Tips - Part 2

3 Ways to Get Calm and Fight Fair :: Tuesday Tip

November 18, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Fiery conflict with your partner can easily reduce you to your worst self. This makes no sense and complete sense. You love this person, so why do you hate/fear/distrust them sometimes? Because you love this person. You’ve likely risked everything, and they’ve seen you naked, in every sense of the word. If you’re expecting, the risks can feel exponentially more intense. You are at your most vulnerable, and unfortunately at times, at your most savagely self-protective. This is the best time to use your fire escape plan, creating physical distance between you and your partner, so you both can calm down and hopefully reengage from a rational place to resolve your issues.

But once you have the space, how exactly do you calm down? Here are three ways to get your perspective back in a hurry:

1. Create a list of at least three memories about your partner that make you feel safe and connected. It’s best to do this when you’re NOT in conflict, so you can pull it up mentally during rocky moments. Maybe it was a special date, or the way she was there for you when things were rough at work, or the way he locked eyes with you during your first ultrasound. Update and add new positive moments to your list as they occur.

2. Separate the past from the present. Is something about this fight familiar? Did the issue remind you of a past relationship in which you were hurt, or something from your childhood? Maybe you felt your partner was ignoring your needs, and it reminded you of feeling neglected when you were little. Pull back to the present, and consider the possibility that your partner was NOT ignoring you, but was distracted and flooded with his own defensiveness and emotions. Avoid holding your partner accountable for things she hasn’t actually done.

3. Remind yourself of your own strength and resourcefulness. Doing so can keep you grounded during conflict, instead of being completely swept away by emotion and incapable of logical discussion (to solve anything, you have to have both feelings and practicality in tact). It helps to have a mental image or memory that encapsulates your strength. My go-to strength memory is the birth of my second child. I knew mentally and physically what to expect, and felt present from the first contraction to the final push. When I feel scared or out of control, I pull that memory up and think, “I did that, so I can do this.”

My favorite Ben Harper lyric: “When you have everything, you have everything to lose.” Worth a fiery fight sometimes, and worth the necessary work to convey passion and respect.

Here’s to Sanity and Savagery,

Cheryl

35 Sweet Parenting Side-Effects :: Tuesday Tip

November 4, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

If you’ve spent time on our website, you know that we frequently address the stressful aspects of parenthood. Why? Because parenting can be rough. Cheryl and I really want to be two supportive voices in your life that say, You’re normal to be struggling, we’ve got your back and we have ideas and resources to make things easier. As Brian the Birth Guy says, we see it as our mission to help you navigate “the dark corners” of pregnancy, childbirth and parenting and ultimately find your way to the light switch.

Despite the running theme of emotional distress, things aren’t always dark after introducing a child into your life… in fact a large portion of the time, they can be really bright. So Cheryl and I compiled a list of some of the sweeter side effects you’ll experience after transitioning into parenthood. We moms and dads can use all the fun reminders we can get on why we signed up for this challenging and glorious thing called parenting.

Here ya go – 35 unexpected and pretty cool side-effects:

Really strong biceps. The heavier the baby (or car seat) the stronger and sexier the arms.
You can count on rock solid calves as well. If you have a two-story house, you’ll be climbing up and down those stairs approximately 265 times a day.
For the next 18 years, you have a permanent and totally worthy excuse for a messy house. Use it.
You see a new side of your partner when he or she is doing laps around the kitchen with your fussy baby or sporting a new spit up stain… and you like it.
Holidays are magical again.
When you send out your holiday cards, you have something other than your pets to feature front and center.
You and your pillow develop a love affair. It feels so soft and luxurious, especially when you forcefully drop your head on it and pass out.
Don’t get too attached… sleeping your life away is offically a non-option.
You actually become really good at snoozing sitting up, which comes in handy on planes.
Speaking of planes, three cheers for early boarding with young children. (Milk this one as long as you can people. An 8 yr. old and 10 yr. old are still young, right??)
Unlimited hugs, any time you want them (and sometimes when you don’t).
You become a stealth ninja at hiding pureed or shredded veggies in anything edible.
Someone (a very small someone) finally thinks you are a good singer. Screw you, Simon Cowell!
You become infinitely more efficient with your time. Ninety minutes to mop the floors, do the laundry, shower and respond to e-mails… Go!
Fireworks and Christmas lights become so much more sparkly.
Halloween candy, anyone?
Your penmanship and letter-writing skills improve dramatically with all of the hand-written notes from Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny. Oh, and that pesky Elf.
You get to ride on merry-go-rounds again! And again… and again…
Coffee tastes more incredible than ever. Amazing. A true elixir of the gods.
Sesame Street is back on the DVR. You know you always had a thing for Bert.
You get to talk in 3rd person, Gollum-style (Mommy loves you, my precious) and are tempted to talk the same way when you’re out with your girlfriends. (Kirsten is so excited to be out of the house! Yes, Kirsten would love a vodka grapefruit martini. Mmmm, Kirsten likes. Kirsten wants more, my precious.)
Speaking of getting out of the house, when you do get out, you feel like you’re channeling Captain Kirk and “boldly going where no man has gone before”. Everything, even the steering wheel of your car, feels fresh and new and different.
One of the places you get out to is your new favorite happy hour spot, Target.
After hours and hours and hours of bedtime story reading, you become quite the orator and public speaker.
You learn the correct technical names of all dinosaurs, tractors and exotic animals… because your child’s picture books are relentless and annoyingly accurate.
You become a master-stain remover. Spit up, squash and snot have nothing on you.
Dance parties in the kitchen… anytime you want one.
Small victories make your day: he slept through the night, she peed in the potty, you didn’t crumple up into a whimpering heap. Go you!
You can always count on finding a snack, a baby wipe and a toy in your purse. All very handy when out on a GNO.
On the subject of GNO’s, a whole new world of potential friends (who are also dying to get out) opens up. Playgroup parents, preschool parents, PTA parents, you get the picture…
You finally have someone to teach you how to use your iPad. (C’mon. You know your three-year-old navigates it better than you do.)
White noise makers and baby monitors become a new permanent fixture in your home. Once you get used to them, you kinda like living in a wind tunnel that you can hear at all times.
You now have a stroller to sneak snacks and beverages into music festivals.
Tons of smiles and laughs. Way more than you ever got when you sat in a cubicle.
It may grow gradually or it might burst onto your scene, but you experience a love greater than anything you’ve ever felt before… and it feels really, really good.

