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Cut The Crap – Purging 3 Ineffective Communication Strategies :: Tuesday Tip

June 3, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Our brains can feel quite cluttered.  Purging the things that are no longer useful opens space for new ideas, approaches and behaviors.  Consider healthy eating plans.  Many of them start by omitting things like sugar, processed foods and caffeine (which makes me so, so sad). After detoxing, you start to feel better, have more energy, and can build by adding more  greens, lean protein and whole foods.

The same principle works in relationships.  I’ve worked with a lot of clients on breaking old patterns and being more intentional when dating. When I ask, “What qualities are you looking for?” many people draw a complete blank.  So, I redirect with, “What do you want to avoid?”  This primes the pump.  “No commitment issues.  No drug use.  No habit of softly whistling show tunes while I’m talking to him.”  (That last one was personal.)  Sometimes getting to what we do want requires strong clarity about what we don’t want, and moving it out of our way.

Therapists are always preaching about improving communication with our partners.  We all want to be more in sync, but managing conflict and getting our meaning across can feel impossible, especially amidst the added craziness of raising kids.  Before tackling the arts of “I” Statements and Active Listening, open up some space by purging these three communication habits.

1. Transactional Statements.  Instead of asking for what you want with clear language, transactional statements or questions are attempts to Jedi your partner into doing your bidding.  You throw out a complaint or vague query, then wait for him to connect the dots, intuit your want and leap into action.  This  habit stems from self-esteem issues.  Deep down, we question our right to even have preferences and needs, let alone express them.  This drives our use of elaborate, sneaky ways for getting our needs met, which usually backfire.

Instead of this:  “It’s soooo hot in here.  Aren’t you hot?!”
Try this:  “I’m burning up, and have my hands full with the baby.  Will you please lower the temperature?”

2.  Globalizing.  Any negative feedback you give your partner starting with “you always,” or “you never,” is destined to bounce off a wall of defensiveness and come back to smack you in the face.  Making generalizations about another person is a terrible motivator for change.  This habit stems from high stress levels, which can distort your perception of the frequency/lack of the behavior.  Globalizing causes her to feel invalidated, vilified and guarded.

Instead of this:  “You never appreciate what I do for you.  You always focus on what I’ve done wrong.”
Try this:  “When you forget to say ‘thank you,’ I feel unappreciated.  I love it when you compliment and tell me you value what I do.”

stern_baby

3.  Baby Talk.  Using goo-goo/gah-gah or feigned foreign accents is another strategy for fishing to get your needs met while keeping your true desires covert.  Because, if you’re denied, hey, it wasn’t really you who asked anyway, it was that faux-British, adult-sized infant.  No harm no foul!  This habit stems from a fear of rejection, and is most commonly used when initiating sex, which can feel like one of the riskiest wants to communicate.

Instead of this:  “Will you pwease wub my backy-back?”
Try this:  “I want you to administer your technique.  Right.  Now.”  That’s more of a command.  But maybe that’s just fine.
Try this again: “Will you please give me one of your amazing back rubs?”

Do these tips seem impossible to implement?  Are you and your partner caught in a Transactionally Globalized Baby-Talking Labyrinth from which you can see no escape?  This could mean there’s some deeper emotional work to do.  Reach out for help if you need to – the payoff for stronger, clearer communication is so worth it.

Here’s to Sanity and Brits,

Cheryl

Improving communication strategies

Playing With Fire – Relationship Damage Control :: Monday Musing

May 26, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

My ex-husband J and I are both therapists.  We used to joke that we met in group therapy, because we were both taking a graduate class on the subject when we started dating.  When people hear this, they often laugh nervously and ask, “So… do you two sit around and analyze each other?”  Naturally.  While being married to another therapist had its intense moments, one benefit was finally figuring out what was happening to us during conflict, and learning from our destructive patterns.  We had the same fight, on repeat, with slight detail fluctuations.  The root of it was our difficulty trusting that we were completely emotionally safe with each other.

J and I both had our share of crappy relationships.  We entered our marriage with some baggage, which got triggered almost every time we fought.  When we had intense conflict, my irrational fear was, “He doesn’t really care about my feelings, and is on his way out.”  His was, “She doesn’t respect me, and she is purposefully trying to hurt me.”  When you make these kinds of assumptions emotionally, your thoughts and reactions (body language, words and tone of voice) follow, and the storm swells.  Forget about what started the argument.  Whose turn it was to diaper the baby, do the dishes, or make the grocery run no longer matters.  You are on the defense and incapable of rational thought, and whatever root fuels your arguments will be driving.

Before I proceed, can we agree on something?  Aside from keeping them alive, the best gift you can give your children is your personal sanity, and if you have a partner, an example of a mutually respectful, loving relationship.  Here are some thoughts on how to do that.

