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How To Be A Happier Parent :: Wednesday Wisdom

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Meet KJ Dell’Antonia. She is a regular contributor to The New York Times, where she covers the personal and policy aspects of parenthood. She wrote and edited the NYT Motherlode blog from 2011 until 2016 and was a contributing editor to the Well Family section from 2016-2017. She is the co-author of Reading with Babies, Toddlers and Twos and the co-host of the #AmWriting podcast.

KJ has an exciting, new book coming out in August 2018: How to Be a Happier Parent: Raising a Family, Having a Life, and Loving (Almost) Every Minute. I have to admit that I pre-ordered her book several months ago because I cannot wait to get my hands on it. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a perinatal mental health and relationship specialist, not a parenting expert. So, like many of you, I can use ALL of the parenting wisdom and insight I can gather. It takes a village, right? KJ explains that her new book is not a parenting memoir. Instead, it is filled with research, interviews and investigation, all geared toward figuring out how to make the task of parenting more enjoyable.

I was thrilled to chat with KJ about her forthcoming book because 1) I have followed her parenting-related writing for many years in The New York Times and 2) I am a gigantic fan of the #AmWriting podcast. (If you do any sort of writing, I definitely encourage you to check it out.) OK, let’s get to our interview!

KB: Let’s start at the beginning. How did you decide to write this book?

KJD: I wrote the book I wanted to read. I’d been writing about parenting for nearly a decade, and editing other people’s work as well. I’d written—and read—so much about why parents answer survey questions and say we’d rather do laundry than hang out with our kids, about why we find parenting difficult to the point where we’re really not finding much joy in it at all, on a day-to-day level—and I wanted to talk about what we could do to make that better.

KB: So many authors write parenting handbooks based on their personal experiences or opinions. The thing that really stands out to me about your book is that you conducted actual scientific research to find out what REALLY makes parents happier. Can you share a little bit about how you did your research and if the results were what you expected?

KJD: I worked with a professor from Fordham University, Matthew Weinshenker, and a research assistant, Dawn Reiss. We came up with a series of questions that used established measures of parental happiness to get an idea of where respondents (about 1000, and as close as we could get to a demographic reflection of the U.S.) stood, and then we asked them questions about what else they were doing—how did they make decisions about things like vacations, and meals? How involved were they in homework? How often did they feel like they were enforcing the rules? And then we drew some conclusions about what choices were associated with greater happiness.

I think the biggest surprise in the results was how consistently people responded to an open-ended question about what they liked least about being a parent. There was a big cluster—about a third of respondents—around discipline, establishing rules, getting kids to behave. I don’t think our parents worried so much about that.

KB: According to the research you conducted, you discovered that happier parents tend to do four things, is that correct?

KJD: Yes. This is actually from the introduction to the book: “Happier parents in general do four things well. They shift from heavier involvement to fostering independence as their children become more capable. They don’t put their children’s everyday needs above their own. They look for the good in day to day experiences, and they know what’s really important and what’s just noise and fury.”

KB: Oh gosh, those are all good reminders for me. Has writing this book changed how you parent your four children?

KJD: I really am happier. I let a lot more go, I recognize that they’re their own people, with their own lives. They need guidance and support, and I love being there for them, but I don’t have to take their every experience or disappointment and make it my own. That’s not good for any of us.

KB: I know that your book really applies to parenting kids between the ages of 4 and 16. For my readers who are expectant or new-ish parents, do you have any suggestions on what they can start doing now in order to be happier later?

KJD: Don’t give up on your pre-parent life. That first six months to a year is tough. Really tough. For everyone. You won’t get enough sleep. Ever, and it’s important to recognize that that changes everything—and unfortunately there’s not much to do but your best there. Support your partner if you’ve got one. Trade off. At least give yourself a shot at getting the sleep you need by putting yourself to bed instead of staying up trying to get things done. (One good thing about babies—you can totally watch Game of Thrones while they’re awake, you don’t have to wait until they go to sleep.)

But beyond that, keep the things you do for fun. Take the baby or toddler (seriously, they can’t tell the difference between Disney and the Met, if you like to look at art, go look at art). Get a sitter, trade with a friend, let them watch some TV while you watch a crafting video or go surfing. You won’t be able to do as much, but you can still be you, and later, you’ll be glad—because nothing prevents over-parenting like feeling like you want your own time to do your own thing.

KB: For five years, you were the managing editor of The New York Times Motherlode parenting blog. What was it like to be at the helm of the most read, and the most coveted, parenting blog in the country… or maybe even the world?

KJD: Awesome, frankly. Completely validating. I can’t lie, I loved it. It was also a ton of work. I did everything, from editing to writing to illustrating to moderating almost all of the comments. I had great editors, too, but most of them had a whole lot going on besides Motherlode, which gave me a lot of freedom within the expectations at the Times. It could also be difficult, for two reasons. First, whenever there was a major news event involving children or families, I had to step up and respond. I’m all out of things to say about schools and gun violence, other than, please, stop. Sometimes it’s nice not to have to form a coherent thought around big issues—although I also miss the opportunity to be a part of that conversation. Second, there was a lot of power involved. There were a lot of people hoping I would publish their words, or write about their book, or even their product, and obviously that meant I said no a lot. As Betsy Lerner said in The Forest for the Trees, I want to save everyone, but there’s not room in the damn boat.

KB: I love how the subtitle of your book is “Raising a family, having a life and loving (almost) every minute”. I think the word ‘almost’ is probably validating to a lot of my readers. Can you talk about how you chose that subtitle?

KJD: I love it too! The book title changed a bunch of times (it was “This Should Be Fun,” and “This Could Be Fun,” and I forget what else) but the subtitle never did. As for the almost—it’s partly in fun (who even wants to try to love every minute) and partly serious. Bad things happen, they really do. Sometimes happy isn’t even on our radar. But a lot of the time, we’re just living our lovely modern lives here, and everything is ordinary, and that’s pretty good for most Western families.

KB: In the book, you expertly address all of the key parenting concerns or topics: discipline, chores, sports, homework, etc. Which topic do parents ask you about the most frequently?

KJD: People really want to talk about chores—they kind of want to defend why they’re not managing to get their kids to do them! Which is good, because it’s one of my favorite topics, and it’s actually the simplest. If your kids aren’t doing their chores, it’s because you as parents aren’t consistently expecting them to do them, and following through. There’s nothing more to it than that. (Which isn’t to say that isn’t really hard, or that we succeed at our house—we don’t, although it’s getting better.)

Some parents think other things are more important (homework, sports). I don’t happen to agree, but if that’s the thing at your house, better to give up on the chores and just embrace that than to say “you need to do this every day” and then never really ask kids to do it.

KB: If people sign up for your newsletter, (which I have already done!) they will get access to your Ten Mantras for happier parents, right? How did you come up with the mantras, and which one is your favorite?

KJD: It changes every day. Today I like “People, even children—especially children—change, if you let them.” We all know not to label kids the smart one, or the sporty one, or whatever, but it’s so easy to lock them into other identities, even something dumb, like not liking peanut butter. The more often you say “she doesn’t like peanut butter” the less likely she is to ever try it. I hated peanut butter as a kid, or thought I did. And I love it now. That’s a mild example, but replace peanut butter with exercise, or school, and you’ll see what I mean.

KB: Lastly, can you share where people can find you and all of your wisdom? And how they can get their hands on this amazing book?

KJD: Sure! Here is EVERYTHING:

More about the Book and how to order it (and get some fabulous pre-order bonuses): How to Be a Happier Parent: Raising a Family, Having a Life and Loving (Almost) Every Minute

Website: kjdellantonia.com

Twitter: @KJDellAntonia

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kjdellantonia

Instagram: @kjda

KJ’s tinyletter: http://tinyurl.com/followkj  (Definitely sign up for KJ’s newsletter if you are interested in receiving regular bit of parenting wisdom and humor.)

Podcast: #AmWriting with Jess & KJ https://itun.es/i67F2zJ or http://amwritingwithjessandkj.com (As I already said, gigantic fan of the podcast.)

And if you just want to order the book, go here:

https://tinyurl.com/HappierParentBookAmazon

Or here:

https://www.indiebound.org/book/9780735210479

Enormous thanks to KJ for sharing a preview of her book with Baby Proofed Parents. I can’t wait to receive my copy in the mail and begin learning how to be happier! – KB ♥

Where to go in Central Texas to find the most pediatric specialists and specialty programs

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This is the second post in a two-part series created in partnership with Dell Children’s Medical Center & Ascension.

Any parent who has navigated a medical emergency with a young child can tell you that their brain alternates between being in a fog and being laser-focused. That was certainly the case for me when my 10-day-old newborn had to be hospitalized for high fever and lethargy. As I wrote in an earlier post, I was instructed by our pediatrician to take my son to Dell Children’s Medical Center when he was just a few days old. I was also fighting the flu at the time so my brain was especially foggy. And yet, I found myself on a single-minded mission to advocate for my child and seek out the best professional opinions and interventions I could find.

Thank goodness we ended up at Dell Children’s. Despite the hazy state of my postpartum, flu-ridden brain, I immediately sensed that we had placed ourselves in the best possible care available.

One of the reasons I knew we were in the right spot is because Dell Children’s has an enormous number of pediatric specialists and specialty programs – the most in Central Texas to be exact. The hospital is staffed with doctors and experts who can be called on at a moment’s notice. Instead of being sent from facility to facility, or office to office, the doctors all came to our private hospital room. And they kept coming until my son’s condition was diagnosed and treated.

