Tips

8 Things to Say to Your Partner That Will Make You a Happier Couple

August 23, 2017 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

We say a massive amount of words every day – on average 15,000. Many of those words are the same ones we said the day before, and the day before that. When you’re co-parenting, your communication with your partner becomes even more repetitive and business-like. Why? Because you are running a baby-raising, household-managing, food-serving business together.

Who’s handling bath tonight?

Please turn on the baby monitor when you go upstairs.

I forgot to grab bananas at the store. Do you mind picking some up?

OMG, <insert child’s name> was fussy today.

What should we have for dinner tonight?

In the midst of all of this business-like chatter, the small niceties are known to get lost. New parents are often exhausted and grumpy, so the words are more likely to be testy or blaming. Let me tell you, my husband and I have had many a day when our words were more negative than positive.

In my work with couples, and in my own marriage, I’ve found that making a concerted effort to add in positive words and phrases can make a gigantic difference in the tone and feel you are setting in your home. In fact, research by John Gottman indicates that solid, happy couples counterbalance every 1 negative interaction with 5 positive interactions. The point? You are going to be grumpy or curt at times. Just make sure that you are overpowering the negative with positive.

Here are seven phrases that I encourage couples to integrate into their daily vocabulary whenever possible:

1. Thank you

Of course you say Thank You, but do you say it enough? I encourage couples to show gratitude for all the little things, all the time.

Thank you for emptying the dishwasher.

Thank you for grabbing my favorite cheese at the store the other day.

Thank for getting up during the night with baby. That extra bit of sleep saved me.

The number one objection I hear to this phrase is: “I shouldn’t have to thank my partner for the little things that he/she should be helping me with.” I hear you on that. However, when your partner feels appreciated, and not taken for granted, they are more likely to want to do more for you. That sounds good, right?

2. I screwed up

So many couples walk around with their figurative fists up, ready to brawl. They feel so defensive and guarded that they are slow to acknowledge mistakes or take responsibility for their oversights. Here’s my advice: Own your stuff. Admit when you messed up.

I screwed up, honey. I forgot to pick up milk at the grocery store.

I totally messed up; I drove too close to the garage door and put a little scratch on the car.

I blew it. I was grumpy and rude this morning and I know I was being an ass. I’m so sorry.

This is a great habit to model for your kids and has a humanizing effect on the whole family. We all make mistakes. When we take responsibility for them and don’t cover them up with excuses or defensive words, we present a more vulnerable and non-defensive front.

3. You look gorgeous/hot/handsome/amazing…

You and your partner are way beyond the honeymoon stage. The days of staring into each other’s eyes longingly are long gone. I don’t care. Take the time to tell your mate when their hair is looking cute or you really like their outfit. You might feel like your partner already knows that you find them attractive. They don’t. Make sure you tell them and you will be helping to keep the romance alive.

4. You’re really good at…

Neither of you have a manager or a boss at home. You don’t get positive feedback on a regular basis for the activities you do outside of the office. If anything, you and your partner probably give each other constructive (or non-constructive) criticism on everything from how to cut the crusts off the sandwiches to how to put the laundry in the hamper (and not on the floor). This can leave a void of reinforcement and encouragement. Sometimes it feels like we are doing everything wrong. I recommend that you regularly comment on your partner’s strengths and let them know when they are winning at parenting and human-ing. (I know that isn’t a word, but I’m making it one.)

You’re really good at getting our baby to sleep. What is your trick?

You make the most incredible dinners. It is so nice to end my day with yummy food to look forward to.

I love the way that you redirect our (insane) toddler when he is tired and crabby. You really have a knack for this parenting thing!

I’m in awe of your ability to always keep clean pairs of socks and underwear in my dresser. You are the Laundry Monarch – I am not worthy.

5. I hear you.

It is well known that most of us humans are not the greatest listeners. We’re often quick to give solutions or rebuttals. Or we’re too distracted by our iPhone or our kids to really tune in and hear our partner. If you take a deep breath, really listen and say I hear you, you partner’s shoulders will relax and they will feel like you are on their team and you really understand them.

6. You’re right.

Have I mentioned the defensive tone that I often see permeating couples communication? Many men and woman feel continually scrutinized or criticized, so they are slow to admit when their partner is right. But let’s think about this. You chose this person to be your partner in child rearing. Knowing that you always practice excellent judgment (wink, wink), this partner of yours probably has a good point every once in awhile. You can say this is different ways:

Good point.

You’re correct.

That’s fair.

You were right.

Very true.

Yup, you make a great point there.

If you give your mate credit when they’re on the right track, the combative tone will immediately be defused, and she or he will be more likely to say, “You’re right!” to you later on.

7. Hey, I need…

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Our partners aren’t mind readers. SO… if you need something, speak up and ask for it. Let me give you some examples:

Hey hon, I could use extra help in the kitchen this week. The baby is teething and I’m about to lose it.

I need you to run by the grocery store tonight please. We’re out of milk and coffee, and I will keel over in the morning if I don’t have my caffeine.

Darling, I need to you to hug me when you get home at the end of the day and spend a few minutes talking to me before we dive into dinner and bedtime.

Which leads me to my final suggestion…

8. How was your day?

This is an obvious one. You probably feel like you say this one in your sleep.

Here’s my question: When you say it, do you stop what you are doing, look directly at your partner’s face, and actually listen to their answer? If not, I recommend you try that, and then ask follow-up questions. Debriefing and processing your day with your partner is a great way to unwind, let go of any stressors and launch into a meaningful evening with your family. It feels amazing to know that you have a teammate waiting at home who is actually interested in what you did for the last 9 hours!

____________________________

So… I’m going to end with a caveat: If you are one of those folks who apologizes for everything, even when it isn’t your fault, you might want to skip some of the above suggestions (specifically #2 and #5). OR, if you feel like you say many of the above phrases, but your partner doesn’t, you might want to skip back to #6 and ask them to incorporate more of these into your daily dialogue. Blame it on me, the Baby Proofed Parents lady. Tell them it’s the shrink’s orders!

Here’s to Sanity & Saying It,

Kirsten

Ending the Division of Labor Wars

February 12, 2016 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Everyone does it. No couple is immune. Some call it tit for tat. Others call it keeping points. It’s that thing you do when you turn to your partner and say, “Why do I always end up doing the dishes? It seems like you never help out in the kitchen.”

Then your partner defensively replies, “I just did the dishes yesterday. You never notice when I help. And besides, when is the last time you helped with the yard work?”

And it goes from there.

The arguments can be about household chores, financial contributions, parenting tasks or even initiating sex.

