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Learning Sign Language with Signing Time :: Wednesday Wisdom

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Meet Rachel Coleman. She is the mother of two exceptional children. Leah (18) is deaf, and Lucy (15) has cerebral palsy and spina bifida. Rachel’s desire to create a world where children can communicate regardless of their abilities (or disabilities) led her to co-create and host the DVD, public television, and Netflix series “Signing Time!” for which she received an Emmy nomination in 2008. Rachel also co-created and hosts Baby Signing Time, and Rachel & The TreeSchoolers. Rachel is a mentor and source of inspiration for countless families around the world who have children with disabilities. We are thrilled to feature her on the BPP site because our children grew up watching her teach sign-language on PBS. She is a celebrity to our children and an inspiration to us grown-ups!

BPP: On your website, you tell the story about how the “Signing Time!” television series was born. Can you share a little bit with our readers about your amazing family and how you ended up becoming America’s most beloved sign-language teacher?

RC: My daughter Leah was one-year-old when we realized she was deaf. Since she was only one, we thought it would be best to communicate using American Sign Language. Even if she could hear, we reasoned, she wouldn’t be speaking at such a young age. Turns out it was the smartest choice we made. It seemed obvious to us; she can’t hear, she can see, she has great fine motor skills. It would have felt crazy to me to start trying to teach her English, since she couldn’t hear me at all.

Her cousin, Alex Brown was born shortly after we found out Leah was deaf, so my sister began signing with Alex on day one.

Over the next three years, Leah’s language skills and ability to communicate were nothing short of astounding. At age two, she knew the alphabet in order (in ASL). She was reading written words, because some every day objects don’t have a sign, so you fingerspell them. She initiated amazing conversations about the world around her and her perspective about the world! This ability to communicate, without tantrums, tears, or upset, fostered a real respect between our child and us.

Alex and Leah

Alex and Leah

When Leah was age four, I could see that socially she was becoming more isolated. It doesn’t matter to your playmates if you are deaf at age one, two or three. Around age four they start to notice. It was at this time that I began to start thinking about a way to alleviate the fear, nervousness and worry that others had when they realized she couldn’t hear them. I started with an ASL Story Time at a local co-op preschool. These students interacted with Leah in the community. They were the kids she saw at the park. They played on her soccer team. The results surprised me. With just a few signs, the other children were no longer afraid. They were empowered and courageous!

BPP: Early on, you realized that sign language could be beneficial to all families with young children, not just your own young family of four. Can you share how parents can use signs to communicate more effectively with their young babies and toddlers? 

RC: I see signing as an essential parenting tool, but only if you are interested in fewer tantrums, early and independent potty training, and having a consistent and silent behavior management tool. Are you interested in your youngster learning all of their preschool skills before they can even talk? Early literacy and learning a second language all have benefits and I built that into “Signing Time!” Are you sold yet?

Many moms already feel overwhelmed with their circumstances, living situation, finances, and especially if your child has any special needs. It really can seem like signing is a “luxury” that can only be learned by moms who have plenty of time.

I’ve heard that excuse and others, over and over again, because my child is deaf. “I would love to learn to sign, but I just don’t have the time!” That is also at the heart of “Signing Time!” I don’t waste time. Why? Because I am a busy mom too! I quickly and effectively teach you 18-25 signs in a 30-minute episode. I teach you in a way that will help you to actually remember the signs, without studying, without the additional time away from your family driving to and from a class. Your children will begin to initiate this learning experience, because it’s something you get to do together. They want to spend time with you. Signing forces you to put down your phone, turn away from the screen and look into your child’s eyes as they look into yours. Signing with your children fosters real communication in a day and age when that seems to be disappearing.

BPP: You have a background as a lead singer in a folk rock band. What was it like to transition from stage musician to TV and instructional video host?

RC: I promise, I had no idea that this was what I was going to do “when I grew up.” I quit doing music shortly after Leah was diagnosed as profoundly deaf. I just didn’t have the heart to spend time pursuing something that might be lost on her.

When my sister, Emilie Brown and I created “Signing Time!” we really thought 4-year-old, Leah and 3-year-old, Alex, would host it. That’s how we shot it. In the edit bay we realized they were terrible at modeling the signs! No one would learn anything from them. Emilie looked at me and said, “It’s you. You are the one.”

I resisted that. For years I resisted. Every time we filmed a new episode I declared, “Well, that’s it! Who could possibly want more than 3 episodes of Signing Time!” The next time around, “Well that is it! Who could possibly want more than 6 episodes of Signing Time!” We’ve been creating “Signing Time!” for 15 years now. Leah is 18 and I just took her to Rochester, New York and helped her set up her college dorm room. Alex is 17 and a senior in high school. They are still best cousins and best friends.

Leah and Alex, all grown up.

Alex and Leah, all grown up.

I am now completely settled with the fact that I grew up to be “Rachel Coleman, from Signing Time.” I am “Leah’s Mom.” I am also “The Signing Lady.” Some kids keep it simple and call me “Signing Time” when they see me. Just last week my niece, Mercy, said to her mom, my sister Sarah, in a hushed voice, “Mom, that’s Rachel and the TreeSchoolers!”

BPP: Signing Time has been featured for many years on PBS and Nick Jr.. What is it like to be a celebrity in the world of children’s programming? Do people recognize you when you are out and about?

RC: I am always shocked that people recognize me. I don’t go around in life expecting people to know who I am. I’m not an A-list, or B-list or even M-list celebrity.

I am a mom. I am a wife. I am a sister. I am a daughter. I am a business owner. I am a creator. I am always creating, brainstorming, fundraising, crowd-funding, tweeting, posting, sharing, fine-tuning, marketing, writing songs and writing scripts.

Sometimes it’s like drinking out of a fire hose. I used to complain about being so busy, and say things like “I wish things would finally calm down.” I realized that just isn’t true. I love traveling, performing, and writing songs. I love the families I get to meet when I am doing concerts. I schedule 2-3 hours to meet everyone after each show, and I’ve done over 200 live concerts.

If all I get is this one life, I am happy with how I’m living it. I give children a “voice.” We give families peace. Some of my Signing Time fans may never be able to say the words, “I love you!” or “thank you” with their voices. I teach them to say that, and so much more with their hands.

BPP: The creation and production of Signing Time is truly a family affair – your husband, sister, brother and father are all involved. Your daughter and nephew were major players in the early videos. Did your kids enjoy being part of the productions? Did they ever lose interest or tell you they didn’t want to be involved any more? 

RC: Just last year we released Signing Time Christmas. This year we will be releasing Signing Time Sentences. These shows star Alex and Leah, as the Signing Time Series always has. Alex and Leah have always been willing to perform for Signing Time, they often make surprise appearances on stage at live Signing Time Concerts and they stay after for the meet and greet. They say, “We are the perfect amount of famous! We get to have fun and kids love us, and we still live normal lives!”

BPP: At times, your shows have been turned down by big studios for being “too educational for television.” What are your thoughts on this criticism? Your fan base seems to disagree. 

RC: At first I saw that as criticism, but if you actually watch many children’s television programs, you’ll likely agree. We pack each moment with multiple concepts delivered through multiple senses. Since we don’t have the massive financial overhead that the studios have, we are able to create our shows without the concern of selling backpacks, food packaging with our characters on it, toys, bedding and the many ancillary items that help fund the huge cost of most children’s television shows. Our shows are created at a fraction of the cost and we are free to deliver plenty of content because we answer to our Signing Time Families, not to a board or to shareholders.

BPP: What are the first five signs that a parent should learn? Is there a video or episode that you recommend to a 1st time parent who has no experience with sign language?

RC: I actually created a product line called “Baby Signing Time!” to answer the needs of 1st time parents with an interest in signing, but are coming to it with no experience. Baby Signing Time teaches you your 100 first signs and concepts in American Sign Language and in English. We cover all of that in just four episodes. That is where you start.

“Signing Time!” is really a preschool skills curriculum. You learn American Sign Language and English for over 1000 words. Each word appears multiple times on the screen, so it’s an early reader, sight word system as well. Signing Time is 26 episodes, 30-minutes each.

We cover colors, counting, alphabet, animals, family members, zoo animals, farm animals, toys, transportation, weather, days of the week, months of the year, sports, signs you need in a school day, signs you need in the morning, afternoon and evening.

I even teach your children how to correctly set the table, and to ask to be excused from the table. We teach manners, hygiene, items of clothing, cleaning up your belongings, helping out around the house, the rooms in your home and the items in those rooms.

Like I said, I’m a busy mom. I write all of the songs to encourage positive behaviors and the songs reinforce your children being kind to others and being responsible for their bodies, their rooms and their belongings.