It took a few days for that diagnosis to happen. The reason for my son’s deteriorating health was an absolute mystery when we first arrived at Dell Children’s. The emergency room staff needed to rule out meningitis so he received a spinal tap. (As you can imagine, the spinal tap was really scary, but I put my faith in the staff to handle my son with the utmost care. And they did.) The doctors did blood work, they checked his urine and they eventually took us in a wheelchair to a separate department for an abdominal ultrasound.

I can still remember sitting in that ultrasound room, next to the kind technician. I can remember the look of concern in her eyes as she studied my son’s kidneys, ureters and bladder. Something was terribly wrong, and she knew that my son needed immediate treatment.

Dr. Cortez’s white board illustration.

The next thing I knew, a top pediatric urologist, Dr. Jose Cortez, Urology Section Chief at Dell Children’s, was standing in our hospital room. Remember, my brain was pretty foggy through all of this, and yet Dr. Cortez’s face and words are etched forever in my memory. His voice was calm and his demeanor was compassionate. He drew a picture on the white board in our room explaining that our son, Elliott, had a condition called Posterior Urethral Valve (PUV). There was a blockage in his urethra that was causing all of his urine to back up into his kidneys. His ureters, which should have looked like strands of spaghetti, looked like folded up sausage. His kidneys, which should have look like jellybeans, resembled bloated, distended potatoes.

Dr. Cortez calmly explained to us what the plan would be: Elliott would receive a catheter to relieve some pressure that evening and he would go in for surgery the next morning. He also explained that Elliott would fully recover.

There is nothing sweeter than hearing those words from an experienced, top-notch specialist. Your child will recover. It’s going to be OK. And it was.

Dr. Cortez is not the only specialist that we saw at Dell Children’s. Before we left the hospital that first time, Elliott was checked out by a pediatric cardiologist and a certified lactation consultant.

Aidan after his surgery for an infected lymph gland.

When our older son, Aidan, had a MRSA staph infection in his lymph gland several months later, we saw an infectious disease expert and a top pediatric ENT who performed surgery on Aidan’s neck.

Each time our kids have had a medical emergency (and we’ve had our share), we’ve headed straight to Dell Children’s. We know that they will be met by a dedicated multidisciplinary team of pediatric specialists and nurses who all have the same mission: helping our kids to feel better. Our boys, who are 11 and 14 now, are in great health, thanks to the expert care and treatment of the doctors and staff they have seen along the way.

When any of my counseling clients share with me that one of their kids have experienced a medical or physical trauma, I immediately direct them to Dell Children’s. The medical center is the only Pediatric Level I Trauma Center in Central Texas. They provide the highest level of care to children who have been victims of trauma – the kind of care that is crucial for the full physical and emotional recovery of a child.

Eleven years after my son’s first hospitalization, Dr. Cortez is still his urologist. His office is located across the street from Dell Children’s, within walking distance from the hospital. We visit Dr. Cortez every few years for a follow-up ultrasound and check up. We usually make it a family outing. We laugh with Dr. Cortez, we stop by and say ‘hi’ to our favorite ball machine in the Dell Children’s lobby and we go out to lunch as a family. We celebrate our son’s good health and the expert care he received when he was only a few days old.

When my son had a check up with Dr. Cortez six months ago, we nervously asked him if he was going to retire anytime soon. “No way,” he reassured us. “I have kids in college, no retirement for me yet!”

Thank goodness! We felt immediately relieved. Knowing that your child has a top notch medical expert in their corner makes all the difference, and that’s why we will choose Dell Children’s every time. ♥️

5 Tips for Parenting through the Storm

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Mother With Baby Suffering From Post Natal DepressionUpdated February 2017: Since the new year is turning out to be just as intense as 2016, I updated this article and added one extra tip.

OK, 2016 is proving itself to be a pretty intense year… and it isn’t even over yet. News from around the world has been bleak. With multiple mass shootings and other incidents of violence around the country, the headlines in the States haven’t been much better. Regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum, the 2016 presidential campaigns and election were downright traumatic.

As a result, I’ve observed a wide range of emotions in my counseling clients over the last few weeks: frustration, grief, anxiety and rage, to name a few. Many of my clients have entered my office in tears. A few have asked me, How in the world do you parent your two young boys through some of these days?

My answer? Parenting is actually a source of solace and sanity for me. It is one constant in my life that I can always count on. It can still be challenging at times, considering the current state of affairs. But I’ve figure out some ways to manage the hardest moments. Here are my tips for weathering the storm as a parent, when you are feeling completely overwhelmed by the news of the day:

1. Don’t Shelter From All

From a very, very young age our kids are picking up on our emotions. They see us when we are sad or angry. They watch how we work through our feelings and reactions. They observe how we soothe ourselves, how we turn to others, how we talk to our partners and how we make plans for moving forward. Our kids learn about disappointment and loss, that life doesn’t always goes as expected. But they also learn about emotional intelligence, resilience and hope. In many cases, they see us fighting and advocating for what we believe is right. My advice? Don’t feel like you have to keep your eyes dry or your TV turned off whenever your kids are in the room. It is beneficial for them to see you being human and see your response to what’s happening in the world.

That being said….

2. Find a Balance in Exposure

Yes, our kids benefit from being exposed to current events and our emotional response. But there is also a fine line between teaching and traumatizing. Remember that very young children have a hard time differentiating between imagined or exaggerated threats and real threats. If they hear enraged and inflammatory language, if they view violent images on the TV, if they see us crying non-stop, they can begin to feel like the world is going to cease to exist. It can feel quite traumatic for them — they can feel unsafe.

The same goes for us.

If we expose ourselves to too much hate-filled talk, conflict and violence, we can also spiral into depression and despondency. My advice? Limit your exposure to the news and angry rhetoric. Shut off social media when you need to. And monitor how much you are processing the news around your kids. Take breaks when needed and go back to the daily activities that bring you solace… which takes me to my next point.

3. Find Peace in Your Routines and Rituals

The great thing about having kids, whether they are a newborn or a teenager, is that they keep you busy. Regardless of how discouraged or irate you are feeling, you still have to breastfeed, do laundry, read books at bedtime and tuck little ones in. Even when the political rhetoric reaches an all time low, you still have to drive the carpool, show up for work and wash the dishes.

Kids also bring you back to soothing rituals. Yesterday I was in my favorite grocery store, Central Market, when I spotted a big display of $2.49 chocolate Advent calendars. They had the same colorful Santa-themed prints on them that they have had for the last five years. My face lit up. We still have a few weeks before the start of December, but I bounced over to the display and bought five. Two for my boys, and three for anyone else I can bestow them on. Yes, the chocolates are tiny and crappy, but my kids really, really look forward to opening a chocolate surprise for 24 mornings in December. It is these small traditions, these tiny pleasures that keep us going when we feel defeated. Seek out your family rituals and routines. Find peace in the sameness of your days and years.

4. Choose A Few Actions or Causes to Focus Your Energy On

You are a busy parent, and you don’t have a lot of free time. But you want to feel like you are doing something, like you are contributing. My suggestion is to choose one or two causes to devote your energy to so that you don’t get overwhelmed. And then do small (or big) actions whenever you can squeeze them in. Make a call to a senator, write a letter to a public official, show up to a rally or write a check to an organization that you support. Don’t beat yourself up or overextend yourself if you have limited time and energy. Involve your kids if appropriate – they will remember the actions that you take when fighting for something you believe in for the rest of their lives.

5. Make Self-Care a Priority, More Than Ever

I touched on this during my first point, but I’ll say it again: our kids are watching how we sooth and take care of ourselves when we are upset. They learn SO much about self-care and boundaries from their parents.

Knowing this, please take care of yourself.

Go to bed early, get together with friends, go to a place of worship, schedule a massage or do whatever feels comforting to you. This will allow you to stay fully present with your children. It will also allow you to march on with whatever campaign you have aligned yourself with and to participate in your relationships and your job. If you feel like you are fighting depression or extreme anxiety, don’t hesitate to reach out to a counselor. Reach out to me! I will tell you what I tell all of my clients: You are not alone. You are definitely not alone…

Here’s to Sanity and Sameness,

Kirsten

 

Ode to the Real-Life Dad

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dad holding baby girl

I’m semi-sad to report that my boys have graduated from the sweet, moral-heavy cartoons of Disney, Nick Jr. and PBS. Gone are the cheerful songs and brightly colored shows of their baby-hood. I sort of miss Sesame Street. I don’t miss Backyardigans. Honestly, I could go the rest of my life without seeing another Little Einsteins episode, and be just fine.

Before you envy the fact that I am no longer subjected to songs about rocket ships and vegetables, let me fill you in on the next stage in youth programming. These days, if my kids have the TV on, which is not very often (thank goodness), the channel is tuned to Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon, and the shows are snarky, slapstick-y and subversive.

I’ve noticed that these “older kid” programs, regardless of whether they are a sitcom or a cartoon, follow the same format: There is some sort of family unit, there are goofy challenges that the kids or family faces and there is always, without exception, a “dumb dad” character. The father figure is clueless. He mumbles and bumbles around the set of the show, continually making bad decisions and acting like a fool, while his partner gently redirects him and cleans up his messes. In some cases the dad appears to be almost ape-like (ahem… Clarence) and in other shows the dad looks like he was held back a few decades or has consumed way too much beer and smoked way too much of something (Steven Universe and The Simpsons).

