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On Raising Twins :: Wednesday Wisdom

April 22, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Sadia-Rodriguez

Meet Sadia.  She is a working single mother of identical twin daughters.  In the odd minute she finds between raising her daughters, running a home, driving her commute and working as a business analyst, she runs the multi-authored blog, How Do You Do It?, created by and for parents of twins, triplets and more.  Sadia also serves as the Single Parent Coordinator for Multiples of America.  Sadia grew up in Europe and Asia but now shares a home with her 8 yr old daughters, J and M, in the suburbs of Austin, Texas. We wanted to pick Sadia’s brain about her experience of raising twins and learn more about HDYDI, the amazing blog that supports parents of multiples.

BPP: So… what was it like when you found out that you were having twins?  Was it something you had planned or hoped for?

BWRodriguez9552BW

S: I don’t think anyone ever plans on having twins, but there was a tiny part of me that hoped for it, just based on the large number of twins and triplets in my husband’s family.  The earliest I was prepared to have children was age 26 and my husband wanted to be done by age 24. We agreed on having two kids.  Our twins’ birth, which happened 6 days before I turned 27 and 23 days before my husband turned 25, made an impossible set of requirements work!  We knew we were looking at twins on the first ultrasound, 7 weeks into the pregnancy, before the technician even said a word.  We were both thrilled and just wanted to be sure there were two and not three!  We would have been equally happy with triplets, but wanted to know how many cribs to get.

BPP: Can you share about your pregnancy?  Was it challenging carrying two little ones?  Did the birth go as planned?

S: Any multiple birth is automatically categorized as “high-risk” because of the elevated risk of preterm birth and other complications.  For those like me, lucky enough to have uncomplicated pregnancies, that simply translates to more frequent visits with the obstetrician and an ultrasound at every visit.  I had a dream pregnancy.  No morning sickness.  No reflux.  No swollen ankles.  Fabulous hair and skin.  Everything went great until my water broke, without warning, 7 weeks before the twins were due.  The emergency C-section was extremely traumatic, but fortunately their early start hasn’t had any lasting effects on my daughters.

BPP: How did you prepare for bringing two babies home from the hospital? Did you consult with any experts or websites on how to prepare for twins?

S: Since J and M decided to enter the world 2 months ahead of schedule, final preparations were never completed.  However, I spent a year in therapy before getting pregnant to make sure that I could be in the best emotional shape of my life going into motherhood.  My general approach was to be an honest and open mother, to allow my children to see my mistakes and how I recover from them.  Everything else in my parenting arsenal stems from that transparency, with a final goal of readying my children for an independent, productive, and happy adulthood.  My preparation for the specifics of twins was limited to intense and wonderful conversations with my husband’s aunt (who has fraternal triplets) and great-aunt (who has identical twins).

BPP: Challenges with breastfeeding and sleep deprivation are extremely common for new parents, even with only one baby! Do you remember how you coped with feeding and waking up with two infants?

S: The babies were both home with me at 20 days old.  By then, my husband had shipped off to California for pre-Iraq combat training!  During maternity leave, I quite literally spent half my time breastfeeding: 45 minutes for M, then 45 minutes for J, then repeat 90 minutes later!  I was so grateful that they’d latched at all after my nearly 3 weeks on a pump and feeding tubes that it didn’t seem too overwhelming.

Something happened to my body chemistry that allowed me to perform basic functions on just 3-4 hours of total sleep in 45-minute chunks.  When I say, “basic functions”, I mean keeping myself and the babies alive.  There was a day when I got to work only to realize that I’d put my pants on inside out in my sleep deprived haze. I  maintained a notebook of feedings, diapers and baths because I wasn’t forming any lasting memories and didn’t want to risk feeding one baby twice and the other not at all!

The true source of my sanity was my friend Sara, whose (one!) baby was 14 days younger than mine.  We were pregnant together and sent our husbands to Iraq together.  Although she was an SAHM and I worked, it really felt like we were in it together.  She was never scared off by my two babies, and she also knew that I could take on a third when she needed a moment.  Also, having a childcare provider I trusted meant the world when I returned to work.  The babies were only 11 weeks old, developmentally 4 weeks old, at the end of maternity leave.

BPP: Can you share about the first few years of being parents of two? Any challenges or successes that surprised you? How did it impact your relationship with their father?

Sadia&girls

S: I came to motherhood with an assumption that my children would be pliant clay, everything about them attributable to something I or their father had done right or wrong.  Instead, they came out with fully formed personalities.  They even kicked and punched differently in utero!  They certainly have a lot in common, but M and J are very, very different young ladies.  It took no time at all for me to realize that my job as a mother was to give them each the tools her particular personality required for success in life.  I would have very little to do with who they were and was along for the ride!  I had imagined that parenthood would be a thankless grind and was shocked by how much fun I was having.  You can’t dance to classic Madonna with a giggling 6-month-old on each hip and not be filled with bone deep joy.

My husband was deployed in Iraq for 15 months of our daughters first two years, and away for training several months besides.  I had hoped to parent as a team even while he was away, but we hardly heard from him.  I don’t think the children made any difference in our relationship.  Our physical distance and communication limitations kept us from having much of a relationship at all.

BPP: You are a frequent contributor and coordinator with the blog, How Do You Do It? (HDYDI), a website where “Moms of multiples tell it like it is.”  How did you connect with this blog?  How do you feel that it has benefited both you and other parents of multiples?

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S: I ran across HDYDI when my daughters were about 2 years old.  I knew I’d found my tribe, mothers who really understood the ins and outs of parenting young twins.  I left a comment on a post or two and quickly felt like part of the community.  It was several years before I began contributing regularly, and shortly after that, I took over coordination.

How Do You Do It?  is a family where MoMs (that’s MoM-speak for “mothers of multiples”) understand that there is no one way to parent, run a family or be a woman.  We have mothers from different family structures, different countries, several religions, completely different politics, and with children of all ages.  We come together with the shared goals of doing right by our kids and making it through each day.  In a lot of other places, I run into the assumption that an answer that is right for one pair of twins must be right for all twins.  I’ve never seen that at HDYDI.  In raising children who shared a womb and a birthday, we all get to see up close how unique each child is, while acknowledging how special the wombmate bond can be.

BPP: Since having your twins, you and your husband have divorced. You have also maintained a successful career as a full-time business analyst. You definitely wear a lot of hats: single mother of twins, career woman, blog coordinator and more. To echo the title of your blog, How do you do it??  Any tips on maintaining balance when you have a lot on your plate?

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S: That’s a big question!  In short, recognize that you can’t do it all right now, and that’s okay.  Prioritize what matters and forget or delay the rest.  My recommendation is to find the 5 things that matter to you most.  Your list might include marriage, education, nutrition, friends and sleep.  Or perhaps it’s breastfeeding, working to a promotion, taking a shower daily, eating one non-cereal meal and having one conversation with your spouse that isn’t about the children.  There’s no right answer.  At the end of every week, look back and see whether you put the bulk of you energy toward those things.  Readjust accordingly.

BPP: Do you mind sharing which topics or concerns come up the most on the HDYDI blog and how you give support and encouragement to expectant or new parents of twins?

S: The top topics of discussion are these:

– What do “identical” and “fraternal” even mean, and how do I know what mine are? http://hdydi.com/2014/03/12/identical-or-fraternal-a-primer/

– How can I make breastfeeding work with more than one? http://hdydi.com/2014/01/29/ask-moms-tandem-nurse/

– How do I run errands with all these small people? http://hdydi.com/2013/10/21/grocery-shopping-twin-more/

– Should my multiples be in the same or different classrooms? http://hdydi.com/2015/02/27/twins-and-school-together-apart/

– How should I tackle ignorant questions and comments? http://hdydi.com/2013/07/26/its-okay-to-think-it-responding-to-twin-comments/

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving pointer to expectant or new parents, especially parents of multiples, what would it be?

S: Remember the Golden Rule and turn it on yourself.  Treat yourself as you would treat others.  Know that you are enough as a parent, whether you accept help to get it all done or you take shortcuts to make things work.  Don’t strive for perfection, because you… and your children… will always fall short.  Your children learn by watching you.  If you don’t turn self-criticism to either productive change or acceptance, neither will your kids.  If you do accept yourself and do your best, so will they.

Sadia, thank you so much for sharing your experience with your two daughters and your insight. Even for those of us who will never have twins or triplets, your pointers are invaluable! ♥ – C & K

Be sure to check out the How Do You Do It? Blog at this link.

And stay in the loop with HDYDI, Sadia and other parents of multiples on the HDYDI Facebook page.

A Different Kind of Discipline :: Wednesday Wisdom

March 10, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Caitlyn Weeks, MA, LPC-I

Caitlyn Weeks, MA, LPC-I

Most parents struggle with behavior management issues at some point in their child’s development. For some, the challenges might begin at 18 months when a little one tries out their first tantrum. Other parents don’t see behavior issues until they have teenagers in the house. They are the lucky few. Regardless of when the challenges occur, it is great to have a discipline philosophy ready and waiting. (Something that I certainly didn’t think of when I had my first baby!)

Natalie Love,

Natalie Love, LMFT-A, LPC

That is precisely why I wanted to interview Caitlyn Weeks, MA, LPC-Intern and Natalie Love, LMFT-A, LPC , two individuals who know a lot about the Positive Discipline approach to parenting and behavior management. Caitlyn works with parents, teens and families at Austin Family Counseling, under the supervision of Lora Ferguson, LPC-S. Natalie also practices at Austin Family Counseling and specializes in adults, couples and LBGTQ+ clients. Both hold the title of Certified Positive Discipline Parenting Educator and both are amazing resources for parents, families and teens in Austin. To read more about Caitlyn and Natalie’s backgrounds and specialties, click on their photos.

BPP: How did you two become interested in learning more about the Positive Discipline (PD) philosophy?

Caitlyn: While wading through a mountain of models and resources in graduate school, one of my favorite professors introduced me to Positive Discipline. This was around the time that I was really embracing the concept of working with families as unique systems (instead of individuals in isolation). Because I have a passion for working with teens, I was looking for a way to invite parents into the work and offer tools that would be beneficial for the whole system. The long-term benefits of PD really connected with how I experienced my parents as a child and how I relate to them as an adult. I wanted to learn more and pursued advanced training in 2013 and have been using the model with families in sessions, seminars, and groups ever since.

