Tools for Expectant Parents, Resources for New Parents, Help for New Moms

Emotionally Constipated? Repression’s Impact On Parenting :: Monday Musing

August 18, 2014 By: babyproofedparents6 Comments

I know the movie “Frozen” has created a somewhat disturbing obsession, but bear with me. I resisted it for a long time, but when a blue-eyed five-year-old is begging you…. Luckily, she was on my lap and couldn’t see my intense emotional reactions. Contorted face, holding back big sobs. Seeing a female character, a cartoon at that, struggling to allow herself to feel anything other than fear or shame was so refreshingly painful. “Conceal, don’t feel.” Oh, Elsa. I get you. There’s been progress, but emotions still seem divided along gender lines. Most men feel they are only allowed to express anger, holding all else inside. Women are often viewed as emotional, irrational and in need of containment, and if they express anger, it’s a problem.

My parents were raised in the post-depression era, in very sparse conditions. Their families were too busy surviving to discuss or express feelings. I grew up watching my mother choke back hard-earned tears, steeling her jaw and optimistic resolve against any emotions that seemed messy or useless. Add to that thrice weekly trips to our church, where flawless, “I’m Okay, You’re Okay” appearances were key. I internalized this message: expressing or even feeling emotion is not allowed, and it will hurt those around you. This internalized message has definitely NOT served me well.

My therapist explained it like this: when painful or exciting things happen, your humanity naturally burns with anger or or sadness or joy. Feelings well up like a wave, and in emotionally healthy people, that wave rolls through and resolves. Naturally. In people who repress, the wave crashes against a wall of shame, which tells them it’s not okay to feel or express the feelings. The feeling wave churns there in a circle against the shame wall. The wave can’t complete, so it just stays, and stays, and stays. The water stagnates, turns into depression and/or anxiety, and can lead to numbing addictions and NOT being down with O.P.E. (Other Peoples’ Emotion). The worst part is that people who repress often have no idea they’re doing it.

Pregnancy and birth shattered my repression tendencies. I was six months pregnant, and about to celebrate my birthday at a favorite coffee shop. My sweet friend Val was driving us, and she accidentally closed the car door on my fingers. It hurt, but not THAT bad. The little bit of physical pain made something break inside me, releasing a ton of pent up feeling. I could NOT stop crying. Beautifully empathic Val started crying too, and it took everything I had to pull it together in time for my little party. Arriving puffy eyed and mascara streaked, I was on the verge of tears the entire day.

“Fear? Grief? Pain? Chaos? With THIS awesome dress and precision haircut? I think not…”

Then came birth. When my first contraction hit, it felt like this: “WWWWHHHHAAAAMMMMMMM!!!!!” My repression brain kicked into gear and said, “Oh dear. That smarts just a bit. Well, this must just be how these things go. Nothing to fret about.” This denial was the frame from which I called my midwife. In a breezy tone, I announced that I’d begun labor. She told me I’d be in this stage for a long time, and suggested that I try to get some sleep. 2 hours and 45 minutes later, my daughter completed her precipitous swan dive through my body (as I screamed, literally running in circles from the pain like the Tasmanian Devil). She landed safely in my midwife’s hands, who had arrived just 4 minutes prior. This event force-opened my eyes wide to the impact denial and repression can have on parenting. My unhealthy ability to repress my feelings, intuition and physical sensations could have put both me and my baby in danger.

I have worked hard to overcome repression. I tell myself it’s okay to feel my feelings and make space for them, even when they can’t come. I fight my hard-wired reflex to say to others, “Stop feeling so much. Because it makes me so uncomfortable. Because I am so uncomfortable with my own feelings.”

I sit in sessions, awe-struck by clients who let go with me, crying or yelling or seething with jealousy. I feel intense gratitude for the trust and vulnerability they give me. My son unleashes when he’s angry or sad or hurt, howling like an animal. I scoop him up and hold him close. My daughter hides when she’s upset. I respect her space, but go just to the edge of it to remind her she’s not alone. I squeeze her tight when she’s ready to reconnect. I want my clients to feel safe with me. I want my kids to feel safe with me. I want my friends to feel safe with me. I want to feel safe.

To feel is to be real. See what happens.

Cheryl

Featured photo copyright: bowie15 / 123RF Stock Photo

Gluten-Free Cinnamon-Sugar Muffins :: Friday Foodie

August 15, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

These fluffy muffins are vaguely reminiscent of the frozen cinnamon sugar donuts my mom occasionally baked and served up for breakfast. The same company made “honey buns,” and when those hit the table, it was ON. They probably contained glue, but hey, who’s keeping track? When these gf delights are on the menu, we have a “one muffin at a time” rule, because like most humans, my littles like to eat the sweet caramelized tops, leaving the sad bottoms to crumble into oblivion.

Ingredients:

For the Muffins:
1 1/4 cups Pamela’s Pancake and Baking Mix
1/4 cup plain yogurt or kefir
1/4 cup milk or milk alternative
1 egg
1/3 cup honey
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 cup finely grated zucchini (optional)

For the Topping:
1/4 cup sugar
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
2 tablespoons butter, melted

Technique:
Lightly grease a 6 cup muffin pan, and preheat your oven to 350 degrees. In a medium mixing bowl, gently stir all of the muffin ingredients together just until blended (see our GF Orange Glazed Muffin recipe for the emotional ramifications of over-mixing). Scoop the batter into the muffin pan, dividing it evenly between the six cups. Bake the muffins for 18-20 minutes, until they’re lightly golden. Remove them to a rack to cool slightly. Meanwhile, mix the cinnamon and sugar in a small bowl until well blended. Gently remove the still very warm muffins from the pan, and roll the muffin tops first in the melted butter, and then in the cinnamon sugar mixture. I said “muffin tops”.

Cheryl’s Tips:

No tips on this recipe – it’s a cinch, and if they’re old enough, you can even enlist your kids’ help in rolling the warm muffins in the butter/cinnamon-sugar mixture.

You’re smart and pretty. And don’t you forget it.

Here’s to Sanity and Muffin Tops,

Cheryl

Speak My Language :: Tuesday Tip

August 12, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

“I feel taken for granted, unappreciated.”

“I don’t feel close to my partner any more.”

“It seems like we’re bickering roommates… there’s no affection.”

These are some of the more common complaints that I hear from couples during their first counseling session. They’re not feeling the love and they’re looking for tools to bridge the gap. My usual response? “You guys are normal. Staying close and lovey-dovey as a couple is challenging, especially after introducing kids into the picture. Let’s dive in and talk about ideas for reconnecting.”

Invariably, our discussion leads us to the classic relationship guide, The Five Love Languages. As Dr. Gary Chapman explains in his decades-old book, most individuals have specific preferences when it comes to expressing and receiving love and affection. These preferences fall into five separate categories:

Words of Affirmation – Examples: Compliments, praise, acknowledgement, sweet messages written in a card or on a sticky note, nomination for “Parent of the Year” Award.

Acts of Service – Examples: Chores, home repairs, errands, shaving the hair on your partner’s back, anything on the To-Do List.

