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I’d Die For Them – A Modern Family’s Tale :: Monday Musing

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Occasionally at BPP we make things personal.  Our hope is that revealing some of our own struggles and triumphs will resonate with and inspire you.  Cheryl submitted this essay to the Gay Dad Project, an online resource for families in which one parent has come out as LGBTQ.  The Gay Dad Project provides a safe space for families to tell their stories, connect and raise awareness.  We decided her essay was worth sharing with you too.

I’d Die For Them – A Modern Family’s Tale

It’s easy to say you’d die for your kids.  It seems standard to parenting – this unflinching belief that you’d throw yourself between them and the train or the rabid dog, drape your body over them as the tornado touches down, over the grenade as it detonates.  We visualize these scenes and marvel at our selfless love.  I’d reflexively sacrifice my life for them.

What I marvel at now?  How much harder it is to sacrifice my ego.  Even for one day.  If I died, I wouldn’t have to witness the aftermath.  Living, I have to watch the steady impact of how ill-prepared I feel for navigating the four of us through this alternative universe of modern family-ism.

Before J and I married, we had a secret exchange.  Facing each other on his twin bed, I learned about his bisexuality, and he learned about my painfully colorful past. We offered each other absolution and acceptance.  I fell in love with his jawline and his way of sitting quietly next to me whenever I cried or screamed.  We plowed ahead for 13 sweet years, helping each other heal and deprogram the shame we’d been fed a steady diet of since birth. We started to outgrow the construct of our marriage when we had our daughter, and when we had our son two years later, we combusted. I never recovered my desire to be intimate with him after my first pregnancy.  I blamed hormones, stress, my history of detaching emotionally, anything I could find to avoid seeing what was slowly changing right in front of me.  His lifelong fight to live comfortably in our hetero world and inflate the slight side of himself that was attracted to women was diminishing.

j&cAt bedtime, we tell our children, “We love you no matter what.”  He sat in duplicity night after night – saying it to our daughter and son, but incapable of saying it to himself.  While he silently swallowed back his knowing and his fear, I started having feelings for another man, rendering my explanations for my lack of libido moot. Then there was the night.  I walked into the house, took his hand, led him away from the roasted chicken sitting on the table and into our bedroom.  I spilled my guts.  48 hours of crying and talking and yelling and silence later, he came out.

I can’t begin to fathom J’s pain, and it’s not mine to share.  My grief was rage.  My tears were sweat.  Buckets of it, spilled on weights at the gym, on the streets of our neighborhood as I ran in the dark watching the houses wake up, on one tiny square of kitchen floor tile as I danced late at night like a rave maniac raising blisters on the soles of my feet.  Music blared into my ears, as loud as I could get it.  I exponentially worsened the hearing damage inflicted in college when Gibby Haynes came onstage firing blanks from a shotgun.  I was trying to move my body away from this new reality and drown out the sound of breaking.

Regarding perspectives, I’m Team Frankl: they’re chosen, and I prefer mine fresh.  My ego begged me to make J’s sexuality personal.  “See?  You knew this risk all along.  You signed up to get duped.  You’re not woman enough to sustain him.”  But it’s not about me.  It’s not about him.  It’s about freedom.  The freedom to choose: live a facade, or acknowledge that something big grew from within us and had to break our construct into a million pieces if any of us were to evolve.  How strong is the father of my children?  He’s more masculine than many straight men I know, because he had the balls to reveal his true identity to himself, his religion, his family, and in what now feels like a gift, to me.  And I got to receive the gift first.

It’s fitting.  Our friendship became lust at Six Flags Over Texas.  Our split went down roller-coaster style, as we held hands and eye contact, and stepped out over the abyss.  We’re slowly guiding two gorgeous little people through what it’s like to live with parents who sometimes have no clue who we are.  We narrate as we go, answering their 3 and 5-year-old questions with the constant underscore, “Your parents respect and love each other, and give each other freedom.”  We’re fearfully and proudly living as a modern family:  divorced part-time housemates/besties/co-parents rotating through the home where our kids live full time and an apartment where we individually live part-time.  You’d just have to see it to understand it, but it’s beautiful and it works.  We surround ourselves with people who support us.  And love those who don’t, but politely remind them where our door is located should they need it.

If we’d give up our lives for our kids, can we give up our egos and our grand plans and our “situations”?  Because what are those things anyway?  Especially when they’re situated comparatively next to evolution, freedom and love?  Give me huge servings of the latter.

Banana Nut Smoothie :: Friday Foodie

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Have you been saving overripe bananas in your freezer as instructed in our Paleo Banana Bread recipe post?  Good job.  In my recipe-writer fantasy, you’ve been waiting on the edge of your seat, gazing at least once a day at your growing frozen banana stash, scratching your head, gesturing with theatrical inquisition toward the ceiling and asking out loud, “WHEN is she going to give us that amazing smoothie recipe?!”  Beautiful, dedicated reader, your patience is about to be rewarded.  This smoothie cures what ails.  It makes a complete meal, is especially lovely for breakfast, and kiddos dig it.  Add the optional spinach leaves and protein powder to take the nutritional value over the top.  Sip, and levitate.

Ingredients:

  • 3 bananas, cut into chunks and frozen (freezing them makes all the difference)
  • 3 heaping tablespoons nut butter (my favorite is a combo of roasted almond butter and sunflower butter)
  • 1/2 cup plain yogurt or kefir
  • 1/2 cup milk or milk alternative (vanilla almond milk.  mmmm.)
  • 1 tablespoon whey protein (optional)
  • 1 cup loosely packed baby spinach leaves (optional)

Technique:
Put all that goodness into your blender and blend it well, baby.  My measurements result in about 4 small, very thick smoothies, the consistency of slightly melty soft serve.  If you like your smoothies more drinkable, simply add more milk.

Cheryl’s Tips:
Being raised by post-depression era farm folks conditioned me to feel physical pain when good food is thrown away.  I will trashcan dive if anyone tosses eggshells, apple peels, or anything that could be composted, and I love finding uses for dregs.  When you use fresh nut butter, you often have to stir and stir to combine the oil and nut solids.  At the bottom of the jar, there’s usually a thick, nutty layer that’s hard to spread without destroying your bread.  I scrape this out and toss it into the blender.  And on the rare occasion that there’s a leftover heel from a loaf of b-bread, it blends beautifully into the smoothie and gives it a tiny hint of chocolate.  Nothing wasted.  Your mouth will love the taste, your body will love the nourishment, and the part of your conscience that is in constant turmoil about the state of our environment will take a deeply satisfying breath.

Here’s To Sanity and Levitation,

Cheryl

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4 Ways to Keep the Love Alive :: Tuesday Tip

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Romanticcouplewithchild

Last November, English researchers published a study arguing that child-less couples are happier in their relationships than couples with kids.  Within hours of the press release, the researchers’ claims were splashed around the Internet and a healthy, heated debate ensued. People argued that the research was flawed, that children brought immeasurable happiness and that the long-term benefits of being a parent outweighed the short-term strains on an intimate relationship.

Many of us parents (who were at home changing diapers and wiping snotty noses) did not participate in the debate.  Instead we rolled our eyes and said, “Well… duh… we could have told you that!”  It’s a widely known fact that having children takes a toll on a relationship: You can’t go on dates at the drop of a hat.  You and your partner get less one-on-one time together.  And if the two of you do sneak in some alone time, you’re often too tired to do anything other than watch a movie and doze off on the couch.

That being said, I’m going to argue that parents can prove the research wrong.  As a counselor, I have observed many couples grow closer than ever after adding littles to their tribe.  Watching your partner bring a child into the world and then morph into a mother or father can be a very sweet and endearing process.  My advice is to capitalize on this new-found appreciation of each other, and then make a very deliberate and conscious effort to keep the spark alive. It can be done, I promise! Here are four suggestions for feeling closer than ever to your mate:

Share Your Gratitude: Get in the habit of thanking each other for the smallest things.  Thank you for emptying the dishwasher.  Thanks for giving me a breather and taking over with our colicky baby last night when I was about to lose it.  I really appreciate how you didn’t dump your shoes in the middle of the floor when you came home yesterday.  Thank you for picking up my favorite dark chocolate at the grocery store.  Thank your partner, and then thank them again.  The attitude of gratitude in your relationship will feed positivity and help you to appreciate your partner rather than resent them.

