Wisdom

How To Be A Happier Parent :: Wednesday Wisdom

July 22, 2018 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet KJ Dell’Antonia. She is a regular contributor to The New York Times, where she covers the personal and policy aspects of parenthood. She wrote and edited the NYT Motherlode blog from 2011 until 2016 and was a contributing editor to the Well Family section from 2016-2017. She is the co-author of Reading with Babies, Toddlers and Twos and the co-host of the #AmWriting podcast.

KJ has an exciting, new book coming out in August 2018: How to Be a Happier Parent: Raising a Family, Having a Life, and Loving (Almost) Every Minute. I have to admit that I pre-ordered her book several months ago because I cannot wait to get my hands on it. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a perinatal mental health and relationship specialist, not a parenting expert. So, like many of you, I can use ALL of the parenting wisdom and insight I can gather. It takes a village, right? KJ explains that her new book is not a parenting memoir. Instead, it is filled with research, interviews and investigation, all geared toward figuring out how to make the task of parenting more enjoyable.

I was thrilled to chat with KJ about her forthcoming book because 1) I have followed her parenting-related writing for many years in The New York Times and 2) I am a gigantic fan of the #AmWriting podcast. (If you do any sort of writing, I definitely encourage you to check it out.) OK, let’s get to our interview!

KB: Let’s start at the beginning. How did you decide to write this book?

KJD: I wrote the book I wanted to read. I’d been writing about parenting for nearly a decade, and editing other people’s work as well. I’d written—and read—so much about why parents answer survey questions and say we’d rather do laundry than hang out with our kids, about why we find parenting difficult to the point where we’re really not finding much joy in it at all, on a day-to-day level—and I wanted to talk about what we could do to make that better.

KB: So many authors write parenting handbooks based on their personal experiences or opinions. The thing that really stands out to me about your book is that you conducted actual scientific research to find out what REALLY makes parents happier. Can you share a little bit about how you did your research and if the results were what you expected?

KJD: I worked with a professor from Fordham University, Matthew Weinshenker, and a research assistant, Dawn Reiss. We came up with a series of questions that used established measures of parental happiness to get an idea of where respondents (about 1000, and as close as we could get to a demographic reflection of the U.S.) stood, and then we asked them questions about what else they were doing—how did they make decisions about things like vacations, and meals? How involved were they in homework? How often did they feel like they were enforcing the rules? And then we drew some conclusions about what choices were associated with greater happiness.

I think the biggest surprise in the results was how consistently people responded to an open-ended question about what they liked least about being a parent. There was a big cluster—about a third of respondents—around discipline, establishing rules, getting kids to behave. I don’t think our parents worried so much about that.

KB: According to the research you conducted, you discovered that happier parents tend to do four things, is that correct?

KJD: Yes. This is actually from the introduction to the book: “Happier parents in general do four things well. They shift from heavier involvement to fostering independence as their children become more capable. They don’t put their children’s everyday needs above their own. They look for the good in day to day experiences, and they know what’s really important and what’s just noise and fury.”

KB: Oh gosh, those are all good reminders for me. Has writing this book changed how you parent your four children?

KJD: I really am happier. I let a lot more go, I recognize that they’re their own people, with their own lives. They need guidance and support, and I love being there for them, but I don’t have to take their every experience or disappointment and make it my own. That’s not good for any of us.

KB: I know that your book really applies to parenting kids between the ages of 4 and 16. For my readers who are expectant or new-ish parents, do you have any suggestions on what they can start doing now in order to be happier later?

KJD: Don’t give up on your pre-parent life. That first six months to a year is tough. Really tough. For everyone. You won’t get enough sleep. Ever, and it’s important to recognize that that changes everything—and unfortunately there’s not much to do but your best there. Support your partner if you’ve got one. Trade off. At least give yourself a shot at getting the sleep you need by putting yourself to bed instead of staying up trying to get things done. (One good thing about babies—you can totally watch Game of Thrones while they’re awake, you don’t have to wait until they go to sleep.)

But beyond that, keep the things you do for fun. Take the baby or toddler (seriously, they can’t tell the difference between Disney and the Met, if you like to look at art, go look at art). Get a sitter, trade with a friend, let them watch some TV while you watch a crafting video or go surfing. You won’t be able to do as much, but you can still be you, and later, you’ll be glad—because nothing prevents over-parenting like feeling like you want your own time to do your own thing.

KB: For five years, you were the managing editor of The New York Times Motherlode parenting blog. What was it like to be at the helm of the most read, and the most coveted, parenting blog in the country… or maybe even the world?

KJD: Awesome, frankly. Completely validating. I can’t lie, I loved it. It was also a ton of work. I did everything, from editing to writing to illustrating to moderating almost all of the comments. I had great editors, too, but most of them had a whole lot going on besides Motherlode, which gave me a lot of freedom within the expectations at the Times. It could also be difficult, for two reasons. First, whenever there was a major news event involving children or families, I had to step up and respond. I’m all out of things to say about schools and gun violence, other than, please, stop. Sometimes it’s nice not to have to form a coherent thought around big issues—although I also miss the opportunity to be a part of that conversation. Second, there was a lot of power involved. There were a lot of people hoping I would publish their words, or write about their book, or even their product, and obviously that meant I said no a lot. As Betsy Lerner said in The Forest for the Trees, I want to save everyone, but there’s not room in the damn boat.

KB: I love how the subtitle of your book is “Raising a family, having a life and loving (almost) every minute”. I think the word ‘almost’ is probably validating to a lot of my readers. Can you talk about how you chose that subtitle?

KJD: I love it too! The book title changed a bunch of times (it was “This Should Be Fun,” and “This Could Be Fun,” and I forget what else) but the subtitle never did. As for the almost—it’s partly in fun (who even wants to try to love every minute) and partly serious. Bad things happen, they really do. Sometimes happy isn’t even on our radar. But a lot of the time, we’re just living our lovely modern lives here, and everything is ordinary, and that’s pretty good for most Western families.

KB: In the book, you expertly address all of the key parenting concerns or topics: discipline, chores, sports, homework, etc. Which topic do parents ask you about the most frequently?

KJD: People really want to talk about chores—they kind of want to defend why they’re not managing to get their kids to do them! Which is good, because it’s one of my favorite topics, and it’s actually the simplest. If your kids aren’t doing their chores, it’s because you as parents aren’t consistently expecting them to do them, and following through. There’s nothing more to it than that. (Which isn’t to say that isn’t really hard, or that we succeed at our house—we don’t, although it’s getting better.)

Some parents think other things are more important (homework, sports). I don’t happen to agree, but if that’s the thing at your house, better to give up on the chores and just embrace that than to say “you need to do this every day” and then never really ask kids to do it.

KB: If people sign up for your newsletter, (which I have already done!) they will get access to your Ten Mantras for happier parents, right? How did you come up with the mantras, and which one is your favorite?

KJD: It changes every day. Today I like “People, even children—especially children—change, if you let them.” We all know not to label kids the smart one, or the sporty one, or whatever, but it’s so easy to lock them into other identities, even something dumb, like not liking peanut butter. The more often you say “she doesn’t like peanut butter” the less likely she is to ever try it. I hated peanut butter as a kid, or thought I did. And I love it now. That’s a mild example, but replace peanut butter with exercise, or school, and you’ll see what I mean.

KB: Lastly, can you share where people can find you and all of your wisdom? And how they can get their hands on this amazing book?

KJD: Sure! Here is EVERYTHING:

More about the Book and how to order it (and get some fabulous pre-order bonuses): How to Be a Happier Parent: Raising a Family, Having a Life and Loving (Almost) Every Minute

Website: kjdellantonia.com

Twitter: @KJDellAntonia

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kjdellantonia

Instagram: @kjda

KJ’s tinyletter: http://tinyurl.com/followkj (Definitely sign up for KJ’s newsletter if you are interested in receiving regular bit of parenting wisdom and humor.)

Podcast: #AmWriting with Jess & KJ https://itun.es/i67F2zJ or http://amwritingwithjessandkj.com (As I already said, gigantic fan of the podcast.)

And if you just want to order the book, go here:

https://tinyurl.com/HappierParentBookAmazon

Or here:

https://www.indiebound.org/book/9780735210479

Enormous thanks to KJ for sharing a preview of her book with Baby Proofed Parents. I can’t wait to receive my copy in the mail and begin learning how to be happier! – KB ♥

A Hospital That Cares for the Entire Family

March 11, 2017 By: babyproofedparentscomment

This is the first post in a two-part series created in partnership with Dell Children’s Medical Center & Ascension.

I remember the phone call like it was yesterday. I was lying on the sofa, nestled in a cozy blanket with my 10-day-old newborn. It was a rainy evening in January and I had just dialed the on-call number at my pediatrician’s office. My newborn had a significant fever, just as I did, and my husband and I needed advice on what steps to take.

“You need to take Elliott to the ER. I recommend you go to Dell Children’s Medical Center,” the doctor on the other end of the phone said firmly.

My heart sank. Really? I thought. I felt like I had a really bad cold, and that Elliott, my new baby boy, was simply fighting the same bug that I was. The thought of taking him to an emergency room was terrifying. However, I had heard positive things about Dell Children’s so I took a deep breath and said, “OK, we’ll head there immediately.”

Looking back, I now know that I had a very sick baby on my lap and that traveling to Dell Children’s Medical Center was the best decision I could have made.

After I hung up the phone with the doctor, I threw some items in a bag and jumped in the car with my newborn, leaving my husband at home to care for our preschooler. I was feeling pretty wretched myself and would have loved to have just crawled under the covers. Nevertheless, I was the source of my newborn’s food and comfort, so I needed to be the one to accompany him to the hospital.

After a compassionate and speedy ER visit, and a few days of testing and observation, Elliott was diagnosed with Posterior Urethral Valve (PUV), a congenital condition that was causing serious (and very dangerous) damage to his kidneys and ureters. The little guy needed to have emergency surgery to repair his condition and several more days of recovery and observation. We ended up staying at Dell Children’s a total of ten days that first time.

Elliott at Dell Children’s

Anyone who has stayed with a young baby or a young child in a hospital for an extended period of time will tell you that it is hard… really hard. My husband and I look back on those ten days as being some of the toughest of our lives. Especially since we came precariously close to losing our little one. And yet, there was an incredible warmth and nurturing energy that we felt during our entire experience at Dell Children’s. The staff and personnel did everything possible to make us feel comfortable and supported. So much so that when it was time to check out of the hospital, I felt a surprising amount of sadness. Of course I was happy that my son was strong enough to leave the hospital, but it was a bit hard to leave the tender loving care that my entire family received for those two very intense weeks.

I know that probably sounds odd. Sad to leave a hospital? That was honestly how I felt. When I think back to why the experience at Dell Children’s was so positive in the midst of such a negative, scary life event, I believe it has to do with their focus on family-centered care. The staff and medical personnel are not only focused on caring for their patients, they are focused on tending to the entire family and making their experience as gentle and compassionate as possible.

Dell Children’s Medical Center believes that caring for the family is just as important as caring for their young patients. Each floor of the hospital is designed to make family members as comfortable possible. This means that each unit has cozy and colorful spaces in which families can congregate and make themselves at home. The staff understands that the presence of parents, siblings and extended family enhances the healing process for infants and children. Instead of making family members set up camp in cold, separate waiting rooms, the staff welcomes them with open arms onto each floor.

Even the patient rooms are designed to accommodate parents and family members. While my infant son was recovering in his hospital bed, I rested on a surprisingly comfortable sofa bed. The colors in the room were cheery and optimistic, not the dismal, neutral shades that I was accustomed to encountering in hospital rooms. And the food? Not your standard hospital fare. It was fresh and surprisingly delicious. Because I was a nursing mother, I was able to choose from their extensive room service menu for each meal and let me tell you, this mama was thrilled to let someone else cook for me for a few weeks!

The courtyard healing garden.

Dell Children’s understands that just because a baby or a young child is sick doesn’t mean that they cease being children. The hospital has playrooms on each floor with toys and games for children of all ages, from infants to teens. It is not unusual for volunteers or staff members to be spotted wheeling around carts full of books or small toys designed to cheer their littlest patients and their siblings. The grounds are well-designed and full of gardens and interactive play areas.

I feel like Dell Children’s truly wants their patients to have positive memories of staying in their facility. It is not unusual to encounter super heroes, magicians or musicians wandering the halls. Frequent theme days and ice creams socials give every one a reason to smile. When my husband would bring our preschooler to visit the hospital, he didn’t want to leave! The staff worked hard to make him feel just as cared for as his little brother, which meant the world to us.

The beloved ball machine.

The interior of Dell Children’s is beautifully designed with large windows and cheerful artwork by local talent. My family’s favorite, favorite part of the hospital is a large kinetic ball machine. Part art installation/part interactive entertainment, my boys were mesmerized by the dropping and popping and rolling of the balls behind the wall-sized, glass-enclosed contraption.

Dell Children’s recognizes that when a family has a sick child, it impacts the emotional and social well-being of all of the family members. For this reason, the hospital has a staff of Child Life Specialists who have training in child development and emotional health. The mission of these specialists is to ease the stress and anxiety of patients and their families. Being a mental health professional, I was especially appreciative of the social workers and counselors that the hospital has on staff. Dell Children’s provides therapy and support for siblings, parents and patients. Everything from age-appropriate medical education to relaxation techniques is included.

I remember joking with one of the nurses that I really could have used a hotel-style Do-Not-Disturb sign while staying at the hospital. There was a constant stream of people checking in on me, my little patient, and the rest of my family. Looking back, all of that support and concern played a crucial role in the healing process for me and my son. Sure, there were a lot of people coming through our room, but they were coming with support, resources and love.

Despite feeling a tinge of sadness about leaving all of the incredible support at Dell Children’s, my family and I were happy to be settled back into our house after our hospital stay. Whenever we would return for the frequent follow-ups with our son’s urologist and other specialists, we would be sure to stop by our favorite ball machine in the lobby and give the wheels a whirl. My boys grew up feeling like Dell Children’s Medical Center was a place of cheer and comfort, not a place of illness and sadness. For this reason, I feel very thankful for the positive experiences they gave my family during a very tough stretch.

In my next post, I will talk about a very special doctor, my son’s urologist, and the other professionals who made up his care team at Dell Children’s Medical Center.

