WELLNESS - Part 2

Why Am I Crying? :: Monday Musing

October 28, 2014 By: babyproofedparents6 Comments

A few days ago, I opened up one of those “iPhone auto-correct text mishaps” posts on the Internet, and within seconds, I was laughing so hard, I had tears running down my face. Real, wet-my-cheeks tears. This sensation of crying – without understanding what the heck I was crying about – immediately brought me back to my days of pregnancy and new motherhood. Looking back, I probably could have filled a salt-water aquarium with all of the prenatal and postpartum tears I shed.

Prior to having pregnancy hormones coursing through my body, I rarely cried in front of others. I actually took pride in the fact that I maintained a rather poker-faced exterior. My husband affectionately nicknamed me the Ice Princess (this was pre-Elsa, mind you) because the saddest, most sentimental movie couldn’t get me to tear up. The Notebook had nothing on me. I maintained this silly determination to stay dry-eyed.

All bets were off after I became pregnant. You only had to give me a sappy American Idol episode, a baby food commercial, or a mention of pregnancy from a passing stranger and I was immediately boo-hooing. When my baby arrived, the crying increased. I experienced tears of astonishment and joy as I stared at the amazing little creature in my arms. Tears over how damn hard a natural thing like breastfeeding seemed to be. Tears because I was sleep-deprived and, let’s face it, a little delirious. Happy and sad and exhausted tears. Not to mention the tears frequently coming from my newborn’s little eyes. We went from a quiet, stoic house to a home of sniffles and Kleenex.

So what was all this crying about? It turns out that the extremely small, almond-sized hypothalamus, which is at the core of our reptilian brain, can’t really tell the difference between being happy, sad, overwhelmed or stressed. It just knows when it is getting a strong, emotional signal and in turn, triggers our parasympathetic system, which then triggers our tear ducts. If you think about the times when you are crying, it is usually when you are having an overwhelmingly strong emotion. The tears almost act as an overflow valve, releasing some of your emotional tension and allowing your body to rest and reset. Add hormones and sleep-deprivation to already intense emotions, and the flood gates are open for business.

From a psychological and social perspective, the researcher, Dr. Oren Hasson argues that the act of crying demonstrates vulnerability. It helps people to trust and feel sympathy for you. Crying also communicates that you crave attachment. Hmmm…. I think he just perfectly described the needs of new parents and babies, don’t you?

For me, becoming a parent kicked my parasympathetic system into high gear… and it never turned off. Despite my pregnancy hormones being long gone and my kids growing older, I am still easily brought to tears, and I don’t try to hide them now. Vulnerability is currently my middle name. Our children get to cry openly and loudly. We should allow ourselves to let it go as well, whether we are laughing hysterically, feeling deeply touched or just plain sad. Crying is innately human and nothing to be ashamed of. When you are an expectant or new parent you might find yourself doing a lot of it. Just think of it as a pressure valve that is allowing you to release some steam and heaviness, calm your body and then move forward.

If you’re looking for a release right now, check out that humor post I was talking about, 35 of the Most Concerning Auto-Correct Fails of All Time. Be Warned: May contain 7th-grade-boy-level laughs, profanity, and just possibly, a few tears.

Here’s to Sanity and Kleenex,

Kirsten

Can I Do This? Facing Parenting Inadequacy Anxiety :: Monday Musing

October 13, 2014 By: babyproofedparents4 Comments

Kirsten’s awesome anxiety tip made a visual pop into my head: a big deck of gross cards, representing the multiple anxieties I had/have about motherhood. It took me a long time to connect with any sort of desire to have children, and when that drive finally became strong enough to push me through the intense fears that had repressed it, I struggled with infertility for over a year before getting pregnant. I had a little time to stack quite a few things to worry about. One of the biggest was in the form of a loaded question: Will I Suck as a Mom?

Most women I’m close with are naturally maternal, and always have been. Genetic’s tendency to skip certain people when handing out qualities, combined with the specifics of my childhood rendered me not naturally maternal. Growing up, my friends sweetly swaddled, fed and held their baby dolls, while mine dressed provocatively, drove around in my shoes (excellent barbie cars on a budget) and reenacted screaming matches between Erica and Palmer from “All My Children.” While I was still light years from wanting a baby, 7 of my close friends got pregnant within a year of each other. I watched each of their journeys, and the beautiful ways they stayed anchored to their natural maternal instincts through all of the struggles they experienced. I scanned myself for such an anchor, and felt lost.

It gets even more messed up. Anxiety has a way of dipping into your past and finding memories/connections to build its strength. It’s as if the anxiety tries to build a “factual” case to support and inflate itself. In third grade science, we had a classroom pet hamster who was pregnant. Our teacher suggested we have a prize drawing for which lucky students would get to take home the babies when they were old enough to become pets. This beautiful lesson on the magic of reproductivity went very wrong, when we arrived at school one morning greeted with the news that the night before, the mother hamster had given birth, and had then eaten her babies. “This is just what happens in the animal kingdom sometimes,” my distraught teacher explained to our open-mouthed, shocked faces.

To be clear – I wasn’t afraid I would eat my babies. But this harrowing memory linked up and added some emotional intensity to my very real fears about motherhood: that I would repeat painful patterns from my childhood with my own children, that I would not be naturally maternally strong enough to get through all of the transitions of parenting, that I wouldn’t be able to bond properly, that I just wouldn’t love them enough.

It took time for everything to warm up in me. I had to have help. I had to be honest with myself and with people close to me. I had to act “as if” I was naturally maternal, until I became naturally maternal. Holy crap, I love these kids. So much that it’s sometimes direct sunlight painful to look at them. I have fear to thank for that.

Ahhhh, anxiety. Our constant, faceted companion. I have learned to appreciate one thing about it. It forces awareness. We all have blind spots, which make us human, and sometimes unexpectedly surface and face-plant trip us. Anxiety has a way of pulling things out of blindness, flooding them with light, sound and imagery. In this way, it preempts and dramatically reduces the risk that you’ll actually make the mistakes you fear. The trick is to then turn down the volume on your fears so you can focus on what’s in front of you, and avoid overcorrecting. Although with love, maybe overcorrecting is kind of okay.

Here’s to Sanity and Hamsters,

Cheryl

Shooing Away Anxiety :: Tuesday Tip

October 7, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

The Internet is packed with articles teaching readers how to “tame the anxiety monster” or “slay the anxiety dragon”. I personally think of anxiety as an annoying honey bee that won’t leave you alone. It buzzes in your ear, it follows you around and just when you have something really sweet going on in your life, it wants to latch on to you. Bees come in swarms and so do worries. They tend to build on each other and multiply. Very rarely do honey bees actually sting. And very rarely do the things that you are feeling anxious about actually come to fruition. But just the threat of being stung is enough to make you feel edgy and nervous.

I see a lot of anxiety issues in my counseling practice. Expectant moms (and dads!) often worry about whether the pregnancy and birth will go smoothly, and then whether they will be a good parent. Here’s what I explain: When you are expecting or caring for a baby, it is somewhat natural to notice an increase in anxiety. Think about it… you and your partner are creating, and then raising, a little person. That is a BIG responsibility and it is normal to feel a little nervous about it. In some ways the added anxiety is your brain’s way of gearing up for all of the responsibilities of being a parent. Your hormones are on high alert, your sleep is most likely disturbed, and your fight or flight response is in full effect. All possible threats and worse case scenarios seem like very real possibilities. Mama Bear is wide awake and ready to swat any bees that get too close to her cubs. The trick is to keep the anxiety in check and drown out the buzzing so that you can remain calm and focused on the many tasks ahead of you:

Here are five ways to shoo away that buzzing bee of anxiety:

1. Bring yourself back to the here and now: If you take note of what you are feeling anxious about, it is usually in connection to events that haven’t occurred yet. Your imagination is doing a number on you by creating multiple “what if” scenarios. By bringing your focus back to what is happening in the present moment, you can often quiet the nervous chatter. One way to do this is by practicing mindfulness, a simple technique that helps you slow your breathing, take in all sensory data, notice your thoughts without judgement and then bring your attention back to the present. Want more info on mindfulness? Go to this link: helpguide.org.