“Signing Time!”, “Baby Singing Time!” and Rachel & The TreeSchoolers really were created by two very busy moms who are out to make things easier for other busy moms. Here are the links:

www.babysigningtime.com 4 Episodes 100 ASL Signs

www.signingtime.com 26 Episodes 1000 ASL Signs

www.treeschoolers.com 8 Episodes 20-60 signs per episode.

BPP: Along with the award winning sign-language products you mention above, you offer the Signing Time Potty Training system. How can sign language be helpful when a child is transitioning out of diapers?

RC: Your child can understand and communicate the following concepts through sign language, “potty”, “wet”, “dry”, “diaper”, and “clean”, long before they have the ability to say the actual words. A child who can recognize and label what is happening with their body can also communicate those things to you, the caregiver, before it actually happens! Communication is the bridge. Since they cannot yet speak words, the signs help have all of the pieces in place and go beyond words. We have a free app on iTunes “Potty Time” and it is very effective at encouraging, and then reinforcing potty training in a positive way.

BPP: You offer an instruction training and certification program for individuals who want to offer sign language courses in their own communities. What has the response been to this program and how can parents find an instructor in their area?

RC: Visit www.signingtime.com/academy to become a Signing Time Academy Instructor, or to find an Instructor and find classes near you. Many of our Signing Time families find themselves telling everyone around them about Signing Time. We offer a way for you to share Signing Time with your community by teaching Signing Time Classes and selling Signing Time Products. It’s an amazing group of people who really care about supporting each other and making a difference in their communities.

BPP: Your daughters (all three of them!) have grown up to be beautiful, independent, intelligent young women. Do you have any words of wisdom or advice for parents who are raising children born with a disability? Or any advice for new parents in general?

RC: It’s going to be okay. Really! Breathe, play, relax, and enjoy your children. It’s going to be okay.

Rachel Coleman is TRULY a busy lady. We are so appreciative that she took the time to connect with us on the blog and share just a bit of her ample wisdom and positive energy. Thank you Rachel! We look forward to seeing you singing, signing and teaching ASL for many years to come. – Kirsten ♥ 

Follow Rachel on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/signingtimerachel

Follow Baby Signing Time! on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/babysigningtime

Follow Signing Time! on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/signingtime

And be sure to check out all of Rachel’s amazing shows, programs and products at: http://www.signingtime.com/

How Do You Fret? The 8 Types of New Parent Worries :: Monday Musing

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anxiety new parent

Anxiety is a completely normal part of being a new parent. In fact, the worrying often begins before your child ever enters this world. During my first pregnancy, I remember being in a constant state of wonder. Wondering if my baby was healthy. Wondering if I would carry him full-term. Wondering if the birth would go as planned with no complications. So many things to wonder and fret about. It is enough to make the most Zen person in the world feel a little nutty.

After the baby arrives, many parents find themselves feeling anxious about a whole new class of concerns. I like to categorize these fears into 8 categories. I’ve listed the worries below with tips for combatting them (and experts to turn to when you need more help):

1. Control: Before we become parents, most of us feel an illusion of control. You control when you eat, when you sleep and how you take care of yourselves. When you conceive a child, you might suddenly feel like you are driving blind. You can’t see what is going on in your belly and you are expected to trust – that everything is OK. When the baby enters the world, no matter how much you want breastfeeding, sleeping and pooping to go exactly as planned, it often doesn’t. For anyone who considers themself to be a “control freak” (ahem… ME), life with a newborn can feel like unpredictable mayhem.

Suggestion: This is a great opportunity to surrender some of the control you have always grasped onto. Children force us to let go, follow our instincts and trust that we are going to figure things out as we go along. Things might not always go as planned, but they almost always turn out to be just fine. Reach out for help and guidance when needed. You don’t have to run this show completely on your own.

2. Safety: I visited a friend this summer who had a sweet, nine month old baby. She showed me this amazing mesh mattress in the baby’s crib that is supposed to reduce the risk of SIDS and suffocation. Listening to her talk about crib safety, I was reminded of my own safety-related fears. Fears of electrocution, strangulation, suffocation and on and on. If you read the multiple pages of warnings on all of your baby products, it makes you want to enclose your baby in a protective bubble.

Suggestion: Remind yourself that decades of statistics and research have gone into the development of most baby products. And if they prove to not be completely safe, they are quickly recalled. Read the guidelines, baby proof your home and then remind yourself that you kiddo is actually pretty sturdy. Staring at the baby monitor non-stop will often create more anxiety, so give your eyes and mind a rest when needed.

3. Germs & Illness: Most of us new parents get a big scare about germs immediately after our baby is born. We are cautioned to not let our little infant be held by anyone who is sick. We are also cautioned to not take them out and about until they are completely sturdy and immunized. Although this is wise advice, it is enough to make most moms want to hide in a cave with their infant and drench any visitors in hand sanitizer.

Suggestions: Follow your health care provider’s guidelines. But when you are given the go ahead to get out and about, do so! The fresh air and companionship will be good for both you and baby. Plus, many healthcare experts agree that exposing your older baby to germs and even illness is exactly what helps them to build a strong immune system.

4. Schedules: I made the mistake of reading The Baby Whisperer Book before the birth of my 2nd baby. After studying the prescribed sleep plan, I was determined to get my new baby on a very structured sleeping schedule from a very young age. Ummm, no. The more I tried to force my little guy on some sort of schedule, the more he fought it and the more anxious both of us became. That wasn’t the only schedule I felt anxious about; I was also closely watching the clock when it came to feeding and pooping.

Suggestions: Some babies fall very easily into a predictable structured schedule. Some babies, whether it be due to illness, colic, or temperament, will be all over the place at first. Don’t stress out too much about keeping things precisely on time. Most babies will eventually ease themselves into a somewhat steady schedule. Until then, go with the flow and reach out for help if you are feeling like you or your baby aren’t getting enough sleep or nourishment. (Reach out to our favorite sleep consultant, Lori at Strong Little Sleepers if needed.)

5. Comparisons: New parents are notorious for playing the comparison game. We watch when our friends’ babies roll over, sit up and walk. And then we compare them to our own babies. Both of my boys were late when it came to crawling and walking. But you know what? Now I can’t hold them back from running all over the neighborhood.

Suggestion: Resist the urge to compare. Just don’t. Babies all evolve and develop at their own pace. Remind yourself that everything and everyone tends to even out in the end. If you have concerns about your child’s development, express them to your pediatrician.

6. The “Right Way”: With my first baby in particular, I really wanted to do things the right way. Don’t ask me what that meant. I guess I wanted to follow some sort of best practices. The problem is that no one can agree on what those best practices are. Each baby book is slightly different. Each baby, home and set of circumstances is very different.

Suggestions: Find books, educators and providers that feel like a fit for you. Follow their suggestions, but remember that you will have to adjust as you go. No one will know your baby better than you do. Ultimately, you will become the expert on what is the right thing for your little one.

7. “Good Baby”: I hear new parents say this all the time: “She/he is a really good baby.” I cringe a little when I hear this because I wonder what it means to have a baby that is not good or a baby that is bad. Parents who have babies with colic or reflux may feel like they have failed in producing an easy infant. But that doesn’t mean that their baby is bad or a failure.

Suggestions: Babies are born with little individual temperaments. They also encounter challenges such as food intolerances and growth spurts. Resist the urge to slap any kind of label on your little one. Some of the most challenging newborns turn out to be the most angelic toddlers.

8. Feeding: This is a very common source of anxiety for new parents. When you start out with breastfeeding, it is tricky to know if your little one is getting enough nourishment. A lot of trust and practice is involved. Later when your baby starts solids, you might find yourself asking the same questions again: Is my little one getting enough food? Is she/he growing and thriving? How much is the right amount?

Suggestions: If you’re taking your little one to regular wellness checks, your doctor will be able to tell you if your baby is where they need to be. Usually they are. But if feeding is a constant source of anxiety for you, do not hesitate to reach out for more assistance or just plain reassurance. Brian the Birth Guy is one of our favorite lactation consultants. And Cheryl from Taste & See Healthy Baby Food is an excellent resource when is comes to solids.

Although some anxiety is a normal part of new parenthood, and will typically decrease with time, there are a small portion of new parents who find their worries growing until they are feel out of control. If your anxiety is interfering with your sleep or daily functioning, don’t feel like you have to cope on your own. Reach out for help and get the support you need. Both you and your baby will benefit.

Here’s to Sanity and Reaching Out,

Kirsten

4 Tips for Falling In Love with Your In-Laws :: Tuesday Tip

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I hear it all the time from my baby-raising clients. Whether they are a brand new mom or a veteran parent, they often report challenges with their in-laws, specifically their mother-in-law. The complaints range from mom-in-laws being too involved to not involved enough. Sometimes the mother-in-law criticizes the mom’s parenting style or ignores it all together. The most frequent complaint I hear: Grandma is spoiling my kids – too many toys, too much sugar, not enough sleep.

