sanity | baby proofed parents

7 Universal Truths of Parenting a Newborn :: Monday Musing

July 6, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

When you have a new baby, you realize a few things: Every birth story is unique. Every newborn has his/her own little personality and individual needs. Each couple goes about the task of parenting in their own customized way. In spite of all of these differences, there are seven truths that almost all new parents will encounter. We list them out here and give you suggestions for dealing with them:

1. You’ll be sleep-deprived for a period of time. Newborns have to eat throughout the night. Sleep patterns don’t get established for several months. Your normal sleep patterns will be disturbed. Suggestions: Take naps and sleep when you can. Take turns getting up with the baby. Remind yourself that things will improve.

2. You will have to work as a team more than ever. A new baby is a two-person job. While one person changes a diaper, the other one can make coffee. While one rests, the other can hold the newborn. Suggestions: View your new infant as a team project. You two can take on this challenge together and you will be stronger as a couple as a result. If you are a single parent, surround yourself with supportive helpers who can give you breaks when needed.

3. There will be a learning curve. Both you and your baby have to figure out how things are going to work. Things won’t go perfectly at first… and every time you get something sorted out, everything will change. Suggestions: Be patient with yourself, your partner and your baby. Don’t expect things to run completely smoothly right off the bat.

4. You and your partner will feel closer than ever at times and more distant than ever at times. Seeing your partner care for an infant is a beautiful thing, and you might find yourself feeling more attracted than ever. On the other hand, a newborn requires a lot of attention, which takes time away from connecting with each other. Suggestions: Connect with each other when you can. A hug. A cuddle on the couch. Remind yourself and your partner that this is all temporary!

5. There will be emotional ups and downs. Hormones, sleep-deprivation, frustration and anxiety can make both parents (but especially mom) feel emotional. This is normal and will get better with time. Suggestions: Let the feelings flow and offer each other comfort and understanding. If feelings of depression or anxiety seem insurmountable, talk to your doctor or a counselor.

6. Your parenting will be influenced by the parenting you received. Your parents were your first role model. Sometimes this creates anxiety if your childhood was less than perfect or if your relationship is strained with your parents. Other times, you might feel confidence and optimism – perhaps you have super fond memories of your childhood. Know that your feelings about parenting, negative or positive, were influenced by your childhood, but that you can mold yourself into the parent you want to be. Suggestions: Decide how you want to do things differently and how you want to do things exactly the same.

7. Things will get easier. They will. As the months and years pass by, you will have more time to yourself and more time with each other. And you will appreciate it more than ever. You will also feel more confident as a parent. Give yourself a high five for becoming a parent! You can do this.

Here’s to Sanity and The Universe,

Kirsten

The Child Sleep Consultant :: Wednesday Wisdom

August 20, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet Lori Strong. She is a Certified Child Sleep Consultant and a Certified Happiest Baby Educator. She is also the founder and owner of Strong Little Sleepers, which was built on the idea that all families need and deserve to get a good night’s sleep. Lori was the first certified child sleep consultant in Austin, Texas and was honored as Best Sleep Expert at the 2013 Austin Birth Awards. Additionally, she is a member of the International Association of Child Sleep Consultants. That’s a lot of sleep credentials! Lori combines her experience as an educator and a parent to offer customized sleep plans and support to families with children ages 0-6 across the country. We are overjoyed to feature Lori’s expertise today because most new parents we know can benefit from some trustworthy sleep advice.

BPP: How did you decide to become a sleep consultant and educator for new parents?

LS: My children were my inspiration! I have an 8 year old son and a 5 year old daughter. I was a teacher before I had kids, so I’ve always been passionate about education. I moved to Austin when I was 34 weeks pregnant and had no family or support system in place right before I had my son. We took classes, but nobody taught me anything about sleep other than to say that “babies sleep a lot”. That advice didn’t help much when my son struggled with sleep and was difficult to soothe. While holding a fussy baby in one arm and reading book after book in the other, I navigated through a ton of information about sleep and put together a plan to help him sleep better. It worked! Before I knew it, I was helping friends and family with their babies and they were all sleeping better too. I realized that so many parents were struggling with sleep and were overwhelmed about where to start in order to make things better. Supporting them made it possible for them to make changes. I decided to become a Certified Child Sleep Consultant because I wanted to take my informal training to a higher level so that I would be prepared to work with all kinds of sleep issues. I love teaching families about how child sleep develops and can be improved, and seeing their families transform when they start to get more sleep.

BPP: What is the age range of children that you consult on?

LS: I work with families who are expecting children through 6 years old. I offer newborn “What to Expect” sleep workshops and Happiest Baby on the Block newborn calming classes to expecting parents and new parents of babies under 4 months. For children over 4 months of age, we are able to begin sleep training if necessary.

BPP: What are the most common sleep issues that parents present to you?

LS: The biggest issues I see are struggles with naps– either they aren’t happening at all or they are very short.

The other main issue I am presented with involves children needing something to put them to sleep, such as rocking or other motion, food, etc… and then they don’t stay asleep. Older children may often come out of their rooms or have difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep without a parent present. There’s such a range of sleep issues depending on the age of the child!