Re-Romanticizing Exercise: After a couple has been together for several years, they typically grow out of the habit of doing sweet things for each other.  The reasoning: You’ve secured your partner. No need to charm or court them anymore, right?  Wrong.  In his book, Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix gives his readers this assignment: Make a list of ten small gestures that make you feel special and loved.  Ask your partner to do the same, and then exchange the lists.  Need some inspiration for your list? Think back to when you and your spouse were dating.  Some examples might be:

  • Come home with flowers for no reason.
  • Rub my shoulders for ten minutes.
  • Bring me a cup of coffee in bed. (Better yet, with whipped cream and a dash of cinnamon on top!)
  • Leave a sweet note on the fridge.
  • Light a fragrant candle before I get home.
  • Whip together my favorite dinner.
  • Put fresh linens on the bed and then turn down the sheet.
  • E-mail me a short poem.

You get the picture.  After you’ve exchanged lists, commit to doing two things for your partner every week, unannounced, no strings attached. These random acts of kindness will help to naturally manifest an atmosphere of support and love.

Make Time for Couple Time: OK, we know that new parents do not have the time or energy to get out very often, if at all.  But there are work-arounds to this dilemma.  Set aside time for “home-dates”.  Some examples: Cuddling on the couch while you watch your favorite TV show.  Sharing a cup of coffee or a glass of vino on the back patio. Perusing the IKEA or West Elm catalog together for that rug you really need.  When your babies are old enough to be left alone, book a babysitter at least once a month and get out on a date.  You need to make time for each other. And that is an order!

Bedtime Compliments: I’m not referring to complimenting your partner for their bedroom skills, although that can’t hurt!  Instead I encourage you get in the habit of sharing one thing that you love about each other before you go to bed each night.  I love the sound of your voice on the phone.  I really like how organized you are.  I love that you are able to find the humor in the ridiculousness of being covered in spit up.  You are so sexy when you dance around the kitchen in your pajamas.  No matter how tired you are, it is nice to fall asleep knowing that you are appreciated in a very specific way.

OK, so I know what you are thinking: Do we really have to force these things in our relationship?  Shouldn’t this stuff happen organically and spontaneously?  Sure, that would be ideal.  But when you are sleep-deprived and surrounded by diapers, dishes and dirty laundry, it is crucial to put aside time to connect with and appreciate your partner, or else the relationship can easily slip through the cracks.

According to the same research study mentioned earlier, it is the simple expressions of gratitude and appreciation that play a big role in fulfilling marriages.  So be deliberate and conscious about making these gestures part of your relationship.  And then give yourself and your partner time.  As the years fly by, and your kids get older, you will find more and more time to connect, and the spark that you kept alive can be fanned into a full-fledged flame.  Let’s make a collective effort to prove the researchers wrong and find romance in our relationships amidst the diapers, burp cloths and butt paste.

Here’s to sanity and sparks,

Kirsten

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Raising Multilingual Children :: Wednesday Wisdom

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Tips to raising multi-lingual children

Claudia and her family.

Meet Claudia Kramer Santamaria.  She is a lifelong educator who has worked as a teacher, elementary principal and currently, the Supervisor of Parent Programs for Austin Independent School District.  We asked Claudia to share about  her experience of immigrating to the United States from Uruguay as a child. We also wanted to learn about the powerful decision she and her husband made to raise their children in a multilingual and multicultural environment.  Claudia has loads of wisdom to share and we are so grateful to feature her on Baby Proofed Parents today. ¡Bienvenido Claudia!

BPP: You are a fully bilingual adult with no audible accent, so people might not realize that you were born in the South American country of Uruguay. How old were you when you moved to the states? Was it challenging acclimating to the American culture as a Spanish-speaking child?

CKS: I was 5 years old when I came to the United States from Uruguay.  I had learned my basics in Kindergarten, in Uruguay, so English is definitely my second language.  I grew up in a very multicultural and multilingual area of Queens, NY and although I lived with people who spoke many different languages, the schools that I attended were English-only.  I remember coming home crying with massive headaches as a 1st grader, unable to understand or speak the language spoken all around me.  It’s still painful to think back to that time of my life; I cried everyday to my mom – begging her to not send me to that place (school). When I moved from Queens to Houston at the age of 13, it was like moving back in time. This time it wasn’t a language barrier but one of cultural identity – I was an outcast in both the “white world” and the “Mexican world” because I didn’t neatly fit in either category. I  found that experience to be equally heart breaking.

BPP: Can you share about the decision that you and your American-born husband, Benjamin, made to raise your children with Spanish as their first language while living in Austin?

CKS: As a result of my struggles to find my identify in the American and Texan worlds, my immigrant identity became stronger!  I held on to the culture, language, music and food of Uruguay.  I have my parents to thank for this. We only spoke Spanish at home, watched Spanish TV channels and interacted with Latino family friends.  My husband, Benjamin, had lived in Ecuador for two years and had an understanding of the Latino life and language. That was an important characteristic that I looked for in a future husband. When we married and talked about children, I shared the need to make sure that our children rooted themselves in the language and culture of both parents.  Benjamin understood that they would gain the English culture and traditions just by living here – so he agreed to help me establish the Latino culture in our children.

BPP: How did you introduce your children to English when Spanish was the predominantly spoken language at home? How have they benefited from being bilingual?

CKS: Not much effort was needed to introduce our children to English – they are surrounded by the language. They were exposed to English by their friends, TV, movies, music, and of course school.
The benefits of being bilingual include being able to experience two worlds of language, culture, music, and traditions. We travel to Uruguay frequently so they may continue their relationship with their Spanish-speaking family.  They are able to have an authentic relationship with my father who lives in Uruguay and speaks only Spanish. They can read stories in two languages. In fact, we have introduced Mandarin to both children through an after school program.

BPP: When your young children began interacting with other kids and adults, out and about in Austin, did they struggle with a language barrier? Have they encountered any speech, comprehension or reading difficulties due to being bilingual?

CKS: At first, when we were out, they would look to us for help or explanation. I think other people were struggling to understand why Ben and I were doing this to our children! As kids, they never struggled – they would look to us to translate and then tell us what they wanted to say or experiment creatively with the language.
My daughter, Sophia is now above her grade level in reading and writing in both English and Spanish. She is only eight years old, but can read Harry Potter in both languages. She also speaks beginning Mandarin beautifully. Fernando is even more advanced in all three languages!

BPP: Your children now attend a dual-language school where they learn in both Spanish and English.  Can you share about how their school is unique and how they incorporate the two languages?

CKS: Sophia has 50% of her instruction in English and 50% of her instruction in Spanish.  Our school district uses the Gómez and Gómez Dual Language Enrichment Model. You can read more about this system and its protocols at this link.  Unfortunately my daughter’s art, music and PE classes are all in English, since the teachers speak English only.  Ideally we would love her social interactions to be in both… but they are predominantly in English.  She has a “bilingual pair” whom she works closely with throughout the day – one child is a native Spanish speaker and one child is a native English speaker.  The goal of the dual language program is that by the end of 5th grade, children will be bi-literate and bi-cultural.

BPP: As you raise your two children in America, do you notice any cultural differences between South American and American child-upbringing practices? Do you incorporate any traditions or practices into the upbringing of your own children?

CKS:  We are lucky as a family to stay very connected to Uruguay by traveling there every few years and staying there a minimum of two to three weeks.  Hence, we are constantly learning more about South American traditions, food options, music, and books.  These experiences help us to hold onto the South American culture and language.
We have the tooth fairy AND the ‘ratoncitos’ (little mice that come to get your tooth at night).
We celebrate Christmas AND ‘El Día de los Reyes’ (The Day of the Three Kings.) We also celebrate Chanukah for that matter!
We sing songs and rhymes from Uruguayan children’s books and CD’s.  And of course, we read to them from Mother Goose!

BPP:  For English-speaking parents who do not speak a second language, how and when do you recommend that they introduce their children to another language? What do you think are the advantages to exposing young children to multiple languages?

CKS:  I have studied and applied Bilingual Education practices for over 20 years and I can honestly recommend that sooner is better to introduce a child to a second or even a third language. The earlier, the better.  There are a number of reputable Spanish/French/Mandarin Immersion day cares in Austin (and most other cities) that parents can research.  In addition, our school district here in Austin now has twelve dual-language schools that teach children in the Gómez model from Kinder – 5th grade.

Claudia&daughter

BPP: You have been, and continue to be, a life-long and influential educator. Have you found that your experience and expertise as an educator has impacted how you parent and raise your children?

CKS:  My educator experiences have incredibly influenced my parenting, especially in this area of language acquisition. With my first born, I felt I was doing some sort of ‘experiment’ to see if in fact a Spanish-only environment would help or hinder my daughter’s English language acquisition… but what I learned as a teacher and a principal held water.  The ‘power language’ – the language in the greater environment, outside of the home – will always prevail.  That is why parents must be strategic and focused on applying experiences for the children in the 2nd and 3rd languages that you want the child to learn.  We are constantly thinking about how to have a Chinese influence in Sophia’s life since her only exposure is twice a week at the Chinese school.  We are actually going to China for 14 days this summer so that she can attend a Chinese school.  The commitment to the languages we want our kids to learn must be REAL.