These arguments feel like a volleyball game in which each person is volleying complaints back and forth over the net. It can become quite competitive. Who is doing the most around the house? Who is doing the most for the family? Who is doing the most for each other?

What couples tend to forget is that they are actually on the same team. If you ask two parents what their goals are for the family, they will almost always say the same things: Health, happiness, and a well cared for home.

I have good news for you! There are ways to minimize these division of labor battles that will in turn, make you feel closer than ever to your partner.

1. Ask yourself if you are tired or grumpy. If you answer yes, consider saving your feedback for a moment when you are rested and fed. You’ll be able to approach the subject in a less confrontational manner when you are feeling calm and can “soft start” the conversation.

2. Consider whether this task is crucial to the family and the relationship OR whether it is a personal preference for you. If it is simply a personal preference, explore the idea that you might have to take on the bulk of the job yourself. Or hire someone to help you! (Example: I like a clean, uncluttered house. Am I great at keeping it this way? Not really. My husband isn’t either but honestly, clutter doesn’t bother him. I’ve learned that lecturing him about clearing clutter is useless and only gets both of us frustrated. Instead, I try to budget time to do my own clutter cleaning and every once in awhile I have a cleaning service come in to do the deeper cleaning.)

3. Propose making a schedule or an “adult chore chart.” Most us tend to assume that our partner will handle household chores exactly the way we do. But this is a false assumption. We all come from different families and backgrounds. Just because you empty the dishwasher as soon as it has finished its cycle, doesn’t mean that your partner even notices that the dishes are done. Work together to make an agreement on what tasks need to be done when, and who is going to do them. And remember that each of your “chore lists” might not look identical. One of you might hate mopping and the other one might dislike cooking. Try to create lists that play into both of you strengths and preferences.

1. Before getting defensive, ask yourself if your partner has a valid complaint. Is it true that they have been doing most of the chores around the house? Perhaps your partner has been handling the majority of parenting tasks? Resist the urge to start tallying points and firing complaints back at them. If you can, remain calm and ask your partner how you can make things feel more equitable. You might be surprised at the answer.

2. Consider your partner’s love language. If they feel most loved when you perform “acts of service”, then chipping in with chores and yard work is going to be important in your relationship. If their love language is “physical touch”, then making it a priority to initiate cuddling or sex will be essential. When you hear your partner’s complaint, try to see how it fits into their love language. Then, try to be ahead of the game by anticipating the things that make them feel loved and initiating before being asked.

3. If you don’t want to help out more with what your partner is complaining about (or you simply can’t, due to time constraints or another issue) begin gentle negotiations. I’ll give another personal example: I used to love working in the yard. These days, I simply don’t have time or energy for it. Occasionally, my husband points out that I do not set foot outside on yard workdays. He has a point. When these conversations come up, I initially agree with him. Then I try to 1) suggest small ways that I can help (like doing a little weeding), 2) gently remind him of all of the household tasks I am handling (like laundry and housecleaning) and 3) offer to help find money in our budget to pay a yard service. Since my husband actually enjoys doing yard work, he always declines this offer, and we go about our merry way.

I said it before and I’ll say it again: you are both on the same team. It is not a competition and things will never be completely even. One partner (and this might switch back and forth) will always bring in more income. One partner will always do a little more around the house. One partner might initiate sex more frequently. Accept that you are not clones of each other and then try to boost each other up instead of tearing each other down. You will feel closer and more supported as a result!

Here’s to Sanity and Chore Charts,

Kirsten

6 Survival Tips for Parenting When You’re Sick

November 30, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Holiday adventures.

This Thanksgiving holiday I had a house full of extended family and a weather forecast full of rain. Despite the gloomy prognosis, I’m thrilled to announce that the visit went remarkably smoothly. The kids all got along – no meltdowns, no big brawls. The adults all got along – no meltdowns, no big brawls. We went on several adventures and had plenty of quality time at home. Overall, it was a very successful week… except for one thing: I got sick. Really sick.

My throat began feeling sore at the beginning of the visit and by the time my sister and her daughters boarded the plane home, I had a high-fever and could barely swallow. My doctor confirmed a diagnosis of strep and I went home with a prescription and an order to kick up my feet and rest.

For most moms I know, kicking up their feet and resting is a near impossibility. There are kids that need to be fed, bathed and bedded. Life doesn’t just stop because mom or dad isn’t feeling well. As the spot-on Nyquil commercials imply, Moms and Dads don’t get PTO or sick days, amIright?

After 11 years of being a parent, I’ve done the sick-parenting thing many, many times, and I’m here to offer you support and suggestions (that actually don’t involve Nyquil, although I know parents who swear by the stuff):

1. Do the bare minimum: Forget the laundry. Pull out the paper plates. Housecleaning, baths and phone calls can wait. Make sure everyone gets fed and stays safe. All other tasks and priorities can be put on hold. The more your rest, the more quickly you will feel like yourself again. You can catch up on everything when you are well. And you will catch up – like Superwoman on steroids, because you’ll feel like a new person!

2. Call in the troops and ask for help: You’re probably thinking, Duh… This one is kind of a no brainer. But for many of us parents, asking for help and handing the reins to someone else can be challenging. When you are the captain of your ship, and your know exactly how your kids like their sandwiches and precisely what routine will help them go to the sleep at night, it is hard to ask someone to step in and do your job. Even your spouse! On the last day of my sister’s visit, my illness had rendered me pathetic. My husband was out, so I asked her to handle the last meal of the day with the kids. I could hear pans and dishing clanging in the kitchen and I made the conscious choice to let go and let her be in charge – not something that comes easy for me!

3. Make it a lesson in empathy: I’ve said this countless times before, but it is OK and even beneficial for our kids to see us being vulnerable and human. Moms and dads get sick too – we aren’t robots. As your little ones get older, you might be surprised with the tenderness and empathy they exhibit when they see you suffering with a cold. My 10 yr. old takes on a whole new level of independence when he observes me looking like death warmed over. Capitalize on these moments of role reversal and allow the little people to care for the caretaker (or at the least entertain themselves).

4. Keep your germs to your self: There is only one thing worse than parenting when you are sick. Parenting when you AND your child are sick. Mark those episodes down as all time lows in the kid-rearing adventures. My recommendation? Wash your hands often, avoid close contact and cup sharing and let your partner or another healthy adult handle bath time and food prep if at all possible. Most of the time, it is fine to breastfeed because you are actually boosting your baby’s immunity, but be sure to ask your doctor. If you can keep the rest of your crew healthy, it will help to speed along your own healing.