BPP: How do you partner with parents to help them with sleep issues? What does a typical consultation look like?

LS: I offer three levels of support to parents: email, phone, and in-home visits. Each option begins with filling out an intake form. If the parents choose the email support, I communicate through the intake form so we can have a conversation and create a plan through email. The parents then implement recommended changes and use further email as needed to report back to me, ask questions, and celebrate your success. Phone consultations are typically an hour long (Skype is great because we can talk face to face from a distance.) We come up with a plan to help your child sleep better. After our talk, I follow up with a written plan that covers everything we talked about so you can refer to it while making your changes. Once you get started making changes, I support families for two weeks with follow up phone calls and emails. The in-home visit is very similar except that it is a 2-hour consultation in your home, which gives the extra support that comes with meeting someone in person. I also get to meet the children that way, which is one of my favorite parts of the consultation.

BPP: Do you subscribe to any particular infant-sleep philosophies or systems?

LS: I don’t follow one system or method because every child and family is different. I believe that some babies are born as really good sleepers, but some need to be taught how to self-soothe and become strong sleepers. Sleep is a biological need that we all have and the sleep needs of a child are different to those of an adult. I take various aspects of the family into consideration when creating a sleep plan for them which includes sleep environment, temperament of the baby, feedings, timing of sleep, and how the child falls asleep. My plans are very personalized; method is only one part of them.

BPP: What are your thoughts on co-sleeping with an infant?

LS: Controversial question! The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends co-sleeping (sharing a room) with your infant for the first six months of life to help reduce the risk of SIDS. Having a crib or bassinet in the same room as the parents or a co-sleeper attached to the bed are great ways to do this. This can also aid in breastfeeding success. Bed-sharing is not recommended because the SIDS risk is much higher when a baby is placed on a soft mattress with loose bedding and extra people in the bed. My goal is to make sure that when I work with a family, that they are practicing safe sleep. If a family chooses to bed-share, there are precautions that need to be made (just as we take precautions with a safe crib) to ensure the baby will be safe. There are many families that do this and it works well for them. If it is not working for everyone, then I think it’s best to make changes so that the entire family can sleep better. Whether you co-sleep or not, a baby still has certain biological sleep needs that need to be met. That doesn’t change with their sleep location.

BPP: Do you ever advise parents of twins or multiples?

LS: Yes! I’ve worked with many families of multiples. I admire these parents so much because they have super powers! Parents of multiples need to be organized. Keep charts in the bedroom so you can track feedings and sleep for each child. It’s helpful if each parent is responsible for one child at night (if possible). If this isn’t possible, try to employ the help of a relative or friend in those first few months. Scheduling becomes really important for twins because if they are on opposite schedules, your entire day can be spent feeding and trying to get babies to sleep, which is incredibly stressful and exhausting.

BPP: Do you have one suggestion that parents can use right now to help their children sleep better?

LS: An earlier bedtime is a magic bullet. It sounds crazy, but putting your child to sleep earlier will help them sleep longer. This is also true for babies! When children are overtired, they have a harder time falling asleep and staying asleep. If you make an earlier bedtime a priority when trying to improve sleep, your child will begin to get deeper sleep and will eventually sleep longer. This doesn’t mean they will sleep until 10 am, but it really helps in getting them quality sleep. Families always look at me a little funny when I suggest this, but it really does help!

BPP: Do you believe that infants and older children should get a certain number of hours of sleep? Is there a chart that you refer to?

LS: Studies show that children need various hours of sleep during the day and at night depending on their age. I refer to charts by Richard Ferber, the American Academy of Pediatrics, as well as the National Sleep Foundation, but they are suggestions and averages. I focus on the quality of sleep vs. the quantity of sleep when I work with families. If the environment is conducive for a child to sleep and they are given a consistent way to sleep, most children will respond by having healthy sleep habits, will get the necessary sleep they need and will appear to be well-rested and generally happy. I offer a free child sleep expectations guide on my website. You can download it at my website.

BPP: Lastly, do you have any sanity-saving suggestions for parents who are struggling with sleep-deprivation?

LS: Know that you are not alone and that it is possible to make positive changes. I really recommend working with a sleep consultant because chances are, if you’re sleep deprived, you’re too tired to read the books. If you’re looking online for information, you will come up with thousands of articles for and against each other. It can be so daunting and overwhelming and you might want to give up before you even get started. It’s important to understand that it can take some time to see changes, but if you’re consistent, things will really improve.
I also encourage new parents to ask for and accept help! And never trade clean dishes or a clean house for a nap.

For more information about working with Lori or to download a free child sleep expectations guide, visit her website at http://www.stronglittlesleepers.com

We also recommend that you follow Strong Little Sleepers on Facebook and Twitter for sleep tips, news, and giveaways. You can participate in Lori’s bi-weekly Nap Chat Happy Hours – ask a child sleep question and get an answer on the spot, for free!

Thanks again for answering all of our questions, Lori. We wish that we had known you when we were new, sleep-deprived parents!

