postpartum | baby proofed parents

Hey there birth partner, I see you – 3 Tips for Navigating the Postpartum Period

April 26, 2018 By: babyproofedparentscomment

My husband had surgery a few months ago. It was a semi-serious surgery that kept him in the hospital one night and then he was released to my care. Keep in mind that I am no nurse. In fact, blood and bodily fluids tend to make me a little squeamish. However, the doctor assured me that his aftercare would be easy peasy. My husband would only need plenty of rest and hydration.

In preparation, I scheduled a few days off of work and began listing all of the things I could catch up on. Sorting through old paperwork, filing insurance claims for my counseling practice, cleaning out my closet – because OMG, it needs a good clean out. By the time they took him back to the OR for his procedure, I had a page-long list of To-Do’s ready for doing. I was kind of looking forward to having a few free days at home while he recovered.

Um… whatever.

After I brought my hubby/patient home from the hospital, I didn’t stop moving. He needed his meds. Then he needed a drink of water. How about a smoothie now? He was cold – could he have a blanket? Oh, the kids are home from school now. Homework and dinner and bedtime. But no bed time for me because my surgery patient needed bathing. And his pain was truly intolerable. And… there were plenty of body fluids. Eeeek! Up and down we went all night.

Needless to say, I didn’t get anything done on my To-Do list. In fact, as the week progressed, I became more exhausted as my husband became more rested.

It gave me flash backs to when we came home from the hospital with our second newborn. I had just given birth. I needed to focus on recovering and breastfeeding, right? So, I fully expected my husband to be my right-hand man.

He really delivered.

He brought food and water and reassurance whenever I needed it. He handled our preschooler like a champ and ran to the grocery store for all of our worldly needs. He never stopped moving while I did a lot of sitting.

I guess I always assumed that he had the super easy job as birth partner. I never stopped to think that his role in supporting and caring for me might have been just as exhausting as my recovery from the birth.

My little stint as nurse and caretaker made this very clear for me. It also helped me to identify some tips that might help set the birth partner up for success during the postpartum period.

1) Get things ready ahead of time: The last month or two of the pregnancy, begin preparing things to make the caretaker’s job easier. Set up some comfy areas in your home that will work well for breastfeeding and resting. You’ll want a good chair, a little side table to keep magazines and books, the remote control, something to play music on, a small light and an ottoman to kick up your feet on. Stock the fridge and pantry with your favorite foods and snacks that can be easily prepared. Stock plenty of healthy beverages and fun cups/straws to drink them out of. Ask your midwife or doctor for a list of comfort items (heating pads, breastfeeding-friendly pain meds, hemorrhoid pads) and show your partner where they are stored. Last but not least, think about investing in a good old-fashioned bell. Yelling and texting work fine, but the little ding of a bell might work better.

2) Accept help: This is a big one for both Mom and birth partner. When my husband was preparing to go into surgery, all of our friends and family were asking how they could help. More specifically, they were offering to provide food or watch our boys. “No, thanks,” I told most of them. “We’ll be fine. I have food in the fridge and the boys can entertain themselves.” Well, several days later, I was kicking myself. It would have been reeeeealy nice to have meals delivered to our doorstep or to have my boys carpooled around for the week. Fortunately, there were several sweet people who wouldn’t take no for an answer and brought food and help any way. Lesson learned: Accept the help of others. You can always decline later on, but sending out an SOS is trickier.

3) Care for the caretaker: The caretaker is going to be on their feet a lot. They probably won’t be getting much more sleep than mom. For this reason, I encourage birth partners to clear any big commitments off of their calendar so that they can reserve their energy for care-taking and resting. Birth partners should stock up on their own favorite snacks, drinks, movies and books. When mom and baby are resting, the caretaker should also rest and relax. Don’t worry about keeping the house immaculate or staying on top of everything. You guys will have plenty of time to catch up. In the meantime, focus on loving on this new little baby and taking care of both of you.

Here’s to Strength & Birth Partners,

Kirsten

An Army of Moms & The Hashtag #meditateonthis

January 30, 2016 By: babyproofedparentscomment

This week an influential health panel, the US Preventive Services Task Force, issued new recommendations regarding maternal mental health, stating that all women should be screened for depression during pregnancy and after childbirth.

Mothers and mental health care providers everywhere rejoiced. Being a mom and a therapist myself, I was doubly overjoyed. Ten years ago, I was a new parent who was shocked at how little questioning and support I received regarding my postpartum mental health from both my obstetrician and pediatrician. They gladly gave me info on my healing episiotomy and my clumsy breastfeeding technique, but they seemed to quickly change the subject when I brought up the anxiety or postpartum distress I was experiencing.

Things have improved in the last ten years. More and more new mothers with perinatal mood disorders are referred to me for professional counseling via their doctor or their insurance provider. More childbirth educators and birth professionals are coaching their clients on how to care for their emotional and relationship health prior to bringing a baby into the world. Thanks to organizations like Postpartum Progress and Postpartum Support International, awareness is building and PPD is losing its stigma and gaining support.

But we still have a long way to go. Studies suggest that one in seven, and possibly as many as one in five women develop symptoms of depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, psychosis or a mixture of all four during pregnancy or after childbirth. Many mothers, as many as 70%, are left undiagnosed and untreated. Some women lose their life as a result.

Knowing these facts, it makes sense that an army of indignant parents responded to Marianne Williamson, a New York Times bestselling spiritual author and speaker, when she tweeted the following earlier this week:

U.S. Preventive Services Task Force says pregnant women should be “screened for depression.” How many on Task Force on big pharma payroll??

And then, in later comments, followed up with this:

Hormonally created, normal mood swings during and after pregnancy are not a disease. Meditation helps. Prayer helps. Love helps.

You might wonder why a few tweets from Williamson caught so much attention. The truth is that her comments are representative of a more widely-held opinion that postpartum mood disorders are simply a normal part of parenthood. Many believe that long-lasting depression or anxiety is only experienced by mothers who are not taking care of themselves or are weak.

The backlash was immediate and fierce. “Warrior moms” lead by the passionate Postpartum Progress founder, Katherine Stone, filled the Twitter-sphere with hundreds of comments accompanied by the hashtag #meditateonthis. Their statements argued that postpartum depression is an extremely serious, sometimes fatal condition that frequently calls for more than meditation, prayer and love.

Aarti Sequeira ‏(@aartipaarti): Wow @marwilliamson. Have you suffered from PPD? It is so much more than a “rough day”.

Alena (@Alena29): The bonus benefit to screenings is educating doctors and breaking down doors to get information in more hands. #meditateonthis

TiffanyDolci (@TiffanyDolci): @marwilliamson #meditateonthis I would not be here today to fight the #stigma you’re creating without my #medication #ppd

Amanda Magee (@AmandaMagee): If you hurt, there’s pain If you ache, there are wounds Need help? You deserve help You aren’t broken, you are fixable. #meditateonthis

Katherine Stone (‏@postpartumprog): Every #PPD mom doesn’t need medication. But she does need to be recognized. And helped. #meditateonthis

These women (and a few men) brilliantly and fiercely argued that PPD is about more than feeling a little sad. While “baby blues” are a common hormonal adjustment that typically last no more than two weeks, perinatal mental illness is vastly more critical and can have devastating consequences if left untreated.

I can vouch for this. I’ve worked with hundreds of women who have sat in tears in my office discussing the emotional difficulties they are experiencing during a pregnancy or following the birth of a child. Yes, meditation and mindfulness can help. Yes, prayer, yoga and of course, love can ease someone down the path to recovery. But there are times when a more serious intervention is called for. Cognitive-behavioral therapy, medication and sometimes hospitalization might be necessary and even life saving.

If I could chat with Williamson, I would share the story of a mother in my community who suffered from postpartum psychosis. Her house was full of loving family members who were offering her support and prayer. Tragically, this women’s obsessive thoughts and delusional thinking led her to hang herself in her bathroom, whilst her family was in the living room, giving her a breather from caring for her newborn. It’s impossible to ask “what if?” questions after a shattering loss such as this, but the ultimate hope is that more screening of women will lead to more immediate treatment and less pain and heartache for families every where.

