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My Children Come First :: Monday Musing

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My memory holds a snapshot, rock-bottom moment from my daughter’s bout with colic.  I was emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted.  I’d isolated myself, even pushing her father, J away.  I felt I was the only one who could comfort her, even though I often couldn’t, because, well, she had colic.  I stood there holding her, swaying as she howled, no breast-milk left, no known options left.  Finally, I too began sobbing, thinking, “I’ve got nothing.”  And it was true.  I had reached an end.  Facing this reality was in direct opposition to what I thought was THE reality, that as a mother I would possess an endless, cosmic supply of love and nurturing, and everything would be always be okay.

Most women are socialized to nurture, learning at a very early age to smile, be sweet, be “good girls,” and put the needs of others first even when said others are being a-holes.  This naturally carries over into mothering, as we pressure ourselves to be boundless sources of comfort, milk and serenity.  Many fathers and parenting partners also feel intense pressure to protect their growing families, and put aside personal needs to keep pace with the rapidly changing needs of both mother and baby.  This pressure can overwhelm partners to the point of withdrawal and emotional shut-down.

Imagine a grocery store line.  A well-groomed parent pushes a cart containing a sweet newborn asleep in her car seat, surrounded by organic food.  If this parent says out loud, “My children come first,” most people will nod their heads in approval.  Now imagine the same parent with spit-up all over her, holding a screaming newborn in one arm while pushing a cart containing an empty car seat and a maxi-pad-throwing toddler.  This parent will likely feel too overwhelmed to say anything out loud, and will receive silent judgment from at least a few around her.   That’s the rub.  We feel pressure to have it all together, but to have even an illusion of control, we have to take care of ourselves.

Self-care.  To many, this concept feels foreign and selfish, but let me be a voice, among the others I hope are around you, to argue vehemently for it. Give yourself permission to put your physical and emotional needs at least on the same page as your baby’s needs.  You can and will run out of resources if you don’t also parent and take care of yourself.  In the early days with a newborn, sometimes self-care is brushing your teeth, once, while the baby cries and cries.  Sometimes it’s stepping outside your front door for one minute and taking in a big gulp of fresh air, once, while the baby cries and cries.  Take any resulting feelings of guilt or selfishness as positive signs of the soreness accompanying your internal growth.  Trust that the end result will be a more grounded version of you, capable of nurturing your baby and partner from a surplus of actual strength, instead of a pseudo-supply based on the obscene pressure we place on ourselves and receive from society.

My self-care story might repulse you, make you smile knowingly, or both.  The night after I’d reached my limit, we decided to reclaim a moment of “normalcy.”  Our daughter, inexplicably, occasionally relaxed when lying on her changing table in our bathroom.  I sat on the lid of the toilet, with J facing me on a chair, knees squished together, plates of food on our laps.  Baby girl was next to us, in her zen space, calmly staring at the ceiling and listening to us laugh at how disgustingly beautiful the moment was.  Our first family dinner, and the beginning of my fight to factor myself in again.

BPP Sanity Savers:

  1. Remember that self-care is the pre-requisite to your sustained ability to care for anyone else.
  2. Notice and push through any guilty feelings that keep you from factoring in your personal needs.  Talk to a therapist or other supportive parents if you feel stuck.
  3. Talk with your parenting partner about ways you can generously support each other with your self-care efforts.

Here’s to Sanity and Self-Care,

Cheryl

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35 Sweet Parenting Side-Effects :: Tuesday Tip

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If you’ve spent time on our website, you know that we frequently address the stressful aspects of parenthood.  Why?  Because parenting can be rough.  Cheryl and I really want to be two supportive voices in your life that say, You’re normal to be struggling, we’ve got your back and we have ideas and resources to make things easier.  As Brian the Birth Guy says, we see it as our mission to help you navigate “the dark corners” of pregnancy, childbirth and parenting and ultimately find your way to the light switch.

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Despite the running theme of emotional distress, things aren’t always dark after introducing a child into your life… in fact a large portion of the time, they can be really bright.  So Cheryl and I compiled a list of some of the sweeter side effects you’ll experience after transitioning into parenthood.  We moms and dads can use all the fun reminders we can get on why we signed up for this challenging and glorious thing called parenting.

Here ya go – 35 unexpected and pretty cool side-effects:

  1.  Really strong biceps.  The heavier the baby (or car seat) the stronger and sexier the arms.
  2.  You can count on rock solid calves as well.  If you have a two-story house, you’ll be climbing up and down those stairs approximately 265 times a day.
  3.  For the next 18 years, you have a permanent and totally worthy excuse for a messy house.  Use it.
  4.  You see a new side of your partner when he or she is doing laps around the kitchen with your fussy baby or sporting a new spit up stain… and you like it.
  5.  Holidays are magical again.
  6.  When you send out your holiday cards, you have something other than your pets to feature front and center.
  7.  You and your pillow develop a love affair.  It feels so soft and luxurious, especially when you forcefully drop your head on it and pass out.
  8.  Don’t get too attached… sleeping your life away is offically a non-option.
  9.  You actually become really good at snoozing sitting up, which comes in handy on planes.
  10.  Speaking of planes, three cheers for early boarding with young children.  (Milk this one as long as you can people.  An 8 yr. old and 10 yr. old are still young, right??)
  11.  Unlimited hugs, any time you want them (and sometimes when you don’t).
  12.  You become a stealth ninja at hiding pureed or shredded veggies in anything edible.
  13.  Someone (a very small someone) finally thinks you are a good singer.  Screw you, Simon Cowell!
  14.  You become infinitely more efficient with your time.  Ninety minutes to mop the floors, do the laundry, shower and respond to e-mails… Go!
  15.  Fireworks and Christmas lights become so much more sparkly.
  16.  Halloween candy, anyone?
  17.  Your penmanship and letter-writing skills improve dramatically with all of the hand-written notes from Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny.  Oh, and that pesky Elf.
  18.  You get to ride on merry-go-rounds again!  And again… and again…
  19.  Coffee tastes more incredible than ever.  Amazing.  A true elixir of the gods.
  20.  Sesame Street is back on the DVR.  You know you always had a thing for Bert.
  21.  You get to talk in 3rd person, Gollum-style (Mommy loves you, my precious) and are tempted to talk the same way when you’re out with your girlfriends. (Kirsten is so excited to be out of the house!  Yes, Kirsten would love a vodka grapefruit martini.  Mmmm, Kirsten likes. Kirsten wants more, my precious.)
  22.  Speaking of getting out of the house, when you do get out, you feel like you’re channeling Captain Kirk and “boldly going where no man has gone before”.  Everything, even the steering wheel of your car, feels fresh and new and different.
  23.  One of the places you get out to is your new favorite happy hour spot, Target.
  24.  After hours and hours and hours of bedtime story reading, you become quite the orator and public speaker.
  25.  You learn the correct technical names of all dinosaurs, tractors and exotic animals… because your child’s picture books are relentless and annoyingly accurate.
  26.  You become a master-stain remover. Spit up, squash and snot have nothing on you.
  27.  Dance parties in the kitchen… anytime you want one.
  28.  Small victories make your day: he slept through the night, she peed in the potty, you didn’t crumple up into a whimpering heap.  Go you!
  29.  You can always count on finding a snack, a baby wipe and a toy in your purse.  All very handy when out on a GNO.
  30.  On the subject of GNO’s, a whole new world of potential friends (who are also dying to get out) opens up.  Playgroup parents, preschool parents, PTA parents, you get the picture…
  31.  You finally have someone to teach you how to use your iPad.  (C’mon.  You know your three-year-old navigates it better than you do.)
  32.  White noise makers and baby monitors become a new permanent fixture in your home.  Once you get used to them, you kinda like living in a wind tunnel that you can hear at all times.
  33.  You now have a stroller to sneak snacks and beverages into music festivals.
  34.  Tons of smiles and laughs.  Way more than you ever got when you sat in a cubicle.
  35.  It may grow gradually or it might burst onto your scene, but you experience a love greater than anything you’ve ever felt before… and it feels really, really good.

So there you have it… and we know there are more.   Feel free to share them in the comment section!  We’d love to hear the sweet side-effects you’re experiencing on your parenting adventure.

