Blog - Part 6

On Raising Boys :: Wednesday Wisdom

November 26, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet Dr. Max Wachtel. He is a trained forensic psychologist with a clinical practice in the Denver, Colorado area. One of his main focuses is helping parents improve their kids’ lives. He is also the 9News Psychologist for KUSA TV in Denver, where he regularly produces content highlighting new psychological research and parenting resources. He is a marathon runner and was an avid snowboarder (until he broke his collarbone last year–this year he is feeling less enthusiastic about that endeavor). He is also the recent author of The One Rule For Boys: How Empathy and Emotional Understanding Will Improve Just About Everything For Your Son. We wanted to chat with him about his new book, which is getting loads of attention and praise, and learn more about the work he is doing to partner with parents of boys.

BPP: You have practiced for many years as a forensic psychologist. What initially drew you to work with criminal offenders and the court system?

MW: For years prior to grad school, I was fascinated by crime and by the law. I also had a strong interest in figuring out what makes people tick. In school, I focused on assessment and testing, and it seemed natural to combine that with my interest in forensics. I find it intriguing to evaluate people who have done some extremely bad things and try to figure out their mental state. I have worked with murderers, sex offenders, and domestic abusers–one of the most amazing things I learned is just how ‘normal’ many of these criminals are (not counting the psychopaths). For most of them, a more stable childhood and/or good mental health treatment would have likely kept them from ending up in jail.

BPP: Later in your career, you switched gears and added parenting to your areas of expertise. How did your work with the prison population prepare you for consulting on parenting issues?

MW: Another surprising revelation from my work was the similarity in the stories I heard from offenders’ childhoods. Abuse, emotional neglect, a lot of strife in the home–these are extremely common for people who end up in jail. I don’t want to say it is their parents’ fault, because I work with adult offenders who make their own good or bad choices. But, many of these offenders started life off on the wrong foot, which probably made it harder for them to succeed. Because of those common stories, it occurred to me that I am in a unique position to help parents. I have heard the absolute worst in parenting stories (things that I sometimes still picture when I close my eyes at night) — and I also know most parents do a pretty good job with their kids. But, everyone can be better, and when I have the opportunity to help struggling parents turn their family around, I feel like I am making a difference.

Dr. W and his kids gearing up for the snow.

BPP: In what ways did becoming a father impact your work in the jail system and in your counseling practice?

MW: I have discovered that being a dad and spending a lot of time in jail (as an evaluator, not an offender) are often incompatible. First, every time I go to a jail to meet with an inmate, I see an adult there with a young child who is going to visit his or her incarcerated parent. It breaks my heart to think that these kids are becoming so familiar with jail at such a young age. Secondly, it has been a lot harder for me to shake off the horrible things some offenders have done to their children. At the same time, becoming a dad was a major motivator for me to do more than evaluate and assess for psychopathology. In addition to that work, which I still enjoy, having kids of my own made me want to help improve the lives of parents and children in order to avoid major problems in the future.

BPP: You are a well-known TV personality in Denver and make regular appearances on 9News as a parenting expert. What are some of the parenting topics that you are asked to speak about?

MW: Yes, in addition to my clinical practice, I am the 9News Psychologist. I am on television several times per week discussing a wide range of issues. 9News is owned by a company with news outlets nationally, so I am often asked to comment on national crime stories that have a psychological angle to them — school shootings, domestic abuse, unusual behavior, and child abuse are the most common. I talk about issues ranging from what causes people to do the things they do, to the effects of crime on the victim, to handling crime-induced PTSD. In Denver, a big ongoing story is the Aurora theater shooting. Several of my students from when I taught at the University of Denver were in the theater that night, and one of them was killed. That is always a tough topic for me to discuss.

On a more positive note, I am able to contribute original content for 9News as well, so I tend to focus on parenting issues whenever I get the chance. I talk about the importance of empathy, dealing with bullies, online issues, discipline, and other parenting tips.

BPP: Do you consult with parent and families one-one-one? If so, what issues do you typically help families with?

MW: I do work with families one-on-one on occasion. Typically, this is when a family is having difficulty with one of their kids, and I am called in to help assess the situation and develop a treatment plan. Most of my parenting work comes through the media and my new book, though.

BPP: You recently released your new book, The One Rule For Boys. Congrats! Can you share what inspired you to write this book aimed at the parents of boys?

MW: Let me start with the negative inspiration first: About a year after the Aurora theater shooting, where one of my former students was killed and I witnessed the trauma inflicted upon his family and friends, Newtown happened. I heard the news that morning, and I almost immediately threw up. It hit me so hard–I cried pretty much all day. I alternated between being semi-catatonic and doing interviews for news agencies all over the globe. My last interview wrapped up at 11:30 PM, and it was for a morning Sky News broadcast in London. When I was done with the interview, I collapsed emotionally, but I also decided I needed to write a book that could have the potential to eliminate the horror of school shootings.