Postpartum depression and other perinatal mood disorders are serious business. We CANNOT afford to go backward in our efforts to destigmatize this condition, raise awareness and make diagnosis and treatment more available to women every where. As Avital N. Nathman from The Mama Festo tweeted:

A call for more screening DOES NOT = more meds. It means more providers being trained properly to look for #PPD & help #meditateonthis

Who can possibly argue against that?

You Are Entering The Baby Time Zone

January 26, 2016 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Ever notice how young children measure time with holidays and seasons? Ask a child about the calendar and they’ll tell you the special occasion they’re looking forward to next and what kind of fun and sweets will accompany it. They determine seasons by what is thrown on them as they walk out the door — a coat and knitted hat or sunscreen and bug spray. For little ones, summer is sort of that magical combination of both season and holiday — a long expanse of nothingness, filled with weekly swimming excursions and occasional periods of blessed boredom.

Then you become an adult and time conveniently organizes itself into neat and tidy rows on the wall calendar. Boredom is replaced with ‘To Do’ lists and stress. Your life morphs into five-day stretches, cushioned by weekends on either side, serving as much needed restorative bookends. A day timer or calendar app becomes your compass. Life feels scheduled, predictable and somewhat controllable.

Until you have a baby.

Bring a baby into the world, and you enter an entirely different time zone. The calendar and all it represents cease to have meaning.

You get a preview of this new time zone when you go into labor and every minute counts. Minutes between contractions. Minutes of pain. Minutes of pushing and pushing and pushing. The exact minute that your baby exits your womb, whether through C-section or through your cervix, is recorded in ink on paper.

Never has a moment in time meant so much. It marks the beginning of a new life for both you and your baby.

For the first few weeks with your newborn, standard time goes out the window. Days and nights are flipped. Hours fly by as you gaze at your little miracle. Minutes of sleep are welcome and crying spells seem to last for ages.

And then slowly, you and your little person settle down into 45 or 90 minute increments of nursing, sleeping and playing. Despite these repetitive activities, your schedule remains unpredictable and irregular. There are days when time creeps by, and you wonder how you can already be on your third meal by 10am. Many mothers find themselves staring at the clock, counting the minutes until their husband gets home from the office. After working in a bustling career, a day with an infant can feel never ending.

Don’t get too comfy. There will also be days when the hours stream by and you barely make it to the bathroom. When your partner walks in the door, you greet them in unchanged pajamas with a grimace that says, “Don’t even ask…” The dishes are unwashed. Dinner is definitely not made. Brownie points if you’ve brushed your hair or fed yourself. These days of nothing accomplished can feel overwhelming for women who took pride in being especially productive and efficient before becoming a mother. If you can remind yourself that ALL new parents have days like this, that you have the rest of your life to wash dishes, you’ll be a lot better off.

Here’s the deal: When we fly to another continent, we prepare ourselves for the jet lag. We give ourselves time to adjust to the new time zone and often add in hours for extra sleep. I always encourage expectant parents to consider making the same mental preparations before they have a baby. You are not only entering a new time zone, you are entering a new way of being. Be patient with yourself and the clock. If you can find a way to enjoy the zany time warp, do it. Howl at the moon since you are the only one up at 3am. Binge watch Netflix at 10 am, because you can.

Slowly, gradually your days will be more predictable. It will become easier to block out time for self-care and socializing. The calendar will take on a new relevance and you can resume tracking events on your day timer. In the meantime, enjoy this schedule-free time. Before you know it, your life outside of home will be jam-packed full again.

Here’s to Sanity and Day Timers,

Kirsten

Photo Credit: massonforstock / 123RF Stock Photo

How Do You Fret? The 8 Types of New Parent Worries :: Monday Musing

August 31, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Anxiety is a completely normal part of being a new parent. In fact, the worrying often begins before your child ever enters this world. During my first pregnancy, I remember being in a constant state of wonder. Wondering if my baby was healthy. Wondering if I would carry him full-term. Wondering if the birth would go as planned with no complications. So many things to wonder and fret about. It is enough to make the most Zen person in the world feel a little nutty.

After the baby arrives, many parents find themselves feeling anxious about a whole new class of concerns. I like to categorize these fears into 8 categories. I’ve listed the worries below with tips for combatting them (and experts to turn to when you need more help):

1. Control: Before we become parents, most of us feel an illusion of control. You control when you eat, when you sleep and how you take care of yourselves. When you conceive a child, you might suddenly feel like you are driving blind. You can’t see what is going on in your belly and you are expected to trust – that everything is OK. When the baby enters the world, no matter how much you want breastfeeding, sleeping and pooping to go exactly as planned, it often doesn’t. For anyone who considers themself to be a “control freak” (ahem… ME), life with a newborn can feel like unpredictable mayhem.

Suggestion: This is a great opportunity to surrender some of the control you have always grasped onto. Children force us to let go, follow our instincts and trust that we are going to figure things out as we go along. Things might not always go as planned, but they almost always turn out to be just fine. Reach out for help and guidance when needed. You don’t have to run this show completely on your own.

2. Safety: I visited a friend this summer who had a sweet, nine month old baby. She showed me this amazing mesh mattress in the baby’s crib that is supposed to reduce the risk of SIDS and suffocation. Listening to her talk about crib safety, I was reminded of my own safety-related fears. Fears of electrocution, strangulation, suffocation and on and on. If you read the multiple pages of warnings on all of your baby products, it makes you want to enclose your baby in a protective bubble.

Suggestion: Remind yourself that decades of statistics and research have gone into the development of most baby products. And if they prove to not be completely safe, they are quickly recalled. Read the guidelines, baby proof your home and then remind yourself that you kiddo is actually pretty sturdy. Staring at the baby monitor non-stop will often create more anxiety, so give your eyes and mind a rest when needed.

3. Germs & Illness: Most of us new parents get a big scare about germs immediately after our baby is born. We are cautioned to not let our little infant be held by anyone who is sick. We are also cautioned to not take them out and about until they are completely sturdy and immunized. Although this is wise advice, it is enough to make most moms want to hide in a cave with their infant and drench any visitors in hand sanitizer.

Suggestions: Follow your health care provider’s guidelines. But when you are given the go ahead to get out and about, do so! The fresh air and companionship will be good for both you and baby. Plus, many healthcare experts agree that exposing your older baby to germs and even illness is exactly what helps them to build a strong immune system.

4. Schedules: I made the mistake of reading The Baby Whisperer Book before the birth of my 2^nd baby. After studying the prescribed sleep plan, I was determined to get my new baby on a very structured sleeping schedule from a very young age. Ummm, no. The more I tried to force my little guy on some sort of schedule, the more he fought it and the more anxious both of us became. That wasn’t the only schedule I felt anxious about; I was also closely watching the clock when it came to feeding and pooping.

Suggestions: Some babies fall very easily into a predictable structured schedule. Some babies, whether it be due to illness, colic, or temperament, will be all over the place at first. Don’t stress out too much about keeping things precisely on time. Most babies will eventually ease themselves into a somewhat steady schedule. Until then, go with the flow and reach out for help if you are feeling like you or your baby aren’t getting enough sleep or nourishment. (Reach out to our favorite sleep consultant, Lori at Strong Little Sleepers if needed.)

5. Comparisons: New parents are notorious for playing the comparison game. We watch when our friends’ babies roll over, sit up and walk. And then we compare them to our own babies. Both of my boys were late when it came to crawling and walking. But you know what? Now I can’t hold them back from running all over the neighborhood.

Suggestion: Resist the urge to compare. Just don’t. Babies all evolve and develop at their own pace. Remind yourself that everything and everyone tends to even out in the end. If you have concerns about your child’s development, express them to your pediatrician.

6. The “Right Way”: With my first baby in particular, I really wanted to do things the right way. Don’t ask me what that meant. I guess I wanted to follow some sort of best practices. The problem is that no one can agree on what those best practices are. Each baby book is slightly different. Each baby, home and set of circumstances is very different.

Suggestions: Find books, educators and providers that feel like a fit for you. Follow their suggestions, but remember that you will have to adjust as you go. No one will know your baby better than you do. Ultimately, you will become the expert on what is the right thing for your little one.

