relationship | baby proofed parents

Ending the Division of Labor Wars

February 12, 2016 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Everyone does it. No couple is immune. Some call it tit for tat. Others call it keeping points. It’s that thing you do when you turn to your partner and say, “Why do I always end up doing the dishes? It seems like you never help out in the kitchen.”

Then your partner defensively replies, “I just did the dishes yesterday. You never notice when I help. And besides, when is the last time you helped with the yard work?”

And it goes from there.

The arguments can be about household chores, financial contributions, parenting tasks or even initiating sex.

These arguments feel like a volleyball game in which each person is volleying complaints back and forth over the net. It can become quite competitive. Who is doing the most around the house? Who is doing the most for the family? Who is doing the most for each other?

What couples tend to forget is that they are actually on the same team. If you ask two parents what their goals are for the family, they will almost always say the same things: Health, happiness, and a well cared for home.

I have good news for you! There are ways to minimize these division of labor battles that will in turn, make you feel closer than ever to your partner.

1. Ask yourself if you are tired or grumpy. If you answer yes, consider saving your feedback for a moment when you are rested and fed. You’ll be able to approach the subject in a less confrontational manner when you are feeling calm and can “soft start” the conversation.

2. Consider whether this task is crucial to the family and the relationship OR whether it is a personal preference for you. If it is simply a personal preference, explore the idea that you might have to take on the bulk of the job yourself. Or hire someone to help you! (Example: I like a clean, uncluttered house. Am I great at keeping it this way? Not really. My husband isn’t either but honestly, clutter doesn’t bother him. I’ve learned that lecturing him about clearing clutter is useless and only gets both of us frustrated. Instead, I try to budget time to do my own clutter cleaning and every once in awhile I have a cleaning service come in to do the deeper cleaning.)

3. Propose making a schedule or an “adult chore chart.” Most us tend to assume that our partner will handle household chores exactly the way we do. But this is a false assumption. We all come from different families and backgrounds. Just because you empty the dishwasher as soon as it has finished its cycle, doesn’t mean that your partner even notices that the dishes are done. Work together to make an agreement on what tasks need to be done when, and who is going to do them. And remember that each of your “chore lists” might not look identical. One of you might hate mopping and the other one might dislike cooking. Try to create lists that play into both of you strengths and preferences.

1. Before getting defensive, ask yourself if your partner has a valid complaint. Is it true that they have been doing most of the chores around the house? Perhaps your partner has been handling the majority of parenting tasks? Resist the urge to start tallying points and firing complaints back at them. If you can, remain calm and ask your partner how you can make things feel more equitable. You might be surprised at the answer.

2. Consider your partner’s love language. If they feel most loved when you perform “acts of service”, then chipping in with chores and yard work is going to be important in your relationship. If their love language is “physical touch”, then making it a priority to initiate cuddling or sex will be essential. When you hear your partner’s complaint, try to see how it fits into their love language. Then, try to be ahead of the game by anticipating the things that make them feel loved and initiating before being asked.

3. If you don’t want to help out more with what your partner is complaining about (or you simply can’t, due to time constraints or another issue) begin gentle negotiations. I’ll give another personal example: I used to love working in the yard. These days, I simply don’t have time or energy for it. Occasionally, my husband points out that I do not set foot outside on yard workdays. He has a point. When these conversations come up, I initially agree with him. Then I try to 1) suggest small ways that I can help (like doing a little weeding), 2) gently remind him of all of the household tasks I am handling (like laundry and housecleaning) and 3) offer to help find money in our budget to pay a yard service. Since my husband actually enjoys doing yard work, he always declines this offer, and we go about our merry way.

I said it before and I’ll say it again: you are both on the same team. It is not a competition and things will never be completely even. One partner (and this might switch back and forth) will always bring in more income. One partner will always do a little more around the house. One partner might initiate sex more frequently. Accept that you are not clones of each other and then try to boost each other up instead of tearing each other down. You will feel closer and more supported as a result!

Here’s to Sanity and Chore Charts,

Kirsten

How to Validate Your Partner Like a Parking Ticket – 3 Tips for Great Listening

September 16, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Doesn’t it feel good when you walk up to the restaurant counter with a $10 parking garage slip and the hostess stamps her little stamp on it, magically making the cost of parking go down to $0?

It feels really good.

That’s exactly how it feels to be truly validated by your partner. To have your partner put down their phone, look into your eyes and listen to you with all of their senses. Your emotional load is immediately lightened and you feel empowered to move forward.

I’ll give you an example from my own relationship that happened a few weeks ago. My husband came home from work feeling frustrated. Actually, more than frustrated. Pissed off. He shared that he received some feedback from a supervisor. He felt like there was a misunderstanding. He said he was blindsided by the criticisms and felt like he was being undervalued.

Being a counselor, you would think that I would instantly jump into active listening mode. But even we counselors can skip the validating and speed ahead to problem solving and criticism. My first impulse was to say things like: Well, haven’t I given you that feedback before? OR Maybe your boss has a point. OR Omigosh, we need you to keep your job dude. Get it together!

Fortunately, my brain got it together that evening. I paused, took a breath and switched into validation mode. “I’m sorry that you had a crappy day. That completely sucks. Can I give you a hug?”

I let my husband vent and process until he had purged his frustrations, and then we gently moved into “what next?” mode: “What can you do to prevent this next time? How do you want to confront your supervisor about how this was handled?”

The tables are frequently turned. Sometimes my husband comes home in the evening and I’m up to my armpits in parenting frustration and exhaustion. When he says things like, “I’m sorry it was a rough day. I have those too. I know you are doing your best” he wins the husband-of–the-year award.

In those moments, I’m not looking for problem solving or constructive feedback. I’m looking for someone to really hear me, which leads me to the 3 Steps to Validating Your Partner:

Step 1 – Turn Off Your Engines and Tune In: The greatest threats to good listening these days are distractions. They surround us, always humming in the background – smart phones, Pandora, TV, radio, screaming kids, chores, iPads and video games. When your mate has something that she or he needs to talk about, press the pause button on everything, sit down and make eye contact. Simple as it sounds, it is often challenging to do in our over-stimulating world.

Step 2 – Listen and Reflect: Hear the words that your partner is saying. Resist the urge to start forming a response or solution. Just listen. Ask questions to gather more info: How did he respond when you said that? What did you say after that? Ugh, how did that make you feel? And then what happened? Reflect back what you are hearing. And listen some more.

Step 3 – Validate and Empathize: This is where you jump in with the warm fuzzy stuff that makes all of us feel better. That sounds hard. That really stinks. I would have felt the same way. I can imagine that was tough for you. That’s kinda effed up!! You get the picture. You’re letting your partner know that you are on their team and have their back.

Repeat 1-3 as long as you need to. Usually you will find the conversation naturally winding down and switching gears into problem solving. But don’t rush to that space. If you take your time, you’ll notice the energy in the room starting to calm and a strengthened connection between you and your partner.

