Blog - Part 4

A Different Kind of Discipline :: Wednesday Wisdom

March 10, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Caitlyn Weeks, MA, LPC-I

Most parents struggle with behavior management issues at some point in their child’s development. For some, the challenges might begin at 18 months when a little one tries out their first tantrum. Other parents don’t see behavior issues until they have teenagers in the house. They are the lucky few. Regardless of when the challenges occur, it is great to have a discipline philosophy ready and waiting. (Something that I certainly didn’t think of when I had my first baby!)

Natalie Love, LMFT-A, LPC

That is precisely why I wanted to interview Caitlyn Weeks, MA, LPC-Intern and Natalie Love, LMFT-A, LPC , two individuals who know a lot about the Positive Discipline approach to parenting and behavior management. Caitlyn works with parents, teens and families at Austin Family Counseling, under the supervision of Lora Ferguson, LPC-S. Natalie also practices at Austin Family Counseling and specializes in adults, couples and LBGTQ+ clients. Both hold the title of Certified Positive Discipline Parenting Educator and both are amazing resources for parents, families and teens in Austin. To read more about Caitlyn and Natalie’s backgrounds and specialties, click on their photos.

BPP: How did you two become interested in learning more about the Positive Discipline (PD) philosophy?

Caitlyn: While wading through a mountain of models and resources in graduate school, one of my favorite professors introduced me to Positive Discipline. This was around the time that I was really embracing the concept of working with families as unique systems (instead of individuals in isolation). Because I have a passion for working with teens, I was looking for a way to invite parents into the work and offer tools that would be beneficial for the whole system. The long-term benefits of PD really connected with how I experienced my parents as a child and how I relate to them as an adult. I wanted to learn more and pursued advanced training in 2013 and have been using the model with families in sessions, seminars, and groups ever since.

Natalie: When I started working with Austin Family Counseling, many of the therapists were trained in Positive Discipline. When I began learning about the approach I was really interested in how to apply the model in my own family. I was drawn to the model because it focuses on connection and encouragement rather than rewards and punishments. I was feeling discouraged as a new parent and was getting advice from my own mother and in-laws on how to do things, but didn’t really agree with some of their approaches. When I started applying PD at home my own mother was a little skeptical. She wanted to know where the punishment came in, because that is how she learned to parent. It has been so rewarding to see our extended family get on-board with this model (despite their initial skepticism) as they see how effective and beneficial it has been (and continues to be) for both our son and family as a whole.

BPP: Can you describe the foundation/basics of this discipline style?

Caitlyn: At its core, Positive Discipline is based on fostering connection in relationships. Dr. Jane Nelsen developed the model while studying the work of psychologists Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikers and attempting to make sense of her own family life and parenting strategies in the process. PD is designed to help families engage with social and life skills that encourage the development of respectful, responsible, and resourceful young people.

The five basic goals of the Positive Discipline approach:

balance kindness and firmness
promote connection
achieve long-term effectiveness
teach social and life skills for good character
invite the discovery of capability and appropriate/constructive use of personal power

Positive Discipline Tools focus on:

modeling and promoting mutual respect
learning effective communication and problem solving skills
prioritizing solutions instead of punishment and encouragement instead of praise
recognizing mistakes as opportunities for learning without permissiveness or punishment

Parents are also able to move beyond behavior modification by gaining an understanding of the beliefs children hold at the core of misbehaviors and how to work with those beliefs or “mistaken goals” of behavior in the long-term.

BPP: What do you believe sets PD apart from other behavior management or parenting approaches?

Caitlyn: This model isn’t about becoming a perfect parent. Many parents come to this model with “resource fatigue” and find relief in our hands-on application of tools. PD invites action in an approachable way and teaches concepts through experiential activities that encourage parents to practice tools and strategies in a fun, supportive, and engaging community. PD also focuses on successes and challenges, not simply misbehavior. Parents learn how to truly encourage their children and celebrate their unique gifts and talents while helping them become capable, empowered young people and fostering self-esteem.

BPP: What are the benefits of using this philosophy with kids?

Natalie: When you identify the underlying belief behind a child’s behavior it allows for connection and compassion, which I feel creates a stronger, more trusting relationship between the parent and child. Parenting is not easy but when we can maintain connection with our children, I feel it can be less discouraging when facing expected and inevitable challenges.

BPP: How early do you recommend parents start using these concepts with their children?

Natalie: I first began learning about PD when my son was about 2 years old. A lot of the tools were not easily applicable with him because he wasn’t verbal enough or did not yet have the ability to comprehend some of the ideas. However, learning and grasping the concepts as a parent was still very helpful for me in understanding his behaviors. Now he is 3 ½ and we are able to apply more of the tangible tools which have been really effective. I think parents of any age child can benefit from learning the model, but implementing some of the specific activities and tools is probably easier with children that are 3 and up.

Caitlyn: I agree with Natalie that the framework of the model is helpful at any age, but the tools really become useful around age 3 and up. This model is also fantastic for families with teens and I use it regularly in that way. Regardless of the age of the child(ren), this work invites parents to develop a greater understanding of they were parented and how those experiences inform the way they parent their own children. During times of challenge, we often revert to the type of parenting we experienced as children, so the awareness this model brings is invaluable in empowering parents to be proactive instead of reactive. Personally, I find the tools are also relevant to my relationship with my husband and we do our best to use the communication strategies frequently. A specific model for couples is currently in development and we’re looking forward to its release.

