Blog - Part 8

4 Ways to Write Your Worries :: Tuesday Tip

September 9, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

Ever feel like you have so many things on your mind, your head is about to explode? I call them Linda Blair moments. I had one last week. I was standing in the middle of my kitchen and felt like my head was spinning out of control, Exorcist-style. I couldn’t figure out what to do first: fold laundry, respond to e-mail, make dinner, schedule a doctor’s appointment, and the list went on … When my head stopped spinning long enough to take action, I grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled out a massive ‘To Do’ list. Everything and anything that was on my mind went down on that paper. I immediately felt a release of tension and a weight lifted off my shoulders. The number of to-do’s hadn’t changed; I just didn’t have to think about them non-stop. They were residing on that piece of paper, not going anywhere and I could tackle them one at a time.

According to neuroscientists, humans think anywhere from 12,000 to 50,000 thoughts per day. I’d be willing to bet that parents think even more. The researchers also claim that up to 98 percent of our daily thoughts are the same ones we had the day before! It’s like having the most annoying CD you can think of, on repeat, in your car stereo, on a 12 hour road trip. No fun. Grabbing a notebook, or a laptop, and downloading your thoughts can help you to clear your head space and move forward with your day. Here’s four ideas for putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and ending the never-ending loop of misery:

Write Your To-Do List: As I described earlier, I’m a big list maker. When I take the time to write out everything I want to accomplish, it helps me to organize my week. It also helps me to focus on one task as a time instead of fretting about all 30 items on my list. My favorite part? Taking a highlighter and crossing completed items off the list. Even the smallest tasks (ie. cleaning out my son’s sock drawer) can feel like a major accomplishment.

Write Your Thoughts: When I bring up journaling with my clients who are struggling with anxiety or depression, most of them say, “Oh, I’ve tried that and I couldn’t stick with it.” That’s when I encourage them to try again. I explain that I’m not asking them to pen an Ann-Frank-style diary that is gorgeously written and going to be published later. We’re talking about pulling out a notebook, a scrap of paper, or a computer and just letting it all out, free-association-style. If you’re worried about something, write. If you’re so excited that you can’t go to sleep, write. Getting the thoughts out of your brain and onto paper will help you to release the tension and might even help you to gain perspective. Journaling is also a healthy and low-cost alternative to addictive behaviors and toxic distractions. You don’t have to write every day… just write when your brain tells you that you need to. And then save it, rip it up, read it to a friend or burn it. Whatever feels right to you.

Write Your Trauma: Just down from the street from us, at UT Austin, Dr. James Pennebaker has been conducting research for years on the positive impacts of journaling, especially for individuals suffering from PTSD. His program, Writing to Heal, is based on the premise that journaling can be even more effective than counseling in many cases. (Bad news for my profession but great news for anyone who has experienced trauma.) If you were an abused child, a soldier in the trenches, or a mother who has endured a difficult birth or a colicky baby, you might find that writing about your experience will help you to process it, purge it and move forward. Want more info? Click here for a great article about Dr. Pennebaker and his Writing to Heal suggestions. (Quick caveat: If your gut tells you that writing about a past trauma might bring up heavy emotions or flashbacks, I encourage you to schedule with an experienced therapist before diving into your memories.)

Write Your Gratitudes: At times, we have so many negative thoughts occupying our brains, it can be hard to squeeze in the positive. Getting in the habit of writing (or typing) a list of things you are thankful for can help you to find your footing and even change your perspective. Almost always, when we start listing them, our gratitudes outweigh our complaints and concerns. Inserting little positive reminders into our thought patterns can help us to feel less burdened by the negative.

Cheryl and I both love to write. Cheryl carries beautifully bound notebooks with her at all times, filled with pages of deep thoughts, doodles and lists. I’m more of a “pull a piece of paper out of the recycling bin and find a crayon” kind of gal. It doesn’t matter how you do it, just do it. You’ll find that writing is one of the most beneficial self-care activities you can indulge in. It’s free, it’s portable and it’s therapeutic. You can’t get much better than that.

Here’s to sanity and Linda Blair,

Kirsten

Picture Imperfect – A Mother’s Social Media Outtakes:: Monday Musing

September 1, 2014 By: babyproofedparents7 Comments

Facebook and I have a love/hate relationship with each other. I love that I can now recognize the sweet faces of extended family when they pick me up at airports across the ocean. We don’t have to start from scratch when catching each other up on years of news. I also love coming across an article or a post that makes me think so hard my brain hurts. And there’s that handful of FB friends who really should have considered stand-up comedy, because their daily descriptions of the most mundane activities make me laugh so whole-heartedly, they test my bladder control.