As always, there’s a caveat. If you find that your significant other greets you with a load of complaints and frustrations on a daily or hourly basis, you might begin to feel like a dumping ground. Don’t hesitate to speak up if the communication tables are unbalanced and you’re always on the receiving end. This might be an opportunity to encourage your mate to connect with a counselor or even another trusted friend or family member who can share the role of sounding board.

Last note – these listening skills will also come in handy with your kids. Listen in and listen well. You’ll find your young ones opening up and talking to you more.

Want more instruction on empathy? It’s a tricky skill to figure out and Brené Brown does an incredible job of spelling it out in this animated video. Watch, learn and enjoy:

Here’s to Sanity and Parking Garages,

Kirsten

4 Tips for Falling In Love with Your In-Laws :: Tuesday Tip

July 21, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

I hear it all the time from my baby-raising clients. Whether they are a brand new mom or a veteran parent, they often report challenges with their in-laws, specifically their mother-in-law. The complaints range from mom-in-laws being too involved to not involved enough. Sometimes the mother-in-law criticizes the mom’s parenting style or ignores it all together. The most frequent complaint I hear: Grandma is spoiling my kids – too many toys, too much sugar, not enough sleep.

My two young boys already claim to have girlfriends (Eeek! 1^st and 4^th grade. Really people?) This has caused me to face the music. One day, in what I hope is the not-so-near future, I too will probably be a mother-in-law. Which leads me to explore the reasons why the mother-in-law/mother relationship is so notoriously challenging:

Reason #1: There are no in-laws in nature. Think about it. Humans are one of a kind when it comes to the layers of family members who love on a little baby. Due to the lack of precedence in the animal kingdom, it makes sense that it is a tricky relationship for humans to sort out.

Reason #2: Generation gap. My kids are 10 and 7 and I am already amazed at how infant care trends have changed since I gave birth a decade ago. What was the norm for a grandma 30 or 40 years ago may be very old news when a grandchild enters the world. Breastfeeding, baby food, sleep methods, parenting and discipline philosophies – everything in this era of modern parenting changes so much more rapidly than it did 100 years ago.

Reason #3: Different families & backgrounds. A mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law come from two completely different upbringings and personal histories, especially in this age in which people don’t just marry the kid that lives down the block from them. We partner up with people from different cities, states and even countries. It makes sense that the way you and your mother-in-law approach the tasks of cooking, homemaking and parenting might be slightly, if not totally, different.

Reason #4: Power struggle. Whether it is subtle or overt, it’s normal for there to be a mild tug-o-war over influence and control when a new grandchild is brought into the world. A mother-in-law was a mother, first and foremost. She gave birth, raised babies and sent them off into the world. She’s been there, done that and has the stretch marks and worry lines to show for it. Now she gets to watch someone else nurture her kin as a daughter-in-law takes the maternal helm of her own family. Letting go of control is key. This transition can be a beautiful process that brings everyone closer. It can also cause tension if this subtle transfer of power is met with resistance or bitterness.

So now that you understand the possible reasons for the “in-law challenges”, you are probably thinking, what the heck do I do about it? How can my in-laws and I get on the same page? Here are our 4 Tips for Falling In Love:

Tip #1: Look for intentions behind the actions. Nine times out of ten, your in-laws are trying as hard as they can to express as much love as possible for their grandchildren. This may come in different forms – 2 scoops of ice cream right before bed, 10 flashy, new toys every time they come for a visit, or 5 sets of unsolicited advice regarding how to care for a baby. Remember that their gestures of love will not veto or replace the consistent routines you are establishing in your home. A little excess love, spoiling and even advice (whether heeded or not) won’t hurt in the long run.

Tip #2: Set clear expectations with your in-laws. Together with your partner, decide on boundary issues that you both feel strongly about. These rules and guidelines will probable revolve around topics like safety, discipline, visiting, feeding, bedtime, and TV/movie/technology guidelines. Communicate these guidelines to the grandparents so that everyone is on the same page. Allow leeway and variation when you feel comfortable.

Tip #3: Express concerns/frustrations when needed. If you have a beef with how your in-law’s are handling something, don’t let your frustrations stew! Keep your cool and voice your concerns, in a tactful and non-confrontational manner. Get your partner’s buy in and involve him/her in the conversation if possible. Explain to your in-laws that you know they have done the parenting thing before, but that you have to sort it out on your own. Add in that you’d love their respect and cooperation as you and your partner learn how to raise little people in your own, customized way. We’re talking about your kid and your little family, right? So in the end, you get to call the shots.

Tip #4: Know when to let go. My mother-in-law was a strong, intelligent and inspirational woman who lost her life to cancer 7 years ago. Before she passed away, she would watch my infant son on a regular basis – eating up every second of her time with him. I’d be lying if I said she and I didn’t experience a few power struggles over baby food, TV viewing and sleep routines. Looking back, I now see that she was coming from a place of absolute and unconditional love. I feel sadness when I know that my 7 yr. old will never get a chance to meet her.

When you’re experiencing challenges with your in-laws, step back and take a long view of the struggles. Most kids benefit from as much love as they can get, even if it doesn’t look and feel exactly the same between the parents and the grandparents. Speak up when you need to… but step back and let go when you can. And if they’re offering babysitting, take them up on it. You and your partner can use a date night – counselor’s orders!

Here’s to Sanity and Two Scoops of Ice Cream,

Kirsten

PS: Recognize the featured photo of Jennifer and Jane? It’s from the 2005 flick, Monster-in-Law. Not critically acclaimed but a good laugh and relatable to many!

“I’m Not Your Mama, Daddy” – Clear Roles for Better Sex :: Tuesday Tip

June 23, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

You’ll hear us say it over and over – being a new parent can be all-encompasing. From personal hygiene to personal identity, a new baby rules most aspects of brand new moms’ and dads’ lives. This crash course in nurturing helps us quickly hone the skills necessary to keep our helpless little ones alive and healthy. It’s normal to feel that nurturing spilling over to our partners throughout our journey of co-parenting: cutting food into bite-sized chunks for our toddler accidentally results in cutting up food for our obviously capable spouse, “Goo-goo gah-gah what a big boy!” could technically be said to either a baby or a man, and don’t get me started on diapers. In some cases, this excess nurturing is helpful, making us more attentive, affectionate and patient with each other. But in other cases, it can completely deflate the sexy factor. Here are three ways to keep our parent/partner roles distinct, keeping attraction heated up:

1. Create time and space. Numbers 2 and 3 are contingent upon this. If you are struggling with postpartum issues, are sleep deprived, or your baby is going through an exceptionally fussy or difficult stage, survival will be the priority. Don’t pressure yourself to be in the mood, but DO work on hiring childcare or enlisting support from family and friends. You need a break from your little one to reconnect with your partner, even if it’s just a very short outing together and the only physical contact is a short make out session in the car.