7. “Good Baby”: I hear new parents say this all the time: “She/he is a really good baby.” I cringe a little when I hear this because I wonder what it means to have a baby that is not good or a baby that is bad. Parents who have babies with colic or reflux may feel like they have failed in producing an easy infant. But that doesn’t mean that their baby is bad or a failure.

Suggestions: Babies are born with little individual temperaments. They also encounter challenges such as food intolerances and growth spurts. Resist the urge to slap any kind of label on your little one. Some of the most challenging newborns turn out to be the most angelic toddlers.

8. Feeding: This is a very common source of anxiety for new parents. When you start out with breastfeeding, it is tricky to know if your little one is getting enough nourishment. A lot of trust and practice is involved. Later when your baby starts solids, you might find yourself asking the same questions again: Is my little one getting enough food? Is she/he growing and thriving? How much is the right amount?

Suggestions: If you’re taking your little one to regular wellness checks, your doctor will be able to tell you if your baby is where they need to be. Usually they are. But if feeding is a constant source of anxiety for you, do not hesitate to reach out for more assistance or just plain reassurance. Brian the Birth Guy is one of our favorite lactation consultants. And Cheryl from Taste & See Healthy Baby Food is an excellent resource when is comes to solids.

Although some anxiety is a normal part of new parenthood, and will typically decrease with time, there are a small portion of new parents who find their worries growing until they are feel out of control. If your anxiety is interfering with your sleep or daily functioning, don’t feel like you have to cope on your own. Reach out for help and get the support you need. Both you and your baby will benefit.

Here’s to Sanity and Reaching Out,

Kirsten

4 Tips for Falling In Love with Your In-Laws :: Tuesday Tip

July 21, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

I hear it all the time from my baby-raising clients. Whether they are a brand new mom or a veteran parent, they often report challenges with their in-laws, specifically their mother-in-law. The complaints range from mom-in-laws being too involved to not involved enough. Sometimes the mother-in-law criticizes the mom’s parenting style or ignores it all together. The most frequent complaint I hear: Grandma is spoiling my kids – too many toys, too much sugar, not enough sleep.

My two young boys already claim to have girlfriends (Eeek! 1^st and 4^th grade. Really people?) This has caused me to face the music. One day, in what I hope is the not-so-near future, I too will probably be a mother-in-law. Which leads me to explore the reasons why the mother-in-law/mother relationship is so notoriously challenging:

Reason #1: There are no in-laws in nature. Think about it. Humans are one of a kind when it comes to the layers of family members who love on a little baby. Due to the lack of precedence in the animal kingdom, it makes sense that it is a tricky relationship for humans to sort out.

Reason #2: Generation gap. My kids are 10 and 7 and I am already amazed at how infant care trends have changed since I gave birth a decade ago. What was the norm for a grandma 30 or 40 years ago may be very old news when a grandchild enters the world. Breastfeeding, baby food, sleep methods, parenting and discipline philosophies – everything in this era of modern parenting changes so much more rapidly than it did 100 years ago.

Reason #3: Different families & backgrounds. A mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law come from two completely different upbringings and personal histories, especially in this age in which people don’t just marry the kid that lives down the block from them. We partner up with people from different cities, states and even countries. It makes sense that the way you and your mother-in-law approach the tasks of cooking, homemaking and parenting might be slightly, if not totally, different.

Reason #4: Power struggle. Whether it is subtle or overt, it’s normal for there to be a mild tug-o-war over influence and control when a new grandchild is brought into the world. A mother-in-law was a mother, first and foremost. She gave birth, raised babies and sent them off into the world. She’s been there, done that and has the stretch marks and worry lines to show for it. Now she gets to watch someone else nurture her kin as a daughter-in-law takes the maternal helm of her own family. Letting go of control is key. This transition can be a beautiful process that brings everyone closer. It can also cause tension if this subtle transfer of power is met with resistance or bitterness.

So now that you understand the possible reasons for the “in-law challenges”, you are probably thinking, what the heck do I do about it? How can my in-laws and I get on the same page? Here are our 4 Tips for Falling In Love:

Tip #1: Look for intentions behind the actions. Nine times out of ten, your in-laws are trying as hard as they can to express as much love as possible for their grandchildren. This may come in different forms – 2 scoops of ice cream right before bed, 10 flashy, new toys every time they come for a visit, or 5 sets of unsolicited advice regarding how to care for a baby. Remember that their gestures of love will not veto or replace the consistent routines you are establishing in your home. A little excess love, spoiling and even advice (whether heeded or not) won’t hurt in the long run.

Tip #2: Set clear expectations with your in-laws. Together with your partner, decide on boundary issues that you both feel strongly about. These rules and guidelines will probable revolve around topics like safety, discipline, visiting, feeding, bedtime, and TV/movie/technology guidelines. Communicate these guidelines to the grandparents so that everyone is on the same page. Allow leeway and variation when you feel comfortable.

Tip #3: Express concerns/frustrations when needed. If you have a beef with how your in-law’s are handling something, don’t let your frustrations stew! Keep your cool and voice your concerns, in a tactful and non-confrontational manner. Get your partner’s buy in and involve him/her in the conversation if possible. Explain to your in-laws that you know they have done the parenting thing before, but that you have to sort it out on your own. Add in that you’d love their respect and cooperation as you and your partner learn how to raise little people in your own, customized way. We’re talking about your kid and your little family, right? So in the end, you get to call the shots.

Tip #4: Know when to let go. My mother-in-law was a strong, intelligent and inspirational woman who lost her life to cancer 7 years ago. Before she passed away, she would watch my infant son on a regular basis – eating up every second of her time with him. I’d be lying if I said she and I didn’t experience a few power struggles over baby food, TV viewing and sleep routines. Looking back, I now see that she was coming from a place of absolute and unconditional love. I feel sadness when I know that my 7 yr. old will never get a chance to meet her.

When you’re experiencing challenges with your in-laws, step back and take a long view of the struggles. Most kids benefit from as much love as they can get, even if it doesn’t look and feel exactly the same between the parents and the grandparents. Speak up when you need to… but step back and let go when you can. And if they’re offering babysitting, take them up on it. You and your partner can use a date night – counselor’s orders!

Here’s to Sanity and Two Scoops of Ice Cream,

Kirsten

PS: Recognize the featured photo of Jennifer and Jane? It’s from the 2005 flick, Monster-in-Law. Not critically acclaimed but a good laugh and relatable to many!

7 Universal Truths of Parenting a Newborn :: Monday Musing

July 6, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

When you have a new baby, you realize a few things: Every birth story is unique. Every newborn has his/her own little personality and individual needs. Each couple goes about the task of parenting in their own customized way. In spite of all of these differences, there are seven truths that almost all new parents will encounter. We list them out here and give you suggestions for dealing with them:

1. You’ll be sleep-deprived for a period of time. Newborns have to eat throughout the night. Sleep patterns don’t get established for several months. Your normal sleep patterns will be disturbed. Suggestions: Take naps and sleep when you can. Take turns getting up with the baby. Remind yourself that things will improve.

2. You will have to work as a team more than ever. A new baby is a two-person job. While one person changes a diaper, the other one can make coffee. While one rests, the other can hold the newborn. Suggestions: View your new infant as a team project. You two can take on this challenge together and you will be stronger as a couple as a result. If you are a single parent, surround yourself with supportive helpers who can give you breaks when needed.

3. There will be a learning curve. Both you and your baby have to figure out how things are going to work. Things won’t go perfectly at first… and every time you get something sorted out, everything will change. Suggestions: Be patient with yourself, your partner and your baby. Don’t expect things to run completely smoothly right off the bat.

4. You and your partner will feel closer than ever at times and more distant than ever at times. Seeing your partner care for an infant is a beautiful thing, and you might find yourself feeling more attracted than ever. On the other hand, a newborn requires a lot of attention, which takes time away from connecting with each other. Suggestions: Connect with each other when you can. A hug. A cuddle on the couch. Remind yourself and your partner that this is all temporary!

