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How To Be A Happier Parent :: Wednesday Wisdom

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Meet KJ Dell’Antonia. She is a regular contributor to The New York Times, where she covers the personal and policy aspects of parenthood. She wrote and edited the NYT Motherlode blog from 2011 until 2016 and was a contributing editor to the Well Family section from 2016-2017. She is the co-author of Reading with Babies, Toddlers and Twos and the co-host of the #AmWriting podcast.

KJ has an exciting, new book coming out in August 2018: How to Be a Happier Parent: Raising a Family, Having a Life, and Loving (Almost) Every Minute. I have to admit that I pre-ordered her book several months ago because I cannot wait to get my hands on it. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a perinatal mental health and relationship specialist, not a parenting expert. So, like many of you, I can use ALL of the parenting wisdom and insight I can gather. It takes a village, right? KJ explains that her new book is not a parenting memoir. Instead, it is filled with research, interviews and investigation, all geared toward figuring out how to make the task of parenting more enjoyable.

I was thrilled to chat with KJ about her forthcoming book because 1) I have followed her parenting-related writing for many years in The New York Times and 2) I am a gigantic fan of the #AmWriting podcast. (If you do any sort of writing, I definitely encourage you to check it out.) OK, let’s get to our interview!

KB: Let’s start at the beginning. How did you decide to write this book?

KJD: I wrote the book I wanted to read. I’d been writing about parenting for nearly a decade, and editing other people’s work as well. I’d written—and read—so much about why parents answer survey questions and say we’d rather do laundry than hang out with our kids, about why we find parenting difficult to the point where we’re really not finding much joy in it at all, on a day-to-day level—and I wanted to talk about what we could do to make that better.

KB: So many authors write parenting handbooks based on their personal experiences or opinions. The thing that really stands out to me about your book is that you conducted actual scientific research to find out what REALLY makes parents happier. Can you share a little bit about how you did your research and if the results were what you expected?

KJD: I worked with a professor from Fordham University, Matthew Weinshenker, and a research assistant, Dawn Reiss. We came up with a series of questions that used established measures of parental happiness to get an idea of where respondents (about 1000, and as close as we could get to a demographic reflection of the U.S.) stood, and then we asked them questions about what else they were doing—how did they make decisions about things like vacations, and meals? How involved were they in homework? How often did they feel like they were enforcing the rules? And then we drew some conclusions about what choices were associated with greater happiness.

I think the biggest surprise in the results was how consistently people responded to an open-ended question about what they liked least about being a parent. There was a big cluster—about a third of respondents—around discipline, establishing rules, getting kids to behave. I don’t think our parents worried so much about that.

KB: According to the research you conducted, you discovered that happier parents tend to do four things, is that correct?

KJD: Yes. This is actually from the introduction to the book: “Happier parents in general do four things well. They shift from heavier involvement to fostering independence as their children become more capable. They don’t put their children’s everyday needs above their own. They look for the good in day to day experiences, and they know what’s really important and what’s just noise and fury.”

KB: Oh gosh, those are all good reminders for me. Has writing this book changed how you parent your four children?

KJD: I really am happier. I let a lot more go, I recognize that they’re their own people, with their own lives. They need guidance and support, and I love being there for them, but I don’t have to take their every experience or disappointment and make it my own. That’s not good for any of us.

KB: I know that your book really applies to parenting kids between the ages of 4 and 16. For my readers who are expectant or new-ish parents, do you have any suggestions on what they can start doing now in order to be happier later?

KJD: Don’t give up on your pre-parent life. That first six months to a year is tough. Really tough. For everyone. You won’t get enough sleep. Ever, and it’s important to recognize that that changes everything—and unfortunately there’s not much to do but your best there. Support your partner if you’ve got one. Trade off. At least give yourself a shot at getting the sleep you need by putting yourself to bed instead of staying up trying to get things done. (One good thing about babies—you can totally watch Game of Thrones while they’re awake, you don’t have to wait until they go to sleep.)

But beyond that, keep the things you do for fun. Take the baby or toddler (seriously, they can’t tell the difference between Disney and the Met, if you like to look at art, go look at art). Get a sitter, trade with a friend, let them watch some TV while you watch a crafting video or go surfing. You won’t be able to do as much, but you can still be you, and later, you’ll be glad—because nothing prevents over-parenting like feeling like you want your own time to do your own thing.

KB: For five years, you were the managing editor of The New York Times Motherlode parenting blog. What was it like to be at the helm of the most read, and the most coveted, parenting blog in the country… or maybe even the world?

KJD: Awesome, frankly. Completely validating. I can’t lie, I loved it. It was also a ton of work. I did everything, from editing to writing to illustrating to moderating almost all of the comments. I had great editors, too, but most of them had a whole lot going on besides Motherlode, which gave me a lot of freedom within the expectations at the Times. It could also be difficult, for two reasons. First, whenever there was a major news event involving children or families, I had to step up and respond. I’m all out of things to say about schools and gun violence, other than, please, stop. Sometimes it’s nice not to have to form a coherent thought around big issues—although I also miss the opportunity to be a part of that conversation. Second, there was a lot of power involved. There were a lot of people hoping I would publish their words, or write about their book, or even their product, and obviously that meant I said no a lot. As Betsy Lerner said in The Forest for the Trees, I want to save everyone, but there’s not room in the damn boat.

KB: I love how the subtitle of your book is “Raising a family, having a life and loving (almost) every minute”. I think the word ‘almost’ is probably validating to a lot of my readers. Can you talk about how you chose that subtitle?

KJD: I love it too! The book title changed a bunch of times (it was “This Should Be Fun,” and “This Could Be Fun,” and I forget what else) but the subtitle never did. As for the almost—it’s partly in fun (who even wants to try to love every minute) and partly serious. Bad things happen, they really do. Sometimes happy isn’t even on our radar. But a lot of the time, we’re just living our lovely modern lives here, and everything is ordinary, and that’s pretty good for most Western families.

KB: In the book, you expertly address all of the key parenting concerns or topics: discipline, chores, sports, homework, etc. Which topic do parents ask you about the most frequently?

KJD: People really want to talk about chores—they kind of want to defend why they’re not managing to get their kids to do them! Which is good, because it’s one of my favorite topics, and it’s actually the simplest. If your kids aren’t doing their chores, it’s because you as parents aren’t consistently expecting them to do them, and following through. There’s nothing more to it than that. (Which isn’t to say that isn’t really hard, or that we succeed at our house—we don’t, although it’s getting better.)

Some parents think other things are more important (homework, sports). I don’t happen to agree, but if that’s the thing at your house, better to give up on the chores and just embrace that than to say “you need to do this every day” and then never really ask kids to do it.

KB: If people sign up for your newsletter, (which I have already done!) they will get access to your Ten Mantras for happier parents, right? How did you come up with the mantras, and which one is your favorite?

KJD: It changes every day. Today I like “People, even children—especially children—change, if you let them.” We all know not to label kids the smart one, or the sporty one, or whatever, but it’s so easy to lock them into other identities, even something dumb, like not liking peanut butter. The more often you say “she doesn’t like peanut butter” the less likely she is to ever try it. I hated peanut butter as a kid, or thought I did. And I love it now. That’s a mild example, but replace peanut butter with exercise, or school, and you’ll see what I mean.

KB: Lastly, can you share where people can find you and all of your wisdom? And how they can get their hands on this amazing book?

KJD: Sure! Here is EVERYTHING:

More about the Book and how to order it (and get some fabulous pre-order bonuses): How to Be a Happier Parent: Raising a Family, Having a Life and Loving (Almost) Every Minute

Website: kjdellantonia.com

Twitter: @KJDellAntonia

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kjdellantonia

Instagram: @kjda

KJ’s tinyletter: http://tinyurl.com/followkj  (Definitely sign up for KJ’s newsletter if you are interested in receiving regular bit of parenting wisdom and humor.)

Podcast: #AmWriting with Jess & KJ https://itun.es/i67F2zJ or http://amwritingwithjessandkj.com (As I already said, gigantic fan of the podcast.)

And if you just want to order the book, go here:

https://tinyurl.com/HappierParentBookAmazon

Or here:

https://www.indiebound.org/book/9780735210479

Enormous thanks to KJ for sharing a preview of her book with Baby Proofed Parents. I can’t wait to receive my copy in the mail and begin learning how to be happier! – KB ♥

Where to go in Central Texas to find the most pediatric specialists and specialty programs

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This is the second post in a two-part series created in partnership with Dell Children’s Medical Center & Ascension.

Any parent who has navigated a medical emergency with a young child can tell you that their brain alternates between being in a fog and being laser-focused. That was certainly the case for me when my 10-day-old newborn had to be hospitalized for high fever and lethargy. As I wrote in an earlier post, I was instructed by our pediatrician to take my son to Dell Children’s Medical Center when he was just a few days old. I was also fighting the flu at the time so my brain was especially foggy. And yet, I found myself on a single-minded mission to advocate for my child and seek out the best professional opinions and interventions I could find.