Receiving Gifts – Examples: As simple as a flower handpicked from the garden or as luxurious as a new BMW sitting in the driveway. (The latter being a tad over the top, but hey, it doesn’t hurt to plant a seed!)

Quality Time – Examples: Watching a favorite TV show together, chatting over coffee, going out on a date, talking on the phone, spending the day together running errands or wandering aimlessly at IKEA.

Physical Touch – Examples: Hugs & kisses, back rubs, casual touches, cuddling, gettin’ busy.

If you know your preferred love languages and those of your partner, you can request and express affection and appreciation in a way that feels like a fit. The tricky thing? Often the way that your partner prefers to show love is not necessarily what makes you feel warm and fuzzy, and vice versa. At times, couples feel like they need a translator to understand each other’s behavior.

Mind if I give you some examples from my own relationship? (I apologize in advance for any TMI.) My husband grew up in a home with two working parents and a much older brother. He remembers feeling lonely and bored as a young child. As an adult, he feels the most loved and connected when he gets Quality Time or Physical Touch. If he wants to express affection, he will offer a hug, suggest we head to the bedroom or ask me to watch a movie with him on the couch.

I, on the other hand, grew up as an over-achieving first-born in a crowded, chaotic house. I have two little boys hanging all over me on most days. Instead of Quality Time or Touch, I yearn for Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. Tell me that I am a good mom or paint that bedroom wall I’ve been whining about and I am putty in your hands.

Here’s the rub: If I only make pots of coffee for my husband and never initiate a kiss or a date night, I’m not operating with his lingo. If he only squeezes my butt, but neglects to give me verbal or written compliments, he is not communicating in my dialect. The trick to truly connecting with our partner is offering them affection and appreciation in a way that feels the most impactful to them. All five of the love languages feel loving, but tuning in to each other’s preferences will help you to feel more connected than ever.

If you haven’t already, I encourage you to take The Love Language Quiz with your partner and discuss the results. (Select the PDF version if you are short for time.) If you want more on the subject, pick up the book – it’s a great read for couples who want to strengthen their relationship. And then make an effort to speak your partner’s language on a regular basis. Life will feel more loving when you are both on the same page.

Here’s to sanity and butt squeezes,

Kirsten

Free-Range Helicopter :: Monday Musing

August 7, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Wander over to the parenting section of a bookstore, and you’ll find shelves crammed with various child-rearing philosophies: Attachment Parenting, Slow Parenting, Tiger Parenting. Everyone has advice to give and they often seem to contradict each other. You’re not alone if you find this to be overwhelming. Occasionally I’ll find a gem of a book or a website and commit to doing things differently. For the most part, I’ve learned to avoid that section of the book store all together. I find that the best advice comes from my friends who are in the trenches with me.

The parenting style that has been getting the most negative press these days is Helicopter Parenting. You’ve heard about it, the tendency of modern day moms and dads to hover over their children continually, preventing them from taking risks and making their own choices or failing. The critics argue that our generation is raising kids who lack independence and initiative. Little robotic clones who only move with direction and never learn their own limits. I see evidence of these claims in my therapy practice. I often work with young people who struggle to apply for jobs, cope with stress, or make major life decisions on their own.

The push-back to the hovering helicopter is another buzz-worthy term, Free-Range Parenting. Just like chickens, the free-range proponents encourage parents to unleash their children and let them wander and explore independently. Kids are allowed to stumble and often get hurt, in hopes of teaching them self-regulation and natural boundaries. But here’s the deal: although this form of hipster parenting has plenty of positive attributes, I have also seen some negative after-effects in my practice. Many of my clients who were raised in the “kids are meant to play outside all day” 20th century, have been victims of various forms of sexual abuse or neglect and are still trying to heal from the trauma. I often wonder aloud how their parents missed the red-flags indicating that their kids were in trouble. I also wonder if helicopter parenting was born in response to the neglect that many X-Generation parents experienced.

Ask my husband about my parenting style and he would say that I do a constant dance between helicopter and free-range. Sometimes I’m a nervous wreck about the amount of candy or screen time my kids have ingested in one day. Other times, I’m THAT mom, who allows my kids to skateboard down our steep-as-a-ski-slope driveway or explore our large neighborhood (sewer drains included) on their own. Most of the time, I attempt to land somewhere in the middle. Kind of like a free-range helicopter who soars calmly overhead, keeping a watchful eye on the activities below, swooping in only when I see signs of serious danger or distress.

Parenting is not an exact science. We waste a lot of emotional energy when we try to be perfect child-rearing specimens who follow all of the latest trends and research. My advice is to allow yourself to flex back and forth as a parent, learning and growing as your child grows. Read the books and web articles, take the advice of your friends but in the end, observe your kids. They will let you know whether you are hovering too closely or needing to build more fences around their virtual chicken coop. Free-Range Helicopter or Slow Tiger, in the end what matters most is that you remain conscious and loving… the rest will usually float (or flutter) into place.

Here’s to Sanity and Chickens,

Kirsten

Want to read more? Here are two great essays on the subject from other blogging mamas:

In Defense of Helicopter Parenting

Risk Assessment: The Case for Free-Range Parenting

Empowering Laboring Moms :: Wednesday Wisdom

August 6, 2014 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Meet Wendy Howard. Wendy is the mother of two, a wife, and a Labor and Delivery Nurse with a certification in Inpatient Obstetrical Nursing at UCMB Hospital in Austin, Texas. She also has experience in Emergency Medicine, Critical Care, is a Breastfeeding Resource Nurse, and aspires to become a Certified Nurse Midwife. This is where Wendy’s unique perspective comes in – she had her first baby in a hospital setting, and her second at home with a midwife. She can truly attest, from personal experience, to the benefits and drawbacks of both birth settings. Her passion is Women’s Health, and all things related to pregnancy, labor, delivery and recovery. She strives to give each of her patients a personalized birth experience, fulfilling their hopes whenever possible. One of my favorite things about Wendy is how candid she is – she has a straightforward, honest, yet gentle way of speaking about what women can REALLY anticipate experiencing both during birth and post-nataly.

BPP: What are the biggest joys and challenges of your work as a nurse?

WH: The joys are helping a woman achieve the birth she wants. That’s what I strive for: seeing her empowered, whether that’s completely natural, drug-free with spontaneous labor, or that she tries for a vaginal delivery and winds up having a c-section. When the baby is okay and in her arms – then the outcome is positive no matter what the plan was. It’s a challenge when the plan has to change for some reason (the baby is breech or the mom is post-date or diabetic, and interventions haven’t worked). It’s also challenging when I’m advocating for the mom, but my voice isn’t heard anymore, because it’s the doctor’s call ultimately.

BPP: What are the top three things you wish women were educated on/prepared for when giving birth?

WH:

More than likely, their body knows what to do, and the majority of the time, they could have a vaginal delivery without intervention.
They have the right to refuse any service that they feel might be unnecessary for themselves or the baby.
That they should be as prepared as possible for pain, and have some emotional and mental tools for helping to manage it.

