co-parenting | baby proofed parents

8 Things to Say to Your Partner That Will Make You a Happier Couple

August 23, 2017 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

We say a massive amount of words every day – on average 15,000. Many of those words are the same ones we said the day before, and the day before that. When you’re co-parenting, your communication with your partner becomes even more repetitive and business-like. Why? Because you are running a baby-raising, household-managing, food-serving business together.

Who’s handling bath tonight?

Please turn on the baby monitor when you go upstairs.

I forgot to grab bananas at the store. Do you mind picking some up?

OMG, <insert child’s name> was fussy today.

What should we have for dinner tonight?

In the midst of all of this business-like chatter, the small niceties are known to get lost. New parents are often exhausted and grumpy, so the words are more likely to be testy or blaming. Let me tell you, my husband and I have had many a day when our words were more negative than positive.

In my work with couples, and in my own marriage, I’ve found that making a concerted effort to add in positive words and phrases can make a gigantic difference in the tone and feel you are setting in your home. In fact, research by John Gottman indicates that solid, happy couples counterbalance every 1 negative interaction with 5 positive interactions. The point? You are going to be grumpy or curt at times. Just make sure that you are overpowering the negative with positive.

Here are seven phrases that I encourage couples to integrate into their daily vocabulary whenever possible:

1. Thank you

Of course you say Thank You, but do you say it enough? I encourage couples to show gratitude for all the little things, all the time.

Thank you for emptying the dishwasher.

Thank you for grabbing my favorite cheese at the store the other day.

Thank for getting up during the night with baby. That extra bit of sleep saved me.

The number one objection I hear to this phrase is: “I shouldn’t have to thank my partner for the little things that he/she should be helping me with.” I hear you on that. However, when your partner feels appreciated, and not taken for granted, they are more likely to want to do more for you. That sounds good, right?

2. I screwed up

So many couples walk around with their figurative fists up, ready to brawl. They feel so defensive and guarded that they are slow to acknowledge mistakes or take responsibility for their oversights. Here’s my advice: Own your stuff. Admit when you messed up.

I screwed up, honey. I forgot to pick up milk at the grocery store.

I totally messed up; I drove too close to the garage door and put a little scratch on the car.

I blew it. I was grumpy and rude this morning and I know I was being an ass. I’m so sorry.

This is a great habit to model for your kids and has a humanizing effect on the whole family. We all make mistakes. When we take responsibility for them and don’t cover them up with excuses or defensive words, we present a more vulnerable and non-defensive front.

3. You look gorgeous/hot/handsome/amazing…

You and your partner are way beyond the honeymoon stage. The days of staring into each other’s eyes longingly are long gone. I don’t care. Take the time to tell your mate when their hair is looking cute or you really like their outfit. You might feel like your partner already knows that you find them attractive. They don’t. Make sure you tell them and you will be helping to keep the romance alive.

4. You’re really good at…

Neither of you have a manager or a boss at home. You don’t get positive feedback on a regular basis for the activities you do outside of the office. If anything, you and your partner probably give each other constructive (or non-constructive) criticism on everything from how to cut the crusts off the sandwiches to how to put the laundry in the hamper (and not on the floor). This can leave a void of reinforcement and encouragement. Sometimes it feels like we are doing everything wrong. I recommend that you regularly comment on your partner’s strengths and let them know when they are winning at parenting and human-ing. (I know that isn’t a word, but I’m making it one.)

You’re really good at getting our baby to sleep. What is your trick?

You make the most incredible dinners. It is so nice to end my day with yummy food to look forward to.

I love the way that you redirect our (insane) toddler when he is tired and crabby. You really have a knack for this parenting thing!

I’m in awe of your ability to always keep clean pairs of socks and underwear in my dresser. You are the Laundry Monarch – I am not worthy.

5. I hear you.

It is well known that most of us humans are not the greatest listeners. We’re often quick to give solutions or rebuttals. Or we’re too distracted by our iPhone or our kids to really tune in and hear our partner. If you take a deep breath, really listen and say I hear you, you partner’s shoulders will relax and they will feel like you are on their team and you really understand them.

6. You’re right.

Have I mentioned the defensive tone that I often see permeating couples communication? Many men and woman feel continually scrutinized or criticized, so they are slow to admit when their partner is right. But let’s think about this. You chose this person to be your partner in child rearing. Knowing that you always practice excellent judgment (wink, wink), this partner of yours probably has a good point every once in awhile. You can say this is different ways:

Good point.

You’re correct.

That’s fair.

You were right.

Very true.

Yup, you make a great point there.

If you give your mate credit when they’re on the right track, the combative tone will immediately be defused, and she or he will be more likely to say, “You’re right!” to you later on.

7. Hey, I need…

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Our partners aren’t mind readers. SO… if you need something, speak up and ask for it. Let me give you some examples:

Hey hon, I could use extra help in the kitchen this week. The baby is teething and I’m about to lose it.

I need you to run by the grocery store tonight please. We’re out of milk and coffee, and I will keel over in the morning if I don’t have my caffeine.

Darling, I need to you to hug me when you get home at the end of the day and spend a few minutes talking to me before we dive into dinner and bedtime.

Which leads me to my final suggestion…

8. How was your day?

This is an obvious one. You probably feel like you say this one in your sleep.

Here’s my question: When you say it, do you stop what you are doing, look directly at your partner’s face, and actually listen to their answer? If not, I recommend you try that, and then ask follow-up questions. Debriefing and processing your day with your partner is a great way to unwind, let go of any stressors and launch into a meaningful evening with your family. It feels amazing to know that you have a teammate waiting at home who is actually interested in what you did for the last 9 hours!

____________________________

So… I’m going to end with a caveat: If you are one of those folks who apologizes for everything, even when it isn’t your fault, you might want to skip some of the above suggestions (specifically #2 and #5). OR, if you feel like you say many of the above phrases, but your partner doesn’t, you might want to skip back to #6 and ask them to incorporate more of these into your daily dialogue. Blame it on me, the Baby Proofed Parents lady. Tell them it’s the shrink’s orders!

Here’s to Sanity & Saying It,

Kirsten

Ode to the Real-Life Dad

June 20, 2016 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

I’m semi-sad to report that my boys have graduated from the sweet, moral-heavy cartoons of Disney, Nick Jr. and PBS. Gone are the cheerful songs and brightly colored shows of their baby-hood. I sort of miss Sesame Street. I don’t miss Backyardigans. Honestly, I could go the rest of my life without seeing another Little Einsteins episode, and be just fine.

Before you envy the fact that I am no longer subjected to songs about rocket ships and vegetables, let me fill you in on the next stage in youth programming. These days, if my kids have the TV on, which is not very often (thank goodness), the channel is tuned to Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon, and the shows are snarky, slapstick-y and subversive.

I’ve noticed that these “older kid” programs, regardless of whether they are a sitcom or a cartoon, follow the same format: There is some sort of family unit, there are goofy challenges that the kids or family faces and there is always, without exception, a “dumb dad” character. The father figure is clueless. He mumbles and bumbles around the set of the show, continually making bad decisions and acting like a fool, while his partner gently redirects him and cleans up his messes. In some cases the dad appears to be almost ape-like (ahem… Clarence) and in other shows the dad looks like he was held back a few decades or has consumed way too much beer and smoked way too much of something (Steven Universe and The Simpsons).

I’ve thought a lot about this goofy-father archetype and pondered its origin. Was it created by a fed-up feminist who was tired of male heroes dominating the silver and small screens? Is it a 21^st century trend that just continues to stick? (The answer to the latter question is not really, since the father-figures in The Flintstones and The Jetsons were not too bright or capable either.)

Since I am neither a sociologist nor a TV-critic, I will refrain from delving deeper into the mystery of the “Dumb TV Dad”. But there is one thing I will state: Thank you heaven above that my husband is not like a Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon Dad.

Thank goodness that he thinks for himself and that he is my parenting partner in every sense of the word.

