newborn | baby proofed parents

Hey there birth partner, I see you – 3 Tips for Navigating the Postpartum Period

April 26, 2018 By: babyproofedparentscomment

My husband had surgery a few months ago. It was a semi-serious surgery that kept him in the hospital one night and then he was released to my care. Keep in mind that I am no nurse. In fact, blood and bodily fluids tend to make me a little squeamish. However, the doctor assured me that his aftercare would be easy peasy. My husband would only need plenty of rest and hydration.

In preparation, I scheduled a few days off of work and began listing all of the things I could catch up on. Sorting through old paperwork, filing insurance claims for my counseling practice, cleaning out my closet – because OMG, it needs a good clean out. By the time they took him back to the OR for his procedure, I had a page-long list of To-Do’s ready for doing. I was kind of looking forward to having a few free days at home while he recovered.

Um… whatever.

After I brought my hubby/patient home from the hospital, I didn’t stop moving. He needed his meds. Then he needed a drink of water. How about a smoothie now? He was cold – could he have a blanket? Oh, the kids are home from school now. Homework and dinner and bedtime. But no bed time for me because my surgery patient needed bathing. And his pain was truly intolerable. And… there were plenty of body fluids. Eeeek! Up and down we went all night.

Needless to say, I didn’t get anything done on my To-Do list. In fact, as the week progressed, I became more exhausted as my husband became more rested.

It gave me flash backs to when we came home from the hospital with our second newborn. I had just given birth. I needed to focus on recovering and breastfeeding, right? So, I fully expected my husband to be my right-hand man.

He really delivered.

He brought food and water and reassurance whenever I needed it. He handled our preschooler like a champ and ran to the grocery store for all of our worldly needs. He never stopped moving while I did a lot of sitting.

I guess I always assumed that he had the super easy job as birth partner. I never stopped to think that his role in supporting and caring for me might have been just as exhausting as my recovery from the birth.

My little stint as nurse and caretaker made this very clear for me. It also helped me to identify some tips that might help set the birth partner up for success during the postpartum period.

1) Get things ready ahead of time: The last month or two of the pregnancy, begin preparing things to make the caretaker’s job easier. Set up some comfy areas in your home that will work well for breastfeeding and resting. You’ll want a good chair, a little side table to keep magazines and books, the remote control, something to play music on, a small light and an ottoman to kick up your feet on. Stock the fridge and pantry with your favorite foods and snacks that can be easily prepared. Stock plenty of healthy beverages and fun cups/straws to drink them out of. Ask your midwife or doctor for a list of comfort items (heating pads, breastfeeding-friendly pain meds, hemorrhoid pads) and show your partner where they are stored. Last but not least, think about investing in a good old-fashioned bell. Yelling and texting work fine, but the little ding of a bell might work better.

2) Accept help: This is a big one for both Mom and birth partner. When my husband was preparing to go into surgery, all of our friends and family were asking how they could help. More specifically, they were offering to provide food or watch our boys. “No, thanks,” I told most of them. “We’ll be fine. I have food in the fridge and the boys can entertain themselves.” Well, several days later, I was kicking myself. It would have been reeeeealy nice to have meals delivered to our doorstep or to have my boys carpooled around for the week. Fortunately, there were several sweet people who wouldn’t take no for an answer and brought food and help any way. Lesson learned: Accept the help of others. You can always decline later on, but sending out an SOS is trickier.

3) Care for the caretaker: The caretaker is going to be on their feet a lot. They probably won’t be getting much more sleep than mom. For this reason, I encourage birth partners to clear any big commitments off of their calendar so that they can reserve their energy for care-taking and resting. Birth partners should stock up on their own favorite snacks, drinks, movies and books. When mom and baby are resting, the caretaker should also rest and relax. Don’t worry about keeping the house immaculate or staying on top of everything. You guys will have plenty of time to catch up. In the meantime, focus on loving on this new little baby and taking care of both of you.