2. Focus on what you can control: Most of us spend a lot of time fretting over things that are out of our control. It’s exhausting, because we literally can’t do anything about these situations. Letting go of the things you are powerless over and making a list of the things you are doing well or purposefully (which is typically a heck of a lot!) can help you to feel more empowered and less vulnerable.

3. Feel prepared: Information is power. I recommend that you go to the childbirth classes, read the parenting books, and soak in all of the info. The more prepared you feel, the more equipped you will be to deal with whatever comes your way. There’s one caveat: avoid the sections of the books or websites in which they list everything that can possibly go wrong. As I mentioned in the first tip, it is better to focus on what is happening now than to worry about what could be.

4. Take note of what works for you: There are times when individuals feel generalized anxiety, that they just can’t pin on any one thing. That is when self-care activities are especially handy. Not every technique works for every person. Experiment and find out what has the most soothing effect on you. Some options are:

deep breathing
exercise (walking or yoga are favorites)
writing
warm baths
massage
talking to a friend
laughing
prayer or meditation
practicing mindfulness
listening to a guided relaxation recording (I included a favorite below.)
natural anxiety-reducing supplements (which you should always clear with your health care provider)
and in some cases, good ol’ distraction

5. Know when to seek help: Extreme anxiety is nothing to laugh at. Sometimes it can grow to the point where you are having a hard time eating, sleeping or just plain functioning. You might even be having destructive or suicidal thoughts. Any of these conditions indicate that it is time to reach out for extra help and assistance. Talk to your doctor or find a qualified therapist who can help you to sort through your anxiety and determine the best course of action. You do not have to cope on your own!

Here’s the cool thing about being a parent. More often than not, you only face a few challenges at a time. First pregnancy, then the birth, then breastfeeding, then sleep. Somewhere down the line you deal with toddler tantrums. Later on, you have a defiant teenager. You get the picture, the challenges come slowly and gradually. Unlike a beekeeper who has to maintain her zen as she walks into a swarm of bees, a parent only has to deal with a few challenges or obstacles at a time. So shoo that anxiety bee away and tell it go make some honey. You have some parenting and self-care to attend to.

Here’s to Sanity and Beekeeping,

Kirsten

As promised, here is a link to the guided relaxation CD that I listened to approximately one million times when I was pregnant, and then maybe a couple more times when I was a new parent. It is so soothing and lovely, it practically put me to sleep every time. Side 1 is for expectant mamas who want to prepare for childbirth. Side 2 is for new parents who need some relaxation. Enjoy!

A Crack In My Armor :: Monday Musing

September 29, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

You’re a real trooper.

I love receiving that compliment and I’m known to frequently dole it out myself.

Other versions of it go something like this: You’re a hoss. You’re super tough. You roll with the punches and keep on rolling.

When I hear these affirmations, I envision a thick-skinned warrior woman, covered in armor. No obstacle can get in her way. She is invincible.

My first pregnancy set me up to achieve full “trooper” status. Aside from experiencing some morning sickness and heartburn, the nine months flew by without incident and ended in a birth that went miraculously as planned. Morphing into a new mom wasn’t quite as seamless, but after I figured out breastfeeding and sleeping, I shifted things into cruise control and focused on falling in love with my new little guy. And fall in love I did.

I’ve got this pregnancy and motherhood thing down, I thought. I’m a real trooper.

When I became pregnant with Baby #2, small cracks began appearing in my armor. This time the path to parenthood wasn’t so smooth. The pregnancy was stressful – a diagnosis of placenta previa, three deaths in our extended family and a little toddler with sensory issues who wanted to prove that the Two’s really are Terrible. When the due date came and went – and then went a little further – our doctor made the decision to induce. My water was broken, the pitocin was pumped into me and that sweet little baby practically rocketed out of my body. I was left feeling drained and wary, unsure if I was ready to care for two babies under the same roof.

As I’ve written before, our challenges did not end there. Our two-week-old baby boy was diagnosed with a medical condition that sent us back to the hospital for observation and surgery. Ten days later, my little newborn and I received the great news that we could return home. But honestly, there was a part of me that didn’t want to leave the hospital, a part that was scared to manage my sickly newborn and testy toddler on my own.

I wanted to be a trooper. I wanted to roll with the punches and keep on smiling. Looking back, I was terribly depressed and not coping very well. I cried a lot during the first few months of being a mother of two. When my husband would come home after a 12-hour work shift, he often found me standing in the driveway, shoulders slumped, desperate for relief. Occasionally, while sitting on a girlfriend’s couch or hovering on a phone call, I would let my guard down and let the tears flow. Most of the time, I tucked my emotions in close and put on an act that I had everything under control. Put on an act that I wasn’t struggling with postpartum depression.

If I could hop in a time machine and go back to that year, I would sit myself down and have a stern talk. “Listen here girlfriend, you don’t have to be so strong. And you definitely don’t have to do this all on your own. Now is not the time to be a trooper and to maintain an illusion of perfection. Now is the time to reach out for help and say, THIS IS HARD, damn it.”

“And let me tell you something else,” I would add before jumping back in the time machine with a flourish. “It won’t always be this hard. Bit by bit, it will get easier and you’ll get your snap back. You’ll go back to work. You’ll go out on the town. You’ll even co-create a super cool blog (wink, wink). But right now, it is hard. So let’s take off the Wonder Woman costume and call in the troops. That’s an order!”

And back to the future, I would zoom.

The saying goes that “the shoemaker’s son has no shoes.” Well in my case, the counselor didn’t get counseling. If I had to do it again, I would pile on the help and support so high, I would be drowning in it.

Being a trooper is an admirable thing, but being a new parent who acknowledges when she or he is struggling and seeks help is even more admirable. When you have a new baby, there is no better time to give your armor, your shields and your weapons a rest and call in reinforcement. Let others hold down the fort and sometimes hold the baby. Let others prepare the meals and maybe wash the dishes. Let others care for you so that you can care for your kids. I definitely wish I had.

Here’s to Sanity and Time Machines,

Kirsten

3 Ways to Get Your Post-Natal Snap Back :: Tuesday Tip

September 23, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

About 6 months into my daughter’s life, I still felt tired, fried and puffy-eyed, while she thrived, rosy-cheeked, done with colic and ready to explore. She was sleeping through the night, and most nights I was too. We had breast feeding down, most of my anxiety had subsided and I had returned to work part-time. Our little routine seemed iron-clad. So why did I still feel so crappy?

Once a week, my next-door-neighbor and I would hang out between our houses to share a brew after our babies were down for the night. Her youngest was 2, and she seemed to have it so together. I asked her when she got her snap back, and she laughed, responding, “Ummm, ‘snap’? I STILL don’t have it back!” This helped me more than she knew. She had normalized how long it seemed to be taking me to feel like myself again.

You WILL get yourself back, but it’s a gradual process. It’s like coming out of a depression. You don’t just wake up one morning and think, “Phew – glad that’s over! I’m so HAPPY now!” Recovery is a slow reclamation of small joys. You catch yourself singing along to the radio, savoring the smell from the taco truck of onions cooking, catching your image in the mirror and thinking, “Damn, girl!” Bit by bit, snap returns. As your little one begins to develop a sense of herself, you also REgain a sense of yourself.

Here are three practical ways to speed up the process:

Schedule a Girl’s Night Out. Choose a new restaurant or bar you’ve wanted to try, and get dressed UP. Go out, laugh, relax, and talk about non-parenting things. Be a woman and friend instead of a partner and mommy. A few hours of time with girlfriends, even if only once a month can make a huge difference. Dads/Parenting Partners – do this for yourselves too! You need time away to regroup and remind you of life beyond your baby.
Schedule a pampering treatment. Get a massage, pedicure or facial – something that relaxes you and helps you feel pretty. Treat yourself to a new outfit that fits and looks gorgeous NOW. There’s a road of fit between maternity and pre-pregnancy clothes. Don’t deprive yourself of new things while your body readjusts post-baby, especially if you’re planning on having more.
Take note of even the tiniest physical and emotional improvements you feel. Did you get a full night’s sleep, without waking up to check on your sleeping baby? Did you feel the energy to walk a little further with the stroller? Did you double over laughing at a story a friend shared with you? Did you find yourself in the mood for sex with your partner? Good job, Mama. Mark it.