C & K ♥

Take A Breather :: Tuesday Tip

May 20, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

Cheryl and I perfected the art of “leaning in” long before Sheryl Sanberg coined the phrase. With newborns on our laps, we would lean in real close and pick the brain of any experienced parent we could find, in order to get pointers and advice on how to raise these crying little creatures. Our friend, Mandy, was, and continues to be, a favorite lean-to source for parenting tips and wisdom. (Yes, the same Mandy behind our yummy meatball recipe and the same Mandy whom we will probably refer to 100 times over in this blog.) She was the first in our group of friends to have a baby. But more importantly, she is from Oklahoma… and people from Oklahoma just seem to radiate this rock solid, old-soul kind of vibe. It’s like they have compost running through their veins and wide-open plains occupying their uncluttered minds.

An Oklahoman mom with compost in her veins.

One afternoon while I was soaking up some of Mandy’s earthy wisdom, she began telling me stories about her Grandma Pat who raised five boys and one girl in a small Oklahoma town. “I was visiting with Grandma Pat one day,” Mandy shared, “And I said to her, ‘Grandma… you had six babies by the age of 30. I only have one and my head is spinning! How in the world did you manage?!’”

At this point in the conversation, I leaned in so far, I almost fell over into Mandy’s lap. I just knew that I was about to be on the receiving end of some amazing Oklahoma-bred parenting wisdom. If there had been a legal pad in my diaper bag, I probably would have whipped it out and started jotting down notes. But instead I just leaned forward and listened intently.

Mandy continued with her story, “My grandma replied, ‘Mandy…all these years folks have given me a hard time about my smoking…but I can tell you this…people sometimes lose it with their kids…but I never harmed a one of them.’”

Oh…

Grandma Pat smoked.

Mandy went on to explain that books were also a great escape for her grandma, and that she could still picture her sitting at the kitchen bar, sipping iced tea, absorbed in a great novel. But at this point in the conversation, I was stuck on the cigarette thing. And for the next five minutes, I strongly considered taking up smoking.

After coming to my senses, I realized that it wasn’t the cigarettes that saved Mandy’s grandma from parenting overload. (In fact, Mandy explained to me that smoking seriously harmed her grandma’s health in the end.) It was Grandma Pat’s ability to take breaks and breathers that helped her to raise those six kids. And she encouraged Mandy to do the same.

Breathers are essential for new and experienced parents alike. Grandma Pat got that one right. Regardless of how much you adore your little one, and regardless of how old that little one is, you will find the need for sanity breaks. These breathers look different for every one. One of my friends said that she would grab a magazine, announce that she needed to use the restroom, and maybe take a little more time than needed. Another friend would uncharacteristically volunteer to fill the car up with gas or walk the dog, anything to get out for a few minutes. When my own kids were ready to run errands with dad, my favorite breather involved sending my family out for a short adventure. I was left with a quiet house in which I could wash dishes and clear clutter in complete peace. Ahhh… heaven.

As your kids migrate through the toddler, preschooler and elementary stages, you will find that the need for breathers does not go away. And at times, you may find that it is impossible to get away. Here are some ideas for finding peace in those crazy-making moments:

5-5-5 Breathing: Inhale for five seconds, hold in your breath for five seconds, and then exhale for five seconds. Do this five times in a row. This exercise naturally slows your breathing, quiets your mind and calms the natural fight-or-flight reflex that accompanies stress. And you can do this anywhere, any time.
Trip to Tahiti: A holistic pharmacist that we know, Beth Shirley (or The Best Shirley, as we affectionately call her) taught us this trick. Lay on your back with your calves up on the couch for 15 minutes. Listen to relaxing music or just breathe. Inverting your body and letting the blood rush to your head will have a relaxing effect and give you a boost to continue your day.
Recorded Relaxation: Download a free 10 min guided relaxation or a brief yoga class. Even if you can’t sneak away to the gym or yoga studio, you can bring the mellowing benefits into your home, often for a very low price.

Find a breather that works for you, and don’t feel guilty about it. My friends and I are known to treat ourselves to a glass (or two) of wine and a long gab session. Other times we may briefly lose ourselves in a book and a cup of coffee. Whether you have six kids like Grandma Pat or one six-week-old baby, it is important to give yourself these tiny mental retreats. You can mark that down as Oklahoma parenting wisdom at its finest.

Here’s to sanity and compost,

Kirsten

Not Quite Right :: Mother’s Day Moment

May 11, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

We’ve all seen those kids – their hair looks like it was accidentally dipped into a paper shredder and you just know that they found the craft scissors and decided to give themselves a trim. That was my sister and me growing up. Our hair was as uneven and tragic as Billy Idol’s shag in the early-80’s. Minus the coolness factor.

Only thing is, my sister and I hadn’t touched the scissors. My mother was the one who did the hair cutting in our home, and try as she might, our hair always looked like it was trimmed by Edward Scissorhands on crack. There were plenty of things she did beautifully. She sewed us handmade clothes. Took us on adventures of all kinds. She was creative, vibrant and… slightly odd. Cutting bangs was just one of the things she sort of missed the mark on.