Thank goodness that I can leave my boys with him for the entire day when I go to work and know that he is going to have them fed, exercised, entertained and bedded by 9pm. In many ways, my husband is a better parent and all around human being than me. He is frequently the person I turn to when I get in a bind or make a mess (virtual or actual) – he gives great advice and knows how to fix anything and everything that can be fixed.

I’m happy to report that he is not a unique find in the world of 21^st century dads. Today’s dads wear a lot of hats and often do it with aplomb. They change diapers, cook meals and plan out the day, right alongside their parenting partners. I happen to know a ton of these amazing guys – let me introduce some of them to you:

There’s Brian the Birth Guy who has been a devoted single dad to his two girls from the day they were born, and now helps other couples welcome babies into the world.

There’s Ron Malott, The Design Daddy, who adopted two newborns (within months of each other) with his partner, Mike, and is currently raising them to be two gorgeous, involved teenagers.

There’s my friend, Terry Cox, who went through a divorce when his son was still an infant, but didn’t skip a beat when it came to raising his little guy.

There’s David Rose, aka The Babywearing Dad, who follows the principles of attachment parenting and has “worn” his babies since infancy. Did I mention that he also teaches mindfulness techniques to other dads and moms?

There’s my friend and colleague, Jason Sipkowski, who worked hard to bond with his babies right from birth and continues to be an active co-parent in his children’s lives, following some enormous life-transitions.

I’m so glad that my boys have these men to look to as parenting role models. I’m hoping they see a sharp contrast between these real-life father figures and the doofuses they see on TV. And if they don’t, they are sure to hear the constant commentary from their mother while she is watching over their shoulder from the kitchen. (Why is that dad so idiotic? Why does that dad look like an obese rabbit? Why is he catching everything on fire? Why???) The message I hope they hear is that the majority of real dads look, and act, nothing like those silly cartoon characters. So… on that note, anyone want to pitch a new show to Cartoon Network with me??

Here’s to Strength and Real-Life Dads,

Kirsten

Ending the Division of Labor Wars

February 12, 2016 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Everyone does it. No couple is immune. Some call it tit for tat. Others call it keeping points. It’s that thing you do when you turn to your partner and say, “Why do I always end up doing the dishes? It seems like you never help out in the kitchen.”

Then your partner defensively replies, “I just did the dishes yesterday. You never notice when I help. And besides, when is the last time you helped with the yard work?”

And it goes from there.

The arguments can be about household chores, financial contributions, parenting tasks or even initiating sex.

These arguments feel like a volleyball game in which each person is volleying complaints back and forth over the net. It can become quite competitive. Who is doing the most around the house? Who is doing the most for the family? Who is doing the most for each other?

What couples tend to forget is that they are actually on the same team. If you ask two parents what their goals are for the family, they will almost always say the same things: Health, happiness, and a well cared for home.

I have good news for you! There are ways to minimize these division of labor battles that will in turn, make you feel closer than ever to your partner.

1. Ask yourself if you are tired or grumpy. If you answer yes, consider saving your feedback for a moment when you are rested and fed. You’ll be able to approach the subject in a less confrontational manner when you are feeling calm and can “soft start” the conversation.

2. Consider whether this task is crucial to the family and the relationship OR whether it is a personal preference for you. If it is simply a personal preference, explore the idea that you might have to take on the bulk of the job yourself. Or hire someone to help you! (Example: I like a clean, uncluttered house. Am I great at keeping it this way? Not really. My husband isn’t either but honestly, clutter doesn’t bother him. I’ve learned that lecturing him about clearing clutter is useless and only gets both of us frustrated. Instead, I try to budget time to do my own clutter cleaning and every once in awhile I have a cleaning service come in to do the deeper cleaning.)

3. Propose making a schedule or an “adult chore chart.” Most us tend to assume that our partner will handle household chores exactly the way we do. But this is a false assumption. We all come from different families and backgrounds. Just because you empty the dishwasher as soon as it has finished its cycle, doesn’t mean that your partner even notices that the dishes are done. Work together to make an agreement on what tasks need to be done when, and who is going to do them. And remember that each of your “chore lists” might not look identical. One of you might hate mopping and the other one might dislike cooking. Try to create lists that play into both of you strengths and preferences.

1. Before getting defensive, ask yourself if your partner has a valid complaint. Is it true that they have been doing most of the chores around the house? Perhaps your partner has been handling the majority of parenting tasks? Resist the urge to start tallying points and firing complaints back at them. If you can, remain calm and ask your partner how you can make things feel more equitable. You might be surprised at the answer.

2. Consider your partner’s love language. If they feel most loved when you perform “acts of service”, then chipping in with chores and yard work is going to be important in your relationship. If their love language is “physical touch”, then making it a priority to initiate cuddling or sex will be essential. When you hear your partner’s complaint, try to see how it fits into their love language. Then, try to be ahead of the game by anticipating the things that make them feel loved and initiating before being asked.

3. If you don’t want to help out more with what your partner is complaining about (or you simply can’t, due to time constraints or another issue) begin gentle negotiations. I’ll give another personal example: I used to love working in the yard. These days, I simply don’t have time or energy for it. Occasionally, my husband points out that I do not set foot outside on yard workdays. He has a point. When these conversations come up, I initially agree with him. Then I try to 1) suggest small ways that I can help (like doing a little weeding), 2) gently remind him of all of the household tasks I am handling (like laundry and housecleaning) and 3) offer to help find money in our budget to pay a yard service. Since my husband actually enjoys doing yard work, he always declines this offer, and we go about our merry way.

I said it before and I’ll say it again: you are both on the same team. It is not a competition and things will never be completely even. One partner (and this might switch back and forth) will always bring in more income. One partner will always do a little more around the house. One partner might initiate sex more frequently. Accept that you are not clones of each other and then try to boost each other up instead of tearing each other down. You will feel closer and more supported as a result!

Here’s to Sanity and Chore Charts,

Kirsten

6 Survival Tips for Parenting When You’re Sick

November 30, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Holiday adventures.

This Thanksgiving holiday I had a house full of extended family and a weather forecast full of rain. Despite the gloomy prognosis, I’m thrilled to announce that the visit went remarkably smoothly. The kids all got along – no meltdowns, no big brawls. The adults all got along – no meltdowns, no big brawls. We went on several adventures and had plenty of quality time at home. Overall, it was a very successful week… except for one thing: I got sick. Really sick.

My throat began feeling sore at the beginning of the visit and by the time my sister and her daughters boarded the plane home, I had a high-fever and could barely swallow. My doctor confirmed a diagnosis of strep and I went home with a prescription and an order to kick up my feet and rest.

For most moms I know, kicking up their feet and resting is a near impossibility. There are kids that need to be fed, bathed and bedded. Life doesn’t just stop because mom or dad isn’t feeling well. As the spot-on Nyquil commercials imply, Moms and Dads don’t get PTO or sick days, amIright?

After 11 years of being a parent, I’ve done the sick-parenting thing many, many times, and I’m here to offer you support and suggestions (that actually don’t involve Nyquil, although I know parents who swear by the stuff):

1. Do the bare minimum: Forget the laundry. Pull out the paper plates. Housecleaning, baths and phone calls can wait. Make sure everyone gets fed and stays safe. All other tasks and priorities can be put on hold. The more your rest, the more quickly you will feel like yourself again. You can catch up on everything when you are well. And you will catch up – like Superwoman on steroids, because you’ll feel like a new person!

2. Call in the troops and ask for help: You’re probably thinking, Duh… This one is kind of a no brainer. But for many of us parents, asking for help and handing the reins to someone else can be challenging. When you are the captain of your ship, and your know exactly how your kids like their sandwiches and precisely what routine will help them go to the sleep at night, it is hard to ask someone to step in and do your job. Even your spouse! On the last day of my sister’s visit, my illness had rendered me pathetic. My husband was out, so I asked her to handle the last meal of the day with the kids. I could hear pans and dishing clanging in the kitchen and I made the conscious choice to let go and let her be in charge – not something that comes easy for me!