Looking back, the first noticeable reemergence of “me” occurred around my babies reaching 4 months of age. My kids are now 3 and 5, and I still find myself recovering layers of strength and energy. Hang in there. The road back to yourself can take time, but it’s a beautiful one.

Here’s to Sanity and GNO,

Cheryl

Losing The Weight of Toxic Secrets :: Monday Musing

September 15, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

We’ve all got secrets, and the varieties are endless:

Things we carry for others.
Things we’ve done that we wish we could undo.
Things we’re doing we wish we could stop.
Things others have done to us.

Our motivations for keeping secrets vary too:

Risk to ourselves: career loss, relationship loss, reputation damage.
More risk to ourselves: we’ve been physically or emotionally blackmailed into hiding the truth.
Risk to others: knowing the truth would hurt them emotionally or physically.
More risk to others: the truth would damage their reputations, relationships or status in their families.

Before having my babies, I once carried a secret for 2 years. I was certain if I revealed what I’d done, it would damage every aspect of my life. In the name of protecting myself and people I cared deeply about, I swallowed it and convinced myself I’d never tell. The sensations I experienced physically and emotionally are as empathically close as I’ve come to what cancer might feel like. It was devouring me. I started having dizzy spells, the worst of which made me miss the toilet and land on my ass in a public restroom – quite the reflection of my mental and emotional state. I had backed myself into a corner – to tell felt supremely scary and selfish, but to not tell was putting me in peril. In his book Family Secrets, John Bradshaw writes, “…there is a risk in disclosing [secrets]. But to do nothing is also to take a risk.”

All secrets are baggage. Some aren’t that heavy. We carry them like fanny packs (so stylish!), and they don’t seem to get in the way. Others flux – sometimes they feel light, but sometimes, when we really think about them, they weigh a Samsonite ton. The worst are the kind that wake you up at night, sit like a cinder block on your chest, cut off your air supply and separate you from people and things you love.

Nesting is a huge part of preparing for a new baby. Expectant parents clean, paint, purge and purchase in an effort to make their physical spaces perfect. But what about emotional preparation? Looking back, I can’t fathom how I would have survived the first years of my kids’ lives if I’d also been trying to hide. You are about to turn your body and your life inside out, and the less baggage you carry on the way in, the more agile you’ll be. Scan yourself for things you’ve buried too long. If you don’t have a close friend or family member to trust, a good therapist can be your vault, carrying the burden alongside you while you figure out what to do with it. The relief that comes with telling can render you stronger than you could have imagined.

Here’s To Sanity and Freedom,

Cheryl

4 Ways to Write Your Worries :: Tuesday Tip

September 9, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

Ever feel like you have so many things on your mind, your head is about to explode? I call them Linda Blair moments. I had one last week. I was standing in the middle of my kitchen and felt like my head was spinning out of control, Exorcist-style. I couldn’t figure out what to do first: fold laundry, respond to e-mail, make dinner, schedule a doctor’s appointment, and the list went on … When my head stopped spinning long enough to take action, I grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled out a massive ‘To Do’ list. Everything and anything that was on my mind went down on that paper. I immediately felt a release of tension and a weight lifted off my shoulders. The number of to-do’s hadn’t changed; I just didn’t have to think about them non-stop. They were residing on that piece of paper, not going anywhere and I could tackle them one at a time.

According to neuroscientists, humans think anywhere from 12,000 to 50,000 thoughts per day. I’d be willing to bet that parents think even more. The researchers also claim that up to 98 percent of our daily thoughts are the same ones we had the day before! It’s like having the most annoying CD you can think of, on repeat, in your car stereo, on a 12 hour road trip. No fun. Grabbing a notebook, or a laptop, and downloading your thoughts can help you to clear your head space and move forward with your day. Here’s four ideas for putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and ending the never-ending loop of misery:

Write Your To-Do List: As I described earlier, I’m a big list maker. When I take the time to write out everything I want to accomplish, it helps me to organize my week. It also helps me to focus on one task as a time instead of fretting about all 30 items on my list. My favorite part? Taking a highlighter and crossing completed items off the list. Even the smallest tasks (ie. cleaning out my son’s sock drawer) can feel like a major accomplishment.

Write Your Thoughts: When I bring up journaling with my clients who are struggling with anxiety or depression, most of them say, “Oh, I’ve tried that and I couldn’t stick with it.” That’s when I encourage them to try again. I explain that I’m not asking them to pen an Ann-Frank-style diary that is gorgeously written and going to be published later. We’re talking about pulling out a notebook, a scrap of paper, or a computer and just letting it all out, free-association-style. If you’re worried about something, write. If you’re so excited that you can’t go to sleep, write. Getting the thoughts out of your brain and onto paper will help you to release the tension and might even help you to gain perspective. Journaling is also a healthy and low-cost alternative to addictive behaviors and toxic distractions. You don’t have to write every day… just write when your brain tells you that you need to. And then save it, rip it up, read it to a friend or burn it. Whatever feels right to you.

Write Your Trauma: Just down from the street from us, at UT Austin, Dr. James Pennebaker has been conducting research for years on the positive impacts of journaling, especially for individuals suffering from PTSD. His program, Writing to Heal, is based on the premise that journaling can be even more effective than counseling in many cases. (Bad news for my profession but great news for anyone who has experienced trauma.) If you were an abused child, a soldier in the trenches, or a mother who has endured a difficult birth or a colicky baby, you might find that writing about your experience will help you to process it, purge it and move forward. Want more info? Click here for a great article about Dr. Pennebaker and his Writing to Heal suggestions. (Quick caveat: If your gut tells you that writing about a past trauma might bring up heavy emotions or flashbacks, I encourage you to schedule with an experienced therapist before diving into your memories.)

Write Your Gratitudes: At times, we have so many negative thoughts occupying our brains, it can be hard to squeeze in the positive. Getting in the habit of writing (or typing) a list of things you are thankful for can help you to find your footing and even change your perspective. Almost always, when we start listing them, our gratitudes outweigh our complaints and concerns. Inserting little positive reminders into our thought patterns can help us to feel less burdened by the negative.

Cheryl and I both love to write. Cheryl carries beautifully bound notebooks with her at all times, filled with pages of deep thoughts, doodles and lists. I’m more of a “pull a piece of paper out of the recycling bin and find a crayon” kind of gal. It doesn’t matter how you do it, just do it. You’ll find that writing is one of the most beneficial self-care activities you can indulge in. It’s free, it’s portable and it’s therapeutic. You can’t get much better than that.

Here’s to sanity and Linda Blair,

Kirsten

Unmet Expectations – 3 Ways to Cope with Parenting Disappointments :: Tuesday Tip

August 26, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

A lot of moms and partners experience some sort of let down during pregnancy, birth and the first few months with their newborns. Maybe you hoped to have a girl, and felt a twinge when you got the ultrasound results. Maybe breastfeeding was insanely difficult, and you had to switch to formula sooner than you’d planned. Maybe you went in ready for a vaginal delivery, and ended up having a c-section. Maybe you thought your newborn would be a sleeping angel, but he turned out to be a very active night owl. Even the most flexible people have at least a vague idea of how they’d like things to go, and when those hopes and expectations aren’t met, it’s very normal to feel at least a little sad and/or angry. Although we’re usually pretty good at normalizing other people’s struggles, many of us experience guilt when it’s our turn to face our own version of disappointment.

Disappointment, when it’s left bottled up, can make you more susceptible to depression and/or anxiety, so it’s very important to acknowledge it. A common reframe we use in Therapy World is this: “What would you say to a friend who was experiencing the same thing?” Almost always, the answer is some version of this: “I’d tell them I’m sorry it happened that way. I’d hug them and tell them it’s okay to be sad.” I never hear, “What’s wrong with you? Get a grip! What do you have to be upset about?” It feels terrible to even write words like that – I can’t imagine saying them to someone. Yet, somehow, it’s very easy to say to myself when I’m going through difficult emotions.