So there you have it… and we know there are more. Feel free to share them in the comment section! We’d love to hear the sweet side-effects you’re experiencing on your parenting adventure.

Here’s to Strength and Gollum,

Kirsten

The Best and Worst Ways To Support Parents of Screamers :: Tuesday Tip

October 21, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

We all mean well. Parents in the Wild (aka Target) tune into each other, and can keenly sense distress. The desire to help each other out is natural and good, but sometimes our ways of going about it miss the mark. Here are three ways I often received “support” that felt anything but supportive:

“Enjoy this; it will pass before you know it,” (usually accompanied by a longing expression). I knew these parents were wise, and the advice was actually good. But at the time, the psychotic impulse I resisted was planting my hysterical baby right in their hands, screaming, “Here! Take her!” and then running the hell away. Seeing the forest for the trees is a very important skill for a new parent, but suggesting he or she do so in the midst of a melt-down is poorly timed.
“She’s probably hungry.” Rage. Rage. Condescending imagined response, “OMG! I totally forgot to FEED my baby! Thank you for reminding me! I’ll get on that right away!” Again, just a suggestion from an innocent bystander, but for many moms, feeding their babies feels like all they ever, ever do, and if breastfeeding is a struggle and/or milk-production is low, it can really sting to hear that someone thinks their child is hungry. Or, maybe they had the tiniest window in which to run an errand, and they pushed it a little too far because it felt so amazing to be out of the house, and they already feel like guilty crap about it without the extra feedback.
Anything, ever said to a parent while pretending to use the “baby’s voice.” Picture a mom standing in a check out line, holding a screaming infant. Person Behind Mom, “speaking” for the baby, “Mama, I’m tired! Take me home, Mama! Mama, try to enjoy me now because soon I’ll be 18 and wrecking your car! Mama, I’m hunnngggrryyyy!” Perhaps this is intended to add a bit of cheer to the situation, but it often comes through as passive aggressive, and makes moms want to scream, “This is my baby! Not your puppet, Scary Ventriloquist Mystery Shopper!”

You can safely assume that most parents are doing everything they possibly can to keep their babies happy while simultaneously managing the rest of their lives. Why not help in an Advice/Analysis/Assessment-Free way? Here are three ways to offer impactful support:

Tangible. If you notice a parent is in the weeds, and you can see small, specific, non-intrusive ways to lighten their load, offer them up. “Your hands are full. Can I help you by putting your groceries on the counter?” Even if they refuse, most parents appreciate the gesture.
Encouraging. Sometimes offering up a positive statement about how hard the parent is working to manage everything can mean the world, “Parents like you inspire me – thank you for holding it together and hang in there!” Or, “You know how all of these people are staring at you with disdain because your child’s screams are hurting their ears? Screw em’!!!”
Respectful. Sometimes parents are just barely hanging on, and are in a zone. They just want to complete their errand and get themselves and their little screamers out the door. Times like this, no feedback, positive or negative feels helpful. Take moments like this as opportunities to silently affirm. You can send out a positive vibe, or if you’re a praying person, offer one up, while giving her physical space.

Good intentions are powerfully kind, and when they translate to meaningful, receivable support, they can also be powerfully impactful.

Here’s to Sanity and Ventriloquism,

Cheryl

Shooing Away Anxiety :: Tuesday Tip

October 7, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

The Internet is packed with articles teaching readers how to “tame the anxiety monster” or “slay the anxiety dragon”. I personally think of anxiety as an annoying honey bee that won’t leave you alone. It buzzes in your ear, it follows you around and just when you have something really sweet going on in your life, it wants to latch on to you. Bees come in swarms and so do worries. They tend to build on each other and multiply. Very rarely do honey bees actually sting. And very rarely do the things that you are feeling anxious about actually come to fruition. But just the threat of being stung is enough to make you feel edgy and nervous.

I see a lot of anxiety issues in my counseling practice. Expectant moms (and dads!) often worry about whether the pregnancy and birth will go smoothly, and then whether they will be a good parent. Here’s what I explain: When you are expecting or caring for a baby, it is somewhat natural to notice an increase in anxiety. Think about it… you and your partner are creating, and then raising, a little person. That is a BIG responsibility and it is normal to feel a little nervous about it. In some ways the added anxiety is your brain’s way of gearing up for all of the responsibilities of being a parent. Your hormones are on high alert, your sleep is most likely disturbed, and your fight or flight response is in full effect. All possible threats and worse case scenarios seem like very real possibilities. Mama Bear is wide awake and ready to swat any bees that get too close to her cubs. The trick is to keep the anxiety in check and drown out the buzzing so that you can remain calm and focused on the many tasks ahead of you:

Here are five ways to shoo away that buzzing bee of anxiety:

1. Bring yourself back to the here and now: If you take note of what you are feeling anxious about, it is usually in connection to events that haven’t occurred yet. Your imagination is doing a number on you by creating multiple “what if” scenarios. By bringing your focus back to what is happening in the present moment, you can often quiet the nervous chatter. One way to do this is by practicing mindfulness, a simple technique that helps you slow your breathing, take in all sensory data, notice your thoughts without judgement and then bring your attention back to the present. Want more info on mindfulness? Go to this link: helpguide.org.

2. Focus on what you can control: Most of us spend a lot of time fretting over things that are out of our control. It’s exhausting, because we literally can’t do anything about these situations. Letting go of the things you are powerless over and making a list of the things you are doing well or purposefully (which is typically a heck of a lot!) can help you to feel more empowered and less vulnerable.

3. Feel prepared: Information is power. I recommend that you go to the childbirth classes, read the parenting books, and soak in all of the info. The more prepared you feel, the more equipped you will be to deal with whatever comes your way. There’s one caveat: avoid the sections of the books or websites in which they list everything that can possibly go wrong. As I mentioned in the first tip, it is better to focus on what is happening now than to worry about what could be.