2. Mentally/Emotionally separate your role as a parent from your role as a partner. Think about what feels good and when. Yes, being nurtured and treated with sweetness is nice, but when it comes to sex, we want to be seduced. Not with baby talk, but with direct, heated, “I want you, NOW,” messages. If you’re in the mood and about to approach your partner, make that mental shift by assuring yourself the baby’s needs are being met, and for the moment, compartmentalizing your parenting identity, letting your adult, sexual self take the wheel. Use your first names or pre-baby pet names instead of referring to each other as “Mommy” or “Daddy” – the way you might habitually when talking with your littles.

3. Physically separate your role as a parent from your role as a partner. When possible, schedule a sitter and get out of the house for a nice, romantic dinner. If it’s a night in, take extra time to shower, change out of your sweat pants and into something inviting. Partners – if you notice Mom is a little haggard and covered in spit up, offer to run a hot bath and pour a glass of wine for her, giving her time and incentive to transition from Mommy Town. Use foreplay techniques like massage, long hugs, listening and folding/putting away laundry before initiating sex.

Here’s to Sanity and Inviting Pants,

Cheryl

The Good & The Bad of Opposites Attracting :: Tuesday Tip

May 19, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Ever wonder how you can be drawn so strongly to a person at the beginning of a relationship and then feel perpetually annoyed with them later on? It has to do with that age-old relationship paradigm: Opposites attract. This cliché happens to hold a lot of truth. Just like magnets, humans are pulled to each other by opposing poles or traits. Later in the partnership, it’s as though those same magnets are flipped on their ends and suddenly repelling away from each other. We’ll give you some tips on dealing with those inevitable challenges, but first, let’s discuss:

The 4 Reasons Why Opposites Attract

1. We tend to be attracted to individuals who have strengths or traits that we don’t have. Yes, you probably share common values, interests and tastes with the person you are drawn to. But when it comes to personality characteristics, you will often be on the opposite side of the spectrum from your mate.

2. It is the unconscious mind’s way of filling in personal gaps and deficits. For instance, if you tend to be more shy and introverted, you might be attracted to someone who is gregarious and outgoing. If you consider yourself to be a neat freak, don’t be surprised if you are drawn to someone who loves clutter. If we look at it in survival of the fittest terms, a couple who has strengths in all areas will do better in the long run than a couple who’s strengths are unilateral.

3. In terms of sexual chemistry and attraction, we are more triggered by someone who challenges us and brings out suppressed personality traits that we don’t possess. If you matched up with someone who was exactly like you, there wouldn’t be any zing or fire in your relationship. True story. The differences in a relationship create tension, and tension creates excitement.

4. At the risk of sounding too Freudian, we tend to be attracted to people who remind us of the good and bad of our parents or other close family members. It might be nature’s way of giving us another chance to work through our childhood conflicts and struggles. Not very nice of nature, eh? But a great opportunity for growth.

So what happens after the honeymoon period is over and the “being on your best behavior” phase is long gone? Many couples find themselves feeling continually irked with each other. I often hear in my counseling practice, “Why can’t my husband make decisions the way I do?” or “Why in the world does my girlfriend approach things that way?” or “Why does everything have to be a struggle?”

We hear your pain. Here are:

4 Tips for Rediscovering The Magnetism In Your Relationship

1. Remember why you were attracted to your partner in the first place. Consider making a list of the things you were drawn to in your mate. Example: My husband has a garage full of sports equipment, wood working tools and other remnants of hobbies and collections. All of these items and activities require money and time. When I begin to feel annoyed with the clutter or the financial costs, I have to remind myself of what attracted me to my husband in the first place: he was adventurous, interested in many things, curious and knowledgeable about a lot of subjects. When I remind myself of these traits, I feel more tolerant of the clutter and admiring of his continued passion for life.

2. Appreciate the strengths your partner has that you don’t have. Example: One of my clients, we’ll call her Sue, hates how her husband takes the kids on all-day adventures and brings them home past their bedtime, covered in dirt and bug bites. When she pauses, she remembers that she fell in love with her husband’s adventurous spirit and carefree attitude. Sue notices that her kids are smiling and that they are probably benefiting from her husband’s different parenting style.

3. Ask yourself if you have something to learn or gain from your partner’s opposing traits. Example: Another client of mine, we’ll call him Alan, get’s extremely frustrated with his wife’s insistence on keeping their house immaculately clean. He said that he feels like he is living in a hotel — it doesn’t feel like a home to him. When he explores his feelings more, he acknowledges that he has a history of being a slob and that his wife’s cleanliness has helped him to be more neat and organized in his own life.

4. Make small requests of each other when you feel like you are on opposing teams. Just because you appreciate your partners differing strengths doesn’t mean that you can’t communicate your unmet needs or concerns. When the timing is right, use the soft start approach, and give your partner gentle requests. These requests just might help your mate to inch a little bit out of their comfort zone and experience personal grow as a result. Here are some examples based on the scenarios above:

Kirsten (to husband): I love how you are interested in SO many things. Would you like me to buy some storage bins so we can organize the garage this weekend and you can have easier access to all of your crap? (Oops! That was a little passive aggressive. Let’s try again.) Easier access to all of your gear?

Sue (to husband): I know that you and the kids will have an amazing time on the greenbelt today. Do you mind getting them home before bedtime tonight so we can be fresh for the soccer game tomorrow?

Alan (to wife): Wow, the house looks great. How about if we take the day off from cleaning today and just relax with the dishes and laundry? I’ll help you catch up tomorrow.

Here’s the kicker. Don’t be surprised if one or more of your kids also has opposing traits to you. That child might challenge you just as much as your partner, but if you use the suggestions above, both you and your little one will flourish.

Here’s to Sanity & Magnets,

Kirsten

The Five Friends You Need to Drop :: Monday Musing

April 13, 2015 By: babyproofedparents3 Comments

I recently did a workshop on healthy friendships for a mom’s support/networking group. We began with ways to identify unhealthy friendships, and the room lit up with recognition. Every woman nodded along with at least one example, and their expressions were a mix of insight and frustration. The best observation/question: “Why do we do this?” Why, when our time is so precious, and we barely have enough of it to manage work, caring for our families and with the remaining scraps, ourselves, spend mental energy on friendships that drain us dry? There are so many factors that keep us connected to toxic relationships, most of which tap into self-esteem. I lose count of how often I quote Kirsten’s perfect philosophy on friendships, which are often the only elective relationships we have: “Friendships should be Delicious.”