BPP: What are the top three things you wish women were educated on/prepared for post-nataly?

WH:

That a major lack of sleep will be present, and there are ways to manage that with support.
That even though an instinct is there for both mom and baby, breastfeeding education is a must because of its many facets (not all babies will latch well, all nipples aren’t the same, etc).
Your body will never be the same, in both positive and negative ways.

BPP: What are the top three myths that you find yourself dispelling with new parents?

WH:

That breastfeeding will be a breeze, and is a form of contraception: not always, and no it’s not!
That you and your parenting partner will naturally fall into a cohesive team: you have to intentionally communicate and possibly fight to become a team.
That you won’t make mistakes in every aspect of parenting: we’re human; trial, error and big mistakes are inherent to parenting, just like they are to every new role.

BPP: You had both a home birth and a hospital birth. Will you compare the two?

WH: It’s like apples and oranges. My support system (my husband and my mom) was the same for both. My psychological mind frame was different: in the hospital birth, I was unsure of so much going on around me. I had anxiety about the unknown, and had a constant feeling that an intervention like a c-section was hanging over my head. With the home birth, there was more comfort and peace, and the constant was, “I’m at home, in a safe space, it’s familiar and I can move around with no restrictions.” I had my second baby at home, and I knew I could get through the birth, which added peace of mind.

BPP: What are ways can women advocate for themselves in the hospital setting?

WH: Educate yourself before you go to the hospital. Figure out the type of birth you want, with details like whether or not you want pain medication and communicate that up front. Ask questions. Question everything, and if you don’t feel right about a decision the doctor or nurse wants to make, state your opinion and ask them to justify and explain theirs. Ideally, have a labor support person (like a doula or a good friend with an obstetric nursing background) to advocate for you.

BPP: What tips do you have for dads/parenting partners on how best to support the laboring mom?

WH: Be present, physically and with emotional support. Try to figure out with the mom what is best for her specific needs, which could be physically touching her, playing music for her, getting drinks for her, or just being there.

BPP: What advice do you have for family/friends who want to attend the birth/visit the new mom and baby in the hospital?

WH: Respect the sanctity and possible need for space of the new family, and know that needs/preferences look so different for people. When I was in the hospital after my first, I wanted no visitors until we were postpartum or ideally, at home. Don’t take it personally if the new parents want time and space with their new baby.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?

WH: Take care of yourself, whether that’s going to get a massage, exercising, getting a pedicure, going on a date with your partner – take time away to rejuvenate, so you can give your entire self to your baby.

Thank you, Wendy, for devoting yourself to advocacy for new moms, and sharing your beautifully faceted wisdom with us. Any new mom would be lucky to have you on her team.

Cheryl & Kirsten ♥

Italian Spaghetti Squash :: Friday Foodie

July 31, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

Spaghetti squash is a magical vegetable. The name says it all – when you roast and cut into it, the flesh divides into uniformly sized, al dente spaghetti “noodles”. If you eat a paleo or gluten-free diet, finding layering base foods for sauces and proteins can be a challenge. It’s easy to get bored with grilled chicken or steak with veggies, and spaghetti squash is your ticket to a new culinary ride. I could be imagining this, but it seems the smaller the squash, the smaller the noodles. I recently roasted a little guy (again with the veggie/male personification…what is that about?) that produced the squash equivalent of angel hair pasta. This makes me want to squeeze Nature and exclaim, “You’re so CUTE when you’re not chaotically cataclysmic!”

Ingredients:

2 lbs spaghetti squash (1 medium/large squash or 2 small)
2 teaspoons chopped flat leaf parsley or basil
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 tablespoon kosher salt
4 cups Fast Times Marinara or your favorite jarred pasta sauce (c’mon, make your own…you can do it!)
2 cups shredded mozzarella or vegan cheese (see tip below for more on this)

Technique:
Start this recipe early in the day, baking the squash and making the sauce while you’re doing other stuff around the house. This will allow cool down time, enabling you to work with it and add the other ingredients just before mealtime. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees, wash the spaghetti squash, and pierce the skin all over (about 10 pokes) with the tip of a small knife to keep it from exploding while it roasts. Place it on a foil-lined baking sheet, pop it in the oven, and roast for 45 minutes. When it’s cooled down enough for you to handle, slice it in half length wise, and scoop out and discard the seeds and slimy strands from the middle. Using a fork, dig into the squash, shred it into noodles and scoop it out into a large mixing bowl. This is deeply satisfying. Add the parsley or basil, olive oil and salt (use less if you’re sensitive. I find that the squash has a slightly sweet flavor, and use extra salt to quell it, increasing savory compatibility) and use two spoons to toss it together. (You can stop right here. This makes a treat of a veggie side to go with any meal.)

Spread the seasoned squash in a lightly greased rectangular casserole dish, or if you’re feeling fancy, small individual serving casserole dishes. Top it with the marinara, the cheese, and the protein of your choice (see ideas below). Pop the casserole back into the oven and bake until the cheese melts and the whole deal is hot and bubbly, about 20-30 minutes. The squash produces a lot of liquid, so use a slotted spatula to drain a little off as you serve it. And then eat it. And then smile.

Cheryl’s Tips:
Daiya vegan cheese is delicious. It melts perfectly, and has a lovely cheesy flavor with no weirdo ingredients. We try to avoid dairy, and this product has enabled us to make enchiladas, quesadillas, pizza, etc. without missing real cheese at all. I buy 5 bags of our favorite (the mozzarella shreds) at a time, keeping one bag in the fridge and the rest in the freezer until I’m ready for them.

I photographed the squash alongside a link of chicken Italian sausage, casing removed, sliced lengthwise and cooked over medium heat until golden and cooked through (about 5 minutes per side). Other protein adds: you can throw a handful of walnuts or some browned bison on top of the cheese before the final baking step. I often add a fried egg to the baked squash with swoon-worthy results. Also in the photo – I grilled Brussels sprouts and gathered up all the little leaves that fell off as I skewered them. I sautéed the leaves in a skillet over medium-high heat in a teaspoon of olive oil until they were soft and browned, then sprinkled them with a little kosher salt. Delightful.

If you listen to “Blow (Cirkut Remix)” by Ke$ha and take dance breaks with your kids while you’re cooking, your food will be infused with awesomeness.

Here’s to Sanity and Chaos,

Cheryl

Yes Trespassing :: Tuesday Tip

July 29, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

The link between a mom and a newborn is remarkably intense. It can involve breastfeeding, bliss, struggle, depression, bonding, regret, anxiety, protectiveness, super-strength, exhaustion; and can overwhelm both parents. Psychologist Augustus Napier refers to it as the “charmed circle of mother and child,” and writes about how intimidating that circle can be, especially for fathers and parenting partners. Partners often experience feelings of inadequacy and isolation. They long to help, but feel intrinsically shut out of the many parts of initial bonding that are mama-centric.