My mom grew up in a house with a thatched straw roof in the African nation of Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe). She went to bed at night watching critters crawl around her ceiling and woke up to screaming monkeys outside her windows. After moving to the States, she made a whole-hearted attempt to morph into an American housewife. But honestly… she never really got the hang of it.

When the neighbors were making spaghetti and meatballs, my mom cooked up liver and onions or yellow curry. She left our house doors wide-open and unlocked at all times. We had soles as tough as rawhide due to running around without shoes and our untethered dogs roamed our suburban neighborhood. We lived a rather bohemian life in our rather vanilla community, and my sister and I silently lamented that our family wasn’t quite like the ones surrounding us.

When I became pregnant and entered motherhood myself, I began to play the Not Quite Right game with myself. I scolded myself for eating too much Taco Bell and not enough fish oil during pregnancy. I felt guilty for not giving my new baby just the right amount of tummy time or veggies in his rice cereal. Oops! I hadn’t exposed him to ANY classical music. And sleep training… I was running far too late to correctly embark on that adventure.

Ugh, I guiltily thought, I’m not doing things quite right.

It was one afternoon, when my sister and I were sorting through our childhood memories over an inspiration-inducing glass of red wine, that I had one of those ah-ha moments (insert clouds parting and angels singing). The normal or appropriate activities that occurred in my childhood were not really the stand outs; they didn’t shape the person I am today. It was actually the not quite right events that fueled my values and made me snort with laughter whenever I remembered them.

As my sis and I chatted, I remembered the swinging-from-the-ceiling neighborhood parties and impromptu parades my mom used to throw together effortlessly. For one of those parades, I remembered her using tin-foil wrapped boxes to transform me into the Tin Man from Wizard of Oz, and me subsequently being dragged to the ground by Toto (aka our little, scruffy dog, Flea Flea).

And I remembered our old, creepy, white Ford van that whistled as it rattled down the freeway, hence earning it the nickname, Whistling Wilbur. My mom would step on Wilbur’s gas pedal with all of her weight when we approached a particularly high hill near our house. We kids would all pretend to push the struggling van with our little hands, giving it that extra bit of gusto. And when Wilbur crested the top of the hill at full speed, and our little bodies flew up and hit the ceiling, we would let out a whooping cheer. Wheeeeeee!

Did I mention that car seats hadn’t been invented yet?

I don’t remember the vitamins, books, or matching cotton pajamas that colored our everyday existence. Instead, I remember the adventures and craziness that surrounded our lives. And for this, I feel immense gratitude toward my mom.

As I move forward with my two boys, I’m trying to be less concerned with getting things just right and more concerned with giving them memories and cool experiences that will last a lifetime. I find myself singing the anthem that my mom used to belt out to us:

We’re off to see the Wild West show,
The elephants and the kangaroos,
Never mind the weather,
As long as we’re together,
We’re off to see the Wild West show.

As long as we’re together, I remind myself, it really is ok if I don’t always get things quite right. In fact, maybe our lives are just right… just the way they are.

Here’s to Sanity and Imperfection,

Kirsten

On Postpartum Depression and Anxiety :: Wednesday Wisdom

April 1, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Postpartum depression and anxiety are issues that affect many women, and yet our society does not discuss or address these topics nearly enough. That is why we are featuring the expertise of Dr. Kelly Boyd for this week’s Wednesday Wisdom. Dr. Boyd is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Round Rock, Texas, specializing in reproductive related issues including endometriosis, fertility/assisted reproduction, high-risk pregnancy, pregnancy and postpartum anxiety/depression, NICU issues, medical termination, and perinatal grief and loss. She is on the advisory board of the Pregnancy and Postpartum Health Alliance of Texas, the Association of Reproductive Health Professionals and is an active member of Postpartum Support International.

Dr. Boyd facilitates a free weekly postpartum support group at Any Baby Can, and also does a bi-monthly pregnancy and infant loss group at St. David’s Hospital. She’s the mother of two teens and is very active within the parenting support community. We are so honored to feature her experience and insight on postpartum issues, which impact so many parents, yet are surrounded by much unnecessary stigma, rendering them difficult to openly discuss. And they need to be openly discussed.

BPP: How do you define “Reproductive Psychology”, and what drew you to focusing your practice on these issues?

DKB: Reproductive psychology is defined as the practice of emotional support and counseling given to individuals, families and groups dealing with various types of reproductive issues that don’t go as planned in any part of the reproductive process.

Many people assume the reproductive process will just happen, but often it does not, and we are faced with statements and experiences that can result in feeling “it wasn’t supposed to be like this”. Often these struggles can be traumatic and can affect a person/relationship physically, emotionally, relationally, financially and spiritually. Supportive reproductive counseling can help the person become more aware, gain insight and feel less alone in a process that often feels scary or out of control.

I became interested in reproductive psychology after personally experiencing many of these issues myself. I also began to notice something unique about the assessment and treatment of reproductive related depression, anxiety and grief. While there was tremendous medical care for families, little was being done to emotionally support families through reproductive challenges. So, I became passionate about serving and educating the community and health professionals about the psychology of the reproductive process.

BPP: What are a few major differences between postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety?