I’ve thought a lot about this goofy-father archetype and pondered its origin. Was it created by a fed-up feminist who was tired of male heroes dominating the silver and small screens? Is it a 21st century trend that just continues to stick? (The answer to the latter question is not really, since the father-figures in The Flintstones and The Jetsons were not too bright or capable either.)

Since I am neither a sociologist nor a TV-critic, I will refrain from delving deeper into the mystery of the “Dumb TV Dad”. But there is one thing I will state: Thank you heaven above that my husband is not like a Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon Dad.

real dad babies

Thank goodness that he thinks for himself and that he is my parenting partner in every sense of the word.

Thank goodness that I can leave my boys with him for the entire day when I go to work and know that he is going to have them fed, exercised, entertained and bedded by 9pm. In many ways, my husband is a better parent and all around human being than me. He is frequently the person I turn to when I get in a bind or make a mess (virtual or actual) – he gives great advice and knows how to fix anything and everything that can be fixed.

I’m happy to report that he is not a unique find in the world of 21st century dads. Today’s dads wear a lot of hats and often do it with aplomb. They change diapers, cook meals and plan out the day, right alongside their parenting partners. I happen to know a ton of these amazing guys – let me introduce some of them to you:

There’s Brian the Birth Guy who has been a devoted single dad to his two girls from the day they were born, and now helps other couples welcome babies into the world.

There’s Ron Malott, The Design Daddy, who adopted two newborns (within months of each other) with his partner, Mike, and is currently raising them to be two gorgeous, involved teenagers.

There’s my friend, Terry Cox, who went through a divorce when his son was still an infant, but didn’t skip a beat when it came to raising his little guy.

There’s David Rose, aka The Babywearing Dad, who follows the principles of attachment parenting and has “worn” his babies since infancy. Did I mention that he also teaches mindfulness techniques to other dads and moms?

There’s my friend and colleague, Jason Sipkowski, who worked hard to bond with his babies right from birth and continues to be an active co-parent in his children’s lives, following some enormous life-transitions.

I’m so glad that my boys have these men to look to as parenting role models. I’m hoping they see a sharp contrast between these real-life father figures and the doofuses they see on TV. And if they don’t, they are sure to hear the constant commentary from their mother while she is watching over their shoulder from the kitchen. (Why is that dad so idiotic? Why does that dad look like an obese rabbit? Why is he catching everything on fire? Why???) The message I hope they hear is that the majority of real dads look, and act, nothing like those silly cartoon characters. So… on that note, anyone want to pitch a new show to Cartoon Network with me??

Here’s to Strength and Real-Life Dads,

Kirsten

6 Survival Tips for Parenting When You’re Sick

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Holiday adventures.

Holiday adventures.

This Thanksgiving holiday I had a house full of extended family and a weather forecast full of rain. Despite the gloomy prognosis, I’m thrilled to announce that the visit went remarkably smoothly. The kids all got along – no meltdowns, no big brawls. The adults all got along – no meltdowns, no big brawls. We went on several adventures and had plenty of quality time at home. Overall, it was a very successful week… except for one thing: I got sick. Really sick.

My throat began feeling sore at the beginning of the visit and by the time my sister and her daughters boarded the plane home, I had a high-fever and could barely swallow. My doctor confirmed a diagnosis of strep and I went home with a prescription and an order to kick up my feet and rest.

For most moms I know, kicking up their feet and resting is a near impossibility. There are kids that need to be fed, bathed and bedded. Life doesn’t just stop because mom or dad isn’t feeling well. As the spot-on Nyquil commercials imply, Moms and Dads don’t get PTO or sick days, amIright?

 After 11 years of being a parent, I’ve done the sick-parenting thing many, many times, and I’m here to offer you support and suggestions (that actually don’t involve Nyquil, although I know parents who swear by the stuff):

1. Do the bare minimum: Forget the laundry. Pull out the paper plates. Housecleaning, baths and phone calls can wait. Make sure everyone gets fed and stays safe. All other tasks and priorities can be put on hold. The more your rest, the more quickly you will feel like yourself again. You can catch up on everything when you are well. And you will catch up – like Superwoman on steroids, because you’ll feel like a new person!

2. Call in the troops and ask for help: You’re probably thinking, Duh… This one is kind of a no brainer. But for many of us parents, asking for help and handing the reins to someone else can be challenging. When you are the captain of your ship, and your know exactly how your kids like their sandwiches and precisely what routine will help them go to the sleep at night, it is hard to ask someone to step in and do your job. Even your spouse! On the last day of my sister’s visit, my illness had rendered me pathetic. My husband was out, so I asked her to handle the last meal of the day with the kids. I could hear pans and dishing clanging in the kitchen and I made the conscious choice to let go and let her be in charge – not something that comes easy for me!

3. Make it a lesson in empathy: I’ve said this countless times before, but it is OK and even beneficial for our kids to see us being vulnerable and human. Moms and dads get sick too – we aren’t robots. As your little ones get older, you might be surprised with the tenderness and empathy they exhibit when they see you suffering with a cold. My 10 yr. old takes on a whole new level of independence when he observes me looking like death warmed over. Capitalize on these moments of role reversal and allow the little people to care for the caretaker (or at the least entertain themselves).

parenting when sick

4. Keep your germs to your self: There is only one thing worse than parenting when you are sick. Parenting when you AND your child are sick. Mark those episodes down as all time lows in the kid-rearing adventures. My recommendation? Wash your hands often, avoid close contact and cup sharing and let your partner or another healthy adult handle bath time and food prep if at all possible. Most of the time, it is fine to breastfeed because you are actually boosting your baby’s immunity, but be sure to ask your doctor. If you can keep the rest of your crew healthy, it will help to speed along your own healing.

5. Throw your “Perfect Parent” hat out the window: Perhaps you usually limit your kids to one hour of screen time a day? Maybe you make it a practice to get your baby out on a walk in the fresh air every afternoon? You probably have wonderful routines that make you the great parent that you are. Forget about all of that. Don’t worry about the TV being on all day or cold pizza being served for dinner. Your number one priority should be resting and getting well.

And now that I’ve given you those 5 tips, my final advice is…

6. Avoid getting sick in the first place: Do what works for you to keep your immune system strong and your stress levels down so that you stay healthy and well during the cold and flu season. (I’m really lecturing myself here.) Elderberry, Vitamin C, Emergencees — pick your potion and drink your liquids. Because, no matter how many tips I give you for parenting when you’re sick, it still kinda sucks. So wash your hands, get your sleep and keep your body strong. You’re doing the hardest job there is, and you need your strength to do it!

Here’s to Sanity and Echinacea,

Kirsten

Expect the Best, Prepare for the Worst

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Most parents I know have at least one, but usually multiple stories involving a pee or poop disaster out in public. In my case, it involved some Haribo Gummy Bears, a preschooler, a baby, a restaurant bathroom that had run out of paper towels and a diaper bag that was left at home. I tell this story not to gross you out (although you probably will be grossed out) but to help you learn from my obvious parenting gaffe.

It was a sunny afternoon and my kids and I were going stir crazy at home. I decided on a whim to whisk them off to an enormous play-scape, nestled in between a bunch of restaurants near our home. I considered grabbing the diaper bag but I noted that my toddler had just had a diaper change and my preschooler had recently conquered potty training. Our neighborhood was right across the street so we could run home if needed, right? (First big mistake.) I threw my boys, two sippy cups and myself in the car and took off. Three cheers for spontaneity!

gummy

Things began to go awry when my 3-year-old noticed an old bag of Haribo Gummy Bears in the car. Did you know that Haribo bears are famous for their laxative effect? Well… I didn’t. And being in the care-free mood that I was, I said, “Sure, have some gummy bears!” (Second big mistake.)

After arriving at the playground, we busied ourselves with typical climbing and swinging activities until it happened: My 3 yo. began walking toward me awkwardly and I noticed something oozing down his leg. Yup, the Haribo gummy bears had done their magic.

“Oh. No.” I muttered.

“OK… let’s get ourselves to the bathroom.” I scooped up one child in each arm and speed-walked my way to the closest restaurant and directly into their restroom, where I promptly discovered the absence of paper towels.

I’m not going to go into a lot of detail here, because you can probably imagine what happened next. With no diaper bag and no paper towels, I was pretty much helpless. I threw several items of clothing in the trash and did my best to mop up the rest of the mess with toilet paper. I only paused from my frantic clean up attempts to beg my toddler to “Please don’t crawl over there! Please don’t touch that! Please don’t put your fingers there!”

Fortunately my son’s t-shirt was long enough that when I carried him and his baby brother back through the playground, no one noticed that he was wearing nothing below the waist. My guardian angels threw me a bone when I found a spare towel in the trunk of my car. I wrapped him in it, strapped him in his car seat and headed home for a long, hot soak in the bath.

All in all, it wasn’t a big deal. A little poop. A little mess. A lot of embarrassment, especially when another woman walked into the restroom and visibly reacted to the odorous mayhem.

My take-away from the day? Never leave the house without the diaper bag. Just. Don’t.

The mistake I made that afternoon is that I expected the best but I didn’t prepare for the worst. That was outside the usual norm for me. Usually I am ALL OVER  the worst. Most parents I know naturally evolve into what I call “Worst Case Scenario Experts”. They are able to magically predict all of the possible scenarios that can arise in a certain situation and be amazingly prepared. I am a strong believer in positive thinking and the power of visualization. But when you become a parent, you also have to continually foresee all pitfalls and disasters.