My two young boys already claim to have girlfriends (Eeek! 1st and 4th grade. Really people?) This has caused me to face the music. One day, in what I hope is the not-so-near future, I too will probably be a mother-in-law. Which leads me to explore the reasons why the mother-in-law/mother relationship is so notoriously challenging:

Reason #1: There are no in-laws in nature. Think about it. Humans are one of a kind when it comes to the layers of family members who love on a little baby. Due to the lack of precedence in the animal kingdom, it makes sense that it is a tricky relationship for humans to sort out.

Reason #2: Generation gap. My kids are 10 and 7 and I am already amazed at how infant care trends have changed since I gave birth a decade ago. What was the norm for a grandma 30 or 40 years ago may be very old news when a grandchild enters the world. Breastfeeding, baby food, sleep methods, parenting and discipline philosophies – everything in this era of modern parenting changes so much more rapidly than it did 100 years ago.

Reason #3: Different families & backgrounds. A mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law come from two completely different upbringings and personal histories, especially in this age in which people don’t just marry the kid that lives down the block from them. We partner up with people from different cities, states and even countries. It makes sense that the way you and your mother-in-law approach the tasks of cooking, homemaking and parenting might be slightly, if not totally, different.

Reason #4: Power struggle. Whether it is subtle or overt, it’s normal for there to be a mild tug-o-war over influence and control when a new grandchild is brought into the world. A mother-in-law was a mother, first and foremost. She gave birth, raised babies and sent them off into the world. She’s been there, done that and has the stretch marks and worry lines to show for it. Now she gets to watch someone else nurture her kin as a daughter-in-law takes the maternal helm of her own family. Letting go of control is key. This transition can be a beautiful process that brings everyone closer. It can also cause tension if this subtle transfer of power is met with resistance or bitterness.

So now that you understand the possible reasons for the “in-law challenges”, you are probably thinking, what the heck do I do about it? How can my in-laws and I get on the same page? Here are our 4 Tips for Falling In Love:

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Tip #1: Look for intentions behind the actions. Nine times out of ten, your in-laws are trying as hard as they can to express as much love as possible for their grandchildren. This may come in different forms – 2 scoops of ice cream right before bed, 10 flashy, new toys every time they come for a visit, or 5 sets of unsolicited advice regarding how to care for a baby. Remember that their gestures of love will not veto or replace the consistent routines you are establishing in your home. A little excess love, spoiling and even advice (whether heeded or not) won’t hurt in the long run.

Tip #2: Set clear expectations with your in-laws. Together with your partner, decide on boundary issues that you both feel strongly about. These rules and guidelines will probable revolve around topics like safety, discipline, visiting, feeding, bedtime, and TV/movie/technology guidelines. Communicate these guidelines to the grandparents so that everyone is on the same page. Allow leeway and variation when you feel comfortable.

Tip #3: Express concerns/frustrations when needed. If you have a beef with how your in-law’s are handling something, don’t let your frustrations stew! Keep your cool and voice your concerns, in a tactful and non-confrontational manner. Get your partner’s buy in and involve him/her in the conversation if possible. Explain to your in-laws that you know they have done the parenting thing before, but that you have to sort it out on your own. Add in that you’d love their respect and cooperation as you and your partner learn how to raise little people in your own, customized way. We’re talking about your kid and your little family, right? So in the end, you get to call the shots.

Tip #4: Know when to let go. My mother-in-law was a strong, intelligent and inspirational woman who lost her life to cancer 7 years ago. Before she passed away, she would watch my infant son on a regular basis – eating up every second of her time with him. I’d be lying if I said she and I didn’t experience a few power struggles over baby food, TV viewing and sleep routines. Looking back, I now see that she was coming from a place of absolute and unconditional love. I feel sadness when I know that my 7 yr. old will never get a chance to meet her.

When you’re experiencing challenges with your in-laws, step back and take a long view of the struggles. Most kids benefit from as much love as they can get, even if it doesn’t look and feel exactly the same between the parents and the grandparents. Speak up when you need to… but step back and let go when you can. And if they’re offering babysitting, take them up on it. You and your partner can use a date night – counselor’s orders!

Here’s to Sanity and Two Scoops of Ice Cream,

Kirsten

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PS: Recognize the featured photo of Jennifer and Jane? It’s from the 2005 flick, Monster-in-Law. Not critically acclaimed but a good laugh and relatable to many!

7 Universal Truths of Parenting a Newborn :: Monday Musing

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Universal truths new parent

When you have a new baby, you realize a few things: Every birth story is unique. Every newborn has his/her own little personality and individual needs. Each couple goes about the task of parenting in their own customized way. In spite of all of these differences, there are seven truths that almost all new parents will encounter. We list them out here and give you suggestions for dealing with them:

1. You’ll be sleep-deprived for a period of time. Newborns have to eat throughout the night. Sleep patterns don’t get established for several months. Your normal sleep patterns will be disturbed. Suggestions: Take naps and sleep when you can. Take turns getting up with the baby. Remind yourself that things will improve.

2. You will have to work as a team more than ever. A new baby is a two-person job. While one person changes a diaper, the other one can make coffee. While one rests, the other can hold the newborn. Suggestions: View your new infant as a team project. You two can take on this challenge together and you will be stronger as a couple as a result. If you are a single parent, surround yourself with supportive helpers who can give you breaks when needed.

3. There will be a learning curve. Both you and your baby have to figure out how things are going to work. Things won’t go perfectly at first… and every time you get something sorted out, everything will change. Suggestions: Be patient with yourself, your partner and your baby. Don’t expect things to run completely smoothly right off the bat.

4. You and your partner will feel closer than ever at times and more distant than ever at times. Seeing your partner care for an infant is a beautiful thing, and you might find yourself feeling more attracted than ever. On the other hand, a newborn requires a lot of attention, which takes time away from connecting with each other. Suggestions: Connect with each other when you can. A hug. A cuddle on the couch. Remind yourself and your partner that this is all temporary!

5. There will be emotional ups and downs. Hormones, sleep-deprivation, frustration and anxiety can make both parents (but especially mom) feel emotional. This is normal and will get better with time. Suggestions: Let the feelings flow and offer each other comfort and understanding. If feelings of depression or anxiety seem insurmountable, talk to your doctor or a counselor.

6. Your parenting will be influenced by the parenting you received. Your parents were your first role model. Sometimes this creates anxiety if your childhood was less than perfect or if your relationship is strained with your parents. Other times, you might feel confidence and optimism – perhaps you have super fond memories of your childhood. Know that your feelings about parenting, negative or positive, were influenced by your childhood, but that you can mold yourself into the parent you want to be. Suggestions: Decide how you want to do things differently and how you want to do things exactly the same.

7. Things will get easier. They will. As the months and years pass by, you will have more time to yourself and more time with each other. And you will appreciate it more than ever. You will also feel more confident as a parent. Give yourself a high five for becoming a parent! You can do this.

Here’s to Sanity and The Universe,

Kirsten

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“I’m Not Your Mama, Daddy” – Clear Roles for Better Sex :: Tuesday Tip

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You’ll hear us say it over and over – being a new parent can be all-encompasing.  From personal hygiene to personal identity, a new baby rules most aspects of brand new moms’ and dads’ lives.  This crash course in nurturing helps us quickly hone the skills necessary to keep our helpless little ones alive and healthy.  It’s normal to feel that nurturing spilling over to our partners throughout our journey of co-parenting: cutting food into bite-sized chunks for our toddler accidentally results in cutting up food for our obviously capable spouse, “Goo-goo gah-gah what a big boy!” could technically be said to either a baby or a man, and don’t get me started on diapers.  In some cases, this excess nurturing is helpful, making us more attentive, affectionate and patient with each other.  But in other cases, it can completely deflate the sexy factor.  Here are three ways to keep our parent/partner roles distinct, keeping attraction heated up:

1.  Create time and space.  Numbers 2 and 3 are contingent upon this.  If you are struggling with postpartum issues, are sleep deprived, or your baby is going through an exceptionally fussy or difficult stage, survival will be the priority.  Don’t pressure yourself to be in the mood, but DO work on hiring childcare or enlisting support from family and friends.  You need a break from your little one to reconnect with your partner, even if it’s just a very short outing together and the only physical contact is a short make out session in the car.