DKB: One of my passions is educating about postpartum mood and anxiety disorders. People often only refer to “postpartum depression”, but it’s often not only depressive symptoms. Many women experience both depression and anxiety, and sometimes more of one than the other. Postpartum panic, postpartum OCD and postpartum PTSD also fall under the umbrella of postpartum anxiety disorders. Here are some of the main differences:

Postpartum Depression includes:

Sadness, irritability, excessive guilt, changes in eating and sleeping, difficulty concentrating, hopelessness, decreased interest in self, baby or things that were once enjoyable.

Postpartum Anxiety includes:

Excessive worry or fear about the baby, health issues, fear that something terrible may happen, panic attacks, difficulty breathing, fear of losing control. Postpartum OCD (a sub-symptom of anxiety) often includes repetitive, obsessive scary thoughts about harm to the self, baby or family. Postpartum PTSD often happens with a traumatic birth experience and can include many of the above symptoms with the inclusion of nightmares, flashbacks and a re-experiencing of the trauma.

BPP: We imagine that when you meet new clients with postpartum issues, you sometimes wish they’d contacted you sooner. What are some early signs that a woman should reach out for help?

DKB: Often women don’t reach out for help because they are not sure what’s happening, or because of shame and guilt about how they are feeling at a time our society often says is the happiest time in a woman’s life.

Warning signs indicating a need for help:

Increased isolation and loneliness
Prior mental health history in self or family that has worsened during pregnancy or postpartum
Lack of support or relationships with the baby, partners and friends are becoming affected
Sleep deprivation, hormonal shifts, difficulty with breast feeding may also cause changes in mood that may signal the need for help.
Fear of losing control and a sense of being overwhelmed by everything

BPP: When you meet a woman struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety, what resources do you try to mobilize for her?

DKB: Individual and couples counseling, postpartum support groups, online support and blogs, increased social support systems, additional support for increasing sleep, nutritional needs, breaks for self care, exercise, massage, acupuncture, meditation/yoga, supplements and/or medication assessment.

BPP: What advice do you have for parenting partners, friends and family members of women struggling with these issues?

Be supportive and listen to her fears, feelings and concerns. Validate that most of this is a time limited hormonal and life style adjustment that will improve.
Remind them that they are not alone. This is not forever and not a reflection of the type of parent they are. It is time limited, and with help, increased support and awareness about postpartum issues, they will get well.
Educate everyone about what postpartum IS, and what it is NOT. There are many myths. Get the facts. Great resources for families are Postpartum Support International and Postpartum Progress.
Hire and/or give additional help with household chores, night time baby wakings, sleep and self care time.

BPP: Why do you think postpartum issues are so difficult for women to talk about?

DKB: Because of the shame and stigma of maternal emotions being anything other than joyous. There are so many motherhood myths and pressures on new parents, and often we are taught to not talk about difficult or painful emotions regarding our children or adjustment to our new role. Many women also fear that they will be judged as not being a “good mom” if they express how they truly feel at times. Additionally, many express a fear of being viewed as weak or a failure if they don’t get it “just right”. Lastly, our media has mainly profiled extreme cases of postpartum psychosis, and many women fear they will become like that, or associated with the idea that they may harm themselves or their children if they talk about postpartum issues. This is simply not true. Postpartum psychosis is rare. Postpartum anxiety and depression are very common, treatable and are nothing to be ashamed about.

BPP: What would you say to a woman who feels intense shame about her postpartum issues?

DKB: What’s most important is that women realize this is a treatable, time limited experience. With help, increased education, awareness and support, they will get well. It’s not a reflection of them or their parenting. It’s something we get through and are often better for it after we heal and get the well deserved support.

BPP: What are things expectant parents can do before baby’s arrival to prepare for the possibility of postpartum issues?

DKB: Women and families should consider getting support and educated in their pregnancy. Identify potential risk factors, and develop a postpartum intervention/prevention plan. Assess needs for all family members and get resources lined up before the baby arrives. A good prevention plan, open discussion about feelings, fears, expectations regarding sleep, feedings, household chores and transitions often significantly decreases postpartum distress for everyone.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?

DKB: “Please place your own oxygen mask on, before assisting others.”
Many new parents are forgetting how important it is to care for self because they solely focus on the baby or others, often resulting in depletion and exhaustion. Take time for self, which in turn will be a benefit for everyone!

Thank you, Dr. Boyd, for your insight into these incredibly important issues, that we hope will be talked about more and more openly.

Here’s To More Sanity and Less Shame,

C & K ♥

Pimp My Self-Care :: Tuesday Tip

March 24, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

As both an expectant and new parent, you get a LOT of advice. Some of it you solicit, and some of it you really, really don’t. The advice that helped me stomach all the advice? “Try to take each suggestion as the person’s attempt at a gift; it won’t always fit or be the right color, but the intention behind it is usually kindness.”