Learning Sign Language with Signing Time :: Wednesday Wisdom

September 1, 2015 By: babyproofedparents3 Comments

Meet Rachel Coleman. She is the mother of two exceptional children. Leah (18) is deaf, and Lucy (15) has cerebral palsy and spina bifida. Rachel’s desire to create a world where children can communicate regardless of their abilities (or disabilities) led her to co-create and host the DVD, public television, and Netflix series “Signing Time!” for which she received an Emmy nomination in 2008. Rachel also co-created and hosts Baby Signing Time, and Rachel & The TreeSchoolers. Rachel is a mentor and source of inspiration for countless families around the world who have children with disabilities. We are thrilled to feature her on the BPP site because our children grew up watching her teach sign-language on PBS. She is a celebrity to our children and an inspiration to us grown-ups!

BPP: On your website, you tell the story about how the “Signing Time!” television series was born. Can you share a little bit with our readers about your amazing family and how you ended up becoming America’s most beloved sign-language teacher?

RC: My daughter Leah was one-year-old when we realized she was deaf. Since she was only one, we thought it would be best to communicate using American Sign Language. Even if she could hear, we reasoned, she wouldn’t be speaking at such a young age. Turns out it was the smartest choice we made. It seemed obvious to us; she can’t hear, she can see, she has great fine motor skills. It would have felt crazy to me to start trying to teach her English, since she couldn’t hear me at all.

Her cousin, Alex Brown was born shortly after we found out Leah was deaf, so my sister began signing with Alex on day one.

Over the next three years, Leah’s language skills and ability to communicate were nothing short of astounding. At age two, she knew the alphabet in order (in ASL). She was reading written words, because some every day objects don’t have a sign, so you fingerspell them. She initiated amazing conversations about the world around her and her perspective about the world! This ability to communicate, without tantrums, tears, or upset, fostered a real respect between our child and us.

Alex and Leah

When Leah was age four, I could see that socially she was becoming more isolated. It doesn’t matter to your playmates if you are deaf at age one, two or three. Around age four they start to notice. It was at this time that I began to start thinking about a way to alleviate the fear, nervousness and worry that others had when they realized she couldn’t hear them. I started with an ASL Story Time at a local co-op preschool. These students interacted with Leah in the community. They were the kids she saw at the park. They played on her soccer team. The results surprised me. With just a few signs, the other children were no longer afraid. They were empowered and courageous!

BPP: Early on, you realized that sign language could be beneficial to all families with young children, not just your own young family of four. Can you share how parents can use signs to communicate more effectively with their young babies and toddlers?

RC: I see signing as an essential parenting tool, but only if you are interested in fewer tantrums, early and independent potty training, and having a consistent and silent behavior management tool. Are you interested in your youngster learning all of their preschool skills before they can even talk? Early literacy and learning a second language all have benefits and I built that into “Signing Time!” Are you sold yet?

Many moms already feel overwhelmed with their circumstances, living situation, finances, and especially if your child has any special needs. It really can seem like signing is a “luxury” that can only be learned by moms who have plenty of time.

I’ve heard that excuse and others, over and over again, because my child is deaf. “I would love to learn to sign, but I just don’t have the time!” That is also at the heart of “Signing Time!” I don’t waste time. Why? Because I am a busy mom too! I quickly and effectively teach you 18-25 signs in a 30-minute episode. I teach you in a way that will help you to actually remember the signs, without studying, without the additional time away from your family driving to and from a class. Your children will begin to initiate this learning experience, because it’s something you get to do together. They want to spend time with you. Signing forces you to put down your phone, turn away from the screen and look into your child’s eyes as they look into yours. Signing with your children fosters real communication in a day and age when that seems to be disappearing.

BPP: You have a background as a lead singer in a folk rock band. What was it like to transition from stage musician to TV and instructional video host?

RC: I promise, I had no idea that this was what I was going to do “when I grew up.” I quit doing music shortly after Leah was diagnosed as profoundly deaf. I just didn’t have the heart to spend time pursuing something that might be lost on her.

When my sister, Emilie Brown and I created “Signing Time!” we really thought 4-year-old, Leah and 3-year-old, Alex, would host it. That’s how we shot it. In the edit bay we realized they were terrible at modeling the signs! No one would learn anything from them. Emilie looked at me and said, “It’s you. You are the one.”

I resisted that. For years I resisted. Every time we filmed a new episode I declared, “Well, that’s it! Who could possibly want more than 3 episodes of Signing Time!” The next time around, “Well that is it! Who could possibly want more than 6 episodes of Signing Time!” We’ve been creating “Signing Time!” for 15 years now. Leah is 18 and I just took her to Rochester, New York and helped her set up her college dorm room. Alex is 17 and a senior in high school. They are still best cousins and best friends.

Alex and Leah, all grown up.

I am now completely settled with the fact that I grew up to be “Rachel Coleman, from Signing Time.” I am “Leah’s Mom.” I am also “The Signing Lady.” Some kids keep it simple and call me “Signing Time” when they see me. Just last week my niece, Mercy, said to her mom, my sister Sarah, in a hushed voice, “Mom, that’s Rachel and the TreeSchoolers!”

BPP: Signing Time has been featured for many years on PBS and Nick Jr.. What is it like to be a celebrity in the world of children’s programming? Do people recognize you when you are out and about?

RC: I am always shocked that people recognize me. I don’t go around in life expecting people to know who I am. I’m not an A-list, or B-list or even M-list celebrity.

I am a mom. I am a wife. I am a sister. I am a daughter. I am a business owner. I am a creator. I am always creating, brainstorming, fundraising, crowd-funding, tweeting, posting, sharing, fine-tuning, marketing, writing songs and writing scripts.

Sometimes it’s like drinking out of a fire hose. I used to complain about being so busy, and say things like “I wish things would finally calm down.” I realized that just isn’t true. I love traveling, performing, and writing songs. I love the families I get to meet when I am doing concerts. I schedule 2-3 hours to meet everyone after each show, and I’ve done over 200 live concerts.

If all I get is this one life, I am happy with how I’m living it. I give children a “voice.” We give families peace. Some of my Signing Time fans may never be able to say the words, “I love you!” or “thank you” with their voices. I teach them to say that, and so much more with their hands.

BPP: The creation and production of Signing Time is truly a family affair – your husband, sister, brother and father are all involved. Your daughter and nephew were major players in the early videos. Did your kids enjoy being part of the productions? Did they ever lose interest or tell you they didn’t want to be involved any more?

RC: Just last year we released Signing Time Christmas. This year we will be releasing Signing Time Sentences. These shows star Alex and Leah, as the Signing Time Series always has. Alex and Leah have always been willing to perform for Signing Time, they often make surprise appearances on stage at live Signing Time Concerts and they stay after for the meet and greet. They say, “We are the perfect amount of famous! We get to have fun and kids love us, and we still live normal lives!”

BPP: At times, your shows have been turned down by big studios for being “too educational for television.” What are your thoughts on this criticism? Your fan base seems to disagree.

RC: At first I saw that as criticism, but if you actually watch many children’s television programs, you’ll likely agree. We pack each moment with multiple concepts delivered through multiple senses. Since we don’t have the massive financial overhead that the studios have, we are able to create our shows without the concern of selling backpacks, food packaging with our characters on it, toys, bedding and the many ancillary items that help fund the huge cost of most children’s television shows. Our shows are created at a fraction of the cost and we are free to deliver plenty of content because we answer to our Signing Time Families, not to a board or to shareholders.

BPP: What are the first five signs that a parent should learn? Is there a video or episode that you recommend to a 1st time parent who has no experience with sign language?

RC: I actually created a product line called “Baby Signing Time!” to answer the needs of 1^st time parents with an interest in signing, but are coming to it with no experience. Baby Signing Time teaches you your 100 first signs and concepts in American Sign Language and in English. We cover all of that in just four episodes. That is where you start.

“Signing Time!” is really a preschool skills curriculum. You learn American Sign Language and English for over 1000 words. Each word appears multiple times on the screen, so it’s an early reader, sight word system as well. Signing Time is 26 episodes, 30-minutes each.

We cover colors, counting, alphabet, animals, family members, zoo animals, farm animals, toys, transportation, weather, days of the week, months of the year, sports, signs you need in a school day, signs you need in the morning, afternoon and evening.

I even teach your children how to correctly set the table, and to ask to be excused from the table. We teach manners, hygiene, items of clothing, cleaning up your belongings, helping out around the house, the rooms in your home and the items in those rooms.

Like I said, I’m a busy mom. I write all of the songs to encourage positive behaviors and the songs reinforce your children being kind to others and being responsible for their bodies, their rooms and their belongings.

“Signing Time!”, “Baby Singing Time!” and Rachel & The TreeSchoolers really were created by two very busy moms who are out to make things easier for other busy moms. Here are the links:

www.babysigningtime.com 4 Episodes 100 ASL Signs

www.signingtime.com 26 Episodes 1000 ASL Signs

www.treeschoolers.com 8 Episodes 20-60 signs per episode.

BPP: Along with the award winning sign-language products you mention above, you offer the Signing Time Potty Training system. How can sign language be helpful when a child is transitioning out of diapers?

RC: Your child can understand and communicate the following concepts through sign language, “potty”, “wet”, “dry”, “diaper”, and “clean”, long before they have the ability to say the actual words. A child who can recognize and label what is happening with their body can also communicate those things to you, the caregiver, before it actually happens! Communication is the bridge. Since they cannot yet speak words, the signs help have all of the pieces in place and go beyond words. We have a free app on iTunes “Potty Time” and it is very effective at encouraging, and then reinforcing potty training in a positive way.

BPP: You offer an instruction training and certification program for individuals who want to offer sign language courses in their own communities. What has the response been to this program and how can parents find an instructor in their area?

RC: Visit www.signingtime.com/academy to become a Signing Time Academy Instructor, or to find an Instructor and find classes near you. Many of our Signing Time families find themselves telling everyone around them about Signing Time. We offer a way for you to share Signing Time with your community by teaching Signing Time Classes and selling Signing Time Products. It’s an amazing group of people who really care about supporting each other and making a difference in their communities.

BPP: Your daughters (all three of them!) have grown up to be beautiful, independent, intelligent young women. Do you have any words of wisdom or advice for parents who are raising children born with a disability? Or any advice for new parents in general?

RC: It’s going to be okay. Really! Breathe, play, relax, and enjoy your children. It’s going to be okay.

Rachel Coleman is TRULY a busy lady. We are so appreciative that she took the time to connect with us on the blog and share just a bit of her ample wisdom and positive energy. Thank you Rachel! We look forward to seeing you singing, signing and teaching ASL for many years to come. – Kirsten ♥

Follow Rachel on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/signingtimerachel

Follow Baby Signing Time! on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/babysigningtime

Follow Signing Time! on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/signingtime

And be sure to check out all of Rachel’s amazing shows, programs and products at: http://www.signingtime.com/

On Raising Twins :: Wednesday Wisdom

April 22, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Meet Sadia. She is a working single mother of identical twin daughters. In the odd minute she finds between raising her daughters, running a home, driving her commute and working as a business analyst, she runs the multi-authored blog, How Do You Do It?, created by and for parents of twins, triplets and more. Sadia also serves as the Single Parent Coordinator for Multiples of America. Sadia grew up in Europe and Asia but now shares a home with her 8 yr old daughters, J and M, in the suburbs of Austin, Texas. We wanted to pick Sadia’s brain about her experience of raising twins and learn more about HDYDI, the amazing blog that supports parents of multiples.

BPP: So… what was it like when you found out that you were having twins? Was it something you had planned or hoped for?

S: I don’t think anyone ever plans on having twins, but there was a tiny part of me that hoped for it, just based on the large number of twins and triplets in my husband’s family. The earliest I was prepared to have children was age 26 and my husband wanted to be done by age 24. We agreed on having two kids. Our twins’ birth, which happened 6 days before I turned 27 and 23 days before my husband turned 25, made an impossible set of requirements work! We knew we were looking at twins on the first ultrasound, 7 weeks into the pregnancy, before the technician even said a word. We were both thrilled and just wanted to be sure there were two and not three! We would have been equally happy with triplets, but wanted to know how many cribs to get.

BPP: Can you share about your pregnancy? Was it challenging carrying two little ones? Did the birth go as planned?

S: Any multiple birth is automatically categorized as “high-risk” because of the elevated risk of preterm birth and other complications. For those like me, lucky enough to have uncomplicated pregnancies, that simply translates to more frequent visits with the obstetrician and an ultrasound at every visit. I had a dream pregnancy. No morning sickness. No reflux. No swollen ankles. Fabulous hair and skin. Everything went great until my water broke, without warning, 7 weeks before the twins were due. The emergency C-section was extremely traumatic, but fortunately their early start hasn’t had any lasting effects on my daughters.

BPP: How did you prepare for bringing two babies home from the hospital? Did you consult with any experts or websites on how to prepare for twins?

S: Since J and M decided to enter the world 2 months ahead of schedule, final preparations were never completed. However, I spent a year in therapy before getting pregnant to make sure that I could be in the best emotional shape of my life going into motherhood. My general approach was to be an honest and open mother, to allow my children to see my mistakes and how I recover from them. Everything else in my parenting arsenal stems from that transparency, with a final goal of readying my children for an independent, productive, and happy adulthood. My preparation for the specifics of twins was limited to intense and wonderful conversations with my husband’s aunt (who has fraternal triplets) and great-aunt (who has identical twins).

BPP: Challenges with breastfeeding and sleep deprivation are extremely common for new parents, even with only one baby! Do you remember how you coped with feeding and waking up with two infants?

S: The babies were both home with me at 20 days old. By then, my husband had shipped off to California for pre-Iraq combat training! During maternity leave, I quite literally spent half my time breastfeeding: 45 minutes for M, then 45 minutes for J, then repeat 90 minutes later! I was so grateful that they’d latched at all after my nearly 3 weeks on a pump and feeding tubes that it didn’t seem too overwhelming.

Something happened to my body chemistry that allowed me to perform basic functions on just 3-4 hours of total sleep in 45-minute chunks. When I say, “basic functions”, I mean keeping myself and the babies alive. There was a day when I got to work only to realize that I’d put my pants on inside out in my sleep deprived haze. I maintained a notebook of feedings, diapers and baths because I wasn’t forming any lasting memories and didn’t want to risk feeding one baby twice and the other not at all!

The true source of my sanity was my friend Sara, whose (one!) baby was 14 days younger than mine. We were pregnant together and sent our husbands to Iraq together. Although she was an SAHM and I worked, it really felt like we were in it together. She was never scared off by my two babies, and she also knew that I could take on a third when she needed a moment. Also, having a childcare provider I trusted meant the world when I returned to work. The babies were only 11 weeks old, developmentally 4 weeks old, at the end of maternity leave.

BPP: Can you share about the first few years of being parents of two? Any challenges or successes that surprised you? How did it impact your relationship with their father?