Here’s to Strength & Birth Partners,

Kirsten

You Are Entering The Baby Time Zone

January 26, 2016 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Ever notice how young children measure time with holidays and seasons? Ask a child about the calendar and they’ll tell you the special occasion they’re looking forward to next and what kind of fun and sweets will accompany it. They determine seasons by what is thrown on them as they walk out the door — a coat and knitted hat or sunscreen and bug spray. For little ones, summer is sort of that magical combination of both season and holiday — a long expanse of nothingness, filled with weekly swimming excursions and occasional periods of blessed boredom.

Then you become an adult and time conveniently organizes itself into neat and tidy rows on the wall calendar. Boredom is replaced with ‘To Do’ lists and stress. Your life morphs into five-day stretches, cushioned by weekends on either side, serving as much needed restorative bookends. A day timer or calendar app becomes your compass. Life feels scheduled, predictable and somewhat controllable.

Until you have a baby.

Bring a baby into the world, and you enter an entirely different time zone. The calendar and all it represents cease to have meaning.

You get a preview of this new time zone when you go into labor and every minute counts. Minutes between contractions. Minutes of pain. Minutes of pushing and pushing and pushing. The exact minute that your baby exits your womb, whether through C-section or through your cervix, is recorded in ink on paper.

Never has a moment in time meant so much. It marks the beginning of a new life for both you and your baby.

For the first few weeks with your newborn, standard time goes out the window. Days and nights are flipped. Hours fly by as you gaze at your little miracle. Minutes of sleep are welcome and crying spells seem to last for ages.

And then slowly, you and your little person settle down into 45 or 90 minute increments of nursing, sleeping and playing. Despite these repetitive activities, your schedule remains unpredictable and irregular. There are days when time creeps by, and you wonder how you can already be on your third meal by 10am. Many mothers find themselves staring at the clock, counting the minutes until their husband gets home from the office. After working in a bustling career, a day with an infant can feel never ending.

Don’t get too comfy. There will also be days when the hours stream by and you barely make it to the bathroom. When your partner walks in the door, you greet them in unchanged pajamas with a grimace that says, “Don’t even ask…” The dishes are unwashed. Dinner is definitely not made. Brownie points if you’ve brushed your hair or fed yourself. These days of nothing accomplished can feel overwhelming for women who took pride in being especially productive and efficient before becoming a mother. If you can remind yourself that ALL new parents have days like this, that you have the rest of your life to wash dishes, you’ll be a lot better off.

Here’s the deal: When we fly to another continent, we prepare ourselves for the jet lag. We give ourselves time to adjust to the new time zone and often add in hours for extra sleep. I always encourage expectant parents to consider making the same mental preparations before they have a baby. You are not only entering a new time zone, you are entering a new way of being. Be patient with yourself and the clock. If you can find a way to enjoy the zany time warp, do it. Howl at the moon since you are the only one up at 3am. Binge watch Netflix at 10 am, because you can.

Slowly, gradually your days will be more predictable. It will become easier to block out time for self-care and socializing. The calendar will take on a new relevance and you can resume tracking events on your day timer. In the meantime, enjoy this schedule-free time. Before you know it, your life outside of home will be jam-packed full again.

Here’s to Sanity and Day Timers,

Kirsten

Photo Credit: massonforstock / 123RF Stock Photo

How Do You Fret? The 8 Types of New Parent Worries :: Monday Musing

August 31, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Anxiety is a completely normal part of being a new parent. In fact, the worrying often begins before your child ever enters this world. During my first pregnancy, I remember being in a constant state of wonder. Wondering if my baby was healthy. Wondering if I would carry him full-term. Wondering if the birth would go as planned with no complications. So many things to wonder and fret about. It is enough to make the most Zen person in the world feel a little nutty.

After the baby arrives, many parents find themselves feeling anxious about a whole new class of concerns. I like to categorize these fears into 8 categories. I’ve listed the worries below with tips for combatting them (and experts to turn to when you need more help):

1. Control: Before we become parents, most of us feel an illusion of control. You control when you eat, when you sleep and how you take care of yourselves. When you conceive a child, you might suddenly feel like you are driving blind. You can’t see what is going on in your belly and you are expected to trust – that everything is OK. When the baby enters the world, no matter how much you want breastfeeding, sleeping and pooping to go exactly as planned, it often doesn’t. For anyone who considers themself to be a “control freak” (ahem… ME), life with a newborn can feel like unpredictable mayhem.