Natalie: When I started working with Austin Family Counseling, many of the therapists were trained in Positive Discipline. When I began learning about the approach I was really interested in how to apply the model in my own family. I was drawn to the model because it focuses on connection and encouragement rather than rewards and punishments. I was feeling discouraged as a new parent and was getting advice from my own mother and in-laws on how to do things, but didn’t really agree with some of their approaches. When I started applying PD at home my own mother was a little skeptical. She wanted to know where the punishment came in, because that is how she learned to parent. It has been so rewarding to see our extended family get on-board with this model (despite their initial skepticism) as they see how effective and beneficial it has been (and continues to be) for both our son and family as a whole.

BPP: Can you describe the foundation/basics of this discipline style?

Caitlyn: At its core, Positive Discipline is based on fostering connection in relationships. Dr. Jane Nelsen developed the model while studying the work of psychologists Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikers and attempting to make sense of her own family life and parenting strategies in the process. PD is designed to help families engage with social and life skills that encourage the development of respectful, responsible, and resourceful young people.

The five basic goals of the Positive Discipline approach:

  • balance kindness and firmness
  • promote connection
  • achieve long-term effectiveness
  • teach social and life skills for good character
  • invite the discovery of capability and appropriate/constructive use of personal power

Positive Discipline Tools focus on:

  • modeling and promoting mutual respect
  • learning effective communication and problem solving skills
  • prioritizing solutions instead of punishment and encouragement instead of praise
  • recognizing mistakes as opportunities for learning without permissiveness or punishment

Parents are also able to move beyond behavior modification by gaining an understanding of the beliefs children hold at the core of misbehaviors and how to work with those beliefs or “mistaken goals” of behavior in the long-term.

BPP: What do you believe sets PD apart from other behavior management or parenting approaches?

Caitlyn: This model isn’t about becoming a perfect parent. Many parents come to this model with “resource fatigue” and find relief in our hands-on application of tools. PD invites action in an approachable way and teaches concepts through experiential activities that encourage parents to practice tools and strategies in a fun, supportive, and engaging community. PD also focuses on successes and challenges, not simply misbehavior. Parents learn how to truly encourage their children and celebrate their unique gifts and talents while helping them become capable, empowered young people and fostering self-esteem.

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BPP: What are the benefits of using this philosophy with kids?

Natalie: When you identify the underlying belief behind a child’s behavior it allows for connection and compassion, which I feel creates a stronger, more trusting relationship between the parent and child. Parenting is not easy but when we can maintain connection with our children, I feel it can be less discouraging when facing expected and inevitable challenges.

BPP: How early do you recommend parents start using these concepts with their children?

Natalie: I first began learning about PD when my son was about 2 years old. A lot of the tools were not easily applicable with him because he wasn’t verbal enough or did not yet have the ability to comprehend some of the ideas. However, learning and grasping the concepts as a parent was still very helpful for me in understanding his behaviors. Now he is 3 ½ and we are able to apply more of the tangible tools which have been really effective. I think parents of any age child can benefit from learning the model, but implementing some of the specific activities and tools is probably easier with children that are 3 and up.

Caitlyn: I agree with Natalie that the framework of the model is helpful at any age, but the tools really become useful around age 3 and up. This model is also fantastic for families with teens and I use it regularly in that way. Regardless of the age of the child(ren), this work invites parents to develop a greater understanding of they were parented and how those experiences inform the way they parent their own children. During times of challenge, we often revert to the type of parenting we experienced as children, so the awareness this model brings is invaluable in empowering parents to be proactive instead of reactive. Personally, I find the tools are also relevant to my relationship with my husband and we do our best to use the communication strategies frequently. A specific model for couples is currently in development and we’re looking forward to its release.

BPP: How can parents learn more about PD and start using the techniques with their own children?

Natalie: Reading the books is definitely helpful, but I have found the workshops and groups to be most effective for me in really grasping the concepts. There is something very powerful about the experiential piece, especially when co-parents can participate together! It is fun and interactive and having the shared experience helps lessen some of the shame and fear that come up as a parent. Austin Family Counseling is offering brief introductory sessions to Positive Discipline for those interested in learning more or getting a refresher on a specific topic. I think that is a really approachable way to get a feel for PD before committing to a full workshop. For those who are ready to take the plunge, our practice also offers 8-week and weekend intensive groups for parents.

Caitlyn: In addition to books and workshops, parent coaching is an invaluable way to engage with the model. With parent coaching, we offer one-on-one sessions tailored to fit your unique parenting concerns and challenges. My coaching clients receive a combination of resources and materials, “troubleshooting,” a safe place to vent constructively, and plenty of accountability and encouragement. The Austin Family Counseling Blog frequently features PD topics and is a great way to learn more about our therapists who offer parent coaching. I also think the Positive Discipline Blog is a wonderful resource for parents who are curious and interested in learning more.

BPP: Does it help with some of the biggest parent stressors such as tantrums and potty training?

Natalie: Definitely! The book, Positive Discipline A-Z: 1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems book is one of my “go-to” resources for day to day parenting stressors.  You can quickly look up a topic, like tantrums, hitting, etc. and find tangible suggestions & considerations related to the issue.

BPP: What does this model look like in a private practice setting? Do you use the concepts from the PD model in your work with young clients and families?

Caitlyn: I use this model daily. Many parents come in with specific challenges or topics they would like to address and I find that Positive Discipline provides concrete, proactive strategies that lead to long-lasting results. With my teen clients, we use PD to discover empowering ways to interact with parents and other adults (teachers, coaches, bosses, etc.). The relational emphasis of PD also offers a great framework for exploring peer relationships, dating, and identity development. Regardless of the age of the client, I do my best to create an environment that is rooted in values of mutual respect, kindness, firmness, and trust. When interactions are supportive, safe, and reliable we feel better; when we feel better, we do better.

Natalie: I work mostly with adults and couples and definitely find this approach applicable! I often apply these concepts with couples and they love being able to take it home and apply it with their families. It is empowering for couples to take the tangible tools that they can relate to themselves and then see the impact it has on their family as a whole.

BPP: If you had to give one piece of sanity-saving advice to new parents, what would it be?  

Natalie: You are not alone and this journey is not about being perfect! Try not to compare yourself to others, especially what you see on social media etc. People like to portray their “best selves” to the public, but we can all connect with the struggle. It’s more vulnerable to show the messy side of parenting, but it is much more authentic! This is not easy and that is okay. We can support one another, so don’t be afraid to reach out!

Caitlyn: I couldn’t have said it better. Even if it were possible to be a perfect parent, who wants to be around “perfect”? Perfection is a dangerous goal that creates automatic failure for ourselves and others. It also gets in the way of some of our most valuable opportunities for repair, connection, and growth. When you open yourself to the practice of embracing mistakes as wonderful opportunities for learning, the need for perfection falls away and creates space for something much more amazing. Recognize mistakes, learn from them, and ask for help and support as often as you need it!

Want to learn more about Caitlyn? Have a question for her? Go to this link: http://austinfamilycounseling.com/caitlyn-weeks/

Want to learn more about Natalie? Have a question for her? Go to this link: http://austinfamilycounseling.com/natalie-love/

I wish I had learned about Positive Discipline years ago when my boys were little guys! I appreciate Caitlyn and Natalie taking the time to fill us in on this wonderful discipline philosophy. It sounds like the perfect fit for 21st century parents. – KB ♥

Kicking Parenting Shame to the Curb :: Monday Musing

March 9, 2015 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

parent_shame

My eyes tend to wander when I’m in the grocery store check-out line.  Typically, I’m scanning the magazines and tabloids, catching up on two minutes of trashy news while I wait.  The other day, something else caught my attention.  I noticed a couple in the check out line next to me, waiting for their groceries to be bagged and loaded up.  They had a double stroller with them, the kind that fits two infant car seats.

One infant was nestled all snug in her car seat.  The other infant, let’s call him Twin #2, was strapped to mom in a baby carrier.  Twin #2, who looked to be about two-months-old, was clearly done with shopping.  He was screaming as loudly as his little two-month-old lungs could manage.  My eyes drifted to the parents.  Their faces revealed a combination of emotions: embarrassment, stress, exhaustion and frustration.  I could almost read their thoughts.  Ugh, why did we think this was a good idea to bring both babies to the store?  It’s just a matter of time before Twin #1 starts crying. And we’re stuck at the grocery store with no place to nurse.  What were we thinking?

I wanted to leap across the check-out lane and give them a high-five. “Hey! You braved the wilderness with your infant twins and took them on an outing together.  Good for you.  Sure, your baby is crying, but none of us mind.  You can’t stay cooped up in the house all of the time waiting for the day that they don’t cry any more.  Come and hang out in the grocery store any time with those sweeties… it’s baby happy hour in here.”

Instead, I stayed quiet. I was quite sure that the mom and dad, with their furrowed brows, were not in the mood for my cheerleading that morning.

The incident triggered several memories for me, memories of parenting tension and shame.

I remembered feeling tense when my husband and I decided to take our newborn out on a dinner date with us. I couldn’t relax because I was eying the infant carrier the entire time, waiting for our little guy to wake up screaming.   I recalled feeling pressure when my milk wouldn’t let down for my hungry 5-month-old baby and I had a whole dinner party waiting on me.  I also remembered feeling shame when I was juggling both a tantruming toddler and a crying infant in the cereal aisle at the grocery store. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

Here’s what I’ve learned since then: Babies cry. Toddlers have fits. Parents are imperfect. When we recognize and accept these universal truths, it makes parenting a whole lot easier.

My advice to the parents of those twins? Get out and about and ditch the embarrassment.  Allow your babies to be babies, and allow yourself to be human.  The rest of us are busy reading about the Kardashian’s in the express lane and not bothered at all by your baby’s crying.  Or we’re dealing with our own fussy little one, completely preoccupied.  Parenting is all about trial and plenty of error. The trick is to give ourselves and our babies loads of grace as we work through the trials and embrace the errors.

Here’s to Sanity and Tabloids,

Kirsten

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Feeding Your Little Ones :: Wednesday Wisdom

February 25, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Cheryl&baby

Meet Cheryl Carey, MSW. She is the founder of Taste & See Healthy Baby Food, an organization that offers tips, recipes, instructional classes and hands-on cooking workshops to parents who want more guidance on feeding their growing babies. Cheryl has a Master’s degree in social work from Texas State University and worked for more than 20 years with families and caregivers in various roles at the Texas Department of Protective Services. After giving birth to her son, Caleb, and navigating the many decisions and challenges involved in feeding a baby, Cheryl developed a new interest in early childhood nutrition. She decided to combine her passion for helping families with her love of cooking into helpful resources for parents. Introducing solids and navigating the world of baby and toddler food can be overwhelming – we wanted  to learn more about the information and services that Cheryl provides to new parents.