BPP:  If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to an expectant or new parent, what would it be?

CKS:  Pick a language other than English that you want your child to learn.  Begin your research NOW on how to expose him/her to that language.  And let the fun begin!

Thanks for sharing your inspiring story and expertise with us Claudia! You are a true example of someone who lives and parents according to their values and traditions. – C & K ♥

The Hardest Job :: Monday Musing

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Parenting is the hardest job you’ll EVER have.  I repeatedly heard folks say this before I had my first child but I had no earthly idea what they meant.  “I think I’ll take up scrap booking while I’m home with baby… you know, something to fill up my time,” I casually mentioned to one of my co-workers toward the end of my first pregnancy.  She chuckled, slowly swiveling her chair back toward her computer monitor, unable to dignify my statement with a response.

Challenges of parenthood discussed

Later, I discovered that I would have NO time for scrap booking and that parenting truly IS the hardest job.  It’s also the most rewarding and the most courageous job. But let’s just be honest, it is DAMN hard.  And to illustrate this point, I’d love you to participate in a visualization with me.  I would ask you to close your eyes… but then you couldn’t read… so just work with me for a few minutes.

Imagine THIS:

You and your spouse/partner get the news that each of you just landed your dream job.  Better yet, both of you will get to work for the same company, in the same office, on the same start date.  How fun is that?  The only catch is that you don’t report to work for nine months.  And during those nine months, you will have very limited and sporadic job training.  Just a few hours here and there, in which someone will share with you what your job might be like, but they really can’t tell you for sure.

Your excitement and anticipation grow as the months tick by, but while you wait, you are plagued by some (or all) of the following: excessive weight gain, heartburn, constipation, insomnia and occasional nausea.  What a splendid way to start my job, you groan, while hanging out in your new favorite spot, the restroom.

As the nine-month mark approaches, it’s go-time.  You get the news that it’s time for you and your partner to report to work.  How cool!  But WAIT.  Before doing so, you will need to go through the most physically and psychologically exhausting ordeal that you have ever experienced.  The same goes for your partner, who will emotionally and vicariously stand by your side through this process.  Your excitement is through the roof any way, because hey, you’re starting your dream job, right?

You are officially in your new position now and you are overjoyed.  For the first couple days, a few sweet, well-meaning individuals pop into your cubicle from time to time, and give gentle suggestions.  But for the most part, you and your partner have to figure out the new protocols and procedures on your own.  You quickly realize that you will not get to leave your workplace to rest at night.  Even coffee and lunch breaks are obsolete.  Every time you do get some sleep, you will randomly be jolted awake.  In the meantime, your body is still recovering from everything it went through a few days ago, and your hormones are raging.  Add this to the sleep deprivation, and you alternate between beaming with pleasure and sobbing uncontrollably.  You begin to wonder if you’re developing multiple personalities.  You’re trying to figure out if your partner is an angel sent from heaven or a demon trying to confuse and frustrate you further.

For the first few days, the new system you are working on is fairly quiet and peaceful, but after a week or so, it suddenly wakes up and there is no rhyme or reason to how it is functioning.  You reach out to others, who have worked with this “hardware” before, and they give you vague pointers, but it seems like your system is different from everyone else’s.  Not to mention, noisy!  Never fear though – as the weeks stream by, you and your partner begin to figure out your job duties.  You even give each other fist bumps for rocking your new positions.  And yet, every time you say, “We got this thing!” – everything changes – and you have to figure out the new protocols all over again.

Despite the hardships and bewilderment, you and your partner are still in an odd state of satisfaction, so you stay with the company for 18 years, knowing that every few months, your job requirements will completely change, with no additional training, and you will be challenged in ways you never knew.  But you know that it will all pay off in the end – and you experience daily (or weekly) glimpses of the purest pleasure you’ve ever known.

THAT is why parenting is the hardest job.  There’s no training, there’s no user manual, there’s no report card or annual review to let you know you are doing OK.  There are physical and emotional strains on both you and your partner.  And your child and parenting situation are uniquely challenging and amazing all at once.  But if you ask any parent if they would take on this job again, their answer is always YES.  In fact, quite frequently, one to two years after accepting the first job, parents sign up to do it all over again. Wha???

Cheryl and I have both reported to the workplace of babyhood, and we know it can be a doozy.  Try to think of Baby Proofed Parents as that nosy, but super sweet & helpful co-worker who wants to give you tons of advice (and a touch of juicy gossip) while you’re adjusting to your new position. We may not provide on-the-job training, but we definitely offer on-the-job encouragement and a much-needed fist bump here and there.  You will ROCK the job of parenthood, we just know that you will.

Here’s to sanity and cubicles,

Kirsten

Parenting challenges discussion

 

GF Orange Glazed Muffins :: Friday Foodie

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Orange_Muffin

There was no “Home Ec” in my high school.  There was, however, “Food Science and Nutrition,” or “FSN” to those in the biz.  We were sooo progressive.  In FSN, I learned all about the complex sensitivity of muffin batter.  If you over-mix it, the muffins can come out full of funky air tunnels.  While some people love to play “6 Degrees of Separation,” I prefer “Turn Everything Into a Mental & Emotional Health Promotional Opportunity.”  Let’s liken over-mixing the muffin batter to overanalyzing/doubting oneself when on the verge of making a major life change, such as embarking on a new career path.  If you question yourself too much, you can stay stuck, infusing your life with tunnels of stagnant air instead of consistently fluffy, magical deliciousness.  Bam!!

Make these easy, orange-tastic muffins with some scrambled eggs tomorrow morning, and watch your day unfold perfectly from there.

Ingredients:

For the Cherries:

  • 1 cup dried, sweetened sour cherries
  • 1/2 cup water

For the Glaze:

  • 2 tablespoons frozen organic orange juice concentrate
  • Up to 1 cup powdered sugar, sifted

For the Muffins:

  • 1 1/4 cups Pamela’s Pancake and Baking Mix
  • 1 egg
  • 1/4 cup plain yogurt or kefir
  • 1/4 cup milk or milk alternative
  • 1/2 cup honey or agave nectar
  • zest of one orange (another opportunity to use your awesome zester – hooray!)
  • 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
  • 1/4 cup finely grated zucchini (optional)

Technique

For the Cherries:
In a small saucepan, combine the cherries and water.  Bring to a boil over medium-high heat, stirring occasionally.  Reduce the heat to low and simmer until the cherries have softened and absorbed all but about 1/4th of the water.  Turn off the heat and allow to cool slightly. While cooling, the cherries will absorb a little more water, resulting in a yummy compote to spread over the muffins.

For the Glaze:
Start by whisking the frozen concentrate with 3 tablespoons of the powdered sugar.  The concentrate will melt quickly, and when the mixture is smooth, gradually whisk in the rest of the sugar until it’s slightly thicker.  These measurements make my favorite glaze consistency – it coats the muffins and drizzles onto the plate for dipping every bite.

For the Muffins:
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.  Combine all the ingredients with a wooden spoon in a medium mixing bowl.  Gently stir until everything is incorporated and no streaks of baking mix or egg show up in the batter, but remember to avoid over-mixing it.  Scoop the batter into a well-greased 6-cup muffin pan, filling each cup to slightly below level.  Bake for 20 minutes or until very lightly browned.  Cool the muffins on a baking rack for about 5 minutes before carefully removing them from the pan, as gluten-free goodies have a tendency to stick.  Drizzle about a tablespoon of glaze over each warm muffin, serve with a small scoop of your lovely cherries, and enjoy!

Cheryl’s Tips:

If you’ve been following our recipes, thank you, and you might wonder why zucchini is in almost everything?  First, it grows like crazy here in Austin, so I try to find creative uses for it.  Second, it is incredibly easy to hide in baked goods and pasta sauces, adds a tiny bit of veggie goodness, and helps me feel less anxious about my children’s ongoing refusal to eat anything green.

I tried making the glaze with the juice of the orange, which seemed more practical, and in theory, tastier.  It fell flat.  The concentrate has such a powerful orange flavor, which is necessary to adequately compliment the milder flavor of the muffin itself.

Those cherries.  Mmmm.  Another decadent use: over frozen vanilla yogurt or a warm brownie.  The same stewing technique works well with other dried fruit, like apricots or plums.  I’ll save the Mental & Emotional Health/Stewing Promo for another time.

Here’s To Sanity and FSN,

Cheryl

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Cut The Crap – Purging 3 Ineffective Communication Strategies :: Tuesday Tip

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Our brains can feel quite cluttered.  Purging the things that are no longer useful opens space for new ideas, approaches and behaviors.  Consider healthy eating plans.  Many of them start by omitting things like sugar, processed foods and caffeine (which makes me so, so sad). After detoxing, you start to feel better, have more energy, and can build by adding more  greens, lean protein and whole foods.