What do I hate about Facebook? That a typical scroll through my news feed leaves me feeling left out and inferior. I can’t speak for your home page, but on mine, everyone appears to be more involved, more attractive, more fulfilled and more successful in whatever endeavor they happen to be doing at the time. FB feels like the Land of the Mores and I’m hanging out in the Village of Less Than. My friends and counseling clients report similar feelings, so much so that I have begun quietly lobbying for a new therapeutic diagnosis: Social Media Syndrome – when your Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest accounts make you feel like crap. (You’ll notice that I left out Twitter, because people who tweet tend to tell you when they are having a rotten day, therefore making you feel more mainstream.)

I came across a quote recently that summed up my Facebook experience:

The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel. — Steven Furtick

Amen, Steven. Facebook is not known for being a place of transparency and rawness. It’s more akin to a polished online scrapbook in which people showcase their best photos and their best days, with witty captions attached. It used to be the magazines and movies that made us feel like we had to live up to a certain ideal. Now, it is frequently our own peer group. While sitting in our toy-filled, chaotic houses, many of us parents compulsively view our friends’ sanitized, customized, Instagram-ed greatest hits. It’s like daily torture for the psyche.

You would think with all of my whining, that I would have kicked Facebook to the curb. I haven’t. If I’m being honest, I enjoy editing and presenting my own carefully crafted highlight reel. It’s a little bit art form, a little bit news sharing, and a lot of trying to score as many “likes” as possible. Alas, I’m no better than the rest of ’em. Here’s an example of a pic that made my FB cut a few years ago:

The caption next to this photo read: Sunday brunch with my boys. After posting it, I got a gazillion “likes” and a whole stream of sweet comments, including “Gorgeous family!” “ Do you ever change?” “Cute boys.”

Now let me give you this photo’s must-have-happened back-story. My husband must have been home that morning which allowed me to actually take a shower, in peace. I’m wearing a dress, which means hubby gave me a few extra minutes to shave my legs. My hair is brushed and not pulled pack in a rubber band; apparently no one threw a tantrum or needed a time-out before I finished with the hair dryer. A Curious George episode might have been involved. Everyone appears to have slept through the night – my face doesn’t look gaunt or puffy. The photo was snapped right after we arrived at the venue because my sons’ outfits (Hello – what was I thinking with the white shirt??) are spotless. (I can guarantee you that a few minutes later, that white shirt was adorned with some large, ketchup-colored stain.) One of the boys is smiling. He must have been excited about the dessert he was about to get. The other boy isn’t smiling, but hey, he isn’t crying, yelling, hitting or running. Score!! Take the photo, quick!!

Aaaand, we captured the perfect moment.

Most of our moments are not perfect. In fact, they are far from perfect. Since we’re being real here, I’ll share some parenting pics that didn’t make it to Facebook. And for good measure, I’ll attach the captions that could have been:

I just squeezed out a gigantic, screaming infant and I’m exhausted, but isn’t he gorgeous?

Yes, my nostrils, eyes and hair are fun to stick fingers in. All of the time. Said no mom ever.

You are a man-child and you really want me to hold you? Ok, c’mon up baby.

Is his life jacket suffocating him? Is he too hot? Can my worry lines get any more creased?

Stick a fork in me, I’m done. Kids are finally in bed. Don’t touch me. Don’t come near me. Don’t even come close enough to focus that camera. Just. Don’t.

Yes, we’re doing bath time, for the 245th time this year. Need anything?

This is my favorite, clearly taken by a four year old. I call it, “A Typical Day in the Life”, complete with teething baby, glasses, sweats, folded laundry, stacking cups and…mess.

So there you have it, my behind-the-scenes. They’re not pretty, they’re not shiny and they didn’t make the Facebook cut. But they are real and authentic, and they’re my life.

When my clients complain about the insecurities that social and mainstream media trigger for them, I encourage them to envision the back-stories. For every perfect photo, there are ten outtakes that were not so perfect. Even actress Olivia Wilde admitted that her infant son peed all over her couture dress during her latest breast-feeding photo-shoot for Glamour. After being a therapist for many years, and having hundreds, maybe thousands of clients sit on my couch, I’ve observed that everyone has their pee-accidents, their gunk and their bad days. Everyone. Sometimes the folks that look the shiniest and most polished on the outside are the messiest on the inside.

Ten years ago we admired our friends’ scrap books and special photo albums once a year, if that. Now we look at them every hour. Limit your usage and take breaks from social media when needed. Or get off of Facebook and social networks all together if they are bringing you down. That will give you more time to enjoy your own messy outtakes and unique lifetime movie. It might not be perfect, but it’s all yours. And that equals perfection in my book.

Here’s to sanity and pee-soaked couture,

Kirsten

Yes, that is a posed, Photoshopped head-shot pictured above. (Part of my highlights reel, for sure.)