BPP: Would you share the mission of Taste & See Healthy Baby Food?

Taste & See logo

CC: Taste & See Healthy Baby Food supports parents in creating a happy and healthy home environment in which a child can truly grow and thrive.  Research indicates that establishing a nutritious diet and healthy eating habits for a child will reduce the risk of illnesses and obesity, both in childhood and adult life. I offer instructional cooking classes, free talks and other resources regarding food preparation and safety. Parents can access nutrition information, advice on feeding their child (from weaning to preschool) and recipes, all designed to help them prepare delicious homemade meals for their babies.

BPP:  How did you decide to launch Taste & See?

CC: I founded my business in January 2011 after my sister-in-law, Mercedes, and I shared the experience of raising our sons together. They were born less than two days apart! We shared in the journey of learning about healthy & safe foods that we could offer our sons. I saw the benefit of having someone accompanying me on that adventure and launched Taste & See as a result.

BPP:  How did your own experiences with feeding your baby impact your role as a child-nutrition educator?

CC: As a first-time parent, I found myself with more questions than answers about when and how to introduce solid food to my son. It was overwhelming. I turned to my family, friends, books, and on-line resources for answers, but found that just as I finally knew what to do for Caleb, he was moving on to the next phase! My search for answers took up precious time that I could have spent with my son as an infant. The upside was that I learned so much about the variety of food available to my family as I expanded the foods I offered to my son during the different stages.

Throughout this experience, I thought about how parents could really benefit from a resource designed to educate them about introducing healthy, fresh and homemade food EARLY in the process, rather than as they went along. I decided to create a program that offers recipes and invaluable information about nutrition and feeding. In addition, the services include food demonstrations and hands-on workshops for parents who are beginners in the kitchen and are ready to learn basic cooking skills. Honestly, I wish this guidance was available to me during my son’s first year!

BPP: What are the most common concerns you hear from new parents about feeding their little ones?

CC: 1) Knowing if their baby is ready to start solid food, 2) Difficulty navigating the food guidelines for introducing foods, and 3) Wondering if their baby is getting enough food. Parents feel overwhelmed by either the lack of information or the overwhelming surplus of information about introducing solids to infants. They have to make important decisions about whether to use commercial baby food or to prepare their own. Some parents have minimal support and information.

Taste & See Healthy Baby Food alleviates the concerns of many parents and offers guidance on introducing foods from weaning to preschool. Preparing homemade foods should not be scary or difficult. Instead, the experience of introducing foods to a baby should be fun and exciting!

BPP: When do you recommend parents begin to take your classes?

CC: I recommend that parents participate in an instructional class or schedule an in-home workshop when their baby is 5 months and older. This is based on the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommendation on when to start solid foods with your baby. There is a 4-week supply of baby food prepared during the hands-on in-home workshop — the food made can remain in the freezer for 30 days (or up to 3 months). Parents can have a freezer full of food prepared for when their baby is ready to start solids!  Taste & See Healthy Baby Food offers information about nutrition and feeding from weaning to preschool.

BPP: How do you structure your classes? Is it like a traditional cooking class? Do the parents get hands-on experience?

CC: Taste & See offers two instructional one-hour classes – Homemade Baby Food 101: Fresh & Simple! (0-12 months) and Finger Foods & Lunch Box Ideas (12 months and older).  The classes are comprehensive and discuss child development, basic cooking skills, age-appropriate food guidelines, nutritional recipes and more. The classes include comparisons of store bought and homemade baby food, food tastings and a demonstration for consistency and texture of foods. The classes offer food suggestions for parents using the puree method and the baby-led weaning method.  In addition, there are classes on special topics offered throughout the year.

Taste & See Healthy Baby Food offers three hands-on workshops in the convenience of the parents’ kitchen. The hands-on workshops are divided up based on food stages – New Taste & Textures (4-8 months), Beyond Purees (8-12 months) and Super Eaters (12 months and older). The puree method is used to prepare homemade baby food during the workshops.

The information shared during the classes and hands-on workshops give parents a foundation of information to build on for their family’s health and well-being. Parents can also participate in seasonal classes at the farmers market to learn about fresh produce that can be used to prepare homemade foods for their child and their family. The services provided are personalized to meet the needs of each family.

BPP: What are the benefits of the hands-on workshops in the home?

Of all the services provided by Taste & See Healthy Baby Food, my personal favorite is the hands-on workshops. Parents have the option to schedule a private or a group workshop in the comfort of their own home. These workshops are a fun, unique and affordable way to enjoy the company of friends and family at any cooking skills level – beginner, intermediate, or accomplished chefs. They consist of a 2 ½ hour lesson with instruction and the hands-on preparation of a four-week supply of homemade baby food. There are a variety of workshop options: private, couples, moms groups. Parents can have fun in the kitchen while they prepare healthy and homemade foods for their children.

BPP: You are a Master-degreed social worker with over 20 years of experience working with families and caregivers within Texas Department of Protective Services. How does this experience impact how you work with parents and build partnerships in the community?

CC: I am clearly passionate and committed to the safety, protection and well-being of children. My experience with my son’s introduction to food from the time he was an infant to preschool expanded my commitment to include early childhood nutrition. I believe that the healthy food choices we make for our babies lead to healthier food choices for our family’s future.  Our family’s health depends on good nutrition.

BPP: Do you often see food allergies and/or sensitivities in the families you serve? How do you accommodate for these?

CC: Taste & See Healthy Baby Food educates families about food allergies and food intolerances. We consider a variety of factors, including when to introduce allergenic foods and family history of food allergies and sensitivities.  In addition, the parents are taught the 4-day rule to watch for potential food reactions. If parents know their baby is at risk for significant food allergy, they are directed to their pediatrician for medical evaluation and treatment.

BPP: How do parents feel that they benefit from taking a class or scheduling an in-home workshop?

Parents feel empowered by the information about nutrition, food preparation, recipes and tips they get during classes and workshops. Instead of feeling fearful and uncertain about introducing foods, they feel informed and excited about preparing homemade foods. Parents feel confident that they can provide the healthiest start to their little one.

BPP:  If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?

Have fun and make memories. Relax! Food in the first year complements either breast- or bottle-feeding for your baby. If parents have unrealistic expectations when introducing foods to their little one it can create a very stressful experience. Keep these things in mind: (1) There is no rush in starting to introduce foods. (2) If a baby does not like a food you offer then wait a few days or weeks and try again. (3) It’s going to be a messy experience. Babies and toddlers explore food with their hands and learn about taste and textures when they eat. It’s up to parents to remain calm and to support their child’s learning experience. Let it be a fun experience in which you bond with your child. Capture the funny faces and the big messes by taking pictures and videos so the memories will be forever remembered.

Thank you Cheryl for sharing about this incredible resource available to new parents! As we always say, we really wish we knew you when we had newborns. C & K ♥

If you want to learn more about Cheryl’s classes, workshops, recipes or food tips, check out her website at: http://tasteseebabyfood.com/

You can also follow Taste & See Healthy Baby Food on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/tasteandseehealthybabyfood

5 Things for New Moms to Give Their Partners :: Tuesday Tip

February 10, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Note from the author: These tips are not just applicable to husbands and wives, they are relevant to any parenting partnership!

new mom_husbandMany of my new mom counseling clients tell me that they feel like they’ve developed multiple personalities after giving birth. A few weeks into their parenting adventure, they eagerly wait by the door for their husbands to come home from work. And when he finally gets there, they feel completely annoyed — and eagerly wait for him to leave again.

I understand what they’re talking about. I experienced my own mixed feelings regarding my hubby when I became a new mother. There were moments when I felt like I couldn’t have found a sweeter, more intuitive man to co-parent my children with. “I won the parenting jackpot,” I told my friends, “He is so sweet to our baby and does SO much to help me.” Other times I felt like my man was put on this Earth, and specifically in my life, to aggravate me and let me down. He didn’t know what I needed, he didn’t know the right things to say, he just didn’t…

Before reaching the point of wanting to kick your husband out, here are 5 things to try giving him:

  1. Give him the scoop: Fill your husband in on what you are experiencing as a new mother. Your hormones are all over the place. You don’t know what a full-night’s sleep is any more. Your body just went through a gigantic ordeal and your life has changed dramatically. If you worked prior to having a baby, you are now adjusting to being home alone all day with a little crying creature who doesn’t speak the same language as you. This is a huge adjustment and your husband will be better able to support you if he knows what an enormous transition your body and mind are going through. Keep him informed so he understands that this isn’t a walk in the park for you and that you need as much help as possible.
  1. Give him patience: Remember that you are not the only one trying to figure out how to do this parenting thing. Your husband is also new to the role of Dad, and he might need time to learn how to best support you and baby. If he spends a lot of time on the road or at the office, he may need occasional tutorials or updates on how to bounce baby when he’s fussy, or how to feed baby solids without them being spit up all over the floor. Be easy on your man – the two of you will figure out your new jobs together, in time.
  1. Give him a piece of your mind: OK, listen to me closely here. This may seem like common sense, but it actually isn’t for most of us. Your husband cannot read your mind. He doesn’t know that you wanted him to pick up dinner from the Thai restaurant on the corner because you’ve been pacing the kitchen all afternoon with a fussy baby. He doesn’t realize that you haven’t had a shower in three days and that the grease in your hair is not part of a new slicked-back hair style you are going for.  He might not understand that you have reached your last straw and that you are seriously about to lose it. As we always tell our young kids, use your words and tell your husband what you need and want. Sometimes it might be as simple as saying, “I need you to give me a big hug and tell me everything is going to be OK.” Or it might be as big as stating, “I am really struggling today and about to lose it. I need you to step in with the baby and give me a Target break so I can blow off some steam in the pretty pillow and vase aisle.”
  1. Give him your time: One of the things that suffers the most when you have a new baby in the house is time together as a couple. With this lack of couple time, intimacy and lovey-dovey feelings can take a dive. When you can, and IF you can, make time for little dates with each other. It might look like sitting on the couch with a dark beer (to increase your breast milk of course!) and watching the latest Netflix download. Or… if you can snag a babysitter, get OUT of the house with your partner, even if it is for an hour or two. Connecting with each other as a couple, and not as two parents passing each other in the middle of the night, can bring you closer together and reignite that spark that you felt pre-baby.
  1. Give him hell: IF you are giving your husband all of these things and he still isn’t stepping up to the plate, share your feelings of frustration with him. Use classic “I statements” to get your point across. “I feel like I am doing everything by myself around here and getting no support.” “I wait eagerly for you to come home and then I feel like you aren’t tuning in to the baby and me.” “I am really struggling. I could use more help.”  You get the picture – you can be assertive and direct and still keep your cool. Then go back to #3 and be specific about your needs and wants.