4. Take note of what works for you: There are times when individuals feel generalized anxiety, that they just can’t pin on any one thing. That is when self-care activities are especially handy. Not every technique works for every person. Experiment and find out what has the most soothing effect on you. Some options are:

deep breathing
exercise (walking or yoga are favorites)
writing
warm baths
massage
talking to a friend
laughing
prayer or meditation
practicing mindfulness
listening to a guided relaxation recording (I included a favorite below.)
natural anxiety-reducing supplements (which you should always clear with your health care provider)
and in some cases, good ol’ distraction

5. Know when to seek help: Extreme anxiety is nothing to laugh at. Sometimes it can grow to the point where you are having a hard time eating, sleeping or just plain functioning. You might even be having destructive or suicidal thoughts. Any of these conditions indicate that it is time to reach out for extra help and assistance. Talk to your doctor or find a qualified therapist who can help you to sort through your anxiety and determine the best course of action. You do not have to cope on your own!

Here’s the cool thing about being a parent. More often than not, you only face a few challenges at a time. First pregnancy, then the birth, then breastfeeding, then sleep. Somewhere down the line you deal with toddler tantrums. Later on, you have a defiant teenager. You get the picture, the challenges come slowly and gradually. Unlike a beekeeper who has to maintain her zen as she walks into a swarm of bees, a parent only has to deal with a few challenges or obstacles at a time. So shoo that anxiety bee away and tell it go make some honey. You have some parenting and self-care to attend to.

Here’s to Sanity and Beekeeping,

Kirsten

As promised, here is a link to the guided relaxation CD that I listened to approximately one million times when I was pregnant, and then maybe a couple more times when I was a new parent. It is so soothing and lovely, it practically put me to sleep every time. Side 1 is for expectant mamas who want to prepare for childbirth. Side 2 is for new parents who need some relaxation. Enjoy!

3 Ways to Get Your Post-Natal Snap Back :: Tuesday Tip

September 23, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

About 6 months into my daughter’s life, I still felt tired, fried and puffy-eyed, while she thrived, rosy-cheeked, done with colic and ready to explore. She was sleeping through the night, and most nights I was too. We had breast feeding down, most of my anxiety had subsided and I had returned to work part-time. Our little routine seemed iron-clad. So why did I still feel so crappy?

Once a week, my next-door-neighbor and I would hang out between our houses to share a brew after our babies were down for the night. Her youngest was 2, and she seemed to have it so together. I asked her when she got her snap back, and she laughed, responding, “Ummm, ‘snap’? I STILL don’t have it back!” This helped me more than she knew. She had normalized how long it seemed to be taking me to feel like myself again.

You WILL get yourself back, but it’s a gradual process. It’s like coming out of a depression. You don’t just wake up one morning and think, “Phew – glad that’s over! I’m so HAPPY now!” Recovery is a slow reclamation of small joys. You catch yourself singing along to the radio, savoring the smell from the taco truck of onions cooking, catching your image in the mirror and thinking, “Damn, girl!” Bit by bit, snap returns. As your little one begins to develop a sense of herself, you also REgain a sense of yourself.

Here are three practical ways to speed up the process:

Schedule a Girl’s Night Out. Choose a new restaurant or bar you’ve wanted to try, and get dressed UP. Go out, laugh, relax, and talk about non-parenting things. Be a woman and friend instead of a partner and mommy. A few hours of time with girlfriends, even if only once a month can make a huge difference. Dads/Parenting Partners – do this for yourselves too! You need time away to regroup and remind you of life beyond your baby.
Schedule a pampering treatment. Get a massage, pedicure or facial – something that relaxes you and helps you feel pretty. Treat yourself to a new outfit that fits and looks gorgeous NOW. There’s a road of fit between maternity and pre-pregnancy clothes. Don’t deprive yourself of new things while your body readjusts post-baby, especially if you’re planning on having more.
Take note of even the tiniest physical and emotional improvements you feel. Did you get a full night’s sleep, without waking up to check on your sleeping baby? Did you feel the energy to walk a little further with the stroller? Did you double over laughing at a story a friend shared with you? Did you find yourself in the mood for sex with your partner? Good job, Mama. Mark it.

Looking back, the first noticeable reemergence of “me” occurred around my babies reaching 4 months of age. My kids are now 3 and 5, and I still find myself recovering layers of strength and energy. Hang in there. The road back to yourself can take time, but it’s a beautiful one.

Here’s to Sanity and GNO,

Cheryl

4 Ways to Write Your Worries :: Tuesday Tip

September 9, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

Ever feel like you have so many things on your mind, your head is about to explode? I call them Linda Blair moments. I had one last week. I was standing in the middle of my kitchen and felt like my head was spinning out of control, Exorcist-style. I couldn’t figure out what to do first: fold laundry, respond to e-mail, make dinner, schedule a doctor’s appointment, and the list went on … When my head stopped spinning long enough to take action, I grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled out a massive ‘To Do’ list. Everything and anything that was on my mind went down on that paper. I immediately felt a release of tension and a weight lifted off my shoulders. The number of to-do’s hadn’t changed; I just didn’t have to think about them non-stop. They were residing on that piece of paper, not going anywhere and I could tackle them one at a time.

According to neuroscientists, humans think anywhere from 12,000 to 50,000 thoughts per day. I’d be willing to bet that parents think even more. The researchers also claim that up to 98 percent of our daily thoughts are the same ones we had the day before! It’s like having the most annoying CD you can think of, on repeat, in your car stereo, on a 12 hour road trip. No fun. Grabbing a notebook, or a laptop, and downloading your thoughts can help you to clear your head space and move forward with your day. Here’s four ideas for putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and ending the never-ending loop of misery:

Write Your To-Do List: As I described earlier, I’m a big list maker. When I take the time to write out everything I want to accomplish, it helps me to organize my week. It also helps me to focus on one task as a time instead of fretting about all 30 items on my list. My favorite part? Taking a highlighter and crossing completed items off the list. Even the smallest tasks (ie. cleaning out my son’s sock drawer) can feel like a major accomplishment.

Write Your Thoughts: When I bring up journaling with my clients who are struggling with anxiety or depression, most of them say, “Oh, I’ve tried that and I couldn’t stick with it.” That’s when I encourage them to try again. I explain that I’m not asking them to pen an Ann-Frank-style diary that is gorgeously written and going to be published later. We’re talking about pulling out a notebook, a scrap of paper, or a computer and just letting it all out, free-association-style. If you’re worried about something, write. If you’re so excited that you can’t go to sleep, write. Getting the thoughts out of your brain and onto paper will help you to release the tension and might even help you to gain perspective. Journaling is also a healthy and low-cost alternative to addictive behaviors and toxic distractions. You don’t have to write every day… just write when your brain tells you that you need to. And then save it, rip it up, read it to a friend or burn it. Whatever feels right to you.