And now that I have completely bashed social media, here is your opportunity to share. ; )

Oven Roasted Beets :: Friday Foodie

August 29, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Beets: Nature’s Cupcakes. I’m just trying to help them out – brussels sprouts have such a following and are so very sexy, while substantial, stable beets get overlooked. My mom had a huge garden, and one summer it seemed we were eating beets every night. I was afraid to try them, and she suggested that I close my eyes, take a bite and think about corn on the cob (which I loved). It worked. They have such a rich, earthy flavor, and the butter and salt makes it pop. You can also sauté the beet greens over medium high heat in a teaspoon of coconut oil for about 4 minutes (much longer and they get slimy), add a little salt, and fully enjoy this 2-in-1 delicious veggie.

Ingredients:

1 bunch fresh purple or gold beets
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 tablespoon unsalted butter, cut into small pieces
1 tablespoon chopped flat-leaf parsley
1 teaspoon kosher salt

Technique:

Beets are usually very dirty, so be sure to clean them well to avoid the nightmare of crunchy dirt on your plate. Cut the greens off the beets, and if you want to cook them later, wash the greens and store them in a sealed container until you’re ready for them. Thoroughly scrub the beets, cut off the roots, and then slice the beets into 1/4 inch thick half moons. I cut the whole beet in half across the width, then lay the cut side down on my cutting board, slice it in half across the length, and then cut my half moon slices across both halves. In a large mixing bowl, toss the sliced beets with the olive oil and butter, then spread them out on a foil-lined baking sheet. Roast them for 25 minutes in a 450 degree oven. Place them in a clean mixing bowl, add the parsley and kosher salt and mix well. Mmmm. That’s some cupcake.

Cheryl’s Tips:

To he or she who does the eating, but not the cooking: lavishing compliments + doing the dishes = foreplay.

Here’s To Sanity and Stability,

Cheryl

Unmet Expectations – 3 Ways to Cope with Parenting Disappointments :: Tuesday Tip

August 26, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

A lot of moms and partners experience some sort of let down during pregnancy, birth and the first few months with their newborns. Maybe you hoped to have a girl, and felt a twinge when you got the ultrasound results. Maybe breastfeeding was insanely difficult, and you had to switch to formula sooner than you’d planned. Maybe you went in ready for a vaginal delivery, and ended up having a c-section. Maybe you thought your newborn would be a sleeping angel, but he turned out to be a very active night owl. Even the most flexible people have at least a vague idea of how they’d like things to go, and when those hopes and expectations aren’t met, it’s very normal to feel at least a little sad and/or angry. Although we’re usually pretty good at normalizing other people’s struggles, many of us experience guilt when it’s our turn to face our own version of disappointment.

Disappointment, when it’s left bottled up, can make you more susceptible to depression and/or anxiety, so it’s very important to acknowledge it. A common reframe we use in Therapy World is this: “What would you say to a friend who was experiencing the same thing?” Almost always, the answer is some version of this: “I’d tell them I’m sorry it happened that way. I’d hug them and tell them it’s okay to be sad.” I never hear, “What’s wrong with you? Get a grip! What do you have to be upset about?” It feels terrible to even write words like that – I can’t imagine saying them to someone. Yet, somehow, it’s very easy to say to myself when I’m going through difficult emotions.

Here are some strategies for airing out the inevitable changes in your best laid plans, for any stage of parenting:

Prepare as much as you can mentally for the reality that not everything will go according to plan. Try to “hold on loosely” to your visions of pregnancy, birth and the postpartum months.
Let it flow. If you notice anger or sadness welling up over unmet expectations, allow yourself a good cry, an intense journal entry, or a venting session with a trusted friend or therapist.
Once you’ve allowed yourself to feel your feelings, use gentle methods to redirect yourself and assimilate the change. Instead of saying, “Snap out of it!”, try reflecting on something positive. My midwife used to remind me that “chaos creates new flow,” and I still grab for that phrase when I’m going through a change in plans.

Here’s To Sanity and Flow,

Cheryl

The Child Sleep Consultant :: Wednesday Wisdom

August 20, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet Lori Strong. She is a Certified Child Sleep Consultant and a Certified Happiest Baby Educator. She is also the founder and owner of Strong Little Sleepers, which was built on the idea that all families need and deserve to get a good night’s sleep. Lori was the first certified child sleep consultant in Austin, Texas and was honored as Best Sleep Expert at the 2013 Austin Birth Awards. Additionally, she is a member of the International Association of Child Sleep Consultants. That’s a lot of sleep credentials! Lori combines her experience as an educator and a parent to offer customized sleep plans and support to families with children ages 0-6 across the country. We are overjoyed to feature Lori’s expertise today because most new parents we know can benefit from some trustworthy sleep advice.