Thank goodness we ended up at Dell Children’s. Despite the hazy state of my postpartum, flu-ridden brain, I immediately sensed that we had placed ourselves in the best possible care available.

One of the reasons I knew we were in the right spot is because Dell Children’s has an enormous number of pediatric specialists and specialty programs – the most in Central Texas to be exact. The hospital is staffed with doctors and experts who can be called on at a moment’s notice. Instead of being sent from facility to facility, or office to office, the doctors all came to our private hospital room. And they kept coming until my son’s condition was diagnosed and treated.

It took a few days for that diagnosis to happen. The reason for my son’s deteriorating health was an absolute mystery when we first arrived at Dell Children’s. The emergency room staff needed to rule out meningitis so he received a spinal tap. (As you can imagine, the spinal tap was really scary, but I put my faith in the staff to handle my son with the utmost care. And they did.) The doctors did blood work, they checked his urine and they eventually took us in a wheelchair to a separate department for an abdominal ultrasound.

I can still remember sitting in that ultrasound room, next to the kind technician. I can remember the look of concern in her eyes as she studied my son’s kidneys, ureters and bladder. Something was terribly wrong, and she knew that my son needed immediate treatment.

Dr. Cortez’s white board illustration.

The next thing I knew, a top pediatric urologist, Dr. Jose Cortez, Urology Section Chief at Dell Children’s, was standing in our hospital room. Remember, my brain was pretty foggy through all of this, and yet Dr. Cortez’s face and words are etched forever in my memory. His voice was calm and his demeanor was compassionate. He drew a picture on the white board in our room explaining that our son, Elliott, had a condition called Posterior Urethral Valve (PUV). There was a blockage in his urethra that was causing all of his urine to back up into his kidneys. His ureters, which should have looked like strands of spaghetti, looked like folded up sausage. His kidneys, which should have look like jellybeans, resembled bloated, distended potatoes.

Dr. Cortez calmly explained to us what the plan would be: Elliott would receive a catheter to relieve some pressure that evening and he would go in for surgery the next morning. He also explained that Elliott would fully recover.

There is nothing sweeter than hearing those words from an experienced, top-notch specialist. Your child will recover. It’s going to be OK. And it was.

Dr. Cortez is not the only specialist that we saw at Dell Children’s. Before we left the hospital that first time, Elliott was checked out by a pediatric cardiologist and a certified lactation consultant.

Aidan after his surgery for an infected lymph gland.

When our older son, Aidan, had a MRSA staph infection in his lymph gland several months later, we saw an infectious disease expert and a top pediatric ENT who performed surgery on Aidan’s neck.

Each time our kids have had a medical emergency (and we’ve had our share), we’ve headed straight to Dell Children’s. We know that they will be met by a dedicated multidisciplinary team of pediatric specialists and nurses who all have the same mission: helping our kids to feel better. Our boys, who are 11 and 14 now, are in great health, thanks to the expert care and treatment of the doctors and staff they have seen along the way.

When any of my counseling clients share with me that one of their kids have experienced a medical or physical trauma, I immediately direct them to Dell Children’s. The medical center is the only Pediatric Level I Trauma Center in Central Texas. They provide the highest level of care to children who have been victims of trauma – the kind of care that is crucial for the full physical and emotional recovery of a child.

Eleven years after my son’s first hospitalization, Dr. Cortez is still his urologist. His office is located across the street from Dell Children’s, within walking distance from the hospital. We visit Dr. Cortez every few years for a follow-up ultrasound and check up. We usually make it a family outing. We laugh with Dr. Cortez, we stop by and say ‘hi’ to our favorite ball machine in the Dell Children’s lobby and we go out to lunch as a family. We celebrate our son’s good health and the expert care he received when he was only a few days old.

When my son had a check up with Dr. Cortez six months ago, we nervously asked him if he was going to retire anytime soon. “No way,” he reassured us. “I have kids in college, no retirement for me yet!”

Thank goodness! We felt immediately relieved. Knowing that your child has a top notch medical expert in their corner makes all the difference, and that’s why we will choose Dell Children’s every time. ♥️

Hey there birth partner, I see you – 3 Tips for Navigating the Postpartum Period

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My husband had surgery a few months ago. It was a semi-serious surgery that kept him in the hospital one night and then he was released to my care. Keep in mind that I am no nurse. In fact, blood and bodily fluids tend to make me a little squeamish. However, the doctor assured me that his aftercare would be easy peasy. My husband would only need plenty of rest and hydration.

In preparation, I scheduled a few days off of work and began listing all of the things I could catch up on. Sorting through old paperwork, filing insurance claims for my counseling practice, cleaning out my closet – because OMG, it needs a good clean out. By the time they took him back to the OR for his procedure, I had a page-long list of To-Do’s ready for doing. I was kind of looking forward to having a few free days at home while he recovered.

Um… whatever.

After I brought my hubby/patient home from the hospital, I didn’t stop moving. He needed his meds. Then he needed a drink of water. How about a smoothie now? He was cold – could he have a blanket? Oh, the kids are home from school now. Homework and dinner and bedtime. But no bed time for me because my surgery patient needed bathing. And his pain was truly intolerable. And… there were plenty of body fluids. Eeeek! Up and down we went all night.

Needless to say, I didn’t get anything done on my To-Do list. In fact, as the week progressed, I became more exhausted as my husband became more rested.

It gave me flash backs to when we came home from the hospital with our second newborn. I had just given birth. I needed to focus on recovering and breastfeeding, right? So, I fully expected my husband to be my right-hand man.

He really delivered.

He brought food and water and reassurance whenever I needed it. He handled our preschooler like a champ and ran to the grocery store for all of our worldly needs. He never stopped moving while I did a lot of sitting.

I guess I always assumed that he had the super easy job as birth partner. I never stopped to think that his role in supporting and caring for me might have been just as exhausting as my recovery from the birth.

My little stint as nurse and caretaker made this very clear for me. It also helped me to identify some tips that might help set the birth partner up for success during the postpartum period.

1) Get things ready ahead of time: The last month or two of the pregnancy, begin preparing things to make the caretaker’s job easier. Set up some comfy areas in your home that will work well for breastfeeding and resting. You’ll want a good chair, a little side table to keep magazines and books, the remote control, something to play music on, a small light and an ottoman to kick up your feet on. Stock the fridge and pantry with your favorite foods and snacks that can be easily prepared. Stock plenty of healthy beverages and fun cups/straws to drink them out of. Ask your midwife or doctor for a list of comfort items (heating pads, breastfeeding-friendly pain meds, hemorrhoid pads) and show your partner where they are stored. Last but not least, think about investing in a good old-fashioned bell. Yelling and texting work fine, but the little ding of a bell might work better.

2) Accept help: This is a big one for both Mom and birth partner. When my husband was preparing to go into surgery, all of our friends and family were asking how they could help. More specifically, they were offering to provide food or watch our boys. “No, thanks,” I told most of them. “We’ll be fine. I have food in the fridge and the boys can entertain themselves.” Well, several days later, I was kicking myself. It would have been reeeeealy nice to have meals delivered to our doorstep or to have my boys carpooled around for the week. Fortunately, there were several sweet people who wouldn’t take no for an answer and brought food and help any way. Lesson learned: Accept the help of others. You can always decline later on, but sending out an SOS is trickier.

3) Care for the caretaker: The caretaker is going to be on their feet a lot. They probably won’t be getting much more sleep than mom. For this reason, I encourage birth partners to clear any big commitments off of their calendar so that they can reserve their energy for care-taking and resting. Birth partners should stock up on their own favorite snacks, drinks, movies and books. When mom and baby are resting, the caretaker should also rest and relax. Don’t worry about keeping the house immaculate or staying on top of everything. You guys will have plenty of time to catch up. In the meantime, focus on loving on this new little baby and taking care of both of you.

Here’s to Strength & Birth Partners,

Kirsten

We Made Cribs Safer for Our Babies, Now What Do We Do About Guns?

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I’m still feeling horrified by the murder of 26 children and adults that occurred just down the road from my home on Sunday. I’m even more horrified by how quickly my mind has wandered to other things like how much laundry I have to do or the e-mails I need to return. My brain tells me that this is the new normal; that I need to just accept that dying by mass shooting is an American thing now. But my heart screams out, No! We have to do more.

I keep hearing that we have a “mental health problem”, not a gun problem. So here’s my question: why do we lead the WORLD in public mass shootings (and that’s not including gang-related violence) when there are plenty of mental health issues and mental health diagnoses in other countries? As a mental health professional, I can tell you that my clients are far more likely to be the victims of violence rather than perpetrators. However, let’s just say that a potential shooter is struggling with a mental health crisis. If they do reach out for help, chances are that their insurance won’t cover the counseling or psychiatric care.