My kids are lucky to have J for a dad for many reasons, but one of the biggest is that not much scares him. During my first pregnancy, he shared his conviction to stay close to me and our new baby, not allowing his own insecurities to get in the way of being as relevant and helpful as he could be. He said, “I’ll obviously never be The Mom. I don’t have those [pointed at my breasts], and there’s just no replacement for the bond you’ll have with the baby.” Before she even arrived, he started accepting that she and I would be the center of each other’s universes for some time.

Instead of J withdrawing, we both worked (and fought, and misfired, and tried again) to find ways for him to stay in the circle with us. Every partnership is different, but here’s what worked best for us:

“I can’t feed her yet, but I can feed you.” He made sure I had snacks and meals and kept my water glass full – especially when I felt too tired to prepare food for myself.

“You have to get up with her, so I will too.” During night feedings, he changed her diaper and expertly swaddled her while I got myself situated on the couch with my pillow and book.

“You focus on her, and I’ll hold down the fort.” He made grocery runs, helped keep the house picked up, did laundry, learned to set up and break down a pack-n-play with one hand behind his back, bathed her, held her for hours while she colic-cried, and snuggled with us during feedings.

Parts of the maternal bond are impenetrable, but as partners, you can swerve toward it, finding your own ways of being indispensable. Tell her you want to help, and ask her to give you specific, measurable ways you can support her and the baby. Be patient when she can’t identify what would help, and reach out for support if you both start feeling flooded. Moms, if you notice your partner withdrawing, try to identify ways he or she can connect with you. Being invited to the party feels really good, even if you’re not quite sure how you’ll fit in.

Here’s to Sanity and Circles,

Cheryl

Roasted Brussels Sprouts :: Friday Foodie

July 25, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

I have a few grievances about the past. I’m well on my way to letting go of most of them; you know, living in “the now” and all. But one that is especially difficult to reconcile: I’ve only been eating Brussels sprouts for a year. As a kid, Brussels sprouts were the go-to vegetable for instant “ewww, gross” ignorance. The veggie scapegoat – like the teenager who acts out and then gets all the blame for family-wide, rampant dysfunction. All this time, sprouts were so deliciously perfect, and I never knew. We have a lot of catching up to do.

Ingredients:

1 bag or 1 “tree” Brussels sprouts
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 heaping teaspoons kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/4 teaspoon red chili flakes (optional – don’t use if your family has heat sensitivity)
1/2 lemon

Technique:
Preheat your oven to 450 degrees. Heat a tea kettle or microwave a large glass pitcher of water to boiling. If you bought your sprouts still on the stalk or the “tree” as I like to call it, simply break them off. Cut the larger sprouts in half, and leave the smaller ones whole. Wash them, and place them in a metal colander in your sink. Pour the boiling water over the sprouts, and watch them go from camo to beautiful, bright green (this is an easy version of “blanching”, which is a preparation step for roasting dense vegetables – it makes a huge difference in the outcome). Rinse them with cold tap water (this stops the impact of the hot water, preventing a heart-breaking mushy texture), and then dry them on a clean dish towel (this helps them brown evenly). In a large bowl, stir the sprouts, olive oil, salt, pepper and chili flakes together. Line a large, rimmed baking sheet with aluminum foil, and spread the sprouts evenly over the pan. Roast in the oven for 25 minutes. Remove from the oven, squeeze the lemon half over the sprouts and use a spatula to give them a good final stir. Look at that. Some of the sprouts will be dark, golden brown – those are the best. The flavor of the little leaves that fell off the sprouts and almost got charred in the oven? An angel was whittling a pegasus out of heaven-wood, and some shavings fell into your mouth.

Cheryl’s Tips:
Sprouts reheat deliciously. If you have leftovers, grind them in your food processor, adding a 1/2 cup to pasta sauce for extra veggie-carbs.

Throw them on the grill to add a layer of smokiness – follow the recipe, but instead of using your oven, slide the prepared sprouts onto metal skewers (if you used the red chili flakes, wear gloves to avoid burning your fingers), and grill them over hot coals on one side for 3-4 minutes, then use tongs to flip them, grilling the other side for an another 3-4 minutes. Don’t worry if they blacken a little – they’ll taste amazing. Grilling produces a crunchier texture. If you want them softer, move them to the edge of your grill off the direct heat of the coals, and let them cook about 5-10 minutes longer. Don’t forget the lemon juice at the end.

Another tip? Be kind to yourself in the kitchen. Don’t say things like, “I suck at cooking,” because it’s not true and can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Remind yourself that the biggest reason you’re cooking is to improve health for yourself and your family, which is a form of love. And love makes things taste so f’ing good.

Here’s To Sanity and Whittling,

Cheryl

What’s Your Story? :: Monday Musing

July 21, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Until I had a baby, I had no idea how important it would be to tell my birth story. I understood the educational component of tv shows on the subject, and noticed how passionately new moms talked about their experiences, but I didn’t really get it. Now, if anyone seems even remotely interested in hearing about the births of my two, I can feel heat rise in my cheeks and hear my voice getting louder. My habit of talking with my hands goes nuts as I become more traffic director than story teller.

I’m certain you’re intrigued, so here’s the cliff notes version: my daughter arrived in a little under 3 hours, which is rare for a first time mom. None of us were prepared for this, including my midwife, who had just enough time to slip on a pair of surgical gloves as she ran from our front door to our bathtub, catching our baby after my last push 4 minutes later. I wouldn’t change anything, but at the time, I was terrified to the point of emotionally leaving my body – it was as if I was watching myself go through it from somewhere near the bathroom ceiling, as J did his very best to keep us both on the ground.

A difficult emotional component of many new moms’ experiences is the massive, abrupt attention shift from her pregnancy and needs to the needs of the new baby. The birth is often skipped over, even though it is the most formative and insane process imaginable for first time parents. Suddenly the baby is here. Everything changes. And there is precious little time to emotionally catch up to the here and now, let alone fully assimilate what has just happened physically.

Kirsten and I use the word “processing” constantly. Processing is more than just chatting. It’s talking with intention, venting things out, sifting through messy feelings and patterns we don’t fully understand. The result? Lightness. Both in having emptied out burdens, and actual light being shed on things that weren’t quite clear. And if anything warrants some intense processing, it’s a birth.

One of my favorite moments of birth processing happened with my friend Shannon. She listened attentively to my story, asked tons of questions, and identified with me. When I was finished, she shared hers. It was awesome, especially her description of the part of her labor when she felt like a cow trying to push out a calf. She actually got down on all fours and demonstrated the lowing sounds she had made. We laughed and cried and just sat there reflecting on what a crazy experience it is. We decided that someday, we will host a birth recreation experience for moms. Wine and a stage and an invitation to get up there and process-perform their labor. Audience members are invited to cheer, “Go, Mama!!!” We shall call it, “This Shit HAPPENED To ME.”

If you’re a new mom, and you haven’t told your birth story to someone who is hanging on every word, see if you can make that happen. Even if it means a nice long phone conversation with a best friend who doesn’t live here. Share with your partner, as he or she needs to process too, and you were likely tuned into completely different details. I used to ask J, “Will you tell me the part about when you thought I was a total badass again?” If your birth story was traumatic or a complete departure from what you’d hoped for, consider sharing your experience with a therapist. Some things change us forever, and if we don’t assimilate the past, parts of us get left behind. Scoop all that up and bring it. Terrible or amazing, it has refined you, which renders it beautiful.