Here are some strategies for airing out the inevitable changes in your best laid plans, for any stage of parenting:

Prepare as much as you can mentally for the reality that not everything will go according to plan. Try to “hold on loosely” to your visions of pregnancy, birth and the postpartum months.
Let it flow. If you notice anger or sadness welling up over unmet expectations, allow yourself a good cry, an intense journal entry, or a venting session with a trusted friend or therapist.
Once you’ve allowed yourself to feel your feelings, use gentle methods to redirect yourself and assimilate the change. Instead of saying, “Snap out of it!”, try reflecting on something positive. My midwife used to remind me that “chaos creates new flow,” and I still grab for that phrase when I’m going through a change in plans.

Here’s To Sanity and Flow,

Cheryl

Emotionally Constipated? Repression’s Impact On Parenting :: Monday Musing

August 18, 2014 By: babyproofedparents6 Comments

I know the movie “Frozen” has created a somewhat disturbing obsession, but bear with me. I resisted it for a long time, but when a blue-eyed five-year-old is begging you…. Luckily, she was on my lap and couldn’t see my intense emotional reactions. Contorted face, holding back big sobs. Seeing a female character, a cartoon at that, struggling to allow herself to feel anything other than fear or shame was so refreshingly painful. “Conceal, don’t feel.” Oh, Elsa. I get you. There’s been progress, but emotions still seem divided along gender lines. Most men feel they are only allowed to express anger, holding all else inside. Women are often viewed as emotional, irrational and in need of containment, and if they express anger, it’s a problem.

My parents were raised in the post-depression era, in very sparse conditions. Their families were too busy surviving to discuss or express feelings. I grew up watching my mother choke back hard-earned tears, steeling her jaw and optimistic resolve against any emotions that seemed messy or useless. Add to that thrice weekly trips to our church, where flawless, “I’m Okay, You’re Okay” appearances were key. I internalized this message: expressing or even feeling emotion is not allowed, and it will hurt those around you. This internalized message has definitely NOT served me well.

My therapist explained it like this: when painful or exciting things happen, your humanity naturally burns with anger or or sadness or joy. Feelings well up like a wave, and in emotionally healthy people, that wave rolls through and resolves. Naturally. In people who repress, the wave crashes against a wall of shame, which tells them it’s not okay to feel or express the feelings. The feeling wave churns there in a circle against the shame wall. The wave can’t complete, so it just stays, and stays, and stays. The water stagnates, turns into depression and/or anxiety, and can lead to numbing addictions and NOT being down with O.P.E. (Other Peoples’ Emotion). The worst part is that people who repress often have no idea they’re doing it.

Pregnancy and birth shattered my repression tendencies. I was six months pregnant, and about to celebrate my birthday at a favorite coffee shop. My sweet friend Val was driving us, and she accidentally closed the car door on my fingers. It hurt, but not THAT bad. The little bit of physical pain made something break inside me, releasing a ton of pent up feeling. I could NOT stop crying. Beautifully empathic Val started crying too, and it took everything I had to pull it together in time for my little party. Arriving puffy eyed and mascara streaked, I was on the verge of tears the entire day.

“Fear? Grief? Pain? Chaos? With THIS awesome dress and precision haircut? I think not…”

Then came birth. When my first contraction hit, it felt like this: “WWWWHHHHAAAAMMMMMMM!!!!!” My repression brain kicked into gear and said, “Oh dear. That smarts just a bit. Well, this must just be how these things go. Nothing to fret about.” This denial was the frame from which I called my midwife. In a breezy tone, I announced that I’d begun labor. She told me I’d be in this stage for a long time, and suggested that I try to get some sleep. 2 hours and 45 minutes later, my daughter completed her precipitous swan dive through my body (as I screamed, literally running in circles from the pain like the Tasmanian Devil). She landed safely in my midwife’s hands, who had arrived just 4 minutes prior. This event force-opened my eyes wide to the impact denial and repression can have on parenting. My unhealthy ability to repress my feelings, intuition and physical sensations could have put both me and my baby in danger.

I have worked hard to overcome repression. I tell myself it’s okay to feel my feelings and make space for them, even when they can’t come. I fight my hard-wired reflex to say to others, “Stop feeling so much. Because it makes me so uncomfortable. Because I am so uncomfortable with my own feelings.”

I sit in sessions, awe-struck by clients who let go with me, crying or yelling or seething with jealousy. I feel intense gratitude for the trust and vulnerability they give me. My son unleashes when he’s angry or sad or hurt, howling like an animal. I scoop him up and hold him close. My daughter hides when she’s upset. I respect her space, but go just to the edge of it to remind her she’s not alone. I squeeze her tight when she’s ready to reconnect. I want my clients to feel safe with me. I want my kids to feel safe with me. I want my friends to feel safe with me. I want to feel safe.

To feel is to be real. See what happens.

Cheryl

Featured photo copyright: bowie15 / 123RF Stock Photo

Delicious Laundry :: Tuesday Tip

July 15, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

Hang out with other mom and dad bloggers on Twitter for a day and you’ll pick up on an amusing theme. A noticeable percentage of tweets have to do with the subject of… wait for it… laundry. Piles of laundry, loads of laundry, drowning in laundry. Even Cheryl and I have penned a few 140 character quotes about the subject. Super funny ones, I might add. Twitter is overflowing with great parenting links and hilarious toddler quotes. But I’m not kidding when I say that a sizable portion of groans revolve around the subject of washing clothes.

I get it. As my family has expanded, the amount of laundry has exploded. Washing, drying, and folding clothes has become a regular part of my daily schedule. IF I get to it. On the days I don’t get to it, my kids nickname the growing pile waiting to be folded, Mt. Underwear, and find it amusing to jump in the middle, coaxing the cat and dog to do the same – creating more dirty clothes to be washed. Lovely. I remind myself regularly that laundry is a First World Problem, but dang, if it isn’t a time consuming problem that eats up a ton of my day.

Which leads me to two other frequent Twitter subjects for parent bloggers: stress and exhaustion. Most moms and dads feel tired and overstretched – there are simply not enough hours in the day to get it all done. In a society that encourages individuals to have it all, do it all and yearn for more, we often feel saturated in clutter and an overly full calendar. Guilt and “should’s” cause us to hold on to activities and friendships that are more draining than energizing. We fill our lives, stomachs and day-timers with gunk that is not meaningful or balanced. The result? Our bodies and schedules get bloated by the extra weight we are carrying.

The anecdote for all of this busyness and stress is a concept that Cheryl and I refer to as the Delicious Philosophy. It goes something like this:

If we inserted “laundry” into the above flowchart, there would be some obvious answers: No, laundry is probably not delicious. Yes, you have to do it. But yes, you might be able to make it more delicious. I like to turn on NPR in the evening and have a big laundry folding session while my mind is being enriched. Other times I’ll flip on some tunes and invite my husband in to do some folding with me. A little linen date, you could say. Many of my friends commit to doing a quick load every evening, so that the laundry stays manageable. Of course, cleaning out your closets and drawers regularly can help. Do whatever you can to make the task more appealing.

The delicious decision matrix has infinite applications:

How many times do you eat something just because it is front of you, but not because it tastes great?
Do you have any relationships in your life that drain your energy more than contribute to it? Perhaps it is time to examine why you are holding on to them.
How about Facebook – are there connections that bring you down with toxic energy or negativity?
If you look at your calendar, are you committing to more than you have time for?

The more we clear the draining and unwanted clutter from our lives, the more energy we have for the things we have to do and for deliciousness.

You might be thinking, Well, chocolate is delicious. But you’re crazy if you think I can eat it for every meal. Right. In fact, if you had chocolate for every meal, it would probably lose some of its delicious qualities. Same goes for alcohol – too many drinks equal a hangover, and that is not very appealing. Moderation and balance are a natural part of this system. The point is to make more conscious decisions about what we consume and how we fill our daily lives.