We as a nation have decreased drunk driving by 51% since 1982 and increased the safety on our roads.

We as a nation have decreased the incidence of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) by 50% since 1988.

We as a nation prohibited and recalled 11 million drop-side cribs after the suffocation and strangulation deaths of 32 infants.

We, as a nation, MUST find ways to decrease gun deaths and eliminate horrific mass shootings. We can do it.

This issue is complex. It is non-partisan and there are no simple answers in a country that is saturated with firearms. So, instead of continuing my rant, I’ve decided to focus on what I CAN do.

  • I can urge my representatives to close background check loopholes and pass universal background checks. (Why was the latest shooter able to buy a gun at Academy with everything on his record? What broke down in the system?)
  • I can urge my representatives to pass and enforce legislation that prevents individuals convicted of domestic violence from purchasing firearms.
  • I can urge my representatives to maintain access to healthcare for ALL Americans and prevent pre-existing condition clauses from coming back on the scene so that all Americans have access to affordable mental health care.
  • I can stay in the loop with organizations such as Sandy Hook Promise, Mom’s Demand Action and Everytown for Gun Safety, who are all pursuing a well-researched and multi-pronged approach to decreasing gun violence. Better yet, take it a step further and join a local chapter of Mom’s Demand Action. They schedule and facilitate regular meetings with law-making, policy-changing legislators.
  • I can continue to ask why we Americans insist on owning and selling semi-automatic weapons, AR-15 style rifles, gun silencers and bump stocks? All of the recent mass shooters used AR-15’s.

And here are the tough ones…

  • I can make sure that my family’s firearms (yup, I live in Texas and my husband is a gun owner) are safely stored and maintained.
  • I can talk to my sons about anger management and rage, because I hate to say it, but they fit the “white male” profile for a mass shooter.
  • I can monitor their mental health and check in with them regularly. I can remove all firearms from the home if a family member is expressing suicidal/homicidal thoughts or showing other warning signs. (The latest mass shooter posted photos of his AR-15 on Facebook and soon after posted that his “brain wasn’t working right.”)
  • I can alert the police if I see risk factors in my family members OR friends OR neighbors.
  • I can talk to my kids about bullying and harassment. Especially sexual harassment. About treating all humans AND animals with respect and kindness and reaching out for help if they are suffering or feeling victimized.

These are things I CAN do and I will do. We need to keep talking about this. Please join me if you can. – Kirsten

8 Things to Say to Your Partner That Will Make You a Happier Couple

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We say a massive amount of words every day – on average 15,000. Many of those words are the same ones we said the day before, and the day before that. When you’re co-parenting, your communication with your partner becomes even more repetitive and business-like. Why? Because you are running a baby-raising, household-managing, food-serving business together.

Who’s handling bath tonight?

Please turn on the baby monitor when you go upstairs.

I forgot to grab bananas at the store. Do you mind picking some up?

OMG, <insert child’s name> was fussy today.

What should we have for dinner tonight?

In the midst of all of this business-like chatter, the small niceties are known to get lost. New parents are often exhausted and grumpy, so the words are more likely to be testy or blaming. Let me tell you, my husband and I have had many a day when our words were more negative than positive.

In my work with couples, and in my own marriage, I’ve found that making a concerted effort to add in positive words and phrases can make a gigantic difference in the tone and feel you are setting in your home. In fact, research by John Gottman indicates that solid, happy couples counterbalance every 1 negative interaction with 5 positive interactions. The point? You are going to be grumpy or curt at times. Just make sure that you are overpowering the negative with positive.

Here are seven phrases that I encourage couples to integrate into their daily vocabulary whenever possible:

1. Thank you

Of course you say Thank You, but do you say it enough? I encourage couples to show gratitude for all the little things, all the time.

Thank you for emptying the dishwasher.

Thank you for grabbing my favorite cheese at the store the other day.

Thank for getting up during the night with baby. That extra bit of sleep saved me.

The number one objection I hear to this phrase is: “I shouldn’t have to thank my partner for the little things that he/she should be helping me with.” I hear you on that. However, when your partner feels appreciated, and not taken for granted, they are more likely to want to do more for you. That sounds good, right?

2. I screwed up

So many couples walk around with their figurative fists up, ready to brawl. They feel so defensive and guarded that they are slow to acknowledge mistakes or take responsibility for their oversights. Here’s my advice: Own your stuff. Admit when you messed up.

I screwed up, honey. I forgot to pick up milk at the grocery store.

I totally messed up; I drove too close to the garage door and put a little scratch on the car.

I blew it. I was grumpy and rude this morning and I know I was being an ass. I’m so sorry.

This is a great habit to model for your kids and has a humanizing effect on the whole family. We all make mistakes. When we take responsibility for them and don’t cover them up with excuses or defensive words, we present a more vulnerable and non-defensive front.

3. You look gorgeous/hot/handsome/amazing…

You and your partner are way beyond the honeymoon stage. The days of staring into each other’s eyes longingly are long gone. I don’t care. Take the time to tell your mate when their hair is looking cute or you really like their outfit. You might feel like your partner already knows that you find them attractive. They don’t. Make sure you tell them and you will be helping to keep the romance alive.

 4. You’re really good at…

Neither of you have a manager or a boss at home. You don’t get positive feedback on a regular basis for the activities you do outside of the office. If anything, you and your partner probably give each other constructive (or non-constructive) criticism on everything from how to cut the crusts off the sandwiches to how to put the laundry in the hamper (and not on the floor). This can leave a void of reinforcement and encouragement. Sometimes it feels like we are doing everything wrong. I recommend that you regularly comment on your partner’s strengths and let them know when they are winning at parenting and human-ing. (I know that isn’t a word, but I’m making it one.)

You’re really good at getting our baby to sleep. What is your trick?

You make the most incredible dinners. It is so nice to end my day with yummy food to look forward to.

I love the way that you redirect our (insane) toddler when he is tired and crabby. You really have a knack for this parenting thing!

I’m in awe of your ability to always keep clean pairs of socks and underwear in my dresser. You are the Laundry Monarch – I am not worthy.

 5. I hear you.

It is well known that most of us humans are not the greatest listeners. We’re often quick to give solutions or rebuttals. Or we’re too distracted by our iPhone or our kids to really tune in and hear our partner. If you take a deep breath, really listen and say I hear you, you partner’s shoulders will relax and they will feel like you are on their team and you really understand them.

6. You’re right.

Have I mentioned the defensive tone that I often see permeating couples communication? Many men and woman feel continually scrutinized or criticized, so they are slow to admit when their partner is right. But let’s think about this. You chose this person to be your partner in child rearing. Knowing that you always practice excellent judgment (wink, wink), this partner of yours probably has a good point every once in awhile. You can say this is different ways:

Good point.

You’re correct.

That’s fair.

You were right.

Very true.

Yup, you make a great point there.

If you give your mate credit when they’re on the right track, the combative tone will immediately be defused, and she or he will be more likely to say, “You’re right!” to you later on.

7. Hey, I need…

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Our partners aren’t mind readers. SO… if you need something, speak up and ask for it. Let me give you some examples:

Hey hon, I could use extra help in the kitchen this week. The baby is teething and I’m about to lose it.

I need you to run by the grocery store tonight please. We’re out of milk and coffee, and I will keel over in the morning if I don’t have my caffeine.

Darling, I need to you to hug me when you get home at the end of the day and spend a few minutes talking to me before we dive into dinner and bedtime.

Which leads me to my final suggestion…

8. How was your day?

This is an obvious one. You probably feel like you say this one in your sleep.

Here’s my question: When you say it, do you stop what you are doing, look directly at your partner’s face, and actually listen to their answer? If not, I recommend you try that, and then ask follow-up questions. Debriefing and processing your day with your partner is a great way to unwind, let go of any stressors and launch into a meaningful evening with your family. It feels amazing to know that you have a teammate waiting at home who is actually interested in what you did for the last 9 hours!

____________________________

So… I’m going to end with a caveat: If you are one of those folks who apologizes for everything, even when it isn’t your fault, you might want to skip some of the above suggestions (specifically #2 and #5). OR, if you feel like you say many of the above phrases, but your partner doesn’t, you might want to skip back to #6 and ask them to incorporate more of these into your daily dialogue. Blame it on me, the Baby Proofed Parents lady. Tell them it’s the shrink’s orders!

Here’s to Sanity & Saying It,

Kirsten

A Hospital That Cares for the Entire Family

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This is the first post in a two-part series created in partnership with Dell Children’s Medical Center & Ascension.

I remember the phone call like it was yesterday. I was lying on the sofa, nestled in a cozy blanket with my 10-day-old newborn. It was a rainy evening in January and I had just dialed the on-call number at my pediatrician’s office. My newborn had a significant fever, just as I did, and my husband and I needed advice on what steps to take.

