pregnancy | baby proofed parents

Four Births :: Monday Musing

January 19, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

This week’s Muse features a guest writer and friend, Phyllis Brasenell. Phyllis is a DONA certified birth doula (check out her amazing Wednesday Wisdom piece on being a doula) and the owner of AustinBorn, a center for expecting and new parents. She currently serves as President of the Central Texas Doula Association. Baby Proofed Parents and Austin Born just formed a beautiful new partnership, and we’re so proud to promote their awesome services in the Austin birth community. Stay tuned for some amazing Baby Proofed/Austin Born workshops and collaborations coming up in the very near future, and thank you, Phyllis, for sharing your insightful writing with us!

Four Births

I still remember the very first birth I supported as a doula. It was my client’s fifth baby; we had a wonderful midwife attending, no interventions involved and we all made it home in time for dinner on that Friday afternoon. Pretty unheard of in the unpredictable world of birth, so I counted myself very lucky.

In the past couple years since that day, I’ve supported many dozens of births and very few of them as straightforward as that first. In my work, I’ve been invited into a woman’s life at one of her most intimate and vulnerable moments because the truth is that becoming a mother is a transformative evolution whether it’s a first baby or a fifth.

It’s a rebirth. Everything is new again. Who are you as mother? How will this role be different than all the others in your life? Seeing a baby take its first breath still leaves me in awe but watching a mother be born is just as powerful. Even if it’s not your first baby you now have a completely new family. At every birth I support, I’m constantly reminded that I’m witnessing four births: the birth of a baby, the birth of a mother, the birth of a father, and the birth of a family.

These births are going to change you and that can feel overwhelming and even scary but I encourage expecting parents to dive in. Look within and listen: What matters to you? What excites you about this new baby and what’s keeping you up at night? There are no wrong answers, friend.

Here’s to Growth and Happiness,

Phyllis Brasenell

Pregnancy and Parenthood – More Alike Than Different :: Monday Musing

November 24, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Experiences in the baby and parenting world are often broken down into prenatal and postpartum. Before baby and after baby. With all of the emphasis on these two states of being, you would think that a new chronological era begins after the birth of your little one. This can feel daunting. The truth is that there are numerous parallels between pregnancy and parenting. I’m going to argue that the prenatal challenges you endure actually prepare your body and mind to raise a little person. Here’s how:

Ten Trillion Decisions: The second that you and your partner see the positive pregnancy test, the joint decisions begin. Hospital or home-birth? Doctor, midwife and/or doula? What baby items do you register for? And on and on… When baby arrives, the choices don’t end, but you’ve had nine months of practicing effective decision-making with your partner. Bring on the the options, you are ready to make whatever decision comes your way.

Reminder: Take one decision at a time. Don’t feel like you have to figure out everything at once. Decisions about sleep-training, discipline styles and day-care can wait! Gather the information, weigh out your options with your partner and make a choice that feels right to both of you. Most of the time, you can change your mind and adjust as you go.

Physical Strains and Discomfort: Everyone knows about the physical effects of pregnancy: morning sickness, heart burn, sleep disturbances. Even dads-to-be often report vicarious symptoms. When you become a new parent and recover from the birth, most of the physical ailments disappear completely. Well… the nipples of breastfeeding moms take a little bit of a beating. And of course sleeping conditions do not improve for awhile. A long while. Fortunately your body is not completely caught off guard by these conditions. You’ve endured a lot. You can cope with these challenges as well, we promise you.

Reminder: Self-care is essential for expectant and new parents. You are going through a lot, but if you take the time to rest when you can and reach out for help when needed, your body will not disappoint you and will rise to the occasion. Just wait, watch and be amazed…

Emotional Highs and Lows: Pregnancy brings with it a tsunami of hormones and emotions. Most women find that they cry more than ever and experience a wild swing in how they’re feeling from moment to moment. Expectant dads are not immune to the roller coaster either. Parenthood brings more feelings with it. Add sleep-deprivation and the vulnerability that comes a long with a new baby into the mix, and the emotions run rampant. You might find yourself feeling both ecstatic and exasperated, all at once.