3. Make it a lesson in empathy: I’ve said this countless times before, but it is OK and even beneficial for our kids to see us being vulnerable and human. Moms and dads get sick too – we aren’t robots. As your little ones get older, you might be surprised with the tenderness and empathy they exhibit when they see you suffering with a cold. My 10 yr. old takes on a whole new level of independence when he observes me looking like death warmed over. Capitalize on these moments of role reversal and allow the little people to care for the caretaker (or at the least entertain themselves).

4. Keep your germs to your self: There is only one thing worse than parenting when you are sick. Parenting when you AND your child are sick. Mark those episodes down as all time lows in the kid-rearing adventures. My recommendation? Wash your hands often, avoid close contact and cup sharing and let your partner or another healthy adult handle bath time and food prep if at all possible. Most of the time, it is fine to breastfeed because you are actually boosting your baby’s immunity, but be sure to ask your doctor. If you can keep the rest of your crew healthy, it will help to speed along your own healing.

5. Throw your “Perfect Parent” hat out the window: Perhaps you usually limit your kids to one hour of screen time a day? Maybe you make it a practice to get your baby out on a walk in the fresh air every afternoon? You probably have wonderful routines that make you the great parent that you are. Forget about all of that. Don’t worry about the TV being on all day or cold pizza being served for dinner. Your number one priority should be resting and getting well.

And now that I’ve given you those 5 tips, my final advice is…

6. Avoid getting sick in the first place: Do what works for you to keep your immune system strong and your stress levels down so that you stay healthy and well during the cold and flu season. (I’m really lecturing myself here.) Elderberry, Vitamin C, Emergencees — pick your potion and drink your liquids. Because, no matter how many tips I give you for parenting when you’re sick, it still kinda sucks. So wash your hands, get your sleep and keep your body strong. You’re doing the hardest job there is, and you need your strength to do it!

Here’s to Sanity and Echinacea,

Kirsten

Expect the Best, Prepare for the Worst

October 26, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Most parents I know have at least one, but usually multiple stories involving a pee or poop disaster out in public. In my case, it involved some Haribo Gummy Bears, a preschooler, a baby, a restaurant bathroom that had run out of paper towels and a diaper bag that was left at home. I tell this story not to gross you out (although you probably will be grossed out) but to help you learn from my obvious parenting gaffe.

It was a sunny afternoon and my kids and I were going stir crazy at home. I decided on a whim to whisk them off to an enormous play-scape, nestled in between a bunch of restaurants near our home. I considered grabbing the diaper bag but I noted that my toddler had just had a diaper change and my preschooler had recently conquered potty training. Our neighborhood was right across the street so we could run home if needed, right? (First big mistake.) I threw my boys, two sippy cups and myself in the car and took off. Three cheers for spontaneity!

Things began to go awry when my 3-year-old noticed an old bag of Haribo Gummy Bears in the car. Did you know that Haribo bears are famous for their laxative effect? Well… I didn’t. And being in the care-free mood that I was, I said, “Sure, have some gummy bears!” (Second big mistake.)

After arriving at the playground, we busied ourselves with typical climbing and swinging activities until it happened: My 3 yo. began walking toward me awkwardly and I noticed something oozing down his leg. Yup, the Haribo gummy bears had done their magic.

“Oh. No.” I muttered.

“OK… let’s get ourselves to the bathroom.” I scooped up one child in each arm and speed-walked my way to the closest restaurant and directly into their restroom, where I promptly discovered the absence of paper towels.

I’m not going to go into a lot of detail here, because you can probably imagine what happened next. With no diaper bag and no paper towels, I was pretty much helpless. I threw several items of clothing in the trash and did my best to mop up the rest of the mess with toilet paper. I only paused from my frantic clean up attempts to beg my toddler to “Please don’t crawl over there! Please don’t touch that! Please don’t put your fingers there!”

Fortunately my son’s t-shirt was long enough that when I carried him and his baby brother back through the playground, no one noticed that he was wearing nothing below the waist. My guardian angels threw me a bone when I found a spare towel in the trunk of my car. I wrapped him in it, strapped him in his car seat and headed home for a long, hot soak in the bath.

All in all, it wasn’t a big deal. A little poop. A little mess. A lot of embarrassment, especially when another woman walked into the restroom and visibly reacted to the odorous mayhem.

My take-away from the day? Never leave the house without the diaper bag. Just. Don’t.

The mistake I made that afternoon is that I expected the best but I didn’t prepare for the worst. That was outside the usual norm for me. Usually I am ALL OVER the worst. Most parents I know naturally evolve into what I call “Worst Case Scenario Experts”. They are able to magically predict all of the possible scenarios that can arise in a certain situation and be amazingly prepared. I am a strong believer in positive thinking and the power of visualization. But when you become a parent, you also have to continually foresee all pitfalls and disasters.

Here are examples and suggestions for how this comes into play, all the way from pregnancy to older kids:

Labor & Delivery:

Expect the best – Visualize how you want the birth of your child to go. Your body was designed to do this incredible job. Go into the experience with confidence that you can make your birth plan work for you. Take childbirth classes and talk with experts who will give you information and tools to manage your pain and ultimately create the birth experience you want to have.

Prepare for the worst – Talk with your partner, your doula, your midwife and/or your doctor about Plan B if things don’t go as you hoped. How do you feel about the various pain-relief options? Are you open to epidurals? If you are planning a home birth, and need to be transported to a hospital, will you be prepared? In the event that you require an emergency C-section, does your doctor or midwife have a protocol that they follow?

Newborn Care & Breastfeeding:

Expect the best – Take infant care and breastfeeding classes to arm yourself with wisdom and guidance on how to proceed with these new tasks. The more info you have the more confident you will feel. Imagine yourself being a fabulous new parent. Even if you and your baby struggle with some of the new skills at first, you will most likely work out the kinks as time passes.

Prepare for the worst – Have the phone numbers of lactation consultants and sleep experts on standby in case you need a little advice or encouragement. Ask your experienced-parent friends if you can call them every once in awhile for mini-consults. Know that perfectly healthy infants struggle with reflux or colic at times – this does not mean you are a failure as a parent. Ask for help when needed.

Self-Care & Relationship Care:

Expect the best – You and your partner will be tired and emotional as new parents, but you will also find yourself experiencing periods of euphoria and incredible love for this little person you just brought into the world. You will also feel closer than ever at times. Visualize yourself easily navigating the physical strains of being new parents and getting stronger and more competent with time.

Prepare for the worst – If your friends want to set up a meal calendar, say yes! If they want to send in a cleaning service or a diaper service, say yes again! You can always cancel these things later if you feel like you don’t need them. If you are prone to depression or anxiety, don’t be afraid to reach out to a counselor ahead of the birth of your child. Ask close friends and family members to be on stand-by in case you and/or your partner need a sanity break or a rest. Stock your fridge with healthy foods and your Netflix queue with great flicks, so that you and your partner can enjoy all of the together time you will have in your family room.

Toddlers and Preschoolers:

Expect the best – Don’t think your life will be put on hold just because you have little ones. You can still go to the outdoor concerts, brewery parties and big family events. Your kids will benefit from being out and about. Expect that they are going to be thriving and growing as they get older. Get ready for tons of fun.

Prepare for the worst – We went over this earlier, but let me repeat: always have a diaper bag filled with the basics (burp cloths, wipes, diapers, tissues, changing pad, change of clothes, snacks, sippy cups/bottles, plastic bags, etc.). Have it ready to go so you can grab it on a moment’s notice and always feel prepared. Have small toys or treats ready for those times you have to wait in a long line. Have a favorite blankie or stuffed animal ready for meltdowns. Don’t forget to bring a bottle of water and snacks for yourself. You need to take care of you!

And on a grander scale, if you have any concerns about your child’s development, behavior or sleep, do not be afraid or embarrassed to consult with your pediatrician or another expert.

And so it goes… As your kids get older, you will continue to prepare yourself for worst-case scenarios while fully enjoying their development more than ever. There will be less in your diaper bag and more experiences in your memory banks. Keep the positive expectations coming – you have some amazing stuff ahead of you!