S: I came to motherhood with an assumption that my children would be pliant clay, everything about them attributable to something I or their father had done right or wrong. Instead, they came out with fully formed personalities. They even kicked and punched differently in utero! They certainly have a lot in common, but M and J are very, very different young ladies. It took no time at all for me to realize that my job as a mother was to give them each the tools her particular personality required for success in life. I would have very little to do with who they were and was along for the ride! I had imagined that parenthood would be a thankless grind and was shocked by how much fun I was having. You can’t dance to classic Madonna with a giggling 6-month-old on each hip and not be filled with bone deep joy.

My husband was deployed in Iraq for 15 months of our daughters first two years, and away for training several months besides. I had hoped to parent as a team even while he was away, but we hardly heard from him. I don’t think the children made any difference in our relationship. Our physical distance and communication limitations kept us from having much of a relationship at all.

BPP: You are a frequent contributor and coordinator with the blog, How Do You Do It? (HDYDI), a website where “Moms of multiples tell it like it is.” How did you connect with this blog? How do you feel that it has benefited both you and other parents of multiples?

S: I ran across HDYDI when my daughters were about 2 years old. I knew I’d found my tribe, mothers who really understood the ins and outs of parenting young twins. I left a comment on a post or two and quickly felt like part of the community. It was several years before I began contributing regularly, and shortly after that, I took over coordination.

How Do You Do It? is a family where MoMs (that’s MoM-speak for “mothers of multiples”) understand that there is no one way to parent, run a family or be a woman. We have mothers from different family structures, different countries, several religions, completely different politics, and with children of all ages. We come together with the shared goals of doing right by our kids and making it through each day. In a lot of other places, I run into the assumption that an answer that is right for one pair of twins must be right for all twins. I’ve never seen that at HDYDI. In raising children who shared a womb and a birthday, we all get to see up close how unique each child is, while acknowledging how special the wombmate bond can be.

BPP: Since having your twins, you and your husband have divorced. You have also maintained a successful career as a full-time business analyst. You definitely wear a lot of hats: single mother of twins, career woman, blog coordinator and more. To echo the title of your blog, How do you do it?? Any tips on maintaining balance when you have a lot on your plate?

S: That’s a big question! In short, recognize that you can’t do it all right now, and that’s okay. Prioritize what matters and forget or delay the rest. My recommendation is to find the 5 things that matter to you most. Your list might include marriage, education, nutrition, friends and sleep. Or perhaps it’s breastfeeding, working to a promotion, taking a shower daily, eating one non-cereal meal and having one conversation with your spouse that isn’t about the children. There’s no right answer. At the end of every week, look back and see whether you put the bulk of you energy toward those things. Readjust accordingly.

BPP: Do you mind sharing which topics or concerns come up the most on the HDYDI blog and how you give support and encouragement to expectant or new parents of twins?

S: The top topics of discussion are these:

– What do “identical” and “fraternal” even mean, and how do I know what mine are? http://hdydi.com/2014/03/12/identical-or-fraternal-a-primer/

– How can I make breastfeeding work with more than one? http://hdydi.com/2014/01/29/ask-moms-tandem-nurse/

– How do I run errands with all these small people? http://hdydi.com/2013/10/21/grocery-shopping-twin-more/

– Should my multiples be in the same or different classrooms? http://hdydi.com/2015/02/27/twins-and-school-together-apart/

– How should I tackle ignorant questions and comments? http://hdydi.com/2013/07/26/its-okay-to-think-it-responding-to-twin-comments/

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving pointer to expectant or new parents, especially parents of multiples, what would it be?

S: Remember the Golden Rule and turn it on yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat others. Know that you are enough as a parent, whether you accept help to get it all done or you take shortcuts to make things work. Don’t strive for perfection, because you… and your children… will always fall short. Your children learn by watching you. If you don’t turn self-criticism to either productive change or acceptance, neither will your kids. If you do accept yourself and do your best, so will they.

Sadia, thank you so much for sharing your experience with your two daughters and your insight. Even for those of us who will never have twins or triplets, your pointers are invaluable! ♥ – C & K

Be sure to check out the How Do You Do It? Blog at this link.

And stay in the loop with HDYDI, Sadia and other parents of multiples on the HDYDI Facebook page.

A Workout for Busy Moms :: Wednesday Wisdom

April 1, 2015 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

Meet Allison Lambert. She is an ACE certified personal trainer, former psychology teacher and college athlete. Her desire to help women get healthy lead her to create The Fit Tutor, an online fitness service for women. Some personal trainers wear camo pants, yell a lot, or show off their six-packs to motivate their clients. Not Allison. She believes in eating chocolate, buying lots of shoes, and encouraging clients by walking along side of them on their fitness journey. She uses her knowledge and enthusiasm to help women feel confident and overcome any fear of working out. We were so interested to chat with Allison because her inexpensive, at-home fitness programs are perfect for the busy mom who wants to start making self-care more of a priority. Getting to the gym can be challenging when you have a young child – Allison brings the gym to you.

BPP: Your website provides a really unique service: affordable online fitness regimens coupled with personal training. How did you decide to launch The Fit Tutor? What was your inspiration?

AL: My passion is to help women be strong, confident, and healthy. My heart breaks every time I see someone start and stop an exercise regime because it was too hard or time consuming. I see this a lot with popular exercise videos or even pins on Pinterest. I talk with women all the time who want to lose weight and get stronger, but they feel like they don’t have time, don’t know what to do, or can’t afford a trainer.

My desire is to make healthy living attainable so women can look and feel their best! The Fit Tutor provides good, safe instruction, and the ability to workout when it fits in your schedule.

BPP: What are the advantages to signing up with the Fit Tutor vs. signing up with a bootcamp, local personal trainer or a gym?

AL: I personally disliked paying for a gym membership only to have to go through the hassle of getting there on a busy day and then waiting for equipment. I actually just quit my gym this year, and have been working out way more consistently at home. The Fit Tutor helps minimize excuses to skip a workout. (See her article “15 Reason to Work Out at Home”)

As a personal trainer, I think there’s nothing better than working one-on-one with someone. In reality, that’s just not doable for everyone. With The Fit Tutor you get demonstrations, modifications, and workouts designed by a trainer that are really effective! And you definitely don’t have to pay the price of a trainer. We also offer nutrition coaching, accountability, and your own personal cheering section, too.

Boot camps are awesome and fun, but they can be hard to stick with. They start and stop, so every few months you have to find that self-control, determination and a large amount of money upfront to decide to keep going. You usually don’t get the individualized instruction you need for a safe and effective workout, either. With The Fit Tutor, you still get community, effective workouts, and accountability, but it’s easier on your bank account and better for the longevity of your workout regime.

BPP: I’m sure that a lot of people are curious about how The Fit Tutor provides personal training services online. How do you stay connected to your clients?

AL: This is by far my favorite part of running The Fit Tutor. I reach out to all members by email when they sign up, and I continue our contact based on the client’s needs and wants via email or other social media. Some people prefer to be left alone, but most want more contact for encouragement, accountability, questions or nutrition coaching. My favorite is our Facebook accountability group. It’s a fun group of women of all levels and walks of life who encourage and check in with each other!

BPP: What are the hesitations or concerns that you hear most frequently from potential clients about signing up for an exercise program? How do you answer these concerns?

AL: Most people I talk with are concerned about failure – whether it’s not having enough time, not being able to do something, or doing but not succeeding. We offer workouts in as little as four minutes, so I encourage people that they DO have the time. I’ve worked with personal training clients in every condition, and I’ve tried to make the beginner exercises doable for people who have never worked, just had a baby, or might be arthritic, obese, etc..

My programs are effective, and doing them combined with our nutrition coaching, I think it would be hard to fail. They might not lose weight as fast as they’d like to, but I’m committed to helping each woman succeed.

You being healthy and energetic is such a gift to your family. It’s worth pushing through whatever fears you have to make this a priority.

BPP: Are your workouts appropriate for someone who has never exercised before? If so, how do you introduce them to exercise?

AL: Yes! I’ve designed each video to be helpful for someone who has never done strength training before. Each video shows an example along with demonstration, so there’s no question on how to perform each exercise. The best way to start for someone new to exercising is our Beginner Get Fit program. It starts you off slow and has a good combination of learning new exercises plus repeating others so you can see your progress.

BPP: What kind of equipment do your clients need to do the workouts in their own home?

AL: All you need is the Internet and a pair of dumbbells. A yoga mat is helpful, but not necessary. Every exercise is performed with either body weight or dumbbells.

Strength training is one of the most effective and efficient ways to lose weight, so our workouts focus on strength training (without getting bulky) and at-home cardio routines to help shed fat.

BPP: Many of your members are mothers. Can your workouts be done with babies or older children in the home? Do you incorporate stress-reducing exercises/suggestions (because you know we mothers can benefit!)

AL: Yes! Many moms have said they do workouts during nap time, or out in the yard during playtime, or even with their kids crawling all over them. I’ve sent moms workouts they can do using their kids as the weight, and have received awesome videos of kids doing exercises right alongside the parents. Teaching children that exercise and health matter is so important, and it’s healthy for them to see Mom making her health a priority. Strength training is a great stress reducer, and we also have yoga cool-downs to help for those who are extra stressed.

BPP: Does the Fit Tutor have tailored work-outs for expectant moms? How about couples?

AL: Expecting moms can usually do all of the beginner exercises, with the exception of core work. For now, I’m working one-on-one (via email) with expecting moms, putting together a few workouts and videos to help them with what they can and cannot do. I have a section for pregnancy workouts by trimester in the making, and I’m so excited to have this section finished!

Although there’s nothing specific to couples, every workout can be done with a friend. I love getting messages from members who say they did a Fit Tutor workout with their husband or boyfriend.

BPP: You have some really interesting nutrition, food and wellness-related articles on your blog. Are these topics that you incorporate into your personal training?

AL: Yes, because I believe the best results come from both nutrition and exercise. I currently offer nutrition coaching based on small, healthy changes that add up over the long run. I think that’s important for parents especially, because totally overhauling your diet can be overwhelming. I also believe it’s important to have a healthy body image and a healthy relationship with food, and I help clients deal with these issues as they arise.

BPP: Does the Fit Tutor have programs tailored for weight loss? Do they get advice from a dietician?

AL: We have several Get Fit Programs, with more in the making. Our current Get Fit Programs are 8 weeks long and are designed to gain strength and jump start your weight loss. These programs, coupled with the nutrition coaching, can be powerful in achieving your goals! The Fit Tutor focuses on making fitness and healthy eating a lifestyle, so we incorporate different types of workouts for any schedule, as well as accountability for those who need that type of help.

As of next month, I will be a certified nutrition coach and will start incorporating meal plans for an extra charge, but the nutrition coaching is included in the membership price.

BPP: If you have to give one piece of sanity-saving advice to a new mom, what would it be?

AL: I tell moms all the time to not stress about getting their bodies back. I believe your body is already incredible because it grew and birthed a human! I help moms focus on doing what they can with eating healthy and exercising during this crazy adjustment time in their lives. In time you can and will look great again, but making that a focus or setting unrealistic expectations can only cause more stress and negative emotions. Do what you can and breathe a sigh of relief.

Thank you Allison for sharing about your unique and accessible fitness service. One of the goals of this blog is to connect our readers and subscribers with resources that will make life easier, healthier and happier. You are definitely one of those amazing resources. – C&K ♥

Check out Allison’s info packed blog at: http://thefittutor.com/blog/

Learn more about her online fitness services and free trial: http://thefittutor.com/

Follow her on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/fittutor

A Different Kind of Discipline :: Wednesday Wisdom

March 10, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Caitlyn Weeks, MA, LPC-I

Most parents struggle with behavior management issues at some point in their child’s development. For some, the challenges might begin at 18 months when a little one tries out their first tantrum. Other parents don’t see behavior issues until they have teenagers in the house. They are the lucky few. Regardless of when the challenges occur, it is great to have a discipline philosophy ready and waiting. (Something that I certainly didn’t think of when I had my first baby!)

Natalie Love, LMFT-A, LPC

That is precisely why I wanted to interview Caitlyn Weeks, MA, LPC-Intern and Natalie Love, LMFT-A, LPC , two individuals who know a lot about the Positive Discipline approach to parenting and behavior management. Caitlyn works with parents, teens and families at Austin Family Counseling, under the supervision of Lora Ferguson, LPC-S. Natalie also practices at Austin Family Counseling and specializes in adults, couples and LBGTQ+ clients. Both hold the title of Certified Positive Discipline Parenting Educator and both are amazing resources for parents, families and teens in Austin. To read more about Caitlyn and Natalie’s backgrounds and specialties, click on their photos.

BPP: How did you two become interested in learning more about the Positive Discipline (PD) philosophy?

Caitlyn: While wading through a mountain of models and resources in graduate school, one of my favorite professors introduced me to Positive Discipline. This was around the time that I was really embracing the concept of working with families as unique systems (instead of individuals in isolation). Because I have a passion for working with teens, I was looking for a way to invite parents into the work and offer tools that would be beneficial for the whole system. The long-term benefits of PD really connected with how I experienced my parents as a child and how I relate to them as an adult. I wanted to learn more and pursued advanced training in 2013 and have been using the model with families in sessions, seminars, and groups ever since.

Natalie: When I started working with Austin Family Counseling, many of the therapists were trained in Positive Discipline. When I began learning about the approach I was really interested in how to apply the model in my own family. I was drawn to the model because it focuses on connection and encouragement rather than rewards and punishments. I was feeling discouraged as a new parent and was getting advice from my own mother and in-laws on how to do things, but didn’t really agree with some of their approaches. When I started applying PD at home my own mother was a little skeptical. She wanted to know where the punishment came in, because that is how she learned to parent. It has been so rewarding to see our extended family get on-board with this model (despite their initial skepticism) as they see how effective and beneficial it has been (and continues to be) for both our son and family as a whole.

BPP: Can you describe the foundation/basics of this discipline style?

Caitlyn: At its core, Positive Discipline is based on fostering connection in relationships. Dr. Jane Nelsen developed the model while studying the work of psychologists Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikers and attempting to make sense of her own family life and parenting strategies in the process. PD is designed to help families engage with social and life skills that encourage the development of respectful, responsible, and resourceful young people.