5. There will be emotional ups and downs. Hormones, sleep-deprivation, frustration and anxiety can make both parents (but especially mom) feel emotional. This is normal and will get better with time. Suggestions: Let the feelings flow and offer each other comfort and understanding. If feelings of depression or anxiety seem insurmountable, talk to your doctor or a counselor.

6. Your parenting will be influenced by the parenting you received. Your parents were your first role model. Sometimes this creates anxiety if your childhood was less than perfect or if your relationship is strained with your parents. Other times, you might feel confidence and optimism – perhaps you have super fond memories of your childhood. Know that your feelings about parenting, negative or positive, were influenced by your childhood, but that you can mold yourself into the parent you want to be. Suggestions: Decide how you want to do things differently and how you want to do things exactly the same.

7. Things will get easier. They will. As the months and years pass by, you will have more time to yourself and more time with each other. And you will appreciate it more than ever. You will also feel more confident as a parent. Give yourself a high five for becoming a parent! You can do this.

Here’s to Sanity and The Universe,

Kirsten

And Baby Makes Three… Not Two :: Monday Musing

June 15, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

“Heeeey Kirsten and Cheryl…. Give me a call when you have a chance! I want to tell you what I’m hearing from all the dads.”

That’s an abridged version of the voice mail we get every few weeks from Brian the Birth Guy. Brian gets to hang out with hundreds of dads and parenting partners every month through his Rocking Dads Childbirth Classes and the doula work he provides to couples. If he hears consistent themes and messages coming from these new parents, he gives us a ring. How cool is that? We have our own anecdotal field-research source, wrapped up in Brian’s contagious enthusiasm.

The last time we spoke to the Birth Guy, he filled us in on two concerns he was hearing from many of his new dads:

Concern #1: “I can’t get baby away from mom long enough to bond with her/him.” Brian explained that many dads feel like they don’t get the opportunity to connect with or learn how to soothe their newborn because their partners spend so much time getting the hang of breastfeeding and connecting with baby. Then, when mom is ready to go get a haircut or go out for a quick coffee or GNO, Dad feels helpless and unprepared to watch or calm their infant.

Concern #2: “I’m worried that co-sleeping with our baby is going to impact our relationship.” Brian said that some couples choose to try co-sleeping, some couples are against it, and some accidentally start doing it and never stop. He said that the problem occurs when one parent is in favor of co-sleeping and one is not. Suddenly there is a literal wedge, in the shape of a sweet little infant, inserted between the pair.

After digesting these new-daddy-woes, I realized that they were both connected to the same challenge: How do you maintain the intimacy and closeness you had pre-baby while simultaneously bonding with and caring for this new little creature? It’s tricky, for sure. Introducing a baby into a relationship changes up everything. As the quirky monster diagram below illustrates, life is fairly simple before starting a family. Bill Withers sang it perfectly, “Just the two of us, building castles in the sky. Just the two of us, you and I.”

When you add an infant to the picture, it mixes up the flow of things. The baby requires a ton of time and attention, especially from mom if she is trying to breastfeed. The non-breastfeeding partner might feel neglected or left out. Figuring out how to get sleep at night can present more difficulties for the partnership. Mom might find herself sleeping upright with the baby, or bringing the newborn to bed so she can get some rest. Instead of a happy family of three, it can feel like a disjointed partnership with an odd man out at times.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. It’s possible for mom to bond with baby, for dad to bond with baby AND for mom and dad to stay just as connected and close as they were before their parenting adventure began. Here’s how:

Brainstorm baby-related tasks and routines that dad/parenting partner can be in charge of during the early weeks and months. Some couples start the routine very early of dad giving baby a daily bottle. In her essay, Yes Trespassing, Cheryl wrote about how her kids’ dad, J, did a lovely job of finding ways to be a supportive co-parent and bond with their newborn. He changed the baby’s diaper and swaddled her before feedings, he soothed the baby when Cheryl needed a break and he cared for Cheryl and ran errands when needed. When Cheryl was ready to get out of the house for a few hours, J was ready and able to step in with their little girl.

Make parenting decisions as partners. Parenting is a tough job and you need your right hand man (or woman) to be on your team for the next 18 years. Discuss every decision — what kind of baby carrier to use, whether or not to co-sleep, when to transition to bottles — with your partner so that the buy-in is mutual. Thinks about how these decisions will not only impact your infant but your relationship as well. And remember, you can always adjust and adapt as you go.

Make the relationship a priority. When you’re making the joint decisions listed in #2, keep your relationship at the forefront of your mind. Your partner was in your life before your baby arrived, and hopefully they will be there for a long time afterward. At some point your little one will be a big one and off to preschool, then high school and then suddenly college. Nurturing your relationship and keeping it strong will help you to be a better, happier parent. When you eventually have more freedom to go out on dates or weekend getaways, you won’t find yourself hanging out with a stranger.

Be patient with each other. Give it time. For the first few months and years, your relationship will look and feel different. It’s unavoidable. So hang in there and give each other grace as you figure things out. Remind each other that you are in this together and that neither of you are experts. Give each other encouragement and breaks when needed. Turn to your partner, and in your best Bill Withers croon, reassure them: “We can make it if we try.”

Because you really can make it. We promise.

Here’s to Sanity & Building Castles in the Sky,

Kirsten

Postpartum Survival Guide :: Wednesday Wisdom

May 27, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

This invaluable list of suggestions for new parents was originally posted on the Austin Born Blog. We loved it so much, we asked if we could share it with our followers. The list was compiled by a group of new mothers who were attending The Circle, a postpartum group offered for when motherhood is not Pinterest perfect.

This new motherhood gig can be tough — we believe that support from our peers is an important part of working through the struggles and ultimately finding joy. At the last Circle meetup, we talked about how a mother is born every time that a first baby is born. In spite of this truth, becoming a mother is not always something that happens simply and effortlessly. In fact, we are finding that giving birth to this new aspect of our identities is a lot more challenging than we thought it would be, back in our pre-baby days. We all spent a lot of time preparing for the birth of our babies–we took classes, hired doulas, read books, bought stuff–but so little time and energy preparing our selves to become mothers. We wanted to offer some advice to our friends who haven’t had their babies yet, so they could be a bit more prepared than we were. Here is our collective wisdom, from some new mamas to soon-to-be mamas:

Plan.

Don’t wait to figure it out on the fly. Don’t obsess about the birth to the exclusion of what comes after. The birth is one day (maybe two), but your baby will be yours for the rest of your life.

Start now reflecting on your needs and planning ahead for the weeks and months after baby. Think, “Who am I? What things do I need to have space and time to do to feel like myself?” This could be anything from time to read the New York Times on Sunday morning to a chance to go to Target by yourself to whatever floats your boat. What do you need to feel like you? Communicate this to your partner and make it a priority after baby.

Find help and outsource what you can before baby arrives.

Find a new mom group and a lactation consultant before you desperately need them and are too tired and frazzled to search.

Instead of a lot of cute onesies, register for things like a prepared meal service, diaper service, cleaning service, postpartum doula care, and new mom group fees (such as an AustinMama Pass or Partners in Parenting). This kind of stuff is going to help you a lot more than 20 receiving blankets.

Slow down.

You are not going to bounce back to your old life anytime soon after giving birth. You will have more on your plate than you can imagine right now, and the demands of your baby will at times seem overwhelming. Do not expect to do everything or even most things you used to do.

Celebrate the small achievements.

Driving alone with baby for the first time. Waking up before your baby does without panicking that she/he has stopped breathing. Brushing your teeth and taking a shower before noon. Right now you can’t imagine how enormous these accomplishments will seem to you, but when they come, celebrate them. Tell yourself what an amazing job you are doing, and be proud.

Tell your friends to keep calling you.

Sometimes a big gulf can open up between friends-who-are-now-moms and friends-who-are-child-free. This doesn’t have to be so, and no one really wants it to happen. So tell your friends to keep inviting you to things, but to not take it personally or give up asking if you decline the invitation 9 times out of 10. It is nice to know that people still want you around.

You can’t win.