BPP: How did you decide to become a sleep consultant and educator for new parents?

LS: My children were my inspiration! I have an 8 year old son and a 5 year old daughter. I was a teacher before I had kids, so I’ve always been passionate about education. I moved to Austin when I was 34 weeks pregnant and had no family or support system in place right before I had my son. We took classes, but nobody taught me anything about sleep other than to say that “babies sleep a lot”. That advice didn’t help much when my son struggled with sleep and was difficult to soothe. While holding a fussy baby in one arm and reading book after book in the other, I navigated through a ton of information about sleep and put together a plan to help him sleep better. It worked! Before I knew it, I was helping friends and family with their babies and they were all sleeping better too. I realized that so many parents were struggling with sleep and were overwhelmed about where to start in order to make things better. Supporting them made it possible for them to make changes. I decided to become a Certified Child Sleep Consultant because I wanted to take my informal training to a higher level so that I would be prepared to work with all kinds of sleep issues. I love teaching families about how child sleep develops and can be improved, and seeing their families transform when they start to get more sleep.

BPP: What is the age range of children that you consult on?

LS: I work with families who are expecting children through 6 years old. I offer newborn “What to Expect” sleep workshops and Happiest Baby on the Block newborn calming classes to expecting parents and new parents of babies under 4 months. For children over 4 months of age, we are able to begin sleep training if necessary.

BPP: What are the most common sleep issues that parents present to you?

LS: The biggest issues I see are struggles with naps– either they aren’t happening at all or they are very short.

The other main issue I am presented with involves children needing something to put them to sleep, such as rocking or other motion, food, etc… and then they don’t stay asleep. Older children may often come out of their rooms or have difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep without a parent present. There’s such a range of sleep issues depending on the age of the child!

BPP: How do you partner with parents to help them with sleep issues? What does a typical consultation look like?

LS: I offer three levels of support to parents: email, phone, and in-home visits. Each option begins with filling out an intake form. If the parents choose the email support, I communicate through the intake form so we can have a conversation and create a plan through email. The parents then implement recommended changes and use further email as needed to report back to me, ask questions, and celebrate your success. Phone consultations are typically an hour long (Skype is great because we can talk face to face from a distance.) We come up with a plan to help your child sleep better. After our talk, I follow up with a written plan that covers everything we talked about so you can refer to it while making your changes. Once you get started making changes, I support families for two weeks with follow up phone calls and emails. The in-home visit is very similar except that it is a 2-hour consultation in your home, which gives the extra support that comes with meeting someone in person. I also get to meet the children that way, which is one of my favorite parts of the consultation.

BPP: Do you subscribe to any particular infant-sleep philosophies or systems?

LS: I don’t follow one system or method because every child and family is different. I believe that some babies are born as really good sleepers, but some need to be taught how to self-soothe and become strong sleepers. Sleep is a biological need that we all have and the sleep needs of a child are different to those of an adult. I take various aspects of the family into consideration when creating a sleep plan for them which includes sleep environment, temperament of the baby, feedings, timing of sleep, and how the child falls asleep. My plans are very personalized; method is only one part of them.

BPP: What are your thoughts on co-sleeping with an infant?

LS: Controversial question! The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends co-sleeping (sharing a room) with your infant for the first six months of life to help reduce the risk of SIDS. Having a crib or bassinet in the same room as the parents or a co-sleeper attached to the bed are great ways to do this. This can also aid in breastfeeding success. Bed-sharing is not recommended because the SIDS risk is much higher when a baby is placed on a soft mattress with loose bedding and extra people in the bed. My goal is to make sure that when I work with a family, that they are practicing safe sleep. If a family chooses to bed-share, there are precautions that need to be made (just as we take precautions with a safe crib) to ensure the baby will be safe. There are many families that do this and it works well for them. If it is not working for everyone, then I think it’s best to make changes so that the entire family can sleep better. Whether you co-sleep or not, a baby still has certain biological sleep needs that need to be met. That doesn’t change with their sleep location.

BPP: Do you ever advise parents of twins or multiples?

LS: Yes! I’ve worked with many families of multiples. I admire these parents so much because they have super powers! Parents of multiples need to be organized. Keep charts in the bedroom so you can track feedings and sleep for each child. It’s helpful if each parent is responsible for one child at night (if possible). If this isn’t possible, try to employ the help of a relative or friend in those first few months. Scheduling becomes really important for twins because if they are on opposite schedules, your entire day can be spent feeding and trying to get babies to sleep, which is incredibly stressful and exhausting.

BPP: Do you have one suggestion that parents can use right now to help their children sleep better?