Here’s to Strength and Gummy Bears,

Kirsten

And Baby Makes Three… Not Two :: Monday Musing

June 15, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

“Heeeey Kirsten and Cheryl…. Give me a call when you have a chance! I want to tell you what I’m hearing from all the dads.”

That’s an abridged version of the voice mail we get every few weeks from Brian the Birth Guy. Brian gets to hang out with hundreds of dads and parenting partners every month through his Rocking Dads Childbirth Classes and the doula work he provides to couples. If he hears consistent themes and messages coming from these new parents, he gives us a ring. How cool is that? We have our own anecdotal field-research source, wrapped up in Brian’s contagious enthusiasm.

The last time we spoke to the Birth Guy, he filled us in on two concerns he was hearing from many of his new dads:

Concern #1: “I can’t get baby away from mom long enough to bond with her/him.” Brian explained that many dads feel like they don’t get the opportunity to connect with or learn how to soothe their newborn because their partners spend so much time getting the hang of breastfeeding and connecting with baby. Then, when mom is ready to go get a haircut or go out for a quick coffee or GNO, Dad feels helpless and unprepared to watch or calm their infant.

Concern #2: “I’m worried that co-sleeping with our baby is going to impact our relationship.” Brian said that some couples choose to try co-sleeping, some couples are against it, and some accidentally start doing it and never stop. He said that the problem occurs when one parent is in favor of co-sleeping and one is not. Suddenly there is a literal wedge, in the shape of a sweet little infant, inserted between the pair.

After digesting these new-daddy-woes, I realized that they were both connected to the same challenge: How do you maintain the intimacy and closeness you had pre-baby while simultaneously bonding with and caring for this new little creature? It’s tricky, for sure. Introducing a baby into a relationship changes up everything. As the quirky monster diagram below illustrates, life is fairly simple before starting a family. Bill Withers sang it perfectly, “Just the two of us, building castles in the sky. Just the two of us, you and I.”

When you add an infant to the picture, it mixes up the flow of things. The baby requires a ton of time and attention, especially from mom if she is trying to breastfeed. The non-breastfeeding partner might feel neglected or left out. Figuring out how to get sleep at night can present more difficulties for the partnership. Mom might find herself sleeping upright with the baby, or bringing the newborn to bed so she can get some rest. Instead of a happy family of three, it can feel like a disjointed partnership with an odd man out at times.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. It’s possible for mom to bond with baby, for dad to bond with baby AND for mom and dad to stay just as connected and close as they were before their parenting adventure began. Here’s how:

Brainstorm baby-related tasks and routines that dad/parenting partner can be in charge of during the early weeks and months. Some couples start the routine very early of dad giving baby a daily bottle. In her essay, Yes Trespassing, Cheryl wrote about how her kids’ dad, J, did a lovely job of finding ways to be a supportive co-parent and bond with their newborn. He changed the baby’s diaper and swaddled her before feedings, he soothed the baby when Cheryl needed a break and he cared for Cheryl and ran errands when needed. When Cheryl was ready to get out of the house for a few hours, J was ready and able to step in with their little girl.

Make parenting decisions as partners. Parenting is a tough job and you need your right hand man (or woman) to be on your team for the next 18 years. Discuss every decision — what kind of baby carrier to use, whether or not to co-sleep, when to transition to bottles — with your partner so that the buy-in is mutual. Thinks about how these decisions will not only impact your infant but your relationship as well. And remember, you can always adjust and adapt as you go.

Make the relationship a priority. When you’re making the joint decisions listed in #2, keep your relationship at the forefront of your mind. Your partner was in your life before your baby arrived, and hopefully they will be there for a long time afterward. At some point your little one will be a big one and off to preschool, then high school and then suddenly college. Nurturing your relationship and keeping it strong will help you to be a better, happier parent. When you eventually have more freedom to go out on dates or weekend getaways, you won’t find yourself hanging out with a stranger.

Be patient with each other. Give it time. For the first few months and years, your relationship will look and feel different. It’s unavoidable. So hang in there and give each other grace as you figure things out. Remind each other that you are in this together and that neither of you are experts. Give each other encouragement and breaks when needed. Turn to your partner, and in your best Bill Withers croon, reassure them: “We can make it if we try.”

Because you really can make it. We promise.

Here’s to Sanity & Building Castles in the Sky,

Kirsten

On Raising Twins :: Wednesday Wisdom

April 22, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Meet Sadia. She is a working single mother of identical twin daughters. In the odd minute she finds between raising her daughters, running a home, driving her commute and working as a business analyst, she runs the multi-authored blog, How Do You Do It?, created by and for parents of twins, triplets and more. Sadia also serves as the Single Parent Coordinator for Multiples of America. Sadia grew up in Europe and Asia but now shares a home with her 8 yr old daughters, J and M, in the suburbs of Austin, Texas. We wanted to pick Sadia’s brain about her experience of raising twins and learn more about HDYDI, the amazing blog that supports parents of multiples.

BPP: So… what was it like when you found out that you were having twins? Was it something you had planned or hoped for?

S: I don’t think anyone ever plans on having twins, but there was a tiny part of me that hoped for it, just based on the large number of twins and triplets in my husband’s family. The earliest I was prepared to have children was age 26 and my husband wanted to be done by age 24. We agreed on having two kids. Our twins’ birth, which happened 6 days before I turned 27 and 23 days before my husband turned 25, made an impossible set of requirements work! We knew we were looking at twins on the first ultrasound, 7 weeks into the pregnancy, before the technician even said a word. We were both thrilled and just wanted to be sure there were two and not three! We would have been equally happy with triplets, but wanted to know how many cribs to get.

BPP: Can you share about your pregnancy? Was it challenging carrying two little ones? Did the birth go as planned?

S: Any multiple birth is automatically categorized as “high-risk” because of the elevated risk of preterm birth and other complications. For those like me, lucky enough to have uncomplicated pregnancies, that simply translates to more frequent visits with the obstetrician and an ultrasound at every visit. I had a dream pregnancy. No morning sickness. No reflux. No swollen ankles. Fabulous hair and skin. Everything went great until my water broke, without warning, 7 weeks before the twins were due. The emergency C-section was extremely traumatic, but fortunately their early start hasn’t had any lasting effects on my daughters.

BPP: How did you prepare for bringing two babies home from the hospital? Did you consult with any experts or websites on how to prepare for twins?

S: Since J and M decided to enter the world 2 months ahead of schedule, final preparations were never completed. However, I spent a year in therapy before getting pregnant to make sure that I could be in the best emotional shape of my life going into motherhood. My general approach was to be an honest and open mother, to allow my children to see my mistakes and how I recover from them. Everything else in my parenting arsenal stems from that transparency, with a final goal of readying my children for an independent, productive, and happy adulthood. My preparation for the specifics of twins was limited to intense and wonderful conversations with my husband’s aunt (who has fraternal triplets) and great-aunt (who has identical twins).

BPP: Challenges with breastfeeding and sleep deprivation are extremely common for new parents, even with only one baby! Do you remember how you coped with feeding and waking up with two infants?

S: The babies were both home with me at 20 days old. By then, my husband had shipped off to California for pre-Iraq combat training! During maternity leave, I quite literally spent half my time breastfeeding: 45 minutes for M, then 45 minutes for J, then repeat 90 minutes later! I was so grateful that they’d latched at all after my nearly 3 weeks on a pump and feeding tubes that it didn’t seem too overwhelming.

Something happened to my body chemistry that allowed me to perform basic functions on just 3-4 hours of total sleep in 45-minute chunks. When I say, “basic functions”, I mean keeping myself and the babies alive. There was a day when I got to work only to realize that I’d put my pants on inside out in my sleep deprived haze. I maintained a notebook of feedings, diapers and baths because I wasn’t forming any lasting memories and didn’t want to risk feeding one baby twice and the other not at all!