The same principle works in relationships.  I’ve worked with a lot of clients on breaking old patterns and being more intentional when dating. When I ask, “What qualities are you looking for?” many people draw a complete blank.  So, I redirect with, “What do you want to avoid?”  This primes the pump.  “No commitment issues.  No drug use.  No habit of softly whistling show tunes while I’m talking to him.”  (That last one was personal.)  Sometimes getting to what we do want requires strong clarity about what we don’t want, and moving it out of our way.

Therapists are always preaching about improving communication with our partners.  We all want to be more in sync, but managing conflict and getting our meaning across can feel impossible, especially amidst the added craziness of raising kids.  Before tackling the arts of “I” Statements and Active Listening, open up some space by purging these three communication habits.

1. Transactional Statements.  Instead of asking for what you want with clear language, transactional statements or questions are attempts to Jedi your partner into doing your bidding.  You throw out a complaint or vague query, then wait for him to connect the dots, intuit your want and leap into action.  This  habit stems from self-esteem issues.  Deep down, we question our right to even have preferences and needs, let alone express them.  This drives our use of elaborate, sneaky ways for getting our needs met, which usually backfire.

Instead of this:  “It’s soooo hot in here.  Aren’t you hot?!”
Try this:  “I’m burning up, and have my hands full with the baby.  Will you please lower the temperature?”

2.  Globalizing.  Any negative feedback you give your partner starting with “you always,” or “you never,” is destined to bounce off a wall of defensiveness and come back to smack you in the face.  Making generalizations about another person is a terrible motivator for change.  This habit stems from high stress levels, which can distort your perception of the frequency/lack of the behavior.  Globalizing causes her to feel invalidated, vilified and guarded.

Instead of this:  “You never appreciate what I do for you.  You always focus on what I’ve done wrong.”
Try this:  “When you forget to say ‘thank you,’ I feel unappreciated.  I love it when you compliment and tell me you value what I do.”

stern_baby

3.  Baby Talk.  Using goo-goo/gah-gah or feigned foreign accents is another strategy for fishing to get your needs met while keeping your true desires covert.  Because, if you’re denied, hey, it wasn’t really you who asked anyway, it was that faux-British, adult-sized infant.  No harm no foul!  This habit stems from a fear of rejection, and is most commonly used when initiating sex, which can feel like one of the riskiest wants to communicate.

Instead of this:  “Will you pwease wub my backy-back?”
Try this:  “I want you to administer your technique.  Right.  Now.”  That’s more of a command.  But maybe that’s just fine.
Try this again: “Will you please give me one of your amazing back rubs?”

Do these tips seem impossible to implement?  Are you and your partner caught in a Transactionally Globalized Baby-Talking Labyrinth from which you can see no escape?  This could mean there’s some deeper emotional work to do.  Reach out for help if you need to – the payoff for stronger, clearer communication is so worth it.

Here’s to Sanity and Brits,

Cheryl

Improving communication strategies

On Prenatal Pregnancy Massage :: Wednesday Wisdom

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Massage Therapist and Birth Journey Facilitator

Luna Wood

 

Meet Luna Wood.  Luna is a Nationally Licensed Massage Therapist and Birth Journey Facilitator with over 20 years of experience.  She trained through DONA (Doulas of North America) and ALACE (Association of Labor Assistants & Childbirth Educators), and is currently a Certified Massage Doula graduating from the advanced six month Massage Doula program at the Star Institute. She has taught various programs at the Star Institute & Austin School of Massage and has 13 years of experience as an instructor specializing in pregnancy and childbirth. She currently has a thriving practice at South Congress Massage.  If I’d known Luna during my pregnancies, you couldn’t have pried me off her massage table.  She is a gifted, genuine, vibrant woman, and we are honored to feature her wisdom!

BPP: You were a doula for years, and then transitioned to massage therapy.  What drew you to changing your career direction?

LW: I LOVE attending births and I still attend 1-2 a year, however, it has become a challenge to be on call around the clock.  My son is 13, and he is involved in many extra-curricular activities.  I also love to travel, and when you attend births you are unable to do so.  As a busy parent, I find massage easier to schedule, and my day is over earlier, so I can have quality family time.  I also find massage to be relaxing for me as a practitioner.  Every session is a meditation for me.  I get to focus on that person and be completely in the moment.  When I’m on vacation I miss the ritual of my massage practice.  It’s a wonderful way to pace my day and really connect with people in a healing space.

Prenatal massage therapy reduces stress

BPP:  Describe what a pregnant mom would experience in a prenatal massage.

LW:  Prenatal massage is so relaxing for mama and baby.  I treat it as two people who want to be in harmony together.  Massaging pregnant women is my favorite because moms are so open to education and feedback, and sometimes just need a listening ear.  I feel privileged to work with pregnant women. Prenatal massage is so important for the mother’s circulatory system, adrenals, hormones and joints, but equally as important for emotional and spiritual connection.  It’s my goal to help the pregnant mama and baby leave my studio feeling fully nurtured and supported mentally, physically and spiritually.

BPP:  What do you focus on when providing massage to a brand new mom?

LW:  Many times new moms need education and information.  Most of the time, I find they need an open ear to LISTEN.  First time mothers are saturated with information from the internet.  Information overload is not helpful.  Many times we just need to process the journey of pregnancy and parenting.  I ask my clients to read books with interesting pregnancy stories or ask them to do artwork, or go hang out in nature.  The brain needs a break so we can be fully present with our growing babies.

BPP:  As a parent, how have you personally worked to obtain good work and personal life balance?

LW:  I receive massages or another form of bodywork at least once a week.  When I was pregnant with my son 13 years ago I was attending births and practicing massage.  I was forced to slow down when my blood pressure rose from doing too much.  I learned a valuable lesson about self care.  Being pregnant made me more aware of the foods I was eating, and helped me make sure I rested well.  I also practiced prenatal yoga and swam at Deep Eddy Pool everyday.  When my son was born, I made an agreement with myself that I would not go longer than a month without receiving massage or other types of bodywork, and I’ve stuck to it.  Massage is not a form of pampering.  It is preventative care.

BPP:  What benefits could dads/parenting partners get from massage?

LW:  I always remind dads and partners that they are pregnant too!  Just because they are not physically carrying the baby, they ARE carrying the baby energetically and emotionally.  Fathers/partners feel lots of financial and emotional pressures when their partner is expecting.  They nest and prepare just like their partner.  It is important that they receive self care as well.  They don’t want to work and burn out before the baby even gets here.  They need to show up to childbirth and baby care classes, not to mention the birth, with a full tank.  Partners need to model self care, because they will be going through sleep deprivation, fastening car seats and changing diapers soon enough.  Self care should be a good habit that gets started from the beginning of the pregnancy, because once the first child is born, time is such a luxury!   If you make your appointments for massage, take your hot baths, or go for a run regularly it will be easier to keep your good habits once the baby is here.

BPP:  What is your favorite part of working with expectant moms?

LW:  I love that moms do their homework.  What does this mean?  If you ask them to do a breath work technique, drink lots of water, practice some pelvic rocks, sit on the exercise ball, work with visualization, and get massage and bodywork, they actually do it!  They are wonderful clients because they are not only looking out for their best interest but alsol the interest of the baby.  I also love working with babies.  It’s like doing infant massage before they are even born.  I turn the mom on her left side, then her right, and by the time I get to the belly the baby is usually all nestled in and relaxed.  Sometimes if I’m lucky, I will feel a little kick or nudge of enjoyment.  This gives me great joy to share such a beautiful experience with this new soul.  I’m not thinking about my grocery list or what I did yesterday.  I’m RIGHT THERE IN THAT MOMENT!  There is nothing else quite like that moment with that little one and her mama.

BPP:  In your experience, what mental/emotional blocks do expectant moms have to self-care (such as regular massage therapy), and what is your response to those blocks?

LW:  What I find most about moms is that they feel guilty for taking time or money for self care (massage, acupuncture,  yoga class, nutritional support).  I often hear that massage is a luxury, and I often reply, ” No, it’s preventative medicine and it would be wonderful if our health care paid for it!”  In our culture it’s ok to spend money on a new haircut, highlights or a pedicure, but not on our body and health.

Time also becomes a luxury in a growing family.  We can not be sane parents without some time for ourselves. It is imperative that we create this in our lives.  Even as a single parent, I made time to have self care while my son’s godmother was at my home or when he was in preschool.  As moms we have to put ourselves first because no one else is going to.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to new parents, what would it be?