Any positive change requires an honest assessment of where you currently are. As you read these checklists of unhealthy and healthy friend characteristics, consider the 5 friends you devote the most time to (not the 5 you enjoy the most, unless they’re the same people!):

Unhealthy:

1. It’s always all about her. She dominates every conversation, immediately bringing anything you share back to a personal struggle of hers. If she asks how you’re doing, it’s usually 5 minutes before it’s time to pick up the kids. “Soooo, how are YOU? Oops, gotta run…”

2. He’s catty. He spends the majority of your time together talking smack about all of his other friends and family members. It’s okay to vent, but if it’s not for the purpose of improving a relationship, it can get toxic. Likely, you’re not immune to the negativity and gossip he spreads.

Oh, Nelly…

3. She’s a “Negative Nelly” Oleson. She always plays “Devil’s Advocate,” not your advocate. She doesn’t celebrate your success authentically, and in fact seems jealous. When you share your struggles with her, you feel slightly worse instead of better. She just doesn’t have your back.

4. She can’t keep track. Maybe this friendship began with you re-introducing yourself on 5 separate occasions before it stuck. Major details of your life situation and important stories that took a lot of trust for you to reveal escape her. You repeat yourself constantly and feel vaguely invisible.

5. Guilt, not love, bonds you. You find yourself making up excuses to avoid making plans, and feel anxious when you have to cancel. You always seem to be falling short of his needs from the friendship. You don’t look forward to spending time with him, and you feel “stuck” instead of bonded.

Healthy:

1. There’s reciprocity. No matter how little time you have together, you both share and listen, both feeling heard and understood by the other.

2. He’s loving. He vents, but doesn’t attack the character of others, and is motivated to improve his relationships. You know that he will stick up for you if needed.

3. She’s uplifting and loyal. When you’re on cloud 9, so is she. When you are sad, she cries with you and hugs you tight. You leave time together feeling clearer, motivated and nurtured.

4. She pays attention. She actively listens, and remembers (at least generally) what you’ve shared with her. She makes cognitive space in her busy world for you, and you feel very seen by her.

5. Love, not guilt, bonds you. You can go for stretches of time without connecting, and pick up exactly where you left off. You look forward to and savor time with him, and you both do what it takes to make time for each other. You feel accepted and loved exactly as you are, and if there are issues or miscommunications between you, it’s easy to talk them through and adjust. The friendship is yummy.

Even a solid, healthy friendship can temporarily have unhealthy qualities, maybe because one or both of you is going through a difficult time. But, if the relationship has been a drag for a long time, draining your time and your joy, consider addressing the issues or creating some distance. The hardest work can be considering whether you bring unhealthy qualities to the friendship table yourself, and figuring out how to make changes (be patient with me, my sweet peeps, I’m working on it!).

Here’s to Sanity and Deliciousness,

Cheryl

Keeping Your Relationship Hydrated :: Tuesday Tip

April 7, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

In my many years of counseling, I have never encountered a “perfect” couple. All relationships have their challenges and rough spots – mine is no exception! I’ve learned along the way that the trick to long-term relationship success is not to be perfect or conflict-free. The trick is to maintain a strong supportive foundation so that you and your partner can weather the rocky periods.

When a couple walks into my office, and I can tell they are getting on each others’ last nerve, I talk to them about Rain Water Collection. (I know, strange. But hang with me for a sec.) If you know anyone who lives off of rain water – which is getting more common in this eco-friendly 21st century – you’ll know that they love a heavy spring shower or a gigantic thunderstorm. Their water tanks get filled to the max and they can breathe a big sigh of relief, knowing that they will have plenty of water to last them through the dry summer months. A relationship is similar. Just like tiny raindrops, there are small things you can do every day to fill up the reserves. The more drops or positive things you pour into the relationship, the more cushion you have for the dry spells. The result is a strong foundation of trust, love and patience.

What happens when the heat is on and you and your partner exchange harsh words or do something hurtful to each other? A tiny bit of your reserves evaporate. Just as little positive things fill up your love tank, tiny negative things can drain it. If your relationship experiences enough negativity, or goes through a major trauma such as an affair or a bout with addiction, you might find your relationship completely dehydrated and in a full fledged drought that feels hard to come back from.

How do you rebuild the trust and patience when you are running on empty? You return to the little things… little gestures, little favors, little compliments. These actions are contagious and the more that you make an effort to hydrate your relationship, the more your partner will feel appreciated and follow suit. Bit by bit, you will refill the tank and find yourself enjoying that loving feeling again.

The truth is, you WILL have fights with your partner, you WILL get annoyed with them at times, and one or both of you WILL let each other down. But if you go into those challenges with a full reservoir versus a depleted tank, you will have an easier time rebounding and navigating through the obstacles.

Parenthood can both enhance a relationship AND put an enormous strain on it. When I meet with expectant parents, I encourage them to spend the nine months before baby filling up their virtual rain tank. Give your partner compliments, surprise them with a card or a gift, be affectionate and speak to each other with kindness and patience so that you have a full reservoir when you are facing the sleepless nights and gassy infant ahead. Whether you are expecting a baby, raising a baby or well beyond babies, keeping your relationship hydrated and your water barrels full will help you to manage whatever challenges come your way.

Here’s to Strength and Thunderstorms,

Kirsten

Tone it Down – How to Speak Softer and Get Heard :: Tuesday Tip

March 3, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Your baby is fussy, house a wreck, and you’re sitting there, stewing in anger and frustration. By the time your partner walks through the front door, your emotions have reached a fever pitch, and before you know it, word vomit is everywhere. “What were you doing today?! Didn’t you get my TEXTS and voiceMAILS?!” She looks at you, stunned, and either word vomits back, or shuts down completely. Both of you feel terrible. It’s the same with kids. Trying to get them to make different choices by yelling at them never works. They reflexively clam up, retreat, lie or yell back. We never quite grow out of those responses to being “in trouble.”

In his stellar, research-based book The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman identifies several unhealthy communication habits that destroy relationships. This one? “The Harsh Start-Up.” Kirsten’s 5 suggestions on what to give your partner when you’re feeling annoyed made me think hard about this specific communication error, which can shut a conversation down before it even starts. So how do you avoid a harsh start-up when you’re really upset?

Purge it. Find ways to let out some of the intense feelings before you try to talk to your partner about your needs, through things like journaling, a spurt of vigorous exercise, or screaming into your pillow. When you’re feeling flooded emotionally, it’s often impossible to identify what would help you feel better or communicate respectfully.
Process it. Talking to another parent or trusted friend outside of your intimate relationship can help you sort through the emotions, discern what might be your own issues to work on, and what you should bring to the table with your partner.
Present it. Try keeping your voice calm. Avoid criticism, blaming and lecturing. Explain how you feel, and ask for what you need in a measurable way. “I felt overwhelmed today, and when you didn’t respond to my messages, I also felt alone. Will you please check your phone at lunchtime, and respond with a short text, letting me know you heard me?” Anger is normal, healthy, and often justifiable, but if you want positive, lasting change, delivery is critical.