Here’s to Strength and Gollum,

Kirsten

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The Best and Worst Ways To Support Parents of Screamers :: Tuesday Tip

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We all mean well.  Parents in the Wild (aka Target) tune into each other, and can keenly sense distress.  The desire to help each other out is natural and good, but sometimes our ways of going about it miss the mark.  Here are three ways I often received “support” that felt anything but supportive:

  1. “Enjoy this; it will pass before you know it,” (usually accompanied by a longing expression).  I knew these parents were wise, and the advice was actually good.  But at the time, the psychotic impulse I resisted was planting my hysterical baby right in their hands, screaming, “Here!  Take her!”  and then running the hell away.  Seeing the forest for the trees is a very important skill for a new parent, but suggesting he or she do so in the midst of a melt-down is poorly timed.
  2. “She’s probably hungry.”  Rage.  Rage.  Condescending imagined response, “OMG!  I totally forgot to FEED my baby! Thank you for reminding me!  I’ll get on that right away!”  Again, just a suggestion from an innocent bystander, but for many moms, feeding their babies feels like all they ever, ever do, and if breastfeeding is a struggle and/or milk-production is low, it can really sting to hear that someone thinks their child is hungry.  Or, maybe they had the tiniest window in which to run an errand, and they pushed it a little too far because it felt so amazing to be out of the house, and they already feel like guilty crap about it without the extra feedback.
  3. Anything, ever said to a parent while pretending to use the “baby’s voice.”  Picture a mom standing in a check out line, holding a screaming infant.  Person Behind Mom, “speaking” for the baby, “Mama, I’m tired!  Take me home, Mama! Mama, try to enjoy me now because soon I’ll be 18 and wrecking your car!  Mama, I’m hunnngggrryyyy!” Perhaps this is intended to add a bit of cheer to the situation, but it often comes through as passive aggressive, and makes moms want to scream, “This is my baby!  Not your puppet, Scary Ventriloquist Mystery Shopper!”

You can safely assume that most parents are doing everything they possibly can to keep their babies happy while simultaneously managing the rest of their lives.  Why not help in an Advice/Analysis/Assessment-Free way?  Here are three ways to offer impactful support:

  1. Tangible.  If you notice a parent is in the weeds, and you can see small, specific, non-intrusive ways to lighten their load, offer them up.  “Your hands are full.  Can I help you by putting your groceries on the counter?”  Even if they refuse, most parents appreciate the gesture.
  2. Encouraging.  Sometimes offering up a positive statement about how hard the parent is working to manage everything can mean the world, “Parents like you inspire me – thank you for holding it together and hang in there!”  Or, “You know how all of these people are staring at you with disdain because your child’s screams are hurting their ears?  Screw em’!!!”
  3. Respectful.  Sometimes parents are just barely hanging on, and are in a zone.  They just want to complete their errand and get themselves and their little screamers out the door.  Times like this, no feedback, positive or negative feels helpful. Take moments like this as opportunities to silently affirm.  You can send out a positive vibe, or if you’re a praying person, offer one up, while giving her physical space.

Good intentions are powerfully kind, and when they translate to meaningful, receivable support, they can also be powerfully impactful.

Here’s to Sanity and Ventriloquism,

Cheryl

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Can I Do This? Facing Parenting Inadequacy Anxiety :: Monday Musing

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Kirsten’s awesome anxiety tip made a visual pop into my head: a big deck of gross cards, representing the multiple anxieties I had/have about motherhood.  It took me a long time to connect with any sort of desire to have children, and when that drive finally became strong enough to push me through the intense fears that had repressed it, I struggled with infertility for over a year before getting pregnant.  I had a little time to stack quite a few things to worry about.  One of the biggest was in the form of a loaded question:  Will I Suck as a Mom?
Understanding parenting fears

Most women I’m close with are naturally maternal, and always have been.  Genetic’s tendency to skip certain people when handing out qualities, combined with the specifics of my childhood rendered me not naturally maternal.  Growing up, my friends sweetly swaddled, fed and held their baby dolls, while mine dressed provocatively, drove around in my shoes (excellent barbie cars on a budget) and reenacted screaming matches between Erica and Palmer from “All My Children.”  While I was still light years from wanting a baby, 7 of my close friends got pregnant within a year of each other.  I watched each of their journeys, and the beautiful ways they stayed anchored to their natural maternal instincts through all of the struggles they experienced.  I scanned myself for such an anchor, and felt lost.

It gets even more messed up.  Anxiety has a way of dipping into your past and finding memories/connections to build its strength.  It’s as if the anxiety tries to build a “factual” case to support and inflate itself.  In third grade science, we had a classroom pet hamster who was pregnant.  Our teacher suggested we have a prize drawing for which lucky students would get to take home the babies when they were old enough to become pets.  This beautiful lesson on the magic of reproductivity went very wrong, when we arrived at school one morning greeted with the news that the night before, the mother hamster had given birth, and had then eaten her babies.  “This is just what happens in the animal kingdom sometimes,” my distraught teacher explained to our open-mouthed, shocked faces.

To be clear – I wasn’t afraid I would eat my babies.  But this harrowing memory linked up and added some emotional intensity to my very real fears about motherhood: that I would repeat painful patterns from my childhood with my own children, that I would not be naturally maternally strong enough to get through all of the transitions of parenting, that I wouldn’t be able to bond properly, that I just wouldn’t love them enough.

It took time for everything to warm up in me.  I had to have help.  I had to be honest with myself and with people close to me.  I had to act “as if” I was naturally maternal, until I became naturally maternal.  Holy crap, I love these kids.  So much that it’s sometimes direct sunlight painful to look at them.  I have fear to thank for that.

Ahhhh, anxiety.  Our constant, faceted companion.  I have learned to appreciate one thing about it.  It forces awareness.  We all have blind spots, which make us human, and sometimes unexpectedly surface and face-plant trip us.  Anxiety has a way of pulling things out of blindness, flooding them with light, sound and imagery.  In this way, it preempts and dramatically reduces the risk that you’ll actually make the mistakes you fear.  The trick is to then turn down the volume on your fears so you can focus on what’s in front of you, and avoid overcorrecting.  Although with love, maybe overcorrecting is kind of okay.

Here’s to Sanity and Hamsters,

Cheryl

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A Crack In My Armor :: Monday Musing

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You’re a real trooper.

I love receiving that compliment and I’m known to frequently dole it out myself.

Other versions of it go something like this: You’re a hoss. You’re super tough. You roll with the punches and keep on rolling.

Parenting and post partem depression

When I hear these affirmations, I envision a thick-skinned warrior woman, covered in armor.  No obstacle can get in her way.  She is invincible.

My first pregnancy set me up to achieve full “trooper” status.  Aside from experiencing some morning sickness and heartburn, the nine months flew by without incident and ended in a birth that went miraculously as planned. Morphing into a new mom wasn’t quite as seamless, but after I figured out breastfeeding and sleeping, I shifted things into cruise control and focused on falling in love with my new little guy.  And fall in love I did.

I’ve got this pregnancy and motherhood thing down, I thought.  I’m a real trooper.

When I became pregnant with Baby #2, small cracks began appearing in my armor.  This time the path to parenthood wasn’t so smooth.  The pregnancy was stressful – a diagnosis of placenta previa, three deaths in our extended family and a little toddler with sensory issues who wanted to prove that the Two’s really are Terrible.  When the due date came and went – and then went a little further – our doctor made the decision to induce.  My water was broken, the pitocin was pumped into me and that sweet little baby practically rocketed out of my body.  I was left feeling drained and wary, unsure if I was ready to care for two babies under the same roof.

As I’ve written before, our challenges did not end there.  Our two-week-old baby boy was diagnosed with a medical condition that sent us back to the hospital for observation and surgery.  Ten days later, my little newborn and I received the great news that we could return home.  But honestly, there was a part of me that didn’t want to leave the hospital, a part that was scared to manage my sickly newborn and testy toddler on my own.

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I wanted to be a trooper.   I wanted to roll with the punches and keep on smiling.  Looking back, I was terribly depressed and not coping very well.  I cried a lot during the first few months of being a mother of two.  When my husband would come home after a 12-hour work shift, he often found me standing in the driveway, shoulders slumped, desperate for relief.  Occasionally, while sitting on a girlfriend’s couch or hovering on a phone call, I would let my guard down and let the tears flow.  Most of the time, I tucked my emotions in close and put on an act that I had everything under control.  Put on an act that I wasn’t struggling with postpartum depression.