Now for the positive inspiration: After a few weeks of mulling it over, I realized that, as horrendous as school shootings are, the vast majority of parents do not raise little psychopaths. They are good people raising good kids. But, the fact still remains that we can do better as a society in raising boys who are assertive as opposed to aggressive. Boys who treat others with respect. Boys who stand up for what is right. Most parents are already doing a decent job, and I wanted to write a book that improves upon that. After reading hundreds of studies and giving it a lot of reflective thought, it turns out that teaching parents to encourage empathy and emotional understanding in their boys is the key. It may be surprising to learn, but those skills improve just about every area of a boy’s life.

BPP: Both Cheryl and I have little guys, and will be definitely be picking up a copy. Can you give us a preview of a few of your main points?

MW: A few of the big points from the book:

Model the behavior you want your kids to display. Whether it seems like it or not, they are watching you, and they are copying you. They will pick up your good behaviors, but they will also very quickly pick up bad habits too.
There is a major difference between empathy, sympathy, and compassion. It is important to understand these differences in order to know how to teach your boys to be empathic. It can be good to be compassionate, and it can be good to be sympathetic–but empathy is what will give you the most bang for your buck. It will help your boys do better in school, have more friends, be in healthier romantic relationships, get into college, be happier in life, be more assertive, be better leaders, and get better jobs.
Don’t panic. You are not the perfect parent. You don’t need to be the perfect parent. You are probably already doing a good job with your boys. But, you can probably tweak a few things in order to go from good to great!

BPP: Do you feel like there are challenges that are unique to raising a son? If so, what are they?

MW: In many ways, boys and girls are very similar. I cover this research in my book — boys and girls are born with the same levels of empathy, aggression, anger, impulsivity, and lovingness. If there is anything unique about boys, it is in the way our society socializes them compared to girls. And, many of what are considered to be traditionally masculine traits are causing problems for boys. For example, it is becoming less socially acceptable to be overly aggressive, hostile, and domineering. It is less socially acceptable to bully or to sexually harass someone, and men are not being rewarded in the same way for this outmoded type of behavior. As a result, girls are now doing better in school than boys. Women are graduating from college at higher rates. They are starting to gain more leadership positions in both the public and private sector. They are starting to take over the world — and that is not a bad thing! Except, if we continue to raise generation after generation of boys who cannot keep up with the amazing women of the world, that is going to be a problem. I want to help fix that.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saver to expectant or new parents, what would it be?

MW:

Don’t try to be the perfect parent. It will drive you crazy. Just try to be good enough, and hang on for the ride.
Don’t isolate yourself from the world. It can be hard when you are exhausted and busy, but the more you get out with your little ones, the happier you will be.
Buy a lot of cloth diapers. Even if you are using disposables with your kids, cloth diapers work extremely well as burp cloths, barf rags, spill wiper uppers, and so on. They are really cheap, easy to wash, and you can cram a bunch of them in a diaper bag very easily. My kids are six and eight, and to be honest, I kind of miss having the cloth diapers around. They are really handy.

Thank you Dr. Wachtel for taking the time to talk to us about the impactful work you are doing with parents!

If you are interested in purchasing his book, The One Rule For Boys, you can order a copy directly from his site and he will personally sign it, just for you. As Dr. Wachtel says, “They make great holiday gifts. After all, nothing says, ‘I think you are doing it wrong’ like receiving a parenting book from a friend or loved one.” Ha, ha – we agree Dr. W! C & K ♥

Follow Dr. Wachtel – he’s a lot of fun!

On Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/drmaxwachtel

On Twitter at: http://www.twitter.com/mwachtel

Read all about his great book at his Amazon page: http://www.amazon.com/author/drmaxwachtel

Pregnancy and Parenthood – More Alike Than Different :: Monday Musing

November 24, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Experiences in the baby and parenting world are often broken down into prenatal and postpartum. Before baby and after baby. With all of the emphasis on these two states of being, you would think that a new chronological era begins after the birth of your little one. This can feel daunting. The truth is that there are numerous parallels between pregnancy and parenting. I’m going to argue that the prenatal challenges you endure actually prepare your body and mind to raise a little person. Here’s how:

Ten Trillion Decisions: The second that you and your partner see the positive pregnancy test, the joint decisions begin. Hospital or home-birth? Doctor, midwife and/or doula? What baby items do you register for? And on and on… When baby arrives, the choices don’t end, but you’ve had nine months of practicing effective decision-making with your partner. Bring on the the options, you are ready to make whatever decision comes your way.

Reminder: Take one decision at a time. Don’t feel like you have to figure out everything at once. Decisions about sleep-training, discipline styles and day-care can wait! Gather the information, weigh out your options with your partner and make a choice that feels right to both of you. Most of the time, you can change your mind and adjust as you go.

Physical Strains and Discomfort: Everyone knows about the physical effects of pregnancy: morning sickness, heart burn, sleep disturbances. Even dads-to-be often report vicarious symptoms. When you become a new parent and recover from the birth, most of the physical ailments disappear completely. Well… the nipples of breastfeeding moms take a little bit of a beating. And of course sleeping conditions do not improve for awhile. A long while. Fortunately your body is not completely caught off guard by these conditions. You’ve endured a lot. You can cope with these challenges as well, we promise you.