Here’s to Sanity and Being Heard,

Cheryl

5 Things for New Moms to Give Their Partners :: Tuesday Tip

February 10, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Note from the author: These tips are not just applicable to husbands and wives, they are relevant to any parenting partnership!

Many of my new mom counseling clients tell me that they feel like they’ve developed multiple personalities after giving birth. A few weeks into their parenting adventure, they eagerly wait by the door for their husbands to come home from work. And when he finally gets there, they feel completely annoyed — and eagerly wait for him to leave again.

I understand what they’re talking about. I experienced my own mixed feelings regarding my hubby when I became a new mother. There were moments when I felt like I couldn’t have found a sweeter, more intuitive man to co-parent my children with. “I won the parenting jackpot,” I told my friends, “He is so sweet to our baby and does SO much to help me.” Other times I felt like my man was put on this Earth, and specifically in my life, to aggravate me and let me down. He didn’t know what I needed, he didn’t know the right things to say, he just didn’t…

Before reaching the point of wanting to kick your husband out, here are 5 things to try giving him:

Give him the scoop: Fill your husband in on what you are experiencing as a new mother. Your hormones are all over the place. You don’t know what a full-night’s sleep is any more. Your body just went through a gigantic ordeal and your life has changed dramatically. If you worked prior to having a baby, you are now adjusting to being home alone all day with a little crying creature who doesn’t speak the same language as you. This is a huge adjustment and your husband will be better able to support you if he knows what an enormous transition your body and mind are going through. Keep him informed so he understands that this isn’t a walk in the park for you and that you need as much help as possible.

Give him patience: Remember that you are not the only one trying to figure out how to do this parenting thing. Your husband is also new to the role of Dad, and he might need time to learn how to best support you and baby. If he spends a lot of time on the road or at the office, he may need occasional tutorials or updates on how to bounce baby when he’s fussy, or how to feed baby solids without them being spit up all over the floor. Be easy on your man – the two of you will figure out your new jobs together, in time.

Give him a piece of your mind: OK, listen to me closely here. This may seem like common sense, but it actually isn’t for most of us. Your husband cannot read your mind. He doesn’t know that you wanted him to pick up dinner from the Thai restaurant on the corner because you’ve been pacing the kitchen all afternoon with a fussy baby. He doesn’t realize that you haven’t had a shower in three days and that the grease in your hair is not part of a new slicked-back hair style you are going for. He might not understand that you have reached your last straw and that you are seriously about to lose it. As we always tell our young kids, use your words and tell your husband what you need and want. Sometimes it might be as simple as saying, “I need you to give me a big hug and tell me everything is going to be OK.” Or it might be as big as stating, “I am really struggling today and about to lose it. I need you to step in with the baby and give me a Target break so I can blow off some steam in the pretty pillow and vase aisle.”

Give him your time: One of the things that suffers the most when you have a new baby in the house is time together as a couple. With this lack of couple time, intimacy and lovey-dovey feelings can take a dive. When you can, and IF you can, make time for little dates with each other. It might look like sitting on the couch with a dark beer (to increase your breast milk of course!) and watching the latest Netflix download. Or… if you can snag a babysitter, get OUT of the house with your partner, even if it is for an hour or two. Connecting with each other as a couple, and not as two parents passing each other in the middle of the night, can bring you closer together and reignite that spark that you felt pre-baby.

Give him hell: IF you are giving your husband all of these things and he still isn’t stepping up to the plate, share your feelings of frustration with him. Use classic “I statements” to get your point across. “I feel like I am doing everything by myself around here and getting no support.” “I wait eagerly for you to come home and then I feel like you aren’t tuning in to the baby and me.” “I am really struggling. I could use more help.” You get the picture – you can be assertive and direct and still keep your cool. Then go back to #3 and be specific about your needs and wants.

You may be reading this and thinking, None of this describes my husband. He is the best co-parent in the world! If that is the case, great! But if you are feeling the annoyances that many new mothers experience, refrain from beating yourself up and give these suggestions a try. You might find yourself falling in love all over again with that man whom you call your husband.

Here’s to Sanity and Netflix,

Kirsten

No Take Backs – 15 Ways To Keep Your “No” In Place :: Tuesday Tip

December 16, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Can you identify with this scenario? You need to say no. After agonizing, practicing a speech beforehand, and finally saying no, you immediately feel crappily guilt-ridden and take it back, then wind up agreeing to do even more than you were initially asked to. The reasons for our difficulty in setting limits are complicated, often stemming from early childhood . Maybe your family was controlling and didn’t allow you to say no, or you had parenting examples of adults who overextended themselves. Adding a new life to your family can bring your “no” problems into stark view, as you’re preparing to set new limits for your growing family, and for your baby, who is obviously incapable of doing so for herself. Here are 15 ways to help you keep your “no” in firm place:

Preparation:

Remind yourself of why you personally struggle with setting limits (you’re a “pleaser”, you’re afraid of the “b-word”, etc). This will help you rise above the present issue you’re saying no to, helping you separate your strong emotional drivers from the 10 dozen cupcakes you’ve been asked to bake.
Write down your top three reasons for saying no. Keep the short list close to you for retrieval after you’ve had your conversation.
Write down three things you’ll have time for that you personally want or need to do, once you say no to this other thing. Keep this list close by too.
Notice your physical state as you prepare. Does the very thought make your breathing irregular and your pulse race? This is sign that you’re tapping into some old internal issues. Go back to #2.
Take a few moments before making the call, or sending the email or text to breathe deeply into your belly. Pull in as much fresh air as you can take, hold it for a couple of beats, then let it allllll out. Repeat 5 times minimum. Being physically grounded will help immensely.

Action:

If you’re saying no to someone who doesn’t respond well (is passive-aggressive, frowns, glares, yells, manipulates, etc), remind yourself of this truth, “It’s okay that I’m saying no to this person. I care about her, but her negative reactions to it are not my responsibility.”
Look down at your two lists. Touch them, smile at them, thank them for being there. If the conversation is in person, have them in your pocket and give them a little stealth pat.
Take a break. Very little in life is actually urgent enough to demand an immediate answer. If you start feeling flooded and tempted to take it all back, excuse yourself from the conversation, hit the restroom and repeat your five breaths.
Focus your attention on your two strong, pretty feet. Notice those firmly planted feet on the ground, imagining the guilty feelings and pressure you’re experiencing as wind swirling around you. It’s not strong enough to throw you off.
Guilt and shame rising up? Consider them growing pains. You’re strengthening a new muscle, and healthy growth is often best friends with soreness.

Post-Op:

Repeat your five breaths.
Immediately grab your lists of why you decided to say no, and what you’ve gained by having done so. Read them again and again.
If you feel tempted to take back your no, call a supportive friend or your partner instead, processing it and asking for some encouragement/reassurance that you did the right thing for yourself and/or your family.
Remind yourself of the reality you’d like to live, in which you could give of your time and resources from a place of generosity and love, instead of guilt and control.
Listen to this.