2.  Mentally/Emotionally separate your role as a parent from your role as a partner.  Think about what feels good and when.  Yes, being nurtured and treated with sweetness is nice, but when it comes to sex, we want to be seduced.  Not with baby talk, but with direct, heated, “I want you, NOW,” messages.  If you’re in the mood and about to approach your partner, make that mental shift by assuring yourself the baby’s needs are being met, and for the moment, compartmentalizing your parenting identity, letting your adult, sexual self take the wheel.  Use your first names or pre-baby pet names instead of referring to each other as “Mommy” or “Daddy” – the way you might habitually when talking with your littles.

3.  Physically separate your role as a parent from your role as a partner.  When possible, schedule a sitter and get out of the house for a nice, romantic dinner.  If it’s a night in, take extra time to shower, change out of your sweat pants and into something inviting.  Partners – if you notice Mom is a little haggard and covered in spit up, offer to run a hot bath and pour a glass of wine for her, giving her time and incentive to transition from Mommy Town.  Use foreplay techniques like massage, long hugs, listening and folding/putting away laundry before initiating sex.

Here’s to Sanity and Inviting Pants,

Cheryl

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And Baby Makes Three… Not Two :: Monday Musing

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“Heeeey Kirsten and Cheryl…. Give me a call when you have a chance! I want to tell you what I’m hearing from all the dads.”

That’s an abridged version of the voice mail we get every few weeks from Brian the Birth Guy. Brian gets to hang out with hundreds of dads and parenting partners every month through his Rocking Dads Childbirth Classes and the doula work he provides to couples. If he hears consistent themes and messages coming from these new parents, he gives us a ring. How cool is that? We have our own anecdotal field-research source, wrapped up in Brian’s contagious enthusiasm.

The last time we spoke to the Birth Guy, he filled us in on two concerns he was hearing from many of his new dads:

Concern #1: “I can’t get baby away from mom long enough to bond with her/him.” Brian explained that many dads feel like they don’t get the opportunity to connect with or learn how to soothe their newborn because their partners spend so much time getting the hang of breastfeeding and connecting with baby. Then, when mom is ready to go get a haircut or go out for a quick coffee or GNO, Dad feels helpless and unprepared to watch or calm their infant.

Concern #2: “I’m worried that co-sleeping with our baby is going to impact our relationship.” Brian said that some couples choose to try co-sleeping, some couples are against it, and some accidentally start doing it and never stop. He said that the problem occurs when one parent is in favor of co-sleeping and one is not. Suddenly there is a literal wedge, in the shape of a sweet little infant, inserted between the pair.

After digesting these new-daddy-woes, I realized that they were both connected to the same challenge: How do you maintain the intimacy and closeness you had pre-baby while simultaneously bonding with and caring for this new little creature? It’s tricky, for sure. Introducing a baby into a relationship changes up everything. As the quirky monster diagram below illustrates, life is fairly simple before starting a family. Bill Withers sang it perfectly, “Just the two of us, building castles in the sky. Just the two of us, you and I.”

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When you add an infant to the picture, it mixes up the flow of things. The baby requires a ton of time and attention, especially from mom if she is trying to breastfeed. The non-breastfeeding partner might feel neglected or left out. Figuring out how to get sleep at night can present more difficulties for the partnership. Mom might find herself sleeping upright with the baby, or bringing the newborn to bed so she can get some rest. Instead of a happy family of three, it can feel like a disjointed partnership with an odd man out at times.

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But it doesn’t have to be that way. It’s possible for mom to bond with baby, for dad to bond with baby AND for mom and dad to stay just as connected and close as they were before their parenting adventure began. Here’s how:

  1. Brainstorm baby-related tasks and routines that dad/parenting partner can be in charge of during the early weeks and months. Some couples start the routine very early of dad giving baby a daily bottle. In her essay, Yes Trespassing, Cheryl wrote about how her kids’ dad, J, did a lovely job of finding ways to be a supportive co-parent and bond with their newborn. He changed the baby’s diaper and swaddled her before feedings, he soothed the baby when Cheryl needed a break and he cared for Cheryl and ran errands when needed. When Cheryl was ready to get out of the house for a few hours, J was ready and able to step in with their little girl.
  1. Make parenting decisions as partners. Parenting is a tough job and you need your right hand man (or woman) to be on your team for the next 18 years. Discuss every decision — what kind of baby carrier to use, whether or not to co-sleep, when to transition to bottles — with your partner so that the buy-in is mutual. Thinks about how these decisions will not only impact your infant but your relationship as well. And remember, you can always adjust and adapt as you go.
  1. Make the relationship a priority. When you’re making the joint decisions listed in #2, keep your relationship at the forefront of your mind. Your partner was in your life before your baby arrived, and hopefully they will be there for a long time afterward. At some point your little one will be a big one and off to preschool, then high school and then suddenly college. Nurturing your relationship and keeping it strong will help you to be a better, happier parent. When you eventually have more freedom to go out on dates or weekend getaways, you won’t find yourself hanging out with a stranger.
  1. Be patient with each other. Give it time. For the first few months and years, your relationship will look and feel different. It’s unavoidable. So hang in there and give each other grace as you figure things out. Remind each other that you are in this together and that neither of you are experts. Give each other encouragement and breaks when needed. Turn to your partner, and in your best Bill Withers croon, reassure them: “We can make it if we try.”

Because you really can make it.  We promise.

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Here’s to Sanity & Building Castles in the Sky,

Kirsten

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Postpartum Survival Guide :: Wednesday Wisdom

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This invaluable list of suggestions for new parents was originally posted on the Austin Born Blog. We loved it so much, we asked if we could share it with our followers. The list was compiled by a group of new mothers who were attending The Circle, a postpartum group offered for when motherhood is not Pinterest perfect.

This new motherhood gig can be tough — we believe that support from our peers is an important part of working through the struggles and ultimately finding joy.  At the last Circle meetup, we talked about how a mother is born every time that a first baby is born. In spite of this truth, becoming a mother is not always something that happens simply and effortlessly. In fact, we are finding that giving birth to this new aspect of our identities is a lot more challenging than we thought it would be, back in our pre-baby days. We all spent a lot of time preparing for the birth of our babies–we took classes, hired doulas, read books, bought stuff–but so little time and energy preparing our selves to become mothers. We wanted to offer some advice to our friends who haven’t had their babies yet, so they could be a bit more prepared than we were. Here is our collective wisdom, from some new mamas to soon-to-be mamas:

Plan.

Don’t wait to figure it out on the fly. Don’t obsess about the birth to the exclusion of what comes after. The birth is one day (maybe two), but your baby will be yours for the rest of your life.

Start now reflecting on your needs and planning ahead for the weeks and months after baby. Think, “Who am I? What things do I need to have space and time to do to feel like myself?” This could be anything from time to read the New York Times on Sunday morning to a chance to go to Target by yourself to whatever floats your boat. What do you need to feel like you? Communicate this to your partner and make it a priority after baby.

Find help and outsource what you can before baby arrives.

Find a new mom group and a lactation consultant before you desperately need them and are too tired and frazzled to search.

Instead of a lot of cute onesies, register for things like a prepared meal service, diaper service, cleaning service, postpartum doula care, and new mom group fees (such as an AustinMama Pass or Partners in Parenting). This kind of stuff is going to help you a lot more than 20 receiving blankets.

Slow down.

You are not going to bounce back to your old life anytime soon after giving birth. You will have more on your plate than you can imagine right now, and the demands of your baby will at times seem overwhelming. Do not expect to do everything or even most things you used to do.

Celebrate the small achievements.

Driving alone with baby for the first time. Waking up before your baby does without panicking that she/he has stopped breathing. Brushing your teeth and taking a shower before noon. Right now you can’t imagine how enormous these accomplishments will seem to you, but when they come, celebrate them. Tell yourself what an amazing job you are doing, and be proud.

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Tell your friends to keep calling you.

Sometimes a big gulf can open up between friends-who-are-now-moms and friends-who-are-child-free. This doesn’t have to be so, and no one really wants it to happen. So tell your friends to keep inviting you to things, but to not take it personally or give up asking if you decline the invitation 9 times out of 10. It is nice to know that people still want you around.

You can’t win.

No matter what choice you make, there will be guilt and blame. If you choose to stay home with your child and not return to paid work right away, you will miss being with people and feeling the sense of accomplishment you used to feel at your job well done. If you choose to return to your outside job, you will feel guilty about leaving your child with others and even about enjoying your time away. This is just one hot-button example, but there are a million parenting decisions to make about feeding/sleeping/diapering/training/clothing/whatever your child, and there will always be a voice in your head and several voices around you telling you that you have chosen wrongly. You have to decide what is right for you, and tell everyone (including your own inner guilt-voice) to shut up.

Every baby is different, and everyone has their own story.

No one has all the answers, because your relationship with your baby is unique. Reading too many baby-care books and mommy blogs can make you crazy. Be kind to yourself. Also be kind to other moms, because you have no idea what they are dealing with. And if you end up caring for your newborn in a way you did not envision yourself doing it, don’t feel guilty. Cut yourself a break, and remember that you are doing the best you can with what you’ve got.