Reminder: Self-care is essential for expectant and new parents. You are going through a lot, but if you take the time to rest when you can and reach out for help when needed, your body will not disappoint you and will rise to the occasion. Just wait, watch and be amazed…

Emotional Highs and Lows: Pregnancy brings with it a tsunami of hormones and emotions. Most women find that they cry more than ever and experience a wild swing in how they’re feeling from moment to moment. Expectant dads are not immune to the roller coaster either. Parenthood brings more feelings with it. Add sleep-deprivation and the vulnerability that comes a long with a new baby into the mix, and the emotions run rampant. You might find yourself feeling both ecstatic and exasperated, all at once.

Reminder: If you’ve been a person who has always tucked your feelings in tight, the roller coaster of emotions might feel overwhelming. See this as an opportunity to let down your walls and release your inner drama queen. Emotions are healthy and normal and you are about to experience a lot of them. Releasing and expressing your feelings will help you to be a better parent. Of course, as we’ve said many times before, if your emotions seem insurmountable it might be time to reach out to your doctor or a trained counselor and get some help. Please don’t hesitate if this is the case.

Breathe and Let Go: If you pop in on a childbirth class, you’ll hear a lot about deep-breathing, staying focused, thinking positively and relaxing. If you can remember to use these skills and techniques, they’ll help you through your labor and delivery. What the childbirth instructor often forgets to mention is that these same skills will be handy for the next 18 years! Parenting can be a wild ride – remembering to inhale, smile and relax will help you to weather the many challenges that come your way.

Reminder: Even if you learn and practice these relaxation skills, you might forget to use them when you need them the most. This is when your parenting partnership will come in handy. When you see your partner feeling overwhelmed, give them a hug, remind them to breathe, share a few encouraging words and offer to take over for a while. You two have practiced some serious skills – you can do this.

Pregnancy and parenthood are two parts of one amazing journey. If you and your partner have tackled a pregnancy together, you will already have many of the skills you need to raise a child. Pull from the strength and knowledge you have already gained and get ready to rock as a parent. We know you will be amazing.

Here’s to Strength and Similarities,

Kirsten

3 Ways to Get Calm and Fight Fair :: Tuesday Tip

November 18, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Fiery conflict with your partner can easily reduce you to your worst self. This makes no sense and complete sense. You love this person, so why do you hate/fear/distrust them sometimes? Because you love this person. You’ve likely risked everything, and they’ve seen you naked, in every sense of the word. If you’re expecting, the risks can feel exponentially more intense. You are at your most vulnerable, and unfortunately at times, at your most savagely self-protective. This is the best time to use your fire escape plan, creating physical distance between you and your partner, so you both can calm down and hopefully reengage from a rational place to resolve your issues.

But once you have the space, how exactly do you calm down? Here are three ways to get your perspective back in a hurry:

1. Create a list of at least three memories about your partner that make you feel safe and connected. It’s best to do this when you’re NOT in conflict, so you can pull it up mentally during rocky moments. Maybe it was a special date, or the way she was there for you when things were rough at work, or the way he locked eyes with you during your first ultrasound. Update and add new positive moments to your list as they occur.

2. Separate the past from the present. Is something about this fight familiar? Did the issue remind you of a past relationship in which you were hurt, or something from your childhood? Maybe you felt your partner was ignoring your needs, and it reminded you of feeling neglected when you were little. Pull back to the present, and consider the possibility that your partner was NOT ignoring you, but was distracted and flooded with his own defensiveness and emotions. Avoid holding your partner accountable for things she hasn’t actually done.

3. Remind yourself of your own strength and resourcefulness. Doing so can keep you grounded during conflict, instead of being completely swept away by emotion and incapable of logical discussion (to solve anything, you have to have both feelings and practicality in tact). It helps to have a mental image or memory that encapsulates your strength. My go-to strength memory is the birth of my second child. I knew mentally and physically what to expect, and felt present from the first contraction to the final push. When I feel scared or out of control, I pull that memory up and think, “I did that, so I can do this.”

My favorite Ben Harper lyric: “When you have everything, you have everything to lose.” Worth a fiery fight sometimes, and worth the necessary work to convey passion and respect.

Here’s to Sanity and Savagery,

Cheryl

My Children Come First :: Monday Musing

November 10, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

My memory holds a snapshot, rock-bottom moment from my daughter’s bout with colic. I was emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. I’d isolated myself, even pushing her father, J away. I felt I was the only one who could comfort her, even though I often couldn’t, because, well, she had colic. I stood there holding her, swaying as she howled, no breast-milk left, no known options left. Finally, I too began sobbing, thinking, “I’ve got nothing.” And it was true. I had reached an end. Facing this reality was in direct opposition to what I thought was THE reality, that as a mother I would possess an endless, cosmic supply of love and nurturing, and everything would be always be okay.

Most women are socialized to nurture, learning at a very early age to smile, be sweet, be “good girls,” and put the needs of others first even when said others are being a-holes. This naturally carries over into mothering, as we pressure ourselves to be boundless sources of comfort, milk and serenity. Many fathers and parenting partners also feel intense pressure to protect their growing families, and put aside personal needs to keep pace with the rapidly changing needs of both mother and baby. This pressure can overwhelm partners to the point of withdrawal and emotional shut-down.