You may be reading this and thinking, None of this describes my husband. He is the best co-parent in the world! If that is the case, great! But if you are feeling the annoyances that many new mothers experience, refrain from beating yourself up and give these suggestions a try. You might find yourself falling in love all over again with that man whom you call your husband.

Here’s to Sanity and Netflix,

Kirsten

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Partners in Parenting :: Wednesday Wisdom

February 4, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

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Meet Carolyn Opps.  She is the Co-Founder and Program/Volunteer Coordinator with Austin-based Partners in Parenting, an organization that coordinates neighborhood-based support groups for new parents. Carolyn is a master-degreed teacher who has lived and traveled all over the world. After settling down and starting a family with her husband in Austin, she and her mother’s group friend, Krista Miller, decided to launch a non-profit organization aimed at providing much-needed support for moms and dads with new babies. We were eager to talk to Carolyn and learn more about PIP because its mission is so incredibly aligned with BPP’s focus on self-care and parental support.

BPP: Can you share how the organization, Partners in Parenting (PIP) was founded and what its mission is?

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CO: A little over a year ago, Krista and I got together so that our kids could play, and decided that Austin was in need of neighborhood-based support groups for new parents.  When we had our children, we looked for an organization that would help connect us with other new parents, but were unable to find what we were looking for.  Krista, having been raised in Seattle, knew about a nonprofit there that had been creating neighborhood based support groups for over 30 years.  We decided to give them a call, and they were very open to us implementing their program in Austin.  While PIP is an independent nonprofit, the format of the groups is based on a model that has worked well in Seattle for many years.  Our mission is to enable families to meet the challenges of parenting through mutual support and shared information, so that no new parent feels isolated, ill-equipped, or uninformed during their parenting adventure.

BPP: How did your own experience as a parent influence your decision to start PIP?

CO: I think I took every prenatal birthing class available to prepare for labor, and maybe read a book or two to prepare for parenting.  While the classes were valuable, the best takeaways were the connections I made.  I met Krista (the other PIP co-founder) and five other amazing moms-to-be at the classes.  We all realized that we were due in March, so we decided to form the March Mamas group.  We met once before we delivered, and about a month after having our babies.  We began meeting weekly for play-dates, and monthly for mom’s night out.  The advice, empathy, and camaraderie that I received from this group of women were life changing.  Now that our children are all turning 3, we still see each other often and remain a strong influence in each other’s lives.  My experience with my mom’s group helped to ease my transition into parenthood, and I felt that others should have the same experience.

BPP: When can parents join a PIP group? Do they have to have a newborn?

CO: Parents can join a PIP group as soon as they find out they’re pregnant up until their child is 9 months old.  Our Newborn PIPsqueaks groups are for babies 0 – 4 months old, and our Baby PIPsqueaks groups are for babies 4 – 10 months.  In order to give us plenty of time to find a group for you, signing up before having the baby is strongly encouraged.  We generally try to have at least four participants in a certain neighborhood to create a group, so having some lead-time to organize the groups and find a facilitator is helpful.

BPP: How often do groups meet and what typically happens during a meeting? What sets them a part from a regular play group?

CO: The Newborn groups meet for 90 minutes each week for 12 weeks, and the Baby groups meet for 8 weeks.  Each session starts with the facilitator asking the parents to share highs and lows from the past week. The group then takes 10 minutes to learn some new songs to sing to the babies.  Parents have time to talk during a food break, and then the final 45 minutes is spent discussing a particular topic for the week.  We always begin with sleeping and eating as our first two topics as they are definitely the most perplexing and pressing.  We have a list of guest speakers, who are experts in certain areas, who sometimes join the group to discuss the topic about which they are knowledgeable.

A PIP group is different from a play group for a few key reasons:  The groups are led by a trained facilitator, the sessions are structured to include specific topics to help the parents, and the work of finding a group of like minded new parents to connect with is done by PIP.

BPP: Now that you have been coordinating PIP groups for some time, what do you see as the greatest benefits for the parents? How about the babies?

CO: By far the greatest benefit of joining a PIP group is the connection you make with other parents in your area.  Watching parents find their “village” is genuinely satisfying.  The moms and dads in our groups have continued to get together and bond long after their PIP session has ended, which is has been our best determinant of success.  I also think that parents who are able to feel that they aren’t alone in their struggles better adapt to the challenges they’re facing.  To hear a mom say, “I cried on the way over here”, and other moms join in to say, “I cried for no reason today” allows them all to validate their feelings and to know that what they’re experiencing is perfectly normal.

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The benefit to the babies is indirect but just as important.  PIP is addressing the needs of new families based on the Five Protective Factors of Family Wellness:  social connections, secure attachment, parental resilience, knowledge of parent and child development, and concrete support.  We believe that when families are strengthened, the overall health of the community is improved.  That includes the children!  Essentially, happy parents = happy children.

BPP: Are the groups dad-friendly or are they targeted primarily toward moms?

CO: PIP groups are absolutely dad-friendly!  We offer daytime and evening groups.  The daytime groups are for moms, and the evening groups are for both partners.

BPP: PIP is a non-profit organization. How do you get your funding? Do parents pay to participate?

CO: We receive our funding from donations, grants, fundraisers, and program fees.  Participants pay $150 for the Newborn group, and $100 for the Baby group.  We offer scholarships to families who are not able to afford the program fee.  To learn more about why we charge a program fee, please check out the FAQ section of our website.

BPP: Can you share a story from a parent who has really benefited from involvement in PIP?

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CO: Sure! This is a testimony from a parent who participated in one of our spring sessions:

“The best part of being in a PIP group was meeting other parents, hearing their stories, and being able to share mine – learning from one another, person to person, is markedly different from reading resources online… while every baby and parent is different, the biggest takeaway was just that: every baby and parent IS different… we make different choices, we prioritize different ideals, we struggle in different areas, and our babies have their own challenges and developmental paces. While I wouldn’t say my pregnancy was hard, I would say it was isolating, which at times felt very hard; as a fairly social individual in general, I all of a sudden didn’t have a local support group. While I reveled in becoming a Mom, and threw myself into reading and learning all that I could, finding the PIP group was without question a massive boon to my weekly confidence: I could listen, share, and bond with a group of people who could directly empathize and offer support, all while exposing my little one to other babies and an outside experience that was fun and stimulating to her.”

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to a new parent, what would it be?

CO: Remember to take care of your needs!  It’s easy to fall into a baby-centric world, but self-care is a necessity.  It’s hard, but take an hour or two to do something that’s just for you (a hair cut, shopping, quiet time reading at a park, etc.).  You don’t have to do it all yourself, so bring in your village to help!

Thank you to Carolyn for filling us in on this amazing resource that is available in the Austin community. Check out the Partners in Parenting website to learn more about their organization and find out how you can register for one of their neighborhood-based groups. You can also follow them on Facebook or Twitter to stay in the loop. If you don’t live in the Central Texas area, and are curious about similar organizations in your area or state, check out this link.

Thanks again, Carolyn. We wish we had access to a PIP group when we were new moms! – C & K ♥

Mommy Posture and Other Signs of Martyrdom :: Monday Musing

February 2, 2015 By: babyproofedparents5 Comments

“Did you know that bass means butt, Mom?” (insert Beavis-and-Butthead-style snickers)

And that is how the latest “out of the mouths of babes” conversation began with my 6-year-old son a few weeks ago.

He was referring to Meghan Trainor’s song, “All About That Bass”, the women’s empowerment anthem that is currently playing every hour, on the hour, on Top 40 radio.

I took a deep breath and explained to my son that, “No. Bass does not mean butt. The singer is trying to say that a woman with curves is just as beautiful as any other lady. She’s arguing that heavier women have a certain ‘boom, boom, boom’, just like a bass speaker in a stereo, that makes them special. They don’t have to try hard to be super skinny like the edited images we see on TV or in magazines.”

I went on to add, “Some people might say that your mom doesn’t have a lot ‘bass’ because I’m not very curvy.”

And here’s where the conversation took an unexpected turn.

“Ummm… Yes, you DO have curves, Mom.” And he proceeded to stand up, noticeably slump his shoulders and demonstrate a posture that looks similar to this:

Slumped_posture

 

Oh, snap.

He’s right. I do have curves, in my slumped shoulders and my thrusting hips. My “mommy posture” is as curvy as it comes. I laughed at his comment, but I also let out a big sigh.

It was in that moment that I realized two things:

#1: My kids are watching me. It may seem like they are fully consumed with the Girl Scout cookies they are munching on or the latest addictive game on their iPad. But out of the corners of their eyes, they are observing me. They are paying close attention to how I carry myself and how I care for myself.

#2: I’m not caring for myself as well as I could. My hands show the signs of too much dish washing and not enough moisturizing. The deepening lines on my forehead give proof of the continual frowning and grimacing going on in my house. I spend my days talking to clients and other moms about the importance of self-care and yet it’s clear that I could be doing a better job of taking care of myself.

As parents, we regularly teeter on the edge of martyrdom. We have to make sacrifices in order to care for our kids – it’s part of the unwritten contract that we willingly sign when we bring a baby into this world. We give up sleep, we give up spontaneity, we give up our weekends and our nice furniture. But as Cheryl so powerfully wrote in “My Children Come First”, we shouldn’t give up caring for ourselves. As important as it is to be available to our children and tuned in to their needs, it is also important to model healthy habits and emotional wellness.

So… now that my 6-year-old has unwittingly become my latest Life Coach, I’m making a commitment to do three things:

1. Straighten up my attitude: I know for a fact that my posture reflects how I am feeling, and on too many days, I feel like this:

tired mom

But the truth is, I rock as a parent. And so do you. Instead of walking around feeling (and looking) like I am carrying the entire world on my shoulders, I am committed to holding my head up high and reminding myself that I got this thing! Here’s the attitude I want to meet each day with:

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Hiya! Whatcha got for me day? Cuz I’m gonna tear you up!