Play with this concept for a while. Think about ways you can make the mundane activities in your life more tasty. And then think of any unsavory things that you can cut out. Spring is long gone, but it isn’t too late to do some spring cleaning and clearing. While you ponder that, I’m off to tackle Mt. Underwear, with Pandora playing in the background. Don’t want to let any dirty feet beat me to it.

Here’s to sanity and folding,

Kirsten

Take A Breather :: Tuesday Tip

May 20, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

Cheryl and I perfected the art of “leaning in” long before Sheryl Sanberg coined the phrase. With newborns on our laps, we would lean in real close and pick the brain of any experienced parent we could find, in order to get pointers and advice on how to raise these crying little creatures. Our friend, Mandy, was, and continues to be, a favorite lean-to source for parenting tips and wisdom. (Yes, the same Mandy behind our yummy meatball recipe and the same Mandy whom we will probably refer to 100 times over in this blog.) She was the first in our group of friends to have a baby. But more importantly, she is from Oklahoma… and people from Oklahoma just seem to radiate this rock solid, old-soul kind of vibe. It’s like they have compost running through their veins and wide-open plains occupying their uncluttered minds.

An Oklahoman mom with compost in her veins.

One afternoon while I was soaking up some of Mandy’s earthy wisdom, she began telling me stories about her Grandma Pat who raised five boys and one girl in a small Oklahoma town. “I was visiting with Grandma Pat one day,” Mandy shared, “And I said to her, ‘Grandma… you had six babies by the age of 30. I only have one and my head is spinning! How in the world did you manage?!’”

At this point in the conversation, I leaned in so far, I almost fell over into Mandy’s lap. I just knew that I was about to be on the receiving end of some amazing Oklahoma-bred parenting wisdom. If there had been a legal pad in my diaper bag, I probably would have whipped it out and started jotting down notes. But instead I just leaned forward and listened intently.

Mandy continued with her story, “My grandma replied, ‘Mandy…all these years folks have given me a hard time about my smoking…but I can tell you this…people sometimes lose it with their kids…but I never harmed a one of them.’”

Oh…

Grandma Pat smoked.

Mandy went on to explain that books were also a great escape for her grandma, and that she could still picture her sitting at the kitchen bar, sipping iced tea, absorbed in a great novel. But at this point in the conversation, I was stuck on the cigarette thing. And for the next five minutes, I strongly considered taking up smoking.

After coming to my senses, I realized that it wasn’t the cigarettes that saved Mandy’s grandma from parenting overload. (In fact, Mandy explained to me that smoking seriously harmed her grandma’s health in the end.) It was Grandma Pat’s ability to take breaks and breathers that helped her to raise those six kids. And she encouraged Mandy to do the same.

Breathers are essential for new and experienced parents alike. Grandma Pat got that one right. Regardless of how much you adore your little one, and regardless of how old that little one is, you will find the need for sanity breaks. These breathers look different for every one. One of my friends said that she would grab a magazine, announce that she needed to use the restroom, and maybe take a little more time than needed. Another friend would uncharacteristically volunteer to fill the car up with gas or walk the dog, anything to get out for a few minutes. When my own kids were ready to run errands with dad, my favorite breather involved sending my family out for a short adventure. I was left with a quiet house in which I could wash dishes and clear clutter in complete peace. Ahhh… heaven.

As your kids migrate through the toddler, preschooler and elementary stages, you will find that the need for breathers does not go away. And at times, you may find that it is impossible to get away. Here are some ideas for finding peace in those crazy-making moments:

5-5-5 Breathing: Inhale for five seconds, hold in your breath for five seconds, and then exhale for five seconds. Do this five times in a row. This exercise naturally slows your breathing, quiets your mind and calms the natural fight-or-flight reflex that accompanies stress. And you can do this anywhere, any time.
Trip to Tahiti: A holistic pharmacist that we know, Beth Shirley (or The Best Shirley, as we affectionately call her) taught us this trick. Lay on your back with your calves up on the couch for 15 minutes. Listen to relaxing music or just breathe. Inverting your body and letting the blood rush to your head will have a relaxing effect and give you a boost to continue your day.
Recorded Relaxation: Download a free 10 min guided relaxation or a brief yoga class. Even if you can’t sneak away to the gym or yoga studio, you can bring the mellowing benefits into your home, often for a very low price.

Find a breather that works for you, and don’t feel guilty about it. My friends and I are known to treat ourselves to a glass (or two) of wine and a long gab session. Other times we may briefly lose ourselves in a book and a cup of coffee. Whether you have six kids like Grandma Pat or one six-week-old baby, it is important to give yourself these tiny mental retreats. You can mark that down as Oklahoma parenting wisdom at its finest.

Here’s to sanity and compost,

Kirsten

Climbing Out Of The Darkness :: Wednesday Wisdom

May 14, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet A’Driane Nieves. She is a Postpartum Depression and Anxiety survivor who writes about navigating the nuances of motherhood and Bipolar Disorder Type 2. A’Driane is also a USAF disabled veteran, writer and artist best known for her love of Prince (He re-tweeted her once!), and her hot pink streaked afro. You can read her mind at her blog Butterfly-Confessions.com, and read her random thoughts on Twitter (@addyeB). She was most recently named one of BlogHer’s Voices of the Year for 2014. She lives in Austin, Texas with her futurist husband and three boys.

BPP: You have written extensively and beautifully about your battle with post-partum depression. Can you briefly share what living with PPD was like for you?

AD: For me, living with PPD was like living in a dark room that you’re constantly stumbling around in, trying to find a light switch. At the same time, I felt like I was sitting atop a speeding train and had no idea where I was headed. It was a very unsettling and dark period in my life. It was like someone came in and robbed me of myself, of my being, and left nothing but this shell of a person. I felt lost. Very, very lost.

BPP: How did you recognize that your symptoms were more than the average “baby blues”?

AD: I knew something was wrong when my son (now four years old) was around three months old. He had moderate reflux during those early months and constantly wanted to be held. His crying was very triggering for me. He would cry and I would immediately break out into a sweat. My thoughts would become scattered, my heart would race, my body would tense up and I’d think about running away. On top of anxiety, I also experienced rage and deep wells of depression once the rage would dissipate. The rage was scary – it was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. It would come on unexpectedly, usually triggered by something as minor as my older son spilling something. It was so intense, I’d be shaking. I did a lot of screaming, which I still carry a lot of shame about. I spent a lot of time hiding in the bathroom, crying, consumed with guilt and wondering why I couldn’t enjoy my children. When I was at my worst, I felt completely overwhelmed and incapable of being a “good” mother. I had intrusive thoughts – scary thoughts would flash through my mind while I was driving, cooking or bathing my kids. I dreaded each day, having to talk to people and even having to hold my son. There were days I was so “touched out”, holding him or having my oldest give me a hug would make my skin crawl. It was awful. Truly awful. It was hell. I felt so lost. Had no idea what was happening to me.

BPP: What helped you to finally “climb out of the darkness” and overcome your PPD?

AD: When my son was ten months old, I remember being so consumed with sadness for two weeks that I was suicidal. It was January 2011. I remember sitting down in my closet one night after my kids had finally gone to bed, closing the door and I just lost it right there, not understanding what was wrong with me, and wanting relief from it. I had heard of Postpartum Depression but I didn’t really know much about it – I knew of no other women in my life who had it, and my OB didn’t discuss it with me. When I had mentioned at my six week visit I felt “off” he said it was normal, just hormones, and wrote me a prescription for an anti-depressant (if I felt I needed to use it). That was it. So I Googled some of my symptoms and the first site that came up in the search results was Postpartum Progress. I read the “Plain Mama English” guides on what PPD and other postpartum-related mental illnesses were and finally felt like I had an idea as to what I had been experiencing. I emailed Katherine Stone (the founder) and the next day, she responded, reassuring me that I would be OK, I wasn’t a bad mother and that what I had was treatable – I just needed to seek help. She directed me to the Postpartum Stress Center in Rosemont, PA, and that’s where I began treatment. Saved my life. What also helped during my recovery was finding #PPDChat on Twitter, run by Lauren Hale of My Postpartum Voice. It’s a weekly chat on Twitter that offers peer support from other women who are still struggling and those who are survivors.