Reminder: If you’ve been a person who has always tucked your feelings in tight, the roller coaster of emotions might feel overwhelming. See this as an opportunity to let down your walls and release your inner drama queen. Emotions are healthy and normal and you are about to experience a lot of them. Releasing and expressing your feelings will help you to be a better parent. Of course, as we’ve said many times before, if your emotions seem insurmountable it might be time to reach out to your doctor or a trained counselor and get some help. Please don’t hesitate if this is the case.

Breathe and Let Go: If you pop in on a childbirth class, you’ll hear a lot about deep-breathing, staying focused, thinking positively and relaxing. If you can remember to use these skills and techniques, they’ll help you through your labor and delivery. What the childbirth instructor often forgets to mention is that these same skills will be handy for the next 18 years! Parenting can be a wild ride – remembering to inhale, smile and relax will help you to weather the many challenges that come your way.

Reminder: Even if you learn and practice these relaxation skills, you might forget to use them when you need them the most. This is when your parenting partnership will come in handy. When you see your partner feeling overwhelmed, give them a hug, remind them to breathe, share a few encouraging words and offer to take over for a while. You two have practiced some serious skills – you can do this.

Pregnancy and parenthood are two parts of one amazing journey. If you and your partner have tackled a pregnancy together, you will already have many of the skills you need to raise a child. Pull from the strength and knowledge you have already gained and get ready to rock as a parent. We know you will be amazing.

Here’s to Strength and Similarities,

Kirsten

Why Am I Crying? :: Monday Musing

October 28, 2014 By: babyproofedparents6 Comments

A few days ago, I opened up one of those “iPhone auto-correct text mishaps” posts on the Internet, and within seconds, I was laughing so hard, I had tears running down my face. Real, wet-my-cheeks tears. This sensation of crying – without understanding what the heck I was crying about – immediately brought me back to my days of pregnancy and new motherhood. Looking back, I probably could have filled a salt-water aquarium with all of the prenatal and postpartum tears I shed.

Prior to having pregnancy hormones coursing through my body, I rarely cried in front of others. I actually took pride in the fact that I maintained a rather poker-faced exterior. My husband affectionately nicknamed me the Ice Princess (this was pre-Elsa, mind you) because the saddest, most sentimental movie couldn’t get me to tear up. The Notebook had nothing on me. I maintained this silly determination to stay dry-eyed.

All bets were off after I became pregnant. You only had to give me a sappy American Idol episode, a baby food commercial, or a mention of pregnancy from a passing stranger and I was immediately boo-hooing. When my baby arrived, the crying increased. I experienced tears of astonishment and joy as I stared at the amazing little creature in my arms. Tears over how damn hard a natural thing like breastfeeding seemed to be. Tears because I was sleep-deprived and, let’s face it, a little delirious. Happy and sad and exhausted tears. Not to mention the tears frequently coming from my newborn’s little eyes. We went from a quiet, stoic house to a home of sniffles and Kleenex.

So what was all this crying about? It turns out that the extremely small, almond-sized hypothalamus, which is at the core of our reptilian brain, can’t really tell the difference between being happy, sad, overwhelmed or stressed. It just knows when it is getting a strong, emotional signal and in turn, triggers our parasympathetic system, which then triggers our tear ducts. If you think about the times when you are crying, it is usually when you are having an overwhelmingly strong emotion. The tears almost act as an overflow valve, releasing some of your emotional tension and allowing your body to rest and reset. Add hormones and sleep-deprivation to already intense emotions, and the flood gates are open for business.

From a psychological and social perspective, the researcher, Dr. Oren Hasson argues that the act of crying demonstrates vulnerability. It helps people to trust and feel sympathy for you. Crying also communicates that you crave attachment. Hmmm…. I think he just perfectly described the needs of new parents and babies, don’t you?

For me, becoming a parent kicked my parasympathetic system into high gear… and it never turned off. Despite my pregnancy hormones being long gone and my kids growing older, I am still easily brought to tears, and I don’t try to hide them now. Vulnerability is currently my middle name. Our children get to cry openly and loudly. We should allow ourselves to let it go as well, whether we are laughing hysterically, feeling deeply touched or just plain sad. Crying is innately human and nothing to be ashamed of. When you are an expectant or new parent you might find yourself doing a lot of it. Just think of it as a pressure valve that is allowing you to release some steam and heaviness, calm your body and then move forward.