BPP: How can parents learn more about PD and start using the techniques with their own children?

Natalie: Reading the books is definitely helpful, but I have found the workshops and groups to be most effective for me in really grasping the concepts. There is something very powerful about the experiential piece, especially when co-parents can participate together! It is fun and interactive and having the shared experience helps lessen some of the shame and fear that come up as a parent. Austin Family Counseling is offering brief introductory sessions to Positive Discipline for those interested in learning more or getting a refresher on a specific topic. I think that is a really approachable way to get a feel for PD before committing to a full workshop. For those who are ready to take the plunge, our practice also offers 8-week and weekend intensive groups for parents.

Caitlyn: In addition to books and workshops, parent coaching is an invaluable way to engage with the model. With parent coaching, we offer one-on-one sessions tailored to fit your unique parenting concerns and challenges. My coaching clients receive a combination of resources and materials, “troubleshooting,” a safe place to vent constructively, and plenty of accountability and encouragement. The Austin Family Counseling Blog frequently features PD topics and is a great way to learn more about our therapists who offer parent coaching. I also think the Positive Discipline Blog is a wonderful resource for parents who are curious and interested in learning more.

BPP: Does it help with some of the biggest parent stressors such as tantrums and potty training?

Natalie: Definitely! The book, Positive Discipline A-Z: 1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems book is one of my “go-to” resources for day to day parenting stressors. You can quickly look up a topic, like tantrums, hitting, etc. and find tangible suggestions & considerations related to the issue.

BPP: What does this model look like in a private practice setting? Do you use the concepts from the PD model in your work with young clients and families?

Caitlyn: I use this model daily. Many parents come in with specific challenges or topics they would like to address and I find that Positive Discipline provides concrete, proactive strategies that lead to long-lasting results. With my teen clients, we use PD to discover empowering ways to interact with parents and other adults (teachers, coaches, bosses, etc.). The relational emphasis of PD also offers a great framework for exploring peer relationships, dating, and identity development. Regardless of the age of the client, I do my best to create an environment that is rooted in values of mutual respect, kindness, firmness, and trust. When interactions are supportive, safe, and reliable we feel better; when we feel better, we do better.

Natalie: I work mostly with adults and couples and definitely find this approach applicable! I often apply these concepts with couples and they love being able to take it home and apply it with their families. It is empowering for couples to take the tangible tools that they can relate to themselves and then see the impact it has on their family as a whole.

BPP: If you had to give one piece of sanity-saving advice to new parents, what would it be?

Natalie: You are not alone and this journey is not about being perfect! Try not to compare yourself to others, especially what you see on social media etc. People like to portray their “best selves” to the public, but we can all connect with the struggle. It’s more vulnerable to show the messy side of parenting, but it is much more authentic! This is not easy and that is okay. We can support one another, so don’t be afraid to reach out!

Caitlyn: I couldn’t have said it better. Even if it were possible to be a perfect parent, who wants to be around “perfect”? Perfection is a dangerous goal that creates automatic failure for ourselves and others. It also gets in the way of some of our most valuable opportunities for repair, connection, and growth. When you open yourself to the practice of embracing mistakes as wonderful opportunities for learning, the need for perfection falls away and creates space for something much more amazing. Recognize mistakes, learn from them, and ask for help and support as often as you need it!

Want to learn more about Caitlyn? Have a question for her? Go to this link: http://austinfamilycounseling.com/caitlyn-weeks/

Want to learn more about Natalie? Have a question for her? Go to this link: http://austinfamilycounseling.com/natalie-love/

I wish I had learned about Positive Discipline years ago when my boys were little guys! I appreciate Caitlyn and Natalie taking the time to fill us in on this wonderful discipline philosophy. It sounds like the perfect fit for 21st century parents. – KB ♥

Kicking Parenting Shame to the Curb :: Monday Musing

March 9, 2015 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

My eyes tend to wander when I’m in the grocery store check-out line. Typically, I’m scanning the magazines and tabloids, catching up on two minutes of trashy news while I wait. The other day, something else caught my attention. I noticed a couple in the check out line next to me, waiting for their groceries to be bagged and loaded up. They had a double stroller with them, the kind that fits two infant car seats.

One infant was nestled all snug in her car seat. The other infant, let’s call him Twin #2, was strapped to mom in a baby carrier. Twin #2, who looked to be about two-months-old, was clearly done with shopping. He was screaming as loudly as his little two-month-old lungs could manage. My eyes drifted to the parents. Their faces revealed a combination of emotions: embarrassment, stress, exhaustion and frustration. I could almost read their thoughts. Ugh, why did we think this was a good idea to bring both babies to the store? It’s just a matter of time before Twin #1 starts crying. And we’re stuck at the grocery store with no place to nurse. What were we thinking?

I wanted to leap across the check-out lane and give them a high-five. “Hey! You braved the wilderness with your infant twins and took them on an outing together. Good for you. Sure, your baby is crying, but none of us mind. You can’t stay cooped up in the house all of the time waiting for the day that they don’t cry any more. Come and hang out in the grocery store any time with those sweeties… it’s baby happy hour in here.”

Instead, I stayed quiet. I was quite sure that the mom and dad, with their furrowed brows, were not in the mood for my cheerleading that morning.

The incident triggered several memories for me, memories of parenting tension and shame.