Here are examples and suggestions for how this comes into play, all the way from pregnancy to older kids:

Labor & Delivery:

Expect the best – Visualize how you want the birth of your child to go. Your body was designed to do this incredible job. Go into the experience with confidence that you can make your birth plan work for you. Take childbirth classes and talk with experts who will give you information and tools to manage your pain and ultimately create the birth experience you want to have.

Prepare for the worst – Talk with your partner, your doula, your midwife and/or your doctor about Plan B if things don’t go as you hoped. How do you feel about the various pain-relief options? Are you open to epidurals? If you are planning a home birth, and need to be transported to a hospital, will you be prepared? In the event that you require an emergency C-section, does your doctor or midwife have a protocol that they follow?

Newborn Care & Breastfeeding:

Expect the best – Take infant care and breastfeeding classes to arm yourself with wisdom and guidance on how to proceed with these new tasks. The more info you have the more confident you will feel. Imagine yourself being a fabulous new parent. Even if you and your baby struggle with some of the new skills at first, you will most likely work out the kinks as time passes.

Prepare for the worst – Have the phone numbers of lactation consultants and sleep experts on standby in case you need a little advice or encouragement. Ask your experienced-parent friends if you can call them every once in awhile for mini-consults. Know that perfectly healthy infants struggle with reflux or colic at times – this does not mean you are a failure as a parent. Ask for help when needed.

Self-Care & Relationship Care:

Expect the best – You and your partner will be tired and emotional as new parents, but you will also find yourself experiencing periods of euphoria and incredible love for this little person you just brought into the world. You will also feel closer than ever at times. Visualize yourself easily navigating the physical strains of being new parents and getting stronger and more competent with time.

Prepare for the worst – If your friends want to set up a meal calendar, say yes! If they want to send in a cleaning service or a diaper service, say yes again! You can always cancel these things later if you feel like you don’t need them. If you are prone to depression or anxiety, don’t be afraid to reach out to a counselor ahead of the birth of your child. Ask close friends and family members to be on stand-by in case you and/or your partner need a sanity break or a rest. Stock your fridge with healthy foods and your Netflix queue with great flicks, so that you and your partner can enjoy all of the together time you will have in your family room.

Toddlers and Preschoolers:

Expect the best – Don’t think your life will be put on hold just because you have little ones. You can still go to the outdoor concerts, brewery parties and big family events. Your kids will benefit from being out and about. Expect that they are going to be thriving and growing as they get older. Get ready for tons of fun.

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Prepare for the worst – We went over this earlier, but let me repeat: always have a diaper bag filled with the basics (burp cloths, wipes, diapers, tissues, changing pad, change of clothes, snacks, sippy cups/bottles, plastic bags, etc.). Have it ready to go so you can grab it on a moment’s notice and always feel prepared. Have small toys or treats ready for those times you have to wait in a long line. Have a favorite blankie or stuffed animal ready for meltdowns. Don’t forget to bring a bottle of water and snacks for yourself. You need to take care of you!

And on a grander scale, if you have any concerns about your child’s development, behavior or sleep, do not be afraid or embarrassed to consult with your pediatrician or another expert.

And so it goes… As your kids get older, you will continue to prepare yourself for worst-case scenarios while fully enjoying their development more than ever. There will be less in your diaper bag and more experiences in your memory banks. Keep the positive expectations coming – you have some amazing stuff ahead of you!

Here’s to Strength and Gummy Bears,

Kirsten

How Do You Fret? The 8 Types of New Parent Worries :: Monday Musing

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anxiety new parent

Anxiety is a completely normal part of being a new parent. In fact, the worrying often begins before your child ever enters this world. During my first pregnancy, I remember being in a constant state of wonder. Wondering if my baby was healthy. Wondering if I would carry him full-term. Wondering if the birth would go as planned with no complications. So many things to wonder and fret about. It is enough to make the most Zen person in the world feel a little nutty.

After the baby arrives, many parents find themselves feeling anxious about a whole new class of concerns. I like to categorize these fears into 8 categories. I’ve listed the worries below with tips for combatting them (and experts to turn to when you need more help):

1. Control: Before we become parents, most of us feel an illusion of control. You control when you eat, when you sleep and how you take care of yourselves. When you conceive a child, you might suddenly feel like you are driving blind. You can’t see what is going on in your belly and you are expected to trust – that everything is OK. When the baby enters the world, no matter how much you want breastfeeding, sleeping and pooping to go exactly as planned, it often doesn’t. For anyone who considers themself to be a “control freak” (ahem… ME), life with a newborn can feel like unpredictable mayhem.

Suggestion: This is a great opportunity to surrender some of the control you have always grasped onto. Children force us to let go, follow our instincts and trust that we are going to figure things out as we go along. Things might not always go as planned, but they almost always turn out to be just fine. Reach out for help and guidance when needed. You don’t have to run this show completely on your own.

2. Safety: I visited a friend this summer who had a sweet, nine month old baby. She showed me this amazing mesh mattress in the baby’s crib that is supposed to reduce the risk of SIDS and suffocation. Listening to her talk about crib safety, I was reminded of my own safety-related fears. Fears of electrocution, strangulation, suffocation and on and on. If you read the multiple pages of warnings on all of your baby products, it makes you want to enclose your baby in a protective bubble.

Suggestion: Remind yourself that decades of statistics and research have gone into the development of most baby products. And if they prove to not be completely safe, they are quickly recalled. Read the guidelines, baby proof your home and then remind yourself that you kiddo is actually pretty sturdy. Staring at the baby monitor non-stop will often create more anxiety, so give your eyes and mind a rest when needed.

3. Germs & Illness: Most of us new parents get a big scare about germs immediately after our baby is born. We are cautioned to not let our little infant be held by anyone who is sick. We are also cautioned to not take them out and about until they are completely sturdy and immunized. Although this is wise advice, it is enough to make most moms want to hide in a cave with their infant and drench any visitors in hand sanitizer.

Suggestions: Follow your health care provider’s guidelines. But when you are given the go ahead to get out and about, do so! The fresh air and companionship will be good for both you and baby. Plus, many healthcare experts agree that exposing your older baby to germs and even illness is exactly what helps them to build a strong immune system.

4. Schedules: I made the mistake of reading The Baby Whisperer Book before the birth of my 2nd baby. After studying the prescribed sleep plan, I was determined to get my new baby on a very structured sleeping schedule from a very young age. Ummm, no. The more I tried to force my little guy on some sort of schedule, the more he fought it and the more anxious both of us became. That wasn’t the only schedule I felt anxious about; I was also closely watching the clock when it came to feeding and pooping.

Suggestions: Some babies fall very easily into a predictable structured schedule. Some babies, whether it be due to illness, colic, or temperament, will be all over the place at first. Don’t stress out too much about keeping things precisely on time. Most babies will eventually ease themselves into a somewhat steady schedule. Until then, go with the flow and reach out for help if you are feeling like you or your baby aren’t getting enough sleep or nourishment. (Reach out to our favorite sleep consultant, Lori at Strong Little Sleepers if needed.)

5. Comparisons: New parents are notorious for playing the comparison game. We watch when our friends’ babies roll over, sit up and walk. And then we compare them to our own babies. Both of my boys were late when it came to crawling and walking. But you know what? Now I can’t hold them back from running all over the neighborhood.

Suggestion: Resist the urge to compare. Just don’t. Babies all evolve and develop at their own pace. Remind yourself that everything and everyone tends to even out in the end. If you have concerns about your child’s development, express them to your pediatrician.

6. The “Right Way”: With my first baby in particular, I really wanted to do things the right way. Don’t ask me what that meant. I guess I wanted to follow some sort of best practices. The problem is that no one can agree on what those best practices are. Each baby book is slightly different. Each baby, home and set of circumstances is very different.

Suggestions: Find books, educators and providers that feel like a fit for you. Follow their suggestions, but remember that you will have to adjust as you go. No one will know your baby better than you do. Ultimately, you will become the expert on what is the right thing for your little one.

7. “Good Baby”: I hear new parents say this all the time: “She/he is a really good baby.” I cringe a little when I hear this because I wonder what it means to have a baby that is not good or a baby that is bad. Parents who have babies with colic or reflux may feel like they have failed in producing an easy infant. But that doesn’t mean that their baby is bad or a failure.

Suggestions: Babies are born with little individual temperaments. They also encounter challenges such as food intolerances and growth spurts. Resist the urge to slap any kind of label on your little one. Some of the most challenging newborns turn out to be the most angelic toddlers.

8. Feeding: This is a very common source of anxiety for new parents. When you start out with breastfeeding, it is tricky to know if your little one is getting enough nourishment. A lot of trust and practice is involved. Later when your baby starts solids, you might find yourself asking the same questions again: Is my little one getting enough food? Is she/he growing and thriving? How much is the right amount?

Suggestions: If you’re taking your little one to regular wellness checks, your doctor will be able to tell you if your baby is where they need to be. Usually they are. But if feeding is a constant source of anxiety for you, do not hesitate to reach out for more assistance or just plain reassurance. Brian the Birth Guy is one of our favorite lactation consultants. And Cheryl from Taste & See Healthy Baby Food is an excellent resource when is comes to solids.