LS: An earlier bedtime is a magic bullet. It sounds crazy, but putting your child to sleep earlier will help them sleep longer. This is also true for babies! When children are overtired, they have a harder time falling asleep and staying asleep. If you make an earlier bedtime a priority when trying to improve sleep, your child will begin to get deeper sleep and will eventually sleep longer. This doesn’t mean they will sleep until 10 am, but it really helps in getting them quality sleep. Families always look at me a little funny when I suggest this, but it really does help!

BPP: Do you believe that infants and older children should get a certain number of hours of sleep? Is there a chart that you refer to?

LS: Studies show that children need various hours of sleep during the day and at night depending on their age. I refer to charts by Richard Ferber, the American Academy of Pediatrics, as well as the National Sleep Foundation, but they are suggestions and averages. I focus on the quality of sleep vs. the quantity of sleep when I work with families. If the environment is conducive for a child to sleep and they are given a consistent way to sleep, most children will respond by having healthy sleep habits, will get the necessary sleep they need and will appear to be well-rested and generally happy. I offer a free child sleep expectations guide on my website. You can download it at my website.

BPP: Lastly, do you have any sanity-saving suggestions for parents who are struggling with sleep-deprivation?

LS: Know that you are not alone and that it is possible to make positive changes. I really recommend working with a sleep consultant because chances are, if you’re sleep deprived, you’re too tired to read the books. If you’re looking online for information, you will come up with thousands of articles for and against each other. It can be so daunting and overwhelming and you might want to give up before you even get started. It’s important to understand that it can take some time to see changes, but if you’re consistent, things will really improve.
I also encourage new parents to ask for and accept help! And never trade clean dishes or a clean house for a nap.

For more information about working with Lori or to download a free child sleep expectations guide, visit her website at http://www.stronglittlesleepers.com

We also recommend that you follow Strong Little Sleepers on Facebook and Twitter for sleep tips, news, and giveaways. You can participate in Lori’s bi-weekly Nap Chat Happy Hours – ask a child sleep question and get an answer on the spot, for free!

Thanks again for answering all of our questions, Lori. We wish that we had known you when we were new, sleep-deprived parents!

C & K ♥

Emotionally Constipated? Repression’s Impact On Parenting :: Monday Musing

August 18, 2014 By: babyproofedparents6 Comments

I know the movie “Frozen” has created a somewhat disturbing obsession, but bear with me. I resisted it for a long time, but when a blue-eyed five-year-old is begging you…. Luckily, she was on my lap and couldn’t see my intense emotional reactions. Contorted face, holding back big sobs. Seeing a female character, a cartoon at that, struggling to allow herself to feel anything other than fear or shame was so refreshingly painful. “Conceal, don’t feel.” Oh, Elsa. I get you. There’s been progress, but emotions still seem divided along gender lines. Most men feel they are only allowed to express anger, holding all else inside. Women are often viewed as emotional, irrational and in need of containment, and if they express anger, it’s a problem.

My parents were raised in the post-depression era, in very sparse conditions. Their families were too busy surviving to discuss or express feelings. I grew up watching my mother choke back hard-earned tears, steeling her jaw and optimistic resolve against any emotions that seemed messy or useless. Add to that thrice weekly trips to our church, where flawless, “I’m Okay, You’re Okay” appearances were key. I internalized this message: expressing or even feeling emotion is not allowed, and it will hurt those around you. This internalized message has definitely NOT served me well.

My therapist explained it like this: when painful or exciting things happen, your humanity naturally burns with anger or or sadness or joy. Feelings well up like a wave, and in emotionally healthy people, that wave rolls through and resolves. Naturally. In people who repress, the wave crashes against a wall of shame, which tells them it’s not okay to feel or express the feelings. The feeling wave churns there in a circle against the shame wall. The wave can’t complete, so it just stays, and stays, and stays. The water stagnates, turns into depression and/or anxiety, and can lead to numbing addictions and NOT being down with O.P.E. (Other Peoples’ Emotion). The worst part is that people who repress often have no idea they’re doing it.

Pregnancy and birth shattered my repression tendencies. I was six months pregnant, and about to celebrate my birthday at a favorite coffee shop. My sweet friend Val was driving us, and she accidentally closed the car door on my fingers. It hurt, but not THAT bad. The little bit of physical pain made something break inside me, releasing a ton of pent up feeling. I could NOT stop crying. Beautifully empathic Val started crying too, and it took everything I had to pull it together in time for my little party. Arriving puffy eyed and mascara streaked, I was on the verge of tears the entire day.