Write Your Trauma: Just down from the street from us, at UT Austin, Dr. James Pennebaker has been conducting research for years on the positive impacts of journaling, especially for individuals suffering from PTSD. His program, Writing to Heal, is based on the premise that journaling can be even more effective than counseling in many cases. (Bad news for my profession but great news for anyone who has experienced trauma.) If you were an abused child, a soldier in the trenches, or a mother who has endured a difficult birth or a colicky baby, you might find that writing about your experience will help you to process it, purge it and move forward. Want more info? Click here for a great article about Dr. Pennebaker and his Writing to Heal suggestions. (Quick caveat: If your gut tells you that writing about a past trauma might bring up heavy emotions or flashbacks, I encourage you to schedule with an experienced therapist before diving into your memories.)

Write Your Gratitudes: At times, we have so many negative thoughts occupying our brains, it can be hard to squeeze in the positive. Getting in the habit of writing (or typing) a list of things you are thankful for can help you to find your footing and even change your perspective. Almost always, when we start listing them, our gratitudes outweigh our complaints and concerns. Inserting little positive reminders into our thought patterns can help us to feel less burdened by the negative.

Cheryl and I both love to write. Cheryl carries beautifully bound notebooks with her at all times, filled with pages of deep thoughts, doodles and lists. I’m more of a “pull a piece of paper out of the recycling bin and find a crayon” kind of gal. It doesn’t matter how you do it, just do it. You’ll find that writing is one of the most beneficial self-care activities you can indulge in. It’s free, it’s portable and it’s therapeutic. You can’t get much better than that.

Here’s to sanity and Linda Blair,

Kirsten

Unmet Expectations – 3 Ways to Cope with Parenting Disappointments :: Tuesday Tip

August 26, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

A lot of moms and partners experience some sort of let down during pregnancy, birth and the first few months with their newborns. Maybe you hoped to have a girl, and felt a twinge when you got the ultrasound results. Maybe breastfeeding was insanely difficult, and you had to switch to formula sooner than you’d planned. Maybe you went in ready for a vaginal delivery, and ended up having a c-section. Maybe you thought your newborn would be a sleeping angel, but he turned out to be a very active night owl. Even the most flexible people have at least a vague idea of how they’d like things to go, and when those hopes and expectations aren’t met, it’s very normal to feel at least a little sad and/or angry. Although we’re usually pretty good at normalizing other people’s struggles, many of us experience guilt when it’s our turn to face our own version of disappointment.

Disappointment, when it’s left bottled up, can make you more susceptible to depression and/or anxiety, so it’s very important to acknowledge it. A common reframe we use in Therapy World is this: “What would you say to a friend who was experiencing the same thing?” Almost always, the answer is some version of this: “I’d tell them I’m sorry it happened that way. I’d hug them and tell them it’s okay to be sad.” I never hear, “What’s wrong with you? Get a grip! What do you have to be upset about?” It feels terrible to even write words like that – I can’t imagine saying them to someone. Yet, somehow, it’s very easy to say to myself when I’m going through difficult emotions.

Here are some strategies for airing out the inevitable changes in your best laid plans, for any stage of parenting:

Prepare as much as you can mentally for the reality that not everything will go according to plan. Try to “hold on loosely” to your visions of pregnancy, birth and the postpartum months.
Let it flow. If you notice anger or sadness welling up over unmet expectations, allow yourself a good cry, an intense journal entry, or a venting session with a trusted friend or therapist.
Once you’ve allowed yourself to feel your feelings, use gentle methods to redirect yourself and assimilate the change. Instead of saying, “Snap out of it!”, try reflecting on something positive. My midwife used to remind me that “chaos creates new flow,” and I still grab for that phrase when I’m going through a change in plans.

Here’s To Sanity and Flow,

Cheryl

Speak My Language :: Tuesday Tip

August 12, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

“I feel taken for granted, unappreciated.”

“I don’t feel close to my partner any more.”

“It seems like we’re bickering roommates… there’s no affection.”

These are some of the more common complaints that I hear from couples during their first counseling session. They’re not feeling the love and they’re looking for tools to bridge the gap. My usual response? “You guys are normal. Staying close and lovey-dovey as a couple is challenging, especially after introducing kids into the picture. Let’s dive in and talk about ideas for reconnecting.”

Invariably, our discussion leads us to the classic relationship guide, The Five Love Languages. As Dr. Gary Chapman explains in his decades-old book, most individuals have specific preferences when it comes to expressing and receiving love and affection. These preferences fall into five separate categories:

Words of Affirmation – Examples: Compliments, praise, acknowledgement, sweet messages written in a card or on a sticky note, nomination for “Parent of the Year” Award.

Acts of Service – Examples: Chores, home repairs, errands, shaving the hair on your partner’s back, anything on the To-Do List.

Receiving Gifts – Examples: As simple as a flower handpicked from the garden or as luxurious as a new BMW sitting in the driveway. (The latter being a tad over the top, but hey, it doesn’t hurt to plant a seed!)

Quality Time – Examples: Watching a favorite TV show together, chatting over coffee, going out on a date, talking on the phone, spending the day together running errands or wandering aimlessly at IKEA.

Physical Touch – Examples: Hugs & kisses, back rubs, casual touches, cuddling, gettin’ busy.

If you know your preferred love languages and those of your partner, you can request and express affection and appreciation in a way that feels like a fit. The tricky thing? Often the way that your partner prefers to show love is not necessarily what makes you feel warm and fuzzy, and vice versa. At times, couples feel like they need a translator to understand each other’s behavior.

Mind if I give you some examples from my own relationship? (I apologize in advance for any TMI.) My husband grew up in a home with two working parents and a much older brother. He remembers feeling lonely and bored as a young child. As an adult, he feels the most loved and connected when he gets Quality Time or Physical Touch. If he wants to express affection, he will offer a hug, suggest we head to the bedroom or ask me to watch a movie with him on the couch.

I, on the other hand, grew up as an over-achieving first-born in a crowded, chaotic house. I have two little boys hanging all over me on most days. Instead of Quality Time or Touch, I yearn for Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. Tell me that I am a good mom or paint that bedroom wall I’ve been whining about and I am putty in your hands.