It does get better.

Every new mom struggles with something — don’t believe that anyone’s social media account tells the whole story. What we all put on Facebook is the highlight reel of our lives. It is not reality.

The days of new parenthood are loooooooooong, but with time you will find your way out of the haze and feel more and more like yourself again. Finding community and reminding yourself that you are not alone in this helps tremendously. At least it has for us!

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If you live in Austin and would like to get more of this ongoing support and wisdom, consider putting an AustinMama Pass from Austin Born on your registry. Try all the groups, and find the one that meets your needs. Thanks again to the new mamas and doulas at Austin Born for sharing their wisdom and support! – C & K ♥

The Good & The Bad of Opposites Attracting :: Tuesday Tip

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Ever wonder how you can be drawn so strongly to a person at the beginning of a relationship and then feel perpetually annoyed with them later on?  It has to do with that age-old relationship paradigm: Opposites attract.  This cliché happens to hold a lot of truth.  Just like magnets, humans are pulled to each other by opposing poles or traits.  Later in the partnership, it’s as though those same magnets are flipped on their ends and suddenly repelling away from each other.  We’ll give you some tips on dealing with those inevitable challenges, but first, let’s discuss:

The 4 Reasons Why Opposites Attract

1. We tend to be attracted to individuals who have strengths or traits that we don’t have.  Yes, you probably share common values, interests and tastes with the person you are drawn to.  But when it comes to personality characteristics, you will often be on the opposite side of the spectrum from your mate.

2. It is the unconscious mind’s way of filling in personal gaps and deficits.  For instance, if you tend to be more shy and introverted, you might be attracted to someone who is gregarious and outgoing.  If you consider yourself to be a neat freak, don’t be surprised if you are drawn to someone who loves clutter.  If we look at it in survival of the fittest terms, a couple who has strengths in all areas will do better in the long run than a couple who’s strengths are unilateral.

3. In terms of sexual chemistry and attraction, we are more triggered by someone who challenges us and brings out suppressed personality traits that we don’t possess.  If you matched up with someone who was exactly like you, there wouldn’t be any zing or fire in your relationship.  True story.  The differences in a relationship create tension, and tension creates excitement.

4. At the risk of sounding too Freudian, we tend to be attracted to people who remind us of the good and bad of our parents or other close family members.  It might be nature’s way of giving us another chance to work through our childhood conflicts and struggles.  Not very nice of nature, eh?  But a great opportunity for growth.

So what happens after the honeymoon period is over and the “being on your best behavior” phase is long gone? Many couples find themselves feeling continually irked with each other. I often hear in my counseling practice, “Why can’t my husband make decisions the way I do?” or “Why in the world does my girlfriend approach things that way?” or “Why does everything have to be a struggle?”

We hear your pain. Here are:

4 Tips for Rediscovering The Magnetism In Your Relationship

1. Remember why you were attracted to your partner in the first place. Consider making a list of the things you were drawn to in your mate. Example: My husband has a garage full of sports equipment, wood working tools and other remnants of hobbies and collections. All of these items and activities require money and time. When I begin to feel annoyed with the clutter or the financial costs, I have to remind myself of what attracted me to my husband in the first place: he was adventurous, interested in many things, curious and knowledgeable about a lot of subjects. When I remind myself of these traits, I feel more tolerant of the clutter and admiring of his continued passion for life.

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2. Appreciate the strengths your partner has that you don’t have.  Example: One of my clients, we’ll call her Sue, hates how her husband takes the kids on all-day adventures and brings them home past their bedtime, covered in dirt and bug bites. When she pauses, she remembers that she fell in love with her husband’s adventurous spirit and carefree attitude.  Sue notices that her kids are smiling and that they are probably benefiting from her husband’s different parenting style.

3. Ask yourself if you have something to learn or gain from your partner’s opposing traits. Example: Another client of mine, we’ll call him Alan, get’s extremely frustrated with his wife’s insistence on keeping their house immaculately clean. He said that he feels like he is living in a hotel — it doesn’t feel like a home to him. When he explores his feelings more, he acknowledges that he has a history of being a slob and that his wife’s cleanliness has helped him to be more neat and organized in his own life.

4. Make small requests of each other when you feel like you are on opposing teams. Just because you appreciate your partners differing strengths doesn’t mean that you can’t communicate your unmet needs or concerns. When the timing is right, use the soft start approach, and give your partner gentle requests. These requests just might help your mate to inch a little bit out of their comfort zone and experience personal grow as a result. Here are some examples based on the scenarios above:

Kirsten (to husband): I love how you are interested in SO many things. Would you like me to buy some storage bins so we can organize the garage this weekend and you can have easier access to all of your crap? (Oops! That was a little passive aggressive. Let’s try again.) Easier access to all of your gear?

Sue (to husband): I know that you and the kids will have an amazing time on the greenbelt today. Do you mind getting them home before bedtime tonight so we can be fresh for the soccer game tomorrow?

Alan (to wife): Wow, the house looks great. How about if we take the day off from cleaning today and just relax with the dishes and laundry? I’ll help you catch up tomorrow.

Here’s the kicker. Don’t be surprised if one or more of your kids also has opposing traits to you. That child might challenge you just as much as your partner, but if you use the suggestions above, both you and your little one will flourish.

Here’s to Sanity & Magnets,

Kirsten

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So, You’re Not A Baby Person :: Monday Musing

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My best friend in college was really into babies.  Like, really.  She loved to coo at them and cuddle with them.  So much so, that for her 20th birthday, when she was not even close to starting a family, I gave her the gorgeously illustrated, Anne Geddes Baby Name Keepsake Book.  Strange gift for a 20 yr old… but for her, it made sense.  I just knew that she was destined to become an incredible mother who loved her littles with every inch of her being.

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I, on the other hand, was not much of a baby person.  I liked kids and I definitely liked babysitting them for extra income.  But I didn’t gravitate toward infants like my friend, Liz.  If we were hanging out at a coffee shop, and there was a lady sitting next to us with a newborn and a dog, Liz would be admiring the baby and I would be petting the terrier.  That was just how we rolled.

When I hit my late 20’s, my maternal instincts kicked into high gear with a jolt and I suddenly wanted to have a baby more than anything in the world.   Ask my husband – I was on an maniacal mission to become a mother.  It took several years to get pregnant, but when when I finally got the positive test, it was one of the happiest days of my life.  I was officially a “baby person”, right?

Well, sort of.

My newborn arrived and I loved, loved, LOVED him.  I thought he was the most beautiful thing in the world.  But there were days when I felt bored out of my mind whilst cooing at him, or singing to him, or playing peek-a-boo for the 56th time.  Life seemed pretty mundane and repetitive at times.  I found myself thinking, Oh, won’t it be nice when he can feed himself  OR  when he is potty trained and I don’t have to change diapers  OR  when we can go out and about on long adventures.

It will be nice when he is older, I thought.

My husband, not being much of a baby person himself, whole-heartedly agreed.  We were ready for our babies to be non-babies so we could have long conversations with them and take them out to see the world.

Fast forward ten years, and we have officially arrived at the non-baby stage.  We have two big strapping boys who debate every subject and run ahead of us on hiking trails.  They’re independent, they’re fun and they are definitely not infants any more.  The irony of it all?  There are moments when I yearn for the newborn stage again.  Perhaps I have a case of “the grass is greener”.  Perhaps I’m crazy.  Or perhaps I now appreciate the incredible amount of love, growth and effort that contributed to my sweet babies morphing into young men and I want to revisit and cherish that intense yet fleeting period.

These days, if I’m talking to an expectant dad or mom who has never considered him or herself to be a baby fanatic and is feeling a little anxious about becoming a parent, I give them these simple tips:

My Three Suggestions for Non-Baby Folks:

1. If you’re expecting a little one, and you’ve never been much of a baby person before, don’t fret.  There is nothing in the world like having your own kiddo.  You are going to grow to love that little person passionately, and you will also figure out how to take care of them with time.  No experience needed.

2. After baby arrives, if singing nursery rhymes or stacking blocks for two hours straight causes your head to hurt, make sure to schedule regular non-baby time for yourself: coffee out with a friend, date night with your partner, GNO with your besties, or even returning to work part- or full-time.  After short breathers from your babe, you’ll find yourself rushing home, excited to jump back into the nightly bath and bedtime routine.  The first three years of our babies’ lives are irreplaceable, developmentally and experientially, so take care of yourself so you can be fully present for them.