LW:  Take naps, get massages, do yoga (even if it’s only 5 min on the floor) and take some time to meditate.  I have made a point to take at least five minutes of meditation before I get out of bed in the morning and jump into my day.  Good habits will take you a long way and keep you sane.

Thank you, Luna, for your hands-on support and nurturing for babies and moms.  We appreciate your loving work, and your firm stance on massage being a preventative health benefit, not a luxury.  That’s how we feel about all forms of self-care!

C & K ♥

Playing With Fire – Relationship Damage Control :: Monday Musing

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My ex-husband J and I are both therapists.  We used to joke that we met in group therapy, because we were both taking a graduate class on the subject when we started dating.  When people hear this, they often laugh nervously and ask, “So… do you two sit around and analyze each other?”  Naturally.  While being married to another therapist had its intense moments, one benefit was finally figuring out what was happening to us during conflict, and learning from our destructive patterns.  We had the same fight, on repeat, with slight detail fluctuations.  The root of it was our difficulty trusting that we were completely emotionally safe with each other.

J and I both had our share of crappy relationships.  We entered our marriage with some baggage, which got triggered almost every time we fought.  When we had intense conflict, my irrational fear was, “He doesn’t really care about my feelings, and is on his way out.”  His was, “She doesn’t respect me, and she is purposefully trying to hurt me.”  When you make these kinds of assumptions emotionally, your thoughts and reactions (body language, words and tone of voice) follow, and the storm swells.  Forget about what started the argument.  Whose turn it was to diaper the baby, do the dishes, or make the grocery run no longer matters.  You are on the defense and incapable of rational thought, and whatever root fuels your arguments will be driving.

Before I proceed, can we agree on something?  Aside from keeping them alive, the best gift you can give your children is your personal sanity, and if you have a partner, an example of a mutually respectful, loving relationship.  Here are some thoughts on how to do that.

Work on Fire Prevention.  Psychotherapist Kelly McDaniel says that in healthy relationships, partners recognize that their union is, in part, for the purpose of healing.  This is beautiful.  It involves understanding how your past experiences and pain influence your expectations and behavior in your current relationships.  Safe, healthy relationships give you the space to air out the baggage, and support each other in moving on, so you can fully enjoy the goodness right in front of you.  I like the assumption that your junk from the past will come up, but with mutual love and support, you can help each other evolve.

Practicing kindness toward each other is a great way to convey love and prevent intense conflict.  Here are two takes on kindness that stick with and recenter me:

  1. Carl Sagan described a way to categorize all of our choices, actions and reactions – they can either further compassion, or further aggression. That’s pretty clear.
  2. In his book The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman encourages couples to treat each other with the same kindness and respect they would an honored guest in their home.  In this scenario, little room remains for bitter sarcasm, snapping or cheap shots.

Healthy conflict resolution

Create a Fire Escape.  So, that’s all lovely.  But the truth is, we’re human, and in certain circumstances (such as those brought on by the sweet chaos of a new baby) we possess the emotional intelligence of, I don’t know, squirrels?  They’re nuts.  Sometimes I have an old man sense of humor.   Couples find themselves at a fever pitch in fights, and after receiving and inflicting pretty serious verbal wounds, drag themselves into my office.  I’ve been there too.  If your house is on fire, you don’t stand in the heat and smoke and try to resolve “issues.”  You just get the hell out.  Later, when it’s safe, you can go back in and figure out how to repair.  Here’s where the need for a Fire Escape comes in:  in an intense fight, recognize it’s time to take a cool down, and give each other physical/emotional space until you’re ready to rationally resolve the issue.

Plan the terms of your fire escape when you’re calm, not during an argument.  It can take many different forms.  Sometimes simply going into separate rooms and focusing on slowing down your breathing for a few minutes is all it takes.  For J and I, when either of us sensed we were losing our grip, we’d call a time out.  He would go outside, and I would stay inside, giving him space to cool off, reminding myself that we’d eventually work it out.  This time apart can be excruciating, but it’s better than saying things you can’t take back.  Remember that you both want resolution and to feel close again, but you need a moment to cool down if that’s to happen without damage.  If you take a breather and still don’t feel ready to reconnect, like Kirsten says, it’s okay to go to bed angry and try again after some sleep.

Even if the dynamic in your relationship changes through separation or divorce, it’s never too late to improve your communication and esteem for each other (more advice on this from an awesome single dad we know, Terry Cox.)  J is still one of my best friends, even though we went through a painful split.  We work hard to put our egos aside and show respect for each other, giving our kids a healthy, loving friendship between their parents.  We’re not perfect and get it very wrong sometimes, but conflict recovery is easier when we remind ourselves that we’re in good, safe hands with each other.  I hope you have that peace of mind in your relationships, because you deserve it.  Anyone who would tell you otherwise can eff off.

Here’s to Sanity and Squirrels,

Cheryl

Cheryl Sipkowski, MS, LPC

 

Fast Times Marinara :: Friday Foodie

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fast-marinara

No jar can beat you.  You are invincible.  Your marinara will make people laugh and cry and wonder who they really are.  I’ve had 2 cups of coffee.  This easy, vibrant sauce is a staple in my kitchen, and is worth the extra work to prepare from scratch.  Why?  Most pre-made pasta sauces have added sugar.  Get used to making your own, go back for a taste of pre-made, and you’ll detect the sweetness immediately.  I’d rather get my sugar from a cold IPA and a gigantic brownie topped with 85% dark chocolate ganache and a cherry-port reduction, wouldn’t you?  I’ve showcased the marinara’s beauty topped with grated parmesan over thinly sliced, sautéed zucchini.  It’s also perfect with pasta, spaghetti squash, or as a simmering sauce for halibut.  If you prefer a meaty sauce, add browned ground bison or Italian sausage.  I double the batch, freezing it up for future deliciousness.

Ingredients:

  • 2 tablespoons olive oil
  • 1 medium onion, chopped
  • 2 cloves fresh garlic, halved length-wise and thinly sliced
  • 2 28 ounce cans San Marzano Italian whole plum tomatoes
  • 1/2 cup loosely packed, chopped fresh flat Italian parsley or basil leaves
  • 2 teaspoons kosher salt

Technique:

Heat a large skillet over medium heat.  Add the olive oil, and when it’s shimmering, add the onion.  Breathe in that divine smell, and you’ll be shimmering too.  Sauté until the onion softens and is transparent.  Add the garlic and sauté about 3-5 minutes more.

(Want softer hands?  Before this next step, rub those hard-working beauties with some coconut oil and slip on a pair of surgical gloves.  To protect your skin, keep a box of gloves handy for preparing meat, peppers, or in this case, acidic foods.)

Pour in the juice from the tomato cans, then use your fingers to carefully break the tomatoes into pieces and drop them into the skillet.  Add the salt, and simmer the sauce for about 20 minutes, stirring occasionally until it’s thickened a bit.  Add the parsley or basil, and simmer about 5 minutes more.  Know what?  It’s ready.  Just like that.

Cheryl’s Tips:

I don’t have extra tips for this recipe, because it’s that simple and elegant.  I’ll use this space to tell you you’re doing an amazing job as a person.  If you’re reading this recipe, you at least have an interest in cooking, which is creative, which means you’re reaching for something beyond the ordinary, which makes me like you.

Here’s To Sanity and 85% Dark Chocolate,

Cheryl

Cheryl Sipkowski, MS, LPC

Take A Breather :: Tuesday Tip

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Cheryl and I perfected the art of “leaning in” long before Sheryl Sanberg coined the phrase.  With newborns on our laps, we would lean in real close and pick the brain of any experienced parent we could find, in order to get pointers and advice on how to raise these crying little creatures.  Our friend, Mandy, was, and continues to be, a favorite lean-to source for parenting tips and wisdom.  (Yes, the same Mandy behind our yummy meatball recipe and the same Mandy whom we will probably refer to 100 times over in this blog.)  She was the first in our group of friends to have a baby. But more importantly, she is from Oklahoma… and people from Oklahoma just seem to radiate this rock solid, old-soul kind of vibe.  It’s like they have compost running through their veins and wide-open plains occupying their uncluttered minds.

Vintage pic of an Oklahoman mom.

An Oklahoman mom with compost in her veins.

One afternoon while I was soaking up some of Mandy’s earthy wisdom, she began telling me stories about her Grandma Pat who raised five boys and one girl in a small Oklahoma town.  “I was visiting with Grandma Pat one day,” Mandy shared, “And I said to her, ‘Grandma… you had six babies by the age of 30.  I only have one and my head is spinning!  How in the world did you manage?!’”

At this point in the conversation, I leaned in so far, I almost fell over into Mandy’s lap.  I just knew that I was about to be on the receiving end of some amazing Oklahoma-bred parenting wisdom.  If there had been a legal pad in my diaper bag, I probably would have whipped it out and started jotting down notes.  But instead I just leaned forward and listened intently.