If you’re looking for a release right now, check out that humor post I was talking about, 35 of the Most Concerning Auto-Correct Fails of All Time. Be Warned: May contain 7th-grade-boy-level laughs, profanity, and just possibly, a few tears.

Here’s to Sanity and Kleenex,

Kirsten

The Acupuncturist :: Wednesday Wisdom

October 15, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet Jean Busch. Jean is the owner of Kingwood Acupuncture in Kingwood, Texas. Her acupuncture practice has been thriving for 16 years, because she’s so passionate about health and balance, and it shows. Jean worked as a nurse in the hospital setting (ICU/CCU, Medical/Surgery, OB/GYN and Neonatal ICU) for over 20 years before being introduced to Chinese Medicine. She describes her discovery of acupuncture as “life changing,” and has gone on to do amazing things for many, many people… myself included.

Every woman who’s struggled with infertility and then become pregnant has her theory about what made it happen. No two stories seem to be exactly alike. Part of what I personally believe got me pregnant was an acupuncture treatment with Jean. I was venting to her about my frustration, how I felt like I was doing everything I was “supposed” to, and it was getting rough to feel that high and then sinking disappointment month after month. She told me she believed that I was very healthy and fertile, but that my body might just need a “nudge” in the right direction. Jean’s treatment was incredible. I’d never had acupuncture before, and during the session, I felt completely relaxed and as though I was levitating. After, I felt like I’d had a 2 hour full body massage… so, obviously no harm there. Plus, I was pregnant within a month. – C

BPP: Your history is rooted in nursing. What drew you to study and practice acupuncture?
JL: Honestly, I was always disillusioned by western medicine. I was passionate about caring for people, but frustrated and confused about the methods used for chronic illnesses. Having acupuncture myself and for my family and seeing first hand the natural and almost miraculous benefits it provided, showed me that I could use my passion in a way that was totally natural and yet extremely powerful.

BPP: What are some ways acupuncture treatments can help women who are struggling with fertility?
JL: Fertility and all other OB/GYN issues are my favorite things to treat. It doesn’t matter if it’s for a13 year old with menstrual pain, a woman with menopausal imbalances, or someone having a problem getting pregnant, I can honestly say that acupuncture and Chinese medicine have never failed. Maybe it’s because being a woman myself, I know that we experience problems that are so easily treatable by alternative medicine like acupuncture.

BPP: What are some ways acupuncture treatments can help women during pregnancy and after birth?
JL: Chinese Medicine works because it views the human being in a totally different way than allopathic medicine. It sees us as a whole being, not separating mind, body, and spirit. That said, it can diagnose and treat issues based on that perspective. The body is simply assisted to return to a healthy balanced state, it “reminds” it of what it knows to do naturally and on its own. So, for pregnancy, birth and postpartum, acupuncture gently corrects the imbalance and allows the intelligence of our bodies to do what it already knows to do with ease.

BPP: What general health improvements do you find yourself recommending to women over and over?
JL: It probably is the most disappointing advice that I give all my clientele, and that is to eat really healthy foods. That sounds simple, however, our perspective of what constitutes “healthy” can be very different. The medicine of Chinese medicine IS our food, so to speak. Basically, we truly are what we eat. Also, as balanced a lifestyle as we can have. This is a challenge in our hectic lives! It’s a process, but forming habits like yoga, meditation, walking, or whatever we enjoy will help us feel better and better about ourselves.

BPP: What myths about acupuncture do you often find yourself dispelling?
JL: The most common “myth” about acupuncture, to me, is that it’s “just sticking a few needles in some random areas of the body.” Most people don’t realize that it is a Medicine in and of itself. The profession is highly regulated in most states. In Texas, it takes a Masters degree in Oriental Medicine, which takes four full years followed by a national board exam to be a licensed acupuncturist. It is a complex system of understanding the body in a totally different way that we do in western medicine.

BPP: What thoughts do you have on acupuncture for babies and children?
JL: I’ve treated children as young as four years old with acupuncture. It really depends on the child, most are more curious than frightened. We only use a small number of needles in children and use the tiniest little needles. On children younger than that we can use a technique with small silver or gold “pellets” on the acupuncture points. This is actually an extremely effective method and can be used on adults as well. Kids are GREAT! They are so fun, and because they can tell they feel so much better they will ask to come back for more treatments!