Here’s To Sanity and Processing,

Cheryl

Delicious Laundry :: Tuesday Tip

July 15, 2014 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

Hang out with other mom and dad bloggers on Twitter for a day and you’ll pick up on an amusing theme. A noticeable percentage of tweets have to do with the subject of… wait for it… laundry. Piles of laundry, loads of laundry, drowning in laundry. Even Cheryl and I have penned a few 140 character quotes about the subject. Super funny ones, I might add. Twitter is overflowing with great parenting links and hilarious toddler quotes. But I’m not kidding when I say that a sizable portion of groans revolve around the subject of washing clothes.

I get it. As my family has expanded, the amount of laundry has exploded. Washing, drying, and folding clothes has become a regular part of my daily schedule. IF I get to it. On the days I don’t get to it, my kids nickname the growing pile waiting to be folded, Mt. Underwear, and find it amusing to jump in the middle, coaxing the cat and dog to do the same – creating more dirty clothes to be washed. Lovely. I remind myself regularly that laundry is a First World Problem, but dang, if it isn’t a time consuming problem that eats up a ton of my day.

Which leads me to two other frequent Twitter subjects for parent bloggers: stress and exhaustion. Most moms and dads feel tired and overstretched – there are simply not enough hours in the day to get it all done. In a society that encourages individuals to have it all, do it all and yearn for more, we often feel saturated in clutter and an overly full calendar. Guilt and “should’s” cause us to hold on to activities and friendships that are more draining than energizing. We fill our lives, stomachs and day-timers with gunk that is not meaningful or balanced. The result? Our bodies and schedules get bloated by the extra weight we are carrying.

The anecdote for all of this busyness and stress is a concept that Cheryl and I refer to as the Delicious Philosophy. It goes something like this:

If we inserted “laundry” into the above flowchart, there would be some obvious answers: No, laundry is probably not delicious. Yes, you have to do it. But yes, you might be able to make it more delicious. I like to turn on NPR in the evening and have a big laundry folding session while my mind is being enriched. Other times I’ll flip on some tunes and invite my husband in to do some folding with me. A little linen date, you could say. Many of my friends commit to doing a quick load every evening, so that the laundry stays manageable. Of course, cleaning out your closets and drawers regularly can help. Do whatever you can to make the task more appealing.

The delicious decision matrix has infinite applications:

How many times do you eat something just because it is front of you, but not because it tastes great?
Do you have any relationships in your life that drain your energy more than contribute to it? Perhaps it is time to examine why you are holding on to them.
How about Facebook – are there connections that bring you down with toxic energy or negativity?
If you look at your calendar, are you committing to more than you have time for?

The more we clear the draining and unwanted clutter from our lives, the more energy we have for the things we have to do and for deliciousness.

You might be thinking, Well, chocolate is delicious. But you’re crazy if you think I can eat it for every meal. Right. In fact, if you had chocolate for every meal, it would probably lose some of its delicious qualities. Same goes for alcohol – too many drinks equal a hangover, and that is not very appealing. Moderation and balance are a natural part of this system. The point is to make more conscious decisions about what we consume and how we fill our daily lives.

Play with this concept for a while. Think about ways you can make the mundane activities in your life more tasty. And then think of any unsavory things that you can cut out. Spring is long gone, but it isn’t too late to do some spring cleaning and clearing. While you ponder that, I’m off to tackle Mt. Underwear, with Pandora playing in the background. Don’t want to let any dirty feet beat me to it.

Here’s to sanity and folding,

Kirsten

The Role of A Doula :: Wednesday Wisdom

July 9, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet Phyllis Brasenell. Phyllis is co-owner of AustinBorn, a boutique doula collective meeting the needs of parents from pregnancy to birth to early parenting. Phyllis is a DONA-certified birth doula and DONA-trained postpartum doula, with diverse experience including multiples, single parents, surrogacy, VBAC, home birth, and still birth. She currently serves as the Vice President of the Central Texas Doula Association. Phyllis is passionate about supporting women and their families. Before becoming a doula, she worked with pregnant teens and teen moms to complete their education and gain independence. As a volunteer with the UN World Food Program in Ghana, she supported the well-being of breastfeeding women and children. I have loved interviewing women like Phyllis for our BPP Wisdom treasure chest – but there’s one downside. I repeatedly think, “I wish I had known you when I was pregnant!” We are excited to highlight her compassionate perspective as a doula, and hope it encourages pregnant moms to seriously consider enlisting this beautiful form of support.

BPP: Please describe the role a doula plays during a woman’s pregnancy and the baby’s birth.
PB: We compliment the care of a doctor, midwife, or nurse by providing non-medical care for the mother and her partner with continuous informational, physical, and emotional support before, during, and after birth. I like to think of us as a knowledgeable guide helping mothers achieve a positive birth experience, as they define it.

BPP: What drew you to becoming a doula?
PB: My background is in social work and education with girls and women (with a brief stint in the corporate world for good measure). I became a doula because I saw my friends starting their families and feeling unsure and afraid of the process. I loved the idea of helping women to feel more confident in pregnancy, birth and parenting while also bringing their partners more actively into the process.

BPP: What are some specific ways doulas advocate for laboring moms in the hospital setting?
PB: We don’t speak on behalf of mothers or their partners because we encourage them to find their own voice. We create the opportunity for mothers to advocate for themselves by making sure they’re receiving and understanding information. So for instance, in the hospital setting if an intervention is proposed I’ll remind mom to ask “BRAIN” – Benefits, Risks, Alternatives, what does my Intuition say, and what happens if we say No?

BPP:What advice do you have for fathers/parenting partners on how to best support a laboring mom?
PB: The first is to look after yourself! This seems counterintuitive but you need to care for yourself so that you can fully care for a laboring mom. Make sure you’re eating, hydrating, resting, and using the bathroom. My second piece of advice is to be present. There’s no magic trick for supporting a woman in labor because only she can birth the baby. But feeling loved and held by her partner does wonders for her emotional state and the physical production of helpful hormones. Now’s not the time to be on your smart phone or tablet. And if in labor a partner forgets everything they learned in childbirth education class, just repeat “I love you. You’re strong. You’re doing it.”

BPP:You’ve talked about how many people see doulas as a “luxury item.” How do you counter that belief?
PB: The evidence for continuous labor support is there– births with doulas have lower rates of intervention (including c-section) and higher rates of satisfaction. We’re also endorsed by ACOG as one of the most effective ways to improve labor and delivery outcomes. But we’re rarely covered by insurance which means the care of a professional doula is an out-of-pocket cost. I encourage parents to think of having a doula as an investment– all the products and stuff we buy for new baby will fall by the wayside but a mother and her partner will remember the day their child was born forever.