I remembered feeling tense when my husband and I decided to take our newborn out on a dinner date with us. I couldn’t relax because I was eying the infant carrier the entire time, waiting for our little guy to wake up screaming. I recalled feeling pressure when my milk wouldn’t let down for my hungry 5-month-old baby and I had a whole dinner party waiting on me. I also remembered feeling shame when I was juggling both a tantruming toddler and a crying infant in the cereal aisle at the grocery store. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

Here’s what I’ve learned since then: Babies cry. Toddlers have fits. Parents are imperfect. When we recognize and accept these universal truths, it makes parenting a whole lot easier.

My advice to the parents of those twins? Get out and about and ditch the embarrassment. Allow your babies to be babies, and allow yourself to be human. The rest of us are busy reading about the Kardashian’s in the express lane and not bothered at all by your baby’s crying. Or we’re dealing with our own fussy little one, completely preoccupied. Parenting is all about trial and plenty of error. The trick is to give ourselves and our babies loads of grace as we work through the trials and embrace the errors.

Here’s to Sanity and Tabloids,

Kirsten

Tone it Down – How to Speak Softer and Get Heard :: Tuesday Tip

March 3, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Your baby is fussy, house a wreck, and you’re sitting there, stewing in anger and frustration. By the time your partner walks through the front door, your emotions have reached a fever pitch, and before you know it, word vomit is everywhere. “What were you doing today?! Didn’t you get my TEXTS and voiceMAILS?!” She looks at you, stunned, and either word vomits back, or shuts down completely. Both of you feel terrible. It’s the same with kids. Trying to get them to make different choices by yelling at them never works. They reflexively clam up, retreat, lie or yell back. We never quite grow out of those responses to being “in trouble.”

In his stellar, research-based book The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman identifies several unhealthy communication habits that destroy relationships. This one? “The Harsh Start-Up.” Kirsten’s 5 suggestions on what to give your partner when you’re feeling annoyed made me think hard about this specific communication error, which can shut a conversation down before it even starts. So how do you avoid a harsh start-up when you’re really upset?

Purge it. Find ways to let out some of the intense feelings before you try to talk to your partner about your needs, through things like journaling, a spurt of vigorous exercise, or screaming into your pillow. When you’re feeling flooded emotionally, it’s often impossible to identify what would help you feel better or communicate respectfully.
Process it. Talking to another parent or trusted friend outside of your intimate relationship can help you sort through the emotions, discern what might be your own issues to work on, and what you should bring to the table with your partner.
Present it. Try keeping your voice calm. Avoid criticism, blaming and lecturing. Explain how you feel, and ask for what you need in a measurable way. “I felt overwhelmed today, and when you didn’t respond to my messages, I also felt alone. Will you please check your phone at lunchtime, and respond with a short text, letting me know you heard me?” Anger is normal, healthy, and often justifiable, but if you want positive, lasting change, delivery is critical.

Here’s to Sanity and Being Heard,

Cheryl

Feeding Your Little Ones :: Wednesday Wisdom

February 25, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet Cheryl Carey, MSW. She is the founder of Taste & See Healthy Baby Food, an organization that offers tips, recipes, instructional classes and hands-on cooking workshops to parents who want more guidance on feeding their growing babies. Cheryl has a Master’s degree in social work from Texas State University and worked for more than 20 years with families and caregivers in various roles at the Texas Department of Protective Services. After giving birth to her son, Caleb, and navigating the many decisions and challenges involved in feeding a baby, Cheryl developed a new interest in early childhood nutrition. She decided to combine her passion for helping families with her love of cooking into helpful resources for parents. Introducing solids and navigating the world of baby and toddler food can be overwhelming – we wanted to learn more about the information and services that Cheryl provides to new parents.

BPP: Would you share the mission of Taste & See Healthy Baby Food?

CC: Taste & See Healthy Baby Food supports parents in creating a happy and healthy home environment in which a child can truly grow and thrive. Research indicates that establishing a nutritious diet and healthy eating habits for a child will reduce the risk of illnesses and obesity, both in childhood and adult life. I offer instructional cooking classes, free talks and other resources regarding food preparation and safety. Parents can access nutrition information, advice on feeding their child (from weaning to preschool) and recipes, all designed to help them prepare delicious homemade meals for their babies.

BPP: How did you decide to launch Taste & See?

CC: I founded my business in January 2011 after my sister-in-law, Mercedes, and I shared the experience of raising our sons together. They were born less than two days apart! We shared in the journey of learning about healthy & safe foods that we could offer our sons. I saw the benefit of having someone accompanying me on that adventure and launched Taste & See as a result.

BPP: How did your own experiences with feeding your baby impact your role as a child-nutrition educator?

CC: As a first-time parent, I found myself with more questions than answers about when and how to introduce solid food to my son. It was overwhelming. I turned to my family, friends, books, and on-line resources for answers, but found that just as I finally knew what to do for Caleb, he was moving on to the next phase! My search for answers took up precious time that I could have spent with my son as an infant. The upside was that I learned so much about the variety of food available to my family as I expanded the foods I offered to my son during the different stages.

Throughout this experience, I thought about how parents could really benefit from a resource designed to educate them about introducing healthy, fresh and homemade food EARLY in the process, rather than as they went along. I decided to create a program that offers recipes and invaluable information about nutrition and feeding. In addition, the services include food demonstrations and hands-on workshops for parents who are beginners in the kitchen and are ready to learn basic cooking skills. Honestly, I wish this guidance was available to me during my son’s first year!

BPP: What are the most common concerns you hear from new parents about feeding their little ones?