The five basic goals of the Positive Discipline approach:

balance kindness and firmness
promote connection
achieve long-term effectiveness
teach social and life skills for good character
invite the discovery of capability and appropriate/constructive use of personal power

Positive Discipline Tools focus on:

modeling and promoting mutual respect
learning effective communication and problem solving skills
prioritizing solutions instead of punishment and encouragement instead of praise
recognizing mistakes as opportunities for learning without permissiveness or punishment

Parents are also able to move beyond behavior modification by gaining an understanding of the beliefs children hold at the core of misbehaviors and how to work with those beliefs or “mistaken goals” of behavior in the long-term.

BPP: What do you believe sets PD apart from other behavior management or parenting approaches?

Caitlyn: This model isn’t about becoming a perfect parent. Many parents come to this model with “resource fatigue” and find relief in our hands-on application of tools. PD invites action in an approachable way and teaches concepts through experiential activities that encourage parents to practice tools and strategies in a fun, supportive, and engaging community. PD also focuses on successes and challenges, not simply misbehavior. Parents learn how to truly encourage their children and celebrate their unique gifts and talents while helping them become capable, empowered young people and fostering self-esteem.

BPP: What are the benefits of using this philosophy with kids?

Natalie: When you identify the underlying belief behind a child’s behavior it allows for connection and compassion, which I feel creates a stronger, more trusting relationship between the parent and child. Parenting is not easy but when we can maintain connection with our children, I feel it can be less discouraging when facing expected and inevitable challenges.

BPP: How early do you recommend parents start using these concepts with their children?

Natalie: I first began learning about PD when my son was about 2 years old. A lot of the tools were not easily applicable with him because he wasn’t verbal enough or did not yet have the ability to comprehend some of the ideas. However, learning and grasping the concepts as a parent was still very helpful for me in understanding his behaviors. Now he is 3 ½ and we are able to apply more of the tangible tools which have been really effective. I think parents of any age child can benefit from learning the model, but implementing some of the specific activities and tools is probably easier with children that are 3 and up.

Caitlyn: I agree with Natalie that the framework of the model is helpful at any age, but the tools really become useful around age 3 and up. This model is also fantastic for families with teens and I use it regularly in that way. Regardless of the age of the child(ren), this work invites parents to develop a greater understanding of they were parented and how those experiences inform the way they parent their own children. During times of challenge, we often revert to the type of parenting we experienced as children, so the awareness this model brings is invaluable in empowering parents to be proactive instead of reactive. Personally, I find the tools are also relevant to my relationship with my husband and we do our best to use the communication strategies frequently. A specific model for couples is currently in development and we’re looking forward to its release.

BPP: How can parents learn more about PD and start using the techniques with their own children?

Natalie: Reading the books is definitely helpful, but I have found the workshops and groups to be most effective for me in really grasping the concepts. There is something very powerful about the experiential piece, especially when co-parents can participate together! It is fun and interactive and having the shared experience helps lessen some of the shame and fear that come up as a parent. Austin Family Counseling is offering brief introductory sessions to Positive Discipline for those interested in learning more or getting a refresher on a specific topic. I think that is a really approachable way to get a feel for PD before committing to a full workshop. For those who are ready to take the plunge, our practice also offers 8-week and weekend intensive groups for parents.

Caitlyn: In addition to books and workshops, parent coaching is an invaluable way to engage with the model. With parent coaching, we offer one-on-one sessions tailored to fit your unique parenting concerns and challenges. My coaching clients receive a combination of resources and materials, “troubleshooting,” a safe place to vent constructively, and plenty of accountability and encouragement. The Austin Family Counseling Blog frequently features PD topics and is a great way to learn more about our therapists who offer parent coaching. I also think the Positive Discipline Blog is a wonderful resource for parents who are curious and interested in learning more.

BPP: Does it help with some of the biggest parent stressors such as tantrums and potty training?

Natalie: Definitely! The book, Positive Discipline A-Z: 1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems book is one of my “go-to” resources for day to day parenting stressors. You can quickly look up a topic, like tantrums, hitting, etc. and find tangible suggestions & considerations related to the issue.

BPP: What does this model look like in a private practice setting? Do you use the concepts from the PD model in your work with young clients and families?

Caitlyn: I use this model daily. Many parents come in with specific challenges or topics they would like to address and I find that Positive Discipline provides concrete, proactive strategies that lead to long-lasting results. With my teen clients, we use PD to discover empowering ways to interact with parents and other adults (teachers, coaches, bosses, etc.). The relational emphasis of PD also offers a great framework for exploring peer relationships, dating, and identity development. Regardless of the age of the client, I do my best to create an environment that is rooted in values of mutual respect, kindness, firmness, and trust. When interactions are supportive, safe, and reliable we feel better; when we feel better, we do better.

Natalie: I work mostly with adults and couples and definitely find this approach applicable! I often apply these concepts with couples and they love being able to take it home and apply it with their families. It is empowering for couples to take the tangible tools that they can relate to themselves and then see the impact it has on their family as a whole.

BPP: If you had to give one piece of sanity-saving advice to new parents, what would it be?

Natalie: You are not alone and this journey is not about being perfect! Try not to compare yourself to others, especially what you see on social media etc. People like to portray their “best selves” to the public, but we can all connect with the struggle. It’s more vulnerable to show the messy side of parenting, but it is much more authentic! This is not easy and that is okay. We can support one another, so don’t be afraid to reach out!

Caitlyn: I couldn’t have said it better. Even if it were possible to be a perfect parent, who wants to be around “perfect”? Perfection is a dangerous goal that creates automatic failure for ourselves and others. It also gets in the way of some of our most valuable opportunities for repair, connection, and growth. When you open yourself to the practice of embracing mistakes as wonderful opportunities for learning, the need for perfection falls away and creates space for something much more amazing. Recognize mistakes, learn from them, and ask for help and support as often as you need it!

Want to learn more about Caitlyn? Have a question for her? Go to this link: http://austinfamilycounseling.com/caitlyn-weeks/

Want to learn more about Natalie? Have a question for her? Go to this link: http://austinfamilycounseling.com/natalie-love/

I wish I had learned about Positive Discipline years ago when my boys were little guys! I appreciate Caitlyn and Natalie taking the time to fill us in on this wonderful discipline philosophy. It sounds like the perfect fit for 21st century parents. – KB ♥

Feeding Your Little Ones :: Wednesday Wisdom

February 25, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet Cheryl Carey, MSW. She is the founder of Taste & See Healthy Baby Food, an organization that offers tips, recipes, instructional classes and hands-on cooking workshops to parents who want more guidance on feeding their growing babies. Cheryl has a Master’s degree in social work from Texas State University and worked for more than 20 years with families and caregivers in various roles at the Texas Department of Protective Services. After giving birth to her son, Caleb, and navigating the many decisions and challenges involved in feeding a baby, Cheryl developed a new interest in early childhood nutrition. She decided to combine her passion for helping families with her love of cooking into helpful resources for parents. Introducing solids and navigating the world of baby and toddler food can be overwhelming – we wanted to learn more about the information and services that Cheryl provides to new parents.

BPP: Would you share the mission of Taste & See Healthy Baby Food?

CC: Taste & See Healthy Baby Food supports parents in creating a happy and healthy home environment in which a child can truly grow and thrive. Research indicates that establishing a nutritious diet and healthy eating habits for a child will reduce the risk of illnesses and obesity, both in childhood and adult life. I offer instructional cooking classes, free talks and other resources regarding food preparation and safety. Parents can access nutrition information, advice on feeding their child (from weaning to preschool) and recipes, all designed to help them prepare delicious homemade meals for their babies.

BPP: How did you decide to launch Taste & See?

CC: I founded my business in January 2011 after my sister-in-law, Mercedes, and I shared the experience of raising our sons together. They were born less than two days apart! We shared in the journey of learning about healthy & safe foods that we could offer our sons. I saw the benefit of having someone accompanying me on that adventure and launched Taste & See as a result.

BPP: How did your own experiences with feeding your baby impact your role as a child-nutrition educator?

CC: As a first-time parent, I found myself with more questions than answers about when and how to introduce solid food to my son. It was overwhelming. I turned to my family, friends, books, and on-line resources for answers, but found that just as I finally knew what to do for Caleb, he was moving on to the next phase! My search for answers took up precious time that I could have spent with my son as an infant. The upside was that I learned so much about the variety of food available to my family as I expanded the foods I offered to my son during the different stages.

Throughout this experience, I thought about how parents could really benefit from a resource designed to educate them about introducing healthy, fresh and homemade food EARLY in the process, rather than as they went along. I decided to create a program that offers recipes and invaluable information about nutrition and feeding. In addition, the services include food demonstrations and hands-on workshops for parents who are beginners in the kitchen and are ready to learn basic cooking skills. Honestly, I wish this guidance was available to me during my son’s first year!

BPP: What are the most common concerns you hear from new parents about feeding their little ones?

CC: 1) Knowing if their baby is ready to start solid food, 2) Difficulty navigating the food guidelines for introducing foods, and 3) Wondering if their baby is getting enough food. Parents feel overwhelmed by either the lack of information or the overwhelming surplus of information about introducing solids to infants. They have to make important decisions about whether to use commercial baby food or to prepare their own. Some parents have minimal support and information.

Taste & See Healthy Baby Food alleviates the concerns of many parents and offers guidance on introducing foods from weaning to preschool. Preparing homemade foods should not be scary or difficult. Instead, the experience of introducing foods to a baby should be fun and exciting!

BPP: When do you recommend parents begin to take your classes?

CC: I recommend that parents participate in an instructional class or schedule an in-home workshop when their baby is 5 months and older. This is based on the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommendation on when to start solid foods with your baby. There is a 4-week supply of baby food prepared during the hands-on in-home workshop — the food made can remain in the freezer for 30 days (or up to 3 months). Parents can have a freezer full of food prepared for when their baby is ready to start solids! Taste & See Healthy Baby Food offers information about nutrition and feeding from weaning to preschool.

BPP: How do you structure your classes? Is it like a traditional cooking class? Do the parents get hands-on experience?

CC: Taste & See offers two instructional one-hour classes – Homemade Baby Food 101: Fresh & Simple! (0-12 months) and Finger Foods & Lunch Box Ideas (12 months and older). The classes are comprehensive and discuss child development, basic cooking skills, age-appropriate food guidelines, nutritional recipes and more. The classes include comparisons of store bought and homemade baby food, food tastings and a demonstration for consistency and texture of foods. The classes offer food suggestions for parents using the puree method and the baby-led weaning method. In addition, there are classes on special topics offered throughout the year.

Taste & See Healthy Baby Food offers three hands-on workshops in the convenience of the parents’ kitchen. The hands-on workshops are divided up based on food stages – New Taste & Textures (4-8 months), Beyond Purees (8-12 months) and Super Eaters (12 months and older). The puree method is used to prepare homemade baby food during the workshops.

The information shared during the classes and hands-on workshops give parents a foundation of information to build on for their family’s health and well-being. Parents can also participate in seasonal classes at the farmers market to learn about fresh produce that can be used to prepare homemade foods for their child and their family. The services provided are personalized to meet the needs of each family.

BPP: What are the benefits of the hands-on workshops in the home?

Of all the services provided by Taste & See Healthy Baby Food, my personal favorite is the hands-on workshops. Parents have the option to schedule a private or a group workshop in the comfort of their own home. These workshops are a fun, unique and affordable way to enjoy the company of friends and family at any cooking skills level – beginner, intermediate, or accomplished chefs. They consist of a 2 ½ hour lesson with instruction and the hands-on preparation of a four-week supply of homemade baby food. There are a variety of workshop options: private, couples, moms groups. Parents can have fun in the kitchen while they prepare healthy and homemade foods for their children.

BPP: You are a Master-degreed social worker with over 20 years of experience working with families and caregivers within Texas Department of Protective Services. How does this experience impact how you work with parents and build partnerships in the community?

CC: I am clearly passionate and committed to the safety, protection and well-being of children. My experience with my son’s introduction to food from the time he was an infant to preschool expanded my commitment to include early childhood nutrition. I believe that the healthy food choices we make for our babies lead to healthier food choices for our family’s future. Our family’s health depends on good nutrition.

BPP: Do you often see food allergies and/or sensitivities in the families you serve? How do you accommodate for these?

CC: Taste & See Healthy Baby Food educates families about food allergies and food intolerances. We consider a variety of factors, including when to introduce allergenic foods and family history of food allergies and sensitivities. In addition, the parents are taught the 4-day rule to watch for potential food reactions. If parents know their baby is at risk for significant food allergy, they are directed to their pediatrician for medical evaluation and treatment.

BPP: How do parents feel that they benefit from taking a class or scheduling an in-home workshop?

Parents feel empowered by the information about nutrition, food preparation, recipes and tips they get during classes and workshops. Instead of feeling fearful and uncertain about introducing foods, they feel informed and excited about preparing homemade foods. Parents feel confident that they can provide the healthiest start to their little one.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?

Have fun and make memories. Relax! Food in the first year complements either breast- or bottle-feeding for your baby. If parents have unrealistic expectations when introducing foods to their little one it can create a very stressful experience. Keep these things in mind: (1) There is no rush in starting to introduce foods. (2) If a baby does not like a food you offer then wait a few days or weeks and try again. (3) It’s going to be a messy experience. Babies and toddlers explore food with their hands and learn about taste and textures when they eat. It’s up to parents to remain calm and to support their child’s learning experience. Let it be a fun experience in which you bond with your child. Capture the funny faces and the big messes by taking pictures and videos so the memories will be forever remembered.

Thank you Cheryl for sharing about this incredible resource available to new parents! As we always say, we really wish we knew you when we had newborns. C & K ♥

If you want to learn more about Cheryl’s classes, workshops, recipes or food tips, check out her website at: http://tasteseebabyfood.com/

You can also follow Taste & See Healthy Baby Food on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/tasteandseehealthybabyfood

Partners in Parenting :: Wednesday Wisdom

February 4, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet Carolyn Opps. She is the Co-Founder and Program/Volunteer Coordinator with Austin-based Partners in Parenting, an organization that coordinates neighborhood-based support groups for new parents. Carolyn is a master-degreed teacher who has lived and traveled all over the world. After settling down and starting a family with her husband in Austin, she and her mother’s group friend, Krista Miller, decided to launch a non-profit organization aimed at providing much-needed support for moms and dads with new babies. We were eager to talk to Carolyn and learn more about PIP because its mission is so incredibly aligned with BPP’s focus on self-care and parental support.

BPP: Can you share how the organization, Partners in Parenting (PIP) was founded and what its mission is?