BPP: Your practice involves more than needles. What other techniques/treatments do you use for women?
JL: Acupuncture uses very fine needles to tap into the bio electrical energy, called “Qi”, of our bodies to remind it how to return to a balance state of health. That said, I use the needles as my main form of treatment. However, Chinese herbs, diet, and various supplements are an integral part of most acupuncturist regime along with the needles. I also stay with the client and do a form of “healing touch” called medical Qi Gong. This, I would say, is my specialty and believe that it is a powerful tool that eventuates the treatment greatly. Most acupuncturists will develop their own individual “spin” on their treatments as they see what works best for their patients over the years.

BPP: Many moms struggle to incorporate self-care, including acupuncture, massage and therapy treatments. What advice do you have for them?
JL: This is such an important question! How do we, as busy moms, fit in self care?? This is what I continue to learn myself and encourage other women to realize: “Taking care of ourselves is the number one priority!” Our families and the people around us will be healthier and appreciate us more for being happy, healthy and calm ourselves. It is not helpful when we are running around exhausted, frazzled and irritable because we are trying to do everything for everyone else but don’t take the time to take care of ourselves.

BPP: If you could give one sanity saving tip to new parents, what would it be?
JL: The above answer fits this question as well. I also, think that talking with others, sharing our experiences, fears and frustrations is extremely helpful. I am not a psychologist, but I allow my clients to express their feelings and listen with an open mind and heart, which is very therapeutic.
It may sound trite, but I believe that being in a space of an open heart and a loving, nonjudgmental spirit, is the key to finding peace within ourselves and others…allowing our children and others to just be who they are without trying to make them what we judge to be “right”. It will take a huge load off of our shoulders to grasp the concept that we are not the CEOs of the universe, it’s not our job to control our children or others. Our job is to gently care for the general well-being of them, honoring their individual uniqueness.

Thank you Jean, for sharing your beautiful philosophy on holistic health. Your compassion, openness and skills are such amazing gifts!

C&K ♥

Unmet Expectations – 3 Ways to Cope with Parenting Disappointments :: Tuesday Tip

August 26, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

A lot of moms and partners experience some sort of let down during pregnancy, birth and the first few months with their newborns. Maybe you hoped to have a girl, and felt a twinge when you got the ultrasound results. Maybe breastfeeding was insanely difficult, and you had to switch to formula sooner than you’d planned. Maybe you went in ready for a vaginal delivery, and ended up having a c-section. Maybe you thought your newborn would be a sleeping angel, but he turned out to be a very active night owl. Even the most flexible people have at least a vague idea of how they’d like things to go, and when those hopes and expectations aren’t met, it’s very normal to feel at least a little sad and/or angry. Although we’re usually pretty good at normalizing other people’s struggles, many of us experience guilt when it’s our turn to face our own version of disappointment.

Disappointment, when it’s left bottled up, can make you more susceptible to depression and/or anxiety, so it’s very important to acknowledge it. A common reframe we use in Therapy World is this: “What would you say to a friend who was experiencing the same thing?” Almost always, the answer is some version of this: “I’d tell them I’m sorry it happened that way. I’d hug them and tell them it’s okay to be sad.” I never hear, “What’s wrong with you? Get a grip! What do you have to be upset about?” It feels terrible to even write words like that – I can’t imagine saying them to someone. Yet, somehow, it’s very easy to say to myself when I’m going through difficult emotions.

Here are some strategies for airing out the inevitable changes in your best laid plans, for any stage of parenting:

Prepare as much as you can mentally for the reality that not everything will go according to plan. Try to “hold on loosely” to your visions of pregnancy, birth and the postpartum months.
Let it flow. If you notice anger or sadness welling up over unmet expectations, allow yourself a good cry, an intense journal entry, or a venting session with a trusted friend or therapist.
Once you’ve allowed yourself to feel your feelings, use gentle methods to redirect yourself and assimilate the change. Instead of saying, “Snap out of it!”, try reflecting on something positive. My midwife used to remind me that “chaos creates new flow,” and I still grab for that phrase when I’m going through a change in plans.