CC: 1) Knowing if their baby is ready to start solid food, 2) Difficulty navigating the food guidelines for introducing foods, and 3) Wondering if their baby is getting enough food. Parents feel overwhelmed by either the lack of information or the overwhelming surplus of information about introducing solids to infants. They have to make important decisions about whether to use commercial baby food or to prepare their own. Some parents have minimal support and information.

Taste & See Healthy Baby Food alleviates the concerns of many parents and offers guidance on introducing foods from weaning to preschool. Preparing homemade foods should not be scary or difficult. Instead, the experience of introducing foods to a baby should be fun and exciting!

BPP: When do you recommend parents begin to take your classes?

CC: I recommend that parents participate in an instructional class or schedule an in-home workshop when their baby is 5 months and older. This is based on the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommendation on when to start solid foods with your baby. There is a 4-week supply of baby food prepared during the hands-on in-home workshop — the food made can remain in the freezer for 30 days (or up to 3 months). Parents can have a freezer full of food prepared for when their baby is ready to start solids! Taste & See Healthy Baby Food offers information about nutrition and feeding from weaning to preschool.

BPP: How do you structure your classes? Is it like a traditional cooking class? Do the parents get hands-on experience?

CC: Taste & See offers two instructional one-hour classes – Homemade Baby Food 101: Fresh & Simple! (0-12 months) and Finger Foods & Lunch Box Ideas (12 months and older). The classes are comprehensive and discuss child development, basic cooking skills, age-appropriate food guidelines, nutritional recipes and more. The classes include comparisons of store bought and homemade baby food, food tastings and a demonstration for consistency and texture of foods. The classes offer food suggestions for parents using the puree method and the baby-led weaning method. In addition, there are classes on special topics offered throughout the year.

Taste & See Healthy Baby Food offers three hands-on workshops in the convenience of the parents’ kitchen. The hands-on workshops are divided up based on food stages – New Taste & Textures (4-8 months), Beyond Purees (8-12 months) and Super Eaters (12 months and older). The puree method is used to prepare homemade baby food during the workshops.

The information shared during the classes and hands-on workshops give parents a foundation of information to build on for their family’s health and well-being. Parents can also participate in seasonal classes at the farmers market to learn about fresh produce that can be used to prepare homemade foods for their child and their family. The services provided are personalized to meet the needs of each family.

BPP: What are the benefits of the hands-on workshops in the home?

Of all the services provided by Taste & See Healthy Baby Food, my personal favorite is the hands-on workshops. Parents have the option to schedule a private or a group workshop in the comfort of their own home. These workshops are a fun, unique and affordable way to enjoy the company of friends and family at any cooking skills level – beginner, intermediate, or accomplished chefs. They consist of a 2 ½ hour lesson with instruction and the hands-on preparation of a four-week supply of homemade baby food. There are a variety of workshop options: private, couples, moms groups. Parents can have fun in the kitchen while they prepare healthy and homemade foods for their children.

BPP: You are a Master-degreed social worker with over 20 years of experience working with families and caregivers within Texas Department of Protective Services. How does this experience impact how you work with parents and build partnerships in the community?

CC: I am clearly passionate and committed to the safety, protection and well-being of children. My experience with my son’s introduction to food from the time he was an infant to preschool expanded my commitment to include early childhood nutrition. I believe that the healthy food choices we make for our babies lead to healthier food choices for our family’s future. Our family’s health depends on good nutrition.

BPP: Do you often see food allergies and/or sensitivities in the families you serve? How do you accommodate for these?

CC: Taste & See Healthy Baby Food educates families about food allergies and food intolerances. We consider a variety of factors, including when to introduce allergenic foods and family history of food allergies and sensitivities. In addition, the parents are taught the 4-day rule to watch for potential food reactions. If parents know their baby is at risk for significant food allergy, they are directed to their pediatrician for medical evaluation and treatment.

BPP: How do parents feel that they benefit from taking a class or scheduling an in-home workshop?

Parents feel empowered by the information about nutrition, food preparation, recipes and tips they get during classes and workshops. Instead of feeling fearful and uncertain about introducing foods, they feel informed and excited about preparing homemade foods. Parents feel confident that they can provide the healthiest start to their little one.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?

Have fun and make memories. Relax! Food in the first year complements either breast- or bottle-feeding for your baby. If parents have unrealistic expectations when introducing foods to their little one it can create a very stressful experience. Keep these things in mind: (1) There is no rush in starting to introduce foods. (2) If a baby does not like a food you offer then wait a few days or weeks and try again. (3) It’s going to be a messy experience. Babies and toddlers explore food with their hands and learn about taste and textures when they eat. It’s up to parents to remain calm and to support their child’s learning experience. Let it be a fun experience in which you bond with your child. Capture the funny faces and the big messes by taking pictures and videos so the memories will be forever remembered.

Thank you Cheryl for sharing about this incredible resource available to new parents! As we always say, we really wish we knew you when we had newborns. C & K ♥

If you want to learn more about Cheryl’s classes, workshops, recipes or food tips, check out her website at: http://tasteseebabyfood.com/

You can also follow Taste & See Healthy Baby Food on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/tasteandseehealthybabyfood

5 Things for New Moms to Give Their Partners :: Tuesday Tip

February 10, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Note from the author: These tips are not just applicable to husbands and wives, they are relevant to any parenting partnership!

Many of my new mom counseling clients tell me that they feel like they’ve developed multiple personalities after giving birth. A few weeks into their parenting adventure, they eagerly wait by the door for their husbands to come home from work. And when he finally gets there, they feel completely annoyed — and eagerly wait for him to leave again.