BPP: Can you share more about Post-Partum Progress and it’s mission?

AD: Postpartum Progress is a nonprofit laser focused on improving maternal mental health by increasing awareness of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders like PPD and giving mothers tools that connect them to the help they need. Postpartum Progress is all about ensuring mothers know the facts on perinatal mental illness, encouraging them to seek treatment as soon as possible, and eliminating the stigma surrounding these illnesses that keep so many women silent and untreated every year. They empower moms to care for their mental health, which in turn helps their families have the strongest start possible. It is now known that 1 in 7 mothers experiences a perinatal mental illness like PPD – it is the most common complication of childbirth, impacting over 1 million women every year in just the US alone. Yet only 15% of those impacted receive adequate treatment, so that means more than half a million women are going untreated every year. Research shows that untreated depression in mothers has a long-term impact on their children’s development, which really makes this not just a women’s health issue but a children’s health issue as well. The good news is that perinatal mental illnesses are treatable! Postpartum Progress works hard to create outreach and support programs that help mothers as they work toward recovery. The community Katherine has built over the last 10 years through Postpartum Progress is just amazing – I’ve never met a braver or more authentic community of women. So supportive and committed to changing the conversation about mental health and effecting change. Katherine calls women who suffer from perinatal mental illnesses Warrior Moms, and the Warrior Mom Army is FIERCE.

BPP: How are you currently advocating for PPD awareness and outreach?

AD: Right now most of my advocacy revolves around helping Postpartum Progress in any way I can. I’m on the editorial team for the blog. I participated in this year’s Mother’s Day Rally for Moms, an annual event Postpartum Progress holds on the blog every year to encourage pregnant and new moms who are suffering and working their way to recovery. I’m heavily involved with fundraising for Postpartum Progress through its annual fundraising & awareness event called Climb Out of the Darkness. On June 21st, the longest day of the year, Warrior Moms all over the world will be climbing, walking, and hiking to represent our rising out of the darkness of PPD and related illness and into the light and hope of recovery. It is the world’s largest event raising awareness of postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety and OCD, postpartum PTSD, postpartum psychosis, postpartum bipolar disorder and depression and anxiety during pregnancy. I’m also co-chairing the upcoming Warrior Mom Conference which is taking place next summer in Boston. We’ll be getting together with moms from all over the country to celebrate recovery and get skills training on how to better advocate for maternal mental health in our own communities. On a smaller scale, I do what I can to help destigmatize ALL mental illness by sharing from my personal experience on my blog and other social media.

BPP: Can you share some common misconceptions about PPD?

AD: I think one of the biggest misconceptions about PPD is that if you have it, you’re just sad all the time, which isn’t the case for so many women I know. There’s a wide range of symptoms that women can experience based on what type of illness they are suffering from that are very rarely discussed. I mentioned rage eariler – no one ever told me that rage was a symptom of depression, or that noises like an infant crying could trigger an anxiety or panic attack. The other big misconception is that if you just do all the “right” things – eat right, exercise, adopt a certain parenting lifestyle, etc., you will avoid developing PPD, and that it’s something you can just get rid of on your own. PPD and related illnesses don’t discriminate. In fact, most women have their first depressive episode in the first year postpartum. And PPD doesn’t just go away when it’s left untreated. As I mentioned before it can have a long-term impact on the health of mothers and their babies if never treated properly.

BPP: What is your life like now as a mother?

AD: Life as a mother now is…chaotic but manageable! I have three boys now – a 7, 4, and 6 mo and life is super busy. There are hard days and moments where I’m overwhelmed but I’m grateful to have a treatment plan that works for me, and a solid support system that includes fellow Warrior Moms. (They seriously are the freaking best.) My bond with all three of my children (even the one I had PPD with) is rock solid. My postpartum experience with my 6mo has been the complete opposite of what I experienced 4 years ago. Having support, and being aware really does make all the difference. I love being a mom now. I don’t dread it like I did during those dark days.

BPP: You are a seasoned and well-known blogger. Can you talk about how writing has helped you in your battle with a mood-disorder?

AD: I’ve always been a writer but I started my blog as a way to help me just brain dump all that I had going on four years ago. Writing has always helped me process what I’m wrestling my way through, and my blog has definitely helped me navigate the ups and downs of motherhood and mental illness. It’s given me a safe place to go to, you know? It’s the one place I know I can go and just be completely vulnerable, sharing whatever it is that comes out when I start typing on the keyboard. It gives me insight into myself, and helps me articulate something that I might be having a hard time explaining out loud to someone like my husband or psychiatrist. I t also helps me feel less alone. People will read and comment, and say, “Hey, me too,” and that helps me keep fighting on the hard days. Even when no one reads and there aren’t any comments, just having that space to say what I need to is crucial. My hope is that by being completely honest and vulnerable there, I can leave an archive that my boys can read when they’re older. They might want to understand who I was as a person living with mental illness, a woman and their mother.

BPP: What advice would you give to any new mother (or father) who feels like they are sinking emotionally after bringing a baby into their life?

AD: You are not alone. You are not “crazy”. You are not a bad parent for feeling the way you do, and it’s not your fault you feel this way. You are loved and worthy and the very best parent for your child. Be honest with yourself about what you’re experiencing. Seek professional help. Be your own advocate-fight for yourself like you would for your child or even for yourself if you had a physical illness like cancer. Find support groups both online and off. Let others help you. It gets better. It really does. It did for me.

A’Driane, thank you, thank you for sharing your story with us and for advocating so passionately for other parents who struggle with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. Your dedication and transparency are true gifts to other new mothers and fathers. – C & K ♥

Want to contribute to Team Austin’s Climb Out of the Darkness Fundraiser? https://www.crowdrise.com/addyeB-COTD2014/fundraiser/addyeB

Want to read more about A’Driane? Check out her blog: http://butterfly-confessions.com/

Want to learn more about Postpartum Progress? http://www.postpartumprogress.com/about

Read Katherine Stone’s Call to Action on National Healthy Babies Healthy Mother’s Coalition’s site for their “May Campaign” initiative during Maternal Mental Health Week (this week!): http://www.hmhb.org/2014/05/maternal-mental-health-call-to-action/

Make it Clear – 3 Reasons Why Moms Won’t Tell You What They Need :: Tuesday Tip

May 6, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Have you ever whisper-screamed? If you’re thinking hard, you probably haven’t. Operating definition – the sound resulting from two opposing forces: the need to scream combined with the need to stifle. You are freaking out, but don’t want your neighbors to think you’re being murdered, don’t want to wake the baby, or know deep down that the situation doesn’t really warrant a full-blown scream.

I personally discovered this skill years ago, when a huge tree roach flew into my apartment. If you haven’t seen a tree roach, have a look at this sucker and prepare for about a week of nightmares:

I’m generally not afraid of bugs or spiders, but roaches are the sentient, evil exception. It was running in confused circles at warp speed on the floor. I froze. There were no options. I couldn’t use my normal bug tactic, holding it loosely in a tissue and gently setting it outside, because if I got too close, it would run up my body, into my gaping, horrified mouth and down my throat. And I couldn’t step on it, because it had a completely formed skeleton, organs and intestines, and would make my living room look like a crime scene. So, I did the only thing I could. I slowly backed away and whisper-screamed, “loud”, three times.

I busted the whisper-scream again when my daughter was a few weeks old. Breastfeeding was a difficult process for me. Once I got into a good position, I had a habit of clenching myself, remaining as still as possible to avoid jinxing the flow. A few minutes into this particular late night session, I realized I’d forgotten two essential things: a big glass of water and my book. Her dad, J, was asleep in the next room. I tried to reason with myself. Surely I could get through the next 30-45 minutes without these small comforts…but my need for them only intensified. I spotted the baby monitor and decided it was worth waking him.

I started by softly calling his name. No response. I leaned as far as I could toward the monitor. “J!” Nothing. As slowly and carefully as possible, I lifted the nursing pillow and my baby girl, intently keeping both in locked position, and inched toward the monitor until my face was pressed against it. Full on whisper-scream: “JAAAYYYYYY!!!” Silence. I shambled into our bedroom, mid-air breastfeeding on the way. I woke him up, indignant, and we argued about how it was possible for him to sleep through all of that whisper-screaming??