No matter what choice you make, there will be guilt and blame. If you choose to stay home with your child and not return to paid work right away, you will miss being with people and feeling the sense of accomplishment you used to feel at your job well done. If you choose to return to your outside job, you will feel guilty about leaving your child with others and even about enjoying your time away. This is just one hot-button example, but there are a million parenting decisions to make about feeding/sleeping/diapering/training/clothing/whatever your child, and there will always be a voice in your head and several voices around you telling you that you have chosen wrongly. You have to decide what is right for you, and tell everyone (including your own inner guilt-voice) to shut up.

Every baby is different, and everyone has their own story.

No one has all the answers, because your relationship with your baby is unique. Reading too many baby-care books and mommy blogs can make you crazy. Be kind to yourself. Also be kind to other moms, because you have no idea what they are dealing with. And if you end up caring for your newborn in a way you did not envision yourself doing it, don’t feel guilty. Cut yourself a break, and remember that you are doing the best you can with what you’ve got.

It does get better.

Every new mom struggles with something — don’t believe that anyone’s social media account tells the whole story. What we all put on Facebook is the highlight reel of our lives. It is not reality.

The days of new parenthood are loooooooooong, but with time you will find your way out of the haze and feel more and more like yourself again. Finding community and reminding yourself that you are not alone in this helps tremendously. At least it has for us!

If you live in Austin and would like to get more of this ongoing support and wisdom, consider putting an AustinMama Pass from Austin Born on your registry. Try all the groups, and find the one that meets your needs. Thanks again to the new mamas and doulas at Austin Born for sharing their wisdom and support! – C & K ♥

So, You’re Not A Baby Person :: Monday Musing

May 4, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

My best friend in college was really into babies. Like, really. She loved to coo at them and cuddle with them. So much so, that for her 20th birthday, when she was not even close to starting a family, I gave her the gorgeously illustrated, Anne Geddes Baby Name Keepsake Book. Strange gift for a 20 yr old… but for her, it made sense. I just knew that she was destined to become an incredible mother who loved her littles with every inch of her being.

I, on the other hand, was not much of a baby person. I liked kids and I definitely liked babysitting them for extra income. But I didn’t gravitate toward infants like my friend, Liz. If we were hanging out at a coffee shop, and there was a lady sitting next to us with a newborn and a dog, Liz would be admiring the baby and I would be petting the terrier. That was just how we rolled.

When I hit my late 20’s, my maternal instincts kicked into high gear with a jolt and I suddenly wanted to have a baby more than anything in the world. Ask my husband – I was on an maniacal mission to become a mother. It took several years to get pregnant, but when when I finally got the positive test, it was one of the happiest days of my life. I was officially a “baby person”, right?

Well, sort of.

My newborn arrived and I loved, loved, LOVED him. I thought he was the most beautiful thing in the world. But there were days when I felt bored out of my mind whilst cooing at him, or singing to him, or playing peek-a-boo for the 56th time. Life seemed pretty mundane and repetitive at times. I found myself thinking, Oh, won’t it be nice when he can feed himself OR when he is potty trained and I don’t have to change diapers OR when we can go out and about on long adventures.

It will be nice when he is older, I thought.

My husband, not being much of a baby person himself, whole-heartedly agreed. We were ready for our babies to be non-babies so we could have long conversations with them and take them out to see the world.

Fast forward ten years, and we have officially arrived at the non-baby stage. We have two big strapping boys who debate every subject and run ahead of us on hiking trails. They’re independent, they’re fun and they are definitely not infants any more. The irony of it all? There are moments when I yearn for the newborn stage again. Perhaps I have a case of “the grass is greener”. Perhaps I’m crazy. Or perhaps I now appreciate the incredible amount of love, growth and effort that contributed to my sweet babies morphing into young men and I want to revisit and cherish that intense yet fleeting period.

These days, if I’m talking to an expectant dad or mom who has never considered him or herself to be a baby fanatic and is feeling a little anxious about becoming a parent, I give them these simple tips:

My Three Suggestions for Non-Baby Folks:

1. If you’re expecting a little one, and you’ve never been much of a baby person before, don’t fret. There is nothing in the world like having your own kiddo. You are going to grow to love that little person passionately, and you will also figure out how to take care of them with time. No experience needed.

2. After baby arrives, if singing nursery rhymes or stacking blocks for two hours straight causes your head to hurt, make sure to schedule regular non-baby time for yourself: coffee out with a friend, date night with your partner, GNO with your besties, or even returning to work part- or full-time. After short breathers from your babe, you’ll find yourself rushing home, excited to jump back into the nightly bath and bedtime routine. The first three years of our babies’ lives are irreplaceable, developmentally and experientially, so take care of yourself so you can be fully present for them.

3. Savor the baby years. I know this seems counter-intuitive for us non-baby people. But our kids really are babies for a very short period. So stare at their little hands. Listen to their sweet, squeaky voices. Laugh when they do the same silly dance 15 times in a row. Relax your shoulders, breathe in their baby smell and know that it is all temporary.

Now when I see a woman at a coffee shop with a stroller and a dog, I gravitate toward the infant first. Perhaps I am fully converted to a “baby person”? I guess that can’t hurt since I do write for a baby blog. 😉

Here’s to Strength and Babies,

Kirsten

Laugh and Laugh Often :: Tuesday Tip

April 28, 2015 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

When my newborn son and I were still figuring out breastfeeding, I realized that I was going to be spending a lot of time awake… in the middle of the night… by myself… in the dark. At first, I tried to fight through my sleepiness while I made sure that my new baby’s latch was correct and he was continuing to feed. But later, I found myself creeping downstairs and quietly flipping on the TV. Why not be entertained while I nursed? I reasoned.

It was during this time that I discovered the power of laughter. Yes, I was sleep deprived. Yes, I felt very anxious about whether my newborn baby was gaining weight. But I quickly found that if I pre-recorded a movie or TV show to watch, and made it a comedy or perhaps a romantic flick with some humor, I woke up feeling lighter and more positive the next day. If Jimmy Fallon had been at the helm of the Tonight Show in 2005, he would have been on my DVR every night.

Most of us are aware that prolonged stress has a direct impact on our health and emotional well-being. There is now considerable research that suggests that laughter lowers Cortisol levels and stimulates the immune system, off-setting the negative effects of stress. (Patty Wooton, Humour: An Antidote for Stress) In fact, Norman Cousins is famous for the “laughter-therapy” he used to cure himself of a debilitating disease in the late 1970’s. By prescribing himself a regimen of Marx Brother’s movies and Candid Camera episodes, he was able to eliminate all symptoms of his condition. That’s powerful stuff!

Research or no research, I can personally vouch for laughter being a great thing when you have a newborn, toddler, or kiddo of any age. It is very easy to take life very seriously when you are figuring out how to be a parent. Sometimes we have to step back and laugh at the stream of pee that just landed in our face or the projectile spit-up that just adorned our clean sweater. Sometimes we just have to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all, and know these messy, crazy-making moments are fleeting.

Laugh with your partner. Laugh with your friends. Laugh with your kids. Or laugh by yourself in the middle of the night. You’ll be glad that you did, I promise.

Tips For Sanity:

Laughter really can be the best medicine.
Find what makes YOU laugh, no matter how insane.
Find humor in the chaos… whenever you can. Spit up all over your face? Bahahaha!

“The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.” – E. E. Cummings

Here’s to Sanity & Jimmy Fallon,

Kirsten

A Workout for Busy Moms :: Wednesday Wisdom

April 1, 2015 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

Meet Allison Lambert. She is an ACE certified personal trainer, former psychology teacher and college athlete. Her desire to help women get healthy lead her to create The Fit Tutor, an online fitness service for women. Some personal trainers wear camo pants, yell a lot, or show off their six-packs to motivate their clients. Not Allison. She believes in eating chocolate, buying lots of shoes, and encouraging clients by walking along side of them on their fitness journey. She uses her knowledge and enthusiasm to help women feel confident and overcome any fear of working out. We were so interested to chat with Allison because her inexpensive, at-home fitness programs are perfect for the busy mom who wants to start making self-care more of a priority. Getting to the gym can be challenging when you have a young child – Allison brings the gym to you.