Imagine a grocery store line. A well-groomed parent pushes a cart containing a sweet newborn asleep in her car seat, surrounded by organic food. If this parent says out loud, “My children come first,” most people will nod their heads in approval. Now imagine the same parent with spit-up all over her, holding a screaming newborn in one arm while pushing a cart containing an empty car seat and a maxi-pad-throwing toddler. This parent will likely feel too overwhelmed to say anything out loud, and will receive silent judgment from at least a few around her. That’s the rub. We feel pressure to have it all together, but to have even an illusion of control, we have to take care of ourselves.

Self-care. To many, this concept feels foreign and selfish, but let me be a voice, among the others I hope are around you, to argue vehemently for it. Give yourself permission to put your physical and emotional needs at least on the same page as your baby’s needs. You can and will run out of resources if you don’t also parent and take care of yourself. In the early days with a newborn, sometimes self-care is brushing your teeth, once, while the baby cries and cries. Sometimes it’s stepping outside your front door for one minute and taking in a big gulp of fresh air, once, while the baby cries and cries. Take any resulting feelings of guilt or selfishness as positive signs of the soreness accompanying your internal growth. Trust that the end result will be a more grounded version of you, capable of nurturing your baby and partner from a surplus of actual strength, instead of a pseudo-supply based on the obscene pressure we place on ourselves and receive from society.

My self-care story might repulse you, make you smile knowingly, or both. The night after I’d reached my limit, we decided to reclaim a moment of “normalcy.” Our daughter, inexplicably, occasionally relaxed when lying on her changing table in our bathroom. I sat on the lid of the toilet, with J facing me on a chair, knees squished together, plates of food on our laps. Baby girl was next to us, in her zen space, calmly staring at the ceiling and listening to us laugh at how disgustingly beautiful the moment was. Our first family dinner, and the beginning of my fight to factor myself in again.

BPP Sanity Savers:

Remember that self-care is the pre-requisite to your sustained ability to care for anyone else.
Notice and push through any guilty feelings that keep you from factoring in your personal needs. Talk to a therapist or other supportive parents if you feel stuck.
Talk with your parenting partner about ways you can generously support each other with your self-care efforts.

Here’s to Sanity and Self-Care,

Cheryl

Roasted Cauliflower :: Friday Foodie

November 7, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

My early relationship with cauliflower was bleh. I’d only eaten it raw, on a veggie tray with a big bowl of ranch dip. The last lonely choice, after the carrots and celery were long gone, texture grainy, flavor odd. The awkward, pale white girl alone in the corner of the dance hall. Oops, we’re talking food, not my prom. Fast forward years later to a night at my favorite Austin sushi joint, Uchi. The wait is often insane, and always very well worth every second. To appease hungry guests, Uchi serves little tastes from the kitchen. A tray of simple golden-roasted, salty, olive-oily cauliflower came by, and I reluctantly popped a piece into my mouth. Oh, wow. Cauliflower?! Sexy! Who knew? When roasted, the texture is silky, the flavor buttery and nutty. I immediately worked to replicate the dish in my own kitchen, and think you’ll like the results. I’ve served it to my kids, had them close their eyes and imagine popcorn, and they both ate one bite without gagging or spitting it out. Victory!

Ingredients:

1 bunch cauliflower
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 teaspoon kosher salt

Technique:

Preheat your oven to 450 degrees. Using a small knife, remove the outer green leaves of the cauliflower bunch, and cut the white florets off of the stem. Wash the florets, and drain/pat them dry with a clean dish towel. Line a large rimmed baking sheet with aluminum foil, and spread the florets in a single layer over it. Drizzle the florets with the olive oil, and roast them in the oven for 25 minutes. The cauliflower will be covered with golden brown spots when it’s perfect. Remove from the oven, and sprinkle the salt over the florets, scooping them around on the pan with a spatula to evenly coat them with the salt and olive oil. Dig in!

Cheryl’s Tips:

I recommend doubling this recipe. The leftovers reheat beautifully, and can be used again in a delightful pasta recipe. Yeah. That’s a teaser. The delightful pasta recipe will be coming to you soon, on this very blog. You just take a nice, deep breath… and wait for it.

Here’s to Sanity and Sushi,

Cheryl

35 Sweet Parenting Side-Effects :: Tuesday Tip

November 4, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

If you’ve spent time on our website, you know that we frequently address the stressful aspects of parenthood. Why? Because parenting can be rough. Cheryl and I really want to be two supportive voices in your life that say, You’re normal to be struggling, we’ve got your back and we have ideas and resources to make things easier. As Brian the Birth Guy says, we see it as our mission to help you navigate “the dark corners” of pregnancy, childbirth and parenting and ultimately find your way to the light switch.

Despite the running theme of emotional distress, things aren’t always dark after introducing a child into your life… in fact a large portion of the time, they can be really bright. So Cheryl and I compiled a list of some of the sweeter side effects you’ll experience after transitioning into parenthood. We moms and dads can use all the fun reminders we can get on why we signed up for this challenging and glorious thing called parenting.