Work on Fire Prevention.  Psychotherapist Kelly McDaniel says that in healthy relationships, partners recognize that their union is, in part, for the purpose of healing.  This is beautiful.  It involves understanding how your past experiences and pain influence your expectations and behavior in your current relationships.  Safe, healthy relationships give you the space to air out the baggage, and support each other in moving on, so you can fully enjoy the goodness right in front of you.  I like the assumption that your junk from the past will come up, but with mutual love and support, you can help each other evolve.

Practicing kindness toward each other is a great way to convey love and prevent intense conflict.  Here are two takes on kindness that stick with and recenter me:

  1. Carl Sagan described a way to categorize all of our choices, actions and reactions – they can either further compassion, or further aggression. That’s pretty clear.
  2. In his book The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman encourages couples to treat each other with the same kindness and respect they would an honored guest in their home.  In this scenario, little room remains for bitter sarcasm, snapping or cheap shots.

Healthy conflict resolution

Create a Fire Escape.  So, that’s all lovely.  But the truth is, we’re human, and in certain circumstances (such as those brought on by the sweet chaos of a new baby) we possess the emotional intelligence of, I don’t know, squirrels?  They’re nuts.  Sometimes I have an old man sense of humor.   Couples find themselves at a fever pitch in fights, and after receiving and inflicting pretty serious verbal wounds, drag themselves into my office.  I’ve been there too.  If your house is on fire, you don’t stand in the heat and smoke and try to resolve “issues.”  You just get the hell out.  Later, when it’s safe, you can go back in and figure out how to repair.  Here’s where the need for a Fire Escape comes in:  in an intense fight, recognize it’s time to take a cool down, and give each other physical/emotional space until you’re ready to rationally resolve the issue.

Plan the terms of your fire escape when you’re calm, not during an argument.  It can take many different forms.  Sometimes simply going into separate rooms and focusing on slowing down your breathing for a few minutes is all it takes.  For J and I, when either of us sensed we were losing our grip, we’d call a time out.  He would go outside, and I would stay inside, giving him space to cool off, reminding myself that we’d eventually work it out.  This time apart can be excruciating, but it’s better than saying things you can’t take back.  Remember that you both want resolution and to feel close again, but you need a moment to cool down if that’s to happen without damage.  If you take a breather and still don’t feel ready to reconnect, like Kirsten says, it’s okay to go to bed angry and try again after some sleep.

Even if the dynamic in your relationship changes through separation or divorce, it’s never too late to improve your communication and esteem for each other (more advice on this from an awesome single dad we know, Terry Cox.)  J is still one of my best friends, even though we went through a painful split.  We work hard to put our egos aside and show respect for each other, giving our kids a healthy, loving friendship between their parents.  We’re not perfect and get it very wrong sometimes, but conflict recovery is easier when we remind ourselves that we’re in good, safe hands with each other.  I hope you have that peace of mind in your relationships, because you deserve it.  Anyone who would tell you otherwise can eff off.

Here’s to Sanity and Squirrels,

Cheryl

Cheryl Sipkowski, MS, LPC

 

Why Can’t I Get Just One Kiss? :: Tuesday Tip

April 7, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Fizgig

After the transformative experience of adding a new life to your family, it’s fascinating how comfortable you can become with this little being attached to you, at all times.  Many parents feel weird the first time they leave home without their baby – it’s as if they’re walking around missing an appendage.  During the first week of her life, there was a moment when I realized I’d been holding, breast feeding or lying next to our daughter for 12 solid hours.  I walked onto our back porch to get a breather, and our cat made a dash for me, meowing for attention.  I snuggled with her, but realized the LAST thing I wanted was to touch or be touched by another living creature.  I thrive on affection, so feeling saturated to that level was monumental for me.  It hadn’t occurred to me until then how good a break could feel, to just be alone in my own skin.

Translate this to my relationship with her father, J.  Affection was huge for us, and if we were in arm’s reach of each other, we were usually connected physically, even if it was just sitting close enough for our legs to touch. During those early weeks with our daughter, it was as if we just forgot.  One of us was constantly attending to her, and touching each other only occurred by accident when passing her back and forth.  One afternoon while she slept, we sat down on the couch to catch up, and I scooted close to him for a hug.  Woah!  We simultaneously realized how much time had passed since we’d last intentionally touched each other, and how much we’d missed it.

It’s normal to feel the need for space.  You are experiencing constant skin-on-skin contact with a baby who needs you to survive.  To keep balance, you need moments of separation and autonomy, but remember that another part of your balance is a healthy relationship with your partner.  Make an effort to touch each other as often as you can, even if it’s just a quick hug or shoulder rub.  (An aside, to those couples for whom eye contact equals kissing equals sex, and sometimes the kissing part gets skipped, those early weeks are a different challenge since most medical professionals sanction sex for new moms until 6 weeks after giving birth. Perhaps this could be a fun exercise in restraint?  Or for those of you who really don’t dig affection, substitute what does feel good and connecting, like words of affirmation or quality time.)  Physical contact, even if slight, can help you feel closer through those insane early weeks, giving you both more peace of mind, which will benefit your baby immensely.