I understand what they’re talking about. I experienced my own mixed feelings regarding my hubby when I became a new mother. There were moments when I felt like I couldn’t have found a sweeter, more intuitive man to co-parent my children with. “I won the parenting jackpot,” I told my friends, “He is so sweet to our baby and does SO much to help me.” Other times I felt like my man was put on this Earth, and specifically in my life, to aggravate me and let me down. He didn’t know what I needed, he didn’t know the right things to say, he just didn’t…

Before reaching the point of wanting to kick your husband out, here are 5 things to try giving him:

Give him the scoop: Fill your husband in on what you are experiencing as a new mother. Your hormones are all over the place. You don’t know what a full-night’s sleep is any more. Your body just went through a gigantic ordeal and your life has changed dramatically. If you worked prior to having a baby, you are now adjusting to being home alone all day with a little crying creature who doesn’t speak the same language as you. This is a huge adjustment and your husband will be better able to support you if he knows what an enormous transition your body and mind are going through. Keep him informed so he understands that this isn’t a walk in the park for you and that you need as much help as possible.

Give him patience: Remember that you are not the only one trying to figure out how to do this parenting thing. Your husband is also new to the role of Dad, and he might need time to learn how to best support you and baby. If he spends a lot of time on the road or at the office, he may need occasional tutorials or updates on how to bounce baby when he’s fussy, or how to feed baby solids without them being spit up all over the floor. Be easy on your man – the two of you will figure out your new jobs together, in time.

Give him a piece of your mind: OK, listen to me closely here. This may seem like common sense, but it actually isn’t for most of us. Your husband cannot read your mind. He doesn’t know that you wanted him to pick up dinner from the Thai restaurant on the corner because you’ve been pacing the kitchen all afternoon with a fussy baby. He doesn’t realize that you haven’t had a shower in three days and that the grease in your hair is not part of a new slicked-back hair style you are going for. He might not understand that you have reached your last straw and that you are seriously about to lose it. As we always tell our young kids, use your words and tell your husband what you need and want. Sometimes it might be as simple as saying, “I need you to give me a big hug and tell me everything is going to be OK.” Or it might be as big as stating, “I am really struggling today and about to lose it. I need you to step in with the baby and give me a Target break so I can blow off some steam in the pretty pillow and vase aisle.”

Give him your time: One of the things that suffers the most when you have a new baby in the house is time together as a couple. With this lack of couple time, intimacy and lovey-dovey feelings can take a dive. When you can, and IF you can, make time for little dates with each other. It might look like sitting on the couch with a dark beer (to increase your breast milk of course!) and watching the latest Netflix download. Or… if you can snag a babysitter, get OUT of the house with your partner, even if it is for an hour or two. Connecting with each other as a couple, and not as two parents passing each other in the middle of the night, can bring you closer together and reignite that spark that you felt pre-baby.

Give him hell: IF you are giving your husband all of these things and he still isn’t stepping up to the plate, share your feelings of frustration with him. Use classic “I statements” to get your point across. “I feel like I am doing everything by myself around here and getting no support.” “I wait eagerly for you to come home and then I feel like you aren’t tuning in to the baby and me.” “I am really struggling. I could use more help.” You get the picture – you can be assertive and direct and still keep your cool. Then go back to #3 and be specific about your needs and wants.

You may be reading this and thinking, None of this describes my husband. He is the best co-parent in the world! If that is the case, great! But if you are feeling the annoyances that many new mothers experience, refrain from beating yourself up and give these suggestions a try. You might find yourself falling in love all over again with that man whom you call your husband.

Here’s to Sanity and Netflix,

Kirsten

Partners in Parenting :: Wednesday Wisdom

February 4, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet Carolyn Opps. She is the Co-Founder and Program/Volunteer Coordinator with Austin-based Partners in Parenting, an organization that coordinates neighborhood-based support groups for new parents. Carolyn is a master-degreed teacher who has lived and traveled all over the world. After settling down and starting a family with her husband in Austin, she and her mother’s group friend, Krista Miller, decided to launch a non-profit organization aimed at providing much-needed support for moms and dads with new babies. We were eager to talk to Carolyn and learn more about PIP because its mission is so incredibly aligned with BPP’s focus on self-care and parental support.

BPP: Can you share how the organization, Partners in Parenting (PIP) was founded and what its mission is?

CO: A little over a year ago, Krista and I got together so that our kids could play, and decided that Austin was in need of neighborhood-based support groups for new parents. When we had our children, we looked for an organization that would help connect us with other new parents, but were unable to find what we were looking for. Krista, having been raised in Seattle, knew about a nonprofit there that had been creating neighborhood based support groups for over 30 years. We decided to give them a call, and they were very open to us implementing their program in Austin. While PIP is an independent nonprofit, the format of the groups is based on a model that has worked well in Seattle for many years. Our mission is to enable families to meet the challenges of parenting through mutual support and shared information, so that no new parent feels isolated, ill-equipped, or uninformed during their parenting adventure.

BPP: How did your own experience as a parent influence your decision to start PIP?

CO: I think I took every prenatal birthing class available to prepare for labor, and maybe read a book or two to prepare for parenting. While the classes were valuable, the best takeaways were the connections I made. I met Krista (the other PIP co-founder) and five other amazing moms-to-be at the classes. We all realized that we were due in March, so we decided to form the March Mamas group. We met once before we delivered, and about a month after having our babies. We began meeting weekly for play-dates, and monthly for mom’s night out. The advice, empathy, and camaraderie that I received from this group of women were life changing. Now that our children are all turning 3, we still see each other often and remain a strong influence in each other’s lives. My experience with my mom’s group helped to ease my transition into parenthood, and I felt that others should have the same experience.