The true source of my sanity was my friend Sara, whose (one!) baby was 14 days younger than mine. We were pregnant together and sent our husbands to Iraq together. Although she was an SAHM and I worked, it really felt like we were in it together. She was never scared off by my two babies, and she also knew that I could take on a third when she needed a moment. Also, having a childcare provider I trusted meant the world when I returned to work. The babies were only 11 weeks old, developmentally 4 weeks old, at the end of maternity leave.

BPP: Can you share about the first few years of being parents of two? Any challenges or successes that surprised you? How did it impact your relationship with their father?

S: I came to motherhood with an assumption that my children would be pliant clay, everything about them attributable to something I or their father had done right or wrong. Instead, they came out with fully formed personalities. They even kicked and punched differently in utero! They certainly have a lot in common, but M and J are very, very different young ladies. It took no time at all for me to realize that my job as a mother was to give them each the tools her particular personality required for success in life. I would have very little to do with who they were and was along for the ride! I had imagined that parenthood would be a thankless grind and was shocked by how much fun I was having. You can’t dance to classic Madonna with a giggling 6-month-old on each hip and not be filled with bone deep joy.

My husband was deployed in Iraq for 15 months of our daughters first two years, and away for training several months besides. I had hoped to parent as a team even while he was away, but we hardly heard from him. I don’t think the children made any difference in our relationship. Our physical distance and communication limitations kept us from having much of a relationship at all.

BPP: You are a frequent contributor and coordinator with the blog, How Do You Do It? (HDYDI), a website where “Moms of multiples tell it like it is.” How did you connect with this blog? How do you feel that it has benefited both you and other parents of multiples?

S: I ran across HDYDI when my daughters were about 2 years old. I knew I’d found my tribe, mothers who really understood the ins and outs of parenting young twins. I left a comment on a post or two and quickly felt like part of the community. It was several years before I began contributing regularly, and shortly after that, I took over coordination.

How Do You Do It? is a family where MoMs (that’s MoM-speak for “mothers of multiples”) understand that there is no one way to parent, run a family or be a woman. We have mothers from different family structures, different countries, several religions, completely different politics, and with children of all ages. We come together with the shared goals of doing right by our kids and making it through each day. In a lot of other places, I run into the assumption that an answer that is right for one pair of twins must be right for all twins. I’ve never seen that at HDYDI. In raising children who shared a womb and a birthday, we all get to see up close how unique each child is, while acknowledging how special the wombmate bond can be.

BPP: Since having your twins, you and your husband have divorced. You have also maintained a successful career as a full-time business analyst. You definitely wear a lot of hats: single mother of twins, career woman, blog coordinator and more. To echo the title of your blog, How do you do it?? Any tips on maintaining balance when you have a lot on your plate?

S: That’s a big question! In short, recognize that you can’t do it all right now, and that’s okay. Prioritize what matters and forget or delay the rest. My recommendation is to find the 5 things that matter to you most. Your list might include marriage, education, nutrition, friends and sleep. Or perhaps it’s breastfeeding, working to a promotion, taking a shower daily, eating one non-cereal meal and having one conversation with your spouse that isn’t about the children. There’s no right answer. At the end of every week, look back and see whether you put the bulk of you energy toward those things. Readjust accordingly.

BPP: Do you mind sharing which topics or concerns come up the most on the HDYDI blog and how you give support and encouragement to expectant or new parents of twins?

S: The top topics of discussion are these:

– What do “identical” and “fraternal” even mean, and how do I know what mine are? http://hdydi.com/2014/03/12/identical-or-fraternal-a-primer/

– How can I make breastfeeding work with more than one? http://hdydi.com/2014/01/29/ask-moms-tandem-nurse/

– How do I run errands with all these small people? http://hdydi.com/2013/10/21/grocery-shopping-twin-more/

– Should my multiples be in the same or different classrooms? http://hdydi.com/2015/02/27/twins-and-school-together-apart/

– How should I tackle ignorant questions and comments? http://hdydi.com/2013/07/26/its-okay-to-think-it-responding-to-twin-comments/

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving pointer to expectant or new parents, especially parents of multiples, what would it be?

S: Remember the Golden Rule and turn it on yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat others. Know that you are enough as a parent, whether you accept help to get it all done or you take shortcuts to make things work. Don’t strive for perfection, because you… and your children… will always fall short. Your children learn by watching you. If you don’t turn self-criticism to either productive change or acceptance, neither will your kids. If you do accept yourself and do your best, so will they.

Sadia, thank you so much for sharing your experience with your two daughters and your insight. Even for those of us who will never have twins or triplets, your pointers are invaluable! ♥ – C & K

Be sure to check out the How Do You Do It? Blog at this link.

And stay in the loop with HDYDI, Sadia and other parents of multiples on the HDYDI Facebook page.

A Different Kind of Discipline :: Wednesday Wisdom

March 10, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Caitlyn Weeks, MA, LPC-I

Most parents struggle with behavior management issues at some point in their child’s development. For some, the challenges might begin at 18 months when a little one tries out their first tantrum. Other parents don’t see behavior issues until they have teenagers in the house. They are the lucky few. Regardless of when the challenges occur, it is great to have a discipline philosophy ready and waiting. (Something that I certainly didn’t think of when I had my first baby!)

Natalie Love, LMFT-A, LPC

That is precisely why I wanted to interview Caitlyn Weeks, MA, LPC-Intern and Natalie Love, LMFT-A, LPC , two individuals who know a lot about the Positive Discipline approach to parenting and behavior management. Caitlyn works with parents, teens and families at Austin Family Counseling, under the supervision of Lora Ferguson, LPC-S. Natalie also practices at Austin Family Counseling and specializes in adults, couples and LBGTQ+ clients. Both hold the title of Certified Positive Discipline Parenting Educator and both are amazing resources for parents, families and teens in Austin. To read more about Caitlyn and Natalie’s backgrounds and specialties, click on their photos.

BPP: How did you two become interested in learning more about the Positive Discipline (PD) philosophy?

Caitlyn: While wading through a mountain of models and resources in graduate school, one of my favorite professors introduced me to Positive Discipline. This was around the time that I was really embracing the concept of working with families as unique systems (instead of individuals in isolation). Because I have a passion for working with teens, I was looking for a way to invite parents into the work and offer tools that would be beneficial for the whole system. The long-term benefits of PD really connected with how I experienced my parents as a child and how I relate to them as an adult. I wanted to learn more and pursued advanced training in 2013 and have been using the model with families in sessions, seminars, and groups ever since.

Natalie: When I started working with Austin Family Counseling, many of the therapists were trained in Positive Discipline. When I began learning about the approach I was really interested in how to apply the model in my own family. I was drawn to the model because it focuses on connection and encouragement rather than rewards and punishments. I was feeling discouraged as a new parent and was getting advice from my own mother and in-laws on how to do things, but didn’t really agree with some of their approaches. When I started applying PD at home my own mother was a little skeptical. She wanted to know where the punishment came in, because that is how she learned to parent. It has been so rewarding to see our extended family get on-board with this model (despite their initial skepticism) as they see how effective and beneficial it has been (and continues to be) for both our son and family as a whole.

BPP: Can you describe the foundation/basics of this discipline style?

Caitlyn: At its core, Positive Discipline is based on fostering connection in relationships. Dr. Jane Nelsen developed the model while studying the work of psychologists Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikers and attempting to make sense of her own family life and parenting strategies in the process. PD is designed to help families engage with social and life skills that encourage the development of respectful, responsible, and resourceful young people.

The five basic goals of the Positive Discipline approach:

balance kindness and firmness
promote connection
achieve long-term effectiveness
teach social and life skills for good character
invite the discovery of capability and appropriate/constructive use of personal power

Positive Discipline Tools focus on:

modeling and promoting mutual respect
learning effective communication and problem solving skills
prioritizing solutions instead of punishment and encouragement instead of praise
recognizing mistakes as opportunities for learning without permissiveness or punishment

Parents are also able to move beyond behavior modification by gaining an understanding of the beliefs children hold at the core of misbehaviors and how to work with those beliefs or “mistaken goals” of behavior in the long-term.