Here’s the rub: If I only make pots of coffee for my husband and never initiate a kiss or a date night, I’m not operating with his lingo. If he only squeezes my butt, but neglects to give me verbal or written compliments, he is not communicating in my dialect. The trick to truly connecting with our partner is offering them affection and appreciation in a way that feels the most impactful to them. All five of the love languages feel loving, but tuning in to each other’s preferences will help you to feel more connected than ever.

If you haven’t already, I encourage you to take The Love Language Quiz with your partner and discuss the results. (Select the PDF version if you are short for time.) If you want more on the subject, pick up the book – it’s a great read for couples who want to strengthen their relationship. And then make an effort to speak your partner’s language on a regular basis. Life will feel more loving when you are both on the same page.

Here’s to sanity and butt squeezes,

Kirsten

Yes Trespassing :: Tuesday Tip

July 29, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

The link between a mom and a newborn is remarkably intense. It can involve breastfeeding, bliss, struggle, depression, bonding, regret, anxiety, protectiveness, super-strength, exhaustion; and can overwhelm both parents. Psychologist Augustus Napier refers to it as the “charmed circle of mother and child,” and writes about how intimidating that circle can be, especially for fathers and parenting partners. Partners often experience feelings of inadequacy and isolation. They long to help, but feel intrinsically shut out of the many parts of initial bonding that are mama-centric.

My kids are lucky to have J for a dad for many reasons, but one of the biggest is that not much scares him. During my first pregnancy, he shared his conviction to stay close to me and our new baby, not allowing his own insecurities to get in the way of being as relevant and helpful as he could be. He said, “I’ll obviously never be The Mom. I don’t have those [pointed at my breasts], and there’s just no replacement for the bond you’ll have with the baby.” Before she even arrived, he started accepting that she and I would be the center of each other’s universes for some time.

Instead of J withdrawing, we both worked (and fought, and misfired, and tried again) to find ways for him to stay in the circle with us. Every partnership is different, but here’s what worked best for us:

“I can’t feed her yet, but I can feed you.” He made sure I had snacks and meals and kept my water glass full – especially when I felt too tired to prepare food for myself.

“You have to get up with her, so I will too.” During night feedings, he changed her diaper and expertly swaddled her while I got myself situated on the couch with my pillow and book.

“You focus on her, and I’ll hold down the fort.” He made grocery runs, helped keep the house picked up, did laundry, learned to set up and break down a pack-n-play with one hand behind his back, bathed her, held her for hours while she colic-cried, and snuggled with us during feedings.

Parts of the maternal bond are impenetrable, but as partners, you can swerve toward it, finding your own ways of being indispensable. Tell her you want to help, and ask her to give you specific, measurable ways you can support her and the baby. Be patient when she can’t identify what would help, and reach out for support if you both start feeling flooded. Moms, if you notice your partner withdrawing, try to identify ways he or she can connect with you. Being invited to the party feels really good, even if you’re not quite sure how you’ll fit in.

Here’s to Sanity and Circles,

Cheryl

Delicious Laundry :: Tuesday Tip

July 15, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

Hang out with other mom and dad bloggers on Twitter for a day and you’ll pick up on an amusing theme. A noticeable percentage of tweets have to do with the subject of… wait for it… laundry. Piles of laundry, loads of laundry, drowning in laundry. Even Cheryl and I have penned a few 140 character quotes about the subject. Super funny ones, I might add. Twitter is overflowing with great parenting links and hilarious toddler quotes. But I’m not kidding when I say that a sizable portion of groans revolve around the subject of washing clothes.

I get it. As my family has expanded, the amount of laundry has exploded. Washing, drying, and folding clothes has become a regular part of my daily schedule. IF I get to it. On the days I don’t get to it, my kids nickname the growing pile waiting to be folded, Mt. Underwear, and find it amusing to jump in the middle, coaxing the cat and dog to do the same – creating more dirty clothes to be washed. Lovely. I remind myself regularly that laundry is a First World Problem, but dang, if it isn’t a time consuming problem that eats up a ton of my day.

Which leads me to two other frequent Twitter subjects for parent bloggers: stress and exhaustion. Most moms and dads feel tired and overstretched – there are simply not enough hours in the day to get it all done. In a society that encourages individuals to have it all, do it all and yearn for more, we often feel saturated in clutter and an overly full calendar. Guilt and “should’s” cause us to hold on to activities and friendships that are more draining than energizing. We fill our lives, stomachs and day-timers with gunk that is not meaningful or balanced. The result? Our bodies and schedules get bloated by the extra weight we are carrying.

The anecdote for all of this busyness and stress is a concept that Cheryl and I refer to as the Delicious Philosophy. It goes something like this:

If we inserted “laundry” into the above flowchart, there would be some obvious answers: No, laundry is probably not delicious. Yes, you have to do it. But yes, you might be able to make it more delicious. I like to turn on NPR in the evening and have a big laundry folding session while my mind is being enriched. Other times I’ll flip on some tunes and invite my husband in to do some folding with me. A little linen date, you could say. Many of my friends commit to doing a quick load every evening, so that the laundry stays manageable. Of course, cleaning out your closets and drawers regularly can help. Do whatever you can to make the task more appealing.

The delicious decision matrix has infinite applications:

How many times do you eat something just because it is front of you, but not because it tastes great?
Do you have any relationships in your life that drain your energy more than contribute to it? Perhaps it is time to examine why you are holding on to them.
How about Facebook – are there connections that bring you down with toxic energy or negativity?
If you look at your calendar, are you committing to more than you have time for?

The more we clear the draining and unwanted clutter from our lives, the more energy we have for the things we have to do and for deliciousness.

You might be thinking, Well, chocolate is delicious. But you’re crazy if you think I can eat it for every meal. Right. In fact, if you had chocolate for every meal, it would probably lose some of its delicious qualities. Same goes for alcohol – too many drinks equal a hangover, and that is not very appealing. Moderation and balance are a natural part of this system. The point is to make more conscious decisions about what we consume and how we fill our daily lives.

Play with this concept for a while. Think about ways you can make the mundane activities in your life more tasty. And then think of any unsavory things that you can cut out. Spring is long gone, but it isn’t too late to do some spring cleaning and clearing. While you ponder that, I’m off to tackle Mt. Underwear, with Pandora playing in the background. Don’t want to let any dirty feet beat me to it.