Suggestion: This is a great opportunity to surrender some of the control you have always grasped onto. Children force us to let go, follow our instincts and trust that we are going to figure things out as we go along. Things might not always go as planned, but they almost always turn out to be just fine. Reach out for help and guidance when needed. You don’t have to run this show completely on your own.

2. Safety: I visited a friend this summer who had a sweet, nine month old baby. She showed me this amazing mesh mattress in the baby’s crib that is supposed to reduce the risk of SIDS and suffocation. Listening to her talk about crib safety, I was reminded of my own safety-related fears. Fears of electrocution, strangulation, suffocation and on and on. If you read the multiple pages of warnings on all of your baby products, it makes you want to enclose your baby in a protective bubble.

Suggestion: Remind yourself that decades of statistics and research have gone into the development of most baby products. And if they prove to not be completely safe, they are quickly recalled. Read the guidelines, baby proof your home and then remind yourself that you kiddo is actually pretty sturdy. Staring at the baby monitor non-stop will often create more anxiety, so give your eyes and mind a rest when needed.

3. Germs & Illness: Most of us new parents get a big scare about germs immediately after our baby is born. We are cautioned to not let our little infant be held by anyone who is sick. We are also cautioned to not take them out and about until they are completely sturdy and immunized. Although this is wise advice, it is enough to make most moms want to hide in a cave with their infant and drench any visitors in hand sanitizer.

Suggestions: Follow your health care provider’s guidelines. But when you are given the go ahead to get out and about, do so! The fresh air and companionship will be good for both you and baby. Plus, many healthcare experts agree that exposing your older baby to germs and even illness is exactly what helps them to build a strong immune system.

4. Schedules: I made the mistake of reading The Baby Whisperer Book before the birth of my 2^nd baby. After studying the prescribed sleep plan, I was determined to get my new baby on a very structured sleeping schedule from a very young age. Ummm, no. The more I tried to force my little guy on some sort of schedule, the more he fought it and the more anxious both of us became. That wasn’t the only schedule I felt anxious about; I was also closely watching the clock when it came to feeding and pooping.

Suggestions: Some babies fall very easily into a predictable structured schedule. Some babies, whether it be due to illness, colic, or temperament, will be all over the place at first. Don’t stress out too much about keeping things precisely on time. Most babies will eventually ease themselves into a somewhat steady schedule. Until then, go with the flow and reach out for help if you are feeling like you or your baby aren’t getting enough sleep or nourishment. (Reach out to our favorite sleep consultant, Lori at Strong Little Sleepers if needed.)

5. Comparisons: New parents are notorious for playing the comparison game. We watch when our friends’ babies roll over, sit up and walk. And then we compare them to our own babies. Both of my boys were late when it came to crawling and walking. But you know what? Now I can’t hold them back from running all over the neighborhood.

Suggestion: Resist the urge to compare. Just don’t. Babies all evolve and develop at their own pace. Remind yourself that everything and everyone tends to even out in the end. If you have concerns about your child’s development, express them to your pediatrician.

6. The “Right Way”: With my first baby in particular, I really wanted to do things the right way. Don’t ask me what that meant. I guess I wanted to follow some sort of best practices. The problem is that no one can agree on what those best practices are. Each baby book is slightly different. Each baby, home and set of circumstances is very different.

Suggestions: Find books, educators and providers that feel like a fit for you. Follow their suggestions, but remember that you will have to adjust as you go. No one will know your baby better than you do. Ultimately, you will become the expert on what is the right thing for your little one.

7. “Good Baby”: I hear new parents say this all the time: “She/he is a really good baby.” I cringe a little when I hear this because I wonder what it means to have a baby that is not good or a baby that is bad. Parents who have babies with colic or reflux may feel like they have failed in producing an easy infant. But that doesn’t mean that their baby is bad or a failure.