Although some anxiety is a normal part of new parenthood, and will typically decrease with time, there are a small portion of new parents who find their worries growing until they are feel out of control. If your anxiety is interfering with your sleep or daily functioning, don’t feel like you have to cope on your own. Reach out for help and get the support you need. Both you and your baby will benefit.

Here’s to Sanity and Reaching Out,

Kirsten

7 Universal Truths of Parenting a Newborn :: Monday Musing

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Universal truths new parent

When you have a new baby, you realize a few things: Every birth story is unique. Every newborn has his/her own little personality and individual needs. Each couple goes about the task of parenting in their own customized way. In spite of all of these differences, there are seven truths that almost all new parents will encounter. We list them out here and give you suggestions for dealing with them:

1. You’ll be sleep-deprived for a period of time. Newborns have to eat throughout the night. Sleep patterns don’t get established for several months. Your normal sleep patterns will be disturbed. Suggestions: Take naps and sleep when you can. Take turns getting up with the baby. Remind yourself that things will improve.

2. You will have to work as a team more than ever. A new baby is a two-person job. While one person changes a diaper, the other one can make coffee. While one rests, the other can hold the newborn. Suggestions: View your new infant as a team project. You two can take on this challenge together and you will be stronger as a couple as a result. If you are a single parent, surround yourself with supportive helpers who can give you breaks when needed.

3. There will be a learning curve. Both you and your baby have to figure out how things are going to work. Things won’t go perfectly at first… and every time you get something sorted out, everything will change. Suggestions: Be patient with yourself, your partner and your baby. Don’t expect things to run completely smoothly right off the bat.

4. You and your partner will feel closer than ever at times and more distant than ever at times. Seeing your partner care for an infant is a beautiful thing, and you might find yourself feeling more attracted than ever. On the other hand, a newborn requires a lot of attention, which takes time away from connecting with each other. Suggestions: Connect with each other when you can. A hug. A cuddle on the couch. Remind yourself and your partner that this is all temporary!

5. There will be emotional ups and downs. Hormones, sleep-deprivation, frustration and anxiety can make both parents (but especially mom) feel emotional. This is normal and will get better with time. Suggestions: Let the feelings flow and offer each other comfort and understanding. If feelings of depression or anxiety seem insurmountable, talk to your doctor or a counselor.

6. Your parenting will be influenced by the parenting you received. Your parents were your first role model. Sometimes this creates anxiety if your childhood was less than perfect or if your relationship is strained with your parents. Other times, you might feel confidence and optimism – perhaps you have super fond memories of your childhood. Know that your feelings about parenting, negative or positive, were influenced by your childhood, but that you can mold yourself into the parent you want to be. Suggestions: Decide how you want to do things differently and how you want to do things exactly the same.

7. Things will get easier. They will. As the months and years pass by, you will have more time to yourself and more time with each other. And you will appreciate it more than ever. You will also feel more confident as a parent. Give yourself a high five for becoming a parent! You can do this.

Here’s to Sanity and The Universe,

Kirsten

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A Different Kind of Discipline :: Wednesday Wisdom

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Caitlyn Weeks, MA, LPC-I

Caitlyn Weeks, MA, LPC-I

Most parents struggle with behavior management issues at some point in their child’s development. For some, the challenges might begin at 18 months when a little one tries out their first tantrum. Other parents don’t see behavior issues until they have teenagers in the house. They are the lucky few. Regardless of when the challenges occur, it is great to have a discipline philosophy ready and waiting. (Something that I certainly didn’t think of when I had my first baby!)

Natalie Love,

Natalie Love, LMFT-A, LPC

That is precisely why I wanted to interview Caitlyn Weeks, MA, LPC-Intern and Natalie Love, LMFT-A, LPC , two individuals who know a lot about the Positive Discipline approach to parenting and behavior management. Caitlyn works with parents, teens and families at Austin Family Counseling, under the supervision of Lora Ferguson, LPC-S. Natalie also practices at Austin Family Counseling and specializes in adults, couples and LBGTQ+ clients. Both hold the title of Certified Positive Discipline Parenting Educator and both are amazing resources for parents, families and teens in Austin. To read more about Caitlyn and Natalie’s backgrounds and specialties, click on their photos.

BPP: How did you two become interested in learning more about the Positive Discipline (PD) philosophy?

Caitlyn: While wading through a mountain of models and resources in graduate school, one of my favorite professors introduced me to Positive Discipline. This was around the time that I was really embracing the concept of working with families as unique systems (instead of individuals in isolation). Because I have a passion for working with teens, I was looking for a way to invite parents into the work and offer tools that would be beneficial for the whole system. The long-term benefits of PD really connected with how I experienced my parents as a child and how I relate to them as an adult. I wanted to learn more and pursued advanced training in 2013 and have been using the model with families in sessions, seminars, and groups ever since.

Natalie: When I started working with Austin Family Counseling, many of the therapists were trained in Positive Discipline. When I began learning about the approach I was really interested in how to apply the model in my own family. I was drawn to the model because it focuses on connection and encouragement rather than rewards and punishments. I was feeling discouraged as a new parent and was getting advice from my own mother and in-laws on how to do things, but didn’t really agree with some of their approaches. When I started applying PD at home my own mother was a little skeptical. She wanted to know where the punishment came in, because that is how she learned to parent. It has been so rewarding to see our extended family get on-board with this model (despite their initial skepticism) as they see how effective and beneficial it has been (and continues to be) for both our son and family as a whole.

BPP: Can you describe the foundation/basics of this discipline style?

Caitlyn: At its core, Positive Discipline is based on fostering connection in relationships. Dr. Jane Nelsen developed the model while studying the work of psychologists Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikers and attempting to make sense of her own family life and parenting strategies in the process. PD is designed to help families engage with social and life skills that encourage the development of respectful, responsible, and resourceful young people.

The five basic goals of the Positive Discipline approach:

  • balance kindness and firmness
  • promote connection
  • achieve long-term effectiveness
  • teach social and life skills for good character
  • invite the discovery of capability and appropriate/constructive use of personal power

Positive Discipline Tools focus on:

  • modeling and promoting mutual respect
  • learning effective communication and problem solving skills
  • prioritizing solutions instead of punishment and encouragement instead of praise
  • recognizing mistakes as opportunities for learning without permissiveness or punishment

Parents are also able to move beyond behavior modification by gaining an understanding of the beliefs children hold at the core of misbehaviors and how to work with those beliefs or “mistaken goals” of behavior in the long-term.

BPP: What do you believe sets PD apart from other behavior management or parenting approaches?

Caitlyn: This model isn’t about becoming a perfect parent. Many parents come to this model with “resource fatigue” and find relief in our hands-on application of tools. PD invites action in an approachable way and teaches concepts through experiential activities that encourage parents to practice tools and strategies in a fun, supportive, and engaging community. PD also focuses on successes and challenges, not simply misbehavior. Parents learn how to truly encourage their children and celebrate their unique gifts and talents while helping them become capable, empowered young people and fostering self-esteem.

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BPP: What are the benefits of using this philosophy with kids?

Natalie: When you identify the underlying belief behind a child’s behavior it allows for connection and compassion, which I feel creates a stronger, more trusting relationship between the parent and child. Parenting is not easy but when we can maintain connection with our children, I feel it can be less discouraging when facing expected and inevitable challenges.

BPP: How early do you recommend parents start using these concepts with their children?

Natalie: I first began learning about PD when my son was about 2 years old. A lot of the tools were not easily applicable with him because he wasn’t verbal enough or did not yet have the ability to comprehend some of the ideas. However, learning and grasping the concepts as a parent was still very helpful for me in understanding his behaviors. Now he is 3 ½ and we are able to apply more of the tangible tools which have been really effective. I think parents of any age child can benefit from learning the model, but implementing some of the specific activities and tools is probably easier with children that are 3 and up.

Caitlyn: I agree with Natalie that the framework of the model is helpful at any age, but the tools really become useful around age 3 and up. This model is also fantastic for families with teens and I use it regularly in that way. Regardless of the age of the child(ren), this work invites parents to develop a greater understanding of they were parented and how those experiences inform the way they parent their own children. During times of challenge, we often revert to the type of parenting we experienced as children, so the awareness this model brings is invaluable in empowering parents to be proactive instead of reactive. Personally, I find the tools are also relevant to my relationship with my husband and we do our best to use the communication strategies frequently. A specific model for couples is currently in development and we’re looking forward to its release.

BPP: How can parents learn more about PD and start using the techniques with their own children?

Natalie: Reading the books is definitely helpful, but I have found the workshops and groups to be most effective for me in really grasping the concepts. There is something very powerful about the experiential piece, especially when co-parents can participate together! It is fun and interactive and having the shared experience helps lessen some of the shame and fear that come up as a parent. Austin Family Counseling is offering brief introductory sessions to Positive Discipline for those interested in learning more or getting a refresher on a specific topic. I think that is a really approachable way to get a feel for PD before committing to a full workshop. For those who are ready to take the plunge, our practice also offers 8-week and weekend intensive groups for parents.

Caitlyn: In addition to books and workshops, parent coaching is an invaluable way to engage with the model. With parent coaching, we offer one-on-one sessions tailored to fit your unique parenting concerns and challenges. My coaching clients receive a combination of resources and materials, “troubleshooting,” a safe place to vent constructively, and plenty of accountability and encouragement. The Austin Family Counseling Blog frequently features PD topics and is a great way to learn more about our therapists who offer parent coaching. I also think the Positive Discipline Blog is a wonderful resource for parents who are curious and interested in learning more.