5. Throw your “Perfect Parent” hat out the window: Perhaps you usually limit your kids to one hour of screen time a day? Maybe you make it a practice to get your baby out on a walk in the fresh air every afternoon? You probably have wonderful routines that make you the great parent that you are. Forget about all of that. Don’t worry about the TV being on all day or cold pizza being served for dinner. Your number one priority should be resting and getting well.

And now that I’ve given you those 5 tips, my final advice is…

6. Avoid getting sick in the first place: Do what works for you to keep your immune system strong and your stress levels down so that you stay healthy and well during the cold and flu season. (I’m really lecturing myself here.) Elderberry, Vitamin C, Emergencees — pick your potion and drink your liquids. Because, no matter how many tips I give you for parenting when you’re sick, it still kinda sucks. So wash your hands, get your sleep and keep your body strong. You’re doing the hardest job there is, and you need your strength to do it!

Here’s to Sanity and Echinacea,

Kirsten

How to Validate Your Partner Like a Parking Ticket – 3 Tips for Great Listening

September 16, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Doesn’t it feel good when you walk up to the restaurant counter with a $10 parking garage slip and the hostess stamps her little stamp on it, magically making the cost of parking go down to $0?

It feels really good.

That’s exactly how it feels to be truly validated by your partner. To have your partner put down their phone, look into your eyes and listen to you with all of their senses. Your emotional load is immediately lightened and you feel empowered to move forward.

I’ll give you an example from my own relationship that happened a few weeks ago. My husband came home from work feeling frustrated. Actually, more than frustrated. Pissed off. He shared that he received some feedback from a supervisor. He felt like there was a misunderstanding. He said he was blindsided by the criticisms and felt like he was being undervalued.

Being a counselor, you would think that I would instantly jump into active listening mode. But even we counselors can skip the validating and speed ahead to problem solving and criticism. My first impulse was to say things like: Well, haven’t I given you that feedback before? OR Maybe your boss has a point. OR Omigosh, we need you to keep your job dude. Get it together!

Fortunately, my brain got it together that evening. I paused, took a breath and switched into validation mode. “I’m sorry that you had a crappy day. That completely sucks. Can I give you a hug?”

I let my husband vent and process until he had purged his frustrations, and then we gently moved into “what next?” mode: “What can you do to prevent this next time? How do you want to confront your supervisor about how this was handled?”

The tables are frequently turned. Sometimes my husband comes home in the evening and I’m up to my armpits in parenting frustration and exhaustion. When he says things like, “I’m sorry it was a rough day. I have those too. I know you are doing your best” he wins the husband-of–the-year award.

In those moments, I’m not looking for problem solving or constructive feedback. I’m looking for someone to really hear me, which leads me to the 3 Steps to Validating Your Partner:

Step 1 – Turn Off Your Engines and Tune In: The greatest threats to good listening these days are distractions. They surround us, always humming in the background – smart phones, Pandora, TV, radio, screaming kids, chores, iPads and video games. When your mate has something that she or he needs to talk about, press the pause button on everything, sit down and make eye contact. Simple as it sounds, it is often challenging to do in our over-stimulating world.

Step 2 – Listen and Reflect: Hear the words that your partner is saying. Resist the urge to start forming a response or solution. Just listen. Ask questions to gather more info: How did he respond when you said that? What did you say after that? Ugh, how did that make you feel? And then what happened? Reflect back what you are hearing. And listen some more.

Step 3 – Validate and Empathize: This is where you jump in with the warm fuzzy stuff that makes all of us feel better. That sounds hard. That really stinks. I would have felt the same way. I can imagine that was tough for you. That’s kinda effed up!! You get the picture. You’re letting your partner know that you are on their team and have their back.

Repeat 1-3 as long as you need to. Usually you will find the conversation naturally winding down and switching gears into problem solving. But don’t rush to that space. If you take your time, you’ll notice the energy in the room starting to calm and a strengthened connection between you and your partner.

As always, there’s a caveat. If you find that your significant other greets you with a load of complaints and frustrations on a daily or hourly basis, you might begin to feel like a dumping ground. Don’t hesitate to speak up if the communication tables are unbalanced and you’re always on the receiving end. This might be an opportunity to encourage your mate to connect with a counselor or even another trusted friend or family member who can share the role of sounding board.

Last note – these listening skills will also come in handy with your kids. Listen in and listen well. You’ll find your young ones opening up and talking to you more.

Want more instruction on empathy? It’s a tricky skill to figure out and Brené Brown does an incredible job of spelling it out in this animated video. Watch, learn and enjoy:

Here’s to Sanity and Parking Garages,

Kirsten

4 Tips for Falling In Love with Your In-Laws :: Tuesday Tip

July 21, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

I hear it all the time from my baby-raising clients. Whether they are a brand new mom or a veteran parent, they often report challenges with their in-laws, specifically their mother-in-law. The complaints range from mom-in-laws being too involved to not involved enough. Sometimes the mother-in-law criticizes the mom’s parenting style or ignores it all together. The most frequent complaint I hear: Grandma is spoiling my kids – too many toys, too much sugar, not enough sleep.

My two young boys already claim to have girlfriends (Eeek! 1^st and 4^th grade. Really people?) This has caused me to face the music. One day, in what I hope is the not-so-near future, I too will probably be a mother-in-law. Which leads me to explore the reasons why the mother-in-law/mother relationship is so notoriously challenging:

Reason #1: There are no in-laws in nature. Think about it. Humans are one of a kind when it comes to the layers of family members who love on a little baby. Due to the lack of precedence in the animal kingdom, it makes sense that it is a tricky relationship for humans to sort out.

Reason #2: Generation gap. My kids are 10 and 7 and I am already amazed at how infant care trends have changed since I gave birth a decade ago. What was the norm for a grandma 30 or 40 years ago may be very old news when a grandchild enters the world. Breastfeeding, baby food, sleep methods, parenting and discipline philosophies – everything in this era of modern parenting changes so much more rapidly than it did 100 years ago.

Reason #3: Different families & backgrounds. A mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law come from two completely different upbringings and personal histories, especially in this age in which people don’t just marry the kid that lives down the block from them. We partner up with people from different cities, states and even countries. It makes sense that the way you and your mother-in-law approach the tasks of cooking, homemaking and parenting might be slightly, if not totally, different.

Reason #4: Power struggle. Whether it is subtle or overt, it’s normal for there to be a mild tug-o-war over influence and control when a new grandchild is brought into the world. A mother-in-law was a mother, first and foremost. She gave birth, raised babies and sent them off into the world. She’s been there, done that and has the stretch marks and worry lines to show for it. Now she gets to watch someone else nurture her kin as a daughter-in-law takes the maternal helm of her own family. Letting go of control is key. This transition can be a beautiful process that brings everyone closer. It can also cause tension if this subtle transfer of power is met with resistance or bitterness.