That perspective worked well for me 95% of the time, but it definitely did NOT work for this jewel: “Sleep while your baby is sleeping.” When my baby girl slept soundlessly all day every day, deciding that night time was the right time for partying, crying, eating, and everything that involved being wide awake, I got this advice on repeat. I know it was well-intentioned. I looked like a haggard zombie. Plus, as someone who approaches life with both myself and my clients holistically, I get that if something is off physically, it’s impossible to fully function mentally, emotionally or spiritually. That said, this became my internal response when yet another well-meaning person suggested rest: “(in Samuel L Jackson’s “Pulp Fiction” voice) Tell me to SLEEP, mother-f’er! Tell me to SLEEP ONE MORE mother-f’in time!!”

When I tried to sleep while she was sleeping, I was stiff and motionless on the bed, eyes wide open, riddled with anxiety, feeling completely alienated from life outside our little house. Sunlight flooded the room, and me, with desperation to connect to my former self. I turned to Dr. Marc Weissbluth’s book, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child to try and get a grip on our situation, and was floored when I came across this quote: “When the baby is asleep, get some sleep yourself, unless you are doing something for your own peace of mind.” Okay. The sleep book tells me it’s okay to do something besides sleep if it makes me happy. Or at least this is how my exhausted brain chose to interpret it.

I stopped wrestling myself. I decided that for me, being sleepy, but otherwise grounded, was better for all of us. While she snoozed, I took long, hot baths. I vented to friends, combing them for advice on how to fix our issues. I got out of the house alone, wandered through Target and resisted the impulse to violently embrace complete strangers, yelling, “Hiiii! Isn’t it sooo great to be alive together, looking at these pretty things together, breathing in this air together?!” I made curry. The curry part, especially, wouldn’t be a universally validated self-care suggestion, but it grounded me, and it tasted damn good. For those first few months, I was very tired, but very alive, and able to more fully enjoy my sweet, party-lovin’ girl.

Accept parenting and self-care advice. It’s based on a rich history of parents and professionals who have walked through the fire, and you need it. Hear me when I say that putting yourself in physical peril is not okay. Milan Kundera said it well: “When we ignore the body, we are more easily victimized by it.” But don’t forget that inside you, there’s this gorgeous, strong brain that gives you so much imperative information. Listen to it, responding to and incorporating what you hear. Your sanity is one of the greatest gifts you can give your family, even if your personal path to it isn’t fully backed by conventional wisdom.

BPP Sanity Savers:

Try to remain graciously open to well-intended advice from others, including those who aren’t parents (they are often more grounded in life beyond the baby bubble). Caring for your physical needs is the pre-requisite for all other needs, and get help addressing any barriers to these needs…
…but, don’t forget to also listen to yourself, trusting your ability to discern the path to your emotional, mental and spiritual well-being. Factor your voice in.
It’s very possible to be fried to the point of an inability to hear your own voice or know WHAT you want or need. If you find yourself there, it’s time to get support. Call a trusted friend and/or a good therapist, be truthful about how overwhelmed you feel, and ask for help.

Here’s to Sanity and Curry,

Cheryl

Desperately Seeking… Human Connection :: Tuesday Tip

March 10, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

I can mingle and party with the best of them, but when it comes to recharging my batteries, I’m a classic introvert. Give me a quiet house, a cup of tea, and a good book – I’m as happy as a toddler in a Tupperware drawer. For this reason, I figured that quitting my office job and staying home with my newborn baby was going to be pure nirvana, right?

Ummm… partially right. While there were certainly heavenly slices, there were also incredibly lonely moments, and I noticed a new wave of extroversion taking over my personality.

After a few weeks at home with baby, I yearned for new-parent pals who could answer my infant-care questions and empathize with my parenting struggles. I found myself scanning the playground or bookstore for other new moms and babies, ready to pounce with an invitation for friendship. Gone were the days of scoping out the scene for hot guys – instead I spent my time sizing up other parents, trying to determine if they would be compatible with my little family of three. My standard pick-up line: “Oh, your little one is so cute. How old? Well, he/she seems to get along really well with my little guy.” (Translation: Can we exchange numbers and hang out again? Please? Please?)

Most new parents experience what I call the Baby Paradox: Yes, you are in the constant company of a precious and fascinating little human. But it is also common and normal to struggle with feelings of extreme loneliness and mind-numbing boredom. The cure for this post-baby isolation? Reach out and connect as much as you can.

Here are some ideas for staying connected and making new friendships in the midst of baby-land:

Utilize Social Media: Although some of us are bit burned out, social media can be an amazing resource when you’re home with a new little one. Consider starting a Facebook group for expecting and new parents in your community, and then advertise it in the neighborhood newsletter or bulletin board. Scan MeetUp.com for New Parent Meet and Greets (if you can’t find one, consider creating your own).

Seek Out Existing Groups: Many cities, community centers and churches offer support and educational groups for expecting and new parents. Do an Internet search to see what’s available in your area. A great option, available in Austin and other metropolitan areas, is Bump Club and Beyond, an über-cool networking and informational group for expecting and new parents. Another Austin option for post-baby connection is the wonderful support group, Mothers Unfolding.

Give Family and Friends the Green Light: Your loved ones might be trying to give you and your new little one space, thinking that you need time to rest and bond. Let them know that you are very open to visits – give them the best times and set up regular dates.