“Fear? Grief? Pain? Chaos? With THIS awesome dress and precision haircut? I think not…”

Then came birth. When my first contraction hit, it felt like this: “WWWWHHHHAAAAMMMMMMM!!!!!” My repression brain kicked into gear and said, “Oh dear. That smarts just a bit. Well, this must just be how these things go. Nothing to fret about.” This denial was the frame from which I called my midwife. In a breezy tone, I announced that I’d begun labor. She told me I’d be in this stage for a long time, and suggested that I try to get some sleep. 2 hours and 45 minutes later, my daughter completed her precipitous swan dive through my body (as I screamed, literally running in circles from the pain like the Tasmanian Devil). She landed safely in my midwife’s hands, who had arrived just 4 minutes prior. This event force-opened my eyes wide to the impact denial and repression can have on parenting. My unhealthy ability to repress my feelings, intuition and physical sensations could have put both me and my baby in danger.

I have worked hard to overcome repression. I tell myself it’s okay to feel my feelings and make space for them, even when they can’t come. I fight my hard-wired reflex to say to others, “Stop feeling so much. Because it makes me so uncomfortable. Because I am so uncomfortable with my own feelings.”

I sit in sessions, awe-struck by clients who let go with me, crying or yelling or seething with jealousy. I feel intense gratitude for the trust and vulnerability they give me. My son unleashes when he’s angry or sad or hurt, howling like an animal. I scoop him up and hold him close. My daughter hides when she’s upset. I respect her space, but go just to the edge of it to remind her she’s not alone. I squeeze her tight when she’s ready to reconnect. I want my clients to feel safe with me. I want my kids to feel safe with me. I want my friends to feel safe with me. I want to feel safe.

To feel is to be real. See what happens.

Cheryl

Featured photo copyright: bowie15 / 123RF Stock Photo

Gluten-Free Cinnamon-Sugar Muffins :: Friday Foodie

August 15, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

These fluffy muffins are vaguely reminiscent of the frozen cinnamon sugar donuts my mom occasionally baked and served up for breakfast. The same company made “honey buns,” and when those hit the table, it was ON. They probably contained glue, but hey, who’s keeping track? When these gf delights are on the menu, we have a “one muffin at a time” rule, because like most humans, my littles like to eat the sweet caramelized tops, leaving the sad bottoms to crumble into oblivion.

Ingredients:

For the Muffins:
1 1/4 cups Pamela’s Pancake and Baking Mix
1/4 cup plain yogurt or kefir
1/4 cup milk or milk alternative
1 egg
1/3 cup honey
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 cup finely grated zucchini (optional)

For the Topping:
1/4 cup sugar
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
2 tablespoons butter, melted

Technique:
Lightly grease a 6 cup muffin pan, and preheat your oven to 350 degrees. In a medium mixing bowl, gently stir all of the muffin ingredients together just until blended (see our GF Orange Glazed Muffin recipe for the emotional ramifications of over-mixing). Scoop the batter into the muffin pan, dividing it evenly between the six cups. Bake the muffins for 18-20 minutes, until they’re lightly golden. Remove them to a rack to cool slightly. Meanwhile, mix the cinnamon and sugar in a small bowl until well blended. Gently remove the still very warm muffins from the pan, and roll the muffin tops first in the melted butter, and then in the cinnamon sugar mixture. I said “muffin tops”.

Cheryl’s Tips:

No tips on this recipe – it’s a cinch, and if they’re old enough, you can even enlist your kids’ help in rolling the warm muffins in the butter/cinnamon-sugar mixture.

You’re smart and pretty. And don’t you forget it.

Here’s to Sanity and Muffin Tops,

Cheryl

Speak My Language :: Tuesday Tip

August 12, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

“I feel taken for granted, unappreciated.”

“I don’t feel close to my partner any more.”

“It seems like we’re bickering roommates… there’s no affection.”

These are some of the more common complaints that I hear from couples during their first counseling session. They’re not feeling the love and they’re looking for tools to bridge the gap. My usual response? “You guys are normal. Staying close and lovey-dovey as a couple is challenging, especially after introducing kids into the picture. Let’s dive in and talk about ideas for reconnecting.”

Invariably, our discussion leads us to the classic relationship guide, The Five Love Languages. As Dr. Gary Chapman explains in his decades-old book, most individuals have specific preferences when it comes to expressing and receiving love and affection. These preferences fall into five separate categories:

Words of Affirmation – Examples: Compliments, praise, acknowledgement, sweet messages written in a card or on a sticky note, nomination for “Parent of the Year” Award.

Acts of Service – Examples: Chores, home repairs, errands, shaving the hair on your partner’s back, anything on the To-Do List.

Receiving Gifts – Examples: As simple as a flower handpicked from the garden or as luxurious as a new BMW sitting in the driveway. (The latter being a tad over the top, but hey, it doesn’t hurt to plant a seed!)

Quality Time – Examples: Watching a favorite TV show together, chatting over coffee, going out on a date, talking on the phone, spending the day together running errands or wandering aimlessly at IKEA.

