeply and who can take her experience and transform it into a force of love in this world is amazing.  Each birth has that potential.

More about Laurie, midwifery and homebirth at HoneyDue Homebirth. ♥

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