Make Out-Of-The-Nest Time for Both Parents: When baby is old enough to take a bottle or survive a couple hours without mom, make plans with a friend and get OUT (yes, out of the house, into the fresh air, into the world). Dads and parenting partners can also struggle with symptoms of social-withdrawal, so encourage your partner to take some time on the weekend to connect with pals. And whenever you can, load up the Ergo, Baby Bjorn or Moby and get the whole family out on an adventure, even if it only lasts an hour.

Three years after becoming a mom, I was taking my second baby for a walk when a woman came flying out of her house in sweat pants, a t-shirt and noticeably un-washed hair. “Hi!! Hi!” she exclaimed, “Is that a baby in your stroller? I have a newborn in the house. Do you live in the neighborhood? Hi…”

I just nodded knowingly and handed her my phone number. “Let’s hang out soon!” I said as I walked away, happy that I could offer another new mom a brief escape from the sometimes lonely land of newborns.

BPP Sanity Savers:

While you are pregnant, begin researching new-parent social groups and play groups in your community that might be a resource for you later.
Let family and friends know that you will love their visits and support after baby has arrived. Give them a schedule of ideal times once you have become accustomed to your little one’s ebb and flow.
Make sure that both you and your partner get time to fly the coop. As soon as you can, go on small adventures as a family. The fresh air and human connection will do you good!

Here’s to strength and sanity,

Kirsten

Feed Your Baby, Feed Your Senses :: Tuesday Tip

February 17, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

This story might be familiar to some of you, and a cautionary tale to others. My daughter had colic. For several weeks, between the hours of 4 pm and 1 am, she was either crying uncontrollably, breast feeding, or stunned into brief silence by the sound of the vacuum cleaner (we had super clean floors during this time).

One evening, J (my kids’ awesome dad) and I were invited to a happy hour. We decided he should go, as I tended to have an easier time soothing her as the parent with the milk supply, and she would definitely not have been a “happy” addition to the hour if we tried to take her along. When he walked back into the house, he smelled like outside and red wine. I stood close to him and inhaled deeply several times in a row, like an addict huffing paint fumes from a paper sack. I was floored at how amazing a scent other than our sweet baby girl, breast milk and spit-up could be.

When you are in the throws of life with a new baby, you are hyper-focused on making them comfortable: warm, fed, held, diapered, bathed, etc…and this is good and instinctual. The only draw back is how easily you can forget to do many of these things for yourself. Feeding your own needs gives you the endurance to feed your baby’s needs. This goes for partners too – we are in this together, and we all need sweet soothing to keep our sanity in tact. Doing something nurturing for each of your five senses, every day, is a great way to keep yourself fueled.

Here are some of my favorite examples:

Smell: Stock up on some of your favorite scented candles. Take a few seconds to light one in whatever room you’re spending the most time in. The smell of a few drops of essential lavender oil on a pillow near where you breastfeed can help relax you.

Touch: Treat yourself to some new lounge pants and super soft t-shirts. You’ll spend a ton of time at home in the first few months, so having cute, comfortable clothes you feel good in can help cheer you up. Hot baths soothe your body and your spirit. Back rubs and hugs for and from your partner feel great and help you stay close and connected.

Sight: Surround yourself with photos of friends, family and artwork that either makes you feel calm or cracks you up. No Edvard Munch in the nursery, okay? If you can change the scenery when you breastfeed, try different spots in the house, or near a window where you can see outside.

Hearing: Music. Take the extra five seconds to turn it on. Whatever helps you transcend, feel happy, upbeat, relaxed… identify the feeling you crave and choose the music to best elicit it. And don’t pressure yourself to play kid-friendly music only – chances are good your baby will love hearing whatever you listened to while he or she rocked out in your belly.

Taste: Make sure to eat and drink. It is so easy to forget this when you’re trying to keep up with the voracious appetite of a newborn. Go with suggestions from your OB or midwife on what’s best if you’re breast-feeding, find some things you love and savor them every day. I used to say “good morning” out loud and smile at my cup of decaf before taking the first sip. It was that delicious.

BPP Sanity Savers:

Taking care of yourself is imperative to the endurance needed for caring for a newborn.
Think about what your senses love the most, and stock up on supplies for feeding them in advance. Attend to all 5, every day.
Talk with your partner in advance about ways you can help each other nurture yourselves – you both need and deserve TLC!

Here’s to strength and sanity,

Cheryl

Letting Go :: Sunday Sanity

February 15, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

When I became pregnant with my first child, I had no clue that I was embarking on the most intense period of personal development I have ever experienced. Forget those self-help books I had filled my shelves with. My new baby became my guru, counselor and coach all wrapped up in one dimpled package.

Perhaps I should have guessed that major growth was coming my way when my acupuncturist shared some advice on giving birth. She explained that most women reach a point in their labor when they feel like they might just die if they have to endure any more pain. This is an important part of the labor, she reasoned, because a part of you IS dying. You are essentially being reborn as a mother, a parent. The mind-numbing pain serves as a signal to surrender completely to the labor, to let go of control and to give in to the natural process of life. My acupuncturist urged me to practice surrendering as I awaited the big day.