So now that you understand the possible reasons for the “in-law challenges”, you are probably thinking, what the heck do I do about it? How can my in-laws and I get on the same page? Here are our 4 Tips for Falling In Love:

Tip #1: Look for intentions behind the actions. Nine times out of ten, your in-laws are trying as hard as they can to express as much love as possible for their grandchildren. This may come in different forms – 2 scoops of ice cream right before bed, 10 flashy, new toys every time they come for a visit, or 5 sets of unsolicited advice regarding how to care for a baby. Remember that their gestures of love will not veto or replace the consistent routines you are establishing in your home. A little excess love, spoiling and even advice (whether heeded or not) won’t hurt in the long run.

Tip #2: Set clear expectations with your in-laws. Together with your partner, decide on boundary issues that you both feel strongly about. These rules and guidelines will probable revolve around topics like safety, discipline, visiting, feeding, bedtime, and TV/movie/technology guidelines. Communicate these guidelines to the grandparents so that everyone is on the same page. Allow leeway and variation when you feel comfortable.

Tip #3: Express concerns/frustrations when needed. If you have a beef with how your in-law’s are handling something, don’t let your frustrations stew! Keep your cool and voice your concerns, in a tactful and non-confrontational manner. Get your partner’s buy in and involve him/her in the conversation if possible. Explain to your in-laws that you know they have done the parenting thing before, but that you have to sort it out on your own. Add in that you’d love their respect and cooperation as you and your partner learn how to raise little people in your own, customized way. We’re talking about your kid and your little family, right? So in the end, you get to call the shots.

Tip #4: Know when to let go. My mother-in-law was a strong, intelligent and inspirational woman who lost her life to cancer 7 years ago. Before she passed away, she would watch my infant son on a regular basis – eating up every second of her time with him. I’d be lying if I said she and I didn’t experience a few power struggles over baby food, TV viewing and sleep routines. Looking back, I now see that she was coming from a place of absolute and unconditional love. I feel sadness when I know that my 7 yr. old will never get a chance to meet her.

When you’re experiencing challenges with your in-laws, step back and take a long view of the struggles. Most kids benefit from as much love as they can get, even if it doesn’t look and feel exactly the same between the parents and the grandparents. Speak up when you need to… but step back and let go when you can. And if they’re offering babysitting, take them up on it. You and your partner can use a date night – counselor’s orders!

Here’s to Sanity and Two Scoops of Ice Cream,

Kirsten

PS: Recognize the featured photo of Jennifer and Jane? It’s from the 2005 flick, Monster-in-Law. Not critically acclaimed but a good laugh and relatable to many!

“I’m Not Your Mama, Daddy” – Clear Roles for Better Sex :: Tuesday Tip

June 23, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

You’ll hear us say it over and over – being a new parent can be all-encompasing. From personal hygiene to personal identity, a new baby rules most aspects of brand new moms’ and dads’ lives. This crash course in nurturing helps us quickly hone the skills necessary to keep our helpless little ones alive and healthy. It’s normal to feel that nurturing spilling over to our partners throughout our journey of co-parenting: cutting food into bite-sized chunks for our toddler accidentally results in cutting up food for our obviously capable spouse, “Goo-goo gah-gah what a big boy!” could technically be said to either a baby or a man, and don’t get me started on diapers. In some cases, this excess nurturing is helpful, making us more attentive, affectionate and patient with each other. But in other cases, it can completely deflate the sexy factor. Here are three ways to keep our parent/partner roles distinct, keeping attraction heated up:

1. Create time and space. Numbers 2 and 3 are contingent upon this. If you are struggling with postpartum issues, are sleep deprived, or your baby is going through an exceptionally fussy or difficult stage, survival will be the priority. Don’t pressure yourself to be in the mood, but DO work on hiring childcare or enlisting support from family and friends. You need a break from your little one to reconnect with your partner, even if it’s just a very short outing together and the only physical contact is a short make out session in the car.

2. Mentally/Emotionally separate your role as a parent from your role as a partner. Think about what feels good and when. Yes, being nurtured and treated with sweetness is nice, but when it comes to sex, we want to be seduced. Not with baby talk, but with direct, heated, “I want you, NOW,” messages. If you’re in the mood and about to approach your partner, make that mental shift by assuring yourself the baby’s needs are being met, and for the moment, compartmentalizing your parenting identity, letting your adult, sexual self take the wheel. Use your first names or pre-baby pet names instead of referring to each other as “Mommy” or “Daddy” – the way you might habitually when talking with your littles.

3. Physically separate your role as a parent from your role as a partner. When possible, schedule a sitter and get out of the house for a nice, romantic dinner. If it’s a night in, take extra time to shower, change out of your sweat pants and into something inviting. Partners – if you notice Mom is a little haggard and covered in spit up, offer to run a hot bath and pour a glass of wine for her, giving her time and incentive to transition from Mommy Town. Use foreplay techniques like massage, long hugs, listening and folding/putting away laundry before initiating sex.

Here’s to Sanity and Inviting Pants,

Cheryl

The Good & The Bad of Opposites Attracting :: Tuesday Tip

May 19, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Ever wonder how you can be drawn so strongly to a person at the beginning of a relationship and then feel perpetually annoyed with them later on? It has to do with that age-old relationship paradigm: Opposites attract. This cliché happens to hold a lot of truth. Just like magnets, humans are pulled to each other by opposing poles or traits. Later in the partnership, it’s as though those same magnets are flipped on their ends and suddenly repelling away from each other. We’ll give you some tips on dealing with those inevitable challenges, but first, let’s discuss:

The 4 Reasons Why Opposites Attract

1. We tend to be attracted to individuals who have strengths or traits that we don’t have. Yes, you probably share common values, interests and tastes with the person you are drawn to. But when it comes to personality characteristics, you will often be on the opposite side of the spectrum from your mate.

2. It is the unconscious mind’s way of filling in personal gaps and deficits. For instance, if you tend to be more shy and introverted, you might be attracted to someone who is gregarious and outgoing. If you consider yourself to be a neat freak, don’t be surprised if you are drawn to someone who loves clutter. If we look at it in survival of the fittest terms, a couple who has strengths in all areas will do better in the long run than a couple who’s strengths are unilateral.

3. In terms of sexual chemistry and attraction, we are more triggered by someone who challenges us and brings out suppressed personality traits that we don’t possess. If you matched up with someone who was exactly like you, there wouldn’t be any zing or fire in your relationship. True story. The differences in a relationship create tension, and tension creates excitement.