2) Straighten up my schedule, and block off time for self-care. As a parent, it is so easy to let the errands, chores and children take precedence over carving out time for yourself. When I was a new mom, I would occasionally ask my husband for some extra time to take a bath in peace, go to a yoga class, or meet up with a girlfriend. Self-care needed to be squeezed in where I could fit it. Now that my kids are in school, I have more leeway. Taking out time to go to the gym each day or use that unused massage gift-certificate should be a no brainer. In order to care for my kids, I have to take care of myself. A permanent spot on my daily schedule should be devoted to that.

3) Straighten up my posture: To be fair, my posture has never been great. Years of holding babies and worries have only made it worse. I’m committed to working on it now. And I’m going to start with these exercises from the amazing Allison Lambert.  Stay tuned for a future Wednesday Wisdom featuring her and her empowering at-home work-outs:

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My challenge to myself, and all of you, is to make self-care a priority this year. It might look like giving yourself thirty minutes each day to dive into a great novel. Or sixty minutes to go take a Mommy and Me yoga class. Regardless of how you care for yourself, you will be making yourself a priority, and that is an important thing for your kids to see. Of course, there will be those days when your shoulders are slumped from exhaustion and you can’t wait to crawl into bed. But the other days of the week, you can focus on holding your head up high and walking around like this:

straight_posture

I want my kids to know I got this thing.

I’ll let you know if my 6-year-old, aka Coach Elliott, gives me his stamp of posture approval.

Here’s to Strength and Boxing Gloves,

Kirsten

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Alone with Baby – 3 Ways to Reduce Flying Solo Fear :: Tuesday Tip

January 27, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

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My friend Val said the weirdest thing to my colicky infant daughter: “Sweet baby… I’m not afraid of you!”  Once I was sure I’d heard her correctly, I realized that I was, in fact, afraid of my child.  Not in a “Rosemary’s Baby” sort of way. I was afraid of my perceived lack of ability to adequately care for her.  Her crying jags were starting around 2 am and lasting for a couple of hours, and the fall of night signaled another confrontation with my novice mommy status and cluelessness about how to soothe her. It was getting close to the end of visiting family, scheduled friend drop-bys, and J’s time off from his night shift.  My anxiety about my first night alone with her was intensifying.  We all got through it, but in retrospect, it didn’t have to be as grueling on me emotionally. Here’s what I would do differently:

1. I wouldn’t be a hero. You don’t have to do this on your own to prove your parenting ability to anyone. Delay being alone with your new baby as long as possible, and minimize how often you’re alone during the first 4 months. Other cultures have entire tribes sharing the parenting responsibility, but somewhere we got the idea that doing it alone is necessary. So much learning is taking place, and the curve is very steep. Even if everything is going well and your baby has very few adjustment issues, the weight of this new responsibility is intense. Just having someone in the house (your partner, a friend or family member, a night nanny), even if you don’t wind up needing any tangible help from them, can keep you calm and grounded.

2. I would talk through my fears with someone I trust, fast. Things rattling around in your head have a tendency to get bigger when they’re not shared. I didn’t realize how much fear I was sitting in until Val’s comment alerted me to it, which got the ball rolling. I acknowledged what was going on for me emotionally, opened up about it, and ultimately got the extra support I needed.

3. I would tell guilt to go to hell. I experienced so much pointless self-doubt and incrimination. I was convinced my daughter’s distress was my fault: not enough milk, not enough nurturing, and on really wacky nights, some sort of karmic backlash. Crap! All of it! She had colic! During the first few months, I recommend daily giving yourself a pass. Do everything you can to keep your baby and yourself safe and healthy, get help when you need it, and consider letting the rest go.

Here’s To Sanity and Tribes,

Cheryl

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6 Pointers for the Duke & Duchess – Or ANY Couple Expecting Their Second Child :: Tuesday Tip

January 13, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Expecting Your Second Child

Let me be clear. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have not asked for my parenting pointers. In fact, you’re probably thinking that the last thing they need is my advice, being that they have a personal nanny and plenty of family support on board. Nevertheless — I think that Kate and William wipe snotty noses and get up for night feedings just like the rest of us. And because I wish someone had given me more information about what it’s like to be a parent of two, I’m sharing a few unsolicited words of warning, available to any and all expectant parents who are preparing for a second birth:

1. You might curse yourself for having two children so close in age, and then pat yourself on the back for the very same thing later. For the next year, it will be a little bit intense around the palace. Instead of double the work, it will feel like triple or quadruple the effort. Lots of crying, plenty of spills, a ton of diapers. Not a lot of sleep. But later on, when your little tikes are best friends, you will be thrilled that you didn’t wait a day longer to introduce a second kid to your tribe. My suggestion: Fasten your seatbelt and get ready for a wild ride. It will become more and more enjoyable as the months tick by.

 

2. There may be moments when you don’t like your eldest child. Notice that I said like, not love. You will always love and cherish your firstborn. He is the one who launched your parenting adventure and the sentimental feelings run high. But when you place a toddler next to a tiny, precious newborn, the toddler often seems like a lumbering, clumsy giant who is determined to make your life challenging for an extended period of time. A toddler who is introduced to a new brother or sister often experiences a strange mixture of excitement and rage. Excitement that they have a new sibling and plaything. Rage that this new little creature needs a ton of mum’s attention. My suggestions: Know that your feelings of frustration with your eldest are normal and make sure to put aside one-on-one time with your little first-born. He will regain his adorable status in your eyes again soon.

 

3. There WILL be times when both children are screaming at the SAME time, and both want their mom (or mummy as little George probably calls the Duchess). Yes, you have a nanny, and a wonderful husband, and adoring grandparents, but there will be moments when both of those babies want their mother, and no one else will do. If you could cut yourself in half, you would. But since you can’t, here are my suggestions: Take a big breath, hand one of the crying creatures to another loving adult, and tend to one kiddo at a time. The other child will survive the brief absence of your attention and might even benefit from knowing that they have to share mummy’s time.

 

4. It may seem like you are never going to spend one-on-one time with your partner again, except when you are sleep-walking zombies, passing each other in the middle of the night. As I said in warning #1, things are going to be challenging for a little while and it will be tough to find time to connect with your partner without a little person attached at the hip. My suggestion: Find time with each other when you can. Plop down on the couch and watch an episode of Downton Abbey while holding hands, load the kids up in a double stroller and go for a walk in the garden or cuddle up in bed when your babies give you an hour or two to rest. You’ll be going on international adventures together before you know it, but for the first few months, your couple time is going to be slim.

 

5. You might feel more relaxed about the care of your second little one, and you might find yourself feeling a little guilty about that. After you have survived a year with an infant, you realize that they are not quite as fragile as they first seemed. It is common to feel more at ease with number two and more accepting of help and assistance. Since you have two kids to look after, you will not be able to give the second one the anxious, unwavering attention that you gave the first. My suggestion: You learned a lot with the baby number one, so don’t feel bad about putting your experience to use and relaxing a little more. Both kids will thrive even if the parenting they receive is slightly different.

 

6. You will look at your children a few years down the line, when they are attached at the hip and best friends, and be so glad that you opted to have two. There is nothing more heart-warming than seeing a pair of sweet siblings hold each other tight and pose for a photo. Or hearing them chat away in their double pram as you walk them down the path. Or seeing them stand up for each other against a big ol’ bully later on in life. You’ve made an excellent decision to have a second baby and you have a slew of amazing parenting moments ahead of you.

Take a big breath, get through these first few months, and then prepare to enjoy your growing family — you have some jolly good times ahead of you.

Here’s to Strength and Double Prams,

Kirsten

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Mother’s Milk Bank :: Wednesday Wisdom

January 8, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

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Meet Kim Updegrove.  She is the Executive Director of the Mothers’ Milk Bank at Austin, and the Immediate Past President of the Human Milk Banking Association of North America.  She holds Master’s degrees in both Public Health and Nursing and is a Certified Nurse Midwife.  She’s an impressive lady! We wanted to chat with Kim to learn all about the in’s and out’s of the Austin Milk Bank.  The Austin bank, and similar milk banks worldwide, have an ongoing and urgent need for donor milk so they can get breast milk to the smallest of our babies.

BPP:  Can you give us some background on how the Mother’s Milk Bank got started and what its mission is?

KU: The mission of the Mothers’ Milk Bank at Austin (MMBA) is to save babies’ lives by providing prescribed donor human milk.  Healthy lactating mothers are screened before they can donate their milk, and once approved, their milk is pasteurized, tested nutritionally and bacteriologically, and dispensed to premature and other vulnerable infants.

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In 1999, two neonatologists—Dr. Sonny Rivera and the late Dr. George Sharpe—founded the Milk Bank in response to their mounting frustration at seeing premature infants who were fed formula experience serious, often fatal, complications, while those that received their mother’s milk thrived.  Babies small enough to fit in your hand have a greatly increased risk of developing life-threatening conditions if fed formula, which is made of cow’s milk.  The most common of these is necrotizing enterocolitis, a devastating condition causing death of intestinal tissue and subsequently a mortality rate of more than 60%.  Those who survive often suffer lifelong complications as a consequence.  Babies who receive only human milk feedings have a greater than 75% reduction in their risk of NEC, but mothers of babies born very early are least able to produce enough of their own milk for their babies.  Donor human milk is provided when mom’s milk is unavailable.

Premature birth affects one in eight babies, and many mothers with babies in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) struggle to produce adequate—if any—breast milk. The stress of extended NICU stays on a mother can severely limit or even terminate milk production. That is why for the past fifteen years, the Mothers’ Milk Bank has been saving lives of preterm infants by providing more than nine million meals of donor human milk to babies whose mothers cannot provide their own. We currently serve 115 hospitals in twenty states, as well as approximately 20 outpatients in central Texas and beyond. In 2014 alone, MMBA dispensed 470,000 ounces of milk to over 2,685 babies.

BPP: We hear the message frequently, “Breast is best.” In your own words, can you explain why breast milk is so beneficial to newborns and older babies?

KU: Breast milk is best for both infants and mothers. That’s a very simple statement to summarize a very complicated set of benefits. Babies fed breast milk receive the benefit of a species-specific food substance created just for them – meeting their nutritional, immunological, and growth needs. Breast milk-fed babies experience decreased infections, intestinal diseases, cardiovascular disease, obesity, and diabetes, to name just a few benefits. The milk changes over time reflecting the changing needs of their own bodies – in other words, it is made perfectly for them, protecting them and promoting their growth from day one, and protecting them from chronic diseases through old age. Fullterm babies need milk until at least 12 months; mothers and infants determine together whether or not it makes sense to continue beyond that first birthday. Breastfeeding is also important for the mother, as it decreases her postpartum bleeding, can help prevent another immediate pregnancy, enhances the emotional bond with her baby, burns 500 calories per day, and decreases her risks of obesity, diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and cancer.