Mandy continued with her story, “My grandma replied, ‘Mandy…all these years folks have given me a hard time about my smoking…but I can tell you this…people sometimes lose it with their kids…but I never harmed a one of them.’”

Oh…

Grandma Pat smoked.

Mandy went on to explain that books were also a great escape for her grandma, and that she could still picture her sitting at the kitchen bar, sipping iced tea, absorbed in a great novel. But at this point in the conversation, I was stuck on the cigarette thing. And for the next five minutes, I strongly considered taking up smoking.

After coming to my senses, I realized that it wasn’t the cigarettes that saved Mandy’s grandma from parenting overload.  (In fact, Mandy explained to me that smoking seriously harmed her grandma’s health in the end.)  It was Grandma Pat’s ability to take breaks and breathers that helped her to raise those six kids.  And she encouraged Mandy to do the same.

Breathers are essential for new and experienced parents alike.  Grandma Pat got that one right.  Regardless of how much you adore your little one, and regardless of how old that little one is, you will find the need for sanity breaks.  These breathers look different for every one. One of my friends said that she would grab a magazine, announce that she needed to use the restroom, and maybe take a little more time than needed.  Another friend would uncharacteristically volunteer to fill the car up with gas or walk the dog, anything to get out for a few minutes.  When my own kids were ready to run errands with dad, my favorite breather involved sending my family out for a short adventure.  I was left with a quiet house in which I could wash dishes and clear clutter in complete peace.  Ahhh… heaven.

As your kids migrate through the toddler, preschooler and elementary stages, you will find that the need for breathers does not go away.  And at times, you may find that it is impossible to get away.  Here are some ideas for finding peace in those crazy-making moments:

  • 5-5-5 Breathing: Inhale for five seconds, hold in your breath for five seconds, and then exhale for five seconds.  Do this five times in a row.  This exercise naturally slows your breathing, quiets your mind and calms the natural fight-or-flight reflex that accompanies stress.  And you can do this anywhere, any time.
  • Trip to Tahiti: A holistic pharmacist that we know, Beth Shirley (or The Best Shirley, as we affectionately call her) taught us this trick.  Lay on your back with your calves up on the couch for 15 minutes.  Listen to relaxing music or just breathe.  Inverting your body and letting the blood rush to your head will have a relaxing effect and give you a boost to continue your day.
  • Recorded Relaxation: Download a free 10 min guided relaxation or a brief yoga class.  Even if you can’t sneak away to the gym or yoga studio, you can bring the mellowing benefits into your home, often for a very low price.

hammock

Find a breather that works for you, and don’t feel guilty about it.  My friends and I are known to treat ourselves to a glass (or two) of wine and a long gab session.  Other times we may briefly lose ourselves in a book and a cup of coffee.  Whether you have six kids like Grandma Pat or one six-week-old baby, it is important to give yourself these tiny mental retreats.  You can mark that down as Oklahoma parenting wisdom at its finest.

Here’s to sanity and compost,

Kirsten

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Climbing Out Of The Darkness :: Wednesday Wisdom

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adriane headshot

Meet A’Driane Nieves.  She is a Postpartum Depression and Anxiety survivor who writes about navigating the nuances of motherhood and Bipolar Disorder Type 2.  A’Driane is also a USAF disabled veteran, writer and artist best known for her love of Prince (He re-tweeted her once!), and her hot pink streaked afro.  You can read her mind at her blog Butterfly-Confessions.com, and read her random thoughts on Twitter (@addyeB). She was most recently named one of BlogHer’s Voices of the Year for 2014. She lives in Austin, Texas with her futurist husband and three boys.

BPP: You have written extensively and beautifully about your battle with post-partum depression.  Can you briefly share what living with PPD was like for you?

AD: For me, living with PPD was like living in a dark room that you’re constantly stumbling around in, trying to find a light switch. At the same time, I felt like I was sitting atop a speeding train and had no idea where I was headed. It was a very unsettling and dark period in my life. It was like someone came in and robbed me of myself, of my being, and left nothing but this shell of a person. I felt lost. Very, very lost.

BPP: How did you recognize that your symptoms were more than the average “baby blues”?

AD:  I knew something was wrong when my son (now four years old) was around three months old.  He had moderate reflux during those early months and constantly wanted to be held.  His crying was very triggering for me.  He would cry and I would immediately break out into a sweat. My thoughts would become scattered, my heart would race, my body would tense up and I’d think about running away. On top of anxiety, I also experienced rage and deep wells of depression once the rage would dissipate. The rage was scary –  it was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. It would come on unexpectedly, usually triggered by something as minor as my older son spilling something. It was so intense, I’d be shaking. I did a lot of screaming, which I still carry a lot of shame about.  I spent a lot of time hiding in the bathroom, crying, consumed with guilt and wondering why I couldn’t enjoy my children.  When I was at my worst, I felt completely overwhelmed and incapable of being a “good” mother. I had intrusive thoughts – scary thoughts would flash through my mind while I was driving, cooking or bathing my kids. I dreaded each day, having to talk to people and even having to hold my son.  There were days I was so “touched out”, holding him or having my oldest give me a hug would make my skin crawl.  It was awful.  Truly awful.  It was hell.  I felt so lost.  Had no idea what was happening to me.

BPP: What helped you to  finally “climb out of the darkness” and overcome your PPD?

AD: When my son was ten months old, I remember being so consumed with sadness for two weeks that I was suicidal.  It was January 2011.  I remember sitting down in my closet one night after my kids had finally gone to bed, closing the door and I just lost it right there, not understanding what was wrong with me, and wanting relief from it.  I had heard of Postpartum Depression but I didn’t really know much about it – I knew of no other women in my life who had it, and my OB didn’t discuss it with me.  When I had mentioned at my six week visit I felt “off” he said it was normal, just hormones, and wrote me a prescription for an anti-depressant (if I felt I needed to use it).  That was it.  So I Googled some of my symptoms and the first site that came up in the search results was Postpartum Progress. I read the “Plain Mama English” guides on what PPD and other postpartum-related mental illnesses were and finally felt like I had an idea as to what I had been experiencing. I emailed Katherine Stone (the founder) and the next day, she responded, reassuring me that I would be OK, I wasn’t a bad mother and that what I had was treatable – I just needed to seek help.  She directed me to the Postpartum Stress Center in Rosemont, PA, and that’s where I began treatment.  Saved my life.  What also helped during my recovery was finding #PPDChat on Twitter, run by Lauren Hale of My Postpartum Voice.  It’s a weekly chat on Twitter that offers peer support from other women who are still struggling and those who are survivors.

BPP: Can you share more about Post-Partum Progress and it’s mission?

AD: Postpartum Progress is a nonprofit laser focused on improving maternal mental health by increasing awareness of  perinatal mood and anxiety disorders like PPD and giving mothers tools that connect them to the help they need.  Postpartum Progress is all about ensuring mothers know the facts on perinatal mental illness, encouraging them to seek treatment as soon as possible, and eliminating the stigma surrounding these illnesses that keep so many women silent and untreated every year.  They empower moms to care for their mental health, which in turn helps their families have the strongest start possible.  It is now known that 1 in 7 mothers experiences a perinatal mental illness like PPD – it is the most common complication of childbirth, impacting over 1 million women every year in just the US alone. Yet only 15% of those impacted receive adequate treatment, so that means more than half a million women are going untreated every year.  Research shows that untreated depression in mothers has a long-term impact on their children’s development, which really makes this not just a women’s health issue but a children’s health issue as well.  The good news is that perinatal mental illnesses are treatable!  Postpartum Progress works hard to create outreach and support programs that help mothers as they work toward recovery.  The community Katherine has built over the last 10 years through Postpartum Progress is just amazing – I’ve never met a braver or more authentic community of women.  So supportive and committed to changing the conversation about mental health and effecting change.  Katherine calls women who suffer from perinatal mental illnesses Warrior Moms, and the Warrior Mom Army is FIERCE.

BPP: How are you currently advocating for PPD awareness and outreach?

AD: Right now most of my advocacy revolves around helping Postpartum Progress in any way I can.  I’m on the editorial team for the blog.  I participated in this year’s Mother’s Day Rally for Moms, an annual event Postpartum Progress holds on the blog every year to encourage pregnant and new moms who are suffering and working their way to recovery.  I’m heavily involved with fundraising for Postpartum Progress through its annual fundraising & awareness event called Climb Out of the Darkness.  On June 21st, the longest day of the year, Warrior Moms all over the world will be climbing, walking, and hiking to represent our rising out of the darkness of PPD and related illness and into the light and hope of recovery.  It is the world’s largest event raising awareness of postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety and OCD, postpartum PTSD, postpartum psychosis, postpartum bipolar disorder and depression and anxiety during pregnancy.  I’m also co-chairing the upcoming Warrior Mom Conference which is taking place next summer in Boston.  We’ll be getting together with moms from all over the country to celebrate recovery and get skills training on how to better advocate for maternal mental health in our own communities.  On a smaller scale, I do what I can to help destigmatize ALL mental illness by sharing from my personal experience on my blog and other social media.