“You need to take Elliott to the ER. I recommend you go to Dell Children’s Medical Center,” the doctor on the other end of the phone said firmly.

My heart sank. Really? I thought. I felt like I had a really bad cold, and that Elliott, my new baby boy, was simply fighting the same bug that I was. The thought of taking him to an emergency room was terrifying. However, I had heard positive things about Dell Children’s so I took a deep breath and said, “OK, we’ll head there immediately.”

Looking back, I now know that I had a very sick baby on my lap and that traveling to Dell Children’s Medical Center was the best decision I could have made.

After I hung up the phone with the doctor, I threw some items in a bag and jumped in the car with my newborn, leaving my husband at home to care for our preschooler. I was feeling pretty wretched myself and would have loved to have just crawled under the covers. Nevertheless, I was the source of my newborn’s food and comfort, so I needed to be the one to accompany him to the hospital.

After a compassionate and speedy ER visit, and a few days of testing and observation, Elliott was diagnosed with Posterior Urethral Valve (PUV), a congenital condition that was causing serious (and very dangerous) damage to his kidneys and ureters. The little guy needed to have emergency surgery to repair his condition and several more days of recovery and observation. We ended up staying at Dell Children’s a total of ten days that first time.

Elliott at Dell Children’s

Anyone who has stayed with a young baby or a young child in a hospital for an extended period of time will tell you that it is hard… really hard. My husband and I look back on those ten days as being some of the toughest of our lives. Especially since we came precariously close to losing our little one. And yet, there was an incredible warmth and nurturing energy that we felt during our entire experience at Dell Children’s. The staff and personnel did everything possible to make us feel comfortable and supported. So much so that when it was time to check out of the hospital, I felt a surprising amount of sadness. Of course I was happy that my son was strong enough to leave the hospital, but it was a bit hard to leave the tender loving care that my entire family received for those two very intense weeks.

I know that probably sounds odd. Sad to leave a hospital? That was honestly how I felt. When I think back to why the experience at Dell Children’s was so positive in the midst of such a negative, scary life event, I believe it has to do with their focus on family-centered care. The staff and medical personnel are not only focused on caring for their patients, they are focused on tending to the entire family and making their experience as gentle and compassionate as possible.

Dell Children’s Medical Center believes that caring for the family is just as important as caring for their young patients. Each floor of the hospital is designed to make family members as comfortable possible. This means that each unit has cozy and colorful spaces in which families can congregate and make themselves at home. The staff understands that the presence of parents, siblings and extended family enhances the healing process for infants and children. Instead of making family members set up camp in cold, separate waiting rooms, the staff welcomes them with open arms onto each floor.

Even the patient rooms are designed to accommodate parents and family members. While my infant son was recovering in his hospital bed, I rested on a surprisingly comfortable sofa bed. The colors in the room were cheery and optimistic, not the dismal, neutral shades that I was accustomed to encountering in hospital rooms. And the food? Not your standard hospital fare. It was fresh and surprisingly delicious. Because I was a nursing mother, I was able to choose from their extensive room service menu for each meal and let me tell you, this mama was thrilled to let someone else cook for me for a few weeks!

The courtyard healing garden.

Dell Children’s understands that just because a baby or a young child is sick doesn’t mean that they cease being children. The hospital has playrooms on each floor with toys and games for children of all ages, from infants to teens. It is not unusual for volunteers or staff members to be spotted wheeling around carts full of books or small toys designed to cheer their littlest patients and their siblings. The grounds are well-designed and full of gardens and interactive play areas.

I feel like Dell Children’s truly wants their patients to have positive memories of staying in their facility. It is not unusual to encounter super heroes, magicians or musicians wandering the halls. Frequent theme days and ice creams socials give every one a reason to smile. When my husband would bring our preschooler to visit the hospital, he didn’t want to leave! The staff worked hard to make him feel just as cared for as his little brother, which meant the world to us.

The beloved ball machine.

The interior of Dell Children’s is beautifully designed with large windows and cheerful artwork by local talent. My family’s favorite, favorite part of the hospital is a large kinetic ball machine. Part art installation/part interactive entertainment, my boys were mesmerized by the dropping and popping and rolling of the balls behind the wall-sized, glass-enclosed contraption.

Dell Children’s recognizes that when a family has a sick child, it impacts the emotional and social well-being of all of the family members. For this reason, the hospital has a staff of Child Life Specialists who have training in child development and emotional health. The mission of these specialists is to ease the stress and anxiety of patients and their families. Being a mental health professional, I was especially appreciative of the social workers and counselors that the hospital has on staff. Dell Children’s provides therapy and support for siblings, parents and patients. Everything from age-appropriate medical education to relaxation techniques is included.

I remember joking with one of the nurses that I really could have used a hotel-style Do-Not-Disturb sign while staying at the hospital. There was a constant stream of people checking in on me, my little patient, and the rest of my family. Looking back, all of that support and concern played a crucial role in the healing process for me and my son. Sure, there were a lot of people coming through our room, but they were coming with support, resources and love.

Despite feeling a tinge of sadness about leaving all of the incredible support at Dell Children’s, my family and I were happy to be settled back into our house after our hospital stay. Whenever we would return for the frequent follow-ups with our son’s urologist and other specialists, we would be sure to stop by our favorite ball machine in the lobby and give the wheels a whirl. My boys grew up feeling like Dell Children’s Medical Center was a place of cheer and comfort, not a place of illness and sadness. For this reason, I feel very thankful for the positive experiences they gave my family during a very tough stretch.

In my next post, I will talk about a very special doctor, my son’s urologist, and the other professionals who made up his care team at Dell Children’s Medical Center.

No Performance Review for the New Parent

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Before I had my first baby, I had a corporate job, complete with cubicles, bureaucracy and a never-ending supply of donuts and half-finished cakes calling to me from the break room.

I didn’t grieve any of that when I left my job to go on maternity leave. Not the stray, half-eaten sweets that always seemed to find their way to my stomach. Not the cloud of policies and procedures that metaphorically hovered over my cubicle.

There was one thing that I did miss – and it surprised the heck out of me.  During those early days with my baby, I found myself longing for performance evaluations and reviews.

You’re probably thinking I’m crazy right about now. Who in their right mind would miss a performance review? Who would want to be evaluated by their boss?

Let me explain.

I cherished staying home with my newborn baby. But I also found it to be rather isolating and overwhelming. The moment my little boy emerged, I felt pressured to speed-learn ALL of these new skills: how to breastfeed, how to soothe a colicky baby, how to treat a diaper rash and how to keep a household running, all in the same day.

While I was putting myself through a Baby 101 crash course, there was no one to say, “Hey, you are doing a great job!” or “You got a 8.5 out of 10 on that nipple latch. I’m giving you a bonus this month.” I went from having my every move monitored in an office setting to getting very little feedback on the job I was doing at home. That was tough.

My husband would occasionally tell me he thought I was doing great, but not nearly enough. To give the guy credit, he was figuring out all of these new jobs as well, so he was just as clueless as me.

It wasn’t just the evaluations that I missed. I also found myself yearning for the daily interaction with co-workers that provided me with a steady diet of validation and feedback. “I love that outfit on you. Where did you get it?” or “I overheard you talking to that client. Great job!” It was me and a non-verbal newborn most of the day, and the walls around me stayed pretty silent.

If you think about it, we get regularly reviewed and evaluated from the time we are a baby: Our parents coo at us and tell us we are wonderful and doing a great job. Our teachers and professors give us assignments and grades, assuring us we are on the right track. Our supervisors and bosses take over with job descriptions, trainings and scheduled feedback.

And then suddenly we become parents, and we find ourselves thinking, Um, what the hell am I doing? Am I doing it right? Am I doing anything right?

Whether you are staying home for a three-month maternity/paternity leave, or you’ve made the decision to transition to stay-at-home-parent, I have a few tips to help you feel validated and supported a long the way, in spite of not having a boss around to tell you that you’re doing great.

  1. Join a new parent support group. Your most valuable source of support and encouragement is going to be from other new parents. They are in the trenches with you and understand that you have a lot on your plate. Join a group on social media, or better yet, seek out a neighborhood play group or a Meetup group for new parents. Create your own “board meetings” with likeable people and friends who are doing the same job that you are. (Notice I said likeable people. Spending time with negative or catty individuals will not be helpful under these circumstances.)

2. Ask your partner to give you regular feedback and reassurance. It’s ok to let your husband or wife know that you might need more praise than usual. Especially if one of your love languages is words of affirmation (like me!) I crave feedback and validation, and I ask my husband regularly for it. When you are a new parent you often feel exhausted and full of self-doubt. Ask your partner to give you kudos when appropriate: a sweet note, a little card, a verbal compliment. A little bit of positive feedback will go a long way.