Here’s To Sanity and Flow,

Cheryl

How Infertility Prepared Me for Parenthood :: Monday Musing

May 12, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

It took me a long time to get pregnant. Approximately four years, from the time I first thought, Hmmm. I might be ready for a baby, to the morning I saw those two pink lines miraculously show up on the pregnancy test.

It was a journey that began gradually and naively for my husband and me; I simply tossed the rectangular box of tiny white pills in the trash one day and confidently waited for my body to do its thing. As the months and years passed, and no pregnancy appeared, my yearning grew stronger. I consulted with acupuncturists, fertility specialists and the most vociferous expert of all, The Internet. In the end, I can’t really tell you the exact combination of diet changes and fertility magic that caused us to conceive a child. What I can say is that those four years of infertility prepared me for the Adventure of Parenthood in six very specific ways:

1. The best laid plans…
When my husband and I first gave ourselves the green light to get pregnant it was because the “timing was right”. We lived in a great neighborhood, we were established in our careers and we had individually attended enough Margarita Parties to satisfy a lifetime quota of tequila. My hubby was quite a bit older than me, and we were both ready to settle down and do the family thing. We had no idea that this “thing” would take four years and that it didn’t matter how “ready” we were. Our bodies would cooperate in their own time.

Parenting App: How many times do parents plan out the perfect day, only to be foiled by a runny nose, sore throat or volcanic tantrum? When you’re a parent, it is wise to mark the calendar, make the plans, but be prepared to break them and go with the flow at a moment’s notice.

2. You’re surrounded.
Have you ever purchased a new car and suddenly you start noticing the same make and model everywhere you go? That is what it is like when you are trying to get pregnant. There are friggin’ babies everywhere. Women pregnant with babies. Men holding babies. Parents loving on their babies (with little angels and birdies surrounding them). It feels like the entire universe is sticking out its tongue and taunting, “Nah, nah, nah, nah… you aren’t pregnant.” Even your co-worker’s cousin’s wife is expecting… and you aren’t. I gradually learned to tune out the baby-white-noise, and reassure myself that it would happen in its own time. After all, I reminded myself, I am defined by much more than my desire to conceive.

Parenting App: After you have a little one, you will continue to find yourself surrounded by other parents and their cherubic babes. Resist the urge to make comparisons (i.e. whether your baby is snoozing, walking or talking at the same rate as the others). Every child’s journey is unique and the comparisons are fruitless. They all tend to catch up to each other in the end.

3. Everyone is an expert.
Most of the people who knew I was trying to get pregnant had well-intentioned words of wisdom to share. They had heard of a specialist who could help. They knew something I should cut out from my diet. They had struggled with infertility themselves and they just felt sure it was going to happen for me. I regretted telling so many people that we were trying. Can’t we just go back to discussing my awesome new wedges or the great movie we saw last weekend? I had to learn to take their advice gracefully and then remind myself that my body is unique and I know it better than anyone else.

Parenting App: If you think everyone has opinions about fertility, just wait until you have a baby. Have child in arms, and everyone loves to give their child-rearing advice. As Cheryl advises in Pimp My Self Care, absorb the pointers that feel like a fit and then custom design your own parenting protocols.

4. It’s never going to happen.
During the four years that my husband and I were trying, I swear that I funded an entire pregnancy test industry. I bought them in bulk and I grew to despise them. Peeing on a stick was unpleasant enough, but seeing that I was not pregnant, yet again, was devastating. I felt all hope and belief that I was going to be a mother slipping away. Looking back, I now recognize that the creeping pessimism was unfounded. There was so much more that my husband and I could have done to have a child: fertility treatments, surrogacy, adoption. Yes, I would have grieved if I couldn’t conceive naturally, but the options were endless if I truly wanted to be a parent.

Parenting App: When you are raising babies, the word “never” will sneak in frequently: I’ll never get a full night’s sleep again. He’ll never go a day without an accident. We’ll never get through a week without vomit or snot or pee. Those ‘nevers’ can feel daunting. I promise you that the nevers transition into sometimes and then into always. Keep your eye on the prize – it’s right around the corner.