Gulp… How did she know that control was an issue for me? That I grew up in a chaotic, single-parent home, and that I learned to cope with the chaos by attempting to manipulate my environment, my appearance, my everything? “Surrender – Let Go,” became my silent mantra for the remainder of my pregnancy.

Predictably, my new theme song slipped my mind as I worked my way through the labor. But the significance of the event did not escape me; the natural birth of my son was an incredibly transformative experience. And afterward, I thought, Whew – hard part over!

Heh-heh. Little did I know that Aidan’s birth was only the beginning of my own “rebirth,” and that my new baby boy would unwittingly encourage me to give up control in the weeks and months to come.

It began two weeks after his arrival. Aidan wasn’t gaining weight, despite my zealous attempts to breast-feed him. Consequently, I had to swallow my pride… and seek some help. When he was four weeks old and developed baby acne, cradle cap and a splotchy rash, I confronted my own appearance-related insecurities. And when he was two and I had to lug him, bawling and flailing, out of the library when he wasn’t quite ready to leave, I let go of other people’s perceptions and judgments.

I let go of being on time, having stain-free clothing, getting a full night’s sleep, knowing all the answers…

I let go.

I realized that I was also surrendering and quietly letting down my walls. I surrendered to the jubilant hugs, slobbery kisses and uninhibited cuddling that only a little one can bestow. Surrendered to the most pure, unadulterated and unwavering love I have ever given or received in my life.

Naturally, this is an ongoing journey for me. I still battle with various control issues. I have two boys now, and catch myself pacing the house tense-shouldered, miffed that I am not in complete control of my hand-print covered, laundry-filled home. The tension usually signals me to breathe and start up my old chant, “Surrender – Let Go.” My sons seem determined to teach me this important life lesson, even if they have to spill 200 cups of sticky juice to get the message through. Stubborn like their mama, they’re going to break me of my control habit, regardless of what it takes!

BPP Sanity Savers

Your process of surrender can begin before your baby arrives. Have a plan and be prepared for your birth, but hold on as loosely as you can.
Identify the areas of your life in which you have a tightly-gripped, non-negotiable need for control. Try to think of small ways to relax in these areas, even if just in your mind.
Remember that the beautiful insanity of a new baby is short (even though difficult chapters can seem to take an eternity). Try to embrace the lack of control as much as you can.

Here’s to strength and sanity,

Kirsten

Are You Strong Enough? :: Sunday Sanity

February 1, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Yes. Yes. Yes.

My first pregnancy was blissful, until I developed a weird rash on the right side of my belly a week before my due date. At first I thought it was a spider bite, and went straight to a local walk-in clinic. The doc took one look and said, “Staph.” He prescribed one of the few antibiotics safe for pregnancy, and gave me a very stern talking to about the risks of my baby being exposed to the infection. I left my bliss in his office. All of my confidence drained out, replaced by fear. Visions of cuddling skin-to-skin with my sweet new born morphed into visions of protecting her from certain infection, switching soft blankets for a body condom… my anxiety went through the roof.

After a few days, the antibiotics didn’t diminish the rash, and I made an appointment with my dermatologist. I love her. She is smart, quirky and wears wicked-cool glasses. I lifted my shirt and dumped out my fears, which, as it turns out, had very little to do with the rash. My fears were about the gravity of what was about to happen to my body, to my marriage, to my identity, to my life. Who was I kidding? I couldn’t do this. She smiled at me, and looking me right in the eyes, said, “You are so strong. You’re going to be just fine.”

Sweet relief. I walked out of there with a diagnosis of contact dermatitis, a sample of cream that cleared it up completely, and a renewed sense of strength that can only come from the words of another strong woman who has been there. Her voice made all the difference.

I was unburdened. A few nights later, I gave birth to my daughter. Looking back, I am amazed at how penetrating these two experiences were. I saw myself as a force, and my standard motto for most things, including birth, was “bring it ON.” It startled me when the first doctor’s fear-based approach obliterated my confidence, and days later the simple words of encouragement from my dermatologist restored it completely. To be a parent, you have to be a bit insane, and a bit stable. And since you’re in a constant state of change and flux, you’re naturally more susceptible to the feedback around you. The messages you expose yourself to during your preparation for the arrival of a baby can make a huge difference in your ability to access your strength.

When I recall the moments in my life when I felt the strongest and most resourceful, it was at the births of my two children. Other things that feel challenging wither when I compare them to that power. That you are even contemplating taking on responsibility for a life means that you are innately strong and capable. Remember that no matter what your birth story winds up being or was, you made a person, you brought or are about to bring a person out into the world, or you’ve chosen to adopt a baby and add a sweet life to your family. Nothing can diminish this, absolutely nothing. You are strong. You can do this. And if you already did this, DAMN. You did this.

BPP Sanity Savers:

Be mindful of the way you talk to yourself while preparing for your baby. Be gentle and encouraging.
Surround yourself with positive friends and family members who bring out the best in you.
Remember that your strength transcends the arrival of your baby – it is always with you.

Here’s to Strength and Sanity,

Cheryl