BPP: When can parents join a PIP group? Do they have to have a newborn?

CO: Parents can join a PIP group as soon as they find out they’re pregnant up until their child is 9 months old. Our Newborn PIPsqueaks groups are for babies 0 – 4 months old, and our Baby PIPsqueaks groups are for babies 4 – 10 months. In order to give us plenty of time to find a group for you, signing up before having the baby is strongly encouraged. We generally try to have at least four participants in a certain neighborhood to create a group, so having some lead-time to organize the groups and find a facilitator is helpful.

BPP: How often do groups meet and what typically happens during a meeting? What sets them a part from a regular play group?

CO: The Newborn groups meet for 90 minutes each week for 12 weeks, and the Baby groups meet for 8 weeks. Each session starts with the facilitator asking the parents to share highs and lows from the past week. The group then takes 10 minutes to learn some new songs to sing to the babies. Parents have time to talk during a food break, and then the final 45 minutes is spent discussing a particular topic for the week. We always begin with sleeping and eating as our first two topics as they are definitely the most perplexing and pressing. We have a list of guest speakers, who are experts in certain areas, who sometimes join the group to discuss the topic about which they are knowledgeable.

A PIP group is different from a play group for a few key reasons: The groups are led by a trained facilitator, the sessions are structured to include specific topics to help the parents, and the work of finding a group of like minded new parents to connect with is done by PIP.

BPP: Now that you have been coordinating PIP groups for some time, what do you see as the greatest benefits for the parents? How about the babies?

CO: By far the greatest benefit of joining a PIP group is the connection you make with other parents in your area. Watching parents find their “village” is genuinely satisfying. The moms and dads in our groups have continued to get together and bond long after their PIP session has ended, which is has been our best determinant of success. I also think that parents who are able to feel that they aren’t alone in their struggles better adapt to the challenges they’re facing. To hear a mom say, “I cried on the way over here”, and other moms join in to say, “I cried for no reason today” allows them all to validate their feelings and to know that what they’re experiencing is perfectly normal.

The benefit to the babies is indirect but just as important. PIP is addressing the needs of new families based on the Five Protective Factors of Family Wellness: social connections, secure attachment, parental resilience, knowledge of parent and child development, and concrete support. We believe that when families are strengthened, the overall health of the community is improved. That includes the children! Essentially, happy parents = happy children.

BPP: Are the groups dad-friendly or are they targeted primarily toward moms?

CO: PIP groups are absolutely dad-friendly! We offer daytime and evening groups. The daytime groups are for moms, and the evening groups are for both partners.

BPP: PIP is a non-profit organization. How do you get your funding? Do parents pay to participate?

CO: We receive our funding from donations, grants, fundraisers, and program fees. Participants pay $150 for the Newborn group, and $100 for the Baby group. We offer scholarships to families who are not able to afford the program fee. To learn more about why we charge a program fee, please check out the FAQ section of our website.

BPP: Can you share a story from a parent who has really benefited from involvement in PIP?

CO: Sure! This is a testimony from a parent who participated in one of our spring sessions:

“The best part of being in a PIP group was meeting other parents, hearing their stories, and being able to share mine – learning from one another, person to person, is markedly different from reading resources online… while every baby and parent is different, the biggest takeaway was just that: every baby and parent IS different… we make different choices, we prioritize different ideals, we struggle in different areas, and our babies have their own challenges and developmental paces. While I wouldn’t say my pregnancy was hard, I would say it was isolating, which at times felt very hard; as a fairly social individual in general, I all of a sudden didn’t have a local support group. While I reveled in becoming a Mom, and threw myself into reading and learning all that I could, finding the PIP group was without question a massive boon to my weekly confidence: I could listen, share, and bond with a group of people who could directly empathize and offer support, all while exposing my little one to other babies and an outside experience that was fun and stimulating to her.”

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to a new parent, what would it be?

CO: Remember to take care of your needs! It’s easy to fall into a baby-centric world, but self-care is a necessity. It’s hard, but take an hour or two to do something that’s just for you (a hair cut, shopping, quiet time reading at a park, etc.). You don’t have to do it all yourself, so bring in your village to help!

Thank you to Carolyn for filling us in on this amazing resource that is available in the Austin community. Check out the Partners in Parenting website to learn more about their organization and find out how you can register for one of their neighborhood-based groups. You can also follow them on Facebook or Twitter to stay in the loop. If you don’t live in the Central Texas area, and are curious about similar organizations in your area or state, check out this link.

Thanks again, Carolyn. We wish we had access to a PIP group when we were new moms! – C & K ♥

Mommy Posture and Other Signs of Martyrdom :: Monday Musing

February 2, 2015 By: babyproofedparents5 Comments

“Did you know that bass means butt, Mom?” (insert Beavis-and-Butthead-style snickers)

And that is how the latest “out of the mouths of babes” conversation began with my 6-year-old son a few weeks ago.

He was referring to Meghan Trainor’s song, “All About That Bass”, the women’s empowerment anthem that is currently playing every hour, on the hour, on Top 40 radio.