BPP: What parts of the birth process/caring for a newborn do you find moms are often unprepared for?
PB: No one is better prepared than a pregnant woman! She’s reading stacks of books, taking classes, and going into the hospital or birth center with multiple bags packed. But we don’t do a lot of the emotional work needed for the birth process, especially breaking through fear and anxiety. Along those same lines, not many moms are prepared for a departure from their birth plan. They’ll have a very particular idea of how they want it to go and it can be very jarring when there’s a change. I try to emphasize that it’s best to prepare ahead of time while also knowing that we can’t go into labor/birth with the chapters pre-written– birth is a story that unfolds as you go.

Caring for a newborn also throws emotional curve balls. Many moms hear one of two stories: the blissed-out new mama where everything with baby is peaceful and easy or the struggling new mama who is sleep deprived and weepy. Not many moms are prepared for the fact that there’s room for both. We don’t like conflicting emotions but it really is normal to feel totally in love with your new baby and also missing your old life. That’s okay. You can love motherhood and sometimes kind of hate it at the same time and still be an amazing parent.

BPP: What are your favorite and most challenging parts of being a doula?
PB: My favorite part is getting to know so many diverse families from different walks of life, and I’m still in complete awe at every birth I support. It’s funny because at once it’s an ordinary process (truth time: it’s a bodily function!) but also absolutely remarkable and trans-formative. I love seeing partners look at each other after their baby is born and say, “We did it!” But the challenging part of being present at such an intimate and intense time is that it can be emotionally and physically draining. We put a lot of love and energy into the families we work with and it usually takes a couple days to recuperate from a birth. The hours and unpredictability are also tough, but now I have two partner doulas and a call schedule which helps, because we know we won’t be away from our own families for more than 24 hours at a time.

BPP: What are some misperceptions about doulas you’d like to correct?
PB: There are three biggies:

That we’ll be at odds with your doctor/midwife/nurse or try to persuade you in medical decision making. Really, we consider ourselves a member of your “birth team”, and it’s in everyone’s best interest if we communicate/work well with your other providers. And sure, we’ll be a sounding board as you process information, but we trust you to make your own choices.
That we will push an agenda. Do we believe birth is a normal and safe process? Absolutely. Do we think breastfeeding is great for mom and baby? You betcha. But above all else we are pro-mother and we respect how she chooses to give birth and parent.
That we’ll replace the partner, but our goal is actually the opposite! Prenatally, we talk a lot about the role the partner would like to have at the labor/birth and how we can facilitate that. It looks different for everyone, but it often means reminding the partner of labor comfort measures, reassuring them that everyone is doing well, or “spelling” them so they can grab a sandwich or shower without leaving mom to labor alone.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?
PB: In the first couple months postpartum, meal calendars are a must and I swear by a chore list for visiting guests (I find that friends and family really want to help but aren’t always sure how).
Also, put down the books! Okay, okay, don’t put down all the books, but what I mean is this: do educate yourself so you have a good baseline of information going into parenting. But also know that no one and no book will know your new baby like you do. Learn your baby.

Thank you Phyllis, for sharing your wisdom! You and your team are an amazing resource for expectant parents everywhere.

C & K ♥

Featured Photo Copyright: macsim / 123RF Stock Photo

Label My Child, Please :: Monday Musing

July 7, 2014 By: babyproofedparents4 Comments

Being married to a therapist, my husband has participated in his fair share of parenting strategy sessions. Ok… maybe MORE than his fair share. (This would be an appropriate time to bestow a little sympathy on spouses of therapists everywhere.)

One of our initial co-parenting talks took place while I was pregnant with our first child. While he sipped his beer and I sipped my hot tea, we agreed that we would avoid using labels with our new baby. The negative labels (difficult, clumsy, shy, fat, skinny, ugly) are obviously damaging to a child’s developing self-concept and can put the kid in a box that is hard to break free of. The positive labels (smart, good, beautiful, perfect, athletic) can be equally harmful. Labeled with these adjectives, a child feels like they have certain high standards that they have to live up to. If they no longer consider themselves to be “beautiful” or “perfect”, they can feel like they have somehow failed or that they’re not OK. In fact, ample research has been done on the overuse of the compliment, “smart”. When children are told continually how smart they are, they begin to feel like everything should come easily to them. And when they have to work at a task, or God-forbid, fail a few times, these same kids get frustrated and give up easily because it doesn’t fit with their preconceived notion of how smart people perform.

Instead of using the good, the bad and the ugly labels, we agreed to give our kids good ol’ fashioned unconditional love (I love you. Period.) and to focus our compliments and comments on the effort they were putting into their activities and learning (I can see how hard you are working to stack those blocks in a really tall tower. And now you’re putting all of your energy into knocking them over!) Ok, we don’t always talk like that, but overall my husband and I try to focus more on our children’s efforts and less on empty praise.

The labels that we didn’t prepare for are what I call the big box, or diagnosable labels, such as colic, Autism, ADHD, allergies, learning disabilities, chronic illness, etc. We weren’t avoiding discussion of these labels… it just didn’t occur to us to bring them up. I think we assumed (since I was taking my pre-natal vitamins, of course!) that we would never have to use any of these stigmatized descriptors. There was probably a little bit of pride and stubbornness mixed in there. But ultimately, we subscribed to the “Why worry until it happens?” philosophy, which I strongly recommend to any expectant or new parent.

So we didn’t worry… until my son was about 3 years old. That was the age when we began to notice some troubling quirks that we couldn’t ignore. Aidan had the loudest voice in the room, but couldn’t tolerate loud noises himself. He was exceptionally rough and violent with his new baby brother, but was extremely sensitive to touch and rough clothing. Teeth brushing, nail trimming, haircuts and doctor’s appointments were always accompanied by prolonged, blood curdling screaming. His favorite activities involved burrowing himself into couch pillows or throwing toys around the house. I won’t even go into the toilet training challenges we were having. At his 3-year wellness check, when his pediatrician asked, “How are things going?” I almost burst into tears as I listed off the challenges we were dealing with. That was the first time that I heard about the condition, Sensory Processing Disorder.

Later that day, my wise Cousin Val, an Occupational Therapist in Australia, confirmed the doctor’s suspicions via e-mail and gave us a long list of suggestions. Thus began a series of bi-weekly OT sessions for Aidan, or what he considered to be fun gymnastics in a place we called the “Playhouse.” No time was wasted – we were ready for some help. We surprised even ourselves with our rapid acceptance of the Sensory Processing Disorder diagnosis when we so vehemently rejected labels in the past. Looking back, there were three reasons why the label of SPD saved our little family:

It gave us understanding. Suddenly Aidan’s extreme sensitivity to everything under the sun made sense. His explosive behavior and tendency to want to squeeze himself and everything around him also had an explanation. Instead of feeling continually frustrated, we had a framework to understand our child’s behavior and we could offer more compassion and patience.