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3. Savor the baby years.  I know this seems counter-intuitive for us non-baby people.  But our kids really are babies for a very short period.  So stare at their little hands.  Listen to their sweet, squeaky voices.  Laugh when they do the same silly dance 15 times in a row.  Relax your shoulders, breathe in their baby smell and know that it is all temporary.

Now when I see a woman at a coffee shop with a stroller and a dog, I gravitate toward the infant first. Perhaps I am fully converted to a “baby person”? I guess that can’t hurt since I do write for a baby blog. 😉

Here’s to Strength and Babies,

Kirsten

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Laugh and Laugh Often :: Tuesday Tip

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When my newborn son and I were still figuring out breastfeeding, I realized that I was going to be spending a lot of time awake… in the middle of the night… by myself… in the dark. At first, I tried to fight through my sleepiness while I made sure that my new baby’s latch was correct and he was continuing to feed. But later, I found myself creeping downstairs and quietly flipping on the TV. Why not be entertained while I nursed? I reasoned.

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It was during this time that I discovered the power of laughter. Yes, I was sleep deprived. Yes, I felt very anxious about whether my newborn baby was gaining weight. But I quickly found that if I pre-recorded a movie or TV show to watch, and made it a comedy or perhaps a romantic flick with some humor, I woke up feeling lighter and more positive the next day.  If Jimmy Fallon had been at the helm of the Tonight Show in 2005, he would have been on my DVR every night.

Most of us are aware that prolonged stress has a direct impact on our health and emotional well-being. There is now considerable research that suggests that laughter lowers Cortisol levels and stimulates the immune system, off-setting the negative effects of stress. (Patty Wooton, Humour: An Antidote for Stress) In fact, Norman Cousins is famous for the “laughter-therapy” he used to cure himself of a debilitating disease in the late 1970’s. By prescribing himself a regimen of Marx Brother’s movies and Candid Camera episodes, he was able to eliminate all symptoms of his condition. That’s powerful stuff!

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Research or no research, I can personally vouch for laughter being a great thing when you have a newborn, toddler, or kiddo of any age. It is very easy to take life very seriously when you are figuring out how to be a parent. Sometimes we have to step back and laugh at the stream of pee that just landed in our face or the projectile spit-up that just adorned our clean sweater. Sometimes we just have to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all, and know these messy, crazy-making moments are fleeting.

Laugh with your partner. Laugh with your friends. Laugh with your kids. Or laugh by yourself in the middle of the night. You’ll be glad that you did, I promise.

Tips For Sanity:

  1. Laughter really can be the best medicine.
  2. Find what makes YOU laugh, no matter how insane.
  3. Find humor in the chaos… whenever you can. Spit up all over your face? Bahahaha!

“The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.” – E. E. Cummings

Here’s to Sanity & Jimmy Fallon,

Kirsten

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On Raising Twins :: Wednesday Wisdom

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Sadia-Rodriguez

Meet Sadia.  She is a working single mother of identical twin daughters.  In the odd minute she finds between raising her daughters, running a home, driving her commute and working as a business analyst, she runs the multi-authored blog, How Do You Do It?, created by and for parents of twins, triplets and more.  Sadia also serves as the Single Parent Coordinator for Multiples of America.  Sadia grew up in Europe and Asia but now shares a home with her 8 yr old daughters, J and M, in the suburbs of Austin, Texas. We wanted to pick Sadia’s brain about her experience of raising twins and learn more about HDYDI, the amazing blog that supports parents of multiples.

BPP: So… what was it like when you found out that you were having twins?  Was it something you had planned or hoped for?

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S: I don’t think anyone ever plans on having twins, but there was a tiny part of me that hoped for it, just based on the large number of twins and triplets in my husband’s family.  The earliest I was prepared to have children was age 26 and my husband wanted to be done by age 24. We agreed on having two kids.  Our twins’ birth, which happened 6 days before I turned 27 and 23 days before my husband turned 25, made an impossible set of requirements work!  We knew we were looking at twins on the first ultrasound, 7 weeks into the pregnancy, before the technician even said a word.  We were both thrilled and just wanted to be sure there were two and not three!  We would have been equally happy with triplets, but wanted to know how many cribs to get.

BPP: Can you share about your pregnancy?  Was it challenging carrying two little ones?  Did the birth go as planned?

S: Any multiple birth is automatically categorized as “high-risk” because of the elevated risk of preterm birth and other complications.  For those like me, lucky enough to have uncomplicated pregnancies, that simply translates to more frequent visits with the obstetrician and an ultrasound at every visit.  I had a dream pregnancy.  No morning sickness.  No reflux.  No swollen ankles.  Fabulous hair and skin.  Everything went great until my water broke, without warning, 7 weeks before the twins were due.  The emergency C-section was extremely traumatic, but fortunately their early start hasn’t had any lasting effects on my daughters.

BPP: How did you prepare for bringing two babies home from the hospital? Did you consult with any experts or websites on how to prepare for twins?

S: Since J and M decided to enter the world 2 months ahead of schedule, final preparations were never completed.  However, I spent a year in therapy before getting pregnant to make sure that I could be in the best emotional shape of my life going into motherhood.  My general approach was to be an honest and open mother, to allow my children to see my mistakes and how I recover from them.  Everything else in my parenting arsenal stems from that transparency, with a final goal of readying my children for an independent, productive, and happy adulthood.  My preparation for the specifics of twins was limited to intense and wonderful conversations with my husband’s aunt (who has fraternal triplets) and great-aunt (who has identical twins).

BPP: Challenges with breastfeeding and sleep deprivation are extremely common for new parents, even with only one baby! Do you remember how you coped with feeding and waking up with two infants?

S: The babies were both home with me at 20 days old.  By then, my husband had shipped off to California for pre-Iraq combat training!  During maternity leave, I quite literally spent half my time breastfeeding: 45 minutes for M, then 45 minutes for J, then repeat 90 minutes later!  I was so grateful that they’d latched at all after my nearly 3 weeks on a pump and feeding tubes that it didn’t seem too overwhelming.

Something happened to my body chemistry that allowed me to perform basic functions on just 3-4 hours of total sleep in 45-minute chunks.  When I say, “basic functions”, I mean keeping myself and the babies alive.  There was a day when I got to work only to realize that I’d put my pants on inside out in my sleep deprived haze. I  maintained a notebook of feedings, diapers and baths because I wasn’t forming any lasting memories and didn’t want to risk feeding one baby twice and the other not at all!

The true source of my sanity was my friend Sara, whose (one!) baby was 14 days younger than mine.  We were pregnant together and sent our husbands to Iraq together.  Although she was an SAHM and I worked, it really felt like we were in it together.  She was never scared off by my two babies, and she also knew that I could take on a third when she needed a moment.  Also, having a childcare provider I trusted meant the world when I returned to work.  The babies were only 11 weeks old, developmentally 4 weeks old, at the end of maternity leave.

BPP: Can you share about the first few years of being parents of two? Any challenges or successes that surprised you? How did it impact your relationship with their father?

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S: I came to motherhood with an assumption that my children would be pliant clay, everything about them attributable to something I or their father had done right or wrong.  Instead, they came out with fully formed personalities.  They even kicked and punched differently in utero!  They certainly have a lot in common, but M and J are very, very different young ladies.  It took no time at all for me to realize that my job as a mother was to give them each the tools her particular personality required for success in life.  I would have very little to do with who they were and was along for the ride!  I had imagined that parenthood would be a thankless grind and was shocked by how much fun I was having.  You can’t dance to classic Madonna with a giggling 6-month-old on each hip and not be filled with bone deep joy.

My husband was deployed in Iraq for 15 months of our daughters first two years, and away for training several months besides.  I had hoped to parent as a team even while he was away, but we hardly heard from him.  I don’t think the children made any difference in our relationship.  Our physical distance and communication limitations kept us from having much of a relationship at all.

BPP: You are a frequent contributor and coordinator with the blog, How Do You Do It? (HDYDI), a website where “Moms of multiples tell it like it is.”  How did you connect with this blog?  How do you feel that it has benefited both you and other parents of multiples?

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S: I ran across HDYDI when my daughters were about 2 years old.  I knew I’d found my tribe, mothers who really understood the ins and outs of parenting young twins.  I left a comment on a post or two and quickly felt like part of the community.  It was several years before I began contributing regularly, and shortly after that, I took over coordination.

How Do You Do It?  is a family where MoMs (that’s MoM-speak for “mothers of multiples”) understand that there is no one way to parent, run a family or be a woman.  We have mothers from different family structures, different countries, several religions, completely different politics, and with children of all ages.  We come together with the shared goals of doing right by our kids and making it through each day.  In a lot of other places, I run into the assumption that an answer that is right for one pair of twins must be right for all twins.  I’ve never seen that at HDYDI.  In raising children who shared a womb and a birthday, we all get to see up close how unique each child is, while acknowledging how special the wombmate bond can be.