BPP: Does it help with some of the biggest parent stressors such as tantrums and potty training?

Natalie: Definitely! The book, Positive Discipline A-Z: 1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems book is one of my “go-to” resources for day to day parenting stressors.  You can quickly look up a topic, like tantrums, hitting, etc. and find tangible suggestions & considerations related to the issue.

BPP: What does this model look like in a private practice setting? Do you use the concepts from the PD model in your work with young clients and families?

Caitlyn: I use this model daily. Many parents come in with specific challenges or topics they would like to address and I find that Positive Discipline provides concrete, proactive strategies that lead to long-lasting results. With my teen clients, we use PD to discover empowering ways to interact with parents and other adults (teachers, coaches, bosses, etc.). The relational emphasis of PD also offers a great framework for exploring peer relationships, dating, and identity development. Regardless of the age of the client, I do my best to create an environment that is rooted in values of mutual respect, kindness, firmness, and trust. When interactions are supportive, safe, and reliable we feel better; when we feel better, we do better.

Natalie: I work mostly with adults and couples and definitely find this approach applicable! I often apply these concepts with couples and they love being able to take it home and apply it with their families. It is empowering for couples to take the tangible tools that they can relate to themselves and then see the impact it has on their family as a whole.

BPP: If you had to give one piece of sanity-saving advice to new parents, what would it be?  

Natalie: You are not alone and this journey is not about being perfect! Try not to compare yourself to others, especially what you see on social media etc. People like to portray their “best selves” to the public, but we can all connect with the struggle. It’s more vulnerable to show the messy side of parenting, but it is much more authentic! This is not easy and that is okay. We can support one another, so don’t be afraid to reach out!

Caitlyn: I couldn’t have said it better. Even if it were possible to be a perfect parent, who wants to be around “perfect”? Perfection is a dangerous goal that creates automatic failure for ourselves and others. It also gets in the way of some of our most valuable opportunities for repair, connection, and growth. When you open yourself to the practice of embracing mistakes as wonderful opportunities for learning, the need for perfection falls away and creates space for something much more amazing. Recognize mistakes, learn from them, and ask for help and support as often as you need it!

Want to learn more about Caitlyn? Have a question for her? Go to this link: http://austinfamilycounseling.com/caitlyn-weeks/

Want to learn more about Natalie? Have a question for her? Go to this link: http://austinfamilycounseling.com/natalie-love/

I wish I had learned about Positive Discipline years ago when my boys were little guys! I appreciate Caitlyn and Natalie taking the time to fill us in on this wonderful discipline philosophy. It sounds like the perfect fit for 21st century parents. – KB ♥

Alone with Baby – 3 Ways to Reduce Flying Solo Fear :: Tuesday Tip

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solo_parenting

My friend Val said the weirdest thing to my colicky infant daughter: “Sweet baby… I’m not afraid of you!”  Once I was sure I’d heard her correctly, I realized that I was, in fact, afraid of my child.  Not in a “Rosemary’s Baby” sort of way. I was afraid of my perceived lack of ability to adequately care for her.  Her crying jags were starting around 2 am and lasting for a couple of hours, and the fall of night signaled another confrontation with my novice mommy status and cluelessness about how to soothe her. It was getting close to the end of visiting family, scheduled friend drop-bys, and J’s time off from his night shift.  My anxiety about my first night alone with her was intensifying.  We all got through it, but in retrospect, it didn’t have to be as grueling on me emotionally. Here’s what I would do differently:

1. I wouldn’t be a hero. You don’t have to do this on your own to prove your parenting ability to anyone. Delay being alone with your new baby as long as possible, and minimize how often you’re alone during the first 4 months. Other cultures have entire tribes sharing the parenting responsibility, but somewhere we got the idea that doing it alone is necessary. So much learning is taking place, and the curve is very steep. Even if everything is going well and your baby has very few adjustment issues, the weight of this new responsibility is intense. Just having someone in the house (your partner, a friend or family member, a night nanny), even if you don’t wind up needing any tangible help from them, can keep you calm and grounded.

2. I would talk through my fears with someone I trust, fast. Things rattling around in your head have a tendency to get bigger when they’re not shared. I didn’t realize how much fear I was sitting in until Val’s comment alerted me to it, which got the ball rolling. I acknowledged what was going on for me emotionally, opened up about it, and ultimately got the extra support I needed.

3. I would tell guilt to go to hell. I experienced so much pointless self-doubt and incrimination. I was convinced my daughter’s distress was my fault: not enough milk, not enough nurturing, and on really wacky nights, some sort of karmic backlash. Crap! All of it! She had colic! During the first few months, I recommend daily giving yourself a pass. Do everything you can to keep your baby and yourself safe and healthy, get help when you need it, and consider letting the rest go.

Here’s To Sanity and Tribes,

Cheryl

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6 Pointers for the Duke & Duchess – Or ANY Couple Expecting Their Second Child :: Tuesday Tip

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Expecting Your Second Child

Let me be clear. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have not asked for my parenting pointers. In fact, you’re probably thinking that the last thing they need is my advice, being that they have a personal nanny and plenty of family support on board. Nevertheless — I think that Kate and William wipe snotty noses and get up for night feedings just like the rest of us. And because I wish someone had given me more information about what it’s like to be a parent of two, I’m sharing a few unsolicited words of warning, available to any and all expectant parents who are preparing for a second birth:

1. You might curse yourself for having two children so close in age, and then pat yourself on the back for the very same thing later. For the next year, it will be a little bit intense around the palace. Instead of double the work, it will feel like triple or quadruple the effort. Lots of crying, plenty of spills, a ton of diapers. Not a lot of sleep. But later on, when your little tikes are best friends, you will be thrilled that you didn’t wait a day longer to introduce a second kid to your tribe. My suggestion: Fasten your seatbelt and get ready for a wild ride. It will become more and more enjoyable as the months tick by.

 

2. There may be moments when you don’t like your eldest child. Notice that I said like, not love. You will always love and cherish your firstborn. He is the one who launched your parenting adventure and the sentimental feelings run high. But when you place a toddler next to a tiny, precious newborn, the toddler often seems like a lumbering, clumsy giant who is determined to make your life challenging for an extended period of time. A toddler who is introduced to a new brother or sister often experiences a strange mixture of excitement and rage. Excitement that they have a new sibling and plaything. Rage that this new little creature needs a ton of mum’s attention. My suggestions: Know that your feelings of frustration with your eldest are normal and make sure to put aside one-on-one time with your little first-born. He will regain his adorable status in your eyes again soon.

 

3. There WILL be times when both children are screaming at the SAME time, and both want their mom (or mummy as little George probably calls the Duchess). Yes, you have a nanny, and a wonderful husband, and adoring grandparents, but there will be moments when both of those babies want their mother, and no one else will do. If you could cut yourself in half, you would. But since you can’t, here are my suggestions: Take a big breath, hand one of the crying creatures to another loving adult, and tend to one kiddo at a time. The other child will survive the brief absence of your attention and might even benefit from knowing that they have to share mummy’s time.

 

4. It may seem like you are never going to spend one-on-one time with your partner again, except when you are sleep-walking zombies, passing each other in the middle of the night. As I said in warning #1, things are going to be challenging for a little while and it will be tough to find time to connect with your partner without a little person attached at the hip. My suggestion: Find time with each other when you can. Plop down on the couch and watch an episode of Downton Abbey while holding hands, load the kids up in a double stroller and go for a walk in the garden or cuddle up in bed when your babies give you an hour or two to rest. You’ll be going on international adventures together before you know it, but for the first few months, your couple time is going to be slim.

 

5. You might feel more relaxed about the care of your second little one, and you might find yourself feeling a little guilty about that. After you have survived a year with an infant, you realize that they are not quite as fragile as they first seemed. It is common to feel more at ease with number two and more accepting of help and assistance. Since you have two kids to look after, you will not be able to give the second one the anxious, unwavering attention that you gave the first. My suggestion: You learned a lot with the baby number one, so don’t feel bad about putting your experience to use and relaxing a little more. Both kids will thrive even if the parenting they receive is slightly different.

 

6. You will look at your children a few years down the line, when they are attached at the hip and best friends, and be so glad that you opted to have two. There is nothing more heart-warming than seeing a pair of sweet siblings hold each other tight and pose for a photo. Or hearing them chat away in their double pram as you walk them down the path. Or seeing them stand up for each other against a big ol’ bully later on in life. You’ve made an excellent decision to have a second baby and you have a slew of amazing parenting moments ahead of you.

Take a big breath, get through these first few months, and then prepare to enjoy your growing family — you have some jolly good times ahead of you.

Here’s to Strength and Double Prams,

Kirsten

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Playing Favorites :: Monday Musing

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Coping With Parental Jealousy

My family was cruising along in our car the other day when my 6 year-old piped up, “Mom, are you going in to the office tonight or are you staying home with us?”

“Staying home buddy,” I replied.

“Yay!” he squealed with an enthusiasm that implied that I am never, ever home. Which is amusing since I am almost always home. “I want you to give me a bath. And read books to me. And put me to bed. Ok, Mom? Ok?”

“What am I? Chopped liver?” my husband chimed in. ”What’s wrong with me putting you to bed?” He was mostly joking. But he also had a tone of genuine curiosity that communicated, what exactly does your mom do better than me?