If I could hop in a time machine and go back to that year, I would sit myself down and have a stern talk. “Listen here girlfriend, you don’t have to be so strong.  And you definitely don’t have to do this all on your own.  Now is not the time to be a trooper and to maintain an illusion of perfection.  Now is the time to reach out for help and say, THIS IS HARD, damn it.”

“And let me tell you something else,” I would add before jumping back in the time machine with a flourish. “It won’t always be this hard.  Bit by bit, it will get easier and you’ll get your snap back.  You’ll go back to work.  You’ll go out on the town.  You’ll even co-create a super cool blog (wink, wink).  But right now, it is hard.  So let’s take off the Wonder Woman costume and call in the troops.  That’s an order!”

And back to the future, I would zoom.

The saying goes that “the shoemaker’s son has no shoes.”  Well in my case, the counselor didn’t get counseling.  If I had to do it again, I would pile on the help and support so high, I would be drowning in it.

Being a trooper is an admirable thing, but being a new parent who acknowledges when she or he is struggling and seeks help is even more admirable.  When you have a new baby, there is no better time to give your armor, your shields and your weapons a rest and call in reinforcement.  Let others hold down the fort and sometimes hold the baby.  Let others prepare the meals and maybe wash the dishes.  Let others care for you so that you can care for your kids.  I definitely wish I had.

Here’s to Sanity and Time Machines,

Kirsten

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Picture Imperfect – A Mother’s Social Media Outtakes:: Monday Musing

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Facebook and I have a love/hate relationship with each other.  I love that I can now recognize the sweet faces of extended family when they pick me up at airports across the ocean.  We don’t have to start from scratch when catching each other up on years of news. I also love coming across an article or a post that makes me think so hard my brain hurts.  And there’s that handful of FB friends who really should have considered stand-up comedy, because their daily descriptions of the most mundane activities make me laugh so whole-heartedly, they test my bladder control.

What do I hate about Facebook?  That a typical scroll through my news feed leaves me feeling left out and inferior.  I can’t speak for your home page, but on mine, everyone appears to be more involved, more attractive, more fulfilled and more successful in whatever endeavor they happen to be doing at the time.  FB feels like the Land of the Mores and I’m hanging out in the Village of Less Than.  My friends and counseling clients report similar feelings, so much so that I have begun quietly lobbying for a new therapeutic diagnosis: Social Media Syndrome – when your Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest accounts make you feel like crap.  (You’ll notice that I left out Twitter, because people who tweet tend to tell you when they are having a rotten day, therefore making you feel more mainstream.)

I came across a quote recently that summed up my Facebook experience:

The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel. — Steven Furtick

Amen, Steven.  Facebook is not known for being a place of transparency and rawness.  It’s more akin to a polished online scrapbook in which people showcase their best photos and their best days, with witty captions attached.  It used to be the magazines and movies that made us feel like we had to live up to a certain ideal.  Now, it is frequently our own peer group. While sitting in our toy-filled, chaotic houses, many of us parents compulsively view our friends’ sanitized, customized, Instagram-ed greatest hits.  It’s like daily torture for the psyche.

You would think with all of my whining, that I would have kicked Facebook to the curb.  I haven’t.  If I’m being honest, I enjoy editing and presenting my own carefully crafted highlight reel.  It’s a little bit art form, a little bit news sharing, and a lot of trying to score as many “likes” as possible.  Alas, I’m no better than the rest of ’em.  Here’s an example of a pic that made my FB cut a few years ago:

Parenting guide for social media issues

The caption next to this photo read: Sunday brunch with my boys.  After posting it, I got a gazillion “likes” and a whole stream of sweet comments, including “Gorgeous family!”  “ Do you ever change?”  “Cute boys.”

Now let me give you this photo’s must-have-happened back-story.  My husband must have been home that morning which allowed me to actually take a shower, in peace.  I’m wearing a dress, which means hubby gave me a few extra minutes to shave my legs.  My hair is brushed and not pulled pack in a rubber band; apparently no one threw a tantrum or needed a time-out before I finished with the hair dryer.  A Curious George episode might have been involved.  Everyone appears to have slept through the night – my face doesn’t look gaunt or puffy.  The photo was snapped right after we arrived at the venue because my sons’ outfits (Hello – what was I thinking with the white shirt??) are spotless.  (I can guarantee you that a few minutes later, that white shirt was adorned with some large, ketchup-colored stain.)  One of the boys is smiling.  He must have been excited about the dessert he was about to get.  The other boy isn’t smiling, but hey, he isn’t crying, yelling, hitting or running.  Score!!  Take the photo, quick!!

Aaaand, we captured the perfect moment.

Most of our moments are not perfect.  In fact, they are far from perfect.  Since we’re being real here, I’ll share some parenting pics that didn’t make it to Facebook.  And for good measure, I’ll attach the captions that could have been:

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I just squeezed out a gigantic, screaming infant and I’m exhausted, but isn’t he gorgeous?

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IMG_1220Yes, my nostrils, eyes and hair are fun to stick fingers in.  All of the time.  Said no mom ever.

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You are a man-child and you really want me to hold you?  Ok, c’mon up baby.

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Is his life jacket suffocating him?  Is he too hot?  Can my worry lines get any more creased?

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Stick a fork in me, I’m done.  Kids are finally in bed.  Don’t touch me.  Don’t come near me.  Don’t even come close enough to focus that camera.  Just.  Don’t.

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Yes, we’re doing bath time, for the 245th time this year.  Need anything?

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This is my favorite, clearly taken by a four year old.   I call it, “A Typical Day in the Life”, complete with teething baby, glasses, sweats, folded laundry, stacking cups and…mess.

 So there you have it, my behind-the-scenes.  They’re not pretty, they’re not shiny and they didn’t make the Facebook cut.  But they are real and authentic, and they’re my life.

When my clients complain about the insecurities that social and mainstream media trigger for them, I encourage them to envision the back-stories.  For every perfect photo, there are ten outtakes that were not so perfect.  Even actress Olivia Wilde admitted that her infant son peed all over her couture dress during her latest breast-feeding photo-shoot for Glamour.  After being a therapist for many years, and having hundreds, maybe thousands of clients sit on my couch, I’ve observed that everyone has their pee-accidents, their gunk and their bad days.  Everyone.  Sometimes the folks that look the shiniest and most polished on the outside are the messiest on the inside.

Ten years ago we admired our friends’ scrap books and special photo albums once a year, if that.  Now we look at them every hour.  Limit your usage and take breaks from social media when needed.  Or get off of Facebook and social networks all together if they are bringing you down.  That will give you more time to enjoy your own messy outtakes and unique lifetime movie.  It might not be perfect, but it’s all yours.  And that equals perfection in my book.

Here’s to sanity and pee-soaked couture,

Kirsten

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Yes, that is a posed, Photoshopped head-shot pictured above. (Part of my highlights reel, for sure.)

And now that I have completely bashed social media, here is your opportunity to share. ; )

Unmet Expectations – 3 Ways to Cope with Parenting Disappointments :: Tuesday Tip

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Coping with disappointment raising children

A lot of moms and partners experience some sort of let down during pregnancy, birth and the first few months with their newborns.  Maybe you hoped to have a girl, and felt a twinge when you got the ultrasound results.  Maybe breastfeeding was insanely difficult, and you had to switch to formula sooner than you’d planned.  Maybe you went in ready for a vaginal delivery, and ended up having a c-section.  Maybe you thought your newborn would be a sleeping angel, but he turned out to be a very active night owl.  Even the most flexible people have at least a vague idea of how they’d like things to go, and when those hopes and expectations aren’t met, it’s very normal to feel at least a little sad and/or angry.  Although we’re usually pretty good at normalizing other people’s struggles, many of us experience guilt when it’s our turn to face our own version of disappointment.

Disappointment, when it’s left bottled up, can make you more susceptible to depression and/or anxiety, so it’s very important to acknowledge it.  A common reframe we use in Therapy World is this:  “What would you say to a friend who was experiencing the same thing?”  Almost always, the answer is some version of this:  “I’d tell them I’m sorry it happened that way.  I’d hug them and tell them it’s okay to be sad.”   I never hear, “What’s wrong with you?  Get a grip!  What do you have to be upset about?” It feels terrible to even write words like that – I can’t imagine saying them to someone.  Yet, somehow, it’s very easy to say to myself when I’m going through difficult emotions.