Physical Touch – Examples: Hugs & kisses, back rubs, casual touches, cuddling, gettin’ busy.

If you know your preferred love languages and those of your partner, you can request and express affection and appreciation in a way that feels like a fit. The tricky thing? Often the way that your partner prefers to show love is not necessarily what makes you feel warm and fuzzy, and vice versa. At times, couples feel like they need a translator to understand each other’s behavior.

Mind if I give you some examples from my own relationship? (I apologize in advance for any TMI.) My husband grew up in a home with two working parents and a much older brother. He remembers feeling lonely and bored as a young child. As an adult, he feels the most loved and connected when he gets Quality Time or Physical Touch. If he wants to express affection, he will offer a hug, suggest we head to the bedroom or ask me to watch a movie with him on the couch.

I, on the other hand, grew up as an over-achieving first-born in a crowded, chaotic house. I have two little boys hanging all over me on most days. Instead of Quality Time or Touch, I yearn for Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. Tell me that I am a good mom or paint that bedroom wall I’ve been whining about and I am putty in your hands.

Here’s the rub: If I only make pots of coffee for my husband and never initiate a kiss or a date night, I’m not operating with his lingo. If he only squeezes my butt, but neglects to give me verbal or written compliments, he is not communicating in my dialect. The trick to truly connecting with our partner is offering them affection and appreciation in a way that feels the most impactful to them. All five of the love languages feel loving, but tuning in to each other’s preferences will help you to feel more connected than ever.

If you haven’t already, I encourage you to take The Love Language Quiz with your partner and discuss the results. (Select the PDF version if you are short for time.) If you want more on the subject, pick up the book – it’s a great read for couples who want to strengthen their relationship. And then make an effort to speak your partner’s language on a regular basis. Life will feel more loving when you are both on the same page.

Here’s to sanity and butt squeezes,

Kirsten

Free-Range Helicopter :: Monday Musing

August 7, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Wander over to the parenting section of a bookstore, and you’ll find shelves crammed with various child-rearing philosophies: Attachment Parenting, Slow Parenting, Tiger Parenting. Everyone has advice to give and they often seem to contradict each other. You’re not alone if you find this to be overwhelming. Occasionally I’ll find a gem of a book or a website and commit to doing things differently. For the most part, I’ve learned to avoid that section of the book store all together. I find that the best advice comes from my friends who are in the trenches with me.

The parenting style that has been getting the most negative press these days is Helicopter Parenting. You’ve heard about it, the tendency of modern day moms and dads to hover over their children continually, preventing them from taking risks and making their own choices or failing. The critics argue that our generation is raising kids who lack independence and initiative. Little robotic clones who only move with direction and never learn their own limits. I see evidence of these claims in my therapy practice. I often work with young people who struggle to apply for jobs, cope with stress, or make major life decisions on their own.

The push-back to the hovering helicopter is another buzz-worthy term, Free-Range Parenting. Just like chickens, the free-range proponents encourage parents to unleash their children and let them wander and explore independently. Kids are allowed to stumble and often get hurt, in hopes of teaching them self-regulation and natural boundaries. But here’s the deal: although this form of hipster parenting has plenty of positive attributes, I have also seen some negative after-effects in my practice. Many of my clients who were raised in the “kids are meant to play outside all day” 20th century, have been victims of various forms of sexual abuse or neglect and are still trying to heal from the trauma. I often wonder aloud how their parents missed the red-flags indicating that their kids were in trouble. I also wonder if helicopter parenting was born in response to the neglect that many X-Generation parents experienced.

Ask my husband about my parenting style and he would say that I do a constant dance between helicopter and free-range. Sometimes I’m a nervous wreck about the amount of candy or screen time my kids have ingested in one day. Other times, I’m THAT mom, who allows my kids to skateboard down our steep-as-a-ski-slope driveway or explore our large neighborhood (sewer drains included) on their own. Most of the time, I attempt to land somewhere in the middle. Kind of like a free-range helicopter who soars calmly overhead, keeping a watchful eye on the activities below, swooping in only when I see signs of serious danger or distress.

Parenting is not an exact science. We waste a lot of emotional energy when we try to be perfect child-rearing specimens who follow all of the latest trends and research. My advice is to allow yourself to flex back and forth as a parent, learning and growing as your child grows. Read the books and web articles, take the advice of your friends but in the end, observe your kids. They will let you know whether you are hovering too closely or needing to build more fences around their virtual chicken coop. Free-Range Helicopter or Slow Tiger, in the end what matters most is that you remain conscious and loving… the rest will usually float (or flutter) into place.