He didn’t get his answer. The conversation quickly moved to the cool red Mustang that was racing by in the fast lane. Undistracted by the sports car, my mind was left on the subject of favorites. I understand why my boys favor me when it comes to daily routines. I’m kinder and gentler… some would say a pushover. I gave birth to them. I breastfed them. I woke up with them in the middle of the night, over and over and over again. My body is softer, my tone is softer… I’m just soft.

Truth be told, there have been times when I’ve wanted to stand in the middle of the room and scream, “I don’t want to be anyone’s favorite right now! Hand’s off, people. Back away from the mothership. Fend for yourself. I need some space!”

When I start feeling that way, I know it’s time to schedule a meeting or a girl’s night, and excuse myself for a few hours. Turning on Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” and doing a crazy, gyrating dance in the kitchen also does wonders.

My husband, Todd, takes our boys’ favoritism with a grain of salt. He is usually quite happy to say, “You want your mom? Great. I have things to do in the garage,” and saunter out of the house with a satisfied look on his face. Perhaps he shrugs off their requests for mama because he knows their opinions and preferences change as frequently as the Texas weather. He’s well aware that they switch allegiances when convenient, declaring their devotion to Daddy. Dad’s better at teaching us how to ride a bike, Mom. Dad lets us order root beer, Mom.  Dad will be able to fix that when he gets home. Dad’s just better, Mom…

He really is better sometimes. There are days when I come home from work, and I notice the wide smiles. My three men have been out and about on some adventure and they did just fine. In fact, more than just fine. It’s those moments when I know the favoritism is fleeting and shallowly anchored at best. Our boys love their mom and dad equally and benefit from our unique strengths, even if they don’t always recognize it.

When you have a family of distinctive individuals (and not uniform robots) there will be a natural flow in the relationships. Sometimes your children will instinctively lean toward you. Other times it will be your partner. Sometimes one of your kids will seem like an angel flown in from heaven, who can’t do anything wrong. Wait a few days and that same child might resemble a demon, determined to make your life a living hell. Resist the urge to latch onto permanent labels such as “easier child”, “better parent”, “Daddy’s girl”, or “Mommy’s boy”. When we put ourselves or our children in these favoritism-tinged boxes, we limit our family’s ability to flex and evolve with changing circumstances. Instead of buying into favoritism, go with the flow and focus on simply loving. Your family might resemble lumpy, uneven cake batter at times, but with consistent love and warmth, everything will sweetly even out in the end.

Here’s to Sanity and Shaking It Off,

Kirsten

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Just Say No to Holiday Stress :: Tuesday Tip

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I frequently get asked if my counseling practice slows down during the holidays.  The answer is No.  The holiday season is notorious for being a stressful time and my clients can attest to that.  Expectations are sky-high, schedules are jam-packed and family members get testy as a result of all the togetherness.  Even I can feel bogged down by my mile-long To-Do list that does anything but put me in the holiday spirit.

Stress Free Holidays

When my husband and I started a family, I assumed that my babies were going to hand me a one-way ticket to holiday bliss.  I couldn’t wait to introduce them to all of the little traditions that I remembered from childhood.  My littles clearly did not feel the urgency that I did.  In spite of the calendar indicating that it was a very special day, our boys still required naps, still got the sniffles, still had nuclear meltdowns and still got into squabbles.  I quickly realized that I needed to simplify the holidays more than ever in order to maximize enjoyment and minimize stress.

When you are a new parent, here are some things you might want to Just Say NO To:

  • Traveling back and forth between separate family events on the same day.
  • Lugging the whole family to faraway destinations to celebrate with distant relatives.
  • Feeling like you have to keep up with everybody’s extravagant gift giving. (Consider asking friends and family to set a price limit, do a gift exchange or skip gifts for adults all together.)
  • Hosting the whole clan at your house (including your single neighbor and your Great Aunt Marge) on the big day.
  • Wanting your home to look like it popped out of a Better Homes & Gardens magazine.
  • Cooking the turkey, dressing and pies all by yourself for your holiday meal.  (Consider catering or potluck.)
  • Sending out perfectly designed holiday cards with matching address labels.
  • Feeling like you have to shower your young children (who aren’t even quite sure what is going on) with loads of presents.
  • Thinking that everyone’s holiday is merrier than yours. (Cuz it isn’t.)
  • Having breakable ornaments or decorations anywhere within reach of your toddler, because they WILL be shattered.
  • Participating in any activity or event that you don’t find completely delicious.

I’m going to insert a big UNLESS here. Say ‘no’ to all of the above UNLESS one or more of the activities bring you joy.  I’ll give you an example: Cheryl is a superb cook (as you can probably tell from the Foodie section on our blog) and truly enjoys preparing a feast.  I, on the other hand, am no Julia Child and would much rather kick my feet up on the sofa with some spiked eggnog and A Christmas Story playing in the background.  While Cheryl might say ‘yes’ to hosting a big holiday meal and might even do most of the cooking herself (and might create a spread worthy of the royal family), I am more likely to head to my parents’ house or ask everyone to contribute a dish.  Say ‘yes’ to what makes you happy and ‘no’ to anything that sounds draining.  You have our permission.

Other things to consider Just Saying YES To:

  • Structuring your schedule around your baby’s sleeping and eating routines so you don’t have a grumpy child the rest of the holiday.
  • Staying home if you want to. (Being a new parent is a great excuse. Use it!)
  • Starting small family traditions that will stick in your children’s head more than any gift will.  (Examples: We fix a big Christmas brunch and stay in our pajamas most of the day.  We love looking at neighborhood lights in a convertible mustang with hot cocoa.  I awkwardly play holiday music on the piano while my kids throw out exaggerated groans.  Some of our friends set up a puzzle on a card table or go see a movie.)
  • Pushing the commercialism aside and reminding yourself and your kids about why the holiday was created in the first place.
  • Maintaining realistic expectations of the day.  Your little ones don’t have a built-in calendar app in their head.  Expect them to still act like kids.

I have to admit that our holidays have become more and more enjoyable as my boys have gotten older.  They anticipate the holidays with excitement, they look forward to our silly little traditions and they keep their hands off the delicate tree ornaments.  (Yes, this can be a reality for you too.)  But they still end up in occasional fist fights or start the “I’m booooored” chant in the afternoon.  When you have kids, your holidays might look like any other day with a handful of sparkly extras.  Enjoy the sparkle and try to roll with the rest.

Here’s to Sanity and The Christmas Story,

Kirsten

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On Raising Boys :: Wednesday Wisdom

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Max Wachtel Tips On Raising Boys Meet Dr. Max Wachtel.  He is a trained forensic psychologist with a clinical practice in the Denver, Colorado area.  One of his main focuses is helping parents improve their kids’ lives.  He is also the 9News Psychologist for KUSA TV in Denver, where he regularly produces content highlighting new psychological research and parenting resources.  He is a marathon runner and was an avid snowboarder (until he broke his collarbone last year–this year he is feeling less enthusiastic about that endeavor).  He is also the recent author of The One Rule For Boys: How Empathy and Emotional Understanding Will Improve Just About Everything For Your Son.  We wanted to chat with him about his new book, which is getting loads of attention and praise, and learn more about the work he is doing to partner with parents of boys.

BPP: You have practiced for many years as a forensic psychologist.  What initially drew you to work with criminal offenders and the court system?

MW: For years prior to grad school, I was fascinated by crime and by the law.  I also had a strong interest in figuring out what makes people tick.  In school, I focused on assessment and testing, and it seemed natural to combine that with my interest in forensics.  I find it intriguing to evaluate people who have done some extremely bad things and try to figure out their mental state.  I have worked with murderers, sex offenders, and domestic abusers–one of the most amazing things I learned is just how ‘normal’ many of these criminals are (not counting the psychopaths).  For most of them, a more stable childhood and/or good mental health treatment would have likely kept them from ending up in jail.

BPP: Later in your career, you switched gears and added parenting to your areas of expertise. How did your work with the prison population prepare you for consulting on parenting issues?

MW: Another surprising revelation from my work was the similarity in the stories I heard from offenders’ childhoods.  Abuse, emotional neglect, a lot of strife in the home–these are extremely common for people who end up in jail.  I don’t want to say it is their parents’ fault, because I work with adult offenders who make their own good or bad choices.  But, many of these offenders started life off on the wrong foot, which probably made it harder for them to succeed. Because of those common stories, it occurred to me that I am in a unique position to help parents.  I have heard the absolute worst in parenting stories (things that I sometimes still picture when I close my eyes at night) — and I also know most parents do a pretty good job with their kids.  But, everyone can be better, and when I have the opportunity to help struggling parents turn their family around, I feel like I am making a difference.

Dr. W and his kids gearing up for the snow.

Dr. W and his kids gearing up for the snow.

BPP: In what ways did becoming a father impact your work in the jail system and in your counseling practice?

MW: I have discovered that being a dad and spending a lot of time in jail (as an evaluator, not an offender) are often incompatible.  First, every time I go to a jail to meet with an inmate, I see an adult there with a young child who is going to visit his or her incarcerated parent.  It breaks my heart to think that these kids are becoming so familiar with jail at such a young age.  Secondly, it has been a lot harder for me to shake off the horrible things some offenders have done to their children. At the same time, becoming a dad was a major motivator for me to do more than evaluate and assess for psychopathology.  In addition to that work, which I still enjoy, having kids of my own made me want to help improve the lives of parents and children in order to avoid major problems in the future.