Here’s to Sanity and Little Stealth Pats,

Cheryl

3 Ways to Get Calm and Fight Fair :: Tuesday Tip

November 18, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Fiery conflict with your partner can easily reduce you to your worst self. This makes no sense and complete sense. You love this person, so why do you hate/fear/distrust them sometimes? Because you love this person. You’ve likely risked everything, and they’ve seen you naked, in every sense of the word. If you’re expecting, the risks can feel exponentially more intense. You are at your most vulnerable, and unfortunately at times, at your most savagely self-protective. This is the best time to use your fire escape plan, creating physical distance between you and your partner, so you both can calm down and hopefully reengage from a rational place to resolve your issues.

But once you have the space, how exactly do you calm down? Here are three ways to get your perspective back in a hurry:

1. Create a list of at least three memories about your partner that make you feel safe and connected. It’s best to do this when you’re NOT in conflict, so you can pull it up mentally during rocky moments. Maybe it was a special date, or the way she was there for you when things were rough at work, or the way he locked eyes with you during your first ultrasound. Update and add new positive moments to your list as they occur.

2. Separate the past from the present. Is something about this fight familiar? Did the issue remind you of a past relationship in which you were hurt, or something from your childhood? Maybe you felt your partner was ignoring your needs, and it reminded you of feeling neglected when you were little. Pull back to the present, and consider the possibility that your partner was NOT ignoring you, but was distracted and flooded with his own defensiveness and emotions. Avoid holding your partner accountable for things she hasn’t actually done.

3. Remind yourself of your own strength and resourcefulness. Doing so can keep you grounded during conflict, instead of being completely swept away by emotion and incapable of logical discussion (to solve anything, you have to have both feelings and practicality in tact). It helps to have a mental image or memory that encapsulates your strength. My go-to strength memory is the birth of my second child. I knew mentally and physically what to expect, and felt present from the first contraction to the final push. When I feel scared or out of control, I pull that memory up and think, “I did that, so I can do this.”

My favorite Ben Harper lyric: “When you have everything, you have everything to lose.” Worth a fiery fight sometimes, and worth the necessary work to convey passion and respect.

Here’s to Sanity and Savagery,

Cheryl

Speak My Language :: Tuesday Tip

August 12, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

“I feel taken for granted, unappreciated.”

“I don’t feel close to my partner any more.”

“It seems like we’re bickering roommates… there’s no affection.”

These are some of the more common complaints that I hear from couples during their first counseling session. They’re not feeling the love and they’re looking for tools to bridge the gap. My usual response? “You guys are normal. Staying close and lovey-dovey as a couple is challenging, especially after introducing kids into the picture. Let’s dive in and talk about ideas for reconnecting.”

Invariably, our discussion leads us to the classic relationship guide, The Five Love Languages. As Dr. Gary Chapman explains in his decades-old book, most individuals have specific preferences when it comes to expressing and receiving love and affection. These preferences fall into five separate categories:

Words of Affirmation – Examples: Compliments, praise, acknowledgement, sweet messages written in a card or on a sticky note, nomination for “Parent of the Year” Award.

Acts of Service – Examples: Chores, home repairs, errands, shaving the hair on your partner’s back, anything on the To-Do List.

Receiving Gifts – Examples: As simple as a flower handpicked from the garden or as luxurious as a new BMW sitting in the driveway. (The latter being a tad over the top, but hey, it doesn’t hurt to plant a seed!)

Quality Time – Examples: Watching a favorite TV show together, chatting over coffee, going out on a date, talking on the phone, spending the day together running errands or wandering aimlessly at IKEA.

Physical Touch – Examples: Hugs & kisses, back rubs, casual touches, cuddling, gettin’ busy.

If you know your preferred love languages and those of your partner, you can request and express affection and appreciation in a way that feels like a fit. The tricky thing? Often the way that your partner prefers to show love is not necessarily what makes you feel warm and fuzzy, and vice versa. At times, couples feel like they need a translator to understand each other’s behavior.

Mind if I give you some examples from my own relationship? (I apologize in advance for any TMI.) My husband grew up in a home with two working parents and a much older brother. He remembers feeling lonely and bored as a young child. As an adult, he feels the most loved and connected when he gets Quality Time or Physical Touch. If he wants to express affection, he will offer a hug, suggest we head to the bedroom or ask me to watch a movie with him on the couch.

I, on the other hand, grew up as an over-achieving first-born in a crowded, chaotic house. I have two little boys hanging all over me on most days. Instead of Quality Time or Touch, I yearn for Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. Tell me that I am a good mom or paint that bedroom wall I’ve been whining about and I am putty in your hands.

Here’s the rub: If I only make pots of coffee for my husband and never initiate a kiss or a date night, I’m not operating with his lingo. If he only squeezes my butt, but neglects to give me verbal or written compliments, he is not communicating in my dialect. The trick to truly connecting with our partner is offering them affection and appreciation in a way that feels the most impactful to them. All five of the love languages feel loving, but tuning in to each other’s preferences will help you to feel more connected than ever.

If you haven’t already, I encourage you to take The Love Language Quiz with your partner and discuss the results. (Select the PDF version if you are short for time.) If you want more on the subject, pick up the book – it’s a great read for couples who want to strengthen their relationship. And then make an effort to speak your partner’s language on a regular basis. Life will feel more loving when you are both on the same page.

Here’s to sanity and butt squeezes,

Kirsten

On New Parents & Sex – Dr. Pat Love :: Wednesday Wisdom

June 25, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet Dr. Pat Love. It’s impossible to encapsulate Pat in a few sentences, or to fully showcase her expertise in one blog post, so we’ve chosen to glean her knowledge on transitioning your sexual relationship through the addition of a new baby to your family. You’ve likely seen Pat on TV and run across her articles in popular magazines, but she’s also a distinguished professor, licensed marriage and family therapist and long-standing clinical member/approved supervisor for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists. Pat has authored/co-authored numerous articles and six books, including Hot Monogamy and How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. She’s a popular national and international presenter, trainer and relationship consultant, but most of all, after 30 years she simply enjoys being a helper. I first heard Pat being interviewed on a radio talk show, and mid-way realized I was shouting out loud, “Yes!!! Me toooo!” When I’m yelling at a tiny clock radio in an empty bathroom, I’m pretty sure I’m in the presence of wisdom.

BPP: What drew you to specializing in relationships and intimacy issues?

PL: I am a life-long learner, and the drive to learn led me to research and study relationships. I had a lot to learn personally about love, intimacy, sexuality and parenting, and the more I learned along the way, the more I was able to pass this knowledge on to my clients as well as others in the helping professions. Because relationships are more difficult in the 21st century, the challenge of helping families and couples keeps me energized and excited. I am very grateful for meaningful work and the practical knowledge I’ve been able to pass on to others. It’s an exciting time to be a relationship consultant!