BPP:  Can you share some common misconceptions about PPD?

AD: I think one of the biggest misconceptions about PPD is that if you have it, you’re just sad all the time, which isn’t the case for so many women I know. There’s a wide range of symptoms that women can experience based on what type of illness they are suffering from that are very rarely discussed. I mentioned rage eariler – no one ever told me that rage was a symptom of depression, or that noises like an infant crying could trigger an anxiety or panic attack. The other big misconception is that if you just do all the “right” things – eat right, exercise, adopt a certain parenting lifestyle, etc., you will avoid developing PPD, and that it’s something you can just get rid of on your own.  PPD and related illnesses don’t discriminate.  In fact, most women have their first depressive episode in the first year postpartum.  And PPD doesn’t just go away when it’s left untreated.  As I mentioned before it can have a long-term impact on the health of mothers and their babies if never treated properly.

BPP: What is your life like now as a mother?

AD: Life as a mother now is…chaotic but manageable! I have three boys now – a 7, 4, and 6 mo and life is super busy. There are hard days and moments where I’m overwhelmed but I’m grateful to have a treatment plan that works for me, and a solid support system that includes fellow Warrior Moms.  (They seriously are the freaking best.)  My bond with all three of my children (even the one I had PPD with) is rock solid.  My postpartum experience with my 6mo has been the complete opposite of what I experienced 4 years ago.  Having support, and being aware really does make all the difference. I love being a mom now. I don’t dread it like I did during those dark days.

BPP:  You are a seasoned and well-known blogger. Can you talk about how writing has helped you in your battle with a mood-disorder?

AD: I’ve always been a writer but I started my blog as a way to help me just brain dump all that I had going on four years ago.  Writing has always helped me process what I’m wrestling my way through, and my blog has definitely helped me navigate the ups and downs of motherhood and mental illness.  It’s given me a safe place to go to, you know?  It’s the one place I know I can go and just be completely vulnerable, sharing whatever it is that comes out when I start typing on the keyboard.  It gives me insight into myself, and helps me articulate something that I might be having a hard time explaining out loud to someone like my husband or psychiatrist. I t also helps me feel less alone.  People will read and comment, and say, “Hey, me too,” and that helps me keep fighting on the hard days.  Even when no one reads and there aren’t any comments, just having that space to say what I need to is crucial.  My hope is that by being completely honest and vulnerable there, I can leave an archive that my boys can read when they’re older.  They might want to understand who I was as a person living with mental illness, a woman and their mother.

BPP: What advice would you give to any new mother (or father) who feels like they are sinking emotionally after bringing a baby into their life?

AD: You are not alone.  You are not “crazy”.  You are not a bad parent for feeling the way you do, and it’s not your fault you feel this way.  You are loved and worthy and the very best parent for your child.  Be honest with yourself about what you’re experiencing.  Seek professional help.  Be your own advocate-fight for yourself like you would for your child or even for yourself if you had a physical illness like cancer.  Find support groups both online and off.  Let others help you.  It gets better.  It really does.  It did for me.

A’Driane, thank you, thank you for sharing your story with us and for advocating so passionately for other parents who struggle with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. Your dedication and transparency are true gifts to other new mothers and fathers. – C & K ♥

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Want to contribute to Team Austin’s Climb Out of the Darkness Fundraiser? https://www.crowdrise.com/addyeB-COTD2014/fundraiser/addyeB

Want to read more about A’Driane? Check out her blog:  http://butterfly-confessions.com/

Want to learn more about Postpartum Progress?  http://www.postpartumprogress.com/about

Read Katherine Stone’s Call to Action on National Healthy Babies Healthy Mother’s Coalition’s site for their “May Campaign” initiative during Maternal Mental Health Week (this week!): http://www.hmhb.org/2014/05/maternal-mental-health-call-to-action/

How Infertility Prepared Me for Parenthood :: Monday Musing

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It took me a long time to get pregnant. Approximately four years, from the time I first thought, Hmmm. I might be ready for a baby, to the morning I saw those two pink lines miraculously show up on the pregnancy test.

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It was a journey that began gradually and naively for my husband and me; I simply tossed the rectangular box of tiny white pills in the trash one day and confidently waited for my body to do its thing. As the months and years passed, and no pregnancy appeared, my yearning grew stronger. I consulted with acupuncturists, fertility specialists and the most vociferous expert of all, The Internet.  In the end, I can’t really tell you the exact combination of diet changes and fertility magic that caused us to conceive a child. What I can say is that those four years of infertility prepared me for the Adventure of Parenthood in six very specific ways:

1. The best laid plans…
When my husband and I first gave ourselves the green light to get pregnant it was because the “timing was right”. We lived in a great neighborhood, we were established in our careers and we had individually attended enough Margarita Parties to satisfy a lifetime quota of tequila. My hubby was quite a bit older than me, and we were both ready to settle down and do the family thing. We had no idea that this “thing” would take four years and that it didn’t matter how “ready” we were. Our bodies would cooperate in their own time.

Parenting App: How many times do parents plan out the perfect day, only to be foiled by a runny nose, sore throat or volcanic tantrum? When you’re a parent, it is wise to mark the calendar, make the plans, but be prepared to break them and go with the flow at a moment’s notice.

2. You’re surrounded.
Have you ever purchased a new car and suddenly you start noticing the same make and model everywhere you go? That is what it is like when you are trying to get pregnant. There are friggin’ babies everywhere. Women pregnant with babies. Men holding babies. Parents loving on their babies (with little angels and birdies surrounding them). It feels like the entire universe is sticking out its tongue and taunting, “Nah, nah, nah, nah… you aren’t pregnant.” Even your co-worker’s cousin’s wife is expecting… and you aren’t. I gradually learned to tune out the baby-white-noise, and reassure myself that it would happen in its own time. After all, I reminded myself, I am defined by much more than my desire to conceive.

Parenting App: After you have a little one, you will continue to find yourself surrounded by other parents and their cherubic babes. Resist the urge to make comparisons (i.e. whether your baby is snoozing, walking or talking at the same rate as the others). Every child’s journey is unique and the comparisons are fruitless. They all tend to catch up to each other in the end.

3. Everyone is an expert.
Most of the people who knew I was trying to get pregnant had well-intentioned words of wisdom to share. They had heard of a specialist who could help. They knew something I should cut out from my diet. They had struggled with infertility themselves and they just felt sure it was going to happen for me. I regretted telling so many people that we were trying. Can’t we just go back to discussing my awesome new wedges or the great movie we saw last weekend? I had to learn to take their advice gracefully and then remind myself that my body is unique and I know it better than anyone else.

Parenting App: If you think everyone has opinions about fertility, just wait until you have a baby. Have child in arms, and everyone loves to give their child-rearing advice. As Cheryl advises in Pimp My Self Care, absorb the pointers that feel like a fit and then custom design your own parenting protocols.

4. It’s never going to happen.
During the four years that my husband and I were trying, I swear that I funded an entire pregnancy test industry. I bought them in bulk and I grew to despise them. Peeing on a stick was unpleasant enough, but seeing that I was not pregnant, yet again, was devastating. I felt all hope and belief that I was going to be a mother slipping away.  Looking back, I now recognize that the creeping pessimism was unfounded. There was so much more that my husband and I could have done to have a child: fertility treatments, surrogacy, adoption. Yes, I would have grieved if I couldn’t conceive naturally, but the options were endless if I truly wanted to be a parent.

Parenting App: When you are raising babies, the word “never” will sneak in frequently: I’ll never get a full night’s sleep again. He’ll never go a day without an accident. We’ll never get through a week without vomit or snot or pee. Those ‘nevers’ can feel daunting. I promise you that the nevers transition into sometimes and then into always. Keep your eye on the prize – it’s right around the corner.

5. Chill out.
OK, I have to skip back to #3 on this one. One of the most popular bits of advice I received when I was trying to conceive was, “Just relax. You’ll get pregnant when you aren’t worrying about it.”  I hate to admit it (and I HATED this advice) but they were right. When I began enjoying my life again… dancing, frolicking, partying like it’s 1999, it happened. I saw those two lines on that little test and could hardly believe my eyes. Yes, I had taken other measures: cut out sugar and dairy, started natural progesterone cream, endured a diagnostic procedure that painfully blasted blue ink through my fallopian tubes. But I feel sure that chilling out a little and tuning into other segments of my life helped my body to ease into motherhood.