BPP: Your website provides a really unique service: affordable online fitness regimens coupled with personal training. How did you decide to launch The Fit Tutor? What was your inspiration?

AL: My passion is to help women be strong, confident, and healthy. My heart breaks every time I see someone start and stop an exercise regime because it was too hard or time consuming. I see this a lot with popular exercise videos or even pins on Pinterest. I talk with women all the time who want to lose weight and get stronger, but they feel like they don’t have time, don’t know what to do, or can’t afford a trainer.

My desire is to make healthy living attainable so women can look and feel their best! The Fit Tutor provides good, safe instruction, and the ability to workout when it fits in your schedule.

BPP: What are the advantages to signing up with the Fit Tutor vs. signing up with a bootcamp, local personal trainer or a gym?

AL: I personally disliked paying for a gym membership only to have to go through the hassle of getting there on a busy day and then waiting for equipment. I actually just quit my gym this year, and have been working out way more consistently at home. The Fit Tutor helps minimize excuses to skip a workout. (See her article “15 Reason to Work Out at Home”)

As a personal trainer, I think there’s nothing better than working one-on-one with someone. In reality, that’s just not doable for everyone. With The Fit Tutor you get demonstrations, modifications, and workouts designed by a trainer that are really effective! And you definitely don’t have to pay the price of a trainer. We also offer nutrition coaching, accountability, and your own personal cheering section, too.

Boot camps are awesome and fun, but they can be hard to stick with. They start and stop, so every few months you have to find that self-control, determination and a large amount of money upfront to decide to keep going. You usually don’t get the individualized instruction you need for a safe and effective workout, either. With The Fit Tutor, you still get community, effective workouts, and accountability, but it’s easier on your bank account and better for the longevity of your workout regime.

BPP: I’m sure that a lot of people are curious about how The Fit Tutor provides personal training services online. How do you stay connected to your clients?

AL: This is by far my favorite part of running The Fit Tutor. I reach out to all members by email when they sign up, and I continue our contact based on the client’s needs and wants via email or other social media. Some people prefer to be left alone, but most want more contact for encouragement, accountability, questions or nutrition coaching. My favorite is our Facebook accountability group. It’s a fun group of women of all levels and walks of life who encourage and check in with each other!

BPP: What are the hesitations or concerns that you hear most frequently from potential clients about signing up for an exercise program? How do you answer these concerns?

AL: Most people I talk with are concerned about failure – whether it’s not having enough time, not being able to do something, or doing but not succeeding. We offer workouts in as little as four minutes, so I encourage people that they DO have the time. I’ve worked with personal training clients in every condition, and I’ve tried to make the beginner exercises doable for people who have never worked, just had a baby, or might be arthritic, obese, etc..

My programs are effective, and doing them combined with our nutrition coaching, I think it would be hard to fail. They might not lose weight as fast as they’d like to, but I’m committed to helping each woman succeed.

You being healthy and energetic is such a gift to your family. It’s worth pushing through whatever fears you have to make this a priority.

BPP: Are your workouts appropriate for someone who has never exercised before? If so, how do you introduce them to exercise?

AL: Yes! I’ve designed each video to be helpful for someone who has never done strength training before. Each video shows an example along with demonstration, so there’s no question on how to perform each exercise. The best way to start for someone new to exercising is our Beginner Get Fit program. It starts you off slow and has a good combination of learning new exercises plus repeating others so you can see your progress.

BPP: What kind of equipment do your clients need to do the workouts in their own home?

AL: All you need is the Internet and a pair of dumbbells. A yoga mat is helpful, but not necessary. Every exercise is performed with either body weight or dumbbells.

Strength training is one of the most effective and efficient ways to lose weight, so our workouts focus on strength training (without getting bulky) and at-home cardio routines to help shed fat.

BPP: Many of your members are mothers. Can your workouts be done with babies or older children in the home? Do you incorporate stress-reducing exercises/suggestions (because you know we mothers can benefit!)

AL: Yes! Many moms have said they do workouts during nap time, or out in the yard during playtime, or even with their kids crawling all over them. I’ve sent moms workouts they can do using their kids as the weight, and have received awesome videos of kids doing exercises right alongside the parents. Teaching children that exercise and health matter is so important, and it’s healthy for them to see Mom making her health a priority. Strength training is a great stress reducer, and we also have yoga cool-downs to help for those who are extra stressed.

BPP: Does the Fit Tutor have tailored work-outs for expectant moms? How about couples?

AL: Expecting moms can usually do all of the beginner exercises, with the exception of core work. For now, I’m working one-on-one (via email) with expecting moms, putting together a few workouts and videos to help them with what they can and cannot do. I have a section for pregnancy workouts by trimester in the making, and I’m so excited to have this section finished!

Although there’s nothing specific to couples, every workout can be done with a friend. I love getting messages from members who say they did a Fit Tutor workout with their husband or boyfriend.

BPP: You have some really interesting nutrition, food and wellness-related articles on your blog. Are these topics that you incorporate into your personal training?

AL: Yes, because I believe the best results come from both nutrition and exercise. I currently offer nutrition coaching based on small, healthy changes that add up over the long run. I think that’s important for parents especially, because totally overhauling your diet can be overwhelming. I also believe it’s important to have a healthy body image and a healthy relationship with food, and I help clients deal with these issues as they arise.

BPP: Does the Fit Tutor have programs tailored for weight loss? Do they get advice from a dietician?

AL: We have several Get Fit Programs, with more in the making. Our current Get Fit Programs are 8 weeks long and are designed to gain strength and jump start your weight loss. These programs, coupled with the nutrition coaching, can be powerful in achieving your goals! The Fit Tutor focuses on making fitness and healthy eating a lifestyle, so we incorporate different types of workouts for any schedule, as well as accountability for those who need that type of help.

As of next month, I will be a certified nutrition coach and will start incorporating meal plans for an extra charge, but the nutrition coaching is included in the membership price.

BPP: If you have to give one piece of sanity-saving advice to a new mom, what would it be?

AL: I tell moms all the time to not stress about getting their bodies back. I believe your body is already incredible because it grew and birthed a human! I help moms focus on doing what they can with eating healthy and exercising during this crazy adjustment time in their lives. In time you can and will look great again, but making that a focus or setting unrealistic expectations can only cause more stress and negative emotions. Do what you can and breathe a sigh of relief.

Thank you Allison for sharing about your unique and accessible fitness service. One of the goals of this blog is to connect our readers and subscribers with resources that will make life easier, healthier and happier. You are definitely one of those amazing resources. – C&K ♥

Check out Allison’s info packed blog at: http://thefittutor.com/blog/

Learn more about her online fitness services and free trial: http://thefittutor.com/

Follow her on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/fittutor

Kicking Parenting Shame to the Curb :: Monday Musing

March 9, 2015 By: babyproofedparents2 Comments

My eyes tend to wander when I’m in the grocery store check-out line. Typically, I’m scanning the magazines and tabloids, catching up on two minutes of trashy news while I wait. The other day, something else caught my attention. I noticed a couple in the check out line next to me, waiting for their groceries to be bagged and loaded up. They had a double stroller with them, the kind that fits two infant car seats.

One infant was nestled all snug in her car seat. The other infant, let’s call him Twin #2, was strapped to mom in a baby carrier. Twin #2, who looked to be about two-months-old, was clearly done with shopping. He was screaming as loudly as his little two-month-old lungs could manage. My eyes drifted to the parents. Their faces revealed a combination of emotions: embarrassment, stress, exhaustion and frustration. I could almost read their thoughts. Ugh, why did we think this was a good idea to bring both babies to the store? It’s just a matter of time before Twin #1 starts crying. And we’re stuck at the grocery store with no place to nurse. What were we thinking?

I wanted to leap across the check-out lane and give them a high-five. “Hey! You braved the wilderness with your infant twins and took them on an outing together. Good for you. Sure, your baby is crying, but none of us mind. You can’t stay cooped up in the house all of the time waiting for the day that they don’t cry any more. Come and hang out in the grocery store any time with those sweeties… it’s baby happy hour in here.”

Instead, I stayed quiet. I was quite sure that the mom and dad, with their furrowed brows, were not in the mood for my cheerleading that morning.