I took a deep breath and explained to my son that, “No. Bass does not mean butt. The singer is trying to say that a woman with curves is just as beautiful as any other lady. She’s arguing that heavier women have a certain ‘boom, boom, boom’, just like a bass speaker in a stereo, that makes them special. They don’t have to try hard to be super skinny like the edited images we see on TV or in magazines.”

I went on to add, “Some people might say that your mom doesn’t have a lot ‘bass’ because I’m not very curvy.”

And here’s where the conversation took an unexpected turn.

“Ummm… Yes, you DO have curves, Mom.” And he proceeded to stand up, noticeably slump his shoulders and demonstrate a posture that looks similar to this:

Oh, snap.

He’s right. I do have curves, in my slumped shoulders and my thrusting hips. My “mommy posture” is as curvy as it comes. I laughed at his comment, but I also let out a big sigh.

It was in that moment that I realized two things:

#1: My kids are watching me. It may seem like they are fully consumed with the Girl Scout cookies they are munching on or the latest addictive game on their iPad. But out of the corners of their eyes, they are observing me. They are paying close attention to how I carry myself and how I care for myself.

#2: I’m not caring for myself as well as I could. My hands show the signs of too much dish washing and not enough moisturizing. The deepening lines on my forehead give proof of the continual frowning and grimacing going on in my house. I spend my days talking to clients and other moms about the importance of self-care and yet it’s clear that I could be doing a better job of taking care of myself.

As parents, we regularly teeter on the edge of martyrdom. We have to make sacrifices in order to care for our kids – it’s part of the unwritten contract that we willingly sign when we bring a baby into this world. We give up sleep, we give up spontaneity, we give up our weekends and our nice furniture. But as Cheryl so powerfully wrote in “My Children Come First”, we shouldn’t give up caring for ourselves. As important as it is to be available to our children and tuned in to their needs, it is also important to model healthy habits and emotional wellness.

So… now that my 6-year-old has unwittingly become my latest Life Coach, I’m making a commitment to do three things:

1. Straighten up my attitude: I know for a fact that my posture reflects how I am feeling, and on too many days, I feel like this:

But the truth is, I rock as a parent. And so do you. Instead of walking around feeling (and looking) like I am carrying the entire world on my shoulders, I am committed to holding my head up high and reminding myself that I got this thing! Here’s the attitude I want to meet each day with:

Hiya! Whatcha got for me day? Cuz I’m gonna tear you up!

2) Straighten up my schedule, and block off time for self-care. As a parent, it is so easy to let the errands, chores and children take precedence over carving out time for yourself. When I was a new mom, I would occasionally ask my husband for some extra time to take a bath in peace, go to a yoga class, or meet up with a girlfriend. Self-care needed to be squeezed in where I could fit it. Now that my kids are in school, I have more leeway. Taking out time to go to the gym each day or use that unused massage gift-certificate should be a no brainer. In order to care for my kids, I have to take care of myself. A permanent spot on my daily schedule should be devoted to that.

3) Straighten up my posture: To be fair, my posture has never been great. Years of holding babies and worries have only made it worse. I’m committed to working on it now. And I’m going to start with these exercises from the amazing Allison Lambert. Stay tuned for a future Wednesday Wisdom featuring her and her empowering at-home work-outs:

My challenge to myself, and all of you, is to make self-care a priority this year. It might look like giving yourself thirty minutes each day to dive into a great novel. Or sixty minutes to go take a Mommy and Me yoga class. Regardless of how you care for yourself, you will be making yourself a priority, and that is an important thing for your kids to see. Of course, there will be those days when your shoulders are slumped from exhaustion and you can’t wait to crawl into bed. But the other days of the week, you can focus on holding your head up high and walking around like this:

I want my kids to know I got this thing.

I’ll let you know if my 6-year-old, aka Coach Elliott, gives me his stamp of posture approval.

Here’s to Strength and Boxing Gloves,

Kirsten

Gluten-Free Mexican Chocolate Cupcakes :: Friday Foodie

January 30, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

I have frosting issues. It’s always either too thin or too thick. I also enjoy waiting until a few minutes before party go time to start the actual frosting, which usually creates a crisis. In this case, it was too thick to spread, so I heated it, which made it a different color from the ones I had already done. My solution was allowing my little birthday girl to cover them with pink sprinkles. Pretty! Plus, it’s a cupcake! I appreciate the power cupcakes that look like famous people, but find that simple is often more tasty. This recipe is a variation of one I found on a great website: The Gluten Free Spouse, which is loaded with delicious ideas and great step by step photos. The consistency I get is a cross between a cupcake and fudge. I think that’s a lovely combination. I’ve cut back on the sugar and added some extra spice to give your mouth something new to contemplate, but omit the cinnamon and cayenne to get a basic, yummy treat.

Ingredients:

For the Cupcakes:

1/2 cup gluten-free oat flour
1/2 cup brown rice flour
1/3 cup arrowroot flour (or cornstarch)
1 teaspoon xanthan gum
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
3/4 cup cocoa
1 & 1/4 cups sugar
2 eggs
3 tablespoons unsalted sweet cream butter (at room temperature)
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 cup buttermilk

For the Frosting:

4 ounces cream cheese
1 tablespoon butter (at room temperature)
2 ounces unsweetened chocolate
1 cup sifted powdered sugar

Technique:
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Line muffin tins with paper cupcake liners (you’ll need about 20, but don’t stress if your batter makes more or fewer). With an electric mixer, beat the butter and sugar on medium-medium high speed until well blended. Add the eggs and vanilla, and beat on medium until well blended. In a medium sized mixing bowl, use a whisk to combine all the remaining dry ingredients. 1. Add 1/3 of the buttermilk to the mixer, and beat until it’s incorporated and smooth, then add 1/3 of the dry ingredients, beat until incorporated and smooth. 2. Use a rubber spatula to scrape down the sides of your mixer bowl. Repeat steps 1 & 2 twice more, ending on the last of the dry ingredients.