BPP: What are common sexual intimacy issues you see in couples who have added a new baby to the family?

PL: Pure exhaustion has to be the number one issue. The 24/7 responsibility cannot be explained to anyone who has not experienced it. Sleep deprivation, worry, time pressure and caregiver-overwhelm—all create a form of stress unlike any other. Oddly, this type of strain makes half the population want sex more and the other half of the population want sex less (Uh, what would be below wanting it less? Unconscionable? Out of the realm of possibility? Infuriating? Seriously?). A typical couple has one person from each category so you do the math. Desire discrepancy is the norm in most couples, but it becomes exacerbated during the first couple of parenthood years. This “I’m Hot and You’re Not Syndrome” can cause stress and compassion fatigue in couples.

Another fact not given enough attention is that new moms don’t get their normal libido back for at least a year after the baby’s birth, and even longer with breast feeding. This is Nature’s way of getting you to focus on this baby instead of making another one. Women may need to be more proactive when it comes to creating sexual desire, possibly a new experience not required before.

Another issue: the role of providing post-partum help and assistance to the mom. It is imperative for the partner to understand that help and support is directly tied to the mother’s sex drive. A partner who does not help is providing a strong sexual disincentive to the mother! Whatever is more powerful than a “turnoff” —use that word here to describe how it feels to be expected to be sexual when your partner is not helping or sensitive to the need for help.

One more thought: a new baby changes the family constellation and the roles the partners personify. When it’s just the two of you, all your discretionary time can be lavished on one another. Plus, the expectations are unified around the role of partner, best friend, confidant, sexual partner. When baby arrives, all of the sudden you are Mom and Dad, not just lovers and spouses. Whole new ball game. You are now sharing your time, energy and attention with another person who is by nature very demanding and determined to be the priority.

If the new baby isn’t your first, the issues mentioned above are still relevant because two, or three or four children take more time than one.

BPP: What is the average time frame in which a new mom could expect to feel her libido return to normal, and what are the factors that reduce a woman’s sex-drive after giving birth?

PL: This depends upon how long you’ve been in the relationship; how much personal knowledge you have about your own arousal/desire style; and your desire level prior to the pregnancy. For most women, the libido fully returns in about a year or after breast feeding has ceased. Medications and hormones can obviously change this. Women with a naturally high libido can see a return sooner.

BPP: What advice would you offer a new mom who is physically able to resume her sexual relationship, but can’t seem to get into the mood?

PL: First and foremost, honor yourself for sharing this normal experience with millions of women around the world! Second, let your imagination run wild and fantasize about what would excite you (not just sexually, but what would excite you period!). If your answer is something like, “A month of restful sleep,” then so be it. Negotiate from this point.

Post-partum turn-ons are likely very different than before. Be brave in voicing your needs and desires. If you need some of the pampering the baby is getting, then put it in positive, measureable and specific (you can remember the acronym PMS) terms for your partner to lavish on you. Examples: “For the next full week, let me sleep through the night while you get up with the baby.” “Take care of dinner through the end of this month.” “Ask your mom to bring dinner over once a week.” “Take care of the baby for one hour in the evening while I have some time to myself.”

BPP: What advice/perspective would you offer fathers/parenting partners who are feeling frustrated with the lack of post-baby physical intimacy?

First, do everything in your power to lower your partner’s stress; this is post-partum foreplay! Second, be as patient as possible in the first three months. Third, be clear about your sexual needs; make sure you are voicing your desire in a kind, clear manner. Lavish each other with S.O.S., skin-on-skin contact. It’s not just the baby who needs affection and caregiving! Don’t hesitate to seek guidance from good books, sites and support.

BPP: What are ways expectant couples can prepare proactively mentally/emotionally for the possible changes in their post-baby sexual relationship?

PL: Read, learn, talk to others who have done it successfully. Make sure your communication skills are exceptional; couples who can stay connected through this time are the happiest. Prioritize tasks and make sure your relationship is on the list. Some things you can let go for years (a neat garage or the perfect yard); others have to be made vital.

BPP: What do you find yourself saying over and over to new moms about their sexual relationships? New dads/parenting partners?

PL: Partnering is the primary part of parenting!

BPP: What are ways new parents can remain close intimately during the first 6 weeks after giving birth, when sex is off limits, and both parents are exhausted?

PL: Holding each other while you hold the baby. Lots of S.O.S. (skin-on-skin) with one another. Sleeping and napping together. Keeping chores to a minimum. Let others help. Ask for help so you can enjoy each other as well as the baby. Buy sleep, rest and fun via hiring out to get chores done. When others offer help, let them do the jobs that will enable you two to spend time together and with the baby.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?

PL: Buy more underwear—you won’t have to worry about doing laundry for yourself that way.

Thank you Pat, for your accessible suggestions and guardianship of couples! We value your work and are grateful for your contribution to our BPP volume of wisdom. And, we can’t resist this opportunity to note the sheer perfection of your last name.

C & K ♥

I’d Die For Them – A Modern Family’s Tale :: Monday Musing

June 23, 2014 By: babyproofedparents3 Comments

Occasionally at BPP we make things personal. Our hope is that revealing some of our own struggles and triumphs will resonate with and inspire you. Cheryl submitted this essay to the Gay Dad Project, an online resource for families in which one parent has come out as LGBTQ. The Gay Dad Project provides a safe space for families to tell their stories, connect and raise awareness. We decided her essay was worth sharing with you too.

I’d Die For Them – A Modern Family’s Tale

It’s easy to say you’d die for your kids. It seems standard to parenting – this unflinching belief that you’d throw yourself between them and the train or the rabid dog, drape your body over them as the tornado touches down, over the grenade as it detonates. We visualize these scenes and marvel at our selfless love. I’d reflexively sacrifice my life for them.

What I marvel at now? How much harder it is to sacrifice my ego. Even for one day. If I died, I wouldn’t have to witness the aftermath. Living, I have to watch the steady impact of how ill-prepared I feel for navigating the four of us through this alternative universe of modern family-ism.

Before J and I married, we had a secret exchange. Facing each other on his twin bed, I learned about his bisexuality, and he learned about my painfully colorful past. We offered each other absolution and acceptance. I fell in love with his jawline and his way of sitting quietly next to me whenever I cried or screamed. We plowed ahead for 13 sweet years, helping each other heal and deprogram the shame we’d been fed a steady diet of since birth. We started to outgrow the construct of our marriage when we had our daughter, and when we had our son two years later, we combusted. I never recovered my desire to be intimate with him after my first pregnancy. I blamed hormones, stress, my history of detaching emotionally, anything I could find to avoid seeing what was slowly changing right in front of me. His lifelong fight to live comfortably in our hetero world and inflate the slight side of himself that was attracted to women was diminishing.