BPP: What do you believe sets PD apart from other behavior management or parenting approaches?

Caitlyn: This model isn’t about becoming a perfect parent. Many parents come to this model with “resource fatigue” and find relief in our hands-on application of tools. PD invites action in an approachable way and teaches concepts through experiential activities that encourage parents to practice tools and strategies in a fun, supportive, and engaging community. PD also focuses on successes and challenges, not simply misbehavior. Parents learn how to truly encourage their children and celebrate their unique gifts and talents while helping them become capable, empowered young people and fostering self-esteem.

BPP: What are the benefits of using this philosophy with kids?

Natalie: When you identify the underlying belief behind a child’s behavior it allows for connection and compassion, which I feel creates a stronger, more trusting relationship between the parent and child. Parenting is not easy but when we can maintain connection with our children, I feel it can be less discouraging when facing expected and inevitable challenges.

BPP: How early do you recommend parents start using these concepts with their children?

Natalie: I first began learning about PD when my son was about 2 years old. A lot of the tools were not easily applicable with him because he wasn’t verbal enough or did not yet have the ability to comprehend some of the ideas. However, learning and grasping the concepts as a parent was still very helpful for me in understanding his behaviors. Now he is 3 ½ and we are able to apply more of the tangible tools which have been really effective. I think parents of any age child can benefit from learning the model, but implementing some of the specific activities and tools is probably easier with children that are 3 and up.

Caitlyn: I agree with Natalie that the framework of the model is helpful at any age, but the tools really become useful around age 3 and up. This model is also fantastic for families with teens and I use it regularly in that way. Regardless of the age of the child(ren), this work invites parents to develop a greater understanding of they were parented and how those experiences inform the way they parent their own children. During times of challenge, we often revert to the type of parenting we experienced as children, so the awareness this model brings is invaluable in empowering parents to be proactive instead of reactive. Personally, I find the tools are also relevant to my relationship with my husband and we do our best to use the communication strategies frequently. A specific model for couples is currently in development and we’re looking forward to its release.

BPP: How can parents learn more about PD and start using the techniques with their own children?

Natalie: Reading the books is definitely helpful, but I have found the workshops and groups to be most effective for me in really grasping the concepts. There is something very powerful about the experiential piece, especially when co-parents can participate together! It is fun and interactive and having the shared experience helps lessen some of the shame and fear that come up as a parent. Austin Family Counseling is offering brief introductory sessions to Positive Discipline for those interested in learning more or getting a refresher on a specific topic. I think that is a really approachable way to get a feel for PD before committing to a full workshop. For those who are ready to take the plunge, our practice also offers 8-week and weekend intensive groups for parents.

Caitlyn: In addition to books and workshops, parent coaching is an invaluable way to engage with the model. With parent coaching, we offer one-on-one sessions tailored to fit your unique parenting concerns and challenges. My coaching clients receive a combination of resources and materials, “troubleshooting,” a safe place to vent constructively, and plenty of accountability and encouragement. The Austin Family Counseling Blog frequently features PD topics and is a great way to learn more about our therapists who offer parent coaching. I also think the Positive Discipline Blog is a wonderful resource for parents who are curious and interested in learning more.

BPP: Does it help with some of the biggest parent stressors such as tantrums and potty training?

Natalie: Definitely! The book, Positive Discipline A-Z: 1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems book is one of my “go-to” resources for day to day parenting stressors. You can quickly look up a topic, like tantrums, hitting, etc. and find tangible suggestions & considerations related to the issue.

BPP: What does this model look like in a private practice setting? Do you use the concepts from the PD model in your work with young clients and families?

Caitlyn: I use this model daily. Many parents come in with specific challenges or topics they would like to address and I find that Positive Discipline provides concrete, proactive strategies that lead to long-lasting results. With my teen clients, we use PD to discover empowering ways to interact with parents and other adults (teachers, coaches, bosses, etc.). The relational emphasis of PD also offers a great framework for exploring peer relationships, dating, and identity development. Regardless of the age of the client, I do my best to create an environment that is rooted in values of mutual respect, kindness, firmness, and trust. When interactions are supportive, safe, and reliable we feel better; when we feel better, we do better.

Natalie: I work mostly with adults and couples and definitely find this approach applicable! I often apply these concepts with couples and they love being able to take it home and apply it with their families. It is empowering for couples to take the tangible tools that they can relate to themselves and then see the impact it has on their family as a whole.

BPP: If you had to give one piece of sanity-saving advice to new parents, what would it be?

Natalie: You are not alone and this journey is not about being perfect! Try not to compare yourself to others, especially what you see on social media etc. People like to portray their “best selves” to the public, but we can all connect with the struggle. It’s more vulnerable to show the messy side of parenting, but it is much more authentic! This is not easy and that is okay. We can support one another, so don’t be afraid to reach out!

Caitlyn: I couldn’t have said it better. Even if it were possible to be a perfect parent, who wants to be around “perfect”? Perfection is a dangerous goal that creates automatic failure for ourselves and others. It also gets in the way of some of our most valuable opportunities for repair, connection, and growth. When you open yourself to the practice of embracing mistakes as wonderful opportunities for learning, the need for perfection falls away and creates space for something much more amazing. Recognize mistakes, learn from them, and ask for help and support as often as you need it!

Want to learn more about Caitlyn? Have a question for her? Go to this link: http://austinfamilycounseling.com/caitlyn-weeks/

Want to learn more about Natalie? Have a question for her? Go to this link: http://austinfamilycounseling.com/natalie-love/

I wish I had learned about Positive Discipline years ago when my boys were little guys! I appreciate Caitlyn and Natalie taking the time to fill us in on this wonderful discipline philosophy. It sounds like the perfect fit for 21st century parents. – KB ♥

5 Things for New Moms to Give Their Partners :: Tuesday Tip

February 10, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Note from the author: These tips are not just applicable to husbands and wives, they are relevant to any parenting partnership!

Many of my new mom counseling clients tell me that they feel like they’ve developed multiple personalities after giving birth. A few weeks into their parenting adventure, they eagerly wait by the door for their husbands to come home from work. And when he finally gets there, they feel completely annoyed — and eagerly wait for him to leave again.

I understand what they’re talking about. I experienced my own mixed feelings regarding my hubby when I became a new mother. There were moments when I felt like I couldn’t have found a sweeter, more intuitive man to co-parent my children with. “I won the parenting jackpot,” I told my friends, “He is so sweet to our baby and does SO much to help me.” Other times I felt like my man was put on this Earth, and specifically in my life, to aggravate me and let me down. He didn’t know what I needed, he didn’t know the right things to say, he just didn’t…

Before reaching the point of wanting to kick your husband out, here are 5 things to try giving him:

Give him the scoop: Fill your husband in on what you are experiencing as a new mother. Your hormones are all over the place. You don’t know what a full-night’s sleep is any more. Your body just went through a gigantic ordeal and your life has changed dramatically. If you worked prior to having a baby, you are now adjusting to being home alone all day with a little crying creature who doesn’t speak the same language as you. This is a huge adjustment and your husband will be better able to support you if he knows what an enormous transition your body and mind are going through. Keep him informed so he understands that this isn’t a walk in the park for you and that you need as much help as possible.

Give him patience: Remember that you are not the only one trying to figure out how to do this parenting thing. Your husband is also new to the role of Dad, and he might need time to learn how to best support you and baby. If he spends a lot of time on the road or at the office, he may need occasional tutorials or updates on how to bounce baby when he’s fussy, or how to feed baby solids without them being spit up all over the floor. Be easy on your man – the two of you will figure out your new jobs together, in time.