Here are some strategies for airing out the inevitable changes in your best laid plans, for any stage of parenting:

  1. Prepare as much as you can mentally for the reality that not everything will go according to plan.  Try to “hold on loosely” to your visions of pregnancy, birth and the postpartum months.
  2. Let it flow.  If you notice anger or sadness welling up over unmet expectations, allow yourself a good cry, an intense journal entry, or a venting session with a trusted friend or therapist.
  3. Once you’ve allowed yourself to feel your feelings, use gentle methods to redirect yourself and assimilate the change.  Instead of saying, “Snap out of it!”, try reflecting on something positive.  My midwife used to remind me that “chaos creates new flow,” and I still grab for that phrase when I’m going through a change in plans.

Here’s To Sanity and Flow,

Cheryl

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The Child Sleep Consultant :: Wednesday Wisdom

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Lori Strong Certified Child Sleep Consultant

Meet Lori Strong. She is a Certified Child Sleep Consultant and a Certified Happiest Baby Educator. She is also the founder and owner of Strong Little Sleepers, which was built on the idea that all families need and deserve to get a good night’s sleep. Lori was the first certified child sleep consultant in Austin, Texas and was honored as Best Sleep Expert at the 2013 Austin Birth Awards. Additionally, she is a member of the International Association of Child Sleep Consultants. That’s a lot of sleep credentials! Lori combines her experience as an educator and a parent to offer customized sleep plans and support to families with children ages 0-6 across the country. We are overjoyed to feature Lori’s expertise today because most new parents we know can benefit from some trustworthy sleep advice.

BPP: How did you decide to become a sleep consultant and educator for new parents?

LS: My children were my inspiration! I have an 8 year old son and a 5 year old daughter. I was a teacher before I had kids, so I’ve always been passionate about education.  I moved to Austin when I was 34 weeks pregnant and had no family or support system in place right before I had my son. We took classes, but nobody taught me anything about sleep other than to say that “babies sleep a lot”. That advice didn’t help much when my son struggled with sleep and was difficult to soothe. While holding a fussy baby in one arm and reading book after book in the other, I navigated through a ton of information about sleep and put together a plan to help him sleep better. It worked! Before I knew it, I was helping friends and family with their babies and they were all sleeping better too. I realized that so many parents were struggling with sleep and were overwhelmed about where to start in order to make things better.  Supporting them made it possible for them to make changes.  I decided to become a Certified Child Sleep Consultant because I wanted to take my informal training to a higher level so that I would be prepared to work with all kinds of sleep issues. I love teaching families about how child sleep develops and can be improved, and seeing their families transform when they start to get more sleep.

BPP: What is the age range of children that you consult on?

LS: I work with families who are expecting children through 6 years old.  I offer newborn “What to Expect” sleep workshops and Happiest Baby on the Block newborn calming classes to expecting parents and new parents of babies under 4 months. For children over 4 months of age, we are able to begin sleep training if necessary.

BPP: What are the most common sleep issues that parents present to you?

LS: The biggest issues I see are struggles with naps– either they aren’t happening at all or they are very short.

The other main issue I am presented with involves children needing something to put them to sleep, such as rocking or other motion, food, etc… and then they don’t stay asleep.  Older children may often come out of their rooms or have difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep without a parent present.  There’s such a range of sleep issues depending on the age of the child!

BPP: How do you partner with parents to help them with sleep issues? What does a typical consultation look like?

LS: I offer three levels of support to parents: email, phone, and in-home visits. Each option begins with filling out an intake form. If the parents choose the email support, I communicate through the intake form so we can have a conversation and create a plan through email. The parents then implement recommended changes and use further email as needed to report back to me, ask questions, and celebrate your success.  Phone consultations are typically an hour long (Skype is great because we can talk face to face from a distance.) We come up with a plan to help your child sleep better. After our talk, I follow up with a written plan that covers everything we talked about so you can refer to it while making your changes. Once you get started making changes, I support families for two weeks with follow up phone calls and emails. The in-home visit is very similar except that it is a 2-hour consultation in your home, which gives the extra support that comes with meeting someone in person.  I also get to meet the children that way, which is one of my favorite parts of the consultation.

BPP: Do you subscribe to any particular infant-sleep philosophies or systems?

LS: I don’t follow one system or method because every child and family is different. I believe that some babies are born as really good sleepers, but some need to be taught how to self-soothe and become strong sleepers.  Sleep is a biological need that we all have and the sleep needs of a child are different to those of an adult.  I take various aspects of the family into consideration when creating a sleep plan for them which includes sleep environment, temperament of the baby, feedings, timing of sleep, and how the child falls asleep.  My plans are very personalized; method is only one part of them.

BPP: What are your thoughts on co-sleeping with an infant?

LS: Controversial question! The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends co-sleeping (sharing a room) with your infant for the first six months of life to help reduce the risk of SIDS. Having a crib or bassinet in the same room as the parents or a co-sleeper attached to the bed are great ways to do this. This can also aid in breastfeeding success.  Bed-sharing is not recommended because the SIDS risk is much higher when a baby is placed on a soft mattress with loose bedding and extra people in the bed. My goal is to make sure that when I work with a family, that they are practicing safe sleep. If a family chooses to bed-share, there are precautions that need to be made (just as we take precautions with a safe crib) to ensure the baby will be safe.  There are many families that do this and it works well for them.  If it is not working for everyone, then I think it’s best to make changes so that the entire family can sleep better.  Whether you co-sleep or not, a baby still has certain biological sleep needs that need to be met. That doesn’t change with their sleep location.

BPP: Do you ever advise parents of twins or multiples?

LS: Yes! I’ve worked with many families of multiples. I admire these parents so much because they have super powers! Parents of multiples need to be organized. Keep charts in the bedroom so you can track feedings and sleep for each child. It’s helpful if each parent is responsible for one child at night (if possible).  If this isn’t possible, try to employ the help of a relative or friend in those first few months. Scheduling becomes really important for twins because if they are on opposite schedules, your entire day can be spent feeding and trying to get babies to sleep, which is incredibly stressful and exhausting.

BPP: Do you have one suggestion that parents can use right now to help their children sleep better?

LS: An earlier bedtime is a magic bullet. It sounds crazy, but putting your child to sleep earlier will help them sleep longer. This is also true for babies! When children are overtired, they have a harder time falling asleep and staying asleep.  If you make an earlier bedtime a priority when trying to improve sleep, your child will begin to get deeper sleep and will eventually sleep longer. This doesn’t mean they will sleep until 10 am, but it really helps in getting them quality sleep.  Families always look at me a little funny when I suggest this, but it really does help!

Sleeping Child

BPP: Do you believe that infants and older children should get a certain number of hours of sleep? Is there a chart that you refer to?

LS: Studies show that children need various hours of sleep during the day and at night depending on their age. I refer to charts by Richard Ferber, the American Academy of Pediatrics, as well as the National Sleep Foundation, but they are suggestions and averages. I focus on the quality of sleep vs. the quantity of sleep when I work with families. If the environment is conducive for a child to sleep and they are given a consistent way to sleep, most children will respond by having healthy sleep habits, will get the necessary sleep they need and will appear to be well-rested and generally happy. I offer a free child sleep expectations guide on my website. You can download it at my website.

BPP: Lastly, do you have any sanity-saving suggestions for parents who are struggling with sleep-deprivation?

LS: Know that you are not alone and that it is possible to make positive changes.  I really recommend working with a sleep consultant because chances are, if you’re sleep deprived, you’re too tired to read the books. If you’re looking online for information, you will come up with thousands of articles for and against each other. It can be so daunting and overwhelming and you might want to give up before you even get started. It’s important to understand that it can take some time to see changes, but if you’re consistent, things will really improve.
I also encourage new parents to ask for and accept help! And never trade clean dishes or a clean house for a nap.