I was being ludicrous. Why didn’t I just stop feeding her for one minute, be okay with the risk of her crying in protest, wake him up gently and in person, and ask him to help me? Or, just take care of myself?

Why not cut the whisper and just scream? Or better yet, calmly and clearly ask for what you need?

Here are three reasons blocking many of us from making our needs and wants crystal clear, often resulting in our partners feeling set up to fail:

We don’t know what our needs are. During the first few months of a baby’s life, sleep is erratic, if happening at all (did you know that sleep deprivation/interruption is a torture tactic used by terrorists?), and there’s a constant focus on keeping up with this sweet, helpless being’s needs. This is often at the detriment of our ability to tune inward and assess what would feel good or helpful. By the time one round of breastfeeding, diaper changing, playing and napping has completed, it’s time to start the whole process over again. Ask an exhausted new mom in the throws, “Hey, what can I get you? A snack? Lip balm?” and you might be met with a blank stare, and this answer: “Hmmmm. A lobotomy?”
We want you to read our minds. The femininity training many of us receive ingrains our preoccupation with the big picture, which is dominated by other people’s needs: who’s hungry, sad, bored, needs a drink refill, and how can we personally assist? When we have babies, this big picture skill intensifies to a sometimes scary degree. We long for our partners to have this skill too. We want you to walk into our shared space, survey the scene and intuit our needs, which to us, are obvious. See the dishes and laundry and spit up and hear the baby and the toddler crying and look at us and know that we need a hug, need you to scoop the kids up and away from us, put that load into the dryer, and make us an Old Fashioned. If you don’t ask, “How can I help?” we feel invisible. Even though that feeling is not your fault, nor is it based in any sort of rational logic, it’s there, deep down, and it’s terrible.
We’re afraid the answer will be “no,” or worse, no response. What if we identify our needs, clearly communicate them, and our partners can’t or won’t respond? What then? Maybe it means having to take a deeper look at the relationship, and either coming to terms with our partner’s limitations, or not coming to terms and pushing for change. Acknowledging and communicating your needs clearly means you have to be ready to face your partner’s answer, which can be a scary prospect.

The not easy or fun but incredibly empowering solution? Start by internally identifying what you need and want, without trying to justify or talk yourself out of it. Then, using effective communication, spell it out to your partner, and ask him or her to respond in a specific, behaviorally quantifiable way. Say it, email it, text it, or haiku it. Wait for a response, and no matter what you hear (even if it’s silence), know that you did everything you could by communicating clearly. Don’t be a whisper-screamer. And comfort yourself in the knowledge that you are bigger than the tree roach. At least by a little.

Here’s To Sanity and Clarity,

Cheryl

Anger Is A Gift :: Monday Musing

April 28, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

Are you mad?

My beautiful friend, Jean, is an incredibly grounded acupuncturist. She believes that most women are not given a template for dealing with anger, if they’re able to consciously acknowledge they’re experiencing it in the first place. Our training, at times by our parents, and constantly by society is to be nurturing and supportive, avoiding the “b word” label at all costs. There’s no room in that scenario for being pissed off. I believe men are subject to this emotional sanction in a slightly different way. They’re not allowed to show weakness, which means there’s no space to cry or say, “I have no clue.” All of that hidden powerlessness has to manifest somehow, and can start an internal storm of anger so intense it becomes easier to numb out or disengage than to deal with it. I took in Jean’s words and asked her, “How do you process your own anger?” With a wry smile she replied, “Me? Ohhh, I don’t get angry!”

Kids are supposed to be out of control sometimes. Even when they master language and can have high-level conversations with you, it takes many until their 20’s to fully grasp how to moderate their emotions. (I’m still working on it at almost 40.) If you feel out of control and don’t know how to deal with it, and you’re in the presence of a child who is out of control (or is just being a kid), it can feel irresistible to come down way too hard on them, trying to control them instead of yourself. Have you ever seen an adult schooling a child in a public place, looking like a complete a-hole while the child just looks very small? This happens all the time, even to conscious, well-meaning parents.

The only person in my family of origin allowed to express intense feelings was my dad. The feeling he expressed most often was anger. He would repress for a while, and then blow a gasket about something trivial my siblings and I did or didn’t do, often when we least expected it. My therapist described this as “venting through your children.” She explained that my dad, like many adults, had a hard time understanding or dealing with his feelings, and things got built up inside. Eventually, a volcano erupted.

As a child, it never occurred to me to feel much of anything, let alone express it, because I was too busy avoiding wrath by being a perfect little girl and hiding. Eventually, the whole “not having feelings” thing stopped working, and I had to start coping with the build-up I’d spent my life running from. When I had babies, a whole new level of this work began.

When my daughter was two and my son was a few months old, they used to have what I referred to as “crying competitions.” It felt like they were trying to outdo each other. One would start to calm down a little, and the other would let out another wail, and then the first would start all over again – neither would let the other have the last word. I am laughing as I write this, but at the time, I was in hell. I would put one on each hip, and bounce through the house singing to them, trying to make them laugh, and finally, exhausted, I’d just sit on the floor and hold them while waiting it out. After a few rounds, I started noticing anger, very hot, rising up in me.

How soothing, right? Mom is holding us, but her jaw is clenched, her arms stiff. I knew they were just being normal, crying babies, but no amount of rational thinking could compete with the anger that was coming from my perceived inability to control the situation. I felt myself wanting to scream at them, but something made me put them down, my son in his bouncy seat, my daughter next to him on the rug. I walked out into the garage and shut the door behind me. I could still hear them crying, but I sensed they’d be safe for a few minutes. My eyes fell on the pile of stuff we were donating to charity. I don’t remember which toy I picked up, but I know it was pink, and when I threw it as hard as possible onto the garage floor, it shattered in the most satisfying way imaginable. Just to ensure its total destruction, I picked it up and threw it down again. Hard. Then, I took a deep breath, exhaled, and walked back into the house. I felt like a different person. Calm. I soothed them and got through the rest of day.

That wasn’t perfect, by any means. Before I walked out, I didn’t reassure them that I’d be back, and it wasn’t their fault. They probably heard the scary crashes. Breaking toys in my garage made me feel like a psychopath. Plus, what about the poor kid who would now be deprived of the joy of playing with whatever that pink thing was? Wasteful. But, I’d rather them feel a little scared or uncertain, hear a noise, and then have me come inside and soothe them from an authentically calm place. I’d rather explain that I was angry, and needed a moment alone to deal with it. I don’t want to scream at them, or hit them, or handle them roughly, or shame them. I really, really don’t want to vent out my emotional crap through my kids.

Another big rupture happened shortly after J and I went through our divorce. Turns out grief manifests in me as it does in many men: anger, anger, anger. I could feel a wave of it coming up, and was desperate to get my kids settled in front of the TV in our upstairs loft so I could take a break. They could feel the tension emanating from me, and reacted by whining and protesting. Shocking. Finally, I lost it and yelled, “Please just watch your show!!” Of course, that soothed them right away, and then, I held that powerful, “I’m an adult in complete control” stance as I lost my footing and slid down our wooden staircase on my ass. My finest parenting moment to date.

I wish I was telling you all of this while sitting under a tree in a lotus posture, totally zen, referring to these past, totally resolved issues. Nope. I still struggle with moderating my emotions. The good news is that I’ve learned a few ways to deal, minimizing the risk of negative impact on people around me. One is intense music. Most people feel anger reducing when listening to calm, soothing music, but sometimes the opposite is true for me. I make sure the kids are settled, pop in ear buds and turn it a little too loud. The sounds are slightly angrier than I feel. They envelope and hold me. A go-to track is “Burning Inside” by Ministry, in which a sound the domestic goddess in me has decided is a vacuum cleaner melts into insanely fast drumming and impending doom guitar. If I’m especially keyed up, I actually run the vacuum while listening. This serves to further calm me, and assuage some of the inherent guilt that accompanies anger, because hey, look at those floors! Planting my face into a pillow and screaming at the top of my lungs is amazing, and often makes me laugh at the melodrama of it. And of course, I know the donation pile is right there in the garage if I need it.