CO: A little over a year ago, Krista and I got together so that our kids could play, and decided that Austin was in need of neighborhood-based support groups for new parents. When we had our children, we looked for an organization that would help connect us with other new parents, but were unable to find what we were looking for. Krista, having been raised in Seattle, knew about a nonprofit there that had been creating neighborhood based support groups for over 30 years. We decided to give them a call, and they were very open to us implementing their program in Austin. While PIP is an independent nonprofit, the format of the groups is based on a model that has worked well in Seattle for many years. Our mission is to enable families to meet the challenges of parenting through mutual support and shared information, so that no new parent feels isolated, ill-equipped, or uninformed during their parenting adventure.

BPP: How did your own experience as a parent influence your decision to start PIP?

CO: I think I took every prenatal birthing class available to prepare for labor, and maybe read a book or two to prepare for parenting. While the classes were valuable, the best takeaways were the connections I made. I met Krista (the other PIP co-founder) and five other amazing moms-to-be at the classes. We all realized that we were due in March, so we decided to form the March Mamas group. We met once before we delivered, and about a month after having our babies. We began meeting weekly for play-dates, and monthly for mom’s night out. The advice, empathy, and camaraderie that I received from this group of women were life changing. Now that our children are all turning 3, we still see each other often and remain a strong influence in each other’s lives. My experience with my mom’s group helped to ease my transition into parenthood, and I felt that others should have the same experience.

BPP: When can parents join a PIP group? Do they have to have a newborn?

CO: Parents can join a PIP group as soon as they find out they’re pregnant up until their child is 9 months old. Our Newborn PIPsqueaks groups are for babies 0 – 4 months old, and our Baby PIPsqueaks groups are for babies 4 – 10 months. In order to give us plenty of time to find a group for you, signing up before having the baby is strongly encouraged. We generally try to have at least four participants in a certain neighborhood to create a group, so having some lead-time to organize the groups and find a facilitator is helpful.

BPP: How often do groups meet and what typically happens during a meeting? What sets them a part from a regular play group?

CO: The Newborn groups meet for 90 minutes each week for 12 weeks, and the Baby groups meet for 8 weeks. Each session starts with the facilitator asking the parents to share highs and lows from the past week. The group then takes 10 minutes to learn some new songs to sing to the babies. Parents have time to talk during a food break, and then the final 45 minutes is spent discussing a particular topic for the week. We always begin with sleeping and eating as our first two topics as they are definitely the most perplexing and pressing. We have a list of guest speakers, who are experts in certain areas, who sometimes join the group to discuss the topic about which they are knowledgeable.

A PIP group is different from a play group for a few key reasons: The groups are led by a trained facilitator, the sessions are structured to include specific topics to help the parents, and the work of finding a group of like minded new parents to connect with is done by PIP.

BPP: Now that you have been coordinating PIP groups for some time, what do you see as the greatest benefits for the parents? How about the babies?

CO: By far the greatest benefit of joining a PIP group is the connection you make with other parents in your area. Watching parents find their “village” is genuinely satisfying. The moms and dads in our groups have continued to get together and bond long after their PIP session has ended, which is has been our best determinant of success. I also think that parents who are able to feel that they aren’t alone in their struggles better adapt to the challenges they’re facing. To hear a mom say, “I cried on the way over here”, and other moms join in to say, “I cried for no reason today” allows them all to validate their feelings and to know that what they’re experiencing is perfectly normal.

The benefit to the babies is indirect but just as important. PIP is addressing the needs of new families based on the Five Protective Factors of Family Wellness: social connections, secure attachment, parental resilience, knowledge of parent and child development, and concrete support. We believe that when families are strengthened, the overall health of the community is improved. That includes the children! Essentially, happy parents = happy children.

BPP: Are the groups dad-friendly or are they targeted primarily toward moms?

CO: PIP groups are absolutely dad-friendly! We offer daytime and evening groups. The daytime groups are for moms, and the evening groups are for both partners.

BPP: PIP is a non-profit organization. How do you get your funding? Do parents pay to participate?

CO: We receive our funding from donations, grants, fundraisers, and program fees. Participants pay $150 for the Newborn group, and $100 for the Baby group. We offer scholarships to families who are not able to afford the program fee. To learn more about why we charge a program fee, please check out the FAQ section of our website.

BPP: Can you share a story from a parent who has really benefited from involvement in PIP?

CO: Sure! This is a testimony from a parent who participated in one of our spring sessions:

“The best part of being in a PIP group was meeting other parents, hearing their stories, and being able to share mine – learning from one another, person to person, is markedly different from reading resources online… while every baby and parent is different, the biggest takeaway was just that: every baby and parent IS different… we make different choices, we prioritize different ideals, we struggle in different areas, and our babies have their own challenges and developmental paces. While I wouldn’t say my pregnancy was hard, I would say it was isolating, which at times felt very hard; as a fairly social individual in general, I all of a sudden didn’t have a local support group. While I reveled in becoming a Mom, and threw myself into reading and learning all that I could, finding the PIP group was without question a massive boon to my weekly confidence: I could listen, share, and bond with a group of people who could directly empathize and offer support, all while exposing my little one to other babies and an outside experience that was fun and stimulating to her.”

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to a new parent, what would it be?

CO: Remember to take care of your needs! It’s easy to fall into a baby-centric world, but self-care is a necessity. It’s hard, but take an hour or two to do something that’s just for you (a hair cut, shopping, quiet time reading at a park, etc.). You don’t have to do it all yourself, so bring in your village to help!

Thank you to Carolyn for filling us in on this amazing resource that is available in the Austin community. Check out the Partners in Parenting website to learn more about their organization and find out how you can register for one of their neighborhood-based groups. You can also follow them on Facebook or Twitter to stay in the loop. If you don’t live in the Central Texas area, and are curious about similar organizations in your area or state, check out this link.

Thanks again, Carolyn. We wish we had access to a PIP group when we were new moms! – C & K ♥

Mother’s Milk Bank :: Wednesday Wisdom

January 8, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet Kim Updegrove. She is the Executive Director of the Mothers’ Milk Bank at Austin, and the Immediate Past President of the Human Milk Banking Association of North America. She holds Master’s degrees in both Public Health and Nursing and is a Certified Nurse Midwife. She’s an impressive lady! We wanted to chat with Kim to learn all about the in’s and out’s of the Austin Milk Bank. The Austin bank, and similar milk banks worldwide, have an ongoing and urgent need for donor milk so they can get breast milk to the smallest of our babies.

BPP: Can you give us some background on how the Mother’s Milk Bank got started and what its mission is?

KU: The mission of the Mothers’ Milk Bank at Austin (MMBA) is to save babies’ lives by providing prescribed donor human milk. Healthy lactating mothers are screened before they can donate their milk, and once approved, their milk is pasteurized, tested nutritionally and bacteriologically, and dispensed to premature and other vulnerable infants.

In 1999, two neonatologists—Dr. Sonny Rivera and the late Dr. George Sharpe—founded the Milk Bank in response to their mounting frustration at seeing premature infants who were fed formula experience serious, often fatal, complications, while those that received their mother’s milk thrived. Babies small enough to fit in your hand have a greatly increased risk of developing life-threatening conditions if fed formula, which is made of cow’s milk. The most common of these is necrotizing enterocolitis, a devastating condition causing death of intestinal tissue and subsequently a mortality rate of more than 60%. Those who survive often suffer lifelong complications as a consequence. Babies who receive only human milk feedings have a greater than 75% reduction in their risk of NEC, but mothers of babies born very early are least able to produce enough of their own milk for their babies. Donor human milk is provided when mom’s milk is unavailable.

Premature birth affects one in eight babies, and many mothers with babies in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) struggle to produce adequate—if any—breast milk. The stress of extended NICU stays on a mother can severely limit or even terminate milk production. That is why for the past fifteen years, the Mothers’ Milk Bank has been saving lives of preterm infants by providing more than nine million meals of donor human milk to babies whose mothers cannot provide their own. We currently serve 115 hospitals in twenty states, as well as approximately 20 outpatients in central Texas and beyond. In 2014 alone, MMBA dispensed 470,000 ounces of milk to over 2,685 babies.

BPP: We hear the message frequently, “Breast is best.” In your own words, can you explain why breast milk is so beneficial to newborns and older babies?

KU: Breast milk is best for both infants and mothers. That’s a very simple statement to summarize a very complicated set of benefits. Babies fed breast milk receive the benefit of a species-specific food substance created just for them – meeting their nutritional, immunological, and growth needs. Breast milk-fed babies experience decreased infections, intestinal diseases, cardiovascular disease, obesity, and diabetes, to name just a few benefits. The milk changes over time reflecting the changing needs of their own bodies – in other words, it is made perfectly for them, protecting them and promoting their growth from day one, and protecting them from chronic diseases through old age. Fullterm babies need milk until at least 12 months; mothers and infants determine together whether or not it makes sense to continue beyond that first birthday. Breastfeeding is also important for the mother, as it decreases her postpartum bleeding, can help prevent another immediate pregnancy, enhances the emotional bond with her baby, burns 500 calories per day, and decreases her risks of obesity, diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and cancer.

BPP: Who qualifies to receive milk from the bank? How do they go about receiving donations?

KU: I believe that all babies deserve human milk. Not everyone chooses to breastfeed their infant, but unfortunately there isn’t enough donor milk to cover all of those infants, so milk is prioritized for the most fragile infants. Typically, this means that infants under 1500 grams, or 3 1/2 pounds, receive donor human milk until they are mature enough for a trial of formula.

Donor milk is dispensed by prescription to those with a medical need. Most of these babies are in the hospitals, but about 50 babies in homes receive milk each year as well. These babies either have continuing medical issues for which milk will help, or they are healthier babies whose physicians have written a prescription, and the milk bank’s supply of milk allowed them to receive the milk.

BPP: After someone qualifies, how do they receive the milk? Is it delivered or do they pick it up?

KU: Recipients of donor milk can be anywhere in the US, as milk is shipped frozen to the families via Federal Express. Families in the Austin area can pick up the milk directly from the milk bank.

BPP: We know that you are always looking for qualified donors and that right now you have a shortage of milk. What makes a breastfeeding mom a good candidate to be a donor?

KU: Every healthy breastfeeding mother with an infant under the age of one year could potentially save lives of infants if she would call the milk bank to be screened. The phone interview takes approximately 15 minutes, and if she appears to be an acceptable donor, she is sent paperwork to complete and return, and a lab form to take to have her blood tested. Most moms qualify and can donate milk already pumped as well as what they express and store going forward. The most common reason for not qualifying is use of medication that might be risky for a preterm infant, but moms should call and let us make that determination. The phone number is: 1.877.813.MILK (6455)

BPP: If a mom wants to donate, what is the process? Do they use their own pump? Do they drop off the milk?

KU: Moms express and store their milk in the freezer, using their own pumps or manually expressing the milk. One extra ounce pumped per day is approximately 3 meals for a preterm infant, so, literally, every drop counts. Moms in the Austin area drop off their milk at the milk bank; moms in other cities in Texas may have a milk collection site near them where they can also drop off the milk (see our website for the locations or our sites), and other moms will ship their milk to us at our expense using the coolers and Federal Express paperwork we send them.

BPP: Is the milk treated or pasteurized in any way after you receive it? How do you store your surplus?

KU: Breastmilk is a body fluid containing all of the bacteria and viruses found in our bodies. Our own babies are okay drinking our milk because they are also exposed to our immune systems and acquire our antibodies to protect them. Recipients of donor milk are foreign to us, or rather, our milk is foreign to them. Donated milk is safe for the milk bank staff to work with, but not safe for a fragile infant to drink, so the milk is heat processed in order to get rid of the viruses and bacteria we all shed in our body fluids. It is processed in a gentle way that eradicates the things that could harm a baby, while maintaining those things that the baby needs, such as fat and protein, antibodies, and growth factors. The milk is stored in freezers while awaiting final testing to verify that it is safe, and then it is sent to hospitals or outpatients. The milk is also nutritionally tested so that we can match a baby’s need with the components of the milk.

BPP: For new moms who are unable to breastfeed and do not qualify to receive donor milk from the Milk Bank, do you have any suggestions or advice on how they can provide the best possible nutrition to their newborn?

KU: Most full-term infants will be okay with some formula, so no one should beat themselves up if they cannot breastfeed. Because human milk is best for the baby, however, it is always worth a phone call to the milk bank (512-494-0800) to see if our supply is supportive of some healthier infants receiving milk. If donor milk is unavailable, and breastfeeding is not possible, the only other breast milk substitute is formula. Informal sharing of milk appears to be quite common, and yet, is not recommended because of the risks associated with sharing body fluids. Many women who feel that they cannot breastfeed could benefit from the assistance of a lactation consultant, so I encourage all who are frustrated with their efforts to seek support. (Brian the Birthguy is one of BPP’s favorites.)

BPP: Can you share a special story with us about a family that benefitted from the Milk Bank’s services?

KU: Every baby who receives donor milk is special to us, but the following story, submitted by the family, illustrates how important donor milk is to a family with an infant born at risk.

John and Sam were born at a very early 26 weeks and 4 days gestation due to Premature Rupture of Membranes (PROM). They both weighed less than 2 pounds each and were quickly issued multiple diagnoses, including Respiratory Distress Syndrome, retinopathy, osteopenia (brittle bones) and anemia.

From the outset I knew that breast milk could make all the difference, and as the situation would have it, my own production came to an abrupt end after 7 weeks. It literally pained me. How could we do our best for them without the best possible nutrition? Thankfully, St. David’s excellent NICU covered my loss with donated milk until 37 weeks, when they switched to formula and discovered that Sam was intolerant, so Sam continues receiving donor milk in our home. Having access to donated milk has saved his life, and we believe that continued availability as they’ve grown has enabled a safe passage to complete recovery for both.

John and Sam are 6.5 months old (adjusted age) now. John weighs almost 19 pounds and Sam 16.5. Both are healthy and growing with no health concerns and are happy, chatty (in syllables!) and resilient. Nobody expected this outcome less than us. We are forever grateful to the compassionate and giving-hearted mothers who played an important part in helping this come to pass. Thank you.

Many thanks to Kim for filling us in on this incredible and life-saving resource that we have here in Austin. As we mentioned earlier, they have an ongoing and urgent need for more donors, so please check out their website or give them a call (1.877.813.MILK (6455) if you have even the tiniest amount to share! C & K ♥

We also wanted to share some words from two friends of BPP who successfully donated buckets and buckets of milk to MMBA when they were breastfeeding:

Meredith O’Brien (mother to two boys) – I was blessed with an abundance of milk after having each of my children. I had so much milk that it was really uncomfortable, and I was having to pump 2-3 times a day in addition to feeding my hungry baby. At first I would dump the milk down the drain, but then somewhere, from someone (probably some random mom at a jumpy gym) I heard about Austin’s Mother’s Milk Bank.