Here ya go – 35 unexpected and pretty cool side-effects:

Really strong biceps. The heavier the baby (or car seat) the stronger and sexier the arms.
You can count on rock solid calves as well. If you have a two-story house, you’ll be climbing up and down those stairs approximately 265 times a day.
For the next 18 years, you have a permanent and totally worthy excuse for a messy house. Use it.
You see a new side of your partner when he or she is doing laps around the kitchen with your fussy baby or sporting a new spit up stain… and you like it.
Holidays are magical again.
When you send out your holiday cards, you have something other than your pets to feature front and center.
You and your pillow develop a love affair. It feels so soft and luxurious, especially when you forcefully drop your head on it and pass out.
Don’t get too attached… sleeping your life away is offically a non-option.
You actually become really good at snoozing sitting up, which comes in handy on planes.
Speaking of planes, three cheers for early boarding with young children. (Milk this one as long as you can people. An 8 yr. old and 10 yr. old are still young, right??)
Unlimited hugs, any time you want them (and sometimes when you don’t).
You become a stealth ninja at hiding pureed or shredded veggies in anything edible.
Someone (a very small someone) finally thinks you are a good singer. Screw you, Simon Cowell!
You become infinitely more efficient with your time. Ninety minutes to mop the floors, do the laundry, shower and respond to e-mails… Go!
Fireworks and Christmas lights become so much more sparkly.
Halloween candy, anyone?
Your penmanship and letter-writing skills improve dramatically with all of the hand-written notes from Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny. Oh, and that pesky Elf.
You get to ride on merry-go-rounds again! And again… and again…
Coffee tastes more incredible than ever. Amazing. A true elixir of the gods.
Sesame Street is back on the DVR. You know you always had a thing for Bert.
You get to talk in 3rd person, Gollum-style (Mommy loves you, my precious) and are tempted to talk the same way when you’re out with your girlfriends. (Kirsten is so excited to be out of the house! Yes, Kirsten would love a vodka grapefruit martini. Mmmm, Kirsten likes. Kirsten wants more, my precious.)
Speaking of getting out of the house, when you do get out, you feel like you’re channeling Captain Kirk and “boldly going where no man has gone before”. Everything, even the steering wheel of your car, feels fresh and new and different.
One of the places you get out to is your new favorite happy hour spot, Target.
After hours and hours and hours of bedtime story reading, you become quite the orator and public speaker.
You learn the correct technical names of all dinosaurs, tractors and exotic animals… because your child’s picture books are relentless and annoyingly accurate.
You become a master-stain remover. Spit up, squash and snot have nothing on you.
Dance parties in the kitchen… anytime you want one.
Small victories make your day: he slept through the night, she peed in the potty, you didn’t crumple up into a whimpering heap. Go you!
You can always count on finding a snack, a baby wipe and a toy in your purse. All very handy when out on a GNO.
On the subject of GNO’s, a whole new world of potential friends (who are also dying to get out) opens up. Playgroup parents, preschool parents, PTA parents, you get the picture…
You finally have someone to teach you how to use your iPad. (C’mon. You know your three-year-old navigates it better than you do.)
White noise makers and baby monitors become a new permanent fixture in your home. Once you get used to them, you kinda like living in a wind tunnel that you can hear at all times.
You now have a stroller to sneak snacks and beverages into music festivals.
Tons of smiles and laughs. Way more than you ever got when you sat in a cubicle.
It may grow gradually or it might burst onto your scene, but you experience a love greater than anything you’ve ever felt before… and it feels really, really good.

So there you have it… and we know there are more. Feel free to share them in the comment section! We’d love to hear the sweet side-effects you’re experiencing on your parenting adventure.

Here’s to Strength and Gollum,

Kirsten

The Rockstar Mama :: Wednesday Wisdom

October 28, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet Jennifer Zavaleta. She is an incredibly talented songstress and musician who began singing at age 3 in a small-town Georgia church. After moving to Austin, Texas in 2000, Jennifer was instantly immersed in the thriving music scene. She’s been a member of numerous music groups over the past 15 years, ranging from tribal pop to jazz & blues, party bands and acoustic trios. She continues to draw a crowd at well-known Austin jazz clubs such as The Elephant Room and Brasshouse when she performs with Magnificent 7 and Monster Big Band. Jennifer lives with her husband and daughter in Wimberley, Texas but spends a good amount of time touring and making media appearances with her exciting new band, The Mrs.. We wanted to chat with Jennifer to find out how she balances the roles of parent and successful musician, and learn about the positive and unique message that The Mrs. is spreading throughout the country.

BPP: Tell us about your path to becoming a professional singer. Did your family expose you to any music lessons and singing or did you pick it up on your own?