Pillow Pile for Diving

It gave us tools. Now we had more than time-outs and reasoning to help our son work through his challenges. When he seemed edgy and explosive, we threw couch pillows on the floor and let him dive in and channel his destructive energy. Massaging or “brushing” his body helped him to release the negative tension. Squeezing him between pillows (similar to Temple Grandin’s hug machine) or giving him weight-bearing exercises also helped his body to regulate. We bought sound-blocking headphones, softer clothing, and made sure he got plenty of sleep and minimal sugar. The more we consciously regulated his environment and triggers, the more his body “toughened up.”

It gave us relief. My husband and I got to trade in our “Worst Parents EVER” badges for “NO WONDER We Were Struggling!” t-shirts. The more we learned about SPD, the more we realized that Aidan was dealing with a fairly common condition that could be managed and remedied. We learned that approximately 30% of so-called gifted kids (oops, there’s a label) deal with some form of sensory issues. The diagnosis of SPD enabled us to let go of some of the self-blame and shame we were struggling with and reinvest our energy into learning about Aidan’s condition and helping him to recover.

Parents as a whole feel SO MUCH pressure to get everything “just right” and raise kids who are relatively perfect. Sometimes letting go of our fear of labels and acknowledging issues when they arise can open the floodgates for support and information.

Some examples?

If your newborn is crying uncontrollably for hours on end, don’t hesitate to reach out to your pediatrician. It might be reflux, or perhaps it is colic. Most likely it is nothing you are doing wrong as a parent.
If you are a new mother dealing with extreme depression, anxiety or intrusive thoughts, resist the urge to isolate and cope on your own. You might be fighting Postpartum Depression and we want you to get the support and encouragement you need.
And if you are really struggling with your child’s behavior, don’t automatically adopt the title of “Incompetent Parent” like we did. Read, ask questions and reach out for help. Even if your kid is “just being a kid”, it doesn’t hurt to consult with an expert – you don’t have to figure this out on your own.

Today our son is a 4th grader who, for the most part, has outgrown his sensitivities. We still make sure he gets plenty of sleep, healthy food and consistent routines. We still throw in sound-blocking headphones when we’re going to see fireworks or a concert. Just like other parents we limit his screen time and make sure he gets regular exercise. If you asked Aidan about Sensory Processing Disorder, he would say, “Huh??” He doesn’t identify himself with that label. As far as he knows, he is a normal 9 year old who occasionally drives his parents crazy. Mission accomplished in our opinion. The label we used to understand and help our child is the last descriptor he would use to define himself. And that is the kind of label our family can buy into.

Here’s to Sanity and Pillow-Diving,

Kirsten

Paleo Crepes with Berries :: Friday Foodie

July 4, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

I wish I was a crepe flipper. Someday, I will conquer my Flip Fear and master this dramatic and sexy cooking technique. But first, I have to break through my emotional barriers, which are two-fold. One barrier is triggered by the sensitivity of crepes. Notice the repeated use of words like “gently” and “carefully” in this recipe. Crepes tear easily, which can unfairly place them in a “victim” role, and me in an overly-protective “savior” role, thus keeping them from their golden, air-born potential. The second barrier is triggered by the part of me fundamentally opposed to wasting food. I hold the pan, ready to go for it, and then think, “What if I flip and miss? Crepe on the floor, or scorched by the range…lost. What if I start crying and can’t stop?” I’ll stick with the spatula.

Ingredients:

6 bananas
4 tablespoons protein powder (I use vanilla whey)
4 eggs
4 tablespoons butter
1 tablespoon toasted coconut
1 tablespoon toasted chopped pecans
1/2 cup fresh blueberries
1 recipe stewed cherries

Technique:
Check out our GF Orange Glazed Muffins with Stewed Cherries recipe for a quick and easy cherry sauce. It will take you about 10 minutes to throw together before you proceed with the crepes. See you back here in a few?

In a medium mixing bowl, mash 4 of the bananas. Add the eggs and the protein powder, and whisk until well blended. In a non-stick skillet (see suggestions in my tips below) over medium heat, melt 1/2 tablespoon of the butter. Spoon in enough crepe batter to make a thin, circular layer about 8 inches in diameter. Sprinkle about 1/2 teaspoon each of the coconut and pecans over the cooking crepe. After about 2 minutes, you should see a little browning around the edges. Gently slide a spatula under the center of the crepe, and very carefully flip it over. Or, if you’re feeling emotionally stable, try air flipping! Let the crepe cook for another minute, then slide it onto a serving plate. Repeat this process until you’ve used all the batter, yielding about 8 crepes. Thinly slice the remaining 2 bananas, and fill the center of each crepe with about 6 slices. Fold the edges of the crepes over the bananas, and top with 1/4 cup of stewed cherries and a few blueberries. That is pretty. Eat it.

Cheryl’s Tips:
Blog recommendation: these crepes were inspired by Paleo Goddess Juli Bauer’s lovely Protein Pancake recipe. Juli’s site is packed with deliciousness – an excellent go-to resource for all things Paleo.

I like Tim Ferriss like Tim Ferriss likes Angelina Jolie. His awesome book The 4 Hour Chef is full of recipes and techniques based on his extensive research with accomplished chefs, and his own experimentation. His “Top Gear” section lists tested kitchen gadgets to greatly enhance your cooking life. I have two sizes of the Bialetti Aeternum non-stick skillet he recommends – I love how well they work, and that they are infinitely easier on the environment than most non-stick ware.

Try these crepes for a fancy dessert – filled with vanilla coconut milk ice-cream and topped with either the cherry sauce or melted chocolate. Yum.

Here’s To Sanity and Flipping,

Cheryl

It’s Not About The Stuff :: Tuesday Tip

July 1, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Registering for gifts has always made me very happy. The little pricing gun, watching your online tracking list dwindle down, knowing the presents you open were pre-selected – it’s a beautiful process. When it came time to register for our first baby shower, J and I were told about “The List” – a popular big box baby store’s print out of suggested must-have baby items. We stopped by to grab a copy. I stood very still, staring at what seemed to be over 200 items. This thought flashed through my mind: “What the hell is ‘layette’? Le what? Le who?” Seeing the look on my face, J gently removed The List from my death grip and led me to the Thai restaurant next door. Mus Mun curry with chicken makes everything better.

Fast forward to a gorgeous Saturday morning at one of my favorite south Austin coffee spots. I noticed a woman pushing the stroller of my dreams – compact, easy to maneuver, and red. When I asked her about it, we fell into a conversation about how much stuff you can feel pressure to buy. I loved her spin, “All your baby really needs is a soft place to sleep and your boobs.”

I found peace somewhere in the middle. I was lucky enough to have several awesome mama friends who combed through The List with me, voting on the items they agreed were essential. They had saved tons of gently used baby gear for me, and we registered for/bought a few things we were pretty certain we’d need, because of their function or their irresistible cuteness. Some things on The List actually became needs later, requiring some post-baby shopping. Through it all, I kept reminding myself that as long as our little one had us, we’d all survive.

The nesting instinct that comes over parents can be intense. If used for good, it can result in completed projects, an organized house, and a calm, centered you. If gone awry, it can convince you that you should be afraid, you should buy everything on multiple Lists, and if you don’t have a microwavable steamer bottle sterilizer that doubles as a baby monitor… game over. Deep, deep breaths. It’s not about the stuff. The most valuable thing you can give your baby is a healthy you – your arms, your milk and your sanity.