I called the Milk Bank and said I’d like to be a donor. They were very glad to hear from me, and asked if I’d like to come tour the facility. I put Timmy in the BabyBjorn and headed over. I was given a comprehensive tour of the milk bank, and was amazed at how organized the process it was. They showed me where all the milk is stored and how it is tested. They explained to whom my milk would go, how it would get there, and how appreciated it would be. Naively, due to my clear privilege, I never realized how many babies are born to mothers who are unable to nurse, be it due to a lack of milk, or drugs, or many other reasons. The overwhelming feeling I got from the Mother’s Milk Bank was how appreciative they were of my willingness to donate. I told them it was a two way street — I was pumping so much out of a need for physical relief. What I felt after I started to donate was an incredible sense of emotional relief. I was helping babies! I was helping their parents! It felt really good on so many levels. I would fill up my freezer with bags of milk clipped shut with a little pink clip — probably four – five bags a day at least. We didn’t have room in the freezer for ice cream!

My one issue, I told the people at the Milk Bank, was transporting the milk to the bank. I felt overextended with my activities at home, and wasn’t sure how I would get the milk to the Bank every week. They immediately enlisted the aid of a Junior League member who would come to my home at the end of each week with a large igloo cooler, collect the frozen bags of milk, and take it to the facility. She was a Godsend.

My entire experience of donating breast milk, from beginning to end, was positive and fulfilling. And easy! I’m so glad that places like this exist in the world — it makes me feel like things really do work out if we work together.

Linda Classen (mother to a boy and girl) – I enjoyed donating to the Milk Bank. It was very rewarding because I knew babies were going to benefit from my milk. I was fortunate enough to be able to produce enough milk to share with other babies.

Thank you for sharing your experiences ladies. You two rock and we’re sure that many premature babies benefited!

On Raising Boys :: Wednesday Wisdom

November 26, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet Dr. Max Wachtel. He is a trained forensic psychologist with a clinical practice in the Denver, Colorado area. One of his main focuses is helping parents improve their kids’ lives. He is also the 9News Psychologist for KUSA TV in Denver, where he regularly produces content highlighting new psychological research and parenting resources. He is a marathon runner and was an avid snowboarder (until he broke his collarbone last year–this year he is feeling less enthusiastic about that endeavor). He is also the recent author of The One Rule For Boys: How Empathy and Emotional Understanding Will Improve Just About Everything For Your Son. We wanted to chat with him about his new book, which is getting loads of attention and praise, and learn more about the work he is doing to partner with parents of boys.

BPP: You have practiced for many years as a forensic psychologist. What initially drew you to work with criminal offenders and the court system?

MW: For years prior to grad school, I was fascinated by crime and by the law. I also had a strong interest in figuring out what makes people tick. In school, I focused on assessment and testing, and it seemed natural to combine that with my interest in forensics. I find it intriguing to evaluate people who have done some extremely bad things and try to figure out their mental state. I have worked with murderers, sex offenders, and domestic abusers–one of the most amazing things I learned is just how ‘normal’ many of these criminals are (not counting the psychopaths). For most of them, a more stable childhood and/or good mental health treatment would have likely kept them from ending up in jail.

BPP: Later in your career, you switched gears and added parenting to your areas of expertise. How did your work with the prison population prepare you for consulting on parenting issues?

MW: Another surprising revelation from my work was the similarity in the stories I heard from offenders’ childhoods. Abuse, emotional neglect, a lot of strife in the home–these are extremely common for people who end up in jail. I don’t want to say it is their parents’ fault, because I work with adult offenders who make their own good or bad choices. But, many of these offenders started life off on the wrong foot, which probably made it harder for them to succeed. Because of those common stories, it occurred to me that I am in a unique position to help parents. I have heard the absolute worst in parenting stories (things that I sometimes still picture when I close my eyes at night) — and I also know most parents do a pretty good job with their kids. But, everyone can be better, and when I have the opportunity to help struggling parents turn their family around, I feel like I am making a difference.

Dr. W and his kids gearing up for the snow.

BPP: In what ways did becoming a father impact your work in the jail system and in your counseling practice?

MW: I have discovered that being a dad and spending a lot of time in jail (as an evaluator, not an offender) are often incompatible. First, every time I go to a jail to meet with an inmate, I see an adult there with a young child who is going to visit his or her incarcerated parent. It breaks my heart to think that these kids are becoming so familiar with jail at such a young age. Secondly, it has been a lot harder for me to shake off the horrible things some offenders have done to their children. At the same time, becoming a dad was a major motivator for me to do more than evaluate and assess for psychopathology. In addition to that work, which I still enjoy, having kids of my own made me want to help improve the lives of parents and children in order to avoid major problems in the future.

BPP: You are a well-known TV personality in Denver and make regular appearances on 9News as a parenting expert. What are some of the parenting topics that you are asked to speak about?

MW: Yes, in addition to my clinical practice, I am the 9News Psychologist. I am on television several times per week discussing a wide range of issues. 9News is owned by a company with news outlets nationally, so I am often asked to comment on national crime stories that have a psychological angle to them — school shootings, domestic abuse, unusual behavior, and child abuse are the most common. I talk about issues ranging from what causes people to do the things they do, to the effects of crime on the victim, to handling crime-induced PTSD. In Denver, a big ongoing story is the Aurora theater shooting. Several of my students from when I taught at the University of Denver were in the theater that night, and one of them was killed. That is always a tough topic for me to discuss.

On a more positive note, I am able to contribute original content for 9News as well, so I tend to focus on parenting issues whenever I get the chance. I talk about the importance of empathy, dealing with bullies, online issues, discipline, and other parenting tips.

BPP: Do you consult with parent and families one-one-one? If so, what issues do you typically help families with?

MW: I do work with families one-on-one on occasion. Typically, this is when a family is having difficulty with one of their kids, and I am called in to help assess the situation and develop a treatment plan. Most of my parenting work comes through the media and my new book, though.

BPP: You recently released your new book, The One Rule For Boys. Congrats! Can you share what inspired you to write this book aimed at the parents of boys?

MW: Let me start with the negative inspiration first: About a year after the Aurora theater shooting, where one of my former students was killed and I witnessed the trauma inflicted upon his family and friends, Newtown happened. I heard the news that morning, and I almost immediately threw up. It hit me so hard–I cried pretty much all day. I alternated between being semi-catatonic and doing interviews for news agencies all over the globe. My last interview wrapped up at 11:30 PM, and it was for a morning Sky News broadcast in London. When I was done with the interview, I collapsed emotionally, but I also decided I needed to write a book that could have the potential to eliminate the horror of school shootings.

Now for the positive inspiration: After a few weeks of mulling it over, I realized that, as horrendous as school shootings are, the vast majority of parents do not raise little psychopaths. They are good people raising good kids. But, the fact still remains that we can do better as a society in raising boys who are assertive as opposed to aggressive. Boys who treat others with respect. Boys who stand up for what is right. Most parents are already doing a decent job, and I wanted to write a book that improves upon that. After reading hundreds of studies and giving it a lot of reflective thought, it turns out that teaching parents to encourage empathy and emotional understanding in their boys is the key. It may be surprising to learn, but those skills improve just about every area of a boy’s life.

BPP: Both Cheryl and I have little guys, and will be definitely be picking up a copy. Can you give us a preview of a few of your main points?

MW: A few of the big points from the book:

Model the behavior you want your kids to display. Whether it seems like it or not, they are watching you, and they are copying you. They will pick up your good behaviors, but they will also very quickly pick up bad habits too.
There is a major difference between empathy, sympathy, and compassion. It is important to understand these differences in order to know how to teach your boys to be empathic. It can be good to be compassionate, and it can be good to be sympathetic–but empathy is what will give you the most bang for your buck. It will help your boys do better in school, have more friends, be in healthier romantic relationships, get into college, be happier in life, be more assertive, be better leaders, and get better jobs.
Don’t panic. You are not the perfect parent. You don’t need to be the perfect parent. You are probably already doing a good job with your boys. But, you can probably tweak a few things in order to go from good to great!

BPP: Do you feel like there are challenges that are unique to raising a son? If so, what are they?

MW: In many ways, boys and girls are very similar. I cover this research in my book — boys and girls are born with the same levels of empathy, aggression, anger, impulsivity, and lovingness. If there is anything unique about boys, it is in the way our society socializes them compared to girls. And, many of what are considered to be traditionally masculine traits are causing problems for boys. For example, it is becoming less socially acceptable to be overly aggressive, hostile, and domineering. It is less socially acceptable to bully or to sexually harass someone, and men are not being rewarded in the same way for this outmoded type of behavior. As a result, girls are now doing better in school than boys. Women are graduating from college at higher rates. They are starting to gain more leadership positions in both the public and private sector. They are starting to take over the world — and that is not a bad thing! Except, if we continue to raise generation after generation of boys who cannot keep up with the amazing women of the world, that is going to be a problem. I want to help fix that.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saver to expectant or new parents, what would it be?

MW:

Don’t try to be the perfect parent. It will drive you crazy. Just try to be good enough, and hang on for the ride.
Don’t isolate yourself from the world. It can be hard when you are exhausted and busy, but the more you get out with your little ones, the happier you will be.
Buy a lot of cloth diapers. Even if you are using disposables with your kids, cloth diapers work extremely well as burp cloths, barf rags, spill wiper uppers, and so on. They are really cheap, easy to wash, and you can cram a bunch of them in a diaper bag very easily. My kids are six and eight, and to be honest, I kind of miss having the cloth diapers around. They are really handy.

Thank you Dr. Wachtel for taking the time to talk to us about the impactful work you are doing with parents!

If you are interested in purchasing his book, The One Rule For Boys, you can order a copy directly from his site and he will personally sign it, just for you. As Dr. Wachtel says, “They make great holiday gifts. After all, nothing says, ‘I think you are doing it wrong’ like receiving a parenting book from a friend or loved one.” Ha, ha – we agree Dr. W! C & K ♥

Follow Dr. Wachtel – he’s a lot of fun!

On Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/drmaxwachtel

On Twitter at: http://www.twitter.com/mwachtel

Read all about his great book at his Amazon page: http://www.amazon.com/author/drmaxwachtel

The Rockstar Mama :: Wednesday Wisdom

October 28, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet Jennifer Zavaleta. She is an incredibly talented songstress and musician who began singing at age 3 in a small-town Georgia church. After moving to Austin, Texas in 2000, Jennifer was instantly immersed in the thriving music scene. She’s been a member of numerous music groups over the past 15 years, ranging from tribal pop to jazz & blues, party bands and acoustic trios. She continues to draw a crowd at well-known Austin jazz clubs such as The Elephant Room and Brasshouse when she performs with Magnificent 7 and Monster Big Band. Jennifer lives with her husband and daughter in Wimberley, Texas but spends a good amount of time touring and making media appearances with her exciting new band, The Mrs.. We wanted to chat with Jennifer to find out how she balances the roles of parent and successful musician, and learn about the positive and unique message that The Mrs. is spreading throughout the country.

BPP: Tell us about your path to becoming a professional singer. Did your family expose you to any music lessons and singing or did you pick it up on your own?

JZ: I was exposed to music in the womb! My mom sang in church choir and I followed suit at age three singing solos on Sunday morning. I was also in youth choir, and my parents provided piano lessons for my sister and me. In my teenage years, I sang in a cover band with some friends playing covers of Dust in the Wind, Man in the Box, and Hotel California. Long live classic rock. We could throw down with some Metallica too. In college, I started singing in karaoke contests, and then around age 20 I was in my first original music group. We would play open mics and coffee shops, covering Pink Floyd tunes and playing originals. Soon after that I started singing with a well-known cover band in Austin Texas, Rotel and the Hot Tomatoes. This is where all my stage confidence was built as a performer. Singing, dancing, and acting like a crazy person while having a blast with my bandmates on stage really helped me to grow into a comfortable space as a performer. If you’ve never seen Rotel and the Hot Tomatoes, I suggest you seek them out…they put on a fun show. I started writing music in my early twenties when my now husband bought me a guitar as a gift, and I added this music to the poetry I’d been writing since my teen and college years. Aside from some childhood piano classes, I didn’t really take music lessons until about a year ago. I am mostly an “ear” musician, meaning I don’t really read music, and when I write, I do it because I think it sounds good, not because of any particular knowledge of music theory. It’s all an experiment.

BPP: How and when do you recommend exposing young children to music and instruments? Does music play a role in your relationship with your daughter?

Jennifer & Rowan

JZ: Yes, music absolutely plays a role. I believe that music is innate in all of us, so the sooner kids are exposed the better. Rowan was exposed to music like I was- in utero, hearing me play guitar and feeling the vibrations of me singing and humming. We bought her a ton of baby music CDs that we would play in her room. Everything from world music nursery rhymes to a Beatle’s piano cover album. I sang her to sleep and still do sometimes. She’s been singing since she was tiny. We bought her a keyboard and little pink guitar. We signed her up for violin at age 6 at her request, then let her stop when she told us she wanted to. I don’t want to push anything on her, but I want her to experiment. She has since shown interest in drums, guitar and piano. I have a feeling she will always sing like I do, and if she picks up another instrument along the way, then great. We will support her in that for sure! Music plays a huge role in our relationship. She’s got a great little voice, and a good ear for melody. I love hearing her sing.

BPP: What was the transition like to parenthood when your daughter was born? Did you have to take a break from performing?

JZ: I was pregnant when I left Rotel and the Hot Tomatoes, and the costumes had just started to get tight. The band had been very busy traveling and playing almost every weekend, so switching gears to a desk job was interesting. For two years, I did very little in the music world besides singing and writing music at home. It was a major change. I slowed down for a while, and went through the emotional roller coaster of becoming a new parent. When my daughter was two, I auditioned for another band and got back in the Austin circuit playing weddings and corporate parties with various cover bands for the next six years. I also started singing with a couple of jazz groups during this time. Occasionally I would play out in coffee shops with my indie-folk music, or in a blues group on 6th Street with my husband. I also sang at church quite regularly.

BPP: Being an integral part of several music acts, you often have to report to work in the evenings and on weekends. How do you balance being a mother, a wife and a professional musician?

JZ: It is crazy. Sometimes I get home at 3 or 4am, or have to be gone for a few days at a time. I feel guilty at times but counter that with the fact that I am in my daughter’s daily life to the point of annoying her on most days. It’s a juggling act just like any other job. I have a supportive husband that helps take over where needed. Our schedules are not completely traditional, but that’s ok for us. We make it work. Sometimes it’s stressful but so was sitting in front of a computer all day when I used to do that.