JZ: I was exposed to music in the womb! My mom sang in church choir and I followed suit at age three singing solos on Sunday morning. I was also in youth choir, and my parents provided piano lessons for my sister and me. In my teenage years, I sang in a cover band with some friends playing covers of Dust in the Wind, Man in the Box, and Hotel California. Long live classic rock. We could throw down with some Metallica too. In college, I started singing in karaoke contests, and then around age 20 I was in my first original music group. We would play open mics and coffee shops, covering Pink Floyd tunes and playing originals. Soon after that I started singing with a well-known cover band in Austin Texas, Rotel and the Hot Tomatoes. This is where all my stage confidence was built as a performer. Singing, dancing, and acting like a crazy person while having a blast with my bandmates on stage really helped me to grow into a comfortable space as a performer. If you’ve never seen Rotel and the Hot Tomatoes, I suggest you seek them out…they put on a fun show. I started writing music in my early twenties when my now husband bought me a guitar as a gift, and I added this music to the poetry I’d been writing since my teen and college years. Aside from some childhood piano classes, I didn’t really take music lessons until about a year ago. I am mostly an “ear” musician, meaning I don’t really read music, and when I write, I do it because I think it sounds good, not because of any particular knowledge of music theory. It’s all an experiment.

BPP: How and when do you recommend exposing young children to music and instruments? Does music play a role in your relationship with your daughter?

Jennifer & Rowan

JZ: Yes, music absolutely plays a role. I believe that music is innate in all of us, so the sooner kids are exposed the better. Rowan was exposed to music like I was- in utero, hearing me play guitar and feeling the vibrations of me singing and humming. We bought her a ton of baby music CDs that we would play in her room. Everything from world music nursery rhymes to a Beatle’s piano cover album. I sang her to sleep and still do sometimes. She’s been singing since she was tiny. We bought her a keyboard and little pink guitar. We signed her up for violin at age 6 at her request, then let her stop when she told us she wanted to. I don’t want to push anything on her, but I want her to experiment. She has since shown interest in drums, guitar and piano. I have a feeling she will always sing like I do, and if she picks up another instrument along the way, then great. We will support her in that for sure! Music plays a huge role in our relationship. She’s got a great little voice, and a good ear for melody. I love hearing her sing.

BPP: What was the transition like to parenthood when your daughter was born? Did you have to take a break from performing?

JZ: I was pregnant when I left Rotel and the Hot Tomatoes, and the costumes had just started to get tight. The band had been very busy traveling and playing almost every weekend, so switching gears to a desk job was interesting. For two years, I did very little in the music world besides singing and writing music at home. It was a major change. I slowed down for a while, and went through the emotional roller coaster of becoming a new parent. When my daughter was two, I auditioned for another band and got back in the Austin circuit playing weddings and corporate parties with various cover bands for the next six years. I also started singing with a couple of jazz groups during this time. Occasionally I would play out in coffee shops with my indie-folk music, or in a blues group on 6th Street with my husband. I also sang at church quite regularly.

BPP: Being an integral part of several music acts, you often have to report to work in the evenings and on weekends. How do you balance being a mother, a wife and a professional musician?

JZ: It is crazy. Sometimes I get home at 3 or 4am, or have to be gone for a few days at a time. I feel guilty at times but counter that with the fact that I am in my daughter’s daily life to the point of annoying her on most days. It’s a juggling act just like any other job. I have a supportive husband that helps take over where needed. Our schedules are not completely traditional, but that’s ok for us. We make it work. Sometimes it’s stressful but so was sitting in front of a computer all day when I used to do that.

BPP: What do love about being a singer? Are there any aspects that you are not so fond of?

JZ: I love that it just comes out of YOU. You don’t need another instrument. YOU are your instrument. It’s awesome actually. I love the spiritual aspect to it. The contemplative exercise that it is to sit down and write a song about your feelings, about what’s going on in your head. I can reluctantly go to a gig, not wanting to leave my house when my daughter is getting ready for bed or going to a local football game, not wanting to put on makeup or dress up…but first song into the gig, I feel better. I feel energized. I feel less stressed. It’s a great way to release. Living in Austin, the live music AND allergy capital of the world, my only complaint about singing is having to do it when you sound horrible due to allergies or illness. But again, struggling with allergies or illness in any profession is no bueno.

BPP: You recently joined a new five-women rock band as one of their singers and guitarists. The Mrs. is getting national attention and praise. Can you talk about how this band formed and the message it is trying to get out?

The Mrs.

JZ: This band started with a couple of girlfriends getting together about 5 years ago and deciding that they wanted to start a unique music project with a positive message. They have worked really hard to make it a success. I joined about a year ago after getting an email inviting me to audition. I was very interested in the band’s concept: an all female, majority mom, pop-rock band writing their own music about topics that reach deeper than partying at the club or boyfriend problems. The current message of the band is supported by our first single release, “Enough”, which you can buy on iTunes. The song is essentially communicating, I’m enough. Just the way I am. which is a great anthem for young girls and women everywhere who struggle with self-esteem issues and societal pressures. I could talk for hours about this band, so my suggestion would be to look us up online at www.themrs.com. At our site, you can learn about our “Magic Mirror” movement, which I think everyone on earth could benefit from. Check us out for sure!

BPP: What has it been like traveling on the road with The Mrs.? What kind of response have you received?