At bedtime, we tell our children, “We love you no matter what.” He sat in duplicity night after night – saying it to our daughter and son, but incapable of saying it to himself. While he silently swallowed back his knowing and his fear, I started having feelings for another man, rendering my explanations for my lack of libido moot. Then there was the night. I walked into the house, took his hand, led him away from the roasted chicken sitting on the table and into our bedroom. I spilled my guts. 48 hours of crying and talking and yelling and silence later, he came out.

I can’t begin to fathom J’s pain, and it’s not mine to share. My grief was rage. My tears were sweat. Buckets of it, spilled on weights at the gym, on the streets of our neighborhood as I ran in the dark watching the houses wake up, on one tiny square of kitchen floor tile as I danced late at night like a rave maniac raising blisters on the soles of my feet. Music blared into my ears, as loud as I could get it. I exponentially worsened the hearing damage inflicted in college when Gibby Haynes came onstage firing blanks from a shotgun. I was trying to move my body away from this new reality and drown out the sound of breaking.

Regarding perspectives, I’m Team Frankl: they’re chosen, and I prefer mine fresh. My ego begged me to make J’s sexuality personal. “See? You knew this risk all along. You signed up to get duped. You’re not woman enough to sustain him.” But it’s not about me. It’s not about him. It’s about freedom. The freedom to choose: live a facade, or acknowledge that something big grew from within us and had to break our construct into a million pieces if any of us were to evolve. How strong is the father of my children? He’s more masculine than many straight men I know, because he had the balls to reveal his true identity to himself, his religion, his family, and in what now feels like a gift, to me. And I got to receive the gift first.

It’s fitting. Our friendship became lust at Six Flags Over Texas. Our split went down roller-coaster style, as we held hands and eye contact, and stepped out over the abyss. We’re slowly guiding two gorgeous little people through what it’s like to live with parents who sometimes have no clue who we are. We narrate as we go, answering their 3 and 5-year-old questions with the constant underscore, “Your parents respect and love each other, and give each other freedom.” We’re fearfully and proudly living as a modern family: divorced part-time housemates/besties/co-parents rotating through the home where our kids live full time and an apartment where we individually live part-time. You’d just have to see it to understand it, but it’s beautiful and it works. We surround ourselves with people who support us. And love those who don’t, but politely remind them where our door is located should they need it.

If we’d give up our lives for our kids, can we give up our egos and our grand plans and our “situations”? Because what are those things anyway? Especially when they’re situated comparatively next to evolution, freedom and love? Give me huge servings of the latter.

4 Ways to Keep the Love Alive :: Tuesday Tip

June 17, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Last November, English researchers published a study arguing that child-less couples are happier in their relationships than couples with kids. Within hours of the press release, the researchers’ claims were splashed around the Internet and a healthy, heated debate ensued. People argued that the research was flawed, that children brought immeasurable happiness and that the long-term benefits of being a parent outweighed the short-term strains on an intimate relationship.

Many of us parents (who were at home changing diapers and wiping snotty noses) did not participate in the debate. Instead we rolled our eyes and said, “Well… duh… we could have told you that!” It’s a widely known fact that having children takes a toll on a relationship: You can’t go on dates at the drop of a hat. You and your partner get less one-on-one time together. And if the two of you do sneak in some alone time, you’re often too tired to do anything other than watch a movie and doze off on the couch.

That being said, I’m going to argue that parents can prove the research wrong. As a counselor, I have observed many couples grow closer than ever after adding littles to their tribe. Watching your partner bring a child into the world and then morph into a mother or father can be a very sweet and endearing process. My advice is to capitalize on this new-found appreciation of each other, and then make a very deliberate and conscious effort to keep the spark alive. It can be done, I promise! Here are four suggestions for feeling closer than ever to your mate:

Share Your Gratitude: Get in the habit of thanking each other for the smallest things. Thank you for emptying the dishwasher. Thanks for giving me a breather and taking over with our colicky baby last night when I was about to lose it. I really appreciate how you didn’t dump your shoes in the middle of the floor when you came home yesterday. Thank you for picking up my favorite dark chocolate at the grocery store. Thank your partner, and then thank them again. The attitude of gratitude in your relationship will feed positivity and help you to appreciate your partner rather than resent them.

Re-Romanticizing Exercise: After a couple has been together for several years, they typically grow out of the habit of doing sweet things for each other. The reasoning: You’ve secured your partner. No need to charm or court them anymore, right? Wrong. In his book, Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix gives his readers this assignment: Make a list of ten small gestures that make you feel special and loved. Ask your partner to do the same, and then exchange the lists. Need some inspiration for your list? Think back to when you and your spouse were dating. Some examples might be:

Come home with flowers for no reason.
Rub my shoulders for ten minutes.
Bring me a cup of coffee in bed. (Better yet, with whipped cream and a dash of cinnamon on top!)
Leave a sweet note on the fridge.
Light a fragrant candle before I get home.
Whip together my favorite dinner.
Put fresh linens on the bed and then turn down the sheet.
E-mail me a short poem.

You get the picture. After you’ve exchanged lists, commit to doing two things for your partner every week, unannounced, no strings attached. These random acts of kindness will help to naturally manifest an atmosphere of support and love.

Make Time for Couple Time: OK, we know that new parents do not have the time or energy to get out very often, if at all. But there are work-arounds to this dilemma. Set aside time for “home-dates”. Some examples: Cuddling on the couch while you watch your favorite TV show. Sharing a cup of coffee or a glass of vino on the back patio. Perusing the IKEA or West Elm catalog together for that rug you really need. When your babies are old enough to be left alone, book a babysitter at least once a month and get out on a date. You need to make time for each other. And that is an order!

Bedtime Compliments: I’m not referring to complimenting your partner for their bedroom skills, although that can’t hurt! Instead I encourage you get in the habit of sharing one thing that you love about each other before you go to bed each night. I love the sound of your voice on the phone. I really like how organized you are. I love that you are able to find the humor in the ridiculousness of being covered in spit up. You are so sexy when you dance around the kitchen in your pajamas. No matter how tired you are, it is nice to fall asleep knowing that you are appreciated in a very specific way.

OK, so I know what you are thinking: Do we really have to force these things in our relationship? Shouldn’t this stuff happen organically and spontaneously? Sure, that would be ideal. But when you are sleep-deprived and surrounded by diapers, dishes and dirty laundry, it is crucial to put aside time to connect with and appreciate your partner, or else the relationship can easily slip through the cracks.

According to the same research study mentioned earlier, it is the simple expressions of gratitude and appreciation that play a big role in fulfilling marriages. So be deliberate and conscious about making these gestures part of your relationship. And then give yourself and your partner time. As the years fly by, and your kids get older, you will find more and more time to connect, and the spark that you kept alive can be fanned into a full-fledged flame. Let’s make a collective effort to prove the researchers wrong and find romance in our relationships amidst the diapers, burp cloths and butt paste.

Here’s to sanity and sparks,

Kirsten