Brilliant psychotherapist Irvin Yalom writes about a female client who came to a session very distraught. She tearfully explained that the night before, she had gotten drunk, had a huge fight with her husband, and ended up throwing a lemon pie against the wall. The visual: lemon custard oozing down the wall, broken pie plate and crust all over the floor. Yalom said his instinct was to try and alleviate what he perceived was her guilt, reassuring her that it probably wasn’t so bad, to not be hard on herself, etc. Turns out, he had read her wrong. Her tears were grief over lost time. For the first time, she had finally expressed her true feelings, in an impossible to take back way. I repeat this story over and over, because it captures the essence of our right to messy emotions dead on.

One of my clients made my year when she emailed me this photo, and gave me permission to share. The title: “Look What I Did!”

Shaving cream pies. Brilliant, cathartic and safe, because you won’t be tempted to lick lemon off your fence, eliminating splinter risk.

These little people look to you for containment, and you recognize that at times you can’t contain yourself. And you step into another room, and throw a pie. Then you come back to them, and you continue trying. You own your humanity with them, and you are humble about your limitations. You soothe, repair, and clean the wall. You try hard to stop whatever cycles could continue through you and into them. And, perhaps most importantly, you show them how adults forgive themselves.

Disclaimer: I am in no way advocating senseless harm to innocent lemon pies, especially if they are gluten-free and topped with meringue. Limits, people.

Here’s To Sanity and Yalom,

Cheryl

On Postpartum Depression and Anxiety :: Wednesday Wisdom

April 1, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Postpartum depression and anxiety are issues that affect many women, and yet our society does not discuss or address these topics nearly enough. That is why we are featuring the expertise of Dr. Kelly Boyd for this week’s Wednesday Wisdom. Dr. Boyd is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Round Rock, Texas, specializing in reproductive related issues including endometriosis, fertility/assisted reproduction, high-risk pregnancy, pregnancy and postpartum anxiety/depression, NICU issues, medical termination, and perinatal grief and loss. She is on the advisory board of the Pregnancy and Postpartum Health Alliance of Texas, the Association of Reproductive Health Professionals and is an active member of Postpartum Support International.

Dr. Boyd facilitates a free weekly postpartum support group at Any Baby Can, and also does a bi-monthly pregnancy and infant loss group at St. David’s Hospital. She’s the mother of two teens and is very active within the parenting support community. We are so honored to feature her experience and insight on postpartum issues, which impact so many parents, yet are surrounded by much unnecessary stigma, rendering them difficult to openly discuss. And they need to be openly discussed.

BPP: How do you define “Reproductive Psychology”, and what drew you to focusing your practice on these issues?

DKB: Reproductive psychology is defined as the practice of emotional support and counseling given to individuals, families and groups dealing with various types of reproductive issues that don’t go as planned in any part of the reproductive process.

Many people assume the reproductive process will just happen, but often it does not, and we are faced with statements and experiences that can result in feeling “it wasn’t supposed to be like this”. Often these struggles can be traumatic and can affect a person/relationship physically, emotionally, relationally, financially and spiritually. Supportive reproductive counseling can help the person become more aware, gain insight and feel less alone in a process that often feels scary or out of control.

I became interested in reproductive psychology after personally experiencing many of these issues myself. I also began to notice something unique about the assessment and treatment of reproductive related depression, anxiety and grief. While there was tremendous medical care for families, little was being done to emotionally support families through reproductive challenges. So, I became passionate about serving and educating the community and health professionals about the psychology of the reproductive process.

BPP: What are a few major differences between postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety?

DKB: One of my passions is educating about postpartum mood and anxiety disorders. People often only refer to “postpartum depression”, but it’s often not only depressive symptoms. Many women experience both depression and anxiety, and sometimes more of one than the other. Postpartum panic, postpartum OCD and postpartum PTSD also fall under the umbrella of postpartum anxiety disorders. Here are some of the main differences:

Postpartum Depression includes:

Sadness, irritability, excessive guilt, changes in eating and sleeping, difficulty concentrating, hopelessness, decreased interest in self, baby or things that were once enjoyable.

Postpartum Anxiety includes:

Excessive worry or fear about the baby, health issues, fear that something terrible may happen, panic attacks, difficulty breathing, fear of losing control. Postpartum OCD (a sub-symptom of anxiety) often includes repetitive, obsessive scary thoughts about harm to the self, baby or family. Postpartum PTSD often happens with a traumatic birth experience and can include many of the above symptoms with the inclusion of nightmares, flashbacks and a re-experiencing of the trauma.

BPP: We imagine that when you meet new clients with postpartum issues, you sometimes wish they’d contacted you sooner. What are some early signs that a woman should reach out for help?

DKB: Often women don’t reach out for help because they are not sure what’s happening, or because of shame and guilt about how they are feeling at a time our society often says is the happiest time in a woman’s life.

Warning signs indicating a need for help:

Increased isolation and loneliness
Prior mental health history in self or family that has worsened during pregnancy or postpartum
Lack of support or relationships with the baby, partners and friends are becoming affected
Sleep deprivation, hormonal shifts, difficulty with breast feeding may also cause changes in mood that may signal the need for help.
Fear of losing control and a sense of being overwhelmed by everything

BPP: When you meet a woman struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety, what resources do you try to mobilize for her?

DKB: Individual and couples counseling, postpartum support groups, online support and blogs, increased social support systems, additional support for increasing sleep, nutritional needs, breaks for self care, exercise, massage, acupuncture, meditation/yoga, supplements and/or medication assessment.

BPP: What advice do you have for parenting partners, friends and family members of women struggling with these issues?

Be supportive and listen to her fears, feelings and concerns. Validate that most of this is a time limited hormonal and life style adjustment that will improve.
Remind them that they are not alone. This is not forever and not a reflection of the type of parent they are. It is time limited, and with help, increased support and awareness about postpartum issues, they will get well.
Educate everyone about what postpartum IS, and what it is NOT. There are many myths. Get the facts. Great resources for families are Postpartum Support International and Postpartum Progress.
Hire and/or give additional help with household chores, night time baby wakings, sleep and self care time.

BPP: Why do you think postpartum issues are so difficult for women to talk about?

DKB: Because of the shame and stigma of maternal emotions being anything other than joyous. There are so many motherhood myths and pressures on new parents, and often we are taught to not talk about difficult or painful emotions regarding our children or adjustment to our new role. Many women also fear that they will be judged as not being a “good mom” if they express how they truly feel at times. Additionally, many express a fear of being viewed as weak or a failure if they don’t get it “just right”. Lastly, our media has mainly profiled extreme cases of postpartum psychosis, and many women fear they will become like that, or associated with the idea that they may harm themselves or their children if they talk about postpartum issues. This is simply not true. Postpartum psychosis is rare. Postpartum anxiety and depression are very common, treatable and are nothing to be ashamed about.

BPP: What would you say to a woman who feels intense shame about her postpartum issues?

DKB: What’s most important is that women realize this is a treatable, time limited experience. With help, increased education, awareness and support, they will get well. It’s not a reflection of them or their parenting. It’s something we get through and are often better for it after we heal and get the well deserved support.

BPP: What are things expectant parents can do before baby’s arrival to prepare for the possibility of postpartum issues?

DKB: Women and families should consider getting support and educated in their pregnancy. Identify potential risk factors, and develop a postpartum intervention/prevention plan. Assess needs for all family members and get resources lined up before the baby arrives. A good prevention plan, open discussion about feelings, fears, expectations regarding sleep, feedings, household chores and transitions often significantly decreases postpartum distress for everyone.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?

DKB: “Please place your own oxygen mask on, before assisting others.”
Many new parents are forgetting how important it is to care for self because they solely focus on the baby or others, often resulting in depletion and exhaustion. Take time for self, which in turn will be a benefit for everyone!

Thank you, Dr. Boyd, for your insight into these incredibly important issues, that we hope will be talked about more and more openly.

Here’s To More Sanity and Less Shame,

C & K ♥