Suggestions: Babies are born with little individual temperaments. They also encounter challenges such as food intolerances and growth spurts. Resist the urge to slap any kind of label on your little one. Some of the most challenging newborns turn out to be the most angelic toddlers.

8. Feeding: This is a very common source of anxiety for new parents. When you start out with breastfeeding, it is tricky to know if your little one is getting enough nourishment. A lot of trust and practice is involved. Later when your baby starts solids, you might find yourself asking the same questions again: Is my little one getting enough food? Is she/he growing and thriving? How much is the right amount?

Suggestions: If you’re taking your little one to regular wellness checks, your doctor will be able to tell you if your baby is where they need to be. Usually they are. But if feeding is a constant source of anxiety for you, do not hesitate to reach out for more assistance or just plain reassurance. Brian the Birth Guy is one of our favorite lactation consultants. And Cheryl from Taste & See Healthy Baby Food is an excellent resource when is comes to solids.

Although some anxiety is a normal part of new parenthood, and will typically decrease with time, there are a small portion of new parents who find their worries growing until they are feel out of control. If your anxiety is interfering with your sleep or daily functioning, don’t feel like you have to cope on your own. Reach out for help and get the support you need. Both you and your baby will benefit.

Here’s to Sanity and Reaching Out,

Kirsten

7 Universal Truths of Parenting a Newborn :: Monday Musing

July 6, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

When you have a new baby, you realize a few things: Every birth story is unique. Every newborn has his/her own little personality and individual needs. Each couple goes about the task of parenting in their own customized way. In spite of all of these differences, there are seven truths that almost all new parents will encounter. We list them out here and give you suggestions for dealing with them:

1. You’ll be sleep-deprived for a period of time. Newborns have to eat throughout the night. Sleep patterns don’t get established for several months. Your normal sleep patterns will be disturbed. Suggestions: Take naps and sleep when you can. Take turns getting up with the baby. Remind yourself that things will improve.

2. You will have to work as a team more than ever. A new baby is a two-person job. While one person changes a diaper, the other one can make coffee. While one rests, the other can hold the newborn. Suggestions: View your new infant as a team project. You two can take on this challenge together and you will be stronger as a couple as a result. If you are a single parent, surround yourself with supportive helpers who can give you breaks when needed.

3. There will be a learning curve. Both you and your baby have to figure out how things are going to work. Things won’t go perfectly at first… and every time you get something sorted out, everything will change. Suggestions: Be patient with yourself, your partner and your baby. Don’t expect things to run completely smoothly right off the bat.

4. You and your partner will feel closer than ever at times and more distant than ever at times. Seeing your partner care for an infant is a beautiful thing, and you might find yourself feeling more attracted than ever. On the other hand, a newborn requires a lot of attention, which takes time away from connecting with each other. Suggestions: Connect with each other when you can. A hug. A cuddle on the couch. Remind yourself and your partner that this is all temporary!

5. There will be emotional ups and downs. Hormones, sleep-deprivation, frustration and anxiety can make both parents (but especially mom) feel emotional. This is normal and will get better with time. Suggestions: Let the feelings flow and offer each other comfort and understanding. If feelings of depression or anxiety seem insurmountable, talk to your doctor or a counselor.

6. Your parenting will be influenced by the parenting you received. Your parents were your first role model. Sometimes this creates anxiety if your childhood was less than perfect or if your relationship is strained with your parents. Other times, you might feel confidence and optimism – perhaps you have super fond memories of your childhood. Know that your feelings about parenting, negative or positive, were influenced by your childhood, but that you can mold yourself into the parent you want to be. Suggestions: Decide how you want to do things differently and how you want to do things exactly the same.

7. Things will get easier. They will. As the months and years pass by, you will have more time to yourself and more time with each other. And you will appreciate it more than ever. You will also feel more confident as a parent. Give yourself a high five for becoming a parent! You can do this.

Here’s to Sanity and The Universe,

Kirsten