3. Look for non-verbal feedback from your little ones. Around 2 months old, your little one will start to smile and interact with you a bit. This is like pure gold for a new parent. There is nothing on earth like receiving your first non-gas-induced smile. Soak up the giggles, look into your little one’s eyes, and recognize that they think you are doing a great job. Of course, there will be days when they cry for hours on end or they throw a tantrum fit for a king. Remember that these are not signs that you are doing a bad job – kids will be kids after all.

Don’t do Devil Wears Prada with yourself. Be kind!

4. Be easy on yourself. It’s true – we are all our own worst critics. With this in mind, give yourself a lot of grace. You are learning. You are growing. Things will get easier… and then hard again… and then – well, you get the picture. This will be an ongoing journey until your children fly the coop. Until then, pat yourself on the back for doing the best job you can. And as always, reach out to a counselor or a trusted individual if your self-doubt is getting the best of you. We’re here for you – there’s no need to figure all of this out on your own.

Here’s to Sanity and Being Your Own Boss,

Kirsten

5 Tips for Parenting through the Storm

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Mother With Baby Suffering From Post Natal DepressionUpdated February 2017: Since the new year is turning out to be just as intense as 2016, I updated this article and added one extra tip.

OK, 2016 is proving itself to be a pretty intense year… and it isn’t even over yet. News from around the world has been bleak. With multiple mass shootings and other incidents of violence around the country, the headlines in the States haven’t been much better. Regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum, the 2016 presidential campaigns and election were downright traumatic.

As a result, I’ve observed a wide range of emotions in my counseling clients over the last few weeks: frustration, grief, anxiety and rage, to name a few. Many of my clients have entered my office in tears. A few have asked me, How in the world do you parent your two young boys through some of these days?

My answer? Parenting is actually a source of solace and sanity for me. It is one constant in my life that I can always count on. It can still be challenging at times, considering the current state of affairs. But I’ve figure out some ways to manage the hardest moments. Here are my tips for weathering the storm as a parent, when you are feeling completely overwhelmed by the news of the day:

1. Don’t Shelter From All

From a very, very young age our kids are picking up on our emotions. They see us when we are sad or angry. They watch how we work through our feelings and reactions. They observe how we soothe ourselves, how we turn to others, how we talk to our partners and how we make plans for moving forward. Our kids learn about disappointment and loss, that life doesn’t always goes as expected. But they also learn about emotional intelligence, resilience and hope. In many cases, they see us fighting and advocating for what we believe is right. My advice? Don’t feel like you have to keep your eyes dry or your TV turned off whenever your kids are in the room. It is beneficial for them to see you being human and see your response to what’s happening in the world.

That being said….

2. Find a Balance in Exposure

Yes, our kids benefit from being exposed to current events and our emotional response. But there is also a fine line between teaching and traumatizing. Remember that very young children have a hard time differentiating between imagined or exaggerated threats and real threats. If they hear enraged and inflammatory language, if they view violent images on the TV, if they see us crying non-stop, they can begin to feel like the world is going to cease to exist. It can feel quite traumatic for them — they can feel unsafe.

The same goes for us.

If we expose ourselves to too much hate-filled talk, conflict and violence, we can also spiral into depression and despondency. My advice? Limit your exposure to the news and angry rhetoric. Shut off social media when you need to. And monitor how much you are processing the news around your kids. Take breaks when needed and go back to the daily activities that bring you solace… which takes me to my next point.

3. Find Peace in Your Routines and Rituals

The great thing about having kids, whether they are a newborn or a teenager, is that they keep you busy. Regardless of how discouraged or irate you are feeling, you still have to breastfeed, do laundry, read books at bedtime and tuck little ones in. Even when the political rhetoric reaches an all time low, you still have to drive the carpool, show up for work and wash the dishes.

Kids also bring you back to soothing rituals. Yesterday I was in my favorite grocery store, Central Market, when I spotted a big display of $2.49 chocolate Advent calendars. They had the same colorful Santa-themed prints on them that they have had for the last five years. My face lit up. We still have a few weeks before the start of December, but I bounced over to the display and bought five. Two for my boys, and three for anyone else I can bestow them on. Yes, the chocolates are tiny and crappy, but my kids really, really look forward to opening a chocolate surprise for 24 mornings in December. It is these small traditions, these tiny pleasures that keep us going when we feel defeated. Seek out your family rituals and routines. Find peace in the sameness of your days and years.

4. Choose A Few Actions or Causes to Focus Your Energy On

You are a busy parent, and you don’t have a lot of free time. But you want to feel like you are doing something, like you are contributing. My suggestion is to choose one or two causes to devote your energy to so that you don’t get overwhelmed. And then do small (or big) actions whenever you can squeeze them in. Make a call to a senator, write a letter to a public official, show up to a rally or write a check to an organization that you support. Don’t beat yourself up or overextend yourself if you have limited time and energy. Involve your kids if appropriate – they will remember the actions that you take when fighting for something you believe in for the rest of their lives.

5. Make Self-Care a Priority, More Than Ever

I touched on this during my first point, but I’ll say it again: our kids are watching how we sooth and take care of ourselves when we are upset. They learn SO much about self-care and boundaries from their parents.

Knowing this, please take care of yourself.

Go to bed early, get together with friends, go to a place of worship, schedule a massage or do whatever feels comforting to you. This will allow you to stay fully present with your children. It will also allow you to march on with whatever campaign you have aligned yourself with and to participate in your relationships and your job. If you feel like you are fighting depression or extreme anxiety, don’t hesitate to reach out to a counselor. Reach out to me! I will tell you what I tell all of my clients: You are not alone. You are definitely not alone…

Here’s to Sanity and Sameness,

Kirsten

 

Ode to the Real-Life Dad

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dad holding baby girl

I’m semi-sad to report that my boys have graduated from the sweet, moral-heavy cartoons of Disney, Nick Jr. and PBS. Gone are the cheerful songs and brightly colored shows of their baby-hood. I sort of miss Sesame Street. I don’t miss Backyardigans. Honestly, I could go the rest of my life without seeing another Little Einsteins episode, and be just fine.

Before you envy the fact that I am no longer subjected to songs about rocket ships and vegetables, let me fill you in on the next stage in youth programming. These days, if my kids have the TV on, which is not very often (thank goodness), the channel is tuned to Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon, and the shows are snarky, slapstick-y and subversive.

I’ve noticed that these “older kid” programs, regardless of whether they are a sitcom or a cartoon, follow the same format: There is some sort of family unit, there are goofy challenges that the kids or family faces and there is always, without exception, a “dumb dad” character. The father figure is clueless. He mumbles and bumbles around the set of the show, continually making bad decisions and acting like a fool, while his partner gently redirects him and cleans up his messes. In some cases the dad appears to be almost ape-like (ahem… Clarence) and in other shows the dad looks like he was held back a few decades or has consumed way too much beer and smoked way too much of something (Steven Universe and The Simpsons).

I’ve thought a lot about this goofy-father archetype and pondered its origin. Was it created by a fed-up feminist who was tired of male heroes dominating the silver and small screens? Is it a 21st century trend that just continues to stick? (The answer to the latter question is not really, since the father-figures in The Flintstones and The Jetsons were not too bright or capable either.)

Since I am neither a sociologist nor a TV-critic, I will refrain from delving deeper into the mystery of the “Dumb TV Dad”. But there is one thing I will state: Thank you heaven above that my husband is not like a Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon Dad.

real dad babies

Thank goodness that he thinks for himself and that he is my parenting partner in every sense of the word.

Thank goodness that I can leave my boys with him for the entire day when I go to work and know that he is going to have them fed, exercised, entertained and bedded by 9pm. In many ways, my husband is a better parent and all around human being than me. He is frequently the person I turn to when I get in a bind or make a mess (virtual or actual) – he gives great advice and knows how to fix anything and everything that can be fixed.

I’m happy to report that he is not a unique find in the world of 21st century dads. Today’s dads wear a lot of hats and often do it with aplomb. They change diapers, cook meals and plan out the day, right alongside their parenting partners. I happen to know a ton of these amazing guys – let me introduce some of them to you:

There’s Brian the Birth Guy who has been a devoted single dad to his two girls from the day they were born, and now helps other couples welcome babies into the world.

There’s Ron Malott, The Design Daddy, who adopted two newborns (within months of each other) with his partner, Mike, and is currently raising them to be two gorgeous, involved teenagers.

There’s my friend, Terry Cox, who went through a divorce when his son was still an infant, but didn’t skip a beat when it came to raising his little guy.

There’s David Rose, aka The Babywearing Dad, who follows the principles of attachment parenting and has “worn” his babies since infancy. Did I mention that he also teaches mindfulness techniques to other dads and moms?

There’s my friend and colleague, Jason Sipkowski, who worked hard to bond with his babies right from birth and continues to be an active co-parent in his children’s lives, following some enormous life-transitions.