The incident triggered several memories for me, memories of parenting tension and shame.

I remembered feeling tense when my husband and I decided to take our newborn out on a dinner date with us. I couldn’t relax because I was eying the infant carrier the entire time, waiting for our little guy to wake up screaming. I recalled feeling pressure when my milk wouldn’t let down for my hungry 5-month-old baby and I had a whole dinner party waiting on me. I also remembered feeling shame when I was juggling both a tantruming toddler and a crying infant in the cereal aisle at the grocery store. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

Here’s what I’ve learned since then: Babies cry. Toddlers have fits. Parents are imperfect. When we recognize and accept these universal truths, it makes parenting a whole lot easier.

My advice to the parents of those twins? Get out and about and ditch the embarrassment. Allow your babies to be babies, and allow yourself to be human. The rest of us are busy reading about the Kardashian’s in the express lane and not bothered at all by your baby’s crying. Or we’re dealing with our own fussy little one, completely preoccupied. Parenting is all about trial and plenty of error. The trick is to give ourselves and our babies loads of grace as we work through the trials and embrace the errors.

Here’s to Sanity and Tabloids,

Kirsten

5 Things for New Moms to Give Their Partners :: Tuesday Tip

February 10, 2015 By: babyproofedparents1 Comment

Note from the author: These tips are not just applicable to husbands and wives, they are relevant to any parenting partnership!

Many of my new mom counseling clients tell me that they feel like they’ve developed multiple personalities after giving birth. A few weeks into their parenting adventure, they eagerly wait by the door for their husbands to come home from work. And when he finally gets there, they feel completely annoyed — and eagerly wait for him to leave again.

I understand what they’re talking about. I experienced my own mixed feelings regarding my hubby when I became a new mother. There were moments when I felt like I couldn’t have found a sweeter, more intuitive man to co-parent my children with. “I won the parenting jackpot,” I told my friends, “He is so sweet to our baby and does SO much to help me.” Other times I felt like my man was put on this Earth, and specifically in my life, to aggravate me and let me down. He didn’t know what I needed, he didn’t know the right things to say, he just didn’t…

Before reaching the point of wanting to kick your husband out, here are 5 things to try giving him:

Give him the scoop: Fill your husband in on what you are experiencing as a new mother. Your hormones are all over the place. You don’t know what a full-night’s sleep is any more. Your body just went through a gigantic ordeal and your life has changed dramatically. If you worked prior to having a baby, you are now adjusting to being home alone all day with a little crying creature who doesn’t speak the same language as you. This is a huge adjustment and your husband will be better able to support you if he knows what an enormous transition your body and mind are going through. Keep him informed so he understands that this isn’t a walk in the park for you and that you need as much help as possible.

Give him patience: Remember that you are not the only one trying to figure out how to do this parenting thing. Your husband is also new to the role of Dad, and he might need time to learn how to best support you and baby. If he spends a lot of time on the road or at the office, he may need occasional tutorials or updates on how to bounce baby when he’s fussy, or how to feed baby solids without them being spit up all over the floor. Be easy on your man – the two of you will figure out your new jobs together, in time.

Give him a piece of your mind: OK, listen to me closely here. This may seem like common sense, but it actually isn’t for most of us. Your husband cannot read your mind. He doesn’t know that you wanted him to pick up dinner from the Thai restaurant on the corner because you’ve been pacing the kitchen all afternoon with a fussy baby. He doesn’t realize that you haven’t had a shower in three days and that the grease in your hair is not part of a new slicked-back hair style you are going for. He might not understand that you have reached your last straw and that you are seriously about to lose it. As we always tell our young kids, use your words and tell your husband what you need and want. Sometimes it might be as simple as saying, “I need you to give me a big hug and tell me everything is going to be OK.” Or it might be as big as stating, “I am really struggling today and about to lose it. I need you to step in with the baby and give me a Target break so I can blow off some steam in the pretty pillow and vase aisle.”

Give him your time: One of the things that suffers the most when you have a new baby in the house is time together as a couple. With this lack of couple time, intimacy and lovey-dovey feelings can take a dive. When you can, and IF you can, make time for little dates with each other. It might look like sitting on the couch with a dark beer (to increase your breast milk of course!) and watching the latest Netflix download. Or… if you can snag a babysitter, get OUT of the house with your partner, even if it is for an hour or two. Connecting with each other as a couple, and not as two parents passing each other in the middle of the night, can bring you closer together and reignite that spark that you felt pre-baby.

Give him hell: IF you are giving your husband all of these things and he still isn’t stepping up to the plate, share your feelings of frustration with him. Use classic “I statements” to get your point across. “I feel like I am doing everything by myself around here and getting no support.” “I wait eagerly for you to come home and then I feel like you aren’t tuning in to the baby and me.” “I am really struggling. I could use more help.” You get the picture – you can be assertive and direct and still keep your cool. Then go back to #3 and be specific about your needs and wants.

You may be reading this and thinking, None of this describes my husband. He is the best co-parent in the world! If that is the case, great! But if you are feeling the annoyances that many new mothers experience, refrain from beating yourself up and give these suggestions a try. You might find yourself falling in love all over again with that man whom you call your husband.

Here’s to Sanity and Netflix,

Kirsten

Partners in Parenting :: Wednesday Wisdom

February 4, 2015 By: babyproofedparentscomment

Meet Carolyn Opps. She is the Co-Founder and Program/Volunteer Coordinator with Austin-based Partners in Parenting, an organization that coordinates neighborhood-based support groups for new parents. Carolyn is a master-degreed teacher who has lived and traveled all over the world. After settling down and starting a family with her husband in Austin, she and her mother’s group friend, Krista Miller, decided to launch a non-profit organization aimed at providing much-needed support for moms and dads with new babies. We were eager to talk to Carolyn and learn more about PIP because its mission is so incredibly aligned with BPP’s focus on self-care and parental support.

BPP: Can you share how the organization, Partners in Parenting (PIP) was founded and what its mission is?

CO: A little over a year ago, Krista and I got together so that our kids could play, and decided that Austin was in need of neighborhood-based support groups for new parents. When we had our children, we looked for an organization that would help connect us with other new parents, but were unable to find what we were looking for. Krista, having been raised in Seattle, knew about a nonprofit there that had been creating neighborhood based support groups for over 30 years. We decided to give them a call, and they were very open to us implementing their program in Austin. While PIP is an independent nonprofit, the format of the groups is based on a model that has worked well in Seattle for many years. Our mission is to enable families to meet the challenges of parenting through mutual support and shared information, so that no new parent feels isolated, ill-equipped, or uninformed during their parenting adventure.

BPP: How did your own experience as a parent influence your decision to start PIP?

CO: I think I took every prenatal birthing class available to prepare for labor, and maybe read a book or two to prepare for parenting. While the classes were valuable, the best takeaways were the connections I made. I met Krista (the other PIP co-founder) and five other amazing moms-to-be at the classes. We all realized that we were due in March, so we decided to form the March Mamas group. We met once before we delivered, and about a month after having our babies. We began meeting weekly for play-dates, and monthly for mom’s night out. The advice, empathy, and camaraderie that I received from this group of women were life changing. Now that our children are all turning 3, we still see each other often and remain a strong influence in each other’s lives. My experience with my mom’s group helped to ease my transition into parenthood, and I felt that others should have the same experience.

BPP: When can parents join a PIP group? Do they have to have a newborn?

CO: Parents can join a PIP group as soon as they find out they’re pregnant up until their child is 9 months old. Our Newborn PIPsqueaks groups are for babies 0 – 4 months old, and our Baby PIPsqueaks groups are for babies 4 – 10 months. In order to give us plenty of time to find a group for you, signing up before having the baby is strongly encouraged. We generally try to have at least four participants in a certain neighborhood to create a group, so having some lead-time to organize the groups and find a facilitator is helpful.

BPP: How often do groups meet and what typically happens during a meeting? What sets them a part from a regular play group?