When it’s all mixed up and looks smooth and delicious, scoop batter into the cupcake liners, filling them 2/3rds full. Bake them until a toothpick inserted into the middle of a cupcake comes out mostly clean (a few crumbs will stick, and it’s okay if they’re slightly undercooked – they’ll be like gooey brownies), about 20 minutes. Allow the cupcakes to cool on wire racks until they’re room temperature.

Meanwhile, make the frosting! Melt the chocolate over low heat in a small saucepan and allow it to cool. Combine the cream cheese and butter, beating them with your mixer until they’re smoothly blended. Add the chocolate, and beat until it’s incorporated and smooth. Gradually add the powdered sugar, about 1/4th cup at a time until it’s incorporated and smooth. Spread the frosting on your cupcake and then attack with pink sprinkles. Yum!

Cheryl’s Tips:
Mistakes are f’ing beautiful, and in many cases, delicious. If you botch a recipe, it means you put your own spin on the directions and got a different outcome. Which means you can’t be tamed. Which means you’re so pretty.

Here’s To Sanity and Cayenne Pepper,

Cheryl

Alone with Baby – 3 Ways to Reduce Flying Solo Fear :: Tuesday Tip

January 27, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

My friend Val said the weirdest thing to my colicky infant daughter: “Sweet baby… I’m not afraid of you!” Once I was sure I’d heard her correctly, I realized that I was, in fact, afraid of my child. Not in a “Rosemary’s Baby” sort of way. I was afraid of my perceived lack of ability to adequately care for her. Her crying jags were starting around 2 am and lasting for a couple of hours, and the fall of night signaled another confrontation with my novice mommy status and cluelessness about how to soothe her. It was getting close to the end of visiting family, scheduled friend drop-bys, and J’s time off from his night shift. My anxiety about my first night alone with her was intensifying. We all got through it, but in retrospect, it didn’t have to be as grueling on me emotionally. Here’s what I would do differently:

1. I wouldn’t be a hero. You don’t have to do this on your own to prove your parenting ability to anyone. Delay being alone with your new baby as long as possible, and minimize how often you’re alone during the first 4 months. Other cultures have entire tribes sharing the parenting responsibility, but somewhere we got the idea that doing it alone is necessary. So much learning is taking place, and the curve is very steep. Even if everything is going well and your baby has very few adjustment issues, the weight of this new responsibility is intense. Just having someone in the house (your partner, a friend or family member, a night nanny), even if you don’t wind up needing any tangible help from them, can keep you calm and grounded.

2. I would talk through my fears with someone I trust, fast. Things rattling around in your head have a tendency to get bigger when they’re not shared. I didn’t realize how much fear I was sitting in until Val’s comment alerted me to it, which got the ball rolling. I acknowledged what was going on for me emotionally, opened up about it, and ultimately got the extra support I needed.

3. I would tell guilt to go to hell. I experienced so much pointless self-doubt and incrimination. I was convinced my daughter’s distress was my fault: not enough milk, not enough nurturing, and on really wacky nights, some sort of karmic backlash. Crap! All of it! She had colic! During the first few months, I recommend daily giving yourself a pass. Do everything you can to keep your baby and yourself safe and healthy, get help when you need it, and consider letting the rest go.

Here’s To Sanity and Tribes,

Cheryl

Four Births :: Monday Musing

January 19, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

This week’s Muse features a guest writer and friend, Phyllis Brasenell. Phyllis is a DONA certified birth doula (check out her amazing Wednesday Wisdom piece on being a doula) and the owner of AustinBorn, a center for expecting and new parents. She currently serves as President of the Central Texas Doula Association. Baby Proofed Parents and Austin Born just formed a beautiful new partnership, and we’re so proud to promote their awesome services in the Austin birth community. Stay tuned for some amazing Baby Proofed/Austin Born workshops and collaborations coming up in the very near future, and thank you, Phyllis, for sharing your insightful writing with us!

Four Births

I still remember the very first birth I supported as a doula. It was my client’s fifth baby; we had a wonderful midwife attending, no interventions involved and we all made it home in time for dinner on that Friday afternoon. Pretty unheard of in the unpredictable world of birth, so I counted myself very lucky.

In the past couple years since that day, I’ve supported many dozens of births and very few of them as straightforward as that first. In my work, I’ve been invited into a woman’s life at one of her most intimate and vulnerable moments because the truth is that becoming a mother is a transformative evolution whether it’s a first baby or a fifth.

It’s a rebirth. Everything is new again. Who are you as mother? How will this role be different than all the others in your life? Seeing a baby take its first breath still leaves me in awe but watching a mother be born is just as powerful. Even if it’s not your first baby you now have a completely new family. At every birth I support, I’m constantly reminded that I’m witnessing four births: the birth of a baby, the birth of a mother, the birth of a father, and the birth of a family.

These births are going to change you and that can feel overwhelming and even scary but I encourage expecting parents to dive in. Look within and listen: What matters to you? What excites you about this new baby and what’s keeping you up at night? There are no wrong answers, friend.

Here’s to Growth and Happiness,

Phyllis Brasenell