I’m so glad that my boys have these men to look to as parenting role models. I’m hoping they see a sharp contrast between these real-life father figures and the doofuses they see on TV. And if they don’t, they are sure to hear the constant commentary from their mother while she is watching over their shoulder from the kitchen. (Why is that dad so idiotic? Why does that dad look like an obese rabbit? Why is he catching everything on fire? Why???) The message I hope they hear is that the majority of real dads look, and act, nothing like those silly cartoon characters. So… on that note, anyone want to pitch a new show to Cartoon Network with me??

Here’s to Strength and Real-Life Dads,

Kirsten

Ending the Division of Labor Wars

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couple_Fighting_over_chores

Everyone does it. No couple is immune. Some call it tit for tat. Others call it keeping points. It’s that thing you do when you turn to your partner and say, “Why do I always end up doing the dishes? It seems like you never help out in the kitchen.”

Then your partner defensively replies, “I just did the dishes yesterday. You never notice when I help. And besides, when is the last time you helped with the yard work?”

And it goes from there.

The arguments can be about household chores, financial contributions, parenting tasks or even initiating sex.

These arguments feel like a volleyball game in which each person is volleying complaints back and forth over the net. It can become quite competitive. Who is doing the most around the house? Who is doing the most for the family? Who is doing the most for each other?

What couples tend to forget is that they are actually on the same team. If you ask two parents what their goals are for the family, they will almost always say the same things: Health, happiness, and a well cared for home.

I have good news for you! There are ways to minimize these division of labor battles that will in turn, make you feel closer than ever to your partner.

Tips for the Complainer

1. Ask yourself if you are tired or grumpy. If you answer yes, consider saving your feedback for a moment when you are rested and fed. You’ll be able to approach the subject in a less confrontational manner when you are feeling calm and can “soft start” the conversation.

2. Consider whether this task is crucial to the family and the relationship OR whether it is a personal preference for you. If it is simply a personal preference, explore the idea that you might have to take on the bulk of the job yourself. Or hire someone to help you! (Example: I like a clean, uncluttered house. Am I great at keeping it this way? Not really. My husband isn’t either but honestly, clutter doesn’t bother him. I’ve learned that lecturing him about clearing clutter is useless and only gets both of us frustrated. Instead, I try to budget time to do my own clutter cleaning and every once in awhile I have a cleaning service come in to do the deeper cleaning.)

3. Propose making a schedule or an “adult chore chart.” Most us tend to assume that our partner will handle household chores exactly the way we do. But this is a false assumption. We all come from different families and backgrounds. Just because you empty the dishwasher as soon as it has finished its cycle, doesn’t mean that your partner even notices that the dishes are done. Work together to make an agreement on what tasks need to be done when, and who is going to do them. And remember that each of your “chore lists” might not look identical. One of you might hate mopping and the other one might dislike cooking. Try to create lists that play into both of you strengths and preferences.

Tips for the Complainer(1)

1. Before getting defensive, ask yourself if your partner has a valid complaint. Is it true that they have been doing most of the chores around the house? Perhaps your partner has been handling the majority of parenting tasks? Resist the urge to start tallying points and firing complaints back at them. If you can, remain calm and ask your partner how you can make things feel more equitable. You might be surprised at the answer.

2. Consider your partner’s love language. If they feel most loved when you perform “acts of service”, then chipping in with chores and yard work is going to be important in your relationship. If their love language is “physical touch”, then making it a priority to initiate cuddling or sex will be essential. When you hear your partner’s complaint, try to see how it fits into their love language. Then, try to be ahead of the game by anticipating the things that make them feel loved and initiating before being asked.

3. If you don’t want to help out more with what your partner is complaining about (or you simply can’t, due to time constraints or another issue) begin gentle negotiations. I’ll give another personal example: I used to love working in the yard. These days, I simply don’t have time or energy for it. Occasionally, my husband points out that I do not set foot outside on yard workdays. He has a point. When these conversations come up, I initially agree with him. Then I try to 1) suggest small ways that I can help (like doing a little weeding), 2) gently remind him of all of the household tasks I am handling (like laundry and housecleaning) and 3) offer to help find money in our budget to pay a yard service. Since my husband actually enjoys doing yard work, he always declines this offer, and we go about our merry way.

Tips for the Complainer(2)

I said it before and I’ll say it again: you are both on the same team. It is not a competition and things will never be completely even. One partner (and this might switch back and forth) will always bring in more income. One partner will always do a little more around the house. One partner might initiate sex more frequently. Accept that you are not clones of each other and then try to boost each other up instead of tearing each other down. You will feel closer and more supported as a result!

Here’s to Sanity and Chore Charts,

Kirsten

An Army of Moms & The Hashtag #meditateonthis

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momlookingin

This week an influential health panel, the US Preventive Services Task Force, issued new recommendations regarding maternal mental health, stating that all women should be screened for depression during pregnancy and after childbirth.

Mothers and mental health care providers everywhere rejoiced. Being a mom and a therapist myself, I was doubly overjoyed. Ten years ago, I was a new parent who was shocked at how little questioning and support I received regarding my postpartum mental health from both my obstetrician and pediatrician. They gladly gave me info on my healing episiotomy and my clumsy breastfeeding technique, but they seemed to quickly change the subject when I brought up the anxiety or postpartum distress I was experiencing.

Things have improved in the last ten years. More and more new mothers with perinatal mood disorders are referred to me for professional counseling via their doctor or their insurance provider. More childbirth educators and birth professionals are coaching their clients on how to care for their emotional and relationship health prior to bringing a baby into the world. Thanks to organizations like Postpartum Progress and Postpartum Support International, awareness is building and PPD is losing its stigma and gaining support.

But we still have a long way to go. Studies suggest that one in seven, and possibly as many as one in five women develop symptoms of depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, psychosis or a mixture of all four during pregnancy or after childbirth. Many mothers, as many as 70%, are left undiagnosed and untreated. Some women lose their life as a result.

Knowing these facts, it makes sense that an army of indignant parents responded to Marianne Williamson, a New York Times bestselling spiritual author and speaker, when she tweeted the following earlier this week:

U.S. Preventive Services Task Force says pregnant women should be “screened for depression.” How many on Task Force on big pharma payroll??

And then, in later comments, followed up with this:

Hormonally created, normal mood swings during and after pregnancy are not a disease. Meditation helps. Prayer helps. Love helps.

You might wonder why a few tweets from Williamson caught so much attention. The truth is that her comments are representative of a more widely-held opinion that postpartum mood disorders are simply a normal part of parenthood. Many believe that long-lasting depression or anxiety is only experienced by mothers who are not taking care of themselves or are weak.

The backlash was immediate and fierce. “Warrior moms” lead by the passionate Postpartum Progress founder, Katherine Stone, filled the Twitter-sphere with hundreds of comments accompanied by the hashtag #meditateonthis. Their statements argued that postpartum depression is an extremely serious, sometimes fatal condition that frequently calls for more than meditation, prayer and love.

Aarti Sequeira ‏(@aartipaarti): Wow @marwilliamson. Have you suffered from PPD? It is so much more than a “rough day”.

Alena (@Alena29): The bonus benefit to screenings is educating doctors and breaking down doors to get information in more hands. #meditateonthis

TiffanyDolci (@TiffanyDolci): @marwilliamson #meditateonthis I would not be here today to fight the #stigma you’re creating without my #medication #ppd

Amanda Magee (@AmandaMagee): If you hurt, there’s pain If you ache, there are wounds Need help? You deserve help You aren’t broken, you are fixable. #meditateonthis

Katherine Stone (‏@postpartumprog): Every #PPD mom doesn’t need medication. But she does need to be recognized. And helped. #meditateonthis

Photo-Jan-27-5-57-33-PM

These women (and a few men) brilliantly and fiercely argued that PPD is about more than feeling a little sad. While “baby blues” are a common hormonal adjustment that typically last no more than two weeks, perinatal mental illness is vastly more critical and can have devastating consequences if left untreated.

I can vouch for this. I’ve worked with hundreds of women who have sat in tears in my office discussing the emotional difficulties they are experiencing during a pregnancy or following the birth of a child. Yes, meditation and mindfulness can help. Yes, prayer, yoga and of course, love can ease someone down the path to recovery. But there are times when a more serious intervention is called for. Cognitive-behavioral therapy, medication and sometimes hospitalization might be necessary and even life saving.

If I could chat with Williamson, I would share the story of a mother in my community who suffered from postpartum psychosis. Her house was full of loving family members who were offering her support and prayer. Tragically, this women’s obsessive thoughts and delusional thinking led her to hang herself in her bathroom, whilst her family was in the living room, giving her a breather from caring for her newborn. It’s impossible to ask “what if?” questions after a shattering loss such as this, but the ultimate hope is that more screening of women will lead to more immediate treatment and less pain and heartache for families every where.