For more information about working with Lori or to download a free child sleep expectations guide, visit her website at http://www.stronglittlesleepers.com

We also recommend that you follow Strong Little Sleepers on Facebook and Twitter for sleep tips, news, and giveaways.  You can participate in Lori’s bi-weekly Nap Chat Happy Hours – ask a child sleep question and get an answer on the spot, for free!

Thanks again for answering all of our questions, Lori. We wish that we had known you when we were new, sleep-deprived parents!

C & K ♥

Free-Range Helicopter :: Monday Musing

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Wander over to the parenting section of a bookstore, and you’ll find shelves crammed with various child-rearing philosophies: Attachment Parenting, Slow Parenting, Tiger Parenting. Everyone has advice to give and they often seem to contradict each other. You’re not alone if you find this to be overwhelming. Occasionally I’ll find a gem of a book or a website and commit to doing things differently. For the most part, I’ve learned to avoid that section of the book store all together. I find that the best advice comes from my friends who are in the trenches with me.

free range helicopter parenting

The parenting style that has been getting the most negative press these days is Helicopter Parenting.  You’ve heard about it, the tendency of modern day moms and dads to hover over their children continually, preventing them from taking risks and making their own choices or failing. The critics argue that our generation is raising kids who lack independence and initiative. Little robotic clones who only move with direction and never learn their own limits. I see evidence of these claims in my therapy practice. I often work with young people who struggle to apply for jobs, cope with stress, or make major life decisions on their own.

The push-back to the hovering helicopter is another buzz-worthy term, Free-Range Parenting. Just like chickens, the free-range proponents encourage parents to unleash their children and let them wander and explore independently. Kids are allowed to stumble and often get hurt, in hopes of teaching them self-regulation and natural boundaries. But here’s the deal: although this form of hipster parenting has plenty of positive attributes, I have also seen some negative after-effects in my practice. Many of my clients who were raised in the “kids are meant to play outside all day” 20th century, have been victims of various forms of sexual abuse or neglect and are still trying to heal from the trauma. I often wonder aloud how their parents missed the red-flags indicating that their kids were in trouble. I also wonder if helicopter parenting was born in response to the neglect that many X-Generation parents experienced.

Ask my husband about my parenting style and he would say that I do a constant dance between helicopter and free-range. Sometimes I’m a nervous wreck about the amount of candy or screen time my kids have ingested in one day. Other times, I’m THAT mom, who allows my kids to skateboard down our steep-as-a-ski-slope driveway or explore our large neighborhood (sewer drains included) on their own. Most of the time, I attempt to land somewhere in the middle. Kind of like a free-range helicopter who soars calmly overhead, keeping a watchful eye on the activities below, swooping in only when I see signs of serious danger or distress.

Parenting is not an exact science. We waste a lot of emotional energy when we try to be perfect child-rearing specimens who follow all of the latest trends and research. My advice is to allow yourself to flex back and forth as a parent, learning and growing as your child grows. Read the books and web articles, take the advice of your friends but in the end, observe your kids. They will let you know whether you are hovering too closely or needing to build more fences around their virtual chicken coop. Free-Range Helicopter or Slow Tiger, in the end what matters most is that you remain conscious and loving… the rest will usually float (or flutter) into place.

Here’s to Sanity and Chickens,

Kirsten

Kirsten Brunner, MA, LPC

Want to read more? Here are two great essays on the subject from other blogging mamas:

In Defense of Helicopter Parenting

Risk Assessment: The Case for Free-Range Parenting

Yes Trespassing :: Tuesday Tip

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The link between a mom and a newborn is remarkably intense.  It can involve breastfeeding, bliss, struggle, depression, bonding, regret, anxiety, protectiveness, super-strength, exhaustion; and can overwhelm both parents.  Psychologist Augustus Napier refers to it as the “charmed circle of mother and child,” and writes about how intimidating that circle can be, especially for fathers and parenting partners.  Partners often experience feelings of inadequacy and isolation.  They long to help, but feel intrinsically shut out of the many parts of initial bonding that are mama-centric.

Maternal bond and parenting relationships

My kids are lucky to have J for a dad for many reasons, but one of the biggest is that not much scares him.  During my first pregnancy, he shared his conviction to stay close to me and our new baby, not allowing his own insecurities to get in the way of being as relevant and helpful as he could be.  He said, “I’ll obviously never be The Mom.  I don’t have those [pointed at my breasts], and there’s just no replacement for the bond you’ll have with the baby.”  Before she even arrived, he started accepting that she and I would be the center of each other’s universes for some time.

Instead of J withdrawing, we both worked (and fought, and misfired, and tried again) to find ways for him to stay in the circle with us.  Every partnership is different, but here’s what worked best for us:

“I can’t feed her yet, but I can feed you.”  He made sure I had snacks and meals and kept my water glass full – especially when I felt too tired to prepare food for myself.

“You have to get up with her, so I will too.”  During night feedings, he changed her diaper and expertly swaddled her while I got myself situated on the couch with my pillow and book.

“You focus on her, and I’ll hold down the fort.”  He made grocery runs, helped keep the house picked up, did laundry, learned to set up and break down a pack-n-play with one hand behind his back, bathed her, held her for hours while she colic-cried, and snuggled with us during feedings.

Parts of the maternal bond are impenetrable, but as partners, you can swerve toward it, finding your own ways of being indispensable.  Tell her you want to help, and ask her to give you specific, measurable ways you can support her and the baby.  Be patient when she can’t identify what would help, and reach out for support if you both start feeling flooded.  Moms, if you notice your partner withdrawing, try to identify ways he or she can connect with you.  Being invited to the party feels really good, even if you’re not quite sure how you’ll fit in.

Here’s to Sanity and Circles,

Cheryl

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Label My Child, Please :: Monday Musing

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Being married to a therapist, my husband has participated in his fair share of parenting strategy sessions.  Ok… maybe MORE than his fair share. (This would be an appropriate time to bestow a little sympathy on spouses of therapists everywhere.)

One of our initial co-parenting talks took place while I was pregnant with our first child.  While he sipped his beer and I sipped my hot tea, we agreed that we would avoid using labels with our new baby.  The negative labels (difficult, clumsy, shy, fat, skinny, ugly) are obviously damaging to a child’s developing self-concept and can put the kid in a box that is hard to break free of.  The positive labels (smart, good, beautiful, perfect, athletic) can be equally harmful.  Labeled with these adjectives, a child feels like they have certain high standards that they have to live up to.  If they no longer consider themselves to be “beautiful” or “perfect”, they can feel like they have somehow failed or that they’re not OK.  In fact, ample research has been done on the overuse of the compliment, “smart”.  When children are told continually how smart they are, they begin to feel like everything should come easily to them.  And when they have to work at a task, or God-forbid, fail a few times, these same kids get frustrated and give up easily because it doesn’t fit with their preconceived notion of how smart people perform.

Instead of using the good, the bad and the ugly labels, we agreed to give our kids good ol’ fashioned unconditional love (I love you. Period.) and to focus our compliments and comments on the effort they were putting into their activities and learning (I can see how hard you are working to stack those blocks in a really tall tower. And now you’re putting all of your energy into knocking them over!)  Ok, we don’t always talk like that, but overall my husband and I try to focus more on our children’s efforts and less on empty praise.

The labels that we didn’t prepare for are what I call the big box, or diagnosable labels, such as colic, Autism, ADHD, allergies, learning disabilities, chronic illness, etc.  We weren’t avoiding discussion of these labels… it just didn’t occur to us to bring them up.  I think we assumed (since I was taking my pre-natal vitamins, of course!) that we would never have to use any of these stigmatized descriptors.  There was probably a little bit of pride and stubbornness mixed in there.  But ultimately, we subscribed to the “Why worry until it happens?” philosophy, which I strongly recommend to any expectant or new parent.

Sensory Processing DisorderSo we didn’t worry… until my son was about 3 years old.  That was the age when we began to notice some troubling quirks that we couldn’t ignore.  Aidan had the loudest voice in the room, but couldn’t tolerate loud noises himself.  He was exceptionally rough and violent with his new baby brother, but was extremely sensitive to touch and rough clothing.  Teeth brushing, nail trimming, haircuts and doctor’s appointments were always accompanied by prolonged, blood curdling screaming.  His favorite activities involved burrowing himself into couch pillows or throwing toys around the house.  I won’t even go into the toilet training challenges we were having.  At his 3-year wellness check, when his pediatrician asked, “How are things going?” I almost burst into tears as I listed off the challenges we were dealing with.  That was the first time that I heard about the condition, Sensory Processing Disorder.