Here’s to Sanity and Chickens,

Kirsten

Want to read more? Here are two great essays on the subject from other blogging mamas:

In Defense of Helicopter Parenting

Risk Assessment: The Case for Free-Range Parenting

Empowering Laboring Moms :: Wednesday Wisdom

August 6, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Meet Wendy Howard. Wendy is the mother of two, a wife, and a Labor and Delivery Nurse with a certification in Inpatient Obstetrical Nursing at UCMB Hospital in Austin, Texas. She also has experience in Emergency Medicine, Critical Care, is a Breastfeeding Resource Nurse, and aspires to become a Certified Nurse Midwife. This is where Wendy’s unique perspective comes in – she had her first baby in a hospital setting, and her second at home with a midwife. She can truly attest, from personal experience, to the benefits and drawbacks of both birth settings. Her passion is Women’s Health, and all things related to pregnancy, labor, delivery and recovery. She strives to give each of her patients a personalized birth experience, fulfilling their hopes whenever possible. One of my favorite things about Wendy is how candid she is – she has a straightforward, honest, yet gentle way of speaking about what women can REALLY anticipate experiencing both during birth and post-nataly.

BPP: What are the biggest joys and challenges of your work as a nurse?

WH: The joys are helping a woman achieve the birth she wants. That’s what I strive for: seeing her empowered, whether that’s completely natural, drug-free with spontaneous labor, or that she tries for a vaginal delivery and winds up having a c-section. When the baby is okay and in her arms – then the outcome is positive no matter what the plan was. It’s a challenge when the plan has to change for some reason (the baby is breech or the mom is post-date or diabetic, and interventions haven’t worked). It’s also challenging when I’m advocating for the mom, but my voice isn’t heard anymore, because it’s the doctor’s call ultimately.

BPP: What are the top three things you wish women were educated on/prepared for when giving birth?

WH:

More than likely, their body knows what to do, and the majority of the time, they could have a vaginal delivery without intervention.
They have the right to refuse any service that they feel might be unnecessary for themselves or the baby.
That they should be as prepared as possible for pain, and have some emotional and mental tools for helping to manage it.

BPP: What are the top three things you wish women were educated on/prepared for post-nataly?

WH:

That a major lack of sleep will be present, and there are ways to manage that with support.
That even though an instinct is there for both mom and baby, breastfeeding education is a must because of its many facets (not all babies will latch well, all nipples aren’t the same, etc).
Your body will never be the same, in both positive and negative ways.

BPP: What are the top three myths that you find yourself dispelling with new parents?

WH:

That breastfeeding will be a breeze, and is a form of contraception: not always, and no it’s not!
That you and your parenting partner will naturally fall into a cohesive team: you have to intentionally communicate and possibly fight to become a team.
That you won’t make mistakes in every aspect of parenting: we’re human; trial, error and big mistakes are inherent to parenting, just like they are to every new role.

BPP: You had both a home birth and a hospital birth. Will you compare the two?

WH: It’s like apples and oranges. My support system (my husband and my mom) was the same for both. My psychological mind frame was different: in the hospital birth, I was unsure of so much going on around me. I had anxiety about the unknown, and had a constant feeling that an intervention like a c-section was hanging over my head. With the home birth, there was more comfort and peace, and the constant was, “I’m at home, in a safe space, it’s familiar and I can move around with no restrictions.” I had my second baby at home, and I knew I could get through the birth, which added peace of mind.

BPP: What are ways can women advocate for themselves in the hospital setting?

WH: Educate yourself before you go to the hospital. Figure out the type of birth you want, with details like whether or not you want pain medication and communicate that up front. Ask questions. Question everything, and if you don’t feel right about a decision the doctor or nurse wants to make, state your opinion and ask them to justify and explain theirs. Ideally, have a labor support person (like a doula or a good friend with an obstetric nursing background) to advocate for you.

BPP: What tips do you have for dads/parenting partners on how best to support the laboring mom?

WH: Be present, physically and with emotional support. Try to figure out with the mom what is best for her specific needs, which could be physically touching her, playing music for her, getting drinks for her, or just being there.

BPP: What advice do you have for family/friends who want to attend the birth/visit the new mom and baby in the hospital?

WH: Respect the sanctity and possible need for space of the new family, and know that needs/preferences look so different for people. When I was in the hospital after my first, I wanted no visitors until we were postpartum or ideally, at home. Don’t take it personally if the new parents want time and space with their new baby.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?

WH: Take care of yourself, whether that’s going to get a massage, exercising, getting a pedicure, going on a date with your partner – take time away to rejuvenate, so you can give your entire self to your baby.

Thank you, Wendy, for devoting yourself to advocacy for new moms, and sharing your beautifully faceted wisdom with us. Any new mom would be lucky to have you on her team.

Cheryl & Kirsten ♥

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