Postpartum depression and other perinatal mood disorders are serious business. We CANNOT afford to go backward in our efforts to destigmatize this condition, raise awareness and make diagnosis and treatment more available to women every where. As Avital N. Nathman from The Mama Festo tweeted:

A call for more screening DOES NOT = more meds. It means more providers being trained properly to look for #PPD & help #meditateonthis

Who can possibly argue against that?

You Are Entering The Baby Time Zone

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Ever notice how young children measure time with holidays and seasons? Ask a child about the calendar and they’ll tell you the special occasion they’re looking forward to next and what kind of fun and sweets will accompany it. They determine seasons by what is thrown on them as they walk out the door — a coat and knitted hat or sunscreen and bug spray. For little ones, summer is sort of that magical combination of both season and holiday — a long expanse of nothingness, filled with weekly swimming excursions and occasional periods of blessed boredom.

Then you become an adult and time conveniently organizes itself into neat and tidy rows on the wall calendar. Boredom is replaced with ‘To Do’ lists and stress. Your life morphs into five-day stretches, cushioned by weekends on either side, serving as much needed restorative bookends. A day timer or calendar app becomes your compass. Life feels scheduled, predictable and somewhat controllable.

Until you have a baby.

Baby_time

Bring a baby into the world, and you enter an entirely different time zone. The calendar and all it represents cease to have meaning.

You get a preview of this new time zone when you go into labor and every minute counts. Minutes between contractions. Minutes of pain. Minutes of pushing and pushing and pushing. The exact minute that your baby exits your womb, whether through C-section or through your cervix, is recorded in ink on paper.

Never has a moment in time meant so much. It marks the beginning of a new life for both you and your baby.

For the first few weeks with your newborn, standard time goes out the window. Days and nights are flipped. Hours fly by as you gaze at your little miracle. Minutes of sleep are welcome and crying spells seem to last for ages.

And then slowly, you and your little person settle down into 45 or 90 minute increments of nursing, sleeping and playing. Despite these repetitive activities, your schedule remains unpredictable and irregular. There are days when time creeps by, and you wonder how you can already be on your third meal by 10am. Many mothers find themselves staring at the clock, counting the minutes until their husband gets home from the office. After working in a bustling career, a day with an infant can feel never ending.

Don’t get too comfy. There will also be days when the hours stream by and you barely make it to the bathroom. When your partner walks in the door, you greet them in unchanged pajamas with a grimace that says, “Don’t even ask…” The dishes are unwashed. Dinner is definitely not made. Brownie points if you’ve brushed your hair or fed yourself. These days of nothing accomplished can feel overwhelming for women who took pride in being especially productive and efficient before becoming a mother. If you can remind yourself that ALL new parents have days like this, that you have the rest of your life to wash dishes, you’ll be a lot better off.

Here’s the deal: When we fly to another continent, we prepare ourselves for the jet lag. We give ourselves time to adjust to the new time zone and often add in hours for extra sleep. I always encourage expectant parents to consider making the same mental preparations before they have a baby. You are not only entering a new time zone, you are entering a new way of being. Be patient with yourself and the clock. If you can find a way to enjoy the zany time warp, do it. Howl at the moon since you are the only one up at 3am. Binge watch Netflix at 10 am, because you can.

Slowly, gradually your days will be more predictable. It will become easier to block out time for self-care and socializing. The calendar will take on a new relevance and you can resume tracking events on your day timer. In the meantime, enjoy this schedule-free time. Before you know it, your life outside of home will be jam-packed full again.

Here’s to Sanity and Day Timers,

Kirsten

 

 

 

 

Photo Credit: massonforstock / 123RF Stock Photo

6 Survival Tips for Parenting When You’re Sick

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Holiday adventures.

Holiday adventures.

This Thanksgiving holiday I had a house full of extended family and a weather forecast full of rain. Despite the gloomy prognosis, I’m thrilled to announce that the visit went remarkably smoothly. The kids all got along – no meltdowns, no big brawls. The adults all got along – no meltdowns, no big brawls. We went on several adventures and had plenty of quality time at home. Overall, it was a very successful week… except for one thing: I got sick. Really sick.

My throat began feeling sore at the beginning of the visit and by the time my sister and her daughters boarded the plane home, I had a high-fever and could barely swallow. My doctor confirmed a diagnosis of strep and I went home with a prescription and an order to kick up my feet and rest.

For most moms I know, kicking up their feet and resting is a near impossibility. There are kids that need to be fed, bathed and bedded. Life doesn’t just stop because mom or dad isn’t feeling well. As the spot-on Nyquil commercials imply, Moms and Dads don’t get PTO or sick days, amIright?

 After 11 years of being a parent, I’ve done the sick-parenting thing many, many times, and I’m here to offer you support and suggestions (that actually don’t involve Nyquil, although I know parents who swear by the stuff):

1. Do the bare minimum: Forget the laundry. Pull out the paper plates. Housecleaning, baths and phone calls can wait. Make sure everyone gets fed and stays safe. All other tasks and priorities can be put on hold. The more your rest, the more quickly you will feel like yourself again. You can catch up on everything when you are well. And you will catch up – like Superwoman on steroids, because you’ll feel like a new person!

2. Call in the troops and ask for help: You’re probably thinking, Duh… This one is kind of a no brainer. But for many of us parents, asking for help and handing the reins to someone else can be challenging. When you are the captain of your ship, and your know exactly how your kids like their sandwiches and precisely what routine will help them go to the sleep at night, it is hard to ask someone to step in and do your job. Even your spouse! On the last day of my sister’s visit, my illness had rendered me pathetic. My husband was out, so I asked her to handle the last meal of the day with the kids. I could hear pans and dishing clanging in the kitchen and I made the conscious choice to let go and let her be in charge – not something that comes easy for me!

3. Make it a lesson in empathy: I’ve said this countless times before, but it is OK and even beneficial for our kids to see us being vulnerable and human. Moms and dads get sick too – we aren’t robots. As your little ones get older, you might be surprised with the tenderness and empathy they exhibit when they see you suffering with a cold. My 10 yr. old takes on a whole new level of independence when he observes me looking like death warmed over. Capitalize on these moments of role reversal and allow the little people to care for the caretaker (or at the least entertain themselves).

parenting when sick

4. Keep your germs to your self: There is only one thing worse than parenting when you are sick. Parenting when you AND your child are sick. Mark those episodes down as all time lows in the kid-rearing adventures. My recommendation? Wash your hands often, avoid close contact and cup sharing and let your partner or another healthy adult handle bath time and food prep if at all possible. Most of the time, it is fine to breastfeed because you are actually boosting your baby’s immunity, but be sure to ask your doctor. If you can keep the rest of your crew healthy, it will help to speed along your own healing.

5. Throw your “Perfect Parent” hat out the window: Perhaps you usually limit your kids to one hour of screen time a day? Maybe you make it a practice to get your baby out on a walk in the fresh air every afternoon? You probably have wonderful routines that make you the great parent that you are. Forget about all of that. Don’t worry about the TV being on all day or cold pizza being served for dinner. Your number one priority should be resting and getting well.

And now that I’ve given you those 5 tips, my final advice is…

6. Avoid getting sick in the first place: Do what works for you to keep your immune system strong and your stress levels down so that you stay healthy and well during the cold and flu season. (I’m really lecturing myself here.) Elderberry, Vitamin C, Emergencees — pick your potion and drink your liquids. Because, no matter how many tips I give you for parenting when you’re sick, it still kinda sucks. So wash your hands, get your sleep and keep your body strong. You’re doing the hardest job there is, and you need your strength to do it!

Here’s to Sanity and Echinacea,

Kirsten

Expect the Best, Prepare for the Worst

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Most parents I know have at least one, but usually multiple stories involving a pee or poop disaster out in public. In my case, it involved some Haribo Gummy Bears, a preschooler, a baby, a restaurant bathroom that had run out of paper towels and a diaper bag that was left at home. I tell this story not to gross you out (although you probably will be grossed out) but to help you learn from my obvious parenting gaffe.

It was a sunny afternoon and my kids and I were going stir crazy at home. I decided on a whim to whisk them off to an enormous play-scape, nestled in between a bunch of restaurants near our home. I considered grabbing the diaper bag but I noted that my toddler had just had a diaper change and my preschooler had recently conquered potty training. Our neighborhood was right across the street so we could run home if needed, right? (First big mistake.) I threw my boys, two sippy cups and myself in the car and took off. Three cheers for spontaneity!

gummy

Things began to go awry when my 3-year-old noticed an old bag of Haribo Gummy Bears in the car. Did you know that Haribo bears are famous for their laxative effect? Well… I didn’t. And being in the care-free mood that I was, I said, “Sure, have some gummy bears!” (Second big mistake.)