Later that day, my wise Cousin Val, an Occupational Therapist in Australia, confirmed the doctor’s suspicions via e-mail and gave us a long list of suggestions.  Thus began a series of bi-weekly OT sessions for Aidan, or what he considered to be fun gymnastics in a place we called the “Playhouse.”  No time was wasted – we were ready for some help.  We surprised even ourselves with our rapid acceptance of the Sensory Processing Disorder diagnosis when we so vehemently rejected labels in the past.   Looking back, there were three reasons why the label of SPD saved our little family:

It gave us understanding.  Suddenly Aidan’s extreme sensitivity to everything under the sun made sense.  His explosive behavior and tendency to want to squeeze himself and everything around him also had an explanation.  Instead of feeling continually frustrated, we had a framework to understand our child’s behavior and we could offer more compassion and patience.

Pillow Pile for Diving

Pillow Pile for Diving

It gave us tools.  Now we had more than time-outs and reasoning to help our son work through his challenges.  When he seemed edgy and explosive, we threw couch pillows on the floor and let him dive in and channel his destructive energy.  Massaging or “brushing” his body helped him to release the negative tension.  Squeezing him between pillows (similar to Temple Grandin’s hug machine) or giving him weight-bearing exercises also helped his body to regulate.  We bought sound-blocking headphones, softer clothing, and made sure he got plenty of sleep and minimal sugar.  The more we consciously regulated his environment and triggers, the more his body “toughened up.”

It gave us relief.  My husband and I got to trade in our “Worst Parents EVER” badges for “NO WONDER We Were Struggling!” t-shirts.  The more we learned about SPD, the more we realized that Aidan was dealing with a fairly common condition that could be managed and remedied.  We learned that approximately 30% of so-called gifted kids (oops, there’s a label) deal with some form of sensory issues.  The diagnosis of SPD enabled us to let go of some of the self-blame and shame we were struggling with and reinvest our energy into learning about Aidan’s condition and helping him to recover.

Parents as a whole feel SO MUCH pressure to get everything “just right” and raise kids who are relatively perfect.  Sometimes letting go of our fear of labels and acknowledging issues when they arise can open the floodgates for support and information.

Some examples?

  • If your newborn is crying uncontrollably for hours on end, don’t hesitate to reach out to your pediatrician.  It might be reflux, or perhaps it is colic.  Most likely it is nothing you are doing wrong as a parent.
  • If you are a new mother dealing with extreme depression, anxiety or intrusive thoughts, resist the urge to isolate and cope on your own.  You might be fighting Postpartum Depression and we want you to get the support and encouragement you need.
  • And if you are really struggling with your child’s behavior, don’t automatically adopt the title of “Incompetent Parent” like we did.  Read, ask questions and reach out for help.  Even if your kid is “just being a kid”, it doesn’t hurt to consult with an expert – you don’t have to figure this out on your own.

Today our son is a 4th grader who, for the most part, has outgrown his sensitivities.  We still make sure he gets plenty of sleep, healthy food and consistent routines.  We still throw in sound-blocking headphones when we’re going to see fireworks or a concert.  Just like other parents we limit his screen time and make sure he gets regular exercise.  If you asked Aidan about Sensory Processing Disorder, he would say, “Huh??”  He doesn’t identify himself with that label.  As far as he knows, he is a normal 9 year old who occasionally drives his parents crazy.  Mission accomplished in our opinion.  The label we used to understand and help our child is the last descriptor he would use to define himself.  And that is the kind of label our family can buy into.

Here’s to Sanity and Pillow-Diving,

Kirsten

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I’d Die For Them – A Modern Family’s Tale :: Monday Musing

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Occasionally at BPP we make things personal.  Our hope is that revealing some of our own struggles and triumphs will resonate with and inspire you.  Cheryl submitted this essay to the Gay Dad Project, an online resource for families in which one parent has come out as LGBTQ.  The Gay Dad Project provides a safe space for families to tell their stories, connect and raise awareness.  We decided her essay was worth sharing with you too.

I’d Die For Them – A Modern Family’s Tale

It’s easy to say you’d die for your kids.  It seems standard to parenting – this unflinching belief that you’d throw yourself between them and the train or the rabid dog, drape your body over them as the tornado touches down, over the grenade as it detonates.  We visualize these scenes and marvel at our selfless love.  I’d reflexively sacrifice my life for them.

What I marvel at now?  How much harder it is to sacrifice my ego.  Even for one day.  If I died, I wouldn’t have to witness the aftermath.  Living, I have to watch the steady impact of how ill-prepared I feel for navigating the four of us through this alternative universe of modern family-ism.

Before J and I married, we had a secret exchange.  Facing each other on his twin bed, I learned about his bisexuality, and he learned about my painfully colorful past. We offered each other absolution and acceptance.  I fell in love with his jawline and his way of sitting quietly next to me whenever I cried or screamed.  We plowed ahead for 13 sweet years, helping each other heal and deprogram the shame we’d been fed a steady diet of since birth. We started to outgrow the construct of our marriage when we had our daughter, and when we had our son two years later, we combusted. I never recovered my desire to be intimate with him after my first pregnancy.  I blamed hormones, stress, my history of detaching emotionally, anything I could find to avoid seeing what was slowly changing right in front of me.  His lifelong fight to live comfortably in our hetero world and inflate the slight side of himself that was attracted to women was diminishing.

j&cAt bedtime, we tell our children, “We love you no matter what.”  He sat in duplicity night after night – saying it to our daughter and son, but incapable of saying it to himself.  While he silently swallowed back his knowing and his fear, I started having feelings for another man, rendering my explanations for my lack of libido moot. Then there was the night.  I walked into the house, took his hand, led him away from the roasted chicken sitting on the table and into our bedroom.  I spilled my guts.  48 hours of crying and talking and yelling and silence later, he came out.

I can’t begin to fathom J’s pain, and it’s not mine to share.  My grief was rage.  My tears were sweat.  Buckets of it, spilled on weights at the gym, on the streets of our neighborhood as I ran in the dark watching the houses wake up, on one tiny square of kitchen floor tile as I danced late at night like a rave maniac raising blisters on the soles of my feet.  Music blared into my ears, as loud as I could get it.  I exponentially worsened the hearing damage inflicted in college when Gibby Haynes came onstage firing blanks from a shotgun.  I was trying to move my body away from this new reality and drown out the sound of breaking.

Regarding perspectives, I’m Team Frankl: they’re chosen, and I prefer mine fresh.  My ego begged me to make J’s sexuality personal.  “See?  You knew this risk all along.  You signed up to get duped.  You’re not woman enough to sustain him.”  But it’s not about me.  It’s not about him.  It’s about freedom.  The freedom to choose: live a facade, or acknowledge that something big grew from within us and had to break our construct into a million pieces if any of us were to evolve.  How strong is the father of my children?  He’s more masculine than many straight men I know, because he had the balls to reveal his true identity to himself, his religion, his family, and in what now feels like a gift, to me.  And I got to receive the gift first.

It’s fitting.  Our friendship became lust at Six Flags Over Texas.  Our split went down roller-coaster style, as we held hands and eye contact, and stepped out over the abyss.  We’re slowly guiding two gorgeous little people through what it’s like to live with parents who sometimes have no clue who we are.  We narrate as we go, answering their 3 and 5-year-old questions with the constant underscore, “Your parents respect and love each other, and give each other freedom.”  We’re fearfully and proudly living as a modern family:  divorced part-time housemates/besties/co-parents rotating through the home where our kids live full time and an apartment where we individually live part-time.  You’d just have to see it to understand it, but it’s beautiful and it works.  We surround ourselves with people who support us.  And love those who don’t, but politely remind them where our door is located should they need it.

If we’d give up our lives for our kids, can we give up our egos and our grand plans and our “situations”?  Because what are those things anyway?  Especially when they’re situated comparatively next to evolution, freedom and love?  Give me huge servings of the latter.

Raising Multilingual Children :: Wednesday Wisdom

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Tips to raising multi-lingual children

Claudia and her family.