4. At the risk of sounding too Freudian, we tend to be attracted to people who remind us of the good and bad of our parents or other close family members. It might be nature’s way of giving us another chance to work through our childhood conflicts and struggles. Not very nice of nature, eh? But a great opportunity for growth.

So what happens after the honeymoon period is over and the “being on your best behavior” phase is long gone? Many couples find themselves feeling continually irked with each other. I often hear in my counseling practice, “Why can’t my husband make decisions the way I do?” or “Why in the world does my girlfriend approach things that way?” or “Why does everything have to be a struggle?”

We hear your pain. Here are:

4 Tips for Rediscovering The Magnetism In Your Relationship

1. Remember why you were attracted to your partner in the first place. Consider making a list of the things you were drawn to in your mate. Example: My husband has a garage full of sports equipment, wood working tools and other remnants of hobbies and collections. All of these items and activities require money and time. When I begin to feel annoyed with the clutter or the financial costs, I have to remind myself of what attracted me to my husband in the first place: he was adventurous, interested in many things, curious and knowledgeable about a lot of subjects. When I remind myself of these traits, I feel more tolerant of the clutter and admiring of his continued passion for life.

2. Appreciate the strengths your partner has that you don’t have. Example: One of my clients, we’ll call her Sue, hates how her husband takes the kids on all-day adventures and brings them home past their bedtime, covered in dirt and bug bites. When she pauses, she remembers that she fell in love with her husband’s adventurous spirit and carefree attitude. Sue notices that her kids are smiling and that they are probably benefiting from her husband’s different parenting style.

3. Ask yourself if you have something to learn or gain from your partner’s opposing traits. Example: Another client of mine, we’ll call him Alan, get’s extremely frustrated with his wife’s insistence on keeping their house immaculately clean. He said that he feels like he is living in a hotel — it doesn’t feel like a home to him. When he explores his feelings more, he acknowledges that he has a history of being a slob and that his wife’s cleanliness has helped him to be more neat and organized in his own life.

4. Make small requests of each other when you feel like you are on opposing teams. Just because you appreciate your partners differing strengths doesn’t mean that you can’t communicate your unmet needs or concerns. When the timing is right, use the soft start approach, and give your partner gentle requests. These requests just might help your mate to inch a little bit out of their comfort zone and experience personal grow as a result. Here are some examples based on the scenarios above:

Kirsten (to husband): I love how you are interested in SO many things. Would you like me to buy some storage bins so we can organize the garage this weekend and you can have easier access to all of your crap? (Oops! That was a little passive aggressive. Let’s try again.) Easier access to all of your gear?

Sue (to husband): I know that you and the kids will have an amazing time on the greenbelt today. Do you mind getting them home before bedtime tonight so we can be fresh for the soccer game tomorrow?

Alan (to wife): Wow, the house looks great. How about if we take the day off from cleaning today and just relax with the dishes and laundry? I’ll help you catch up tomorrow.

Here’s the kicker. Don’t be surprised if one or more of your kids also has opposing traits to you. That child might challenge you just as much as your partner, but if you use the suggestions above, both you and your little one will flourish.

Here’s to Sanity & Magnets,

Kirsten

Laugh and Laugh Often :: Tuesday Tip

April 28, 2015 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

When my newborn son and I were still figuring out breastfeeding, I realized that I was going to be spending a lot of time awake… in the middle of the night… by myself… in the dark. At first, I tried to fight through my sleepiness while I made sure that my new baby’s latch was correct and he was continuing to feed. But later, I found myself creeping downstairs and quietly flipping on the TV. Why not be entertained while I nursed? I reasoned.

It was during this time that I discovered the power of laughter. Yes, I was sleep deprived. Yes, I felt very anxious about whether my newborn baby was gaining weight. But I quickly found that if I pre-recorded a movie or TV show to watch, and made it a comedy or perhaps a romantic flick with some humor, I woke up feeling lighter and more positive the next day. If Jimmy Fallon had been at the helm of the Tonight Show in 2005, he would have been on my DVR every night.

Most of us are aware that prolonged stress has a direct impact on our health and emotional well-being. There is now considerable research that suggests that laughter lowers Cortisol levels and stimulates the immune system, off-setting the negative effects of stress. (Patty Wooton, Humour: An Antidote for Stress) In fact, Norman Cousins is famous for the “laughter-therapy” he used to cure himself of a debilitating disease in the late 1970’s. By prescribing himself a regimen of Marx Brother’s movies and Candid Camera episodes, he was able to eliminate all symptoms of his condition. That’s powerful stuff!

Research or no research, I can personally vouch for laughter being a great thing when you have a newborn, toddler, or kiddo of any age. It is very easy to take life very seriously when you are figuring out how to be a parent. Sometimes we have to step back and laugh at the stream of pee that just landed in our face or the projectile spit-up that just adorned our clean sweater. Sometimes we just have to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all, and know these messy, crazy-making moments are fleeting.

Laugh with your partner. Laugh with your friends. Laugh with your kids. Or laugh by yourself in the middle of the night. You’ll be glad that you did, I promise.

Tips For Sanity:

Laughter really can be the best medicine.
Find what makes YOU laugh, no matter how insane.
Find humor in the chaos… whenever you can. Spit up all over your face? Bahahaha!

“The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.” – E. E. Cummings

Here’s to Sanity & Jimmy Fallon,

Kirsten

Keeping Your Relationship Hydrated :: Tuesday Tip

April 7, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

In my many years of counseling, I have never encountered a “perfect” couple. All relationships have their challenges and rough spots – mine is no exception! I’ve learned along the way that the trick to long-term relationship success is not to be perfect or conflict-free. The trick is to maintain a strong supportive foundation so that you and your partner can weather the rocky periods.

When a couple walks into my office, and I can tell they are getting on each others’ last nerve, I talk to them about Rain Water Collection. (I know, strange. But hang with me for a sec.) If you know anyone who lives off of rain water – which is getting more common in this eco-friendly 21st century – you’ll know that they love a heavy spring shower or a gigantic thunderstorm. Their water tanks get filled to the max and they can breathe a big sigh of relief, knowing that they will have plenty of water to last them through the dry summer months. A relationship is similar. Just like tiny raindrops, there are small things you can do every day to fill up the reserves. The more drops or positive things you pour into the relationship, the more cushion you have for the dry spells. The result is a strong foundation of trust, love and patience.

What happens when the heat is on and you and your partner exchange harsh words or do something hurtful to each other? A tiny bit of your reserves evaporate. Just as little positive things fill up your love tank, tiny negative things can drain it. If your relationship experiences enough negativity, or goes through a major trauma such as an affair or a bout with addiction, you might find your relationship completely dehydrated and in a full fledged drought that feels hard to come back from.