After arriving at the playground, we busied ourselves with typical climbing and swinging activities until it happened: My 3 yo. began walking toward me awkwardly and I noticed something oozing down his leg. Yup, the Haribo gummy bears had done their magic.

“Oh. No.” I muttered.

“OK… let’s get ourselves to the bathroom.” I scooped up one child in each arm and speed-walked my way to the closest restaurant and directly into their restroom, where I promptly discovered the absence of paper towels.

I’m not going to go into a lot of detail here, because you can probably imagine what happened next. With no diaper bag and no paper towels, I was pretty much helpless. I threw several items of clothing in the trash and did my best to mop up the rest of the mess with toilet paper. I only paused from my frantic clean up attempts to beg my toddler to “Please don’t crawl over there! Please don’t touch that! Please don’t put your fingers there!”

Fortunately my son’s t-shirt was long enough that when I carried him and his baby brother back through the playground, no one noticed that he was wearing nothing below the waist. My guardian angels threw me a bone when I found a spare towel in the trunk of my car. I wrapped him in it, strapped him in his car seat and headed home for a long, hot soak in the bath.

All in all, it wasn’t a big deal. A little poop. A little mess. A lot of embarrassment, especially when another woman walked into the restroom and visibly reacted to the odorous mayhem.

My take-away from the day? Never leave the house without the diaper bag. Just. Don’t.

The mistake I made that afternoon is that I expected the best but I didn’t prepare for the worst. That was outside the usual norm for me. Usually I am ALL OVER  the worst. Most parents I know naturally evolve into what I call “Worst Case Scenario Experts”. They are able to magically predict all of the possible scenarios that can arise in a certain situation and be amazingly prepared. I am a strong believer in positive thinking and the power of visualization. But when you become a parent, you also have to continually foresee all pitfalls and disasters.

Here are examples and suggestions for how this comes into play, all the way from pregnancy to older kids:

Labor & Delivery:

Expect the best – Visualize how you want the birth of your child to go. Your body was designed to do this incredible job. Go into the experience with confidence that you can make your birth plan work for you. Take childbirth classes and talk with experts who will give you information and tools to manage your pain and ultimately create the birth experience you want to have.

Prepare for the worst – Talk with your partner, your doula, your midwife and/or your doctor about Plan B if things don’t go as you hoped. How do you feel about the various pain-relief options? Are you open to epidurals? If you are planning a home birth, and need to be transported to a hospital, will you be prepared? In the event that you require an emergency C-section, does your doctor or midwife have a protocol that they follow?

Newborn Care & Breastfeeding:

Expect the best – Take infant care and breastfeeding classes to arm yourself with wisdom and guidance on how to proceed with these new tasks. The more info you have the more confident you will feel. Imagine yourself being a fabulous new parent. Even if you and your baby struggle with some of the new skills at first, you will most likely work out the kinks as time passes.

Prepare for the worst – Have the phone numbers of lactation consultants and sleep experts on standby in case you need a little advice or encouragement. Ask your experienced-parent friends if you can call them every once in awhile for mini-consults. Know that perfectly healthy infants struggle with reflux or colic at times – this does not mean you are a failure as a parent. Ask for help when needed.

Self-Care & Relationship Care:

Expect the best – You and your partner will be tired and emotional as new parents, but you will also find yourself experiencing periods of euphoria and incredible love for this little person you just brought into the world. You will also feel closer than ever at times. Visualize yourself easily navigating the physical strains of being new parents and getting stronger and more competent with time.

Prepare for the worst – If your friends want to set up a meal calendar, say yes! If they want to send in a cleaning service or a diaper service, say yes again! You can always cancel these things later if you feel like you don’t need them. If you are prone to depression or anxiety, don’t be afraid to reach out to a counselor ahead of the birth of your child. Ask close friends and family members to be on stand-by in case you and/or your partner need a sanity break or a rest. Stock your fridge with healthy foods and your Netflix queue with great flicks, so that you and your partner can enjoy all of the together time you will have in your family room.

Toddlers and Preschoolers:

Expect the best – Don’t think your life will be put on hold just because you have little ones. You can still go to the outdoor concerts, brewery parties and big family events. Your kids will benefit from being out and about. Expect that they are going to be thriving and growing as they get older. Get ready for tons of fun.

ice cream mess

Prepare for the worst – We went over this earlier, but let me repeat: always have a diaper bag filled with the basics (burp cloths, wipes, diapers, tissues, changing pad, change of clothes, snacks, sippy cups/bottles, plastic bags, etc.). Have it ready to go so you can grab it on a moment’s notice and always feel prepared. Have small toys or treats ready for those times you have to wait in a long line. Have a favorite blankie or stuffed animal ready for meltdowns. Don’t forget to bring a bottle of water and snacks for yourself. You need to take care of you!

And on a grander scale, if you have any concerns about your child’s development, behavior or sleep, do not be afraid or embarrassed to consult with your pediatrician or another expert.

And so it goes… As your kids get older, you will continue to prepare yourself for worst-case scenarios while fully enjoying their development more than ever. There will be less in your diaper bag and more experiences in your memory banks. Keep the positive expectations coming – you have some amazing stuff ahead of you!

Here’s to Strength and Gummy Bears,

Kirsten

How to Validate Your Partner Like a Parking Ticket – 3 Tips for Great Listening

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validate

Doesn’t it feel good when you walk up to the restaurant counter with a $10 parking garage slip and the hostess stamps her little stamp on it, magically making the cost of parking go down to $0?

It feels really good.

That’s exactly how it feels to be truly validated by your partner. To have your partner put down their phone, look into your eyes and listen to you with all of their senses. Your emotional load is immediately lightened and you feel empowered to move forward.

I’ll give you an example from my own relationship that happened a few weeks ago. My husband came home from work feeling frustrated. Actually, more than frustrated. Pissed off. He shared that he received some feedback from a supervisor. He felt like there was a misunderstanding. He said he was blindsided by the criticisms and felt like he was being undervalued.

Being a counselor, you would think that I would instantly jump into active listening mode. But even we counselors can skip the validating and speed ahead to problem solving and criticism. My first impulse was to say things like: Well, haven’t I given you that feedback before? OR Maybe your boss has a point. OR Omigosh, we need you to keep your job dude. Get it together!

Fortunately, my brain got it together that evening. I paused, took a breath and switched into validation mode. “I’m sorry that you had a crappy day. That completely sucks. Can I give you a hug?”

validating_communication

I let my husband vent and process until he had purged his frustrations, and then we gently moved into “what next?” mode: “What can you do to prevent this next time? How do you want to confront your supervisor about how this was handled?”

The tables are frequently turned. Sometimes my husband comes home in the evening and I’m up to my armpits in parenting frustration and exhaustion. When he says things like, “I’m sorry it was a rough day. I have those too. I know you are doing your best” he wins the husband-of–the-year award.

In those moments, I’m not looking for problem solving or constructive feedback. I’m looking for someone to really hear me, which leads me to the 3 Steps to Validating Your Partner:

Step 1 – Turn Off Your Engines and Tune In: The greatest threats to good listening these days are distractions. They surround us, always humming in the background – smart phones, Pandora, TV, radio, screaming kids, chores, iPads and video games. When your mate has something that she or he needs to talk about, press the pause button on everything, sit down and make eye contact. Simple as it sounds, it is often challenging to do in our over-stimulating world.

Step 2 – Listen and Reflect: Hear the words that your partner is saying. Resist the urge to start forming a response or solution. Just listen. Ask questions to gather more info: How did he respond when you said that? What did you say after that? Ugh, how did that make you feel? And then what happened? Reflect back what you are hearing. And listen some more.

Step 3 – Validate and Empathize: This is where you jump in with the warm fuzzy stuff that makes all of us feel better. That sounds hard. That really stinks. I would have felt the same way. I can imagine that was tough for you. That’s kinda effed up!! You get the picture. You’re letting your partner know that you are on their team and have their back.

Repeat 1-3 as long as you need to. Usually you will find the conversation naturally winding down and switching gears into problem solving. But don’t rush to that space. If you take your time, you’ll notice the energy in the room starting to calm and a strengthened connection between you and your partner.

listening

As always, there’s a caveat. If you find that your significant other greets you with a load of complaints and frustrations on a daily or hourly basis, you might begin to feel like a dumping ground. Don’t hesitate to speak up if the communication tables are unbalanced and you’re always on the receiving end. This might be an opportunity to encourage your mate to connect with a counselor or even another trusted friend or family member who can share the role of sounding board.

Last note – these listening skills will also come in handy with your kids. Listen in and listen well. You’ll find your young ones opening up and talking to you more.

Want more instruction on empathy? It’s a tricky skill to figure out and Brené Brown does an incredible job of spelling it out in this animated video. Watch, learn and enjoy:

 

Here’s to Sanity and Parking Garages,

Kirsten

 

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