BPP: What do love about being a singer? Are there any aspects that you are not so fond of?

JZ: I love that it just comes out of YOU. You don’t need another instrument. YOU are your instrument. It’s awesome actually. I love the spiritual aspect to it. The contemplative exercise that it is to sit down and write a song about your feelings, about what’s going on in your head. I can reluctantly go to a gig, not wanting to leave my house when my daughter is getting ready for bed or going to a local football game, not wanting to put on makeup or dress up…but first song into the gig, I feel better. I feel energized. I feel less stressed. It’s a great way to release. Living in Austin, the live music AND allergy capital of the world, my only complaint about singing is having to do it when you sound horrible due to allergies or illness. But again, struggling with allergies or illness in any profession is no bueno.

BPP: You recently joined a new five-women rock band as one of their singers and guitarists. The Mrs. is getting national attention and praise. Can you talk about how this band formed and the message it is trying to get out?

The Mrs.

JZ: This band started with a couple of girlfriends getting together about 5 years ago and deciding that they wanted to start a unique music project with a positive message. They have worked really hard to make it a success. I joined about a year ago after getting an email inviting me to audition. I was very interested in the band’s concept: an all female, majority mom, pop-rock band writing their own music about topics that reach deeper than partying at the club or boyfriend problems. The current message of the band is supported by our first single release, “Enough”, which you can buy on iTunes. The song is essentially communicating, I’m enough. Just the way I am. which is a great anthem for young girls and women everywhere who struggle with self-esteem issues and societal pressures. I could talk for hours about this band, so my suggestion would be to look us up online at www.themrs.com. At our site, you can learn about our “Magic Mirror” movement, which I think everyone on earth could benefit from. Check us out for sure!

BPP: What has it been like traveling on the road with The Mrs.? What kind of response have you received?

JZ: Traveling with any band has always been, and is always a unique, rewarding, and adventurous experience. One of The Mrs.’s most notable performances to date was at BlogHer 2014 in San Jose California. We were very well received by thousands of female bloggers and opened up for Kerry Washington’s keynote speech, which was great. We also took our Magic Mirror (which you have to look up!) to the conference to let the women there experience it. Search on Twitter #imenough and check out some of the photos from that weekend and the shows we’ve done since. There are many good things happening with this band.

BPP: You have attended some amazing events in the last year and met some pretty amazing celebrities. Queen Latifa and Lionel Richie to name a few. What has that experience been like for you and does your family ever feel left out?

JZ: My daughter thinks I’m famous. Ha! I assure her that although I am in a band that happens to travel and attend cool and exciting events (sometimes in a limo), I am certainly not famous. It is really cool to take a look at yourself through your kid’s eyes sometimes. I’m sure that will change in her teen years, so I must appreciate it now! She’s always on my mind though, so when The Mrs. were at the Elton John Oscar party, and we met Elton, I held a note up during our photo op saying “Hi Rowan”. She loves Elton John’s music, so I thought it would be a cool momento for her to have later in life. My husband is very supportive and always tells me to have fun on band trips. He’s a musician too, so he understands all that goes into it, emotionally and physically.

BPP: What can we expect to hear from The Mrs. in the next year? A full album? A concert tour?

JZ: You will have to stay tuned for that! Always check for Mrs. news on themrs.com, and check for my own personal news and mini blog on jenniferzavaleta.com.

BPP: If you have one sanity-saving pointer for new parents, what would it be?

JZ: Don’t stress over every little thing. Let your kids be individuals and don’t compare them to other kids. It’s just not worth it. It’s ok to make mistakes as children and adults, and we all do. Be honest, be humble, try your best. Don’t let guilt overwhelm you. That was more than one sanity saver, but I could go on and on! Every day is a learning experience. I have learned more from my child than I ever knew before. Time flies, and I know that sounds cliché, but I didn’t realize the truth of that statement until I became a parent. Savor every second.

We appreciate Jennifer sharing her experience with BPP! Anyone who sees her perform or spends time talking to her can tell that she exudes the confidence and loving attitude that The Mrs. is sharing with their fans. Let’s face it, all new parents can benefit from the affirming message of “I’m Enough”. If you are in Austin, we highly encourage you to go see Jennifer perform when you have a chance. And keep your eyes peeled for The Mrs. showing up at an event or on a TV program near you. They are on the move and ready to take America by storm! C&K ♥

The Acupuncturist :: Wednesday Wisdom

October 15, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet Jean Busch. Jean is the owner of Kingwood Acupuncture in Kingwood, Texas. Her acupuncture practice has been thriving for 16 years, because she’s so passionate about health and balance, and it shows. Jean worked as a nurse in the hospital setting (ICU/CCU, Medical/Surgery, OB/GYN and Neonatal ICU) for over 20 years before being introduced to Chinese Medicine. She describes her discovery of acupuncture as “life changing,” and has gone on to do amazing things for many, many people… myself included.

Every woman who’s struggled with infertility and then become pregnant has her theory about what made it happen. No two stories seem to be exactly alike. Part of what I personally believe got me pregnant was an acupuncture treatment with Jean. I was venting to her about my frustration, how I felt like I was doing everything I was “supposed” to, and it was getting rough to feel that high and then sinking disappointment month after month. She told me she believed that I was very healthy and fertile, but that my body might just need a “nudge” in the right direction. Jean’s treatment was incredible. I’d never had acupuncture before, and during the session, I felt completely relaxed and as though I was levitating. After, I felt like I’d had a 2 hour full body massage… so, obviously no harm there. Plus, I was pregnant within a month. – C

BPP: Your history is rooted in nursing. What drew you to study and practice acupuncture?
JL: Honestly, I was always disillusioned by western medicine. I was passionate about caring for people, but frustrated and confused about the methods used for chronic illnesses. Having acupuncture myself and for my family and seeing first hand the natural and almost miraculous benefits it provided, showed me that I could use my passion in a way that was totally natural and yet extremely powerful.

BPP: What are some ways acupuncture treatments can help women who are struggling with fertility?
JL: Fertility and all other OB/GYN issues are my favorite things to treat. It doesn’t matter if it’s for a13 year old with menstrual pain, a woman with menopausal imbalances, or someone having a problem getting pregnant, I can honestly say that acupuncture and Chinese medicine have never failed. Maybe it’s because being a woman myself, I know that we experience problems that are so easily treatable by alternative medicine like acupuncture.

BPP: What are some ways acupuncture treatments can help women during pregnancy and after birth?
JL: Chinese Medicine works because it views the human being in a totally different way than allopathic medicine. It sees us as a whole being, not separating mind, body, and spirit. That said, it can diagnose and treat issues based on that perspective. The body is simply assisted to return to a healthy balanced state, it “reminds” it of what it knows to do naturally and on its own. So, for pregnancy, birth and postpartum, acupuncture gently corrects the imbalance and allows the intelligence of our bodies to do what it already knows to do with ease.

BPP: What general health improvements do you find yourself recommending to women over and over?
JL: It probably is the most disappointing advice that I give all my clientele, and that is to eat really healthy foods. That sounds simple, however, our perspective of what constitutes “healthy” can be very different. The medicine of Chinese medicine IS our food, so to speak. Basically, we truly are what we eat. Also, as balanced a lifestyle as we can have. This is a challenge in our hectic lives! It’s a process, but forming habits like yoga, meditation, walking, or whatever we enjoy will help us feel better and better about ourselves.

BPP: What myths about acupuncture do you often find yourself dispelling?
JL: The most common “myth” about acupuncture, to me, is that it’s “just sticking a few needles in some random areas of the body.” Most people don’t realize that it is a Medicine in and of itself. The profession is highly regulated in most states. In Texas, it takes a Masters degree in Oriental Medicine, which takes four full years followed by a national board exam to be a licensed acupuncturist. It is a complex system of understanding the body in a totally different way that we do in western medicine.

BPP: What thoughts do you have on acupuncture for babies and children?
JL: I’ve treated children as young as four years old with acupuncture. It really depends on the child, most are more curious than frightened. We only use a small number of needles in children and use the tiniest little needles. On children younger than that we can use a technique with small silver or gold “pellets” on the acupuncture points. This is actually an extremely effective method and can be used on adults as well. Kids are GREAT! They are so fun, and because they can tell they feel so much better they will ask to come back for more treatments!

BPP: Your practice involves more than needles. What other techniques/treatments do you use for women?
JL: Acupuncture uses very fine needles to tap into the bio electrical energy, called “Qi”, of our bodies to remind it how to return to a balance state of health. That said, I use the needles as my main form of treatment. However, Chinese herbs, diet, and various supplements are an integral part of most acupuncturist regime along with the needles. I also stay with the client and do a form of “healing touch” called medical Qi Gong. This, I would say, is my specialty and believe that it is a powerful tool that eventuates the treatment greatly. Most acupuncturists will develop their own individual “spin” on their treatments as they see what works best for their patients over the years.

BPP: Many moms struggle to incorporate self-care, including acupuncture, massage and therapy treatments. What advice do you have for them?
JL: This is such an important question! How do we, as busy moms, fit in self care?? This is what I continue to learn myself and encourage other women to realize: “Taking care of ourselves is the number one priority!” Our families and the people around us will be healthier and appreciate us more for being happy, healthy and calm ourselves. It is not helpful when we are running around exhausted, frazzled and irritable because we are trying to do everything for everyone else but don’t take the time to take care of ourselves.

BPP: If you could give one sanity saving tip to new parents, what would it be?
JL: The above answer fits this question as well. I also, think that talking with others, sharing our experiences, fears and frustrations is extremely helpful. I am not a psychologist, but I allow my clients to express their feelings and listen with an open mind and heart, which is very therapeutic.
It may sound trite, but I believe that being in a space of an open heart and a loving, nonjudgmental spirit, is the key to finding peace within ourselves and others…allowing our children and others to just be who they are without trying to make them what we judge to be “right”. It will take a huge load off of our shoulders to grasp the concept that we are not the CEOs of the universe, it’s not our job to control our children or others. Our job is to gently care for the general well-being of them, honoring their individual uniqueness.

Thank you Jean, for sharing your beautiful philosophy on holistic health. Your compassion, openness and skills are such amazing gifts!

C&K ♥

The Birth Guy :: Wednesday Wisdom

October 1, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Update 10/2015: Since we interviewed Brian one year ago, a lot of amazing things have been happening for him. He and a team of other dads launched the Rocking Dads Podcast. He went live on Periscope and hasn’t stopped sharing his enthusiasm with the world. And he recently signed contracts in LA with an agent and a producer to launch his own reality show. Look out for The Birth Guy. He’s coming to a screen near you!

Meet Brian Salmon, aka The Birth Guy. Brian is San Antonio’s only actively practicing male doula (or “Dude-La” as he likes to call himself, being a surfer from California). The Birth Guy knew he’d found his calling in birth education and support when he assisted his first birth at 19 years old. Witnessing his daughters, Eva (9) and Daisy (5) both be born by emergency Cesarian delivery reinforced his desire to help parents prepare for childbirth, regardless of how the birth unfolds. Brian is a Certified Lactation Counselor and owns BabyVision Ultrasound, San Antonio’s leader in prenatal imaging. Having worked with over 19,000 expectant families, Brian has taught many childbirth classes and currently facilitates the ever popular Rocking Dads and Facilitating Fearless Birth workshops. Brian has been featured on NBC, FOX, ABC, Univision and the blog, OurMilkyWay.org. And just last week, he began filming a pilot for the new Birth Guy TV Show! We are so excited to feature The Birth Guy on the BPP blog, because his passion for helping new parents is truly one of a kind.

BPP: It is highly unusual to meet a male doula or lactation counselor. How did you find yourself on this career path?

TBG: I sort of fell into it. I was asked to coach a very special birth at the age of 19 while studying pre-med and I loved it. Over the last four years, I have expanded my services and outreach because of the need I’ve seen not only in my community, but in the United States…well, really globally. I saw many birth professionals instill fear in the expectant parents they were working with. I felt like I needed to get out there and make a difference when I realized that too many moms walk away upset and wounded from births.

BPP: You facilitate the wildly popular and very unique Rocking Dads workshops. Your classes are always jam packed. What kind of experience do expectant fathers take away from your workshops?

TBG: I’m going to let the dads speak for me. Here are a few bits of feedback from a book of evaluations I keep:

Brian was awesome. Funny, informative and reassuring. The man definitely knows what he is talking about!
The information about the birth plan was helpful – a lot of great advice about what to do and what not to do.
Brian was excellent – tons of great info in three hours. I feel much better and more prepared. He was understanding and non-judgmental.
All of the advice about breastfeeding and childbirth was great – this workshop could be twice as long.
Brian is no BS – he talks about things at everyone’s level.

Graduates of a Rocking Dads Class

BPP: What are the most common concerns or issues you see with expectant or new dads?

TBG: Most dads need to realize that birth is what mom was designed for, so when she is screaming, moaning, growling, hitting, crying and everything else that happens in labor, he just needs to support and hold space. Dads sometimes feel pushed aside in the process. I teach them to not just be present, but that they have responsibility to be the other half of the parenting team. We cover so much in the class from understanding pregnancy, stages of labor, interventions, breastfeeding, team building, creating a birth plan and millions of other things that go along with the ride.

BPP: You have mastered the skills of lactation educator and counselor/consultant. How do you partner with couples to prepare them for the job of breastfeeding?

TBG: Education, education, education! Some breastfeeding classes are taught, not for success, but by people who want you to hire them when you have problems. I prefer to prepare moms in such a way that they rarely need more than a follow-up phone call after baby arrives. I train the partner to look for common signs of an improper latch, but most of all I encourage them to support and love on mom so that she is calm. It is important for her to take some time to get relaxed with baby. I also train couples to recognize early feeding cues so they have time to latch before the baby freaks out and is screaming for food (which isn’t good for anyone).

BPP: As a birth doula, how do you interact with couples in the delivery room? Do you attend both hospital and home births?

TBG: I go wherever I am needed – different families require different things. Regardless of the birth setting, I make sure that my clients are prepared and that we act as a cohesive unit. When I take on a client, I partner with them on everything: ultrasounds, education, birth visualizations, breastfeeding training and a visit to the hospital or birth center. I love home births as well, but that is a whole other type of doula-ing!

BPP: Do people ever question your ability to advise on breast-feeding or childbirth since you are a man?

TBG: I have definitely experienced healthy doses of reverse discrimination. The only people who ever question my expertise are people who don’t know me or view me as competition (personally, I don’t view other birth professionals as competitors, because there are plenty of expectant couples to help, and that should be our focus!). When an individual gets to know me or takes one of my classes, they get it. There is a reason that multiple lactation consultants support me in teaching free breastfeeding classes every month in San Antonio – I know my stuff!