BPP Sanity Savers:

  1. As a parent, it’s normal to feel moments of, “Get off me!  Everyone!  Just get off me!!!”  Allow yourself guilt-free alone time to recharge.
  2. Remember that your relationship with your partner will also thrive with constant maintenance.  Go out of your way to give physical affection to each other.
  3. Make time for openness with your partner about what feels good physically and how you’d like to be touched.  Having a baby impacts hormones, sleep and emotions, which can cause your needs and preferences to dramatically flux.  Frequent communication can help you keep up with each other and stay connected.

Here’s To Sanity and Hugs,

Cheryl

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Strengthening Relationships with Harville Hendrix :: Saturday Share

March 21, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

rain_couple

Have you ever wondered what exactly creates chemistry between two people? Or why the characteristics that drew you to a particular person might be the very same traits that drive you crazy later? Perhaps you’ve pondered why being in a relationship can feel like a whole heck of a lot of work at times.

Yes? Well, you might want to check out the book, Getting the Love You Want by Dr. Harville Hendrix. We’re featuring Dr. Hendrix as today’s Saturday Share because strengthening relationships is a BPP focus, and Mr. Hendrix eats, sleeps and breathes relationships.

Getting the Love You Want has been around since the 1980’s and continues to hang out on the best sellers list because it is just that good. It is the classic that keeps on giving. After going through a divorce himself, Dr. Hendrix set out to discover just what brings couples together and then what tears them apart. In the process, he created Imago theory, a road map to understanding why we choose the partners we do, why we tend to repeat patterns in relationships, and why we inevitably encounter conflict. The cool thing about the book? Hendrix devotes the entire second half to suggestions and exercises designed to help couples work through their struggles and create a stronger bond.

Dr. Harville Hendrix

Dr. Harville Hendrix

If you are an expectant or current parent (which most of our blog followers are), you will find Giving the Love that Heals to be equally informative and helpful. In this parenting guide, Dr. Hendrix and his current wife, Dr. Helen Hunt, explain that parents often feel the most challenged by their children at the developmental stages in which they did not get their own needs met growing up. They argue that a parent’s own wounds and deficits will be healed when they are consciously and mindfully parenting their own children during those challenging times.
Some of the topics explored in Giving the Love that Heals are:

  • Maximizer and Minimizer Parents – the defensive styles that internally shape what we say and how we interact with our children
  • A Parenting Process – A system that helps to end the “cycle of wounding” – the handing-down of wounding we received as children – as we raise our own children
  • Safety, Support and Structure – how to give children what they really need from us
  • Modeling Adulthood – using our healed sense of self as a model for our children

Both of these books are great reads for couples and parents at any stage. And if you don’t have a spare second to pick up a book (which is the case for the majority of new parents!) check out Harville Hendrix’s website for helpful tips and exercises.

Here’s to strength, sanity and really good books!

♥ – C & K

Go to Bed Angry… Once in Awhile :: Tuesday Tip

February 3, 2014 By: babyproofedparents4 Comments

quarreling

Most of us have heard the old adage: Never go to bed angry. In other words, you should always kiss and make up with your partner before your head hits the pillow.

Unfortunately, this is not always realistic for most of us living, breathing humans.

There is another piece of advice that goes something like this: Never initiate an argument or try to work through a disagreement when you are exhausted, hungry, sick, or really grumpy. Chances are that the argument will not get resolved and that it might even get ugly.

When you are pregnant, or a new parent, there will be times you are feeling wiped out, edgy, hormonal, ravenous, or all of those at once. This also applies to men – dads can feel equally tired and drained. Give yourself a quick body check when you and your partner embark on a touchy subject. If your stomach is grumbling or your shoulders are drooping, ask your partner to table the conversation until you can get something to eat or a good night’s sleep.

And then, make sure you agree on a time to pick up where you left off, when you’re both in a better place:

I really want to resolve this with you. Would you mind if we revisited this subject after breakfast tomorrow? I’m beat and I can tell that I might be prone to biting your head off at this moment.   Literally, I might bite your head off…

Chances are that the conversation will take on a whole new shade when you are feeling rested and whole.

Self-care. You are going to be hearing a lot about that in this blog. It is the key to staying sane and strong as a parent and a partner.

BPP Sanity Savers

  1. Scan your body before embarking on a touchy subject with your partner. If exhausted, sick or testy, request a time out and pick up the topic later.
  2. Put aside a few minutes every day to check in with each other. Choose a time when you are most likely to be rested and fed.
  3. Encourage your partner and yourself to take time for self-care (examples: an extra hour of sleep, a hot bath or a 30-minute trip to Target while baby and partner stay home.) Your communication and relationship will benefit!

Here’s to strength and sanity –

Kirsten

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Welcome to BPP, an online resource for maintaining your sanity – before, during and after your baby's arrival. I'm Kirsten Brunner and I'm here to support YOU. Read more...

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