BPP: You are a well-known TV personality in Denver and make regular appearances on 9News as a parenting expert. What are some of the parenting topics that you are asked to speak about?

MW: Yes, in addition to my clinical practice, I am the 9News Psychologist. I am on television several times per week discussing a wide range of issues. 9News is owned by a company with news outlets nationally, so I am often asked to comment on national crime stories that have a psychological angle to them — school shootings, domestic abuse, unusual behavior, and child abuse are the most common.  I talk about issues ranging from what causes people to do the things they do, to the effects of crime on the victim, to handling crime-induced PTSD.  In Denver, a big ongoing story is the Aurora theater shooting.  Several of my students from when I taught at the University of Denver were in the theater that night, and one of them was killed.  That is always a tough topic for me to discuss.

On a more positive note, I am able to contribute original content for 9News as well, so I tend to focus on parenting issues whenever I get the chance.  I talk about the importance of empathy, dealing with bullies, online issues, discipline, and other parenting tips.

BPP: Do you consult with parent and families one-one-one?  If so, what issues do you typically help families with?

MW: I do work with families one-on-one on occasion. Typically, this is when a family is having difficulty with one of their kids, and I am called in to help assess the situation and develop a treatment plan.  Most of my parenting work comes through the media and my new book, though.

BPP:  You recently released your new book, The One Rule For Boys. Congrats! Can you share what inspired you to write this book aimed at the parents of boys?

MW: Let me start with the negative inspiration first: About a year after the Aurora theater shooting, where one of my former students was killed and I witnessed the trauma inflicted upon his family and friends, Newtown happened.  I heard the news that morning, and I almost immediately threw up.  It hit me so hard–I cried pretty much all day.  I alternated between being semi-catatonic and doing interviews for news agencies all over the globe.  My last interview wrapped up at 11:30 PM, and it was for a morning Sky News broadcast in London.  When I was done with the interview, I collapsed emotionally, but I also decided I needed to write a book that could have the potential to eliminate the horror of school shootings.

Now for the positive inspiration:  After a few weeks of mulling it over, I realized that, as horrendous as school shootings are, the vast majority of parents do not raise little psychopaths.  They are good people raising good kids.  But, the fact still remains that we can do better as a society in raising boys who are assertive as opposed to aggressive.  Boys who treat others with respect.  Boys who stand up for what is right.  Most parents are already doing a decent job, and I wanted to write a book that improves upon that. After reading hundreds of studies and giving it a lot of reflective thought, it turns out that teaching parents to encourage empathy and emotional understanding in their boys is the key. It may be surprising to learn, but those skills improve just about every area of a boy’s life.

BPP: Both Cheryl and I have little guys, and will be definitely be picking up a copy. Can you give us a preview of a few of your main points?

MW: A few of the big points from the book:

  1. Model the behavior you want your kids to display. Whether it seems like it or not, they are watching you, and they are copying you. They will pick up your good behaviors, but they will also very quickly pick up bad habits too.
  2. There is a major difference between empathy, sympathy, and compassion. It is important to understand these differences in order to know how to teach your boys to be empathic. It can be good to be compassionate, and it can be good to be sympathetic–but empathy is what will give you the most bang for your buck. It will help your boys do better in school, have more friends, be in healthier romantic relationships, get into college, be happier in life, be more assertive, be better leaders, and get better jobs.
  3. Don’t panic. You are not the perfect parent. You don’t need to be the perfect parent. You are probably already doing a good job with your boys. But, you can probably tweak a few things in order to go from good to great!

BPP: Do you feel like there are challenges that are unique to raising a son? If so, what are they?

MW: In many ways, boys and girls are very similar. I cover this research in my book — boys and girls are born with the same levels of empathy, aggression, anger, impulsivity, and lovingness.  If there is anything unique about boys, it is in the way our society socializes them compared to girls.  And, many of what are considered to be traditionally masculine traits are causing problems for boys.  For example, it is becoming less socially acceptable to be overly aggressive, hostile, and domineering.  It is less socially acceptable to bully or to sexually harass someone, and men are not being rewarded in the same way for this outmoded type of behavior.  As a result, girls are now doing better in school than boys.  Women are graduating from college at higher rates.  They are starting to gain more leadership positions in both the public and private sector.  They are starting to take over the world — and that is not a bad thing!  Except, if we continue to raise generation after generation of boys who cannot keep up with the amazing women of the world, that is going to be a problem.  I want to help fix that.

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saver to expectant or new parents, what would it be?

MW:

  1. Don’t try to be the perfect parent. It will drive you crazy. Just try to be good enough, and hang on for the ride.
  2. Don’t isolate yourself from the world. It can be hard when you are exhausted and busy, but the more you get out with your little ones, the happier you will be.
  3. Buy a lot of cloth diapers. Even if you are using disposables with your kids, cloth diapers work extremely well as burp cloths, barf rags, spill wiper uppers, and so on. They are really cheap, easy to wash, and you can cram a bunch of them in a diaper bag very easily. My kids are six and eight, and to be honest, I kind of miss having the cloth diapers around. They are really handy.

Thank you Dr. Wachtel for taking the time to talk to us about the impactful work you are doing with parents!

If you are interested in purchasing his book, The One Rule For Boys, you can order a copy directly from his site and he will personally sign it, just for you. As Dr. Wachtel says, “They make great holiday gifts. After all, nothing says, ‘I think you are doing it wrong’ like receiving a parenting book from a friend or loved one.” Ha, ha – we agree Dr. W! C & K ♥

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Follow Dr. Wachtel – he’s a lot of fun!

On Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/drmaxwachtel

On Twitter at:  http://www.twitter.com/mwachtel

Read all about his great book at his Amazon page: http://www.amazon.com/author/drmaxwachtel

Pregnancy and Parenthood – More Alike Than Different :: Monday Musing

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Pregnancy and Parenting Similarities

Experiences in the baby and parenting world are often broken down into prenatal and postpartum.  Before baby and after baby.  With all of the emphasis on these two states of being, you would think that a new chronological era begins after the birth of your little one. This can feel daunting.  The truth is that there are numerous parallels between pregnancy and parenting. I’m going to argue that the prenatal challenges you endure actually prepare your body and mind to raise a little person. Here’s how:

Ten Trillion Decisions: The second that you and your partner see the positive pregnancy test, the joint decisions begin. Hospital or home-birth? Doctor, midwife and/or doula? What baby items do you register for? And on and on… When baby arrives, the choices don’t end, but you’ve had nine months of practicing effective decision-making with your partner. Bring on the the options, you are ready to make whatever decision comes your way.

Reminder: Take one decision at a time. Don’t feel like you have to figure out everything at once. Decisions about sleep-training, discipline styles and day-care can wait! Gather the information, weigh out your options with your partner and make a choice that feels right to both of you. Most of the time, you can change your mind and adjust as you go.

Physical Strains and Discomfort: Everyone knows about the physical effects of pregnancy: morning sickness, heart burn, sleep disturbances. Even dads-to-be often report vicarious symptoms. When you become a new parent and recover from the birth, most of the physical ailments disappear completely. Well… the nipples of breastfeeding moms take a little bit of a beating. And of course sleeping conditions do not improve for awhile. A long while. Fortunately your body is not completely caught off guard by these conditions. You’ve endured a lot. You can cope with these challenges as well, we promise you.

Reminder: Self-care is essential for expectant and new parents. You are going through a lot, but if you take the time to rest when you can and reach out for help when needed, your body will not disappoint you and will rise to the occasion. Just wait, watch and be amazed…

Emotional Highs and Lows: Pregnancy brings with it a tsunami of hormones and emotions. Most women find that they cry more than ever and experience a wild swing in how they’re feeling from moment to moment. Expectant dads are not immune to the roller coaster either. Parenthood brings more feelings with it. Add sleep-deprivation and the vulnerability that comes a long with a new baby into the mix, and the emotions run rampant. You might find yourself feeling both ecstatic and exasperated, all at once.

Reminder: If you’ve been a person who has always tucked your feelings in tight, the roller coaster of emotions might feel overwhelming. See this as an opportunity to let down your walls and release your inner drama queen. Emotions are healthy and normal and you are about to experience a lot of them. Releasing and expressing your feelings will help you to be a better parent. Of course, as we’ve said many times before, if your emotions seem insurmountable it might be time to reach out to your doctor or a trained counselor and get some help. Please don’t hesitate if this is the case.

Breathe and Let Go: If you pop in on a childbirth class, you’ll hear a lot about deep-breathing, staying focused, thinking positively and relaxing. If you can remember to use these skills and techniques, they’ll help you through your labor and delivery. What the childbirth instructor often forgets to mention is that these same skills will be handy for the next 18 years! Parenting can be a wild ride – remembering to inhale, smile and relax will help you to weather the many challenges that come your way.

Reminder: Even if you learn and practice these relaxation skills, you might forget to use them when you need them the most. This is when your parenting partnership will come in handy. When you see your partner feeling overwhelmed, give them a hug, remind them to breathe, share a few encouraging words and offer to take over for a while. You two have practiced some serious skills – you can do this.

Pregnancy and parenthood are two parts of one amazing journey. If you and your partner have tackled a pregnancy together, you will already have many of the skills you need to raise a child. Pull from the strength and knowledge you have already gained and get ready to rock as a parent. We know you will be amazing.

Here’s to Strength and Similarities,

Kirsten

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