BPP: Who qualifies to receive milk from the bank? How do they go about receiving donations?

KU: I believe that all babies deserve human milk. Not everyone chooses to breastfeed their infant, but unfortunately there isn’t enough donor milk to cover all of those infants, so milk is prioritized for the most fragile infants. Typically, this means that infants under 1500 grams, or 3 1/2 pounds, receive donor human milk until they are mature enough for a trial of formula.

Donor milk is dispensed by prescription to those with a medical need. Most of these babies are in the hospitals, but about 50 babies in homes receive milk each year as well. These babies either have continuing medical issues for which milk will help, or they are healthier babies whose physicians have written a prescription, and the milk bank’s supply of milk allowed them to receive the milk.

BPP: After someone qualifies, how do they receive the milk? Is it delivered or do they pick it up?

KU: Recipients of donor milk can be anywhere in the US, as milk is shipped frozen to the families via Federal Express. Families in the Austin area can pick up the milk directly from the milk bank.

BPP: We know that you are always looking for qualified donors and that right now you have a shortage of milk. What makes a breastfeeding mom a good candidate to be a donor?

KU: Every healthy breastfeeding mother with an infant under the age of one year could potentially save lives of infants if she would call the milk bank to be screened. The phone interview takes approximately 15 minutes, and if she appears to be an acceptable donor, she is sent paperwork to complete and return, and a lab form to take to have her blood tested. Most moms qualify and can donate milk already pumped as well as what they express and store going forward. The most common reason for not qualifying is use of medication that might be risky for a preterm infant, but moms should call and let us make that determination. The phone number is: 1.877.813.MILK (6455)

BPP: If a mom wants to donate, what is the process? Do they use their own pump? Do they drop off the milk?

KU: Moms express and store their milk in the freezer, using their own pumps or manually expressing the milk. One extra ounce pumped per day is approximately 3 meals for a preterm infant, so, literally, every drop counts. Moms in the Austin area drop off their milk at the milk bank; moms in other cities in Texas may have a milk collection site near them where they can also drop off the milk (see our website for the locations or our sites), and other moms will ship their milk to us at our expense using the coolers and Federal Express paperwork we send them.

BPP: Is the milk treated or pasteurized in any way after you receive it? How do you store your surplus?

KU: Breastmilk is a body fluid containing all of the bacteria and viruses found in our bodies. Our own babies are okay drinking our milk because they are also exposed to our immune systems and acquire our antibodies to protect them. Recipients of donor milk are foreign to us, or rather, our milk is foreign to them. Donated milk is safe for the milk bank staff to work with, but not safe for a fragile infant to drink, so the milk is heat processed in order to get rid of the viruses and bacteria we all shed in our body fluids. It is processed in a gentle way that eradicates the things that could harm a baby, while maintaining those things that the baby needs, such as fat and protein, antibodies, and growth factors. The milk is stored in freezers while awaiting final testing to verify that it is safe, and then it is sent to hospitals or outpatients. The milk is also nutritionally tested so that we can match a baby’s need with the components of the milk.

BPP: For new moms who are unable to breastfeed and do not qualify to receive donor milk from the Milk Bank, do you have any suggestions or advice on how they can provide the best possible nutrition to their newborn?

KU: Most full-term infants will be okay with some formula, so no one should beat themselves up if they cannot breastfeed. Because human milk is best for the baby, however, it is always worth a phone call to the milk bank (512-494-0800) to see if our supply is supportive of some healthier infants receiving milk. If donor milk is unavailable, and breastfeeding is not possible, the only other breast milk substitute is formula. Informal sharing of milk appears to be quite common, and yet, is not recommended because of the risks associated with sharing body fluids. Many women who feel that they cannot breastfeed could benefit from the assistance of a lactation consultant, so I encourage all who are frustrated with their efforts to seek support. (Brian the Birthguy is one of BPP’s favorites.)

BPP: Can you share a special story with us about a family that benefitted from the Milk Bank’s services?

KU: Every baby who receives donor milk is special to us, but the following story, submitted by the family, illustrates how important donor milk is to a family with an infant born at risk.

John and Sam were born at a very early 26 weeks and 4 days gestation due to Premature Rupture of Membranes (PROM).  They both weighed less than 2 pounds each and were quickly issued multiple diagnoses, including Respiratory Distress Syndrome, retinopathy, osteopenia (brittle bones) and anemia.

premature babies need breastmilk

From the outset I knew that breast milk could make all the difference, and as the situation would have it, my own production came to an abrupt end after 7 weeks.  It literally pained me.  How could we do our best for them without the best possible nutrition?  Thankfully, St. David’s excellent NICU covered my loss with donated milk until 37 weeks, when they switched to formula and discovered that Sam was intolerant, so Sam continues receiving donor milk in our home.  Having access to donated milk has saved his life, and we believe that continued availability as they’ve grown has enabled a safe passage to complete recovery for both.

Breast milk donors for infant health

John and Sam are 6.5 months old (adjusted age) now. John weighs almost 19 pounds and Sam 16.5.  Both are healthy and growing with no health concerns and are happy, chatty (in syllables!) and resilient.  Nobody expected this outcome less than us.  We are forever grateful to the compassionate and giving-hearted mothers who played an important part in helping this come to pass.  Thank you.

Many thanks to Kim for filling us in on this incredible and life-saving resource that we have here in Austin. As we mentioned earlier, they have an ongoing and urgent need for more donors, so please check out their website or give them a call (1.877.813.MILK (6455) if you have even the tiniest amount to share! C & K ♥

We also wanted to share some words from two friends of BPP who successfully donated buckets and buckets of milk to MMBA when they were breastfeeding:

Meredith O’Brien (mother to two boys) – I was blessed with an abundance of milk after having each of my children.  I had so much milk that it was really uncomfortable, and I was having to pump 2-3 times a day in addition to feeding my hungry baby.  At first I would dump the milk down the drain, but then somewhere, from someone (probably some random mom at a jumpy gym) I heard about Austin’s Mother’s Milk Bank.

I called the Milk Bank and said I’d like to be a donor.  They were very glad to hear from me, and asked if I’d like to come tour the facility.  I put Timmy in the BabyBjorn and headed over.  I was given a comprehensive tour of the milk bank, and was amazed at how organized the process it was.  They showed me where all the milk is stored and how it is tested.  They explained to whom my milk would go, how it would get there, and how appreciated it would be.  Naively, due to my clear privilege, I never realized how many babies are born to mothers who are unable to nurse, be it due to a lack of milk, or drugs, or many other reasons.  The overwhelming feeling I got from the Mother’s Milk Bank was how appreciative they were of my willingness to donate.  I told them it was a two way street — I was pumping so much out of a need for physical relief.  What I felt after I started to donate was an incredible sense of emotional relief. I was helping babies!  I was helping their parents!  It felt really good on so many levels.  I would fill up my freezer with bags of milk clipped shut with a little pink clip — probably four – five bags a day at least. We didn’t have room in the freezer for ice cream!

My one issue, I told the people at the Milk Bank, was transporting the milk to the bank.  I felt overextended with my activities at home, and wasn’t sure how I would get the milk to the Bank every week.  They immediately enlisted the aid of a Junior League member who would come to my home at the end of each week with a large igloo cooler, collect the frozen bags of milk, and take it to the facility.  She was a Godsend.

My entire experience of donating breast milk, from beginning to end, was positive and fulfilling.  And easy!  I’m so glad that places like this exist in the world — it makes me feel like things really do work out if we work together.

Linda Classen (mother to a boy and girl) – I enjoyed donating to the Milk Bank. It was very rewarding because I knew babies were going to benefit from my milk. I was fortunate enough to be able to produce enough milk to share with other babies.

Thank you for sharing your experiences ladies.  You two rock and we’re sure that many premature babies benefited!

Premature babies breast milk donor center

Playing Favorites :: Monday Musing

January 5, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Coping With Parental Jealousy

My family was cruising along in our car the other day when my 6 year-old piped up, “Mom, are you going in to the office tonight or are you staying home with us?”

“Staying home buddy,” I replied.

“Yay!” he squealed with an enthusiasm that implied that I am never, ever home. Which is amusing since I am almost always home. “I want you to give me a bath. And read books to me. And put me to bed. Ok, Mom? Ok?”

“What am I? Chopped liver?” my husband chimed in. ”What’s wrong with me putting you to bed?” He was mostly joking. But he also had a tone of genuine curiosity that communicated, what exactly does your mom do better than me?

He didn’t get his answer. The conversation quickly moved to the cool red Mustang that was racing by in the fast lane. Undistracted by the sports car, my mind was left on the subject of favorites. I understand why my boys favor me when it comes to daily routines. I’m kinder and gentler… some would say a pushover. I gave birth to them. I breastfed them. I woke up with them in the middle of the night, over and over and over again. My body is softer, my tone is softer… I’m just soft.

Truth be told, there have been times when I’ve wanted to stand in the middle of the room and scream, “I don’t want to be anyone’s favorite right now! Hand’s off, people. Back away from the mothership. Fend for yourself. I need some space!”

When I start feeling that way, I know it’s time to schedule a meeting or a girl’s night, and excuse myself for a few hours. Turning on Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” and doing a crazy, gyrating dance in the kitchen also does wonders.

My husband, Todd, takes our boys’ favoritism with a grain of salt. He is usually quite happy to say, “You want your mom? Great. I have things to do in the garage,” and saunter out of the house with a satisfied look on his face. Perhaps he shrugs off their requests for mama because he knows their opinions and preferences change as frequently as the Texas weather. He’s well aware that they switch allegiances when convenient, declaring their devotion to Daddy. Dad’s better at teaching us how to ride a bike, Mom. Dad lets us order root beer, Mom.  Dad will be able to fix that when he gets home. Dad’s just better, Mom…

He really is better sometimes. There are days when I come home from work, and I notice the wide smiles. My three men have been out and about on some adventure and they did just fine. In fact, more than just fine. It’s those moments when I know the favoritism is fleeting and shallowly anchored at best. Our boys love their mom and dad equally and benefit from our unique strengths, even if they don’t always recognize it.