Here’s to sanity and folding,

Kirsten

It’s Not About The Stuff :: Tuesday Tip

July 1, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Registering for gifts has always made me very happy. The little pricing gun, watching your online tracking list dwindle down, knowing the presents you open were pre-selected – it’s a beautiful process. When it came time to register for our first baby shower, J and I were told about “The List” – a popular big box baby store’s print out of suggested must-have baby items. We stopped by to grab a copy. I stood very still, staring at what seemed to be over 200 items. This thought flashed through my mind: “What the hell is ‘layette’? Le what? Le who?” Seeing the look on my face, J gently removed The List from my death grip and led me to the Thai restaurant next door. Mus Mun curry with chicken makes everything better.

Fast forward to a gorgeous Saturday morning at one of my favorite south Austin coffee spots. I noticed a woman pushing the stroller of my dreams – compact, easy to maneuver, and red. When I asked her about it, we fell into a conversation about how much stuff you can feel pressure to buy. I loved her spin, “All your baby really needs is a soft place to sleep and your boobs.”

I found peace somewhere in the middle. I was lucky enough to have several awesome mama friends who combed through The List with me, voting on the items they agreed were essential. They had saved tons of gently used baby gear for me, and we registered for/bought a few things we were pretty certain we’d need, because of their function or their irresistible cuteness. Some things on The List actually became needs later, requiring some post-baby shopping. Through it all, I kept reminding myself that as long as our little one had us, we’d all survive.

The nesting instinct that comes over parents can be intense. If used for good, it can result in completed projects, an organized house, and a calm, centered you. If gone awry, it can convince you that you should be afraid, you should buy everything on multiple Lists, and if you don’t have a microwavable steamer bottle sterilizer that doubles as a baby monitor… game over. Deep, deep breaths. It’s not about the stuff. The most valuable thing you can give your baby is a healthy you – your arms, your milk and your sanity.

BPP Sanity Saving Tips:

Remember that lists of “Must-Haves” can be treated more as “Helpful Suggestions.” Ask moms you admire for advice on what to procure before baby’s arrival, and what can wait, if it’s needed at all.
Arrange in advance for someone to make runs for baby items you later realize would really help (and groceries, and Mus Mun with chicken).
If you start to feel overwhelmed or unprepared, remind yourself of the truest essential for your baby: love. Pretty sure you’ve got a lot of that.

Here’s To Sanity and Layette,

Cheryl

4 Ways to Keep the Love Alive :: Tuesday Tip

June 17, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Last November, English researchers published a study arguing that child-less couples are happier in their relationships than couples with kids. Within hours of the press release, the researchers’ claims were splashed around the Internet and a healthy, heated debate ensued. People argued that the research was flawed, that children brought immeasurable happiness and that the long-term benefits of being a parent outweighed the short-term strains on an intimate relationship.

Many of us parents (who were at home changing diapers and wiping snotty noses) did not participate in the debate. Instead we rolled our eyes and said, “Well… duh… we could have told you that!” It’s a widely known fact that having children takes a toll on a relationship: You can’t go on dates at the drop of a hat. You and your partner get less one-on-one time together. And if the two of you do sneak in some alone time, you’re often too tired to do anything other than watch a movie and doze off on the couch.

That being said, I’m going to argue that parents can prove the research wrong. As a counselor, I have observed many couples grow closer than ever after adding littles to their tribe. Watching your partner bring a child into the world and then morph into a mother or father can be a very sweet and endearing process. My advice is to capitalize on this new-found appreciation of each other, and then make a very deliberate and conscious effort to keep the spark alive. It can be done, I promise! Here are four suggestions for feeling closer than ever to your mate:

Share Your Gratitude: Get in the habit of thanking each other for the smallest things. Thank you for emptying the dishwasher. Thanks for giving me a breather and taking over with our colicky baby last night when I was about to lose it. I really appreciate how you didn’t dump your shoes in the middle of the floor when you came home yesterday. Thank you for picking up my favorite dark chocolate at the grocery store. Thank your partner, and then thank them again. The attitude of gratitude in your relationship will feed positivity and help you to appreciate your partner rather than resent them.

Re-Romanticizing Exercise: After a couple has been together for several years, they typically grow out of the habit of doing sweet things for each other. The reasoning: You’ve secured your partner. No need to charm or court them anymore, right? Wrong. In his book, Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix gives his readers this assignment: Make a list of ten small gestures that make you feel special and loved. Ask your partner to do the same, and then exchange the lists. Need some inspiration for your list? Think back to when you and your spouse were dating. Some examples might be:

Come home with flowers for no reason.
Rub my shoulders for ten minutes.
Bring me a cup of coffee in bed. (Better yet, with whipped cream and a dash of cinnamon on top!)
Leave a sweet note on the fridge.
Light a fragrant candle before I get home.
Whip together my favorite dinner.
Put fresh linens on the bed and then turn down the sheet.
E-mail me a short poem.

You get the picture. After you’ve exchanged lists, commit to doing two things for your partner every week, unannounced, no strings attached. These random acts of kindness will help to naturally manifest an atmosphere of support and love.

Make Time for Couple Time: OK, we know that new parents do not have the time or energy to get out very often, if at all. But there are work-arounds to this dilemma. Set aside time for “home-dates”. Some examples: Cuddling on the couch while you watch your favorite TV show. Sharing a cup of coffee or a glass of vino on the back patio. Perusing the IKEA or West Elm catalog together for that rug you really need. When your babies are old enough to be left alone, book a babysitter at least once a month and get out on a date. You need to make time for each other. And that is an order!

Bedtime Compliments: I’m not referring to complimenting your partner for their bedroom skills, although that can’t hurt! Instead I encourage you get in the habit of sharing one thing that you love about each other before you go to bed each night. I love the sound of your voice on the phone. I really like how organized you are. I love that you are able to find the humor in the ridiculousness of being covered in spit up. You are so sexy when you dance around the kitchen in your pajamas. No matter how tired you are, it is nice to fall asleep knowing that you are appreciated in a very specific way.

OK, so I know what you are thinking: Do we really have to force these things in our relationship? Shouldn’t this stuff happen organically and spontaneously? Sure, that would be ideal. But when you are sleep-deprived and surrounded by diapers, dishes and dirty laundry, it is crucial to put aside time to connect with and appreciate your partner, or else the relationship can easily slip through the cracks.