5. Chill out.
OK, I have to skip back to #3 on this one. One of the most popular bits of advice I received when I was trying to conceive was, “Just relax. You’ll get pregnant when you aren’t worrying about it.” I hate to admit it (and I HATED this advice) but they were right. When I began enjoying my life again… dancing, frolicking, partying like it’s 1999, it happened. I saw those two lines on that little test and could hardly believe my eyes. Yes, I had taken other measures: cut out sugar and dairy, started natural progesterone cream, endured a diagnostic procedure that painfully blasted blue ink through my fallopian tubes. But I feel sure that chilling out a little and tuning into other segments of my life helped my body to ease into motherhood.

Parenting App: It is natural to feel uptight and want to do everything just right when you are a parent. When you loosen your grip and recognize that your children benefit from variety and imperfections, both you and your kids will enjoy life a little more.

6. Love, love, love…
I’m channeling the Beatles here. But I couldn’t have said it any better myself. At the end of any infertility journey is a leap from a high-dive platform into pure, unadulterated love. I have friends who have had unexpected pregnancies, friends who have undergone extensive fertility treatments, and friends who have ultimately adopted. And when we gather together with our kids, there is no sliver of a difference in the love that each of us feel for our children.

Worth the four year wait.

If your desire to become a parent is strong enough, you will find a way to make it happen. And when you do, you will feel the most unrelinquishing love (and sometimes unrelinquishing fatigue and frustration) that you have ever experienced in your life. Everyone’s path to parenthood is unique but in the end, you get to hold a beautiful child, and the journey that brought you to that place will make the most perfect sense.

Here’s to Margarita Parties and Love,

Kirsten

Are You Strong Enough? :: Sunday Sanity

February 1, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Yes. Yes. Yes.

My first pregnancy was blissful, until I developed a weird rash on the right side of my belly a week before my due date. At first I thought it was a spider bite, and went straight to a local walk-in clinic. The doc took one look and said, “Staph.” He prescribed one of the few antibiotics safe for pregnancy, and gave me a very stern talking to about the risks of my baby being exposed to the infection. I left my bliss in his office. All of my confidence drained out, replaced by fear. Visions of cuddling skin-to-skin with my sweet new born morphed into visions of protecting her from certain infection, switching soft blankets for a body condom… my anxiety went through the roof.

After a few days, the antibiotics didn’t diminish the rash, and I made an appointment with my dermatologist. I love her. She is smart, quirky and wears wicked-cool glasses. I lifted my shirt and dumped out my fears, which, as it turns out, had very little to do with the rash. My fears were about the gravity of what was about to happen to my body, to my marriage, to my identity, to my life. Who was I kidding? I couldn’t do this. She smiled at me, and looking me right in the eyes, said, “You are so strong. You’re going to be just fine.”

Sweet relief. I walked out of there with a diagnosis of contact dermatitis, a sample of cream that cleared it up completely, and a renewed sense of strength that can only come from the words of another strong woman who has been there. Her voice made all the difference.

I was unburdened. A few nights later, I gave birth to my daughter. Looking back, I am amazed at how penetrating these two experiences were. I saw myself as a force, and my standard motto for most things, including birth, was “bring it ON.” It startled me when the first doctor’s fear-based approach obliterated my confidence, and days later the simple words of encouragement from my dermatologist restored it completely. To be a parent, you have to be a bit insane, and a bit stable. And since you’re in a constant state of change and flux, you’re naturally more susceptible to the feedback around you. The messages you expose yourself to during your preparation for the arrival of a baby can make a huge difference in your ability to access your strength.

When I recall the moments in my life when I felt the strongest and most resourceful, it was at the births of my two children. Other things that feel challenging wither when I compare them to that power. That you are even contemplating taking on responsibility for a life means that you are innately strong and capable. Remember that no matter what your birth story winds up being or was, you made a person, you brought or are about to bring a person out into the world, or you’ve chosen to adopt a baby and add a sweet life to your family. Nothing can diminish this, absolutely nothing. You are strong. You can do this. And if you already did this, DAMN. You did this.

BPP Sanity Savers:

Be mindful of the way you talk to yourself while preparing for your baby. Be gentle and encouraging.
Surround yourself with positive friends and family members who bring out the best in you.
Remember that your strength transcends the arrival of your baby – it is always with you.

Here’s to Strength and Sanity,

Cheryl