When you have a family of distinctive individuals (and not uniform robots) there will be a natural flow in the relationships. Sometimes your children will instinctively lean toward you. Other times it will be your partner. Sometimes one of your kids will seem like an angel flown in from heaven, who can’t do anything wrong. Wait a few days and that same child might resemble a demon, determined to make your life a living hell. Resist the urge to latch onto permanent labels such as “easier child”, “better parent”, “Daddy’s girl”, or “Mommy’s boy”. When we put ourselves or our children in these favoritism-tinged boxes, we limit our family’s ability to flex and evolve with changing circumstances. Instead of buying into favoritism, go with the flow and focus on simply loving. Your family might resemble lumpy, uneven cake batter at times, but with consistent love and warmth, everything will sweetly even out in the end.

Here’s to Sanity and Shaking It Off,

Kirsten

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Cuz That’s the Way I Like It – Saying ‘Yes’ to Your Own Holiday Traditions :: Monday Musing

December 8, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Holiday Traditions: Set Your Own Traditions

Kirsten’s recent tip on “just saying no” to holiday stress raised this question for me:  why is it so hard to say no, especially to extended family, especially around the holidays?  When J and I first married, we had to figure out how to share holidays with two families (we had it easy – some people are pulled between more than four due to divorce, remarriage and grandparents), who lived in different parts of the country with their own unique customs.  With the approval of both sides, we agreed to alternate years, Thanksgiving with one family, Christmas with the other.  Both sides were very gracious about this, but I always sensed their sadness/disappointment whenever it wasn’t “their” holiday with us.  This intensified when we had kids, because of the renewed magic babies bring to holiday traditions.

The Stress.  Many people will say that traveling with babies shouldn’t be a “big deal” – but the car seats, gear, snacks, diapers, holiday traffic and melt-downs can make even a short trip feel like an eternity.  Then, add all the overeating, gifts, expectations, family dynamics and lack of sleep.  Even when things went amazingly well, we always felt exhausted, needing a few days to get back on track physically and emotionally.  One year after a particularly difficult holiday, J sat me down and made a request.  “Can we please do our own thing next year?  Start our own traditions with our own kids in our own home?”  I remember my immediate, visceral response.  “There’s no way.  We would hurt too many peoples’ feelings.”

When J and I divorced, it was just before Thanksgiving.  That first year, we tried to keep up the traditions, visiting both sides of the family, who were also struggling with grief over the loss of our marriage.  It was very painful for all of us, and wound up causing more damage than healing or comfort to everyone involved.  The experience spurred long talks about the “holiday future” we want for our kids – one that does NOT include them feeling pulled between multiple homes, stuffed with rich foods, timelines and the expectations of others.

We especially don’t want them to be concerned with being “FAIR”.  Oh, how I hate that word.  What does it even mean?  In the end, it’s not about fair.  No amount of fairness or compromise will please everyone, because everyone brings so many complicated hopes and expectations to the holidays, usually based on crap that was missing for them when they were kids.  If your goal is to make a bunch of people happy, you are setting yourself up to fail.  Often at the expense of your own sanity (and the sanity of your kids).

What would happen if you focused instead on pleasing yourself, and your little nuclear family?  I have floated this idea to a few couples in my therapy practice, and they usually exchange a stunned look, which when silent-movie-dubbed says, “Could we actually DO that???”  The Sipkowski Formula (loosely based on the best traditions of friends we’ve watched who know how to enjoy life):  we declared a stay-at-home, move slowly policy.  We have an open invitation to extended family, but the 4 of us stay in town and keep it simple.  Our tree and decorations go up a little at a time.  Christmas dinner is relaxed and decadent, served on Christmas Eve.  Christmas morning is coffee, a big brunch, music and opening gifts at a relaxed pace.  Christmas night is my favorite part.  Friends, neighbors and “orphans” come over for tacos, margaritas, and to vent about the crazy holiday they’ve just experienced, while we squeezed limes in anticipation of their
arrival.  I highly, highly recommend this plan.

When you go through a major change, good or bad, every shred of available strength becomes necessary.  Anything elective that drains your reserves is forced into inspection. This is possibly never more true than when you add a new life to your family.  The holidays are an excellent time to practice weighing the immediate pain/anxiety of saying “no” to someone you care about against the long term relief that could come with a positive change, and the reclamation of your own time and resources.  If you find yourself pulled in a million directions during the holidays, consider letting this be the first year you stop that (since you’re the only one who can).

Here’s To Sanity and Fresh Limes,

Cheryl

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Just Say No to Holiday Stress :: Tuesday Tip

December 2, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

I frequently get asked if my counseling practice slows down during the holidays.  The answer is No.  The holiday season is notorious for being a stressful time and my clients can attest to that.  Expectations are sky-high, schedules are jam-packed and family members get testy as a result of all the togetherness.  Even I can feel bogged down by my mile-long To-Do list that does anything but put me in the holiday spirit.

Stress Free Holidays

When my husband and I started a family, I assumed that my babies were going to hand me a one-way ticket to holiday bliss.  I couldn’t wait to introduce them to all of the little traditions that I remembered from childhood.  My littles clearly did not feel the urgency that I did.  In spite of the calendar indicating that it was a very special day, our boys still required naps, still got the sniffles, still had nuclear meltdowns and still got into squabbles.  I quickly realized that I needed to simplify the holidays more than ever in order to maximize enjoyment and minimize stress.

When you are a new parent, here are some things you might want to Just Say NO To:

  • Traveling back and forth between separate family events on the same day.
  • Lugging the whole family to faraway destinations to celebrate with distant relatives.
  • Feeling like you have to keep up with everybody’s extravagant gift giving. (Consider asking friends and family to set a price limit, do a gift exchange or skip gifts for adults all together.)
  • Hosting the whole clan at your house (including your single neighbor and your Great Aunt Marge) on the big day.
  • Wanting your home to look like it popped out of a Better Homes & Gardens magazine.
  • Cooking the turkey, dressing and pies all by yourself for your holiday meal.  (Consider catering or potluck.)
  • Sending out perfectly designed holiday cards with matching address labels.
  • Feeling like you have to shower your young children (who aren’t even quite sure what is going on) with loads of presents.
  • Thinking that everyone’s holiday is merrier than yours. (Cuz it isn’t.)
  • Having breakable ornaments or decorations anywhere within reach of your toddler, because they WILL be shattered.
  • Participating in any activity or event that you don’t find completely delicious.

I’m going to insert a big UNLESS here. Say ‘no’ to all of the above UNLESS one or more of the activities bring you joy.  I’ll give you an example: Cheryl is a superb cook (as you can probably tell from the Foodie section on our blog) and truly enjoys preparing a feast.  I, on the other hand, am no Julia Child and would much rather kick my feet up on the sofa with some spiked eggnog and A Christmas Story playing in the background.  While Cheryl might say ‘yes’ to hosting a big holiday meal and might even do most of the cooking herself (and might create a spread worthy of the royal family), I am more likely to head to my parents’ house or ask everyone to contribute a dish.  Say ‘yes’ to what makes you happy and ‘no’ to anything that sounds draining.  You have our permission.

Other things to consider Just Saying YES To:

  • Structuring your schedule around your baby’s sleeping and eating routines so you don’t have a grumpy child the rest of the holiday.
  • Staying home if you want to. (Being a new parent is a great excuse. Use it!)
  • Starting small family traditions that will stick in your children’s head more than any gift will.  (Examples: We fix a big Christmas brunch and stay in our pajamas most of the day.  We love looking at neighborhood lights in a convertible mustang with hot cocoa.  I awkwardly play holiday music on the piano while my kids throw out exaggerated groans.  Some of our friends set up a puzzle on a card table or go see a movie.)
  • Pushing the commercialism aside and reminding yourself and your kids about why the holiday was created in the first place.
  • Maintaining realistic expectations of the day.  Your little ones don’t have a built-in calendar app in their head.  Expect them to still act like kids.

I have to admit that our holidays have become more and more enjoyable as my boys have gotten older.  They anticipate the holidays with excitement, they look forward to our silly little traditions and they keep their hands off the delicate tree ornaments.  (Yes, this can be a reality for you too.)  But they still end up in occasional fist fights or start the “I’m booooored” chant in the afternoon.  When you have kids, your holidays might look like any other day with a handful of sparkly extras.  Enjoy the sparkle and try to roll with the rest.

Here’s to Sanity and The Christmas Story,

Kirsten

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On Raising Boys :: Wednesday Wisdom

November 26, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Max Wachtel Tips On Raising Boys Meet Dr. Max Wachtel.  He is a trained forensic psychologist with a clinical practice in the Denver, Colorado area.  One of his main focuses is helping parents improve their kids’ lives.  He is also the 9News Psychologist for KUSA TV in Denver, where he regularly produces content highlighting new psychological research and parenting resources.  He is a marathon runner and was an avid snowboarder (until he broke his collarbone last year–this year he is feeling less enthusiastic about that endeavor).  He is also the recent author of The One Rule For Boys: How Empathy and Emotional Understanding Will Improve Just About Everything For Your Son.  We wanted to chat with him about his new book, which is getting loads of attention and praise, and learn more about the work he is doing to partner with parents of boys.

BPP: You have practiced for many years as a forensic psychologist.  What initially drew you to work with criminal offenders and the court system?

MW: For years prior to grad school, I was fascinated by crime and by the law.  I also had a strong interest in figuring out what makes people tick.  In school, I focused on assessment and testing, and it seemed natural to combine that with my interest in forensics.  I find it intriguing to evaluate people who have done some extremely bad things and try to figure out their mental state.  I have worked with murderers, sex offenders, and domestic abusers–one of the most amazing things I learned is just how ‘normal’ many of these criminals are (not counting the psychopaths).  For most of them, a more stable childhood and/or good mental health treatment would have likely kept them from ending up in jail.

BPP: Later in your career, you switched gears and added parenting to your areas of expertise. How did your work with the prison population prepare you for consulting on parenting issues?

MW: Another surprising revelation from my work was the similarity in the stories I heard from offenders’ childhoods.  Abuse, emotional neglect, a lot of strife in the home–these are extremely common for people who end up in jail.  I don’t want to say it is their parents’ fault, because I work with adult offenders who make their own good or bad choices.  But, many of these offenders started life off on the wrong foot, which probably made it harder for them to succeed. Because of those common stories, it occurred to me that I am in a unique position to help parents.  I have heard the absolute worst in parenting stories (things that I sometimes still picture when I close my eyes at night) — and I also know most parents do a pretty good job with their kids.  But, everyone can be better, and when I have the opportunity to help struggling parents turn their family around, I feel like I am making a difference.