How do you rebuild the trust and patience when you are running on empty? You return to the little things… little gestures, little favors, little compliments. These actions are contagious and the more that you make an effort to hydrate your relationship, the more your partner will feel appreciated and follow suit. Bit by bit, you will refill the tank and find yourself enjoying that loving feeling again.

The truth is, you WILL have fights with your partner, you WILL get annoyed with them at times, and one or both of you WILL let each other down. But if you go into those challenges with a full reservoir versus a depleted tank, you will have an easier time rebounding and navigating through the obstacles.

Parenthood can both enhance a relationship AND put an enormous strain on it. When I meet with expectant parents, I encourage them to spend the nine months before baby filling up their virtual rain tank. Give your partner compliments, surprise them with a card or a gift, be affectionate and speak to each other with kindness and patience so that you have a full reservoir when you are facing the sleepless nights and gassy infant ahead. Whether you are expecting a baby, raising a baby or well beyond babies, keeping your relationship hydrated and your water barrels full will help you to manage whatever challenges come your way.

Here’s to Strength and Thunderstorms,

Kirsten

Tone it Down – How to Speak Softer and Get Heard :: Tuesday Tip

March 3, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Your baby is fussy, house a wreck, and you’re sitting there, stewing in anger and frustration. By the time your partner walks through the front door, your emotions have reached a fever pitch, and before you know it, word vomit is everywhere. “What were you doing today?! Didn’t you get my TEXTS and voiceMAILS?!” She looks at you, stunned, and either word vomits back, or shuts down completely. Both of you feel terrible. It’s the same with kids. Trying to get them to make different choices by yelling at them never works. They reflexively clam up, retreat, lie or yell back. We never quite grow out of those responses to being “in trouble.”

In his stellar, research-based book The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman identifies several unhealthy communication habits that destroy relationships. This one? “The Harsh Start-Up.” Kirsten’s 5 suggestions on what to give your partner when you’re feeling annoyed made me think hard about this specific communication error, which can shut a conversation down before it even starts. So how do you avoid a harsh start-up when you’re really upset?

Purge it. Find ways to let out some of the intense feelings before you try to talk to your partner about your needs, through things like journaling, a spurt of vigorous exercise, or screaming into your pillow. When you’re feeling flooded emotionally, it’s often impossible to identify what would help you feel better or communicate respectfully.
Process it. Talking to another parent or trusted friend outside of your intimate relationship can help you sort through the emotions, discern what might be your own issues to work on, and what you should bring to the table with your partner.
Present it. Try keeping your voice calm. Avoid criticism, blaming and lecturing. Explain how you feel, and ask for what you need in a measurable way. “I felt overwhelmed today, and when you didn’t respond to my messages, I also felt alone. Will you please check your phone at lunchtime, and respond with a short text, letting me know you heard me?” Anger is normal, healthy, and often justifiable, but if you want positive, lasting change, delivery is critical.

Here’s to Sanity and Being Heard,

Cheryl

5 Things for New Moms to Give Their Partners :: Tuesday Tip

February 10, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Note from the author: These tips are not just applicable to husbands and wives, they are relevant to any parenting partnership!

Many of my new mom counseling clients tell me that they feel like they’ve developed multiple personalities after giving birth. A few weeks into their parenting adventure, they eagerly wait by the door for their husbands to come home from work. And when he finally gets there, they feel completely annoyed — and eagerly wait for him to leave again.

I understand what they’re talking about. I experienced my own mixed feelings regarding my hubby when I became a new mother. There were moments when I felt like I couldn’t have found a sweeter, more intuitive man to co-parent my children with. “I won the parenting jackpot,” I told my friends, “He is so sweet to our baby and does SO much to help me.” Other times I felt like my man was put on this Earth, and specifically in my life, to aggravate me and let me down. He didn’t know what I needed, he didn’t know the right things to say, he just didn’t…

Before reaching the point of wanting to kick your husband out, here are 5 things to try giving him:

Give him the scoop: Fill your husband in on what you are experiencing as a new mother. Your hormones are all over the place. You don’t know what a full-night’s sleep is any more. Your body just went through a gigantic ordeal and your life has changed dramatically. If you worked prior to having a baby, you are now adjusting to being home alone all day with a little crying creature who doesn’t speak the same language as you. This is a huge adjustment and your husband will be better able to support you if he knows what an enormous transition your body and mind are going through. Keep him informed so he understands that this isn’t a walk in the park for you and that you need as much help as possible.

Give him patience: Remember that you are not the only one trying to figure out how to do this parenting thing. Your husband is also new to the role of Dad, and he might need time to learn how to best support you and baby. If he spends a lot of time on the road or at the office, he may need occasional tutorials or updates on how to bounce baby when he’s fussy, or how to feed baby solids without them being spit up all over the floor. Be easy on your man – the two of you will figure out your new jobs together, in time.

Give him a piece of your mind: OK, listen to me closely here. This may seem like common sense, but it actually isn’t for most of us. Your husband cannot read your mind. He doesn’t know that you wanted him to pick up dinner from the Thai restaurant on the corner because you’ve been pacing the kitchen all afternoon with a fussy baby. He doesn’t realize that you haven’t had a shower in three days and that the grease in your hair is not part of a new slicked-back hair style you are going for. He might not understand that you have reached your last straw and that you are seriously about to lose it. As we always tell our young kids, use your words and tell your husband what you need and want. Sometimes it might be as simple as saying, “I need you to give me a big hug and tell me everything is going to be OK.” Or it might be as big as stating, “I am really struggling today and about to lose it. I need you to step in with the baby and give me a Target break so I can blow off some steam in the pretty pillow and vase aisle.”

Give him your time: One of the things that suffers the most when you have a new baby in the house is time together as a couple. With this lack of couple time, intimacy and lovey-dovey feelings can take a dive. When you can, and IF you can, make time for little dates with each other. It might look like sitting on the couch with a dark beer (to increase your breast milk of course!) and watching the latest Netflix download. Or… if you can snag a babysitter, get OUT of the house with your partner, even if it is for an hour or two. Connecting with each other as a couple, and not as two parents passing each other in the middle of the night, can bring you closer together and reignite that spark that you felt pre-baby.

Give him hell: IF you are giving your husband all of these things and he still isn’t stepping up to the plate, share your feelings of frustration with him. Use classic “I statements” to get your point across. “I feel like I am doing everything by myself around here and getting no support.” “I wait eagerly for you to come home and then I feel like you aren’t tuning in to the baby and me.” “I am really struggling. I could use more help.” You get the picture – you can be assertive and direct and still keep your cool. Then go back to #3 and be specific about your needs and wants.