Meet Claudia Kramer Santamaria.  She is a lifelong educator who has worked as a teacher, elementary principal and currently, the Supervisor of Parent Programs for Austin Independent School District.  We asked Claudia to share about  her experience of immigrating to the United States from Uruguay as a child. We also wanted to learn about the powerful decision she and her husband made to raise their children in a multilingual and multicultural environment.  Claudia has loads of wisdom to share and we are so grateful to feature her on Baby Proofed Parents today. ¡Bienvenido Claudia!

BPP: You are a fully bilingual adult with no audible accent, so people might not realize that you were born in the South American country of Uruguay. How old were you when you moved to the states? Was it challenging acclimating to the American culture as a Spanish-speaking child?

CKS: I was 5 years old when I came to the United States from Uruguay.  I had learned my basics in Kindergarten, in Uruguay, so English is definitely my second language.  I grew up in a very multicultural and multilingual area of Queens, NY and although I lived with people who spoke many different languages, the schools that I attended were English-only.  I remember coming home crying with massive headaches as a 1st grader, unable to understand or speak the language spoken all around me.  It’s still painful to think back to that time of my life; I cried everyday to my mom – begging her to not send me to that place (school). When I moved from Queens to Houston at the age of 13, it was like moving back in time. This time it wasn’t a language barrier but one of cultural identity – I was an outcast in both the “white world” and the “Mexican world” because I didn’t neatly fit in either category. I  found that experience to be equally heart breaking.

BPP: Can you share about the decision that you and your American-born husband, Benjamin, made to raise your children with Spanish as their first language while living in Austin?

CKS: As a result of my struggles to find my identify in the American and Texan worlds, my immigrant identity became stronger!  I held on to the culture, language, music and food of Uruguay.  I have my parents to thank for this. We only spoke Spanish at home, watched Spanish TV channels and interacted with Latino family friends.  My husband, Benjamin, had lived in Ecuador for two years and had an understanding of the Latino life and language. That was an important characteristic that I looked for in a future husband. When we married and talked about children, I shared the need to make sure that our children rooted themselves in the language and culture of both parents.  Benjamin understood that they would gain the English culture and traditions just by living here – so he agreed to help me establish the Latino culture in our children.

BPP: How did you introduce your children to English when Spanish was the predominantly spoken language at home? How have they benefited from being bilingual?

CKS: Not much effort was needed to introduce our children to English – they are surrounded by the language. They were exposed to English by their friends, TV, movies, music, and of course school.
The benefits of being bilingual include being able to experience two worlds of language, culture, music, and traditions. We travel to Uruguay frequently so they may continue their relationship with their Spanish-speaking family.  They are able to have an authentic relationship with my father who lives in Uruguay and speaks only Spanish. They can read stories in two languages. In fact, we have introduced Mandarin to both children through an after school program.

BPP: When your young children began interacting with other kids and adults, out and about in Austin, did they struggle with a language barrier? Have they encountered any speech, comprehension or reading difficulties due to being bilingual?

CKS: At first, when we were out, they would look to us for help or explanation. I think other people were struggling to understand why Ben and I were doing this to our children! As kids, they never struggled – they would look to us to translate and then tell us what they wanted to say or experiment creatively with the language.
My daughter, Sophia is now above her grade level in reading and writing in both English and Spanish. She is only eight years old, but can read Harry Potter in both languages. She also speaks beginning Mandarin beautifully. Fernando is even more advanced in all three languages!

BPP: Your children now attend a dual-language school where they learn in both Spanish and English.  Can you share about how their school is unique and how they incorporate the two languages?

CKS: Sophia has 50% of her instruction in English and 50% of her instruction in Spanish.  Our school district uses the Gómez and Gómez Dual Language Enrichment Model. You can read more about this system and its protocols at this link.  Unfortunately my daughter’s art, music and PE classes are all in English, since the teachers speak English only.  Ideally we would love her social interactions to be in both… but they are predominantly in English.  She has a “bilingual pair” whom she works closely with throughout the day – one child is a native Spanish speaker and one child is a native English speaker.  The goal of the dual language program is that by the end of 5th grade, children will be bi-literate and bi-cultural.

BPP: As you raise your two children in America, do you notice any cultural differences between South American and American child-upbringing practices? Do you incorporate any traditions or practices into the upbringing of your own children?

CKS:  We are lucky as a family to stay very connected to Uruguay by traveling there every few years and staying there a minimum of two to three weeks.  Hence, we are constantly learning more about South American traditions, food options, music, and books.  These experiences help us to hold onto the South American culture and language.
We have the tooth fairy AND the ‘ratoncitos’ (little mice that come to get your tooth at night).
We celebrate Christmas AND ‘El Día de los Reyes’ (The Day of the Three Kings.) We also celebrate Chanukah for that matter!
We sing songs and rhymes from Uruguayan children’s books and CD’s.  And of course, we read to them from Mother Goose!

BPP:  For English-speaking parents who do not speak a second language, how and when do you recommend that they introduce their children to another language? What do you think are the advantages to exposing young children to multiple languages?

CKS:  I have studied and applied Bilingual Education practices for over 20 years and I can honestly recommend that sooner is better to introduce a child to a second or even a third language. The earlier, the better.  There are a number of reputable Spanish/French/Mandarin Immersion day cares in Austin (and most other cities) that parents can research.  In addition, our school district here in Austin now has twelve dual-language schools that teach children in the Gómez model from Kinder – 5th grade.

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BPP: You have been, and continue to be, a life-long and influential educator. Have you found that your experience and expertise as an educator has impacted how you parent and raise your children?

CKS:  My educator experiences have incredibly influenced my parenting, especially in this area of language acquisition. With my first born, I felt I was doing some sort of ‘experiment’ to see if in fact a Spanish-only environment would help or hinder my daughter’s English language acquisition… but what I learned as a teacher and a principal held water.  The ‘power language’ – the language in the greater environment, outside of the home – will always prevail.  That is why parents must be strategic and focused on applying experiences for the children in the 2nd and 3rd languages that you want the child to learn.  We are constantly thinking about how to have a Chinese influence in Sophia’s life since her only exposure is twice a week at the Chinese school.  We are actually going to China for 14 days this summer so that she can attend a Chinese school.  The commitment to the languages we want our kids to learn must be REAL.

BPP:  If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to an expectant or new parent, what would it be?

CKS:  Pick a language other than English that you want your child to learn.  Begin your research NOW on how to expose him/her to that language.  And let the fun begin!

Thanks for sharing your inspiring story and expertise with us Claudia! You are a true example of someone who lives and parents according to their values and traditions. – C & K ♥

The Hardest Job :: Monday Musing

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Parenting is the hardest job you’ll EVER have.  I repeatedly heard folks say this before I had my first child but I had no earthly idea what they meant.  “I think I’ll take up scrap booking while I’m home with baby… you know, something to fill up my time,” I casually mentioned to one of my co-workers toward the end of my first pregnancy.  She chuckled, slowly swiveling her chair back toward her computer monitor, unable to dignify my statement with a response.

Challenges of parenthood discussed

Later, I discovered that I would have NO time for scrap booking and that parenting truly IS the hardest job.  It’s also the most rewarding and the most courageous job. But let’s just be honest, it is DAMN hard.  And to illustrate this point, I’d love you to participate in a visualization with me.  I would ask you to close your eyes… but then you couldn’t read… so just work with me for a few minutes.

Imagine THIS:

You and your spouse/partner get the news that each of you just landed your dream job.  Better yet, both of you will get to work for the same company, in the same office, on the same start date.  How fun is that?  The only catch is that you don’t report to work for nine months.  And during those nine months, you will have very limited and sporadic job training.  Just a few hours here and there, in which someone will share with you what your job might be like, but they really can’t tell you for sure.

Your excitement and anticipation grow as the months tick by, but while you wait, you are plagued by some (or all) of the following: excessive weight gain, heartburn, constipation, insomnia and occasional nausea.  What a splendid way to start my job, you groan, while hanging out in your new favorite spot, the restroom.

As the nine-month mark approaches, it’s go-time.  You get the news that it’s time for you and your partner to report to work.  How cool!  But WAIT.  Before doing so, you will need to go through the most physically and psychologically exhausting ordeal that you have ever experienced.  The same goes for your partner, who will emotionally and vicariously stand by your side through this process.  Your excitement is through the roof any way, because hey, you’re starting your dream job, right?