According to the same research study mentioned earlier, it is the simple expressions of gratitude and appreciation that play a big role in fulfilling marriages. So be deliberate and conscious about making these gestures part of your relationship. And then give yourself and your partner time. As the years fly by, and your kids get older, you will find more and more time to connect, and the spark that you kept alive can be fanned into a full-fledged flame. Let’s make a collective effort to prove the researchers wrong and find romance in our relationships amidst the diapers, burp cloths and butt paste.

Here’s to sanity and sparks,

Kirsten

Cut The Crap – Purging 3 Ineffective Communication Strategies :: Tuesday Tip

June 3, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Our brains can feel quite cluttered. Purging the things that are no longer useful opens space for new ideas, approaches and behaviors. Consider healthy eating plans. Many of them start by omitting things like sugar, processed foods and caffeine (which makes me so, so sad). After detoxing, you start to feel better, have more energy, and can build by adding more greens, lean protein and whole foods.

The same principle works in relationships. I’ve worked with a lot of clients on breaking old patterns and being more intentional when dating. When I ask, “What qualities are you looking for?” many people draw a complete blank. So, I redirect with, “What do you want to avoid?” This primes the pump. “No commitment issues. No drug use. No habit of softly whistling show tunes while I’m talking to him.” (That last one was personal.) Sometimes getting to what we do want requires strong clarity about what we don’t want, and moving it out of our way.

Therapists are always preaching about improving communication with our partners. We all want to be more in sync, but managing conflict and getting our meaning across can feel impossible, especially amidst the added craziness of raising kids. Before tackling the arts of “I” Statements and Active Listening, open up some space by purging these three communication habits.

1. Transactional Statements. Instead of asking for what you want with clear language, transactional statements or questions are attempts to Jedi your partner into doing your bidding. You throw out a complaint or vague query, then wait for him to connect the dots, intuit your want and leap into action. This habit stems from self-esteem issues. Deep down, we question our right to even have preferences and needs, let alone express them. This drives our use of elaborate, sneaky ways for getting our needs met, which usually backfire.

Instead of this: “It’s soooo hot in here. Aren’t you hot?!”
Try this: “I’m burning up, and have my hands full with the baby. Will you please lower the temperature?”

2. Globalizing. Any negative feedback you give your partner starting with “you always,” or “you never,” is destined to bounce off a wall of defensiveness and come back to smack you in the face. Making generalizations about another person is a terrible motivator for change. This habit stems from high stress levels, which can distort your perception of the frequency/lack of the behavior. Globalizing causes her to feel invalidated, vilified and guarded.

Instead of this: “You never appreciate what I do for you. You always focus on what I’ve done wrong.”
Try this: “When you forget to say ‘thank you,’ I feel unappreciated. I love it when you compliment and tell me you value what I do.”

3. Baby Talk. Using goo-goo/gah-gah or feigned foreign accents is another strategy for fishing to get your needs met while keeping your true desires covert. Because, if you’re denied, hey, it wasn’t really you who asked anyway, it was that faux-British, adult-sized infant. No harm no foul! This habit stems from a fear of rejection, and is most commonly used when initiating sex, which can feel like one of the riskiest wants to communicate.

Instead of this: “Will you pwease wub my backy-back?”
Try this: “I want you to administer your technique. Right. Now.” That’s more of a command. But maybe that’s just fine.
Try this again: “Will you please give me one of your amazing back rubs?”

Do these tips seem impossible to implement? Are you and your partner caught in a Transactionally Globalized Baby-Talking Labyrinth from which you can see no escape? This could mean there’s some deeper emotional work to do. Reach out for help if you need to – the payoff for stronger, clearer communication is so worth it.

Here’s to Sanity and Brits,

Cheryl

Take A Breather :: Tuesday Tip

May 20, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

Cheryl and I perfected the art of “leaning in” long before Sheryl Sanberg coined the phrase. With newborns on our laps, we would lean in real close and pick the brain of any experienced parent we could find, in order to get pointers and advice on how to raise these crying little creatures. Our friend, Mandy, was, and continues to be, a favorite lean-to source for parenting tips and wisdom. (Yes, the same Mandy behind our yummy meatball recipe and the same Mandy whom we will probably refer to 100 times over in this blog.) She was the first in our group of friends to have a baby. But more importantly, she is from Oklahoma… and people from Oklahoma just seem to radiate this rock solid, old-soul kind of vibe. It’s like they have compost running through their veins and wide-open plains occupying their uncluttered minds.

An Oklahoman mom with compost in her veins.

One afternoon while I was soaking up some of Mandy’s earthy wisdom, she began telling me stories about her Grandma Pat who raised five boys and one girl in a small Oklahoma town. “I was visiting with Grandma Pat one day,” Mandy shared, “And I said to her, ‘Grandma… you had six babies by the age of 30. I only have one and my head is spinning! How in the world did you manage?!’”

At this point in the conversation, I leaned in so far, I almost fell over into Mandy’s lap. I just knew that I was about to be on the receiving end of some amazing Oklahoma-bred parenting wisdom. If there had been a legal pad in my diaper bag, I probably would have whipped it out and started jotting down notes. But instead I just leaned forward and listened intently.

Mandy continued with her story, “My grandma replied, ‘Mandy…all these years folks have given me a hard time about my smoking…but I can tell you this…people sometimes lose it with their kids…but I never harmed a one of them.’”

Oh…

Grandma Pat smoked.

Mandy went on to explain that books were also a great escape for her grandma, and that she could still picture her sitting at the kitchen bar, sipping iced tea, absorbed in a great novel. But at this point in the conversation, I was stuck on the cigarette thing. And for the next five minutes, I strongly considered taking up smoking.

After coming to my senses, I realized that it wasn’t the cigarettes that saved Mandy’s grandma from parenting overload. (In fact, Mandy explained to me that smoking seriously harmed her grandma’s health in the end.) It was Grandma Pat’s ability to take breaks and breathers that helped her to raise those six kids. And she encouraged Mandy to do the same.

Breathers are essential for new and experienced parents alike. Grandma Pat got that one right. Regardless of how much you adore your little one, and regardless of how old that little one is, you will find the need for sanity breaks. These breathers look different for every one. One of my friends said that she would grab a magazine, announce that she needed to use the restroom, and maybe take a little more time than needed. Another friend would uncharacteristically volunteer to fill the car up with gas or walk the dog, anything to get out for a few minutes. When my own kids were ready to run errands with dad, my favorite breather involved sending my family out for a short adventure. I was left with a quiet house in which I could wash dishes and clear clutter in complete peace. Ahhh… heaven.