JZ: Traveling with any band has always been, and is always a unique, rewarding, and adventurous experience. One of The Mrs.’s most notable performances to date was at BlogHer 2014 in San Jose California. We were very well received by thousands of female bloggers and opened up for Kerry Washington’s keynote speech, which was great. We also took our Magic Mirror (which you have to look up!) to the conference to let the women there experience it. Search on Twitter #imenough and check out some of the photos from that weekend and the shows we’ve done since. There are many good things happening with this band.

BPP: You have attended some amazing events in the last year and met some pretty amazing celebrities. Queen Latifa and Lionel Richie to name a few. What has that experience been like for you and does your family ever feel left out?

JZ: My daughter thinks I’m famous. Ha! I assure her that although I am in a band that happens to travel and attend cool and exciting events (sometimes in a limo), I am certainly not famous. It is really cool to take a look at yourself through your kid’s eyes sometimes. I’m sure that will change in her teen years, so I must appreciate it now! She’s always on my mind though, so when The Mrs. were at the Elton John Oscar party, and we met Elton, I held a note up during our photo op saying “Hi Rowan”. She loves Elton John’s music, so I thought it would be a cool momento for her to have later in life. My husband is very supportive and always tells me to have fun on band trips. He’s a musician too, so he understands all that goes into it, emotionally and physically.

BPP: What can we expect to hear from The Mrs. in the next year? A full album? A concert tour?

JZ: You will have to stay tuned for that! Always check for Mrs. news on themrs.com, and check for my own personal news and mini blog on jenniferzavaleta.com.

BPP: If you have one sanity-saving pointer for new parents, what would it be?

JZ: Don’t stress over every little thing. Let your kids be individuals and don’t compare them to other kids. It’s just not worth it. It’s ok to make mistakes as children and adults, and we all do. Be honest, be humble, try your best. Don’t let guilt overwhelm you. That was more than one sanity saver, but I could go on and on! Every day is a learning experience. I have learned more from my child than I ever knew before. Time flies, and I know that sounds cliché, but I didn’t realize the truth of that statement until I became a parent. Savor every second.

We appreciate Jennifer sharing her experience with BPP! Anyone who sees her perform or spends time talking to her can tell that she exudes the confidence and loving attitude that The Mrs. is sharing with their fans. Let’s face it, all new parents can benefit from the affirming message of “I’m Enough”. If you are in Austin, we highly encourage you to go see Jennifer perform when you have a chance. And keep your eyes peeled for The Mrs. showing up at an event or on a TV program near you. They are on the move and ready to take America by storm! C&K ♥

Why Am I Crying? :: Monday Musing

October 28, 2014 By: babyproofedparents6 Comments

A few days ago, I opened up one of those “iPhone auto-correct text mishaps” posts on the Internet, and within seconds, I was laughing so hard, I had tears running down my face. Real, wet-my-cheeks tears. This sensation of crying – without understanding what the heck I was crying about – immediately brought me back to my days of pregnancy and new motherhood. Looking back, I probably could have filled a salt-water aquarium with all of the prenatal and postpartum tears I shed.

Prior to having pregnancy hormones coursing through my body, I rarely cried in front of others. I actually took pride in the fact that I maintained a rather poker-faced exterior. My husband affectionately nicknamed me the Ice Princess (this was pre-Elsa, mind you) because the saddest, most sentimental movie couldn’t get me to tear up. The Notebook had nothing on me. I maintained this silly determination to stay dry-eyed.

All bets were off after I became pregnant. You only had to give me a sappy American Idol episode, a baby food commercial, or a mention of pregnancy from a passing stranger and I was immediately boo-hooing. When my baby arrived, the crying increased. I experienced tears of astonishment and joy as I stared at the amazing little creature in my arms. Tears over how damn hard a natural thing like breastfeeding seemed to be. Tears because I was sleep-deprived and, let’s face it, a little delirious. Happy and sad and exhausted tears. Not to mention the tears frequently coming from my newborn’s little eyes. We went from a quiet, stoic house to a home of sniffles and Kleenex.

So what was all this crying about? It turns out that the extremely small, almond-sized hypothalamus, which is at the core of our reptilian brain, can’t really tell the difference between being happy, sad, overwhelmed or stressed. It just knows when it is getting a strong, emotional signal and in turn, triggers our parasympathetic system, which then triggers our tear ducts. If you think about the times when you are crying, it is usually when you are having an overwhelmingly strong emotion. The tears almost act as an overflow valve, releasing some of your emotional tension and allowing your body to rest and reset. Add hormones and sleep-deprivation to already intense emotions, and the flood gates are open for business.

From a psychological and social perspective, the researcher, Dr. Oren Hasson argues that the act of crying demonstrates vulnerability. It helps people to trust and feel sympathy for you. Crying also communicates that you crave attachment. Hmmm…. I think he just perfectly described the needs of new parents and babies, don’t you?

For me, becoming a parent kicked my parasympathetic system into high gear… and it never turned off. Despite my pregnancy hormones being long gone and my kids growing older, I am still easily brought to tears, and I don’t try to hide them now. Vulnerability is currently my middle name. Our children get to cry openly and loudly. We should allow ourselves to let it go as well, whether we are laughing hysterically, feeling deeply touched or just plain sad. Crying is innately human and nothing to be ashamed of. When you are an expectant or new parent you might find yourself doing a lot of it. Just think of it as a pressure valve that is allowing you to release some steam and heaviness, calm your body and then move forward.