You are officially in your new position now and you are overjoyed.  For the first couple days, a few sweet, well-meaning individuals pop into your cubicle from time to time, and give gentle suggestions.  But for the most part, you and your partner have to figure out the new protocols and procedures on your own.  You quickly realize that you will not get to leave your workplace to rest at night.  Even coffee and lunch breaks are obsolete.  Every time you do get some sleep, you will randomly be jolted awake.  In the meantime, your body is still recovering from everything it went through a few days ago, and your hormones are raging.  Add this to the sleep deprivation, and you alternate between beaming with pleasure and sobbing uncontrollably.  You begin to wonder if you’re developing multiple personalities.  You’re trying to figure out if your partner is an angel sent from heaven or a demon trying to confuse and frustrate you further.

For the first few days, the new system you are working on is fairly quiet and peaceful, but after a week or so, it suddenly wakes up and there is no rhyme or reason to how it is functioning.  You reach out to others, who have worked with this “hardware” before, and they give you vague pointers, but it seems like your system is different from everyone else’s.  Not to mention, noisy!  Never fear though – as the weeks stream by, you and your partner begin to figure out your job duties.  You even give each other fist bumps for rocking your new positions.  And yet, every time you say, “We got this thing!” – everything changes – and you have to figure out the new protocols all over again.

Despite the hardships and bewilderment, you and your partner are still in an odd state of satisfaction, so you stay with the company for 18 years, knowing that every few months, your job requirements will completely change, with no additional training, and you will be challenged in ways you never knew.  But you know that it will all pay off in the end – and you experience daily (or weekly) glimpses of the purest pleasure you’ve ever known.

THAT is why parenting is the hardest job.  There’s no training, there’s no user manual, there’s no report card or annual review to let you know you are doing OK.  There are physical and emotional strains on both you and your partner.  And your child and parenting situation are uniquely challenging and amazing all at once.  But if you ask any parent if they would take on this job again, their answer is always YES.  In fact, quite frequently, one to two years after accepting the first job, parents sign up to do it all over again. Wha???

Cheryl and I have both reported to the workplace of babyhood, and we know it can be a doozy.  Try to think of Baby Proofed Parents as that nosy, but super sweet & helpful co-worker who wants to give you tons of advice (and a touch of juicy gossip) while you’re adjusting to your new position. We may not provide on-the-job training, but we definitely offer on-the-job encouragement and a much-needed fist bump here and there.  You will ROCK the job of parenthood, we just know that you will.

Here’s to sanity and cubicles,

Kirsten

Parenting challenges discussion

 

How Infertility Prepared Me for Parenthood :: Monday Musing

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It took me a long time to get pregnant. Approximately four years, from the time I first thought, Hmmm. I might be ready for a baby, to the morning I saw those two pink lines miraculously show up on the pregnancy test.

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It was a journey that began gradually and naively for my husband and me; I simply tossed the rectangular box of tiny white pills in the trash one day and confidently waited for my body to do its thing. As the months and years passed, and no pregnancy appeared, my yearning grew stronger. I consulted with acupuncturists, fertility specialists and the most vociferous expert of all, The Internet.  In the end, I can’t really tell you the exact combination of diet changes and fertility magic that caused us to conceive a child. What I can say is that those four years of infertility prepared me for the Adventure of Parenthood in six very specific ways:

1. The best laid plans…
When my husband and I first gave ourselves the green light to get pregnant it was because the “timing was right”. We lived in a great neighborhood, we were established in our careers and we had individually attended enough Margarita Parties to satisfy a lifetime quota of tequila. My hubby was quite a bit older than me, and we were both ready to settle down and do the family thing. We had no idea that this “thing” would take four years and that it didn’t matter how “ready” we were. Our bodies would cooperate in their own time.

Parenting App: How many times do parents plan out the perfect day, only to be foiled by a runny nose, sore throat or volcanic tantrum? When you’re a parent, it is wise to mark the calendar, make the plans, but be prepared to break them and go with the flow at a moment’s notice.

2. You’re surrounded.
Have you ever purchased a new car and suddenly you start noticing the same make and model everywhere you go? That is what it is like when you are trying to get pregnant. There are friggin’ babies everywhere. Women pregnant with babies. Men holding babies. Parents loving on their babies (with little angels and birdies surrounding them). It feels like the entire universe is sticking out its tongue and taunting, “Nah, nah, nah, nah… you aren’t pregnant.” Even your co-worker’s cousin’s wife is expecting… and you aren’t. I gradually learned to tune out the baby-white-noise, and reassure myself that it would happen in its own time. After all, I reminded myself, I am defined by much more than my desire to conceive.

Parenting App: After you have a little one, you will continue to find yourself surrounded by other parents and their cherubic babes. Resist the urge to make comparisons (i.e. whether your baby is snoozing, walking or talking at the same rate as the others). Every child’s journey is unique and the comparisons are fruitless. They all tend to catch up to each other in the end.

3. Everyone is an expert.
Most of the people who knew I was trying to get pregnant had well-intentioned words of wisdom to share. They had heard of a specialist who could help. They knew something I should cut out from my diet. They had struggled with infertility themselves and they just felt sure it was going to happen for me. I regretted telling so many people that we were trying. Can’t we just go back to discussing my awesome new wedges or the great movie we saw last weekend? I had to learn to take their advice gracefully and then remind myself that my body is unique and I know it better than anyone else.

Parenting App: If you think everyone has opinions about fertility, just wait until you have a baby. Have child in arms, and everyone loves to give their child-rearing advice. As Cheryl advises in Pimp My Self Care, absorb the pointers that feel like a fit and then custom design your own parenting protocols.

4. It’s never going to happen.
During the four years that my husband and I were trying, I swear that I funded an entire pregnancy test industry. I bought them in bulk and I grew to despise them. Peeing on a stick was unpleasant enough, but seeing that I was not pregnant, yet again, was devastating. I felt all hope and belief that I was going to be a mother slipping away.  Looking back, I now recognize that the creeping pessimism was unfounded. There was so much more that my husband and I could have done to have a child: fertility treatments, surrogacy, adoption. Yes, I would have grieved if I couldn’t conceive naturally, but the options were endless if I truly wanted to be a parent.

Parenting App: When you are raising babies, the word “never” will sneak in frequently: I’ll never get a full night’s sleep again. He’ll never go a day without an accident. We’ll never get through a week without vomit or snot or pee. Those ‘nevers’ can feel daunting. I promise you that the nevers transition into sometimes and then into always. Keep your eye on the prize – it’s right around the corner.

5. Chill out.
OK, I have to skip back to #3 on this one. One of the most popular bits of advice I received when I was trying to conceive was, “Just relax. You’ll get pregnant when you aren’t worrying about it.”  I hate to admit it (and I HATED this advice) but they were right. When I began enjoying my life again… dancing, frolicking, partying like it’s 1999, it happened. I saw those two lines on that little test and could hardly believe my eyes. Yes, I had taken other measures: cut out sugar and dairy, started natural progesterone cream, endured a diagnostic procedure that painfully blasted blue ink through my fallopian tubes. But I feel sure that chilling out a little and tuning into other segments of my life helped my body to ease into motherhood.

Parenting App: It is natural to feel uptight and want to do everything just right when you are a parent. When you loosen your grip and recognize that your children benefit from variety and imperfections, both you and your kids will enjoy life a little more.

6. Love, love, love…
I’m channeling the Beatles here. But I couldn’t have said it any better myself. At the end of any infertility journey is a leap from a high-dive platform into pure, unadulterated love. I have friends who have had unexpected pregnancies, friends who have undergone extensive fertility treatments, and friends who have ultimately adopted. And when we gather together with our kids, there is no sliver of a difference in the love that each of us feel for our children.

Worth the four year wait.

Worth the four year wait.

If your desire to become a parent is strong enough, you will find a way to make it happen. And when you do, you will feel the most unrelinquishing love (and sometimes unrelinquishing fatigue and frustration) that you have ever experienced in your life. Everyone’s path to parenthood is unique but in the end, you get to hold a beautiful child, and the journey that brought you to that place will make the most perfect sense.

Here’s to Margarita Parties and Love,

Kirsten

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