BPP: Since having your twins, you and your husband have divorced. You have also maintained a successful career as a full-time business analyst. You definitely wear a lot of hats: single mother of twins, career woman, blog coordinator and more. To echo the title of your blog, How do you do it??  Any tips on maintaining balance when you have a lot on your plate?

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S: That’s a big question!  In short, recognize that you can’t do it all right now, and that’s okay.  Prioritize what matters and forget or delay the rest.  My recommendation is to find the 5 things that matter to you most.  Your list might include marriage, education, nutrition, friends and sleep.  Or perhaps it’s breastfeeding, working to a promotion, taking a shower daily, eating one non-cereal meal and having one conversation with your spouse that isn’t about the children.  There’s no right answer.  At the end of every week, look back and see whether you put the bulk of you energy toward those things.  Readjust accordingly.

BPP: Do you mind sharing which topics or concerns come up the most on the HDYDI blog and how you give support and encouragement to expectant or new parents of twins?

S: The top topics of discussion are these:

– What do “identical” and “fraternal” even mean, and how do I know what mine are? http://hdydi.com/2014/03/12/identical-or-fraternal-a-primer/

– How can I make breastfeeding work with more than one? http://hdydi.com/2014/01/29/ask-moms-tandem-nurse/

– How do I run errands with all these small people? http://hdydi.com/2013/10/21/grocery-shopping-twin-more/

– Should my multiples be in the same or different classrooms? http://hdydi.com/2015/02/27/twins-and-school-together-apart/

– How should I tackle ignorant questions and comments? http://hdydi.com/2013/07/26/its-okay-to-think-it-responding-to-twin-comments/

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving pointer to expectant or new parents, especially parents of multiples, what would it be?

S: Remember the Golden Rule and turn it on yourself.  Treat yourself as you would treat others.  Know that you are enough as a parent, whether you accept help to get it all done or you take shortcuts to make things work.  Don’t strive for perfection, because you… and your children… will always fall short.  Your children learn by watching you.  If you don’t turn self-criticism to either productive change or acceptance, neither will your kids.  If you do accept yourself and do your best, so will they.

Sadia, thank you so much for sharing your experience with your two daughters and your insight. Even for those of us who will never have twins or triplets, your pointers are invaluable! ♥ – C & K

Be sure to check out the How Do You Do It? Blog at this link.

And stay in the loop with HDYDI, Sadia and other parents of multiples on the HDYDI Facebook page.

The Five Friends You Need to Drop :: Monday Musing

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I recently did a workshop on healthy friendships for a mom’s support/networking group.  We began with ways to identify unhealthy friendships, and the room lit up with recognition.  Every woman nodded along with at least one example, and their expressions were a mix of insight and frustration.  The best observation/question:  “Why do we do this?”  Why, when our time is so precious, and we barely have enough of it to manage work, caring for our families and with the remaining scraps, ourselves, spend mental energy on friendships that drain us dry?  There are so many factors that keep us connected to toxic relationships, most of which tap into self-esteem.  I lose count of how often I quote Kirsten’s perfect philosophy on friendships, which are often the only elective relationships we have:  “Friendships should be Delicious.”

Any positive change requires an honest assessment of where you currently are.  As you read these checklists of unhealthy and healthy friend characteristics, consider the 5 friends you devote the most time to (not the 5 you enjoy the most, unless they’re the same people!):

Unhealthy:

1.  It’s always all about her.  She dominates every conversation, immediately bringing anything you share back to a personal struggle of hers.  If she asks how you’re doing, it’s usually 5 minutes before it’s time to pick up the kids.  “Soooo, how are YOU?  Oops, gotta run…”

2.  He’s catty.  He spends the majority of your time together talking smack about all of his other friends and family members.  It’s okay to vent, but if it’s not for the purpose of improving a relationship, it can get toxic.  Likely, you’re not immune to the negativity and gossip he spreads.

Oh, Nelly...

Oh, Nelly…

3.  She’s a “Negative Nelly” Oleson.  She always plays “Devil’s Advocate,” not your advocate.  She doesn’t celebrate your success authentically, and in fact seems jealous.  When you share your struggles with her, you feel slightly worse instead of better.  She just doesn’t have your back.

4.  She can’t keep track.  Maybe this friendship began with you re-introducing yourself on 5 separate occasions before it stuck.  Major details of your life situation and important stories that took a lot of trust for you to reveal escape her.  You repeat yourself constantly and feel vaguely invisible.

5.  Guilt, not love, bonds you.  You find yourself making up excuses to avoid making plans, and feel anxious when you have to cancel.  You always seem to be falling short of his needs from the friendship.  You don’t look forward to spending time with him, and you feel “stuck” instead of bonded.

Healthy:

1.  There’s reciprocity.  No matter how little time you have together, you both share and listen, both feeling heard and understood by the other.

2.  He’s loving.  He vents, but doesn’t attack the character of others, and is motivated to improve his relationships.  You know that he will stick up for you if needed.

delicious_friends3.  She’s uplifting and loyal.  When you’re on cloud 9, so is she.  When you are sad, she cries with you and hugs you tight.  You leave time together feeling clearer, motivated and nurtured.

4.  She pays attention.  She actively listens, and remembers (at least generally) what you’ve shared with her.  She makes cognitive space in her busy world for you, and you feel very seen by her.

5.  Love, not guilt, bonds you.  You can go for stretches of time without connecting, and pick up exactly where you left off.  You look forward to and savor time with him, and you both do what it takes to make time for each other.  You feel accepted and loved exactly as you are, and if there are issues or miscommunications between you, it’s easy to talk them through and adjust.  The friendship is yummy.

Even a solid, healthy friendship can temporarily have unhealthy qualities, maybe because one or both of you is going through a difficult time.  But, if the relationship has been a drag for a long time, draining your time and your joy, consider addressing the issues or creating some distance.  The hardest work can be considering whether you bring unhealthy qualities to the friendship table yourself, and figuring out how to make changes (be patient with me, my sweet peeps, I’m working on it!).

Here’s to Sanity and Deliciousness,

Cheryl

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Keeping Your Relationship Hydrated :: Tuesday Tip

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rain_couple

In my many years of counseling, I have never encountered a “perfect” couple.  All relationships have their challenges and rough spots – mine is no exception!  I’ve learned along the way that the trick to long-term relationship success is not to be perfect or conflict-free.  The trick is to maintain a strong supportive foundation so that you and your partner can weather the rocky periods.

When a couple walks into my office, and I can tell they are getting on each others’ last nerve, I talk to them about Rain Water Collection.  (I know, strange.  But hang with me for a sec.)  If you know anyone who lives off of rain water – which is getting more common in this eco-friendly 21st century – you’ll know that they love a heavy spring shower or a gigantic thunderstorm.  Their water tanks get filled to the max and they can breathe a big sigh of relief, knowing that they will have plenty of water to last them through the dry summer months.  A relationship is similar.  Just like tiny raindrops, there are small things you can do every day to fill up the reserves.  The more drops or positive things you pour into the relationship, the more cushion you have for the dry spells.  The result is a strong foundation of trust, love and patience.

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What happens when the heat is on and you and your partner exchange harsh words or do something hurtful to each other?  A tiny bit of your reserves evaporate.  Just as little positive things fill up your love tank, tiny negative things can drain it.  If your relationship experiences enough negativity, or goes through a major trauma such as an affair or a bout with addiction, you might find your relationship completely dehydrated and in a full fledged drought that feels hard to come back from.

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How do you rebuild the trust and patience when you are running on empty?  You return to the little things… little gestures, little favors, little compliments.  These actions are contagious and the more that you make an effort to hydrate your relationship, the more your partner will feel appreciated and follow suit.  Bit by bit, you will refill the tank and find yourself enjoying that loving feeling again.

The truth is, you WILL have fights with your partner, you WILL get annoyed with them at times, and one or both of you WILL let each other down.  But if you go into those challenges with a full reservoir versus a depleted tank, you will have an easier time rebounding and navigating through the obstacles.

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Parenthood can both enhance a relationship AND put an enormous  strain on it.  When I meet with expectant parents, I encourage them to spend the nine months before baby filling up their virtual rain tank.  Give your partner compliments, surprise them with a card or a gift, be affectionate and speak to each other with kindness and patience so that you have a full reservoir when you are facing the sleepless nights and gassy infant ahead.  Whether you are expecting a baby, raising a baby or well beyond babies, keeping your relationship hydrated and your water barrels full will help you to manage whatever challenges come your way.