If you’re looking for a release right now, check out that humor post I was talking about, 35 of the Most Concerning Auto-Correct Fails of All Time. Be Warned: May contain 7th-grade-boy-level laughs, profanity, and just possibly, a few tears.

Here’s to Sanity and Kleenex,

Kirsten

Cinnamon Apples :: Friday Foodie

October 24, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Although I took it for granted at the time, I was very lucky to have a mom who cooked most of our meals from scratch, with veggies from our backyard garden. The one downside: since we very rarely ate them, things like fast food, frozen pizza and TV dinners became a delicacy for me. To this day, you could give me the choice between boeuf bourguignon and a Totino’s Zesty Italiano Pizza, and I’d have to take a pause. A long pause. Another favorite was “Hungry Man” frozen dinners, with multiple foil course-compartments, each containing the perfect nutritional balance of processed materials, preservatives and glue. Mmmm. One of those compartments was often filled by the yummiest, softest, cinnamon apples. Here’s the super easy how-to for an infinitely healthier and delicious version, just in time for the fall arrival of Honey Crisp apples. Double mmmm. I am strangely hungry for Salisbury Steak n’ Peas.

Ingredients:

4 Honey Crisp apples, cored, peeled and sliced (Granny Smith, Pink Lady and Fuji are also yummy)
2 tablespoons butter
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 tablespoon maple syrup

Technique:
Heat a large skillet over medium high. Melt the butter in the skillet, and when it’s bubbly add the apple slices and cinnamon. Sauté the apples until they begin to brown and soften, about 8-10 minutes. Add the syrup and sauté 2-3 minutes longer and remove from the heat. The apples should be tender-crisp, but not mushy at this point. Allow them to cool for a few minutes and then dig in!

Cheryl’s Tips:
Leftover apples are great cold, topped with a little granola and a drizzle of heavy cream. Let’s all give fall a big, fat hug.

Here’s To Sanity and Totino’s,

Cheryl

The Best and Worst Ways To Support Parents of Screamers :: Tuesday Tip

October 21, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

We all mean well. Parents in the Wild (aka Target) tune into each other, and can keenly sense distress. The desire to help each other out is natural and good, but sometimes our ways of going about it miss the mark. Here are three ways I often received “support” that felt anything but supportive:

“Enjoy this; it will pass before you know it,” (usually accompanied by a longing expression). I knew these parents were wise, and the advice was actually good. But at the time, the psychotic impulse I resisted was planting my hysterical baby right in their hands, screaming, “Here! Take her!” and then running the hell away. Seeing the forest for the trees is a very important skill for a new parent, but suggesting he or she do so in the midst of a melt-down is poorly timed.
“She’s probably hungry.” Rage. Rage. Condescending imagined response, “OMG! I totally forgot to FEED my baby! Thank you for reminding me! I’ll get on that right away!” Again, just a suggestion from an innocent bystander, but for many moms, feeding their babies feels like all they ever, ever do, and if breastfeeding is a struggle and/or milk-production is low, it can really sting to hear that someone thinks their child is hungry. Or, maybe they had the tiniest window in which to run an errand, and they pushed it a little too far because it felt so amazing to be out of the house, and they already feel like guilty crap about it without the extra feedback.
Anything, ever said to a parent while pretending to use the “baby’s voice.” Picture a mom standing in a check out line, holding a screaming infant. Person Behind Mom, “speaking” for the baby, “Mama, I’m tired! Take me home, Mama! Mama, try to enjoy me now because soon I’ll be 18 and wrecking your car! Mama, I’m hunnngggrryyyy!” Perhaps this is intended to add a bit of cheer to the situation, but it often comes through as passive aggressive, and makes moms want to scream, “This is my baby! Not your puppet, Scary Ventriloquist Mystery Shopper!”

You can safely assume that most parents are doing everything they possibly can to keep their babies happy while simultaneously managing the rest of their lives. Why not help in an Advice/Analysis/Assessment-Free way? Here are three ways to offer impactful support:

Tangible. If you notice a parent is in the weeds, and you can see small, specific, non-intrusive ways to lighten their load, offer them up. “Your hands are full. Can I help you by putting your groceries on the counter?” Even if they refuse, most parents appreciate the gesture.
Encouraging. Sometimes offering up a positive statement about how hard the parent is working to manage everything can mean the world, “Parents like you inspire me – thank you for holding it together and hang in there!” Or, “You know how all of these people are staring at you with disdain because your child’s screams are hurting their ears? Screw em’!!!”
Respectful. Sometimes parents are just barely hanging on, and are in a zone. They just want to complete their errand and get themselves and their little screamers out the door. Times like this, no feedback, positive or negative feels helpful. Take moments like this as opportunities to silently affirm. You can send out a positive vibe, or if you’re a praying person, offer one up, while giving her physical space.

Good intentions are powerfully kind, and when they translate to meaningful, receivable support, they can also be powerfully impactful.

Here’s to Sanity and Ventriloquism,

Cheryl