Give him a piece of your mind: OK, listen to me closely here. This may seem like common sense, but it actually isn’t for most of us. Your husband cannot read your mind. He doesn’t know that you wanted him to pick up dinner from the Thai restaurant on the corner because you’ve been pacing the kitchen all afternoon with a fussy baby. He doesn’t realize that you haven’t had a shower in three days and that the grease in your hair is not part of a new slicked-back hair style you are going for. He might not understand that you have reached your last straw and that you are seriously about to lose it. As we always tell our young kids, use your words and tell your husband what you need and want. Sometimes it might be as simple as saying, “I need you to give me a big hug and tell me everything is going to be OK.” Or it might be as big as stating, “I am really struggling today and about to lose it. I need you to step in with the baby and give me a Target break so I can blow off some steam in the pretty pillow and vase aisle.”

Give him your time: One of the things that suffers the most when you have a new baby in the house is time together as a couple. With this lack of couple time, intimacy and lovey-dovey feelings can take a dive. When you can, and IF you can, make time for little dates with each other. It might look like sitting on the couch with a dark beer (to increase your breast milk of course!) and watching the latest Netflix download. Or… if you can snag a babysitter, get OUT of the house with your partner, even if it is for an hour or two. Connecting with each other as a couple, and not as two parents passing each other in the middle of the night, can bring you closer together and reignite that spark that you felt pre-baby.

Give him hell: IF you are giving your husband all of these things and he still isn’t stepping up to the plate, share your feelings of frustration with him. Use classic “I statements” to get your point across. “I feel like I am doing everything by myself around here and getting no support.” “I wait eagerly for you to come home and then I feel like you aren’t tuning in to the baby and me.” “I am really struggling. I could use more help.” You get the picture – you can be assertive and direct and still keep your cool. Then go back to #3 and be specific about your needs and wants.

You may be reading this and thinking, None of this describes my husband. He is the best co-parent in the world! If that is the case, great! But if you are feeling the annoyances that many new mothers experience, refrain from beating yourself up and give these suggestions a try. You might find yourself falling in love all over again with that man whom you call your husband.

Here’s to Sanity and Netflix,

Kirsten

Playing Favorites :: Monday Musing

January 5, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

My family was cruising along in our car the other day when my 6 year-old piped up, “Mom, are you going in to the office tonight or are you staying home with us?”

“Staying home buddy,” I replied.

“Yay!” he squealed with an enthusiasm that implied that I am never, ever home. Which is amusing since I am almost always home. “I want you to give me a bath. And read books to me. And put me to bed. Ok, Mom? Ok?”

“What am I? Chopped liver?” my husband chimed in. ”What’s wrong with me putting you to bed?” He was mostly joking. But he also had a tone of genuine curiosity that communicated, what exactly does your mom do better than me?

He didn’t get his answer. The conversation quickly moved to the cool red Mustang that was racing by in the fast lane. Undistracted by the sports car, my mind was left on the subject of favorites. I understand why my boys favor me when it comes to daily routines. I’m kinder and gentler… some would say a pushover. I gave birth to them. I breastfed them. I woke up with them in the middle of the night, over and over and over again. My body is softer, my tone is softer… I’m just soft.

Truth be told, there have been times when I’ve wanted to stand in the middle of the room and scream, “I don’t want to be anyone’s favorite right now! Hand’s off, people. Back away from the mothership. Fend for yourself. I need some space!”

When I start feeling that way, I know it’s time to schedule a meeting or a girl’s night, and excuse myself for a few hours. Turning on Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” and doing a crazy, gyrating dance in the kitchen also does wonders.

My husband, Todd, takes our boys’ favoritism with a grain of salt. He is usually quite happy to say, “You want your mom? Great. I have things to do in the garage,” and saunter out of the house with a satisfied look on his face. Perhaps he shrugs off their requests for mama because he knows their opinions and preferences change as frequently as the Texas weather. He’s well aware that they switch allegiances when convenient, declaring their devotion to Daddy. Dad’s better at teaching us how to ride a bike, Mom. Dad lets us order root beer, Mom. Dad will be able to fix that when he gets home. Dad’s just better, Mom…

He really is better sometimes. There are days when I come home from work, and I notice the wide smiles. My three men have been out and about on some adventure and they did just fine. In fact, more than just fine. It’s those moments when I know the favoritism is fleeting and shallowly anchored at best. Our boys love their mom and dad equally and benefit from our unique strengths, even if they don’t always recognize it.

When you have a family of distinctive individuals (and not uniform robots) there will be a natural flow in the relationships. Sometimes your children will instinctively lean toward you. Other times it will be your partner. Sometimes one of your kids will seem like an angel flown in from heaven, who can’t do anything wrong. Wait a few days and that same child might resemble a demon, determined to make your life a living hell. Resist the urge to latch onto permanent labels such as “easier child”, “better parent”, “Daddy’s girl”, or “Mommy’s boy”. When we put ourselves or our children in these favoritism-tinged boxes, we limit our family’s ability to flex and evolve with changing circumstances. Instead of buying into favoritism, go with the flow and focus on simply loving. Your family might resemble lumpy, uneven cake batter at times, but with consistent love and warmth, everything will sweetly even out in the end.

Here’s to Sanity and Shaking It Off,

Kirsten

Free-Range Helicopter :: Monday Musing

August 7, 2014 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Wander over to the parenting section of a bookstore, and you’ll find shelves crammed with various child-rearing philosophies: Attachment Parenting, Slow Parenting, Tiger Parenting. Everyone has advice to give and they often seem to contradict each other. You’re not alone if you find this to be overwhelming. Occasionally I’ll find a gem of a book or a website and commit to doing things differently. For the most part, I’ve learned to avoid that section of the book store all together. I find that the best advice comes from my friends who are in the trenches with me.

The parenting style that has been getting the most negative press these days is Helicopter Parenting. You’ve heard about it, the tendency of modern day moms and dads to hover over their children continually, preventing them from taking risks and making their own choices or failing. The critics argue that our generation is raising kids who lack independence and initiative. Little robotic clones who only move with direction and never learn their own limits. I see evidence of these claims in my therapy practice. I often work with young people who struggle to apply for jobs, cope with stress, or make major life decisions on their own.

The push-back to the hovering helicopter is another buzz-worthy term, Free-Range Parenting. Just like chickens, the free-range proponents encourage parents to unleash their children and let them wander and explore independently. Kids are allowed to stumble and often get hurt, in hopes of teaching them self-regulation and natural boundaries. But here’s the deal: although this form of hipster parenting has plenty of positive attributes, I have also seen some negative after-effects in my practice. Many of my clients who were raised in the “kids are meant to play outside all day” 20th century, have been victims of various forms of sexual abuse or neglect and are still trying to heal from the trauma. I often wonder aloud how their parents missed the red-flags indicating that their kids were in trouble. I also wonder if helicopter parenting was born in response to the neglect that many X-Generation parents experienced.

Ask my husband about my parenting style and he would say that I do a constant dance between helicopter and free-range. Sometimes I’m a nervous wreck about the amount of candy or screen time my kids have ingested in one day. Other times, I’m THAT mom, who allows my kids to skateboard down our steep-as-a-ski-slope driveway or explore our large neighborhood (sewer drains included) on their own. Most of the time, I attempt to land somewhere in the middle. Kind of like a free-range helicopter who soars calmly overhead, keeping a watchful eye on the activities below, swooping in only when I see signs of serious danger or distress.

Parenting is not an exact science. We waste a lot of emotional energy when we try to be perfect child-rearing specimens who follow all of the latest trends and research. My advice is to allow yourself to flex back and forth as a parent, learning and growing as your child grows. Read the books and web articles, take the advice of your friends but in the end, observe your kids. They will let you know whether you are hovering too closely or needing to build more fences around their virtual chicken coop. Free-Range Helicopter or Slow Tiger, in the end what matters most is that you remain conscious and loving… the rest will usually float (or flutter) into place.

Here’s to Sanity and Chickens,

Kirsten

Want to read more? Here are two great essays on the subject from other blogging mamas:

In Defense of Helicopter Parenting

Risk Assessment: The Case for Free-Range Parenting

I’d Die For Them – A Modern Family’s Tale :: Monday Musing

June 23, 2014 By: babyproofedparents3 Comments

Occasionally at BPP we make things personal. Our hope is that revealing some of our own struggles and triumphs will resonate with and inspire you. Cheryl submitted this essay to the Gay Dad Project, an online resource for families in which one parent has come out as LGBTQ. The Gay Dad Project provides a safe space for families to tell their stories, connect and raise awareness. We decided her essay was worth sharing with you too.