Here’s to Strength and Thunderstorms,

Kirsten

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A Workout for Busy Moms :: Wednesday Wisdom

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Allison Lambert

Meet Allison Lambert. She is an ACE certified personal trainer, former psychology teacher and college athlete. Her desire to help women get healthy lead her to create The Fit Tutor, an online fitness service for women. Some personal trainers wear camo pants, yell a lot, or show off their six-packs to motivate their clients. Not Allison. She believes in eating chocolate, buying lots of shoes, and encouraging clients by walking along side of them on their fitness journey. She uses her knowledge and enthusiasm to help women feel confident and overcome any fear of working out. We were so interested to chat with Allison because her inexpensive, at-home fitness programs are perfect for the busy mom who wants to start making self-care more of a priority. Getting to the gym can be challenging when you have a young child – Allison brings the gym to you.

BPP: Your website provides a really unique service: affordable online fitness regimens coupled with personal training. How did you decide to launch The Fit Tutor? What was your inspiration? 

Allison_fitness

AL: My passion is to help women be strong, confident, and healthy. My heart breaks every time I see someone start and stop an exercise regime because it was too hard or time consuming. I see this a lot with popular exercise videos or even pins on Pinterest. I talk with women all the time who want to lose weight and get stronger, but they feel like they don’t have time, don’t know what to do, or can’t afford a trainer.

My desire is to make healthy living attainable so women can look and feel their best! The Fit Tutor provides good, safe instruction, and the ability to workout when it fits in your schedule.

BPP: What are the advantages to signing up with the Fit Tutor vs. signing up with a bootcamp, local personal trainer or a gym?

AL: I personally disliked paying for a gym membership only to have to go through the hassle of getting there on a busy day and then waiting for equipment. I actually just quit my gym this year, and have been working out way more consistently at home. The Fit Tutor helps minimize excuses to skip a workout. (See her article “15 Reason to Work Out at Home”)

As a personal trainer, I think there’s nothing better than working one-on-one with someone. In reality, that’s just not doable for everyone. With The Fit Tutor you get demonstrations, modifications, and workouts designed by a trainer that are really effective! And you definitely don’t have to pay the price of a trainer. We also offer nutrition coaching, accountability, and your own personal cheering section, too.

Boot camps are awesome and fun, but they can be hard to stick with. They start and stop, so every few months you have to find that self-control, determination and a large amount of money upfront to decide to keep going. You usually don’t get the individualized instruction you need for a safe and effective workout, either. With The Fit Tutor, you still get community, effective workouts, and accountability, but it’s easier on your bank account and better for the longevity of your workout regime.

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BPP: I’m sure that a lot of people are curious about how The Fit Tutor provides personal training services online. How do you stay connected to your clients?

AL: This is by far my favorite part of running The Fit Tutor. I reach out to all members by email when they sign up, and I continue our contact based on the client’s needs and wants via email or other social media. Some people prefer to be left alone, but most want more contact for encouragement, accountability, questions or nutrition coaching. My favorite is our Facebook accountability group. It’s a fun group of women of all levels and walks of life who encourage and check in with each other!

BPP: What are the hesitations or concerns that you hear most frequently from potential clients about signing up for an exercise program? How do you answer these concerns?

AL: Most people I talk with are concerned about failure – whether it’s not having enough time, not being able to do something, or doing but not succeeding. We offer workouts in as little as four minutes, so I encourage people that they DO have the time. I’ve worked with personal training clients in every condition, and I’ve tried to make the beginner exercises doable for people who have never worked, just had a baby, or might be arthritic, obese, etc..

My programs are effective, and doing them combined with our nutrition coaching, I think it would be hard to fail. They might not lose weight as fast as they’d like to, but I’m committed to helping each woman succeed.

You being healthy and energetic is such a gift to your family. It’s worth pushing through whatever fears you have to make this a priority.

BPP: Are your workouts appropriate for someone who has never exercised before? If so, how do you introduce them to exercise?

AL: Yes! I’ve designed each video to be helpful for someone who has never done strength training before. Each video shows an example along with demonstration, so there’s no question on how to perform each exercise. The best way to start for someone new to exercising is our Beginner Get Fit program. It starts you off slow and has a good combination of learning new exercises plus repeating others so you can see your progress.

BPP: What kind of equipment do your clients need to do the workouts in their own home?

AL: All you need is the Internet and a pair of dumbbells. A yoga mat is helpful, but not necessary. Every exercise is performed with either body weight or dumbbells.

Strength training is one of the most effective and efficient ways to lose weight, so our workouts focus on strength training (without getting bulky) and at-home cardio routines to help shed fat.

BPP: Many of your members are mothers. Can your workouts be done with babies or older children in the home? Do you incorporate stress-reducing exercises/suggestions (because you know we mothers can benefit!)

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AL: Yes! Many moms have said they do workouts during nap time, or out in the yard during playtime, or even with their kids crawling all over them. I’ve sent moms workouts they can do using their kids as the weight, and have received awesome videos of kids doing exercises right alongside the parents. Teaching children that exercise and health matter is so important, and it’s healthy for them to see Mom making her health a priority. Strength training is a great stress reducer, and we also have yoga cool-downs to help for those who are extra stressed.

BPP: Does the Fit Tutor have tailored work-outs for expectant moms? How about couples? 

AL: Expecting moms can usually do all of the beginner exercises, with the exception of core work. For now, I’m working one-on-one (via email) with expecting moms, putting together a few workouts and videos to help them with what they can and cannot do. I have a section for pregnancy workouts by trimester in the making, and I’m so excited to have this section finished!

Although there’s nothing specific to couples, every workout can be done with a friend. I love getting messages from members who say they did a Fit Tutor workout with their husband or boyfriend.

BPP: You have some really interesting nutrition, food and wellness-related articles on your blog. Are these topics that you incorporate into your personal training?

AL: Yes, because I believe the best results come from both nutrition and exercise. I currently offer nutrition coaching based on small, healthy changes that add up over the long run. I think that’s important for parents especially, because totally overhauling your diet can be overwhelming. I also believe it’s important to have a healthy body image and a healthy relationship with food, and I help clients deal with these issues as they arise.

BPP: Does the Fit Tutor have programs tailored for weight loss? Do they get advice from a dietician?

AL: We have several Get Fit Programs, with more in the making. Our current Get Fit Programs are 8 weeks long and are designed to gain strength and jump start your weight loss. These programs, coupled with the nutrition coaching, can be powerful in achieving your goals! The Fit Tutor focuses on making fitness and healthy eating a lifestyle, so we incorporate different types of workouts for any schedule, as well as accountability for those who need that type of help.

As of next month, I will be a certified nutrition coach and will start incorporating meal plans for an extra charge, but the nutrition coaching is included in the membership price.

BPP: If you have to give one piece of sanity-saving advice to a new mom, what would it be?

AL: I tell moms all the time to not stress about getting their bodies back. I believe your body is already incredible because it grew and birthed a human! I help moms focus on doing what they can with eating healthy and exercising during this crazy adjustment time in their lives. In time you can and will look great again, but making that a focus or setting unrealistic expectations can only cause more stress and negative emotions. Do what you can and breathe a sigh of relief.

Thank you Allison for sharing about your unique and accessible fitness service. One of the goals of this blog is to connect our readers and subscribers with resources that will make life easier, healthier and happier. You are definitely one of those amazing resources. – C&K ♥

Check out Allison’s info packed blog at: http://thefittutor.com/blog/

Learn more about her online fitness services and free trial: http://thefittutor.com/

Follow her on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/fittutor

Mexican Hot Chocolate :: Friday Foodie

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Olivia

I love serving this easy to make hot chocolate, because of the reaction it gets. The cayenne doesn’t kick in fully until after a few sips. The heat makes the chocolate pop and the people say, “WHAT???!” and then “MORE!!!” Serve it with a roasted marshmallow and watch them decompensate. Maybe this is only fun when you’re a therapist, but try it anyway?

Ingredients:

  • 4 ounces milk chocolate, chopped
  • 4 ounces dark chocolate (85% dark if you can find it), chopped
  • 4 cups vanilla almond milk
  • 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
  • 1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
  • marshmallows and/or whipped cream

Technique:
Melt the chopped chocolate in a medium saucepan over low heat. Add the cinnamon and cayenne. Gradually whisk in the milk, about 1/4 cup at a time, until the mixture is smooth and drinkable. Raise the heat to medium, and heat to almost a simmer, whisking occasionally. The idea is to get it nice and hot, without boiling it, which changes the consistency and flavor (not terrible, but not as yummy). Carefully pour the hot chocolate into four small mugs (or one giant one for yourself), top with a marshmallow and enjoy!

Cheryl’ Tips:
This is a great dessert on a cold night. I love how heat mixed with sweet can be such a surprise and so pleasing. Try that combo in your interactions with your partner. Satisfaction guaranteed.

Here’s to Sanity and Braces,

Cheryl

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