As your kids migrate through the toddler, preschooler and elementary stages, you will find that the need for breathers does not go away. And at times, you may find that it is impossible to get away. Here are some ideas for finding peace in those crazy-making moments:

5-5-5 Breathing: Inhale for five seconds, hold in your breath for five seconds, and then exhale for five seconds. Do this five times in a row. This exercise naturally slows your breathing, quiets your mind and calms the natural fight-or-flight reflex that accompanies stress. And you can do this anywhere, any time.
Trip to Tahiti: A holistic pharmacist that we know, Beth Shirley (or The Best Shirley, as we affectionately call her) taught us this trick. Lay on your back with your calves up on the couch for 15 minutes. Listen to relaxing music or just breathe. Inverting your body and letting the blood rush to your head will have a relaxing effect and give you a boost to continue your day.
Recorded Relaxation: Download a free 10 min guided relaxation or a brief yoga class. Even if you can’t sneak away to the gym or yoga studio, you can bring the mellowing benefits into your home, often for a very low price.

Find a breather that works for you, and don’t feel guilty about it. My friends and I are known to treat ourselves to a glass (or two) of wine and a long gab session. Other times we may briefly lose ourselves in a book and a cup of coffee. Whether you have six kids like Grandma Pat or one six-week-old baby, it is important to give yourself these tiny mental retreats. You can mark that down as Oklahoma parenting wisdom at its finest.

Here’s to sanity and compost,

Kirsten

Make it Clear – 3 Reasons Why Moms Won’t Tell You What They Need :: Tuesday Tip

May 6, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Have you ever whisper-screamed? If you’re thinking hard, you probably haven’t. Operating definition – the sound resulting from two opposing forces: the need to scream combined with the need to stifle. You are freaking out, but don’t want your neighbors to think you’re being murdered, don’t want to wake the baby, or know deep down that the situation doesn’t really warrant a full-blown scream.

I personally discovered this skill years ago, when a huge tree roach flew into my apartment. If you haven’t seen a tree roach, have a look at this sucker and prepare for about a week of nightmares:

I’m generally not afraid of bugs or spiders, but roaches are the sentient, evil exception. It was running in confused circles at warp speed on the floor. I froze. There were no options. I couldn’t use my normal bug tactic, holding it loosely in a tissue and gently setting it outside, because if I got too close, it would run up my body, into my gaping, horrified mouth and down my throat. And I couldn’t step on it, because it had a completely formed skeleton, organs and intestines, and would make my living room look like a crime scene. So, I did the only thing I could. I slowly backed away and whisper-screamed, “loud”, three times.

I busted the whisper-scream again when my daughter was a few weeks old. Breastfeeding was a difficult process for me. Once I got into a good position, I had a habit of clenching myself, remaining as still as possible to avoid jinxing the flow. A few minutes into this particular late night session, I realized I’d forgotten two essential things: a big glass of water and my book. Her dad, J, was asleep in the next room. I tried to reason with myself. Surely I could get through the next 30-45 minutes without these small comforts…but my need for them only intensified. I spotted the baby monitor and decided it was worth waking him.

I started by softly calling his name. No response. I leaned as far as I could toward the monitor. “J!” Nothing. As slowly and carefully as possible, I lifted the nursing pillow and my baby girl, intently keeping both in locked position, and inched toward the monitor until my face was pressed against it. Full on whisper-scream: “JAAAYYYYYY!!!” Silence. I shambled into our bedroom, mid-air breastfeeding on the way. I woke him up, indignant, and we argued about how it was possible for him to sleep through all of that whisper-screaming??

I was being ludicrous. Why didn’t I just stop feeding her for one minute, be okay with the risk of her crying in protest, wake him up gently and in person, and ask him to help me? Or, just take care of myself?

Why not cut the whisper and just scream? Or better yet, calmly and clearly ask for what you need?

Here are three reasons blocking many of us from making our needs and wants crystal clear, often resulting in our partners feeling set up to fail:

We don’t know what our needs are. During the first few months of a baby’s life, sleep is erratic, if happening at all (did you know that sleep deprivation/interruption is a torture tactic used by terrorists?), and there’s a constant focus on keeping up with this sweet, helpless being’s needs. This is often at the detriment of our ability to tune inward and assess what would feel good or helpful. By the time one round of breastfeeding, diaper changing, playing and napping has completed, it’s time to start the whole process over again. Ask an exhausted new mom in the throws, “Hey, what can I get you? A snack? Lip balm?” and you might be met with a blank stare, and this answer: “Hmmmm. A lobotomy?”
We want you to read our minds. The femininity training many of us receive ingrains our preoccupation with the big picture, which is dominated by other people’s needs: who’s hungry, sad, bored, needs a drink refill, and how can we personally assist? When we have babies, this big picture skill intensifies to a sometimes scary degree. We long for our partners to have this skill too. We want you to walk into our shared space, survey the scene and intuit our needs, which to us, are obvious. See the dishes and laundry and spit up and hear the baby and the toddler crying and look at us and know that we need a hug, need you to scoop the kids up and away from us, put that load into the dryer, and make us an Old Fashioned. If you don’t ask, “How can I help?” we feel invisible. Even though that feeling is not your fault, nor is it based in any sort of rational logic, it’s there, deep down, and it’s terrible.
We’re afraid the answer will be “no,” or worse, no response. What if we identify our needs, clearly communicate them, and our partners can’t or won’t respond? What then? Maybe it means having to take a deeper look at the relationship, and either coming to terms with our partner’s limitations, or not coming to terms and pushing for change. Acknowledging and communicating your needs clearly means you have to be ready to face your partner’s answer, which can be a scary prospect.

The not easy or fun but incredibly empowering solution? Start by internally identifying what you need and want, without trying to justify or talk yourself out of it. Then, using effective communication, spell it out to your partner, and ask him or her to respond in a specific, behaviorally quantifiable way. Say it, email it, text it, or haiku it. Wait for a response, and no matter what you hear (even if it’s silence), know that you did everything you could by communicating clearly. Don’t be a whisper-screamer. And comfort yourself in the knowledge that you are bigger than the tree roach. At least by a little.

Here’s To Sanity and Clarity,

Cheryl