CO: The Newborn groups meet for 90 minutes each week for 12 weeks, and the Baby groups meet for 8 weeks. Each session starts with the facilitator asking the parents to share highs and lows from the past week. The group then takes 10 minutes to learn some new songs to sing to the babies. Parents have time to talk during a food break, and then the final 45 minutes is spent discussing a particular topic for the week. We always begin with sleeping and eating as our first two topics as they are definitely the most perplexing and pressing. We have a list of guest speakers, who are experts in certain areas, who sometimes join the group to discuss the topic about which they are knowledgeable.

A PIP group is different from a play group for a few key reasons: The groups are led by a trained facilitator, the sessions are structured to include specific topics to help the parents, and the work of finding a group of like minded new parents to connect with is done by PIP.

BPP: Now that you have been coordinating PIP groups for some time, what do you see as the greatest benefits for the parents? How about the babies?

CO: By far the greatest benefit of joining a PIP group is the connection you make with other parents in your area. Watching parents find their “village” is genuinely satisfying. The moms and dads in our groups have continued to get together and bond long after their PIP session has ended, which is has been our best determinant of success. I also think that parents who are able to feel that they aren’t alone in their struggles better adapt to the challenges they’re facing. To hear a mom say, “I cried on the way over here”, and other moms join in to say, “I cried for no reason today” allows them all to validate their feelings and to know that what they’re experiencing is perfectly normal.

The benefit to the babies is indirect but just as important. PIP is addressing the needs of new families based on the Five Protective Factors of Family Wellness: social connections, secure attachment, parental resilience, knowledge of parent and child development, and concrete support. We believe that when families are strengthened, the overall health of the community is improved. That includes the children! Essentially, happy parents = happy children.

BPP: Are the groups dad-friendly or are they targeted primarily toward moms?

CO: PIP groups are absolutely dad-friendly! We offer daytime and evening groups. The daytime groups are for moms, and the evening groups are for both partners.

BPP: PIP is a non-profit organization. How do you get your funding? Do parents pay to participate?

CO: We receive our funding from donations, grants, fundraisers, and program fees. Participants pay $150 for the Newborn group, and $100 for the Baby group. We offer scholarships to families who are not able to afford the program fee. To learn more about why we charge a program fee, please check out the FAQ section of our website.

BPP: Can you share a story from a parent who has really benefited from involvement in PIP?

CO: Sure! This is a testimony from a parent who participated in one of our spring sessions:

“The best part of being in a PIP group was meeting other parents, hearing their stories, and being able to share mine – learning from one another, person to person, is markedly different from reading resources online… while every baby and parent is different, the biggest takeaway was just that: every baby and parent IS different… we make different choices, we prioritize different ideals, we struggle in different areas, and our babies have their own challenges and developmental paces. While I wouldn’t say my pregnancy was hard, I would say it was isolating, which at times felt very hard; as a fairly social individual in general, I all of a sudden didn’t have a local support group. While I reveled in becoming a Mom, and threw myself into reading and learning all that I could, finding the PIP group was without question a massive boon to my weekly confidence: I could listen, share, and bond with a group of people who could directly empathize and offer support, all while exposing my little one to other babies and an outside experience that was fun and stimulating to her.”

BPP: If you had to give one sanity-saving tip to a new parent, what would it be?

CO: Remember to take care of your needs! It’s easy to fall into a baby-centric world, but self-care is a necessity. It’s hard, but take an hour or two to do something that’s just for you (a hair cut, shopping, quiet time reading at a park, etc.). You don’t have to do it all yourself, so bring in your village to help!

Thank you to Carolyn for filling us in on this amazing resource that is available in the Austin community. Check out the Partners in Parenting website to learn more about their organization and find out how you can register for one of their neighborhood-based groups. You can also follow them on Facebook or Twitter to stay in the loop. If you don’t live in the Central Texas area, and are curious about similar organizations in your area or state, check out this link.

Thanks again, Carolyn. We wish we had access to a PIP group when we were new moms! – C & K ♥

Mommy Posture and Other Signs of Martyrdom :: Monday Musing

February 2, 2015 By: babyproofedparents5 Comments

“Did you know that bass means butt, Mom?” (insert Beavis-and-Butthead-style snickers)

And that is how the latest “out of the mouths of babes” conversation began with my 6-year-old son a few weeks ago.

He was referring to Meghan Trainor’s song, “All About That Bass”, the women’s empowerment anthem that is currently playing every hour, on the hour, on Top 40 radio.

I took a deep breath and explained to my son that, “No. Bass does not mean butt. The singer is trying to say that a woman with curves is just as beautiful as any other lady. She’s arguing that heavier women have a certain ‘boom, boom, boom’, just like a bass speaker in a stereo, that makes them special. They don’t have to try hard to be super skinny like the edited images we see on TV or in magazines.”

I went on to add, “Some people might say that your mom doesn’t have a lot ‘bass’ because I’m not very curvy.”

And here’s where the conversation took an unexpected turn.

“Ummm… Yes, you DO have curves, Mom.” And he proceeded to stand up, noticeably slump his shoulders and demonstrate a posture that looks similar to this:

Oh, snap.

He’s right. I do have curves, in my slumped shoulders and my thrusting hips. My “mommy posture” is as curvy as it comes. I laughed at his comment, but I also let out a big sigh.

It was in that moment that I realized two things:

#1: My kids are watching me. It may seem like they are fully consumed with the Girl Scout cookies they are munching on or the latest addictive game on their iPad. But out of the corners of their eyes, they are observing me. They are paying close attention to how I carry myself and how I care for myself.

#2: I’m not caring for myself as well as I could. My hands show the signs of too much dish washing and not enough moisturizing. The deepening lines on my forehead give proof of the continual frowning and grimacing going on in my house. I spend my days talking to clients and other moms about the importance of self-care and yet it’s clear that I could be doing a better job of taking care of myself.

As parents, we regularly teeter on the edge of martyrdom. We have to make sacrifices in order to care for our kids – it’s part of the unwritten contract that we willingly sign when we bring a baby into this world. We give up sleep, we give up spontaneity, we give up our weekends and our nice furniture. But as Cheryl so powerfully wrote in “My Children Come First”, we shouldn’t give up caring for ourselves. As important as it is to be available to our children and tuned in to their needs, it is also important to model healthy habits and emotional wellness.

So… now that my 6-year-old has unwittingly become my latest Life Coach, I’m making a commitment to do three things:

1. Straighten up my attitude: I know for a fact that my posture reflects how I am feeling, and on too many days, I feel like this:

But the truth is, I rock as a parent. And so do you. Instead of walking around feeling (and looking) like I am carrying the entire world on my shoulders, I am committed to holding my head up high and reminding myself that I got this thing! Here’s the attitude I want to meet each day with:

Hiya! Whatcha got for me day? Cuz I’m gonna tear you up!

2) Straighten up my schedule, and block off time for self-care. As a parent, it is so easy to let the errands, chores and children take precedence over carving out time for yourself. When I was a new mom, I would occasionally ask my husband for some extra time to take a bath in peace, go to a yoga class, or meet up with a girlfriend. Self-care needed to be squeezed in where I could fit it. Now that my kids are in school, I have more leeway. Taking out time to go to the gym each day or use that unused massage gift-certificate should be a no brainer. In order to care for my kids, I have to take care of myself. A permanent spot on my daily schedule should be devoted to that.

3) Straighten up my posture: To be fair, my posture has never been great. Years of holding babies and worries have only made it worse. I’m committed to working on it now. And I’m going to start with these exercises from the amazing Allison Lambert. Stay tuned for a future Wednesday Wisdom featuring her and her empowering at-home work-outs:

My challenge to myself, and all of you, is to make self-care a priority this year. It might look like giving yourself thirty minutes each day to dive into a great novel. Or sixty minutes to go take a Mommy and Me yoga class. Regardless of how you care for yourself, you will be making yourself a priority, and that is an important thing for your kids to see. Of course, there will be those days when your shoulders are slumped from exhaustion and you can’t wait to crawl into bed. But the other days of the week, you can focus on holding your head up high and walking around like this:

I want my kids to know I got this thing.

I’ll let you know if my 6-year-old, aka Coach Elliott, gives me his stamp of posture approval.

Here’s to Strength and Boxing Gloves,

Kirsten