You may be reading this and thinking, None of this describes my husband. He is the best co-parent in the world! If that is the case, great! But if you are feeling the annoyances that many new mothers experience, refrain from beating yourself up and give these suggestions a try. You might find yourself falling in love all over again with that man whom you call your husband.

Here’s to Sanity and Netflix,

Kirsten

Alone with Baby – 3 Ways to Reduce Flying Solo Fear :: Tuesday Tip

January 27, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

My friend Val said the weirdest thing to my colicky infant daughter: “Sweet baby… I’m not afraid of you!” Once I was sure I’d heard her correctly, I realized that I was, in fact, afraid of my child. Not in a “Rosemary’s Baby” sort of way. I was afraid of my perceived lack of ability to adequately care for her. Her crying jags were starting around 2 am and lasting for a couple of hours, and the fall of night signaled another confrontation with my novice mommy status and cluelessness about how to soothe her. It was getting close to the end of visiting family, scheduled friend drop-bys, and J’s time off from his night shift. My anxiety about my first night alone with her was intensifying. We all got through it, but in retrospect, it didn’t have to be as grueling on me emotionally. Here’s what I would do differently:

1. I wouldn’t be a hero. You don’t have to do this on your own to prove your parenting ability to anyone. Delay being alone with your new baby as long as possible, and minimize how often you’re alone during the first 4 months. Other cultures have entire tribes sharing the parenting responsibility, but somewhere we got the idea that doing it alone is necessary. So much learning is taking place, and the curve is very steep. Even if everything is going well and your baby has very few adjustment issues, the weight of this new responsibility is intense. Just having someone in the house (your partner, a friend or family member, a night nanny), even if you don’t wind up needing any tangible help from them, can keep you calm and grounded.

2. I would talk through my fears with someone I trust, fast. Things rattling around in your head have a tendency to get bigger when they’re not shared. I didn’t realize how much fear I was sitting in until Val’s comment alerted me to it, which got the ball rolling. I acknowledged what was going on for me emotionally, opened up about it, and ultimately got the extra support I needed.

3. I would tell guilt to go to hell. I experienced so much pointless self-doubt and incrimination. I was convinced my daughter’s distress was my fault: not enough milk, not enough nurturing, and on really wacky nights, some sort of karmic backlash. Crap! All of it! She had colic! During the first few months, I recommend daily giving yourself a pass. Do everything you can to keep your baby and yourself safe and healthy, get help when you need it, and consider letting the rest go.

Here’s To Sanity and Tribes,

Cheryl

6 Pointers for the Duke & Duchess – Or ANY Couple Expecting Their Second Child :: Tuesday Tip

January 13, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Let me be clear. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have not asked for my parenting pointers. In fact, you’re probably thinking that the last thing they need is my advice, being that they have a personal nanny and plenty of family support on board. Nevertheless — I think that Kate and William wipe snotty noses and get up for night feedings just like the rest of us. And because I wish someone had given me more information about what it’s like to be a parent of two, I’m sharing a few unsolicited words of warning, available to any and all expectant parents who are preparing for a second birth:

1. You might curse yourself for having two children so close in age, and then pat yourself on the back for the very same thing later. For the next year, it will be a little bit intense around the palace. Instead of double the work, it will feel like triple or quadruple the effort. Lots of crying, plenty of spills, a ton of diapers. Not a lot of sleep. But later on, when your little tikes are best friends, you will be thrilled that you didn’t wait a day longer to introduce a second kid to your tribe. My suggestion: Fasten your seatbelt and get ready for a wild ride. It will become more and more enjoyable as the months tick by.

2. There may be moments when you don’t like your eldest child. Notice that I said like, not love. You will always love and cherish your firstborn. He is the one who launched your parenting adventure and the sentimental feelings run high. But when you place a toddler next to a tiny, precious newborn, the toddler often seems like a lumbering, clumsy giant who is determined to make your life challenging for an extended period of time. A toddler who is introduced to a new brother or sister often experiences a strange mixture of excitement and rage. Excitement that they have a new sibling and plaything. Rage that this new little creature needs a ton of mum’s attention. My suggestions: Know that your feelings of frustration with your eldest are normal and make sure to put aside one-on-one time with your little first-born. He will regain his adorable status in your eyes again soon.

3. There WILL be times when both children are screaming at the SAME time, and both want their mom (or mummy as little George probably calls the Duchess). Yes, you have a nanny, and a wonderful husband, and adoring grandparents, but there will be moments when both of those babies want their mother, and no one else will do. If you could cut yourself in half, you would. But since you can’t, here are my suggestions: Take a big breath, hand one of the crying creatures to another loving adult, and tend to one kiddo at a time. The other child will survive the brief absence of your attention and might even benefit from knowing that they have to share mummy’s time.

4. It may seem like you are never going to spend one-on-one time with your partner again, except when you are sleep-walking zombies, passing each other in the middle of the night. As I said in warning #1, things are going to be challenging for a little while and it will be tough to find time to connect with your partner without a little person attached at the hip. My suggestion: Find time with each other when you can. Plop down on the couch and watch an episode of Downton Abbey while holding hands, load the kids up in a double stroller and go for a walk in the garden or cuddle up in bed when your babies give you an hour or two to rest. You’ll be going on international adventures together before you know it, but for the first few months, your couple time is going to be slim.

5. You might feel more relaxed about the care of your second little one, and you might find yourself feeling a little guilty about that. After you have survived a year with an infant, you realize that they are not quite as fragile as they first seemed. It is common to feel more at ease with number two and more accepting of help and assistance. Since you have two kids to look after, you will not be able to give the second one the anxious, unwavering attention that you gave the first. My suggestion: You learned a lot with the baby number one, so don’t feel bad about putting your experience to use and relaxing a little more. Both kids will thrive even if the parenting they receive is slightly different.

6. You will look at your children a few years down the line, when they are attached at the hip and best friends, and be so glad that you opted to have two. There is nothing more heart-warming than seeing a pair of sweet siblings hold each other tight and pose for a photo. Or hearing them chat away in their double pram as you walk them down the path. Or seeing them stand up for each other against a big ol’ bully later on in life. You’ve made an excellent decision to have a second baby and you have a slew of amazing parenting moments ahead of you.

Take a big breath, get through these first few months, and then prepare to enjoy your growing family — you have some jolly good times ahead of you.