BPP: Anyone who interacts with you or your website can see that you clearly LOVE your job. You radiate enthusiasm and positivity! What are things you enjoy the most about it?

TBG: I do not feel like I work a day in my life! My favorite moments are when I see a couple embrace with a new kind of intimacy that just radiates love and compassion. I am so excited for all the expectant parents I work with, and even more excited when I know they have really worked hard, together, to achieve the the birth they want. I love when I hear a birth story that may not have been what the couple wanted, but because they were prepared mentally and emotionally, the new outcome does not take away from the joy of a baby and a brand new family dynamic. I love seeing parents really get breastfeeding and work through the speed bumps. And of course, seeing babies be born is a favorite!

BPP: You are a father to two young girls. How does being a dad impact your business and career path?

TBG: It’s more like, how doesn’t it? My girls are phenomenal. They both totally get what I do for work. I often see my clients in public, and they call me “The Birth Guy”. My oldest says that’s the real reason I’m popular, and she may be right! I have learned so much from them both, which translates into a different understanding and perspective in my career. Eva, my oldest, was not at all the pregnancy, birth, or breastfeeding experience I thought she would be. She was exactly the opposite. That paved the way for me to change and redirect my approach/understanding. I learned a new type of compassion which drove me to really teach people what the “dark corners” can be, giving them a metaphorical flashlight. Daisy, my second, was born sick too. We were more prepared, but the journey was different. We were divorcing during the pregnancy, which was horrible. I felt abandoned, while waiting for a baby to arrive, knowing that I would only see both of my kids 1/2 time. It really taught me about strength (and about poor decision-making), and it ultimately shaped me into a much better father, friend and Birth Guy!

BPP: If you had to give one (and we know you have ten million) sanity-saving pointers to expectant or new parents, what would it be?

TBG: Go get educated in birth and breastfeeding, and nurture your relationship, as this will give your baby the best environment. Be careful to not choose mentors who are negative and teach with a fear-based style!

We’ve met a lot of amazing folks in the baby industry, and Brian is one of the true gems. Check out his social media channels and YouTube videos, especially if you are in need of a smile. Thanks for sharing your wisdom with us, Brian! C & K ♥

Want more?

Go to The Birth Guy’s website for classes schedules, doula services and great videos: http://thebirthguy.com/

Like Brian on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/brianthebirthguy

Follow @BirthGuy on Twitter at: http://twitter.com/BirthGuy

Find his videos on YouTube…. more to come: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvfvVfZQc06tpHjXWekt9OA

One last thing – here is an ad that The Birth Guy created to advocate for breastfeeding, wherever a mom needs to, even if it is public:

The Child Sleep Consultant :: Wednesday Wisdom

August 20, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet Lori Strong. She is a Certified Child Sleep Consultant and a Certified Happiest Baby Educator. She is also the founder and owner of Strong Little Sleepers, which was built on the idea that all families need and deserve to get a good night’s sleep. Lori was the first certified child sleep consultant in Austin, Texas and was honored as Best Sleep Expert at the 2013 Austin Birth Awards. Additionally, she is a member of the International Association of Child Sleep Consultants. That’s a lot of sleep credentials! Lori combines her experience as an educator and a parent to offer customized sleep plans and support to families with children ages 0-6 across the country. We are overjoyed to feature Lori’s expertise today because most new parents we know can benefit from some trustworthy sleep advice.

BPP: How did you decide to become a sleep consultant and educator for new parents?

LS: My children were my inspiration! I have an 8 year old son and a 5 year old daughter. I was a teacher before I had kids, so I’ve always been passionate about education. I moved to Austin when I was 34 weeks pregnant and had no family or support system in place right before I had my son. We took classes, but nobody taught me anything about sleep other than to say that “babies sleep a lot”. That advice didn’t help much when my son struggled with sleep and was difficult to soothe. While holding a fussy baby in one arm and reading book after book in the other, I navigated through a ton of information about sleep and put together a plan to help him sleep better. It worked! Before I knew it, I was helping friends and family with their babies and they were all sleeping better too. I realized that so many parents were struggling with sleep and were overwhelmed about where to start in order to make things better. Supporting them made it possible for them to make changes. I decided to become a Certified Child Sleep Consultant because I wanted to take my informal training to a higher level so that I would be prepared to work with all kinds of sleep issues. I love teaching families about how child sleep develops and can be improved, and seeing their families transform when they start to get more sleep.

BPP: What is the age range of children that you consult on?

LS: I work with families who are expecting children through 6 years old. I offer newborn “What to Expect” sleep workshops and Happiest Baby on the Block newborn calming classes to expecting parents and new parents of babies under 4 months. For children over 4 months of age, we are able to begin sleep training if necessary.

BPP: What are the most common sleep issues that parents present to you?

LS: The biggest issues I see are struggles with naps– either they aren’t happening at all or they are very short.

The other main issue I am presented with involves children needing something to put them to sleep, such as rocking or other motion, food, etc… and then they don’t stay asleep. Older children may often come out of their rooms or have difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep without a parent present. There’s such a range of sleep issues depending on the age of the child!

BPP: How do you partner with parents to help them with sleep issues? What does a typical consultation look like?

LS: I offer three levels of support to parents: email, phone, and in-home visits. Each option begins with filling out an intake form. If the parents choose the email support, I communicate through the intake form so we can have a conversation and create a plan through email. The parents then implement recommended changes and use further email as needed to report back to me, ask questions, and celebrate your success. Phone consultations are typically an hour long (Skype is great because we can talk face to face from a distance.) We come up with a plan to help your child sleep better. After our talk, I follow up with a written plan that covers everything we talked about so you can refer to it while making your changes. Once you get started making changes, I support families for two weeks with follow up phone calls and emails. The in-home visit is very similar except that it is a 2-hour consultation in your home, which gives the extra support that comes with meeting someone in person. I also get to meet the children that way, which is one of my favorite parts of the consultation.

BPP: Do you subscribe to any particular infant-sleep philosophies or systems?

LS: I don’t follow one system or method because every child and family is different. I believe that some babies are born as really good sleepers, but some need to be taught how to self-soothe and become strong sleepers. Sleep is a biological need that we all have and the sleep needs of a child are different to those of an adult. I take various aspects of the family into consideration when creating a sleep plan for them which includes sleep environment, temperament of the baby, feedings, timing of sleep, and how the child falls asleep. My plans are very personalized; method is only one part of them.

BPP: What are your thoughts on co-sleeping with an infant?

LS: Controversial question! The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends co-sleeping (sharing a room) with your infant for the first six months of life to help reduce the risk of SIDS. Having a crib or bassinet in the same room as the parents or a co-sleeper attached to the bed are great ways to do this. This can also aid in breastfeeding success. Bed-sharing is not recommended because the SIDS risk is much higher when a baby is placed on a soft mattress with loose bedding and extra people in the bed. My goal is to make sure that when I work with a family, that they are practicing safe sleep. If a family chooses to bed-share, there are precautions that need to be made (just as we take precautions with a safe crib) to ensure the baby will be safe. There are many families that do this and it works well for them. If it is not working for everyone, then I think it’s best to make changes so that the entire family can sleep better. Whether you co-sleep or not, a baby still has certain biological sleep needs that need to be met. That doesn’t change with their sleep location.

BPP: Do you ever advise parents of twins or multiples?

LS: Yes! I’ve worked with many families of multiples. I admire these parents so much because they have super powers! Parents of multiples need to be organized. Keep charts in the bedroom so you can track feedings and sleep for each child. It’s helpful if each parent is responsible for one child at night (if possible). If this isn’t possible, try to employ the help of a relative or friend in those first few months. Scheduling becomes really important for twins because if they are on opposite schedules, your entire day can be spent feeding and trying to get babies to sleep, which is incredibly stressful and exhausting.

BPP: Do you have one suggestion that parents can use right now to help their children sleep better?

LS: An earlier bedtime is a magic bullet. It sounds crazy, but putting your child to sleep earlier will help them sleep longer. This is also true for babies! When children are overtired, they have a harder time falling asleep and staying asleep. If you make an earlier bedtime a priority when trying to improve sleep, your child will begin to get deeper sleep and will eventually sleep longer. This doesn’t mean they will sleep until 10 am, but it really helps in getting them quality sleep. Families always look at me a little funny when I suggest this, but it really does help!

BPP: Do you believe that infants and older children should get a certain number of hours of sleep? Is there a chart that you refer to?

LS: Studies show that children need various hours of sleep during the day and at night depending on their age. I refer to charts by Richard Ferber, the American Academy of Pediatrics, as well as the National Sleep Foundation, but they are suggestions and averages. I focus on the quality of sleep vs. the quantity of sleep when I work with families. If the environment is conducive for a child to sleep and they are given a consistent way to sleep, most children will respond by having healthy sleep habits, will get the necessary sleep they need and will appear to be well-rested and generally happy. I offer a free child sleep expectations guide on my website. You can download it at my website.

BPP: Lastly, do you have any sanity-saving suggestions for parents who are struggling with sleep-deprivation?

LS: Know that you are not alone and that it is possible to make positive changes. I really recommend working with a sleep consultant because chances are, if you’re sleep deprived, you’re too tired to read the books. If you’re looking online for information, you will come up with thousands of articles for and against each other. It can be so daunting and overwhelming and you might want to give up before you even get started. It’s important to understand that it can take some time to see changes, but if you’re consistent, things will really improve.
I also encourage new parents to ask for and accept help! And never trade clean dishes or a clean house for a nap.

For more information about working with Lori or to download a free child sleep expectations guide, visit her website at http://www.stronglittlesleepers.com

We also recommend that you follow Strong Little Sleepers on Facebook and Twitter for sleep tips, news, and giveaways. You can participate in Lori’s bi-weekly Nap Chat Happy Hours – ask a child sleep question and get an answer on the spot, for free!

Thanks again for answering all of our questions, Lori. We wish that we had known you when we were new, sleep-deprived parents!

C & K ♥

Empowering Laboring Moms :: Wednesday Wisdom

August 6, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Meet Wendy Howard. Wendy is the mother of two, a wife, and a Labor and Delivery Nurse with a certification in Inpatient Obstetrical Nursing at UCMB Hospital in Austin, Texas. She also has experience in Emergency Medicine, Critical Care, is a Breastfeeding Resource Nurse, and aspires to become a Certified Nurse Midwife. This is where Wendy’s unique perspective comes in – she had her first baby in a hospital setting, and her second at home with a midwife. She can truly attest, from personal experience, to the benefits and drawbacks of both birth settings. Her passion is Women’s Health, and all things related to pregnancy, labor, delivery and recovery. She strives to give each of her patients a personalized birth experience, fulfilling their hopes whenever possible. One of my favorite things about Wendy is how candid she is – she has a straightforward, honest, yet gentle way of speaking about what women can REALLY anticipate experiencing both during birth and post-nataly.

BPP: What are the biggest joys and challenges of your work as a nurse?

WH: The joys are helping a woman achieve the birth she wants. That’s what I strive for: seeing her empowered, whether that’s completely natural, drug-free with spontaneous labor, or that she tries for a vaginal delivery and winds up having a c-section. When the baby is okay and in her arms – then the outcome is positive no matter what the plan was. It’s a challenge when the plan has to change for some reason (the baby is breech or the mom is post-date or diabetic, and interventions haven’t worked). It’s also challenging when I’m advocating for the mom, but my voice isn’t heard anymore, because it’s the doctor’s call ultimately.

BPP: What are the top three things you wish women were educated on/prepared for when giving birth?

WH:

More than likely, their body knows what to do, and the majority of the time, they could have a vaginal delivery without intervention.
They have the right to refuse any service that they feel might be unnecessary for themselves or the baby.
That they should be as prepared as possible for pain, and have some emotional and mental tools for helping to manage it.

BPP: What are the top three things you wish women were educated on/prepared for post-nataly?

WH:

That a major lack of sleep will be present, and there are ways to manage that with support.
That even though an instinct is there for both mom and baby, breastfeeding education is a must because of its many facets (not all babies will latch well, all nipples aren’t the same, etc).
Your body will never be the same, in both positive and negative ways.

BPP: What are the top three myths that you find yourself dispelling with new parents?

WH:

That breastfeeding will be a breeze, and is a form of contraception: not always, and no it’s not!
That you and your parenting partner will naturally fall into a cohesive team: you have to intentionally communicate and possibly fight to become a team.
That you won’t make mistakes in every aspect of parenting: we’re human; trial, error and big mistakes are inherent to parenting, just like they are to every new role.

BPP: You had both a home birth and a hospital birth. Will you compare the two?

WH: It’s like apples and oranges. My support system (my husband and my mom) was the same for both. My psychological mind frame was different: in the hospital birth, I was unsure of so much going on around me. I had anxiety about the unknown, and had a constant feeling that an intervention like a c-section was hanging over my head. With the home birth, there was more comfort and peace, and the constant was, “I’m at home, in a safe space, it’s familiar and I can move around with no restrictions.” I had my second baby at home, and I knew I could get through the birth, which added peace of mind.

BPP: What are ways can women advocate for themselves in the hospital setting?

WH: Educate yourself before you go to the hospital. Figure out the type of birth you want, with details like whether or not you want pain medication and communicate that up front. Ask questions. Question everything, and if you don’t feel right about a decision the doctor or nurse wants to make, state your opinion and ask them to justify and explain theirs. Ideally, have a labor support person (like a doula or a good friend with an obstetric nursing background) to advocate for you.

BPP: What tips do you have for dads/parenting partners on how best to support the laboring mom?

WH: Be present, physically and with emotional support. Try to figure out with the mom what is best for her specific needs, which could be physically touching her, playing music for her, getting drinks for her, or just being there.

BPP: What advice do you have for family/friends who want to attend the birth/visit the new mom and baby in the hospital?

WH: Respect the sanctity and possible need for space of the new family, and know that needs/preferences look so different for people. When I was in the hospital after my first, I wanted no visitors until we were postpartum or ideally, at home. Don’t take it personally if the new parents want time and space with their new baby.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?

WH: Take care of yourself, whether that’s going to get a massage, exercising, getting a pedicure, going on a date with your partner – take time away to rejuvenate, so you can give your entire self to your baby.

Thank you, Wendy, for devoting yourself to advocacy for new moms, and sharing your beautifully faceted wisdom with us. Any new mom would be lucky to have you on her team.

Cheryl & Kirsten ♥