I’d Die For Them – A Modern Family’s Tale

It’s easy to say you’d die for your kids. It seems standard to parenting – this unflinching belief that you’d throw yourself between them and the train or the rabid dog, drape your body over them as the tornado touches down, over the grenade as it detonates. We visualize these scenes and marvel at our selfless love. I’d reflexively sacrifice my life for them.

What I marvel at now? How much harder it is to sacrifice my ego. Even for one day. If I died, I wouldn’t have to witness the aftermath. Living, I have to watch the steady impact of how ill-prepared I feel for navigating the four of us through this alternative universe of modern family-ism.

Before J and I married, we had a secret exchange. Facing each other on his twin bed, I learned about his bisexuality, and he learned about my painfully colorful past. We offered each other absolution and acceptance. I fell in love with his jawline and his way of sitting quietly next to me whenever I cried or screamed. We plowed ahead for 13 sweet years, helping each other heal and deprogram the shame we’d been fed a steady diet of since birth. We started to outgrow the construct of our marriage when we had our daughter, and when we had our son two years later, we combusted. I never recovered my desire to be intimate with him after my first pregnancy. I blamed hormones, stress, my history of detaching emotionally, anything I could find to avoid seeing what was slowly changing right in front of me. His lifelong fight to live comfortably in our hetero world and inflate the slight side of himself that was attracted to women was diminishing.

At bedtime, we tell our children, “We love you no matter what.” He sat in duplicity night after night – saying it to our daughter and son, but incapable of saying it to himself. While he silently swallowed back his knowing and his fear, I started having feelings for another man, rendering my explanations for my lack of libido moot. Then there was the night. I walked into the house, took his hand, led him away from the roasted chicken sitting on the table and into our bedroom. I spilled my guts. 48 hours of crying and talking and yelling and silence later, he came out.

I can’t begin to fathom J’s pain, and it’s not mine to share. My grief was rage. My tears were sweat. Buckets of it, spilled on weights at the gym, on the streets of our neighborhood as I ran in the dark watching the houses wake up, on one tiny square of kitchen floor tile as I danced late at night like a rave maniac raising blisters on the soles of my feet. Music blared into my ears, as loud as I could get it. I exponentially worsened the hearing damage inflicted in college when Gibby Haynes came onstage firing blanks from a shotgun. I was trying to move my body away from this new reality and drown out the sound of breaking.

Regarding perspectives, I’m Team Frankl: they’re chosen, and I prefer mine fresh. My ego begged me to make J’s sexuality personal. “See? You knew this risk all along. You signed up to get duped. You’re not woman enough to sustain him.” But it’s not about me. It’s not about him. It’s about freedom. The freedom to choose: live a facade, or acknowledge that something big grew from within us and had to break our construct into a million pieces if any of us were to evolve. How strong is the father of my children? He’s more masculine than many straight men I know, because he had the balls to reveal his true identity to himself, his religion, his family, and in what now feels like a gift, to me. And I got to receive the gift first.

It’s fitting. Our friendship became lust at Six Flags Over Texas. Our split went down roller-coaster style, as we held hands and eye contact, and stepped out over the abyss. We’re slowly guiding two gorgeous little people through what it’s like to live with parents who sometimes have no clue who we are. We narrate as we go, answering their 3 and 5-year-old questions with the constant underscore, “Your parents respect and love each other, and give each other freedom.” We’re fearfully and proudly living as a modern family: divorced part-time housemates/besties/co-parents rotating through the home where our kids live full time and an apartment where we individually live part-time. You’d just have to see it to understand it, but it’s beautiful and it works. We surround ourselves with people who support us. And love those who don’t, but politely remind them where our door is located should they need it.

If we’d give up our lives for our kids, can we give up our egos and our grand plans and our “situations”? Because what are those things anyway? Especially when they’re situated comparatively next to evolution, freedom and love? Give me huge servings of the latter.

All Hands On Deck :: Tuesday Tip

April 22, 2014 By: babyproofedparents3 Comments

Safety Czar in Action

Shhh… don’t tell him I said this, but in many ways, my husband is a better parent than me. (Did I really just admit that? Oh, yes I did.) When it comes to consistency and common sense, Todd is unflappable. In our home, we not-so-affectionately refer to him as “The Safety Czar” for his uncanny ability to detect all hazardous activities (indoor frisbee and stair sledding, to name a few) and sternly put a halt to them. When the man says, ‘NO’, he means it. And whenever we need to make a big transition involving the kids, such as switching bedrooms or sleep training, Todd is sent in to present a strong, unwavering front.

In spite of these parenting strengths, I discovered soon after the birth of our first child that there is one task my husband is NOT good at: coping with interrupted sleep. The times he took the night shift with our fussy, gassy infant were the times he woke up grumpy as a toddler on a long road trip. I quickly figured out that if I stayed up and soothed our little baby, my hubby would greet me with a smile, a good mood and a fresh pot of coffee in the morning… and my whole day would go a heck of a lot better.

Kinder, gentler parent.

While we’re on the subject of my parenting strengths (Ahem), I will argue that I’m a kinder, gentler kind of parent. I get down on my kids’ level and try to figure out the interesting logic working itself out in their little brains. I have a checklist, calendar, and figurative social-media feed running in my head at all times. And I somehow have the magic ability to predict the future because I always know how many changes of clothes and snacks to throw in the diaper bag, and how many meltdowns to prepare for. (I know many of you have this magic ability as well.)

You would think that with all of these opposing strengths, my husband and I would make a dynamite parenting team. But there have been MANY times in our marriage and our parenting journey that we have found ourselves at odds with each other. While one of us is focused on safety or doing things correctly, the other is focused on having a good time or being sweet. At times, we have accused each other of not pulling enough weight. I’ll be honest; these differing perspectives have made for some big ol’ disagreements.

Cheryl to the rescue. She calmly helped me put our parenting woes into perspective one day. “Kirsten,” she said, “You’re kind of like a Cruise Director. You’re focused on everyone having a good time and being well-fed and well-rested. Todd’s the Captain of the Ship. He is more interested in keeping everyone afloat and getting them to the port safely. Both of you want the cruise to be successful, but you are just focused on different aspects of the journey.”

By golly, she was right. Cheryl has said a lot of wise things, but this particular analogy won the “ah-ha moment” prize.

Working in Unison: Cruise Director and Captain

Working in Unison Aboard the Love Boat

When Todd and I began to see ourselves as being assigned to different roles on the same boat, it helped us to divvy up tasks accordingly and resent each other less.

Yes, it is crucial for you and your parenting partner to back each other up, to parent in a consistent manner, and to both chip in with child-rearing and household duties. But it is also OK and beneficial for each of you to utilize your individual strengths and balance each other out. Your kids don’t need you to be clones of each other – they can learn from your varied approaches and benefit from your unique styles. Maybe you feel most comfortable as the ship chef, the entertainment director or the housekeeping expert. Figure out what you and your partner do best and then give each other room to be the finest parents you can be. Smoother sailing and calm childhood seas will be the end result. And you might just deliver your kids to the port of adulthood in one, well-rounded piece.

BPP Sanity Savers:

Keep in mind that you and your parenting partner are working toward the same end goal of raising healthy, happy kids. Identify what each of you do best, split up jobs accordingly and be open to feedback or concerns when your partner wants to re-evaluate how things are being handled.
Regularly praise your partner for their strengths (especially if they are different from yours), learn from what they do well and present a united front to your kids.
If you are a single parent, introduce other trusted adults into your family that have unique strengths and perspectives that your kids can benefit from.

Here’s to strength, sanity and smooth sailing,

Kirsten

The real captain, cruise director and 1st mate.

The real cruise director, captain and 1st mate.