BPP Sanity Saving Tips:

Remember that lists of “Must-Haves” can be treated more as “Helpful Suggestions.” Ask moms you admire for advice on what to procure before baby’s arrival, and what can wait, if it’s needed at all.
Arrange in advance for someone to make runs for baby items you later realize would really help (and groceries, and Mus Mun with chicken).
If you start to feel overwhelmed or unprepared, remind yourself of the truest essential for your baby: love. Pretty sure you’ve got a lot of that.

Here’s To Sanity and Layette,

Cheryl

On New Parents & Sex – Dr. Pat Love :: Wednesday Wisdom

June 25, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet Dr. Pat Love. It’s impossible to encapsulate Pat in a few sentences, or to fully showcase her expertise in one blog post, so we’ve chosen to glean her knowledge on transitioning your sexual relationship through the addition of a new baby to your family. You’ve likely seen Pat on TV and run across her articles in popular magazines, but she’s also a distinguished professor, licensed marriage and family therapist and long-standing clinical member/approved supervisor for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists. Pat has authored/co-authored numerous articles and six books, including Hot Monogamy and How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. She’s a popular national and international presenter, trainer and relationship consultant, but most of all, after 30 years she simply enjoys being a helper. I first heard Pat being interviewed on a radio talk show, and mid-way realized I was shouting out loud, “Yes!!! Me toooo!” When I’m yelling at a tiny clock radio in an empty bathroom, I’m pretty sure I’m in the presence of wisdom.

BPP: What drew you to specializing in relationships and intimacy issues?

PL: I am a life-long learner, and the drive to learn led me to research and study relationships. I had a lot to learn personally about love, intimacy, sexuality and parenting, and the more I learned along the way, the more I was able to pass this knowledge on to my clients as well as others in the helping professions. Because relationships are more difficult in the 21st century, the challenge of helping families and couples keeps me energized and excited. I am very grateful for meaningful work and the practical knowledge I’ve been able to pass on to others. It’s an exciting time to be a relationship consultant!

BPP: What are common sexual intimacy issues you see in couples who have added a new baby to the family?

PL: Pure exhaustion has to be the number one issue. The 24/7 responsibility cannot be explained to anyone who has not experienced it. Sleep deprivation, worry, time pressure and caregiver-overwhelm—all create a form of stress unlike any other. Oddly, this type of strain makes half the population want sex more and the other half of the population want sex less (Uh, what would be below wanting it less? Unconscionable? Out of the realm of possibility? Infuriating? Seriously?). A typical couple has one person from each category so you do the math. Desire discrepancy is the norm in most couples, but it becomes exacerbated during the first couple of parenthood years. This “I’m Hot and You’re Not Syndrome” can cause stress and compassion fatigue in couples.

Another fact not given enough attention is that new moms don’t get their normal libido back for at least a year after the baby’s birth, and even longer with breast feeding. This is Nature’s way of getting you to focus on this baby instead of making another one. Women may need to be more proactive when it comes to creating sexual desire, possibly a new experience not required before.

Another issue: the role of providing post-partum help and assistance to the mom. It is imperative for the partner to understand that help and support is directly tied to the mother’s sex drive. A partner who does not help is providing a strong sexual disincentive to the mother! Whatever is more powerful than a “turnoff” —use that word here to describe how it feels to be expected to be sexual when your partner is not helping or sensitive to the need for help.

One more thought: a new baby changes the family constellation and the roles the partners personify. When it’s just the two of you, all your discretionary time can be lavished on one another. Plus, the expectations are unified around the role of partner, best friend, confidant, sexual partner. When baby arrives, all of the sudden you are Mom and Dad, not just lovers and spouses. Whole new ball game. You are now sharing your time, energy and attention with another person who is by nature very demanding and determined to be the priority.

If the new baby isn’t your first, the issues mentioned above are still relevant because two, or three or four children take more time than one.

BPP: What is the average time frame in which a new mom could expect to feel her libido return to normal, and what are the factors that reduce a woman’s sex-drive after giving birth?

PL: This depends upon how long you’ve been in the relationship; how much personal knowledge you have about your own arousal/desire style; and your desire level prior to the pregnancy. For most women, the libido fully returns in about a year or after breast feeding has ceased. Medications and hormones can obviously change this. Women with a naturally high libido can see a return sooner.

BPP: What advice would you offer a new mom who is physically able to resume her sexual relationship, but can’t seem to get into the mood?

PL: First and foremost, honor yourself for sharing this normal experience with millions of women around the world! Second, let your imagination run wild and fantasize about what would excite you (not just sexually, but what would excite you period!). If your answer is something like, “A month of restful sleep,” then so be it. Negotiate from this point.

Post-partum turn-ons are likely very different than before. Be brave in voicing your needs and desires. If you need some of the pampering the baby is getting, then put it in positive, measureable and specific (you can remember the acronym PMS) terms for your partner to lavish on you. Examples: “For the next full week, let me sleep through the night while you get up with the baby.” “Take care of dinner through the end of this month.” “Ask your mom to bring dinner over once a week.” “Take care of the baby for one hour in the evening while I have some time to myself.”

BPP: What advice/perspective would you offer fathers/parenting partners who are feeling frustrated with the lack of post-baby physical intimacy?

First, do everything in your power to lower your partner’s stress; this is post-partum foreplay! Second, be as patient as possible in the first three months. Third, be clear about your sexual needs; make sure you are voicing your desire in a kind, clear manner. Lavish each other with S.O.S., skin-on-skin contact. It’s not just the baby who needs affection and caregiving! Don’t hesitate to seek guidance from good books, sites and support.

BPP: What are ways expectant couples can prepare proactively mentally/emotionally for the possible changes in their post-baby sexual relationship?

PL: Read, learn, talk to others who have done it successfully. Make sure your communication skills are exceptional; couples who can stay connected through this time are the happiest. Prioritize tasks and make sure your relationship is on the list. Some things you can let go for years (a neat garage or the perfect yard); others have to be made vital.

BPP: What do you find yourself saying over and over to new moms about their sexual relationships? New dads/parenting partners?

PL: Partnering is the primary part of parenting!

BPP: What are ways new parents can remain close intimately during the first 6 weeks after giving birth, when sex is off limits, and both parents are exhausted?

PL: Holding each other while you hold the baby. Lots of S.O.S. (skin-on-skin) with one another. Sleeping and napping together. Keeping chores to a minimum. Let others help. Ask for help so you can enjoy each other as well as the baby. Buy sleep, rest and fun via hiring out to get chores done. When others offer help, let them do the jobs that will enable you two to spend time together and with the baby.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?

PL: Buy more underwear—you won’t have to worry about doing laundry for yourself that way.

Thank you Pat, for your accessible suggestions and guardianship of couples! We value your work and are grateful for your contribution to our BPP volume of wisdom. And, we can’t resist this opportunity to note the sheer perfection of your last name.

C & K ♥