Dr. W and his kids gearing up for the snow.

Dr. W and his kids gearing up for the snow.

BPP: In what ways did becoming a father impact your work in the jail system and in your counseling practice?

MW: I have discovered that being a dad and spending a lot of time in jail (as an evaluator, not an offender) are often incompatible.  First, every time I go to a jail to meet with an inmate, I see an adult there with a young child who is going to visit his or her incarcerated parent.  It breaks my heart to think that these kids are becoming so familiar with jail at such a young age.  Secondly, it has been a lot harder for me to shake off the horrible things some offenders have done to their children. At the same time, becoming a dad was a major motivator for me to do more than evaluate and assess for psychopathology.  In addition to that work, which I still enjoy, having kids of my own made me want to help improve the lives of parents and children in order to avoid major problems in the future.

BPP: You are a well-known TV personality in Denver and make regular appearances on 9News as a parenting expert. What are some of the parenting topics that you are asked to speak about?

MW: Yes, in addition to my clinical practice, I am the 9News Psychologist. I am on television several times per week discussing a wide range of issues. 9News is owned by a company with news outlets nationally, so I am often asked to comment on national crime stories that have a psychological angle to them — school shootings, domestic abuse, unusual behavior, and child abuse are the most common.  I talk about issues ranging from what causes people to do the things they do, to the effects of crime on the victim, to handling crime-induced PTSD.  In Denver, a big ongoing story is the Aurora theater shooting.  Several of my students from when I taught at the University of Denver were in the theater that night, and one of them was killed.  That is always a tough topic for me to discuss.

On a more positive note, I am able to contribute original content for 9News as well, so I tend to focus on parenting issues whenever I get the chance.  I talk about the importance of empathy, dealing with bullies, online issues, discipline, and other parenting tips.

BPP: Do you consult with parent and families one-one-one?  If so, what issues do you typically help families with?

MW: I do work with families one-on-one on occasion. Typically, this is when a family is having difficulty with one of their kids, and I am called in to help assess the situation and develop a treatment plan.  Most of my parenting work comes through the media and my new book, though.

BPP:  You recently released your new book, The One Rule For Boys. Congrats! Can you share what inspired you to write this book aimed at the parents of boys?

MW: Let me start with the negative inspiration first: About a year after the Aurora theater shooting, where one of my former students was killed and I witnessed the trauma inflicted upon his family and friends, Newtown happened.  I heard the news that morning, and I almost immediately threw up.  It hit me so hard–I cried pretty much all day.  I alternated between being semi-catatonic and doing interviews for news agencies all over the globe.  My last interview wrapped up at 11:30 PM, and it was for a morning Sky News broadcast in London.  When I was done with the interview, I collapsed emotionally, but I also decided I needed to write a book that could have the potential to eliminate the horror of school shootings.

Now for the positive inspiration:  After a few weeks of mulling it over, I realized that, as horrendous as school shootings are, the vast majority of parents do not raise little psychopaths.  They are good people raising good kids.  But, the fact still remains that we can do better as a society in raising boys who are assertive as opposed to aggressive.  Boys who treat others with respect.  Boys who stand up for what is right.  Most parents are already doing a decent job, and I wanted to write a book that improves upon that. After reading hundreds of studies and giving it a lot of reflective thought, it turns out that teaching parents to encourage empathy and emotional understanding in their boys is the key. It may be surprising to learn, but those skills improve just about every area of a boy’s life.

BPP: Both Cheryl and I have little guys, and will be definitely be picking up a copy. Can you give us a preview of a few of your main points?

MW: A few of the big points from the book:

  1. Model the behavior you want your kids to display. Whether it seems like it or not, they are watching you, and they are copying you. They will pick up your good behaviors, but they will also very quickly pick up bad habits too.
  2. There is a major difference between empathy, sympathy, and compassion. It is important to understand these differences in order to know how to teach your boys to be empathic. It can be good to be compassionate, and it can be good to be sympathetic–but empathy is what will give you the most bang for your buck. It will help your boys do better in school, have more friends, be in healthier romantic relationships, get into college, be happier in life, be more assertive, be better leaders, and get better jobs.
  3. Don’t panic. You are not the perfect parent. You don’t need to be the perfect parent. You are probably already doing a good job with your boys. But, you can probably tweak a few things in order to go from good to great!

BPP: Do you feel like there are challenges that are unique to raising a son? If so, what are they?

MW: In many ways, boys and girls are very similar. I cover this research in my book — boys and girls are born with the same levels of empathy, aggression, anger, impulsivity, and lovingness.  If there is anything unique about boys, it is in the way our society socializes them compared to girls.  And, many of what are considered to be traditionally masculine traits are causing problems for boys.  For example, it is becoming less socially acceptable to be overly aggressive, hostile, and domineering.  It is less socially acceptable to bully or to sexually harass someone, and men are not being rewarded in the same way for this outmoded type of behavior.  As a result, girls are now doing better in school than boys.  Women are graduating from college at higher rates.  They are starting to gain more leadership positions in both the public and private sector.  They are starting to take over the world — and that is not a bad thing!  Except, if we continue to raise generation after generation of boys who cannot keep up with the amazing women of the world, that is going to be a problem.  I want to help fix that.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saver to expectant or new parents, what would it be?

MW:

  1. Don’t try to be the perfect parent. It will drive you crazy. Just try to be good enough, and hang on for the ride.
  2. Don’t isolate yourself from the world. It can be hard when you are exhausted and busy, but the more you get out with your little ones, the happier you will be.
  3. Buy a lot of cloth diapers. Even if you are using disposables with your kids, cloth diapers work extremely well as burp cloths, barf rags, spill wiper uppers, and so on. They are really cheap, easy to wash, and you can cram a bunch of them in a diaper bag very easily. My kids are six and eight, and to be honest, I kind of miss having the cloth diapers around. They are really handy.

Thank you Dr. Wachtel for taking the time to talk to us about the impactful work you are doing with parents!

If you are interested in purchasing his book, The One Rule For Boys, you can order a copy directly from his site and he will personally sign it, just for you. As Dr. Wachtel says, “They make great holiday gifts. After all, nothing says, ‘I think you are doing it wrong’ like receiving a parenting book from a friend or loved one.” Ha, ha – we agree Dr. W! C & K ♥

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Follow Dr. Wachtel – he’s a lot of fun!

On Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/drmaxwachtel

On Twitter at:  http://www.twitter.com/mwachtel

Read all about his great book at his Amazon page: http://www.amazon.com/author/drmaxwachtel

Pregnancy and Parenthood – More Alike Than Different :: Monday Musing

November 24, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Pregnancy and Parenting Similarities

Experiences in the baby and parenting world are often broken down into prenatal and postpartum.  Before baby and after baby.  With all of the emphasis on these two states of being, you would think that a new chronological era begins after the birth of your little one. This can feel daunting.  The truth is that there are numerous parallels between pregnancy and parenting. I’m going to argue that the prenatal challenges you endure actually prepare your body and mind to raise a little person. Here’s how:

Ten Trillion Decisions: The second that you and your partner see the positive pregnancy test, the joint decisions begin. Hospital or home-birth? Doctor, midwife and/or doula? What baby items do you register for? And on and on… When baby arrives, the choices don’t end, but you’ve had nine months of practicing effective decision-making with your partner. Bring on the the options, you are ready to make whatever decision comes your way.

Reminder: Take one decision at a time. Don’t feel like you have to figure out everything at once. Decisions about sleep-training, discipline styles and day-care can wait! Gather the information, weigh out your options with your partner and make a choice that feels right to both of you. Most of the time, you can change your mind and adjust as you go.

Physical Strains and Discomfort: Everyone knows about the physical effects of pregnancy: morning sickness, heart burn, sleep disturbances. Even dads-to-be often report vicarious symptoms. When you become a new parent and recover from the birth, most of the physical ailments disappear completely. Well… the nipples of breastfeeding moms take a little bit of a beating. And of course sleeping conditions do not improve for awhile. A long while. Fortunately your body is not completely caught off guard by these conditions. You’ve endured a lot. You can cope with these challenges as well, we promise you.

Reminder: Self-care is essential for expectant and new parents. You are going through a lot, but if you take the time to rest when you can and reach out for help when needed, your body will not disappoint you and will rise to the occasion. Just wait, watch and be amazed…

Emotional Highs and Lows: Pregnancy brings with it a tsunami of hormones and emotions. Most women find that they cry more than ever and experience a wild swing in how they’re feeling from moment to moment. Expectant dads are not immune to the roller coaster either. Parenthood brings more feelings with it. Add sleep-deprivation and the vulnerability that comes a long with a new baby into the mix, and the emotions run rampant. You might find yourself feeling both ecstatic and exasperated, all at once.

Reminder: If you’ve been a person who has always tucked your feelings in tight, the roller coaster of emotions might feel overwhelming. See this as an opportunity to let down your walls and release your inner drama queen. Emotions are healthy and normal and you are about to experience a lot of them. Releasing and expressing your feelings will help you to be a better parent. Of course, as we’ve said many times before, if your emotions seem insurmountable it might be time to reach out to your doctor or a trained counselor and get some help. Please don’t hesitate if this is the case.

Breathe and Let Go: If you pop in on a childbirth class, you’ll hear a lot about deep-breathing, staying focused, thinking positively and relaxing. If you can remember to use these skills and techniques, they’ll help you through your labor and delivery. What the childbirth instructor often forgets to mention is that these same skills will be handy for the next 18 years! Parenting can be a wild ride – remembering to inhale, smile and relax will help you to weather the many challenges that come your way.

Reminder: Even if you learn and practice these relaxation skills, you might forget to use them when you need them the most. This is when your parenting partnership will come in handy. When you see your partner feeling overwhelmed, give them a hug, remind them to breathe, share a few encouraging words and offer to take over for a while. You two have practiced some serious skills – you can do this.

Pregnancy and parenthood are two parts of one amazing journey. If you and your partner have tackled a pregnancy together, you will already have many of the skills you need to raise a child. Pull from the strength and knowledge you have already gained and get ready to rock as a parent. We know you will be amazing.

Here’s to Strength and Similarities,

Kirsten

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Welcome to BPP, an online resource for maintaining your sanity – before, during and after your baby's arrival. I'm Kirsten Brunner and I'm here to support YOU. Read more...

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