Parenting App: It is natural to feel uptight and want to do everything just right when you are a parent. When you loosen your grip and recognize that your children benefit from variety and imperfections, both you and your kids will enjoy life a little more.

6. Love, love, love…
I’m channeling the Beatles here. But I couldn’t have said it any better myself. At the end of any infertility journey is a leap from a high-dive platform into pure, unadulterated love. I have friends who have had unexpected pregnancies, friends who have undergone extensive fertility treatments, and friends who have ultimately adopted. And when we gather together with our kids, there is no sliver of a difference in the love that each of us feel for our children.

Worth the four year wait.

Worth the four year wait.

If your desire to become a parent is strong enough, you will find a way to make it happen. And when you do, you will feel the most unrelinquishing love (and sometimes unrelinquishing fatigue and frustration) that you have ever experienced in your life. Everyone’s path to parenthood is unique but in the end, you get to hold a beautiful child, and the journey that brought you to that place will make the most perfect sense.

Here’s to Margarita Parties and Love,

Kirsten

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Not Quite Right :: Mother’s Day Moment

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We’ve all seen those kids – their hair looks like it was accidentally dipped into a paper shredder and you just know that they found the craft scissors and decided to give themselves a trim. That was my sister and me growing up. Our hair was as uneven and tragic as Billy Idol’s shag in the early-80’s. Minus the coolness factor.

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Only thing is, my sister and I hadn’t touched the scissors. My mother was the one who did the hair cutting in our home, and try as she might, our hair always looked like it was trimmed by Edward Scissorhands on crack. There were plenty of things she did beautifully. She sewed us handmade clothes. Took us on adventures of all kinds. She was creative, vibrant and… slightly odd. Cutting bangs was just one of the things she sort of missed the mark on.

My mom grew up in a house with a thatched straw roof in the African nation of Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe). She went to bed at night watching critters crawl around her ceiling and woke up to screaming monkeys outside her windows.  After moving to the States, she made a whole-hearted attempt to morph into an American housewife. But honestly… she never really got the hang of it.

When the neighbors were making spaghetti and meatballs, my mom cooked up liver and onions or yellow curry. She left our house doors wide-open and unlocked at all times. We had soles as tough as rawhide due to running around without shoes and our untethered dogs roamed our suburban neighborhood. We lived a rather bohemian life in our rather vanilla community, and my sister and I silently lamented that our family wasn’t quite like the ones surrounding us.

When I became pregnant and entered motherhood myself, I began to play the Not Quite Right game with myself. I scolded myself for eating too much Taco Bell and not enough fish oil during pregnancy. I felt guilty for not giving my new baby just the right amount of tummy time or veggies in his rice cereal. Oops! I hadn’t exposed him to ANY classical music. And sleep training… I was running far too late to correctly embark on that adventure.

Ugh, I guiltily thought, I’m not doing things quite right.

It was one afternoon, when my sister and I were sorting through our childhood memories over an inspiration-inducing glass of red wine, that I had one of those ah-ha moments (insert clouds parting and angels singing). The normal or appropriate activities that occurred in my childhood were not really the stand outs; they didn’t shape the person I am today. It was actually the not quite right events that fueled my values and made me snort with laughter whenever I remembered them.

As my sis and I chatted, I remembered the swinging-from-the-ceiling neighborhood parties and impromptu parades my mom used to throw together effortlessly. For one of those parades, I remembered her using tin-foil wrapped boxes to transform me into the Tin Man from Wizard of Oz, and me subsequently being dragged to the ground by Toto (aka our little, scruffy dog, Flea Flea).

Tin Man

And I remembered our old, creepy, white Ford van that whistled as it rattled down the freeway, hence earning it the nickname, Whistling Wilbur. My mom would step on Wilbur’s gas pedal with all of her weight when we approached a particularly high hill near our house. We kids would all pretend to push the struggling van with our little hands, giving it that extra bit of gusto. And when Wilbur crested the top of the hill at full speed, and our little bodies flew up and hit the ceiling, we would let out a whooping cheer. Wheeeeeee!

Did I mention that car seats hadn’t been invented yet?

I don’t remember the vitamins, books, or matching cotton pajamas that colored our everyday existence. Instead, I remember the adventures and craziness that surrounded our lives. And for this, I feel immense gratitude toward my mom.

As I move forward with my two boys, I’m trying to be less concerned with getting things just right and more concerned with giving them memories and cool experiences that will last a lifetime. I find myself singing the anthem that my mom used to belt out to us:

We’re off to see the Wild West show,
The elephants and the kangaroos,
Never mind the weather,
As long as we’re together,
We’re off to see the Wild West show.

As long as we’re together, I remind myself, it really is ok if I don’t always get things quite right. In fact, maybe our lives are just right… just the way they are.

Here’s to Sanity and Imperfection,

Kirsten

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Blistered Shishito Peppers with Garlic Aioli :: Friday Foodie

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Before we begin, try saying their perfect name out loud: shi-SHEE-toes.  Isn’t that lovely?  A farmer at my favorite market recommended these perfect peppers, and I’ve been hooked ever since.  I’ve noticed several posh restaurants have added shishitos to their appetizer menus with a steep price tag.  Preparing them yourself is cheaper and way impressive as an appetizer or a side veggie (divide the aioli into tiny dipping bowls and serve a few peppers on each plate).  Risk Disclaimer:  most shishitos are mild with a tiny hint of sweet, but occasionally you’ll come across one that packs a little heat.  If your child is sensitive to spicy foods, sample each pepper before serving it to them, unless they’re like my pepper-belly son.  Given food with heat, he’ll accusatorially say, “Mom! Spicy!” while continuing to shovel in huge mouthfuls.  We have to monitor our margarita intake at Mexican restaurants so we can keep a close eye on him; once he slipped a drinking straw into the salsa bowl and guzzled it.  I think it’s genetic, as I am spicy food girl and have blown out my taste buds’ heat detection abilities.  If the menu has a million asterisks denoting the spiciness of a dish,  “Warning!  You probably shouldn’t order this!” then that’s what I’ll be having.  But don’t fear the shishito, and get ready to fall in love with the aioli.

Ingredients:

For the Aioli:

  • 1/2 cup mayonnaise
  • 1 clove garlic, finely minced
  • 1/2 teaspoon fresh lemon juice
  • 1/4 teaspoon Spike seasoning (optional, but delicious flavor without a bunch of gunk you can’t pronounce)
  • (If you don’t use Spike, add 1/8 teaspoon each of kosher salt and cayenne pepper)
  • 1/2 teaspoon Dijon mustard

For the Peppers:

  • 4 cups shishito peppers, washed with stems left on
  • 2 tablespoons macadamia nut, peanut or grape seed oil
  • 1 teaspoon coarse kosher salt

Technique:

For the Aioli:
Combine all the ingredients with a small whisk, and place in a small bowl for dipping.  I love it when things are this easy.

For the Peppers:
Heat a large skillet over medium-high, then add the oil.  When it’s shimmering, carefully add the shishitos, which will go crazy at first, making the hot oil pop.  Once they calm down, begin to stir-fry them with a wooden spoon, until you can see the skin start to whiten and then lightly brown in spots, about 7-10 minutes.  Add a tablespoon of water and turn the heat down to medium (this will steam and soften them to the perfect texture).  Continue stir-frying until the water completely evaporates, and the shishitos are slightly more pliable (about 3-5 minutes more).  Add the salt, stir a few more times to coat the peppers, then serve them on a platter next to your cute little bowl of aioli.  Allow to cool for a few minutes and then dive in, dipping each pepper and challenging yourself to eat them all the way to the stem in one perfect bite.

Cheryl’s Tips:

I recommend using a garlic press.  They’re quick, easy to clean, and make the flavor of the garlic even more potent.  When you’re using raw garlic in a dip or salsa, cut the cloves in half lengh-wise, and check for any little green shoots in the center (which can make your dishes taste bitter) before chopping or putting them through your press.  Use a small knife to dig out the shoots and compost them, or plant them to grow more!  I always use fresh garlic instead of the pre-minced jarred kind – I can’t imagine mass-producers carefully removing little green shoots.

The aioli.  Yum.  If you haven’t already eaten the leftovers with a spoon, it will keep refrigerated for up to two weeks.  It’s divine on sandwiches, eggs, roasted chicken, as a dip for raw veggies, or my favorite use:  atop pan-seared salmon.  I often double the recipe, keeping it on hand as a condiment.

Shishito it up, ya’ll.

Here’s to Sanity and Pepper-Bellies,

Cheryl

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