Here’s to Strength and Double Prams,

Kirsten

No Take Backs – 15 Ways To Keep Your “No” In Place :: Tuesday Tip

December 16, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Can you identify with this scenario? You need to say no. After agonizing, practicing a speech beforehand, and finally saying no, you immediately feel crappily guilt-ridden and take it back, then wind up agreeing to do even more than you were initially asked to. The reasons for our difficulty in setting limits are complicated, often stemming from early childhood . Maybe your family was controlling and didn’t allow you to say no, or you had parenting examples of adults who overextended themselves. Adding a new life to your family can bring your “no” problems into stark view, as you’re preparing to set new limits for your growing family, and for your baby, who is obviously incapable of doing so for herself. Here are 15 ways to help you keep your “no” in firm place:

Preparation:

Remind yourself of why you personally struggle with setting limits (you’re a “pleaser”, you’re afraid of the “b-word”, etc). This will help you rise above the present issue you’re saying no to, helping you separate your strong emotional drivers from the 10 dozen cupcakes you’ve been asked to bake.
Write down your top three reasons for saying no. Keep the short list close to you for retrieval after you’ve had your conversation.
Write down three things you’ll have time for that you personally want or need to do, once you say no to this other thing. Keep this list close by too.
Notice your physical state as you prepare. Does the very thought make your breathing irregular and your pulse race? This is sign that you’re tapping into some old internal issues. Go back to #2.
Take a few moments before making the call, or sending the email or text to breathe deeply into your belly. Pull in as much fresh air as you can take, hold it for a couple of beats, then let it allllll out. Repeat 5 times minimum. Being physically grounded will help immensely.

Action:

If you’re saying no to someone who doesn’t respond well (is passive-aggressive, frowns, glares, yells, manipulates, etc), remind yourself of this truth, “It’s okay that I’m saying no to this person. I care about her, but her negative reactions to it are not my responsibility.”
Look down at your two lists. Touch them, smile at them, thank them for being there. If the conversation is in person, have them in your pocket and give them a little stealth pat.
Take a break. Very little in life is actually urgent enough to demand an immediate answer. If you start feeling flooded and tempted to take it all back, excuse yourself from the conversation, hit the restroom and repeat your five breaths.
Focus your attention on your two strong, pretty feet. Notice those firmly planted feet on the ground, imagining the guilty feelings and pressure you’re experiencing as wind swirling around you. It’s not strong enough to throw you off.
Guilt and shame rising up? Consider them growing pains. You’re strengthening a new muscle, and healthy growth is often best friends with soreness.

Post-Op:

Repeat your five breaths.
Immediately grab your lists of why you decided to say no, and what you’ve gained by having done so. Read them again and again.
If you feel tempted to take back your no, call a supportive friend or your partner instead, processing it and asking for some encouragement/reassurance that you did the right thing for yourself and/or your family.
Remind yourself of the reality you’d like to live, in which you could give of your time and resources from a place of generosity and love, instead of guilt and control.
Listen to this.

Here’s to Sanity and Little Stealth Pats,

Cheryl

Just Say No to Holiday Stress :: Tuesday Tip

December 2, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

I frequently get asked if my counseling practice slows down during the holidays. The answer is No. The holiday season is notorious for being a stressful time and my clients can attest to that. Expectations are sky-high, schedules are jam-packed and family members get testy as a result of all the togetherness. Even I can feel bogged down by my mile-long To-Do list that does anything but put me in the holiday spirit.

When my husband and I started a family, I assumed that my babies were going to hand me a one-way ticket to holiday bliss. I couldn’t wait to introduce them to all of the little traditions that I remembered from childhood. My littles clearly did not feel the urgency that I did. In spite of the calendar indicating that it was a very special day, our boys still required naps, still got the sniffles, still had nuclear meltdowns and still got into squabbles. I quickly realized that I needed to simplify the holidays more than ever in order to maximize enjoyment and minimize stress.

When you are a new parent, here are some things you might want to Just Say NO To:

Traveling back and forth between separate family events on the same day.
Lugging the whole family to faraway destinations to celebrate with distant relatives.
Feeling like you have to keep up with everybody’s extravagant gift giving. (Consider asking friends and family to set a price limit, do a gift exchange or skip gifts for adults all together.)
Hosting the whole clan at your house (including your single neighbor and your Great Aunt Marge) on the big day.
Wanting your home to look like it popped out of a Better Homes & Gardens magazine.
Cooking the turkey, dressing and pies all by yourself for your holiday meal. (Consider catering or potluck.)
Sending out perfectly designed holiday cards with matching address labels.
Feeling like you have to shower your young children (who aren’t even quite sure what is going on) with loads of presents.
Thinking that everyone’s holiday is merrier than yours. (Cuz it isn’t.)
Having breakable ornaments or decorations anywhere within reach of your toddler, because they WILL be shattered.
Participating in any activity or event that you don’t find completely delicious.

I’m going to insert a big UNLESS here. Say ‘no’ to all of the above UNLESS one or more of the activities bring you joy. I’ll give you an example: Cheryl is a superb cook (as you can probably tell from the Foodie section on our blog) and truly enjoys preparing a feast. I, on the other hand, am no Julia Child and would much rather kick my feet up on the sofa with some spiked eggnog and A Christmas Story playing in the background. While Cheryl might say ‘yes’ to hosting a big holiday meal and might even do most of the cooking herself (and might create a spread worthy of the royal family), I am more likely to head to my parents’ house or ask everyone to contribute a dish. Say ‘yes’ to what makes you happy and ‘no’ to anything that sounds draining. You have our permission.

Other things to consider Just Saying YES To:

Structuring your schedule around your baby’s sleeping and eating routines so you don’t have a grumpy child the rest of the holiday.
Staying home if you want to. (Being a new parent is a great excuse. Use it!)
Starting small family traditions that will stick in your children’s head more than any gift will. (Examples: We fix a big Christmas brunch and stay in our pajamas most of the day. We love looking at neighborhood lights in a convertible mustang with hot cocoa. I awkwardly play holiday music on the piano while my kids throw out exaggerated groans. Some of our friends set up a puzzle on a card table or go see a movie.)
Pushing the commercialism aside and reminding yourself and your kids about why the holiday was created in the first place.
Maintaining realistic expectations of the day. Your little ones don’t have a built-in calendar app in their head. Expect them to still act like kids.

I have to admit that our holidays have become more and more enjoyable as my boys have gotten older. They anticipate the holidays with excitement, they look forward to our silly little traditions and they keep their hands off the delicate tree ornaments. (Yes, this can be a reality for you too.) But they still end up in occasional fist fights or start the “I’m booooored” chant in the afternoon. When you have kids, your holidays might look like any other day with a handful of sparkly extras. Enjoy the sparkle and try to roll with the rest.

Here’s to Sanity and The Christmas Story,

Kirsten